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#he treats me like I don't know anything about therapy despite the fact that I've been in therapy for 7 years...
nicoleanell · 8 months
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Another smart post going around reminded me of this thing that's been in my drafts, so you gonna hear some SURPRISE RENFIELD 2023 DEEP THOUGHTS FROM ME. <3
Going back to this post which still does occasional numbers,
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I feel some ways about how Robert Montague Renfield is overflowing with empathy for other people despite his own circumstances being a million times more dire. He adopts calling the group's abusers "monsters" despite intimiately knowing an actual genuine monster and arguably being one himself.
Like he could've EASILY taken a look around that support group and been like "boo hoo call me when your literal intestines are coming out of your body", but instead of ever looking down on them or treating it as a competition over who has suffered most, he meets them at the place where they're hurting and absorbs it and connects to his hurt. He recognizes it as part of the same continuum, even when the details don't line up or measure evenly, it's Real and an experience he can imagine or relate to. Which is a good thing for support and/or therapy in a group setting.
Later on he lightly calls Rebecca out for her anger issues, but then after she rants about the source of that anger, his response is an utterly sincere "that sounds painful." INTESTINES. OUT OF HIS BODY. MAYBE 48 HOURS + 1 BAD HAIRCUT AGO. HE HAS JUST SHOWERED OFF THE BLOOD OF THE ONLY FRIENDS AND ALLIES HE HAD. But he winces in sympathy over her corruption and dead dad stuff.
And yes, I also feel a way about how that's a part of his nature that's been either exploited or fully trained into him by Dracula, because we ALSO see that in their interactions - "you deserve better", "I know being undead is a painful existence." Like… the fact he constantly leads off with empathy and validation of other people's feelings and that's the way he diffuses Rebecca's anger in that moment is not NOT linked to his codependency issues and the ways he's been abused. Of course everyone else's pain is not less valid than his, it's more valid actually!! He is more than happy to shut up about his needs and his trauma and declare someone else as the priority and Life's Main Character. The way he's still apologizing compulsively and transferring his submissiveness and fawn behavior to somebody else is very much a thing other people have pointed out, jokingly and sincerely.
But in spite of that, I still think it's ultimately a sign of his kindness and genuine compassion for others. And it doesn't have to be a one-way street.
Rebecca is (pretty understandably!) not as sympathetic to him in that scene as he's being with her, because she's still very freaked out and thought he was an ENTIRELY different type of weirdo than the weirdo he's turned out to be. But. Less than an hour later she is listening with an open mind while he tells her the most bluntly holding-myself-accountable, not-self-pitying version of his story and her takeaway is not only "you're not a bad person", it's specifically: I've done shit that I regret too, and being mean to my sister is on an almost LAUGHABLY smaller scale than anything you just said to me, but the point is I recognized your feelings on a basic humanity level somewhere in there and related to that. Again not a competition, and not about their experiences being perfectly in proportion with each other! It's good.
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objection-u-a-bitch · 6 months
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One thing I learn about many people on tumblr is that if you're white and have been treated better by the patriarchy, you will always carry that attitude no matter what that somehow you can dictate other people's experiences and fear because of you have never experienced something bad in life in general or perhaps not worse.
I'm pretty sure you're trying to roast me here but the grammar is pretty bad so I can't even really tell.
Is this about me? If so, who said I'm white? You'd have to scroll down FAR on my blog and read all of my tags to find anything on the colour of my skin.
Who said I've been treated well or even better by the patriarchy? You don't know me, and I certainly don't sell my own misery online for pity points.
Who said I'm dictating other people's experiences? If you feel unsafe around all men, that's your problem to deal with. Frankly, I'm not a therapist. If you come into my inbox talking about how unsafe you feel around all men, the best I can do for you is tell you to go to therapy. I usually don't, because people only tell me this to harrass me into letting them be dicks, but that's besides the point. Fearing 50% of the population just isn't a nice way to live, and there are things you can do to ensure your safety at night/on dates/in clubs that don't require you to live in fear. Caution is not the same as fear.
And to be honest, I as a man shouldn't have to be the victim of your fear. Aside from the fact that the phenomenon known as white woman tears has genuinely cost black lives, especially those of black men, and therefore I don't really have faith that that "fear" is genuine a lot of the time, I don't think most people take a second to think WHY it is that they're scared of someone.
Because the truth of the matter is that black men are frequently portrayed as aggressive abusers who leave their children and commit a lot of crime. Trans men are portrayed as predators and liars who take advantage of their "female socialisation", if they're not outright seen as traitors who are trying to leave womanhood behind for the bliss of privileged manhood. Jewish men are portrayed as greedy and evil, and Arab/Islamic men are seen as extremist oppressors who force their women to veil. Asian men are portrayed as misogynistic, and historically also as predators to white women. Disabled men are portrayed as boundary-disrespecting creeps, and fat men as incels. The intersections of these identities face worse.
Are you afraid of these men because your fear is genuine, or are you afraid of these men because of the stereotypes that cause biases that you're unwilling to check? Are you keeping yourself safe in public in a manner that is reasonable, or are you actively discriminating against marginalised by perpetuating these stereotypes? Can you bring enough self-awareness to the table to acknowledge you might be doing the latter?
And if you have been scrolling through my tags, you will know that my original post is largely about how men are treated online. On the internet, you can't be put in immediate danger the same way you can in real life. You can't hide behind the excuse that you're treating men poorly because you're keeping yourself safe. So what does it say about you that you still feel the need to come into a (marginalised) man's inbox to complain about how he doesn't respect your real life fear enough when he's talking about how people on the internet should not be treating him poorly for being a man?
Nevermind that in real life I should also not have to hear that "all men are evil" and that someone wants to "kill all men". I deserve to live in comfort without being hated and treated poorly for who I am, just like everyone else. Despite the fact that I am and always will be a man.
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living-for-fiction · 1 year
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So my friend D, who has been homeless on-and-off for years, who does survival sex to keep a roof over his head, who is HIV positive and doesn't keep up with his fucking meds (istg I'm going to wring his neck) and who has gotten into hard drugs (meaning meth and heroin) is missing. Again. Last time I talked to him he swore he wasn't using, but the last time he told me he wasn't doing drugs was right after he started meth, and he's a shit liar anyway. I know he was doing drugs again. Last time I talked to him he said he had some stuff lined up with psychiatric help that he desperately needs and he was planning to stay out where he is because they have better services than our state (which I kind of doubt, but I'm not using state services so I could be entirely wrong) but that things were getting better. That was back in May. I've messaged him a few times since - calling isn't an option, since he doesn't always have a phone and he can't pay to keep the same number when he can get a phone. And according to his brother, he sold his phone.
His brother, who messaged my brother-in-law to see if we knew ANYTHING about where he might be and what's going on. My family and I do not have a good relationship with D's brother. He's a piece of shit, honestly. He beat the shit out of D when he found out D got into hard drugs despite the fact that he himself deals them. He treated D like trash when he came out. He's got a bunch of other issues that I'm not getting into because it is very much not my white ass's place to unpack his weird internalized racism... anyway, point is, dude sucks and we don't talk to him, my sister and bro-in-law only keep him around as a Facebook friend so that if something happens to D, we'll know because he'll post about it. Except now he's messaging US to see if we know anything about where D is or what's going on.
I just... fuck. At this point I'm used to not being able to get him on the phone. I'm used to sporadic contact that mostly turns into "I'm not dead." But every time it reaches this point, I do wonder if he's dead. If he OD'd, or went home with the wrong guy, or managed to get a car and thought he'd be able to turn his life around because now he could get a job, only to crash the damn thing.
There's not really anything I can do. He's an adult, he chose to go halfway across the country for some reason I don't remember, he's said he's getting help and I hope he is. But knowing what's happened before when he's dropped off the face of the earth and moved several states away with no warning, I'm very concerned for him.
If I didn't have a roommate, if I didn't need to keep having a roommate to afford my damn condo, I'd tell D to just shut the fuck up and move in with me next time I heard from him. A part of me hates that I didn't do that already. I let him crash with me for 3 weeks when he was homeless, unfortunately couldn't let him stay any longer due to rental agreement bullshit, but just...
I can't afford my home without a roommate, or I'd have offered my other room to D, I think. I can't have drugs in my home though, is the only other thing. And I don't believe him when he tells me he's clean. He's a shit liar.
I just really hope he isn't dead, that's all. I just want to hear back from him. And if he needs a place to crash for a few days I'd be happy to offer my couch, I think my roommate would be ok with that.
Most of my friends have done the upward spiral of moving up in the world. My brother-in-law got his massage therapy certification, my sister got her master's degree, other friends have gotten degrees and certifications and moved forward in life. I have too. I've been moving up in my career, in my kinda, getting experience and stuff, doing the adult thing. Buying the condo when my landlord offered to sell it to me. Very privileged to be able to do that even if I need a roommate to make the mortgage.
D hasn't been able to do that.
If I just had the means to fucking fully support myself without a roommate, I could have put D up here. I should have put D up here. I should have told him he could move in with me, everything else be damned.
I swear if we find him again, I want to be more of a resource for him. Let him stay with me for a few days, a week, I don't care. Help him find a fucking support system.
I feel helpless right now.
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mental-health-advice · 11 months
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Hi I hope you're well. Idk who else to talk to and I haven't actually gone to a therapist yet but I know I have some sort of social anxiety because it affects my daily life. I barely participate in discussions during my classes and when I do, I overthink what I'm going to say and end up going off topic, not like how I rehearsed it in my head. I start to hate myself after I talk in class because I hate the way I speak (I'm really really bad at thinking on the spot and mumble a lot so it makes me self conscious). Sometimes the prof tells me she can't hear me and it makes me even more anxious and I feel guilty because I'm not contributing to the class well, while my classmates can contribute freely, without any worries, and are able to articulate their ideas perfectly. I feel like it'll just be a downward spiral from here because I'm only continuing my studies because my parents have high expectations for me. They think I'm capable of getting a great job because of my education and my organization skills but I get anxious just thinking about it because I know for a fact that I'd never do well in a job interview no matter how much I practice (even if I practice it still wouldn't go how I planned). They think I'm their only hope because my two elder brothers didn't finish their studies, and one also has some mental health issues (he speak to a therapist on the phone for help). I on the other hand, I know I need to go to therapy but I don't think my parents think anything is wrong with me. Plus, I feel like I'd just be a burden on them because they're already struggling as it is (we're not really that well off) and I've seen how my family treats my brother as a burden as well for having mental health issues) so I don't think I'll ever get the help I want. I also feel like a burden on my close friends because some of them also have some mental health issues and so bringing up my own struggles will make it seem as though I'm disregarding theirs. It's just too much and it's gotten to the point where I have trouble sleeping because my brain doesn't stay quiet and I have too many thoughts running through my head :(
Hey there,
I too had struggles when I was at uni with actively participating in class discussions and sharing my own thoughts and ideas on topics that were brought up, so you are definitely not alone in that aspect.
I think when it comes to speaking up and contributing to class discussions, it’s more of a confidence thing and so the more you do it, the better and more comfortable you will feel in doing it. You did mention though that you try to talk in class but that you are never satisfied or happy in the way you talk/ feeling as though you don’t get your point across well enough despite practicing and rehearsing it in your head first. Firstly, I think it’s great that you are at least giving it a go and trying, you would be surprised at how many people will just sit back in the background and stay quiet.
I am wondering if before talking in class you can first write down points that you want to talk about and next to each point writing a bit about each. Doing this may help you to stay on point and remind yourself what you are trying to discuss and get out talking wise in your classes. Just an idea! Something else you could try is speaking to your professor and letting them know that you struggling with talking in class and that it makes you feel really self-conscious when they say they cannot hear you. You never know but they may also have some pointers on how you can talk more in classes! I’m sure that they have had past students who have struggled with the same or similar things as you when it comes to speaking in class.
I also want to quickly mentioned that it’s not really fair on your parents to put all this pressure on you for being the only one out of your siblings to get into uni and continue in your studies. I too can relate to this as my eldest sister wanted to be a paramedic but didn’t get the grades to go to uni to further in her studies and my brother chose a trade and so again didn’t go to uni but then somehow, shy me got accepted? Yes it’s super cool that you got in and get to study in your chosen fields but at the same time it has to be because you want to do this, not others wanting this for you but because you want it for yourself. And whilst it’s true that you may get a better job from going to uni, you can still get a decent job of your choice without a degree. My sister is a great example of this as she never made it to uni but now has a great job at an emergency services call centre where she is able to directly help others still (just not in the field). And me, well I had to drop out of uni due to my mental health impacting on my studies but I again am doing what I love even though it’s mostly volunteer based stuff. So for example I love both working with animals and helping others and offering them support where I can. I now volunteer for an animal rescue group with getting funding and am also a foster carer for cats/ kittens and to help me fulfill my desires to help others, I volunteer when I can here at MHA. I guess what I am trying to say is that getting a degree isn’t everything. You need to be happy and really want this, even if what you really want isn’t following your parent’s dreams for you.
And in regards to feeling as though you won’t be any good at job interviews, just try to focus on the here and now right now. We never know what the future may have in store for us so there is no point in worrying or stressing about all the what ifs when they haven’t even happened as yet!
I know it can be really hard in confiding in friends about your own struggles when you know they have their own stuff going on as well. It’s more than OK to let friends into your world though and they may even be able to offer you some advice and support themselves. You will not be disregarding their own mental health stuff, actually, one thing that I have found helpful in my own mental health recovery is that sometimes it can really help to help others or even just to listen to them when times are tough or just for things in general. It can help give the other person a break from their own struggles and head and that can be really helpful at times for both you and them! And if you are worried about saying too much to your friends about your own situation, then just let them know to tell you if it’s getting to be too much. It’s OK for them to say stop, just like it’s OK for you to tell them to stop if them talking to you is becoming too overwhelming.
It can be really tough when we know we need that extra help and support but feel as though by speaking up we will be a burden to others. And whilst I do not know your family’s personal situation there are ways that you can receive the help and support and at a low cost or for free. For example, you can always speak to a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling which is free, or you can check out your local community mental health services and see if they can help you and support you in any way or even just referring you on to someone else. There is hope out there and yes, your parents may not be accepting that you need help and support too, but even the most successful people need help and support sometimes!
I really hope that this has helped a bit and please do let us know if we can help to support you in any other way!
I’m thinking of you and hope that you are going well!
Take care,
Lauren
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trans-xianxian · 3 years
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canceling my therapy appointment today because I simply do not like my therapist ❤
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giorno-plays-piano · 3 years
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Heartache
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Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Soldat!Reader
Warnings: yandere, obsession, kidnapping, captivity, torture, brainwashing, delusional Bucky.
Words: 2535.
Summary: You don't need the one whose name was Bucky Barnes, a hundred years old broken man who returned back to the world that couldn't offer him anything but regrets and nightmares. You need your Soldier, the one who won't return to you even if you throw Bucky back into that iron chair and fry his brains for the thirtieth time.
P.S. I have to say it turned out darker than I expected. Attention! Bucky is free from his programming, but he does not heal as he should. 
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“You look old.”
You decide to give him the pleasure of hearing your voice. It sounds dull from behind the glass when Bucky comes closer, looking at someone he recognizes too well, but you do not recognize a man he became, nothing reminding you of the one with whom you once shared your bed.
You know what the man looking at you through the glass thinks. You didn’t age a day since the last time he saw you, and while he knows why, it still surprises him to see a young woman watching him calmly as if all those years didn't pass.
“You miss your star.” You say, tilting your head to the side and narrowing your eyes at him when you see his new vibranium arm.
“It doesn't matter.” His answer is immediate, and Bucky isn't surprised to hear the raw anger in his own voice: he is no longer the Soldier you knew, and he is worried he won't find a way to interact with you. You don't seem too interested in Bucky Barnes and whoever he works for despite the fact you are hardly HYDRA's soldier yourself.
What he doesn't know is that you still stay the soldier you have been once, and nothing will ever change that regardless of whoever Bucky Barnes sends your way to cure you from HYDRA's conditioning.
"I'm glad you remember me."
You find it peculiar: a man who has been trying so hard to get rid of anything that ties him to the Winter Soldier has been looking for you for years, finally tracking you down, capturing you and bringing you here as if your pure existence didn't remind him of the worst years of his life. What did he expect to find? A comfort in someone who once had been paired with him just for the sake of research?
"Don't bother, Mr. Barnes. There's nothing there left for you."
You see he's taken aback because you have hit a nerve. Apparently, James Buchanan Barnes thought the connection between the two of you remained the same, and he could dig up the feelings that had long been buried. Stupid, you think, he's forgetting the most important part: he is not the man you formed the bond with. You don't need the one whose name was Bucky Barnes, a hundred years old broken man who returned back to the world that couldn't offer him anything but regrets and nightmares. You need your Soldier, the one who won't return to you even if you throw Bucky back into that iron chair and fry his brains for the thirtieth time.
It doesn't matter. After all those years you didn't believe in happy endings, and even if the man watching you through the glass think he is going to get one after getting out, he is clearly deluding himself.
Averting his eyes, Bucky clears his throat and changes the topic, trying to give himself a false hope he can mend things. “I will convince Shuri to treat you. She helped me break through the conditioning, and she will do the same to you."
You could raise your brow at him, but maintaining this facade is tiresome and doesn't make sense. "I see you have no idea how much my conditioning differs from yours. You can't break through it. It's embedded in me."
"I thought so, but I got rid of mine. You can do it too, I'm sure."
Although you see him trying to assure you, Bucky's getting agitated because he really has no idea what HYDRA did to you. He couldn't know it when he still was the Soldier, but now the lack of his knowledge leads you to the thought your former masters destroyed whatever info they still kept - they foresaw he would search for you.
"Your brainwashing was flimsy. I've always wondered how come you were considered HYDRA'S greatest assassin when you just needed to see your dear friend once to start getting your memories back." You snort, knowing Bucky would feel a slight hint of jealousy in your voice, but you don't care: you've never hid from him you only needed the Winter Soldier, and he was gone.
Bucky doesn't know what to say as a part of him wants to scream there was nothing flimsy about electroconvulsive therapy he went through over and over again, but he looks at you and sees how different you are from him, having no memories of your own, not knowing even your name or the place where you came from. It doesn't scare him, but the fact you had long merged with the Soldier you've become does. You don't separate yourself from her the way he did. In fact, the Soldier had completely absorbed your true persona, and Bucky doesn’t know the real you. He only knows RED, a Soldat who at one point was been created by HYDRA just like all of them were. Despite searching for the information about your past for years, he found nothing, not even the year when you became a part of the organization. Bucky doesn’t think you did it willingly judging by the fact how you reacted when he had been training you among the other Soldiers, but he can’t be sure.
You’re a ghost. None of the masters who had been giving you orders know anything about you except your specialization and things you can do. Bucky supposes there were once people who knew the truth, but all of them are probably dead since the ones he has captured were utterly useless. His only hope is Shuri who might bring whatever is left somewhere deep inside your mind to the surface, yet he isn’t sure she will take you: the more you talk, the more it becomes clear you will not ask her to do it willingly, and Shuri won’t like that. The redemption can only be granted to someone who asks and works for it.
You don’t seem the type.
“What do you want me to do?” He asks you quietly, his forehead almost touching the glass separating you two when Bucky watches you with that pathetic expression of his. “If I let you go, you will return to people you serve. If I bring you to police, you will end up in a lab in the hands of the government.”
You allow him to see your smile as you observe him, desperately hoping you will tell him you will come back to the good guys and stay with him, playing a role of his funny little girlfriend because Bucky Barnes cannot allow himself to form an adequate relationship with any woman who has not been tainted the way he was. It probably seems so tragic to him that he had to spent years trying to catch you.
Although the chair you’re bound to doesn’t let you stand and come over to him, you still lean closer to the window, wearing the same polite but welcoming smile you used to lure your targets closer to you.
“I want you back in that chair, going through the whole process of brainwashing again until you become the Soldat you’ve been. I want you standing with me and feeling as much pain as I did until your sensitivity goes down to zero, and you no longer remember those funny friends of yours. I know you won’t trade your freedom and whatever else you have after getting out, but I don’t need James Buchanan Barnes or White Wolf or whoever you have become. I am RED of HYDRA, and I have bonded with the Winter Soldier you buried, Bucky.”
When he leaves, the massive metal door getting locked ten times the least, you stare at the grey wall beside the glass. You wonder how getting the privilege of remembering his past made him so miserable, a pathetic, broken man who did not understand how lucky he had been, not only breaking free from HYDRA’s grip but gaining his true identity back. He probably pitied himself, poor little boy who had been broken by the big bad guys. He did not understand that all other soldiers who came after him, except the suicide squad made with Stark’s serum, had been turned into ashes. There was nothing left to break in them - and you either.
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Shuri wasn’t happy to hear your story just like he thought, but Bucky couldn’t lie to her, hoping she would understand. Of course, she didn’t, telling him outright it was impossible to treat somebody who didn’t want to be treated. While it was also inhuman, forcing you to do something against your will just like HYDRA has been doing all these years, it also erased the possibility to use the same methods she chose when she treated Bucky.
“You don’t understand,” she tells him, shaking her head, “it’s not that I don’t want to help, but without her cooperating it’s close to impossible. They didn’t use the same ways to program her just like they did to you.”
He isn’t satisfied with her answer even though he knows Shuri wants to help. He can’t leave it like that, leave you to your fate, return you where you belonged, and he keeps asking who or what may be able to help you until she finally tells him something about electrical stimulation of the brain that can awake memories that you have buried. Shuri immediately regrets it, seeing how Bucky’s face lights up.
“It is a very complicated process that requires an extensive medical knowledge. Worse, even if performed correctly, this technique can traumatize her even further. Please don’t do this. We don’t even know if this method will be effective.”
Bucky doesn’t promise her anything, though a part of him feels guilty he made her tell him this. He just has to do it: undoubtedly, HYDRA or whoever you work for now will force you to go through the brainwashing process again, and whatever treatment Shuri told him about can’t be worse than this. If Bucky does everything right, you might stand a chance to live like he does, away from the horrors of the war you had been a part of ever since the organization abducted you. Even if you don’t want it, clearly it is an effect of the memory suppressing machine: any sane human being wants to have a normal life, right?
It takes him months to find and steal the equipment he needs, leaving no traces - it reminds him of the days when he had been under HYDRA’s control, but he does what he has to. Learning how to use the machine is a much more complicated task, but Bucky is grateful for that serum-enhanced brain of his: he nearly swallows the information from the books in record time, reading about sending a burst of electrical energy into your cerebral cortex to stimulate your brain and finally retrieve your memories. Now he knows what Shuri meant by traumatizing, but this doesn’t stop him either. He does what he has to do.
“What is your name?” He repeats after listening to your screams for ten or maybe twenty minutes, your body going limp in the black, cold chair when you open your mouth, breathing heavily, your face stained with tears and sweat.
“Dolores.” You say immediately, knowing he will repeat the procedure if you keep silent, your heat beating wildly. “I grew up... on a small farm in Iowa... I had an older sister... and slept with a big teddy bear with a red ribbon...”
“You are lying.” He says simply, and a jolt of electricity cuts through your head, nearly electrocuting you while you scream again and again.
For some reason he always feels it when you say what he wants to hear instead of the truth. What he doesn’t understand is that the truth he wants has been told months ago: you did not remember and you were not going to remember anything from your past. It was stupid to try. There was nothing left of you, and while he thought he was resurrecting a human in you, he was simply destroying your body that was regenerating every night after the therapy.
When you receive a new jolt, shaking and screaming, tears streaming down your face until they fall down onto your already wet t-shirt, you whisper through gritted teeth, “Either I will have you as my Soldat, or I will not have you at all.”
Bucky presses the button.
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When he is finished he takes you to a bath in the room next to your cell. You almost lose the ability to move for an hour or two, giving him time to prepare you: Bucky undresses you and slowly lowers your body in the tub filled with warm water, watching that you take a comfortable position and don’t slip, effectively suffocating. Today he had almost gone too far, risking to fry your brain: you still refused to give up even after two months of therapy you have gone through, and Bucky isn’t too happy.
Pouring a strawberry-scented shampoo on his palm, Bucky starts to carefully wash your hair that grew longer in the months of captivity, watching that neither shampoo nor the foam gets in your eyes. You are nearly breathless: the serum they gave you made you less stronger than him, but your regeneration abilities are on a whole different level, and soon your body will adjust and erase the damage made.
He asks himself whether keep using the machine makes sense since he didn’t make much progress, the programming still very much in you even after all those incredibly painful sessions. What if you were right from the start? What if there was nothing to remember, and all he could do was to leave you in the state you were in before he destroyed whatever was left of you?
No, he can’t do it. Leaving you means taking away your chance to ever get back to normal life, and he can’t force himself to do that.
Never in his life Bucky Barnes will admit letting you go meant never getting his own happy ending the way he wants it.
“Why reinventing the wheel when you can make it so much easier?” All of a sudden, your hoarse voice whimpers in his ear when you look at him, tiredly moving your head up. “Do what they’ve always done. Use the programming to give me an order.”
A part of him is shocked with the revelation: he wanted to be neither the Soldier nor the one giving him commands. But the other part makes him realize how much easier it would be if he just used what has already been done to you instead of relying on an obviously ineffective method that damaged your mind and body. Of course, he has nothing in common with Karpov sending him on the assassination missions. Bucky only wants you to learn how to become human again, free you from HYDRA once and for all, give you the life you undoubtedly wanted. Even if he uses the same method the organization did until he finds a better way to undo the programming, it is still for your own good.
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amaya-chwan · 3 years
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Takeaways from Therapy Game Restart 13.5
Hello everyone! Hope you've all been well~ ❤️💛💜 It's that time of the month--a new chapter of Therapy Game Restart!
Thank you for being so patient with me! 💜 I've actually started watching more dramas these days, so I've been a tad distracted from reading! If anyone is interested, I just finished watching Begin Again (从结婚开始恋爱) starring Gong Jun and Zhou YuTong! It's a wonderful blend of romance, comedy, and drama (and breaks the fourth wall in an episode, surprisingly! Ahah!)! I highly recommend it! ❤️❤️❤️
Anyway! In this month's Dear+, we have a special side chapter that takes place after Itsuki, Minato, Shizuma, and Shouhei clean up Itsuki's apartment and before Shizuma and Minato's Friday Date (from chapter 13!)
Here is the first page preview from Dear+'s Official Twitter page! 😍
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Since this chapter is really short, I'll just go straight into our summaries! Please continue after the cut for the complete summary (plus some surprises, as usual~ 😉✨)
Our chapter starts with Itsuki, Minato, Shizuma, and Shouhei sitting in an izakaya. Itsuki thanks them for helping him clean his apartment and he is glad he can now welcome Shouhei into his home without any worries! As a treat, he is treating everyone to eat here. While our Secret XXX dorks are being all lovey-dovey to each other, Shizuma commends Minato for helping since morning.
Minato, who isn't in the best of moods, quickly acknowledges Shizuma's comment. We find this is an izakaya Itsuki frequents, so the waitress tells him and the others to take their time and enjoy.
From Minato's inner dialogue, he can't quite understand how his and Shizuma's relationship just went back to normal after their fight, and is mad Shizuma seems to be too normal. Still, Minato finds it difficult to start a conversation with Shizuma despite sitting right next to him. He sips his beer while Shizuma drinks Oolong tea as he is driving.
Shouhei confesses to Itsuki that he still doesn't understand why Itsuki replaced all his electronics. Itsuki says that he's basically treating Shouhei like is own child (?), which Shouhei had suspected all along. He clings onto Itsuki in a flirtatious fashion and mumbles cutely that he wanted to use all the electronics Itsuki used too. Minato, a witness to this scene, is very annoyed.
Minato glances over at Shizuma. He bluntly states that Shizuma shouldn't follow in Itsuki's footsteps (in replacing all his furniture etc.) since Minato's electronics and furniture are still new, and he plans to use them in their new home. He warns Shizuma that Itsuki has quite the savings, so Shizuma, as a newbie to living outside of his familial home, should set his money aside for savings and house deposit/rent.
After saying all that, Minato's mood gets even worse as he actually wanted to tell Shizuma that he'd buy him anything he wants! Shizuma agrees to Minato's warning, and in his inner monologue, he hypes himself up to save money for other furniture they might need.
Itsuki, looking happily at Shizuma and Minato, realises that Minato is growing up, especially since he and Shizuma are now talking about moving in together. Itsuki likens this feeling to a father giving his daughter away (i.e. to her husband). Minato questions this, while Shizuma is shocked.
Shizuma apologises to Itsuki as he had wanted to inform him of their decision properly, but Itsuki tells him it's fine and not to apologise.
Itsuki honestly tells Shizuma that even though Minato can be difficult at times, he is at ease knowing Minato is well taken care of by Shizuma and trusts him to take care of his younger brother. He tells Shizuma he leaves Minato in his hands, to which Shizuma responds with "Of course! I'll treasure him!"
Unable to handle the conversation happening in front of him and the fact that he isn't being looked at or doted on, Minato continues to drink, trying to get very drunk--he even drinks Shouhei's drink. But it fails. He can't get drunk (probably at most, tipsy).
Minato excuses himself to go to the toilet, have a smoke, and get more beer, but he really is just leaving to get out of this situation. Minato realises that he hasn't been able to talk to Shizuma, nor has he been taken care of since getting "drunk", and wonders when he will be able to touch Shizuma.
He smokes in an alleyway and talks to himself. While mentioning that it'd be nice if he could just get a little drunk, a voice behind him asks why he didn't get a stronger liquor. He responds with "My boyfriend is drinking Oolong tea next to me, so having Shochu would definitely look more charming..."
The voice behind him happens to be Shizuma, who tells him to just drink anything he wants. Minato is quite surprised! Shizuma asks Minato if he's alright, but Minato just tries to get Shizuma to go back inside. Shizuma asks again if Minato is really okay, and then the next pages happen:
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Minato, with tears in his eyes, says "Finally!" while Shizuma blushes. Shizuma comforts and teases him at the same time, saying "There, there. You being drunk like this is very adorable." Minato tells him to be quiet, don't talk, and to just support him.
Back in the izakaya, the elderly gentlemen from earlier recall seeing two youngsters having "a sumo match." Shouhei, already quite drunk, tells Itsuki he wants to see it, but Itsuki just tells him they should stay put and wait inside, knowing exactly who the two men are talking about. 😉
And that's it for this special chapter! THANK YOU FOR READING THIS FAR! 💜 📢  As always, please support Hinohara-sensei by purchasing her books and CDs! 📢
As always, stay safe during these turbulent times and look out for each other and for your loved ones! 💜❤️💛
The next chapter will be in next month's (June) Dear+, so hopefully we can get a continuation from that steaminess in chapter 13!
Update 2021-06-01: finally got around to editing this! Thank you for being so patient! 💜
Also, I hate to sound like a broken record, but please refrain from reposting the images I've shared outside of my posts! 😭
But anyway, I'll see you all for the next set of takeaways~ ❤️💛💜
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irepookie · 5 years
Text
Infinity Chapter 4-
Meet The Family (PT.1)
Summary: QUEEN AU where Rog (aka Rowan Queen) is a young single dad struggling to make it into music industry.
Warnings: not really. Just fluff, sappiness and swearwords here and there
Disclaimer: I don't own the pictures. The boys are based on Queen, but Piper, Gina and Callie are mine
John: Rick Lincoln (Cause he is John Richard Deacon born on August 19th 1951™™™™™)
Brian: Terry Garrett (Cause my uncle used to have a black puddle named Terry and I had no choice)
Freddie: Len Mars (Yea I couldn't help myself)
Chapter 4- Row opens up with the boys about the raisin.
“I'm a dad”........
"Okay, let's... let's get over this again: A daughter?" Terry, the band's guitarist couldn't believe his ears.
"Yes, Terry. A daughter" Row repeated for the 19th time from the other side of the phone.
"A baby." Len said, taking another sip of his tequila.
"No, a 30 year old alpaca." Row said sarcastically. "Yes, a goddamn baby. Fucking gorgeous, just so you know"
"And you're gonna keep her." Rick, who had been quietly plunking his bass' strings, added. "Are you sure?"
"It's done. I've already kept her. And it's not like I'm rescuing a shelter dog. She's mine. Period."
"Sorry, was just trying to... Wrap my head around it"
To be honest, Row still couldn't quite believe it (that he was a father). Not even now, as he tried to convince his best friends while holding his girl with the other arm.
"And is your mom okay with it?" Terry asked
He scoffed, clutching his Lil raisin close at the thought "My mom has no say in this".
"But she knows" Rick said.
He sighed "Yes, she knows. And she was a bitch about it, okay? She can disown me for all I care". It's not like there was much to inherit, anyway.
There was a general sigh from his three best friends.
"And what are you gonna do?"
" 'bout what?"
"Um, I don't know, man. About School? Maybe about your life in general?"
"School ain't something I'm worrying about".
"What a surprise" Rick rolled his eyes.
"But you're still in the band right?" Len said
"Oh, of course. Of course. You guys are gonna be the only ones keeping me sane"
They chuckled
"But we ain't gonna babysit for you, huh?"
"As if you knew anything about babies"
"Well, the same as you." Terry said
"Just what I was saying: nothing at all" Row grinned
"Her future looks bright, then" Len half teased.
"Incandescent, in fact" Row could pretty much hear Terry's arched eyebrow.
The youngest member could only roll his eyes and try not to take it as an insult. He knew this was a lot to process all of a sudden and that in the inside, beyond the sarcasm and teasing, they were happy for him.
"Whatever, guys" he replied, as Pips began to frown. He sighed, knowing that meant smelly treat was on its way "Gotta go. By the way, she just told me she thinks you guys stink" he grinned, before hanging up.
The other three men exchanged a confused glance, and stayed in silence for a minute, until Len broke it:
"I say he'll go completely nuts in seven days".
"That long? Nah, I think less than 24 hours after they leave the hospital." Terry said
Len smirked "Bet?"
"I'm a bit tight at the moment, pal"
"Then not money. If I win, you'll be my model for the midterm design project. It's 30's fashion. For ladies, of course".
"Ok. But if I win you'll do my chores for a whole weeks."
"A whole week?!"
"Seven days, if you prefer it."
They shook hands "Deal. Rick? Join us?"
"I actually rather believe that they'll be alright" Rick got up and stretched.
"Well of course they will. Eventually. Row always figures things out." T said
"The fun part is to watch him go crazy in the meantime" Len chuckled "Like when he first moved in and left a fork in the plate when first using the microwave"
They laughed, remembering how their friend had called them at 9 PM in panic, screaming the microwave had exploded.
"Let's just hope for the best. I mean he seemed quite sure of himself this time. And who knows, maybe being a dad is the best way to grow up." Rick defended
"Yea, well a bit radical, don't you think?" Len said
"Like sock therapy. If smokers quit when diagnosed with lung cancer, maybe Row settles down now he has a baby"
"I just still don't get why he didn't just put her in adoption" T said
Rick shrugged "Would you if you were in his shoes?"
"Absolutely"
"That's exactly how Row would've answered, say, a week ago. That's what we all answer. Until it really happens. I think it's one of those situations where you can't really picture until you live it."
"But this is Rowan Queen we're talking about. Rowan <<Made out with both Jones Twins at the same party Cause I didn't remember which was which>> Queen. I mean, he does know that a kid is gonna freeze his sex life for indefinite time, right? What the hell was going through his head?" Terry said
"I can't believe you think that." Len interjected "I mean, I'm the one who's never gonna be a dad here, and the one who failed biology, but even I get it. He met her right? Before any decision was made, he met her. Once you meet your kid, you're tangled up forever. And you might think you're not but if you give them away you'll never get rid of a feeling of remorse."
"Wow, Lenny, that was deep"
"Yea, where'd you get that from?"
"Just common sense."
"Funny, considering you're the one who's started the bet" Rick grinned
"One thing doesn't prevent the other. And out of the two of us, I'm the optimistic! He gave him one day, I gave him seven! I trust him"
"Well I'm not sure if I do. I mean, I love him, he's a great guy, a great musician, and everything else, but he's not reliable. Remember his first job as a waiter? I'm still waiting for the fish and chips I ordered last April"
The other two chuckled "I once lent him a t-shirt, and I swear I saw Liz Michael's wearing it" Len said
"See what I mean?"
"Yes, well, we can't do anything about it, T. It's his life"
"But this affects us too, one way or another. This affects the band. And he didn't even consult us"
"Well what did you expect him to do? Call and go <<Hey guys, are you fine with me having a daughter? No? Okay, just checking. Bye>>?" Rick imitated a phone with his hand, doing a decent impression of their friend's high voice.
"A head's up would have been nice"
"Terry, just chill for fucks shake. I mean, this is unexpected, but Row's our best friend, our brother, and we have to support him. Because, if he's a dad, that's makes us her uncle's. And it'll be fun having a little niece we can spoil" Len smiled at the idea.
"Spoil? With what money?" Terry, always realistic, put his hands on his hips
"With the upcoming tour's, of course darlings" he twirled majestically around the room
"First, that's in four months" Rick reminded
"If it does happen at all"
They still had one last song to arrange And record. Plus, they didn't know how Row was gonna make it work now he had a baby. But nobody addressed that concern out loud.
"Oh don't be so goddamn negative, fellas! C'mon! We're uncle's! Row's made a very important, life-changing, mature decision, and we should be proud of him. So" he went to the fridge and returned with three beers "I say we toast for him and the lil Queenie"
The other two grinned and accepted the cans, opening them.
"Oh, I say we Split a fourth beer in his behalf, cause parents shouldn't drink while breastfeeding" Terry mocked, earning a laugh
"To the Queens" Rick raised his can "For our little bro to take this seriously and not fuck this kid up"
"To the Queens" Terry and Len crashed theirs as well.
🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁
Meanwhile, in the hospital...
"Goddamn it, raisin! How can someone so small produce so many colors of something so stinky?" Row exclaimed, holding his breath as he clipped the fresh nappy on his daughter "We only feed you milk! Like... Like white milk! How can you turn a white liquid into rainbow pudding? Holy shit" he held the dirty one at arms length and threw it in the bin "It's a damn good thing I love you, cause I won't do this for anyone else" he told her, lifting her up to his chest again before walking around the room
"You gonna be a good girl for me for the next eighteen years? Huh?" He kissed her chubby cheek "What am I saying? You're my daughter, of course you're gonna be a trouble maker. But we'll get along, you'll see. I ain't gonna be like my parents. Don't worry. I won't be a bloody pain in the ass like mom, and I will never ever do anything my old man did. That I can promise. But I gotta admit I do want you to be like Gina. Yea, she's a control freak sometimes, but let's face it: she's gotta be the strongest person I've ever met. You should've seen her kicking the bastard out the house. She took no shit."
He smiled somewhat proudly at the memory, and for a second forgot how mad he was at her for turning her back on them.
"You wanna be a badass gurl like her? Huh? Yes you do. Yes you do" he cooed, craning his neck so he could brush his nose with her little button one. Her fist chose to close around the nearest strands of blond hair on reach, which he found secretly adorable.
But a part of him did wish he had mom's support. After all, despite the rough patches through his teens, they had always had each other's back; through thick and thin. She had have to raise him all alone, and although he hadn't even begun with Pips, he already knew it hadn't been easy. She may be stern, and a bit inflexible when it came to negotiating allowance. She could come across as rude if you caught her in the wrong mood (which many neighbors had) but above all she was a good person and a good mother.
And looking back, he hadn't been such a great son. He could have been more responsible, less handful and more obedient. Less rebellious, too. He could have thanked her more often for the thousand things she did everyday. For the meals. For all the jobs she had taken to provide for the two of them. For the surprise birthday gift she had got him with the money she had been saving: a real drum kit. For helping him move out her house into that one room crappy appartement which would be Pip's home.
But still she had rejected Piper without a second thought, regardless of her anger towards him; Pips was her granddaughter, she had done nothing wrong and as her father, Row doubted he would ever forgive Gina.
He sighed, untangling the hand of his hair and bringing it to his lips "But you don't have to worry about all that. Just concentrate on staying strong and growing up. And I promise I'll focus all of me on being the best dad. That you'll never miss a mom cause you don't need one. You've got me and I swear I'll be enough. Even if I'm still young: I'll have it all more fresh won't I?" He grinned "You're the one person who's never judged me yet, and I don't wanna let you down"
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That a was vow. And he was determined to keep it.
🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁🥁
This one goes to my mega-paragraphist @definitely-darcy who's got my engine going through the usual inspiration blocks, and who's reviews help me improve. She's made me believe in this fic, and encouraged me to keep going despite the one digit notes.
Xx- Pookie
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moonlit-maiden · 6 years
Note
I'm 21. I currently live with my parents due to taking a gap semester to deal with my mental health. Part of me hates it. My dad's never really tried to understand my depression, and every time I've tried to explain it he just lectures me on how I 'have to power through it,' and etc. On top of my part-time job, he gives me lists of chores to complete (from one to five or six). If I don't get them done by the time he gets back from work he'll... not yell at me, he doesn't raise his voice, but 1/3
his tone sounds like he’s issuing orders he expects to be obeyed. Sometimes, if he sees me ‘lazing about’ he’ll give me another task to do. I honestly feel better when he is not in the house and whenever he is I’m stressed that he’ll come find me and either give me another chore or yell at me. Even now, I’m typing this on mobile on my old phone from the storage-turned-crawlspace under my bed, because he’s confiscated my computer and phone for not having my room clean enough. Even though I ama naturally cluttered person and can’t keep any personal space of mine organized for longer than a couple days. He’s never hit me or anything like that, but I’ve honestly considered packing a couple bags and driving to my grandparents’ to get away from him for awhile, despite the fact it would cost me my job. I don’t know what to do. I know you don’t normally get asks like this, but I didn’t know who else to ask. 
This is overdue and I’m SO SO SORRY!!!
Now, as a disclaimer I am more used to parents being “harsh” then others due to that’s how my own parents disciplined me. That being said, form what you’ve said your father has very much moved from discipline territory to abuse territory. Abuse is not just slapping someone around; emotional and psychological abuse happens too.
Now, asking you to do chores while under their roof is not unreasonable. It’s pretty common to ask that of adult children who are still living at home (I had to do it myself). However, treating you like a disobedient servant IS unreasonable. Taking away your personal affects when you are over 18 IS controlling and abusive. It doesn’t matter if he hasn’t hit you; these are warning signs.
I do have a few questions for you to consider; have you told your father about how his actions are crossing the line? I’ve experienced that parents tend to have a hard time transitioning from having a child to an adult child. They tend to still treat the adult child as a little kid they need to discipline (which is how he’s acting tbh). Making him aware of that might help because he may not even realize he’s doing that; it’s just a habit. Have you talked to your mom about this? What does she think? IF you truly wish to remove yourself from the environment, talk to your grandparents first and explain what is going on in a  calm, detailed manner. Then ask if you can stay over for a while. Do not simply “drop in” because that could send a “fighting words” message, if you will.
I know it’s hard being in that kind of situation. I’ve decided recently that in the new year I’ll be going to therapy to start handling my PTSD and a support group for my food addiction issues. My mom keeps switching hot-cold on it, being supportive one second and then telling me to “get over it” and “have discipline” the next. I don’t even talk about it to my dad. They were raised in a culture that unless the mental issue is serious (like BPD, schizophrenia) it doesn’t exist and you just “power through” as your father says. So I know it’s hard for them to understand. On that end, my best advice to you is to be patient and keep explaining with facts and statistics. Going to therapy or getting the proper medication to help with the depression will show your father it’s real, particularly as you recover finally. Unlike a broken bone, mental issues are not viable unless very far gone.
Know that you are doing nothing wrong. Your are trying to solve an issue as maturely as you can and that is very important imo. Don’t give up and know that you are doing your best to heal and recover in a healthy way. If you have to do it without the support of your parents so be it; you ARE strong enough to do it if you must.
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