#he’s old and unhealthy and not going to make a perfect recovery

[saphirered]

I love your work and am desperate for more!

Could you do: Ashton’s “one that got away” shows up after being gone for a while. They are in their head but FCG talks them into meeting their ex.

Possible angst turned spice?

I have an unhealthy love for Ashton.

I've been having soooo much trouble writing this and I don't know why 😭 but I finished it. I think I might be experiencing a C3 block and I'm not happy about it. I might go back and just rewrite the whole thing at some point but it's a fic!

Ashton had been on edge the moment they set foot in Bassuras. Not because they might face the manifold of dangers this trash city holds because they don’t have a reason to fear. Okay… Not entirely true. There’s one danger they fear. You. Ashton isn’t really sure you left on good terms. You had a thing. Then you got into an altercation the day before their accident and Ashton never returned. Undoubtedly you’d have heard it went to hell, spoke to some of the old crew who would have told you. In their defence you never came looking either. In your defence, as far as Ashton’s pervious crew’d known, he’s dead so why would you come looking? It’s all a jumbled awkward mess and the question wether you’d be putting a knife in their back or welcome them with curses and pleasant greetings were more in favour of the knife, or so they tried to tell themself. You make a perfect pair; always running from something. Even each other. Until you can’t escape it anymore. 

So when Ashton was showing the squad around, getting them familiar with all the secrets of the city, or at least those notable enough to remember outside of a drunken stupor, he did not expect to see you. Least of all at the Seat of Disdain getting quite close and familiar with a yellow cloaked individual. Gotta admit it was quite a thing to see you with your tongue down another person’s throat and he wouldn’t call himself the jealous type, didn’t think it would sting after this long but it does. Ashton had grown silent and the others caught on so a quick recovery was necessary to avoid suspicion and questions from his companions. Their heart sank when they saw your smile when you pulled away. Ashton remembers that look well. The ghost of your touch lingers on his cheek when you reach out to the stupid Paragon’s guard cheek and stroke your fingers along it. Their lips tingle when you press them against the guard’s one last time, and while holding the other hand, step backwards with a playful look that promises more upon reunion, before your fingers untangle and drop. You turn on your heels and walk away. Ashton quickly rushes along his friends into the opposite direction even when ice runs through their veins and a fire grows in the pit of their stomach. All questions are ignored. 

Then comes the matter of housing. Dingy taverns and inns only, places to lay low. Plenty of them around but some safer than others. Bells Hells had settled down in a tavern enjoying some shitty drinks because it’s been a rough day. Finally a moment of peace but peace does not last long. Ashton shrinks in, lets their shoulders drop and bends closer to the table huddled up together, as if not to stand out. 

“Something wrong, Ashton?” Letters is quick to note. All attention is diverted toward them. 

“No.” Short and direct would have been enough for FCG but not for the others because Laudna laces her fingers together. and leans her chin atop with a frightening smile. 

“Did you see some old enemies? Are we going to get into a bar fight? I do love a good show. The place would be the perfect scenery for it. We’d definitely draw the attention of the Call then.” The woman speaks gleefully but Imogen is quick to pat her shoulder and tell her to quiet down a bit before others hear and of course Laudna is quick to oblige to the sorceress’ suggestion. Though that doesn’t mean the attention is away from Ashton. FCG is nothing if not the perfect little therapist. It just so happens that the automaton notices the direction they’re looking every few seconds, eyes always falling back to a particular individual by the bar. 

“Should we be worried?” They ask, noting the yellow cloak draped across your shoulders as you take a seat, call for a drink and some questionable food. Both are served to you at the mere presence of the cloak and you seem to make no move to pay. In all account Letters takes you for exactly what you present; a member of the Call and that sets off some alarm bells. 

“No. But I Probably shouldn’t stick around long just in case?” 

“An old friend of yours then?” Ashton snorts in response. 

“You know what? Sure. Let’s go with that one.” He grumbles into his cup downing the contents. 

“Oh, I smell a cross lover. Didn’t end on good terms?” Chetney grins every bit as wolfish as expected from a werewolf. 

“Can we stop with the fucking interrogation?” Ashton shuts them down and so they do veering the conversation elsewhere. This is a touchy subject and they got the memo no is not the time to pry. But Letters, Letters is the exception here.

“Maybe you should go talk to them?” Grass suggests. 

“If I want my fucking face to get punched in, sure. Let me go say hi.” 

“You’re using sarcasm to deflect. If you’d just tell me what happened between you then maybe I can help because you’re upset and you know I don’t like it when people are upset so let me help you, please?” That just makes him feel guilty for lashing out a little. Grass isn’t deserving of their anger with themself. 

“Fine. Before I took the job, we had a thing. Then you know what happened. I never came back. Disappeared and never looked back. They moved on with their life and so did I.”

“Did you love them?” Silence is answer enough. “Did they love you?” Silence again but thoughtful this time. Did you love him? You’d said it plenty of times, showed it too. Would you still think that way now after this long? You look as well off as a fellow scoundrel can be. 

“I don’t know, Letters. I don’t know. It’s been a long time.”

“Then why not talk to them? What have you got to lose? Either you get answers, get to explain what happened, and closure or they’ll never know the truth, and be left wandering, or for a bomb to blow once you run into each other.” The automaton’s got a point there. It does sound tempting but then again, should they really rip open old wounds? Is it really worth it to see you upset, or worse at the mere sight of them? Ashton’s already done you more than enough harm. But that’s not his choice to make, is it? You deserve the truth, the whole truth because all this time he’s wondered what became of you, what you were unto, if you were alright but never had the guts to get close to your life again. If you share but a fraction of those feelings, then perhaps you have wondered too. Ashton doesn’t give another answer and the implied silence is enough; they’ll think about it. It takes more thought. FCG is perceptive enough to tell this will fester and Ashton will be likely to excuse themself from the group to seek you out. 

————

The night goes on and you’re enjoying your drink, given something less shit than the rest of this place it seems. You converse with the barkeep casually about nothing at all. Even now Ashton can call out your voice among the masses, hone in on it. One by one the others head to bed. They’re the last, for now, trying to muster up the courage, still stuck halfway between calling this course of action fucking mental and whatever sliver of positivity their mind can latch onto. The decision is about to be made for him. You rise from the bar stool, toss a coin at the barkeep in thanks and turn on your heels. For a brief second you falter. For a brief second your eyes fall upon the genasi but just as quick they leave and you make way for the exit as if you hadn’t seen them at all. In a moment of stupidity or courage, Ashton doesn’t know as the two often overlap, they get to their feet and chase after you. 

“Hey.” He tries to get your attention picking up pace a little but you keep going.

“Hey!” This time much closer Ashton half anticipated what was coming but that doesn’t deflect the pain he feels next. A fist clashes with his face, and knocks him back a step or two, leaving the taste of iron on his tongue. With a groan they hold their jaw, where the force impacted. 

“Hey? Hey?! That’s what you fucking say to me after playing dead for years? Fucking hell, Ashton!” You go in for another punch but they manage to avoid that one. 

“What the fuck do you want me to say? ‘Surprise, I’m not fucking dead!’? Gods I forgot you could pack a punch.” He spits some blood to the side and wipes his mouth recomposing and bravely facing your glare as you cross your arms. 

“I suppose that’s fair enough.” You grumbled. What is someone supposed to say in a case like this? It’s all kinds of fucked up. “Now what the hell do you want?” You try to keep up the facade of anger but in reality, all you can think about is how you want to pull them into your embrace, and be happy they’re standing here in front of you. 

“I wanted to say hi but fucking hello isn’t good enough apparently so fuck you too.” There’s a smile in his voice that you fight not to mimic. 

“This is why you get punched in the face, Ashton. Your attitude.” And so you lose the fight to that smile, the corner of your lips turn upward and something within their chest just sparks alight be that relief or some kind of happiness.

“I fucking missed this.” They admit. The tension beginning to alleviate. “I missed you.” It slipped out before Ashton could correct it but with the look you give, the one so akin to what he knew from you, that loving acceptance of the rough life the both of you had, it feels so familiar yet so far out of reach when their memory falls to you this afternoon at the fortress, when that yellow cloak of yours blows in the wind. 

“I missed you too.” You admit. You take a tentative step forward. 

“You probably shouldn’t-“ You’ve already wrapped your arms around them and pulled yourself closer. Ashton doesn’t refuse your embrace for it isn’t unwanted but he wants nothing more than to tear that yellow fabric to shreds right now. “We’ve got some matters with the Call and I don’t want to put you in any danger by being seen close to us.” 

“If you think I’d have lowered myself to the likes of the Call, you’re dead wrong. It’s just business. So if you need an in, I might be able to help.” That would have been really fucking helpful for the rodent break-in but he’s not about to share that yet. That’s the last thing on their mind right now. This is about you. 

“So when I saw you this afternoon-“ 

“You should know how I kiss my lovers versus how I kiss my advantages or have I become that good of an actor? Need I remind you?” Ashton shakes their head. Unbelievable. Yet you speak true. So like Letters keeps telling them; if you feel like you can’t believe something you know to be true, then maybe your mind just doesn’t want to come to terms with that truth for better or worse. There might be some truth to those words. You pull back enough to look at them and let your hands clasp both sides of their face and in that very moment all the worries of the world fall away. 

“I don’t know?” Ashton tries to wrap his head around this all. Why aren’t you upset? Sure you threw a punch that might even bruise their skin but holy shit and you seem to catch up on these inner questions. 

“Ashton, you were dead until today. I’m not saying let’s go back as if things never happened. I’m saying we can talk this out, if you’re open to it because I’m willing to listen.” Letters was right. Maybe things can be solved by talking. Perhaps he shouldn’t tell FCG this works because it might set a precedent but he’s thankful no less. “Now that doesn’t mean you’ll get off scat free for what you say and I might still be throwing a punch or two so be careful.” You smile and they know you’re only half joking. 

“You know you’re fucking amazing, right?”

“The fucking best.” 

#critical role x reader #bells hells x reader #ashton greymoore x reader #ashton x reader #critrole x reader #critical role #critical role fanfic #critical role fanfiction #critical role imagine #bells hells #ashton greymoore

[skulduggery-pleasant-bp9]

Part 5 – A bit of Background to Erskin

WARNING!: Mention of suicide, Mentally unhealthy and emotionally unstable Reader, Cursing, mention of murder/killing, AND MORE ! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED !!!

Read THIS to understand why the reader has a name !

Our faforite subject...DRAMA.

After they finished eating, Valkyrie and Vile finished their round of eyes of Kali, then got Melancholia clothes for later to put on and played with Erskin drinking Ludo, without shot glasses of course. They didn’t plan to get drunk after all.

After two more hours, Melancholia suddenly started to wake up. Lord Vile grumbled and hissed in pain as he made the flesh melt away and became a skeleton in the armor again. He stood up and towered over Melancholia. Soon enough she opened her eyes and when she saw Vile tower over her, her eyes grew wide, freezing in fear.

She spotted Valkyrie and Erskin too and she tried to throw shadows at them, but nothing happened.

“W-what ? No ! Where…?!”, she yelled in fear and confusion.

Vile lifted the blanket and took a look at Melancholia’s body again, to make sure no more carvings were left behind or returning.

“Fight me and I might get forceful, Miss Clair. You haven’t seen me be forceful yet.”, Lord Vile threatened darkly.

She froze up and looked at the three of them.

“What the hell did you do to me ?!”, she yelled in horror.

“We removed your carvings from your body. It would have killed you at some point. You were too unstable to be a Death Bringer and the sigils made it just worse. Now let me make sure nothing stayed behind. Otherwise I will get forceful.”, Vile explained.

“WHAT ?! I was PERFECT !”, she yelled.

“You were a lost cause.”, Lord Vile replied and checked her arms.

“I wasn’t !”, she protested.

“You were working like a broken battery. When you used too much of your abilities you discharged and were in immense, unnecessary pain and when you recharged you felt a wave hit you, but it would discharge very quickly as soon as you used it. It is like a battery that is broken and can’t be fixed. It discharges randomly and when it is used too often. You would have exploded and never been able to open the Passage.”, Lord Vile disagreed.

“I was WORKING on it !”

“You CAN’T work on it. A real Death Bringer doesn’t have such issues in the first place. I would know. I AM the Death Bringer after all. I just refuse to do what these idiots of Necromancers want from me. The Passage isn’t all that great. Nothing would change. No one would envelop to better or worse. We would be stuck forever on the same page. No one would be able to have a family of their own. Nothing new would happen. It would get boring really quickly. It. Is. Not. WORTH. It.”

Melancholia fell silent at that. She never thought about those things before.

“I suggest for you to go see Kenspeckle and a Sensitive for a while. You need emotional and mental recovery. You might have seen Craven only doing what was best for you, but he did sadistic, forbidden, criminal things to you and your mental and emotional state needs help to recover from all the trauma. You hear me, child ?”, Lord Vile asked.

Melancholia looked at him and nodded.

“Not a word about Skulduggery and me to anyone. We plan to tell everyone when the time comes. You understand ?”

She nodded again.

“Good. Then I will leave you now and Skulduggery can take back over. Until we meet again, Valkyrie, Erskin.”

“Bye Vile.”, Valkyrie said.

“Goodbye you old sock.”, Erskin joked.

Lord Vile snorted and let the armor melt away. The skull fell forward and after the armor was gone, it rose again. Skulduggery came back and looked at the three of them.

“I am pretty surprised that he kept his word…”, he then said.

Erskin scoffed.

“I am pretty surprised as well, that he let you go again. He is way more decent than you.”, he said and then left the room.

“That was a poor choice of words Skul. You know how protective Erskin is over Lord Vile. And I can see why. He was very nice actually. Just like you were when we met the first time.”, Valkyrie informed.

“It could all be show.”, he denied.

“Like you pretend all the time that you are fine, since the Faceless Ones ?”

Skulduggery stayed silent at that. She gave him a glare. He sighed and looked away.

“Fine I will shut up about it. Now what of our guest ?”

“As Vile said, to Kenspeckle’s. He might be able to help her a bit to recover.”

“What about Erskin ? Will he come as well ?”

“I will ask him.”

With that she left the room, going to Erskin’s. She knocked and then entered his room. He looked at an old picture with a grim face.

“Hey…”, she said softly.

“What do you need ?”, he grunted.

“Do you want to come with us ? We are bringing Mel to Kenspeckle.”

“No thank you. I don’t want to listen to Mr. Perfect and his complains about his counterpart any more than I already have to. I think I rather kill myself.”

She frowned and was silent for a bit.

“Are you that mad at him ?”, she asked.

“Sometimes, I wish I never missed him when he died. He was always so collected and ready to rescue others. But since that day…the day his Family died, he died and came back…he is different. He became irresponsible and uncaring. He just lets everything go with a shrug of his shoulders. When he was alive, he would have scolded you and me on a daily basis. Like, we can’t just kill someone, never judge a book by its cover, everyone deserves a second chance, just because they were bad at the beginning doesn’t that mean that they can’t change, don’t attack people as long as they don’t start a fight with you, don’t run head first into danger and all that shit. He would have scolded us like a Dad. It all went missing when he came back.”

She stared at him with wide eyes. Erskin let tears slip when he said all of that.

“It was one of the many reasons I looked up to him and saw him close to a Father figure. He taught me cause and consequence, strategy, when to act and when to let it go, what was right and what was wrong. He tried to keep all of us safe. Where did HE go ?”

“So he…didn’t go back to at least a bit of normal ?”, she asked.

“No. He didn’t. When he came back, I hoped that he would…you know…be at least still 50% of the man I used to know and partly grow up with…But there wasn’t even 20% of him left. I don’t know how the others see it, but I see it as clear as crystal. It is night and day to me. He tried to keep me away from the war, you know ? He didn’t want me to join. I did anyways and he was very unhappy with me, told me I had no idea what I will have to see…naïve as I was, I told him that I knew. I thought I could deal with it all. He was right…I had no clue and I was left traumatized.”

They didn’t know, but Skulduggery listened in on them. He just stood near the slightly ajar door, listening, not moving.

“Were you hoping he would replace his kid with you ?”, she asked Erskin.

“God no ! I wasn’t even hoping to be adopted. But…I guess he partly did ? He was the one who took me everywhere with the others and himself alone, he taught me a lot on his own…I did feel like he adopted me at some point. I don’t think he noticed that though. It was war and he always stuck together with the people that were on the same side as him. I think it was normal for him. But as a 16 year old that never had loving nor caring parents, it was a big thing to have someone suddenly care.”, Erskin chuckled saddened.

“Your parents never loved you ?”, she asked.

“No. My Mother was an abusive, manipulative whore and I never met my Father. I have no idea who he was, nor do I have a name. My Stepfather was very abusive too. One of the many things that made me run away with ten years of age.”

There was a silence and Erskin sighed shakily.

“I was practically in the world of Mages in infant age. I was still considered a ‘Baby’ as I joined. I thought I couldn’t see more horror than the shit I was already forced to face, since I was three years old, from my own Mother. Skulduggery warned me. Told me I was practically still a Baby and that I shouldn’t be joining a war with that age. But I really wanted to help and I saw no value in just sitting around and doing nothing. He helped me with my abilities a lot, so I can control them very quickly and got way more powerful than a 16 year old was supposed to get. But I really needed it in the end.”

“Was he against a lot when he taught and trained you ?”

“Yep, he was. I was not allowed to drink, not allowed to stay awake as long as the rest of them, was not allowed to keep watch at night, was not allowed to be alone on the field, nor was I allowed to leave the camp without anyone with me. He was also against me knowing how to handle a gun, but Vex and Hopeless talked him into it, for my own safety.”

“Wow…very responsible of him.”

“Yeah. It was annoying back then to me, but…it felt nice to finally have someone that looked after you… My Mother didn’t give a shit, she never checked on me and my Stepfather kept me awake all night or tore me out of bed in the middle of the night. It was…the first time someone cared a bit about my health.”, Erskin said softly.

“Let me guess, when they got angry you called them by their last name, in fear they would hurt you.”

Erskin shook his head.

“Not quite. When they were angry, I wasn’t allowed to call them Mother, Father or by their first names. It was always Mister and Misses. I was to only address them by their last name when there was more than one person in the room, or strangers. I was not allowed to utter a word of their abuse or I would get it tenfold worse. I was not allowed to ask for help to get me out. I was not permitted to let anyone know that they were my parents. I was nothing more but a butler. Not even that was right, but they couldn’t say that I was a slave.”

Valkyrie covered her mouth in horror.

“Your own Mother treated you like that ?”, she asked in horror.

“I was never wanted by her. Because I was unwanted, but still born, she wanted me to make it up to her. To show her I was worth her time. I never reached it, though. Even if I did everything right, she was never proud. If you thought I got once in my life a hug or a small praise from her, you are deadly wrong. I was always the useless, waste of space and time child.”

“Did really no one ever love you ?”, she asked.

Silence.

“I…I had an Uncle. He barely came to visit, but he did care, I guess… He never really showed it, but he knew about the abuse and when he was around, he made sure nothing happened to me the whole day. He helped me around too. But…I had no idea where he lived, so I stayed a stray kid.”

“Did you ever have a birthday with him ?”

“No…When my Birthdays came around in that house, I got more abused than usual as a present…A constant reminder that I am nothing but unwanted. Well…besides that ONE last birthday in that house…I had a gift on my bed… It had no name on it, so I don’t know if it was from my Uncle.”

“What was in it ?”, she asked.

He gave a sad smile.

“An animal plushie. It was handmade too. I hid it away from them, never had time to play with it, but I loved it all the same. When I ran away, I took it with myself and used it as a small comfort. I lost it one day and never found it again, sadly.”

“Did the Dead Men ever celebrate your Birthday ?”, she asked him.

“Well…yes and no. I never told them my Birthday. I hated my Birthday. They celebrated it though, just on a different date. The day I joined the Dead Men unofficially, was the day they decided would my Birthday be. We barely had time in the war to do much for one another’s big day, but we tried.”

“Who wanted to give you a Birthday party ?”

Erskin laughed softly and wiped his tears away.

“Saracen, Vex and Ghastly to be honest. They annoyed Skulduggery until he agreed. They only insisted on it, because I was still so young. It was war and there was a high possibility that every day and Birthday could be my last, so they wanted to make every day and Birthday as great as possible.”

“What did you get ?”

“Mostly clothes from Ghastly, weird stuff from Vex, Saracen always tried to get me stuff that could help me in the future, Anton gave me a hug and a card most of the times which is a lot from him he doesn’t like hugs, Hopeless got me new ammo and once or twice also knives and daggers, Erskine got fancy looking stuff for me and Skulduggery, when he was alive, always tried to bake a cake for me. When he died and Larrikin was with us in the mud, he always tried to get a pastry and give it as a cake. He was very sweet and nice. Such a goofball.”, he chuckled.

“Mud ?”

“I call the difficult war times, mud. We had to mostly hide in mud and stuff, so yeah.”

“Oh…”

She then looked at Erskin again.

“Then when did you join the Temple of Necromancers ?”

“Well…I stayed a few more days maybe two months longer with them after Skulduggery’s return, and then I went to Ghastly’s Mother. I needed advice of what to do and that I thought I was going crazy. I saw spirits…Even Skul’s, when he wasn’t back.”

“Really ?”

“Yeah. She said it is a Necromancy trait and I should learn some of it. It might help me in the future and so I did. I went to the Temple and they took me in and educated me. Vile came two months later. I was just like him, a fast learner and we quickly were equally powerful, but he easily overpowered me at some point. I tried really hard to make friends with that idiot and nothing was for naught.”

“But one day they kicked you out.”

“Yes… Lord Vile told me what he was planning to do and I wanted to be a part of it, to get revenge on Serpine. But they figured it out and threw me out two months too early. Vile taught me everything he still learned before he, himself, dropped out and went onto the battlefield. I returned to my siblings and the Dead Men then.”

“You had siblings ?”

“Yes. Two males and one female. They are not worth mentioning though.”

“When did they join ?”

“Fifty years after I joined the war. I wish they never did.”

“Because they died and you were sad ?”

“No. Why would I be sad with traitors that Vile warned me about ?”, Erskin scoffed.

She stared at him in shock as he said that they were traitors. Skulduggery was in disbelief.

“What…?”

“I told you, rats were hard to detect. All three of them were rats.”

“So they worked for Mevolent ?”

“Oh you wish they did. They worked for our dear, beloved, abusive, good for nothing Mother.”, he spat out.

Her eyes went even wider at that.

“She knew you were still alive ?!”

“Of course she did. There was never a body. To be honest, I didn’t think she would care to look for me. But she only did to kill me anyways and she failed very much in that.”, he chuckled darkly.

“Tenebrae did mention that you are hard to kill.”

“Ah, yes. He did that slimy Bitch. He can curl up and die in a corner of his fucking Temple for all I care. He could choke on a stick right in front of me and I would laugh.”

“How did Vile find out about your Mother and your siblings trying to kill you ?”

“She wanted to use him as a tool for her own shit and told him everything, because she thought she had him under her spell. Sucks to suck for her.”, he said laughing.

It only gave Valkyrie more questions, but she didn’t dare to ask them. She could push him into silence again. Erskin looked back at the picture in his hands.

“I am thinking about burning it.”, he informed her.

“May I see it ?”, she asked.

He gave it to her. When she looked at it she saw Ghastly instantly, Anton too, his face was obvious, Vex’s smile was easy to recognize, Erskine had almost the same hairstyle too, Saracen was in between a man Valkyrie never saw before and Dexter Vex. The man didn’t really smile but also didn’t frown. Erskin almost seemed to look the same in that picture. Only the clothes were different.  And then there was another man she never saw before, he had a warm smile while he looked at Ghastly and Erskin. Ghastly had put his arm around Erskin and pulled him close, which made the boy smile brightly.

“Who are these two people ?”, she asked and pointed at the two men she never saw before.

“The one that tried very hard to smile is Hopeless. He never could smile on command, just as Anton. The other one was Skulduggery when he was alive.”, Erskin told her.

Her mouth fell open and if she would have been a cartoon character, her jaw would have been on the floor. Then she snapped her eyes back at Erskin.

“Why would you burn that ? You all are so happy and it is the last memory where Skul was alive and well !”

“Exactly. A constant reminder, that he once WAS that man and that he NEVER will be that man AGAIN. Why cling onto such a silly memory ?”, Erskin asked her.

“Erskin, you aren’t thinking straight. You are mad at Skulduggery and I understand why, but you don’t have to destroy memories that you valued so much, only to later most possibly regret it.”

“I am not MAD at him ! I am still GRIEVING over someone WHO DIED A LONG TIME AGO ! Sure I am mad for a second when he talks bad about Vile, but he doesn’t KNOW the truth YET, so I understand why he acts like this ! I am grieving EVERY FUCKING DAY, since he DIED, the person that I looked UP TO ! This fucking photo is a constant reminder of WHO THE HELL I LOST THAT DAY ! HOW MUCH I LOST THIS PERSON ! It is a constant scar that gets ripped open again and again ! A constant reminder that I FAILED TO SAVE HIM ! I WAS TOO LATE ! I FUCKED UP !”, he yelled at Valkyrie with new tears in his eyes.

“That you were…too late ?”

“I had the antidote ! I made Anton, Dexter and Ghastly help me as fast as possible and I went on a hunt to find him ! I didn’t tell them why I hurried so much, nor what the potion was for ! When I had his location and the antidote, I hurried as fast as I could, but I came 20 fucking seconds too late !”

Silence.

“You knew about the trap ?”, she asked him.

“No. But I was there as well. I saw him running off and leaving us behind. It seemed like he was chasing someone and I followed. I…I never saw him so rageful before…It scared the shit out of me, Valkyrie. You never saw him THAT pissed off.”

“You saw Serpine kill his family and you didn’t do anything ?”

“Val, I was a Teenager ! Not even, I was a kid ! It was the first time I saw Serpine do that, I was frozen in utter horror ! I wanted to move, I wanted to shoot him ! But my body wouldn’t move ! I had no idea how to get out of that situation ! I could just stand there and watch !”

“You saw it all…”

Erskin looked away from her.

“It was all my fault. I will NOT deny that. I know for a fact when Skulduggery finds this out, he will never want to see me again, if he doesn’t consider killing me already. I was there, I could have done something, and I couldn’t fucking move to do anything. And I messed up my last chance by 20 seconds. All of the Dead Men knew, on the day Skul was burned, what I was trying to do. They all did. God…I couldn’t look them in the eyes for years, after my failure. All I wanted was to stop existing.”

She didn’t say anything. Skulduggery was in utter shock and Erskin was hugging himself tightly.

“I really tried to make up for it… I just…how do you fix something like this ? I practically HELPED to kill his Family, without meaning to ! Ghastly found out about all of that with Anton. They told me for years that it wasn’t my fault that I froze up, that they would have too, but-but what if they were lying to me all along ?! God they must have been disappointed with me ! Do you have any idea how many times Ghastly and Anton told me to just tell Skulduggery already ?! That he would understand ?! At first I believed them, I really did, but when he came back and was so hell bent to kill Serpine for revenge, I backed out ! I couldn’t tell him ! How would I have explained that ?! As soon as you mentioned his family, he would have pulled the trigger on you ! How was I supposed to explain ?! He would NEVER forgive me, nor would he want to make the effort to understand ! This was his FAMILY ! Not just some random people ! He…he would never want to see me again.”

“Hey, hey…calm down. I think the same as Ghastly and Anton. He would understand. He would need time to get around it and to process that information, but he would understand.”, she tried to soothe Erskin.

He shook his head wildly.

“He wouldn’t. He wouldn’t ! All his rage would return and I would be so fucking destroyed to have all his anger thrown at me ! I can’t see that rage again, Valkyrie ! It scarred me the first time and it scares me since ! Ghastly and Vex know how emotionally sensitive and unstable I am ! Skulduggery doesn’t know that. If he would shout at me again, like he did three weeks ago, I might have a breakdown and NEVER recover from it !”

“Did you…have a breakdown once before ?”, she asked.

He looked away.

“Ask Anton, Ghastly, Dexter and Erskine. I…I need to sleep right now…I’m over thinking again and it will cause me a panic attack. Have fun with Kenspeckle and Melancholia and get home safely….Maybe I will see you tomorrow… Or next time something serious is going on. I-I need a break.”

“What about the picture ?”, she asked.

“If you don’t want me to destroy it, then keep it. I…I will ask for it when I want it back…”

‘Spying is rude, Skulduggery.’, Vile tutted in his head.

‘Shut it. You knew this, didn’t you ?’

While he talked with Vile in his mind he silently left the hallway and went back to the living room, watching Melancholia sit on the couch, dressed in the clothes Vile and Valkyrie picked for her to wear. They fit her perfectly.

‘Of course I did. He told me everything after he knew that I was NOTHING like you.’

‘He is scared of me.’

‘No. He is not scared of YOU. He is scared of YOUR RAGE. He just doesn’t show it. That’s why he is always so blunt with everything and is quickly angry. You are not the man he used to know. Who he needed in the war. That man died, didn’t he, Skulduggery Pleasant ? That man died when his Son died. Am I right ?’

‘I don’t think I changed that much after death.’

‘You acted way more like a Father when you were alive. You scolded Erskin, like he was a kid. You fed him, protected him, cared for his wounds, cared for him in general…you treated him like your own kid. He grew to like you as a father figure, something he never had before. You even bothered to celebrate a birthday just for him. No one else ever did that for him before. I would almost bet that he didn’t just see you as a father FIGURE, but as a real Dad. And then you were snatched away from him. He wanted to help you, pay your kindness back in saving you, but he was too late. When you came back, you were cold, distant, ignorant and just not who you used to be anymore. You didn’t CARE anymore. Since that day…Erskin blamed himself for everything that went wrong.’

‘I wasn’t cold at all. I needed time to process-‘

‘Stop lying to yourself. You didn’t process ANYTHING. As soon as you came back, all you cared about was killing. You forgot about Erskin. You forgot that he was only a child. You forgot that you were the ONLY one that had a very strong bond with him. You forgot EVERYTHING about yourself and Erskin’s relationship. It led him to a downfall, something you swore silently to yourself, you will never let happen. You didn’t see all the red flags, didn’t hear his cries of help and closure for you. You. Let. Him. DOWN.’

‘I didn’t let him down ! I-‘

‘He is scared of YOUR rage. He is scared to tell you something that was out of his control. He was scared to tell you about me and him knowing each other. He was scared to mention your family. He is scared to let you know anything, that could trigger your anger. He wasn’t scared in the past. He told you everything that was on his mind and was necessary, when you were still alive. He would have told you about me, if you would have been the same after death, but you came back totally changed. He would only tell you any secrets he has now when you were really six feet under. But not while you are still roaming around here. Your Rage was scarring to witness and he saw it. It destroyed him mentally and emotionally. And after you came back, you didn’t bother to talk to him much. Everyone saw him suffering, but you didn’t care.’

Skulduggery was silent and looked back into the hallway where Erskin’s room was.

‘The special bond you two had is damaged and it gets worse each day. You were the one he looked up to and trusted you the most. You rarely got angry and that was one of the many reasons he talked to you so much. Now you are in constant rage. Don’t you remember how hard it was to get him to trust you in the first place ? I remember it clear as day.’

‘He barely talked, then he would never answer our questions about his past. He was a troubled kid and it took so long to get him to talk and to not pretend anymore. He was good in it. A real faker.’

‘Well, now he is even more skilled in it. He trusted me with a few things. I was less anger driven than you, but it wasn’t the same for him. He wanted to talk with YOU. He needed closure from YOU. Not from me. But you never saw how damaged he was and how he continued to crumble. And now…he hid away entirely from everyone. It is rare that he falls apart like that and reveals what he really feels at the moment. He thinks that you gave up on him, that he was a lost cause after all and you never tried assuring him that everything was okay. He feels used, betrayed and stupid for trusting someone…for hoping that after death when you returned you would still be there. He decided to take steps in directions he shouldn’t have and he had no one to guide him anymore.’

‘What did he do…?’

‘…How many times do you think he tried to commit suicide, Skulduggery ?’

At that Skulduggery froze in utter shock and horror. Erskin tried WHAT ?

Masterlist HERE !

#valkyrie cain #erskin is male!reader #male!reader #skulduggery pleasant #derek landy #read warnings above #not the canon au #Skulduggery Pleasant x Reader Universe

[tommiematthews]

4/11/22

4/11/22

So, I have sat down to continue writing my novel, but I cannot find the paper version that I have written so far, MORE FOOL ME. Instead of digging around the house and further putting off the fact that my goal of writing a novel by the time I was 30, has now finished, I am past the point of a young person’s goals. The new goal, is to write more, in hope that one day soon, I will have a story that to some degree, makes sense. The problem is, I have been trying to write it for 7 years, and I need the massacred tree versions of the manuscript in order to limit my procrastinating self, to scrolling up and down like a yo-yo. A yo-yo is a lame description, to stop myself going up and down like a person who has just discovered that they can sit on a coke can in quick repetitive squats and it brings joy and orgasms to their throbbing head. Lame again, but if I continue down this road, I will be back saying that like a yo-yo was the perfect cliché, and any sort of originality that I may muster, is usually sexualised and a bit much. But if the hat fits, then cum in it, or however it goes. I have been sick as a dog the past week, nearly admitted into hospital because my oxygen levels were 91% which I was told is not good. Any score above 50% in my opinion is good enough, but I suppose like my university assessments, only half the essay is functioning and its as though you passed out half way through the semester; BUT C’s get degrees motherfucker. At this point in time, I am very much close to getting my degree, only one subject left and if I may say so myself, I have fookin’ chanced it lad. Found the complete knifes edge of doing the bare minimum and although my degree may not have the quality score as others, the ink will dry the same on that glistening laminated paper. After all, I am thirty, I dropped out of school 15 years ago, and after much fucking around, I will be university educated; which is mainly knowing as little as anyone else, but maybe how to operate a computer and submit bullshit. Or maybe that’s just the tradespersons chip on his shoulder viewpoint. As I’m writing this, my dog is sitting next to me, he, unfortunately, has just had his knackers off. We were assured he would need 2 weeks recovery, housebound and monitored for depression and in case he goes walk-about trying to find the ball...s. but he has awoken as chipper as ever, hating his cone, which really concerns me as he may not be from my seed, because I indeed, love a cone. I would love one now, but responsibilities restrict me from the daily want to get drunk and high. I guess that’s why I love old writers, Jim Harrison, Anthony Bourdain and William Burroughs, it’s their lack of a need to drive. The only thing that stops me from drinking and drugging every day is the need to drive to work, so I don’t go bankrupt. Writing it out like that, I appear to be a very sensible and restrained man, as I hope that others, such as the ones I idolise, are like me and what to be tipsy every day. Although in my current asthma and chest infection, a joint or a cigarette may just put me away to an early grape, I apologise, I was thinking about vapes. We are living in the future, we smoke through computers, we listen to music from headphones with no chords and we surf in ponds that create perfect waves. If it wasn’t for inflation, capitalistic demands and an unhealthy relationship with technology and social media, we would be living it up boys, LIVING IT UP. My daily journal used to be a nice creative way to write without the need of the intensity of working on my book. So, I think I’m going to start a blog, 2006 here we come, it’s a great way to exercise my bad grammar and I may take selfie of my asshole every day. If you follow, then follow. 

#Tommiesblog #Tommiesdiary #blog #blogdiary

[reiney-weather]

.

#hmm. #i don’t know how to say this exactly #I’m overjoyed that trump has gotten vivid #but i also see many people like? just casually wishing him death? #and yes he’s horrible and he hasn’t cared when 200000 fellow Americans died but #i just think... we all kind of need to take a collective breather #he’s old and unhealthy and not going to make a perfect recovery #he might just. die! #and i would definitely be lying if I said that doesn’t make me smile #he’s bad in every way but like #i don’t think it’s healthy to be wishing such terrible things to happen on a person #now don’t get me wrong I’m nowhere near being a trump supporter! #and i hate how he and the Republican Party are having a sudden change of heart #and if I had the power to stop him from dying I don’t think I would..... #but just #i think we need to remember that we’re wishing someone dies and that’s #Not great you know? #anyways uhm. I will probably lose followers for this #if you have any questions the askbox is open #and uhhh. yeah #raye rambles #politics // #trump // #covid // #i think I need to add #i haven’t lost anyone really close to me to covid? #so maybe i just. don’t know #sorry for posting this I’ve just seen too many things about it in my dash #vent #reiney weather goes insane

[wtfgaylittlezooid]

I’ve lost to temptation so here it is

My interpretation of magolor lets fucking go

So first section: How this bitch works

So Magolor is from Halcandria, a planet who’s core is essentially magic. There’s so much magic on this single planet that it leaked into the life and even some objects that could contain it. Magolor is no exception. Magic energy is essentially stored in a second heart (tho it’s more of a container than a heart), and runs through the body very similar to blood. It’s created and flows through his body, and allows for things like his eye glow, floating, and obviously powers. When he’s asleep, it regenerates. If there’s already enough magic energy while he’s asleep, it disposes of the old magic mostly by floating in sleep or by more severe means like insomnia aka magical overdose (which I’ve gone over before).

Next, is the glowing eyes!! Why he have that, I’ll tell ya. It makes it easier to detect other halcandrians as well as make it easier to detect light such as fire. Which is very useful when you need to look through ashy clouds and make sure a giant rock isn’t about to slam into you from above. It’s also a way to show the health of a halcandrian. Though the eyes glow yellow, they have a brown color very similar to their fur. If they’re sick or very unhealthy, they lose their glow and it slowly reverts to the brown color.

As a side effect of the master crown though, Magolor’s magic energy got boosted by the crown so he didn’t just die instantly by overwhelming power. It sounds like a good thing on paper, having so much energy to the point where he can fight non stop without getting tired magically, but magic overdose due to him not being able to deplete enough of it fast enough is a bitch. He gets sick a lot easier, bad insomnia, as well as occasionally using magic without realizing. So this clears out how he works and shit!! Now onto...

Before RTDL

So before RTDL Magolor had little social skills or experience with interacting with other people that wasnt lying to them to get them to do stuff. It was just how Halcandria worked. People kept to themselves and if you needed help you’d have to twist the truth in order to convince them. Relationships of any kind are very rare in Halcandria as well.

So when he met Marx, it was weird. He originally planned to let him stay until he got better and told him about why he was found in a Nova’s wreckage, so he could hopefully get Marx to lead him to something else he could use to defeat Landia. It didn’t go as planned. Marx was an unpredictable dude who immeadiatly fell for Magolor (but mags didn’t notice cause he’s never experienced someone else crushing or a crush) and due to that Marx spent a lot of time with Magolor during recovery and grew on him. He also ended up showing Magolor what friendship was, and honestly: magolor liked it. He liked having someone around. It was a nice change, and it was nice to have someone around to help (and rarely give him affection). So, Magolor wanted Marx to rule the universe with him once he killed Landia. He didn’t want Marx to leave. Though things started going downhill when an accident happened one time while exploring and Magolor was distracted, leaving to Marx having to use Nova’s power to make sure Magolor was safe.

And Magolor was fascinated, and god he was excited. He pried Marx for questions about his wings, constantly stared at them when they were out, and started talking about if he and Marx used their combined powers they could finally kill Landia and get what they want. But Marx didn’t want to. His want for power by then left, and he knew the consequences. He was happy just hanging out with Mags, and didn’t want to risk his life fighting a dragon with a crown of infinite power. But Magolor, despite liking the change of company, was used to being a loner and believed he could do it again since he’s halcandrian. He said Marx could leave if he didn’t want to, and that was when Marx started to see just how desperate Magolor was for the Master Crown. It was all too similar to his own desperation with Nova, and all words were useless and failed to change Magolor’s mind. So Marx left, and Magolor continued. He felt a little bad (and lonely) but pushed it down and decided no turning back and opted to modifying the Starcutter more like a weapon and attacking Landia that way, but failing.

Though he had a backup plan, thanks to Marx. Which brings me to..

The Betrayal

So this is RTDL time, before the betrayal. His back up plan was going to the pink hero Marx ranted about and using them to get the crown. After all, if they could defeat someone with the gift of Nova’s power, they could defeat a wyvern with a crown. They landed, and Magolor met everyone, but he couldn’t stop thinking about a certain someone. Chilly, who volunteered to stay with him while the others collected the spheres and parts (tho it was because he was suspicious). Mags didn’t know this, and assumed he was being nice. So the second person who (he thought) was being friendly with him enough to stay with him, and fill that hole Marx accdientally left by leaving him. He couldn’t not get attatched. He became REALLY REALLY clingy, and did as much as he could to keep himself focused as well as make sure they were friends. It backfired, making Chilly agitated most of the time, but it also semi worked later on. Most of his time between the betrayal and his crash landing was spent monitoring everyone’s progress, and trying to get Chilly to like him so he could do what he had to do during the betrayal.

Now during the betrayal! The closer he got to achieving the crown again, the more desperate and ooc he got. By the time he was at Halcandria, there’d be no way to talk him out of it, since he was THIS close. But there was still one thing wrong that he assumed the crown would fix: he couldn’t go back to being alone. He assumed he would adjust, since that’s how it’s been for his whole life. But now, that he’s actually had two people really close to him (and one leave) that showed him affection and didn’t only use him like in Halcandria, he didn’t want to go back to being alone. He couldn’t. But he came too far to turn back, and continued anyway (not like he ever changed his mind, but he did have moments of doubt). He told Chilly to stay in the Starcutter, wanting to keep him safe, which obviously didn’t go well for him when Chilly responded with freezing the ship from the inside to stop Magolor from using it in its attacks.

And of course, when Magolor sees this, he has a moment of “oh shit I can’t let him do this. I can’t lose someone else.” And tries to convince Chilly to join him. He talks about the two of them ruling and even giving Chilly Popstar to rule. He means it. He wants someone with him, somebody that he genuinely loves and treats him like a friend. He assumed that if he didn’t force Chilly into working with him like Marx, he would join in the end. And like any person with common sense, Chilly denies, loyal to Kirby and Popstar. THIS was the moment Magolor became truly desperate, he tries to convince Chilly to join him but he can barely get any words other than “but you were only friend” out while crying (in the middle of battle lol). Kirby and everyone take this chance to attack, while Magolor is just kind of broken. He fucked up again.

And he’ll be alone.

He has one thing left now, and that’s the power to rule the universe.

And he’s desperate to have this one thing go right for him, and he uses the remaining power of the Master Crown... which brings me to the next topic!

The Master Crown

Full section for the master crown let’s go. It gets its dark power from a leader/creator of dark matter (think 0), and is sentient. It only knows to shroud the world in darkness, and will do whatever it takes to get it. It’s powers are held at bay by Landia, who is Halcandria’s guardian and can resist its powers due to being a magic guardian. Magolor however, isn’t a magic guardian, and can’t resist. To him, it’s a shiny piece of jewelry that’ll make him strong so things can finally go his way.

The way it works is by drawing people in, like a venus fly trap. It just amplify people’s interest in it, as well as bring out the more negative traits about them that makes them easier to control. The most common traits is desperation, impulsiveness, frustration, and determination. And once the crown is on their head, it locks on and is irremovable and works like a parasite, basically completely erasing whoever put it on and molding them to the perfect puppet. Magolor essentially just sped up the process completely by using the last of its power in a desperate attempt to get what he wanted.

After the Betrayal

Magolor, after the betrayal, is left just floating around Another Dimension. He’s exhausted, in a lot of pain, and completely magically drained. He couldn’t even float if he tried, and that uses the bare minimum of magic. He’s stuck here for a long time, and at first, he’s extremely frustrated and upset. He spends a lot of time replaying the events in his head (not magolor soul, he has no memories of that aside from snippets that come into his dreams that are partially due to the master crown’s lasting effect) and just getting more and more angry at everything. He was so close to having control over EVERYTHING, and he lost it over himself the second he used the rest of the power. He was infuriated that he manged to let that stupid puffball beat him, along with their friends.

He cries, screams, shouts, but it doesn’t matter. Rage can only last so long, and it’s not much before he’s just exhausted and tired. He’s given up on escaping, knowing he can’t. He cant form a dimensional portal strong enough to pull him out of a dimension. He only has the skill to use it for teleportation. After a few days, he’s accepted what happened, that this is his fate. He hates being alone, floating in space with no silly jester to crack a joke or scratch his head, and no snowman who’s bell jingled with an adorable tune whenever he laughed and even gave him hugs. He ends up getting habits of scratching his head (despite the pain because of master crown injuries) and hugging himself as a way to fill that hole the two left when leaving. He misses them, and starts to regret going after the crown in the first place. He comes up with scenarios in his head to pass the time as he basically waits for himself to rot. He imagines apologizing and having his friends back. He imagines Marx somehow finding him similar to how Magolor found him. He imagines not being alone, and being happy. Not plagued by agonizing exhaustion and self fury. He even comes to miss Kirby and their friend one he actually realizes the kindness they showed him, since he was too focused before to realize.

He spends a few days in the hell dimension before he finds something. He ends up finding an energy sphere that floats past that was lost during the battle. He grabs and clings to it, now having only one thing from before. It doesn’t make the loneliness any better, but it does make things a little less bareable. But of course, energy spheres are a sphere doomer’s favorite snack, and it doesn’t take long before one comes along really wanting it.

Magolor at first, pushes it away desperate to keep this one thing he had before, and the sphere doomer keeps coming back desperately wanting its food. Eventually, Magolor and the sphere doomer form a slight bond since this was when Magolor started slowly regaining magic again and tries attacking it with his revolution orbs, but it’s just a treat for the sphere doomer. The sphere doomer keeps coming back for more treats and another attempt at a snack, and Magolor feels a little less lonely. Over time, he actually gains enough of its trust to pet it and even talks to it. He names her Lor II.

Lor II is the reason he gets out of Another Dimension and back to Halcandria, via opening a rift. Lor II basically gives Magolor a second chance to make things right, and he immeadiatly takes it. Of course, he has to steal the Starcutter to do it, but he makes his way to Popstar to apologize, because he REALLY regrets his major fuck up and at the very least, he can make things better (and maybe get a chance at being less lonely).

So that’s all I got lmao hope you enjoyed

#kirby series #my hc #magolor #marxochilly #hope this is coherent

[starkerintheparker]

starker reclist - canon based fics

Hi Starker fam! To celebrate my 900 followers I decided to finally start posting my humble and very personal reclist. I’ve been planning to do it for a while now but it got way bigger than I anticipated so I decided to split it in 4 parts and will share the first one today. I’ve been around for less than a year and there’s a lot I haven’t read yet so my plan is to update this list as I go. 

Under the cut is part I, solely is dedicated to canon-based fics. I’m a sucker for angst so most of my recs feature guilty!Tony, miscommunication, porn with feels and all that jazz. Hopefully you’ll be able to find something interesting according to your preferences. Oh and don’t forget to leave kudos, comments and spread the love for these authors :) Cheers!

Last updated: 2020/04/18. All new fics added will be marked with ***

• 10 Ways to Woo Your Boo by @darker-soft-starker (NR, 6k, completed)

Summary: By twenty-one Peter Parker had graduated college, scored himself a post-grad job and was a full-fledged member of the Avengers. He had his own apartment, paid his own bills and juggled his time between being a superhero and working enough to cover his rent. So long as Peter was armed with his ID, he was a full-fledged adult in the eyes of the law. Perhaps foolishly, he’d assumed it would make him an adult in the eyes of everybody else too. Keen to be seen as worthy of Tony's heart, Peter enlists the help of his friends and the internet in courting his former mentor.

Review: We all love Ash’s fantastic AUs but this lovely canon-based fic may be one of my favorite works by her. I will never know how she manages the fine balance between angst, humor and romance, I just know it hits me good and takes my breath away. Oblivious!Tony and Peter being a bisexual disaster at wooing, what do you mean this wasn’t in the movies? Sounds canon to me.

• 100-Point Restoration by Destina (T, 8k, completed)

Summary: Tony needs a happiness upgrade; Peter wants Tony. These goals might be compatible. (This story is set roughly five years post-Homecoming).

Review: I just realized this was the first Starker fic I’ve read, and it was back in 2017! I didn’t ship Starker at the time but this author must have done something right because for some reason I couldn’t take my eyes away. This fic is gorgeous. Tony’s voice is amazing, his dynamics with Peter are spot-on and organic - but nothing’s better than watching their feelings unfold, like a soft and warm humming just awaiting for disclosure.

• adult supervision by doveslayer (M, 20k, on hiatus)

Summary: Peter Parker should not keep drunk-dialing Tony Stark after midnight. But more pressingly, Tony Stark should not keep answering. In which Tony tries to convince himself he's doing nothing wrong. warning: underage!Peter tho pretty vanilla imo                                                                                        

Review: My favorite “everything is happening while nothing is happening” fic. Their voices are spot on, the dialogues are clever, and you can almost touch the tension with your fingertips. It’s been a year since the last update but even if this fic never gets finished I promise the read will have been worthy!

• Attached by @paspleurer (E, 7k, completed)

Summary: Tony gets it, he really does. As far as rebounds go, sleeping with your childhood hero isn't half bad. And if what Peter wants is this— just sex, with no strings attached— then Tony will give him this.

Review: Pleurer and Learned Foot have seduced me with the rebound trope. This is a lovely Tony POV with the good old pining + miscommunication combo, plus enthusiastic sex and sweet domesticity. What else could I ask for?

• Covet by RTC anonymous (E, 34k, completed)

Summary: Peter has a new boyfriend. Tony starts drinking again, for unrelated reasons.

Review: I read this fic when I was still warily lurking around the Starker fandom and it blew me away. The sexual tension is so palpable you can almost taste it. There is jealous, guity Tony failing at mentoring and a vulnerable, smitten Peter Parker trying to make sense out of it. RTC anon is a religion.

• Ephemeron by @ramblings-from-elsinore (E)

Summary: "Being around Ned, Peter's reminded how out of place he is. For Ned, the second ever appearance of aliens over Manhattan is the stuff of excited hallway chatter, of where were you when—? Ned’s world wasn’t blown apart and stitched back together. Because Ned doesn’t remember. No one does, except the ones who were there, who fought." AKA, "Tony's relationship with Peter may be unconventional, but they’re unconventional people who have had some pretty fucking unconventional experiences." In which Tony can't stop touching Peter to make sure he's real, and Peter dreams of being in Tony's arms and not disappearing.

Review: I started reading this fic before I joined the fandom and man, what a way to get pulled into this ship. Brace yourself for hardcore guilty!Tony being all over the place plus unhealthy codependency and touch deprivation, all the good things. Reading this is a spiritual experience but fair warning: this is not a happy story, at least not for a long while, so please mind the tags.

• Expiration Date by @learned-foot​ (E, 12k, completed)

Summary: Tony knows exactly what this is. First big breakup, go for a fling with a completely inappropriate person. It’s basically a cliché. He kind of thought Peter was better than that, but apparently being brilliant and one of the bravest people on the face of the planet doesn’t mean he’s immune from being a stupid college student who makes stupid college student mistakes. AKA Tony is sure this is just a fling, and he deals with that about as well as you’d expect.

Review: Ahh my beloved rebound trope and my first rec (out of many) by LF! Between a pining, insecure Tony making all the wrong decisions and a young and confident Peter unwilling to let him go, this fic makes your heart ache in the best ways. Good thing LF only works with happy endings!

• From Thy Bounty by @ibby-writes​ and feyrelay (E, 31k, completed)

Summary: Tony’s eyes are always dark, but now there's almost no iris left. He looks hollowed out. There’s something terribly hungry there, despite the feast they've filled themselves on.

Review: I’ve lost count of how many times I reread this insanely hot and ridiculously well written fic. Besides the A+++ characterization, there is delicious food porn foreplay followed by a breathtaking cat and mouse game that culminates with no less than 13.5k of intense and unapologetic sex with feels, my favorite kind. Enjoy the meal! ;D

***Gift of Choice by tuesday (E, 12k, completed)

Summary: Tony Stark had a thing about giving Peter stuff.

Review: This is my favorite fic by tuesday and the PERFECT rendition of our beloved sugar daddy trope. Great pacing, amazing dialogues and a breathtaking build up that makes you both smile and sweat in anticipation. They’re so in love I almost can’t handle when they finally get together. Sexy, hot and very sweet.  

• here is my hand, my heart by belatrix (E, 16k, completed)

Summary: Mostly, Tony had tried not to look. He still does. Try, that is. It’s just― it’s getting a little bit harder every day.

Review: I have a HUGE soft spot for this beautiful masterpiece, because it was the fic that finally made me join the Starker fandom. I’ve reread it so many times and it never fails to amaze me. Through an atmospheric non-linear narrative, this shows a guilt-ridden Tony Stark trying and failing to resist one determined Peter Parker who won’t take bullshit for an answer. Hot, and angsty, and breathtaking.

• I know that you got Daddy Issues (And I do too) by feyrelay (E)

Summary: The one where Peter’s blue balls save the world. Because, yeah? That meandering, blooming thing between him and Mr. Stark? That relationship that continues to be maddeningly legal, platonic, and above-board, but still somehow haunts Peter’s wildest wet-dreams? That might just be the key to Strange’s endgame.

Review: This fic is a love letter to those who appreciate an angsty and nuanced slow burn like me. Possibly the best character study I’ve ever read combined with a clever, well researched and intricated plot. Reading this will make you fall even more in love with Tony and Peter as individuals, before wanting them to be better together. Make sure to also check all related fics under the tag DIEU (Daddy Issues Extended Universe) - the Starker verse we fucking deserve.

• if I am the river, you are the ocean by sadonsundays (E, 7k, completed)

Summary: The one where Tony can't sleep and Peter can't stop his hands from shaking.

Review: This is a gorgeous recovery fic, painful and heartbreaking, yes, but still very gentle as Tony and Peter’s relationship quietly unfolds. Pepper is an absolute treat which was refreshing to me. I just love the quiet and angsty undertone that guides their journey until they finally find home in each other.

if you’d grant my love a pardon by belatrix (M, 2.5k, completed)

Summary: The first time, it goes something like this: “No,” Tony says, but it’s tired, half-hearted, not quite a denial.

Review: One of the reasons why I love this ship is that there’s always room for angst, even when they’re already together. This lovely yet heartbreaking fic mirrors Tony’s fragile heart as he realizes that as much as he should, he just can’t let go of Peter, not quite yet. Belatrix writes guilty!Tony’s headspace like nobody else and I just can’t recommend her writing enough.

• in the light of a dying star by @areiton​ (M, 6k, completed) fix-it

Summary: Extremis isn't a guarantee. That's what Pepper told him, as they took him off the bloody, dusty field. It was just a chance. A desperate gamble.

Review: I’m so glad I read this right after Endgame because this is the fix-it Tony and we all deserved, this fic is so comforting and beautiful. I really love the quiet, ethereal atmosphere and how it shapes our perception of time and character development. Peter is beautifully written and their get together made my heart ache in peace.

• In the Morning by @cagestark​ (M, 6k, completed)

Summary: Peter's pretty stressed. He isn't understanding physics despite all the extra time he is spending with Bruce. And underneath it all, something is wrong with Mr. Stark.

Review: Heart wrenching and painfully honest fic, where Tony is a jealous mess and Peter is his usual earnest, sweet and good self. They meet in the middle, and it’s quiet, beautiful and sad.  

• Kiss Me by @ironspi​

Summary: Five times Peter and Tony almost kiss and one time they did.

Review: This fic was such a lovely surprise! It begins unpretentious and it builds up to quality pining and unresolved sexual tension. Chapter 4 is particularly awesome, so charged and intimate. Kudos to the author for exploring Peter taking the lead and making Tony melt in his arms.

• Landslide by spqr (M, 8k, completed) fix-it

Summary: Peter jumps into the quantum realm with his heart in his throat. He steps out in 2018, on the edge of a lake he still has nightmares about. A hundred yards away over the water, the lights in the lakehouse are on.

Review: Morally ambiguous characters + angsty time travel? Count me in. This fic has a very interesting (and darker) take on Peter post-Thanos, in his raw and desperate grief over Tony. Bonus points for amazing dialogues and a fix-it plot so clever and believable I’m surprised I didn’t see it on screen.  

• lean on me now by @areiton​ (G, 9k, on hiatus)

Summary: He’s so tired, and he hurts, the kind of screaming pain he’s struggling to ignore now, and he wants to go home. But he can do this. He can sit and watch, and keep them safe. A wry smile tugs at his lips because he knows how ridiculous that sounds--a kid keeping Avengers safe.

Review: One of the best canon divergence fics I’ve ever read. It’s quiet, angsty and Peter’s voice is simply amazing. My heart breaks for Tony, but I’m so here for Peter & Rhodey’s brOTP, the fandom deserves more of it.

• noticing by @areiton​ (NR, 2k, completed)

Summary: “You deserve to be happy,” Rhodey tells Tony once, when Tony is drinking and conflicted and Peter is sleeping unaware on the couch. Tony watches him, eyes bright.

Review: How could I ever resist seeing Tony and Peter’s relationship development through Rhodey’s protective and thoughtful gaze? Any Tony stan should read this fic because this is the kind of love, friendship and support he deserves. Reading this put my mind at rest, knowing Tony’s cared for, and safe.

• Obvious by @learned-foot​ (M, 14k, completed)

Summary: When Peter wakes up, several things become very clear all at once: he’s underground somewhere unpleasant, something is messing with his powers, and his entire body hurts. A lot.

Review: WHUMP WHUMP WHUMP *victory dance* god this one is brutal, but we can trust LF to bring on full angst with an intriguing plot and A+++ characterization. I’m so here for protective!Tony doing whatever it takes to keep Peter safe, including all the confusion and heartbreak his problematic decisions may bring.

• Permission by @cagestark​ (E, 16k, completed)

Summary: During drinks with the Avengers, Peter admits that he enjoys orgasms more when someone is giving him permission, though since he's single, there isn't anyone in his life to offer it. Generous Tony offers to offer it.

Review: This fic is unique and so very hot, but don’t let the smutty summary fool you. There is also tenderness and FEELS in capital letters. Despite their arrangement, pining!Tony is so vulnerable and so completely in love with Peter it kinda breaks my heart a little, but thankfully Cage is a big fan of happy endings like me, so we’re all safe in her hands.

***Post-Endgame NYE by @darker-soft-starker (M, completed)

Summary:  Five years after the events of endgame Tony is resurrected. Months after that, he's still trying to find equilibrium

Review: Hands down the loveliest ‘flirting on a bench’ I’ve ever seen, and my top favorite NYE Starker fic. I love to see Tony facing an existential crisis while he navigates his new life post-resurrection, including the violent realization of ‘oh no, Peter’s an attractive adult now’. Gentle and gorgeous get together, kudos at Morgan for being a little devil and playing matchmaking.

• Proxy by @cagestark​ (E, 11k, completed)

Summary: Peter wants to know if Mr. Stark knows, like, anybody who’d be willing to make out with him. Things escalate from there.

Review: I have such a big soft spot for this fic because “by proxy” is one of my favorite tropes and Cage explored it masterfully. Again, this is pining!Tony at his best and Cage just has this ability to transform what once started as a sexy little thing into this soft and gentle love story, the kind that gives you butterflies in the stomach.

• Radar by @intoxicatelou​ (M)

Summary: Peter could say that he’s officially approached desperation, but he wants this, wants Tony, and he’s willing to do everything it takes. Or the one in which Peter tries to become Tony's celebrity crush from 2009 in order to seduce him.

Review: This is one of my favorites self-indulgent fics, I just can’t resist the good old “Peter’s seduction handbook” trope and intoxicatelou delivers it beautifully. This story is sweet, super fun and relatable af. There’s A+ pining, Peter being a bisexual disaster and MJ being the queen we all stan, shocking absolutely no one.

• Revelations by RTC anonymous (E, 127k, completed)

Summary: “I still don’t get it,” Ned says. “How you just... keep being ordinary in spite of all the craziness you’ve lived through. You were in space. You helped Iron Man save the universe. And nobody knows it was you.” His tone softens, becomes almost sad. As though he realizes that what he’s saying is so completely alien to him that he will never be able to understand this part of Peter’s life. “Peter, don’t you want people to know you for who you are?” An AU where they get the Gauntlet off of Thanos that first time, on Titan.

Review: I feel like I don’t need to justify this choice – almost everyone in the fandom has either heard of or read this masterpiece, it’s safe to say this fic is part of the Starker Training Wheels Protocol lol. If you have just arrived or is just exploring the fandom and enjoys slow burns I suggest you start right hee because it doesn’t get any better than this. There’s A+++ characterization, breathtaking pining, insane sexual tension and a very satisfying ending if I may say so. Definitely among my top 3 Starker fics. RTC anon, wherever you are, please know you are loved and appreciated. I’ll literally build an altar for you.

• Reversal by @learned-foot​ (E, 4k, completed)

Summary: Sometimes, Tony is the one who needs to be praised.

Review: For once Peter makes Tony just lie down and take 😊 the fucking 😊 praise 😊. I feel like I’ve been waiting for this fic all my life. This is the praise kink Tony (and we all) deserve, genuine, gentle and powerful. If you’re a big sap for their love like I am, you’re in for an emotional ride because this is overwhelmingly sweet to the point it brings tears to your eyes. LF is such a gift to this fandom.  

• Settling by @cagestark​ (E, 5k, completed)

Summary: Peter really wants to be taller than Tony. Heels help.

Review: One of my favorites by Cage, I still remember how happy and giggly I felt when I first read it. There is A+++ characterization, amazing dialogue, Avengers domesticity, praise kink, the hottest blow job and my favorite Starker first kiss. Oh, did I mention Peter in heels and Tony loving every moment of it? You’re welcome :D

• Stipulations by RTC anonymous (E, 70k, completed)

Summary: Peter Parker’s long term dream recently went from ‘get into MIT’ to ‘afford going to MIT’. As the time approaches, it’s dawning on him that he won’t be able to pay his tuition and afford the move to Cambridge all at once: he’s out of money, his secrets are beginning to pile up, and desperation has started creeping in... And then one night, he saves Tony Stark’s life.

Review: Another fandom classic by our irreplaceable RTC anon, this fic is SO GOOD I keep coming back to it and just recently I realized I’ve built all my personal Starker headcanons out of it, lol. A+++ characterization and hot, delicious pining is a given with this author, but I’m really here for that senses-dialed-to-11 trope, and RTC delivers it masterfully.  

• subtle by @areiton​ (T, 1k, completed)

Summary: Peter is not subtle. He wears his emotion, his excitement, like a flag waved bright red and teasing for a bull—impossible to go unnoticed, impossible to ignore. It’s adorable and it’s Peter, and it’s—in hindsight—why Tony misses the context clues.

Review: This fic is like reading poetry, a balm to the heart. Peter wears Tony’s colors and by the time Tony finally gets the context clues they fall together in the gentlest, softest way.

• Take it slow by tuesday (E, 13k, completed)

Summary: There were a ton of reasons dating Peter was a bad idea. Tony loved bad ideas. He was going to do it anyway. In which Tony thinks they're dating, and then they're dating undercover.

Review: This fic is so endearing it’s basically impossible not to cheer for these two, despite their usual infuriating communication issues, lol. But I promise all the angst and wait are worth it, because there’s nothing more satisfying than seeing how they (finally!) get to be on the same page.

• the record spins on the trails we blaze by @darker-soft-starker​ (NR, 5k, completed)

Summary: Years after the events of Homecoming, Peter thought all of the bad memories were well and truly behind him. After all, so much has happened since then - and he's happy now. Everything is kinda perfect.Turns out nothing stays buried.

Review: Hell yes! I agree HoCo’s events were particularly traumatizing and this trope is not as explored as it should be. To put it simply, this fic is something I didn’t know that I needed and Ash delivered it beautifully. It’s incredibly gentle, cathartic and honest, not to mention the lovely domesticity and understanding between the characters that will make your heart swell.

• Under Someone Else by @learned-foot (M, 7k, completed)

Summary: Peter realizes he’s just a rebound. And he’s okay with that, really. Or at least, that’s what he keeps telling himself.

Review: FEELS, FEELS EVERYWHERE. It’s so hard to choose a favorite fic by LF but this is the first that comes to mind because it introduced me to the amazing rebound trope. It’s so refreshing to see this ship’s potential for angst and miscommunication playing into the “fuck first, talk later” scenario. Warning for vulnerable boys being idiots and breaking our hearts but P.P.P.S they do eventually get their shit together and it’s glorious!

• Up for Anything by tuesday (E, 8k, completed)

Summary: When it came to Tony Stark, Peter would take what he could get. In which Peter believes he's just a rebound. (Not Endgame compliant.)

Review: Of course there’s yet another gorgeous rebound rec because I can’t get enough of this trope. Honestly, LF and Tuesday writing for each other have provided some of the best fics this fandom has, God bless them. This is another treat featuring pining!Peter and the usual “I can’t communicate properly how much I fucking love you”, but there’s also bantering, delicious dirty talk and so much affection that you’ll read it all with the biggest smile on your face.

#starker #reclist #peter parker x tony stark

[restlessmaknae]

measure of life

“I wish I could have your will-power,” she mentioned almost in awe, and in that moment, Luda understood that they would never get it. Never.

♦ Characters: uni student!Jin x uni student!OC (Luda)

♦ Genre: psychological, drama, angst, slice of life

♦ Words: 14k

♦ Warning: this story will be about the OC’s eating disorder - specifically anorexia - evolving and her fight with it, so even though there are no numbers mentioned here, eating disorder habits (calorie counting, weighing oneself, hiding in baggy clothes, lying etc) will be mentioned, so please, if you are easily triggered by the topic, do not read the story!

♦ A/N: Although there are fictional parts, a lot of scenes are inspired by my own life since I’ve also been dealing with anorexia myself, but I’ve been in recovery for three years and I’m better than ever! Therefore, I felt like I could do justice to my journey only if I finished writing this story that I started when I was diagnosed. If you or anyone suffer from an eating disorder, please, reach out for help! It will get better, I promise! My ask box is also always open! 💖

When you look in the mirror, who do you see? What do you see? Fat? What about your waistline? Is it correct? Do you think it should look like this? Do you think you should look like this?

They always say that you are not enough. You are not skinny enough. To be precise, you are not skinny. Who has ever told you that you are? No one? That’s right. That’s because nobody would like to lie to you. They would rather let it slide because they don’t want to hurt you.

Are you okay with that? Are you okay with how do you look? No? Then, change! After all, Jaejun even left you because you weren’t skinny. Or at least, not as skinny as your best friend. Or ex-best friend. 

Comparing, hah? What a nasty word! Still, it hurts, doesn’t it? You always knew that she was skinnier than you, she was always more beautiful than you and she was even praised for her pretty features. People even begged her to eat more when you just sat there staring blankly at your empty plate and wondered why nobody had asked you to do the same. Apparently, you never needed those extra calories because everyone knew that you would get fat. They were the ones who couldn’t. There were always people like your best friend who couldn’t gain a single pound even if they ate three times more than you. Not to mention that they could casually eat fatty, unhealthy food while you did your best to avoid it as much as possible. The result couldn’t be seen on you though.

Still, you are the one who’s not enough and you are the one who never once heard in her life that she’s skinny. You try to shrug it off and claim that it’s okay. You are okay with that. But it sucks, right? It does. Every single damn time when she’s munching away on her triple chocolate muffins while you are eating a single apple. Every single time a boy turns around to look at her, totally ignoring your presence. Every single time your friends whine that ’Please, Eunbi, eat more. You are so skinny!’ or ’Please, eat a lot. It won’t hurt, you need it.’ 

It’s like an invisible bullet through your heart. Every single time they fire at you and you can’t help but get weaker and weaker. You grow to hate yourself, your body, your weight. Everything that is you. Because that seems to be your only flaw now; you are a good student, people think that you have the perfect family, and you have never failed anything in your life. You are only flawed when it comes to your appearance.

Now, put an end to this! Change! It shouldn’t be that hard, right? Everyone’s dieting now, you can do it, too. You are strong enough, you can endure it. In the end, you will surely get what you want. Melt that fat and be the one who people call skinny! Dare to wear girly and not baggy clothes. Months from now on, you shouldn’t be afraid to show your figure to the world. You can do it, you can achieve it!

“Yes! I can do it,” she said to the figure in the mirror, frowning constantly at the sight. All she could see was fat, fat and fat. Her thighs were big, her waistline was something that she wouldn’t dare to look at and her cheeks were puffy. She looked at her reflection again, hoping that the picture would change, the flaws would fade away.

Unfortunately, they didn’t. Unbeknownst to her, it was all in her head, the seed of the growing disease was inside of her. It started with her vision. What she saw was not real, yet she believed that it was real.

“I have to do it,” she claimed confidently, throwing one last flinch at that so-called fat body of hers and left the room.

It was the day when it all started. When Choi Luda decided to listen to the intriguing voice in her head and follow its lead. It was a first-class ticket to the Hell of self-hatred.

You are not enough. I need someone better. You know… someone funnier, more easy-going, someone who doesn’t have such a low self-esteem. I know that you don’t do it to irritate others but honestly… after a while, it can get pretty annoying.

Jaejun’s words were still running through her head when she was on the way back to her apartment, resting her head on the cold glass of the window. It was only an hour ago when the boy confessed that he wanted to break up with her and left her at the restaurant where they had previously decided to meet up. She foresaw that something was fishy when they didn’t even order anything and the words had already slipped out of Jaejun’s mouth:

“We need to talk, Luda,” he announced after clearing his throat to get her attention and that’s how all it started. She didn’t know how long he talked but she knew that he completely broke her heart. Not once, not twice, multiple times.

It started with the fact that he found it annoying that she always refused to go to a fast-food restaurant when he asked her out. It wasn’t because she hated fast food – at that time, she could still stand the thought of eating a burger and chips – but she was fond of old school dates with watching movies at each other’s flats, going to the amusement park, having a picnic outside, going hiking together or merely having lunch at a decent restaurant, not Burger King. Was it really too much to ask? All Jaejun had always wanted to do was to go to a fast food restaurant where they couldn’t even hear each other properly.

On top of that, he blamed her because she wasn’t as lovely as Ara - her best friend. Obviously, she had seen that those two had a thing but she wouldn’t like to admit it. She would have felt more pitiful, she would have felt like she was being used. Jaejun needed her to get closer to Ara. Now, she saw it like how it was, not how she wanted it to be. And it hurt. It hurt as if a poisoned arrow had been sent to her heart, slowly and mercilessly encouraging the disease to spread through her veins and destroy her body.

And then again, she wasn’t enough. She dread those words because it would mean that she failed. All she did was to please others, to meet others’ expectations. She began to lose herself in the midst of trying to be perfect but she didn’t care until others approved of her – her friends, her family, her boyfriend, the professors and the society. She became a perfectionist, someone who feared making mistakes and was terrified to let people down.

You are not enough.

Another teardrop was making its way down her cheeks as she was sobbing silently in the back of the bus. It was past 9pm and she was the only passenger. Not like she would stop wiping if someone showed up but she felt like she was safe. The silence and the monotonous swing of the vehicle was somewhat soothing for her frazzled nerves. Yet, the tears seemed to have no end. She cried, cried and cried some more until a young man suddenly handed her a tissue.

“Is there something wrong?”

The gentle male voice asked and startled Luda who was absent-mindedly looking out of the window. She hadn’t even taken notice of the new passenger as she hadn’t had for that. She tried to pick herself up but to no avail. She was too broken for the time being.

No was what she tried to say but she couldn’t bring herself to lie. She was already fed up with lies, she didn’t want to become a lying machine herself.

“My...” She stuttered in between sobs and didn’t even manage to end her sentence. It was too sorrowful to say it out loud. She felt like if she told someone about the break-up, it would eventually become real and she would need to accept the fact and never broach up the topic again. However, she wasn’t over it, she still couldn’t let go of Jaejun’s words. They were haunting her, whispering creepily into her ears, grabbing her by the wrist and dragging her to the dark hole of self-hatred.

“I-I was actually...” She made an attempt to confess to the stranger but failed miserably. Instead, she burst into tears again.

The teardrops were searing, leaving sorrowful scars on her pale skin, placing poisonous kisses on her rosy cheeks. She wanted to wash away all the memories they had shared with Jaejun but she also felt pitiful at the same time. Was it really worth it to cry over such a guy like Lim Jaejun? Was he really worth it? Were those 11 months that they had spent together worthy of her pearl-like tears? She didn’t know, therefore she felt even more awful.

It got better only when the male started patting her back and gently prompted her to lean onto his shoulder. In the beginning, she protested a bit, fidgeting in her seat to make a decision but after a couple more sad teardrops, she decided to give in. At first, the whole situation felt peculiar – she was crying her eyes out in the arms of another man after an hour of her break-up – but after a while, she found the presence of the guy prominently reassuring and his touch undoubtedly fond.

So she just let it all out. She let the pain take over her and her pride to bury itself with her worried thoughts concerning the cosiness of their scene. The more she stayed in his arms, the less she felt the need to cry. It felt like a safe haven to her. He felt like a safe haven to her.

Her wounds seemed to heal a bit, her mind was less tangled than before as her thoughts weren’t screaming as loudly as they had done so before the young man showed up. She felt at ease for the first time in the last couple of hours and it was all thanks to his assistance. If it weren’t for him, she would have cried the whole way back to her flat.

Speaking of the bus journey itself, they were slowly approaching her final destination and the thought made her come back to her senses. As it crossed her mind, she immediately pulled back from him, a bit ashamed because of the fact that she had just revealed her weak self to a total stranger.

“Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry,” she apologised in an instant and busied herself with wiping off the imaginable dust from her jeans. “I’ve just made your shirt all wet. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have−”

“No, no, it’s totally okay,” the handsome stranger cut her off and boosted a friendly smile to set her at ease. “When one needs someone to lean on, I am more than happy to be that someone. It would get worse if you didn’t let it out, so don’t be ashamed,” he stated gently, his soft, honey-like voice sending pleasant chills running down her spine. 

She couldn’t help but feel guilty at the immediate reaction of her body. He was a stranger after all. His presence shouldn’t have done odd things to the state of her heart the day her boyfriend just dumped her! It wasn’t right.

“But it’s so weird. I don’t even know you.”

“Everyone starts out as strangers, right?” He shrugged it off with the most reassuring smile that she had ever seen in her life. Her shoulders slumped. Unwarily, a smile casted on her face as well.

“Right.” Luda nodded coyly.

The next few seconds were spent in awkward silence, both of them stealing glances when the other wasn’t aware of being watched. Neither of them knew what to say or do until the handsome stranger finally broke the silence.

“By the way, I’m Kim Seokjin. But you can just call me Jin,” he introduced himself as he reached his hand out and she took it without hesitation. She had to admit that his grip was firm yet gentle. His touch was searing yet tempting. She found herself staring at their hands, examining the obvious difference between their sizes. The boy’s hand was so much larger than hers and his fingers were also longer. They looked like the fingers of an artist or at least someone who had constantly worked on something using his hands. She pondered for a thought what he could possibly be doing.

“Choi Luda,” she did the same, bobbing her head and removing her hand from his. “And thank you for−”

“Being your crying pillow?” Jin raised his eyebrow in question, his eyes hinting at his amusement. “Anytime,” he offered voluntarily, making both of them astonished at his remark.

Yet, she soon found herself laughing at his cute comment. It was the first time she laughed that day and it felt like the weight was finally lifted off of her chest. She was finally able to breathe. Her head wasn’t full of negative thoughts. That one monologue wasn’t playing in her head like a broken tape record. No. It was her, the sound of her pleased laughter and his breathtaking smile. 

“Now you are laughing at me. Why? I was totally serious!” He acted like he was hurt but she could detect the playfulness in his voice. A moment later, her theory proved right as he also let himself laugh with her. “Just kidding, I’m happy that you can smile now,” he noted smoothly, making her blush like a teenage girl. It was weird to hear something like this from a stranger but it made her heart leap a bit.

Unfortunately, the bus came to a halt and it was already her stop, so she needed to get off. The doors flew open and she didn’t have time to say a proper goodbye even though she wanted to say so many things to Jin. She was utterly thankful for him being there for her despite the fact that she didn’t even tell him that she was under the weather because her boyfriend had broken up with her. Nonetheless, he – quite literally – offered a shoulder to lean on, helping her until she was able to smile again. There was so much to be thankful for, yet the time was ticking.

“Uh, that’s my stop, I need to get off.” Luda jumped from her seat in an instant and swiftly made her way to the door. “Thank you so much, Jin! I hope we’ll see each other in the future!” She hollered before the doors closed behind her. 

She pouted a bit as she turned around and the vehicle was already moving but it was immediately replaced by a smile when she caught sight of the handsome stranger who was grinning widely and waving in her direction. Before the bus totally disappeared from her sight, she swore that she had seen a flying kiss from him.

What a day!

There was one thing she hated even more than the fact that she needed to attend her lectures at the university. It was the fact that most likely, she would bump into her best friend. Or ex-best friend. Who knew actually?

Jaejun had dumped her on Friday and here she was in her tiny room the following Monday with tangled thoughts and still no calls from Ara. Did she really think that it should be the way she tells her that Jaejun was interested in her and they actually broke up because of her? She doubted that Ara had no idea what was going on. Even if she really didn’t know, she should have called her to ask her about it, offer that she would listen to her rumblings or suggest watching a romantic movie and cursing all males who were living on this planet.

That’s what they used to do when they had still been best friends. They had been close ever since Luda’s family had moved next door when they had both been little kids. As Ara had been the only girl who had been her age in the neighbourhood, they had had no chance but to play together and the afternoons spent together at the playground had eventually grown into friendship. Ever since the day Ara had been forced to bring cookie to welcome the new neighbours and Luda had been the one to open the door for her, they had been inseparable. High school hadn’t been an obstacle either, they had been just as close – if not closer – as they used to be during their teenage years.

Then, university had come. Two years ago, they had both been accepted at the Seoul National University, therefore they had had to move to the capital. As they couldn’t find a flat which would be able to accommodate both of them, they had to be separated for the first time in their lives. They couldn’t even speak as much as they wanted to since Ara had started studying Korean History while Luda had started studying English Literature. Their time schedules had been different but she wouldn’t say that they had drifted apart. Their relationship had risen to a higher level, a more mature one. It had been a healthy change, an essential one. It hadn’t been until she had started dating Jaejun that things had also started to change between the two girls.

She shook her head fervently at the thought. She didn’t want to think about it. Her mind was already twisted, it was like a living monster. There was that tiny voice in her head that tried its best to persuade her that she wasn’t enough and that’s why people left her. That voice was born when the words had slipped through Jaejun’s mouth.

After that, there was no turning back, it was a constant companion. Although only a weekend passed, it came back again and again. It didn’t win over her, not yet. But whenever she saw a kissing couple on the streets, a flower that she used to get from Jaejun or his favourite fast food place where he hang out most of the time, she couldn’t help but feel worthless.

She couldn’t even bring herself to eat, the thought was sometimes so loud that she even lost her appetite. Other times, she would eat a delicious strawberry cupcake, just to forget about him. At that time, she was still in control of herself, her food and her life. The voice was born but it was still a baby.

“I hate Monday mornings,” she murmured under her breath as she made her way to the bathroom.

“You are not alone with that,” a raspy voice hollered from the opposite room. It was Luda’s flatmate – Inna – who was an early bird, even when she didn’t need to get up early for her classes. She was one year older than her and the flat that she rented was actually Inna’s father’s. They got on pretty well, although they didn’t talk a lot.

“Good to hear that,” she commented and a chuckle made its way past her lips as she stepped into the bathroom.

It took her 20 minutes to get changed and be ready to face the inevitable. She grabbed some baked goods – her favourite handmade, buttery croissants - and a cup of hot chocolate on her way to the university, making sure that she would get enough energy until lunch. She had decided to cut back on her snack time previously between breakfasts and lunch because she didn’t have the time to eat them due to her busy schedule. Plus, she convinced herself that it was only a habit that she started when she was still a secondary school student, so she wouldn’t need those extra calories anymore. But breakfast was breakfast and she adored croissants, she couldn’t imagine her mornings without some pastry accompanied by a hot drink. 

Of course, as time went by, it all changed.

“Luda, can we talk?”

The voice that she didn’t want to hear actually called her name. At first, she assumed that it was all in her head but when she turned around to look for its owner, she almost literally bumped into Ara.

“I’m sorry, I’m a bit busy now,” she made an attempt to excuse herself because the thought of having a chat with Ara made her stomach churn with worry. “Can’t we talk a bit later?” she motioned with a forced smile plastered on her face but actually, she didn’t want to talk to her. Not then, not later, not ever. If she really wanted to talk to her, she should have called her already.

“Okay.” The other girl nodded in submission and her reaction caught her off-guard. Was it that easy to get rid of her? “How about we grab something at Starbucks later? They say they have a new cheesecake that you can’t miss out on,” she chattered gleefully as if there hadn’t been a single thing that she should be ashamed of.

Luda felt a need to outright laugh at her but instead, she was merely disgusted. How could she have ever spent time with a girl like Ara? How could she have ever see her as someone kind, caring and sympathetic? Her so-called best friend couldn’t even see that she wanted nothing more than to evaporate and never see her pretty face again.

“Actually, I have−”

“I’ll see you at 5 then. At our usual table.” Ara winked at her and swiftly scampered away before Luda could even have the chance to protest. A huff of air left her nose in disbelief. She couldn’t believe that Ara was so blind. So adamant. So annoying.

So perfect. So flawless. So pretty. So skinny.

Small wonder how she could find herself in the closest Starbucks an hour later, waiting for Ara to arrive. She impatiently looked at the clock but she immediately wished that she didn’t. 20 minutes had passed since her best friend should have arrived and she was nowhere in sight. Not to mention that the seconds passed by more and more slowly and she was already fed up with waiting. After all, she wasn’t the one who wanted this conversation and now she was the one who was there? What kind of absurd situation she had gotten herself into?

As soon as she made up her mind and stood up, Ara beamingly plunked herself down in the seat in front of her.

“Sorry, I’m late, I know. I’ve just had a talk with one of the guys at campus and−” she explained hurriedly, using large gestures to indicate her truth. Luda didn’t feel like listening to her excuse, so she cut her off.

“Was it Jaejun?”

“What?” Ara’s eyes widened in surprise but her astonishment slowly turned into something else. It was fear.

“I asked if that guy was Jaejun.”

“Uhm, well,” she hesitated, scratching the back of her neck sheepishly, a bit torn between the idea of lying to her best friend or telling her truth, even though she was perfectly aware of the fact that it would her hurt, if not breaking her heart. “Yeah, it was him,” she admitted ashamedly. She averted her eyes elsewhere but Luda’s face because she couldn’t bear the apparent disappointment showing on her face.

“Of course.” She couldn’t help but scoff. “Who else would it be?” Luda muttered but her best friend could still hear it perfectly well. She didn’t care anymore, it wasn’t like she didn’t have the right to be angry at her.

“I wanted to tell you, Luda. I really wanted to but I just couldn’t find the appropriate time to say it. It’s not something that I should tell you in the middle of the busy corridors.”

“You’re right. It’s not,” she agreed fervently. She had to remind herself again and again to keep her composure in check and never show her real feelings. Never say her real thoughts out loud, the ones that were kept in the deepest forests of her heart, nourished by the voice in her head. They were raw and merciless. They were already tearing her apart. “But you had the weekend for that. I bet you knew that we broke up with Jaejun on Friday, so you should have given me a call by now. Yet, you didn’t,” she pointed it out in a small voice.

“I know and I’m sorry. I really am. But… you know, it’s not an easy thing to talk about,” Ara admitted bashfully, her words barely audible.

Luda wanted to laugh scornfully, but she couldn’t. She wouldn’t. After all, she had never showed her proper feelings not to hurt anyone, so how could this time be any different? She felt the need to punch a wall though. Hearing that it wasn’t an easy thing to talk about was the biggest lie she had ever heard. Ara used to handle situations like this so well. Even when she had kissed Luda’s first boyfriend while they were hads till been dating, she had confessed to her the moment it had happened. She hadn’t even blinked, she hadn’t even hesitated. So, what exactly had changed since then?

“We didn’t mean to fall in love,” her best friend protested. She bit her lower lip, a habit that she still couldn’t get rid of when she was embarrassed despite her overflowing confidence. “It just… somehow happened on the way.”

“It just somehow happened?” Luda repeated, not believing her ears. What nonsense was she babbling about? Falling in love with your best friend’s boyfriend can just happen on the way? Rubbish! “Since when did you two have a thing? Since the party at Taehyung’s?” she raised her eyebrows in question, the rage underlying behind her actions.

Ara gulped. She wasn’t ready for such hardships. She thought that it would go smoothly, Luda being as sympathetic as ever, and she wouldn’t have to worry about the consequences of falling in love with Jaejun. It seemed that it wasn’t as easy as she had initially planned.

“Yeah, actually, it was then when we first realised that we like each other and we wanted to tell you. I swear.”

“It was already a month ago!” Luda croaked, her voice a bit raspy. “If you had said something then, it wouldn’t hurt so much now. Maybe you could have actually saved me from Jaejun’s horrible comparing.”

“I’m sorry. I know he thinks that I’m a goddess or something but I didn’t ask him to compare you to me,” Ara emphasised the fact but to no avail. Her best friend merely rolled her eyes at her and huffed furiously. She decided that it was enough for her. If Luda was playing dirty, so would she. She assumed that the epitome of goodness and purity would also forget her sin and let her get away with it – like she always did before – but it turned out that things were different now. Maybe Luda grew up after all. “And you have to admit that it’s pretty childish to get so worked up about his words. He said the mere facts. I can’t do anything about the fact that we are different in so many ways. Like I’m outgoing or skinny and you’re not.”

The sentence was left hanging in the air for a moment. Luda would swear that she heard her heart breaking into dozens of pieces. She was already bleeding on the battlefield, why would Ara make things even more painful?

“I’ve had enough,” Luda mumbled under her nose hastily and rose from her seat but Ara emulated her reaction in an instant.

“I didn’t mean that you are fat. You are at a normal weight and there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s just that you always take it to heart when people comment on your appearance and I think you shouldn’t.”

Although it wasn’t meant to be rude, she felt like a bullet was sent to her heart. That’s what you wanted to hear, right? You are at a normal weight. But doesn’t normal equal fat? What do you think so? Doesn’t it sound like an insult to you? It was supposed to be a reassurance, so why do you think of it as something bad? Because you know she’s lying. She always did, you just pretended to believe them. After all, it’s still better to believe in lies than in nothing, right?

Luda needed a few moments to regain her composure and act as calm as possible. Her parents had always told her that it was better to remain composed even during arguments, so she tried her best to live up to their words.

“I don’t want to see you again,” Luda announced as she gritted her teeth in annoyance. She didn’t care that people took notice of her behaviour and threw looks at her. It wasn’t her who was the best guy in this story, and no matter how much her best friend wanted to make her stay by grabbing onto her wrist, she yanked her hand away from Ara’s. She really didn’t want to see her again.

When she stepped out of the busy place, the air felt suffocating. She felt like she was drowning and waves were crashing above her head. She couldn’t do anything to help her to the surface. She was already meters beneath the reality and she constantly got further and further away from help. Who was still there to save her?

I am here. And I will never leave your side. I promise that.

We’ve only just gotten started.

The days were slower and the nights were longer than Luda would have liked it. She was constantly in a war, both with the people in her life and both with her own feelings. 

Deep down, she could understand why Jaejun had dumped her to choose Miss Perfect Park Ara over her. Really, she could. Ara was the epitome of flawlessness; she was skinny and pretty, she had a great sense of humour, she was so talkative that she could easily chat with anyone for hours, not to mention her bubbly and free personality. Everyone seemed to like her, she pulled people closer like a magnet. She fancied going out, she was literally a social butterfly but her heart always belonged to those who were the closest to her. In a nutshell, she was perfect.

Compared to her, what was she? A waste of space, to say the least. She was never as outgoing as her best friend, she rather enjoyed quiet nights spent at home with a cup of hot chocolate and a good book. She never considered herself funny, nor talkative. She wasn’t skinny either and to make matters worse, everyone made sure to emphasise that fact, too. She was certain that she wasn’t pretty and it didn’t even help when she replaced her glasses with contact lenses. Not to mention that she had tiny little freckles on her face and she had a scar on her chin which was still visible, even though she got it when she had been only 5. In a nutshell, she was the total opposite of Ara.

You were never enough. It’s time to change it. Now, you can be enough. Just lose some pounds and you’ll see it. You’ll feel better and people will like you. You will be more confident and you will start loving yourself. Trust me, I will help you.

She trusted that voice in her head. If she was able to prove herself that she was better than this, she would certainly be happier. After all, when someone is happy with herself, others will be happy when they are around her, right?

With that thought in mind, it wasn’t hard to make a change. She joined a gym near her flat and went there twice a week to do some fat-burning exercises. At university, she attended aerobics classes that she enjoyed whole-heartedly but she assumed that it wouldn’t be enough. Plus, those hours at the gym with sweating and pushing herself to her limits helped to distract her for a while. No more Jaejun, no more Ara. Just her mind and her body. The voice even encouraged her and it was kind of motivating. She did something for herself to help to move on and she truly enjoyed it. She took care of herself and her health, it was about nothing else at that time. She wanted to lose a couple of pounds but it was only an acceptable choice, not a life-threatening one.

It was after another exhausting session at the gym when she bumped into her handsome stranger again. She was sitting on the same bus, at the same spot, with different days behind her but with the same old feelings: hopelessness, loneliness and void. Although only two weeks passed, she was already trapped in a cage. Of course, without her or anyone else knowing. It was still a healthy way to approach heartbreak and major changes in life. It wasn’t an obsession. Not yet.

She was totally immersed into her thoughts when someone sat down beside her and started talking to her.

“Same bus, same time,” the voice called out and she had no choice but to turn her head to see who it was. Even without looking at him, she would have guessed that it was Jin, although they had met only once. He had a characteristically warm and soothing voice, she could easily identify it from thousands of other ones.

“Oh, Jin!” Luda’s eyes lit up brightly when their eyes met and Seokjin couldn’t even be happier. “It’s so good to see you. How are you?” she inquired curiously, her weariness from before totally disappearing thanks to the mere presence of the boy.

“I’m fine, thank you. And you?”

“I’m okay, thanks,” she stated with a radiant smile on her face. She felt so much better now that someone was beside her and that someone was Kim Seokjin himself. Last time, he had done so much for her, she wanted to properly thank him but didn’t have the chance since she had to get off before him. Now, it seemed that it was fate that they could meet again, therefore she didn’t want to let her chance slip away.

“Are you really okay?” Jin’s grin vanished in an instant and his expression became solemn again. His honey-like voice was laced with worry, his toffee-brown eyes filled with millions of shining stars, the ones that were her source of reassurance. They were sparkling, bathing in his affectionate and pouring her with love. Every time she looked into them, she felt like she was at a safe haven. He was her safe haven.

“Yes, really.” She nodded with an honest yet tired smile. During the last two weeks, she had been thinking a lot about her life and her choices – let it be her relationships, career goals and important milestones – and although she still wasn’t 100% over the break-up and the quarrel with Ara, she made a significant progress. 

“Are you sure?” Jin suspiciously raised an eyebrow at her and not even a hint of mockery was present in his diamond-like orbs. “You can tell me if something’s wrong,” he offered gently, making her wonder how a guy like him could be real.

He wasn’t her relative, nor a friend, he was basically a nobody to her. Yet, he still kept in mind that last time she had been under the weather and wanted to make sure that she was better now. Her heart leaped a bit thanks to his thoughtfulness.

“Yes, I’m totally sure.” Luda nodded more and more fervently until Jin finally seemed convinced. Then, she shook her head in disbelief but couldn’t hide a smile that was creeping onto her face. 

Seokjin was a literal angel for remembering the fact that she had been utterly devastated the last time they had met. Not all boys would act the same as him after such a first encounter but he was different. He didn’t even know that Jaejun had dumped her but he still offered to be her crying pillow. She couldn’t express how thankful she really was.

“But I couldn’t properly say thank you last time, so let me say it now.”

“No, no, you don’t have to,” the young man immediately cut her off but she would have lied if she had said that she wasn’t prepared for a similar reaction.

“No, really, I would like to say a massive thank you because you helped me a lot. I was going through a pretty hard time and you could cheer me up, so I’m really thankful,” Luda said it anyway because she was just too adamant to already give up. She was fed up with hiding her emotions and not saying out loud what she really wanted to say. After all, that was what partly led to her relationships falling apart. The other reason was that she was blind; she couldn’t see the signs in time. To be precise, she didn’t want to see the signs. “Is there a way that I can pay you back?”

“Oh no, you really don’t have to.” Jin shook his head. “I was happy that I could be there. It would have been a shame to let anyone sob silently in the back of the bus,” he casually confessed, making her totally baffled. She felt her cheeks heating up a bit and she would swear that her face was tinted pink, if not scarlet-red.

“Still, I feel like I have to thank you somehow,” she played the headstrong little girl who wouldn’t give up for the world but she really wanted to do something for him. Maybe they won’t meet again and she would feel just as ashamed as she did after they had first encountered. She had to seize the opportunity now. “I insist. Let me buy you a coffee or something. Then, you can leave me if you want but please, let me do it for you.”

She almost pleaded and Seokjin must have felt sorry for her because he gave in only a blink of an eye.

“Okay, I’m in. I can’t say no to such a great offer.” Jin clapped his hands in excitement and an enthusiastic grin was making its way onto his face. He was naturally attractive but when he smiled like that… oh no, Luda had a hard time keeping her composure in check. “One of my friends actually has a café just around the corner if you wish to give it a try,” he suggested and she couldn’t have anything against his idea. She mentally patted her shoulder because she had decided to take a bath at the gym’s bathroom before he bumped into Jin and didn’t want to get home to get changed. Now, it would be embarrassing to go out with her in her casual training clothes and sweaty body.

As there was really nothing that she could come up with, she gave him a thumbs-up and they headed to the café of Seokjin’s friend’s.

The Hope Café was a pretty, cosy place with lots of radiant colours, the walls decorated with breathtaking pictures from all around the world, classical jazz music playing in the background and grinning waiters and waitresses running back and forth.

At first, Luda was actually taken aback. It was nothing like the good old Starbucks with its highly modernised facilities, that typical green and brown interior design and annoyed stuff who were angry when someone wasn’t speaking loud enough. It was different yet refreshing. It felt a bit like home.

“Oh, Jin! You finally brought your girlfriend! How lovely!”

A joyful male voice hollered from behind the cash register and started walking towards them. He was a guy at around their age with average height, a casual, boy-next-door look and a happy vibe. She had never seen such a wide smile before, he smiled like he didn’t have any problems and everything was fine and unicorns still existed. He seemed so at ease.

Upon hearing his remark, she couldn’t cover up her bafflement. What? Did he just mention the word ‘girlfriend’? Oh no, he might have mistaken her for someone else! Even if it would mean that Seokjin had a girlfriend, she still wanted to clarify herself but Jin was faster than her.

“Actually, she’s not my girlfriend,” the young man explained with an apologetic smile while his friend pouted a bit, his smile wavering.

“You usually don’t bring girls here, so I thought that maybe, you finally got one for yourself,” he explained with sad puppy eyes but clapped his hands in the next moment. “Never mind, I’m happy that you decided to bring her here and I will make sure to keep her entertained.” He playfully winked at her, the russet-brown haired guy merely rolling his eyes in response. “I’m Jung Hoseok, by the way. I’m Jin’s friend and flatmate,” he turned to face Luda and offered a handshake. She took it without hesitation and made an attempt to give an introduction without making a fool out of herself.

“I’m Choi Luda. I’m−” she started speaking but closed her mouth shut when she realised that she had no idea how to define their relationship. They weren’t even friends, maybe not even acquaintances. But then, what were they?

“We met a few weeks ago on the bus when I tried to console her because she seriously looked like she needed company. Today, we also bumped into each other when we took the same bus and she wanted to thank me for what I had done last time, so she wanted to get me a coffee. Then, I mentioned visiting your café and she said yes.”

“You are at the best place for hot drinks, I can guarantee that!” Hoseok announced gleefully, making a casually passing by customer slightly jump in surprise. “We have the best ones in Seoul and we have such a wide range, I’m certain that your jaw will drop at the sight of our menu. Here, just take a look!” He shove a menu into her hands and while searching through all the drinks and snacks mentioned on the paper, Luda came to realise that Hoseok was right. 

They indeed had a wide range of goodies offered. They even had their own unique and quite creative names – like the hot chocolate made from white chocolate and topped with whipped cream and nuts called as the Lovely White Cloud or the triple-chocolate brownie with vanilla ice cream called as the Chocolate Monster and his Sweet Vanilla – that she couldn’t help but boost a smile at such an extraordinary concept.

“So, what do you want?” Hoseok inquired after a minute or so of her examining the menu, the tiny voice in her head reminding her of the calories in those sweet desserts and drinks.

You need to work out tomorrow to compensate for your little cheating. Even though it’s only once in a while, you still can’t let go of control. You just can’t. If you do, you know you will be more miserable. If you hadn’t let things go in their way, you wouldn’t have gotten yourself into this horrible situation. Not letting go of control is the key.

“Ladies first!” Seokjin immediately flashed a smile and looked at her patiently, although she assumed that he had already tried all of the different variations since it was his friend’s café.

“Then, I would like to have a cup of Caramel Dream with the Strawberry&Lemon Rendez-vous,” she decided, trying to shake the unwanted thoughts off and focusing on the present instead of worrying about what would happen to her body if she drank and ate all she had ordered before.

A moment later, Jin also gave his order, and so Hoseok disappeared like he hadn’t even been there in the first place and they sat down at a window-table. Seokjin was a real gentleman, not only did he help her with her coat and put both of their clothes on the coat rack but he also pulled out her chair before seating himself. And they weren’t even in a fancy restaurant but a cosy café!

“Hoseok seems like a nice guy,” Luda commented after thanking him for his kindness because she was still taken aback by the fact that Jung Hoseok was literally a ray of sunshine. She had never met anyone like him before.

“He’s a great guy. Small wonder he’s my friend.”

“How did you two meet?” she asked curiously, resting her elbows on the table and chin in her hands. The russet-brown haired guy was more than happy to answer her question and slowly, without them realising, their conversation went on and on. 

As time went by, it wasn’t a nervous tip-toeing anymore and they didn’t only talk about the cliché topics that people bring up on their second encounter. But of course, they talked about hobbies, friends, family and studies as well. Luda’s jaw dropped when she actually learned that Seokjin was studying Art History and he wished to be either a curator or a teacher. In his free time, he loved to do sketches and little drawings but he made sure to let her know that he wasn’t good, he merely enjoyed it. She asked him to let her see at least one of his works and she whined until he didn’t give in.

The more they talked, the better she could suppress that little voice in her head. At first, it was screaming at her when her strawberry-lemon cheesecake and caramel-flavoured hot chocolate arrived but she ignored it. She had such a fun time with Seokjin that she totally forgot about the voice’s warning and she could fully enjoy herself. The guy was a fun and lovable companion, she laughed so much and it was for real. She didn’t have to force a smile, neither pretend to be interested because she was obviously interested. There was still so much she wanted to know about him!

Sadly, the hours flew by so quickly that it was already time to go home. Seokjin insisted on taking her home but she needed to do some grocery shopping, so she had to say no to his offer.

“Maybe next time,” she tried to cheer him up with a reassuring smile as they were walking down the streets to his bus stop. The stars in the boy’s toffee-brown eyes immediately lit up.

“So, is there a next time?” He raised his eyebrows in question, his tone a bit cautious. Luda tried her best to hide her embarrassment because she didn’t intend to be obvious, the words just slipped out of her mouth. Nevertheless, there was no use of crying over spilled milk, the words already said out loud.

“I guess.”

“Great!” Seokjin slightly jumped in delight and his adorable reaction triggered a joyful laugh from her, quietly leaving her rosy-coloured lips. “How about next Friday?” he inquired excitedly. She was pretty sure that she didn’t have anything scheduled for next Friday, so she agreed but they exchanged numbers just to make sure.

“Then, I’ll see you next Friday,” Seokjin waved as he was hopping on the bus and Luda happily waved back.

“Next Friday,” she repeated and watched as his bus was getting further and further away. As a goodbye present, she got another flying kiss from him. From that moment on, he couldn’t stop smiling until her way back to her flat.

The good feelings went away quickly, and no matter how hard Luda tried, she couldn’t forget about that piece of cake and that hot chocolate. She thought that she shouldn’t have let herself indulge in treats like this because if she did so once, then how many would follow? When would she be able to stop? Maybe others could do it, but she couldn’t. She needed to take control over her life, she needed to take control over herself or else the world would take control over her, and she would never ever let that happen again.

So she listened to the voice in her head, telling her to cut back here and there, her grocery list reducing when she next went to buy food for herself and her thoughts more and more occupied with food and exercising and calories. She started tracking the calories she consumed - both edible and drinkable forms -, so that it could give her a sense of control, so that she could feel like she could monitor what was going on in her life.

It did actually give her a sense of satisfaction, to know exactly what and how much she consumed, and she felt happy, content, joyful even because she thought that it could work. The voice in her head prompted her, motivated her to keep going, so eventually when she went to meet Jin the next Friday, she only drank a cup of hot tea, telling him that she had eaten before, so she was fine. He seemed to believe her, and it was just so easy to get away with it, she felt almost thrilled.

Besides, Jin was a lovely guy. He was very understanding, had a sense of humour she had definitely needed since her break-up and drifting apart from Ara too, and he always had such funny stories to tell, it was insane. She listened to his stories attentively, genuinely smiling and laughing along with him, the fact that she was skipping out on her lunch long forgotten. He was a good company, he could even make her forget about not eating, and it was alright.

She couldn’t quite know what to expect from that encounter though because she wasn’t sure that she could be interesting enough for Jin, so that he would want to meet her again, but eventually, he did so, and they agreed that they would meet again next time when both of their schedules would allow them to do so. As both of them were diligent university students at different universities and having different majors, they were bound to have clashing schedules, but they made it work and stayed in contact through messaging each other.

She had to admit that his food pictures were a bit triggering though, but she tried to go with usual lines such as ‘looks good’ and ‘hope you enjoy your food’ instead of commenting what they contained and how much calories he would consume by eating those. Eventually, she found herself looking up labels for the ingredients and nutrition lists and she looked up countless websites, searching for the best possible combinations of food that could help her by eating less.

Apart from going to the gym, looking up such facts took up most of her time, so she didn’t have more time to spend on her hobbies because she needed to study as well and work on assignments. She didn’t care though; as long as she could make sure that she was aware what she was doing to her body, it would be alright. It would be just a phase anyway, right?

The voice didn’t leave her. In fact, it became stronger and stronger as time went by, becoming her only friend after Ara had messed up their friendship so badly. Luda couldn’t tell whether she was glad or disappointed that the other girl didn’t even try to contact her after she had told her that she wouldn’t want to see her again, but it was how it was nevertheless, and losing a childhood best friend so abruptly definitely had its impact on her. She started feeling suffocated around strangers, always seeking out what flaws they could point out in her, and always questioning their motives. She didn’t want to fall into the same trap she had done so with Ara and Jaejun, but it meant that she didn’t even want to let anyone close to her. At least, not so soon.

The seed of doubt had been planted in her when it came to Jin as well, but they had already agreed on a time and a place for their next encounter, so she didn’t want to let him down, and she wanted to see if it would work out with her situation because Jin was really a great guy, and she couldn’t help but think that he was being genuine whenever he was around her, but she couldn’t tell anymore. She had thought the same about Ara and Jaejun as well, and look where she ended up at.

However, meeting Jin was really like the highlight of her day and the weeks behind her, the constant anxiousness and doubtful thoughts burying her joy and making her wary of meeting others. Though with Jin, it was almost easy to forget about her hardships because they could talk about so many things including her not so good relationship with her parents, the perks of sharing his flat with someone else, his newfound love for cooking or even just the bookstores she liked visiting in Seoul. They didn’t talk only about university, and it made her feel like so much more than just someone who wanted to be a straight A student to prove everyone that she was worthy and that she was a good person.

On the other hand, he picked up the fact that she hadn’t ordered any food, only a glass of still water and inquired the reason behind it. Luda tried to put on her best, most convincing smile when she spoke up.

“I’m not hungry.” She shook her head, lying, so that he wouldn’t ask about her way of eating. He probably wouldn’t understand anyway. It was just her and the voice. They were the ones knowing what it was about.

“Are you okay?” Jin kept insisting though, his mesmerizing, toffee-brown eyes searching for confirmation in her own orbs. She almost felt bad for telling him a fib when he looked like that. When he looked like he really cared about her. “You look a bit pale and sick. Are you coming down with something?” he inquired gently, even lowering his voice as if it could be a secret, but she just shrugged off his question. She had lost weight, but it was alright. She was doing well, she thought that she was the healthiest she had ever been.

“Oh, it’s just usual uni stress,” she reasoned casually, and while it was partly true, it was also partly a lie. The university workload did contribute to her perfectionism acting up even more, but she was managing well so far, she had performed really well on her tests and presentations so far, so she got it. But it needed to stay the same, so that she would feel okay.

“Okay, then. Let me know though if anything’s up. I may not be as good of a listener as my psychologist friend, but I’m here to listen if it’s about anything,” Jin chattered, his shoulders slumping in ease. He probably believed her words from the way he looked back at her, and even though she was thankful, she didn’t know if it was a good thing.

So even if he emptied his plate and mug and she left the empty glass of the still water on the table, he didn’t seem to want to pressure the topic anymore, and she was glad. She almost felt like as if she had been caught when she hadn’t been doing anything wrong in the first place.

Or at least, she didn’t think so, and that was the worst out of all; that she was no longer herself and she was no longer able to tell what was good and bad for her.

Weeks went by and then a month and then another month, and Luda found herself finding excuses to meet Jin because even just the thought of going out and feeling the pressure to eat the foods with unknown calories scared her so much that she would not only stick to her own safe foods that she knew the calories of, but she wouldn’t go to her favourite bakery either or go to group work meetings when it took place at a bar or restaurant, and she wouldn’t go out and eat because food was there, and she needed to know what and when and how much she would eat, so she could keep track of it alongside her weight.

It slowly became like a habit; weighing herself in the morning and at night, and sometimes during the day when she felt like she needed to and the voice prompted her to do so. She always had a mixed reaction whenever she saw the numbers on the scale because she might have been losing weight, but she never felt like it was enough or it was good. If it went up, then she would cut back even more, but even if the number went down, she would cut back as well. Because it was kind of satisfying to see how her efforts paid off, and how she really got it under control. She might not be able to control anything else from her own family to her ex-boyfriend or best friend, but she could control this. And it felt good.

The more time passed, the less she could exercise though because after failing a test, something in her broke, and she decided to spend the time in the gym on studying, so that she wouldn’t fall behind and end with a bad grade. She couldn’t afford to do so, she just couldn’t! She was a straight A student! What would her parents think? Would they compare her to Ara again? Would they compare her to her little sister again? What would her teachers think? She was better than this, she was so much better.

So having more time to spend on studying, she actually had more time to think about food because it really became constant; thinking about what and when and how much to eat. It was always going through her head, reminding her of her goals, and when she felt hungry between her planned meal times, she tried to suppress her hunger by drinking huge amounts of water or chewing bubble gums.

What was interesting though that now that Jin couldn’t even see her, it was only her flatmate - Inna - who could see her from time to time and inquire about her well-being. Though after listening to her worrying questions twice, Luda started hiding her body in baggy clothes, so that no one could see if she had gained or lost weight, only her and that ugly, judging mirror in her room that laughed at her every single night when all she could still see was fat. Would it ever be enough? The image looking back from the mirror?

As much as Inna was kind, Luda couldn’t appreciate her acts, not anymore.

“Look what I’ve found in the store today!” Inna announced as she entered their flat and Luda was just passing by with a glass of water in her hands. Again. She didn’t know anymore how much she had already drank, but probably not enough for the way she could still not suppress her hunger.

The girl then proceeded to show her the little bottled liquid with a wide smile.

“Your favourite brand! I know you’ve said a while ago that you couldn’t find it, but now I found it at this corner store not far from my uni,” Inna explained beamingly, and she reached out the bottle to Luda, watching as she hesitantly took it.

“Thank you, but you shouldn’t have done so,” she remarked with a forced smile. She wanted to tell her that she wouldn’t drink the chocolate milk anyway because it wouldn’t fit into her daily calories and food rules, but Inna’s wide smile stopped her from saying anything like that.

“Oh come on! You immediately came to my mind when I saw this, so drink it well!” Her flatmate suggested kindly before disappearing into the kitchen to pack out the other groceries she had gotten from the store.

Luda looked at the bottle in her hands, her heart wanting to drink it so desperately and her stomach even grumbling at the sight, but she couldn’t do it, not when the voice said otherwise. It wasn’t part of her plans, she couldn’t consume it, it would mess up everything, and then she would be out of control yet again. She couldn’t do so. Not anymore.

So she retreated into her room, closed the door behind her and put the glass of water on her table and threw the bottle of choco milk into her trash bin. She had to get rid of it as soon as possible.

Winter arrived quickly and with that, the snowy and windy weather became more and more prominent, forcing Luda to dress as warmly as possible, but the cold didn’t seem to go away. No matter how many layers she wore or if she had the heat on or not, she was cold. Always. Looking down at her bluish fingers and the remains of bloody patches reminding her of how the skin had come off there before, she told herself that it must have been because it was a particularly extreme winter, and she had always been a bit sensitive to cold, so maybe it was just worse this time.

She could put up with it, she tried to do so. The voice told her that she was strong enough for that, so she pulled through, applied body lotion and hand creams ever so frequently, but they didn’t seem to help a lot. Not as much as she had thought so, but it was fine, she reassured herself, hoping for the winter season to go away quickly.

Soon, the cold didn’t seem that outstanding anymore. It had become a part of her very much long and very much uneventful days. The same happened day by day; going to lectures, studying, measuring food, writing down calories, stepping on the scale to weigh herself, drinking excessive amount of water to suppress her hunger, and waiting for the day to end, so that she could go to sleep even if it meant tossing and turning in bed most of the time. She sometimes woke up in the middle of the night, feeling ravenous, and she sometimes couldn’t even close her eyes. The daylight had become just as much of a nightmare as her nights, sheddings of hair on her pillow welcoming her every single morning.

She convinced herself though that she was doing okay, she was exercising well despite being more and more out of breath whenever she wanted to exercise or even just walking the stairs, and she was eating foods that were said to be healthy, she just controlled what she ate. She didn’t care how much she needed to lie or how many occasions she needed to turn down if it meant that she could stick to her own routine and be in control of her actions.

Seokjin also inquired if she wanted to meet up before Christmas, and Luda didn’t know why, but she was so frustrated at how he still tried to cling onto her. She couldn’t get it, he was just too good and too perfect for her, why would someone like him want to spend time with someone like her?

“Sorry. I haven’t told you, but the day you met me, I was crying because my boyfriend  broke up with me. I need time and space to move on and focus on myself. Please, understand.”

It was her way of saying that she had no idea why he would want to meet her again and to separate him from herself because that wouldn’t end well anyway. She didn’t trust others as much as before, but she didn’t know if she could even trust herself anymore. What had changed though? Life had been so cruel to her, she had it altogether, and then everything had fallen apart.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Of course, I’ll let you have your space and time. You can reach out to me anytime you want to though. I’m here if you just need someone to talk to,” said Jin through a message, and no matter how kind it seemed, Luda didn’t want to reply to it anymore. She just wanted to put everything in the past, and live day by day, obeying the rules of the voice in her head.

Inna was the only one who seemed genuinely worried about her, and who asked if she was feeling okay, but Luda had already become accustomed to lying people and convincing them that she was already over Jaejun and doing well. She was eating, she said, it was just the stress, she said. She couldn’t tell them how overwhelming it was if she couldn’t do what the voice told her to do so, how much she felt out of control. She couldn’t, she couldn’t let it happen again. She couldn’t disappoint others and herself. She needed to be strong.

However, with her semester over and the excuse to go home during the short winter break, she was almost obligated to go home between her semesters, and she couldn’t have been more frustrated.

She had never been on good terms with her family, they had always expected so much of her and belittled her efforts, and no matter how much she tried to live up to their expectations, she had never gotten genuine feedback. It was expected of you, her parents said, show a good example to your little sister, they said. When she had messed up something (anything), then came the questions why and how it could have happened.  

She always looked up to her parents and she was always grateful for what they had given her, but they had never been there for her emotionally, and she felt so alone even if they were around her. She had always tried to deny it, telling everyone just how much of a loving family she had, but they had never really listened to her, all the attention went to her little sister, and she was just expected to do well.

So to be controlled by them in another way - them telling her what to eat -, she felt out of control again, and it showed. She barely left her room saying that she needed to take care of something for her next semester which was a blatant lie, but they wouldn’t care anyway as long as she had gotten good grades and they could show her off as an example of their perfect parenting.

Only meal times were a struggle this way, but they were literal hell. She didn’t eat carbs, so she left out the side dishes and noodles they had prepared and indeed opted for the vegetables and other garnishes, hoping that they wouldn’t notice, having perfectly mastered the art of cutting her food into little pieces, drinking a lot between bites and eating slowly, so that it would seem like she took a long time to eat because she had eaten a lot. Usually, it had worked.

However, this time, her mother couldn’t let it go.

“Why are you picking on your food?” The woman looked at her after basically monitoring what she had been doing, just because she had no other topic to focus on because Luda’s little sister wasn’t talkative this time either. She was preparing for her senior year exams diligently, and the closer the date was, the more after school activities she had, so she was more tired than usually.

Luda took in a deep breath and answered without even thinking of telling them the truth. The lie slipped through as easily as if it would have been the truth. She almost believed it herself.

“I’m not hungry.”

“Is it because of Jaejun? Do you want to appeal to him by not eating?” Her father asked firmly, making her furrow her eyebrows in question. Really? That was the first question he could have asked? Doing it to appeal to a boy? Her ex-boyfriend out of all? It had already been difficult for her to tell her family the truth, but to take advantage of her honesty this way?

“Do you think I’m that kind of girl?” Luda scoffed, her voice raised due to the frustration that was slowly building up from the inside, yet her mother was ever so quick to tell her off for raising her voice at his father.

“Luda! It was just a simple question,” she tried to reason, giving her daughter a side-glance that she took with a frown. It had always been like this; if they threw offensive remarks at her and she told her own opinion or dared to show her feelings, they would get defensive and blame her for hurting them or blame her for overreacting. On the other hand, if she tried to play it save, suddenly she was ungrateful and neutral. She had never been enough. Never.

“No, I don’t want to appeal to him or anyone,” Luda said, but what she really wanted to say was that she just wanted to have control over her life. They wouldn’t understand that though. Every single time she had been just a tiny bit sad or disappointed, they had told her to cheer up and just relax. They had never been there to listen to her worries unlike they had done so with her little sister. Because her little sister had always cried to get their attention, and it had been enough for them to listen to her. 

“You aren’t eating dinner either, mom,” Luda pointed out with an edge to her words, but her mother shrugged it off. Like everything.

“I heard it’s not good for the body,” she reasoned, almost as obviously lying as one could be, but everyone seemed to drop the topic for her mother’s sake because they knew she had never been confident in her body, and started asking Luda about her studies instead.

It was always like this; if there was nothing else to talk about, came her studies. Not the way she was feeling, not how scared or happy or content she was with how the semester had gone or if she had been looking forward to the next one. It had always been about those results and classes excluding her emotions, and that hurt the most. It felt like silently screaming whenever she was beside them and didn’t say a thing about what was going on inside.

That dinner went by horribly slowly, but even that was better than when her little sister had pointed out her weight loss when she had accidentally opened the door on Luda when she had been in the bathroom and told their parents, her mother’s only comment being:

“I wish I could have your will-power,” she mentioned almost in awe, and in that moment, Luda understood that they would never get it. Never.

Even those few days she had spent at home had been enough to make her restrict even more and compensate for eating with her family and eating those foods she hadn’t been familiar with. Going back to weighing herself and tracking her calories were more crucial than ever before, and with the new semester starting, it became like a project to her to keep pushing, to keep up with it.

She didn’t care that she isolated herself from people, she didn’t care that she was always feeling cold despite winter turning into spring and spring turning into summer, having trouble sleeping, having a huge set of rigid rules when it came to foods and she was obsessively trying to follow those, she didn’t care her period hadn’t come for months, she didn’t care her hair was falling out, her nails were brittle, her skin was dry and bloody patches covered the surface because she convinced herself that she was the healthiest she had ever been. She didn’t care about the symptoms even if they were there because she thought that they were just temporary and had nothing to do with the way she was eating.

She kept going with whatever the voice wanted from her even though it didn’t feel like a friend anymore. If anything, it was an abusive one. An authoritative one. Nothing was ever enough for the voice either, but then again, when had she been ever enough for people? That voice was just another voice she couldn’t please, so she kept trying and trying until that voice seemed to have won.

Luda didn’t know how it happened, once she felt a bit dizzy while walking from her room to the bathroom and she felt her legs going weak and darkness embracing her and then the next thing she saw was light and blinding lamps, white walls and a doctor in a gown beside her. He kept asking her questions after saying that her pulse was dangerously low, and whenever she didn’t want to answer, Inna was there to answer what she knew of.

Luda kind of figured out that she must have fainted and it had been Inna who had called the ambulance, but she didn’t understand why was she still there, so she let Inna speak, and when the food topic came up, Luda was quick to protest.

“No, I eat, really. I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been,” she tried to reason, but the doctor shook his head.

“A lot of eating disorder patients say so and end up in a hospital because they fainted from the lack of food,” he enlightened her firmly, his words truly shaking her. She glanced at Inna as well, but she only gave her a bitter smile in return. Did she believe the doctor’s words? “Eating disorders are deadly, and with your pulse, it’s a surprise you have never fainted, and it’s a miracle that your heart is still beating,” the man added neutrally, and if anything, this kind of information shook her to the core even more.

Luda tried to process what she had heard, but she couldn’t. She just couldn’t accept it. It was ridiculous. She was alive and well, wasn’t she? She was doing well, she was eating, her heart was still beating, why would she die? Why would her pulse be low? But then again, why did she feel so ashamed? As if a secret of hers had been revealed? This complexity was giving her a headache, a painful one, a really painful one. She felt like she was splitted between the voice in her head and her own voice. It was the first time she felt like this ever since that voice had been born.

“No, I don’t have an eating disorder.” She shook her head fervently, that voice in her head screaming, yelling angrily at her for ever getting there, for ever getting a doctor question what she was doing. It was angry this time, and even though it had become more and more angry lately, Luda had never felt so afraid and so ashamed at the same time. Could they… could they be right?

“I’m fine,” she continued repeating herself until the tears started flooding and she had no more strength to obey the voice, letting Inna give her a hug and tell her that she would be there for her. The voice continued screaming and blaming and pointing its finger at her, making her cry out loud even more.

She lost, she knew it. The voice had always been stronger than her, and she had lost against it.

In fact, she had been losing ever since it had been born.

Everything happened so fast after the realization; a proper eating disorder specialist was assigned to her at the hospital, they ran some more health checks on her and gave her the diagnosis with guidelines for outpatient care because otherwise she would need to go inpatient and no matter what, she felt like she couldn’t give up on her studies. She was given nutritional advice and a meal plan, she was given a psychologist’s contact as well, her first appointment already settled, and by the time she left the hospital, she felt so weak and exhausted that she just wanted to sleep, but she couldn’t.

Inna was there to remind her that she should eat, and despite the fact that it was extremely difficult with that voice in her head screaming at her, she realized that she didn’t want to die. No. It had never been about wanting to die although by the end she had really felt like dying, she just wouldn’t admit it. She had felt so alone, and at least that voice had been there for her to comfort her, and it had really felt like it had become a friend. Until it hadn’t.

But no, she didn’t want to die. She might not have had a loving family or lots of friends or anything, but she still had dreams and things she wanted to accomplish, and just the thought of dying… it scared her. It scared her more than she would admit, so even if she was eating through tears, she did eat dinner that night, followed by a night of reading upon eating disorders and hers specifically - anorexia nervosa.

She indeed found articles about anorexia sufferers dying from their symptoms because their organs had stopped working properly and their hearts had stopped. It was so terrifying that Luda found herself crying again; a constant reaction ever since she had been told that she might have an eating disorder, and she had to realize that she had been holding back these tears all these time. She had never once cried ever since her break-up with Jaejun almost a year before, and it had come back all at once. She had convinced herself that she was fine and that she was doing well when really, she had never been sicker in her life, and people hadn’t even noticed. Her mother had even said that she had wished she could have her will-power, one horrible family encounter following another horrible one after that specific time.

She cried herself to sleep that night, hating the fact that things had gotten so out of control when she had been so convinced that she had been in control of her life, and hating herself, her life and that fucking voice in her head that made her feel like she couldn’t stop, but at least, she now knew that it was a problem, and if she wanted to live, she had to go against that voice.

Oh, how she wished it would have been that easy to just think that she could do it and then do it, but no. The first few days were okay, but then came the guilt and then restricting again, and then came the guilt for not eating well and then the cycle went on, eventually interrupted by the therapy sessions that did seem to help actually. At first, she was so damn scared to speak up and she just wanted to shrug it off, saying that she was doing better, she didn’t need help, but then the psychologist asked about her feelings, her real feelings, she asked about her relationships and family and childhood memories, and Luda once again had to realize that she had been deceiving herself all along.

That she had indeed never had the emotional support she had needed when she had been growing up, and that it showed in her low self-esteem, self-hatred and distorted body image. That she had always tried to suppress her feelings even when her boyfriend had dumped her and when her best friend hadn’t even wanted to confess to what had happened with Jaejun. She had tried so hard to always put others first that she had lost herself all along, her feelings buried under the pressure and her need to please others and to not hurt them, yet again triggered by what her parents had taught her, especially in relation to her younger sister.

Then again, that comparison with her younger sister and Luda not being the favourite child also came to surface, and she had never cried more than during that specific therapy session, finally seeing the situation for what it was and not just brushing it off, saying that it didn’t hurt her. Because it did, it always did. She just didn’t want to seem like an ungrateful child because she got a roof above her head, her parents paid for her tuition fees and they were doing well financially, so she couldn't have complained about those, but the emotional part… It had been lacking all along, and no matter how much she yearned for it, no matter how much she had tried to please her parents, she had always been pushed to the side as the second child.

“Eating disorders can manifest in many forms, but a lot of patients are actually silently struggling and yearning for love, acceptance and control, the people around them just wouldn’t notice or understand,” her psychologist told her when Luda apologized for crying, and the middle-aged woman tried to do everything in her power to make her feel better by telling her that it was okay to cry and what she was feeling was completely understandable.

“They never noticed. My mom even said that she wished she could have my will-power,” she admitted between sobs, getting the words out feeling a bit deliberating. She had never dared to say anything bad about her parents to others, but it felt like a wall had been broken down, and then many others followed.

The interesting thing about therapy was that after a while, Luda started getting more and more memories back as they were talking about certain topics, and it was odd, but her psychologist told her that those were the so-called repressed memories that might have been buried in the back of her mind because of the idea that her parents were perfect and that they had always been there for her when in reality they hadn’t been and these memories unlocked some hidden parts of her mind and of her hurt. Therefore, coming to terms with such situations definitely helped her to move on with her recovery, and therapy seemed useful.

Although just like with everything, there were always good and bad ones. In the beginning, there were a lot more bad days than good days, but it was because she knew that what she had been doing was wrong, and she hadn’t known before how to go against the voice, so she needed to learn it now. Not suppressing her emotions was also difficult because it was emotionally very much draining to realize just how many emotions she could feel and how overwhelming they could be.

Inna also became a great support to her, and even though Luda needed to be the one to save herself, she needed to be the one to pick up the food and eat it and deal with the emotions afterwards, having someone who had seen her at the worst, yet stayed by her side and tried to understand her was so reassuring because she knew she wasn’t alone.

“You know, I may not understand what you are going through, but anorexia is a serious mental illness, and it’s not an extreme diet like others say. So really, I’m so proud of you, and I’m always here if you need someone. Never ever think that you’re a burden,” Inna told her once when Luda was doubting why she had stayed by her side, and she gave her a thankful smile in return, but it wasn’t enough to show her gratitude. But she was trying. “I’m glad to see you smile again,” she added with a smile herself, and even though this wasn’t even a compliment, Luda felt like it was, and she felt almost teary hearing her words.

Some people seemed to be able to get why even smiling was a big thing.

Many relapses happened afterwards, and it didn’t help either that Luda’s parents didn’t think that it was more than an extreme diet and kept asking about her weight and kept telling her not to go to therapy because she didn’t have big enough of a problem, but she couldn’t care anymore. She put herself first and still pulled through with it because she knew how much she needed any help she could get and she knew it was about so much more than just food.

However, there was one person who actually came back into her life, and she was taken aback when she received a message from him, but when Jin asked if she was doing well, she found herself telling him about her mental health struggles, and told him that if he could wait a bit more, she would come out of it better Then, as someone who had a psychologist friend, Jin tried his best to support her even through messages, and eventually, they met up at the Hope Café again after Jin had asked her dozens of times if it was alright for her to eat out and whether she would feel uncomfortable.

She did feel a bit uncomfortable, but she knew that if she didn’t give it a try, the voice would win, and she didn’t want that, so she gritted her teeth, met the young man and let herself be fully concentrated on what he said instead of what she was eating.

“I’ve tried to ask my friend and look up what to say to someone with an eating disorder when they are eating, so I just want to say I’m really proud of you, every bite must be difficult for you, yet you are here, and you keep trying. That must require such strength and bravery on your part. You are the real fighter here,” Jin mentioned totally seriously, and Luda found herself absolutely speechless.

It was one thing that Inna who had taken her to the hospital after her fainting said similar things, but someone from whom she had isolated herself, someone who could have easily forgotten about her and someone who had never been forced to ask his psychologist friend or look up what eating disorders were about did so… It was truly heartwarming.

“Thank you, Jin. Really. I-I…” She tried to find the words to say, but she had no idea if words could portray what she was feeling. “Not everyone would take the time to look up such things, so I’m more than thankful.”

It might not have been easy to be around him and to believe that he was genuine, but she tried her best, and the more time passed, the more she realized that he was as genuine and understanding as one could be. Opening up to someone was always difficult, even more so with her struggles, but as time went by, she realized that it wasn’t a weakness to lean on others and others didn’t find her a burden when she was talking about her worries and hardships, and that some people would really just be there for her even if they weren’t family.

Though not until she actually learned to love herself, could she believe that others could love her, but after that, it became a bit easier to be around people and to be in her own skin. She also had to realize that life couldn’t be measured in numbers or expectations or others’ opinions or academic achievements, but in smiles, laughter, dreams, hopes and in the genuine love of people who were there for her including herself.

#bts scenarios #bts imagines #jin scenarios #jin imagines #bts drama #jin drama #bts angst #jin angst #bts #jin #my story #restlessmaknae

[medisinals]

there are actually (at least?) three statements in the Archives about Blackwell.

        one is the statement he gave himself in 1919, under the name Edgar Tullis.  this one offers the most internal clarity as to what the fuck his deal is, but is also the most outdated.  he made it before he had any understanding of the world of the fears- if he’d known what the Institute really served, you wouldn’t have seen him there for dust.

        the second statement is from 1950.  statement of Nelson Whelk, regarding... a sense of foreboding?  in all honesty, there’s not much substance to this statement, and it would be quite easy to dismiss as nonsense if it weren’t for the fact that it’s one of those statements that refuses to be archived digitally, meaning something about it is fucky.

        Nelson describes a feeling of doom that’s dogged him ever since a car crash he was involved in.  the crash was very nearly fatal for him, but he survived after a period of intensive care at a public hospital.  he describes the surgeon leading his care team as a short, thin, dark-haired man who walked with a cane, and recollects the surgeon telling him to ‘enjoy it’ as he was released from the hospital.  he says that ever since, he’s felt death creeping up on him, like ropes getting tighter and tighter around his chest.  again, this would all be very easy to dismiss as irrational thinking in the wake of a serious trauma, if it weren’t for the odd nature of the statement itself.

        Nelson died about a month after giving this statement.  his death was recorded as a result of catastrophic stroke, but the documentation that would ordinarily support such a diagnosis doesn’t seem to exist.

        the third statement comes from 2003.  statement of Nadia Malouf, regarding the death of her sister, Asha.  bullet point format again here we go

About two years prior to the statement, Asha was involved in a serious bicycle accident.  As Nadia came to the hospital to see her, she was struck by a sudden, bone-deep certainty- though she stresses that she doesn’t usually believe in such things- that Asha was about to die.

But after hours of operation, Asha’s condition stabilised.  As Asha slept, Nadia spoke with her care team, including the trauma surgeon, Dr. Blackwell.

She mentions getting weird vibes from Dr. Blackwell, mainly based on how unhealthy he looked (rail-thin, pale as old milk, eye bags for days, walking with a cane), then feeling guilty for making such superficial judgements.  In any case, she says that all her trepidation melted away when she heard him speak.  He told her, very calmly, that her sister was in very serious condition but would survive.

Before heading off, the surgeon told Nadia to “enjoy it,” a phrase that stuck with her oddly.

Asha lived through the accident and even began to make serious strides towards full recovery, with months of physical therapy and care.  During this time, Asha and Nadia grew even closer as siblings, each feeling that they'd been given a second chance.  About a year after the accident, Asha was walking and talking almost as if she’d never been hit, and preparing to go back to work as usual.

And then Asha just... died.  Out of nowhere.  Her autopsy explained absolutely nothing; it seemed like she was in essentially perfect health, except for the fact that she was dead.

Nadia was, understandably, upset by this.  In her grief and confusion, she latched on to trying to understand why and how her sister had died, but nothing about it made sense.  Asha’s death was ruled as natural - even though there was no cause of death that could be pinpointed, it certainly didn’t make any sense to suspect foul play or suicide.  But Nadia wasn’t satisfied.

She spent a lot of time researching any conditions that could cause sudden death, even hiring a med student to tutor her, but there were still no answers.  At some point, she got the idea to go back to the trauma surgeon who’d treated Asha after the accident.  Even if he didn’t have any answers, either, she remembered how calming it had been to talk to him the first time.  She admits she may have latched on to the idea that somehow, he might be able to make things make sense, or at least make things less frightening.

It took her a while to get to him, given how busy he was at his job, but she eventually caught him on a smoke break.  He recognized her, greeted her by name, and asked how she was doing.  She told him about Asha’s recovery and death.  He was silent for a while, then asked “did you enjoy it?”

Whereupon she physically attacked him, something she admits she didn’t have a clear reason for doing.  At the time, it seemed like he was mocking her loss, or lording some secret over her, but she still can’t explain her actions except to say that she was unstable.  She feels guilty about her actions, but she feels even guiltier about the fact that every time she remembers the assault, it comes with a feeling almost like satisfaction.

In any case, the surgeon received only minor injuries, and declined to press charges.

Nadia is in therapy now, and says she’s doing better about fixating less on Asha’s death, though it still haunts her enough to bring her to the Magnus Institute to make a statement... but maybe now she’ll be able to move on.

        Digging into Nadia’s statement does turn up exactly which hospital Asha stayed at, and exactly which surgeon was working her trauma case- one Dr. T. E. Blackwell, who declined to be reached for comment.

#because i could not stop for death | V: TMA

[atlasshrugd]

interesting recent interview w randy on yt - search 'get sauced with randy harrison'. at the 30 min mark he discusses two things that made me a lil sad. he said he knew he'd be right for the part of justin because it was a 'role he knew how to play' to appeal to older gay men in the industry. he also said re: brian and justin we should unpack the idea of a 17 year old who has never dated anyone else finding 'true love' with a grown man. i LOVED qaf but think about this a lot now that i'm older.

Hello! I also think about this. I find this aspect of the show the most unrealistic, and I can definitely see why others would find it immoral. The way I have seen it is that it is a work of fiction. Qaf has many, many elements that are unrealistic in their exaggeration, and often morally grey areas - however, this is what makes the show so great. It portrays humans in a contradictory light and doesn’t exempt anyone from mistakes or immoral behaviour.

If qaf was released nowadays, the age gap between justin and brian would be a much bigger issue, for good reason, because it isn’t a great message to send people. I do wish the justin character had been at least 18 when he met brian.

That being said, I also must say that it in this work of fiction, it is entirely within character for both brian and justin (and only them). Justin is portrayed as a bold, courageous, youthful kid who knows what he wants - and he wants brian. What makes him different from any other bold kid is that 1) he doesn’t give up on his goals, and 2) his love evolves from infatuation into real love. This is only possible because of the maturity of Justin’s character, which is rare in teenagers. He accepts Brian as he is, is aware of all of Brian’s flaws, but loves him in his entirety anyway. It doesn’t matter how many times brian tries to push him away or convince him. Justin has already made up his mind that this is the man I am going to spend my life with.

His ideals about Brian and romance are definitely clouded by childish fantasy at the beginning, but as Justin grows as a character, we see his strength, perseverance and resilience. Brian is aware of Justin’s maturity, too. “I’m the most mature person you know,” is what Justin says to him, and Brian doesn’t disagree. While I am aware that the whole “mature for your age” is outdated and predatory, I believe in this case that Justin and Brian are well-matched in their maturity levels.

Brian is sometimes like a child in a grown man’s body. He has vast maturity in other areas, but his emotional maturity has never truly been developed because of his lack of childhood. He doesn’t truly believe someone could love him enough to stick around, someone who doesn’t idolise him but loves him as a whole, and doesn’t believe he deserves it anyway. When Justin comes along, he is only 17. Brian tries to convince him that it meant nothing and for him to stop following him around. Brian knows he isn’t good for Justin. But Justin doesn’t give up, and eventually, Brian starts to let him in and accept that, because maybe this kid really does love him.

Obviously, where love is concerned, Brian doesn’t like to think about it, so he usually lashes out in some way to prove that it’s false. This is where a lot of people, including Randy, have an issue with with this relationship. Brian has intentionally broken Justin’s innate optimistic and romantic ideals of the world, relationships and love many times in the show. As Justin was only a teen in s1 and s2, he was highly impressionable, especially by Brian who he looked up to. Among other disrespect and manipulation, Brian isn’t the greatest first boyfriend for a teen, even one as emotionally mature as Justin.

They become more like equals in season 3, after the reunification. They are both on equal ground and Justin no longer has to depend on brian emotionally. Justin has realised that while Brian isn’t perfect, he still gave Justin more than he could ever ask for, and Justin isn’t willing to be without him anymore. He also realised that in order to be with Brian, he could not demand things that Brian wasn’t willing to give, and he would have to live with that. This acceptance of not trying to change Brian, allowed for their relationship to be more like a partnership. They both respected each other more.

While this relationship isn’t perfect, and there are certainly elements that are unhealthy and unconventional, I believe that it works for them. But I don’t believe brian and justin ARE perfect or conventional or entirely healthy, either. We love these characters and their love for each other because it transcends anything else; all the shit, the mistakes, the misinterpretation, the beliefs of others. Their love has been built on experiencing hardship (Justin getting kicked out and staying with Brian, the bashing, the recovery, losing everything, the pink posse, cancer, long distance) and staying together in spite of it.

There are also many things I wish the show had done differently, but we have to make peace and accept the things we cannot change. All I can say now is that their love is definitely special and unique and nothing I have ever seen before in television. It is stable and consistent and omniscient enough for everything else that has gone wrong to fall away. Because in that, that’s what really matters. And that is why they will always be together, even when they are not together.

#ask #queer as folk #brian kinney #justin taylor #qaf #britin

[teflonsos]

⌠ MIGUEL HERRAN, 21, CISMALE, HE/HIM ⌡ welcome back to gallagher academy, RICARDO ‘RICKY’ ALONSO! according to their records, they’re a FIRST year, specializing in DRIVER’S ED; and they DID NOT go to a spy prep high school. when i see them walking around in the halls, i usually see a flash of (5 a.m. cigarettes after a sleepless night, the smell of burning rubber after driving so fast you break the sound barrier, cheap vodka in an expensive shotglass, scraped knees and elbows from reckless parkour). when it’s the (scorpio)’s birthday on 11/04/98, they always request their CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES from the school’s chefs. looks like they’re well on their way to graduation. ⌿ kati, 23, est, she/her ⍀ @gallagherintro

STATS / PINTEREST / CONNECTIONS / CLASSES

INSPIRATION.

fernando alonso – formula 1

james hunt – formula 1

jp – redline

peter quill – guardians of the galaxy 

emmett cullen – twilight

mercutio – romeo & juliet

han solo – star wars

charlie pace – lost

vert wheeler – acceleracers 

BACKGROUND + CLICK FOR FULL BIO.

when ricky is born, there are expectations as the firstborn male but they are expectations that ricky refuses to meet. he’s stubborn, insolent, and straight up annoying. his dad is mysteriously never around and his mother suffers from chronic illness, so he generally has free range of the house and...free range to harass and drive out nanny after nanny

his younger sister is the balancing force in his life, proper in all the ways that he’s a mess and polite in all the ways that he’s uncouth. however, they get along really well and she’s his best friend in an otherwise large, empty house.

as he gets older, his father’s comings and goings are more noticeable to ricky and he realizes that he doesn’t really understand what his dad’s job actually is? and his father won’t answer his questions about it either. one night, when ricky is about ten years old, he sneaks downstairs to find his father covered in blood. at first he screams until he realizes, that’s not his father’s blood – it’s someone else’s.

put the pieces together, his dad is a blackthorne alumn, assassin, and...brotherhood member. 

ricky doesn’t really get the chance to be close with his parents, but he is super close with his grandfather. his grandfather is a big man with a full laugh who used to race formula one like, back in the sixties. he’s a big name, and ricky wants to be like him, and his grandfather is the one that gets ricky really into the sport. racing. 

ricky starts off by racing t cars, and when he’s fourteen and sneaking out to the track with his sister, things go awry. they’re stopped and kidnapped by brotherhood members. from conversations by the kidnappers, he can surmise that his father has something to upset the brotherhood and the kidnapping is a move to keep his father in his place. ricky have to listen to his father tell the kidnappers he doesn’t give a fuck about him (likely a bluff, but still stings) over the phone.

ricky’s father’s move doesn’t work, and he doesn’t get to them in time. ricky has to beg on the phone for his life. a gunshot rings out. everything else is a blur.

ricky wakes up the next day with a million questions, but there’s one answer: his sister will never walk again. a gunshot has left her without the use of her legs, but otherwise she’ll make a full recovery. she encourages ricky to continue his racing and tells him how much she believes in him.

he takes home trophies year after year while t car racing and people start to learn ricky’s name, to see him as an up and comer as they associate him with his grandfather. the next four years are hard work, but he’s healing from trauma with a new passion and a great support system.

ate age 19, he’s on the podium after his third formula three race, and he wins the championship, raining champagne on his teammates and laughing. his nights are busy, filled with parties and clubs, pretty girls and people willing to give him whatever he wants. 

he awaits the next season and the rise into formula two, but he’s getting ahead of himself. late nights spent partying before the race take their toll on him, and his sister says it best. “you shouldn’t go out there,” she says. “i have to go out there. it’s fine, i’m just a little hungover. besides, it’s raining today. i have the advantage.” but he never learns.

ricky crashes hard, lucky to get off with a tbi and some broken ribs, but the drugs in his system render him a pariah and no one will really want to sponsor him after that. everyone had high hopes for him, but now he just looks like another stupid kid. he’ll never forget the disappointment in his grandfather’s eyes. 

he spends most of the year blowing previous winnings.

after all of that bullshit, his grandfather sits him down. “you’re going to apply to gallagher academy,” he says. and that’s when he tells ricky everything, about his father’s profession, just like his grandfather’s brother and father before him. the legacy, the brotherhood, blackthorne academy, and ricky’s both riveted and horrified. “that’s what my sister got shot for?” 

ricky passes the test while the brotherhood still has its claws clenched tightly around the reigns of gallagher academy somewhere. he’s a good driver, the fastest, and he might’ve been the best if he wasn’t so irrational and drunk on his own pride (among other things.) 

before he can gain the skills to stop his father himself, someone else does. the news comes on ricky’s very first day of school: “dad’s been arrested.” and it’s like his whole world stops, because he always knew his father was bad, just someone else got to him first. 

PERSONALITY.

ADVENTUROUS: ricky is not afraid of risks, and actually, this is usually in a good way. he pushes himself to want and pursue fulfilling life experiences, so while he’s made stupid decisions, he never lets fear stop him from taking chances and trying new things, so he’s pretty open-minded 

CHARISMATIC: pretty good at putting on a smile and making himself likable when he needs to be, he has a nice smile and a good-natured spirit even if he can be a bit MUCH at times ! the kind of asshole that you can’t help but like anyway, he means well 

FLEXIBLE: one of his great strengths is his ability to go with the flow, it doesn’t change him around or turn him inside out when things don’t go his way, he’s pretty adaptable and able to adjust when there’s a wrench in his plans

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE: ricky has a habit of ruining things when they’re going good for him, he’s notorious for self-sabotage and it probably comes from a mix of feeling like he’s invincible so he pushes limits and because he’s almost comfortable in the label of fuck-up at this point, not wanting to get his hopes up too high

ENTITLED: whether he likes it or not, he comes from a good family and a past where most things have just been handed to him. so, while he’s worked hard, he’s never had to work...that hard. he feels entitled to success and certain things in life and he can be a bit of a dick about it, even out of touch with other ways of life. he tends to feel like he deserves things, such as his gallagher education or another chance at racing

SELF-CENTERED: apart from his sister, ricky very much puts himself first and can be a bit selfish. it’s mostly out of self-preservation, but most of his thoughts revolve around him. he actually puts a lot of pressure on himself, which is why he turns to unhealthy coping mechanisms and doesn’t look at how his actions affect others in his life

HEADCANONS.

when it comes to his memory loss, it’s pretty manageable. he keeps up with medication and IF he gets a good night sleep/eats well...it’s good on his brain. but sometimes he’s not so great about it! his most common habits are: putting something down and forgetting where he just put it, asking you a question he’s already asked, and he’s bad with names

used to be good at fighting games but now he isn’t and he still tries and it’s sad :(

as you can guess, he’s really bad at card games but he likes to gamble so he’ll just bet on other stuff. always ready to put money on the results of a sports game or something, loves to do fantasy brackets

really likes anime movies! watches a lot, but his faves are obviously redline, akira, princess mononoke, perfect blue, and ghost in the shell. he watches anime too and tbh probably a lot of anime i’ve never seen like naruto, one piece, and cowboy bebop. for my sanity please don’t talk to much about them with him bc i won’t know what to write.

loves to skateboard and snowboard, and is pretty good at it because really the main thing is confidence and he has plenty of that! 

loves to play pranks in class or on people, he’s got a whole repertoire of tricks he used to play on his nannies growing up and has no issue with playing them on a teacher with a stick up their ass

his primary coping mechanisms are 1) hating his father 2) cocaine and 3) acting stupid 

is bisexual and honestly doesn’t give a fuck! guys, girls, whatever, sex is sex and he’s gonna like who he likes. has never come out to his parents but has never known them well enough for it to matter. 

had a steady long term girlfriend but she broke up with him when he started to tank his future and started partying more, probably as self-preservation for herself and ricky feels guilty about how he treated her, doesn’t want to put anyone else through that

really likes german cars so it’s a bummer that he missed out on the berlin trip, he’s going to geek out and cry any time someone mentions berlin to him, he’ll be so jealous of their semester

has wicked good eyesight, 20/20 vision which is great on the track but he also has really good aim on a shooting range, he’s a pretty observant person as well 

WANTED CONNECTIONS.

BROTHERHOOD CONNECTIONS. Someone who also had someone close to them (likely a family member) that was also arrested for being involved with the Brotherhood by the strike team. Both Ricky and your muse are dealing with the shock of this together. 

FAN? SOMEONE WHO FOLLOWS RACING? Someone who watched Ricky’s rise and fall from grace by being invested in F1. It would make sense if they were a big fan of Ricky’s grandfather...and Ricky is the disappointment. Idk someone with predisposed opinions on Ricky. 

PARTNER IN CRIME. The two of them just vibe like immediately they both have the same chaotic energy and encourage each other’s recklessness to take chances and do stupid shit, are probably hilarious and can’t take anything seriously when they’re in the same room together, the kind of friends that other people can’t stand to see them together.

WHOLESOME FWB. They get along really well as friends and mainly just need to scratch an itch sometimes. None of that toxic shit, they probably lay around and talk about their crushes and are actually friends.

CONFIDANT. Late night rooftop conversations, this person can get Ricky to open up, is probably someone who is really chatty and comfortable with their own emotions and they encourage Ricky to be open about his. 

INFATUATION. Ricky doesn’t know your muse at all, just sees them in the hallway and thinks they’re super hot, probably an older and unattainable student that wouldn’t give him a second glance but he’s like...this is my future spouse. They just don’t know I exist. Has never talked to them and they might not even vibe if they ever spoke lol. 

ENEMIES? They simply don’t! Get along? Hate at first sight? They see Ricky smoking a blunt on campus and think he’s stupid irresponsible? He doesn’t remember their name when he should have? He makes a stupid immature comment that rubs your muse the wrong way? Any of the above, ready to fight at any moment. 

RACING BUDDIES. Another driver’s ed student who is willing to race with him after hours or practice together, they both wanna fuck the cars, they both are super competitive and bring that out in each other. 

OLD FAMILY FRIENDS. Their parents knew one another, likely on his dad’s (Blackthorne/spy) side, and they grew up closely. After the kidnapping happened, your character’s parent stopped speaking to the Alonsos and distanced themselves. Your character is probably the only one who knows about that part of Ricky’s past in any detail. 

GOT OFF ON THE WRONG FOOT. Ricky tried to flirt with your character but actually wound up pissing them off by seeming like an entitled white boy, which he is. He’s trying to prove to your character that he’s not so bad! This connection has nothing to do with feet I just had no better ideas for a name I hate feet. 

REALLY BAD SEX. your muse has ricky saved in their phone like [link]...prob a hookup that happens on one of the first days after he heard about his dad but...he’s fucked up and sad and he can’t get it up! It’s literally so embarrassing, maybe they’re both embarrassed, he wants to die when he sees ur muse around bc they saw his limp ass sad boy dick.

CAT AND MOUSE TYPE THING. essentially ricky has a bunch of attempts to flirt with your muse & your muse fucking hates it. Tom and jerry but like, if tom wanted to fuck jerry. I think of this gifset. 

#gallagher:intro

[odanurr87]

Flash Review: What’s Wrong With Secretary Kim?

Park Seo-Joon as Lee Young-Joon, and Park Min-Young as Kim Mi-So.

Release date: June 6 - July 26, 2018

Episodes: 16

Available on: Viki

Summary: Lee Young-Joon is the Vice Chairman of the YumYung Group, a large corporation and the family business. He’s smart, successful, and supremely confident to the point of narcissism. Kim Mi-So has been his secretary for the past nine years, proving herself to be extremely efficient in the execution of her duties and the only person who can keep up with his ego and intellect, anticipating her boss’ will and seeing it carried out. One day, out of the blue, Kim Mi-So announces she has decided to quit her job and start a new chapter in her life, what takes Young-Joon entirely by surprise. This event forces the two to review their relationship, as Young-Joon realises he doesn’t want to let her go, and Mi-So starts seeing other sides of her boss’ personality as she realises he might have feelings for her. As this is a kdrama, the return of Young-Joon’s hated older brother, Lee Seong-Yeon, complicates matters when he suddenly enters Mi-So’s life, turning himself into a rival romantic interest. Meanwhile, Mi-So starts looking into an old kidnapping case connected to the two brothers.

What I liked:

The pacing and execution of the romantic relationship. One of my main complaints when I reviewed The Secret Life of my Secretary (TSLS for short) was that I felt that show took too long to develop the relationship between the boss and his secretary, dragging the deception more than it should have, and even when the leads eventually admit they have feelings for each other, 24 episodes in, it didn’t quite feel believable and the wrap up felt a bit rushed. The Vice Chairman and Secretary Kim manage to get there by Episode 8, selling it every step of the way, giving us another eight episodes to see how their relationship progresses and concludes. Romantic misunderstandings, that staple of most romcoms, are thankfully kept to a minimum, something I was extremely grateful for. For instance, when the beginning of one such misunderstanding rears its ugly head at the end of Episode 8, Secretary Kim doesn’t waste a second to clear the air with the Vice Chairman and declare her feelings for him, marking the beginning of their romantic relationship. They still have their disagreements (Secretary Kim is definitely not a pushover) and face their share of obstacles and objections to their relationship; we see how their relationship plays out in the workplace, sometimes with hilarious results (Mi-So can be very protective of her boyfriend!); we’re treated to the expected bouts of jealousy from the two leads, the apparently required drunk scenes, etc. In short, it’s what you’d expect from a good Hollywood romcom but longer.

The absence of the “family member X trying to usurp power from the lead brother” trope. So refreshing to do away with this trope every once in a while. You will find no evil conspiracy here directed at any of the leads, a staple of kdramas where a chaebol’s involved, giving us more time to explore the relationship between the Vice Chairman and Secretary Kim, which is frankly what this show is all about. We still have that jerk relative that shows up to cause trouble, but he’s mostly harmless. I will address this plot in the next section.

The humor. The humor in this show is comprised of four elements, which I’ll proceed to highlight in bold. If you’ve watched the show, perhaps the first thing that comes to mind is Kang Ki-Young, who plays Young-Joon’s best friend, councilor, and president of the Yumyung Group, Park Yoo-Sik, as he does a fantastic job providing comic relief, taking advantage of the fact that he’s the only person who can make fun of Young-Joon and get away with it. I particularly liked his interactions with his clumsy and forgetful secretary, a pairing many viewers shipped. While I was taken aback by how much I liked him in Bring it on, Ghost, I was definitely less surprised to see what a great job he did here. Easily the best supporting character in the show. However, I feel Park Min-Young’s Kim Mi-So gives him a run for his money, not for being a prankster but because of how she reacts in any number of situations (as does Yoo-Sik), from trying to hide her boyfriend from her sisters, through punching a stuffed cow to make room for her virtual boyfriend, to trying to suppress her feelings of jealousy when faced with the prospect of having a rival for Young-Joon’s affection. You could call it situational humor perhaps, but seeing Mi-So’s facial expressions and her demeanor in these situations is priceless. These two are not the only actors/characters who partake in the show’s humor, but I believe they’re the standouts. Next on the list are the show’s well-placed sound effects, from weather effects to animal sounds, which really bring out the humor in certain situations. The sound effects in this show are 100% on point. Last but not least is the inclusion of a certain animated devil who pops up from time to time when Young-Joon or Mi-So are having lewd thoughts. As Young-Joon says at one point, “Fighting!”

Secretary Kim’s many facial expressions. Pity the sound effect wasn’t timed right in this scene.

What I didn’t like:

The older brother and the execution of his storyline. Perhaps I am less inclined to like his character because I initially watched the episodes out of order. During the first few episodes, Young-Joon’s brother, Seong-Yeon, clearly appears as the more likable of the two, returning home after years abroad, ready to make amends, only to find a brother who has nothing but contempt for him and a family who still favours Young-Joon. One should sympathize with him under the circumstances. However, for my part, Seong-Yeon showed his true colors even before he regained his memories. As I mentioned earlier, his return also results in the two brothers holding an undeclared contest for Mi-So’s affections, with Seong-Yeon believing he has the upper hand because of a past connection with her. When Seong-Yeon boasts how he’s going to exploit this connection to get her that was the moment I went, “This dude’s an asshole. He’s really going to exploit a painful memory simply to one up his brother.” Young-Joon, on the other hand, was actually doing his best to protect Mi-So from it, even at the risk of losing her. However, beyond Seong-Yeon’s likeability as a character, from a narrative standpoint, I just can’t believe the two brothers haven’t settled their score after two decades. Further, his transformation from jerk to good brother after he regains his memories seemed a little rushed, a little forced, with some scenes seemingly set up to cast him in a more favourable light. I have my strong doubts that someone who’s experienced that kind of mental trauma would make such a recovery in such a short amount of time (days? weeks?). Ultimately, he came across more as a plot device than a character.

How the parents handled the kidnapping. Letting your kids believe a lie for decades is not the way you handle a traumatic experience! It strikes me as unbelievable, irresponsible, and utterly reproachable, that the parents would rather scar their children for life than send them to therapy, especially when time proved that the lie had not improved the brothers’ relationship and possibly made it worse. There’s also some inconsistency with the character of the mother, who at one point looks to Mi-So to take care of Young-Joon, hinting she knows of their relationship, only for her to later ask Young-Joon not to date Mi-So because that would make Seong-Yeon unhappy. The gall of this woman. Fortunately, Seong-Yeon intervenes (this is the favourable light scene I mentioned earlier), as the mother was about to make yet another parenting mistake. I’m also slightly skeptical she didn’t figure out the truth behind the kidnapping earlier, specifically, the moment Mi-So’s involvement is revealed, a secretary Young-Joon personally selected over more qualified candidates. It’s a relatively minor detail though.

OTP: Damn, these two can kiss! If that’s not chemistry, I don’t know what is. Every moment these two are together is just perfect. I’ll admit I disliked Young-Joon’s unhealthy possessiveness, but I understand this was a conscious choice to show how much his character changes as a result of his love for Mi-So, eventually willing to let her go and choose a new path. I know some people disapproved of Mi-So’s decision to stay as Young-Joon’s secretary, seeing it as a regression and arguing she should try something new, but I disagree. At the end of the day, what’s important is that Mi-So is no longer pressured by circumstance to follow a path but is now finally able to decide for herself knowing she has someone in her life who will support her regardless. I’d question the timing of her decision but not the decision itself. She can always quit later. I also appreciated this show wasn’t afraid of showing the two characters actually tie the knot. Makes for a good change of pace.

Verdict: Initially, I dropped this show like a bomb in the middle of the first episode, as the thought of having a hardcore narcissistic boss as one of the leads did not appeal to me one bit, and having just finished watching the disappointing The Secret Life of my Secretary I really didn’t want to waste much more of my time on a show that promised to be similar. I was utterly wrong, as it turned out. What’s Wrong With Secretary Kim? is a great office romcom, with Park Seo-Joon and Park Min-Young easily delivering on the romance and the comedy, aided by Kang Ki-Young and a solid supporting cast. This is an easy recommendation and definitely worth watching multiple times.

Rewatch meter: High

#kdrama #kdramas #what's wrong with secretary kim #park seo joon #park min young #kang ki young #review

[whocalledhimannux]

TBATD Chapter 21 Note

~spoilers abound~

So here’s the thing about this ending:

I’ve had it planned from, essentially, the moment I came up with this AU.

I’ve been second-guessing it since that moment.

My personal struggle with this chapter (and, to some extent, the previous three) is because the focus of the plot shifts somewhat--for most of the fic we’ve been firmly with Katara, on how she adjusts to her life in the Fire Nation and her relationship with Zuko. And now the culmination of the plot is essentially on Zuko becoming Fire Lord and Aang becoming the Avatar--which, to be fair, is what happens in canon, too. In my version, Katara also doesn’t technically win her fight with Azula. And up until literally five hours ago, she didn’t fight Azula, because I assumed that Aang would go into the Avatar state in a rage the moment Katara was threatened with lightning, and I was concerned that reducing Katara to a healing role was kinda sexist. Then my dumb ass remembered that I established earlier in the fic that Aang actually does have legit control over the Avatar state in my fic because he’s been working on it for ~two years and it’s totally fine for Katara and Azula to have more back-and-forth until Aang decides to step in.

SO. My worries about internalized sexism have been somewhat assuaged, but I had already written out a shit-ton of meta about this ending so I’m just going to keep at it. Basically I dithered over this for months, but the fundamental ending never actually changed. Every time I tried to think of alternate endings, I came back to the real catalyst for this fic, which is Iroh’s insight from The Old Masters: 

Even if I did defeat Ozai--and I don’t know that I could--it would be the wrong way to end the war. History would see it as just more senseless violence, a brother killing a brother to grab power. The only way for this war to end peacefully is for the Avatar to defeat the Fire Lord…Someone new must take the throne. An idealist with a pure heart and unquestionable honor.

I mentioned this way back in my first chapter note; when I sat down to write this fic, I decided I wanted to change the established world as little as possible. I wanted Katara and Zuko to have all of the issues with each other they had in canon. I wanted the essential position of the Fire Nation and the South Pole to be the same. I wanted their friendships and familial relationships to be the same. I even tried to keep Zuko’s field trips! And I wanted Iroh to still be right about the politics of this slightly altered world.

Throughout the fic, I’ve touched on the ramifications of Iroh’s decision to kill his brother, in his relationship with Zuko, in Azula’s response (albeit hidden until like… now), in the Earth Kingdom and Water Tribes’ perception of the Fire Nation, and a little bit in the Fire Nation’s perception of him as a ruler. Basically, he’s not trusted, nationally or internationally. And while Katara is, in my canon, very very well-liked, there are still some political limitations for her as a princess. So she can’t fix it until she’s Fire Lady--and she can’t be Fire Lady until her husband is the Fire Lord. Hence, Zuko becoming the Fire Lord takes a little bit of the focus in these later chapters.

Annnnnd then we get to the other part of Iroh’s statement, which is that the Avatar needs to be the one to end the war. Yeah. I think, if anything, that’s even more true in my fic than in canon. Think about it from the POV of, say, an Earth Kingdom general: “So, you’re telling me that they’ve had five Fire Lords in the last ~10 years, the first one died under mysterious circumstances after conveniently elevating his second son to the throne, the second one was killed extrajudicially by his brother, the third one was also accused of killing his nephew and abdicated to the fourth, who was then accused of being behind aforementioned assassination and was then usurped by the fifth one in a brawl that’s apparently totally legal by their standards… and I’m supposed to trust these people to be my friends?”

Somehow, I can’t see that working out. But the Avatar stabilizes things. The Avatar brings balance to the world, and is a neutral third party who can truly broker the peace… if and only if the people recognize his authority. Aang, in the world of this fic, disappeared for a hundred years, came back, died, came back again, and has been dicking around for two years while the adults solved all the problems. In canon, the world needed Zuko to be a good Fire Lord and Aang to be a fully realized and respected Avatar in order to achieve a true peace, and I felt that this fic needed those two things too.

I know that, since Aang didn’t appear for a big chunk of this fic, it might seem like a bit of a cop-out, but… I always felt energybending was a bit of a cop-out in canon, too. Sure, it makes sense when you know the broader context, but there was verrrrry little foreshadowing in the show itself prior to the series finale–and least for this fic you had the foreshadowing of canon!

Yes, that does mean that Katara doesn’t WIN-win the agni kai in this fic, but tbh I don’t know if she has to? Something I appreciate about Katara’s growth in the show is that, in Book One, her waterbending abilities and her access to combat instruction are really her main hangups… and then they’re not. From Book Two on, she is recognized as an unquestionable waterbending master and one of the most competent benders in the world, and she feels comfortable in that role--her conflict in the remainder of the show is more about her personal relationships and her “dark side,” so to speak.

The agni kai is a fitting end for her storyline in canon because it happens during the comet, when she should be at a massive disadvantage. Take that away, and like… yeah, Katara beat somebody. What else is new? I don’t think she has to prove her worth in this universe. She’s been living in the Fire Nation, which is comfortable with female fighters and doesn’t assume she’s weak… and she’s been earning a reputation as a total BAMF for the last couple of months.

Katara’s conflicts in this fic have been on those other insecurities: whether bloodbending is wrong, if her anger or resentment are justified, how she fits into this new home, how she connects with her old one, her relationship with Zuko. So the fact that she has showed up, that she’s publicly defended the nation, that she risked her life to save Zuko, those are all things she gets “credit” towards and things that wrap up her main character growth. Katara ending this fic as an incredibly popular Fire Lady with a strong, stable marriage is a win from my perspective.

BONUS: this was my favorite ending for Azula.. I am working on a follow-up fic that will follow Azula. I’ll be upfront with y’all in saying that it is not finished and will not be up for a few months, at LEAST. (The reason I was able to update this fic every two/three days is because I spent four months writing it w/o posting a word.) I always kind of wished we’d seen Azula’s breakdown drawn out a little more in canon, and I was reeeeaaaaally pissed when I saw how Azula was treated in the beginning of The Search. When I considered Azula’s end in this fic (and how she might progress in a follow-up fic), I thought long and hard about what rock bottom would really look like for her, specifically what kind of issues she might be dealing with instead of the generic “craziness” that is treated pretty terribly in the comics, and what recovery would look like.

I think being without her firebending is unquestionably Azula’s rock bottom. Her identity as a prodigy means everything to her. From her perspective, she’s never really been loved by her mother or her uncle or Zuko–it’s all been Ozai, and his love has been predicated on her success. In canon, she got a glimpse of how easily Ozai would turn his back on her, and that’s her real breaking point; in this fic, she never got that, so while she has been dealing with grief in a pretty terrible, unhealthy way, her real breaking point is the loss of The Thing that ties her to her father.

But I think that also offers her the best chance for true recovery and redemption, because it strips her of the delusion that she is perfect and untouchable and doesn’t actually need love. Azula defines herself by her success, and what is she without success? She would say nothing; Katara, Zuko, et al, would say you’re still a person, actually, still a human being deserving of respect and love and forgiveness. My version of energybending and recovery is going to be a bit different than how it plays out in LoK, because Selective Death of the Author, and I think her recovery of her bending in my way will parallel her recovery in general quite nicely.

So. that’s a lot of meta for an ending I changed halfway through. I have spent so much time thinking about this fic and it’s truly been a joy, even when it’s been a pain in the ass. Thank you all so much for sticking with me.

#tbatd

[diazevan]

30. Recovery

I. 356 Days Without Peter

It had almost been a year.

Since the Avengers lost, and Thanos won. 

The Titan was dead, that might seem like a victory, but it wasn’t. His death served no purpose. He died the victor, and there was no changing that.

Tony struggled to move on, in the wake of devastation. It hurt to breathe every day, knowing that Peter Parker was gone.

Survivor’s guilt had made itself comfortable, pressed against his chest, slowly suffocating him. He buried his pain deep but made sure he never forgot his ridiculously intelligent, and caring mentee. They say you’re not forgotten until someone speaks your name for the last time, and Tony had a plan, to make sure the universe chorused Peter’s name, until the end of time itself. Tony didn’t sleep much, as unhealthy as that was, it did come in handy with a newborn baby. Morgan Stark.

Since Peter died, Tony felt like life stopped, as if everything around him was frozen in time. He still felt like that, the space Peter left behind would always be there, however, Morgan helped him along. Tony could now feel time passing, but it was slow.  Morgan was three days old, and Tony hated letting her out of his sight, even for a second. He did that with Peter, and before he knew it, the kid was fading away. The fixation was self-deprecating but he couldn’t risk losing her too. Happy was yet to meet Morgan. He’d been in Europe when the big day came, and couldn’t make it back in time. Tony could tell he was upset that he missed such a tremendous event, but he would make up for it.  “He’s here,” Tony whispered, he watched as Happy jumped out of his car and raced up the porch stairs. Morgan was fast asleep in Pepper’s arms, she smiled as Happy opened the front door. “Hey…” Tony went to greet him, but Happy simply handed him a gift bag and hurried over to Pepper. Tony stood in shock, “Um, wait.” He turned, “You know, I hate being handed things.” Happy didn’t give a shit about what Tony was saying, he was too busy cooing over his niece, “Wow.”  Pepper shook her head as she chuckled, “This is Morgan.” Happy grinned, “She’s amazing.” “Hey…” Tony teased, “I’m meant to be the centre of your world, Hogan.” Happy snorted a laugh, “You sure are, boss.” 

Tony narrowed his eyes, “Yeah, that’s likely.” His mouth twitched into a smile as he watched on, he hadn’t seen Happy like this in a long time, not since before they lost Peter. The kid had a knack for finding his way into the heart of those with the coldest exteriors, it took him a while but eventually, he did it with Happy. Happy took Peter’s death hard, even if he didn’t show it. He confessed his guilt, he felt responsible for Peter and wished he had done something that day, to stop Peter from joining the fight. Tony’s curiosity got the best of him, and he reached into the gift bag. His heart leapt up into his throat, as he pulled out a onesie. Not any old boring onesie, but a Spider-Man one, inspired by Peter’s suit.  Tears filled his eyes as he studied it. It was one of the most adorable things he’d ever seen in his life.  “Sorry, I should have warned you…” Happy eased, “I saw it, and could hear the kid telling me to get it…..I mean, he’d kill me if I’d ignored it.” Pepper smiled, with misty-eyes, “It’s beautiful.” Tony blinked away tears, “Yeah.” He wasted no time in charging over and tackling Happy in a hug. Happy let out a wet laugh, as he folded an arm around Tony’s back. This was perfect and was exactly what Tony needed.  He couldn’t save his kid, but he could be damn well sure that they would remember him.  II. 718 days without Peter New York City mourned Peter too. They missed their Friendly Neighbourhood Spider-Man and everything he stood for.  Their love for him sparked a holiday. Spider-Man Day. It was a festival, of sorts; famous bands (or what was left of them) headlined, tickets sold out quickly, and streets were closed across the city.  It was crazy, and Tony knew Peter would freak out if he were around to see it. Morgan’s first birthday happened to fall on the second Spider-Man Day. So, naturally, they took her.  She wore adorable ear defenders, and a new Spider-Man outfit, as she’d outgrown the last. She spent the day, clapping at everything, and happily gurgling at all images of Spider-Man. They found an empty cafe for lunch, because being who they were, they got noticed.  Pepper popped to the toilet, while Tony entertained Morgan. She was yet to say her first word, so they enthusiastically enunciated every word they said, in the hope, it would make it easier for her to pick up. Tony took the Spider-Man plushie he bought for her, she leaned forward in her high chair, she cooed as she held out his hands, “You want it?” He handed it over, “There you go, little miss.” Morgan blew a happy raspberry as she squished the toy, with love, “You like it?” He asked as he bopped her nose, “Me too.” Morgan flung her hands back, over excitedly, the toy fell out of her grasp onto the floor. She leaned down, frantically searching for it. “Oh no…” Tony sighed sympathetically, “Don’t worry, I’ve got…”  “Pee–ty!” Morgan exclaimed urgently as she tried to reach it.  Tony stared at her, with wide-eyes, “You…”  “P…etey!” She chanted again, adamant in her need.  “Um, okay…” Tony stuttered, in disbelief, “I’ve got him.”  He picked up the toy and gave it back to her.  She wrapped her arms around it protectively, the closest she’d ever get to hugging her brother, “Petey…” She said, softly, as she cradled the toy.   “Yeah.” Tony hiccuped, as he brushed his fingers against her cheek, “That’s right, Morguna.” He bent over, kissing her forehead, “You’re brilliant.”  Peter was the subject of many of Morgan’s bedtime stories, so it made sense that his name was her first word, but it tugged at Tony’s heartstrings as she happily chanted it, without a care in the world.  Pepper skipped over, Tony looked up at her, with teary-eyes, “Honey…” She said, worried, “What’s wrong?” Morgan perked up, “Petey!” Pepper’s breath hitched as her focus shifted to their daughter, “Oh.” She knelt, Tony watched as she showered Morgan with praise, he smiled, as he wiped tears away with the back of his hand. Morgan was still too young to realise that Peter was real, not just a fairytale. Right now, Tony was content with him being her hero. III. 1827 days without Peter  Time used to pass by slowly.  However, as Morgan grew, it flew by, in an instant. She’d been a baby one day, and then, suddenly she was four. Tony couldn’t tell where the time had gone. It hadn’t healed the loss of Peter. That hurt was still there. Every day it followed him like a shadow, in everything he did. It was ironic, that Tony been mourning him for longer than he had known him; Peter left an impact, especially on Morgan, even though the pair never met. She idolized him, not only as Spider-Man but as Peter Parker too.  She was mischievous and found her way into rooms, cupboard, places she shouldn’t be. She found a box of Peter’s old stuff, that Tony had saved from his and May’s apartment before it was sold. She loved his punny t-shirts and had started wearing them as pyjamas.  Slowly, she realised that Peter was real, and Tony could tell, she wasn’t far away from wanting to know why she never got to meet him. Morgan’s grief for Peter, would one day marvel Tony’s. He knew Peter, he got to love him, and watch him grow.  Morgan only had stories, and when she reached a certain age, that wouldn’t be enough, and she’d realise what she missed out on. Morgan was charging around, in her Spider-Man jumper, playing her solo edition of ‘Cops and Robbers’ which was basically‘Spider-Man and Robbers.’  She stopped, and climbed up onto the couch, next to Tony. She leaned her head against his bicep as she caught her breath.  “You tired?” He asked as he twiddled his fingers through her hair. She shook her head, as she stared down at the floor. Tony could tell there was something on her mind, “What’s wrong, baby?” She anxiously fumbled with the sleeves of her jumper, “Where’s Petey?” She asked, her voice low as if she were scared to say it. “Oh.” Tony swallowed the dread in his throat, “Come here.” He gently moved her onto his lap, and locked a strong arm around her front, “You know about the blip?” “Yeah. People disappeared…” “They did.” Tony confirmed, as he brushed strands of hair out of her eyes, “You see, Peter was one of those people.” “I know that.” She held out a hand,  “It’s just…where is he?” “Um…” Tony stuttered unsurely, “I don’t know, honey.” She pressed her head against his chest as she looked up at him, “Is he lost?” “Something like that.”

A knowing smile grew on her face, “I have an idea!” She escaped Tony’s grasp, and charged around the room, in a state of joy. 

“Yeah?”  Morgan froze, “I’m gonna ask Santa if he can find him.” Tony kept up appearances, a small smile, not wanting to burst her bubble.  She charged away, in search for paper, to write an early Christmas list. Tony sniffled, as tears spilt down his cheeks. His heart was heavy and he found it impossible to breathe. Morgan could ask Santa for anything, and she was going to ask for something she could never have. IV. The day Peter returned  They did it.  The Avengers achieved the impossible.  They were back, all of them. Everyone they lost.  It took five years, and many sacrifices, but they did it. Tony would admit, he only did it for Peter. He didn’t care if that sounded selfish, screw what anyone else thought. It was true. If Peter had survived, there was no way in hell Tony would have even considered the time heist.  Tony was pushed down to the ground. He flipped around, ready to fight, but the creature looming over him had the upper hand. Then, as if he’d never been gone, Peter webbed the creature up and pulled it back, effortlessly. Scott, as Giant-Man, then squished it, for good measure.  Peter charged over, closing the distance between them. Tony’s heart stopped, and the air was knocked clean from his lungs. He didn’t know to do or say. When you mourn someone, you don’t expect them to come back. There are five stages of grief, but this needed a new definition. A sixth stage, to help those who got their loved ones back after going through the recovery of losing them.  Peter grabbed Tony’s arm and pulled him to his feet, with ease, “Holy cow! You will not believe what’s been going on!” He exclaimed as he held onto Tony’s arm, “Do you remember when we were in space? And I got all dusty? I must’ve passed out, because I woke up, and you were gone.” He rambled, holding out his arm, “But Doctor Strange was there, right? He was like, “It’s been five years. Come on, they need us."” He twirled his hand around, to emphasize his tale, “And then he started doing the yellow sparkly thing that he does all the time.” Tony couldn’t hold back, as much as he loved to hear Peter talk like there was no tomorrow. He moved forward, pulling Peter into a hug, holding him as close as he could.  “What are you doing?” Peter hiccuped, confused. God, this kid would never understand what they’d been through in the wake of losing him. How empty the world was without him in it, “Oh, this is nice.” Tony leaned, to press a kiss against Peter’s cheek, “Mr. Stark?” Tony didn’t give a shit about the battle around them, he had his kid back in his arms. He would take every precaution now, to keep him safe. He would take helicopter parenting to a whole new level. Tony stepped back, to study him. He deactivated the nanotech on his hand, so he could cup Peter’s cheek, “You’re back…” “What?” Peter raised an eyebrow, “You miss me? Tony scoffed a cry, “Oh, kid. You don’t know the half of it.” He tugged him into another hug. He silently thanked the stars, and Natasha Romanoff, for saving his kid.

Also, Morgan, whose seemingly impossible Christmas wish had come true.

V. 34 days since Peter returned Tony thought he was going to die. He put on that gauntlet, knowing that it would destroy him but that didn’t matter. The world was falling apart, and he was the one who had to put it back together.

If he died, he did it for the future of his children. In the knowledge that they’d at least be together.

However, when the prominent smell of hospital disinfectant overwhelmed his nostrils, he realised he’d survived. Wow, he loved it when he did that. Although, he wasn’t sure how he’d managed it, and he probably had more than a few people to thank. 

He blinked his eyes open as ignored the annoying beeping coming from the machines around him. He could hear Rhodey, his friend was closeby, talking outside in the corridor. He was talking to May...that was May's voice. She was back and alive. Tony was spaced, but he could make out a few things; Pepper was fast asleep, with her head rested against the bed, and her hand laid on top of his.  His heart fluttered, at the sound of familiar snoring that came from the other side of the room. A sound that he hadn’t heard in five years.

He turned and saw something he never thought he would.  Peter was fast asleep on the couch in the corner, and curled up, rested in his arms, was Morgan. They were together, it was real.  Tony smiled, knowing this marked the day, where his life truly began. 

#liberty's writing #whumptober2019 #no.30 #recovery #irondad fanfiction #iron dad fiction #tony stark #peter parker #morgan stark #pepper potts #iron fam #iron family #endgame au #tony lives au #infinity war

[alwaysanotherrainbow]

The 77th Feedback Loop

Ships: pining remrom (Remus), pining thomceit (Deceit), platonic demus. The prior two are here as backstory/background information. Warnings: past/current eating disorder (Remus), past alcoholism (Deceit), discussion of the former two, extended discussion of recovery, ventfic, swearing, typical Remus violent statements

Remus and Deceit have always supported each other. Tonight is no different.

notes: This was meant to be a prologue for a fic, but once the plot changed, the context became much different. This has little relation to that fic anymore. Regular content is coming soon.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------Remus rocked a crimson sash back and forth in his hands. He barely noticed when the soft fabric of a glove made contact with the back of his hand, but when the sash was tucked back into its drawer, his eyes slid open.

Deceit stood, cloaked in shadow and dappled half-light. The warm rays like sunshine spilled from the lamp on the table, but it wasn’t enough to conquer the darkness in the room. It was reflex to check the way that he walked over to the bed, but he didn’t sway at all, and when he spoke, it wasn’t with the strange warmth that seeped in when he was drinking.

“Thanks,” Remus said. “How long was I…?”

“A good three minutes. The door was open, so I hope it’s okay.”

“If the door’s open, you can come in, rattlesnake. Tough night for you, too?”

Deceit nodded. “The others are celebrating, which means alcohol, so I decided I wouldn’t stick around that scene.”

Remus groaned. “Damn it. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s all right,” he said. He couldn’t tell whether it was Liespeak or not. “How’s the book going?”

“Stopped working on it for tonight. Too much stuff in there.” He smiled and walked to sit next to him before stopping in his tracks. “Wait. Aren’t you meant to go to therapy with Emile today?”

He frowned. “Yes, but I cancelled.”

“Deceit!”

“Seriously, who on Earth wants to hear me ramble? that’s got to get old at some point.”

“The entire point is so that you can talk about whatever you want so that you can feel better!” Remus groaned. “You’re the self-care guy, silly. Why not take care of yourself?”

He shrugged.

Remus sighed and sat next to him. “Look, you had a close call today, so what? You didn’t. And even if you did, I wouldn’t be mad, just a bit sad, that’s all, because you deserve to feel better.”

Deceit nodded.

It was ridiculous to still be craving that night, right? When he was pleasantly drunk (before his tolerance built up, back when there could be enough), when Thomas was gazing at him as if he made and saved the world. Everything was perfect. It was such an indescribable high, calm coursing through him as it had never done so before. The warmth next to him could masquerade as Thomas in his baser thoughts, but—

There’s a person right next to you that needs you, Deceit. Don’t be so horrible.

Besides, he wasn’t ready to put himself through that again. If he slipped up, he might not get back up, and he’d have to start at the beginning because no way in hell was he staying there. Detox was horrible, but the idea of staying where he was before?

Yes, that was way worse.

That was why he had to take good care of himself, he reminded himself. If for no-one else, for Thomas.

Remus wrapped him into a hug, which he accepted gracefully as they leaned back onto the bed.

Looking over Remus’ shoulder, Deceit noticed a framed picture of Roman.

It was actually a pretty standard photograph. Did Remus see him the way that Deceit saw Thomas? Did features that most people call ‘plain’ suddenly appear as exquisite as if crafted by Pygmalion? Even holding him, Deceit could tell that the Duke was clearly lovesick.

“Do you ever worry,” started Deceit before freezing. “Nevermind, it’s not a very good question.”

“Ask away! It’s okay! Hey, a rhyme! I’m becoming Dr. Seuss!”

Deceit smiled, lightly tapping Remus on the head with a cylindrical pillow. “We’ve got ourselves a poet, have we?”

Remus shrieked with laughter. After they had tired themselves out with giggling, the question came back into play.

“Do you ever worry that you’re too far gone?” Deceit managed to say. “Like you’ve just fucked up your chance to get better, and you’re just gonna stay this way forever?”

Remus made a soft noise of agreement. “That doesn’t mean it’s true, though. Lots of people get better! The worry still fucks with me sometimes, but hey, if they can do it, no good reason why I can’t.”

“I know, I just feel like it’s a bit late for me to get better. I can’t forgive myself for taking this long with it..”

“Want an anecdote? I mean, I know our problems aren’t exactly alike, but—”

“No, anecdotes are fine.”

Remus shrugged. “Personally? I can’t worry about that. I just need to think ‘hey! I’m here, so best assume that means it’s not too late’. Besides,” and here he moved his hand to Deceit’s shoulder, “remember what you told me?”

“Glad to see we’re getting even more specific, Creativity.”

He stuck out his tongue. “I meant by the camellia gardens.”

“Which—? Oh. You mean… you mean that?”

Deceit remembered. He remembered the feel of Remus’ hand. He remembered the horrible things that he said about himself, and how he berated mind and body alike. Deceit had helped him clean up the wrappers, held his hands (without any gloves!), given him a handkerchief to wipe his tears away with, and said:

“I told you that ‘forgiving yourself is an important step to recovering from any unhealthy behavioral pattern’, and that ‘recovery is self-love’,” he said softly.

“There we go!” Remus smiled. “Not too shabby. No-one needs ol’ Logan to tell you that reaching out at all is super brave! Braver than fighting a horde of many-eyed three-legged alien dogs! With a crowbar..”

“You still remember when I said that?”

“Don’t think I could ever forget it, Deceit.”

“Janus is fine.”

Remus blinked.

Shit. He hadn’t told anyone that name before, right? He opened his mouth to try to say something, but the only thing he could think to do was turn away.

“Your name? Do you prefer it? I can forget about it if you want.”

“...I suppose I do prefer it, it’s just that I didn’t mean to tell you. You can call me by it if you like.” Please call me by it.

Remus smiled. “I’ll remember that! I’ll embroider that onto my soul!”

He laughed before freezing up. “Wait. What time is it?”

“It’s 15:83.”

He was used to translating times from Remus. “That’s 4:23 PM, right? I think I have enough time to reschedule the appointment.”

Remus’ grin only grew wider. “Self-care! Good for you, Janus.”

Janus got up and adjusted his cape. He slipped on his gloves (when had he taken them off?) and was almost out the door when Remus cleared his throat.

“Hey,” he said softly, “today’s been a bad one for me, too, and with everyone else celebrating… whatever it is they’re celebrating… it’s gonna be tough.”

“Oh?”

“Yeah.” The Duke sat up. He was gazing at the ground, swinging his legs off the edge of the bed. “I was wondering if maybe, just to keep each other on track, you could come over after your appointment? I can summon us some popcorn, you can have your soda, we can make a night of it?”

Deceit smiled. “I’d love that.”

#thomceit angst #my fics #tw alcoholism #tw ed #kinda a vent fic #getting back into writing #sorry if it's too ooc #remrom mention

[justrednow]

American Idiot (movie)

LaNow I love the musical and I love both albums featured. I’m hoping that’s the plot of the movie that I believe is being produced. But also like, I’d be down for some bat shit crazy stuff a la Pink Floyd: The Wall. But you know what’d I’d be really down for. 

No one asked for this. I’m aware.

American Idiot: So, we open on good ol’ perfect Jingletown and meet the perfect town and all its hidden horror. We get to see a good amount of repetitive time pass. Seeing the struggles of the working class of America. Theres a focus on the younger generation being strung along in their parents problems. 

As the song comes ot an end, or vamps under Idk, we meet our boy Johnny. Who in my opinion should be far more like the average vague age youth. He doesn’t know who he is and we meet his ex-underground rock band dad who is kinda an asshole. but he loves his wife, and probably loves his sons. We also meet Johnny’s brother who is just back from rehab. The pair make up everything Johnny doesn’t want to be.  

Jesus of Suburbia I-III: Johnny meets up with his friends at the 7/11 and lament about life while drinking stolen beer. Johnny talks about how much he wants to run away and find his true origins in the nitty gritty of a big city and wants to know true pain. Will complains about being a part of a military family and his parents divorice, and how none of them will ever fight for their country. Tunny reveals that he brought his family bible to burn, but is reluctant to do so. He too is struggling to know who he is, but says nothing. The group is chased out of the back lot by the manager of the 7/11. 

Jesus of Suburbia IV-V: Back in Will’s empty house Heather is waiting, revealing how she’s been trying to get Will’s attention. She is once again ignored when Johnny tells the group how he scored tickets to a concert in the “big city”. This is his plan to run away and never look back, he encourages the others to come with him. Heather gives Will a positive pregnancy test, in an attempt to break up with him. instead he elects to stay home, in protest of his own broken home. 

Tunny and Johnny refuse to change their plan, unable to understand how Will can have a light at the end of the tunnel. They argue as the two get on the bus to leave. Johnny tells Tunny he forgot to tell his mom that he was leaving. 

Holiday: In the big city the pair burst into their new life. They come alive at the concert and bond with a group of anti-war protesters. Whatsername catches the eye of Johnny, but he chickens out of talking with her. They join the protesters march on a government building after the concert, watching as one of the protesters leads with a speech on the steps. He is everything Johnny wants to be. After the police arrive and the peaceful protest is broken up the pair are invited back to the home, an abandon building, of a group of protesters.

Boulevard of Broken Dreams: Johnny tells the group his and Tunny’s story, capturing the attention of Whatsername who appears to have a similar story. Johnny gains confidence as he finds that these are his people. The Big City is somehow everything Johnny thought it would be, dark and gritty. Whatsername introduces herself to Johnny but he misses her name. Sparks are flying folks. 

Tunny begins to feel left out of the party, realizing this is not what he wanted.  

Favorite Son: Tunny turns on the old TV in the place. He finds an old VHS playing of an 80s propaganda cartoon. He falls victim to the glamorous lifestyle of Favorite Son. He is drawn to the effortless power in the military life style, loving the danger and reward. He falls in love with the idea of being a hero for his people. Johnny joins him when everyone else has gone away.

Are We The Waiting: Tunny explains to Johnny his dreams of a better world. He thinks about Will, who is still at home trying to enjoy his future fatherhood. Heather, who is still trying to gather the courage to leave Will as she wants what’s best for her child but isn’t in love with him. Johnny, who is stuck in his new dream. 

Tunny, the next morning, enlists in the Army and finds that he will be shipped out within the week.

St. Jimmy: Johnny, angry at Tunny, meets a new best friend who has come to visit the squatter city.  St. Jimmy is the hard core punk god Johnny has been waiting for. He is a drug dealer with everything. Johnny shoots up for the first time with another group. St. jimmy openly welcomes him to his new lifestyle of getting everything you want. Almost everyone loves him, they worship him.

Little Girl: St. Jimmy tries to target Whatsername, as she tries to convice Johnny not to fall into the hands of drugs. 

Give Me Novacaine: Back in Jingletown Will tries to cope with Heathers decision to leave him and to keep their soon to be born child. In Johnny’s home his mother cries as she learns that he has run away. His father seems to be happy about it and tries to convince her it was just his time to fly the coop. Seeing this isn’t helping, he vows to find their son. 

Tunny is finally getting a piece of the action, he gets a huge piece in his thigh and is carried off of the field. 

Johnny has been recieving letters from his friends and burns them, quickly stopped by Whatsername who shows him another way of life. 

She’s a Rebel/ Last of The American Girls: Whatsername tells Johnny her true story and how she plots to lead a riot against discrimination against the poor. She brings him to homeless shelters where she volunteers and to protest concerts. Johnny eagerly writes to his friends about his new love. Will gets a good laugh over it. St. Jimmy, who is more or less real, has begun to feel ignored and starts spilling lies about Whatsername that Johnny dismisses.

Last Night On Earth: Johnny has never been in love until now. His father finds the ticket packages and gets on the next bus. Whatsername promises Johnny their relationship is more than just lust. Heather has her baby and Will chases her down to the hospital, begging to be allowed to see her. Heather reveals that she broke up with him because of his unhealthy habits to her nurse, Johnny’s mother. Heather promises she will never let anyone hurt her child and from outside the door Will promises the same. 

Johnny writes his first letter back home.

To Much To Soon: Finally back home, Will finally confronts Heather on her judgment of the past he left behind for her. Heather challenges how Will copes with stress and how it will effect their child's life. Heather decides if he is going to keep chasing her, she’s running away for good. She takes the baby with her. 

Before Lobotomy I/ Extrodinary Girl: Tunny is left alone during his recovery, finally receiving the letters his friends have sent him. The other injured soldiers in infirmary cry for their families left behind and why they join the fight to begin with. Tunny gets a new perspective on the war. He meets his nurse, the first person to provide him any comfort during this time and tends to his wounds. He quickly falls in love with her and has dreams about being Favorite Son saving the distressed princess from the evil bad guys. She tries to pull him out of the fantasy as it becomes more dangerous and the two bond over war trauma. They share a heat of the moment kiss

Before Lobotomy II: Tunny is sent home due to having his leg amputated. He takes his nurse with him, as they have fallen in love. He wishes his war buddies luck, and says farewell to the ones dying. 

When It’s Time:  Johnny writes a letter to Whatsername about his feelings for her and how he doesn’t know what he’d do without her. She showed him what pain can look like. For once he isn’t lost. 

St. Jimmy rips up the letter and burns it when Johnny’s back is turned.

Know Your Enemy: St. Jimmy tries to coax Johnny into doing harsher drugs, the only thing stopping Johnny from following him is Whatsername. So Jimmy convinces Johnny that she’s been manipulating him into believeing her stories and that he needs the drugs to cope with his own pain. Whatsername tries to get Johnny’s attention and is confronted with Johnny minimizing her pain in exchange for his own.

21 Guns: Whatsername finally takes the needles and pills from Johnny and shares her full story of being abused and being a victim of the streets. She begs him to listen to her and know that he doesn’t have to keep fighting. Johnny tries to listen to her but St. Jimmy lingers. 

Will finally gives into Heathers wishes and steals beer from a store. While drinking he realizes this is what she was talking about. He pours it all out. He finds out Tunny is home and commits to helping him.

Johnny’s father searches the city, he can’t stop thinking how pointless this is.

Johnny tries too convince Whatsername he feels her pain, which is why he needs St. Jimmy. Frustrated she shows him how ridiculous he is, he left a caring family and friend behind to seek out pain. 

Letterbomb: Finally done with Johnny’s shit, though she might still love him, Whatsername shows Johnny what fire looks like. She cries for the real heroes that fought for real change, not try hards just looking for a new outlet of self pity. She reveals that St. Jimmy was never real. She lets Johnny know that he isn’t the Jesus of Suburbia. If it isn’t obvious, Whatsername is the jesus of suburbia. Johnny helplessly watches as the love of his life leaves. Whatsername destroys all the pills before hopping the next bus out of the city.

When September Ends: Johnny’s father finds Johnny crying on the steps of a church. Father reveals how proud of Johnny he is. He tells Johnny about how angry he was when he was and how he just needed to find himself, which is what he assumes Johnny is doing. 

Tunny finds out many of his war buddies haven’t made it back home and never will. He cries to his nurse who promises nothing bad will happen to them.

Will thinks over how he let everyone he had slip away from him.

Johnnys mother calls her husband only to find out that Johnny will not be coming home just yet. Father heads back to Jingletown. 

Johnny thinks over how much he hated being anything like his father and now realizes that is truly who he wanted to be. he is shocked to think that his father ever loved him and wishes he would have shown it better. 

Homecoming I: Johnny packs his bag and prepares to go back home as he is the only one left. Its been a while since he and his fathers talk. He is unsure of where to go next. St. Jimmy has been in and out of his life anytime he thinks about everything that he’s learned. St. Jimmy tries one final time to convince Johnny to stay in the city. There is nothing in Jingle Town for him. Johnny appears to try and commit suicide but instead the bullet kills St. Jimmy in a rather comic way. Johnny truly has nothing left now. 

Homecoming II: Johnny reveals what the world could have for him, working a desk job with a boring wife. He hates what he sees and tries to convince himself that there is more to life than this image. 

Homecoming III: Tunny is living a dull life at home, trying to get a job but struggling due to his amputation. He wishes to be released as the nurse has got a new job and works to support them. 

Will is still crying to himself and finally decides he’s had enough

Homecoming IV: Heather is back in town to visit her parents with her new fiance and the baby. She meets up with Will, flaunting how rad her new man is. Will fails to see how he failed in comparison. Heather gives the baby to Will, loving her new life more. She wanted what was best for her baby and she could never provide that.

Homecoming V: At the 7/11 Johnny hops off the bus and finds that his friends are waiting for him. He drops his bags and runs into their arms. They share the stories of their adventures and how they never realized what they had here in Jingletown was what the needed, real cliche. Johnny reunites with his family and forgives his father. Tunny gets a job with his girlfriend in the hospital as a receptionist and a speaker. He has found his purpose. Johnny helps Will set up his house for the baby, admitting that he misses the people in the city.

Whatsername:  Johnny works as a music teacher in the school fifteen years down the line. While in a school recital he thinks he sees Whatsername in the crowd, but it’s someone else. When he gets back to his new house he pulls out his old guitar case and looks through all the memorabilia of his big adventure all those years ago. The thing he misses the most is Whatsername, the girl who he couldn’t even remember her name. 

anyways no one asked for that and I’m sorry but that was fun and I will probably do it again with a musical few people like. 

#American Idiot #movie #musical #broadway #green day

[magic-owl]

EXTREMELY personal rant I will delete later i just need to scream into the void ignore this please

What up I'm terrified of the gigantic courseload I have for school this year and that I'll never be able to complete all of it and I'm going to fail again and disappoint my family and even more, myself

my friend group is falling apart around me and I'm separated from all of it and have to watch it burn from a distance because no one will listen to me or include me in the discussion and I'm out of the loop and hating it

I've finally met a really nice guy who I really see myself being with but also he's implied that at some point he will want sex and also I'm asexual and also that means I'm going to have to learn to either grin and bear it or let him be disappointed and leave because fucking allos literally value fucking sex in a relationship as a higher priority and the biggest dealbreaker than literally anything else and I am not letting an otherwise perfect guy get away again because of that and no I don't WANT to be patient and wait for the perfect person who would both make a good partner and I'd find attractive AND would be fine with no sex ever because I don't know how to find them and I suck at finding things regardless and I'll put up with all the disgusting uncomfortable sex in the world if it means I don't have to be alone for the rest of my life

Stress about all of this has toppled my weak recovery from my last mental health crisis I was dealing with all summer and had JUST started to get better so now it's back to hell

All of this is making me too distracted to focus on my writing, and publishing my fic and getting positive reviews is the one thing that makes me happy in life and how sad is that and I can't even answer my old reviews that are piling up because it just makes me feel guilty for not writing and letting those commenters down but also not answering their comments makes me feel like I'm ignoring them which makes me feel worse and ugh I just wish I could actually write what I wanted to write but I can't

I feel like I've only got like a few friends in my fandom that is the only thing that makes me happy sometimes nowadays and that's UNHEALTHY but it really is and I hate feeling like no one else in my fandom either knows me or likes me

On top of that I feel like the few people I do know in fandom are either about to leave because they're sad too or about to leave because they've found a new fandom, or they're nice but I'm too much and they're just gonna leave anyway when they get tired of me

ALL of this is putting me into a stressed, miserable depressed funk and I feel like absolute garbage and literally everything is spinning around my brain a million miles an hour and it's just worse because it's bringing back the garbage funk I had crawled out of before and dumping that on top of the current funk

Oh and also the world is dying and half of my country is living horrible lives and the majority of my country doesn't even want to make things even slightly better or even TRY and we're getting close to just four more years of awfulness

While I'm on a fucking tangent, also, this is my first time in forever using Tumblr desktop and what the actual fuck did they do to the desktop dashboard and posting system it's minimalist as shit, it's impractical and inconvenient as shit, it's just shit in general and I hate it and why can't staff fix their fucking website and let us actually find posts when we search for them instead of this pure minimalistic bullshit

Okay I think I'm good but also yeah I'm just really, really drowning

And there's literally no one I can talk to about this because it would worry my parents (and there's no way I can talk to them about sex stuff or my writing they think is a distraction from education) and my friends are currently a crumbling trashfire and also don't understand my writing and I don't like their answers on my dating issues

So I have to literally scream this all onto the internet because I can pretend people are listening to me because I just need SOMEONE to listen to me and also understand

But also I don't want anyone to read this because it's immensely personal

#and now there's a word limit on Tumblr posts again whoopdie fucking doo i hate this website so much thanks for absolutely nothing #not even the website has time for my bullshit lol