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mishavacado · 3 years

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SPN has so much spinoff potential and so much canon to work with, it's such a waste that none of it's getting used. This post is just all of my spinoff ideas, I'll apologize in advance because it is VERY long.

Wayward Sisters, obviously. There are so many possible storylines to work with, so many stories to tell. I'd really love to see some Charlie, Eileen, or Krissy Chambers cameos. I think that Charlie and Claire would get along really well (just read this post). Rowena is another character that I think could easily be worked into the canon. She could teach the girls all kinds of magic and be the fun wine aunt that spoils the girls on their birthdays. I don't think that Claire would like her very much, but, Rowena and Alex would probably get along just fine. How much I need this in my life: 1000000000000000000000000/10 when I heard that this idea had been tossed out I was so angry. Why doesn't this exist?

Men of Letters prequel that's mostly set in the bunker. This show could really expand on the canon lore and give us some more background on the Men of Letters, as well as any other similar/rival organizations that were around before the main show's time. The Men of Letters have so much story potential for a spin-off; corrupt leadership, new monsters, other organizations, expanding the MoL to outside the U.S. Episodes could be in a monster-of-the-week (MOTW) format, starting and ending with the Man of Letters the case is assigned to making notes in his journal or case file or talking about the case, as well as the overall season arcs. Episodes would be titled by their case number, i.e S1 E1 Case No. 1925-4, etc How much I need this in my life: 1000000/10, the supernatural/historical drama combo would be absolutely stunning.

A series focusing on all of the alternate timelines and universes, both the ones mentioned in the main show and ones just randomly created for an episode. There are infinite possibilities. Each episode would be in a MOTW format, but with different versions of Sam and Dean. The HunterCorp universe, Jared and Jensen from the French Mistake, a universe where their names are switched, a universe where Dean went to college and was the one with the demon blood powers, a universe where they drive a Mustang instead of the Impala, a universe where Sam isn't scared of clowns. I could go on, but I'm going to stop myself here. How much I need this in my life: 9/10 I think it would be pretty funny, but it's not my best idea.

A Bobby and Rufus spin-off where they talk about cases they worked on together or with other hunters, but the stories are told similarly to Tall Tales. It's the same story but told from different points of view depending on who's talking. I wish we'd gotten to see more of Bobby and Rufus because I think those two are hilarious and really think that this could be funny, even if it was just a web series with twenty-minute episodes. How much I need this in my life: 10/10, I love Bobby and Rufus and I think that they have a lot of interesting hunting stories to tell.

GHOSTFACERS GHOSTFACERS GHOSTFACERS. How much I need this in my life: 100000000000000000000000/10, I love the Ghostfacers. That's my whole idea.

A Jack-centric show that's almost a political drama. Jack is the ruler of heaven and is constantly being manipulated by angels, demons, and Death herself. He just wants to make an afterlife paradise, but power-hungry angels won't leave him alone. Remember that Jack is very young and trusting by nature, so there is a lot of potential for disaster if he gets goaded into doing something, like making new universes or ending existing ones. Cas is a main character and he does his best to protect Jack, but he has to be careful to not seem overprotective/like another manipulator or Jack won't trust him either. I have no idea if I'm making any sense, but shoutout to me if I am. For some reason, I've always thought that heaven would be an interesting setting for a spin-off, and those angels are pretty similar to power-hungry politicians. How much I need this in my life: 800/10, I would totally watch this.

A very short series that just destroys the canon finale. Twelve episodes, detailing the storylines that were ignored or destroyed by Carry On. E1: Rescuing Cas from the Empty and he and Dean have a long talk about their ~feelings~. They kiss, and for the first time, Dean’s mind is free of doubt about whether or not anyone could ever love all of him. E2: Eileen returns. She says nothing when she sees Dean and Cas holding hands, just raises her eyebrow and smiles knowingly. Some excellent movie night content. E3: 1 year later. Sam and Eileen’s wedding. Dean and Cas aren’t legally married, but their matching gold rings are very prominently shown. It isn’t mentioned. The wedding is almost canceled because of the rain, but with a wave of Jack’s hand the clouds disappear and the birds start to sing. E4: Sam and Eileen have moved out of the Bunker. Cas finally convinces Dean to downsize, so they find a little house in Lawrence and settle down. Cas works as a special ed teacher. Dean works as a mechanic. Miracle loves the backyard but makes sure to stay away from the beehives in the back corner. E5: Sam and Eileen’s twins, Mary and Maura, are born. Dean and Cas love their nieces, and Jack loves them too. He doesn’t know what to call himself, so they settle on Uncle and call it good. E6: Deaths. They all die old. Cas’s vessel has aged, but he can’t die, so when Dean finally passes away in his sleep, Cas scatters his ashes in the woods and disappears, ascending to heaven, to spend eternity with Dean. The closing scene is a dark screen, with the whoosh of wings and a soft “Hello, Dean.” OK. That was a long one. My apologies. How much I need this in my life: 100000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000000/10. I would reach nerdvana thirty seconds into episode one.

Another spinoff of that idea is just...Dean and Cas living a normal life. Short episodes. Cas goes to the grocery store. Dean drags Cas to a horror movie fan convention. Cas meets a roomba. How much I need this in my life: I can’t type enough zeroes to express it.

Campbell prequel that focuses on Mary and her childhood. Mary being raised as a hunter but not being allowed on hunts. Mary rushing home to finish her chemistry homework so she can help her dad track a nest of vampires moving east. Mary missing her prom to help Samuel on a hunt. Mary trying to keep her real life secret from John, a man she knows loves the parts of her he knows about. Mary always being an outsider, the kindest and most beautiful girl in her class, but so slow to trust and quick to speak that everyone is afraid to be her friend. Mary is a character that has the potential a lot more development, for twelve seasons she’s the burning martyr in every Winchester’s imagined paradise. She deserves more. How much I need this in my life: 11/10, Mary isn’t my favorite character but I would die for her.

Gabriel spin-off. That’s it, that’s the idea. How much I need this in my life: 10000000/10, Gabriel is a character that we don’t know a lot about so there are so many possible directions for a story about him to go.

Show set in the SPN universe that doesn’t really interact with the main show’s canon. It’s about two cops in the 30s that become hunters by accident. After investigating the apparent suicide of a hunter in their small town, they become enthralled by her library, filled with books about ghosts and vampires. They pour over her journals on their own time, fascinated by what they’re reading. They get to know the hunter through her writings, her accounts of her hunts and travels. Eventually, a nest of vampires settles in the town and the two put their newfound knowledge to the test. This show would just be based on canon lore, there wouldn’t be any mention of the Winchesters or other main characters, although a few MoL team-ups is definitely a possibility. The two become quite a team, tracking werewolf backs on bulletin boards in their basements and hoarding rock salt. How much I need this in my life: 89/10, I think this could be really interesting and I am a sucker for historical hunters.

Speaking of historical hunters-Samuel Colt prequel. Cowboys, vampires, cowpires. Hunting in the wild west, galloping across the prairie chasing a pack of werewolves. This show could also tell us a lot about how different types of monsters spread across the U.S. Ghosts will go anywhere people go, but what about vampires? Shapeshifters? Ghouls? What was it like to hunt without technology to help with research? The hunters in this series would be the authors of the journals that modern hunters use every day. They’re the ones that tested tracking and trapping methods. Again, no idea if this is making sense, but I think that a supernatural western would be really awesome and would expand/substantiate the canon lore. How much I need this in my life: 1000000000000000000000000000000/10, I love cowboys and I love Supernatural. This is literally the best thing that could ever happen to me.

Crowley. I want to know more about him. A series that tells us all about Fergus Roderick MacLeod, starting with when he was born in Scotland and ending with his death in All Along the Watchtower. We know that Rowena was his mother, that he was a tailor, that he sold his soul for an extra three inches ~down there~, and that he was a terrible dad. I want to know more about his childhood, about the people he made deals with, about how he became king of the crossroads and of Hell. Crowley was a very interesting character that was abused by the story. I want to know more about him. How much I need this in my life: 10000000000000000000000000000000000000/10, I really do love Crowley and I would watch this a thousand times over.

Final idea: MOTW only. No season arc, no overall storyline. New hunters every episode, from all different times, from over the world. All kinds of monsters. One episode in Victorian England, the next in 1990s Los Angeles. Very few recurring characters, if any. The recurring characters would be the Bobby Singers of the world; the lore guys that you call when you need help. Each new character has their own style, own car, own music, own personality. The show could have some a m a z i n g guest stars because they’d only appear in a few episodes. There are so many possibilities for episodes, even if they weren’t full length. How much I need this in my life: 100000/10, I love MOTW episodes and would really like to get to know the characters. It would be very easy to write one-off fanfics for this show, and also very easy to introduce this show’s characters into Supernatural’s canon.

You made it to the end!!!!!!!! That’s all I have for now. Sorry for writing so much, I just can’t stop thinking about SPN and all of the wasted stories.

#al speaks #spn #spn spin-offs #my ideas #i worked hard on this #big brain time #do you like it?

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yikesola · 5 years

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brain soup that don’t justify their own posts but which i gotta type out anyway for some fuckin reason

it’s literally homophobic to have fathers day in the middle of pride month— who allowed this??

is tony the triop gonna be alive still by the time vidcon rolls round? i haven’t been keeping good tracks of like weeks, but it seems like too long for him. that’ll be a shame— still, what a life. he got to see his dads live their truths😌

my dream job? describing “Little House on the Prairie” episodes in a detailed and humorous podcast

as i was typing this, my cat who is snoozing on my chest, must be having good hunter dreams :’’))) her little paws are going good and she’s got her deep sleep wheeze on!

do y’all ever think about the little dan&phil sign from the tatinof tour bus bedroom door? and get real soft?? and cry????

i read an article in The Stranger a few months ago about the local mall and how it used to have a hospital connected to it in the 1970s and it said the line “Being born in a mall is peak Americana” which i have been unable to forget since

my houseplant died. i’d normally be proud to emulate mr amazing but this one makes me sad

my cat woke up. i hope her dream was good; she gave a great big yawn and stretched then licked my nose and now she’s sportin a lil blep— god i love her

#me talking #thats all from me for now

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junker-town · 4 years

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How sports is Seven Worlds, One Planet: Episode 6?

Kei Nomiyama / Barcroft Media via Getty Images

David Attenborough’s new show is epic ... and sports.

We continue our extremely important mission to conduct a scene-by-scene review of the BBC’s new nature documentary, Seven Worlds, One Planet, in order to see how sports it is. We determined that Episode 1, which focused on Antarctica, was reasonably sports. Asia was very sports, as was South America. Australia was more drinking than sports, and Europe was extremely sports. Now it’s time for ...

Episode 6 North America

Scene 1: The Hare Hunt

Unless you’re either exceptionally lucky or exceptionally cynical in your choice of teams, following sports can be a thoroughly miserable experience. Every year, most teams fail, and they fail in heartbreaking ways. A sports obsession is a form of emotional gambling, and the house tends to win. Why do we do this to ourselves? I think it’s because we have to. Humans are fascinated by games, and, once captivated, it’s difficult to escape.

Sports might be a bad bet, but for many people they’re nourishing in a way that — the efforts of political punditry aside — cannot be found anywhere else. Also, while there’s not much joy in watching your team fail, it’s a lot of fun to watch everyone else’s also fail. Sports are schadenfreude.

Anyway in this scene a lynx repeatedly fails to catch a hare.

I spy with my little eye...a snowshoe hare #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/Y2nCQi8tDe

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) December 1, 2019

I think, if we were somehow turned into wild animals, most of us would choose to be apex predators. Being a prey creature, constantly at risk and having to stay on high alert all the time ... well, that sounds really too stressful. But most hunts end in failure, and barring freakish luck, predators seem hungry all the time, which can’t be any less stressful.

I think the lesson here is not to be a wild animal.

This particular lynx is stalking snowshoe hares in the depth of the Yukon winter. It looks cold, hungry, and miserable, and has to walk hundreds of miles in search for food, and when it finds one the hare just hides in a bush. A second hare also runs away and hides in a bush. Being a hare and getting chased by a lynx can’t be fun, but being a very peevish and hungry lynx would hardly be a good time either.

Aesthetics 10/10

Cats must be nature’s most stylish terrestrial predator. Even the smaller ones, like lynx, move with an instantly-recognisable grace. They’re beautiful creatures, made even lovelier by the pristine snow of the Canadian north.

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Good lynx.

Difficulty 8/10

It’s obviously quite hard to catch a snowshoe hare.

Competitiveness 8/10

Frankly the hares seem to have the lynx overmatched, although the continued existence of any lynx at all implies that the contest is closer than it looks from these scenes.

Overall 26/30

I hope we’ve established that failure is, perhaps, the essence of sport.

Scene 2: Chubby Fish Boys

In Tennessee, a fish is building a fortress. And honestly, it’s pretty impressive:

BBC Earth

This contraption is the responsibility of a male river chub. In early spring, these foot-long fish embark on a quest to breed. The males seek out a quiet section of river in which to build a nest. These structures can get rather elaborate — they’re significantly larger than the fish themselves and can contain up to 7,000 pebbles, all placed by mouth. The males, for some reason, also decide to get much uglier:

What you would see looking out from a microwave. #SevenWorldsOnePlanet #isitready pic.twitter.com/V64RyDcyUo

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) December 1, 2019

Sorry boys, but bloated-foreheads-with-weird-growths is very much not my aesthetic. But my opinion doesn’t much matter to a river chub. What matters is the nest. These rocky piles provide shelter from both current and predators, should a female chub choose to lay her eggs there, and so building the best nest becomes fiercely competitive. Pebble theft is common.

Eventually the lady chubs make their choices, the eggs are laid and fertilised, and a new generation of fish is reared as the Mississippi slowly washes away those hard-build nests.

Aesthetics 1/10

These are some ugly fish and I really don’t like them.

Difficulty 4/10

Granted, it would be more difficult and time consuming without arms, but I imagine I could make a pile of several thousand rocks without too much trouble.

Competitiveness 8/10

Fighting over building materials and doing your best to build a very good nest? It’s a cut-throat chub world.

Overall 13/30

This is architecture. Architecture, while cool, is not sports.

Scene 3: Tidal Bears

Thanks to various quirks of geography, sections of the eastern coast of North America are subject to some of the planet’s highest tides. Tide present opportunities for land animals to harvest the rich bounty of the seas, and there’s no more opportunistic land animal than the bear.

Tidal zones might be rich in food but they’re also disgusting, rank places, with the stench of half-rotten seaweed everywhere. You can almost smell it coming through the screens. But we’ve dealt with the turd penguins, so we’ll forgive this bear family their rancid crab snacks. This is, or so we’re told, the cubs’ first visit to the seaside. They seem to be enjoying it:

A fierce hunter retreats with his starfish catch#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/QjLDxWpig7

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) December 1, 2019

Sibling rivalry...a tale as old as time#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/0zgCE3yKzp

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) December 1, 2019

However! Much like last week in Europe, the baby bears encounter a male whole isn’t their father, and are forced to flee up a tree to avoid his wrath. Fortunately, just like during the Finnish forest scene, nothing too bad happens. The grumpy male bear leaves a scent mark on the tree — how anyone might smell with so much seaweed around is beyond me, but bears have noses many thousands of times more powerful than ours, poor things — and the family skedaddles back to safety.

Aesthetics 5/10

These are some adorable, bears but while I love the seaside I have a visceral reaction to seeing much exposed seaweed. Gross.

Difficulty 8/10

The various climbs the little bears undertake seem sort of difficult, as evidenced by:

He’s beauty and he’s grace, he’s fallen on his face #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/UYONQtceiT

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) December 1, 2019

Did I add this just because it’s cute? Yes, obviously.

Competitiveness 0/10

Despite things threatening to happen, nothing actually happens.

Overall 13/30

A stroll down the beach to munch on some crabs is not sports unless someone actually tries to fight the big bear at the end.

Scene 4: Fireflies

If you’re lucky enough to live in a part of the world inhabited by fireflies, make sure you take advantage of those lazy summer evenings when the temperature is just right to draw them out. The little beetles twinkle in the air like borrowed stars, adding magic wherever they go.

BBC Earth

Since this is nature, of course, the flashing of their lights is basically morse code for “S E X M E P L S”, the sort of neon signs one might imagine populating a red-light district, but the lurid nature of the show hardly takes away from the beauty.

And since, again, this is nature, sometimes the lights are a trap. There are some species of fireflies which have evolved the ability to mimic others species mating signals, using their lights to attract an innocent bug looking for a mate and eating it.

This sequence doesn’t show that degree of aggressive mimicry, but we get an accidental one instead, with fireflies finding themselves glowing postmortem in a spider’s web, which summons more fireflies which etc. It’s a very pretty dinner.

Aesthetics 10/10

Yeah this is an easy call.

Difficulty 7/10

This isn’t talked about at all during the scene, but I really wonder how on Earth individual fireflies manage to cut through the noise of tens of thousands of other fireflies to hone in on potential mates. Is their vision short-ranged enough that most of the lights gets diffused into the background? If you tried to get me to pick a specific firefly out of that video I would not do a very good job.

Competitiveness 7/10

Following on from the last part, I’m slightly baffled as to how fireflies differentiate themselves from their firefly competitors. Many mating rituals have an obvious ‘fitness’ component to them, but I can’t tell here. Is it because the world of coleoptera sex is just too alien for me to comprehend? I hope so. (The spider part gives this zero bonus points because that shit is really just too easy.)

Overall 24/30

If humans could glow, synchronised people-glowing would be an Olympic sport.

Scene 5: The Tale of the Naughty Prairie Dog That Only Listened To Its Mother Sometimes

Once upon a time, there were six little prairie dogs living in a hole in the shadow of the Rocky Mountains. They were good little prairie dogs, or so they thought. They played nicely with each other (sometimes), kept the burrow clean (sometimes) and even listened to their mother (sometimes). They liked their burrow, and had lots of good grass and seats to eat. The six little prairie dogs had a good life.

They were neighbours with a burrowing owl family, and were good friends with their chicks. They didn’t see them very much, because the owls preferred to come out later, but the chicks liked to play almost as much as the prairie dogs and the mother owl wasn’t nearly as strict as the prairie dogs’.

The prairie dogs thought that their mother worried at little bit too much. She insisted that they not go too far from their burrow — the world was “big and dangerous,” she said, and they were small and many creatures might find them tasty. Their mother also forced them to return to the burrow at a moment’s notice, even if they were having fun playing or had found a particularly tasty patch of grass!

Their mother, the prairie dogs decided, was clearly overthinking things. Surely the world couldn’t be as dangerous as she thought. Nothing scared the cubs.

She is having none of it #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/JHIYxbTc9u

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) December 1, 2019

So slowly, as they got older, they started sneaking further away from the burrow. Whenever they could, they’d also wait a little longer to respond to their mother’s recall shout. Nothing bad ever happened. The world didn’t seem so big and dangerous after all.

One day, as they were playing, the little prairie dogs noticed the burrowing owl mother driving off a badger. “I wish she was our mother,” the eldest and most rebellious of the little prairie dogs. “Look how safe she keeps her family! Our mother just tells us never do to anything.”

The prairie dogs kept playing, glad that the badger had gone away. They’d never seen a predator before, but something told them them the badger was bad news. But with it gone, they could eat and play all day.

The eldest of the little prairie dogs was wrestling with his youngest sister when they heard their mother shouting for them to come home. “Let’s go back,” said his sister.

“Don’t be such a scaredy-dog,” said the eldest. “There’s nothing here that can hurt us. That badger went away ages ago. Mother’s just being ridiculous again. Stay and play.”

“Are you sure?” said his sister.

“Of course I’m sure.”

So the two little prairie dogs kept on wrestling.

The look your dad gives you when you announce that the whole family is going on a juice cleanse.#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/v7DH1OxmyS

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) December 1, 2019

For the rest of his short existence, the eldest of the now-five little prairie dogs had to live with the guilt of his sister’s death.

Aesthetics 7/10

The prairies are not the continent’s finest scenery, but the little prairie dogs are very cute. And quite tasty-looking.

Difficulty 6/10

The ending wasn’t very difficult, but the badger did a lot of hard work to sneak up on the prairie dogs. The burrowing owl attack was pretty good too.

Competitiveness 10/10

Badger against baby prairie dogs? Not a contest. But a little burrowing owl (8 ounces) taking on a whole-ass badger (20 pounds) to defend her young? That’s the stuff right there.

Bonus point for the, uh, ill-judged prairie dog wrestling.

Overall 22/30

Depressing sports. Also, listen to your mom, kids.

Scene 6: Meep Meep!

Like many others, I was devastated to discover that roadrunners were neither blue nor locked in an elaborate, contraption-fueled feud with technically adept but curiously stubborn coyotes. Roadrunners are, in fact, little brown birds that like to eat lizards. Here is one on the hunt.

Practising for when Coyote turns up.#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/vbRCqA2zxW

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) December 1, 2019

I was also devastated to find out that they don’t actually say “meep, meep”. It’s as though Looney Tunes was lying to me all along.

The roadrunner hunt is really quite odd. It doesn’t go after a gila monster (fair enough), and fails to chase down a couple of spindly-legged speedsters (fair enough), but it totally ignores a half-buried horny toad, and then at one point investigates a tasty-looking lizard of unknown description and instead of catching it lets it run away. And then chases after it.

I’m starting to suspect that roadrunners aren’t that smart. And with the lizard hunt not going very well, this one settles on a centipede. Job mediocrely done — my kind of bird.

Aesthetics 7/10

There’s a pure component to aesthetics, certainly. A goldeneye duck, for instance, is a beautiful bird in any context. But there’s also an aesthetic of time and place, and a roadrunner in the American West just feels right. It’s dusty and dirty chasing, after other dusty and dirty things, and while I might have preferred something blue and meepy, this’ll do.

Difficulty 5/10

Catching lizards in the heat can’t be easy, but there are so many unforced errors here it’s hard to give this a high difficulty score even when the hunt ends up mostly failing.

Competitiveness 8/10

Idiot bird vs. lizard seems like a pretty good fight.

Overall 20/30

Running aimlessly and mostly failing to get the job done? That’s a sport. I mean, I’ve just watched an Arsenal game.

Scene 7: Mullet Hunt

Somehow this is not a hair metal tribute band’s tribute band. I’m sorry if this disappoints you. Instead, we have grey mullet, a medium-sized coastal fish moving south with the currents off Florida. They’re moving south in vast numbers, too, with millions of fish heading towards their spawning grounds.

The mullet stay close to the shore in order to avoid the worst of the predators, yet somehow manage to go more or less undetected by the human sea-goers. But running in-shore only works for so long. Eventually the mullet draw the attention of a group of tarpon, large fish with a very large appetite. And so the hunt begins:

To get close to the mullet in the shallows, the tarpon turn on their sides now the mullet can’t see their shining silver flanks.#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/mhgpgzO4Jx

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) December 1, 2019

The tarpon gorge on the mullet, and are soon joined by sharks and pelicans. But no matter how many predators converge upon the giant school, they can’t make much of a dent in its numbers, and the mullet keep moving south sans a few thousand fish.

Aesthetics 9/10

I very much enjoy the overhead shots of bait fish, and it’s especially fun to see them having to move around predators (the tarpon are magnificent) as well as human interlopers.

Difficulty 6/10

The tarpon, sharks and pelicans have it pretty easy. The mullet are jammed so tight to the shore that there’s nowhere to escape, so they mostly don’t. For the mullet there’s safety in numbers, but only for reasons of sheer probability.

Competitiveness 5/10

Not much of a fight, but I think sheer weight of numbers plays a factor here. The tarpon are trying to reduce a population 10,000 times their size. Granted, they probably think that sounds more ‘delicious’ than ‘intimidating’, but it’s a relatively tall order.

Overall 20/30

Sure. Fishing is a sport.

Scene 8: Sea Cows

America’s swamps aren’t always hot and humid. The shape of the continent allows arctic weather systems to penetrate right down to the south coast, dropping the temperature below freezing. Alligators can go into a sort of cold fugue state, dropping their heart rate to a beat per minute and sticking their snouts above the ice to make sure they can still breathe. But manatees cannot, and so they need to migrate somewhere warmer.

The waters off Florida should still be too cold for them during the winter, but Florida is an unusual place, and that strangeness manifests itself here through some surprisingly benevolent hydrology. The peninsula’s underground river systems are significantly warmer than the sea, and that’s where manatees see out the cold.

Some manatee babies get bored of all the waiting and play an unusual game:

BBC Earth

Yes, that is an alligator

In the depths of winter it’s not sleepy alligators which threaten the manatees. Instead, it’s boats. Florida’s water-ways are obnoxiously packed with motorboats, and dozens of manatees are killed by propellor strikes every year. Many of those that don’t die bear the scars of collisions, which are common even on young manatees.

Maybe learn to sail, Florida?

Aesthetics 7/10

Manatees aren’t cute, but the overhead shots have a sort of dreamy quality, like we’re watching a surrealist film about ambulant gnocchi. Also, the frozen alligator is very cool.

Difficulty 10/10

The baby manatee annoys an alligator. ANNOYS. AN. ALLIGATOR.

Competitiveness 4/10

Ok, let’s be fair: it’s a pretty sleepy alligator.

Overall 21/30

Most of this sequence is not a sport. Annoying alligators? That’s definitely a sport, albeit one I must legally recommend you not partake in.

Scene 9: White Whaling

I knew I shouldn’t have used so many Herman Melville references in the first episode, because we now have a genuine white whale hunt on our hands. Canada is warming faster than any other country on the planet, which has led to some difficult times for polar bears. Used to hunting on sea ice, which gives them a platform and a means to ambush the marine mammals they eat, the bears have had to adapt to a warming climate in which ice is much rarer.

Fortunately, bears are adaptable. Along Hudson Bay, a group of bears has developed a new hunting technique: they go whaling.

Polar bears are so dependent on the ocean, they are officially classed as ‘marine mammals’.#SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/pZzBtdLbFc

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) December 1, 2019

Bears, as it turns out, are not very good at chasing down belugas by swimming at them. But the older, smarter bears have a better technique: standing on a small rock, conveniently placed some distance into the water, and dive-bombing the whales as they swing by. This technique proves more fruitful, and one bloody encounter later, the bear is dragging a very dead whale to shore to share with his friends.

Polar bears are fucking terrifying.

Aesthetics 8/10

We’re used to seeing polar bears in icy conditions, so it’s quite nice to see them frolicking somewhere else.

Just a polar bear lying in a flower meadow #SevenWorldsOnePlanet pic.twitter.com/jiU5WDG7TO

— BBC Earth (@BBCEarth) December 1, 2019

As ever, the drone shots are magical.

Difficulty 10/10

An adult beluga can weigh up to 4,000 pounds. Imagine having to kill one in an ambush fast enough that it couldn’t escape.

Competitiveness 10/10

It takes a lot of brains and patience for the bears to overcome the fact the whales are far superior swimmers.

Overall 28/30

Diving is a sport, and it’s even more of a sport if you have to try to kill a whale with your teeth as you dive. From hell’s heart I bite at thee etc., etc., etc.

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thirdman-seventhson-blog1 · 7 years

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Vault Chat

Keep in mind, jack was probably on for about 10 minutes, and there were 200 people on the chat!! Here’s the part of the vault chat that I got.

<Apple_Blossom> check out the paintings of RomIne Brooks... she was friends with Rimbaud@Jack White

· <Hunter Arias> Thanks for the input!

· <Jack White> @Rodney Flater hmmmmm......

· <DonTazeMeBro> @Jack White I have been heavy into Sturgill Simpson, you like him?

· <MaWaiDu> @Jack What was the last project you weren't sure if you could actually finish?

· <Christina Kinzler> @KRIST3N Sucks

· <DanielleMeiling> @Jack White Hi Jack. Any news on when American Epic is getting released?

· <gabbyalucas> Favorite album at the moment?

· <RRRecords> @Jack White What is your favorite baseball movie? Mine is The Natural.

· <Jack White> @MaWaiDu life

· <Jack White> lot of peoples in here

· <Nick(Boat)> @Jack White What's your thoughts on United on Chestnut?

· <MaWaiDu> lol

· <Trale Merz> Favorite 3 ball parks

· <Maxman142001> Hints for the next vault?

· <msmaggie> see you at Zolli for coffee? 10 minutes?

· <Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino> Lol

· <Apple_Blossom> @Jack White are the new presses up and running at Cass???

· <Christina Kinzler> @Jack White Too many ppls boo

· <Marjorie Hernandez> @Jack White might be worth the investment 😉

· <Jack White> @RRRecords i like the natural very much, quote me a line from it

· <bloomooks> We missed you, Jack. That's why

· <Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino> righhhtttttt

· <RobScarr> @Jack White enjoyed reading your words in 'the drum thing' book very inspiring as a drummer myself

· <Bill Vouronikos> what r the chances of another raconteurs album?

· <Morgan McPheeters> @Jack White Did you have fun in Deep Ellum with WarStick? It's the coolest neighborhood in Dallas.

· <Billy Daneau> for how long you haven't talked to meg

· <Mat Kancler> @Jack White looking for interns? I'm your guy!

· <Kerri Grendel> Jack, you are loved.

· <RACHELSWENS> Bout time you came on here, i didnt think anyone actually used it

· <Christopher Merritt> @Jack White - have you heard the new Washington Phillips cd?

· <Janet Hall> @JackWhite I ordered your guitar pics, can't wait to get them!

· <Kelly McCleary> @Jack White we're all jonesing for news

· <Drebin> Thank you for everything Jack. Can't wait to see your next project!

· <Pabs> Any plans to tour last Dead Weather's album?

· <Rob Frost> too many peoples. i go sleep now

· <Francscoxvier> Greetings from Saskatoon

· <gabbyalucas> So so so stoked about the new Lillie album. Huge fan of her stuff. Can't wait another second!

· <Apple_Blossom> ha

· <Abbie Stein> @Jack White have you listened to Cindy Wilson's new EP yet?

· <gabbyalucas> So many people, slightly breaking the chat haha

· <Maxman142001> @jack have you picked up any new guitars lately?

· <Kate Cox> Favourite Nick Cave track?

· <Mandy Thomas> Loved the last Vault Package...it was my first! Came on Christmas Eve!

· <Marjorie Hernandez> You draw quite the crowd, jack!

· <caity> Did you guys get a lot of new subscribers for the package? I loved the vault package, the pendant is dope!!! !!! !!! !!!

· <Breanna Gibitz> Jack. I think you're great. just wanted to say that.

· <Christopher Merritt> This is insane btw

· <Karen Proffitt> I think we missed you.....

· <LordKhan> @Jack White You can't spell it, but it eats pretty good, don't it?

· <Lindsey Crooks> It's been so long! I thought you might have died.

· <Sarah Sparks> @Marjorie Hernandez what up lady?! Did you have a good b-day?

· <Jack White> @Kate Cox red right hand

· <Mallory McClain> @Jack White thoughts on any of the festival lineups that have been released? they seem a little lacking imo

· <MaWaiDu> @Jack would you ever open up a new upholstery shop?

· <caitinlv> @Jack White big ups to Bump Bailey

· <Christina Kinzler> @Jack White Whats the word on the pressing plant opening?

· <Lucas Marinho> What kind of drumsticks do you use, Jack?

· <STL_Ben> remember 10 minutes ago when there was only 4 people logged in?

· <gabbyalucas> I'm actually in class right now. I cant learn knowing Jack's online

· <RACHELSWENS> See what happens when you leave us for too long

· <Rodrigo Cortes> Live at Disgraceland was awesome

· <jen&juice> Did you have a nice Christmas with the kiddos?

· <KYLOSIS> Congratulations on 30 Vaults!

· <Mommaboat> @Jack White missed you at New Years!!

· <RRRecords> @Jack White "pick me out a winner Bobby"

· <Mommaboat> @Jack White love me some Lillie Mae

· <tanzaib> New raconteurs lp this year

· <Sarah Sparks> @Jack White did you ever watch

· <Bill Vouronikos> what r the chances of another raconteurs album?

· <Jack White> @caitinlv you mean baortholemew bailey

· <Vinnie Vrhovnik> Holy shit this is moving fast today

· <Billy Daneau> why the single on the last vault package wasn't red and blue just one color

· <RACHELSWENS> Hi Jack! What did you do for the holiday?

· <TWS_Andre> The Raconteurs I miss them so much!!

· <Sarah Sparks> aky Blinders"? great soundtrack (mostly because of you!)

· <Jessica Russell> @jJck White I've missed you! Best twitter notification all day

· <Norm bethune> @Jack White Any live shows coming up Det or Nash

· <Christina Kinzler> @Jack White Missed you at the Magic Stick

· <Apple_Blossom> @Jack White would you consider using the film from 2 against 1 to make an official video from the film 2 Guns??

· <MFSSkinny> @Jack White Pick me out a winner, Bobby

· <KYLOSIS> @Sarah Sparks Great show!

· <Breanna Gibitz> I'm running out of wall space for all the rad stuff you guys put in packages

· <Maxman142001> @jack white - have you given Blackwell any tips on his drumming?

· <Bill Vouronikos> what r the chances of another raconteurs album?

· <gabbyalucas> Hey Jack, what did you get for Christmas?

· <Jack White> @RACHELSWENS hunted whompus kitties

· <KRIST3N> I recently framed some of my favorite TMR silk screens. Wanda looks so purdy in her magenta mat board

· <DonTazeMeBro> @Jack White its 8 below zero in Minnesota want to visit

· <MaWaiDu> @Jack favorite episode of Twilight Zone?

· <LordKhan> Red, it took me sixteen years to get here. You play me, and I'll give ya the best I got.

· <Isfeld> @Jack White any vacation plans for the summer?

· <Pabs> Btw congrats you guys have the best customer service!

· <Sarah Sparks> @KYLOSIS right?!

· <Morgan McPheeters> @Jack White Did you like our twitter submissions for the Tin Man scavenger hunt contest? That was really fun

· <Tuesday Cummins-Smith> @Jack White did the shop girls get their top hat from The Rad Hatter?

· <Jack White> @LordKhan suit up

· <Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino> meow

· <KYLOSIS> @Sarah Sparks Better soundtrack!

· <Sarah Sparks> catty wampus!

· <Apple_Blossom> @Jack White is it a blizzard in Nashville now??

· <Abbie Stein> @Jack White I thought you would like this...I found a 1956 Ford Thunderbird Christmas post card flexi disc at an antique store recently!

· <Christina Kinzler> @Jack White What is the word on the Diecast RRS? Is that going to happen?

· <Janet Hall> @JackWhite Tour some more please!

· <MFSSkinny>

· <RACHELSWENS> You hunted whompus kitties over the holiday?

· <Jason Koffman> How about releasing a Slim & Slam LP?

· <Breanna Gibitz> JACK, will you fund a replica TMR store I can live in? I love the style of it there

· <caitinlv> @Jack White when a guy runs into the wall like that he should be called Bump

· <AlleyOops> When are you coming back to Austin? :D

· <chuck hosner> Working on a new solo album by chance?

· <MaggieMay> Jack. Any plans to release the Masonic lazaretto show?

· <Billy Daneau> solo album?

· <Hannah Geere> Did you enjoy being on Prairie Home Companion enough to come back to Minneapolis again in the near future??

· <Lucas Marinho> I don't like to be this guy, but please come to Brazil. There's so many new bands around my city. I'm surge you'd love them

· <Cameo Kraft> Have any new years resolutions??

· <KYLOSIS> @Jack White Are you in the touring mood this year?

· <Apple_Blossom> @chuck hosner !!!!!

· <Bill Vouronikos> what r the chances of another raconteurs album?

· <Jack White> @KYLOSIS hmm...

· <Maxman142001> @Jack White have you been to Johnny Walkers new studio?

· <jo7981> Would you ever come to Newfoundland again?

· <staci freeworth> @jack I love all the cool things you are doing but I must admit, I miss some jack white music......

· <Breanna Gibitz> I truly want my house to resemble the style of TMR in Nash

· <Lucas Marinho> sure*

· <Isfeld> @Jack White Gotten into any new bands lately?

· <Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino> Stop don't even tease like that!

· <EngineDriver> Have you seen the new Star Wars?

· <Apple_Blossom> @Jack White are you going to play on OJs new release?

· <DonTazeMeBro> @Jack White Fuck YES

· <Sarah Sparks> @Jack White a soul like you can't sit still for long!

· <Jack White> @jo7981 god i hope so, i loved newfoundland

· <MaWaiDu> @Jack I saw Karen perform with Rufus Wainwright at the Roman for Christmas, did a great job

· <DonTazeMeBro> i will take this as a yes

· <Patricio Pinto Castro> @Jack White new raconteurs record soon?

· <Mandy Thomas> I'm with KYLOSIS....touring?? come to Texas!!

· <MaWaiDu> Ryman*

· <Able_And_Want> 2017 is a good year for touring

· <KRIST3N> My New Years resolution was to go to a Jack white show...help me out!

· <KYLOSIS> @Jack White Canada misses you!

· <Jeff Harrow> @Jack White how's the upholstery business

· <gabbyalucas> How do you think this year's gonna go in comparison to last, jack?

· <jen&juice> I visited Galco's! What's your favorite soda or pop? Which is it?

· <Michael Stevens> @Jack White will we ever get the full Worlds Fastest Record show?

· <Kate Cox> do you have a cat?

· <Jonathan> you should invite Ryan Adams to do something at your headquarters. He tweeted the other day that he's a big fan of you and what you're doing after teasing his fans with record booth recordings from the machine at electric ladyland

· <Breanna Gibitz> If you do tour this year, please don't skip Cleveland, Ohio :) We miss you

· <Mat Kancler> @Jack White Looking for interns? I'm your guy!

· <RRRecords> @Jack White "I guess some mistakes you never stop paying for."

· <ThirdSon> @Jack White Time for a TMR NYC, right?

· <matthewvh> @Jack White Any idea on when Pokey's Blue Room show will be released?

· <KRIST3N> Rochester, Buffalo...even Syracuse!

· <RobScarr> @Jack White will there be a vault package dedicated to Icky Thump in its 10th year (this year)?

· <Trale Merz> Top 3 MLB ballparks

· <Roxxan> @ThirdSon Oooh. Yes. TMR NYC please!

· <Shane Rennie> Yes!! We need a Ryan Adams live at third man!

· <Morgan McPheeters> @Jack White Please come to Dallas if you tour again! Deep Ellum :)

· <Nick(Boat)> @Jack White, what have you been listening to in the car lately? RTJ3?

· <David Jamieson> going to spain for my honeymoon -- any favorite spots you can pass on?

· <Jessica McConaughy> @ThirdSon LA first!

· <Bill Vouronikos> what r the chances of another raconteurs album?

· <Aidan Abbott> Jack, will you come to my high school graduation?

· <Karen Proffitt> How about Cincy?

· <Jack White> @RRRecords "you had an amazing gift, but it's not enough....i think you're a loser"

· <RACHELSWENS> Yeah play in buffalo

· <Apple_Blossom> @Jack White favorite tracks in paramount 1 and 2??? i just picked both of the up

· <DonTazeMeBro> @Jack White tell Ben we need another contest soon, pick a number trivia anything

· <Billy Daneau> any tour youre thinking about?

· <Maxman142001> @jack white any pop up stores for TMR in 2017?

· <Jeff Harrow> @Jack White how's the upholstery business

· <Abbie Stein> @Jack White you should come hang out in Athens, Ga! SO much music history

· <Jack White> @Aidan Abbott no

· <Travis Krause> @jack white What was the last thing you listened to?

· <Rick Kanas> Will TMR ever put out the Complete Tommy Johnson Recordings?

· <Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino> Was so close to getting into Jimmy Fallon, walked around the city all day :) but I missed it by one person. Performance was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen

· <caitinlv> "we have two lives, the one we learn with and the one we live after that."

· <LordKhan> I coulda been better. I coulda broke every record in the book.

· <RACHELSWENS> It's cold and dark you'll like it

· <Christopher Merritt> @Jack White - how's about some more Sun Records reissues...?

· <tanzaib> What's next to be released on tmr

· <thirdgirlll> @Jack White do you own any pets

· <Jettkoral> @Jack White can I have a job

· <Aidan Abbott> Please

· <KRIST3N> @Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino watching jimmy now

· <Jack White> @Christopher Merritt yes!

· <thirdgirl> @jo7981 i'm from newfoundland too! ten years since the one note show :)

· <gabbyalucas> What did ya get for xmas, jack?

· <MaggieMay> Love vault #30. Thank you!

· <Brandon Attal> Tubbalicious says hello Jack & he would like his butt scratched

· <Michelle Erb> Hows the record plant coming along?

· <Vinnie Vrhovnik> Jack can you send the RRS to CLE to break up my boring shitty winter a bit?

· <Apple_Blossom> @Travis Krause weve been missing you

· <MaggieMay>

· <EngineDriver> Thoughts on what's happened to Conan's show?

· <Jeff Harrow> @Jack White how's the upholstery business

· <Lucas Marinho> What is you favorite MUTANTES song, Jack?

· <Christopher Merritt> @Jack White - more Prisonaires please!

· <Angela Bell> Jack, what are you listening to today?

· <Mommaboat> @Jack White. Come to Indy with Margo Price for my birthday! 💙

· <Apple_Blossom> hahaha

· <LazyDynamite> What does Third Man have in store for the new year

· <Janet Hall> @Jack White HI Jack!

· <Jack White> @gabbyalucas not much, a skeleton of a sea lion from 1918

· <rscott11> @Jack White Are the Dough Rollers still making music?

· <Billy Daneau> vault number 33 will be awesome

· <MaWaiDu> @Jack have you seen the movie La La Land?

· <Mallory McClain> @Jack White have you heard about Jessi Zazu of Those Darlins? She's a badass musician who's been diagnosed with cancer. It'd be cool if TMR would put out a record or something as a benefit.

· <Sierra> @jack white I'm listening to your acoustic in Idaho right now. It's my favorite!

· <MFSSkinny> @Jack White "my life didn't turn out the way i expected"

· <Shane Rennie> How many guitars do you currently own?

· <Breanna Gibitz> @Vinnie Vrhovnik YES PLEASE

· <ThirdSon> @Jack White what color is Lillie Mae picking for her limited edition LP?

· <Marjorie Hernandez> Jack, what things from third man can we expect this year? Or maybe just expect the unexpected?

· <RRRecords> @Jack White "I could have been better. I could have broken ever record in the book."

· <Apple_Blossom> @Jack White we've been missing you too

· <Jeff Harrow> @Jack White how's the upholstery business

· <Bill Vouronikos> what r the chances of another raconteurs album?

· <Stoffel> how about another green series

· <Breanna Gibitz> we need it in Clevland

· <Jack White> @Shane Rennie 33

· <Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino> lol damn

· <DonTazeMeBro> @Jack White what is the best new album you heard this year

· <Patricio Pinto Castro> @Jack White what have been you doing?

· <LazyDynamite> I heard your an antique clock collector?

· <LordKhan> I just quoted that!

· <LazyDynamite>

· <Morgan McPheeters> @Jack White I'm finally seeing Margo Price in March in Dallas-- can't wait!!

· <KRIST3N> Jack can I apprentice at your upholstery company. Please?

· <Abbie Stein> @Jack White did you ever meet/work with Johnny Cash before he died?

· <Jack White> @Stoffel they dont sell well, but i dont care

· <Jessica McConaughy> @Jack White much love! (Gotta hit the road and catch a flight) 💜 Thanks for being awesome

· <jen&juice> Have you heard of Reignwolf? Would make a killer blue room show- lucky to have great bands to see here in Seattle

· <Jack White> @Abbie Stein never met him, wish i had

· <gabbyalucas> Saw Karen's Instagram post of the kids' first day of school, warmer my heart. You have a beautiful family, you should be proud :)

· <Nick(Boat)> @Jack White, United on Chestnut ever going to press records again?

· <MFSSkinny> @Jack White "I coulda been better. I coulda broke every record in the book"

· <tanzaib> Has cass pressing plant started yet

· <tgonger> For 2017 - produce or perform?

· <Maxman142001> @jack white got any old Detroit material to release on TMR this year?

· <Cameo Kraft> Any random thoughts for today??

· <Ira Washburn> Jack, what sound do You prefer- Rhodes or wurlitzer?

· <Sierra> @jack white what is your favorite song to play live?

· <Stoffel> @Jack White

· <rscott11> @Jack White Are the Dough Rollers still making music together?

· <Jack White> almost bought cash's house, but didn't want to live in a museum

· <MaggieMay> Jack, the lazaretto Masonic show was life changing. Thank you

· <Jeff Harrow> @Jack White how's the upholstery business

· <Breanna Gibitz> I've been reading a book about Cash. It's been great, such an interesting dude.

· <LordKhan> @Jack White What's for dinner today?

· <RobScarr> @Jack White you going to get the new Tesla model 3?

· <Patricio Pinto Castro> @Jack White new raconteurs record soon?

· <Apple_Blossom> @Jack White its also haunted

· <Stoffel> @Jack White i love them, would love to see another one some day

· <Jessica Russell> @Jack White any big surprises in store for us in the coming months?

· <Abbie Stein> @Jack White the one in Hendersonville?

· <Tracy Christian> Barry Gibb took that off of your hands.

· <LazyDynamite> Can you play a banjo clock

· <KYLOSIS> @Jack White The JC museum is my second favourite spot in Nashville.

· <Jack White> @Maxman142001 so much you dont even know! lot of production from me in detoit, but i wonder if people would like a vault release of some of it or not

· <Christina Kinzler> @Jack White Any chance of a diecast RRS??

· <Jack White> @Abbie Stein mmm mmm

· <Sierra> Of course!

· <Morgan McPheeters> @Jack White Do you like Hamilton the musical? Ever thought of doing a collab w/ Lin-Manuel Miranda?

· <EngineDriver> Jack, check out the album Piper in the Holler by Tim Cummings. He does Appalachian songs with smallpipes accompanied by banjo, guitar, etc

· <Celina Johnson> @Jack White Do you have a house in Tulsa?

· <Natalia Fallon> Any chance of a guest appearance at Loretta's Ryman shows?

· <Jeff Harrow> @Jack White how's the upholstery business

· <Breanna Gibitz> We'd pretty much like a vault release of anything. Well, me at least.

· <jo7981> you know we would

· <Apple_Blossom> @Jack White stooges vault possible???

· <Abbie Stein> @Jack White that would have been pretty cool

· <Jack White> @Morgan McPheeters i prefer the millard fillmore musical

· <MaWaiDu> @Jack Hardest worker you've ever worked with?

· <Ashley Lorenz> Did you do anything with John Doe when he was in Detroit?

· <Ashlyn Scoggins> How was your New Years?

· <gabbyalucas> What's TMR's stance on internships? I'm heading over to Nashville for college to study the music industry and interning over there would be a dream!

· <RACHELSWENS> Can you upholster something for me

· <Sarianna> That's an amazing Vault idea

· <Vinnie Vrhovnik> Dude you know we'd love the Detroit stuff in a vault

· <Keith Thraen-Borowski> Favorite record store in midwest (outside of Detroit)?

· <Hannah Geere> @Jack White thanks so much for releasing Get Behind Me Satan on vinyl, it's always been my favorite

· <jesssy> @Jack White so i have this old, tattered chair.......

· <Michelle Erb> Yes we want oldies from Detroit!! At least I do

· <Jack White> @MaWaiDu you're looking at him

· <Peppermint7> are you going to make it back to L.A. for the Grammys?

· <Angela Bell> Upholstered anything fancy lately? Besides famous couches...

· <DonTazeMeBro> @Jack White I would like the Margo Price austin city limits as a vault

· <Maxman142001> @Jack white I'd love to see a reissue of Von bondies Nite Train!

· <Melissa Gonzalez> @JackWhite yes a vault release please ❤

· <Isfeld> @Jack White Any TMR event in europe this year or the next?

· <Breanna Gibitz> Do you have a favorite guitar you always go back to?

· <Jack White> @Maxman142001 me too!

· <Jack White> @Breanna Kibitz yes

· <Bill Vouronikos> what r the chances of another raconteurs album?

· <Marjorie Hernandez> @Jack White has record store day officially been moved to April 22nd this year instead of the 15th?

· <Jeff Harrow> @Jack White how's the upholstery business

· <KYLOSIS> @DonTazeMeBro That was a great perforamnce!

· <Aidan Abbott> You sound just like my dad

· <EngineDriver> Can we get a blue series of trad. Scottish and Irish tunes? You could record my seision group here in Denver!

· <Apple_Blossom> oh well...

· <DonTazeMeBro> I know Christie V from the Von Bondies

· <LazyDynamite> What kind of antiques do you collect

· <DonTazeMeBro> I used to work with her

· <Nathan Wiseman> Jack! Thank you for the newest vault release! I absolutely love it!

· <RRRecords> @Jack White can I pitch batting practice to you someday? It would be an honor to strike you out.

· <jen&juice> Yes Detroit Vault!

· <DonTazeMeBro> at the Mud Pie

· <Robert Cowley> Any of the Glastonbury shows gonna be in the vault soon

· <Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino> Always? What color is she?

· <Melissa Gonzalez> @JackWhite any new year resolutions?

· <Jack White> @DonTazeMeBro that must be after i worked with them

· <Mallory McClain> @Jack White Do you like Gibson electrics? I know you're a fan of the vintage acoustics

· <MaWaiDu> @Jack what are you working hard on now?

· <Patricio Pinto Castro> @Jack White something special about the 20 years of the white stripes?

· <Rodrigo Cortes> Who would you like to collaborate this year with?

· <Sarah Sparks> @Jack White RTJ sold out at Marathon! You gonna be there?

· <gabbyalucas> Trying to teach myself bass. Any tips on self-teaching?

· <Ira Washburn> @Jack White u like David lindley?

· <Jack White> @RRRecords you can't strike me out

· <DonTazeMeBro> In Minneapolis

· <Morgan McPheeters> @Jack White saw you and your elephant on American Pickers reruns. Picked up any cool treasures recently?

· <Eileen Corsano> hi Jack Happy New Year

· <Jack White> @gabbyalucas one string at a time

· <Abbie Stein> @Jack White heard from Loretta lately? Her Christmas album was great

· <Breanna Gibitz> Have you ever visited the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in Cle?

· <trickster> @Jack White is Vault #31 ready to be announced?

· <Sierra> @jack white what is your favorite thing to drink/eat?

· <KRIST3N> Jack please come to Rochester ny. It's where Son House came to hide

· <tanzaib> @Jack White how about the upholsterers unreleased tracks

· <Jack White> @Breanna Kibitz nope

· <KYLOSIS> @Jack White American Epic, what up?

· <jacqu_marie> did Trump ask you to perform at the inauguration?

· <Karen Proffitt> How about Breakstone concert for a vault?

· <jesssy> @Jack White have you aquired any new instruments?

· <RRRecords> @Jack White I hear you can't hit a curve ball...

· <LazyDynamite> did you have say in what music went into mlb the show?

· <vickendom> If you wanted to test a turntable, what would be the 1st vinyl you'd play?

· <Marjorie Hernandez> How's warstic doing, jack?

· <Jack White> @Breanna Kibitz and i've never been invited to see it

· <Michael Stevens> @Jack White you should come back down to Austin during SXSW, I know this great record label that throws great parties away from all the chaos. ;)

· <Rick Kanas> "the magic eye sees all"

· <Nick(Boat)> @Jack White, did u get a chance to see the Dirtbombs/Soledad show in detroit over NYE?

· <Vinnie Vrhovnik> Jack in inviting you to the Rock Hall

· <Jack White> @vickendom the beatles revolver, check the left and right signals

· <caitinlv> this chat is sticky tiday

· <Jeff Harrow> @Jack White how much would one of your couches cost

· <Alwaysin3s> @Jack White Jack I hope this New Year blesses you and keeps you well. That you find inspiration in the little things. Peace and love to you dear man

· <Apple_Blossom> @KYLOSIS great question... its likely gonna be on the tele in parts or serials

· <Rodrigo Cortes> Yes! SXSW!

· <DETROITSAINT> @JackWhite I could hear records pressing during the blood drive! Is it close?

· <MaggieMay> JW III your bens did a great show on NYE

· <Breanna Gibitz> ever have a desire to visit the Rock Hall just on a whim? Sad you haven't been invited ha

· <EngineDriver> Can we get a blue series of trad. Scottish and Irish tunes? You could record my seision group here in Denver!

· <vickendom> Thanks man!

· <Mandy Thomas> I love Revolver!!! come back to Dallas Jack!

· <Isfeld> @Jack White Any TMR related events in Europe some day soon?

· <Maxman142001> @Jack White will "Thats where it's at" ever get released?

· <Morgan McPheeters> @Mandy Thomas Amen!

· <Ira Washburn> When is your Detroit pressing plant going to be up and running?

· <Jack White> @Rick Kanas "i bet you i can tell right now, within a dollar either way, how much money you have on you.........you got ten bucks."

· <RACHELSWENS> Jack have you ever met Paul McCartney? He's my hero.

· <MaWaiDu> @Jack I relate to your song about entitlement, maybe the most true lyrics you've written, entitlement is everywhere!!!

· <DonTazeMeBro> Margo coming back in April to First Avenue have you played there

· <LazyDynamite> When will Tom Waits do a blue series?

· <Eve Jarman> Revolver's my favourite beatles album. Not a bad shout ;)

· <EngineDriver> Did you see that Beatles Eight Days a Week doc?

· <Nick(Boat)> @Jack White, any plans for a third store?

· <Patricio Pinto Castro> @Jack White come back to latin america soon please

· <Rick Kanas> "...and the silver?"

· <gabbyalucas> Bought my first vinyl copy of Lazaretto and I must say I was quite surprised when I discovered the hidden tracks. You weirdo :) can't wait for the new record to be even weirder

· <Jack White> @RACHELSWENS i saw him nearby once

· <STL_Ben> @Jack White you have released both mono and stereo recordings......when will we see a quadraphonic release from TMR?

· <DonTazeMeBro> the natrual

· <Ashlyn Scoggins> Jack, do you type with both hands or just one?

· <Abbie Stein> @Jack White what happened to the wax-o-rama in Nashville

· <Mandy Thomas> Going to see Margo at The Kessler!

· <MaggieMay> @jackwhite. I think a bone marrow registry during the blood drive would be awesome!

· <Marjorie Hernandez> Spent New Year's Eve in the Ryman this year... ever think about doing an acoustic show there yourself, jack?

· <Troo> Hi Jack !

· <RACHELSWENS> I dont think that counts.

· <Jeff Harrow> @Jack White how much would one of your couches cost

· <jen&juice> I was at The Gorge when you played the whispering sea and it was incredible! @jack what are some of your favorite venues?

· <Cameo Kraft> Have any plans to open a new store anytime soon??

· <Melissa Gonzalez> @JackWhite are you currently reading anything interesting? Or have a recommendations?

· <Jack White> @gabbyalucas those tracks took a long time to write and record

· <chudd13> @Jack White "you can't spell it but it eats pretty good"

· <Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino> what make JW smile?

· <Nathan Wiseman> @JackWhite will the Dead Weather tour again?

· <Jeff Harrow> @Jack White how much would one of your couches cost

· <gabbyalucas> I'm sure! But they were quite the surprise

· <DJRobbyRob> @Jack White Anything in the works with Dolly Parton?

· <Apple_Blossom> @Jack White did you like your colored pencils?

· <vickendom> I did "The Sound of Music" & Maria Callas' "Carmen" for 2 different TMR turntables.

· <MaggieMay> Jack white, give your blood.

· <ashleyredefine> Hello Jack-O!

· <Maxman142001> @Jack White have you recorded any solo material since the break?

· <RobScarr> @Jack White isn't one of them about smoking weed? haha

· <MaggieMay> Like the poster

· <Jack White> @Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino a woman asking if i'd like to go for a ride

· <MaWaiDu> @Jack we really appreciate your time, it's awful kind of you

· <Brandon Attal> My niece loves Weird Al, any chance you will release something from him?

· <Hunter Arias> That white house Hey Jude performance was great! cool to see you could be there

· <Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino> When can I pick you up?

· <Jeff Harrow> @Jack White how much would one of your couches cost

· <Jack White> @Hunter Arias i think paul was there

· <Alwaysin3s> @Jack White nice

· <Kelly McCleary> @Jack White Wanna go for a ride?

· <Breanna Gibitz> What do you do when you start falling for someone but you know it just won't work?

· <Apple_Blossom> did you here about the pipelines in cleveland and detroit???@Jack White

· <LazyDynamite> I love the new Tribe Called Quest... Ego is awesome!!!

· <KRIST3N> Jack would you like to go for a ride?

· <Apple_Blossom> very sad

· <Able_And_Want> Do you ever just pop in unannounced to talent shows at kids' schools or malls or places like that. I get worried about the future of our world, and then I see kids genuinely loving the music they're playing and dancing too and it makes me feel a little better. There's a lot of talent out there to be nurtured!

· <Jack White> have to go y'all, getting this pressing plant up and running is not easy....

· <Mallory McClain> @Jack White any news on the Luck Reunion sessions w/Margo et. al.?

· <Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino> I can chauffer you :)

· <Jack White> have a good day

· <Rodrigo Cortes> Ever been to Marfa, TX?

· <Cameron Fucile> good luck!

· <Rodrigo Cortes>

· <RACHELSWENS> Bye boy

· <Breanna Gibitz> have fun with that! Thanks jack

· <ashleyredefine> Bye bye

· <Ashlyn Scoggins> Keep working hard boo :)

· <KYLOSIS> Thanks for hanging out with us!

· <MaggieMay> You too!!!

· <Kelly McCleary> nice! bye!

· <thirdgirlll> @Jack White❤❤❤

· <Brandon Attal> Word

· <Jack White> make sure to do something positive for someone else

· <Daryl-Anne Fletcher> Bye Jack

· <Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino>

· <Marjorie Hernandez> Later jack!!

· <Rick Kanas> take care Jack!!

· <tanzaib> @Jack White any news on the release of Voscovo stuff

· <gabbyalucas> Have a good day man, thanks for this!

· <Melissa Gonzalez> Have a nice day JW!! ❤❤❤

· <DJRobbyRob> @Jack White Thank you!

· <meohmy> @Jack White Thanks, Jack! Love you!

· <bloomooks> You too, Jack. Thanks for dropping in

· <DonTazeMeBro> will do

· <jen&juice> You have a better one!

· <STL_Ben> and time to funnel back down to 4 people

· <Jack White> without them knowing about it....

· <Breanna Gibitz> thank you

· <Hunter Arias> Thanks! Have a great day!

· <Sierra> @jack white bye jack💙☺

· <Apple_Blossom> @Jack White thanks

· <Janet Hall> Will do

· <Sarah Sparks> love you! Best of luck in 2017

· <thirdgirl> thanks jack, happy new year to you

· <staci freeworth> thansk for saying Hi jack. Miss your music!!

· <Mommaboat> @Jack White 💙💙💙

· <KRIST3N> My bf will appreciate that advice

· <Melissa Gonzalez> Always ❤

· <Dina Grace Zoe Sciortino> love you

· <RRRecords> @Jack White peace and love, peace and love

· <LordKhan> Thanks Jack!

· <Sarianna> Thank you for saying hello!

· <ashleyredefine> For sure!

· <Rodrigo Cortes> Happy New Years Jack!

· <STL_Ben> DOH I missed jack! What did he say? Who has a transcript?

· <Sierra> You're the best ❤️

· <DJRobbyRob> I missed like the first 13 minutes

· <Nova_Jane> I just found out that my friend is Billy Wayne Davis' cousin. Small world!!! :)

· <Mandy Thomas> @Hunter Arias---Mother Nature's Son was amazing!

· <caitinlv> have a good one Jack & taje care

· <MaWaiDu> bye

· <Mandy Thomas> @Hunter Arias---Mother Nature's Son was amazing!

· <Michael Stevens> have fun!

· <Mommaboat> @Jack White 💙💙💙

· <Mandy Thomas> Bye Jack

#jack white #vault chat #third man records #tmr #tmr vault #tmr vault chat

21 notes · View notes

him-e · 7 years

Note

You're the only one I know that have seen the oa, I liked the show but I was really confused about the finale so I would like to know your opinion on what happened, especially cause I love all your analysis of got and star wars

Thank you, you’re so kind!

Okay, about The OA (spoilers below):

Like you, I loved the show and was very puzzled by the ending, and tbh I’m not sure if I liked it or not. Wasn’t really disappointed, because I had been smelling an unsatisfying resolution or non-resolution since halfway through the season. Still, the school shooting felt completely random—which might have been the entire point, sure, but that’s not particularly clever, just infuriating. Who is this guy? Why didn’t we see him before in the show? Why the fuck should I care? It’s like those mediocre storytellers who don’t know how to create a climatic moment and write a random tragic accident completely unrelated and unsupported by the narrative, but that gives the viewer the cheap thrill of worrying for the characters for twelve seconds before the story ends. Also, the five all suddenly jumping up to perform the choreography was surreal and a bit unintentionally hilarious imo. It’s not clear what they were trying to accomplish, or if they did in fact accomplish anything beyond dumbfounding the shooter long enough for a worker to sneak up on him and disarm him, but the episode is titled “Invisible self” and maybe something invisibledid happen and the fact that we saw nothing was 100% intentional, idk.

I do wonder whether I’ve watched something incredibly clever or incredibly pretentious. However, I appreciate the ambiguity, because it allows the story to maintain its surreal/liminal quality, its evocative vagueness. The finale doesn’t offer clear answers—it does not “reveal” any angels with badly cgi-ed feathered wings or any actual miracle, nor it definitively confirms that it was all a fantasy Lost-style. The viewer is required to make a leap of faith and insist to believe it was true, or find a metaphorical meaning to the psychotic trip OA told us. The interpretation of the finale depends entirely on what you believe to be real (and on whether or not there will be a second season tbh).

SO, has Prairie made up the entire story— her father being killed by the Russian mafia, the dreams, the near-death experiences, the abduction, Hap, Homer and the others—has she made it all up in her mind? Is she mad? That’s certainly what the show wants you to believe when Alfonso finds the books in her room, suggesting that everything she told them is information gathered from her readings and re-elaborated. If that’s the case, then the five movements don’t really have a purpose or a meaning… until the four kids and the teacher perform them during the school shooting.

In that moment, the five movements—the product of a delusional mind who made up an elaborated fantasy of fallen angels conveniently modeled on her newly found friends, hunters and interdimensional portals to cope with a yet-to-be-explained horrific trauma?—become something: they help five people find the strength and the courage to deal with a very real life or death situation which in turns allows a school shooter to be stopped before he could commit a massacre. The five movements, in themselves, are nothing, but Alfonso, Jesse, Buck, Betty and Steve eventually made the choice to believe in them—rituals only have a meaning because we decide that they do—and in doing this, they stopped being five disparate people barely knowing each other and became a group. They instantly recognize that they are indeed similar and part of something bigger. They make the leap of faith.

And this happened thanks to a mentally ill survivor of unspeakable (literally: we have no idea what really happened) abuse, who, like a modern Scheherazade, each night tells these kids and this woman (each of them lost in their own singular way) a piece of her “story” and in doing this she makes them fall in love little by little with her, with each other, and with themselves (don’t they all start wondering “why did she choose me? Am I special, after all? Do I matter?” Don’t they start paying attention to their individual stories, too?)

This, in itself, is great and I’d be willing to accept that none of what we’ve seen in the flashbacks is real except it doesn’t matter because what really matters is that the story brought these people together and prepared them to subvert a tragedy.

But I’m not entirely convinced, because that doesn’t explain:

where has Prairie been in these seven years?

was she really from Russia? was that a lie?

how did she manage to calm an attack dog and turn it into a harmless puppy?

what caused her nosebleeds?

when exactly did she order those books from Amazon (also considering that right after she came back she didn’t have access to wifi)? And how could she read them all in such a short time and make up an elaborated story based on them? Or are they from before she disappeared? And if that’s the case, how come they’re all so conveniently gathered in the same amazon box instead than, idek, getting dusty on her shelves?

how did she get a correct premonition of the school shooting?

why does Steve hear the whooshing sound of the *departure* of a conscience while the ambulance leaves?

if Prairie based Homer’s character on “Homer” the writer of the Iliad, isn’t it a great coincidence that there’s actually a football player named Homer Roberts who had a NDE?

what was the FBI guy doing at night in Prairie’s house?

and most importantly,

how did Prairie get her eyesight back?

because she was blind, and then she wasn’t. And she did disappear for seven years. So something QUITE unusual—maybe not as unusual as finding your own inner fallen angel, but still—MUST have happened to her. So if the idea is that it all happened in her mind, well, then it’s frustrating, because the show doesn’t reveal what actually happened, and the results is that the final puzzle is still missing a lot of pieces. Which, again, is fine if there’s another season… if not, well, The OA will remain as an interesting, subversive, but flawed project.

Anyway, in support of the theory that the flashbacks are real, I’ve seen people theorize that Elias (the FBI agent) was the one who planted the books so the kids would no longer believe Prairie’s story, which is entirely possible (who the fuck knows what the FBI is up to, and interestingly, it’s not clear what Prairie told Elias). Other people noted that the movements must be real, because every time someone performs the fifth movement (the key of everything, in a sense), that person dies. Or, apparently in Prairie’s case, opens the portal and walks into another dimension.

Myself, I don’t know what to think. I like both interpretations but I think they both could have been better executed, whether it is “it was all a psychotic trip but it ended up influencing some real people” or “it’s all real but of course people won’t believe it because it’s too crazy”. But it’s such an unconventional show that it’s really hard to classify it, and tbh it did absolutely have excellent moments (especially in the first half, I was legitimately captivated).

#anon #asks #**#the oa #the oa spoilers #abuse tw #mental illness tw

14 notes · View notes

tube-thoughts-blog · 6 years

Text

tube thoughts vol. 3

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star- dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

GLOW 'The Story of the Glorious Ladies of Wrestling' *What they lack in testosterone they make up for in tenacity and triumph.* 3 stars

'Heavy Metal' *You don't have to be high on cat piss, like the southpark heavy metal homage, for this trip.* 3 stars

G.I. Joe 'Retaliation' *Joe Pros: Firefly portrayal, really badass toys/tech and actor. Cobra Commander, creepy even in a prison fishtank. Brief Storm Shadow vs. Snake Eyes faceoff (wish was longer). Red Ninjas. The Rock's tumbler tank & hover-boat-gun-boat. Bruce Willis' stash of high powered weapons littered throughout his suburban home (quite funny). Cobra Cons: All the pop culture references. RZA's acting. Moronic score/soundtrack. Roland Emmerich style large scale CGI destruction of a major city. Cliche'd walking away from an explosion while not looking back -scene.* 2 stars

"Second Glance" 1992 --Christian themed after school special-- *A Jason Segel look-a-like gets really pushy about his politeness and preachiness getting in the way of his puerile attempts at procuring poontang at a 1980s style high school where the people, and setting, are so awkward that it must be the town over from Napoleon Dynamite.* 2 1/2 stars

Russel Mulcahy's 'Tale of the Mummy' *When the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, dirty toilet paper will CGI creep across the planet. Cursed with some of the flaws of other late 90s horror thrillers, this movie at least tries and is earnest in its attempt at an homage and modern updating of a classic genre. Moreso than Brendan Fraser's 'The Mummy' which was somewhat entertaining but chose to take the Universal Monster character and turn him into a showy villain in an action adventure movie.* 2 1/2 stars

Fox's "Gotham" Season 1 Episode 1 *I'm not a fan of shoehorning Renee Montoya into Jim & Barbara Gordon's relationship. Jada Pinkett Smith's character Fish Mooney looks to play too much of a major role in the show. I don't care about seeing a child version of Ivy or Catwoman looking like cosplay fan service early versions of both characters. Not liking the new character relationships, like mentioned above, and the inclusion of the Fish Mooney character's overbearing presence just might keep me from coming back to see what I do like most about the show, which is Bullock, Penguin, and Jim Gordon's personal quest to make things right with the Wayne homicide and corruption surrounding it.* 2 1/2 stars

Captain America: "The Winter Soldier" *A couple of old song and dance(s). Would you feel safer with guns pointed at everyone on the globe? Sometimes you have to say you don't know the people that you used to know.* 3 stars

Guillermo Del Toro's "Pacific Rim" *It's easy to believe a mad scientist would try to synch his brain with a giant lizard, from another dimension, when you've already seen the same actor eat the cheese from slum land rat-traps and digest catfood in a sleep experiment. Asian women driving cars is bad enough, let alone giving them the keys to a transformer. In this world, the weather channel is better than the WWE.* 3 stars

Farscape: "Thank God It's Friday, Again" *Wastin' Away In Margarita Village of the Damned Josefine Stalin Turnip Farm Rave Party* 2 1/2 stars

The Outer Limits: "White Light Fever" starring Bruce Davison *To hell with natural death. The heart wants what the heart wants, but the reaper gets the final jolt.* 3 stars

X Men: "Days of Future Past" *The Sentinels are realized, on film, in the scary and overwhelming manner they should be. And you can't go wrong with Peter Dinklage.* 3 stars

Transformers: "More Than Meets The Eye" (3 part 1984 debut) *Dear diary, Otimus Prime would make a neat president. 1984 presidential election-- Otimus Prime & Michael Jackson vs. Megatron & Ronald Regan* 3 stars

Fred Dekker & Stan Winston present "Monster Squad" *The only time you'll see Dracula dynamite a kids' clubhouse in order to make a statement.* 3 stars

SYFY & The Asylum present--- Z Nation: "Puppies & Kittens" *Captures the style of AMC's "The Walking Dead" closely except for the great storytelling and practical visual fx of Robert Kirkman & Greg Nicotero. That being said, it's debatable whether DJ Qualls as disc jokey of the z nation is more debonair than Daryl Dixon, the possum eating sex symbol of the world of "Walkers."--* 2 Stars

Charles Band presents "Ghost Town" *Going mad, on the lone prairie, chasing tumbleweeds. A role reversal High Plains Drifter.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs presents Larry Cohen's "It Lives Again" *The still grieving father, from the first film, leads a fringe group of citizens and scientists who fight the pro-life fight for the killer mutant babies because they believe the distubing infants could be the next step in human evolution. Yep, another misguided organization, like PETA, this time with even more disastrous results.* 3 stars

Masters of Horror: "Dream Cruise" *The Japanese tell a decent ghost story. This one involves treachery, trying to forget, and the curse of the dead at sea.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "The Choice" *Paige Fletcher, The Hitchhiker, hires a scanner nanny to look after his American Beauty daughter who suffers the same condition. The nanny wants to abduct the daughter into a Lillith cult, while a G-man witchhunter searches for the cult, the little girl, and the nanny to experiment on them in a concentration camp.* 3 stars

"Without Warning" (1980) *You don't want to be stranded in the middle of B.F.E. stuck between batshit Martin Landau, batshit Jack Palance, and a shadowy Slender Man like alien with his flying leeches.* 3 stars

Thundarr: The Barbarian-- "Secret of the Black Pearl" *Nomads living in the ruins of Manhattan, after a great cataclysm, discover a power to fight against an evil two-faced sorcerer. They entrust it to a Conan, with a lightsaber, his musclebound Wookie, and a hot sorceress. The heroes use it to fight off Two-Face and his torch flamethrower wielding animated Statue of Liberty.* 3 stars

"Hot Dog: The Movie" guest starring Shannon Tweed and the guy from American Werewolf in London-- *Sex crazed 1980s party animals versus stuck up German snobs on the ski slopes of Squaw Valley, USA.* 3 stars

Doctor Who (4th Doctor Tom Baker) "Genesis of the Daleks" *The Daleks originated on a planet where two civilizations fought in their own version of WW1, WW2, and the Cold War for over a thousand years.* 3 stars

Disney's Gummi Bears "A New Adventure" *A kid in a king's court stumbles onto the truth about his favorite fairy tale creatures. They're real. He teams up with these Renaissance Beverly Hillbilly bears to stop a dastardly duke, and his bumbling ogre henchmen, from catapulting the king's castle to ruins.* 3 stars

"The Peanut Butter Solution" (1985) *Polite, Canadian hair'em scare'em. A kid gets a strange fright. His hair falls out like Uncle Fester. Two ghosts convince the kid to spread mudpie on his scalp. The kid turns into Cousin It. Then, the kids, in town, all get abducted by the Frenchy former art teacher and he puts them to work in a sweat shop making brushes out of the kid's long hair so that Frenchy can paint magical paintings of his dog.* 3 stars

Tobe Hooper presents Stephen King's "Salem's Lot" *The sweetest singing and a feeling like drowning* 3 stars

rifftrax riffs "It's like Rob Schneider's "The Animal," only this is a comedy." & Richard Stanley(sort of), John Frankenheimer, Stan Winston, and H.G. Wells(sort of) present "The Island of Dr. Moreau" *Distractingly bizarre / defiant / spaced out / aloof / odd for odd's sake are Brando and Kilmer. Their enemy is not the cruel repression of a species, but instead the art of filmmaking as they figuratively fling thespian poo like dramatic monkeys at the zoo.* 3 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Cowboy Bebop "Asteroid Blues" *Coyote, with red eye, on the run to mars. A couple of bounty hunters looking for beef.* 3 stars

The Galaxy Invader (1985) *"The greatest scientific discovery, of the century, gets lasso'd by rednecks."* 2 stars

Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 3 *Crucified to the supper table. "There's roadkill all over Texas." A subpar, but still somewhat sinister, Sawyer family portrayal.* 2 stars

Hammer Films "The Curse of Frankenstein" starring Peter Cushing as the Baron Frankenstein & Christopher Lee as the monster *Cushing's descent into madness is mesmerizing.* 3 stars

Kolchak, The Night Stalker "Demon In Lace" *Co-ed blueballs and the stench of brimstone* 3 stars

Something Weird Video presents "Trouble Down Below" ---xxx--- (1981) *Warning! This is not a daring expose' on downstairs mixups. It's instead the slow-hell of having to stare at the shriveled coin purses of men from the era of Ron Burgundy.* 2 stars

Victor Salva's "Clownhouse" *The director is a perv for little boys, Sam Rockwell bullies his two younger brothers, and three escaped mental patients stalk about in the shadows.* 3 stars

New World Pictures "Saturday, the 14th" (1981) *Arrested development in Eerie P.A., where you can't piss on hospitality, the necronomicon,or an electric can opener.* 2 1/2 stars

"Student Bodies" (1981) *Psycho-sexual-slap-stick* 3 stars

"The Kindred" (1987) *Aquatic hybrid sibling. A forgotten special fx gem.* 3 stars

"Queen of Blood" (1966) starring Dennis Hopper & John Saxon-- *She has glowing eyes, green skin, a beehive hair-do, and likes to slurp spacemen as if they were Hi-C.* 2 1/2 stars

New World Pictures "Reform School Girls" (1986) *Trashy twats terrorizing troubled tarts.* 3 stars

"Don't Go In The House" (1980) *There are no haunted places, only haunted people. Yet another Ed Gein, this one with a dragon in his guilty belly, 'cause mama tried to purify "his evil" using flame.* 3 stars

--- Joe Bob's Hollywood Halloween (1999)

in search of The Nair Witch segments

and the feature movie Don Coscarelli's "Phantasm" (1979)

*Here we have an outdated skit comedy about a late 90s found footage horror movie, and the braintrust at TNT's moronic attempts to turn Monstervision into Three's Company with Joe Bob hanging out with two babes in the Hollywood hills.

He gets to talk about the movie, a little bit, but not enough.

The TNT censors also butcher some of the great gore special fx, but the eerie setting and story still holds up as classic.

A story about a boy who should be dealing with coming of age problems instead of morbid things like the loss surrounding death.*

1 1/2 stars for the Nair Witch garbage

2 1/2 stars for the censored version of Phantasm as it's sandwiched between all of that

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Walking Dead: "No Sanctuary" *No Safeway, either, and very little humanity, but they've got a people Piggly Wiggly, or maybe it's a Publix, these cannibals are rather new age in attitude.* 2 1/2 stars

Twin Peaks: "Variations and Relations" *sonnets and soirees* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: "PK Tech Girl" *Ghost-ship grievances, goading smokescreen, attracting polarities, fireball spitting frog fiends.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "Virtual Future" *Lawnmower Man computer program wiz, Josh Brolin, gets caught up in his corrupt boss' (David Warner) Dead Zone political run.* 2 stars

Dario Argento's "Creepers" (1985) *"Fate... up against your will..." It also doesn't hurt to have telepathic control over insects and a chimpanzee backup.* 3 stars

"Skin Games" (1985) ---xxx--- appearance by Peter North *A lotta lovemaking. Not a lotta creativity or allure.* 1 1/2 stars

The Nether Horror Collection (1996) ------------------------------------

"The Bitch Is Back" *A man has a bloody tussle with his movie quoting, maniacal blowup doll. Though, a guy with an Alien 3 poster on his bedroom door kind of deserves what's coming to him.* 2 stars

"Burp" *A hooker and a business man have a bad night on the surreal streets of some European city.* 2 stars

"The Prodigal Son" *A gigolo gets purchased for a golden girl mom who sucks and bites his nipple off. Then, all hell breaks loose when the jealous brother shows up.* 3 stars

"Pick Nick" *A man tries to trick a nagging blind woman to get out of the car at a lion preserve.* 2 1/2 stars

"Zombi Orignale" *"The statue needs blood, human blood, or else the gates of hell will open and the dead will rise." Great, little homage to Night of the Living Dead and the king of gore, Lucio Fulci, too.* 3 stars

"La Mouche" *Plodding, and plodding some more, man versus fly.* 1/2 a star despite ok end

"The Great Rock & Roll Massacre" *A nerdy Colonel Sanders finger licks a guitar while some youth and a critter-esque muppet get depraved.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Great Rock & Roll Massacre 2: The Resurrection" *Bloody guitar player rises from the grave to rock out, once more.* 2 stars

"Inkt" *A Victorian lifelong fear/obsession with squid leads to time spent in a watery and nightmarish asylum.* 2 1/2 stars

"Visire" *Black & white short about grey, dreary European city life where the maggot covered dead body of your upstairs neighbor falls onto your bowl of cereal as you try to watch Looney Tunes.* 2 stars

"Bloody Mary" *Big, bald bully bothers a barmaid before getting a bloody boo boo and blacking out, bringing the barmaid to bare her fangs.* 2 1/2 stars

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Transformers: Transport to Oblivion *Megatron's hard ticket to Cybertron* 2 1/2 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs presents "Project Metal-Beast" *Corrupt and crazy CIA man thaws his old werewolf buddy out of storage so that some young military scientists can have an ethical dilemma hissyfit over sewing patchwork synthetic, so-called indestructible skin all over him, when he's not gnawing on them.* 2 stars

Sundown, The Vampire in Retreat (Shouldn't it be Sunup?) featuring M. Emmett Walsh, George 'Buck' Flower, Bruce Campbell, & David Carradine *A family goes on a trip to a sleepy, desert town where the dad is helping set up a Snapple-esque blood substitute plant for the incognito vampire town residents who have given up their gruesome ways, for the most part, and are living a gentle life behind sunscreen, umbrellas, big floppy hats & sunglasses. There's also a hokey deal about Dracula getting forgiveness from Jesus, a group of dissident cave cowboy vampires, and a Straw Dog love triangle between the husband, the wife, and an old friend who has gone over to the darkside.* 3 stars

Roger Corman presents "Space Raiders" (1983) *Little Anikin Menace Phone Home Alone* 1 1/2 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Harvest of Doom" *Snakes, on a train, delivering poppies to the wizard, and a swamp girl, Huck Finn, who wants the train as her own personal playset.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: "Living Hell" *A drifter, and all around nice guy, with a scarred past, becomes a gunshot, to the head, victim. He receives a revolutionary brain chip that saves his life, but also allows visions from the mind of a serial killer who has the same kind of bug in his head. The nice guy's sympathetic, and beautiful, brain surgeon helps him as he deals with the gruesome visions and they try to stop the killer.* 3 stars

Cowboy Bebop: "Stray Dog Strut" *Give him the once over, twice, and get enough for duck. Bumbling a bounty, but scoring a sought after puppy stuffed with precious data.* 2 1/2 stars

"Ghostwatch" (1992) *BBC mockumentary about a live, Halloween night paranormal investigation at a suburban home in London. The two girls and mother do a believable job, some of the reporters make it a little more silly than it should be, but maybe that works to the advantage of making the viewer comfortable and then disturbing them. The comments on having created a social t.v. seance and having other viewers and the studio experience outlandishly spooky events might have been a little over the top, but all in all very entertaining.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: "Awakening" *Betrayed, a millenium ago, by the humans they were sworn to protect, a group of winged beasts awake from a rocky slumber in pre-9-11 NYC. A ponytailed, shady and extremely wealthy CEO hopes to use their battle skills to wage corporate espionage from high atop a castle above the largest skyscraper in the city. Realizing the trickery, the leader, of the gargoyles, Goliath, severs ties with an old love who is showing too much of a demonic side like the human who awakened them and attempted to exploit them. The gargoyles don't lose complete love for humanity, however, as many of them find that they love modern city life and Goliath catches urban fever from a saucy, lady detective, friend. The show has a similar moody, gorgeous, compelling style as Batman: The Animated Series.* 3 stars

Tim & Eric, Bedtime Stories: "Angel Boy" *A dorky dad becomes eeriely enamored with a fairylike neighbor boy's Lady Gaga wannabe avant garde singing. So much so that he surprises his own aggressive whiteboy monstertruck driving son with a special musical performance of Angel Boy at a pool party for bitches and bros. They of course begin to haze Angel Boy, to the idiotic shock of the dad, and make him face his worst fear, water, when they toss him into the pool. He boils like a mogwai, for a moment, and then rises above the pool, in the air, and makes a demonic pitch of sound that causes everyone to shit their pants. Aside from the painfully non-humor music video moment, the story sticks to the point and manages to poke fun at people in Tim & Eric's unique and sort of spot on way.* 2 1/2 stars

Guillermo Del Toro's "Hellboy 2: The Golden Army" *It comes down to the imaginative creatures being more interesting than the dark elf plot to unleash tin man terminators on the world.* 2 1/2 stars

Farscape: "That Old Black Magic" *An evil being savors suffering and is willing to make you feel shitty in order to get his own star destroyer spaceship.* 3 stars

Martin Landau, Ruth Buzzi, and Jose Ferrer in "The Being" *Dazed & Confused town is more concerned with selling potatoes and stopping so-called smut than they are the toxic waste dump that's spawning gooey cyclops menaces.* 3 stars

Dr. Who (4th Doctor Tom Baker) "Revenge of the Cybermen" *Metal Slug induced "plague", dastardly double agent, satellite collision course, moon-planet of gold, human detonators for the biggest explosion in the solar system, generational power struggle, Tin Man Butcherers with a 14 karrot Achilles' heel.* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Mindok, The Mind Menace" *Doctor-Doom-esque villain's brain refuses to die, so he seeks out frozen scientists from the 20th century to help build a giant robotic body to house his vile intellect. Our boneheaded hero, his even more boneheaded bigfoot friend, and the only smart one, the sorceress, try to free the scientists and stop Mindok. The awkward line delivery and odd moments of animation make this show unintentionally hilarious, often.* 2 1/2 stars

"Spookies" (1986) *Farting mummies killed by red wine, 13 year old boy who gets a surprise birthday party at a haunted mansion and then buried in a shallow grave by a werewolf, Jersey Shore couple victims, Grim Reaper that explodes when it falls off the 2 story roof, graveyard full of groping zombies (no flesh eating), Aleister Crowley type who is playing a big game of chess with victims for a brought back from the dead bride who never loved him, wolfboy with a hook for a hand, girlfriend possessed by demon, dorky mustache guy with puppet who gets the life, literally, sucked out of him by an Asian spiderlady, British prude lady who controls her boyfriend and they both get eaten by creatures from the black lagoon big & small. Some okay gooey special fx creatures and makeup mixed in with some cheap and crappy Halloween makeup on ghouls and an unfocused story/climax/ending that felt like they didn't know what to do and just gave up.* 2 stars

"Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy" --------------------

*Nightmare 1: Smug filmmakers think they're above the slasher genre. Bob Shea is responsible for the great 'gotcha' ending.

Freddy's Revenge: It's realized how important Englund is. Actors, screenwriter, production crew look back fondly on the silliness and gay over/under tones.

Dream Warriors: The boy actors crush on Patricia Arquette. The director is manic and jerkish about making a bold production.

Dream Master: Everyone disappointed Arquette doesn't return. Viking director takes Freddy into MTV pop culture direction. Freddy is now mainstream. We, the public, felt it.

Dream Child: Bug eyed kid actor would make a great Golum in LOTR. Fresh influences help series, including splatterpunk writers and visionary KNB special fx guys.

Freddy's Dead: Hack director gets praise for over the top looney tunes crap filmmaking. Publicity stunts help New Line and the director con people into thinking it's bye bye.

New Nightmare: Wes Craven returns to take the movie in a meta as meta can get direction. More smugness and even more Heather Lagenkampf. She's no Jamie Lee or Sigourney.

Freddy vs. Jason: In gestation for years. Many scripts. A director who didn't like the characters. An ending no one can decide on. Test audiences. Apologies. It's no Frankenstein vs. The Wolfman.*

2 stars

--------------------------------------------------------------

Barbara Hershey in "The Entity" (1980) *Psychologists are stuffy foggies puffing pipes. Parapsychologists are vibrant, videoage pioneers. Hysterical, lonely women with child abuse / unwanted motherhood regret invent undefinable, unstopabble forces of nature to avert dealing with menopausal personal crisis, or do they?* 3 stars

American Horror Story -- Freakshow -- "Monsters Among Us" *Paints with very broad strokes and overacting and power guitar performances in the wrong era. It's not as garish and actually shocking like Tod Browning's 'Freaks.' It's not moody and timeless like 'Carnivale.' It's not compelling like 'Fur: A Portrait of Diane Arbus.' And it's not truly weird like Harmony Korine's "Mister Lonely." It's a cliche killer clown, here, a fornicating lobster boy, there, and more uninterestingly freakish characters aside from the cgi siamese twin and the overbearing cabaret leader.* 2 stars

Town of the Living Dead: "Zombie Karate" *It's hard to tell whether these characters are a creation of the show's production or if these smalltown, extremely passionate moviemakers are really this stupid and odd.* 1 1/2 stars

"Motel Hell" (1980) *"It takes all kinds of critters to make Farmer Vincent's fritters." Those fritters include hippy bandmates, nosey health inspector, and kinky husband & wife swingers to name a few. "Meat is meat, and people gotta eat."... in this Jimmy Dean smokehouse massacre.* 3 stars

"Basket Case 2" (1990) *The Times Square Freak Twins flee to Staten Island where they find sanctuary with a Nightbreed Muppet Babies group lead by a loving granny. They're hounded by a weekly world news type tabloid reporter and both find out how tragic love and acceptance can be.* 3 stars

---- "The Willies" (1990)

*Sean Astin (LOTR & Rudy) is on a backyard campout, with his cousins, telling kid-friendly tales of terror. One tale is about a piggy lady who finds a fried rat in her KFC.

Another tale is about an old man who dies on a haunted house ride at the carnival.

Then there's the tale of the the monster who wears a janitor's skin and eats elementary school bullies who have mullets and wear iron maiden t-shirts along with pinch faced teachers, but he spares the picked on nerds who pee their pants.

The final tale is about a live action Eric Cartman. Gordy Belcher (Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts) gets twisted pleasure from the misfortune of others and stealing whatever he wants to the point of everyone in town, even his parents, disliking him. He also is methodical in his perverse obsession with flies. He experiments with them, like a god or mad scientist. The Weird Science comic covers taped to his bedroom wall reflect his personality. He has more problems than suspension from school, and punishment from his parents, when he ticks off a crazy farmer who has came up with a smelly solution to get rid of Gordy for good.*

2 1/2 stars

---------------------------------------------------------

---- "Fear No Evil" (1981)

*The pubescent Prince of Darkness mopes around, like the lead singer of Bauhaus, at his 1980s highschool where there's always MTV rock music playing, like The Ramones.

He's picked on in homo-erotic ways by the school's John Travolta look-a-act a-like, and they share a homo-erotic-satanic kiss in the showers.

He's a straight A student, accepted into every ivy league college imaginable, but his presence, since his botched baptism, has put his folks into a deep depression as they walk around like shells of human beings- in a decrepit, falling apart house they no longer tend to.

The dad just drinks and tells people, at the bar, that his son is the devil.

They laugh him off and say there's is too.

The prince tries to mind rape a girl he's obssessed with and ends up causing the stereotypical crazy gym teacher to kill her boyfriend with a dodgeball.

The girl goes into mourning and finds out she's one of three reincarnated angels sent to stop Satan.

The prince goes all Caligula on his town during a Jesus play and the low budget horror fx begin, including a hilarious scene where he gives Travolta guy breasts, playing off a joke/dare Travolta kid teased Satan kid with earlier when he wouldn't share a homo-erotic puff puff pass pot joint with him.*

2 stars

--------------------------------------------------------------

Cowboy Bebop: "Honky Tonk Women" *The giant roulette wheel in the upper atmosphere.* 3 stars

Transformers: "Roll For It" *(with enthusiasm) "It's time to create anti-matter!" Megatron, again, comes close to causing himself to become permanent, 'instant junk.'* 3 stars

Dino De Laurentiis presents Stephen King's "Cat's Eyes" *This cat really got around in the 80s. In the 90s, not so much. But man, the 80s... if it went down, the cat was somewhere lurking about. Lionel Richie walking on the ceiling, the cat was down on the floor saving Billy Ocean's breath, while he was napping, and being the inspiration for 'Get Out of My Dreams, Get into My car.' The night that the Elephant Man's bones came alive and attacked Liz Taylor because Michael accidentally let her get drunk and do witchcraft, the cat was there to save the day. The only time that the cat ever did wrong was when he watched a guy drown, and didn't lend a hand, luckily Phil Collins was there to witness it, and shame the cat, later, in song.* 3 stars

"Pulse" (1988) *Tense horror thriller where phenomena thrives in the disbelief it allows in some and the despair it causes in others. Set in the 1980s revival of the love for modern, electrical conveniences and the fact that there might be some sinister force dwelling on the edges of that lifestyle. Added twitch of the personal drama of how distance and divorce does disrepair to developmental years, for a child, if not dealt with in a down to earth and off the grid manner.* 3 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Raiders of the Abyss" *It's death from above as foul, shriveled monks on massive mutated bats pluck stranded passengers off of an ancient cruiseliner impaled sideways on a sharp mountain. The flying mouse brigade wanna sniff the life out of the captured, like a glade plug in, so's they can be young again. Thundarr, and his trusty wookie, are willing to blindly ride their horses off any chasm to save a fellow hugh-man, but the sorceress is wise enough to use logic and light bridges to make plausible path, and risks her skin- more than once- to save the day.* 3 stars

"The Midnight Hour" (1985) *For a town with a lynching past, 1985 seemed pretty light-hearted and accepting. How can you not like a movie with Thriller style dance numbers, Kurtwood Smith as the sheriff, Wolfman Jack as the disc jockey, LaVar Burton as a horny teenager, and an earth angel style ghost romance that saves Halloween from a vampire herpes outbreak?* 2 1/2 stars

The Walking Dead: "Strangers" *How many times has this happened, on the show,... our heroes regroup after a highly tense battle, divisive and long drawn out disputes are settled with a pat on the back and words of understanding, it's decided that a supply run is once again needed, a handful of zombies stand in the way and are quickly/watchoutohno/easily dispatched, someone in the group feels angsty, anxiety & mistrust settles back in during a comfortable moment, the show ends on a cliffhanger? We come back the next week, like the suckers we are...* 2 stars

Lost and Found Video Night Vol 4: All Musical Edition *"In a room with no windows, in the corner, I found truth."* 2 stars

Z Nation: "Fracking Zombies" *Post-zombie tech support outsourced to the polar ice caps. Zombie sled dogs in the snow. Sons of Anarchy Sex slave ring? Zombie oil spill. Zombie boredom game of 'Go Fish.' Zombie s.u.v. leering hissyfit. Z nation satellite surveillance spots a rare telephone booth. Zeriously, zthough, DJ Qualls lonely and wanting a puppy pulls at my heart strings more than Rick & Carl have in a while.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Supernaturals" (1986) *A platoon of privates, stranded in the deep south wilderness, encounter some undead rebel soldiers and a resurrected civil war army mother/widow. The hundred plus year old son has been keeping dear old mom alive since a group of yanks caused her death during cruel torture/execution at a confederate minefield. Our hero, one of the army privates, has to convince the son (who he might actually be the father of in a past life) to stop using his supernatural powers to keep these old war wounds open.* 2 1/2 stars

"Lady in White" *Charmingly crafted tale of a writer who returns to his smalltown where, during his childhood, a Halloween prank puts him on the path of ghosts, and a child murderer, set against the backdrop of a quirky schoolroom, a quirky Italian family with sweet & silly grandparents, and the issues of race during the early days of the civil rights movement.* 3 stars

Linda Blair in "Summer of Fear" aka "Stranger In Our House" a Wes Craven tv movie (1978) *An Ozark Mountains witch poses as a distant cousin so that she can spellcast her way into the top spot in a California ranch home and ruin the teenage life of the family's spunky, horse-lovin' daughter. The Poison Ivy plot can be forgiven, for it was fresh at the time, but some of the silly moments like the notion that a witch can't be photographed, and that the dad doesn't remember the entire week where he was cheating on mom, with the witch, are harder to not criticize.* 2 1/2 stars

"In Search of the Wild Beaver" ---xxx--- (1986) *College buddies devise a plan to fur-trap some girl game and pop their poindexter friend's cherry so that he'll let them take his winnebago on a raunchy roadtrip.* 2 stars

"Taking Tiger Mountain" (1983) *Feminist fascist scientists chemically castrate, sexually re-engineer, and generally just mind fuck typically horny young males, like Bill Paxton's character, in order to experiment in the balancing of the sexes. When they're royally screwed up, they send these fuck fixated fellas out into the world as sleeper agent assassins against the femi-nazi's political enemies. Europe is full of North American expatriates, due to a state of post-apocalyptic chaos west of the atlantic. We hear this on a constant radio broadcast in our head. Europe isn't much better as radicals try to overthrow the patriarchy and groups of young people are auctioned off in prostitution meat markets. Aesthetically more of a filmschool artfilm than a surreal masterpiece like Cronenberg's "Naked Lunch."* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Treasure of the Moks" *River-Queen pirate raids the village of legendary rich Wookies using salvaged torpedos from a Naval graveyard. She's sitting pretty on the deck of a battleship nailed to a raft of logs. Her crew looks like casino drunks or adam west batman's penguin henchmen with their navy frog suits with skull and crossbones on the front. She's more of a villainess fashion victim with a men's necktie substituting for a pirate's bandana. On a serious note, this episode is great because it's the first time we see actual human beings as the greedy, dangerous ones in this post-apocalypse instead of the usual mutant creature, sub-species, or inhuman tech or magic entity.* 3 stars

Doctor Who (Tom Baker) "Terror of the Zygons" *Loch Nessie in a fetching scarf floating up the Thames.* 3 stars

42nd Street Forever Vol 2: Grindhouse Exploitation Trailers *Fast rides, wild teens, hot women, hard edged bruthas, controversial facts of life, unspeakable creatures, inhuman terrors, horrors of science, rowdy rednecks, energetic espionage, sword and sandal, roller disco.* 3 stars

The State "43rd Annual" All-Star Halloween Special on CBS (1995) *MTV's The State get subversive on network tv with stunts like coming out to an opening musical number through the legs of hanged men, having a well adjusted kid smoke a joint, for the first time, and take a police station hostage, and showing soldiers holding a dying squad mate and being uncomfortable with his last wish for them to tell him they love him because it would be gay and ending the skit with the soldiers 'making out' over the dead soldier's body.* 3 stars

Night Stand: Death in the Trailer Park aka Homicide in a Double-Wide *Billy Ray Jim Dick's mama is still sore at her slut daughter in law for hitching up with two-ton tubbie trailer salesman after her son's tragic truck accident. Surprise, though, Billy Ray faked his death and is now a Joan instead of a Jim. Night Stand, a great parody of Jerry Springer.* 3 stars

Disney's DTV Monster Hits (10-30-87) --------------------

*Electric Light Orchestra's 'Evil Woman' plays over a montage of Disney villainesses,

awesome 80s Pepsi & Burger King commercials -one with the Miami Sound Machine,

Donald Duck delivers a package to an unlucky address as Stevie Wonder's 'Very Superstitious' plays,

Pat Benatar's 'You Better Run' plays as Snow White flees for her life into the forest,

Spike Jones' 'That Old Black Magic' plays during some of Mickey & friends more mystical moments,

Hershey's Bar-None candybar commercial about satisfying the hungry beast,

Michael Landon promises new surprises in this upcoming season of 'Highway to Heaven,'

Daryl Hall's 'Dreamtime' plays along with gorgeous hand-drawn classic Disney animation,

"Heffalumps and Woozles" for Winnie the Pooh,

Ronald & Grimace in the story of Cosmic- a cheeseburger sharing lesson,

Golden Girls in the U.S.S.R. preview,

Annie Lennox sings 'Sweet Dreams' during a dream sequence,

all hosted by the Man in the Magic Mirror.*

3 stars

==============================================================

Halloween 666: The Curse of Michael Myers *Satanic cursed child cult, Tommy Doyle Rear Window style watcher, Laurie's daughter's baby, Dr. Loomis comes out of retirement, runes, Strode family strife.* 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Tobe Hooper's "No More Mr. Nice Guy" *I had imagined Freddy being more cowardly in his life and not releshing in his own execution.* 2 1/2 stars

Frank Grillo in "The Purge: Anarchy" *A young Charles Bronson type takes by the hand and leads Fred Sanford's girls and a car trouble couple through a dream night for supporters of the NRA and players of GTA. Meanwhile, Chuck D & the Public Enemy try to lead a anti purge revolution that will not be televised.* 3 stars

Town of the Living Dead: Jasper Needs Zombies *The inept, bumbling director name drops Robert Rodriguez. The crazy investor lady has spent tens of thousands of dollars on a movie that was doomed to make nothing until SYFY stepped in. Six years of everyone involved wasting their time on a movie in a tired, oversaturated genre... I will give them credit for exploiting their crassness on cable as a way of maybe recouping some of what they've lost in this venture and gaining a coin or two of fame/shame.* 1 star

"The Simpsons Guy" *Long awaited crossover. Too bad SouthPark already pointed out how Bart's rebellious antics are nowhere near as sadistic as other cartoon bad boys in Cartoon Wars where Bart meets Cartman and too bad they wasted so much of the episode with the tired, uncomfortable Meg moments and the 'chicken fight' between Peter & Homer. I would have liked to seen more how Quahog and Springfield clashed in cultures and attitudes.* 2 stars

Tim & Eric, Bedtime Stories: "Toes" *Patients pay Dr. Bob Odenkirk to butcher their piggies. Detective M. Emmett Walsh sniffs around, making Dr. Bob uncomfortable, wanting to be his sailing buddy, but Emmett knows Bob's dark secret. He eats the toes.* 3 stars

Three Stooges Fright Night TBS Superstation (1992) --------------------

*Stop seeing things, before I gouge your eyes out. Go to sleep, before I murder you, ya sonambulist. - a few great quotes by Moe in this first 'Old Dark House' horror comedy.

Then there's a truly horrific commercial about a grown woman who was a botch aborted fetus at seven months.

Then an awesome commercial for Copolla's Dracula coming out the 13th of November.

Next is 'I Want My Mummy' about the curse of King Rooten Tooten, where the Stooges are Sherlock Holmes investigators who catch a cab from NY to Cairo to find a corpse of a midget and destroy his wife Hotsie Totsie.

Followed by 'Dopey with Dicks' (featuring Shemp) A mad scientist seeking a human brain for a mechanical man and maybe the first comedic mention of 'braaaaiiins' in a horror/comedy.

Lastly, it's 'Pests in a Mess' Stooges think they're trying to hide a stiff, they never bothered to look and see it was a mannequin, and wind up in a spooky cemetery where the scares literally cause the boys to jump out of their shoes.*

3 stars

-----------------------------------------------------------

Swamp Thing: "The Emerald Heart" *A little boy with a questionable imagination gets to spend the Summer in the swamp, and meets the Swamp Thing. Yuppy douchebag mad scientist toys with his skanky girlfriend and moreso with a poor dwarf.* 2 stars

Thundarr, The Barbarian: "Attack of the Amazon Women" *Han and Chewie get all sexist caught in the midst of a shark ridin', amphibian, estrogen civil war. Also a laser tentacles Kracken, a patriot missile trojan horse, & a lady-magic showdown.* 3 stars

Friday Night Videos (10-30-1987) hosted by Elvira special Halloween Edition ---------------------------

*Springsteen strumming alone in his kitchen, late at night.

Earth Wind & Fire show us innercity life in 'System of Survival' an awesome retro street video.

Cheesy lifesavers and scruples commercials where nerdy yuppies love & hangout.

White man blues Levis 501 blues.

Elvira answers (valley girl voice) "So Weiiird" fan letters from the likes of Madonna & Jon 'bulge in the pants' Bon Jovi.

REM sends one out to 'The One I Love.'

Phillip Morris wants to know if Elvira smokes after sex, Elvira doesn't know, she's never looked.

Tammy Faye Baker thinks Elivra exploits her body. Ha.

Then a flat busted girl wants Elvira's advice in dressing as her for Halloween, Elvira says to dress like Cher, only backwards.

Then the video for that cheesy love song from the end of 'Dirty Dancing' by Billy Medley and Jennifer Warren. Swayze crazy. These two singers must be really ugly, as they're kept in total shadow. Ha.

Jon Cryer is Hiding Out rated PG 13.

3D Toyota car for 1988.

Hershey's one of the all time greats, just ask Van Gogh and Mona Lisa.

Joe Montana knows about Nissan 'built for the human race' automobiles.

A pumpkin head helps sell us water & sofa beds.

Elvira teases us some more with her incredible legs and invites women to wear mattresses on their back, having one eye brow like brooke shields, and wearing a box on their head like Max Headroom.

Steve Winwood uses blurry 80s video editing to ask Valerie to 'Call on Me.'

Squeeze get all Renee Margarite artsy in 'Hourglass.'

Andrew McCarthy, Robert Downey Jr, and James Spader are 'Less Than Zero.'

Grab a stick, take a sniff, pull it out, on the ski slopes 'cause Juicy Fruit is gonna move ya.

"Hey, where did you learn about COMPUTERs?" response "In the Army." "

The Nighttime is the Right Time" to be with the one ya love and to drink Michelob, so tells us a bluesy beer commercial. Man, 80s yuppies loved them some white man's blues.

Elvira gives tips not tits... tips for a safe Halloween. No Smurfs covered sheets ghost costume, take trick instead of treat, and accept no candy apples that you can shave with.

U2 where the streets have no names but do have rooftop spastic Bono belting out a soaring anthem.

Whatzit? board game.

New fresher taste Baby Ruth for letter jacket wearers.

Claim to Fame the gameshow where kids, dressed as Freddy Kruger, juggle fire.

Elvira says not to give out 8 track Frampton or bakedbeans/sushi to trick or treaters, but Sony Walk-man instead.

'Blue Heaven is a Place on Earth' and Belinda Carlisle a dreamy chick on earth.

Cajun spiced Ruffle chips

and spoken word white guy Levi 501 blues.

Crocodile Dundee's buddies sell us Matilda Bay brew.

Flashdance esque advertisement for a hot Pontiac ride.

Stevie Wonder is in suburbia talkin' bout Skeletons in your Closet' and keepin' an eye on the scandalous goings on.

A chick with a Michael Jackson hat and huge earings wants more comfortable contacts.

Get a better butterfinger now.

Dreyfuss & Devito duel in a new comedy.

Not agent Dale Cooper must stop a female alien in The Hidden.

Elvira wraps it up for the Halloween weenies.*

3 stars

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The CW's "The Reaper" unaired pilot *A slacker gets special powers, from Satan, on his 21st birthday because his parents sold his soul to the devil before he was even born. The guy has to go around with a mini-vac and suck up escaped souls and send them back to the pits. The devil turns out to be a decent mentor for the guy to get his life back together. Along with his new Jedi powers and his Tucker & Dale versus Evil buddy, he's able to snare a firebug. This show is like a cross between the teen horror comedy Idle Hands and the S-Mart stuff from Evil Dead.* 3 stars

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs special guest Chucky from Bride of Chucky "The Gate" *Before Steven Dwarf stunted his size by smoking, he was listening to Satanic rock and summoning Stygian, synchronized- shape-shifting shorties and having to stop them from summoning their Set-like snake-god via a second sacrifice* 2 stars

American Horror Story: Murder House episode 1 *Filthy horror show. Haunted victorian house, 1970s horror vibe, screwed up characters. my curiousity is peaked.* 3 stars

South Park: The Cissy *Cartman finds a new, controversial scheme to exploit a civic issue, and this time Randy, through his strangeness,brings everyone together, uninentionally, to throw a wrench in Eric's plans. This show needs to quit following the same pattern, though, I appreciate the mentions to recent episode events. It gives the show a touch of continuity.* 2 stars

Z Nation: Philly Feast *Trailer trash cannibal cult use whores to lure unlucky men to the meat freezer. The Liberty Bell rolls down the streets of the City of Brotherly Love smashing zombies.* 2 stars

Z Nation: Full Metal Zombie *Amish Zombies, Romero mentioned (interesting self aware moment. Has it been done before, in a zombie show/movie?), zombies liking to eat brains mentioned (hmmm, kind of dumb self aware moment), toilet paper rationing moment (ha), carjacked by phony zombies, nice family carjacks phony zombie carjackers and then violently executes them, nice family (including kids) get eaten (wow, TWD wouldn't show a kid getting eaten), using a fast food drive thru to talk to DJ Qualls *Citizen Z* in his igloo, old hippie shotguns pot with a zombie, horror icon Bill Moseley as a crazy army official with a ridiculously over the top death, giant zombie chokehold, only one moment where they seem to really rip off TWD in where they mistake the old man as a zombie like Rick's group almost shot and killed Daryl after his bloody zombie walk.* 2 1/2 stars

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