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#he's a big ass trigger i need to unlearn
missazura · 3 years
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i guess that fear is still there i’ll just be quiet about it 
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hi! i really like your writing and was wondering if you’d recommend other authors that you enjoy or even specific fanfics you like? i’ve only just started getting into the steve/tony fandom and want to follow more people! thank you!
Hi there and welcome! We’re glad to have you here!! 💙
I’m more of an MCU kind of gal myself but if you’re interested in the comics, I highly recommend checking out the below authors and fics:
Living in the Future by Closer: Eighteen-year-old Tony Stark is the boy genius who woke Captain America, and now he's stuck with him. That's not a bad thing, but between Steve's wide-eyed wonder at the new world and Tony's little fanboy crush, the awkwardness just keeps happening.
@blossomsinthemist: seriously one of the best smut authors I’ve ever read with lots of feelings, trust me, you won’t regret getting into their works
@sineala: been writing Marvel since approximately 2014 (though if you like their works, it’s worth reading their other stuff as well even if you’re not familiar with the fandom, it’s all that good) and has written a lot of the classics including Like a Comet Streaming On and Slipping off the Page into Your Hands
Stars Fading, but I Linger On, Dear by Chibisquirt: A Soulmate AU where people meet their soulmate in their dreams. Of course, not even that solves all the world's problems, especially if one or more of the soulmates has a secret identity...
MCU and Ambiguous Fandom:
@festiveferret: has written so much and I can pretty much guarantee that you’ve stumbled across something that they’ve written at least once, writes both on tumblr and on ao3 but everything they post on tumblr is also cross-posted to ao3 so you don’t have to go digging through their blog to find ficlets
@no-gorms: has literally the most interesting AUs, I always read whatever is new pretty much the moment it comes out, can promise lots of feelings and happy endings
A Series of Learning Experiences by @riotfalling: In which Tony finds out that his tiny artist boyfriend is not a nice boy. In the best possible way. (Riot doesn’t write much Stevetony but what she does write is amazing)
Heart in Hand by janonny: Or the story where Tony, an Omega, holds a much belated Courting Ceremony. Steve joins up and loses his mind a little.
@maguna-stxrk: writes lots of fluff here on tumblr
@omg-just-peachy: widely acknowledged as the inventor of fluff
@itsallavengers: no longer as active but writes the most heartbreaking angst with a happy ending, you will feel so many things, has written classics like Versions of Reality and Nobody Panic, Everything’s Fine
@aurumacadicus: I’ve said before (I think on the stuckony reclist) that her version of Tony is my favorite but I’m going to say it again: seriously, fantastic Tony
Finding Pack by @naferty: In a world where pack means everything from status to fame to survival and to family, newly pack-less Tony Stark is trying to survive after those he once trusted betrayed him, and starting over by searching for a new pack to take him in, but with his age and status weighing heavily on his shoulders finding someone to take a chance on him might be easier said than done.What pack wanted an old infertile omega in their ranks? Certainly not the famous Avengers pack led by the equally famous Captain. (one day this fic will be finished and when that happens, I will scream for three days straight)
@sabrecmc: hmmm yes, especially check out Celestial Navigation and The Prize (also has an incredibly comprehensive rec blog, @sabrecmcstonyficrecs)
Sunrise by NotEvenCloseToStraight: Nomad is a soldier forced to do Hydra's bidding. When his mission takes him to the castle and to the bed chambers of Prince Antony Stark, Nomad is faced with a choice-- to finish his mission and finally earn his freedom or to save the last piece of his scarred soul and let the beautiful Prince live.Antony is trapped in the Palace, his life controlled by his Uncle, the Sovereign Stane. He yearns for a life beyond the palace walls but when the Nomad breaks into his rooms with blade held at the ready, Antony thinks all is lost--and then the assassin hesitates.Steven and Antony are two souls together in the moonlight, two lives on the cusp of ruin and as the sun rises over the palace, perhaps they will be two kindred spirits, finding freedom in each other's arms.
take my heart clean apart by mistymountainking: Tony comes home exhausted after an SI event. Steve acts as welcoming committee. It's an old, careworn routine they've perfected over the years, but tonight ends up going in a very different direction.
Dear Mr. Fantasy by @pineapplebread: Tony writes letters to his past loves to get over them. They’re all but meaningless by this point, but he keeps them hidden anyways, never to be seen or read by anyone else. Until one day they all mysteriously get sent out.His deepest secrets are revealed and he scrambles to do damage control, striking a deal to enter a fake relationship with Steve Rogers who just wants his ex back. Tony conveniently forgets to mention that the only love letter he still means is the one he wrote to his fake boyfriend.
slipping through the years by often_adamanta: The plane crash and subsequent ice might have killed him, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t still around, haunting those he cares about. And since the only person who can see him is Tony Stark, death sure isn’t going to be boring.
Insomnia by Scavenge4Dreams: Its 3am. Do you know where your Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist is?
rough enough for love by silkspectred: The first time they had sex was right after their first kiss. Steve dropped to his knees and then Tony reciprocated after making Steve lie down on the bed. The second time it was Steve that initiated it, slow handjobs under the hot spray of the shower, and Tony looked surprised by it. Like it was weird that Steve wanted it. Wanted him.
I’m a Grown-Ass Man by not_applicable: or, 5 Times Steve Carried Tony and 1 Time Tony Didn't Mind. At all.
Containment by D: After Tony ends up severely injured from a surprise attack, triggering a flashback and putting him in the hospital for emergency surgery, the Avengers come together in worry for their friend and teammate and are disquieted by the intensity of Tony’s reaction. Between the flashback and the sedatives, Tony’s mind revisits key moments in his life while the team bands together in support of each other and their injured friend, letting SHIELD handle Tony’s attacker, they remain where they are needed, even if Tony isn’t awake to truly realize this. And through it all, Steve makes a decision that will change things with Tony.
His Fate Will Be Unlearned by scifigrl47: Tony Stark spent his childhood making weapons, filling the hole his father left in the world when he succumbed to alcohol, grief, and his own demons. At the age of fifteen, he ran away from home, and made it as far as MIT before all of his responsibilities caught up to him. Now seventeen, he just wants to finish his degree and escape from everything connected to the Stark name. Steve Rogers crashed into the icy North Atlantic in the 1940's, sacrificing himself to save the world. He never expected to wake up, and now that he has, he's not sure he's glad. The US Army has other plans for him, but for now, Steve is slowly learning to live life in the 21st century, and taking classes at Boston College. He's beginning to suspect that there is no escape. Boston College is on the T's Green Line. MIT is on the Red. The two lines meet at the Park Street Station, and so will Steve and Tony.
The Twice-Told Tale by arysteia: For someone he'd hero-worshipped for so long, Steve Rogers in the flesh is a pretty big disappointment. For one thing, he keeps looking at Tony as though he reminds him of someone else, and even if he never says anything, Tony's pretty sure it's his father. A lifetime of not measuring up to Howard's expectations is more than enough, thank you very much, and he's certainly not going to make an effort to live up to any of Steve's. Steve's pretty clearly failed to live up to his expectations, in any case, and that's not hypocritical at all.
Like Gene Kelly in the Movies by lyra_wing: Everything Tony Stark does is a dance. And it's super confusing for Steve.
bedrock and brick by lyra_wing: Immediate sequel to the movie, wherein Tony builds Avengers Tower. Or plays interior designer, take your pick.
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dry-canned-cheese · 3 years
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Alright buckle up fuckers this blog that’s only been active for less time than Caleb’s been canonically bi (pan, poly, whatever) is turning into a whole ass character analysis thing.
So. Starting off, current date is post C2, Ep 111. I’ll try and tag spoilers. 
Also Big Trigger Warning: mentions of abuse of all sorts, please take care guys.
Astrid and Eadwulf.
There’s no arguing that the two are, for intents and purpose, bad people. Their alignment is Evil, and neither have claimed to be solidly good people. They’ve killed innocent people, their families included, crossed enemy lines, and only god and Mercer know what else.
But that being said, I feel like some people are really hanging on to Eadwulf’s follower mentality, and Astrid’s aggressive ambition (“race you to the top”, their whole previous conversation about dethroning Trent.) and pushing them off as unredeemable.
And on the other hand, there are in fact plenty of people ignoring their guilt, and only seeing mirrors of Caleb’s own trauma and his struggle to overcome and heal. That Jester and Cad and the rest of the M9 have some magic resolution to save them.
All in all, we haven’t seen enough of either of them, specifically outside of Trent’s web, to really get a handle on who they really are. As Liam put in Talks this Tuesday, Matt already threw Caleb for a loop in how he’s being confronted by his old past, treading dangerous waters is much harder than a random skirmish on a mountainside.
That being said, I feel like it’s a disservice to just leave it at that.
Because we do know bits and pieces, and I think the real horror that Liam and Matt have painted for us is what’s being purposefully left unsaid (so far. I am expecting more details as Caleb’s arc progresses. The tenth level of his tower has at least 5 more doors, like jesus man, where can we even start with that one.)
The thing is though, Caleb got lucky.
His mental break more or less released him from Trent’s direct influence. While now Trent’s trying to twist the story, there’s still fifteen odd years that Caleb spent away from that ‘special training.’
That’s fifteen extra years that Astrid and Eadwulf have spent under the wing of their abuser.
I don’t believe we are ever told what age exactly they are picked by Trent, but it’s probably safe to assume a few good years before shit hits the fan.
If we assume, they were chosen Hogwarts style to join House Trauma, 11 years old roughly each, that’s six or seven years Caleb dealt with Trent, and at least 21 years Astrid and Eadwulf lived under Trent’s thumb.
They were bright kids pulled into this hellscape where all they knew was to serve the crown no matter the price, or earn Trent’s whip.
Even ignoring the obvious Modify Memory that tricked the trio into the start of their crimes, in Dinner with the Devil we see first hand the sort of gaslighting and manipulation Trent is capable of without magic (save for that apparent possible talent or whatever to auto-succeed on charisma stuff, but that’s also not confirmed, only speculated, as he most definitely lied about the Beacons, we know he can lie but still pass their high insight checks.)
We see this greatly in Astrid and Eadwulf’s anxiety of being away from Trent, even outside they are not free to speak their minds, let alone being allowed to go out on the town even farther from Trent’s influence. We can only guess what might happen behind closed doors if they’re caught talking about things Trent disapproves of.
This, over two decades of this physical, emotional, and dare I even say sexual abuse (as Liam confirmed on Talks more or less, parts of their training is reading emotion, and manipulating people as needed, using desires against their opponents, see Essek and the peace talks for a prime example, Caleb used his and Essek’s attraction for one another against Essek to ensure the talks stay on track) is all the two of them know.
It would/will be so difficult for the two of them to unlearn it all. Even Caleb has taken nearly a year with the Nein (consciously six years away from Trent, yet still influenced by the paranoia that he’s watching and influencing Caleb’s every move) to even start to remove himself from that trauma, and once again, we still have hints of how hard he’s holding on from the top level of his tower. Astrid and Eadwulf have so much more engrained in them, as far as I know the Modify Memory would still be there as well, and the only people they have to rely on is each other, and Trent.
Trent, like many abusers, has build himself up to be a god, relatively speaking, to his students. He is the be all, end all. When Caleb returns, an example that escape is possible, he puts a crack in Trent’s image, and the very first thing Trent does is play on Astrid’s ambition and claim that Bren was always the favorite. Bren was the one to take his place on the Assembly, to rise above the others. Whether or not that’s true, his intent is to pit the trio against each other, because god forbid Caleb outshines him.
The whole thing is just so layered and heartbreaking.
Escaping an abuser is very painful and hard to do on your own.
I believe, while the likelihood of a truly successful redemption arc may not be possible for Astrid and Eadwulf at this point in time, just the fact that the Nein are ready to help pull them away from such a disgustingly toxic environment is miles ahead of just letting them be, or worse, assuming that they are just as bad as Trent with no further investigation.
Abuse is a wheel. The Nein have made it clear they are ready to break it.
It’s just nice to hold onto hope that some people can be saved, in the end.
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wiseabsol · 3 years
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WA Reviews “Dominion” by Aurelia le, Chapter 14: Two Birds
Link: https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6383825/14/Dominion
Summary: For the Fire Nation royal siblings, love has always warred with hate. But neither the outward accomplishment of peace nor Azula’s defeat have brought the respite Zuko expected. Will his sister’s plans answer this, or only destroy them both?
Content Warnings: This story contains discussions and depictions of child abuse, emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and incest. This story also explores the idea that Zuko’s redemption arc (and his unlearning of abuse) is not as complete as the show suggested, and that Azula is not a sociopath (with the story having a lot of sympathy for her). If that doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, I would strongly recommend steering clear of this story and my reviews of it.  
Note: Because these were originally posted as chapter reviews/commentaries, I will often be talking to the author in them (though sometimes I will also snarkily address the characters). While I’ve also tried not to spoil later events in the story in these reviews, I would strongly recommend reading through chapter 28 before reading these, just to be safe.
Now on to chapter 14!
CHAPTER 14: TWO BIRDS
Hello everyone! We are now on chapter fourteen, “Two Birds.”
 So first, the A/N. It mentions a fic called “In the Madhouse,” which I should look up at some point, since Aurelia liked it and we have similar tastes in Azula fic. ultranos’ “Salt and Ashes” series is one that we’ve been enjoying lately. There is also a discussion in the A/N about the challenge of addressing and stopping Ozai’s abuse of Azula. One thing that isn’t mentioned there, but that I want to note, is that intervening in a parent-to-child abuse situation is difficult even without the challenge posed by the parent being a powerful political figure. Best case scenario, you get the kid away from their abuser before the abuser realizes what’s happening—because if you don’t manage that, that kid will probably be the one who the abuser takes their anger out on. After all, how could anyone else have known what was happening unless the child told them (which isn’t necessarily true, but it’s what the abuser will think)? This isn’t to suggest that it’s better to leave the child in that situation, but just to point out that you can’t afford to misstep or take half-measures when extracting the child from that environment.
 I think I may have mentioned this before, but Iroh being able to live in Ba Sing Se and run his teashop, even under a pseudonym, feels like a backhand to the Earth Kingdom. Yes, he helped the Order of the White Lotus liberate the city, but does that make up for the 600 Day Siege that came only a few years before? Surely someone must recognize him and want revenge for the lives lost during it?
 Granted, an assassination attempt would cause a diplomatic incident, but I somewhat doubt that the mourners would care? Maybe there were some attempts already, which Iroh thwarted? I could see him thinking of this as a type of penance, to face the loved ones of those his siege killed. I suppose I’m also wondering how much him being an intelligence asset for the OWL would make up for his past colonialism (now cultural imperialism?) in the eyes of the world? Him settling in Omashu or another Earth Kingdom settlement, sure, but BA SING SE? Why was that allowed? I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that some of the Earth Kingdom nobles knew and were hoping that someone would take a crack at him. They’d hand-wring and launch a half-assed investigation afterwards, and when Zuko would inevitably become impatient and send in his own forces to get to the bottom of things (who the EK would then ask to leave, but of course Zuko wouldn’t back down)—well, isn’t that another route to a war of revenge for the Earth Kingdom, which they could hide under the guise of self-defense?
 In short, no matter how Iroh justified this decision to himself, it’s hard not to see this as him mooning the Earth Kingdom and asking them to bite him.
 On to the chapter itself! June and Nyla have arrived with a passenger and have paralyzed poor Ty Lee. Zuko “almost forgot [Ty Lee] was there,” so yeah, putting this in the “they’re not really that good of friends” evidence bin. If my friend faceplanted in the ground after getting whipped, I’d definitely be hurrying over and checking on them. Mind you, this is the Avatar world, so your friend getting knocked to the ground might not be as much cause for concern.
 June calls Ty Lee a twit for not knowing how shirsu venom works, but I’m like, “Chi blocking is way more impressive, you jerk, don’t call her that!” But I’m biased because I adore this Ty Lee to pieces.
 June’s passenger is an Earthbender, given his bare feet, and seems to have fallen onto hard times, given his frayed and faded robe. This man, we soon learn, is a member of the Dai Li, and…I can’t remember what happened in canon, but I believe Azula recruited them for a while after her coop in Ba Sing Se? I wonder if the Earth Kingdom didn’t take that well (that and they were keeping the king in the dark about the war, if I remember correctly). So possibly this one is trying to earn some good favor back by catching Azula.
 Since Nyla was tracking Azula’s scent, the Dai Li agent quickly puts two and two together that Azula’s scent being on Zuko means that they did the naughty. A part of me is like, “Well, it could also be suggested by Nyla targeting Ty Lee that a hug is enough to leave Azula’s scent behind, which is more recent, and…Zuko, did you not take 100 showers after boinking your sister? For real, my dude?” My point being that it seems like a big leap for the Dai Li agent to put together that the siblings had sex…except that this Dai Li agent also saw the beach house, according to Zuko. So yeah, that probably had some more, uh, pieces to add to that puzzle.
 The Dai Li agent is thrilled because he can use this information to take down Zuko. It also turns out that the Dai Li are blackmailing June, rather than paying her. They must be really hard up if they have to resort to that. June was amoral in the show, so she would have leapt at the chance to pursue the bounty on Azula. Though if she had, then the Dai Li couldn’t take the credit for capturing Azula…(sigh).
 Anyway, the Dai Li agent tries to pressure Zuko into calling off his search or he’ll tell everyone his secret (Ty Lee is very confused by this in the background). I can’t help but think, “This is a no-win situation, Zuko. He’s going to tell regardless, and if he does, you, Azula, and probably Mai and Lu Ten are doomed. This is a case where you need to take him out if you want to keep your family safe.” I don’t relish saying that—I’m not a fan of murder—but unless you have the help of certain spirits, there’s no wiping this man’s memory in this setting, and imprisoning and/or executing him would show that Zuko has something to hide. Best to leave him in a ditch somewhere.
 Zuko doesn’t connect these dots yet. He has a bit of a rage-out instead. The Dai Li agent nearly kills Ty Lee in response, but Zuko manages to drag her out of the way of the fight. When the Dai Li agent disappears, June shouts at Zuko, because the Dai Li agent might think that they’re working together, which means that they might execute the hostage they’ve taken—her father. Zuko argues that they should work together to track down the Dai Li agent, who Zuko realizes knows way too much. June is initially reluctant, because the Dai Li agent is sending regular reports to his bosses, so if he vanishes, they’ll know that something is up…but Zuko argues that he can help her find her father (a lot of searching for family in this story) and then he’ll hire her to find Azula instead. June pivots and agrees to this new deal. I wonder if she knows that Zuko was a scarily competent tracker at one point.
 Zuko carries Ty Lee to the steps of the Kyoshi Shrine, and Ty Lee pleads with him not to search for Azula, since she doesn’t want to see him. Zuko, predictably, doubts Ty Lee’s word and then says, “I can’t respect her wishes, Ty. Not with her life at stake.” On the one hand, he does have a point—Azula needs help—but on the other hand, she really doesn’t need help from ZUKO. Chances are that seeing him would be rather…uh…triggering for her, and a mental breakdown isn’t something that Azula can afford right now.
 Zuko tells Ty Lee to go update Mai on what’s going on. That’ll be fun. Ty Lee seems to be considering telling Zuko that Azula is pregnant, but equivocates instead, and we learn that Azula might not know about the death sentence hanging over her. I feel like the Kyoshi Warriors let that slip, and that Azula is smart enough to know that the EK would take her out if they caught her anyway, regardless of the legality of them doing so. Then Zuko and June are off, leaving Ty Lee alone and paralyzed at the shrine. And you didn’t even give her a blanket, you jerks! Also, is there really not a shirsu venom antidote? Seems like something someone should invest in!
 We shift over to Azula, who sailed from Kyoshi Island to the Earth Kingdom mainland during a storm. The good news is that the storm prevented her pursuers from catching her. The bad news is that the storm destroyed her ship, nearly drowned her, and snatched away her supplies, including Rai’s gold. So Azula is not feeling great after that—possibly she was triggered by nearly drowning, being reminded of Katara’s ice prison during the Agni Kai, and she hasn’t eaten in a while either. Her situation reminds me a bit of “Zuko Alone”—he also didn’t have much more than the clothes on his back—but she’s worse off, given the effects of her pregnancy. She’s much more fatigued than she wants to be, sometimes napping for hours in a bush. Azula thinks about the baby being a product of incest—“She would be lucky if it wasn’t born with gills or extra limbs or some crippling deformity.” Which…is something to be concerned about. There is a lot of shared DNA between the two parents, which makes the risk of a genetic deformity or disease more likely to arise. I doubt that it would be something as extreme as the kid having gills, BUT Azula and Zuko have both shown signs of mental illness, so I think there is a high chance that the kid would inherit that. A supportive environment and other resources can do a lot to address how hard mental illness hits someone, though (in Azula and Zuko’s cases, their environment aggravated theirs), so I’m not going to be too worried for this kid just yet.
 Azula considers that she might lose the baby. “This early, and it might not even hurt, she told herself. It might die. Wasn’t that what happened to mistakes?”—Woof to all of that, but also, no wonder Azula is such a perfectionist. When the result of imperfection is dying….
 Azula considers starving the fetus out, since she’s barely getting enough food as it is. This is a terrible idea for two reasons: 1.) Azula has nearly died once already from starving herself, and damaged her organs in the process, and 2.) She’s in enemy territory. She can’t afford to make herself weak, even if she thinks there might be long-term benefits from it.
 At this point, she starts hallucinating Ursa, who unfortunately believes that a fetus and a baby are the same thing, which is very pro-life of her. Boo, hallucination!Ursa! Boo! I’m not sure this actually reflects what real Ursa thinks, though (I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised if Ursa was hypocritical about this point), given that a later chapter will reveal that Ursa knows what plants to use to induce an abortion, and used them as birth control at one point. Azula alludes to this: “You would have done the same to me, if Father let you. He told me the truth you were too craven to admit. You never wanted me.”—Ouch!
 Okay, this is bad, but I couldn’t help but snort at the line, “You only think [that this is a precious baby] because it’s Zuko’s.” It’s so awful that it wraps around to being darkly funny.
 “Something clenched painfully in her chest at the words [I love you, Azula. I do] she had heard too many times to count from this twisted mockery. Azula couldn’t remember anymore if her real mother ever said that to her.”—Yeah, if the child ever doubts that their parent loves them, then the parent has failed, full stop.
 “It wouldn’t matter if she had. It would just be one more lie. Didn’t her abandonment prove that? Didn’t Ursa prove it every time she looked on her daughter with fear or disgust or indifference? Didn’t she prove it with the things she said, the letters she never sent to school, the sparring matches she couldn’t be bothered to attend? The goodbye she said to Zuko and not to her… She had every day of eight years to prove it was a lie, and she proved it.”—This passage is brutal. And Azula is 100% right about it. Even though Ozai undermined Azula’s faith in her mother, Ozai would have had a much, much harder time doing so if Ursa had put some effort in and demonstrated her love for her daughter. Ursa’s neglect made his job so much easier than it should have been, and Ursa is going to have to reckon with that one day.
 Also, as someone who recently escaped some toxic friendships (and grew up with a toxic parent), there is probably nothing more psychologically damaging than people saying that they care about you, but then not demonstrating that with their actions. People who don’t like you being cruel to you is much easier to handle than the lying is. In short, I think this is part of why Ursa’s betrayal, and at one point, Mai’s and Ty Lee’s betrayal, shattered Azula. While Zuko’s betrayal has also affected Azula severely, you get the sense that Ursa’s and Mai’s choices carved deeper scars in her. Ty Lee, fortunately, broke from that pattern and proved how much she loved Azula with her actions.
 Azula tells the hallucination, “I’ll give you your life back [ . . . ] A life for a life, isn’t that how it works? [ . . . ] I’ll get the closure I need to end this, and never have to see you again.” We, the readers, can already tells that it’s not going to be that simple. Yes, Azula needs to confront Ursa, but one confrontation isn’t going to give her closure. It will address the wounds that Ursa caused, but it won’t give Azula the love and support she would need to heal them. That love and support, incidentally, doesn’t have to come from Ursa herself—adoptive family could provide it—but there isn’t anyone except maybe Rai who would be willing to fill that role in this story. Also, given the way this story is structured, that healing will probably come in the form of mother and daughter reconciling instead.
 “Sometimes [the hallucination] left at her command, other times it ignored her. Azula had long since stopped wondering why.”—Because your conscious and subconscious minds don’t agree on whether they want hallucination!Ursa gone, Azula.
 “It was her own business if she wanted it gone. It had no more right to her body than Zuko did.”—Damn right, Azula!
 Azula again entertains the notion of starving herself to induce a miscarriage (a note from the future: we later learn that there was a period where she was starved as a child, so I have to wonder if that stunted her growth and contributed to the eventual damage to her organs). She is understandably anxious about this. “Tears burned her eyes when she hugged herself around the middle in unconscious imitation of the night she lay bleeding in the hall.”—Ouch.
 “Everyone knew that, exceptions like Taku aside”—I forget who Taku was?—“most Earth Kingdom doctors fell somewhere between butchers and medicine men. She would be a fool to trust her health to them, even without the added vulnerability of being a fugitive.”—I wonder if this is true or if this is some racist colonialist bullshit? Given that it’s mentioned that the Fire Nation has been sharing resources with the other countries, I feel like if there WAS a gap in medical knowledge, it’s been closing since the end of the war. But Azula’s concern about being a fugitive still stands, even if I’m skeptical of their doctors being that bad.
 Then we get this gross recollection: “That first time, she was hardly sick until she began drinking the tea. She had only put on a little weight—most of it in the swell of her hips and budding breasts, it seemed then—” So something that most of the adults around her would have overlooked, since she was the right age for that. “—and sought out their court physician for a flu remedy when mild aches and a fatigue one fraction of what she felt now began to impair her training.” Of course she only cared about how it impacted her training, rather than just wanting to not feel sick!
 “And in reply, he told her something incomprehensible. She hadn’t even had her first blood.” I AM SCREAMING! “She didn’t know what to look for then, but she knew now. She was almost four months gone when—” This is so deeply horrifying!
 “No one would ever talk about it afterward—and anyway, who would she talk to?—but Azula suspected this might have been why she hemorrhaged so badly. But she didn’t know. She didn’t know enough to fix this, if it could even be fixed. She didn’t know what to do….”—Boy, it sure would have been helpful if she’d had a midwife to consult, wouldn’t it? I’m sure her actual doctor could have told her this info, too, but unfortunately, Ozai had him killed. Idiot. Seriously, Azula absolutely needs to know this information about her own reproductive health. Especially if she was going to be Ozai’s heir and was expected to have children of her own someday (which, god, I doubt she would have survived long enough for that, given Ozai’s choices, but STILL, SHE NEEDS TO KNOW THIS STUFF).
 “She seemed to vaguely recall her doctors saying, after she starved herself, that she couldn’t have children. Since obviously she was capable of conceiving, she could only guess they meant that she shouldn’t have children. Well, they wouldn’t be the first to hold that opinion. Azula could practically hear Ursa thinking it, when she said things like ‘What is wrong with that child?’ in full hearing of her daughter.”—Listen, Azula, even if it was somehow true that you’d be a bad parent, a lot of people who shouldn’t be parents end up being parents, like your dad and grandad. As it is, if this is something that you’re worrying about, I think you’ll be okay, since you’ll be much more careful with your kid than they were with theirs.
 Azula considers the medical reasons why a full-term pregnancy might be a bad idea, and notes that “her endurance had taken a hit, even three years into her recovery. And she healed slower and less effectively than she used to, as evidenced by the persistence of her injuries from the fight with Zuko.”—Yeah, starving yourself or being starved as a kid can result in some nasty effects, with not reaching your full height being one of the most outwardly obvious ones. It also can trigger a survival mode in your body where your body desperately holds onto fat later, even when you’re getting enough to eat, in preparation for the next lean time. This can have a generational effect as well, with your kids being more likely to hold onto fat, because their parents or grandparents went through that experience. If Azula wasn’t on the run and didn’t go through such strenuous training routines, she’d probably incline towards being pudgy. Which honestly wouldn’t be a bad thing for her, since a fat reserve can be beneficial if you’re someone with a uterus. Buuuut knowing Azula, she would view a little roll as a sign of laziness, which…
(sigh)…isn’t true, but you do you, Azula.
 She considers that she might lose the baby anyway, given the past harm done to her body, and that, “she might die herself. Azula was mildly surprised to realize that after a month of living with the knowledge of her death sentence, and even longer spent knowing she was a fugitive from her own nation, the prospect held little dread for her.”—This is worrying. She should care about whether she dies or not, but I can’t imagine that she’s really recovered from…well, her flirtation with suicide. You don’t get the sense that Azula values her own life very much. Rather, she values what she can provide to others, namely to her father and her nation. She’s been taught that she herself has no value—only what she does is worthwhile.
 “More frightening in some ways was the possibility that this might actually happen. Beyond the violation of her body being given over to another life, her life might be given over to another person. Azula didn’t know how to be a mother, any more than she knew how to be an aunt or a sibling.”—To be fair, I don’t think anyone really knows how to be a parent until it happens. Also, she never got the opportunity to be an aunt to Lu Ten, which is a shame, because her pretending to kidnap him and taking him somewhere fun sounds like good, wholesome mischief. Alas, this is not a soft world where that can happen.
 “She had never had anything like a healthy example.”—Very true. Someday, Azula, you’ll have an aunt figure to look up to in an AU.
 “And if she was honest with herself—something she strived for, even if she lied to everyone else—”—Kiddo, are you sipping Zuko’s Kool-Aid?
 “she knew. It would only grow to hate her. How could it not? She was a monster.”—This is very sad and makes my heart break for her, but…Azula. Babe. You love Ozai. And I’m damned sure that you would be a better parent than he was, so I can’t imagine why your kid wouldn’t love you? Kids also just don’t work that way. It takes a hell of a lot to make a kid stop loving their parent. I’m…honestly not sure if anyone ever really does STOP loving them, even when they know that their parent is an abusive and morally bankrupt person? Love isn’t rational, and even if you hate them, like Zuko does with Ozai, that hatred is still an intense feeling for them. Plus, just because Azula doesn’t love HERSELF doesn’t mean that other people, like Ty Lee and her kid, couldn’t love her. All that Azula’s self-hatred does is make her more inclined to push that love away, because being loved can sometimes be scarier and hurt more than being alone does.
 Azula then has a cry under the moonlight—hi Yue, by the way, I always forget that the moon in the Avatar universe actually has a spirit attached to it—and then decides that she needs to go to town to get some food. Good plan, girl. Get all of the noodles. Also, Azula has this mean thought about the Earth Kingdom: “that meant a return to civilization. Or what passed for it, in the Earth Kingdom.” I hope by the end of this adventure that she learns that the EK isn’t inferior to the Fire Nation. It’s great to love your home, but don’t tear down other people’s (unless they’re unhappy with it, in which case, ask them if they want some help with the tear down and rebuilding).
 Then we move on to Toph, Sokka, and Suki. Toph likes her pillows “rock-hard.” Never change, Toph. Sokka and Suki are arguing about whether Suki should have stayed with the Kyoshi Warriors and enlisted them in the search for Azula. When Toph complains about this, she makes a “think of the children” joke, to which Sokka replies that she’s sixteen, which suggests that age of majority in the ATLA world includes sixteen (though that might depend on the culture). Toph is also super bored because they haven’t had much luck on their manhunt for Azula, so she hasn’t gotten to fight Azula yet. Suki mentions that she should consider herself lucky, because she might have a broken nose or back spasms from chi-blocking and I’m like…Suki. Buddy. Isn’t it telling that the only damage your girls went through is something they might have walked away from a bar fight with? Or a particularly enthusiastic night above the bar?
 Gosh, is Toph calling Azula a “crazy ass” ableist or overly blunt? Because Azula is mentally ill, and it’s not like this is a world where mental illness is well-understood. Let’s call this insensitive of Toph at the very least.
 “She didn’t start when [Sokka] laid a solid hand on her arm. It was hardly the first time he’d done that over the past few days, and Toph was torn between appreciating the gesture—and that it meant he remembered she was cut off from her earthsense up here—and resenting him for babying her.”—I wouldn’t call touching your friend’s arm in support babying, Toph. I do like that Sokka isn’t such a manly man that he would hesitate to give comforting platonic touches.
 “[ . . . ] Toph half-tempted to tear her own hair out by the roots just to relish the sweet, sweet pain”—I feel like someone should give Toph a really obnoxious instrument to pass the time on trips like these. I don’t know if Toph would be inclined to learn it and play it well, buuuuut I also don’t think that she would mind just using it to annoy the hell out of the other passengers. Mind you, terrible music might make the manhunt more difficult, but it’s not like Appa is a sneaky stealth plane anyway.
 It turns out that Zuko sent them a letter, telling them to search the southern part of the continent, since he would wrap up things on Kyoshi Island. That was tone deaf of him, because of course Suki would want to see how her girls are doing and resents being ordered around. Sokka insisted that they press on with the search, though, because it’s “bigger than any one of us,” and for all they know, Azula might be trying to draw them to one location. Which…I get why this is a concern, but since we’ve seen Azula’s POV, we know that her endeavor has barely anything to do with the Gaang. This is a nuclear family drama, full stop.
 We do learn here that Sokka and Suki have only been married for a few months. I wonder if there was any tongue-waggling about that back at the South Pole? In any case, Toph and Sokka are both worried about how sketchy Zuko has been lately and what he might have lied about. Toph points out that, “He might have left something out or told a half-truth. He might have been embarrassed, or nervous or afraid. The physical reaction is basically the same.” I hope that this ambiguity comes up later.
 “And [Toph] was of the decided opinion that when her head hurt, everyone else’s should too.”—Oh Toph. I love you, but you’re a jerk sometimes.
 “She jabbed a finger in what she thought was his general direction, and scowled when Sokka had to reposition her hand to keep the effect.”—That’s so freaking cute? Like damn these two are adorable! They continue to discuss how weird it is that Zuko told them to not believe anything that Azula says, because why would he think they would?
 “[You’re] like Twinkletoes on a moral tangent”—More cuteness from these two, since Sokka cannot let Zuko’s weirdness go.
 “this speculation is pointless until we find her anyway, and hear what she has to say. If she even /has/ anything to say, ‘cause by all reports”—meaning Zuko’s—“she’s been muter than a hermit these past four years!”—I’m glad that they seem eager to hear what Azula has to say, but knowing Azula, there is no way that she will tell them what happened. Not only is she ashamed about it, but she doesn’t think that they would believe her anyway. And she’d be right…if Zuko hadn’t undermined himself by tipping them off to something being up.
 They continue on their flight, and we shift back to Azula. Ooooh, I remember what this section is! I love this section! So Azula has arrived in an Earth Kingdom town, after a night of trying to get her clothes clean and scavenging for more food. I wonder if the cabin she found was a reference to something in canon? Anyway, Azula probably draws some attention to herself by scowling at everyone, and then she steals some clothes so she doesn’t look completely out of place. She sets a building on fire and crashes a public bath to accomplish this. I feel like “Smooth Criminal” should be playing in the background.
 Azula goes to look for food next and stops by a restaurant next to a courtyard labeled, “Master Yu’s Earthbending Academy.” Aaand she realizes that there’s a noblewoman staring at her—specifically, Poppy Beifong, Toph’s mom! Woot! Hey Poppy! Good to see you! I love that the flowers in her hair are present here as they were in canon.
 Azula does note that Poppy has “slanted” eyes, which I’m not sure what to do with. This might be an innocent description and might not have the same racist connotation in the ATLA world as it does in ours, since everyone in the ATLA world could be considered of to be of Asian descent, given the cultures the four nations are based on. Or we could be meant to clock this as racist on Azula’s part, which, given how she was raised, wouldn’t be surprising. Or it’s a blink-and-you-miss-it writing fumble. It’s hard for me to make a call here, but I wanted to make a note of it in case it is the latter.
 Moving on, Poppy thinks that Azula reminds her of someone—maybe Zuko? Azula has a cover story ready: she’s from the colonies and has heard of the Beifong’s involvement in trade. Poppy, bless her, invites Azula to have lunch with her, because her friend didn’t show up. I wonder if she really was meeting a friend there, or if the Earthbending Academy is a real academy space and students practice earthbending there? If so, maybe Poppy watches them earthbend to feel closer to Toph. That’s my headcanon and I’m sticking to it!
 “and I am quite alone,’ she explained, properly not counting the manservant and two maids who stood behind her as company.”—Properly? That classism! (Pats the nobles on their finely-combed heads.)
 Poppy’s laugh sounds like glass breaking. Love that description. “Poppy Beifong would hardly be her first choice of dining companion. But then neither had King Bumi, who proved surprisingly amenable to letting her go, with only a little convincing.”—I still want that side story. Azula decides to take Poppy up on the meal, since she needs to eat when she can and she doesn’t think this is likely to be a trap.
 Poppy immediately clocks that Azula is a noble and just…oh man, “we must forgive [my manservant’s] ignorance.” Bet you he has more common sense than Poppy! Poppy tells Azula to order whatever she likes, even though Poppy already has a ridiculous amount of food on the table. Reading about delicious food in a story at midnight is the worst, by the way. It’s making me want all of it, but there’s no place to get garnished fish and stuffed prawns from at this hour.
 “when one has been born to privilege, it’s easy to recognize in others”—I feel like I need a side-story in which a grifter hits up the Beifong household while Toph is visiting, and Toph totally knows that the grifter is bullshitting and fleecing her parents, but is too entertained by the con to out them. In fact, maybe that grifter could by Lin’s dad, because that kind of irony would be delicious.
 “The etiquette came easily to her when [Azula] bothered to recall it”—See, it’s not like Azula didn’t bother to learn this stuff. It’s just one tool in her arsenal, rather than a set of rules that she feels like she needs to follow.
 Poppy recognizes Azula’s eyes as being a mark of Fire Nation nobility, though she adds that, “They are not the gold of Fire Nation royalty,” which…lol, actually, they are, since Azula is a royal. Poppy asks if Azula is trueborn or a bastard, and Azula tells the truth, knowing that the Earth Kingdom puts even more stock in lineage than the Fire Nation does.
 Then we get this painful bit of questioning from Poppy: “But you must forgive me for observing that you are far from home, and seem to be without your attendants. [ . . . ] What has caused you to forsake the protection of your family?”—Oh Poppy, what if your family is the problem?
 Azula pulls out a story that mixes in some lies to entice Poppy—that she’s fleeing an arranged marriage (since Poppy is a romantic)—with a good dose of truth. Poppy grabs Azula’s hand during this, which Azula is not a fan of. Azula says that her “betrothed” is a “fool and a brute” which…yeah, from her perspective, Zuko qualifies as both.
 “If she was going to fabricate a life story, it would be better not to do it on an empty stomach.”—I love the forethought here. Also, if she needs to bolt, best to bolt down as much food as possible beforehand.
 Poppy wonders if Azula is fleeing into the arms of a secret lover, a “governor’s son or lieutenant in the army.” I guess stableboys aren’t romantic enough for someone with Poppy’s classism.
 “Having no experience of lovers, she didn’t trust herself to lie about an elopement”—This is so depressing. Too bad Chan didn’t work out, though I do think that Azula needs someone much smarter than him.
 Azula admits that she’s looking for her mother, and explains that Ursa had to flee into exile or face execution for a crime that she was “falsely” accused of. We know that Ursa actually did it, but I doubt that Poppy would take that well. Azula says that her dad died of grief shortly afterwards. If only! She adds that her brother lost their fortune by being terrible at business and falling prey to duplicitous advisors, which foreshadows what’s the come with Zuko in the Fire Nation. Zuko really needs remedial lessons on how to run a country and manage the noble court. Azula adds that her “marriage” was supposed to help her family, something the dutiful Poppy would appreciate, but it didn’t work out because her supposed betrothed was violent.
 Which triggers a flashback for Azula. She’s been getting hit with these at unexpected times, and while I’m not qualified to diagnose anyone, I wouldn’t be surprised if this was a sign of Azula grappling with PTSD. We get this gross description during it: “Of his hands grasping, bruising, his weight heavy on her, suffocating. Of his arm around her waist, fingers clenched in her hand. The ridges of his scar rubbed against her cheek when he thrusted and panted, filling her. He didn’t stop even when she forgot herself and screamed, when she started to bleed from the violence of his effort—”
 That is not a description that indicates an act of passion or pleasure on Azula’s part. She views it as an assault, and no one should be questioning her on it.
 Azula is so caught up in the memory that she loses her situational awareness, not noticing that Poppy has gotten up to go to her until Poppy touches her wrists (the sensation probably being what brings Azula back to the present, since it grounds her). Poppy almost strokes Azula’s hair to sooth her, which I’m sure Azula would not have known what to do with, since Ursa didn’t give her those maternal touches when she was around. Poppy says that her mother wouldn’t blame her for leaving a man like that, to which Azula bitterly laughs, because Ursa has never been understanding towards Azula before. I do think that Ursa would understand wanting to leave an abusive partner, considering Ozai…but whether she would have actually done it without any external pressure, or supported someone else doing it, is fuzzier. Duty in this case isn’t the death of love so much as self-preservation.
 Poppy wonders if Azula’s rueful reaction means that she’s met Toph, and is judging Poppy based on what Toph has told her. “That was either amazing ignorance or amazing egotism.”—What a line! Poppy’s assumption is off the mark, but Azula confirms that she’s met Toph in passing. I do hope those two will be friends someday, but if not, there’s always “Salt and Ashes.”
 Poppy starts to talk about Toph, while pushing food around her plate, “a nervous habit that spoke of weakness.” Ozai must have broken Azula of that habit, or at least scolded Zuko for it. Poppy and her husband tried to have more children after Toph, but from the sound of it, there were problems with miscarriages, stillbirths, and the babies dying soon after they were born. There’s nothing to indicate what might have been causing that, so we’re going to have to chalk it up to bad luck. Azula is sensitive to this turn in conversation, given her own pregnancy and her worries about the fetus dying or being deformed.
 We get this touching line: “A smile broke over her tear-streaked face then, bittersweet and more genuine than any she had yet shown” as Poppy describes how instead of a daughter she could treat like a doll, she got a strong earthbender, who lived and thrived, unlike her late siblings. But since Toph was also born blind, her parents focused on that for too long, trying to shelter her and keep her safe, rather than respecting Toph’s agency and strength. Which, naturally, Toph didn’t respond well to. Toph and her parents are still estranged, due to a fight Toph and her dad had during her last visit, and Poppy is worried that they’ll never reconcile with their daughter.
 Azula finds all of this hard to stomach, both figuratively and literally. She tells Poppy that she should be telling all of this to Toph instead, and then mentally berates herself for it, because this might backfire on her if Poppy mentions that she had lunch with someone matching Azula’s description. “This was like something Zuko would do,” she scolds herself, even though I’m not sure that Zuko would do this, since it’s Azula’s own estrangement from her mother that subconsciously prompts this. While Poppy makes an excuse that Toph is hard to track down, Azula bolts to the nearest pot and throws up in it. Darn that morning sickness! She also starts crying, due to hormones and to the unpleasantness of the situation. One of Poppy’s servants takes off her belt, which helps relieve some of the pressure on her stomach, and Poppy—who instantly realizes Azula’s condition—tells Azula that she should have run sooner. Again, if only!
 Azula does think that she’ll kill her brother for this, but I don’t think that she really means it, any more than anyone pregnant says that about the one who impregnated them.
 Poppy offers to do what she can to help Azula find her mother, and we shift over to a Zuko scene. Zuko’s crew caught the Dai Li agent, but the Dai Li agent escaped because he’s a metalbender. Bad luck, that. Apparently Zuko thought it was more honorable to let him live after he surrendered, which…(sigh) I do agree with. June points out that the rules of war don’t apply to a witch hunt, to which I also have to agree. While following the rules of war/the civil contract is what you SHOULD be doing, what do you do when your opponent refuses to play by those rules? Especially when the life of your loved one is on the line BECAUSE your opponent betrayed the rule of law to convict her and sentence her to death? The context here matters.
 Zuko tells his crew and Ty Lee to proceed back to the Fire Nation. He and June are going to round up the Dai Li agent themselves. When that happens, June is almost certainly going to kill him. Which, as I’ve said earlier in this review, is the safest thing for Zuko to do, since letting the Dai Li agent contact his superiors would mean that his secret is out, and his family will be in serious danger once it leaks. June also suggests that Zuko needs to become a harder man to survive in their new, dangerous world, and I just have to roll my eyes, because it’s such edgelordy drivel that makes perfect sense coming from her. I don’t know that Zuko needs to be harder—in fact, I think the result of that would be a bunch of unnecessary violence and property damage—but he does need to start being smarter.
 Back to Azula! Azula might not be fond of Poppy on a personal level, but she does appreciate Poppy honoring her word and making sure that Azula is supplied for her journey. We’ve got practical clothes for all temperatures (with an adjustable waistline!), rations, and what amounts to an adventurer’s pack. Azula notes that there’s a scented product in her supplies that smells similar to the abortifacient tea she used when she was…11 or 12, pretty sure…so it makes her feel sick when she smells it. Mint tea has the same effect on her. I called it—she has an aversion response now. I’d say darn you evolution, but it is useful for not ingesting substances that have made you sick in the past and could be poisonous.
 Azula notes that, given how the townspeople behave when confronted with Poppy and her retinue, the Beifongs are practically royalty in this area. I do have to wonder just how many monarchs are on the continent, since we know of at least two, but presumably there could be more, given the size of the Earth Kingdom.
 We also get this: “Azula had to wonder how such a wealthy and influential family had produced someone so loud and coarse as Toph Beifong. But then she would remember the looks Ursa gave her when she insisted on wearing pants instead of dresses, gentle remonstrations spoken from behind pinched brows and wrinkled nose, when Azula would rather practice katas than heat tea with her firebending. And she didn’t have to wonder anymore. Rejection could take many forms, after all. She should know that better than anyone.”—This is really sad and makes me wish that Toph and Azula could become friends and discuss this. Both of them have rejected gender norms and the expectations of their mothers, and while they have found fulfillment in doing so, that disappointment from Ursa and Poppy is still painful for them.
 Poppy also gives Azula an expensive ostrich horse bred for racing, which will draw attention to her. Azula tries to make it look scruffier by getting it dirty and messing with its feathers, but she’s not satisfied that she’s done a good enough job of it, and thinks that she wants to trade it for something practical like an eel hound.
 “The desert dwellers were known to traffic in exotic beasts”—I don’t remember if we actually see any of the sandbenders in this story—I’m thinking not—but I know that at one point, Aurelia was considering an encounter between them and Azula.
 Azula requested a map that led in a different direction than where she’s interested in, in case someone asks after her purchases. She also, when she decides to rest for the night, takes out the passport Poppy gave her and Poppy’s scroll to Toph. Poppy sent a couple more copies out, so if anything happens to this one, Toph will still get her mother’s message eventually.
 “The princess had nodded curtly, half-tempted to reduce Toph’s mother to ashes for the possibility that this peace offering might sic Zuko on her.”—Again, Azula is all bark and no bite, unlike Ozai, who probably would have burnt Poppy for “imposing” on him.
 Azula decides to read the scroll to see if it mentions her. She discovers that it does not, but it is—we can imply—full of Poppy’s love for Toph and remorse for how she treated her. It’s exactly what Azula desperately wants from Ursa. Azula, upset by this, burns the letter and curls up to try to sleep, even though the sun is rising and there’s “an ache in a part of her body she didn’t give a thought to otherwise.” In other words, she’s heartbroken by being confronted with something she doesn’t believe that she’ll ever have.
 And with that, we close out chapter fourteen! Thank you again for the read, Aurelia! And thank you to everyone who has been expressing interest in these reviews. Hopefully I’ll have another one to you within the next week.
 Sincerely,
WiseAbsol
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tisfan · 4 years
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So Many Beds
Title So Many Beds Collaborator(s) @tisfan Link https://archiveofourown.org/works/24480112 Square Filled B4: Bucky/Clint Ship/Main Pairing Bucky/Clint Rating - teen Major Tags/Triggers/Warnings - none Summary Bucky and Clint need a new bed Word Count 1264 For @buckybarnesbingo
Bucky could have sworn that he didn’t look at his phone for more than about four minutes; he got a beep for an email, and he was hoping to hear back about a contract job soon. It might be nice to have a job that wasn’t shooting at people, but hey, he’d only been out of the Army for less than a year, what did he know? He knew he still didn’t have steady work. He’d had a couple of contracts for doing heavy lifting and other stupid stuff like that, but not a real job, or a real paycheck.
What he did know was that, after half a year of being home and stepping cautiously around a super cute roomie who he wasn’t quite positive wasn’t hitting on him -- and he’d talked it out about sixty million times with his friends before finally taking a chance.
Six months in, Clint finally said, “Look, this is great and all, believe me, I love snuggling, but man, it’s gonna get hot soon, and sleeping two in a twin is just not going to cut it.”
Bucky had a small amount of savings; there really hadn’t been anything to spend money on aside from hookers and booze, while he was deployed, and no, really, not either of those either, because guess what, the middle east wasn’t big on actual relaxing. So, he had savings.
Which did not really mean he wanted to spend three hundred dollars or so on half a bed, and a boxspring, because he didn’t do that shit of sleeping on the floor. Plus sheets and pillows and all that stuff.
On the other hand, moving into the same bedroom with Clint would mean that they had a spare room in their apartment that they could use as an office.
Maybe he could get some work doing computer software. From home.
Bucky blinked at the email. “Your breakdown backup.” The fuck even was that? 
Spam, as it turned out. It didn’t seem to matter how careful he was, or how thoroughly he triaged his inbox, some amount of “let me sell you shit you don’t need and can’t afford” seemed to slip through.
All in all, though, he was looking at his phone for less than ten minutes. Probably.
And when he looked up, Clint was gone.
Like, not just not beside him, but gone.
He’d either kept going -- not noticing Bucky’s signal to stop a minute -- or he’d gone back.
But in either case, Bucky was now standing alone in the middle of one of those furniture outlet stores that was the size of an airplane hanger, filled with discount sofas and tables, as well as beds, televisions, and electronics.
And the worst part was, in order to give people the idea of space, the floorplan was made up of about half a hundred or so “room sized” display areas that weren’t evenly spaced. 
Which meant sight lines were nothing but a wish and a dream.
Bucky couldn’t see more than fifty feet in any direction.
Bucky wanted it known, period, that he wasn’t scared. That wasn’t even on the list. He was just  annoyed. He was in a big ass furniture store. In New Jersey. Alone.
Because his parter-slash-boyfriend had vanished while Bucky looked like an email.
Annoyed.
Bucky called his name a few times, but Clint was partly deaf, and while he wore hearing aids, they didn’t always help. Especially not in a high noise clutter environment like this. He might even have taken the ‘aids out, if things were bothering him. Bucky usually signed when he talked anyway, just to be polite.
Deciding that Clint probably wouldn’t have gone on ahead, Bucky decided to backtrack through the last few showrooms.
No Clint.
He checked the room with the bare mattresses, piles and piles of them, for laying down on and testing -- Clint had laid down on about forty of them, and Bucky only two.
He couldn’t seem to relax enough to test a mattress -- with his boyfriend -- where people might see them. Call him a self-hating, still in the closet gay man. Which was kinda true, but also because laying down made him vulnerable, and he was still jittery from being in the Army where laying down sometimes meant people shot at you.
Some things took a long time to unlearn.
No Clint in the mattress room.
Bucky backtracked even further, thinking of the rows of sofas that Clint had tried, excited as hell about things like heated seats and consoles where you could store your remotes and cup holders and fancy gizmos.
“Can I help you find something, sir?”
“I’m lookin’ for my roommate,” Bucky said, scowling.
“Well, I can have him paged,” she suggested. “Since he’s probably not in the clearance section.”
“Yeah, we can try that,” Bucky said. Although it was entirely likely that Clint was in the clearance section. He could be a real cheapskate that way, and maybe he was looking for a good deal there.
Bucky texted him like six times while the store intercom system went off. Nothing. 
Bucky wasn't worried.
Yet. 
"Do you have a first aid station?"
"Uh," the salesclerk said. "Technically, yes, because safety and liability, but there's never anyone there."
"Just point me, I'll check on it," he said. Clint was often sporting any number of bandaids and wrist compression grips from hurting himself.
It did take him a while to find the first aid station. But Clint wasn't there either.
Bucky even checked the kitchen area, since Clint had once fallen asleep on the table in Steve apartment and called it the best night of sleep he'd ever had.
Finally, sitting in one of the kitchen chairs, face buried in his hands, Bucky remembered a conversation they'd had, about Clint's brother Barney. 
"He always got the top bunk," Clint had complained. And you know I like high places."
“Miss,” he said. She didn’t look happy that he’d come back again, still sans companion. "Do you have any kid's beds? Like for two kids sharin' a room?"
The salesclerk looked at him as if he’d lost his mind, but that was okay. He was pretty sure she’d decided that he was imagining a roommate entirely. That said, she didn’t follow him this time, when she pointed the direction. Let the crazy guy be someone else’s problem.
The kids’ rooms were cute, the walls were shorter, and everything was colorful. Bright blue and red, purple or pink. Giant numbers, letters, and animals painted on it. Adult furniture was boring. Brown, light brown, reddish brown, chrome, white, or black.
It was no wonder people had kids; kept you from drowning in how boring being an adult could be.
And there was Clint, tucked up on one of the top bunks.
Sound asleep.
“Wake up, beautiful,” Bucky said, leaning over Clint, his mouth practically buzzing Clint’s hair. He ended it with sticking his tongue in Clint’s ear, which got him swatted and nearly knocked off the ladder, but it was worth it.
Absolutely.
“Yuck,” Clint said, finger in his ear, wiggling it around. “No call for that.”
“Sure there was,” Bucky said. “Let’s go, Sleeping Beauty.”
Clint yawned. “Yeah, we’re all done here?”
“I’ve been walkin’ around here for nearly an hour looking for you. I’m done.”
They were most of the way back to their apartment when Clint groaned. “Aw, bed, no.”
“Huh?”
“We didn’t-- we were there for hours, and we didn’t pick one!”
“Guess I’m squashin’ you in the twin again tonight,” Bucky said.
“There are worse fates.” 
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katjohnadams · 4 years
Note
1/3I’m black/white. My friend and me are going though all the stuff that’s been happening and he just says I hate all white people I hate them all. And I got instantly offended because my moms white and just you can’t hate all white people and i could just see it. The hate you know? So I say don’t say that. It’s not right and it’s racist. He then goes to explain to me racism/power thing and I’m like okay. I’ve never heard that before so I get it I agree. Made me so uncomfortable though and I lef
2/3 I waited a couple days and was basically told him how I felt and that if he was going to hate all white People I’m not apart of that. I’ll fight the battle from over here. I just believe we need to stick together. We need our allies we can’t hate them. And that was the only point I was trying to make. And he told me that we should cut ties. I’ve been questioning myself this whole week and he’s making me feel like I’m fake. I’ve been trying to learn and do more and be active of course
3/3 Pls keep me anonymous idk if I clicked the button on the last post. But so I go saying I’m sorry o never meant to betray the black community in anyway. And surprised him. But he said he’s still thinking about things and I’m honestly a wreck because I’m not to sure what I did wrong and he thinks I should just know. And I’m just ugh I need some advice from a strong advocater about these things. Thank you. I feel like he thinks I’m an all lives matter girl ?Which 100% I’m not ! I know wtf is up
4/3 Honestly I’m the one who wrote you three pages of ahit. But I literaly looked it up and I feel so fucking stupid. It was literally a google search. Hone, you sound young. So please, please hear me out when I say: It’s okay. People have been out here fighting to be better humans and unlearning their shit and relearning new shit since before the written word. Me? I’m not black at all. My family is a nice weird mix of random southern white, Irish, Scottish, and Korean. I came from PRIVILEGE. And I have spent the past fifteen plus years unlearning it.
You’re young, shit’s wacky, and we’re trying. As long as you listen to people when they speak about their disenfranchisement and not others (I don’t care what a white person has to say about being black, I don’t care what a rich person has to say about being poor, etc) and just honestly do your best, you’ll be better than my generation.
Your generation already is.
Tonight I was out in the street with the most diverse group of mostly mid-20’s and under looking people, taking the streets, advocating for Black Lives and Black voices, and You know what? It was one of the most impressive marches I’ve seen in terms of organization. It was smooth., Fast. Nimble. It hit areas where, even at 10pm, we were in people’s ears and they were mostly glad to see us. They had more energy than I think I’ve ever seen. My old ass was having trouble keeping up. I’ve got several blisters from trying!
Your generation gets it. Ours is only more experienced, and if we do our job we leave you with less, or at least new, baggage.
When your friend says “I hate white people” as you already googled (Good for you! I still can’t get some of my friends to do that!), he’s not saying that he really hates white people. He’s saying they have become a source of constant and painful trauma and they are a trigger for him, even the white people on his side.
And yes, it’s a trigger. Not all reactions to trauma look the same and the anger felt towards white people as a person of color is often from having been part of a community disenfranchised in favor of a different skin tone. Note I say “In favor of”. Because you don’t have to be white to participate in that. Asians have a BIG DAMN PROBLEM with anti-blackness, treating lighter skin as somehow better. It’s damn gross. White people do it, too. People can fall into perpetuating that shit against themselves.
Why shouldn’t they feel and express trauma and pain? And if that is expressed as anger, well it’s not always comfortable or nice, but it gets shit done. And if me and the other not-black people can SHUT THE ENTIRE FUCK UP for a minute, then Black Voices can be heard.
And let me be SUPER CLEAR here. I’m not revealing some secret to you from my fuckin galaxy brain. I’m just tell you what black people have taught me, and I have made an effort to listen. Being told “We hate white people is an expression of trauma and justified anger at our disenfranchisement” was a shock, and I had to step back and check myself before I answered. I have not always been on the right side of things. Frankly, I used to be a piece of shit.
I’m still far from perfect.
But now, now I listen.
At tonight’s rally, I and a lot of other allies did the only correct thing. We listened to black voices. We supported them in actions. We were ready to get into the shit to protect them. Because that’s what they’ve told us they need. And it’s time we do it.
I’m glad you understand the difference know between racism against PoC and traumatic reactions to white people. It’s a huge gap. And not one I learned easily. Oh yes, I was one of THOSE assholes. “But ____ are racist too!” UGH. Cancel my twenty year old self, please.
Don’t feel stupid. You are the center of your knowledge. Draw a circle around yourself. Inside that circle, is all you know about. The edge of the circle is the things you can see that you don’t know. As you know more and push that circle wider, you’ll know more, but you’ll find new things you didn’t know. And then more and more and so on.
It’s always a process.
Try not to judge people who don’t know but their hearts in it. Try not to be too hard on yourself as long as you listen and grow. And remember, you’re young. Plenty more years to find out how terrible you used to be (Get used to it, we all do. It’s okay. Every generation starts as a baby knowing jack shit but has to catch up on a whole world of experiences and learning)
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imladris-soldier · 5 years
Text
Lashes (pt 17)
Bill Williamson is a racist asshole. Everyone knows it. They just punch him and go on about their day. When a Lakota woman joins the gang, everyone expects things to go on as normal, slurs and all, and for a time, it does. But her curiosity gets the better of her, and she finds that hatred is something learned - which means it can be unlearned, if given time, care, and patience. And she has plenty of those… the first two, anyway.
Bill Williamson x OC
One day passed, and then another without Kieran showing back up in camp. Star didn't like it one bit. Any trail he might have left was long gone by that point, and without knowing which direction he'd left in, there was no use going out and trying to find one. Bill watched Star fidget and pace, but he never said a word. They would have fallen on deaf ears anyway.
It was ultimate Sadie who took Star by the shoulders late one afternoon and sat her down. “Now, you frettin' all over this camp ain't gonna bring that boy back any sooner. He's grown. He'll come back when he's good and ready. Now you just settle yourself down.”
The stern, motherly talking to was enough to force Star to calm down a bit. Sadie was right, of course. There was nothing she could do, and it was a waste of energy to think otherwise. To distract herself, she went and found Javier to ask about the riverboat job.
The man laughed and pat the log next to him. “It is quite a tale, amiga. Let me see if I can get Arthur to say señor the way he did that night.”
The cowboy refused, blushing and waving off a giggling Javier as he walked away to speak with Dutch. Star watched him go, grinning. “So, what? Then you all just leaped from the boat into the water? Strauss too?”
“That is exactly what we did. We had what we came for, and any other method of escape was either too slow or too obvious, and they were already onto us.”
“Jesus. When Arthur said it was a hair-brained idea, I didn't realize he wasn't exaggerating.”
“With Josiah Trelawney, there is never too much exaggerating.” He laughed quietly to himself, then changed the subject. “Ey, tell me something. You and Bill. This is a... permanent arrangement?”
“I... well, I don't know about permanent, but I don't foresee an end currently. Why do you ask?”
He shrugged. “I've just been thinking. When I first met the man, he curled up his nose at me. Called me greaser and other names – mostly whatever poorly formed insult he could come up with at the time. He doesn't do this anymore. Not to me or Charles or Lenny or Tilly. I admit wondering what it is you did to him. He treated you just as badly when you arrived, and yet...”
“I know.” Star sighed and looked at the ground. “He treated others badly to feel better about himself. You see how people treat him. He might act big and tough, but it hurts him to be so demeaned, and he took out that hurt on those around him – those he had been taught were less than. I simply told him that what he was taught is wrong, and that he is worthy of love in his own right. It took time, but... once he realized I was not trying to fool him, he really listened. Deep down, he wants to please and be accepted.”
Javier nodded a bit. “I noticed once that the worst of his words came when he was drunk. I thought that interesting.”
“Hm. True. I believe the alcohol was a double-edged sword. It helped him escape that which he did not wish to face, but it also heightened his vulnerabilities. I don't know what demons whispered in his head, but they were very unkind. To drown them out, he yelled unkind things at others instead. Perhaps he meant them at the time, I don't know. But... the demons seem quieter now, and he does not lash out so much. When he does, it is at those who deserve it. Does this make sense?”
“It does to me.” Javier smiled. “You read the man like a book, then ripped out the pages and made him start writing it all over again.”
“That is an interesting metaphor. But I suppose you're right. He...”
“Dios mio!”
Javier cut across her, staring over her shoulder in abject horror. A scream ripped through the air of the camp, followed by chilling words. “It's Kieran!”
Star stood and spun, unable for a moment to reconcile reality with what she was looking at. Kieran's headless body sat atop a horse that wasn't his, and his missing head rested in his hands. His eyes had been gouged out and left open so that deep, bloody caverns stared back at her. The raw stump atop his shoulders still oozed slightly which meant that the wound was recent. It couldn't have been more than an hour since his head had been removed. Which meant that he couldn't have been far. If they'd been paying attention, maybe they could have heard him scream.
“Everybody take cover!” Dutch roared from the balcony of the house as gunshots started ringing. “O'Driscoll boys comin' in!”
Star didn't hear him. She just kept standing there, staring. Even after the horse had reared and run, leaving Kieran's body in a heap on the ground, she couldn't tear her eyes from the spot. “Get down, Star!” Javier shouted, grabbing her by the shirt and dragging her behind one of the defenses that the Raiders had left behind.
It took Star a long moment to get her bearings and realize that they were under attack. O'Driscolls. Dutch had said O'Driscolls. Like Kieran used to be. They took him. They tortured him. They killed him.
The war cry that tore from her throat as she drew her hatchet and leaped over the battlements hearkened back to a day long past. She channeled a rage in that moment that seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere. This is how she fought for her family.
Between her hatchet and her pistol, several men fell, but that did not make her impervious to bullets. One cut through her upper arm, but between the adrenaline and the anger, she barely felt it. Swift feet carried her from man to man. She was vaguely aware of her fellows yelling at her to get inside the house, but there weren't any O'Driscolls in the house.
Finally, Charles' large hand closed around her arm and pulled her away as she roared and fired off shots into the trees. As they neared the house, however, a scream came from out back, and Arthur called, “That's Sadie! I gotta go help her. Cover me!”
It was enough of a distraction to slacken Charles' grip, and Star broke free, barreling around the house and diving on the first man she saw. By the time her hatchet stopped falling, his head was removed from his body, and she was on to the next.
The last man she tackled to the ground before the O'Driscolls retreated felt her knife at his throat as she hoarsely whispered in his ear, “Lé mitháwa thiwáhe. This is my family. See how the Lakota protect and avenge their family.”
Her well-maintained knife bit into his skin and sliced like butter while he gurgled and jerked in her grip. In his last moments, that knife moved to his hairline and ripped backwards, removing a long strip of dark hair. She gripped it in her hand, and shouted her victory at the backs of the retreating men.
“Cowards!” Dutch yelled.
Hosea came out of the house, followed slowly by others. ��We ok?”
“I think so. Except for Kieran here. Poor kid. Mr. Swanson, will you take this boy and bury him? Someplace near, but... not too near.”
“Of course,” the reverend replied. “Charles, help me with the body.”
“We need to get this place cleaned up,” Hosea called. Mr. Pearson! Ms. Grimshaw!”
“Already taking care of it!” the woman called back.
Star stood on the edge of the property, still clutching the scalp of the man her feet. She was covered in blood again, but this time it did not call up bad memories. At least... not for her.
When she turned around to come back, she saw Bill standing by the gazebo, staring at her. His eyes had glassed over slightly, and he didn't seem entirely able to move. Given the position of his body, he seemed to have been stuck that way for some time. His gun was still pointed at the trees.
“Williamson, move your ass and help!” Hosea snapped.
Star immediately snarled, “Leave him alone!” Her instinct was to run to him and usher him away, but she knew that she was the cause of his current state. To do so would be to invite disaster. “He... he needs... take him somewhere quiet. Away from... away from me. Someone.”
Arthur was the only one to react, going to Bill's side and gently taking his rifle from him. “Come on, big man. Let's go cool off.”
Bill relinquished the gun almost as if he had no control over his limbs. He followed Arthur's hand on his shoulder without question, eyes just staring out in front of him. Star couldn't imagine what horrors were replaying in his mind, and every part of her felt remorse for having triggered them. Still, she could not take back her actions and would not anyway. The O'Driscolls hopefully learned a lesson about messing with the Van Der Linde Gang that day.
Though she knew it was tradition to keep the scalps of enemies, Star let it fall into the grass. Keeping it would only serve to cause Bill more problems, and she had made her point. Instead, she made her way to the water to wash her face and hands. After helping Reverend Swanson, Charles fell into step with her.
“You ok?”
“I'm fine. Well... I'm not fine. But if you're asking me if I'm going to have a breakdown like I did at Clemens Point, the answer is no.”
“I see.”
They walked in silence to the water, then knelt and washes themselves as clean as they could get without properly bathing. Star sighed and leaned on the backs of her legs. “Will you go check on Bill please? My actions have caused great distress. I didn't even think about it. I just... reacted.”
“Sure.” Charles stood, but paused. “He'll be alright. You'll work through it.”
“I know. But it's best if I keep my distance for a while. Just tell him... tell him I'm sorry.”
“I will.”
With that, Charles left her. She knelt by the water a while longer, then noticed an alligator on the opposite bank, watching her. “Fuck off, you beast,” she murmured, splashing water at it and getting up to leave.
Knowing well that her presence in camp might just be a source of trouble that the gang did not need, Star gathered up her things, mounted Rhiannon, and rode out. She wasn't really sure where she was going, but space was needed, so space she would give.
As she rode, she realized that she and Arthur were meant to be meeting with Eagle Flies in a few days anyway, so she made the decision to head up to the Heartlands and wait for them both at Citadel Rock. It would give her time to be alone and think.
The ride north went without issue. She traveled through the night and arrived at her destination not too long after sunrise. Once she set up a small camp, she finally took a moment to simply collapse on the ground. The tension she'd been subconsciously holding in her body had locked up every muscle, and when she finally gave them leave to relax, they ached.
That tension had also been holding in her grief, so a quiet sob accompanied her exhale. She didn't implode quite as much as she had over Sean, but the pain of knowing that Kieran had been in trouble the whole time and no one had helped him was overwhelming. She kept imagining his frightened, bruised face as they tried to beat the location of camp out of him. Perhaps he'd broken and told them, or perhaps they had already known and just wanted to see if they could break him. Either way, she gave no blame to him.
Once she had run through all the scenarios of Kieran's murder, her mind turned to Bill and his vacant expression after the fight. She'd seen him go white at her actions before, but he'd never just... disappeared from his body like that. She couldn't blame him. Just knowing the story about the night his previous lover had been killed was enough to know some of the things he had seen. Every action she had taken would have been a reminder he did not need. She cried for him too, knowing how much she had inadvertently hurt him.
The tears led to exhaustion, and she ended up sleeping the afternoon away. Her growling stomach woke her after nightfall. She settled for some salted beef, deciding to hunt the next day and instead enjoy the stars while she patched up her wounded arm. The sky was clear and cool, and she caught sight of many falling stars that streaked over the canvas above her. In her heart, she wished Bill was with her.
On the appointed meeting day, as luck would have it, Arthur showed up first. He gave a wave as he dismounted and led his horse to Star's camp. “Thought I might find you here.”
“Sorry I didn't tell you.”
“It's alright. I knew why you didn't.”
“How is he?”
“Better. Worried about you.”
“Me?” she snorted. “Of the two of us, I came out mostly unscathed.”
“Yeah, but... well, he knows you probably feel bad and all. Kept sayin' he didn't mean to space out like that. Couldn't help it none.”
“I know. But it's something to think about, isn't it? If I can cause something so terrible in him... maybe...” Her throat constricted, making the next few words very hard to say. “Maybe I shouldn't be with him.”
“That's shit, and you know it. You two been through a lot'a pain and memories together, and you always come out the other side. Just talk to him. That's all I'm sayin'. Before you make any decisions, just talk to him.”
“Reasonable enough request.” She sighed and stood, turning her gaze to the oil fields on the plain below. “Won't be easy getting in there. Or getting out.”
“Ain't nothin' been easy in a long time,” Arthur chuckled.
“True.”
Before long, Eagle Flies rode up the path to them. “You came!” he called.
“Said I would, didn't I?” Arthur replied with a wave.
The Wapiti man hopped down from his horse and came to stand with them on the ledge. “Now, Star, is there another game you're playing, pretending to be something you are not, or can you properly introduce me to your friend?”
Star laughed and nudged Arthur. “I told you he knew. We're not very good at subterfuge.”
“Never claimed to be,” he answered with a smile.
“Arthur is one of the members of the gang I fell in with. We were not expecting to see each other that day on High Street, so we panicked and pretended we didn't know each other. In any case, he's a good man, and I trust him.”
“I see.” Eagle Flies nodded. “Well, if you trust this man, then so shall I. I've been doing some scouting in the last few days. There is a foreman named Danbury. He keeps the files we need locked up in his office, above the refinery room.” Arthur pulled out his binoculars, and Eagle Flies pointed. “There. It's the window with the shade pulled up.”
“I see it.”
“If the files are as incriminating as we believe, Mr. Conwall's men will destroy them if they know you're coming.”
Arthur nodded. “Well, there's only one of me, son. I don't intend for them to know I'm comin'. What will the files say?”
“They will be a report from the Leland Oil Development Company.”
“You got the money your daddy promised me?”
Eagle Flies sighed, giving a sidelong glance at Star. “Yes.”
“Any ideas how I sneak into this place?”
“You could crawl under the fence, or hide in one of those wagons that keep rolling in.”
With a nod and a deep breath, Arthur put away his binoculars. “I'll go take a look.”
“If there is problem, call for us.”
“I thought the whole point was that this had nothin' to do with you!” he called over his shoulder as he made his way down the hill.
“Ideally.”
Star crouched with Eagle Flies on the ledge, watching as Arthur crept onto a wagon that eventually rolled through the gates to the refinery and out of sight. Anxiety left Star tense and breathing shallowly which Eagle Flies noticed.
“You say you trust this man, but you seem very worried.”
“It's not lack of confidence in him that causes me distress. Just his safety. We were recently attacked by a rival gang. They captured and killed one of our own. My heart still aches from the loss. I could not bear another.”
“Ah.” He paused a moment before looking back at her. “You speak highly of this gang. They... treat you well?”
“They do. Very well. I have not been treated so well by white people anywhere else.”
“What about the man at the party? The one who hit you?”
Star smiled softly. “He... is a complicated man, but he now treats me best of all. It took time and effort. But it's true.”
The man at her side squinted slightly in suspicion. “You and this man have found love, haven't you?”
“Yes. We have.”
“Fascinating.”
“You don't know the half of it,” she chuckled.
Gunshots echoed across the plain, coming from the refinery. Star nearly fell off the ledge in her haste to stand. “We have to help him!”
Eagle Flies stood as well, casting his gaze wider. “Look there. The oil pump. Let's blow it. Should be a proper distraction to give your friend time to escape.”
They mounted up and flew down the hill, taking a roundabout way to the pump that was on the other side of the field. Star whistled for Arthur's horse, and he came running along behind her, eyes wide.
The two natives sped in, and Eagle Flies sent a flaming arrow into the tower which immediately caught on the oil and spread until the pressure was too much and the pump exploded. The workers were thrown into chaos. Star rode into the mess, using her bow as well to make less noise and thus be less of a target.
When Arthur came running out of the darkness in her direction, she sighed in relief. “Did you get the files?”
“Yeah!” he called, leaping onto his horse. “But we need to get the hell outta here!”
“Follow me!” Eagle Flies yelled over the din.
The two raced to join him, fending off the few men that managed to try and fight back as they fled. They thundered across the plain, away from the refinery and into the growing darkness of the night.
“That explosion came just in time!” Arthur called.
Eagle Flies smiled. “I was happy to watch some of that oil burn. Did you meet Mr. Danbury?”
“Yes, don't worry. He was very obliging.”
They pulled to a stop to rest, and Arthur climbed off his horse. “I thought you two wasn't gonna get involved.”
“I thought you were going to enter and leave silently,” Eagle Flies retorted with a smirk.
Arthur grinned and held out the papers. “Well, thank you. You saved my life.”
Eagle Flies looked over the paperwork. “Thank you. I hope... well... I don't know what I hope. Maybe these will be of some use to us. Here's your money.” Arthur took it with a grateful nod. “Star, if you have need of us, my father and I will be returning to our village soon. Do you remember where it is?”
“Donner Falls?”
“Yes. If we would like to find you... how would we do so?”
Star glanced at Arthur, then replied, “We move around a lot. Send a letter to Tacitus Kilgore – to any post office. It may not be timely, but it is the best way.”
“Understood. Strange. But understood. Be careful out there.”
“And you as well. Goodbye.”
With that, Eagle Flies waved and rode off.
Star turned to Arthur, joining him on the ground. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“Agreeing to help them. Even if you did get paid. Many wouldn't help a native, money or no money.”
“Don't matter to me what color someone is. You know that.”
“I do,” she agreed with a smile. “But it's nice to see it in practice.”
He smiled too. “Come on. Let's get back to camp. I'll catch you up on the trolley incident.”
“Oh dear god.”
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dandystones · 4 years
Text
Yes means no.
***There are two parts to this long ass post because I didn't realise I had so much to say oops***
Setting boundaries, I recently learnt I've been terrible at that for most of my life.
I hate when people tell me what to do, to the point I'd do the exact opposite, but I always wanted validation. I sought it from everyone and their mothers because I never got it from myself.
The internet seems to talk a big game about how the universe will keep on sending you lessons in all it's glorious forms if we don't pick up on it; like how we always encounter the same toxic people and relationships, one after another.
It's funny when I recall them now.
***PART 1***
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I like to think I've been very blessed when it came to friendship. All through my life, I've always felt that I made friends easily and had plenty of platonic support. However at different stages of my life, I've also noticed that despite all the good friends I surrounded myself with, I've always had that one person in my life who was just a little too self absorbed, borderline narcisstic and treaded way too close for comfort.
For reference, I'm going to list some people but not their whole names: my mum >> X >> O >> H >> C
The most coincidental thing I've come to realise is 1) that each person had a specific time in my life where they rose to prominence, or in other words, where they suffocated me the most 2) the end of each 'stage of prominence' was the start of the next. For example, when I thought I'd finally stepped out of my mum's narcissistic shadow, X stepped and morphed into that narcisstic figure until I'd decided it was time to cut ties. Around the same time, I met O and she slowly morphed into that person.
Continously, I realise I've always had that one presence in my life and each person would stay for many years until a breaking point, after which I would draw the line and keep my distance. As a rough estimate, I took about 25 years to understand that this exhausting cycle of going through toxic loved one after another is simply a lesson of setting boundaries.
I came to this realization in the past 6-12 months because I was having a particular hard time adjusting at work and it was really tough to master the art of stakeholder management. I won't say I'm an expert now, but I've gotten much better at putting my foot down and helping people to understand how their basic (read: brainless) actions are making my job unnecessarily difficult and defying my work ethics. I started to understand the importance of setting my own boundaries because we can never assume anyone would know them if we don't speak it.
Around the same time, I noticed the last person in this cycle, C had started to transition out of her role as the narcisstic shadow in my life entirely on her own. I've never had that happen to me without having to ruthlessly cut ties before. It's like something just clicked. On hindsight, the lesson just made sense and perhaps because I understand what it is now, there was no longer a need for the lesson to remain.
I always thought I was good at saying no to people, because I didn't care what they think which is true for the most part, I don't care what strangers think. What I came to realise about myself was that I needed help saying no to non strangers, people I care about, the people I need in my life.
***PART 2***
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The word 'no' carried too much grief and associated history with abuse and neglect. My parents never made it easy for me growing up; affection was a competition between myself and both my younger sisters. My father could never find balance at work, so he overcompensated by trying to take control of everything at home. Nothing I said nor did could ever please him, he was always angry about the tiniest thing.
Everything was someone else's fault; between denying me any help with school work because I didn't go to a school of his choice and completely beating my self esteem down because I dare ask him for any help to a seemingly insignificant act like him accidentally stepping on my toes at the supermarket, he would twist and mold all my words until they made him looked like a hero in his own fantasy, that I was beneath him, and that everything bad that happened in his life was my fault and no one else's.
You couldn't fight him with reason even if you tried to, because he wasn't fighting for anything, he just wanted to win and he would say anything to wear you down. Every night would end in the same way, a disgustingly heated verbal mess between him, myself and my mom; abuse of any kind is simply the cheap power you get when you destroy people for the sake of your ego.
My mum was completely helpless in that regard, she stayed the hell out of his way whenever he had an outburst, even if it meant leaving me to fend for myself. I refused to back down from the injustice and his words dug its claws deeper in my gut, every quarrel we had made me sick with anger because no matter how hard I tried to defend myself, every takeaway was how each of his mistakes were the result of my failures even if it had nothing to do with it.
This went on for years. I knew I couldn't run away because I was underage, financially unstable and still needed a roof above my head. I felt absolutely helpless and remember crying myself to sleep all the time, praying to God to take me away - away from here, away from being the family's punching bag, away to another universe where parents actually protected their children, built them up and supported them.
Growing up in an environment where your survival thrived from avoiding all the stressors that could result in rage meant that I became extremely cautious in expressing my needs and opinions out of a fear of of displeasing my parents. Every subsequent outburst was a slap in the face, a painful reminder of how abandoned and unsupported I was in this family.
This led to a series of bad behaviors where I was desperate to please and longed for a life devoid of rejection. For the parts of myself who had endured so much neglect, I just couldn't bare the same devastation over again. Putting myself second and others first was easy as long as they were happy. I had this belief that if I accidently let myself be honest, people wouldn't accept me and I couldn't risk letting my guard down again.
Over time, I started saying yes to everything I wanted to say no to. Yes means no, no came with a '... but I'll do this for you instead' to overcompensate my fear. Slowly but surely, I became exhausted from pleasing people all the time. I said yes to social events I didn't care to be at, I patiently listened to every word of every person who needed me even if they didn't care to be there for me, I helped every toxic person who saw an opportunity to exploit my time and kindness. Without realizing, I was unnecessarily deriving a form of validation from being a yes-girl, I didn't know how to say no. Beyond that I'd lost my sense of self because I didn't know if anyone would care about me if I stopped doing all these things.
This obviously manifested in many unhealthy coping mechanisms and constantly wanting to be alone because I felt that everyone around me wanted something from me I couldn't give. It became a toxic cycle of self harm, feeling absolutely hopeless and finding sick joy in dreaming about the many different ways to end my life. At age 17, I've never felt more alone.
Ive had to see a counsellor for prolonged periods of my life and thisemotional abuse was one of the key moments that contributed to it.
Recovery was one hella of a slippery slope and had relapsed so many times I've lost count. I was convinced my abuse had rewired my body's ability to understand what love was, all I felt was the fire of resentment, burning my insides with the anxiety of having to live out the rest of my life in a bubble of 'my mistakes'.
Through my counsellor, we had to un-learnt the act of being too harsh of myself, as a result of the years I spent projecting my dad's expectations on myself. Rewiring your brain to calm itself down when you're triggered is difficult but not impossible. There were many scenarios where I became aware of the fact that the voice in my head mimicked my dad's in giving all but bone crushing criticism, guilt tripping my every move and spiralling myself into depression again.
Re-learning the notion of 'giving myself to others' whilst being 'unapologetically myself' was interesting and refreshing. Mostly, my subconscious got better at unlearning the act of constantly censoring myself for the sake of others; how to live freely & become a more honest version of myself regardless of the people around me. Not in any manner that might be of harm to others though, just in a way that allows me to stop relying on other people’s validation to keep my spirits lifted.
Every relapse back then sunk me into my depression, harder. Looking back now, I'm glad I didn't give up even though the chance was present and tempting every step of the way. Everyday still feels like a challenge, but I get it now when people say it gets easier
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aminemy-blog · 7 years
Text
I don’t try hurt people
I care, and I think I get scared of things I can’t explain
I don’t mean to yell,
I’m so sick, it feels silly but sometimes speaking calmly feels mundane or, wrong, or, obvious, like the frustration of wanting to speak clearly makes me irate, then I react aggressively, instead of just calmly, I don’t know why. being calm hurts me... like it has a bad meaning. something has scarred me..
my father, its so simple how sensitive children are, I sound like a moron talking about it as an adult, yet its so intrinsic to our psychological development. I can’t help but see every bit.
My father is neurotic and can’t seem to explain anything without forcing it out faster than he’s able to, as if to make surehe always sounds smart, and like he doesn’t have to think.
I hate these egotistical neurotic impulses that have been instilled into me. I can’t even calmly speak to someone and explain a complex thought without going at full speed. like I’ma fraid if I don’t I’ll get shot down. if I don’t I’ll feel stupid and wrong. like I’ve always felt my whole life, any time I tried to have an opinion or voice, I’m always met with the cynicism of an adult that doesn’t understand how to foster the genius existing within each and every child. 
I do not believe my potential for this genius is completely gone. 
I will not let go of my thoughtfulness, I know its caused me so many problems, mostly in not keeping my mouth shut, feeling excusable for everything... but thats a small part of the big picture. I have made mistakes but I will never, ever stop striving for absolute mastery of who I am. 
I have always wanted greatness, in the form that may come will be entirely me. My version of what my body and mind could do at its max. and this sounds so personal and self based but it’s just about perfecting every fault and being the perfect person. creating love and energy and communication in social situations, I want to be a social swiss army knife, with endless charisma, and ability to deal with anyone and anything and keep everyone happy. always able to make the hardest calls. I want to be what I admire, respect, and idolize the most. 
I’ve never stopped wanting this. but in the meantime addictinos fears and imbalanced egos have really reared their head, and shown me so much darkness I have grown through adolescence. Remember it is all just an illusion of memory.
Lack of sleep createsnegative connotations to our memories. highlighting the negatives over goodnesses. years of chronic sleep disability due to overconsumption of sugar and caffeine, added to a hormonal withdrawal caused by becoming adolescent to the point where substances like sugar stop producing cocaine-like effects in the mind, creating a very large psychological fallout at the beginning of puberty. explaining my intense meloncholia at the time. and intensly driven energy to solve the human brain beyond what science today was even capable of. I believe without science at all, I understand an element of humanity, instictively, without proof, without evidence. I have always been somewhat tuned into my own subconscious.
This has made dealing with females extremely difficult because in a way I appear insane because I can sometimes be cold and cloof, distant from emotional topics and able to address them, and other times emotion can rule me to the point of aggression and abuse. 
But each thing I undergo had an emotional trigger, a reason. And a reason why a better part of me didn’t kick in and kick my ass.
She showed me love. for the first time in my life, real love. even though her love was widespread, it was still the most concentrated thing I’ve ever felt. 
I doubted love. I doubted us. she was gone for so long. there was noone to confide in. noone to say, you did the right thing. love isn’t about this shit. no guy in my life was even to that point. and neither was I. but I tried to be. I tried to love and care for a girl I was in love with even though she left me, and it made sense why. But the boyish hate and fear and jealousy... was too great for me. I had held it for too long. Fear that I was a fool. Fear that I loved her so much, like just some dumb idiot in love with a girl who’s banging some other guy a million miles away. 
It’s the beginning of a coming of age movie. or some shit.
How could I not doubt it? How could I not stop and say.... Wow I mean, every part of my heart and soul tells me this is right but... am I just fucked? am I a complete idiot for believing this?
I put myself into you, but each time, God I just wanted to really really get to know you. for real. I’ve gotten to know so many people better when I really just wanna know... you.. always have. You purposely kept this distance. I just wanted to be closer. to show you I could break my patterns. 
But each thing your wall got higher. and my loneliness existed. and I just wanted to snap back to how you first saw me. I kept thinking it could happen. Your love is so bright, each time we spoke it felt brand new, like I was forgiven. 
I didn’t see my actions adding up.. I just thought you felt exactly what I felt.
I will not let shit go unlearned
I love you self. I love you. May that love be enough to drive you into who you need to be, me. 
Since the day I met you. I’ve never been able to make my body and mind feel as good as when I’m with you. it’s a curse because like a drug I need that feeling, I wont accept my life until I feel that good every second. 
I can’t love myself enough to make up for your love for me.
maybe I could one day, I wish I could now but I guess I just don’t want it enough? if I did I’d be there.. but I feel I do.. Deep down I believe I have so much learning left that this strife is how it is supposed to be.
I live in my own subconscious. every second of it. I am not on the top layer.
You’re not sick mark. in you is the childhood genius, squandered. you wretch and tear to let it out to embrace what you ahve always seen in the world. the infinite details. the inner workings. the underlying psychology.
it all strikes me first nature. I see it all. I feel its confusing me, its making me see peoples inner desires as evil, when they are ones I share myself. I fear those I love being like me but we all have human nature.
I look too deeply and it scares me. I wish overdosing on some drug could wipe my intelligence down to a reasonable level I can handle. intelligence is not always tangeble and useful... to me it feels like a massive ball of wisdom I can never use, because to prove each and every nuance in the scientific field would take every iota of life out of me. 
Transcribing my sistine chapel is just not worth it to me. 
live beautifully. completely selflessly. create beautiful experiences with people.
Create love, strength, connection. family. 
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