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nerdygaymormon · 4 years

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Casa Lesbiana

First is the story of a lady who dealt with many hard things. Following that is info about her daughter who was an out-and-proud lesbian in early 20th Century Utah. The gay great-aunt of Thomas Monson is part of these stories.

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Sarah Ann Briggs traveled in the Martin Handcart Company with her parents and six siblings. During the ill-fated journey, 5-year-old Sarah Ann lost her father and two siblings to hunger and freezing weather.

Less than four years after arriving in Utah, Sarah Ann’s widowed mother (who had remarried as a polygamous wife) died from a scorpion bite in 1860. The orphaned 9-year-old Sarah Ann was sent to live with one of her new stepsisters, Elizabeth Clark Handley, and her husband George Handley.

In the Spring of 1866 George Handley was ordered by a high-ranking church leader to take a second wife. As both George and his wife were opposed to polygamy, he instead requested to move with his family back to Keokuk, Iowa, a Mormon settlement along the Mormon Trail.

Soon thereafter, the Handleys were visited by Mormon vigilantes at night who burned down their barn as a warning to George to remain in Zion, as well as to obey the orders of his ecclesiastical leaders by marrying a second wife. On May 19, 1866, 42-year-old George Handley was sealed in the Salt Lake Endowment House to his first wife, Elizabeth Clark (whom he had civilly married in 1846), and then was polygamously sealed to her stepsister, the 14-year-old Sarah Ann Briggs.

Within a week after their marriage, young Sarah Ann had already conceived her first child.

47-year-old George Handley died in 1874 from a stroke. Thus, at the age of 22, Sarah Ann Briggs Handley found herself a widow with four small children to support and raise on her own

Embittered by her whole experience with Mormonism (the arduous journey to America, the grueling and tragic trek, the horrible deaths of her parents, her forced polygamous marriage, and giving birth to children when she herself was still just a child), she abandoned Mormonism and joined the Episcopal Church in Salt Lake City.

Handley family tradition says that, sometime between 1880 and 1882, Church leaders insisted that Elizabeth Clark Handley take away and raise Sarah Ann’s children so that they would remain in the Mormon faith. When Sarah Ann married Episcopal dentist Arvis S. Chapman in 1883, her young children were no longer residing with her.

Sarah Ann and Arvis Chapman had 2 children, a son who died young and a daughter named Mary Edith Chapman. Arvis died in 1919.

The 1920 census showed that 61-year-old Caroline Monson, who went by Carline, was the live-in “servant” of 69-year-old Sarah Ann. Carline is the great aunt of Thomas Monson, who became Church president. Carline never married and is believed to have been a lesbian.

Sarah Ann died in 1923.

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Edith Chapman, daughter of Sarah Ann, was an instructor at the University of Utah and inherited her parent’s home at 615 E. 900 South [now Harvey Milk Blvd.], just north of Liberty Park (the Chapman Branch of the Salt Lake Public Library system was named for her aunt Ann Chapman, who was rumored to be a lesbian).

Edith opened her home to other professional, lesbian boarders beginning in 1923. Grace Nickerson, an instructor at the LDS School of Music (in the McCune Mansion) was the first boarder in Edith’s house.

In 1924, 39-year-old Edith met and fell in love with 23-year-old Mildred “Barrie” Berryman. Mildred was a pioneering sexologist who was studying a Lesbians and Gay men in Salt Lake. Edith was one of Mildred’s subjects. While their relationship only lasted a brief time, Mildred lived with Edith for four years in the lesbian boarding house.

Carline Monson also lived in the house. Edith, busy with her education career, had Carline run the boarding house.

In 1925, Grace Nickerson moved out of the house, and 25-year-old Dorothy Graham replaced her. Dorothy was a lesbian and the manager of the Coon Chicken Inn in Salt Lake (a well-known restaurant owned by her family, which featured male drag performers).

The friends of Dorothy, Carline, Edith and Mildred nicknamed the house “Casa Lesbiana.”

Mildred moved out in 1929.

By 1931, Edith had grown tired of her limited romantic options in Salt Lake. While there were several bars in Salt Lake at the time (mostly on upper State Street) where Gay men could frequent, the Lesbian community resorted to home parties and making “pilgrimages” to San Francisco. Edith had joined some of these excursions to the Bay Area in the 1920s and fell in love with the social climate there.

Edith closed the boarding house, signed over ownership of her home to Carline Monson in 1931, and moved to Berkeley, California, where she continued teaching until her death in 1967. Her obituary referred to herself as “the loving friend of Miss Dorothy J. Wobbs.”

#sarah ann briggs chapman #edith chapman #carline monson #mildred berryman #casa lesbiana

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disbandandisperse · 4 years

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a genuinely weird and true thing that a lot of mormons (in the us) do is pioneer trek reenactments. the stake i grew up in did it like every four years or so, so all the kids ages 14-18 end up doing it once.

like the mormon obsession and fixation on the mormon trail and their own victimization and historical wounds is so strong that parents obligate their children to dress up like pioneers with bonnets and shit and spend four days pulling handcarts for miles and miles in fake families, making their own food, and camping

these are handcards btw. they were heavy as hell bc we had to pull our own water coolers and food along

#killed #they also like gave every family cabbage patch baby dolls and then on the second or third day a certain percentage of our babies #and we hsd to put them in coffins and ahit bshxcjdkxkxk #its too much!!!!!

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stuff-of-pi · 4 years

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50, 57

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

Yes! I’ve used real and homemade PVC pipe bows and arrows. I have a scar on my neck from one time when I was six and my brother shot me with a dull wooden arrow. It stuck in my skin a little bit before falling out. Gotta love older brothers.

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

I already said yes but I’ll expound upon my answer and I might sound a little crazy but bear with me. I’ve never seen a ghost or anything like that but I like to think that my grandmother (who passed away a month after I was born) has helped me out/had her influence in a supernatural way. There was this one time though where I was on a trek reenacting the pioneer movement on the plains in Wyoming and I got a really bad migraine and it felt like there were spirits around me, helping me walk and get through the pain. The pain was so bad I had to get put in the handcart we were pulling and my trek family said that it felt lighter with me in it. I firmly believe there were some kind of spirits helping me and my trek family.

#jo #stjernfaerie #ask pi #i know it sounds crazy but there's a fun story

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oupacademic · 5 years

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A Very Short Fact: On this day 1847, Brigham Young leads 148 Mormon pioneers into Salt Lake Valley.

“In July 1847, after a 1,300-mile journey, Brigham Young led the first party of Mormons into the Salt Lake Valley, where he established headquarters for the migrants who were to follow…To this day, Mormons celebrate the 24th of July, the day Brigham Young arrived in the valley, as a Mormon festival on a par with the 4th of July. The pioneer period stands alongside the restoration of the gospel by Joseph Smith as a key episode in the heroic era of Latter-day Saint history. The oft-repeated stories of the westward trek inspire modern Mormons to develop pioneer virtues themselves. To dramatize the early Mormons' heroics, young Mormons go on “treks” during which they live a few days under pioneer conditions, sometimes pulling handcarts across difficult terrain in imitation of their forefathers' hardships. Children sing a song about the handcart pioneers having to “walk and walk and walk and walk.” Pioneer suffering and courage are reminders of the obligation to carry on the faith under the hardships and trials of modern times. Converts across the world are absorbed into the pioneer epic. They are depicted as modern pioneers whose difficult journey was to join the church and establish Zion in their own countries. The pioneer story is meant to imbue the coming generations with a resolve not to betray their heritage.” — From ‘Mormonism: A Very Short Introduction’ by Richard Lyman Bushman.

Pg 85-86- ‘Mormonism: A Very Short Introduction’ by Richard Lyman Bushman

Image via Wikimedia Commons

#Brigham Young #The Book Of Mormon #Mormonism #Mormonism VSI #Salt Lake City #Latter-Day Saint #Salt Lake Valley #Pioneers #Mormon Festival

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vvpamedia · 2 years

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Sometimes the Best Thing IS the Food

I recently read a post about my granddaughter’s experience during a re-enactment of the Handcart Pioneer’s journey to the west. When her uncle asked her how it was, she said, “The food was good.” My takeaway from reading the story about their experience is that a lot of the young people, like her, liked the food the best. It was miserably cold and windy. So cold that some of those young teenagers called their parents and asked them to take them home. I told my granddaughter that she should be glad that the food was good. “If you had chili con carne,” I told her, “I am guessing that it was only for one night, which is a good thing. And I'll tell you why. I have never been on a trek like yours, but I have shared, vicariously, similar re-enactment scenarios.

“During the summer of 2001, I think, for the sesquicentennial celebration of the arrival of the pioneers in the San Bernardino Valley, a group of hearty re-enactors left Payson, Utah traveling by wagon and horseback in order to follow the route the original pioneers took to San Bernardino. In my opinion, it was a daunting undertaking especially since these people had to take time off from their jobs to participate. Just like [my granddaughter], they also had to pay for the experience. It wasn't free. They had to cook most of their meals on the way but at least they didn't have to cook their evening meal every night. The promoters asked members of Wards [congregations] of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints along the way to provide an evening meal for them. And our ward was asked to do that when they camped at the junction of Interstate 15 and Highway 138 in Cajon Pass. We took them chili and cornbread with cobbler for dessert. And we sat with them for a while.

"They all looked extremely tired and sunburned, even though they had sunscreen to use. My thought, when I saw them, was who could be crazy enough to do this. Of the original trip, Elder Parley P. Pratt recorded, “It was certainly the hardest time I ever saw but we cried unto God and in the name of Jesus Christ asked Him to strengthen us and our teams, and He did so in a miraculous manner, and we were saved from the horrors of the desert.”

"One of the things the re-enactors did for those who brought meals was to provide a campfire devotional. Our hosts shared another story recorded in Elder Pratt's journal. Evidently, in describing the area near Barstow, California, Elder Pratt's companion said something like, "This must be the closest thing to hell on earth there is."

"[My family] had a Great Uncle, Lucas Hoagland, and his family who came to San Bernardino with those pioneers and settled. His first wife is the first white woman buried in the Pioneer Cemetery there.

"I've never understood the need to reenact historical events, especially ones that are hard, like this journey was - or traumatic, like the ones who reenact historical battles. In March, I attended a trade show in Ontario. At one of the tables there were Civil War Reenactors who came dressed in authentic Civil War Uniforms or dress including someone who looked exactly like Abraham Lincoln. I don't want to do it myself, but I like to watch. It does bring history to life and in perspective for those who participate, either by reenacting or as a spectator. I do also love reading the stories about our ancestors.

"Below is a link to a story about the settling of San Bernardino if you are interested in reading about it. The pioneers didn't try to travel down Cajon Pass all the way like Interstate 15 now does. It was too steep. Their original route and the one that was taken in 2001 was down Highway 138 in what we call West Cajon Valley. And it really was those Pioneers who named Mormon Rocks and the Joshua Trees we see in the desert here.

https://abn.churchofjesuschrist.org/study/ensign/2003/02/true-community-latter-day-saints-in-san-bernardino-1851-1857?lang=eng&adobe_mc_ref=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.churchofjesuschrist.org%2Fstudy%2Fensign%2F2003%2F02%2Ftrue-community-latter-day-saints-in-san-bernardino-1851-1857%3Flang%3Deng&adobe_mc_sdid=SDID%3D35838B9110BFB285-7EE45BA9B71123C0%7CMCORGID%3D66C5485451E56AAE0A490D45%2540AdobeOrg%7CTS%3D1647787144

"I asked one of the reenactors, since their journey was almost over when they got here, if they were glad they did it and the answer was yes. But I also asked if they enjoyed the meal. I thought that our ward should have chosen something else to make them. She told me that they had eaten a lot of beans and cornbread on their journey. I think that she was a little tired of the meal but was grateful she didn't have to cook it herself. I'm sure that the original pioneers experienced something similar."

#Mormon Rocks #history of San Bernardino

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mormonmonastery · 7 years

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Gospel Doctrine Lesson 35, or Mistakes Were Made

@gracewillcarryme here’s that lesson plan. Use what’s here and tailor it to fit what you feel prompted to be the most important material for the class to hear and how much time you have. If I realized I had to start making cuts it would be to the longer descriptions of the rescue effort itself, which probably isn’t new info to the class.

Possible Icebreaker & Thesis Statement

Can you remember a time a mistake caused a lot of extra problems you could have avoided? [let one or two class members answer if they want or have a brief story of your own to tell. hopefully this stays light? like “I copied a test wrong at my TA job and a whole class only took half of their midterm and we had to create an entire new key and set of tests,” a real mistake that I’ve made.]

The story of the Willie and Martin handcart companies can teach us how to apply the Gospel to the mistakes we make and how to rescue others from the problems they face.

I Will Go With You: The Example of Levi Savage

Handcarts were set up to help poor European saints make it to Utah and the first two companies were great successes, completing the journey in less than four months.

When the Willie and Martin handcart companies arrived at the last outpost it was July and August, unadvisedly late in the season to start on a handcart trek.

Most of the captains and sub-captains heard about the earlier successful treks and encouraged the 900-person group to go forward anyway “regardless of suffering even to death.” Many in the companies had no way to know how bad the winter might get and had faith that God would prevent the worst from happening to them.

Levi Savage had come back after serving in the Mormon Battalion. Unlike most of the European Saints, he had an idea of how harsh the winter and the trail might get. Have this quote from his journal [Aug. 13 1856] read as time allows (most important points in bold, if you need to cut down):

I said to [Captain Willie] that if I spoke I must speak my mind, let it cut where it would. He said certainly to do so. I then related to the Saints the hardships that we should have to endure. I said that we were liable to have to wade in snow up to our knees and shovel at night, lay ourselves in a thin blanket and lie on the frozen ground without a bed. I said that it was not like having a wagon that we could go into and wrap ourselves in as much as we like and lay down...The lateness of the season was my only objection to leaving this point for the mountains at this time. I spoke warmly upon the subject, but spoke truth, and the people, judging from appearance and expressions, felt the force of it. (However, the most of them determined to go forward, if the authorities say so.) Elder Willie then spoke again in reply to what I had said, evidently dissatisfied. He said that the God that he served was a God that was able to save to the uttermost. He said that was the God that he served, and he wanted no Job’s comforters with him. I then said that what I had said was the truth, and if Elder Willie did not want me to act in the place where I am, he is at full liberty to place another man in my stead. I would not think hard of him for it.

Recount that even though he was wary of the decision to leave so late, when Brother Savage saw that the majority planned to set out anyway he reportedly told them: “Brethren and sisters, what I have said I know to be true; but, seeing you are to go forward, I will go with you, will help you all I can, will work with you, will rest with you, will suffer with you, and, if necessary, I will die with you. May God in his mercy bless and preserve us. Amen.” Helping his company in a situation he knew they were unprepared for was more important for Savage than being right.

[if anyone gives you any gruff about bringing sources outside the manual into this, you can show that both of these quotes are tucked away on history.lds.org and that you’re just magnifying your calling by finding them. I purposefully worked to give you that avenue.]

Possible Questions That Don’t Have Sunday School Answers

How can we love and help others when we know they’re making what could be a dangerous decision? What if they won’t listen to our warnings/advice? What does Savage’s example teach us about not judging others? [that we should serve them instead is kind of the neon-light answer that last one is leading towards]

How can we be realistic about problems we might face without loosing our faith?

To The Rescue!

A week after the Martin Company left, Apostle Franklin D. Richards and other returning missionaries set out on horseback to give Salt Lake advance notice of the two handcart companies. As an early winter set in that October, that notice became a warning.

Brigham Young first heard about the large group of saints out on the trail during General Conference and immediately mobilized a rescue effort. Share from this retelling by Gordon B. Hinckley:

I think President Young did not sleep that night. I think visions of those destitute, freezing, dying people paraded through his mind. The next morning he came to the old Tabernacle which stood on this square. He said to the people:“‘I will now give this people the subject and the text for the Elders who may speak. … It is this. … Many of our brethren and sisters are on the plains with handcarts, and probably many are now seven hundred miles from this place, and they must be brought here, we must send assistance to them. The text will be, “to get them here. …“‘That is my religion; that is the dictation of the Holy Ghost that I possess. It is to save the people. …“‘I shall call upon the Bishops this day. I shall not wait until tomorrow, nor until the next day …“‘I will tell you all that your faith, religion, and profession of religion, will never save one soul of you in the Celestial Kingdom of our God, unless you carry out just such principles as I am now teaching you. Go and bring in those people now on the plains’ That afternoon, food, bedding, and clothing in great quantities were assembled by the women. The next morning, horses were shod and wagons were repaired and loaded. The following morning, … 16 mule teams pulled out and headed eastward. By the end of October there were 250 teams on the road to give relief”

While the suffering and fatalities experienced by the handcart companies were immense, they would have been much worse without their rescuers’ resolve to immediately drop everything and go to the rescue.

Even after the rescue, the trail back was hard and many saints suffered from the effects of starvation and frostbite for the rest of their lives. The rescue effort did not end with the companies being found in the mountains; they need continual care and service. When the first survivors entered the valley, Brigham Young addressed the tabernacle with this plea:

“The afternoon meeting will be omitted, for I wish the sisters to … prepare to give those who have just arrived a mouthful of something to eat, and to wash them and nurse them. …“‘Some you will find with their feet frozen to their ankles; some are frozen to their knees and some have their hands frosted … ; we want you to receive them as your own children, and to have the same feeling for them’”

Rescuing Today

Read from D&C 52: 40 and D&C 81:5 to show that God has given us a responsibility to help and rescue others today.

And remember in all things the poor and the needy, the sick and the afflicted, for he that doeth not these things, the same is not my disciple.

Wherefore, be faithful; stand in the office which I have appointed unto you; succor the weak, lift up the hands which hang down, and strengthen the feeble knees.

Question Time! Considering these scriptures and the story of the handcart companies’ rescue, how can we rescue others today? [some good answers that I’m hoping the class might come to and that you can lead towards if they don’t: natural disaster relief, helping the homeless, caring for and visiting the sick, providing temporal and emotional support during a struggle or trial like Levi Savage earlier, doing temple work, sharing the gospel, serving refugees].

On that last one about refugees in particular: if it doesn’t come up in class or is only lightly touched on, it would be great to share this quote from Relief Society president Linda K. Burton and talk about the I Was A Stranger initiative:

There are more than 60 million refugees, including forcibly displaced people, worldwide. Half of those are children. “These individuals have undergone tremendous difficulties and are starting over in … new countr[ies] and culture[s]. While there are [sometimes] organizations that help them with a place to live and basic necessities, what they need is a friend and ally who can help them [adjust] to their new home, a person who can help them learn the language, understand the systems, and feel connected.”... With [gospel] truths in mind, we have organized a relief effort called “I Was a Stranger.” It is our hope that you will prayerfully determine what you can do—according to your own time and circumstance—to serve the refugees living in your neighborhoods and communities. This is an opportunity to serve one on one, in families, and by organization to offer friendship, mentoring, and other Christlike service... As we consider the “pressing calls” of those who need our help, let’s ask ourselves, “What if their story were my story?” May we then seek inspiration, act on impressions we receive, and reach out in unity to help those in need as we are able and inspired to do so.

Follow-up Question! Ask the class: What experiences have you had in which you have been rescued? How did you feel when you were in need of help? How did you feel when someone came to your aid?

Ideally, when someone starts talking about the Savior, use that to lead into this last part of the lesson. If not, the transition here should still be pretty seamless.

Jesus is the Ultimate Rescuer

Remind the class that our best example of coming to the rescue is our Savior Jesus Christ and the Atonement he offered for all of us.

It is impossible for his gospel to not be primarily a message of help and rescue because of how that good news is centered on the fact of Christ’s atonement.

What Jeffrey R. Holland said in this last conference can be a good way to tie this back to the idea of mistakes at the start of the lesson: “The grace of Christ offers us not only salvation from sorrow and sin and death but also salvation from our own persistent self-criticism.” Jesus knows that we will not be perfect and that we will need to be rescued. We have to be willing to accept the help he offers us as grace.

It is because we are disciples of Jesus Christ and have been rescued that we have such a great responsibility to serve and rescue others. As Gordon B. Hinckley said, “Our mission in life, as followers of Jesus Christ, must be a mission of saving.”

Bear a small testimony of the importance of being ready to serve and rescue others like the example of the pioneers and Jesus shows us to do. Not going to give too much direction on that because it doesn’t work if it’s not personal and sincere.

High-five yourself on teaching a great lesson! You’ve earned it!

#gospel doctrine #church history #lesson plan #pioneers

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surejaya · 4 years

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True Sisters

Download : True Sisters More Book at: Zaqist Book

True Sisters by Sandra Dallas

In a novel based on true events, New York Times bestselling author Sandra Dallas delivers the story of four women---seeking the promise of salvation and prosperity in a new land---who come together on a harrowing journey.

In 1856, Mormon converts, encouraged by Brigham Young himself, and outfitted with two-wheeled handcarts, set out on foot from Iowa City to Salt Lake City, the promised land. The Martin Handcart Company, a ragtag group of weary families headed for Zion, is the last to leave on this 1,300-mile journey. Three companies that left earlier in the year have completed their trek successfully, but for the Martin Company the trip proves disastrous. True Sisters tells the story of four women from the British Isles traveling in this group. Four women whose lives will become inextricably linked as they endure unimaginable hardships, each one testing the boundaries of her faith and learning the true meaning of survival and friendship along the way.Â

Thereâ€™s Nannie, who is traveling with her sister and brother-in-law after being abandoned on her wedding day.Â

Thereâ€™s Louisa, whoâ€™s married to an overbearing church leader who she believes speaks for God.

Thereâ€™s Jessie, whoâ€™s traveling with her brothers, each one of them dreaming of the farm they will have in Zion.

And finally, thereâ€™s Anne, who hasnâ€™t converted to Mormonism but who has no choice but to follow her husband since he has sold everything to make the trek to Utah.

Sandra Dallas has once again written a moving portrait of women surviving the unimaginable through the ties of female friendship. Her rich storytelling will leave you breathless as you take this trip with Nannie, Louisa, Jessie, and Anne. This is Sandra Dallas at her absolute best.

Download : True Sisters More Book at: Zaqist Book

#book #zaqistbook #epub #kindle #GreatReads #MustRead #WhatToRead

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smokedcapybara · 7 years

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during DnD Saturday I was explaining how difficult it is for me to not chew on any candy I'm eating and my brother said 'that's just called bad willpower'

in the moment I felt absolutely terrible, it was yet another negative statement said with a grin and a vocal tone somewhere between flippant and sadistic. it cut deep, mostly cause just like always my brain was so filled with shame and embarrassment I couldn't think of any rebuttal, any proof whatsoever that he was wrong

and just like always I came out looking like an emotional child

a couple minutes ago I went into the kitchen to get myself some ice cream

despite the fact that dinner is gonna be soon and I tend to get full easily

as I got the icecream out I was thinking about whether I actually should or not, in the end I said 'screw it, I've got bad willpower after all, might as well enjoy it'

and then I stopped

I remembered all those examples that had slipped my mind the other day

the three different occasions in which I collapsed in three different ways because I pushed myself too far in three different ways

the words I started chanting to myself during the freshman four mile and never stopped: 'keep going till you collapse, legitimately collapse, if you don't collapse you'll make it eventually and if you do collapse they'll let you stop. so just keep going till you collapse'

even when I should have listened to my body, or my brain, and stopped, let myself rest

even when I knew it would be bad for me to keep going

always the voice 'keep going till you collapse or you get where you're headed, cause then either you get there or they'll have to let you stop'

'nobody can argue that you didn't try if you collapse'

'they wouldn't make you keep going if you collapse'

the first time I collapsed was during a church activity called Trek, a three/four day hike, pulling a handcart, living off period accurate food and wearing period accurate clothes to what the pioneers who trekked across America would have eaten and worn

every few hours there would be a break for everyone to get a drink of water

I had left a situation in which my water intake had been limited two years before and drinking water was something that didn't come naturally, even now it's a struggle but it was worse then

one of the leaders of my group, or Trek family, noticed that I only drank every few water breaks and kept trying to get me to drink more, I would refuse saying that I wasn't thirsty and that I don't need as much water as most people

the second day, during one of the breaks I sat down, my legs felt really tired and I figured a minute rest would be ok, I was gonna get up as soon as it was time to start moving again

after I sat down I figured there'd be no harm in laying down for a sec, my other muscles were getting tired of holding my upper body up, of course I was gonna get back up as soon as it was time to start moving again

and then it was time to start moving

and I couldn't move

I spent the rest of the day in one of the trucks following the hikers for if anyone gets injured

the leaders said it was dehydration, it most likely was

the second incident was during my first senior year of high school (I ended up taking senior year twice, or more accurately I split my senior year in two to make it more manageable)

that year I was in the walking for fitness class to get the last PE credits I needed

it's a lot tougher than it sounds

it was a semester course but I took it both semesters cause I needed two semester credits

the first semester I was behind everyone else, it had been a year since my last PE class and I wasn't exactly an active person, plus I made friends with the laziest person in class like the first week so I spent more time chatting with her than actually trying very hard

the second semester though I started out at the top of class, as the only one who'd taken the class before

and so I started to push myself

I had to be the front of the group, always, no matter how much effort it took

(unless of course the cute guy with the nice butt was the one ahead of me)

one day we were doing a bunch of exercises, start with a lap around the field then up and down all the stairs on the bleachers then lunges and I don't remember what all came between lunges and next lap

and then after a few rounds of this I was in mid lunge when I fell to the side

and couldn't get up

my legs were in agony for days after

of course I continued to tell myself 'keep going till you collapse' any time I felt tired, any time everything felt too much, despite knowing how much physical pain that phrase had caused me

the last time was my government class, second senior year, congress unit

for several years by that point I'd been having trouble speaking in front of people, most my life in fact, stage fright was the first anxiety I had and with the appearance of my social anxiety and my general anxiety that just got worse

and worse

by that year I had started losing the ability to speak at all if anxious

the congress unit culminated in a mock congress composed of all the non ap government classes in the school

all of the classes my teacher taught and half or most of the classes taught by the other government teacher

so that's at least seven classes of around 20-30 teens

at least 140 students

and I had to present my argument on whatever bill it was in front of all of them

my turn came and I stood up and got permission to speak

and when I opened my mouth nothing came out

my anxiety built on itself

the longer I was unable to force anything out of my mouth the more it overwhelmed me

over the course of seconds the small shaking in my hands grew to full body tremors

and I collapsed

I landed with my upper body in my friend's lap and started sobbing

uncontrollably

I had to leave the room so they could continue

I sat out in the cafeteria till I'd stopped crying

so so what if sometimes my willpower isn't all that strong?

so what if sometimes I indulge?

I push myself to my limits so often

I'm darn well allowed a break now and then

#capybarambles

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