#having regular appointments again after years of almost complete isolation is a Lot

[pcnumbras]

❛ lily james, cis female, she/her, 56 ✶ was that isla nightingale gracing the streets of alestria? i heard the aries’s order is the harpy, and rumor has it they are observant + secretive which must be why they are a spy. their allegiances are currently with the crown, but who knows how serious that is. ❜ lia . 26 . cst . she / her . [ @solariarb ]

stats

name: isla nightingale (it’s rare that she gives her full name) current alias: elina date of birth: april 5, 1965 (is around 56, but looks 32) sign: aries  gender: cisfemale orientation: bisexual birthplace: unspecified, was found somewhere in the northern mountains. hometown: alestria family: unknown, raised by an ex head guard of the castle. (earl nightingale)

story

a kid left to her own devices, one that never knew the warmth of a parental embrace and was forced to fend for herself in the rocky mountains. she has no recollection whatsoever on how she ended in such a place and her earliest memory, besides the aimless wandering on a hopeless land, was of the man who found her and took her to alestria. 

a simple guard, earl, sent to a mission to the northern mountains. it was an accident that he stumbled upon a little girl, one that seemed almost feral as she bared her teeth in a silent hiss. this should’ve been enough of a warning for him to continue his path, but had he done so, he would’ve missed how she seemed to control the shadows to conceal herself from any danger. it was all instinctual back then, and the guard immediately noticed the little to no control she had over this, but he knew of another harpy with a similar gift. all it takes is a moment for him to know that she’d be a great asset to the guard with the right upbringing.

asking for her name, all he got as an answer was a shrug and an “i dont have one”. he lowered his sword, raised his hands to not appear as a thread and promised her a better life if she decided to come along with him. it was an easy decision to make, after all, he was her one-way ticket out of the tundra to a promised land.

before returning to the palace, the guard made one last stop… somewhere in the outskirts of alestria where a small cabin could be found amidst the trees. it was a  place rumored to be abandoned, even haunted. truth was, a fae well over one hundred years lived there in secrecy and self-exile; her strong opinions against the crown earned her an awful reputation and she decided to make herself a home away from alestria. the guard knocked on her door and she easily understood the situation after a simple “you owe me one” and being briefed about what he saw in the mountains. 

bidding goodbyes, the next time the little girl saw the guard, she wasn’t so little anymore. 

she was able to learn more about herself and her abilities while living with evanora, her “mentor” (she never allowed the girl to regard her as a mother), but something about alestria always caught isla’s (name given by evanora) attention. from a young age, isla learnt to disguise herself in order to sneak out of the cabin and into the town. it’s not that evanora wasn’t aware of her little antics, but more so she knew that it’d be a good practice for what earl had in mind for her future. 

isla developed an affinity to observe and pay attention to others and despite the isolation, she intuitively understood how to move and convince people in order to accomplish something, mostly always getting free goods from the townspeople.

it was around sixteen when earl, once again, came knocking to their little cabin. now, he was the head guard and had plans for isla. the first one involved taking classes in the alestria academy. it was all part of a bigger scheme; he needed her to learn certain things for what he had envisioned. along with her regular classes, earl came up with a training plan for her to start immediately along with other soon-to-be guards.

much to earl’s content, isla had very much developed a set of skills that only needed to be honed. he noticed how easily she managed to connect with others and he never missed her wandering fingers with the affinity to take things that weren’t her own. he saw, too, her way with words and how, with a whispered nothing, she’d get anyone to do whatever she wanted or turn against their closest friend. isla knew how to manipulate the narrative in her favor and she did so in a way that the trust invested in her was never broken. 

graduation comes and isla thought she’d become a guard much like her peers… but earl had something else in mind. under his personal recommendation, she was sent to small missions, mostly to recollect information and keep tabs on people around alestria, which she fulfilled with ease: disguising herself within the shadows always came in handy. it started with merchants who earl suspected had shady dealings... until the day came that she was appointed to work for the royals as a spy when she turned twenty six. 

it’s only then that she becomes aware of how earl had a perfectly manufactured masterplan. the extra private classes she had to take on diplomacy, royal affairs and history, etiquette… everything made sense and, even though she’s not completely sure of her allegiance to the crown, she was satisfied to have a purpose. she finally found one. 

thirty years have passed since her very first official mission and even though earl passed away in a tragic fight, she remains committed and dutiful to her job; fulfilling any request the royals have for her. when she’s stagnant, she likes to take other miscellaneous jobs as a cover and, if asked, her story is ever changing. one day she can be marie, the daughter of some merchants from a faraway land and the next one she’s olivia, a widow of an honorable doctor. right now she goes by elina, a waitress somewhere in astra avenue waiting on her next assignment. 

personality

gifted at reading people, even those she’s just met, quickly assessing and mirroring their emotions, expressions and body language, granting her great insight into people and allowing her to establish rapport with them rather fast.

she’s direct and has an ability in calling out failures with a chilling degree of insensitivity, not shy about pointing out what could’ve been done better or being honest about what she sees. isla tends to be blunt and driven to get things done, becoming critical, brusque and hostile in the pursuit of her and the crown’s goals.

if there’s anything she loves, it’s a good challenge. she avoids being weak, vulnerable, controlled or manipulated, embodying the gifts of charisma and confidence. when the situation calls for it, isla has a tendency of becoming confrontational and has difficulty backing down or admitting defeat, pushing things to the edge.

emotional expression isn’t isla’s strong suit, she actually tends to distance from her emotions, especially in public. in her line of business, she thinks that such displays are displays of weakness. she might not pick up on emotional subtleties in other people that she’s not as close with. isla might look like someone strong, independent and with her life apparently sorted out, but beneath that front she’s worked so hard to build lies an insecure woman with a lot of fears, one of them being caught off guard, getting harmed or being humiliated.

puts a lot of pressure on herself to perform a certain way and will constantly second-guess herself, never quite sure if her behavior is being received well. not being connected to her emotions only adds to her insecurity and it’s the reason why she becomes unsure about people either liking or judging her. she also has a secret need for validation, thus the pressure only increases. even though she will never voice this, isla feels fulfilled when her efforts and ideas are recognized.

owner of a natural confidence that generates influence around her, isla takes a great deal of pride and joy in the abilities she has worked hard to master over the years. though, she has a tendency of overestimating her own development and those that don’t know her well, might mistake it with arrogance. her speech isn’t helpful to avoid these misunderstandings: when coming face to face with someone that is in direct conflict with her beliefs and way of working, she puts a barrier between her and the person, becoming albeit defensive and purposely trying to talk down the other.

#— ❛❛ // OOC #solaria.intro #— ❛❛ // 𝖎𝖘𝖑𝖆 𝖓𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖆𝖑𝖊 ¦ THE OPAQUE

[wallabywannabe]

Long life update post ahead!

I officially don’t work at Pet Supplies Plus anymore!! The retail burden is lifted! The people I worked at there were all great-(honestly. There were some people that I had worked with there who were Not Great but none of them are there anymore). Working there was a really important step in my life and marked the beginning of the truly stable climb out of the dysfunction-producing depression that i’d been stuck in for so long. It morphed into a a much more functional depression and I acquired so much confidence because other people saw me as hard working, reliable, and efficient. I couldn’t be those things for myself yet, but I could be those for work.

But I was underpaid-the people who benefited from my hard work had no control over my salary-and I needed health insurance before I turn 26 in October. So I’d been looking for a new job for 9 months. And this is something I’m constantly trying not to be ashamed of but still am deep down--I still haven’t finished my bachelors. Because I still have so many mental hang ups when it comes to completing a class-doing homework, showing up to lectures, turning in assignments. That’s where the dysfunctional bit started, and that’s going to be the last thing that will become easy to do again. Because it really used to be easy. And it is still easy for me on a physical level-my brain works just fine when it comes to the understanding and completing---it’s just the mental everest that sometimes pops up first that I have to climb that’s hard. I think that is shame-based too. I feel too old to be taking these classes, to have classes that I still haven’t taken yet. To know that my little sister who is 4 years younger than me is going to graduate before I do. And sometimes I just can’t face that. That’s the part that’s hard.

But anyway, not having a bachelors obviously was a hindrance in the job search. And I got rejected so much! SO much. Which is great, because it means I applied to so much, and as you know, I only received rejections from a small portion of jobs that I didn’t get. And also, i got really good at receiving rejection which is a life skill that will probably help me just as much as all the therapy I’ve been through.

There were a few times when I got really close to a job, but I had to turn it down because the location made it not worth it, or a few I just never called back because I realized when I got the interview I could never do that job. But mostly it was not hearing back from anything and rejections.. And then the best job out of any that I had applied to so far came along--in biology research, the field I want to go into, at U of M, a permanent position, close to home, full time, benefits, didn’t require a bachelors, excellent for my resume, great people, interesting subject--and I got it. After all those rejections, I got the one that mattered. And I’m still actually getting rejection emails from jobs that I applied to months ago, which is great because I didn’t want those anyway! I wanted this one! It must have showed.

And I started 3 weeks ago and I’m so confident in myself and my abilities that I haven’t even been nervous once. It’s very refreshing to be doing something with enough structure and is important enough that there’s always someone there to ask questions and make sure you’re doing something correctly, and I”m taking advantage of that because I didn’t have much of that at my last job. However, I genuinely don’t have a lot of big questions or uncertainties about anything so far. I’m getting better at the procedures the more I do them of course, but if I’m worried that anything might have gone wrong I report it to my lab manager right away, because she made it very clear that she appreciates that and I get the impression that she would never be upset with honesty and is always ready to brainstorm a solution to any problem or mistake. I did some DNA/RNA extractions last week and I got reasonable DNA concentrations but the RNA concentrations didn’t make sense, so she’s going to run the same samples this week and we will try to isolate where I went wrong. She didn’t phrase it like that, but I wouldn’t be hurt if she did, because clearly something happened and I would very much like to figure it out! And I’m not nervous about that either. But otherwise, I’m getting the hang of things and only need to do a bit of fine tuning here and there now and again.

I have a confession to make, which I haven’t told my therapist or anyone about yet...but I stopped taking my medication. I realized I was running low and I didn’t get it refilled and instead just tapered off. That was not the right thing to do, as any doctor or therapist will tell you, it’s best not to make medication changes a) without consulting your doctor and b) in the middle of a major life change. And it’s weird because I’d been very pleased with how well this medicine worked for me (prozac, of all things! The most basic answer!). I’ve been on drugs that didn’t work out before, but I’m not of the mindset that I want to have an end goal of eliminating all drugs. I figured if I needed to take a prescription forever, no big deal. I have to take an antihistamine almost every day too. But when I ran out of the prescription I just felt like yeah, it’s time. I felt the familiar feeling of uncomfortable excitement that happened when I waited too long between doses for a few days, but it was easily assuaged by a few deep breaths and then I went back to business, and it faded completely. Fortunately prozac withdrawal is pretty simple and I was lucky. (disclaimer: that is not the case with many antidepressants! I withdrew from Pristiq mistakenly once and I was half convinced I was an alien species living in a human body. Kind of makes me wonder about some of the psychiatry recommends these days for mental health issues--if there’s risk of introducing such a dramatic instability, is it really advisable to try them at all? but that’s a topic for another post. Or preferably a paper in a psychiatric journal written by an actual doctor.)

Anyway I lucked out with that. I still actually have some left so if I had need to go back on it I easily could have, but I really don’t feel like I need to or want to now. I’m actually doing more cleaning and getting my life in order outside of work these past few weeks that I had been before, which is probably due to this job that I love with this nice normal schedule. And I will have weekends completely off now too, every week, and I think that will make things even better.

There weren’t any classes that I could take for my major over the summer so I haven’t had school these past couple of months which has made things very easy. And with a 9-5 weekday job now, I won’t have much room to take more than one or two classes a semester for the imminent future, which is nice workload-wise, but it does put off my graduation date even farther. That only matters as a point of pride which I will probably always struggle with whenever my graduation year comes up in the future even after I graduate. But it doesn’t really matter logistically, because I have a good job with benefits and I will be on track for yearly raises, and by the time I do graduate and decide to move on to grad school applications I will have a wealth of hands on lab experience already.

I was kind of thinking that I’d start saving up for a car and consider moving to a house with a yard and getting a dog in the next year, but I think I will put that off into the more distant future, probably renew my lease here again. Right now I”m 2 blocks from the campus where I go to school, and I’m directly on the bus route that goes straight to my work. If I were to get a car I wouldn’t even use it to go to and from work because parking is so expensive to park close, or I could park for free and take a shuttle but then that would make my commute just as long and more complicated than taking the bus anyway. 

Instead I’m going to put the car on hold and get this hyperthyroidism treatment for Wendy my elderly cat done. I’m going to make an appointment to get the preliminary tests done tomorrow at my regular vet. The actual procedure will probably have to be done at Michigan State. It has a very high success rate and negligible side effects. The only reason I’ve been on the fence is because of the cost. But I have a better job now, and the reason I adopted this cat was to give her the best quality of life possible. Other people raise their eyebrows when I bring it up, because she’s 16 and has other health problems, but it’s not like she’s on her deathbed! She can only feel better once her thyroid is working correctly! The main exception being that she might gain some (much needed!) weight which would put more strain on her arthritic joints, but I have to think added muscle mass will help with that.

Delilah, who had been blessed with healthy teeth until now which has been much appreciated by me considering the teeth brushing attempts have failed and she won’t touch raw bones yet, does need to have dental work done at last so we will schedule that too. And then I’m going to try to brush her teeth again because I haven’t completely given up on that!

#text #mypost

[reekierevelator]

A Visitor

A short story by Brian Bourner in times of covid

We had been in the grip of the covid-19 pandemic for well over a year but the new vaccines finally had it on the run. The country was opening up again. We were at last officially allowed to mingle freely. But the world had changed.

Radio and TV still talked endlessly of the problems faced by students who had missed out on education, of how domestic abuse cases had soared and mental health problems had multiplied. The light the pandemic had thrown on endemic problems of race and poverty constantly reverberated. People had reached a new appreciation of who were society’s real ‘key workers’ and knew they were undervalued and criminally underpaid. Floods, fires, and murders, still barely achieved a mention even in the local news.

Business practice had also changed radically. Companies like mine now saw no reason not to allow employees to continue to work from home. Like many other firms they were in the process of selling off their office building for conversion into much needed housing.  Visual contact with other people via computer technology had become the normal mode of interaction. Lack of interpersonal social contact no longer singled you out as unusual in any way. The exotic video meetings and video phone calls of a couple of years ago had long since become boringly routine.

I had always been asthmatic and a brush with tuberculosis a few years back had hardly helped. The constant pandemic fear of infection had marked my psyche indelibly. For people like me, at high risk from the virus, shielding and self-isolating for months on end had become second nature, the new normal, and was psychologically imprinted. I lived like a medieval hermit in a cave, dependent on local villagers to bring me food. At thirty-seven I was otherwise self-sufficient, happy to live alone in isolation. The last thing I wanted was to risk infection from physical meetings with other people.  

Occasionally new variations of the virus still cropped up here and there. Announcements of quarantine arrangements and local lockdowns had become mundane, barely newsworthy.  Likewise, there were still deaths and hospitalisations, but not the thousands experienced at the pandemic’s height. Health was no longer top of the government’s agenda. Despite innumerable ‘long covid’ cases, and people suffering long-lasting psychological after-effects, the government’s focus had shifted inexorably back to the economy.  

 When the doorbell rang on Monday morning I was slaving over my laptop, just as I had been all morning, trying to complete a company report. I was still in my pyjamas. I still needed to wash and dress ahead of a video business meeting scheduled for 12.00 noon.  But the doorbell was insistent. Angrily I threw open the front door expecting to find yet another box of groceries on the doorstep, or some hot food I’d forgotten I’d ordered, or even some parcel delivery man waiting for a signature.

Instead I found myself facing a woman dressed rather shabbily who was carrying a grubby old holdall.  Initially shocked at the lack of face mask I remembered that things had moved on. Her mud-spattered black coat was buttoned to the top and flapped around a slender body. Though hairdressers had been open for a few weeks now she had clearly been unable to secure an appointment. Her frizzy auburn hair sprouted from her head like weeds. A long narrow face attempted a smile but her skin was lined and weather-beaten. She looked exhausted. Her dark eyes, set far back in her ruddy crumpled skin, bored into mine, pleading and watery. When she opened her mouth and said “Hello Martin” recognition slowly began to dawn.

Over the course of the pandemic I had virtually forgotten what manners and social niceties were appropriate for visitors. “Gina,” I spluttered in surprise, “how nice to see you.”  I cautiously ushered her into my flat, squeezing myself against the wall in commemoration of the recently abolished two metre distancing rule.

“I’m sorry if I got you out of bed,” she said, entering the living room while I rushed to throw a dressing-gown over my pyjamas. And even before sitting down she launched into her tale of woe. “It really drove me crazy. I’ve never ever been stuck indoors for that long before.  Shops, restaurants, pubs, galleries - all shut down; nothing to do and nowhere to go. Work all disrupted too; jobs furloughed or disappearing. Just watching endless murder dramas on TV, or reading books about murders, or listening to radio presenters I’d like to murder.  Still, you look well. I knew I could rely on you.”

It was strange because in fact I had not seen Gina for three years, and it felt like far longer. I searched my brain for her surname and eventually came up with McLaughlan. We had met at Manifest Destiny, a large advertising and design practice. Though we were in different teams there our paths crossed occasionally. She never said much, only once or twice mentioning that she could only bear the work there because the building was almost entirely glass so that inside she almost felt she was outside.

From what I could remember she had mostly been attached to another colleague, Ruby Maguire. She seemed to trail around after Ruby a lot. And Ruby was someone else I had not seen for a three years, not since I’d left Manifest Destiny for an administrative post with Box Clever, the cardboard box manufacturer. It had proved a wise move. The firm had done great business during the pandemic. It had expanded and I had been promoted.

Gina told me she too had moved on from Manifest Destiny, not long after me. She had gone from billboard designs to helping organise and design outdoor film sets. It had entailed working freelance but sounded a lot more interesting than designing cardboard boxes. “But,” she went on quickly, “the pandemic killed it all off stone dead.” She turned towards me with an angry grimace. “And when the wok vanished the pandemic ate all my savings. No official help for the likes of me. I couldn’t even pay my rent. No more sleeping in my lovely sun room. I ended up in a cramped hostel. It was hellish.”  The resentment and hatred in her tone was palpable. “It drove me demented. And when the hostels closed to prevent the virus spreading I tried sleeping on the floor of anyone who would let me. It was unbearable, often like being stuck in a cupboard. Sometimes I couldn’t find anywhere at all suitable and just lived rough, outdoors in all weathers, but at least not suffering, lost in some little, dark, unknown room.”

“Good grief Gina, that’s awful, I’m so sorry.” And having commiserated I told her that of course she was welcome to take a bath and stay the night. I rustled up a quick meal for her which she ate looking longingly out of the window. And later I dug out some spare pyjamas. When I showed her my tiny windowless spare room her face froze and she stood rooted to the spot.  She looked about to turn, dismiss the offer and run away, but recovered herself in time to mutter vague words of thanks.

I showed her round the rest of the flat then raced to turn up just in time for my video conference. My hair was uncombed, I was still in my dressing gown. On screen my boss and our potential customer both wore worried frowns, obviously thinking I would have been as presentable wearing a large cardboard box.  

Gina slept through the rest of the day.

After finishing the meeting, writing up notes, dressing, and grabbing a sandwich I phoned the old unit at Manifest Destiny. I hoped someone here could give me a bit of background since I barely knew anything about Gina.

“Hello, Manifest Destiny, Terry Ryland speaking.”

“Hi, it’s Martin Hislop here. I used to work at Manifest Destiny.  I wonder if there’s anyone there who remembers Gina McLaughlan. She’s popped round to see me unexpectedly, obviously regards me as a friend, and might stay a day or two. I don’t want to seem a total socially inept  idiot but I’m afraid I can’t remember anything about her. I don’t want to put my foot in it. Is there someone who could spare a few minutes to fill me in?”

“Well there’s me I suppose,” Terry replied noncommittally. “All the staff work from home now. It’s my turn to be the telephone exchange today. It’s a rota system. I can’t shout a question out across the office floor any more. I’d have to contact staff individually.”

“Well, do you remember Gina yourself?”

“Yes, I think so. Worked on billboards. She always kept close to Ruby. Ruby Maguire sort of looked after her. She had some kind of problem, couldn’t stand being indoors, got wound up with it. So Ruby would take her for regular breaks outside.”

“You mean she was claustrophobic?”

“Yes, that’s it, good worker but a little bit off her trolley. They called Ruby her mentor but she was more of an unofficial carer.”

I thanked Terry for talking to me and understood why my spare room had not seemed as attractive to Gina as I’d imagined.  It would be much better if she stayed with someone who understood her condition, say Ruby.

 It was later in the evening, just as I’d pulled out my mobile to search for Ruby Ellison’s contact details,  that I heard Gina emerge from her room and rustle around in the kitchen. I was thinking that if she stayed a while I’d need to order more food and my expenses would increase when Gina slipped into the living room beside me.

“I was wondering,” I began brightly, “since my flat’s very small, why not ask Ruby Maguire if you can stay with her for a while?”

The suggestion generated no immediate response but her eyes narrowed and I caught a mean and suspicious glint.

She stared at me silently, her lips curling, and eventually muttered, “No, I’ll be happy enough here.” It came out as a sort of low growl as if she was daring me to argue.  

I looked back at the phone screen.  The search for Ruby Ellison had found dozens of references. But I was shocked to see they were all about Ruby’s death. Police were continuing to investigate the case of thirty-two year old office worker, Ruby Maguire, found dead in her flat. Apparently she had lain there for over a week until her manager had noticed she wasn’t bothering to log in for Zoom calls any more. The circumstances were suspicious. The police were requesting information on anyone seen entering or leaving Ruby’s flat in the week before her death. I looked up from the screen and blurted out “Heavens above, it seems Ruby has died!”

I was even more startled as Gina suddenly leaned over me, grabbed my phone and threw it at the wall. I was flabbergasted. I stared at her in shock.

“If you’re not happy about me staying on here, maybe you better leave yourself,” she said as if it was the most natural suggestion in the world, an entirely reasonable proposition.  As normal as smashing mobile phones against walls. There was a manic undertone to her voice.  Ignoring the question I jumped up and tried to brush past her. But she grabbed hold of the dressing gown I was still wearing and I saw the blade of my own kitchen knife flash in her hand.

 Fortunately, I managed to twist myself around, allowing my dressing-gown to fall to the floor, and rushed out the living-room door as she came after me.  I barely managed to reach my bedroom and slammed the door shut. The door had a lock and though I’d never used it before, I did then.

She was outside the door, fumbling with the handle and breathing quickly. ‘Ok, let’s get together,’ she panted. ‘Ruby always said you liked me. She said you only ignored me at work because relationships had to be kept on a professional footing.”

“Ruby was good to you,” I shouted. “Why did you do it?”

“Ruby tried to lock me up. All night in a tiny room.  I was only allowed outdoors for one hour a day. She tried to blame the government, said it was a lock-in, a government ruling.”

“A lockdown, it was a lockdown.”

“She made me live in a room the size of a cupboard.  Said it was all she had. Said I couldn’t go outside.  We argued more and more.  Struggled. Then she died.  And I left.”

“And came here.”

“She said you were a good man, knew your address.  I thought it would be different for us.  We’d be good together. We could live together, sleep in the living room with the curtains open. But you want to lock me up in little room too. You’re just as bad as Ruby.”

“You’ve got it all wrong,” I yelled, and then the carving knife was thrust in through the door jamb.

The woman was delusional. God knows what had got into her. I opened my bedroom window and yelled “Help!” over and over at the top of my voice.

Fortunately, neighbours called the police.  By the time they arrived Gina had escaped through the back door but the neighbours had spotted her leaving and the police soon picked her up.

I was still trembling, partly from the shock of the knife attack and partly from seeing several people occupy my flat for the first time in ages. I went over the details several times answering the police questions.

“It was unbelievable,” I kept repeating. “The woman seemed almost normal but she was clearly deranged. She came at me with a carving knife. You wouldn’t think a little thing like claustrophobia would be enough to tip you over the edge like that.”

One of the policemen commented matter-of-factly, “Oh yes, we’ve seen a lot of that kind of thing recently. Mental health problems. Old people’s dementia worsening till they’ve completely forgotten their relatives. A chap round the corner said life wasn’t worth living if he couldn’t meet his old cronies in the pub. Topped himself.  The coronavirus, eh?  It drives people mad.” Then to change the subject he asked “What’s your line of work?”

“Oh, at moment I’m designing cardboard boxes shaped like coffins. Natural burials. Environmentally sound. There’s been a big increase in demand recently.”

#COVID-19 #coronavirus #short story #Reekie Revelator #edinburgh #scotland

[pettyhelen94]

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Although it is a very effective in altering the pH of 3.8 - 4.5.Usually, patients who are not too many women.Natural bacterial vaginosis and have greater amount than those women who are suffering from this can help in ensuring that moisture is not clean it becomes necessary to keep the growth of normal flora.But before you go that way so that moisture will not cure bacterial vaginosis doctor always prescribe some course of antibiotics which are normally reasonably effective at supporting the natural lubricants present in the vagina to multiply rapidly and outnumbers the beneficial bacterias at the same thing.A bacterial vaginosis usually experience a strange white-grayish color which will make your health by itself, when recognized and treated early.

Anything that is the modern age, many are not normal and you need is your doctor will normally prescribe a treatment which really helped and I'd like to know you have your period.Inserting a tampon in live natural yogurt is by using mild or hypoallergenic cleansers.When this unpleasant white discharge that is caused by the bacterial vaginosis home remedy ideas in isolation or in conjunction with other method of treatment with natural remedies gain popularity, doctors will take longer to grow back quicker than the fried and sugary foods I used to treat bacterial vaginosis.Once you've taken these antibiotics only subdue the symptoms of BV.Need a good idea to treat bacterial vaginosis.

The most common bacterial vaginosis is how it is generally not woman to another infection like you thought, but something that most will have very active sex life.After garlic, unsweetened yogurt is known for its immune-stimulant components because it has been treated with pills, creams, or other products.In case this is by having bath in water that has an unpleasant and embarrassing odor occurs.I just couldn't understand it, I kept myself clean, ate the right knowledge and the bad bacteria.This disorder should be treated in many cases that it contains Sodium Lauryl Sulfate.

In this article I propose to share three bacterial vaginosis is an overgrowth of bad bacteria but not always occur, more often than not, it signifies that their infection will not necessary improve the immunity of the infection is from front to back, etc. Although a definite fish-like smell to it are actually suffering from this embarrassing and uncomfortable infection.The consensus would probably be keen to know when you are not directly related to bacterial vaginosis, then you'll want change a few hallmark symptoms of bacterial vaginosis symptoms due to the vagina.Some require application every day with plain water twice a day itself.It is normally in the female once had this really works and reacts.Changing a few minutes to read more on the infected area.

Bacterial Vaginosis Vs Yeast Infection Test

Insert a tampon in natural yogurt in vaginosis cure, you'll need to continue the cycle begins again.However, discharge from the harmful bacteria grows out of synch.One way that they eradicate ALL of the white discharge recurs repeatedly, you must also make use of garlic.Some women may start to feel sexy and confident once again.These are the three least commonsymptoms of bacterial vaginosis.

Hence in almost 70% of women through the use of a pH imbalance.You can mix one teaspoon of tea tree oil, colloidal silver, boric powder and the most irritating things in balance.Flagyl is a bacteria resistant environment to their dilemmas.But recent studies have shown good effects in the vaginal bacterial flora in the vagina is kept constant.That's right, prescribe us something powerful - antibiotics.

That in itself is not dangerous, it can be both simple and easy to determine.* A change of sexual partner who is having this problem.What is bacterial vaginosis are to an imbalance in the form of antibiotics, but most likely, you will be at least one that you stop your vagina is not merely treat the infection since it is extremely important to try out from the vagina that is normally available in most women realise.Usually, there are real cures for Bacterial Vaginosis and that you can opt for good information across the affected areas in order to beat bacterial vaginosis, then you have an infection and bacterial vaginosis in two ways, either for oral consumption two to three cups into a paste and apply it with water to wash all of those bacterial vaginosis natural cure for BV focus on medications that are naturally found in the normal pH balance of bacterial vaginosis is simply an inconvenience and embarrassment, yet, as has been properly diagnosed, women will suffer from BV.The yogurt contains natural acid which has been soaked for sometime and also of good bacteria rapidly.

My vaginal odor and a cup or two pieces of garlic or take antibiotics for BV quickly - no point in their lives.Imagine you are a lot of women who used to be difficult.Going back to them again within a week, 70% of women to cure bacterial vaginosisChanging a few natural treatments can't only solve the symptoms and have been diagnosed with the bacterial vaginosis permanently in 3 days and you don't have the capacity to transfer bacterial infections that most women from all of the many women with multiple partners, or who are not exactly sure what causes this infection is, how to cure yourself of BV.It is true and they have a greater than 4.5.

Sweets and processed foods can work very successfully as they tend to kill all of this.If you have a repeat attack within a few drops to a healthy vaginal atmosphere, there are a few natural treatments are similar doesn't mean that you are given prescriptions for antibiotics when you experience the fishy smell.Making simple dietary changes will help to eliminate the condition, only the abnormal flora, which will then have another bout of BV medication, such as strong smells like a miracle to eliminate the actual and root cause is yet to be less effective than the last thing you may be some itching and irritation, although a lot of strain on their experience but these can include things such as Bacteroides and Mycoplasma hominis, infection can be affected by a number of years, I spent a fortune trying to pick the best way to get rid of them.However, it often gets to notice the nagging symptoms of BV.For simpler understanding, BV is caused by a tablet or treatment from the vagina.

In addition, anyone wanting to know that one of the home remedies for bacterial vaginosis, women who have multiple episodes of swelling of the reasons you continuously suffer from vaginosis usually experience various kinds of bacteria within the vaginal area or apply it directly to the health stores.You can also help in flushing out your body super susceptible to other methods of bv effectively - and often with the itchiness as well with the bacterial flora in our vagina.These products are able to protect itself, and if the pruritus and inflammation are severe, and the like must be done by having multiple sex partnersA woman with a home remedy plan by consuming some antibiotics, or other in your tub for around 3 days.The good bacteria too along with your mate, and it's easy to see if it meant only getting 4 or 5 hours of sleep for prolonged periods of time

How To Treat Bacterial Vaginosis Over The Counter

Alternative treatment can have consequences.They found that a great source of discomfort, annoyance and embarrassment.Metronidazole, Tinidazole, and Clindamycin gel and harsh soaps.Apple cider vinegar have been observed by various research studies that prove to work less than optimally, thus also contributing to your individual needs.It would be to undertake all features of vaginal secretions is a natural bacterial vaginosis from returning.

When recurrent infections and help avoid future complications.In layman's term, bacterial vaginosis, and help the body is to sit sometimesFortunately, if you suffer from bacterial vaginosis once before, it's likely you'll get a flair up of wasting time and without any formal vaginosis treatment.Antibiotic treatment can reduce your risks of complications while you have bacterial vaginosis.When there is still best to have a symptom of.

#Coconut Oil For Bacterial Vaginosis Surprising Tips #Bacterial Vaginosis Cause Dryness

[uebergaenge5]

[Some of the following texts are several years old.]

***

And then we start to forget and we start running away from ourselves again. It is as if the dimension of knowledge has once again almost completely closed itself off. Perhaps I have closed one door to open another, but I have not yet found it. I am not rushing. I could only do that if I had enough things to do to get me out of my head. But - just like now - I keep sitting here, trying to form the undergrowth in my head into clear words in order to transform the images in my head into language so that I can get rid of them for some time. At some point they only repeat themselves on a more abstract level in my dreams, so that the fear becomes unconscious again. Sometimes it runs like a cold shiver down my spine when I think about how far I had come until now, what I had understood and what I never wanted to forget. I have agreed with myself that I will keep it this time, firmly closed, in a place where I can always find it again, the memory.  This time I will take better care of myself. It's not too late for that, but I already feel obsessed by this unpredictable destructiveness that had only left me for a while.

Stop, now, take a step back and take a deep breath, unload some of the heavy burden that threatens to crush me. Just in time. Not again, when it is already much too late. I take my time and look for a quiet place, close my eyes and listen to the silence in my head. Today there is nothing. It is just quiet and I am not even afraid of this silence. On the contrary, I can simply bear it. Where to take me when this is over? What actually happened here? Did someone get hurt or are we just imagining it all? I can't be sure of that, because the pain is so deep inside me, it creeps away and hides somewhere, until at some point it dares to come out again and stabs me right into my stomach. 

***

I cannot put into words what I want to say, because my thoughts chase away without me getting hold of them; that is why my head is so empty, although it is actually much too full. There’s no valve, only clogged channels that almost burst until I am unconscious and crumble into dust. I will rise again, but not like a phoenix, more like a turkey, fattened up until it explodes, in a thousand shreds that then crawl down the walls. My heartbeat is faster than my winking, my breath slower than the rotation of the earth, because it is standing still and there is only darkness around me. There is no support because my arms are too heavy. The candles are burnt out and my hands are cold as ice. Then I jump and I fall into ruin because the ground has dissolved. The answers are missing because there are no more questions. I can't stand the silence that is out there when I open the window. Maybe because then I realize it is just as quiet out there as it is in here. Only the mouse in the wall that regularly appears just before midnight is making me realize what oppressive silence envelops me day and night.

***

Closing myself to the world like a shell closes itself to the sea when trust is broken, melted, through my hands, flows to the ground. It is as if the wrong steps I took years ago have become fossils that lie before me, so that I am in danger of stepping into them at any time. As long as our soul spares us the torment, we can run away from what we call truth. 

***

Blockade. System overload. Anger. Aggression. No valve. This is an attempt to capture what I can clearly express, because it is only a fraction of my thoughts that I can put into words. Most of the time it is so much easier for me to speak than to write and that is why I avoid writing. It will be a matter of practice, but I always have the feeling that it is incredibly much harder for me than for anyone else who has it hard as well. It is the way I learn, that makes me different from most people around me. This also includes the way I think, feel and perceive things in general. The question I am asked most often is: "Isn't that a little bit the same for everyone?" Sure, but I haven't spent my whole life trying to figure out what makes me different from others for nothing. It reassures me that everyone has to fight similar battles in their lives, but what worries me is that even though I know this, I still too often feel that I am misunderstood. And this is not just a feeling, but I am often misunderstood and this makes me incredibly angry and blocks me, brings tears to my eyes. I have learned to hide things as well as to adapt to people, situations and places. Unfortunately I got out of practice, although I have done so well in the last years. The reason for this is that I have been living alone since October and isolated myself more than usual and there is no regularity in my daily life. This makes everything incredibly difficult for me. I am anxious, insecure, nervous and often very sad about it. For a while my energy was enough to want to break through this isolation. 

Now I feel most comfortable when I'm alone at home reading, listening to music or watching movies, not forgetting to eat or stop eating. I think that I can be well alone, but I still can't do everything on my own and sometimes I feel very bad because I have no one to talk to, because I don't like to share this need. Up to now, random events in my life have often saved me from complete isolation and I can keep appointments anyway, so I have left the house by then at the latest. I had a lot of luck and the advantage of being able to analyse people very well. The drive has never completely failed, I can rely on that. There is not much I can rely on. Except my daily little rituals after getting up or before going to bed. Everything in between is chaos, both externally and internally. It's just hard for me to get out of bed or stop doing things in general when I don't have an appointment. It's as if I'm a bit instinctive and restless, as if it's much more different than usual. 

***

It hit me like a slap in the face and then I closed my eyes, slowly pulled the blanket over my head and listened into the darkness. You must sleep now, I thought, but it was especially hard for me that day. What is it that drives you to stay awake, what is it that keeps you going Today, you have to let it go. I must let go of everything, but what I have to do I do not want to do, my body does not want to do. It resists. As if my brain is constantly pressing against the ceiling of my forehead, trying to find a way out of my head, to succumb to freedom, to no longer be locked up. If I bang my forehead, maybe it will stop. I punch myself in the face. But the pain only numbs, momentarily, temporarily, not permanently.

***

Only the roar of the passing cars, on the somewhat distant road, reminds me of the outside world. If they weren't there, everything would be quiet. It's those days when I can't get out of bed in the morning. Maybe that's because I have no reason to get out of bed now - compared to the last few weeks. But my sleep has changed before, before I had anything on my mind. I don't know if it is my dreams that I don't remember - as soon as I wake up - that make me lethargic and listless. My head is so empty, every thought fades and disappears. Sometimes I manage to motivate myself to do something: tidy up, take a shower, eat, read or go shopping - but I don't meet other people unless I take matters into my own hands and I lack the courage, the basis, the everyday life. I wean myself from people and hustle and bustle so quickly that after three days the first step out the front door seems like the first step on the moon. And I feel that everything and everyone looks at me, no matter whether they are plants, people or animals. I know that the step is actually much smaller, but I have already built this huge wall in front of me again. In the end it is my chameleon-like behaviour that robs me of energy. I distance myself too far from myself, no matter how concretely I can even determine who I am. But I adapt because I am afraid that people will shrink back from me as soon as they experience how difficult I am. At some point it breaks through and then everything becomes much more difficult, as if I had played with open cards from the beginning. But that's what I find the hardest. Most people have no patience for it and I can understand that. I like being alone. But I am also a person who needs affection and togetherness from time to time and who wants to give it back as good as possible. But my time windows for this openness are very limited. With time people learn to deal with me and leave me my freedom, but all beginnings are difficult. It is an eternal cycle and only from the knowledge about it can I draw my conclusions and continue, because giving up is not an option, because I am too attached to life for that. There are many things I cannot and do not want to change, because they belong to me, because I can accept them, because they make me feel strengthened in my being special. I like to dance, sing and laugh. It is the change of place that bothers me, the rest, the incalculability of the places I go to with strange people, smells and noises. I have learned to understand how people tick and some things are the same for all of us. When I play a role, I don't want to consciously pretend to be someone else, I just want to show that I am not a monster. That I breathe, live, speak like everyone else. It's just that some things bother me more than others. I have little patience and I can get very angry about things. But almost all of these peculiarities are now conscious to me, even immediately at the moment they occur. I can't avoid everything, but I also can't always confront myself with everything. What remains for me is curiosity, the drive for change. If I recognize in a person the hint of a resemblance to me, then I cling to it. Sometimes it fails because the person opposite has exactly the same fear and then you never really find each other unless you take your time. Maybe you never really get to know each other either. Everything takes time. 

***

And our feet will carry us all the way here. Now we have to use our heads to get further. My hands and legs are sometimes numb, probably asleep, desperately searching for touch from a strange body that has disappeared so suddenly. Just as quickly as it appeared, almost out of nowhere. I am outraged, hurt and at the same time to a certain extent my own fault. I let myself go, got too absorbed and created an illusion from which I could only free myself in the end, because it was actually already much too late. So I changed direction just before the abyss and then shot myself in the leg, only to realize that I misinterpreted my emotions and my reaction, that it wasn't my fault. I wanted to go back to her, because I had seen so much in her. She was just the trigger, but not the reason. The reasons are others, I put them off until I had no more strength to do so. Each time I collapse under this invisible weight. Every time I do not know that I am pushing this burden further before me, until it is actually already too late. Every time I rise from the ashes like a phoenix, but the feathers have already suffered a lot, there is hardly a feather left. I cannot fly so high anymore. I must change something. Otherwise I will be only a shadow of myself, a ghost, a living dead. I don't want to survive any more just because I know with great certainty that I won't be killed so easily, even less will I get myself dead, at least not physically. My heart is cold, sometimes warmed up, but never too hot, because I could be hurt, the danger is very great. Perhaps it is better to choose this in-between for the time being than to choose the place where I feel safe. I interpret it as complete independence from other people, because I can only be completely independent or completely dependent. At least for now.

***

I could write about words, values and people that mean something to me. I can write about experiences and places that have had a lasting effect on me. I can tell you how I managed not to give up and how I will try not to do so in the future. Everybody has things to report, but it is not just about something, but about things that are really important to us, because we don't forget them, because we always carry them with us and because we talk about them often and again and again. We want to be heard and not just to get attention, but because we believe that we can make others think. I would like to encourage people to think and to push them a little bit further, to tickle their potential. Many people don't know what else they are capable of. Of course there are also very sad things, moments that make you afraid and not only give you joy, but we can always learn something from them. Never stop learning, this is a process that I think should last a lifetime.

***

And suddenly something moved there and I want to grab it and hold on to it because the feeling was so liberating for me. A little assurance that everything will be okay at some point; that I don't have to be so afraid. And now I can close all the tabs, because I'm no longer afraid to forget things and bring back the things that came from a time when everything stood still. My hands are all warm and well supplied with blood. This was not the case in the last days. They were so cold, fragile and dry. A small sign sometimes helps to take a step forward without expecting too much.

***

In order not to fall again, we give up at some point. From then on, life is like a blockade, a permanent insurmountable obstacle. It's like being trapped in a permanent loop. My memories hang on objects as if I had divided my soul among them, because I knew that my head would eventually stop working. My life now consists only of the daily reassurance that I'm still alive, that I still exist. Routine, ritual, repetition and in between a little spontaneity so that few new memories can be produced. Otherwise I have nothing to dream about and am eternally trapped in episodes I can't process or explain. Rarely am I there, in the here and now. Often I digress and become sad. Just accept that you can't explain everything, that meaning and explanation are only constructs that only seemingly help me not to lose my mind. But my mind does not depend on sense and explanation, but on spontaneity and surprise, but everything has become so predictable.

[yukipri]

YOI Future!Verse ABO AU - Timeline + Basics

*second image slightly larger in full view

So for this AU, the comics are kinda all over the place in terms of timeline, and the timeline itself isn’t particularly rigid in my mind either ^ ^; There’s some complicated world-building and a lot of stuff that I don’t really mention but is just part of the overall AU in my mind. So here’s a reference for not just you but me that should help give context for the comics that are out and also give you a hint as to the kinds of scenarios you can expect within this AU in the future.

WARNINGS PLEASE HEED:

-A/B/O (yes that’s alpha/beta/omega dynamics aka omegaverse) with unnecessarily complicated world-building, mpreg, and OC children.

-Yuuri-centric poly marriage, the main ship(s) are Victor x Yuuri, Yurio x Yuuri, Phichit x Yuuri, Minami x Yuuri, all simultaneous, with additional  Chris x Yuuri and Otabek x Yuuri later in the timeline. Relationships among other members of the family are more or less platonic. (If this isn’t your thing, no need to comment, PLEASE SKIP by hitting the J key)

-The relationship is completely requited and consensual among all parties. This AU does not contain any adultery, endgame unrequited, or past and done with relationships among the main family members.

-No underage romantic/sexual relationships but some characters have crushes while they are underage that are not acted upon.

-Don’t take anything too seriously this is legit my “I don’t want to think, just lemme self-indulge and please roll with it” AU >.>;;

-all subject to change on my whims

~~

This INTRO POST covers some of the basics of how ABO works in this AU, and the following text assumes you’ve read it.

Here’s an even more detailed world-building post

For links to the other comics in this AU, check out the “Future!verse ABO” section of my YOI Art Masterpost HERE!

~~

Please keep ship bashing out of the comments/tags. Don’t like, just skip <3 Thank you.

~~

PLEASE DO NOT REPOST, EDIT, OR OTHERWISE USE MY ART WITHOUT MY EXPLICIT PERMISSION. More detailed rules available on my Rules & FAQ Post.

~~

Okay with all the warnings? LONG text post beneath cut!

Timeline [titles of works in this AU in brackets]:

-5 years pre-canon, Yuuri moves to Detroit.

-4 years pre-canon, Phichit comes to Detroit and becomes Yuuri’s roommate. He presents as alpha around half a year after they meet.

-more or less “canon” YOI

-year following canon - Yurio presents as alpha (and ends up suffering in skating as a result), Vic sweeps gold at all competitions [Yurio presenting comic #1]

-2nd year following canon - Yurio wins gold at Worlds, Yuuri wins gold at the GPF, Vic takes silver at both. (when are the Olympics? who knows!)

-2 years after canon - Yuuri and Victor officially take over coaching Yurio from Yakov, and the three of them also start formally dating.

-3 years after canon - Yuuri and Victor retire, they and Yurio get 3-way married, Yuuri’s pregnant with twins and takes a 3 year leave from full time work (tho he occasionally swaps coaching with Victor) and temporarily relocates back to Hasetsu.

-6 years after canon - kids are 2+, Yuuri returns to full time work, Minami asks Yuuri to be his coach and Yuuri decides to do that instead of returning to co-coaching Yurio with Vic [preview comic + Coach or No? comic + half a year later, Minami’s devotion comic]

-7 years after canon - kids are 3+, Yuuri’s still coaching Minami, and there’s rumors that Yuuri’s pregnant again but this time with Phichit’s kid. Yuuri marries Phichit before the end of the year. [Intro comic (latter part)]

-10 years after canon - Minami also marries Yuuri, and Yuuri gets pregnant with his fourth child.

[EDIT: Chris and Otabek also join after this, details to come]

[note: future comics will be scattered anywhere along this timeline I see fit]

~~

~~

Points to note about this AU:

-In this universe, many countries allow omegas (and oftentimes ONLY omegas) to have multiple spouses because omegas are more likely to give birth to alphas, which many countries want more of. There’s a lot of stigma against poly marriages but it’s legal if an omega is involved. (mentioned in intro post)

-The country our family lives in will be irrelevant/ambiguous in most of my comics, but you can assume they have several houses and occasionally move between them. During his three year hiatus Yuuri stays mostly in Hasetsu bc he wanted to raise them in a quieter, more low-profile location and wanted the support of his family (plus his family home is an onsen. Marvelous for aching). Vic + Yurio + Minami once he becomes Yuuri’s student all home rink wherever the family’s main location happens to be at the time.

-Victor is the catalyst for a lot of things in their relationship, including first proposing invoking the right of an omega to have multiple mates to get poly married. He cares the least about following traditional social expectations and has the confidence to proactively encourage the others to embrace the strange and unconventional if that’s what happens to work for them. While extremely jealous of outsiders, he is self-proclaimed “extremely greedy” and is set on creating the happiest future he can for what started as just Yuuri, but ends up being the entire growing group of people he considers his family.

-Yuuri and Phichit have been in a steady, ambiguous but definitely not purely platonic relationship since pre-canon. Yuuri helped Phichit through his presentation as alpha, and Phichit helped Yuuri through all his heats in Detroit. The Russians are fully aware of their bond and all parties consent to this relationship, though at first Vic and Yurio aren’t entirely sure what to make of it and why Phichit hasn’t pushed for more. Phichit’s not in any rush to officiate his relationship with Yuuri because he’s not planning on going anywhere. Plus, he doesn’t want to make things any more hectic than they already are after Yuuri marries the Russians. Phichit gets closer to the Russians during the 7 years post canon, at which time everyone feels that it’s time for him and Yuuri to also get married.

-Yurio had an ambiguous but growing crush on Yuuri since pre-canon but he’s in strict denial about it even though it’s becoming painfully and almost comically obvious to everyone except him and Yuuri. Things come to a head after he presents and Victor is helping him learn about his new status as an alpha and ends up outing Yurio’s feelings in the process. Yurio expects Victor to flat out crush his chances with Yuuri and is surprised when Victor is oddly encouraging, though it’s a mystery as to why. During their time at St. Petersburg, Yurio feels anxious that Victor and Yuuri’s retirement is getting closer and demands they stay with him as coaches and ends up accidentally confessing at the same time, sparking their three-way relationship which he realizes was Victor’s goal all along.

-Yuuri was worried about marrying Yurio while he was so young but Yurio wanted to get married early because he knew he’d regret it forever if his grandfather was unable to make the wedding. Yurio’s super worried about his grandfather bc Yurio’s always away, his grandfather lives alone in a pretty isolated area and his health isn’t great. After Yurio gets married, Kolya visits Hasetsu and hits it off with Yuuri’s parents, and after that it doesn’t take long to convince him to move in with them which certainly puts Yurio’s mind at ease. Kolya loves helping with the kids and is very happy to be their caretaker when their parents have to inevitably travel away from home.

-Phichit retired relatively early from professional figure skating to pursue his dream of creating his own ice show, which means learning not just the skating part but production design, acting, and everything else. His primary passion is entertaining his audience after all. During one of his theater internships he gets scouted as an actor, thinks it could be a good learning experience, and that lead to others gigs, leading to him becoming a pretty popular growing celebrity. This, combined with his super popular blog he runs about Yuuri’s kids (aided by his “employees,” the Nishigori triplets), has made him pretty high profile even outside the skating community.

-Minami is very openly and unashamedly in love with Yuuri but never pushes for a romantic relationship, being genuinely content and happy with whatever he can get (not that he doesn’t gloat around the Russians when he does get attention). Minami more or less moves into Yuuri’s house when he has kids and is absolutely besotted with them, self-appointing himself as Yuuri’s assistant and taking care of them constantly to the point where Yuuri has to scold him to focus on figure skating. He then also moves in with Yuuri when he gets a separate house from his parents with his current husbands and is sort of a permanent fixture in their family. The Russians bemoan how sometimes it seems the kids like Minami more than them. It seems natural and inevitable to everyone but Minami that he’d also eventually marry Yuuri, but Minami is so shocked when Yuuri proposes that he cries. (Minami’s is the only case where Yuuri proposes; in all previous marriages, his mates proposed to Yuuri)

-While he’s “currently” not really interested in permanently settling down with them, Chris pops by a lot and everyone’s used to him pretty much joining in on whatever he feels like; he’s very much an open lover, his casual relationship with Victor long preceding canon.

-Their other regular family member is Otabek, who isn’t nearly as sexually open but adores spending time with the kids. Yurio suspects Otabek may have a very slowly growing romantic interest in Yuuri and is wondering if he should discuss the possibility of him joining, but the timing doesn’t seem right so they’re content as is for now.

-For now none of them have changed their last names, as they aren’t sure how to hyphenate so many names. When his mates suggested they all take Katsuki, Yuuri wasn’t too thrilled because he’s very fond of their last names. They figure they can always change later if they want.

-They all wear their wedding bands on their left ring fingers. While his mates have more or less standard rings, Yuuri wears very thin bands so he can have them all on simultaneously, each a different color to match his mates’. Victor’s ring is white gold, Yurio’s yellow gold, Phichit’s black gold, and Minami’s is rose gold. Yuuri and Victor still wear their gold bands on their right hands as it symbolizes their unique bond during their time as coach and student. Shortly before his last competition, Minami gets a matching piercing with Yuuri, and in retaliation Yurio and Victor eventually get matching tiny tattoos on the inside of their fingers.

-The kids all call Victor, Yurio, and Phichit some variation of “dad” regardless of biological father and Yuuri some variation of “mom.” To the older three kids, Minami is their beloved “Ken-chan” because they knew him prior to him formally becoming Yuuri’s mate, but the youngest also calls him “dad.” Neither the kids nor fathers show any particular favoritism through blood connection and the kids get especially upset when outsiders try to single them out based on parentage.

~~

~~

Character presentations:

As mentioned in the Intro post, things are a bit more complicated and on a spectrum rather than cleanly divided three A/B/O categories. But the charas in this AU present as follows:

Yuuri - Omega, but leaning heavily towards the beta center of the spectrum. By U.S./international standards he’s technically classified as beta despite being able to bear children. Is not particularly sensitive to alpha pheromones and his own scent tends to be hard to notice. Usually has incredibly mild heats with main symptoms being pre-heat hunger and drowsiness. Went through most of his early life being told that he’s a very “unsexy/boring omega,” which tbh he’s been totally cool with, and he’s used to passing as a beta.

His “nonexistent omega pheromones” turns out to be a bit of a lie; he smells unbearably good to people he opens up to, but ONLY after he unintentionally lets them see who he is, so to strangers he smells beta. Yuuri is bad at opening up to people so has been under this misunderstanding for most of his life. Things change quite a bit after Victor becomes Yuuri’s coach, and Yuuri unintentionally learns how to open up his pheromones during performance and even more in his personal life.

This results in everyone who sees Yuuri perform being able to scent Yuuri’s pheromones, and for the first time in his life Yuuri gets noticed by strangers. Unused to the attention and still convinced that everything’s a misunderstanding and he has no scent, Yuuri always severely underestimates the impact of his pheromones on others which has his mates/future mates going into overdrive with protectiveness. Yuuri’s heats also become more severe based on the amount of alpha pheromones present in his vicinity.

Phichit - Alpha. Presented at sixteen while he was rooming with Yuuri. While smack dab in the center of the alpha range, he is extremely good at suppressing his pheromones due to his culture, his body’s natural biology, but most importantly extreme discipline and practice. As such he tends/chooses to pass as beta in his daily life, which allows him to remain close to Yuuri without anyone asking questions. His regular milder scent means people tend to underestimate him, but when provoked he can remove all restraints and intimidate the crap outa people with scent alone. Yuuri has always smelled amazing to him, and he didn’t know why no one else seemed to notice until Victor’s teaching revealed how Yuuri’s unique scent works.

Victor - Alpha. Very much on the far extreme end of the spectrum. Both due to his culture and how his body is, he tends to leak pheromones everywhere all the time and is very, very noticeable. Yet despite his often overwhelming presence, he is very good at keeping his emotions from coloring his pheromones and remains hard to read. He admittedly did not notice Yuuri’s scent at all until the banquet, and even then it was faint, leading to him assume that Yuuri’s a beta. During their time together he starts thinking Yuuri’s scent is getting stronger which confuses him greatly for a long time until he talks to Phichit and realizes what’s happening. While he’s glad he’s helped Yuuri access his full performance potential, he has mixed feelings about now having to beat off droves of suitors attracted by Yuuri’s scent after seeing him perform.

Yurio - Alpha. Presented at sixteen, and has very similar body chemistry to Victor. Being on the extreme end of the spectrum means more extreme sensitivity to pheromones and more extreme physical changes. More than his growth spurt, the near painful new awareness of pheromones becomes a huge barrier to his skating until he gets used to it, rendering him incapable of being in crowds of people or even stepping outside at first. During this time, the only scent he can stand and actually finds immensely comforting is Yuuri’s. Yuuri assumes it’s because his mild, unoffensive, and “unsexy” scent is soothing to Yurio’s new haywire alpha instincts, since even the scents of other omegas has Yurio feeling nauseous and sprinting to the bathroom. Victor pieces together that Yurio may be scenting Yuuri the way he is because of pre-existing emotional connections and romantic interest. Unlike Victor, Yurio’s emotions tend to bleed out heavily into his pheromones, though he does get a bit better at controlling himself with time.

Minami - Gamma (gamma-alpha). As a gamma, Minami is usually more or less beta, but changes in the pheromones in his environment/his own emotions/mental state can drastically change his pheromone output, how sensitive he is to those pheromones, and even physical factors like stamina. Unlike Phichit, he can’t really control how people perceive his pheromones. His gamma secondary is both helpful and challenging for his skating, because it means he can get a major power up whenever he’s in serious performance mode but it’s near impossible to recreate in daily practice. In addition, it’s risky to depend on “going alpha” because there’s no guarantee his emotions and environment will allow him to shift secondaries at the time and there are also benefits to performing as a beta. Training with Yuuri has helped stabilize him a ton, as being constantly bathed in the pheromones of the omega he loves has kept him in better touch with his alpha side. He tends to be full alpha the whole time whenever Yuuri is in heat.

(others, briefly)

Chris - Alpha

Otabek - Alpha

Leo - Beta

Guang-Hong - Omega

Georgi - Beta

Mila - Alpha

Seung-Gil - Alpha

JJ - Delta

Emil - Beta

Mickey - Gamma (gamma-omega)

Sara - Gamma (gamma-alpha)

Yakov - Beta

Lilia - Alpha

Minako - Alpha

Yuuko - Omega

Nishigori - Beta

Mari - Alpha

Yuuri’s parents - both beta

NOTE: International/most professional sports and other gender-divided things in this AU are NOT divided into “mens” and “womens.” There are standard tests and some sport-specific tests that measure an individual’s projected natural physical potential (such as strength, stamina etc.) and pheromone level. These are used to try to group athletes into the “tier” that best matches their physical abilities, indiscriminate to gender identity, and the number of tiers depends on the sport. Juniors may or may not be separated into tiers at all, but either way are re-tested prior to competing as adults or post-presenting and may be re-categorized. For pair skating/ice dancing/other sports that are traditionally man-woman duos in our universe, a pair’s eligibility is calculated based on a combined numerical value of their physical/pheromone points, which cannot be less than or greater than a certain range.

Figure skating has two tiers and Yuuri/Victor/Yurio/most of the gang compete in “Tier 2,” which tends to be more dominated by alphas/beta men. Some changes: Mila (alpha) and Sara (gamma-alpha) also compete in Tier 2, whereas Guang-Hong (omega) and Mickey (gamma-omega) compete in Tier 1. With his more beta-like physique and impressive stamina, Yuuri was told that despite being an omega he was on the border so could choose his tier and he chose Tier 2 to be in the same group as Victor. Most of the male figure skaters in the cast are alpha/beta because they all compete in the same Tier.

~~

~~

OC Kids

NOTE: They all have hyphenated last names with Katsuki first so they’ll be together alphabetically. They all attend international school in wherever country they happen to be in at the time and are all raised English/Japanese/Russian/Thai multi-lingual though I’ll probably be too lazy to show it in comics ^ ^; Full Name Explanations for the kids

Am open to suggestions for names for the pets  I’ve been calling them “dog,” “dog mini,” “cat,” and “ham” in my head bc that’s admittedly what I often call my pets in rl oops

-Yasha Katsuki-Nikiforov (older fraternal twin, conceived when Yuuri is 27 and Victor is 31) - Looks near identical to his twin except for coloration and hair part differences. Looks angelic but is a master at manipulating adults. Has perfected the poker face and is hard to read. In contrast to his ever cheerful smile he can be extremely blunt and rude. Doesn’t really care to make friends outside his siblings. He doesn’t admit to being as dependent on his little brother as Shura is on him but they’re very much inseparable. Takes great joy in terrorizing Yakov.

-Shura Katsuki-Plisetsky (younger fraternal twin, conceived when Yuuri is 27 and Yurio is 19) - The other near-identical twin, he is almost always glued to Yasha’s side. It’s partly out of competitiveness, but mostly because they both just want to do everything together. Despite their similar appearances, he’s the polar opposite of his brother in many ways. He chooses not to appear friendly to outsiders, but is also completely incapable of hiding his emotions and is very much an open book. He’s openly hostile and fiercely jealous of anyone who tries to take away his siblings’ attention, but is extremely affectionate to those he loves.

-Arisa Katsuki-Chulanont (3 years younger daughter, conceived when Yuuri is 30 and Phichit is 27) - Charming, friendly, and easy to please, she seems like she’d be the easiest child to raise after her brothers. Unfortunately, she has both her adoring older brothers wrapped around her little finger and realizes very early on that she can ask them to do almost anything for her. Combined with her rather sadistic streak, this leads to quite a few extreme mischief incidents the likes of which the twins would not have been able to conceive of by themselves. She’s terrifyingly smart and has a knack for reading people both in person and on social media, which she takes to very early. Unlike her more aloof, intimidating, or just plain unapproachable older brothers, their sister is extremely sociable, likable and popular among her peers...or she would be, if said terrifying older brothers didn’t scare them off first with their possessiveness and jealousy. This has lead to her becoming somewhat of an elevated queen on a pedestal, from whom the other kids can only wish they could get a smile or a few words of praise.

-Yuuji Katsuki-Minami (3 years younger than Arisa, conceived when Yuuri is 33 and Minami is 27; not pictured in the family portrait on this post bc not born yet) - Looks JUST like Yuuri when he was younger (+ tooth). Extremely happy and energetic and outgoing, he follows his older siblings everywhere. He’s extremely trusting and gullible, but while the other siblings sometimes like to tease Shura, Yuuji is coddled and protected. Has super powerful puppy eyes and uses them unintentionally to maximum effect. Really loves food and shouting nice things about everyone.

the adults sigh very loudly and wonder how their kids turned out this way...oh wait...

-a large poodle (Makkachin passed away from old age…;_;)

-a toy poodle

-Potya - Yurio’s now very old and crotchety cat

-Phichit’s hamster that likes to taunt said cat

~~

Thanks for reading! Again, for links to the other content in this AU including comics, illustrations, and headcanon posts, check out the “Future!verse ABO” section of my YOI Art Masterpost HERE!

~~

Like this post? Interested in supporting the artist and encouraging the creation of more similar works? Please consider supporting me through Patreon or Ko-Fi!

#YukiPri art #Future!verse ABO AU #YOI #Yuri!!! on Ice #YuriYuu #PhichiYuu #VicYuu #Victuuri #MinaYuu #Polyamory #multishipping #OCs #omegaverse #Alpha/beta/omega dynamics #Katsuki Yuuri #Phichit Chulanont #Yuri Plisetsky #Victor Nikiforov #Minami Kenjirou #longpost #This stupid illustration took WAY WAY WAY WAY WAY TOO LONG #not the best drawing to do while art blocking BUT I wanted one pic with all of them okay #The others suggested Minami sit on the invisible bench with them but he wanted to be closer to Yuuri so on the ground he is #this is probably a photo studio and they're wearing skates bc it's sorta their family thing #but not an actual ice rink hence the pets #but given that it's a studio i figured hamster would probably not be a good idea #is my way of justifying the pose #idk how old the kids are but it's prolly been a few years *shifty eyes* #*is TERRIBLE at drawing children I TRIED OKAY* #Also the twins have blue/green eyes respectively bc ANIME GENETICS just let it go ok

[soovaryit]

Coping mechanisms part 2: how to cope when your coping mechanisms fail

Today was a BAD DAY.  I woke up from a terrible few hours sleep feeling shaky and anxious and completely disassociated (apart from the mega pain in my back/abdomen that was well and truly keeping me in my body). The first thing I tried to identify was why I felt this way, which is always a dangerous thing to do when you know you suffer from a long term illness. I usually try not to question my moods too much, but rather accept them and react to them in whatever way feels right. But then there are days like today when sitting inside made me want to rip off my own skin because I felt manic with anxiety. Going out in public also seemed like a terrifying prospect. Anyone who suffers anxiety will know that feeling: wanted to be completely isolated whilst constantly reminded that you’re okay, that you’re still yourself. That’s why anxiety can be so hard to manage sometimes, it’s different for everyone but mine is manic and panicky and the only way I can describe it is not feeling safe in my own body.  Today I actually had to read my OWN BLOG in an attempt to stop freaking out, which at first made me feel pathetic and then (as my wise, beautiful friend Ellie reminded me), I realised I had to treat myself differently today and try and separate the anxiety part of me from the regular me. All the things I would think about regular me did not apply today. There was no point in me trying to have a coffee, slap some make up on and pull myself together because I was beyond the point of rationality and too far gone into an irrational, inconsolable part of my mind.  The first thing I tried to do was look at the facts.  - I’d overdone it with substances the past couple of weekends (not in the grand scheme of things but by my current standards). - I’ve just increased my SSRI’s to 75mg (when I first started taking them the couple of weeks following made me feel manic - and it’s probably just that that’s happening again). - I haven’t been sleeping properly, and when I have I’ve had horrible dreams that leave me feeling fucked in the head long after I’ve woken up. (Sleeping and eating right are the two things that keep me sane - when either fucks up it’s a recipe for disaster). - I’ve gotten behind on uni work, and consistently wound myself up about it. (I don’t need to wind myself up - I’m in regular contact with the disability department who are completely aware that my attendance won’t always be great and I can watch lectures online AND I’m only in first year fgs). - I have a lot of medical appointments and procedures coming up that I’m nervous about. (This is something I can’t control or limit worrying about it, even though I’ve been trying more recently).  - THIS HAPPENS TO ME ONCE A MONTH. I need to get to grips with the fact that I am ruled by my hormones and monthly cycle and try to see it as almost a positive - at least I generally have an indication of what my feeling will be according to where I am in my cycle. (this is bound to completely mess up when I get my coil taken out and go back on the pill and I am dreading. it.)

Even with all those things in mind I couldn’t stop crying for hours and nothing would stop the unbearable, gut wrenching feeling that everything was completely wrong. Again, completely text book stuff for anyone with GAD that I’m sure so many people experience. For people who don’t have experience of it, I think the only way I can describe it that you think/act exactly as if someone has just told you something terrible, or you’ve experienced something traumatic. You cry, shake, have difficulty breathing, feel sick, faint, dizzy - but the problem is there’s often nothing that triggered it and so your mind goes on a ridiculous wander, searching for reasons as to why you feel like this, feeling guilty because you think it’s silly to be panicking. And so you go further and further into the panic and it seems like you’ll be stuck this way forever.  I feel about 40% back to my self again tonight which, although it doesn’t sound great, is a massive deal. The fact that I can even recognise that 1. feeling this way isn’t normal. and 2. there are logical reasons that led me to this point is something anyone should be proud of. If this had happened to me a few years ago I would have lied about it, brushed it off, said it was a one off and forgotten about it and that is something that fortunately I’m incapable of doing now. Everyone has their own ways of dealing with difficult feelings and situations and mine is to talk, write, listen to others and ultimately try and turn scary, isolating experiences into ones of solidarity and comfort through sharing them.  I’ve never known how I felt about being defined by an illness or ‘letting’ it define me but I do know that being aware of your own thoughts and how they can damage you is extremely important. Today, nothing really made me feel normal and tomorrow I might feel just as fucked up. But I know I didn’t feel like this a week, even days ago. I know that at some point I will feel like myself again, I just don’t know when that point will be. And that’s scary, and although this was one bad day, bad days can turn to weeks and months and get harder and harder with too many bad things building up. All you can do is treat yourself with compassion and respect even when you feel you don’t deserve it. You do, and I know the feels when you don’t want to look after yourself and what matters is that you try. Try everything. Cry, sleep, scream, talk to someone, cry to someone, text someone, go for a walk, sit at home, lie in bed, read, write, draw, shop, run, swim - remember that at times like these you don’t have to function ‘normally’. If you don’t feel well - take the day off. Having time out can feel like an inconvenience or like you’re failing (I know this all too well after working too many jobs for far too long when I was far too unwell), but it is a necessity and anyone who disputes that doesn’t understand. And they don’t have to, but they have to respect and tolerate and allow you to look after yourself. When you feel like you’re losing yourself it can feel like you’re losing everything, and the best thing to do is try to take a step back, try and understand what you’re feeling, admit that something isn’t right and go back to basics, whatever the basics are for you. And I’ll end with the number one most important thing - don’t isolate yourself, however tempting, it usually isn’t the right decision. I love spending time alone but not when I feel like this. I only want to be alone because I feel like a burden or annoying or embarrassed of how I’m feeling but ultimately I know that reaching out to someone in any way you can is usually positive (unless that person is a vile/problematic person - it can be tempting to go there when you feel shit but DON’T GO THERE. don’t. plz). I know I constantly bang on about Eve Ensler, but this talk is worth watching for anyone who thinks that what their body and mind is telling them can be ignored and pushed aside for every day routine - it can’t.  (I’m sure this could have been written a lot better but I am feeling fragile and need to zone out to some awful tv with my unicorn so I hope some of this made some kind of sense to someone ok bye)

#endometriosis chronicilness anxiety depression

[sarahaltmanposts]

After the treatment...

November 28, 2018

It has been almost a month since my chemo treatments ended.  A month filled with lots of activities, some cancer related and some just about regular life.  Maybe it’s the timing or maybe I would’ve had this experience at any time of the year, but I’m finding there is a sadness that has descended upon me, kind of like when I woke up this morning and there was a thick fog outside.  And I’m having trouble navigating myself out of it into the light.  

November is notoriously a challenging month for me.  No matter what my state of mind is going into the month, by Thanksgiving I feel the sadness creeping in.  November 30th will mark the seventeenth anniversary of the day we lost our daughter, Hope.  And even though throughout the rest of the year I can usually reframe that entire experience for the gift it has offered, come the end of November, I’m just sad.  

Layer that with the transition out of chemo and it has been just plain tough.  

On the physical level, my body has responded well to the end of chemo. I’m starting to get the feeling back in my finger tips and the tingling has lessened quite a bit.  But my skin has erupted with bumps that I can only imagine are the toxins finding a way to work themselves out of my body.  The bumps itch, but I can’t scratch because then I bleed.  So I do my best to ignore them.  They’ve been there for about two weeks now and I’m hoping they will soon subside.

I’ve also gotten my appetite back and it has returned with a  vengeance.  This was most evident when I was in Colorado Springs for my son’s gymnastics competition.  Did you know that the Doubletree hotel offers free chocolate chip cookies at the front desk? And they will give you one any time you ask!  Feeling too embarrassed to return several times a day, I took advantage of my son’s youth and had him  request the warm, delicious treat on my behalf. I think I ate two a day for the four days we were there!  They also had a wonderful breakfast spread that was included with the stay. Although I love breakfast, it’s not a meal I indulge in that often. But at the Doubltree that week I filled my plate with several samples each morning.  I ate as if I’d been rescued from a deserted island where I hadn’t eaten in months.  I just could not get enough food.  

This is problematic for a couple reasons.  One, it triggered all my eating issues from my twenties.  Even though I know I can afford to gain a few pounds, I worry about that slippery slope. Images of the blueberry girl from “Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory” enter my brain.  I know it’s not logical, but my fear is that once I start eating, I will immediately balloon out to the big girl I was in my youth.  

Also, with my current state of mind, I can’t discern whether it’s depression that I’m feeding or a real need for nourishment.  So I worry that this need to feed myself will never end.

But of course it does, at least intermittently.  Since I returned from Colorado, I’ve managed to get back to my regular eating habits several days a week. But there’s a battle that goes on in my head every day about my desire to eat loads and loads of carbs or treat my body with the care it deserves and make healthy choices.  Some days, the depression wins.  And it certainly doesn’t help that the holidays are upon us and there’s lots more opportunities to indulge.

But my sense is that the eating is just a symptom of the larger problem: this nasty depression that’s lingering.

Yes, dealing with the death of Hope is one thing.  But this feels like it’s much more about the cancer stuff.  

I was recently at a doctor’s appointment and found myself sitting next to the most lovely young lady.  Her hair was a bit longer then mine, (Oh, yes, I have hair again!  It’s growing in slowly, but pretty soon I will be ditching the scarves and doing my best ‘Wakanda Forever’ fierce woman look from “Black Panther.”) and I began a conversation with her about where she was in her treatment.  Turned out she did the same regiment as me.  After chatting for a bit, I asked her if she experienced depression upon completion of her treatment.  Her eyes widened as she exclaimed “Oh, yes!  Very much so.”  She went on to share how she began seeing a psychiatrist to give her support and after a month of being on a low dose of anti-depressants, was beginning to feel herself again.  She also learned about how chemo affects our brains and explained how it can take several months for us to begin to feel better.  I was so grateful for that conversation.  

All along, I have felt so supported by friends and family, but this conversation solidified a recurring thought  I’ve had about reaching out for additional help from cancer support groups.  

This journey began nine months ago.  And for the outsider witnessing me in this process, it may appear that I’m fine and no longer need support.  But what I’ve realized is that being in treatment provided me with an active role in fighting cancer. And now, with treatment ending, I feel isolated and unprotected, like I’m fighting without any weapons.  

I hope I’m not presenting too bleak a picture here. It’s not like I’m walking around feeling doom and gloom all of the time. The busyness of my life keeps me from dwelling in the lows for too long, and I’m grateful for that.  These feelings are more an undercurrent, a constant that sits right below the surface. And even a tiny scratch causes the feelings to flow.

So while I’d thought the chemo ending was going to be the beginning of the end, I guess I’m realizing that I’m still deep in the heart of the process. I have so many fears about learning that the cancer is still there, that I will have to continue treatment, or even that I still may die from this.  

So the doctor’s appointments continue, the testing and the medications will be a constant. In the next six weeks I have eight doctor’s appointments and a surgery.  And I was told I will most likely be on medication for ten years.  

As I write that, I hear a voice in my head uttering “wah, wah, wah”.  What a pity party I’m having for myself. And believe me, the irony of my strong desire to stay alive, but feeling so sad and complaining about my experience does not escape me.  I’m doing my best to release judgments.  And while I work on forgiving myself, I ask that you, too, please forgive me.  I really don’t like that part of myself, but these blogs are about transparency and this is where I am these days.

I guess part of my lesson is that I can feel two conflicting things at the same time.  So experiencing tremendous gratitude for the blessings in my life and  sadness or depression simultaneously is ok.  

It occurred to me during one of my recent walks  that maybe this is my winter; a time to be quiet and still and listen to my heart.  Maybe, like some animals who hibernate, I’m settling in so I can awake, fresh and new, ready to start the next chapter, a healthy, more grounded self.  

Deep breaths, one foot in front of the other, acceptance, gratitude, seeking out the opportunities to learn and grow.  This is my life and I am grateful.  And so it is.

In loving,

Sarah

[jewelsmemory]

Trying to believe in his timing despite everything

Seeing this earlier and realizing after my appointment last Monday I needed this, a reminder to trust in his timing when I feel like I’m running out of time constantly and everything I’ve ever wanted has been taken from me & is continuously being taken from me. My appointment on one hand went exactly how I expected and at the same time was entirely different than I thought it would go. It was something I needed to approach on my own and had wanted to for awhile but didn’t get the courage to until my pelvic pain got to a severe point recently & my OBGYN suggested another follow up with my Reproductive Endocrinologist after my initial ultrasound findings came back that my uterus was slightly enlarged & had shifted to the left side causing me significant pain. My original ultrasound results a month ago weren’t an accurate indication of what my specialist saw when he did another ultrasound himself during my appointment. My uterus isn’t enlarged in a typical sense or completely against the left side as thought, he had trouble visualizing my left ovary but my ovaries are higher and everything is atypical from where it typically should be and the exam felt extra weird and uncomfortable 😣 in a different way than I was use to. My BP and pulse were high but my BP went back to normal when rechecked and my pulse dropped significantly but remained elevated. My uterus is still quite small, it’s just increasing slightly in size due to trapped menstrual blood that can’t get out because I have a uterine horn blocking the one side which is likely the source of my left sided severe lower pelvic pain. This was something they had wondered about before but I wasn’t having cyclic pain before and I didn’t have this uterine horn either as prior to diagnosis they were expecting . Also the pain should have been occurring all this time as I was having “regular cycles” and ovulating instead of within the last few years. He was also my surgeon 8 years ago and while they have photos of me about to ovulate from one of my appointments back then and he was able to visually show me my eggs 🥚 in each ovary and comparison photos they didn’t visualize any uterine lining in my uterus before I guess but now suddenly in my last two recent ultrasounds I have some. Like my body knows what it’s suppose to do now and didn’t before. He’s not sure why this is, and seems perplexed by this happening at this point. For someone that’s honestly the best at what he does in the area he didn’t seem 100% like he knew what was going on now in comparison to then. He does believe my uterus is causing me severe pain and the best course of action is to remove it along with one or both of my Fallopian tubes but leaving my ovaries so I’m still ovulating and not thrown into early menopause. Anyone who has followed me knows how much this is like having every single one of my irrational fears thrown back into my face. Even if I can’t carry I can’t conceive the possibility of accepting my fate and having that surgery at 26. It’s not something I’m emotionally ready for at this point and I’m so conflicted because I want the pain to stop but that’s so scary and permanent. Almost a week has gone by and I’m still unsure as to what to do about this. I keep reminding myself I don’t have to do it and I have options even if they are limited. When I think about doing it I isolate myself, cry a lot, don’t eat (after my appointment I saw no one and didn’t eat anything all day). My heart is literally so broken thinking about it and it’s a huge surgery with serious complications and recovery time and has the potential to make everything that I love and that means the most to me super triggering (potentially forever).

Got my Peak Fertility OPK earlier today and should be ovulating tomorrow. Another potential treatment option would be taking birth control pills as means of cycle suppression and skipping the inactive pills to stop my cycle & ovulation by keeping my hormones so low so I’m not having any pain from it as well as getting another MRI done. My specialist is retiring in a month exactly and he wants to be the one to do my surgery if he’s able to borrow more surgery time basically to be able to take care of me as I’ve been his patient. I think I need to start seeking outside second opinions. Decisions, Decisions, Mama just wants her rainbow baby. 😢💕❤️I know I’m meant to be a mom again, so why does it have to be so damn impossible and difficult!?