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#he said i insisted
azenta · 3 hours ago
To continue on the last rant...
#the two guys finally admitted. one saturday the other sunday. it finally concluded repatively well for these two#at least more so for one of the two who made some realisation. the other... not so much. still to be watched tbh.#but still. the others i had a doubt about were still on thin ice this weekend.#and pretty sure they did much more than we will ever really know. but that's on them acting dumb in therapy.#at least the dude that is like my ex finally leave tomorrow. and god im relieved.#he insisted idk how many time to just casually hang out after his therapy with some others from the therapy#and i refused and explained politely all while being firm that it wasnt possible each single fucking duckling time#no dude. you dont understand. this one rule protects my ass from people like you.#you have your own suffering yes but when it threatens my own well being i swear ill protect myself against it.#he acted like a dick tonight with his therapy buddy by inventing that other of my colleagues organized a gathering with other clients#around the end of june. and then started laughing at me when i straight out said 'no it's false' to the shit they said.#as some form of way to make me doubt and convince me to come. like. my dudes. im not naive. i swear im not.#im in fact extremely fucking distrustful. when i go along it's because of that retarded stupid ass people pleasing pattern i have.#but when you hit the 'doubt' box in my mind...#i swear you wont have the time to process wtf is happening that i will be gone and far away from your orbit#and you triggered that box the day you arrived at the center. so dont expect to get away with some disgusting manipulative tactics#anyway...#im just glad he's finally leaving. the worst is everyone liked him. because dudes like him are sadly charismatic af.#tho also im aware he had great qualities and isnt fundamentally a bad person. but he still has that destructive side with people unhealed#it's only a question of time...#im still angry and wary x1000 about that shit that happened this evening...#lets bet he'll try to reach me out some way or another at some point in the next few weeks...#i really hope not tho... i hope im just being overly distrustful#rant#personal
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sometimes i wonder if my father’s toxic (or possibly even abusive) behavior is only something I notice bc it feels like everyone else in my family never tries to avoid triggering him and his behavior is eye roll inducing at best for them meanwhile he slams his plate down and i feel like running the other way and can’t calm down for the rest of the day
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lemememeringue · 2 days ago
thinking abt how my mother sees me
#mine#we had a talk yesterday which prompted the discussion of God and worship music and me typing the word waifu to deal psychic damage#anyway she prayed for me as she tends to do and kept asking God to essentially make me work the way He designed me#and then rattled off a list of pleasant enough qualities most humans (myself included) have#but in that list she said '' in control over her emotions '' as one of my innate qualities and it just kinda struck me all at once#I want to remind y'all that I got diagnosed at age 2 because I was just that awful to be around and things have Not improved on that front#I'm p sure of all my God-given virtues.. emotional regulation isn't one of them#anyway I brought this up to her and she insisted that even tho I do have extreme ups and downs.. I am very level headed in a crisis#and that's a sign of emotional control. ... I can see the logic but I disagree bc I'm not doing smth In Spite of how I feel in those cases#like the reason I'm not freaking out is bc I do not feel the fear. you can't control what's not there.#plus the time she talked abt was when she was sick and I had to keep the house together. did I thrive? yes. was I emotionally stable? eh.#I had a blast during that time. I wasn't scared bc death and pain didn't Mean anything to me yet. I literally couldn't process consequences.#plus I had control. real control. I knew exactly what was going on always and had a support group of adults who treated me with respect#and almost as a peer#I thrived bc I didn't have any problems. mum had problems. the family that couldn't be with us had problems.#those church ladies who worked so hard to keep me engaged and out of the house had problems. but me? I was blissed#and that's so different from every other point in my life. as soon as my personal agency was removed I couldn't function again#idk maybe that is technically '' in control of emotions '' but it's easy when you're already in control of everything else#the real struggle is controlling emotions when everything is Outside of your control#I do like remembering that strange time in my life. I don't wish to be 13 again but it's good to have a frame of reference for peace#that was the most stable time in my childhood ironically.#a weird oasis between the domestic violence and... I don't actually remember what came after that. I assume more violence.
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Tonight I'm quietly seething bc I can't stop thinking about the therapist who decided I have social anxiety, despite me telling him repeatedly I don't think that fits, and used twisted versions of things I'd told him to justify the diagnosis. And then he was confused when next session I was agitated and upset, but wouldn't explain why.
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rubashev · a month ago
been thinkin abt my taste in men trying to unlearn certain attitudes that make me feel awful abt myself and realizing how much of it's just the most fragile masculinity shit ever lmao. like I have absolutely no interest in guys who are a lot heavier/more muscular than me mostly just bc being significantly smaller and weaker feels emasculating. which is pathetic lmao? if a cis guy said that it'd be fucking ridiculous?
on the other hand that austrian boy I had a big desperate crush on in 2019 told me more than once that I'm more masculine than him and once called me chivalrous and like. embarrassing to even say it but god that shit drove me WILD man it felt so fucking good to hear him say it. cringe tbh like could I possibly be more clearly insecure
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littlerockerao3 · a month ago
I’ve been posting s&b stuff but the truth is that I’m already done with it and can barely stand it anymore.
#I wish I didn’t read the book/watch the series at all cause now I have an opinion about it and the stuff on the fandom I see#and it’s exhausting#I’ve filtered the d*rklina tag but just seeing the ‘this post contains the filtered tag d*rklina makes me gag#and it’s not because I ship m*lina it’s because it makes me sick to think as d*rklina as actually romantic#cause I don’t know about you guys but it’s already uncomfortable enough when someone tries to force you doing something in the ‘gentle’ way#you know like playing it cool yet insisting and insisting maybe with a smile and going like ‘come on please come on it’ll be fine please’#and shit like that cause I’ve been there and it’s disgusting and it made me feel uncomfortable#therefore when I see someone forcing somebody else doing something they don’t want to do with fucking violence I feel like that’s even worse#with this being said I don’t mean you don’t have to ship it because I said so or because I hate it#but the reason why I hate it ain’t solely because I like other ships it’s because of a personal matter#even if y’all think he loved her that’s not what matter#what matters is the way he showed it#he showed it that way and that is a huge NO for me#cause the way the d*rkling acts towards *lina fucking scares me okay#that’s the last thing I’d want in a relationship and it actually HURTS me to see how people find this beautiful instead#cause I don’t like constant fear okay? I don’t like it.#if you’ve come this far reading then I’m sorry#but the thing is: I don’t give a flying fuck about the d*rkling but d*rklina is the real problem with me
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tenshindon · a month ago
Someone else- 'i dont get tien sometimes, i can never fet a read on him.'
Yamcha-'what do you mean? Hes so expressive!'
Tien - :|
Yamcha’ll be very open and lovey dovey with tien like verbally saying I Love You <3 or just bein really touchy and overall affectionate but with tien it’s like if not just grabbing Yamcha’s hand from time to time or pullin ‘im into a side hug he just gives very deadpan statements like ‘your hair looks different today :|’ which To An Outsider might be ???? but Yamcha Knows and he does a lil giggle like Aha Really I Used A New Shampoo 👉👈
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