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schizopositivity · 2 years

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my childhood experiences with hallucinations, how i rationalized them, and why i didnt tell anyone:

•as early as i can remember i saw colored lights, shapes and zig-zags flash across my vision, i thought this happened to everyone

•when i was about 5 i saw a gray cat run across my kitchen, we didnt have any pets at the time, i asked my older brother about it and he said "that was probably a daydream" even though i didnt conciousley create it and it looked real, i believed him and wrote off other hallucinations as daydreams for years

•when i was about 10 i was looking into a mirror and saw my eyes looking to the side, for some reason i thought mirrors were like screens and figured it was just glitching

•i was raised christian and wrote off a lot of hallucinations as god communicating with me

•when i was about 12 i learned what ASMR was and figured thats what all my tactile hallucinations had been all these years

•at the same age i started using tumblr, and would see emo posts talking about "the voices" (when they were actually just talking about mean thoughts) so i thought things like auditory command hallucinations was just a normal thing every teen experienced

•as i was hallucinating more frequntly i came up with more excuses, maybe i hadnt eaten enough, maybe i hadnt slept enough, maybe my periods and hormones were causing this

•i watched a lot of scary content on youtube and genuinely believed i was haunted by or possesed by demons

•i saw the way people treated psychotics, the way i was told to be careful near the people on the street talking to themselves, the way horror movies portrayed psychotics as danergous, the way i was told that my schizophrenic grandpa was abusive because he was schizophrenic

• the more and more i hallucinated, the more i kept to myself, i didnt want to be treated like that, i feared what would happen to me if people found out, i knew something was wrong with me but i was terrified of letting people know that, i could talk about my anxiety or depression or sometimes cptsd symptoms, but i couldnt talk about my psychosis

i did eventually get a schizophrenia diagnosis at 18, got on antipsychotics that helped a lot, and my family and friends ended up being understanding for the most part, but i spent so much of my life being symptomatic and just excusing it any way i could, i didnt want to want to be psychotic because of the way were treated in the world, but i am, and ive learned to embrace that

#tw god #tw christianity #tw demon #tw possesion #hallucination #hallucinate #schizophrenia #neurodivergent #schizophrenic #mental illness #nd #psychosis #actuallyschizophrenic #pseriouslypsychotic #mental health awareness

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jasmines-library · 7 months

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Up and Down

WHUMPTOBER 2023: Day three, prompt ‘solitary confinement/make it stop’

Fandom: Supernatural

Summary: After returning from being tortured by the devil himself, your brain can’t help conjure up its own images which refuse to leave you alone.

Warnings: Hallucinations, manipulation, glass shattering, negative comments about reader.

Word count: 1.3K

MASTERLIST ⛤ WHUMPTOBER WORKS

🕸 ⋆ ⁶𖤐⁶ ࣪⋆🕸

He was there again.

That tall, looming figure that seemed to always wear a shit eating grin on his face. He was lounging across a chair, drumming his fingers against the wooden table and singing obnoxiously loudly to some song you had never heard before but had promptly decided that it was already getting on your nerves. With elbows resting on the table opposite him, you clenched the hair on your head into fists and let out a frustrated sigh, rising to your feet and storming away from the library.

“Aw, come on.” Lucifer pouted. “I thought you liked my singing Y/N?”

Rolling your eyes, you made your way into the kitchen to where Dean was thickly spreading peanut butter on a slice of bread, trying to drown out the jests from the archangel he was still hurling at you. At the sound of your footsteps Dean raised his head greeting you with a grin.

“Hey Kiddo. How’s it going?”

You were hesitant in your answer. Dean knew the toll that coming back since being tortured by Lucifer was taking on you. You were much more jumpy than usual and opted to spend much more time locked up alone in your room than spending time with your beloved hunter friends. Dean couldn’t help but feel guilty everytime he heard you cry out in your sleep from across the hall. He couldn’t help but feel deep down that all of this was his fault. After all, it was he and Sam who decided to reopen the cage - it was he and Sam who Lucifer wanted revenge on. Instead of responding verbally, you opted to nod, knowing that an unwanted tremble would snake its way out between your words, like it had your hands.

You couldn’t help but stiffen at the voice behind you. It didn’t go unnoticed by Dean, who moved away from his PB&J to place his hand on top of yours. “It’s okay sweetheart. It’s only Sammy.”

Turning, you watched as the lumbering man struggled in through the door. His arms hugged a selection of paper bags awkwardly. He smiled; a gentle gesture before placing the bags on the counter, and wrapped you up in one of his bear-hugs. Returning the gesture, you smiled into his blue flannel, letting out a breath you didn’t even know you had been holding. Detaching yourself from Sam, you began unloading the groceries he had brought back with him, listening to the eldest Winchester talk animatedly about the latest show he had decided to binge watch on netflix. It brought a grin to your face.

Here, with Sam and Dean around you, you felt much safer. That was until that irritating voice drifted into your ears. You dug your nails firmly into your palm, leaving little grooves on the soft skin, hoping that the dull pain would distract you from the image of the Archangel. When that didn’t work, and his remarks still rang through your head, you turned to flee the room.

“Y/N?” Sam tilted his head.

“I’m fine, Sam. Promise.” You nodded.

Sam was about to say something, but shut his mouth as he watched you flee the kitchen, your bare feet pattering on the wooden floors as you retreated back down the corridors and into your room, locking the door, and the hollering of Lucifer behind you. Albeit, you could feel him lingering over your shoulder. Taking a deep breath and screwing your eyes shut, you pinched yourself harshly.

Lucifer chucked deeply. “Real cute, Y/N.”

You turned and pushed past him.

“You know you can’t ignore me forever.” You stopped abruptly. “I miss our little heart-to-hearts.”

You rolled your eyes, moving towards your desk and beginning to shuffle the contents around. That was when he started singing. It was an old song. A sad song that you and the Winchesters used to listen to on particularly difficult nights. One that you associated with comfort.

“Stop.” You told him firmly.

He didn’t. Only sung louder, edging closer to you.

“Stop it.” You said once again.

Lucifer continued to sing mockingly.

“I said stop it!” You yelled, throwing the glass that you were moving at him. It sailed straight through the illusion and shattered on the ground. He grinned manically.

“There we go, Y/N!” He howled, clapping his hands together joyously. “That’s what I’m talking about. This is the you I miss. Where did all that fire go, huh kiddo?”

“Leave me alone.” You spat out through gritted teeth.

“Mm” Lucifer pinched his chin between his thumb and his index, tilting his head towards the ceiling. “I don’t think I want to…You see, now you’ve acknowledged me, you’ve let me in.”

You shook your head, backing away from him as you approached. “No.”

“Oh yeah. I can see everything Y/N.” The devil proceeded forwards until your back hit the wall. “I’m inside your pretty little head. “ He sang.

“You’re lying.” You shook your head, trying to convince yourself more than him. There were voices outside your door, but they were drowned out by Lucifer. “Sammy said that nothing you say is true. He- knows. He’s been here before.”

Tutting, the blond rolled his eyes. “Sammy, is a lying, untrustworthy piece of shit.”

“Don’t say that.”

“He doesn’t care about you Y/N. None of them do. They’re just using you Y/N.”

“You’re lying.” Rouge tears began to snake down your face.

“They just feel bad for you. You’re a liability, Y/N. You’re gone as soon as they get the chance to get rid of some dead weight. They don't need someone like you on their team, dragging them down. I mean, think of how easy it was for me to get to you. Poor, helpless, useless-”

“STOP IT!” You cried, sinking to your knees.

Your heart pounded in your head, beating like a drum to the rhythm of an army march.

“You are nothing Y/N. You’re nothing without those Winchesters. You are nothing without me!”

“Get out!” You sobbed “clutching your knees to your chest.

“You are worthless.”

The pounding grew louder as you buried your head between your knees. Fat tears fell down your cheeks, pooling on your jeans as Lucifer continued his onslaught of words. That was when you realised that the drumming was not your heartbeat, but the sound of Sam and Dean trying to break down the door to your room having heard the commotion. When they managed to barrel themselves in, Sam’s heart dropped when he saw you rocking back and forth in the corner of the room, lip trembling with hands plastered over your ears. He took one cautiously in his hand. You drew back sharply, eyes moving frantically across his features.

“Please…” You whispered. “Make it stop.”

Wrapping you up gently he allowed you to bury his face in his chest, ignoring the dampness that followed as you continued to weep silently. Dean pulled you in close from the otherside, encasing you in between them. He never would fully understand what you were going through, no matter how hard he tried. He could sympathise, sure. He had been through decades for torture himself. But he would never be able grasp onto exactly what you were experiencing. Sam would be able to understand more; he too saw Lucifer for a while. But they both knew that no two experiences were the same. They knew that people cope differently and that was okay. All they could do was stick by you and help you work this out. And was exactly what they chose to do.

🕸 ⋆ ⁶𖤐⁶ ࣪⋆🕸

<- DAY TWO ⛤ DAY FOUR ->

🏷️ whumptober taglist:

@senjoritanana

#whumptober2023 #whumptober #no.3 #make it stop #solitary confinement #hallucinations #hallucinate #ptsd #supernatural #spn #supernatural x reader #spn x reader #supernatural x injured reader #fanficion

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duadaily · 4 months

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— Hallucinate by Dua Lipa

#dua lipa #dlipaedit #dualipaedit #lyrics #lyricsedit #hallucinate #future nostalgia album #2020 #mine #edits

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knights-in-whumperland · 1 year

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A Portrait of Jianghu: Reincarnated Disciple (2023): Episode 9

#A Portrait of Jianghu: Reincarnated Disciple (2023)#Chinese Drama #asian whump #injured #stab wound #groggy #hallucinate #Bandaged #episode 9

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ispianoblack · 1 year

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Dua Lipa at Lollapalooza 2022

#Dua Lipa #Hallucinate #Future Nostalgia Tour #duasource #Lollapalooza

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brucesterling · 1 year

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*You won’t see chess commentary like this every day, ladies and gentlemen

#ChatGPT AI #weird #hallucinate #chess

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prismatic-skies · 18 days

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I love fungi

#art #artist #trippy #mushroom #fungi #lsd #acid #hallucinate #drugs #microdosing #this is so cool #it’s so pretty #I don’t care if it’s real or fake I like it and it brings me joy

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cigarettes-from-the-moon · 1 year

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#drugs #trip #trippy #acid #high #lsd #shrooms #tripping #weed #hallucinate #disney #smoke #hookah

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pyromaniac9 · 3 months

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Fucking amazing songs I recommend 🤘❣️💔🔥

#def leppard #songs #def Leppard songs #favorite songs #spotify #deliver me #mirror mirror look into my eyes #run riot #hallucinate #i wanna touh you #cry #gravity #gods of war #white lightning

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schizopositivity · 2 years

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honestly all psychotics deserve an oscar

for all the times you saw something unreal and didnt even flinch, just casually looked away

for all the times you heard something unreal in the background while someone was talking to you and you activley ignored the unreal noise to try and pay attention to the real person talking

to all the times you felt something unreal on your skin and you casually rubbed the area to try and relieve the sensation, but you played it so cool and casual no one noticed

for all the times you tasted something unreal and didnt pull a face, just got something to eat or drink to distract you

for all the times you smelled something unreal and stuck it through and waited for it to pass

we are all terrified to show our symptoms due to the stigma, and weve put in so much effort to play it cool that went completely unnoticed, but i get it, and im proud of you, you all deserve a fucking oscar

#nothing wrong with showing symptoms this is just some love to those of us who do so much to not show our symptoms #psychosis #schizophrenia #schizophrenic #nd #mental illness #neurodivergent #actuallyschizophrenic #pseriouslypsychotic #mental health awareness #hallucinate #hallucinations

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film-art-music-animation-beauty · 9 months

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