#haven't written anything good since November before this

[anotherhumaninthisworld]

Can you please tell me some wholesome facts about the revolutionaries? 😊

In his notes on Robespierre (written somewhere right after thermidor) Fréron claims that, at least while at college, ”one cannot remember to have seen him laugh once.” But then later he writes that ”the witty naiveties of Camille Desmoulins made Robespierre laugh until he cried.”

On January 23 1793, Lucile Desmoulins writes in her diary about witnessing the funeral procession of Louis-Michel le Peletier, a deputy murdered on the 20th after having voted for death during the king’s trial. She was very touched by what she saw and couldn’t stop her tears for a while. After all her guests have left that evening she can’t stand to be alone with her thoughts, so ”I ran to D(anton’s). He was moved to see me still pale and defeated. We drank tea, I supped there.”

In his memoirs, Barras reports the following about Augustin Robespierre:

[Napoleon] informed me that a woman of the lower classes, who had been assisted by Robespierre the Younger, had been arraigned before the Revolutionary Tribunal and sentenced to death during his absence from Paris, and that on his return he had expressed disapproval of the sentence, sent for the twelve-year-old son of that woman, clothed him, and admitted him to his table; the boy feeling sad, Ricord commanded him to drink to the health of the Republic, but the lad refused; thereupon Robespierre the Younger, addressing Ricord, said to him: ”Respect such a character. You would not do as much under similar circumstances." 

On October 20 Couthon wrote a very clingy letter to Saint-Just while away on a mission to Lyon — ”You haven't written me a line, my friend, since we parted; I blame you for it, because you promised me that in any case of absence, you would give me your news. […] You know, my dear friend, that I need, to console myself for the evils that overwhelm me, testimonies of interest from those I esteem; tell me then that you exist, that you are well, that you have not forgotten me, and I will be happy.”

Le Bas also wrote quite warmly about SJ in a letter to his wife dated November 28 1793:

We went this morning, Saint-Just and I, to visit one of the highest mountains at the top of which is an old fort in ruins, placed on an immense rock. We both felt, looking around, a delicious feeling. This is the first day that we have had a break. […] Saint-Just is almost as eager as I to see Paris again. I promised him dinner from your hand. I’m glad you don’t hold it against him; he is an excellent man; I love and esteem him more and more by every passing day. The Republic has no more ardent, more intelligent defender. The most perfect agreement, the most constant harmony reigned among us. What makes him even dearer to me is that he often talks to me about you and consoles me as much as he can. He sets a high value, it seems to me, on our friendship, and he says things to me from time to time with a very good heart.

Élisabeth Le Bas confirms her husband’s feelings for Saint-Just in her memoirs, when describing the relationship between the three while on a mission together:

Saint-Just had the most delicate attentions for me en route and the considerations of a tender brother. At each relay station, he descended from the coach to see if anything was missing, for fear of an accident. He saw me suffering so much that he feared for me. He was, at last, so good and so attentive to my sister-in-law and me that the trip did not seem long to us. My beloved was very sensitive to all his kindnesses and gave him all his recognition. To pass the time, these messieurs would read us Molière plays or some passages from Rabelais, and sang Italian airs; they made every effort to distract us and make me forget my suffering.

When Camille on December 11 1790 was finally given permission by Lucile’s parents to marry their daughter, he described his reaction the following way: ”When her mother told me a moment ago, she brought me to her room; I threw myself on Lucile’s lap; surprised at hearing her laugh I open my eyes, hers were in no better state than mine, she was all in tears, she was even crying profusely and yet she was still laughing. I have never seen such a delightful spectacle, and I would not have imagined that nature and sensibility could unite these two contrasts to such an extent.”

In February 1793 Camille and Lucile went on a short trip to Essonne, where they lived alone in an old castle and amused themselves with going for walks, riding donkeys, fishing and boating. In a letter to her mother Lucile reports: ”You would laugh if you saw C(amille) as a boatman, rowing as hard as he can and at any moment flanking the boat against the first point of land that it meets. What a pity that it isn’t summer! […] Write to me as soon as possible to let is know the day you have chosen for us to pick you up at Essonne in a cabriolet and me on my donkey.”

On August 9 1793, Madame Roland was joined in prison by Pétion’s wife Anne Madeleine Françoise and ten year old son Louis Étienne Jérôme. Judging by what she wrote in her memoirs and letters (1, 2, 3), it would appear like she took them both under her wing:

I suffered for my poor companion beyond words. It was I who undertook the sad task of preparing her for the blow she hardly expected, and of announcing it to her (Most likely a reference to the death of Anne’s mother, executed in Paris on September 24 1793). I was sure to bring to it the alleviations that another would perhaps have found with difficulty, because it is only my position that could make me share her pain so well. This circumstance caused her to be sent to me; we eat together, and she likes to spend most of the days near me; I work much less, but I am useful, and this feeling makes me taste a kind of charm that the tyrants do not know. […] I receive Lady B's letters with gratitude. I do not know them, I intend to make them useful for two people, I will have little P(étion) read them; I had only Thompson which he could not yet understand.

Éléonore Duplay also appears to have been a huge support to her little sister Élisabeth and two month old nephew Philippe while the three sat in prison together after thermidor. In her memoirs, Élisabeth writes — ”Oh! I will not in a lifetime forget you! For without you I would have succumbed; but, with your courage, you revived my strength and made me see that I had a great task to fulfill, that I had a son, that I needed to live for him. […] No, good dear sister Éléonore, I will not forget your devotion to me and your poor little nephew in a lifetime; my recognition will be eternal!”

Lucile Desmoulins and Hébert’s wife Marie Marguerite Françoise they too seem to have been rather inseparable both while in prison together and on their way to the scaffold.

After the death of Phillippeaux and Desmoulins, the former’s wife Marguerite became friends with the latter’s mother-in-law Annette. The two processed their grief together and also let their children, Auguste Phillippeaux (1787) and Horace Desmoulins (1792) get to know and play with each other. Five letters from Marguerite to Annette have been published, and they really are quite wholesome.

Other posts I’ve already made that contain wholesome stuff:

Cute animals compilation

Horace Desmoulins

Robespierre with children

#ok most of these are perhaps more bittersweet than wholesome #but that’s how it goes in the french revolution #if anyone has more feel free to add! #maximilien robespierre #augustin robespierre #camille desmoulins #lucile desmoulins #philippe lebas #élisabeth lebas #louis antoine saint just #manon roland

[pieroulette]

• ORPHAN SERIES •

TEASER

🎬genre: reverse harem, romance, supernatural! au, modern!au, orphans enha!

🖋️word count: 2.7k

🌹pairing: enha x fem! reader

November 7th, 20**

You took a quick look at the calendar displayed on the walls of the busy restaurant in front of you, realising that it has been a few months now that you still haven't found a job after graduating. Barely supporting yourself with a piece of bread and a little cash on the table in front of you.

It's impossible to live if this continues.

How did this even happen? You were doing all just fine all this time and well with your step-family, them being all so kind and caring to you, and even are willing to still support you after college, how did it even turn out this way?

You let out a heavy sigh as you stare at the bright screen of your phone revealing the list of numbers, pondering on who should you call; should it be your friend? You shook your head, you possibly can't ask for her help when she too was having a hard time with her life and a share of her problems, and even if her life was good — you still don't wanna trouble her.

You scrolled through the list a bit more, and there it shows your ex-boyfriend's number. Scoffing at yourself for not even deleting it yet, even when he already dumped you for another girl with whom he had cheated with while in a relationship with you. If there's anything you could define him, that is 'shameless' and ‘trash’.

Well at least, the trash threw themselves out. Fuck him, you won’t waste anymore of your time crying over a piece of trash.

Another scroll here and there, your biological mother's number appeared. The one who had appeared in front of your house, admitting that you both were related and that she regrets letting you go. Resting your cheeks on your hand, you weren't sure whether you should trust her on that though, but she sure looks guilty as hell even when you nonchalantly told her it doesn't matter now and that you two should live your lives separately since it was already that way since the beginning.

Maybe, just maybe, you should call her?

You stood across the street, watching as people went on their ways and vehicles passing by. The phone is still in your hand, and your biological mother's number is displayed in front of the screen. Just one time won’t hurt, right? You pressed your lips tight as you almost bring your thumb to tap on her number before suddenly the loud siren of the ambulance and a plenty of others passed by shook you, making you dropped your phone on the ground.

You cursed silently, bending down to pick up your phone back but then something caught your eye; a somewhat old vintage poster laying across the ground from you. Straightening your posture back, you waited because someone suddenly stood on it.

Sighing through your nose as they finally left for what seem like an eternity, you picked the old dusty poster from the ground, the musty smell of it hitting your nose, and there a long paragraph of message was written on it.

It was actually a job offer to work in an orphanage, and the first thing you did when you read it was, you scoffed. Orphanage? You might as well die. Kids for you, are equivalent to demons and just standing closer to them is like the same as being close to an endless erupting volcano. But really, do you still have any other choice in this situation?

You pouted as you pondered for a moment, of whether you should take the offer and go to the orphanage. But another part of you was sceptical that it might just be another petty scam, or in worse cases, a serial killer luring in stupid victims, like you.

And again do you really have any choice? Either way, you’d still be dead so why just don’t go for it and see? If it’s true, then you’re lucky — and if it’s truly a serial killer, then you’ll gladly accept your death.

—

Your mouth hangs low enough for an insect to fly in through as a big old-looking mansion was represented in front of you in this vast isolated field. For a moment, you thought you were really going into a killer’s nest when the driveway was slightly overgrown with the grasses, and the cab’s driver asking you what you could be doing in a weird place like this which you simply answered with,

“If I die, I'll die.”

Jokes on you, you’re about to shit yourselves anytime now because of how creepy and abandoned the mansion looks. You were contemplating whether to go inside or not as there was not even a soul around this place, completely contradicting the claim of ‘well-organised and safe shelter for kids’ written on the poster in your hands now.

Knitting your eyebrows as you read through the paragraph once more, searching for something you might've missed in the first place and then your eyes spot something weird.

1908’ Dec 3th

Your jaw dropped so hard that you bring the paper closer to your eyes, reading through it once more. You’ve never seen the date before, so how could it be here? You swore there was no date below the paragraph when you first read it, you couldn't have miss a simple date written below it? Were you that dumb? Or were you forgetful enough while on the way here? Or again really dumb enough not to read it twice or thrice before you made the hasty decision to come over here?

“Shit..” you sighed exaggeratingly, facepalming yourself with your left hand and stomping the ground repeatedly as you can’t believe you were so dumb not to read it carefully, and that you actually got a job offer back in the 19th century. This place might as well be haunted now that you think about it. What a hassle, you’d definitely won’t be dead because of a random serial killer but because of a vengeful ghost possessing you. But the ghosts here probably won’t since that would mean they’re volunteering to take a dumb shell like you.

“Yeah, yeah.” shaking your head as you let out another exaggerated sigh, your eyes lazily looking up at the mansion again, staring at the windows for any possible entity, and probably beg it to rip your life away from you or perhaps bargain with it for any possible job offer, like being their maid or something.

Or just be a ghost, probably.

Letting out a small ‘tch’ as you can’t do anything now, might as well just go home and look for another job offer on the internet. You heard a low thunder from the distance, the sky is getting grey hinting that it’s going to rain soon and you definitely would never seek shelter in this possibly haunted mansion. Crinkling the poster in your hands deeming it useless now, you threw it carelessly on the ground.

You turn around facing the empty road, wanting to leave as soon as possible, and rest in your house’s comfort but then you halt your rushy steps, hearing something odd, something that shouldn’t be in a deserted place like this; a baby’s cries.

It instantly gives you chills, making your eyes widened. It couldn’t be? You knew this mansion was an orphanage, but it was clearly abandoned with all the tall grass against it, and the bushes and brambles up against the door and windows. You turned around facing the mansion once again, but to your surprise, the sound wasn’t coming from inside, but around you. It can’t be that it came from the field?

You swore you don’t wanna go there but it seems as if the baby’s cries were pulling you towards it, making you feel all sorts of emotions, like you wanna hold the baby and comfort it. It’s weird, you couldn’t care any less about babies before, heck you don’t even want to be around kids. But why? The baby’s cry sounds so painful and heart-wrenching, as if it has been alone this entire time, in this isolated green field. Your feet naturally brings itself across the grass with little flowers on it, and there it was, a brown basket laying just a bit farther than you.

Your breath hitched the moment your eyes laid on the baby swaddled in a light blue blanket, crying endlessly with its small hands clenching tightly, the sight made your heart clench in pain. You immediately carried the baby carefully in your arms, singing a soft lullaby to it as the baby’s cries gradually slowed down. The baby eventually slept, making you smile as to how adorable and small it looks.

But your smile falls as you realise just where this baby’s parents are? How could anyone have the capability to leave such a small child, especially in an isolated and creepy place like this? They don’t deserve to be called parents or even humans, you thought.

Rolling your eyes in annoyance as you suddenly spotted something from the basket, it was only then you noticed the black envelope under it. Huh? You bend down picking it up, staring at it for a few minutes wondering what could be written inside it, you pull the letter but just then you heard something from the distance again.

A cry, a baby's cry.

Instantly snapping your head to the direction from where it came from, raising your eyebrow in confusion.

What? Another one?

—

It has been a few days now, staying in the mansion, looking after these seven babies in the cribs in front of you. Yes, seven babies. You would really call yourself insane for even believing what was written on the letter you found from the basket.

—

“From Decelis Orphanage;

Congratulations, you are accepted into our private orphanage. We are delighted to say that you’re one of the few chosen ones and because of that, we highly believe in your abilities and capability in successfully completing each task given to you. Here, you will be assigned to the most important task of all; and that is to look after the orphans and care for them as you would to your own child. Please read the instructions carefully before you proceed,

Starting from now, letters will be randomly delivered to the mailbox outside the mansion for further instructions. Before we proceed with the rules, you must keep in mind that the orphans are in no way you would call a human. As absurd as it sounds, the fact that you were pulled into the babies' cries like a human to a siren proves that they had chosen you as their guardian. If you refuse to believe it, then you may chose to do so, however there will be consequences waiting for you which we won't be responsible for. For a year, you will act as their mother and are expected to look after their basic needs until they grow up, and rest assured, once you completed it — you will receive the rewards and now onto the rules you must strictly follow:

1) Carefully attend to their needs. They feed on energy, and in rare cases, solid foods. Do not give them anything other than what is stated.

2) Do not enter the room during the night for that was the time when they’re going through metamorphosis.

3) Please only refer to yourself as ‘mother’ whenever you are with them

4) Do not expose them to the outer world unless stated.

5) Do not form any further close bond with them after they reach the age of 14.

6) They do not have names, only call them by their respective numbers.

7) Leave before they reach the age of 19.

—

Why did you even believe it? Why? And what, a year? A fucking year? These babies will grow in a year? What in the actual fuck is that? What kind of nonsense is that? Even more so, non human babies? You are certified crazy.

You scoffed, then what are they? Demons? God, you really did just sign up for a free spot in afterlife. But you couldn't really refuse it for two reasons: first, the consequences that was written on the paper, at first you didn't even want to continue reading it but that word took your attention the most and you really don't wanna take the risk. And then two, the reward. You wonder what reward they could be saying, money? You hope so. You really hope it was money, raising kids won't be easy even if it only take one year to raise these non-human babies like they said.

"Fuck, let's just see if it's real."

You jolted in surprise when you suddenly heard a loud smash inside their room, quickly getting up on your feet worrying about any possible intruders, you immediately rushed in kicking the door open with a bat in your hands, ready to beat anyone to death with it. But what you saw made you blinked multiple times, unsure of what was going on inside the room.

Loud cries and rushy footsteps from the small toddler sitting on the floor, and 3 more others smashing the furniture to the ground.

“Did they really grow this fast?..” you were speechless as you observed the four who were previously a baby the night before. So the letter was true after all.

The room was filled with adorable laughter coming from the toddlers which definitely would put your heart in ease but the reality was nothing but different, yes they are adorable as hell but what they were doing right now was sure as hell not adorable at all, you let out a groan as you quickly pulled them away from the scattered pieces on the floor but instead they cried, annoying you even more. And the black-haired boy thrashing around in your caged arms like a maniac, was also not helping at all.

“Stop moving! Oh my god!”

Then you jolted in surprise when the blonde-haired toddler sneakily pinched your sides resulting in you accidentally letting the boy escape from your arms. You could only observe them with your jaw dropped, as they ran around the room, laughing adorably and playing with each other, kicking the scattered pieces on the ground. If you called them sleeping angels when they were babies, then right now a living baby demon is what you would call them.

You gave up and you instead walked over to the crying toddler on the floor — trying your best to comfort him while his tiny hands clenched your shirt.

“So cute..” you gently patted his head as he buried his face on your shoulder, sniffing slowly. You were surprised to see that he was more gentle and quieter than the others, he quickly fell asleep sucking his tiny finger. The sight made your heart jump because of how cute he looks, and now you wonder which one was he, and so you laid him on the crib and checked his arm and there you saw it,

62403

Oh, how you wanna just give him a full name because it would be awkward as hell to call him by a number when he finally grow up. If you could give him a name, you would but the rules forbids it and you really wonder why. The toddler shuffles, bringing your hand closer to his face, hugging it.

"He's so adorable.." you cooed, if he was this gentle as a toddler, then he would definitely be a gentleman once he grow up which is in a few months from now, and you can't wait for that.

You then turned to look at the three toddlers still playing, and one of them sticked their tongue at you making you scoffed, you wonder what kind of names would definitely suit those little demons too.

And it was just now, you noticed that the rest were still babies sleeping safe and sound on their respective cribs. You walked over to the baby you found first from the field, 101501.

For some reason, you felt more bond with the baby, and you were actually waiting, excited of what kind of boy he was going to grow up to — apparently wishing he would turn out to be gentle just like 62403. You stroked his rosy cheeks gently with a smile on your face as you slowly raise your eyes to look at the rest of the babies as well.

4 of them are now toddlers, and 3 are still babies.

So the letter you received a few days ago was true.

—

“In rare cases, they do not grow at the same pace. The delay of their growth can be up to 3 days or more, but this does not necessarily indicate that they would be weaker than those with faster growth.”

—

© sweetpieceofnightmarez, Oct 10th. 2022

-> secondary blog: @llyzblog

-> ORPHAN SERIES: TEASER 2

#enha #enha imagines #enhypen #enhypen x reader #enha x reader #enhypen oneshots #enhypen scenarios #enha fanfic #enhypen x female reader #kpop imagines #enhypen smut #enhypen smau #enha smut #enhypen heeseung

[rockyroadkylers]

2023 Writing Roundup

@hgejfmw-hgejhsf tagged me to do this, and @inexplicablymine actually did, too, a while back, so here we go!

i haven't written much this year- well, no, okay, that's a lie, in terms of word count i've written quite a lot, but in terms of how many fics i've posted, i don't have that many to share, here. but i'm pretty dang proud of what i do have!

May

I Will Soften Every Edge (I'll Do Better) - MCU, 6.6k, T

Tony Stark is unexpectedly thrust into parenthood when he discovers that Spider-Man is not only fourteen years old, but also his son. He's unsure how to proceed from there, until the Vulture destroys a ferry full of people and Tony learns something about his son that makes him reevaluate his own behavior. Gift for hold_our_destiny from my Fic Raffle on Tumblr.

October

It's Nice to Have a Friend - RWRB, 59k, 11 chapters, T

Two boys meet on a beach, build a sand castle, write letters, and fall in love.

November

After Everything, I Must Confess I Need You - RWRB, 5.8k, T

“Fuck,” he gasps, tears springing to his eyes and mixing with the rainwater on his face. He’s not sure if the tears are from the asphalt biting into his palms, or if it’s a release of the emotions he’s been trying to shove down deep ever since he woke up to an empty top bunk at the lake house. Wait. Asphalt. Over the pounding rain, Alex hears the shrill sound of a horn honking, and looks up just in time to be blinded by a pair of headlights coming straight at him. OR: When Alex dares Henry to tell him to leave, Henry actually does. Neither of them could have predicted what happens next.

Upcoming in 2024:

i picked the petals, he loves me not

canon divergence starting from the day Alex and Henry met in Rio, following an AU where Alex develops Hanahaki Disease from Henry asking Shaan to get rid of him.

currently untitled sequel to It's Nice to Have a Friend

Picking up where chapter ten left off (Alex and Henry finally getting together), the sequel will follow the boys as they navigate their new relationship through the ups and downs of long distance, therapy, school, and Ellen's 2016 presidential campaign.

This Love is Worth the Fight

a surprisingly highly-requested sequel to After Everything, I Must Confess I Need You. It will likely be another longfic, due to the amount of ideas I've made notes of, but I don't have anything concrete, yet.

1/124th of a second (credit to Beas for the genius title)

Actor!Henry, Photographer!Alex AU. Sort of an enemies to lovers premise. I won't actually be able to write this one until Mary and George comes out, I don't think, because the premise of it is Alex taking a job as the photographer taking pictures of Henry to promote his role as George Villiers in Mary and George, and he watches the show to prepare for the job, so I might need to be able to actually reference some of the scenes in order to write about Alex watching the show, lol. Other than that, this fic is entirely outlined, so it should be easy to write... once I have access to clips of the show for reference, pfft.

this has been fun to do! so much of the writing i've done this year has taken place over the last four months, that sometimes i forget i did any writing before the month of September 😂 but i did! and it's good writing, too, as hard as that is for me to remember, sometimes.

tagging: @matherines, @firenati0n, @affectionatelyrs, @anincompletelist, @littlemisskittentoes, @read-and-write-, @happiness-of-the-pursuit, @songliili, @wordsofhoneydew

#tag game #writing roundup #q

[theputterer]

Good Things In 2023

It’s that time of year again! Time to remember all the good things that happened in 2023. I’ve done this since 2017, and highly recommend doing this as a fun way to reflect (and to have something for future reference when you are feeling Down.)

woof ok here we go

PERSONAL

I visited two countries I haven't been to before: the Netherlands and Iceland!

The Netherlands: mostly Amsterdam but did also pop down to The Hague for a day. Did the Van Gogh Museum, the Anne Frank House, the Rijksmuseum, the Bloemenmarkt, a canal boat tour, the Royal Palace, the Mauritshuis.

Iceland: I was there for less than 48 hours but I saw THE NORTHERN LIGHTS!!!! they were subtler than I expected but so cool. also did the Perlan Museum and a Lava Show, which ruled.

Related: I turned 30 this year!

My dear friend Sam came to visit me in Dublin in June! The highlight of her visit was going with her to see Hozier at Malahide Castle.

Speaking of which, Hozier dropped UNREAL UNEARTH which isn't personal, per se, but is very personal to me

My sister visited me in November! We squeezed a lot in her time here, but highlights were Glendalough, the Hill of Tara, and the Galway Christmas Market.

A few aunts went on a trip to Ireland this fall and I joined them for a bit up in Donegal, as well as a day trip to Derry, which I'd not been to before.

Completely fucking forgot about this but I did write a 158k word long ROGUE ONE / FRINGE AU, ENDLESS FORMS MOST BEAUTIFUL. it was a real fuckin bitch to finish, let me tell you that

I got really into MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE over the summer (don't ask) and wrote a couple short pieces inspired by the most recent movie, DEAD RECKONING - PART ONE: LADY LAZARUS and WORTHY THE NAME OF SIR KNIGHT.

I jumped back on my bullshit in October and wrote a long, extended epilogue to my BINARY STAR SYSTEMS trilogy: TWO DESERTS. the way the series ended was always correct and good but it was fun to write this extended epilogue focusing on the fallout, the question of what it's like to live past the end of your myth.

Anything bolded below is something I particularly enjoyed and recommend. 

MOVIES

2023 movies I saw and liked:

M3GAN

KNOCK AT THE CABIN

65

BONO AND THE EDGE, A SORT OF HOMECOMING WITH DAVID LETTERMAN

DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS: HONOR AMONG THIEVES

RENFIELD

THREE MUSKETEERS: D'ARTAGNAN

JOHN MULANEY: BABY J

SISU

THE LITTLE MERMAID

SPIDER-MAN: ACROSS THE SPIDER VERSE

ASTEROID CITY

INDIANA JONES AND THE DIAL OF DESTINY

MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE: DEAD RECKONING - PART ONE

BARBIE

OPPENHEIMER

PAST LIVES

ELEMENTAL

A HAUNTING IN VENICE

CHEVALIER

KILLERS OF THE FLOWER MOON

BOTTOMS

THE ROYAL HOTEL

DREAM SCENARIO

ANATOMY OF A FALL

THE HUNGER GAMES: THE BALLAD OF SONGBIRDS AND SNAKES

EILEEN

NAPOLEON

GODZILLA MINUS ONE

FERRARI

2022 movies I saw and liked:

TAR

THE LOST CITY

WOMEN TALKING

TV

THE LAST OF US

PEAKY BLINDERS

BOOKS

super embarrassing how few books I read this year:

"Survival of the Richest: Escape Fantasies of the Tech Billionaires" by Douglas Rushkoff

"Donegal Folk Tales" by Joe Brennan

"Listen to the Land Speak: A Journey into the Wisdom of What Lies Beneath Us" by Manchan Magan

"Hell Bent" by Leigh Bardugo

"The Book of M" by Peng Shepherd

"The World We Make" by NK Jemisin

"The Echo Wife" by Sarah Gailey

"Daisy Jones and the Six" by Taylor Jenkins Reid

"White Cat, Black Dog: Stories" by Kelly Link

"Yellowface" by RF Kuang

"Ithaca" by Claire North

"Killers of the Flower Moon: The Osage Murders and the Birth of the FBI" by David Grann

"A Heart That Works" by Rob Delaney

"Rebecca" by Daphne du Maurier

"The Crying Book" by Heather Christie

"In the Dream House" by Carmen Maria Machado

"Rogues: True Stories of Grifters, Killers, Rebels, and Crooks" by Patrick Radden Keefe

"Fleabag" by Phoebe Waller-Bridge

"The Hurricane Wars" by Thea Guanzon

OTHER GOOD THINGS

*some of these things are Good as in well-written or well-made, but maybe not Good in topic.

"Eurydice" by Adrienne Su

"What Happens to a School Shooter's Sister?" by Jennifer Gonnerman for The New Yorker. A high school student murders his parents and several students at his school, and his sister is left to pick up the pieces. really powerful story on unconditional love.

"A Friend Died, Her Novel Unfinished. Could I Realize Her Vision?" by Leslie Jamison for The New Yorker. the grief of losing not only a dear friend but her art as well.

"Fuck you, I don't know?"

Werner Herzog pronounces Eeyore.

George Washington's Dream for America, an SNL sketch.

Judi Dench performs Shakespeare.

"Walking Brittany Home" by Devin Faraci for Washington Post. a really beautiful piece on death and love.

This thread on the struggle of trying to be fashionable in Ireland.

"The Return of the Marriage Plot: Why everyone is so eager for men and women to get hitched" by Rebecca Traister for The Cut.

"We Were Never Supposed to See Our Own Faces This Much" by Lola Christina Alao for Dazed Digital. on social media and personal reflection.

sunwoof

this story about Jimmy Buffett I loved

"She Wasn't Able to Get an Abortion. Now She's A Mom. Soon She'll Start Seventh Grade" by Charlotte Alter for Time. the cruelty is the point.

had a pilot named Ken yesterday and he introduced himself by saying his job is plane

"Cillian Murphy might be the star of a massive movie atm but to me he will always be the guy that showed up in the rain to our abortion rights marches"

"The 'Troubling Reverberations' at the End of OPPENHEIMER, Explained" by Bilge Ebiri for Vulture. it's an absolutely devastating ending, but the fact remains: there was no other way to end it.

this obituary for the great Sinéad O'Connor.

Kiké Hernandez returned to the Dodgers!

this behind the scenes video from the filming of MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE: DEAD RECKONING - PART ONE where Tom Cruise's co-stars watch him drive a motorcycle off a cliff.

"How Christopher Nolan Learned to Stop Worrying and Love AI" by Maria Streshinsky for Wired. good interview with Nolan, one of my favorite filmmakers / artists. (anyone who's ever read anything I've written is probably like yes, this is very obvious.)

"The Perils and Promises of Penis-Enlargement Surgery" by Ava Kofman for The New Yorker. an absolutely BONKERS but super important piece!

a new ending to RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK, lmao

"The Return of Ryan Gosling" by Zach Baron for GQ. really great profile writing going on here!

"LOST Illusions: The Untold Story of the Hit Show's Poisonous Culture" by Maureen Ryan for Vanity Fair. LOST is one of my favorite shows and has been super influential on my work. (again, this is probably very obvious). this piece is devastating in how it reveals the terrible racism and sexism behind the scenes of a show I have loved. important.

Henry Kissinger died this year (GOOD THINGS BABYYY) and this piece by Nick Turse, which came out in May, is a good explainer on why that's such good news: "Kissinger's Killing Fields".

"Talking With 'Swiftie Dads' at a Taylor Swift Concert" by Eileen Cartter for GQ. I thought this was very sweet.

The New York Times had an interactive feature about Connie Chung and her impact on young Chinese-American women, particularly the ones named after her. I love this video of her meeting some of them.

"Will A.I. Become the New McKinsey?" by Ted Chiang for The New Yorker. Chiang is best known as the writer of STORY OF YOUR LIFE which was adapted into ARRIVAL, so it's wise to listen to him when it comes to tech and science.

Loved this speech Mark Hamill gave about Carrie Fisher at her Hollywood Walk of Fame induction ceremony.

Accents white people can still do.

this absolutely incredible slapstick esque unintentional comedy scene.

As always, tagging anyone who’d like to do this!

@magalis @callioope @earnestfeeling @illuminahsti @fortysevenswrites @vaderkat @leaiorganas @garethsedwards @rifle-yes @buffyrat @alittlemomentum @i-am-slain @rogue-rook

#personal #about me #good things

[blind3dbylight]

Light's recommended emulators: macOS standalone

Well, I've had a Mac since around November 2023 and it's high time I wrote this.

If you're looking for my previous posts: [Windows standalone] [RetroArch]

Preamble

Full disclaimer: I am writing this running a M2 MacBook Air on macOS Sonoma 14.2.1. Your mileage may vary on other CPUs or older versions of macOS. Some of these will, if you're using Apple silicon, require Rosetta 2 if not already active.

I'll be using a significant amount of color coding throughout this little primer. Blue: Notable information Green: This is a good thing Orange: Go with caution Red: Warning!

You should generally always check if the emulator you are using supports Metal as a graphics backend. macOS doesn't support Vulkan, but some may try to use the MoltenVK translation layer, which doesn't always have Metal equivalents. Additionally, OpenGL on macOS is forever stuck at the outdated version 4.1, and may someday be removed entirely. For this list of recommendations, I will denote which ones support Metal and which use MoltenVK or OpenGL.

As before, if you need BIOS files (or just want a more comprehensive information source than a Random Guy™ on Tumblr), EmuGen is the place to go.

Most systems

OpenEmu is an excellent Mac-exclusive multi-core emulator (much like RetroArch), whose cores use code based on other open-source emulators. It can emulate everything up to the fifth generation of consoles (PlayStation, N64, Saturn), but standalones will be required for anything past that. I strongly recommend OpenEmu based on personal experience, especially if you're not a fan of RetroArch's clunky UI. * OpenEmu's graphics backend is unknown at this time.

ares is another multi-core emulator that might do you just fine. Its cores are quite good, particularly its SNES core as that was derived from bsnes (when Near was still running the ares project). Others aren't quite as good or are outshined by standalone emulators. * ares uses OpenGL on Mac.

Remember that you'll need BIOS files for the FDS, Sega CD, and Sega 32X.

Standalone emulators

Nintendo

NES: SwiftNES is a cycle accurate NES emulator built in SwiftUI. The advantage of this is that it will run natively on Apple silicon. It is a bit resource hungry (dev admitted they made some design decisions ever), but it will emulate nearly everything about the NES--although it is not at the full NES library yet in terms of compatibility. I'd just use ares or OpenEmu for the time being. * SwiftNES uses Metal.

SNES: bsnes is available on Mac. If you're using Apple silicon or the last Intel Macs made, it'll run well. Recommend the nightly builds. * bsnes uses OpenGL on Mac.

Nintendo 64: Mupen64Plus is available for Mac. As with its Windows version, it's command-line based, and any plugins written for Zilmar's spec won't work with it. Recommend using a frontend. * Mupen64Plus uses OpenGL on Mac.

GameCube & Wii: Dolphin again remains your best option here, but it's as legendary on Mac as it is literally anywhere else. It includes a stripped-down version of mGBA to emulate GameCube/GBA connectivity for those games that support it, and can connect to a real Wiimote + accessories via Bluetooth. GameCube specifically has a version of this core in OpenEmu, but I recommend you use the standalone version of Dolphin since that is more frequently updated, as I am currently aware. * Dolphin supports Metal as a backend.

Wii U: Cemu has a macOS version in its experimental releases. I haven't messed with it much, so not currently sure how well it runs on Apple silicon (will test further later). * Cemu uses MoltenVK on Mac.

Nintendo Switch: Ryujinx has a Mac version. As the Switch is not perfectly emulated yet, don't expect things to run 100% perfectly--glitches will happen. Many commercial games are fully playable though. You will have to supply any needed keys or system files yourself. * Ryujinx uses MoltenVK on Mac.

Game Boy line: Use mGBA, VBA-M, or SkyEmu. SkyEmu and mGBA can emulate real-time clock features (gen 3 Pokemon games) and Boktai's solar sensor, but not the e-Reader. VBA-M can emulate the e-Reader alone but cannot link it to other GBA games. They'll all emulate the DMG and GBC. * mGBA and VBA-M use OpenGL on Mac. * SkyEmu's status is unknown at this time.

Nintendo DS: Use either melonDS or DeSmuME. BIOS files aren't required, but are heavily recommended. melonDS can emulate DSi features DeSmuME refuses to. Creative differences, you know. * melonDS and DeSmuME use OpenGL on Mac.

Nintendo 3DS: Citra, your only option, has a Mac version. * Citra uses MoltenVK on Mac.

Sony

PlayStation: DuckStation is your best bet here. If you have ever used Dolphin before, this will feel very familiar. You shouldn't need to muck about with settings too much except in very specific cases. You'll need BIOS files. * DuckStation supports Metal as a backend.

PlayStation 2: PCSX2 is available for macOS. You'll need BIOS files, but it works about as well as it does on Windows. Recommend you use the nightly builds. * PCSX2 supports Metal as a backend.

PlayStation 3: RPCS3 has a Mac version too. You'll need official firmware libraries to run it. Since PS3 emulation is quite resource hungry, I'd recommend you run it on at least a fairly recent, decently spec'd Mac, like a MBP or a Mac mini/Studio. MBAs are fanless and might heat up a bit. * RPCS3 uses MoltenVK on Mac.

PlayStation Portable: PPSSPP is your only real option, but it's a good'un. Make sure you get the system fonts installed, or else text is gonna look weird (MHFU, anyone?) * PPSSPP can use either OpenGL or MoltenVK on Mac.

PlayStation Vita: Vita3K, your only option, has a Mac version. Note that this platform isn't perfectly emulated yet, your mileage may vary. * Vita3K uses MoltenVK on Mac.

SEGA

All systems prior to Saturn: Your only decent options for most Sega systems are either ares or OpenEmu. BIOS files are required for 32X and Sega CD emulation.

Sega Saturn: Mednafen, in my opinion, is the king of Saturn emulation. You may also see it referred to as Beetle. As with its Windows incarnation, it is command-line based, and it is very picky about what BIOS files to use. Get them from EmuGen and they will be properly named. Bear in mind that there aren't any Mednafen frontends available for macOS. Use OpenEmu or RetroArch with Mednafen as a core if that's an issue for you. Mednafen will require a CUE sheet to know where the music data for a game is. * Mednafen uses OpenGL on Mac.

Sega Dreamcast: Flycast is your only option here, but it seems to be alright. BIOS files aren't required for Dreamcast alone, but are recommended. They are required for NAOMI/AtomisWave emulation--use the MAME ROMs for those. * Flycast uses either OpenGL or MoltenVK on Mac.

Microsoft

Xbox: You can give xemu a shot. Some setup required. * xemu uses OpenGL on Mac.

Xbox 360: There's no emulators for this running natively on macOS. You'll have to use Xenia on a Windows machine.

Other systems

ares can emulate the Neo Geo AES/CD.

ares, OpenEmu, and Mednafen can emulate the Neo Geo Pocket.

ares, OpenEmu, and Mednafen can emulate the WonderSwan/Color.

ares, OpenEmu, and Clock Signal can emulate various first and second generation consoles.

Same CDi and MAME can bomb Dodongos emulate the Philips CD-i.

Phoenix and MAME can emulate the 3DO. 4DO is only available outside of Windows as a libretro core.

MAME can emulate most arcade hardware. Believed to use OpenGL.

Old/obscure PCs

Clock Signal can emulate various old OSes, such as those of the Apple I/II/III and the MSX/MSX2, among others. Uses Metal.

TRS80GP can emulate the Tandy TRS-80. Graphics backend unknown.

VirtualC64 can emulate the Commodore 64. Uses Metal.

UTM is a virtual machine app based on QEMU, made specifically for Mac. Useful for running obscure games and software since it can also run classic Mac OS. It's free if you get it from their site (Mac App Store version is paid). Uses Metal.

86Box emulates old x86 CPUs primarily to run MS-DOS. There is also the Staging or X forks of DOSBox. Uses OpenGL.

Running PC games on Apple silicon

Most games are developed with x86-64 architecture in mind or simply never get native macOS versions. Additionally, Apple completely dropped all support for 32-bit apps as of macOS Catalina.

And while this isn't usually an issue (most Mac users, myself included, don't really buy a Mac for gaming), if you want to run a Windows-only game on your M series Mac, use Whisky.

No, I'm not telling you to take shots (unless you want to)--Whisky is a modernized wrapper for Wine built in SwiftUI that makes it easy to create and manage bottles, install and run PC games with almost no issue, all with no technical knowledge required.

The GitHub page also lists any edge cases that may impact certain games. As it states, Whisky is designed purely for Apple silicon running at least macOS Sonoma. If you are running an Intel Mac, just install Windows via Boot Camp.

Platforms not currently emulated

THERE ARE NO EMULATORS FOR THE FOLLOWING PLATFORMS THAT WILL RUN COMMERCIAL GAMES/SOFTWARE. ANY YOUTUBERS CLAIMING OTHERWISE ARE SCAMS!

iOS/iPadOS (Some iPad apps can be run in macOS if you are running Apple silicon, at least macOS Big Sur, and their devs have allowed for it in the App Store)

PlayStation 4 (some are in development but can't run games in a playable state yet)

PlayStation 5

Xbox One

Xbox Series S/X

Last updated on February 27, 2024. Please reblog from source when possible to make sure you have the most recent version of this post.

#light says a thing #emulation #macOS #apple

[manonamora-if]

November Check-In

As mentioned in my previous weekly update, monthly check-ins will be posted on the 1st of every month, recap'ing what's been done and what's the plan for next month.

Recap of last month's progress

IF Events in the Next Month

Plan for the next month

Still long post ahead. If you want a mini version, head over to itch.io!

October progress

The plan for last October was to:

Play and review more IF games ✅

Finish the La Petite Mort remaster: ✅

Either continue a WIP or fix another semi-completed game ❌

maybe try to add another block to the SugarCube Guide? ❌

The first was easily completed, since I reviewed about 40 games (out of the 75 entries) from this edition of the IFComp. This was more than last year in terms of quantity and time spent (more long entries this year), so while I did not play/review all entries, I'm happy with having done all that so far. Maybe I'll revisit the rest at a later point.

The second was a bit difficult. Working on the re-writes started pretty easy, but I ended up being completely short for words half-way through (even if I could visualise the scenes). Switching to translating the completed passaged helped pick up the pace, but I did this a bit too late, looking back. This meant I rushed through the last week, just before the EctoComp deadline, to complete a working state. This also means that while the game is complete, there are kinks that still need to be ironed out. This include the missing full passages (half-written or drafted, but not translated), missing translation (especially for the last passage), and taking care of the last UI friction. Another update is coming.

Having spent so much time on the first two, and IRL just swinging its bat at me, the last two points were not touched at all. Still, it's not bad, and other things came about:

The Bare-Bones Jam managed to get two dozen entries, which is pretty decent considering it happened at the same time as the EctoComp and the voting of the IFComp.

Lots of interesting discussion happened in the @neointeractives Discord server, especially covering the IFComp (moderation can't sleep).

I somehow managed to wing an entry for the inkJam, with In the Blink of an Eye. Don't know how I managed, I certainly wasn't in the right state of mind. Also turns out it was a 4-bird-1-stone, since I translated it in French.

Had an actual AMA on the blog, that was properly scheduled!

So still quite a bit considering life... (it's really been a lot, haven't processed most of it yet)

-_-

What's happening in November?

Nanowrimo for the writers, which can be a good incentive to progress the writing of a game.

The IFComp, EctoComp, and inkJam are always looking for players/voters. If you want to play a few short-ish games, take advantage of that!

The @seedcomp-if is always looking for inspiration (text, images, code, etc...) in this current first round. If you have half-baked ideas or anything, really, come submit something!

Over @neointeractives, we just wrapped up the Bare-Bones Jam and we have a new jam in the work... the ShuffleComp! Stay tuned ;)

-_-

The PLANtm for November

Still play more IF and maybe review. With the Bare-Bones Jam and the EctoComp over, that's a good 50 games to try out. (I've started with the inkJam already)

Finish the edits of Harcourt Ch5 (and get MelS to send me his Ch6 writing)

Fix one of the semi-completed games: either the Egg parser or TRNT (and make it a proper parser)

Finish that darn SugarCube Guide: there aren't much left in the guide to cover, but there are a few things to fix.

I would also like to compile the short drabbles from @crimsonroseandwhitelily into something more substantial. Either as a side page or within the game itself.

Taking the list of TO-DO from August…

To-Do not require much of new stuff:

translate Escape Goncharov! into French. ✅

fix the bugs in EDOC + overall the French version to match

fix the bugs of TRNT + find a way to add the missing pieces (mayyyybe translate into French?)

fix the formatting of DOL-OS + translate into English ✅

update LPM with the missing content + translate into English ✅

It's really been going down, which I am super happy about! I've made quite a bit of progress on that part since I made that To-DO (considering waves at life)

The rest of the To-Do pile was:

Finish The Rye in the Dark City (and maybe translate?)

Finish P-Rix - Space Trucker (and try to translate)

Finish Exquisite Cadaver (translation unlikely, current gameplay too complex to port for French)

Add a chapter to CRWL + fix/reopen the blog

Re-working TTTT to its originally planned state (lol, not likety)

Re-working SPS Iron Hammer (samesies)

Coding TTATEH (MelS dependent - shooting for end of year)

Emptying my inboxes (they are not all answered tho)

Honestly, this pile probably won't get done this year....

#dev log #monthly check-in #manonamora #interactive fiction #darn #didn't seem much yesterday #but I've really been doing a lot

[courtofparrots]

20 Questions for Fic Authors

Thank you @resident-rats for tagging me!!

1. How many works do you have?

14!

2. What is your Ao3 word count?

85,507 (crazy bc I just started writing in November)

3. What fandoms do you write for?

I started out with Jujutsu Kaisen, have done a little One Piece and one Castlevania, and now it's alllll Resident Evil

4. What are your top 5 fics by Kudos?

So all 5 are non-resi (just gigantic fandoms I was writing for) so instead of listing those I'll say my top fic by kudos is a JJK fic called Cancelled Plans (satosugu) and then my top RE fics are:

Getting ******** Instead of going to Therapy (would you believe this was my first Serennedy fic ever.... I'm sorry)

Haunted

The Science of a Soulmate

when you hold me, it holds me together

5. Do you respond to comments?

yes absolutely I LOVE comments and I love screaming about my fics with people who comment`

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Oh god I had a pretty angsty one hidden somewhere in my GeGo week stuff

7. What is the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

uhhh the itafushi college au fic I wrote a while back, stick your tongue down my throat

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I haven't, no!

9. Do you write smut? If so, which kind?

For sure, not as much recently (although I have posted a couple of things anon........) but I have a couple of smut drafts rn. I love writing stuff where the two partners are exploring new things about themselves, but I've experimented with all kinds.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest crossover you’ve ever written?

Haven't tried that!

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Nah my works not good enough for theft

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No but one (kind of?) in the works. Like early early conceptual stage tho

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship?

Well only two ships have rotted my brain enough to do things like make a whole ass Tumblr account and start writing fanfic in the first place so I'll give that award to satosugu and serennedy

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

Honestly? If I'm not going to have the energy to finish something I scrap it early on, so I don't have any of those yet.

16. What are your writing strengths?

NO IDEA. uhhhhhhhhhhhhh maybe atmosphere? I really don't know. I'm not trying to be self-deprecating I just don't think I have anything that qualifies as a strength, really.

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

commas. and getting impatient, I could pace things slower sometimes.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I would be able to do it in Italian but I'm too self-conscious to try it for any other language

19. First fandom you wrote for?

JJK but I've since abandoned them bc season 2 was not that good and the fandom is Terrifying

20. Favourite fic you’ve written

Haunted is FOR SURE my favorite child. I doubt I'll outdo that one for a long time.

Tagging: @geddy-leesbian, @pappykins, @kerfanna, @wisecrackingeric-2, @fthechantry

#tag game

[pbpsbff]

20 Questions (for fanfic writers)

got tagged by @fieldsofview :)) (and probably someone else. i have a draft of this from november. oops.)

1. how many works do you have on ao3? 47 as of yesterday:)

2. what's your total ao3 word count? 190,927

3. what fandoms do you write for? i've bounced around a lot of fandoms since i was like, 10, but since august 2022 i've been strictly writing for mcu spider-man (technically more leaning toward irondad, but. u know). with this in mind however, i have a couple 9-1-1 wips and am about one bad day away from writing big time rush fanfiction

4. top five fics by kudos: Peter Parker's Guide to: Texting, Twitter, and Tony Stark (2,110 kudos)

Everything's Coming Up Potatoes (439 kudos)

Is That a Potato in Your Pants, or Are You Just Happy to See Me? (422 kudos)

If You Give a Guy a Potato, He's Going to Ask You on a Date (401 kudos)

be mean to me (if you need to be mean) (331 kudos)

5. do you respond to comments?

...

i try my best. i genuinely have no idea how it's gotten this bad (if i ignore your comment please don't take it personally—i forgor)

6. what is your fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? oh god i don't have anything w/ a sad ending posted LOL i'm too much of a sucker for a happy ending. (i do have mcd in my drafts tho!!!)

maybe 15. There It Is Again, That Funny Feeling? It's more of a hopeful ending, but considering the context of the story entirely, it's pretty sad.

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? every single fic in the series All's Fair in Love and Potatoes. this series is my happy place amongst all the death and despair on my account

8. do you get hate on fics? besides the hate i receive from sapoteylx? no

9. do you write smut i do! it'll never see the light of day but i do!

10. craziest crossover: i hate crossovers sorry guys. on my old ao3 tho i wrote a heathers au hamilton fic and that's probably the closest i'll ever get to one (unless we're counting r&r? since it's technically twd universe?) also this one time (i was 11. keep this in mind) i read a fic that was tagged jacob sartorius/bob duncan and i think about it daily

11. have you ever had a fic stolen? i hope not???

12. have you ever had a fic translated? NO but that would be so cool. i have some regular commenters that tend to comment in spanish and i'm always wondering if it would be easier for them if i had it translated but i only speak engish. idk fic translators are gods gift to writers i fear

13. have you ever co-written a fic before? i cowrote a hamilton chatfic in 2018. next question

14. all time favorite ship? every peter parker ship ever (excluding all the minor/adult ones). big sambucky and pepperony fan too tho

15. what's a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will? i have this wip that's like, peter agrees to go undercover for a mission because they need info from some big bad guy and peter is obviously the least recognizable of the bunch, but he gets kidnapped and all that good stuff. idk if i'll ever get around to finish it, because it's like 9 planned chapters and that is SO ambitious for me.

also my cellist!peter au? i've been trying to write it but the words haven't come to me idk

16. what are your writing strengths? ooooo i think i'm good at realistic dialogue and character dynamics—i have spent hours of my life on fandomwiki looking at different character's quotes and watching videos of their interaction with other characters because that's something so important to me.

i think i'm good at balancing angst and humor too?? idk the walking dead really shaped my writing style because u can have a silly scene and then 2 seconds later someone is dead on the floor. hope to carry that vibe through everything i do.

17. what are your writing weaknesses? i am so bad at describing settings and character actions. i can always see the scene in my mind but on paper it turns into they are at a house. peter sits down in the chair, and is sad. and it gets to a point where i just give up on trying to fix it

18. thoughts on dialogue in another language? ough if i ever write dialogue in another language i'll be consulting someone who speaks said language (which is what i actually have done!!!! i have a fic coming out soon w a spanish title and i asked aster-argent for help:)). or doing the thing people do where they just put the text in italics and write ," he said in spanish or some shit.

idk for the most part i stay away from it (ignoring the throwaway, casada harley joke i make in my parkner series) because at the end of the day i am a white girl who learned how to count to 10 in spanish because of dora and took 3 years of german.

19. first fandom you wrote in? ok so. i was 11 and on quotev, writing a chatfic about the bands twenty one pilots, panic at the disco, my chemical romance, and fall out boy. the fic is still up and it makes me nauseous to think about

i think technically i had an ldshadowlady fic out on wattpad before that but it was a blatant ripoff of another fic so. i don't count it

20. favorite fic you've written? i think this answer changes every day, and will change when i get my next group of fics out, but as of right now—

i'll put down my roots when i'm dead i'm just so proud of it idk. first time i've ever really met a deadline and probably the most passionate i'd been about getting a fic out since r&r began? i just love the whole thing.

Is Close the Closest Star? this one is definitely a tie with the several other angst oneshots i put out around the same time, but idk something about this fic is so special to me. it's like 6 months old and i know my writing's improved since then, but i'll always go back and reread

okok last one sorry ur making me pick my favorite child. Unrotting Your Insides, Unrooting Your Limbs i am such a sucker for recovery fics sorry. i've written several fics about bulimia but this is my fav because it's just. so soft.

tags

oh god i don't have enough writer friends uhhh @norahdevore. if u have not done this already. i am holding a gun to your head and making you do this (and anyone else reading this. please guys)

#ask game #fic writer ask #shoutout to the person who tagged me lke 6 months ago (pres???) #my bad #im a different person now and that old draft haunts me

[bite-sized-devil]

Hi Saadie! Congrats on 500+ Followers!

Here's my info for the matchup! ^^

Star Sign : (November) Scorpio Age : 18 Height : 5'3 Identity : Female; She/Her MBTI : INFJ-T Occupational : (tired) College Student Favorite Things : I like books (mostly fantasy), action movies, musicals, my computer (lol), any type of music, anime, flowers such as azaleas and roses, milk chocolate, birthday cards my sister makes for me and butterscotch ice cream What I do in my spare time : Read books or fics, play piano, watch gamers on YouTube and sometimes sketch random objects out of boredom What I look for in a partner : Passionate, loyalty, overall great sense of humor, kindness, funny (my humor be broken haha) and honesty! Favorite Obey Me Character(s) : Mammon, Leviathan, Satan Belphegor and Barbatos Appearance : I am a South Asian person who has olive-peach skin but not so pale looking either. I have a really small mole on the left side of my cheek. I have short black hair, light brown eyes, pretty big eyelashes and am pretty much average in height (or short- not sure how much 5'3 is classified in some countries lol). I have small dark circles under my eyes which can't be distinguished since I wear glasses which somewhat covers them up.

I hope this is enough! If you need, I can DM you a picture of my appearance! ^^

( -@amberrskiies )

🌻 500 Followers Bite Sized Event 🌻

Hello cutie! I'm sorry this took a little while, I'm trying to go in order of who sent in first. I originally wanted to give each submission all of what I promised all at the same time but uhhhh.... That would take way to long 😂 and so I'm just releasing the match ups first then I'll do the fics/script fics if I haven't already written them. Oh also nightbringer distracted me a buuuunch! So sorry!!

Mostly SFW, slightly suggestive. 💕

Match up:

Satan Avatar of Wrath

May I offer scrunky furious cat boy to you? He's very passionate, funny, loyal and honest! I think he'd be quite taken with you, you love to read and play the piano what a charming little thing you are 💕 He'd love to help you study for your exams, you'll reward him with kisses won't you?

Head canons for you two:

This mother fucker actually asked you out mid screaming match with Lucifer. Or well actually you think that's what happened? You remember "MC GOOD YOU'RE HERE I WANT TO TAKE YOU TO DINNER! THAT IS AS SOON AS IM FINISHED WITH THIS ARSEHOLE RIGHT HERE!" So now you're in your room at HOL dressed and ready but starting to think maybe you heard wrong? Your brain doesn't really function properly during screaming matches, even ones you aren't involved in. So you're sitting on your bed considering changing before anyone notices you're all dressed up. Fuck that would be so embarrassing! But you hear a knock on the door, just one simple but sharp knock. It has you up off your bed in seconds racing to the door nearly as fast as the beat your heart is setting. You open the door and find him there waiting. He gives you a warm smile and takes your small hands in his. "Your beauty flaws me MC, truly you are something to behold. I want to apologise for my rudeness earlier, I'm not sorry I asked you to dinner. Just how I went about it."

How cute is it when you read together. 🥰 Your head resting on one of his legs reading your lastest fantasy novel. The fingers of his free hand comb through your short black locks absentmindedly. His other hand holds his book against the thigh of his raised knee. It's mostly comfortable, until he gets to an intense part and the fingers in your hair are no longer combing but sharply pulling as his hand gets turned into a fist. He's quick to pull you into his arms and smother you in sweet kisses in-between sorry's when he hears you utter a quiet 'ouch'.

If you weren't a member of the anti-lucifer club you are now. Pranking just became a favourite pastime for you both. If anything Lucifer is thankful as you tend to do childish pranks now instead of murderous ones.

Can he help you study? Please, he'll be good! He won't distract you! Say you'll let him help you, he'd love to. Honestly he'll only kiss you a little bit, promise they will only be as rewards for correct answers and not because you look so cute when you're concentrating. Oh no, was that a paper cut? He'll kiss it better, he'll kiss it better at your wrist, up your arm, along your collar bone, over your pulse point, along your jaw, over your lips with his tongue down your throat. Wait where did it hurt again? You can't remember, everything feels hazy. No pain, or study, only Satan.

It is now your life's mission to find a horror movie that actually scares Satan. Unfortunately you haven't found one yet, it's not however unfortunate for Satan. He loves watching horror movies with you, loves the way you tuck yourself in close to his side almost half hidden from the screen. Thinks it's so cute the way you jump and squeal a little at jump scares. Once you actually jumped into his lap, he kept you there the entire rest of the film just holding you close. So yeah he definitely likes watching them with you.

Will absolutely loose his shit if you dress up as a kitty. He's a blushing, stuttering mess! He's so fucking into you, and then you do this? His brain isn't working, not enough blood reaching it... It's circulating elsewhere. 😳

No offence to Satan or whatever but can you do me a favour and teach him how to dress himself properly? This might shock him a little but when you wear a coat you usually use both of the sleeves 😂 also stop with the hats! Again respectfully no offence 🙏

When you're together he always has to have a hand on you. It's more of a starved for affection thing rather than possessive. He really can't seem to get enough of you. It's his hand in yours, or at the small of your back, or wrapped around you. Or if he's feeling naughty grabbing your ass.

If you wanted more NSFW content I'm sorry! I felt kinda weird writing it for an 18yo like I'm some sort of predator! I'm like 10 years older then you, it gave me some icky feelings. So I'm sorry! 😔😔

#saadie's 500 followers event 🌻 #obey me matchups #saadie's requests 🌻 #obey me! #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me fandom #om! #om! shall we date #obey me mc #om! mc #om! satan #obey me! satan #obey me satan #obey me satan x mc #satan x mc

[raymondshields]

Turnabout is fair play! What have you been working on of late? :D

All right, I survived posting however many cyworlds that was so now I get to answer an ask. :p

Right now, I'm not actually working on anything: I probably wrote 250-400k of words in the past year (likely higher, I'd have to sit down and total it all) and I realized right around mid-November that I was quickly reaching burnout: writing was getting difficult, even when I had ideas, and I just felt exhausted.

So I speedran the rest of NaNoWriMo, finished on day 23 (the year before, I kept writing and landed with 70k, which was insane, this year I just tapped out once I hit 50k), and I haven't actually written anything since.

But, that doesn't mean I'm done writing! I'm just putting it on the backburner atm. When I get back into the swing of it, I want to finish off (read: do the second half of) my NaNo from a couple months ago, Turnabout Runaways, which is mostly focused on the Ace Attorney side of Sagiverse except for where it isn't. (There's a good chunk of Aethelian stuff in there, and I do absolutely intend to write the Saint Seiya fic in there. Just... once I get there, because I have to adjust the plot of that one to account for Myncroft Walden, who was absolutely alive during it, and that'll shift the plot a bit.)

Like the other big fics I've done this past year, it's an anthology, so I've mostly been just compiling oneshots. The major theme is obviously that each fic is about running away (mostly literally). It's going to keep the anthology theme of having interludes / prologues to each fic, but it also has the fun addition of every fic being split into three 'scenes', and every fic opening with lyrics from a Sirinnkata song!

(The Sirinnkata are a fictional band in Sagiverse, as well-known as the Beatles and surrounded by the mystery of why the two frontmen vanished off the face of the planet four hundred years ago after both of them had a very public mental breakdown. I've genuinely enjoyed telling their story exclusively through their music, which is funny because I can't write music to save my life.)

This is the entirety of my notes, minus Sirinnkata lyrics, for what's left. (The crossed out part on the right are the fics that are done.) Runaways is shaping up to be a lot longer than the three previous anthologies, so it may have to be split into two volumes, but like... that's a problem for future Pale, when I get back into the swing of things.

In the meantime, I've been organizing files, so uh - if you're reading this, Wavy or someone else, the next hundred and fifty or so posts on your dash is just me being queueblocked from posting Cyworlds. Sorry. ^^; (It's either rebageling cyworlds or sorting my DGS fanart folder until I can do my Neopets dailies, and there's fourteen hundred files in that folder. I'm doing my best here. :p)

#asks #thank you!!!

[sleepyowlwrites]

38 and 39 for the writer asks

38 I answered already and basically I said that I also think it's crazy that I write best when I'm going by the seat of my pants. like, just really, really pantsing it. NO plot, JUST vibes will get me the farthest into a story than any worldbuilding, brainstorming, outlining, or character sheet-ing will.

39. What keeps you writing when you feel like giving up?

I only felt like giving up the one time. and I did. I took a break. I also went to college during that time, so personally I think that was a very good reason to take the break separate from how nothing was working out the way I wanted it to, but yeah. I didn't write original fiction - minus a couple of shorts - for six years. I took a break for a couple years and then started writing fanfiction, which was a fantastic time. I built my original tumblr following with my fanfics, and I actually just had a spam of comments on ao3 from someone finding my fics and enjoying them. in 2018 I started writing original fiction again and I've been going reasonably steady since then - with the exception of November-December since 2020 because I'm too exhausted to write anything during those months.

nothing makes me want to stop writing anymore. this is, I think, due to a few factors.

a) I feel very positively about my writing. I don't always like it. I don't always think it's good, but I always feel positively about it in the sense that I'm glad I've written, I'm glad I'm writing. I don't get discouraged by crap first draft stuff. I also don't really write crap anymore, at the level I'm at. I write decent first draft stuff. not always coherent or going anywhere, but not bad. so it's easier to feel positive about it, but even if it were bad, I still wouldn't dislike it.

b) I write for me. my target audience is me. there is no purpose to my writing higher than the fact that I would like to read it, and right under the purpose is the fact that I enjoy the act of writing enough that regardless of quality, it is always a worthwhile pastime. there are no due dates, there are no rush orders, nothing is keeping me to being a writer except that I want to be. I write for me, because I like it.

c) if I need to take a break, if I'm getting burnt out, or if I'm just generally tired, I'll just do that. I won't write. I won't write plot, anyway. I might write character stats, or ideas, or set dressing, or vibes. or nothing. I'll just think about it. again, it's all for me, I've got the time to rest before I continue.

d) if I come to a point where something I've been work on isn't currently working any longer, I'll put it aside. by now you must know I have so many projects. I flounder if I try to work on only one wip at a time, and so I have current projects, backburner projects, lost in the shuffle projects, barely formed concepts, blank books, all kinds of stuff. there's always something new or reused that I can think about. I don't feel guilty about putting something down and picking up something new. soon enough I'll be picking up that old thing again.

I haven't worked on summon story in a bit because it wasn't working. so I was ruminating about guild story and answering asks about city story and I wrote that scene for apocalypse story. and then! I figured out what was going on with summon story! it was the tone. it wasn't goofy enough. I was trying to shove a plot in where it wasn't wanted. I know how I want to write it now. so I can, whenever I've got the spoons. and the soup. the brain soup.

thanks for asking, Rainstorm!

#sleepy answers #writing asks

[bellaxgiornata]

13, 18, 20! You don’t have to answer all three at once though ❤️

Ahh thank you for the asks!! 💕 I appreciate the distraction! It's at least still got me thinking about fics! Though I might answer 18 in another post since I saw it asked by someone else! And also, these are long-winded replies. Which is why my answers are below the cut because this one got long real fast 😅 Wouldn't be me if I didn't over-explain though!

13. What are some must-read fanfics in your fandoms? Why do you admire these, and how have they impacted your works?

So there are a TON of fics that I would highly recommend from so many incredible authors in the Daredevil fandom that it would take me a bit to assemble a list right now. I honestly need to make a new Matt Murdock fic rec list and sit my ass down and catch up on reading for it. I know there's a ton of newer Matt Murdock fic authors and I'm dying to read y'all's stuff, too. Like I have a massive TBR list. Obviously anything y'all see me reblog I always highly recommend, though sadly I haven't read many fics this whole year because I kid you not, I'm almost always writing and editing in my free time. Which is how I constantly have so much to update every week.

Most of the fics I've read are over on AO3 as well, but the main Daredevil story that comes to mind when I think of one having an impact on my writing is The Red Thread by @pastafossa. I know, I know. It's like classic Daredevil literature at this point and everyone in the fandom has most likely read it or heard of it, but in all honesty, without that fic I'd never have started writing for Matt at all (and sadly I actually am SUPER behind on it because, as I've said, I haven't read much this year 😅). I remember first stumbling on it last fall and being like HOLY SHIT THAT WORD COUNT! And then being SO CONFUSED why it was written in second person as I read it, but everything was so goddamn good--the plot, the characters, the relationships--that honestly I stopped noticing the POV. It took me MONTHS later to discover that was what a Reader insert fic was (because it truly is such a beautiful blend of OC/Reader that I could only ever hope to aspire to). That was the first Reader fic I read and I didn't realize it until I stumbled further into the Matt/Reader section way later on AO3. But honestly, once I caught up on that fic, I was desperate for more Matt Murdock content and was just like, what the hell, I'll try my hand at writing a Daredevil story, too. Thus Life Worth Living came about and every Matt series I've written after that. So TRT honestly had a massive impact on me ever stepping foot into this fandom, especially with the way Pasta writes Matt (and smut, if we're being honest cause 🔥).

20. What’s your favorite work you’ve ever written?

Y'all are probably expecting me to say FFTD or ATY but it's actually Life Worth Living. Admittedly I cringe a bit at the writing in the beginning chapters compared to what I write now because I started it last November, though it has progressively matured a little more as I continued on writing it (and I stopped overusing ellipses which I am desperately trying to edit through as I re-post that fic over on tumblr). But that was the first fic I'd written where I really had come up with so much of my own plot and such a fleshed out OC. It was the first fic I really got excited about writing, and it was the first fic that really drew me back into writing fanfiction after a couple of years away from it. It's also the fic that helped me fall in love with Matt even more as I explored his character when I first started writing him, and it is the first fic where I'd ever written smut. I also spent so much time crafting so many plot twists along with so many little bread crumb clues of things that were coming down the line in that story. Like, I spent a lot of time and put a lot of love into that series--more than I had for anything else before. Though sadly when I re-entered fanfic after a few years away, I learned that OCs are not as popular as they once were, so that fic has been set aside for a bit while I've been working on all these Reader insert fics. Though someday I'd like to come back to it. I've had the next two chapters sitting as rough drafts since April now...

#Bella answers for the ask game #my replies are so long winded i'm so sorry😅 #LWL secretly always has my heart

[binaryeclipse]

Just wanted you to know that you are my favorite author in the fandom, and I adore every one of your fics. I find myself coming back to your account page whenever I'm feeling down/uninspired--your portrayal of obikin is perfect, you really get it. Thank you so much for sharing!

🥺

It really makes me so happy to hear that. I feel a little guilty/bad that I haven't updated anything or posted something new since November. It's been a rough little while for me since my mental health has been kicking my ass very hard and so has my job. Every ounce of energy goes towards just putting one foot in front of the other. So I'm so glad I can pick you up when you're down. That's the magical thing about fandom.

I want to start being creative again and give back to my community so bad as a way of making people happy and ultimately making myself happy. I just need to get back to a state where I can sit down with my laptop and actually write instead of feeling so tired and just putting on another youtube video essay or a let's play.

It really helps to hear that, nonny 💖 I'll be back eventually, I just got to keep going. I've been fixing up my enclosure today. All the depressing Christmas stuff has been put away and I've cleaned up the detritus of my depression. I've got good news about my mom's health last night so I can stop worrying so much. There is a light at the end of the tunnel and I might not be sprinting towards it but by the fucking stars I am dragging myself every inch.

Sorry that this turned into a vent. I appreciate this message a lot. It can be a really isolating feeling when you're stuck in your depression and you haven't been creative for a while and the person you were before feels so far away. I know I can get back to her if I keep trucking and it's little messages like this that remind me I can do it. I do it every winter. I'll be back and I'll be writing the boys. I'll finish one of these damn WIP. I have at least three new WIP significantly started that no one has seen (because I can't talk about my WIP, my dumb brain thinks I've written them if I have). I promise, 2023 will be fun!

#personal #asks #nonny

[stacywaters]

Written in the Pages (RM) CH1

 𝄆𝄞 Late January, 2013 𝄇

I wrap my scarf loosely around my neck and step out of the house. I stare down at the familiar path of bricks under my feet as I walk to school. The sky is the same shade of gray and despite the brisk wind, there are no leaves on the trees to be rustled.

When I get to school, I sit down at the back of the room and pull out my book to read. My classmates bicker around me but I don't look up, lest I be reminded of my own loneliness. I shut my book tightly once the bell rings, noticing someone sitting only a few desks in front of me. It was Namjoon. I had liked him since around November but learned better than to get my hopes up. He wouldn't even be friends with someone like me. It's not that he was necessarily popular, but he did have some friends. I rarely spoke, so he most likely didn't know my name.

Lessons began and I tried to keep myself from staring. It isn't like anyone would really notice though, as I am in the back corner. It's better if I don't encourage myself and just suppress these feelings like I always have.

Soon enough my classes are over and I'm walking back home. As I go, I notice two girls around my age chatting with each other. They're laughing and seem to be having such a good time, I can't help but feel envious. I haven't had a best friend like that in such a long time. I only start to feel worse listening to what they're saying.

"I know! Taehyung really is so hot... if only he'd notice me!"

"Yeah, but have you seen his friend? What was his name..."

"Namjoon?"

"Yes! He's in one of my classes, I want to get to know him"

"You should!"

"But what do I say?"

"Don't worry about it! I'm sure he likes you back anyway"

"I hope so"

I keep my head down and continue walking. Still, their words get to me. They were both so pretty...oh course he'd go for someone more like them. I'm confident in who I am. Really. It's just that Namjoon is nothing like me. He has plenty of friends and admirers, all of them do. He is going to date someone in his social circle, like them.

Once I get home I grab some banana milk from the fridge and sit down at my desk. Pulling out a pen, I work on my manuscript.

𝄆𝄞 Namjoon POV𝄇

"What's her name?"

I turned to my friend Hoseok and smiled.

"y/n"

"Wait... how long have you had a crush on her?"

"Since spring last year, around April"

"It's almost been a whole year!" Jungkook whined, "why are you only telling us this now?"

"I was nervous! I haven't even talked to her..."

I looked up at my friends who were shocked by my confession. Finally, Jimin spoke up:

"You need to make a plan soon if you ever want her to notice you. You're both graduating this year, remember?"

"I know, but what do I even say to her? She's just so... so perfect. I don't want to ruin any chance I have by saying something stupid"

"Well, you've liked her for this long. Do you know of anything she likes?" Taehyung questioned.

"Hmmm, she's really intelligent. She also really likes books, every time I see her she's reading one. Would that work? Should I try talking to her about that?"

They seemed to approve of that. After talking for a bit longer, I went home and made a plan. Tomorrow I will try talking to her before class starts.

𝄆 𝄞 𝄇

The next day I got up earlier. I walked to class and didn't get distracted talking to people. I was determined. I didn't realize until I settled down in my seat that there were still over fifteen minutes before homeroom would start.

After waiting for only a few minutes, she walked in. She took my breath away, though she was just wearing our school uniform. I started fiddling with my hands under my desk, the nerves getting to me. Slowly I stood from the desk and approached her.

"Um... hi" I mumbled.

She glanced up from her book and immediately her eyes widened. She opened her mouth to speak, but no sound came out. Did I upset her?

"I just uh.... Wanted to know what book you're reading?"

"Oh." She hesitated, "it's just... something I found in the library. It's in a series actually"

"Nice. Sounds good"

She nodded and looked back down to the pages.

"...maybe I'll check it out"

With that I returned to my seat, hoping it wasn't too obvious how flustered I was. That was my first time actually talking to her! It was so awkward though... Does she not like me? Was something I said wrong? She seemed so indifferent.

𝄆𝄞 Y/N POV𝄇

I stared down at my book but unable to focus at all. What was that? Did my crush actually just talk to me? What is happening?

I sigh to myself. He probably just likes reading too, and wanted to know what book it was. I'm sure it's nothing personal, he doesn't even know my name. Still, a part of me feels excited, like maybe I have a chance.

#bts #bts army #bts fanfic #bts fic #bts x reader #hoseok #jimin #jungkook #namjoon #seokjin #bts rm #rm #rm x you #rm x y/n #rm x reader #kim namjoon #kim namjun #joon bts

[singsweetmelodies]

will you be updating the fake dating au again? 🥺

since all three of these came through in the space of a week 🙈🙈 i think i'd better answer you all

FIRST OF ALL: gosh, it's nearly midnight in my timezone, and i am going to sob this just means so much. like. it really has been months, and you guys are still interested??! 😭 find me just... a mess on the floor. i love you. I LOVE YOU ALL

secondly: good news! yes, i am planning to update the fake dating fic again ❤️❤️ i know i have been promising chapter 6 for, well, months, but the thing is, the fake dating au is my baby. it's my first multi-chap, it's still one of my fondest ideas, i love love LOVE it. and because of that -- i cannot give you guys a poorly written chapter. nope. i won't do it. if i publish chapter 6, it needs to be excellent first.

and unfortunately, the month of november has been a bit... ugh, just, horribly hectic with work, first off, but then also just grey and dreary and altogether miserable tbqh. i haven't been able to whip my brain into shape/find inspiration to write much of ANYTHING longer than, well, a few sentences. (that is why i did - and am still doing! 😘 - the 5 sentence prompts thing.) it's working! i think it's working. my brain fog is lifting a lil, for sure. (but please do send me more 5 sentence prompts. just, you know, in case i get stuck again. also i love attention xx)

ANYWAYS. so. the first thing i want to write now is a sewis tribute fic. because - well, if you can't tell from the URL, i am quite deeply in my sewis feels at the minute.

once i've done that though... 🤔🤔🤔 you know, i do feel like the fake dating au is well due an update. how better to warm the winter than with some silly fluffy piarles wedding fake dating, right? so if my brain/writer's block cooperates/gives me peace, i would love to have chapter 6 posted before the month is out ❤️

i've quite a lot of fandom projects lined up for the end of the year (fic exchange, birthdays) so i don't think i can commit to weekly updates again anytime soon. all i can say is: i am not abandoning the fake dating au. and i mean that with all my heart 💙

#asks & answers #anon #wip: love's a game #the fake dating au #❤️❤️❤️ #ugh these asks proper make me well up every time #it just means so MUCH that you guys enjoy this silly self-indulgent fic. just. *so* much. #bless you all. hugging you so tight. kissing your foreheads #❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ #WIPs tag 📝

[copingintheghetto]

Google voice typing trial run

I haven't written anything for a while. I am trying to form good habits and be consistent in just about everything in my life because that's a big problem for me. And I don't think my therapist can help me with this as my psychiatrist NP suggested.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is this the name I have and coping in the ghetto is- I don't know what these words mean as of February 28th 2024.

I need to change the word ghetto because I do not live in the ghetto anymore. I know where that is in this medium sized city, which is the capital of the state.

It's a place that is depressing to me because it reminds me of where I was and I worry that things will go badly and I'll lose my little home that I love and be walking the streets looking for anything and everything. I worry about losing my sources of income because I'm not good enough at my job according to my coaches. Even so, I think I'm a good employee that works my ass off. My homework assignment is to ask a coach for a minute of their time and read from a piece of paper that I will have written ahead of time addressing all of the things that I need to communicate. Then we'll be on the same page and a weight will be lifted off my shoulders. I will try to do this today. I have already talked to HR and she was really nice. She said she would be a mediator between me and the coaches and the leads nothing has ever come of that. Sometimes I wonder if they are treating me differently because of what she told them. Because I'm not expected to do as much as the other people. I mean new people are doing what I don't do. I've told them that I can do things if they're written down and I can see. But they don't seem to have time to let me write things down. So the solution will be to find a lesson on their learning platform while I'm clocked in before I start working and take notes. Then go up to them and say, "hey I got this written down here and I can do it now if you want me to."

What angers me is that I have carpal tunnel syndrome now because of my hard work there and my knee is messed up now as well. I'll see you doctor next week.

Then there's the anxiety about having to pay social security back around $5,000 since I went over the SGA amount beginning in November. I thought things that were incorrect, and now I know that I should have called them and asked about working full-time before I did so. It was awful for my mental and physical health by the way. The good thing is I gave them my wage information and now I'm just waiting for a caseworker to call me back.

If I do owe all of my savings, then that is just what will happen. The next step would be to save money again. And that's all there is to that.

The other thing is my psychiatrist NP who is now telling me to taper off of pregabalin and just take gabapentin, which is what I'm taking for my nerve pain in my wrist. I told her Gabapentin does not work for anxiety- that I've tried it. She ignored me and continued with her expert thoughts. I think the pregabalin shows promise. I just haven't figured out the right dose. But I am scared of talking to her about that.

The hand surgeon told me that he doesn't put people on Gabapentin long term. That if the pain gets bad, then surgery is an option. By the way, he gave me a steroid injection and I think it's helped but I'm not sure. He said it could help for months .

Back to NP. ... then the solution- if she's not willing to respect my wishes (my bodily autonomy?)- will be to find a different psychiatrist.

Unfortunately, they're pretty much all the same though. Perhaps 1 in 30 might prove helpful. But there's no law that says you have to stay with your provider. You can always seek another one.

Besides being consistent with things and writing things down before I tap on someone's shoulder to communicate, I have to figure out how to stop this compulsive talking I do all day at home.

A lot of it is just because I'm lonely and have no one to talk to. I crave human connection. Not with just anyone, of course. My own company is better than Bad Company. I wonder what the band Bad Company were thinking when they came up with that name.

I am not making an effort in this department though, so I can change that when I'm ready.

But how do I stop the talking? It wastes hours of my day every day. I apologize to my cat for not playing with her. I feel horrible. So, in order to decrease the chances of my ending up in a scary place with scary people trying to take advantage of me and succeeding, I have got to use my powerful amazing brain to make use of my precious time when I'm not at work.

Okay this should be the end of this Google Voice typing test. I think it works rather well so I'll continue to use it. This would be the beginning of another one.

Taking action. Cognitive behavioral therapy for me and you. No, the following is not something I came up with. Do I have to mention the source? I'll throw caution to the wind. This is from stuff I bought way over 10 years ago. It was expensive for me by the way, lol.

Lesson 1.

Anxiety: Symptoms, Causes, and Common Fears.

1. Notice personality traits that encourage anxiety.

2. Begin to appreciate the positive side of your personality.

3. You can change the way you think.

4. Begin making behavior changes.

5. Begin journaling.

6. Slow down in all ways.

7. Begin an exercise routine and reduce caffeine.

8. Recovery is a gradual process.

9. Use relaxation audio session three times daily.

10. Listen to your inner dialogue. Respectful? Kind?

"Your history does not have to be your future."

To be continued.

#Venting about problems #Confronting anxiety disorders #Problem solving for mental health #I need to play with my cat! #Proactive rambling thoughts #Telling my amygdala to get in the backseat #Prefrontal cortex needs to take the wheel!