#has to be a full body slash brain overwhelm experience resulting in me sobbing on the bathroom floor

[rainandhotchocolate]

Blackout - Part 3

A/N What??? COnsistent posting???? Wild times my friends - hope you enjoy! I know it’s a lot of filler stuff, but I’m kind of enjoying writing the storyline, so I promise Sirius will be in it more next chapter :)

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Lily visited almost every day bringing baskets of sweets and books and other memories to try and see if anything was beginning to come back. The healers had been in and out just as frequently, taking tests and checking her injuries. The purple slashes across her stomach were fading but still hurt to sit up if she curved her stomach at all, the bandages needing replacement every eight hours to make sure they didn’t become infected with the curse that had hit her.

The healers had come into the room on the ninth day she was there and sat down in front of her with a look on their faces that made her immediately uncomfortable. They asked Lily if Y/N had any other family and let her stay when she said no, quite sternly.

“So, we wanted to discuss the results of the tests we’ve done over the past few days and we want to reas-,” Turpin started, but Y/N cut him off.

“Please no pleasantries, just lay it on me.” Y/N could feel her whole-body tensing. There was a sickening feeling in her stomach as the three healers and Lily sat and watched her, as if she was a case study.

“Can do,” Turpin smiled at her, “We can determine the differing spells that you were hit with, maledictione pessima, which has caused the injuries on your stomach. There is evidence of the cruciatus curse having caused muscle spasm and tendon tears along your legs. In terms of your memory function, obviously there has been some difficulty remembering more recent events but you have a grasp on who you are and your family history. From what we can tell, it is likely that you were hit with Obliviate but was hit with a reflection of the spell, and likely a weak casting of the spell from someone who didn’t have their own wand.”

“What does that mean?” Lily asked for Y/N, who was staring at the healers, mouth gaping slightly. She knew this was a possibility, of course, given the amount of confusion there had been about the last few weeks… or was it months? How many memories have disappeared?

“It means that more surface level memories, likely the most recent memories or things of less importance – songs, etc – Y/N will be unable to remember. Anything that has a stronger tie to herself, or memories that are long-lasting seem to be ok.”

“So, what can we do? It’s not a full spell so there must be a way to break it, I’ve read about memory charms being broken before so it’s not impossible-“ Lily had started, watching the healers closely for a reaction but Turpin cut her off before she could get more aggressive.

“A lot of the examples of memory spells being broken are by very dark magic, and do not take into consideration the wellbeing of the patient.” He paused, looking back at Y/N. “You would likely be irreparably injured if that were done.”

“Having said that,” He continued, giving Lily a look as she went to open her mouth again. “There are memory potions we can administer to try to pull up old emotions and memories, but this isn’t a guarantee and isn’t the most pleasant of experiences.”

“Does it cause any lasting damage?” Y/N swallowed hard and tried to moisten her very dry mouth.

“No, these potions don’t cause any damage. But I do need to repeat that they are not pleasant and can be painful or uncomfortable. I won’t make you decide now, you can have a think about it and see where you are at.”

“Yeah, ok.” Y/N nodded at him, trying to smile but it turned into a grimace.

“Bringing in old belongings is still a good idea also,” Turpin turned back to Lily who was still holding a large photography book that had images of them in school. “Did you have any questions?”

“No, I mean I probably will, but no.” Y/N wanted him to leave, wanted everyone to leave, wanted to not be here in this bright white room with white curtains and light blue sheets and people serving her food on a tray and potions in a jug every three hours.

“Ok, we’ll leave you to rest, Lily only o-“

“One more hour I know, I know.”

Turpin gave them both a smile and turned on the spot to direct the other two healers out of the room. Lily had paused momentarily before she stood up and hurried after him. Y/N could hear them talking in hushed voices in the corner of the room, but had to strain to hear each word.

“It will depend on Y/N, it’s really up to her and if she feels comfortable.”

“But he’s her partner, I mean surely that’s a strong enough memory.”

“If she can’t recall this part of their relationship it might be more distressing than calming for her.”

Y/N pretended to look back at the books Lily had given her as Lily walked back over, chewing her lip fervently.

“Everything ok?” Y/N kept her eyes down, not wanting to ask what she was talking about outright. Not that she wasn’t fully aware of what Lily had been asking. Y/N could hear him talking to her before she came in every morning, small hisses and growls of words that was too low for her to hear.

“Yes, all ok – do you feel ok? After hearing all that?”

“Yeah, I mean no. I just,” Y/N could feel herself get frustrated at the struggle her brain was having trying to remember again and had to pause to calm herself down. “I just don’t know how I can just forget something, just like that, like a hole in my life that I won’t get back.”

“Yeah,” Lily sighed, sinking back into her chair.

“So…” Y/N raised her eyebrows at Lily expectantly, “Were you going to tell me that he’s been here every day?”

Lily grimaced awkwardly.

“Sorry, I just didn’t know what you wanted, it’s so weird, you know? I mean of course you know what a stupid question you’re the one dealing with it I – “ She cut herself off with a shake of the head. “He’s wanted to see you but we didn’t know if it would just make you uncomfortable.”

Y/N nodded her head slowly, not sure how to respond. They hadn’t spoken about Sirius yet, though Y/N knew that Lily was itching to talk to her about it but was too scared to ask.

“Did you want to talk about him?” Lily crooks her head to one side, green eyes piercing into Y/N’s, making her squirm a little. She hated when she did that, it made you want to tell her everything. No wonder she wanted to be a healer. Or is a healer? Merli-

“Y/N?”

“Sorry I… yes. I think so? Fucking hell I can’t make a decision to save my life.”

Lily snorted and leaned down to pull her bag out from under the bed. She slid her hand in and took out another photo album that was a deep maroon colour and placed it on the bed. Lily looked back up at Y/N and then at the album.

“Did you want to open it?”

“I mean sure?” Y/N couldn’t help but laugh at her very serious expression, “It’s not going to stun me upon opening is it?”

“No,” Lily grinned in response, “It’s an album of the photos you and Sirius took together, he dropped it off yesterday for me to bring in to you.”

“Ah.”

Lily pulled herself closer to Y/N and opened the book to the first page. There were two large photos of a group of people standing in front of a fireplace in someone’s house. Y/N sat up slightly so she could lean in and look a little closer at the photo. She was able to make out faces of people she went to school with, Frank and Alice leaning into each other and holding hands, Marlene grinning boisterously with her hand running through her wild blonde hair, Fabian and Gideon Prewett making faces at the camera.

“There’s us,” Lily pointed at the other side of the image where Y/N could see Lily’s fiery red hair leaning into James’s, arm around Y/N on the other side of her, grinning just as wide as the rest of them. Behind her was Sirius, Peter, and Remus, in that order, Sirius placing his chin atop of Y/N’s head, a crooked smile pulling up his cheeks, his hands hovering above her shoulders as if unsure if he should lay them down or not.

It was surreal, looking down at herself and not having the faintest memory of when it was or what was happening in the image in front of her. Sirius looked so happy. She looked happy. It felt fake, like someone had forged the image and was trying to implant false memories of her life.

“That was soon after you met, well not met obviously since you knew him at school, but like met again. Properly. I think he asked you out a few days later.” Lily was smiling down at the photo, fingers tracing over some of the faces. She looked up at Y/N, face changing quickly. “Oh shit, Y/N are you ok?”

“I…” Y/N’s voice cracked and she felt a track of water slipping down her cheek and into her mouth. “I…don’t remember.”

“It’s ok, it’s ok.” Lily snapped the book shut and stood up so she could pull her into a hug. Y/N felt her breath hitch as the sobs came hard and fast in her throat and tears began to fall.

“I…don’t know…why I’m crying,” Y/N heaved, gripping tight to Lily’s back, trying to find comfort in the soft green jumper she was wearing.

“It’s overwhelming, I’m sorry maybe you weren’t ready yet.”

“I just…why can’t I remember? None of this feels real, I feel like everyone is lying to me, like it’s a whole big fucking prank and I’m going to wake up tomorrow with Gideon telling me he got me good.” Y/N sniffed, pulling away and trying to take in a deep breath.

“Gideon…?” Lily’s face remained calm, but her tone was off.

“Yes, why? Did he visit when I was asleep?” Y/N felt her heart skip a beat suddenly. At least it was still working.

“No, he, uh, no he hasn’t yet.”

“Oh.”

There was a long pause where they both sat back and looked away from one another.

“What is the last thing you remember, of us, like something we did together.” Lily asked.

Y/N bit her lip, trying to think back to the last time she saw Lily without the building dread that it might have been years earlier than the actual last time.

“I remember us getting coffee, at that muggle place near your house in Godric’s Hollow.” Y/N could see Lily, giggly and bright eyed, showing off her hand- “You’d just gotten engaged! I remember you showing off the ring that matched your eyes.”

Y/N beamed at Lily excitedly, feeling immediately dulled as Lily’s returning smile didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“You’re married, aren’t you.”

“Might be.”

“Fuck.”

“If it makes you feel better, you were there, and made a proper fool of yourself dancing.” Lily looked at her a little wistfully.

“I expect you to bring in the full album of photos tomorrow, I need a re-enactment.”

“Deal.”

“And… you can tell him to come. If you want. Just… I don’t know if seeing me will make him feel better or worse. You know?”

“Yeah, I’ll see how it goes.” Lily squeezed her hand tightly, “I’m just glad you’re going to be ok.”

Alive, and having missed my best friend’s wedding and falling in love with Sirius Black Y/N thought, a little bitterly, but kept smiling for Lily’s sake.

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