#he did that. he chose to do that. a hallmark of abuse is how unpredictable it is i suppose. but now for the first time in my life

[serialreblogger]

Got my own place!

#i moved out a few days ago #which is (partly) why i've been relatively quiet lately #apologies for the #personal #content i know it's not terribly interesting but this is fairly major for me and there's... #well. it's my blog i suppose i'm allowed to post about myself once in a blue moon right? #anyway what's absolutely wild is that for the first time in my life going on high alert at every sound isn't actually justified #like. for the first time in my life i'm having like... a disordered level of trauma-hyperawareness #like i didn't really realize until now just how exhausting it was at home. knowing it was unhealthy and unnecessary #to be on high alert all the time (every second of the day especially when dad was home) #but even if it wasn't *necessary* in recent years it always MIGHT have been. i learned from my entire childhood that i could never be safe #he did that. he chose to do that. a hallmark of abuse is how unpredictable it is i suppose. but now for the first time in my life #i'm. safe #i'm safe #and i don't quite know how to cope with that #how do i live when every sound is a safe one? how do i live when i know there's no one waiting for the opportunity/inclination to hurt me? #one thing i'm realizing is that i remain significantly more fucked up than previously assumed #(or at least. than i'd previously assumed. or than i'd allowed myself to acknowledge for my own protection) #i don't want to see him again i know that much #and i also know i can't avoid it #what right do i have? he hasn't done anything in years #no. that's a lie. he pinned me against the wall barely months ago #he's fucking abusive and i don't care that he isn't anymore he has never been sorry or tried to make amends and i don't want to see him #hm. that's a conversation to have with the sisters i think. and then mom #god i have no idea how to do this #might be wiser to just suck it up and keep on faking it #...no. that's no way to heal. i can't keep doing that. not when i have a choice #well. i'll think it through #i'll think it through and choose my steps as wisely as i can. what more can one do? #linden's originals