#have you considered that my entire LIFE i have been bullied and harrassed by people like you

[mdhwrites]

Now that owl house is over ive noticed an uptick of people kind of retconning the show? like pretending Boscha was the one who ruined Willows life and that Amity NEVER bullied her (they have fully just deleted her entire first appearance of spending 3 minutes harrassing Willow for fun),

or generally just ignoring writing flaws like luzs selfish behaviour, alador being made to one eighty, or smaller things like Skara being including in 'misunderstood' by Willow and rewriting them.

I dont really get it, why not just admit Amity could have been written better, or note how when put in context luz seems very selfish and this should have been better thought out or at least considered in her arc? you can point out these issues and still enjoy the show.

I mean... That's happening for the same reason why I can still write Lumity/Lumischa in a loving, sweet relationship instead of having to acknowledge that Luz gives such little of a shit about Amity as to let her go die alone without warning. Fan content doesn't need to even reflect the analytical beliefs or truths of the show. In fact, it doesn't really need to reflect the show AT ALL sometimes. But this is only true for fan CONTENT. If people are talking about analysis with the show, that gets a lot murkier. I'm not going to be an ass and be like "Oh, they're trying to change the facts!" Not at all. Here's the thing: My blogs tend to be as long as they are when it comes to analysis because of the aggregate actions of the show and characters and what that says about them. For most the words matter WAY more. And The Owl House likes to state what it wants the truth to be rather than backing it up with actions. This is why it goes SO HARD on backstory elements that aren't meant to inform us of character motivations but are supposed to imply that the person they are now is who they've always been so you just forget about they used to be. You forget that Eda was honestly not good to King for like half of S1 if not just the majority of S1. You forget that King acts, talks and others act and talk to him like he's a young adult who's just lazy as shit rather than an eight year old who was adopted by Eda. You forget that Amity was a CUNT for much of her life because look at how much she cares about her teammates or how awful her parents were! It's not good storytelling and it rarely recontextualizes motivations as much as it tries to scapegoat them. We were never going to get a character like Zuko with this writing style because part of Zuko is how much he has INTERNALIZED those trauma we see in S1 and so those never go away entirely. They are still a part of his character. There is no version of Zuko that is pure smiles and laughter like there is for Amity or Hunter. BUT it is to some extent effective, especially since a lot more focus is put on big moments rather than the small ones. I hate Reaching Out for all the small things in it. For all the moments where a small change in dialogue or action would have Luz not seem so entirely callous about Amity's safety while death looms on her mind. What do most remember from that episode? Luz spinning Amity around, Amity not being able to handle Luz's dramatic entrance into the ring and the final conversation where Luz spills out her heart and Amity proves just how amazing a girlfriend she is. Any of the small details that paint Luz poorly, they dismiss entirely because "Look how much pain Luz is in! I'm going to focus on her pain rather than how she is acting because of that pain." Without like, you know... The fact that those going through hard times are STILL responsible for their actions.

I'm not even asking for Luz to have been perfect in that episode but a lot of the time, people will say that hard times prove who you are. I don't like the fact that I can tell I still have a lot of anger in me because I can get more aggressive when I'm tired or just sad than I like to be to others. I apologize and try to keep myself in check though. If this is Luz on a bad day... Then Luz at her core doesn't give a fuck about other people. If her core was that she cared too much, her trauma response should be to focus on those she cares about the most but she doesn't give a SINGLE fuck about Amity that ENTIRE EPISODE. Even down to her saying to join the brawl. She admits it's not because she thinks it's the right choice for Amity or for the situation but that she will always choose chaos. That's not taking into account the person. But that takes ignoring the fact that the text of the episode is trying its hardest to make sure that you are on Luz's side entirely. That by the time Lumity get to the Grom tree, you're not looking for Luz to apologize for breaking her promise at the end Falls and Follies or for ANY of her actions, but instead you're wanting Amity to make Luz feel better.

Luz's choice to stay in the human realm is the same way. The text of the show, the words as stated by characters, is that this is a sacrifice. That it is a noble martyrdom of any happiness Luz could ever have but that she's doing it because she is certain that if she goes, she could only fuck things up. As such, Camila going to the Isles isn't her making Luz do the right thing and actually fix her fuck up but instead Camila being the best mom ever because even though this world scares her, she will do everything in her power to make her daughter happy and give her chances at happiness. This is why I don't blame anyone for liking the show. The show understands good concepts. It thinks that it is doing everything right. And so I have to pull in so much else about the show, all it builds up, contradicts, etc. like that in order to point out why I feel the way I do. The way people might who can't figure out the words because something in the back of your mind is going "Wait, Luz hasn't told any of them the truth and Amity is talking about the future but Luz isn't saying anything but the show says that this makes Luz a good person, not a bad one and that feels wrong for some reason but I can't figure out why." And that is a rough place for most fan analysts. Like they don't do this super often. They aren't ready to pull up an episode list and truly interrogate the thesis in their mind. It's going to be motivated as much by emotion as it is logic. And that's not even a bad thing as most of them are going to do it based on an aspect they love or hate but they're not going to let go of other beliefs they have for the show.

This is part of why I do read every comment that comes across my blogs or my asks. To listen to the other side. Someone yesterday in fact tried to defend Luz becoming a witch at the end because the theme of the show isn't reality vs. fantasy, it's purely about finding a place where you belong. And for a second I was like "You know, that is actually a compelling argument. There is something there." Then I remembered that Yesterday's Lie explicitly pointed out that Luz could have been happy in the Human Realm, that her life was good, and that maybe she needed to question what she was doing. Almost like, I don't know, the question of fantasy vs. reality, of the grand adventure you want versus the fact that life is complicated and messy wherever you go, is a major theme of the show and Luz specifically, right down to King's crown turning out to be nothing but a toy.

But I did my due diligence and did interrogate the question properly and won't say that it has zero merit. Amity finds happiness with Luz. Willow finds happiness with plant magic instead of abominations. Hunter finds happiness out of the EC. There is definitely an aspect of it to the show but it doesn't feel like a main thrust of it. Honestly, I think even if it were, it's made weaker by how much these characters have to change themselves for their happiness. Willow and Luz are the only two who survive contact with a space that will make them happier as Lilith, Eda, Amity and Hunter all effectively have their characters replaced at some point away from their core to a new narrative function that usually either turns them into a joke or something incredibly bland and generic rather than unique and personal.

Analysis is COMPLICATED. Good analysis is HARD. I mean, someone tried to refute me on Titan Luz being a deux ex machina probably in part because they like the spectacle it brought them and while I still debated that my original points stood and that their arguments actually made it clearer how it was a deux ex machina... That doesn't make it a bad thing. But to most fandom analysts, the very term means the story is beyond redemption if it uses that. Meanwhile, I'd argue the deux ex machina appears to be the best part of that episode because it allows such a joyous spectacle for the fans to enjoy, including the angst spectacle of Luz dying. ALL of this is also what led to me final statement for my tierlist: TOH is worse than the sum of its parts. In order to articulate why though, you have to be able to examine all of those parts and TOH is such an ambitious show that there are a LOT of parts with a lot of movement to them to examine. That's a lot harder than questioning if one part is worse than you'd like but keeping a firm belief that the rest is just as good as you always believed, or vice versa. I mean, when I did the Found Family blog, I literally had a moment where I went "I genuinely expected Eda and Luz to have spent time enough to justify the finale because I do believe in their relationship as mentor and student but the two spend almost no time together in the second half and WHAT THE HELL!?" I was caught off guard by finding out that a part of S1 I was firm was good and functional was a lot shakier than I'd expected. But I did my diligence in double checking and then exploring the answer I got.

And I could get into the excuses people give for the show like the shortening but... I mean, I still agree with someone on my Discord that if an analyst excuses something as due to the shortening, they better have a DAMN good reason for it. I will actually listen to an argument for Hunter's character arc being worse because of the shortening due to S2A likely still being mostly produced without that knowledge. I won't forgive that it already had signs of being bad and as bad as most arcs in the show though because even with Eclipse Lake he's being treated as a joke and only truly as an enemy by Amity for a little bit and his OWN COVEN. Eda and King treat him as a joke and so does the episode so while his arc could have been better with more time, it's hard to say it would have been good. Because an excuse actually has to correlate with what is presented. And The Collector exists so... Really, there's no way of using the shortening as an excuse. Not when I've literally made a compelling argument for why a full S3 would have at best been good because the show clearly wanted more time than was EVER reasonable without a firm guarantee from Disney and Disney hasn't given a show more than 3 seasons in a WHILE. (I would link the blog but I couldn't find it quickly)

But again: A lot of these people are just wanting to talk about a show they love and you know what: More power to them. I talk about this show so much because I want to talk about a show I used to live and my brain is rigged to overthink EVERYTHING. A decade ago and I would have been way worse at these blogs than I am now, especially since back then my point was to prove I was right and smart while nowadays it's much more about wanting to teach about writing and discuss aspects of it. And there's a lot I can teach with The Owl House but if I half ass my analysis, you're not going to learn and so I try to be a bit more thorough than maybe I even have to be. If this blog doesn't prove that in spades. Edit: Part of me wonders if part of this is a misinterpretation/abuse of Dana saying that whatever she's stated is as valid as anyone else's headcanons and that only what explicitly happened is canon for the show. Which, as always, for many, meant rip Aro/Ace Lilith and Lesbian Amity. -_- ===========

I have a public Discord for any and all who want to join!

I also have an Amazon page for all of my original works in various forms of character focused romances from cute, teenage romance to erotica series of my past. I have an Ao3 for my fanfiction projects as well if that catches your fancy instead, If you want to hang out with me, I stream from time to time and love to chat with chat.

And finally a Twitter you can follow too!

#TOH Critical #The Owl House Criticism

[sugar-and-spite]

would post this on the vent blog but actually it's important: sometimes people like music! and sometimes it's not the music you like! it's literally the least you can fucking do to not call someone a class traitor or a fucking colonist bc they like music you don't like, you fucking assholes!!!

#i'm so sorry there is one (1) ad ruining your entire goddamn tumblr experience! #have you considered that my entire LIFE i have been bullied and harrassed by people like you #who think they're better than me bc i like pop music? #if i can endure that for like literally 10+ fucking years #you can endure one shitty ad #fuck the everloving F U C K off and leave me the FUCK alone #i am so GODDAMN SICK OF THIS? #literally this has been constant for fucking years and i am so goddamn tired you're not funny!! you're just assholes!!

[fuckblizzardbearlover]

vauging post is vague*

So like i dont know why people post stuff they dont want ppl to comment on or reblog. Literally the entire point of putting stuff on the internet is for other people to interact with it. if you just want to write your thoughts a word document will work just fine.  The only thing i can think of is wanting to make sure everyone else sees YOUR opinion while you dont have to see others.

Regardless. Saying that characters dont deserve redemption (at the moment in their story) is not saying that you need someone elses permission to change.

Maybe you are thinking of forgiveness. But REDEMPTION is a cosmic idea.

“ to make up for; make amends for; offset (some fault, shortcoming, etc.): “

“ to deliver from sin and its consequences by means of a sacrifice offered for the sinner. “

redemption is the PROCESS of understanding what you did wrong, why it was wrong , feeling guilt for it and enacting the process of trying to fix it with the understanding that it might never be enough. thats why all those crycry edgy animes has the protagonist trying to save every life they can and suffering any punishment they are met out because they murdered so many people in the samurai war or whatever and even if they saved hundreds of lives it ‘wont be enough”

Its not something people can give you. If you, say, go to the family of every person related to the person you killed and ask them to judge you and they all forgive you, you are not redeemed. the very nature of redemption, regardless of ones belief is the idea of there being some sense of justice and force of good in the world and the hope that if you do enough good it wont FIX what you broke but it will MAKE UP FOR IT, because the whole point is the thing you did CANNOT BE FIXED.

and that is my point. No Jasper didnt get ‘her moment’ nor a redemption arc because 1) its “steven universe” not “Space Gem Alien Opera” and the focus isnt on her, and 2) for her to get a redemption and start the arc would require her recognizing that what she did was wrong and then make the CHOICE to make up for it. I would say periodot and Lapis are STILL trying to redeem themselves. based on the narrative, when Greg first told steven about the war, the gems (rightfully) still feel guilty about their peoples near destruction of the billions of life forms on earth (which is compounded by the fact that it wasnt untill steven forced them to socialize, that they even saw the humans as equals and worth saving, and by their own admission only did it because its what rose wanted).

Thats my point Jasper LOVED the totalitarian government, she ENJOYS hurting people. SHe KNOWS they suffer and that gives her PLEASURE. She Likes the way gem society is because it means she gets to kill things and torture other gems who are beneath her. she fully believes in imperialism. She-does not-deserve-redemption. At least not until about a full seasons character development. it took peridot multiple episodes to decide to help the good guys and that was to save herself and several more episodes before she considered herself a steward of the life on Earth.  ANd she never ENJOYED being evil.

And same goes for shadowweaver. There COULD be character development that changed her personality. but as her personality is at the moment she doesnt have a good bone in her body. she does not care about life nor people, except those that she deems belonging to her. And that was my point. she didnt have a tragic backstory. She was a Haughty bully who saw everyone else as beneath her. When the rulers of her kingdom decided the risks were to much she said she knew more than any of them and risked herself, her charge, and the whole kingdom. and when they didnt accept her monsterous mistake for the brilliance she saw it as, she went to the most evil organization she knew to trade power for the lives of those under her protection.

She does not care for anyone, she is evil and selfish. she has never even questioned if she was doing the right thing, she values no one’s opinion but her own, and she fundamentally sees manipulation as the main form of interacting with people. She-Does not-Deserve-Redemption.

At least not until she has a fundamental change in personality, an epiphany a realization that Every horrible thing that has happened to her has been her fault because she CHOSE magic and power over people.

And keep in mind that recongizing that a FICTIONAL character that is in a STORY is not at a point in their CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT to deserve to be redeemed, something the most penitent people might not achieve....Does not make one a hater or an anti or whatever. I love jaspers character and SHadowweaver is one of my favorite characters in She Ra and i Hope both finally reach that epiphany in a well crafted reasonable way (which i believe the writers are capable of doing). But they arent there yet and might never be there because of the Core aspects of their character.

Catra is a CHILD who’s bad habits and personality traits were created out of FEAR and her narrative arch has been amazing. Because its been done well, forcing her to hit rock bottom so she can see her fuck ups. but She did not choose to live in the fright zone, she didnt choose her caretaker,  But she DID choose to not abandon the horde, she did choose to value her pride over friendship. And thats what her path has led her to.

hitting rock bottom, realizing that while she had legitmate reasons to be a skamp that her losing everything was HER FAULT. She’s hit rock bottom, she’s realized her unhappyness is caused by her own hand, and now the healing can begin.

So if it took catra 5 seasons to even see the dawn of her redemption arch, i highly doubt Mrs “i’m going to sell out my children for power” will get one any time before the series is cancelled.

*and i’m VAGUE POSTING not @ ing because 1)I dont want to harrass the person who inspired this post 2) i want to put this post out there for other people to see because i think many people need to see it 3) This gives them the option to read or not read it nor does it call attention to them 4)lots of people here are really stupid and do that “I’m going to post something where millions of people can see it but dont anyone dare respond to it!” thing where you make your post private after someone gives a fairly respectful rebuttle,  and i AM calling ALL you bitches out cus its fucking dumb. stop doing that.

#she ra #Catra #she ra spoilers #shadow weaver #jasper #steven universe spoilers #steven universe future #peridot #redemption arc #narrative discussion

[bulldagger-bait]

Sometimes I really hate the fact I was born female.

I hate that fact that men don't take me seriously.

I hate that I'm seen as a harpy whenever I show slight passion about a topic.

I hate that I was raised in a school where the boys thought I was insane for being a feminist. Where boys took pictures of me after saying "women only belong in two places, the kitchen and the bedroom", and then posting them all over social media calling me the "angry man hating lesbian feminist". I hate that a boy negged me on in chemistry class, sexually harassed me, and then when I lost it at him my chemistry teacher told me to calm down, that I was overreacting. I hate that when i told him to fuck off, and got sent to the deputy principal to explain myself. Me. Not him. Not the boy who was harrassing me, or the teacher that allowed it in his classroom.

I hate that when I told my dad a boy had been sexually harassing me, he went behind my back, contacted his parents and my school administration. I hate that I was then called into my deputy principals office and told that this had all "been blown out of proportion" and that I was being unreasonable. But it wasn't unreasonable for that boy to say he couldnt wait until I was 18 to get me drunk and high so he could have sex with me. When I was an out lesbian.

I hate that one of my friends was raped by a boy in our school. I hate that when she told the school they didn't believe her. I hate that they made her continue to share classes with him. I hate that she was threatened with suspension for spreading lies about "such a serious topic" and that he was able to keep harassing her on school grounds, unchecked.

I hate that one of my friends thought it was okay to threaten to rape me in front of my entire social group as a joke. And then I was seen as a hysterical bitch for telling my most trusted teacher. She actually did something about the situation. I was then ostracised from that group of friends. I "couldnt take a joke" apparently.

I hate that when I was nine years old I was riding my bike around my neighbourhood, and a boy five years my senior cornered me in an alleyway and tried to rape me not twenty meters away from my front door.

I hate that when I was younger a boy would hit me, scratch me, pull my hair, twist my arm, dig his grubby little fingers into my pressure points, making me cry out with pain, only to be told it was because he liked me. I hate that I believed it. I hate that I let it continue for two years. For two years my "best friend" covered me in bruises, and I let him because it made me feel pretty and wanted. I was ten.

I hate that when I was fourteen and desperate to convince myself I wasn't gay, a boy who i thought was my friend tried to pressure me into dating him only to then tell me about his porn addiction—his words, not mine—and call me an insensitive cunt for getting as far away from him as possible. After he told me about the things he'd like to do to me. Not with me. To me. As fourteen year olds. As children.

I hate that I was forced into pink and shaved legs and make up and long hair.

I hate that my mother made me cut up boxer shorts I had bought because I was sick and tired of wearing panties. Because some guy had made some comment about my grammy-panties. Never mind the fact that they were comfortable. I bought boxers because they were closer to shorts and I thought boys would just leave me alone. I bought boxers because they were cool and had superheroes on them and were comfortable. I bought boxers because I was sick and tired of the neon pink panties my mother had been making me wear for my entire life.

I hate that I wore pigtails to school and a boy called them "ride-me handle-bars".

I hate that when I cut my hair off the first thing people assumed I was, was a man. As if its that easy to take my womanhood away from me. As if all that makes a woman is long hair. I hate that I was called "skank who was trying to hard" when I had long hair, an "art hoe" when I had short hair, and a "dyke", "failed woman", "wannabe man" when it was cropped.

I hate that at 8 years old I was being bullied for being ugly. Because I had unkempt eyebrows. Unshaven legs. Tangled hair. Sweaty skin. Scraped knees. A crooked smile. Because I wasn't a child model. Because I wasn't some pedophiles wet dream.

I hate that I'm considered incompetent for certain jobs because of my menstrual cycle. Because women are too over emotional when they're "pms-ing" or "on the rag"

I hate that a man's go to insult for me is "cunt". Something that dehumanises me to my genitals. How silly of me to think I was anything more than just a hole for someone to fuck.

I hate that someone took advantage of my sexuality. Because I was repressed. Because I was a woman who grew up in a christian environment. Because I was a lesbian who was still convinced I could be straight. Because there was a pretty woman who knew she could manipulate me. I hate how there are people who still think its my fault, or that lesbian sex isnt even real so how could I be raped? Or that women can't rape. I hate that I had been convinced that what happened to me was normal. Because women are frigid bitches that don't want sex, but their partners do, and its "inhumane" to not put out.

I hate that I am paid less. And that people don't believe women arent paid less. Despite the fact that their is mountains of evidence to support our argument.

I hate that I had to do twice the work to get half the recognition in school.

I hate that a boy with no experience and no drive was seen as a more suitable leader than I was. Because I was a "controlling bitch". I hate that I did an incredible amount of work on the student council and he got to take the credit for it. I hate that he was a worse student but was seen as more acedemically gifted than I was.

I hate the double standards.

I hate how every part of my body is sexualised. I hate how my disability is sexualised.

I hate how when I mentioned my chronic pain condition to my male classmates, they made comments about how I would make a fantastic masochist. I hate that I internalised it. I hate that I believed them. I hate that when I got into a sexual relationship I let her hurt me—even though i didn't like it—because I throught kinky sex was the bare minimum and "vanilla" was for frigid prudes.

I hate that my body is not mine, but rather belongs to the public. For the government to legislate. For strangers to ogle at. For my father to control. And when I speak up I'm an unreasonable bitch. When I demand agency, I'm insane.

I hate how the odds were stacked against me since birth all because of that second x chromosome. All because some doctor said "its a girl" and immediately half of my opportunities were removed because they "weren't for girls".

I hate that in order to keep a job I am supposed to adhere to femininity. That not wearing make up is seen as lazy and unhygienic. That I need to "fix my eyebrows". That I need to shave my "gross gorilla legs".

I hate all this bullshit bagage that comes with being female. I hate it. I hate it so much. I hate that I am my own voyeur. I hate that even in my most private moments I am focused on how an unseen gaze would percieve me.

I hate that the slightest devience from "purity" will be met with threats of violence. That if someone doesnt agree with my politics I can be told to "choke on a dick" and to "kill myself" and whoever said that is safe in the knowledge that their community supports their words and actions. That if I step a toe out of line or make a mistake I deserve the full force of misogyny that people have been waiting to dole out to an appropriate victim.

I hate that my own father sexualised me. I hate that he abused me. I hate that he got away with it all because "teen girls make up that kind of stuff for attention". Because he was an "upstanding man". I hate that believes he is guiltless. I hate that he has manipulated and gaslighted me into believing his version of events. I hate that when I speak up I need to be careful because "he's a good man" and "he doesnt seem like the kind to do that" and that "you're blowing things out of proportion, I'm sure it was never like that."

I hate that when women accuse men of violence its "he said, she said". But when men accuse women of the same they are instantly believed. I hate that my voice holds less weight than a man's.

I hate that the religion I was raised in told me not to speak in church. Not to ask questions. To submit to men. To cover my head before god. That braided hair was sinful and vain.

I hate that I was taught there was no such thing as a female orgasm in order to discourage me from having sex. That I was told sex would be painful. And yet I was also told that when I married a man I should freely give him sex because it was my duty to serve him and bear children.

I hate that I'm seen as a baby factory.

I hate that I'm seen as a collection of body parts. A uterus. A pair of tits. A vagina.

I'm not those things. I am made up of those things, but they do not define my worth. I am made of carbon, but you wouldn't call me "an arrangement of carbon atoms" or "a carbon storage system" or "a carbon factory"

I hate that when I talk about my experience with womanhood I need to twist myself into knots to not step on any toes or offend. I hate that I have to be palatable when I am upset and enraged.

I hate that my anger is demonised and sexualised.

I hate that my love is fetished by heterosexual men. I hate that they see lesbianism as this empty thing to get off to.

I hate that I don't feel safe holding my girlfriend's hand in public. I love her more than anything in the world and my skin burns when I don't get to touch her. I hate that sometimes I get scared and call her my "friend". Not girlfriend. I hate that in public I feel ashamed to love her.

I hate it that my homosexuality is debated. I hate that it is seen as disgusting.

I hate that I have been taught and socialised that every single part of who I am is fundamentally flawed in some way.

And yet, despite all this, there are days where I am grateful for who I am. There are days when this body is not my enemy. There are days when I love my womanhood, however that may appear. There are days when I am unbothered by the thoughts of others. There are days where I am unafraid to love who I love and to love proudly.

There are days where the pain and anger of the past drive me to be happy.

I know those days won't last. They never do. There's always a slur, or a misogynist, or an abuser, or a traumatic memory. There's always a right being infringed upon, or an aspect of my body made public property, and it takes me right back to the anger.

I could never stop being angry. There is too much pain in this body to forgive and forget.

But sometimes, I don't hate the fact that I was born female. Some days I'm proud.

#feminism #long rant but it ends semi positively #ok to rb #I have a lot of feelings #I stayed uo for two hours writing this thing so theres prolly mistakes polly #prolly* #but I'm too tired to care or fix them #theres mistakes in the tags #whewps #cw misogyny #misogyny cw #homophobia cw #tired of dealing with misogyny and homophobia #my heart hurts #women are treated like crap in this day and age #rape tw #tw rape #rape cw #cw rape #rape #(yes I'm putting a lot of tags about rape bc surviours don't deserve to be triggered) #female #gender sucks

[pricryo]

tw: abuse shit, manipulation shit, transphobia ment, death ment, christianity ment, probably more. hi i’m tim wright and today i remembered one of my abusers so naturally, while instilled with fiery rage, i thought i should make a post abt it here for reference as to why i have “don’t follow if you kin ticci-toby (creepypasta) or yato (noragami)” as one of my don’t follow criteria. there will probably be another post on this in the future because there’s really a lot to unravel about her abuse and how it’s affected myself and my friends. this is just one of the main and most notable incidents, roughly around the time our friendship truly started its decline.

putting this shit under a cut so it doesn’t clutter things up on anyone’s dash

her name is grace. i initially met her in the fourth grade (when i was around nine or ten), but i wasn’t really close friends with her until late middle school to early high school. she was always sort of uncomfortable to be around, but she was one of the few people who would talk to me, so i considered her a friend. when i was a freshman in high school, i had just been introduced to the otherkin and fictionkin communities by a friend (named cas) at the time, along with grace and another friend (her name was destiny). 

i kinfirmed being wolfkin first and foremost (i know, i know, how generic) after a lot of reflection and questioning on the subject, and cas, who was also wolfkin, suggested we make a wolfkin pack (a.k.a, mistake number one) under the presumption that all four of us were wolfkin. (hint: only half of us were)

grace agreed, claiming she was also wolfkin, and a pack was formed. now, this wasn’t the healthiest pack, realistically. we were young and honestly? a little dumb. we had this big ~pack mentality~ that was horrid and cringy to look back on, and i’m very ashamed of myself. we were overly protective of each other, saw cas as our boss, and overall were just... toxic in mindset, if i remember correctly. unfortunately, this made us super easy to manipulate.

it started in either january or february (i can’t remember which anymore), when grace told us that her long-time boyfriend (joe) had broken up with her during our high school’s winter formal dance. supposedly, it was during their first slow dance, to be specific. she claimed that he’d been abusive to her before, including hitting her, insulting her, etc., and destiny even backed this claim up by saying she’d seen it. (note: joe was openly known to be autistic in our school, keep this in mind.) we, of course, didn’t take this well. after confronting joe on the matter, he seemed confused and had genuinely no idea what was happening, even saying he hadn’t broken up with her at all.

we further confront him (this time on deviantArt) and he continues to say he has no idea, and he’s very confused over who we are. we... honestly treated him like trash. not because he was autistic, but because he was supposedly abusive. it was terrible. and while we’re doing this, grace is just feeding us more and more lies about the guy. she went as far as to make fake texts between himself and her, where he was saying shit like how we were demons, and that we needed to go to church and we needed jesus, calling grace fat and ugly, saying that he’d won her and she was just his trophy, and even being openly transphobic regarding leelah alcorn’s death, among other things. we would be like “give us his number/account, let us talk to him” and she’d always tell us “oh he deleted it right after” or some similar shit. that was red flag number one, but i trusted her (mistake number two) because she was my friend.

by this time, we're literally enraged. we told the dean of our school about it and everything. we were shit talking joe all over deviantArt and threatening him (which was so immature, and looking back on it, i hate how i handled that situation at 14) and everything. i deadass made what was supposed to be his in minecraft just to pour lava over it and burn it down. terrible shit. but the bottom line: we were very angry.

around this time, i start noticing that the way he types on deviantArt and the way he types in the “texts” don’t match up. it’s super suspicious. red flag number two. he types perfectly on deviantArt, but types exactly how grace types in the texts. i bring it up subtly and i’m all like “haha that’s pretty weird, why does he do that?” grace agrees that it’s weird and then starts saying that she recreated some of them because they were deleted too fast. the typing difference happened on all of them. again, that’s super suspicious, but i really trusted her as my friend.

things escalated. i can’t really remember most of it, but here’s some details i do remember:

there’s a fake instagram made (something along the lines of ‘weirdguy101′ or some similar shit) where art that cas and destiny had made was uploaded, supposedly owned by joe, who was claiming to have drawn it himself. none of my art was stolen. grace was the only person to have taken pictures of that art. red flag number three.

an “undercover” deviantArt account made by grace where she pretended to be a different person to interact with joe as if she was on our side.

a lot of skype calls on the subject - during one, grace calls joe on her home phone and cas and destiny make weird noises in an effort to freak him out - which was succesful.

we make both a deviantArt group and instagram to combat the fake instagram and make vague, threatening posts to him (which i’m very certain is deleted by this point).

the dean told us he spoke with joe, and that joe had zero idea what was happening at all.

we were going to go to the principal over the matter because we thought the dean didn’t take us seriously. i was absent that day because i was sick if i remember correctly, and cas and destiny didn’t go talk to the her because grace didn’t show up, either. red flag number four.

grace would intentionally rile us up if we weren’t having a conversation specifically about the conflict. like, this happened for weeks, and when we tried to have other, normal conversations, she’d butt in baout how much she hated joe and about how we should all burn down his house and shit. i’m fairly certain that some of the fake texts were just to draw our attention back on that topic. red flag number five.

and honestly? a hell of a lot more that i don’t really remember.

cas mentions that he thinks things are getting a little fishy after a while, and i tell him about what i’ve been thinking. we end up calling her on skype and he calls her out because he’s 100% certain that she had been playing us. she’s dead silent for most of the time and doesn’t even defend herself or say he’s wrong. he hangs up on her and i’m there listening to her crying alone (and it’s such an ugly noise, mind you) and i’m filled with disgust and anger and hurt. i’m there for two to three minutes listening before i hang up, too.

even after that, we’re all like, “we forgive you. just don’t do this shit again,” because we still saw her as a friend despite her 100% being trash to us, and we were still willing to move past that. and grace has the audacity to ask if we’ll go to the dean with her in the morning and explain the situation.  like.... she manipulates us into harassing and threatening a kid, pretends to be him and insults us + is transphobic as all hell, literally steals art from cas and destiny under the guise that it’s him, plays us like a game of chess for her own sick amusement.... and then expects us to help her explain to the dean that she was lying the entire time and nothing was wrong. ofc, we said no. things simmer down.

for like a day or two.

and then we’re in a group chat with a classmate named britney who says we need to stop bullying her friend. get this - grace has been showing off the screenshots of what we’ve said to her (which was in no way bullying, btw) and claiming we were bullying her. greaaaattt. grace didn’t bother to tell her the full story (a common theme with her) and now britney has taken it upon herself ot be a good samaritan. she yells at us, removes cas from the chat after one of his alters front, i add him back, and britney refuses to tell us who it was. (spoiler alert: we already know). i agree that we’ll stop “bullying” grace so she’ll leave us alone and the conversation is done.

so naturally we’re all like, “what the fuck dude, it was over? and we didn’t do anything to you? you were just bad to us?” and ofc this sets her off to continually tell us ”it’s in the past, i made mistakes, you should forgive me” even though all the shit she did was entirely intentional. initially i don’t want the reason why she did it, but i get progressively more frustrated and then start demanding to know why. she legitimately didn’t say anything other than “...” on the subject. considering how i was young and had a short fuse, i kinda go off on her abt it. because that’s such a fucking dick move. and she says “well idk what to say except sorry” as if she isn’t aware she can tell us why she did it.

i end up having a breakdown because i realize that i’m a total fucking monster who harrassed a kid and was manipulated into doing s and i don’t even get to know why. cas removes her from the group and we’re left to pick up the pieces.

i end up giving a handwritten note containing a formal apology to destiny and she agreed to give it to joe for me. all was well for a while with grace out of my life.

unfortunately, this was not the last incident i had with grace. i’ll post more on it some other time but like... dm me for her tumblr if you want to block her or some shit. she’s still out there and active on tumblr as far as i know.

bonus: a screenshot where i totally should’ve realized she was playing us, ft. me talking to joe

#tim.txt #dont reblog //// #that was back when i typed properly lmao #abuse tw /// #abuse ment /// #manipulation tw /// #manipulation /// #transphobia ment /// #transphobia tw /// #christianity ment /// #christianity /// #notes to talk about for next time include #her faking being otherkin and fictionkin #while she was anti-kin #and her faking she was trans #and her literally adopting everyone's identities #not to mention her dating a thirteen year old when she was nearly eighteen #and cheating on them with multiple other people #and her abusing joe #and her literally bringing my boyfriend's ptsd out of remission! :^) #gracie sweetie if you're reading this? i hope you choke #oh and a little more on this situation can be talked abt! #this is almost a tl;dr version honestly #ask if you want my venting blog that's specifically anti-grace! #it's co-owned with john!! #abuse discussion #grace is an abusive fuck #abt in tags #ig? #long post ///

[midoriyasbones]

This isnt hate but man, you're wrong. You were an anti, you took part in a nasty group that hurt people and continues to do so, and no one has to forgive you or be nice to you just because you got better. even if you didn't send the hate, you're not entitled to others nice behavior. and complaining about being judged for it when sheith shippers have had to go through so much shit, just makes you look so fake; 1/?

2/? sheith shippers have had to go through so much shit, and just because you have or Are going through doesn’t make you deserving of our consideration; It just means you’re in the same boat as us now. And so you should know how it feels; But seeing you complain and gripe about it makes you look incredibly whiney and superficial dude. You ARE ALLOWED to be sad and angry and want to enjoy your ship,           

3/? you absolutely are, and we are too. But we got our anger from the group you used to support and belong to– You’ve gotta understand that.  antis are still out there doxxing, harrassing our staff and VA’s off twitter, ruining panels, making death threats and suicide baiting, chasing off content creators, misusing “pedophile”, causing the infamous needle incident and more– and you guys are mad because theres some angry posts and cross tagging?? And you expect /sympathy?/ Really????            

4/ Please, go outside, get some fresh air, go for a walk, go offline for an hour every day. Refresh yourself. Take a breather. Refocus, and understand with more perspective the irony of it all, and why you’ve got so much angry vitriolic Sheithers out there. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and ex-antis/klancers, especially the ones who are content to “stay in their lane” are only making themselves look worse by acting entitled to forgiveness while taking out anger on sheiths for being             

5/? justifiably angry about the cyberbullying they themselves helped bring about. Especially the ones who are “staying in their lane” while doing nothing to prevent all the anti’s that are CAUSING such vitriolic sheiths in the first place– then demanding that we stop being angry because its not fun for them– wow yknow what isnt fun for us? Being called pedophiles, suicide baited, and threatened daily. But god forbid we talk about it, be angry about it, express that– then we’ve gone TOO FAR             

6/? im stopping here because this started with intent to be NICE criticism and is now descending into an angry ramble and thats not what i wanna do here- the point remains: what you said is not reasonable, relies on expectation and entitlement, and as such, comes off as entitled, fake, and all around insincere. And in your TakeBackKlance server i see you shitting on sheiths like this all the time. Its disappointing, extraordinarily hypocritical, and furthers the established mistrust between             

7 / ? shaladins and ex-anti’s. And you complain about people staying away from ex-anti’s. If they’re acting like this, of course they would. They’re perfectly within their rights to, justifiably, and you have to accept that. So yeah, you “have to atone” Its almost like you’ve gotta earn each individual persons trust, like in real life?. If you’re complaining about it, then it just shows you don’t really support Shaladins as much as you claimed you did.            

okay, thank you for some perspective on the situation, and i’m going to give you some credit. you managed to convey yourself in a civil way making very valid points and expressing emotions that are entirely valid. there is nothing here that i don’t think is out of place. your anger here is very much warranted and i appreciate you acknowledging all this, but i’m not sure you understand everything that’s going on.

first of all, i was an anti almost a year ago. i ditched the community in june of 2017 and became a full fledged pro in july of that same year. since then i’ve done my best to drop all my former bearings of that life. that’s my personal history.

1. “you’ve gotta understand that.  antis are still out there doxxing, harrassing our staff and VA’s off twitter, ruining panels, making death threats and suicide baiting, chasing off content creators, misusing “pedophile”, causing the infamous needle incident and more-”

not only do i understand this, but i’ve seen it first hand and have been fighting against it for nearly a year. i understand your anger because i am just as angry about it too. i’ve actively been fighting against that since i switched over and i’m not saying that makes me ‘worthy’ or anything, but it’s not like i’m sitting back here doing nothing.

2. and you guys are mad because theres some angry posts and cross tagging??

no, we’re mad that pro ship klancers are being constantly kicked aside and expected to just take it. we’re mad that a community that calls themselves ‘pro ship’ makes us feel unwelcome and has chased us out of what is supposed to be a place for us too. cross tagging isn’t cool no matter what. vent posts i really don’t give two shits about, you have every right to express your anger.

3. And you expect /sympathy?/ Really???? 

no, i actually don’t. you don’t have to give me the time of day, i’m just asking that you not come into our inboxes or reblog our posts with angry and irrelevant additions (so long as our posts aren’t overstepping certain boundaries of course).

4. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, and ex-antis/klancers, especially the ones who are content to “stay in their lane” …

i’m not an anti, i’m a pro shipper. i believe that everyone has the right to ship whatever they want. i think that people who harass others for their ships are immature. and in case you didn’t know i far from stay in my goddamn lane. i don’t allow antis to say shit and get away with it. i don’t support anyone who is anti ship, even those who claim not to be a part of the anti community. you’re comparing apples to oranges.

5. are only making themselves look worse by acting entitled to forgiveness 

again, not asking for forgiveness. i’m not entitled to a damn thing except a peaceful life.

6. on sheiths for being justifiably angry about the cyberbullying they themselves helped bring about.

i won’t deny, when i was an anti i should’ve recognized that what i supported was wrong and i should’ve stepped up and done something, but i didn’t. i won’t excuse my actions, i’ll stand here right now and tell you i was being immature, selfish, and stupid. there is nothing i can do or say that will make up for what i did or actually didn’t do. i can at least say i never sent anything or said anything extremely awful, but i certainly didn’t try to stop anyone and i did actively support them. that’s on me… but that’s also almost a year ago. you don’t have to even want to be around me, i’m just asking that you don’t think i’m still in support of that stuff anymore.

7. Especially the ones who are “staying in their lane” while doing nothing to prevent all the anti’s that are CAUSING such vitriolic sheiths in the first place

i’m not causing anyone to do anything. the way people act on their anger is entirely on them, not me. furthermore, i’ve already addressed that i am taking action, so this really isn’t a fair thing to say to me at all.

8. then demanding that we stop being angry because its not fun for them

point to where i’ve said you can’t be critical of klance or lance or anything. as long as what you’re doing is cross tagging i could care less. as long as what you’re doing isn’t going into people’s inboxes or bullying them out of fnadom spaces that are supposed to positive i quite honestly don’t consider it my business. be angry, get that out, it’s healthy to express that emotion, just make sure you aren’t being toxic.

9. wow yknow what isnt fun for us? Being called pedophiles, suicide baited, and threatened daily.

full offense, but i’ve been called a pedo too. i’ve been suicide baited and threatened too. in some cases it was daily. you already said we’re in the same boat, so suddenly why are you shoving me off of it? we’re in this fuck fest together anon, and again, that doesn’t mean you owe me shit, but i don’t owe you anything either.

10. But god forbid we talk about it, be angry about it, express that– then we’ve gone TOO FAR 

like i supposedly have when i express my anger about getting the same treatment from people who said they supported me? vent posts are not too far. harassment (like that lance’s ass fumes anon and the clit anon) is.

11. And in your TakeBackKlance server i see you shitting on sheiths like this all the time. Its disappointing, extraordinarily hypocritical, and furthers the established mistrust betweenshaladins and ex-anti’s

false. i’m literally never in there because i’m so busy with my real life stuff. i have said some things in my anger, but i do not think it is nearly frequent enough to label as ‘all the time’. most of the time i’m in agreement with the sheith fandom. your criticism of antis and of fanon and even canon stuff is totally valid, i’m only angry about when things stray too far and actual people are attacked. what’s disappointing is that i’m on the receiving end of your anger for something i don’t even do.

12. And you complain about people staying away from ex-anti’s

i literally don’t want you anywhere near me. i don’t want my name in your mouth. i don’t want to be yelled at for things i haven’t done and no longer support. i’m not asking you to support me. i’m not asking you to follow me. i’m not asking you for anything. i’m asking that i not be blamed for things i no longer take part of. that’s all.

13. They’re perfectly within their rights to, justifiably, and you have to accept that.

what’s justified? vent posts that are properly tagged.

what’s not justified? getting sent anon hate and seeing myself vagued just because i don’t like it when my friends are upset over how they get treated and i actually speak my mind. what would be fake is if i kept my damn mouth shut, but i don’t. you need to accept that.

14. So yeah, you “have to atone” Its almost like you’ve gotta earn each individual persons trust, like in real life?

actually?? it’s almost like i have been working my hardest to do so? and those who actually know me would say that i am balls to the fucking wall in everything i do? you don’t have to trust me, you don’t have to forgive me, but i’m not going to take everything lying down just because my past isn’t spotless. i don’t owe you a blind following. you’re not immune to my thoughts just because i was once a part of a group that hurt you. it’s been hard enough to forgive myself, i don’t need to work for someone’s forgiveness who clearly has no intention of even giving me a chance. i don’t need to atone for a damn thing and i thank you for actually bringing this up. i was working and being so hard on myself thinking i had to make it up to y’all and i actually don’t. i’ve been chaining myself up for you when i didn’t need to.

15. If you’re complaining about it, then it just shows you don’t really support Shaladins as much as you claimed you did.            

if you’re complaining about someone bringing up that they’re uncomfortable with how horrible a certain aspect of fandom life makes them feel than you clearly can’t take as much as you think you can. i was never trying to hurt or offend anyone in my post and was careful to craft it in a way that took into account how much anger has built up over the years. you have every right to hate k/l, but you have absolutely 0 rights to pretend you’re a perfectly kind person if you think that my past means i owe you anything while thinking it’s justified that my friends and i receive hate for a fucking ship from people who say they support me. 

no offense anon, i think your anger towards my past and what i once affiliated myself with is totally justified, you can even be angry at me, but you also need to accept that i am not who you are painting me to be. i am not a ‘stay in my lane’ fake person. i stand up a lot for others and i work hard to create things and places for everyone. i understand that not everyone needs to like me, and i’ve accepted that fact long ago, all i am asking, and all anyone is asking really, is that if you don’t like us, then ignore us. don’t feel the need to come into our inboxes or reply to our posts. we really don’t want to hear it. we’ve been through quite enough just from leaving the antis. you don’t have to like, you don’t have to follow me, you don’t have to be my friend, but you do have to acknowledge that i am not the person you think i am.

your anger, your hurt, and your frustration is something i resonate with. i can feel the pain through your words and i want you to know that i don’t hold this anon against you at all. you have every right to express your opinions and offer me this. i think that in some ways you’re right, maybe i am asking for too much, maybe i’m being a little much, maybe i’m not totally in the right here, but a lot of this feels misdirected. instead of being angry at antis you’re pouring it out on me. instead of taste of my own medicine you’re just pouring concrete down my throat. your emotions and your pain are valid here, but i’m not your target and taking it out on us isn’t fair. you can’t hold this above my head and think you’re justified in doing so.

again, i’m not taking away your right to vent, all i’m saying is please don’t think i am your enemy because i truly am not. i’m not an anti. my past is not my present and neither is it yours. the anger you feel is real, but it’s not entirely something you can throw at me and expect me or any pro ship k/l to just take it. we’re not the fandom stress ball or punching bag, we’re people just as you are. you have every right to be wary of me, i  don’t blame you, but again… don’t tell me this is all my fault. it’s not. it’s really really not.

thank you for giving me your perspective and your time, but at the end of the day it’s not my responsibility to make you feel okay again. that’s on you. we don’t owe each other anything. i don’t expect anything from anyone but it feels like everyone is expecting a lot from me, too much really.

#ask jules #anon... rant? #yeah #anon rant #discourse #Anonymous

[iputmyselfintothenarrative]

The price we pay (John Laurens x Reader)

Prompt requested by anon: “Hi! :) I was wondering if you could do a John Laurens x reader where she’s really good at fighting but some soldiers don’t like that a woman is fighting along side them and they’re horrible to her so Laurens stands up for her and gets super over protective. If that makes sense? lol Thank you!”

Masterlist // Requests // Askbox

A/N: Okay, so this totally escalated. I’m not sure if this was what you wanted anon, but I just couldn’t help myself. Sorry, guys! Alright, Off to write We had our chance

Also, since two of my absolute favourite people on this website, @ruth-hamilton-delrio and @yayhamletnonstop published amazing chapters on their own today, I couldn’t help but to be inspired. Thank you for your awesomeness! Also, I would like to tag @hopeandlovelastlonger because you’re the best. If you want me to stop tagging you in things, then please tell me. Hugs! <3

Warnings: A lot. Violence, blood, mentions of sexual harrassment and swearing. Slight bit of angst. Seriously, if you don’t like this kind of thing, then don’t read this. I wouldn’t want you to feel uncomfortable!

Wordcount: 4,173 (Yeah, sorry…)

After spending months on the battlefield, you could no longer understand how there could possibly be any glory to gain from this. The fighting conditions were horrible, more people died every second from fatigue and malnutrition than on the actual battlefield. There was mud, blood and bug infestations everywhere, and when it wasn’t too hot outside to even move, it was raining for days, washing away every bloodstain that told the story of the horrible actions that had been committed there. At night it was so cold that the water froze, along with some extremities that were lost to frostbite.

Yes, to say that war was a prestigious thing would be an outright lie. Men without much wealth, who was seeking a way to rise above their stations looked to the military to maybe have a shot at a better life after the war, but was more likely to be killed in the span of a week.

You had managed to survive on that particular battlefield for a month now. Why, you didn’t know. maybe it was because of the brilliance of the officer in charge of the company, Captain John Laurens, who with bravery and passion took good care of his soldiers. Or maybe it was because you, surprisingly, had been a lot better at this than you initially thought.

They had wanted to enroll your brother at first, but seeing as he could barely walk on his malformed feet, you had begged and begged your father to let you go instead. After weeks of trying to convince him, he had finally agreed. The news of a woman fighting alongside the men in the military had not been recieved with joy, and from day one you had been exposed to everything from bullying to sexual harassment. This had not made you crack, however. You were determined to show that you were just as capable as the men, if not even more capable.

Thanks to your determination to prove yourself, as well as your ability in strategic decision making, you were awarded with a group of men to lead on a small mission. The mission was to retrieve an important map from the brits, a mission that you and your group of seven people had done successfully.

You were now sitting on your bed in the camp, getting ready to go to the mass to eat dinner. For the first time in months you felt a tingle of happiness flow over you, as you were sure that the mission’s success would stop the bullying and harassment, atleast a little. You picked up the small pocket mirror that every soldier was given, and looked into it, meeting the reflection of a thin, sunken in face with bags under the eyes. The war had taken it’s toll on you, as it did on everyone involved in it. The emotional strain had almost been too much for you to handle up to this point, giving your eyes the ability to tell the kind of story that not even the worst of enemies would ever wish upon each other. But you were determined to make it through until the day you could return home with honors.

You let out a sigh as the homesickness hit you once again. You hadn’t seen your family for a really long time, and sure, there were the occasional letters but they couldn’t even compare to the feeling of your mother’s embrace. Her scent that made you feel so incredibly safe just by inhaling it.

Tears started to burn from behind your eyes, but you quickly blinked them away. Crying would be seen as a sign of weakness, and that you couldn’t afford to show. Especially as a woman.

Your thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice, as a man carefully opened the door to your tent, bending down a little to be able to look inside.

“Private Y/L/N, can I come in?”

You immediately flew up, as you recognised the voice belonging to your company leader, John Laurens.

“Captain Laurens!” you said the way you had been trained to greet your superior officers, as you saluted him. “Yes Sir, you can come in, Sir!” you said as you stepped to the side to make room for him in the tiny tent that was barely big enough to stand up straight in.

“At ease, soldier. I am not here on official business.” he said as he went inside. He had to crouch down as the ceiling of the tent wouldn’t let him stand up straight inside it.

You let your hand fall to your side as you let yourself relax a bit.

“Yes, sir.”

“John” “Sir John.” “No, just John.”

He shot you a little smile as he gestured towards your bed, seeking your consent for him to sit down on it. You nodded in agreement.

At first, he just sat there, observing the surroundings before he locked his eyes on you.

You could feel yourself tense up a bit as you waited for him to say something, and after what felt like hours of silence (It had not been hours, more like really long seconds), he finally opened his mouth.

“Well done today, Private. Thanks to you, and the bravery of your men, we might actually have a shot at winning this. I wouldn’t be surprised if there was a promotion to Corporal in there for you.” he said with warmth in his voice. He sounded excited.

Laurens had been the only one who had ever been nice to you during your entire military service so far. Never once had he mentioned your sex, nor treated you differently from the other men. In his eyes, you were just a person like everyone else. This had, of course, led you to develop a bit of an affection for him. It was nothing big, just the fact that you felt safe with him, which says a lot considering you were in the middle of a war zone.

You could feel your face heating up as the blushing wouldn’t leave you alone.

“W-wow, sir, I don’t know what to say! I am so humbled!” you stuttered out, a bit overwhelmed by the surprise. “Then don’t say anything. I will talk to the leader of the regiment and then you’ll hopefully have your promotion by the end of the month.” He leaned forward a bit, letting his fingers meet each other as he supported himself with his forearms against his legs. His gaze lingered mindlessly on something to you right, as he seemed to be engaged in thought process.

“It might take a little longer because of… You know.” You knew exactly what he meant. He was talking about the one thing that set you apart from everyone else.

“My gender.” you filled in. There was really no idea sugarcoating it.

He looked up at you, observing you for a few seconds before he finally spoke.

“Yes.”

“Hm.” you uttered and turned to look at something other than him. Your bag was a viable choice.

He bit his lip as he continued to observe you. The sympathy in his eyes was obvious, and if they could speak, then they would have told you how sad he was about the fact that gender discrimination was a thing.

He stood up and walked over to you, carefully placing a hand on your shoulder. He moved his head, desperately trying to find your gaze. You hesitantly obliged, without turning your head towards him. He only meant well, and it wasn’t his fault that the structural norms looked like they did.

“Hey, let’s celebrate! The drinks are on me tonight!” he said as he was able to lock his eyes with yours.

His kind and empathetic demeanor forced you to smile. You had never hung out with him in a civilian manner before, a fact that made you a little nervous. But at the same time, you could never turn down a night of celebrating. They were too rare, at least for you, since you clearly weren’t welcome. For a long time you had longed for something to take your mind off the war.

You turned your head towards him and nodded. Overtaken by excitement, you leaned in and gave him a hug before quickly letting him go as you realized what you had just done.

Mortified, you stared at his chest. If you had the power of sinking through the ground right now, you would have.

“I am SO SORRY, sir. That was out of line. I should not have done that.” you said as your face turned redder and redder.

At first, he just looked at you with a mixture of chock and surprise plastered on his face, but as his laughter broke the heavy silence, you started to relax a bit.

“It is okay, Private! We’re civilians at the moment, remember?” You chuckled, but wasn’t completely free from the embarrassment yet. You nodded.

“Yes, sir.” you said, carefully looking up to meet his gaze.

“It’s John, remember?” “Yes sir-I mean John.”

He gave you a smile and carefully raised his hand to lift your face with his index finger. Your heart started to beat faster as your eyes flickered between his hand right beneath your chin, and his eyes. Although neither one of you uttered a word, it was far from silent. You couldn’t describe what it was, since the noise was quiet, and a noise that no one would be able to hear except the two of you. It was just like your heart and your mind screaming indistinguishable words at you, words that you were desperately trying to identify the meaning of. But to no avail.

He quickly removed his hand, as he seemed to have realized what he had just done. He tried to brush it off by mindlessly wiping the hand against his waist as he cleared his throat.

“Well. Private. I have to go talk to the quartermaster, but I’ll meet you in the mess tent, okay?” he said as he made his way towards the door.

You followed him with your gaze, not quite knowing what had just happened. You smiled and nodded.

“Oh, and sir?” he stopped to look at you.

“Yes?”

“It’s Y/N. We’re civilians now, remember?”

He let out a little laugh and nodded in understandment. “Right. Gotcha.” he said and gave you a wink before he left the tent, leaving you with a blush on your face.

–

The walk to the mess tent had left your shoes even muddier than they had been before. You knew that you’d have to clean them vigorously before the next training exercise, since the officers wanted their soldiers to look well put together. But right now, you didn’t care about that, as you were about to have the best night since enrolling.

You had never felt so thankful in your life as you felt for John Laurens right now. Months of trauma, anxiety and bullying, along with witnessing the horrors of war had left you an empty shell of who you had been before. And as you got closer to the tent, you could feel that shell filling up again. It was not much, but atleast it was something.

You entered the tent, hoping that John would be there to greet you. But to your mild disappointment, he wasn’t. Sighing, you sat down on the bench closest to the entrance to wait for him.

You didn’t have to wait long until you saw a shadow towering over you. Excited, you looked up, expecting to see John’s face, but your smile quickly faded away as it was one of the men from your mission group from earlier. He did not look happy.

“Enjoying the food are we, princess?” he said sarcastically, crossing his big arms over his chest.

With a slight hesitation, you glanced down to look at the non existing food on the table before you. You looked back up at him again, not letting his threatening presence get to you.

“…No?” you said and raised an eyebrow.

“I’m just waiting for Captain Laurens.”

The man burst out into a loud laughter.

“You hear this, guys? The little princess is waiting for Captain Laurens! That’s so sweet!” he said as the rest of the mess seemed to join in on his laughter.

To your disgust and dismay, he sat down in front of you, leaning his chin on the top if his hands.

“You women. You all have it so easy. Sleeping your way to success.”

His words struck you with a force you weren’t expecting. You had to bite your lip not too loose your temper at him, as you clutched your hands into a fist.

“You just have to open your legs and then you get everything you want, even the promotion that I-” he slammed his fist into the table, making you jump from surprise.

“Worked my ASS OFF to get!”

Your heart started to race from a mixture of anger and fear. You could probably take him on one on one, since you had learnt how to use a person’s size against them, but if all the other men joined in, then you would be completely defenseless. You swallowed and looked around, seeing how every single one in the tent was looking your way with sinister eyes. It was clear that they didn’t want you there.

You stood up. “Okay, I am clearly not welcome here. I accept that, and I’ll leave now.” you said with a collected voice, starting to move towards the exit. The last thing you wanted to do was to start a fight.

You had barely made it to the entrance when you felt a strong force grabbing your upper arm. “Hang on Princess, I am not done with you yet!” the man said with obvious underlying anger in his voice.

The breathing coming out of your mouth was fast. You looked down at the big hand gripping your arm and then back up to him. You took a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down.

“Let me go.” you said between clenched teeth.

“Or what?” he said, the grin on his face growing exponentially. You felt the fear growing like a knot in your stomach, overtaking you more and more. You knew you had to do something, or this could end badly. The idea you had was not good you acknowledged, but it was everything you had at that moment.

“That is an ORDER, Private!” you said. The authority in your voice chocked you, as you were expecting it to sound a lot more scared than it did.

This seemed to have taken the man aback, as he for a moment stared at you with a surprised look on his face. But you knew that uttering those words had not been a good idea when the surprise in his face was quickly being replaced with rage.

“Who the fuck are YOU to give ME orders? Huh!?” he said as he pushed you into the table with big force.

Pain shot through your back as you violently hit the edge of the table, leaving you breathless. You sagged down to the floor, ending up on all four as you clutched your chest, trying to get some air.

“I will NEVER take orders from a woman, you hear me!?” The rage in his voice was almost drenched out by the cheering from the rest of the men in the tent. The excitement in their voices exposed how they were clearly cheering for the man and not you.

You managed to look up at him and saw how he lunched forward to attack you again. With your last breath and the adrenaline pumping through your veins, you quickly rolled away, making him slam into the table instead of you.

This gave you enough time to crawl out of the tent, out into the muddy road. You managed to get to your feet, but had to grip the exterior of the tent to be able to stand up. The panic started to get a hold of you, as you desperately tried to get away from him, but the scream of rage coming from inside the tent told you how close he was still.

“Get the whore!” he said, right before you felt how two men violently gripped your upper arms, holding you firmly and turned you around so that you were face to face with the big man who was now standing outside the tent, panting from pain.

Your heart was racing as you started to twist and turn in an attempt to get away from them, but to no avail. His face was dark with rage, and the hateful look he gave you scared you more than anything you had ever seen in your life.

“Do it!” he exclaimed. You didn’t have the time to think about what he meant with “it” as you suddenly felt a sharp, excruciating pain in your left side. You gasped in chock, but weren’t able to think anymore of it as you heard a loud gunshot being fired.

Everyone froze, everyone except from the men who held you as they quickly let you go. “WHAT is the meaning of this!?” The fury in John Lauren’s voice was out of this world, and the authority of it would make George Washington himself bow down to him.

He was standing with a gun in his hand, aiming towards the sky. The rage in his eyes was intimidating, his usual lively demeanor nowhere to be found.

“Captain Laurens! She-She tried to-” “Be quiet!” the men immediately shut up and looked down at the ground.

“You are ALL discharged. I want you out of here TONIGHT. You will NOT be welcomed back into the army, ever!”

“But sir-” one of the men tried to voice their complaints, but was interrupted by the gun that Laurens was now aiming right at his forehead.

“Do I have to repeat myself, Carlsson?” he said, slowly moving his finger towards the trigger.

“N-NO! No, sir! We’ll be gone immediately, sir!” the man said with genuine fear in his voice as he quickly started to remove himself from the scene, followed by the rest of the men.

The man to your left also began to walk away, but not without dropping something on the ground first.

When the men had left, John directed his attention to you.

“Y/N, are you alright?” he asked. He sounded worried. You were still in chock, but other than that and a few developing bruises on your back from slamming into the table, you were alright.

“Y-yes, I think so.” you said, managing a smile but failing horribly. Suddenly, the sharp pain in your left side reminded you of itself, prompting you to grip it.

You looked down, and saw what the man had dropped on the ground. It was dark and muddy, but you could still distinguish the shape of a knife lying there. The mud around it was darker than the rest, the knife seemingly covered in something red.

As you felt the warm liquid gushing out from the side, covering your hands with the stickiness, you realized that it was blood on the knife. Your blood. From the wound in your side.

You gasped in shock and looked up at Laurens. The expression on his face as he was looking at your hand clutching the wound revealed that he had realized it the same time as you had done.

He looked up to meet your gaze when you took a few stumbling steps towards him. The moment you started to fall, he ran over to you, catching you at the last second.

“Hey, It’s alright, I got you! I got you, don’t worry!” He tried to sound calm, but as his voice was shivering, he didn’t manage that so well.

You gasped from the pain that only grew stronger and stronger. You could feel his shoulder supporting your head, prompting a small smile on your face. “John, I-” your words was interrupted by a cough that forced itself out of your mouth.

He looked at you with a shocked face before looking up, his eyes scanning desperately for someone to help.

“Medic! I need a medic, right now!” The panic in his voice was obvious, but the volume of the scream was enough to wake everyone up.

It was clear that he cared about you, you knew that now. You smiled while everything slowly faded away as you slipped into unconsciousness.

–

The smell of the meadow was pleasant, as the sun warmed up your face. You were sitting on the green grass, your dress spread out around you. You were assembling a bouquet of flowers, starting with the daisy as the centerpiece. You looked at it and nodded as you were pleased with the outcome of it.

“Oh, honey, what a beautiful bouquet you have made!” The sound of your mother’s voice prompted you to smile as you felt the warmth in your heart spread throughout the entire body.

A single tear of happiness rolled down your chin as you leaned into her embrace, as she rocked you into sleep.

“Honey, you have to come back…” she whispered tenderly into your ear.

“I am. I’ll be there soon.” you whispered back with your eyes shut, feeling the happiness fill you up.

“No, you have to come back!” Her voice sounded harder this time. Sharper, as it trigged a painful response originating from your left side. You looked down, and witnessed in horror how your white dress was stained by a dark red spot, growing and growing as it completely overtook it.

“M-Mom!?” you could hear the panic in your voice, as you desperately cried out to her.

Your eyes flew open, as your entire body jerked you up to a sitting position.

“No, hold her down!” a male voice shouted out, followed by a pair of strong hands gripping your shoulders and forced you down onto the bed again.

“Hey, Y/N, It’s just me! Calm down!”

Your eyes flickered around in panic until they locked onto the man holding you down. His kind eyes reassuring you that you were out of immediate danger.

“John…” you whispered with a hoarse voice before you gasped in pain from the doctor doing his work on you.

“It’s alright, I got you!” he said as his hand found yours, gripping it tightly. Your eyes was locked in his the entire time as tears started to roll down your chin.

“Yes, that is right, it’s me!” he said, the relief making his shoulders drop. He began stroking your sweaty forehead with his other thumb, making you calm down a bit.

“She lost a lot of blood, but other than that she should be fine. The weapon didn’t graze any vital organs. We’re just going to have to that the wound doesn’t get infected.” the doctor said while wiping his hands with a now bloodstained cloth.

John let the air escape him as he exhaled. He placed his forehead on the edge of your bed as a small laughter of relief escaped him.

You had heard what the doctor had said, but didn’t have the energy to actually comprehend what he had said. The memory of the beautiful dream filled your empty shell with warmth, making you smile.

Your mother wasn’t there at the moment, but for now, that was okay. You knew that she was alive and well somewhere, and that was enough.

You looked down at the defeated man right beside your bed, and felt how grateful you were that he was there. Not only had he saved your life, he had also stayed with you the entire time.

“Sir?” your voice sounded weak, but at ease.

He looked up at you, squeezing your hand even harder. He broke out a smile.

“Hey, it’s John, remember?”

“John.” He nodded. “Yes?”

You looked at him with tears in your eyes, but with a smile on your face. The horrors of today would surely come back to haunt you, but right now you were calm and at ease. You gave him a genuine smile.

“Are we still on for drinks?” you asked with a whisper, only meant for him.

He burst out in a loving laughter as a tear of happiness slowly made it’s way down on his face. He leaned in and placed a long kiss on your forehead before braking it and letting his forehead lean on yours.

“Absolutely. I can’t wait.”

#John Laurens x reader #hamilton imagines #john laurens imagine #imagine #hamilton imagine #hamilsquad x reader #hamilsquad imagine #my stuff #hamwriters #John Laurens #Anthony ramos

[mikeymagee]

Moonlight and the Limitation of Masculinity

Going over Moonlight (2016) again, I’ve noticed Barry Jenkins recurring theme of showcasing Chiron’s (and Kevin’s) backs. In each act (from Lil, to Chiron, to Black) the has a long shot of the subject’s back. (Long Post under the cut)

Juan (played by Mahershala Ali) even comments on this in the fist act.  Lil comes into his house and sits down at the table with his back facing the door. Juan re-seats him at the front of the table facing the door. 

Juan states that in this new position, he can see everything. At this new vantage point, there isn’t anything hidden, or outside of Lil’s gaze. 

A recurring theme in Moonlight is the construction of masculinity, how that construct is maintained and shattered. Within the Black community, a strong sense of masculinity is considered very important. A lot of black men work hard to maintain the illusion of strength (perhaps through working out, through gaining tattoos to make themselves seem tough, to rough language, to with holding affection from people they care about).  These are all aspects that create a sense of masculine strength, but also cut off many aspects of life that only serve to enrich ourselves. When Black men give into a hardened, emotionless perspective of masculinity we give up vulnerability. We give up parts of our personalities that can enrich our interpersonal relationships with significant others, and children. Just like facing our backs towards the door limits our perception, giving into these hardened stereotypes of black masculinity limits our experiences. 

Moving into act 2 (Chiron), we see those same “behind the back” shots when Chiron enters the school court room, and when Chiron and Kevin are intimate on the beach. The film lingers behind the subjects during these shots, almost as if its afraid of intimacy. 

And in so doing, this limits the audience’s perception of Chiron (and Kevin’s facial expressions). Audiences can’t really gaze how Chiron is feeling in times of trauma because his back is turned, and Chiron can’t effectively gauge what challenges (good or bad) maybe coming for him. Take for a moment the scene where Chiron was on his way to Teresa’s house after school, Tyrell and his friend came up from behind Chiron to harrass him. 

Take the scene where Chiron is on the beach, and Kevin comes from behind him, surprising. Now whether the surprise was good (as in Kevin showing up wit ha blunt for the two to smoke) or ill (Tyrell coming to threat Chiron’s person) each of these experiences began with Chiron’s back turned to the potential development.  

When Juan told Lil about seeing everything in front of him, I’m more than certain he was speaking from experience. Juan, being a drug dealer probably knows about the dangers that happen when your back is turned. Not only that, Juan carries a gun with him in his own house. Which says to me that Juan is on guard all of the time. What kind of intimacy can a man have when he’s constantly on guard against a potential threat? 

And this falls into the overall conditioning of Black men. We’re expected to be strong all the time. We’re expected to keep our emotions inside because any show of emotion is emasculating. That kind of conditioning only furthers to cut black men off from learning about their own emotional health and well being. It conditions black men to never let their guard down, even when they want to When Black reconciles with his mother, or when he reunites with Kevin. Both of those instances Chiron struggled to express himself in a healthy way and resorted to anger or defensive silence.  

The way Chiron’s masculinity is constructed throughout the three acts is also interesting. Chiron’s masculinity (and yes, even his identity) is shaped by the three men in his life. Juan (the father figure) , Tyrell (the bully) and Kevin (the friend, and the lover). 

Juan is a man Lil looks up to. In the last act of the film, Chiron (now an adult and dubbed “Black”) models himself after his paternal figure. He’s a drug dealer. He wears a doo rag. He carries a gun while in his car. He even has diamond earrings like Juan used to wear. It’s not uncommon for children to model themselves after parental figures they looked up. It is Juan’s image of masculinity that Black emulates.

While Juan may have been the person Chiron modeled himself after, it was Tyrell who propelled Chiron towards that end. Tyrell bullied Chiron for years, ever since they were little. In the beginning second act, it is Tyrell who refers to Chiron as “Lil”, a name Chiron hadn’t gone by since he was a kid. 

And in that same scene Chiron corrects Tyrell. “My name is Chiron.” It is here that Chiron identifies himself specifically. He reaffirms his own name. He names himself. Takes hold of his identity, and masculinity.  But Tyrell only returns to taunting Chiron, and calling him “Lil’.” 

Kevin is interesting because he fulfills the place of friend and lover. He is the one gives Chiron the nickname “Black.” During the first act when they’re children, he is the one who advises Chiron to fight back against the bullies. During the beach scene, Kevin is the person who helps Chiron’s sexual awakening along. 

In the second act, Chiron’s is at war with himself. He’s fighting to escape the young, weak child he used to be (Lil’), while dealing with the conditions that would ultimately turn him into the hardened man he becomes in act 3 (Black). Chiron in this sense is in the middle of these two conflicting images of masculinity. The emotional child and the emotionless man.  

By the end of the second act, Chiron gives into the conditioning of his environment and smacks Tyrell with a chair. Afterwards he is arrested, and the film moves towards the final act. 

Now, Chiron or “Black” has fully hardened himself and cut himself off physically and emotionally from his previous life. He rebuilt himself. And in so doing limited many aspects of his character. He has turned his back on the person he used to be. Much to the shock of both his mother and Kevin.

James Baldwin was a black writer often spoke about the limits that the world places on blackness. There is only so much black people are allowed to do, or aspire to be. And this is still prevalent in modern narratives. Take Red Tails a film made by George Lucas. Lucas had a difficult time creating the film due to its “all black cast” and many Hollywood executives refused to give it funding because “Black flims don’t sell.”

It’s not that Black films don’t sell, it’s that the global imagination can’t comprehend all of the layers and nuances that exist within blackness. And unfortunately, that lack of imagination is what makes black masculinity so stagnant. Chiron, throughout all three acts, is proof of that. He was once a sensitive young man, and by the end of the film he is a grown adult who is still trying to find ways to communicate on an intimate level. This masculinity Chiron has trapped himself in has limited his perception (a fate Juan warned about in the first act.)

We need to redefine what Black Masculinity is, and what it could be. Going over the history of black masculinity in America, you can understand where part of it comes from white projection (the idea that black men are dangerous criminals who want to harm white women) and black overcompensation (black men were often reduced to sexless children as a means of placating the white imagination, so many black people work overtime to prove their “toughness”). 

I believe that we as black men can’t be so rigid in how we define ourselves. Real talk, there are people out there who believe “Moonlight” is just the “gay agenda” trying to emasculate black men. And that’s the kind of rhetoric that I see a lot in black circles (from churches, to forums, to youtube videos). And I’m still seeing black dudes pissed that Birth of a Nation isn’t on anyone’s radar, and they (partly) blame Moonlight for that. You know, rather than Nate Parker...but I digress.

Moonlight is a lot of things. It’s a story about identity. It’s a love story. But in this instance, it’s a cautionary tale.

If we keep our backs turned to alternate forms of masculinity, then we are erasing and entire layers of the black experience. Layers that only serve to enrich us as a community.   

#moonlight 2016 #oscars #moonlight movie #moonlight meta #lgbt films #black cinema #queer cinema #mahershala ali #trevante rhodes #problackness

[secret-diary-of-an-fa]

I’ve Evolved. Like a Pokemon, but Swearier.

Right. I just wrote a proper blog (a review of the excellent new film Get Out). Go read it before you read this one (if you haven’t already), because this blog entry is going to be self-indulgent naval-gazing. I feel like it’s important to address the fact that I reall haven’t been on Tumblr much lately (despite claimingI was going to start posting regularly a few weeks ago). This lapse isn’t deliberate, and I’m not abandoning y’all: it’s just the result of a number of factors coalscesing to keep me away from Tumblr.

Some of these factors are purely practical. My job involves writing and I’m also working on several books (two of which I need to finish and release by the end f next month because I foolishly set myself a deadline that was way nearer in the future than I thought it was, then told prospective reviewers and buyers about it). In short, I just don’t have a lot of creative energy left for blogging. Plus, I’m getting deeply acquainted with the world of magic and sleight of hand. The spare hours and half hours that I might once have spent writing a blog are now often spent with a pack of cards, a couple of chop-cups, some oversized coins and a wand.

However, there is another factor: energy. I’m left-leaning and generally quite liberal. I recognise and mostly care about the struggles of disenfrancised demographics. But I also refuse to give people a free pass if they do something wrong (or are just shite humans) just because they belong to one of those demographics. Tumblr seems to regard this attitude as an impossible paradox and reacts hostily to it. Plus, it’s is a controversy-generating machine anyway. I once got screamed at by over a hundred morons who mistook me for a racist because I pointed out Beyonce is an overrated, talentless hack (newflash: disliking one sub-part musician is not an endigtment on the ethnicity to which they belong). Similarly, I was once screamed at because I got mistaken for a sexist, because I suggested that maybe Fat Admirers in the Fat Acceptance community were entitled to a modicum of respect for chipping in. Not special treatment: just basic fucking respect. Oh, and because absolute cock-head Red3Blog forgot that ‘cunt’ is a gender-neutral insult here in Britain. Meanwhile, on those occassions when people correctly identified my politics as being left-leaning and liberal, I’d get screamed by genuine sexists and racists for defending the marginalised demographics who’d also been hurling abuse at me two weeks earlier.

I never minded this at the time. I still don’t. It’s just that, at the time, I actively thrived on controversy and conflict. I didn’t just pick fights with idiots because I couldn’t bite tongue: I picked fights with idiots because I enjoyed it. I loved the thought of infuriating the stupids so much that they’d take time out of their day to try-and-fail to harrass me. I loved generating hate then responding to it with epic put-downs and glittering witticisms that showed off just how much smarter than these people I really was. I delighted in using disgustingly biological ad hominen attacks just to watch my enemies whine about how I wasn’t responding their illogical, hateful ramblings logically. I particularly enjoyed the bit where I’d respond to them with a torrent of inventive invective, get them ready for a fight and then deny them their chance at catharsis by blocking them before they could reply, hammering home the message that they were only entitled to as much of my attention as I’m willing to give. I never harrassed anyone, but I laid traps for the kind dipshit who’d try to harrass me, and when they inevitably did, I’d do everything I just described and (invariably) come out on top. Those were the glory days.

Nowadays, poking arseholes with sticks doesn’t fill me with quite the same level of joie de vive. I haven’t suddenly turned into soppy pacifist flower-child. If I were to receive hate-mail or hate-reblogs over this blog, I’d extract a bit of amusement from pillorying the culprit like I used to do. But It’s not something that I’m that fussed about anymore. The main purpose of my blogs was always to make a point and make people laugh, but I also derivied motivation from the frisson of excitement that came with knowing the next thing I wrote might start a shit-storm. That frisson doesn’t entice me so much now that I’m a bit older and less full of testosterone. I’d rather create a new magic trick, or have a wank or binge-watch an entire sci-fi series on Netflix. I still enjoy blogging, but only when I have something funny or insightful to say.

Besides, I won. I got the first page of Google results for a time. I attracted comment from youtubers and redditors. I received fanmail from people telling me I’d made a positive difference to their lives and I pissed off all the people I set out to piss off. Meanwhile, the people who I consider symbolic of my two main groups of enemies have respectively wilted away and stagnated. Anonymouslayabout- the bigoted gobsite who used to bully fat folk on the web and who represented the rightwing, illiberal, secretly-self-loathing branch of the bell-end duolith- seems to have vanished. I think someone else is using her userame now (either that or its still her and she’s just taken all her objectionable bullshit down because she can’t stand the hatemail anymore. Who knows? Who cares?). The point is, she’s no longer a thing as far as I can tell. Meanwhile, Red3Blog- the lilly-livered, fake-feminist, smug toss-pot who represents the whiny, willfully-misunderstanding SJW branch of the aforementioned duolith- hasn’t changed or matured as a human at all since we crossed swords. It’s hard to tell from a blog I only glance at once every six months to a year, but he still seems to be the exact same hopeless, unloved manchild he was before... just slightly less relevant or cared-about by the rest of the internet than he used to be.

Of all that old mob, I’m the only one who’s evolved without quitting; become something more without abandoning who I was. I write on here less than I used to because my life is fuller and there’s more to me than once there was, yet I still stand by my beliefs. I still know I was right to stick up for the people I stuck up for and to savage the ones I savaged. I walked into a verbal and emotional combat zone and walked out unbowed and unscarred. The people who once hated me are either still stuck there because they’re incapable of change, or ran from it with their tails between their legs. Like I said, I win. If only by default.

Am I done with this blog? Fuck no. I don’t think I’ll ever be done. There are things still to talk about, reviews still to write, and knob jokes waiting to be made. There will probably even be times when I put on my old (entitely metaphorical) battle-armour and wade into the fray again, for old time’s sake or because something seems important. Just don’t expect me to resume my hectic, blog-every-day schedule any time soon. I got too much other shit to do. However, since I know I’ve been neglecting my avid readers, I will try to post some funny stuff and reviews over the next few days to make up for my long absences.

#secret diary of a fat admirer #retrospective