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gloomysoup · 4 months

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when the world stops turning (my heart stops beating) - pt. 3

happy holidays to all who celebrate! as it stands, i'm posting this on christmas eve after a full evening with my dad's mom and his siblings and all my cousins, before i go to bed to deal with even more family all day tomorrow (we have my mom's side in the morning for brunch and then my dad's dad's house in the late afternoon/evening) BUT i did FINALLY get this part figured out and i couldn't wait to share it! i would apologize, but we all know i'm not actually sorry... oops

anyway i hope you all enjoy it!

ao3 pt. 1 pt. 2 pt. 3 pt. 4

cw: mentions and discussions of drug use, addiction, sobriety, relapse, referenced overdose, etc. y'know, the usual

The first time Steve ever got high, he was fourteen. Tommy had scored some weed off one of the older basketball guys, Steve’s parents were gone for a weekend. It was perfect. Steve, Tommy, and Carol laid back on the roof of Steve’s childhood home, overlooking the blue glow of the pool and the line of trees beyond the yard, passing a joint back and forth. It was a warm buzz, making his head go all fuzzy. It was nice. Until it wasn't, at least. He liked the feeling of being high. What he didn't like was what came after.

The comedown from that first high was rough, to say the least. Carol was fine; Steve didn't know why it didn't affect her as badly. Steve and Tommy, however, were not so lucky.

It was a while before he ever smoked weed again. He never did anything more than that, though there were plenty of opportunities. And he never smoked alone. It was always parties, or hang outs with Tommy and Carol. It slowed down when he met Nancy. She wasn't a fan of drugs, and always asked him to stop. He never could, but he definitely cut back. Then Nancy shattered his heart, so he picked it back up again. Started smoking on his own. Anything to chase the free feeling of the high. He spent so many nights trying to escape his nightmares and heavy thoughts. He smoked until his head was floating in the clouds. He kept the high until he ultimately passed out, hard, into a fairly dreamless sleep.

And then Starcourt happened.

That was a different high. Slower. It was loose lips, but firm thought. Tethered, but not quite there. It took longer to hit the peak, to really float. When he finally hit it, it was the best he'd felt in a long time. And then he came crashing down. It was the worst he'd felt in his life, aside from the time Billy bashed his head in with a plate. It sucked. It ruined weed for him, if he was honest. Every time he tried after that, his body panicked. His brain would get fuzzy, he'd start to float, and then he'd seize up. His brain would shock him back into reality. He vowed, with the help of Robin, to never get high again. He would finally quit. It wasn't worth the panic attacks and anxiety and trauma response that came with it anymore. He was successful for a while, at least. He'd been sober for almost a year.

That didn't last long after the final battle with Vecna. He and Eddie were friends. They were starting to grow into a little more than that. Steve’s nightmares were awful again. His body was sore and his scars stretched uncomfortably every time he moved. It was Eddie who initially suggested weed, even though he had stopped smoking himself.

“It's actually a pretty good method for pain management,” he said with a shrug. “You just gotta be careful about it. Stick to the natural stuff.”

Eddie didn't know that Steve was sober. Steve never told him. He'd been itching for a good high again anyway; something to clear his head, take some of the pain away, get a good night’s sleep for once. Eddie had handed him an extra joint, leftover from his own stash that he hadn't touched in weeks. Steve went home that night and lit a joint for the first time in almost a year. His sobriety went down the drain, just like that. The worst part? He didn’t even regret it. Not one bit.

He didn't tell Robin. He couldn't. He knew she'd be disappointed in him. She would go back to watching him like a hawk, following him around, and never leaving him alone long enough to even think about getting high. She'd spend every night with him, just like she did those first few months before. He couldn't let her do that to herself again. Not when she was doing so well with Vickie. He wasn't going to ruin her good thing with his own problems. So Robin never knew he relapsed. And Eddie never knew that he was supposed to be sober. He never told a soul.

Steve carried it with him for years. Every time he lit a joint instead of a cigarette, he thought about Robin. Two puffs in, he wasn’t thinking about her anymore, just how nice it felt. He smoked until his head was empty and floating, and then he smoked some more. He smoked by himself a lot. Then the band got recognized, and they were all smoking again too. Steve would smoke with them any chance he got. He never told anyone the secrets he was hiding. He never told anyone the weed wasn’t quite enough anymore. He was perfectly content with what he had, sure, but some deep part of him itched for more. He got cross-faded more times than he could count, just to feel something more.

His first experience with harder drugs was at a party with the band. Their manager had gotten them an invite for promotional purposes. There were supposed to be some high-end producers and such they wanted to network with, and Steve always went with them to these sorts of things. It was innocent, at first. Steve stepped out on the back deck of whatever big shot artist’s house they were at to light a cigarette while Eddie talked music with some people in the living room.

He took a deep inhale, feeling the nicotine saturate his lungs before he blew out the smoke. What he really wanted was some weed, but Eddie had it all on him and Steve didn't want to bother them. This was good for the band. They needed this. Still, a cigarette couldn't only do so much for the itch under Steve’s skin. He had a beer on the railing in front of him, but that's not what he needed. He took another inhale, holding it, hoping it would keep him satisfied until Eddie brought him a joint. It wasn't really working, but Steve was trying to convince himself otherwise.

“Mind if I join you?”

Steve turned to see a slightly older man standing in the doorway. He vaguely recognized him as another musician, but couldn't place his name. “No, not at all. Honestly, I could probably use the company.”

The man nodded and stepped onto the deck, closing the sliding glass door behind him. He took up a place beside Steve, holding out his hand. “Billy.”

Steve laughed at the irony and took his hand. “Of course you are. I'm Steve.”

Billy gave him a curious look. “Something wrong with my name, Steve?”

He shook his head. “No, not at all. It's just a little funny, I guess. I knew a guy named Billy once. Broke a plate over my head, gave me a nasty concussion, and then he died a few months later in a fire at the mall I used to work at. The universe likes to have a good laugh, apparently.”

“Ah, yeah, I'd probably feel the same way then.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out a joint, gesturing toward Steve. “Mind if I light?”

“Only if you share,” Steve replied with a laugh before taking another drag of his cigarette.

“Of course, man.” Steve watched Billy pull a lighter from his pocket and light the joint, taking a puff before holding it out toward Steve.

Steve stubbed out his cigarette on the wood railing before taking the joint between his fingers. He took a deep drag, holding it for one, two, three seconds, and then breathing it out slowly. He looked up at the stars as he passed it back. “God, that's exactly what I needed.”

“Tough day?”

Steve shrugged. “More like a tough life. I'd usually be smoking by now anyway, but my, uh, friend has all the weed on him. He's busy talkin’ shop with some other music guys in there, and I didn't wanna bother them. It's important to him.”

“Not your scene then, I take it?”

Steve huffed, taking the joint back between his fingers. “I'm more… emotional support for his band, I guess. Though, I'm not sure they ever needed it. They do just fine on their own.”

“I'm sure they appreciate it anyway.” Billy glanced back at the house as he took the last drag before putting it out. “What do you say we go back in, Steve? I know a guy upstairs with something a little better than weed, if you're interested.”

“Hell, at this point, I might try just about anything. I don't do needles, though. Bad experiences and all.”

Billy laughed and motioned with his head. “Promise, no needles unless you ask.”

“Lead the way, then.”

Steve was floating on the best high of his life. He didn't know how much time had passed, but he didn't really care. He hung out upstairs with Billy and some other industry people for God only knows how long, smoking and laughing and snorting lines of cocaine. Eventually, Steve stumbled his way back downstairs with Billy, laughing the whole way. He bumped into Eddie, physically running into his back where he was scanning the house.

Eddie turned and wrapped his arms around Steve’s waist, holding him up. “There you are. I was wondering where you went.”

“Eddie!” Steve exclaimed, grinning brightly. He turned to Billy, who had his arm around Steve’s shoulders. “Billy, Billy, this is him. This is Eddie.”

“Oh, yeah! So you're Eddie! You've- you've got a good one, man. Steve's such a riot.”

Eddie seemed taken aback at first, looking between the two of them. His eyebrows furrowed as he took in Steve’s slightly disheveled appearance and wide eyes. “Steve, are you high right now?”

Steve giggled, leaning his face into Eddie’s neck. “Soooo high, baby. I feel great.”

“Alright, I think it's time we go home,” Eddie declared. “Come on, let's go find the guys.”

“But I don't wanna leave,” Steve whined with a pout. “I wanna dance, Eddie. Can't we dance? Please?”

“We can dance at home, Steve. Come on. It's time to go.”

“No fun,” he huffed.

“Steve, look, here, I’ll give you my number,” Billy said, still leaning heavily against him. “You call me. We’ll hang out again sometime, yeah?”

“Definitely. Definitely do that.”

It took Eddie fifteen minutes to drag Steve through the house and track down the rest of his friends. When they found the rest of them, Jeff frowned at Steve.

“What's up with him? Is he okay?”

“Apparently the whole time we were talking to that producer, my boyfriend was getting high off his ass with Billy Corgan. I'm sure he’ll be fine once he sleeps it off.”

“Wait, Billy Corgan?” Gareth asked, eyes wide. “Like the Billy Corgan of The Smashing Pumpkins?”

“Apparently they're best friends now.”

“Oh, yeah, Billy’s great,” Steve said through another bout of giggles, leaning all his body weight on Eddie. He cupped his hand around his mouth to whisper, but it wasn't really a whisper. “He knows who has all the good shit, guys.”

“Okay, he is really high,” Grant said. “Guess that's our cue to leave?”

“I don't care if you guys want to stay, but I'm taking Steve home. Just didn't wanna leave without letting you know.”

When Steve and Eddie finally got back to the apartment, Steve sloppily kissed Eddie in the entryway. His hand slipped under Eddie’s shirt, but Eddie pulled him back.

“Baby, no, not tonight,” he murmured. He pushed a lock of hair from Steve’s face. “You're too high for that right now. You need sleep.”

“Want you, though,” Steve whispered, ducking down to suck at his jaw and throat.

“Steve, no. I'm serious. You need to sleep this off.”

Steve huffed, a pout on his full lips. Eddie kissed him softly before wrapping his arm around his waist and leading him to the bedroom. Steve slumped back against the bed immediately upon impact. Eddie carefully and gently undressed him before tucking him into bed. He brought a water bottle and some meds for the morning, placed them on the bedside table, and then changed his own clothes. Steve was out like a light, snoring softly. Eddie held him all night, unable to sleep. He'd never seen Steve get that high before. Part of him worried it was more than weed, but he trusted Steve. He'd ask him in the morning, but he wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. He didn't think Steve would do more than that. He didn't think he had to worry.

The next morning, Eddie made sure Steve was safe and okay before bringing it up.

“So, last night,” he said over breakfast, poking around at the scrambled eggs he'd whipped up for them.

“Oh, right! How'd it go with that, what was he, a producer?”

“It was fine, but that's not what I'm talking about, Steve.”

Steve frowned. “What is it then?”

Eddie swallowed, not looking at Steve. “You were really high when I finally found you after you wandered off. I need you to be honest, Steve. What did you take?”

“It was weed, Ed. Strong weed, but just weed.”

“You promise?” He looked up, meeting Steve’s eyes. “You promise it's just weed, Steve? I can’t- You have to understand how dangerous that other shit is. I can't lose you to it.”

Steve smiled so easily, like he wasn't lying right to Eddie’s face. Like he didn't have a baggie of coke in the pocket of his jeans, which were laying on the bedroom floor. “I promise that's all it is.”

And Eddie believed him, like an idiot. He trusted him, because it was so easy to fall for those eyes and that smile. He didn't think Steve would ever do anything like that. He had no reason to believe otherwise. He didn't know that Steve had been sober for almost a year before that spring break from Hell.

Steve lied for years, to everyone. He was good at it. It was easy. He didn't even think twice before the lies tumbled past his lips. The problem was how simple it was to score. How easy. He never had to turn far. He was listed as a personal assistant to the band. He was handing drugs to pass on to them all the time, but Corroded Coffin didn't do any of that stuff. They always turned it down. They knew what it did to people, especially in the industry. It was a dangerous thing. Every time the members ignored the drugs being passed to them, Steve slipped them in his pocket instead. No one ever noticed. The more fame and recognition the band got, the easier it became for Steve to score whatever he wanted. Pills, tabs, cocaine, heroin, the works. He never strayed far from coke and pills, still wary of needles from the Russians, but it was a high he couldn't get with weed alone. It was addicting. He wouldn't have been able to stop on his own even if he wanted to.

He snuck off to do a line or two every chance he got. If the band’s backs were turned for even a few seconds, he was popping a couple of colorful pills. He smoked weed every other night, whenever Eddie wanted to smoke. He smoked on his own occasionally, slowing down his body through the rush of a good high. It was nothing like he’d ever experienced before, and he couldn't get enough of it.

Then he was at the biggest show of Eddie’s career. Sold out at Madison Square Garden. Roaring crowds, electricity flowing through Steve’s veins. He was only going to do a quick line. He just wanted to keep the energy, soothe the itch. One line turned to two, then three, then some pills. Then everything went dark.

The first thought to cross his mind as his vision tunneled and his body began to shut down was that he should have told them the truth. He never should have lied to Eddie, or Robin. He never should have taken that joint from Eddie all those years ago. He should still be sober. But he wasn't, and now he was going to die, and it's his own fault. He fell to his vices. He didn't talk to Robin, like he always promised he would do if the urges came back. Instead, he got into the harder stuff, and now it was going to kill him. The clock had finally run out. The Reaper was knocking on his door.

That would be the end of Steve Harrington.

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tag list: @mugloversonly @djohawke @acowardinmordor @hallucinatedjosten @geekyfifi @slowandsteddie @estrellami-1 @cinnamon-mushroomabomination @canmargesimpson

(if you saw this upload twice no you didn't. i definitely didn't forget the tag list)

#gloomysoup #gloomysoup ao3 #gloomysoup writes #stranger things #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve x eddie #steddie fic #stranger things fic #steve harrington angst #steddie au #steddie angst #steddie fanfiction #tw drugs #tw addiction #tw overdose

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justmeinadaze · 10 months

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I Have Nothing (If I Don't Have You) Part 4 (Steddie X Reader)

A/N: I hope you guys are having a good fathers day <3.

Warnings: Dom security guard Steddie X female singer reader; Light Smut (heavy dirty talk, fingering), fluff, with angst, Y/N struggles with memories of her past and feeling like a disappoint with her family, agent, and exes. Themes of dealing with addiction (drugs and alcohol) , brief mention of domestic violence, the guys share with the reader some of their history when it comes to their dads (as a way to relate to her), reader talks about rehab and AA (mentions of relapses), she does have a panic attack but what triggers it isn't mentioned in detail just what she's feeling

Word Count: 4833

For the first time in a long while, you woke up naturally in a bed. You didn’t shoot up from a nightmare or open your eyes to blurred images and a headache. This time when you opened them you were met with Eddie’s gorgeous, sleeping face. His head was tilted towards yours as he laid flat on his back, one hand strewn over his bare stomach and the other between you two holding your hand.

Carefully, you turned your head to see Steve still passed out behind you, the hair on his chest lightly grazing your back as he breathed. The back of your knees were still curved around his and his arm slung over your waist.

Slithering out of their hold, you quietly tiptoed to your own room and grabbed your phone.

“What happened? What broke?”, Sarah answered immediately prepared for the worst.

“No. Hey. Nothing happened. I, um, I wanted to ask you for a favor but I’m not sure if you can do it. I mean it’s probably something I’d have to ask Jack for but I trust you more than him and I want to keep this as close to the chest as possible.”

“Huh. Okay…what do you need?”

You get up and poke your head out of your bedroom to make sure the guys were still sleeping.

“I, um, I know I’m on tour so I can’t really check into rehab. I mean…I guess I could but…I was wondering if maybe…I could have like a rehab AA counselor or something to tour with me.” There was complete silence on the other side to your request. “Sarah? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m…still here. I’m just… wow. I’m really proud of you. Ok, yeah, let me see what I can do. I’ll call you when I have something.”

“Thank you so much. Can you keep this between us for right now?”

“Of course. What, may I ask, brought on this sudden change?”

“Um…new people in my life, I guess. I just want to be better.”

***

You three barely had any time to talk about last night since the concert was tonight. As soon as you hung up with Sarah, you were immediately ushered down to the venue with Mark hot on your trail. You insisted you had to wake them up to come with you but he insisted you’d be fine. You texted them apologizing and let them know where you were.

Fifteen minutes later, they were sauntering down an aisle and jumping onto the stage. Eddie silently handed you some coffee and you politely thanked him as you watched Steve casually head for the director.

“Hey, Mark.”

“Hey, Steve. I’m a little bit busy right now.”

“Yeah no. We’ll get out of your way here. I just have one question. The schedule you gave us for these three days doesn’t have Y/N doing rehearsal until this afternoon.”

“Yeah but something came up and we need to make sure EVERYTHING is just right.”

“Ok, but she hasn’t even had time to shower or anything. Plus, and more importantly, you didn’t tell us about this sudden change. You took her without notifying us.”

“I didn’t know I needed to clear things with her nannies.”, Mark responded sarcastically.

Steve chuckled under his breath as he glanced at Eddie who grinned as he shrugged. The man stepped forward, forcing the director to face him. “Our primary focus, Mr. Lightman, is to keep that girl safe. How can we do that if we don’t know where she is or where she’s going to be?”

“Look, I—”

Steve gripped his collar, pulling him closer to his face. “Now, if you need to make changes, that’s fine. We get that. But we need to know about them, okay? Am I making myself clear here, Mark?”

“Y-yes.”

“Very good. I mean, really, it’s just the respectful thing to do, right?” The man nods his head as the other pushes him away. “Thank you very much. Please continue what you were doing.”

The director’s eyes follow him as he heads towards you.

“Look at you being all mean and scary.”, you smile up at him. “I’m so sorry. I hope I didn’t frighten you guys. I told him we needed to wake you up but…”

“Hey. It’s ok.” Eddie’s fingers gently traced down your arm. “Thank you for texting us and letting us know. I’msorry you couldn’t take a shower or anything.”

“Oh, it’s ok. I can run back to my room during our lunch break and do it then. When I was first getting started, we could barely afford hotels let alone nice ones so sometimes the showers didn’t even work.”, you laugh. “Probably why I looked so grungy that first year.”

#########

That night was definitely a new experience for the boys. They had never guarded someone as famous as you so to be in front of the stage facing thousands of screaming people was slightly intimidating.

“God, you guys have been so great!”, you giggle into the microphone. ��I do have something kind of new here. I’ve been working on playing my guitar again.” Steve watches as someone runs on stage to hand you an instrument. “I’m, um, sure you guys have read the tabloids about me and know sometimes I can be a bit…sassy.”

Eddie smirks at your comment as his eyes scan the crowd in front of him.

“I snapped at a couple of people who, honestly, just have my best interest in mind so… I learned a song from a band I know one of these people likes. I don’t know, have you guys ever heard of Metallica?”

The audience cheers as both men turn their attention to you. Your fingers begin to slowly play and the metalhead becomes lost in your voice.

“Never opened myself this way Life is ours, we live it our way All these words, I don't just say And nothing else matters

Trust I seek and I find in you Every day for us something new Open mind for a different view And nothing else matters…”

The man couldn’t deny that the first time he met you, he hated you. More than anything he hated your attitude. The more he got to know you and saw who you were underneath that wall of armor you called sass, he really started to fall for you; both he and Steve.

Like Eddie, Steve felt this strong need to take care of you and keep you safe. Not just because it was their job but because they genuinely wanted to. They loved seeing you happy, wanting to do whatever they could to keep that smile on your face that beamed down at them from the stage.

This wasn’t just sex for them and they hoped it wasn’t for you either. They understood you needed to take things slow and were willing to do that for you especially if it meant seeing you the way you were right now.

***

After the show, you were promptly rushed to the hotel to grab your things so you could head back to the tour bus and be on your way to the next show. As you headed towards a bunk an arm reached out to tug you onto one of the lower-level beds. Once you climbed in, you were met with Eddie’s smiling face.

“That was amazing. I liked hearing you sing that song.”, Eddie whispered.

“Yeah? I’ve been practicing it for a while. Since you guys dragged me back from that bar that first night.” The metalhead leans down and tenderly kisses your forehead. “I wanted to apologize…for being a brat.”

A tiny whimper emits from your throat as he trails his lips along your cheek down to the shell of your ear.

“It’s ok, princess. We can handle the brat.” His palm firmly glides down your stomach, his skilled fingers dipping into the waistband of your sweatpants, and through you cotton panties. “We don’t mind putting you back in your place.”

Your eyes drifted shut as you bit your lip, trying to stifle the moan that wanted to be heard when his digits pressed against your clit in slow circles.

“And where would that be?”

Eddie lifts his head to smirk down at you before plunging two of his fingers into your needy core.

“Wherever we put you, your highness.” His lips tread along your jaw line as he continues to whisper in your ear and your head turns into the beautiful sound. “Under us, on top of us, in front of us. In a bed, against the wall, or on the couch…”

“Fuck…” You quickly cover your mouth as he thrusts his fingers into you a bit faster as his thumb plays with your nub.

“Shhhh, sweetheart. You have to be quiet. I know its hard with my fingers in your tight pussy right now but I know you can do it. It will be good practice for when Steve fucks you backstage before you perform with his cum dripping out of you.”

Your cunt clenches at the image and Eddie responds by curling his fingers inside of you.

“Or maybe in the middle of interview when you take a break…while they’re waiting for good girl Y/N to return, I’ll be fucking you so hard that you’ll have to hide how sore you are and come up with some reason for why you can’t walk straight.”

“E-Eddie, please.”, you mewl.

“Yeah, baby? You going to cum? Cum for me, pretty girl.”

Your free hand reaches down to cover his own, guiding his pace till you tumbled over the edge, moans muffled by your palm as you came. Eddie’s own hand slides up from between your legs and you watch with hooded eyes as he licks his fingers clean.

You don’t know if it’s the vulnerability of him making you cum or just the stress and adrenaline of the evening but you rolled onto your side and shoved your face into his chest, curling your body into him till you were as small as you could make yourself. His arm wrapped around you as he tenderly petted the back of your head.

“Can you lay with me tonight?”, you whispered.

“I’m not going to lie; you’re blocking the only way out of this bunk so I think I’m trapped here.”

He smiled when you giggled like a mischievous kid getting away with something naughty.

“Good. I like the way you feel against me. I wish Steve could fit in here.”

“A sentence I’m sure he’s heard a lot.” Eddie presses your face into his body trying to smoother the laugh that escapes you. “Go to sleep, sweetheart. You earned it.”

############

“Y/N!”

“What?!”

The director of the show glares at you when you give him attitude. “Someone is down here to see you. He said Sarah sent him.”

The boys watch from their place at the side of the stage as you nervously smile and jump down to greet the handsome stranger.

“Who the fuck is that?”, Steve asked not even trying to hide his distain.

“How should I know? No one has mentioned them bringing someone else on.”

“You slept with her on the ride here.”

“Yes, Harrington. We SLEPT. She was exhausted from the rehearsal and the show.” Eddie sizes up his friend with his eyes. “Don’t let on that your jealous. Bratty baby like her is going to toy with that.”

“I’m not…jealous.”, Steve rolls his eyes. “I’m not! It’s part of our job to know all the people in her circle. Plus, you can’t tell me you aren’t a little annoyed.”

“You’re right. I can’t but I haven’t been cheated on like you have. I know it scares you more than me.”

“Oof. What made Steve so angry?” They both turn to look at you as you climb back up onto the stage.

“Yeah, Stevie. Why so upset?”, Eddie asks playfully.

“You shut up and you…who was that?”

You casually glance in the direction of where the man you had been speaking to had been standing.

“Um, his name is Daniel and Sarah sent him over to help me with some personal things.”

“What kind of personal things?”

You couldn’t help but tilt your head to the side at his tone. “Steve Harrington, are you jealous?”

He smirked as he stepped forward till his face was hovering just about your own. “Are you choosing not to answer my question?”

“And if I am?”, you smile back. “Hey, me and some of the other crew members were going to go to Lagoon Amusement Park. Would you two want to come?”

“Aw that’s cute.” You look at Eddie in confusion. “You asked politely like we don’t have to go with you anyway to protect you.”

“Huh. Is it weird I genuinely forgot?”, you grin. “I just want to spend some time with you two.”

###########

“We don’t have to do this.”, Steve cooed as you and everyone else waited in line.

“No. I want to do this. I can do this.” You closed your eyes repeating your last sentence under your breath.

“Are you afraid of heights, your highness?”

“As a matter of fact, yes Mr. Munson, I am, remember? I mean, it’s not so much the height part but the, ya know, plunging very quickly into the ground part.” The attendant allows you guys entry and Steve guided you towards the front. As you already began clinging to the handles, you overheard the man next to you inhale and exhale heavily. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, um, I’m a bit terrified of heights myself.”

“Steve…”, you giggle.

“No, no. This is fine. I face danger all the time as part of my job. I can do this. I can do this. I can—” He paused when he felt your hand reach for his and thread your fingers together with his own. When you flash him a comforting smile, he returns it before quickly bringing your hand to his lips for a soft kiss.

As the ride takes off, you can hear Eddie shouting in excitement as Steve grits his teeth, keeping his eyes closed. You scream with both elation and fear as you squeeze the boy next to you tighter. When you make it back, he climbs out leaning against his knees, making the metalhead laugh as he patted his back.

You liked watching them like this; smiling and letting go especially in a setting such as this one. Usually in your circle, letting go meant going to a club or bar, getting wasted or high till you passed out. You appreciated that this was an afternoon you’d actually remember.

You spent the rest of the evening riding more rides and playing games. Eddie seemed to come out of his shell more and you saw a side of him you imagined was only saved for friends and family back home. Steve, while still letting go, was always in protective mode. While you and the crew were in the bumper cars, when your car was hit, his arm would extend out so your body didn’t jerk too far forward. While you were playing a particular basketball game, the ball bounced off the frame and hurtled towards your face. Steve’s palm hastily shot out in front of you, blocking it as Eddie caught it.

Near the end of the night there was a show everyone had tickets to see but it was still thirty minutes before the event started.

“Come on. Let’s ride the merry-go-round.” You ran towards it, jumping onto a horse as you grinned, watching the metalhead climbed up side-saddle on the stallion beside you. The other boy leaned casually against the pole between you two. “You don’t want to ride?”

“I mean, aren’t I technically?”

“It’s ok, Y/N. He’s no fun.”

You laugh as Steve jokingly glares at his friend. As the ride begins to move, your gaze shifts between them. No one had ever been so caring or protective of you before. Yeah, it was part of their job but there was another layer to it that you hoped you weren’t misreading. To be honest, you didn’t exactly know what a good relationship looked like. Everyone you had ever been with had always hurt you, Simon being the worst offender. Those relationships, hell, even your relationship with your parents, always made you feel small. They constantly minimized your feelings and made you feel worthless.

These two men in front of you made you fell little…in a good way. You liked being vulnerable with them when it came to your mind and body because you knew both were safe in their hands. After so many years of chaos, you enjoyed them taking care of you and standing up for you. You spent your entire existence pushing and fighting, and for once, you were able to let go and give up that control.

“Daniel is an AA and substance abuse therapist.” Your tiny voice cut through the silence as they turned their heads to face you. “I…I can’t go to rehab right now but I asked Sarah if she could send someone to tour with us and help me. I also told her not to tell anyone. That’s why no one informed you.”

Steve’s palm landed on your thigh as he comfortably rubbed his thumb along your skin.

“I’m proud of you. That’s a big step.”

“Can I ask why you wanted to keep it a secret?”, Eddie inquired. His head tilted as your own hung. “Ah, I see. Princess doesn’t want people to know because that way when she fails…they won’t be disappointed in her.”

“WHEN she fails?”

“Her words, not mine. Am I right?”

Steve sighs when you nod your head. “How did you know?”, you whispered.

He softly smiles at you as his foot reaches out to lightly tap your calf. “Had a few ‘disappointments’ in my family; me being one myself.” Your eyes locked with his as his smile widened. “Harrington to. His dad fucking hates almost every choice Stevie has made. Hasn’t he, buddy?”

“You remember when you woke me up the other day because he was calling me?”, Steve asked and you nodded. “He was calling because he wanted to ask for the five-thousandth time when I would be coming home to take over the family corporate business.”, he rolls his eyes.

Eddie jumped down to his feet and cupped your head in his hands. “You’re not alone in this, okay? It’s going to take some time but you’re on the right track. You’re not going to fail.”

***

The show had already begun to start as you all took your seats for the event within the theme park. You were completely entranced with the visuals in front of you. So much so that you got lost in the performance and found yourself in a memory; a few of them.

“Mom, I’m all packed… Don’t you want to come with me to the airport?” You knocked again on her bedroom door to no response. “Mama, please… at least come give me a hug.”

“She won’t come out.”, your father sighed. “I can’t say I blame her. Y/N, this is a bad idea. You should be going to college to become something. Not running around California pretending to be a singer.”

You felt your heart race as your hands started shaking, your eyes squeezed shut.

“AGAIN?!”, Jack screams as he holds up the paper in his hand and reads. “’Y/N Y/L/N Arrested for Possession.’ What the fuck?! You told me you were going to quit and go to rehab!”

“I technically did go to rehab. I just left before they wanted me to.” Your agent huffs as he throws the newspaper across the room. “They wanted me to talk about stuff that didn’t matter! What does my family or my fucking boyfriend have to do with me snorting blow?!”

“I swear to God, Y/N. I’m not going to keep bailing you out of your messes. Get. Your. Shit. TOGETHER!”

A tear falls down your cheek as all sound seems to evaporate around you.

“You are such a fucking asshole! How could you do this to me?! How could you embarrass me like this!?”

“Embarrass you?! Don’t stand there and pretend you aren’t fucking other people when you’re on tour.”

“I don’t, Simon! Because I love you. I have been 100% faithful to you!”

“From what you remember.”, he growls. “Oh, please. I know how handsy you get when your plastered.” You reach for a dish in the sink and throw it at him. “Hey! What the fuck is wrong with you?!”

“I don’t know. Can’t seem to control my actions. Maybe it’s the vodka.” You toss another one and he ducks out of the way. “I hope she was worth it because we’re fucking done!”

“If you throw one more fucking plate at me, Y/N, I swear…”

You two stare each other down before you finally hurl the glass in his direction before running down the hall, his shoes pounding against the floor as he follows.

It’s pretty much instinct that abruptly forces you to get up from your seat and run out of the area. Your sight is blinded by the tears that streak your face but it doesn’t matter. You just need to get away, away from the disappointment, pain, and the memories.

Arms practically tackle you from behind, lifting you off your feet, and you angrily start to fight back.

“NO! Let me go!”

“Y/N, calm down.”, Steve says with a stern tone. “What the fuck is going on?”

“I said let me go!” You hear the sound of a door being opened and Eddie forcefully telling people to leave the area. Once again, everything is silent. “Let me go!”

“Honey, I need you to breathe.” As you continue to struggle, he grips you tighter and his own breath warms your ear. “Come on, Y/N. Stay with me here.”

Your legs give out and you slowly collapse to the floor with Steve still holding on to you. Your head hangs as you place your arms over his and sob.

“It’s ok, baby. Remember what Eddie said, you’re not alone. You’re safe. We’re not going to let anything happen to you.”

###########

Once you were able to calm down, the boys drove you back to the hotel and you immediately headed for your room and crashed in the bed. When you finally woke up, it was a little after 2am and the only thing you could think of in that moment was getting your hands on some of the alcohol in the mini bar.

I mean it’s fine, right? At least it’s not the drugs. I can drink a little bit.

Peeking out your bedroom door, you were thankful that you didn’t see either boy still awake. You tiptoed to the fridge, huffing under your breath when you realized the only liquid within it was soda and water.

“Looking for something?”

You jumped, quickly turning around to see Eddie leaning against his doorframe.

“Um…something to drink…”

“I would recommend the water. It will hydrate you after the evening you had.”

You both stare at each other and he can almost see the wheels in your head spinning. There are two ways this could go, the easiest option being taking the water and heading back to bed. The second (and harder) option being…

“Where is it, Eddie?”

“Where’s what?”

“Don’t play dumb with me.”

“You know, its adorable you think we wouldn’t call the hotel ahead of time to ask them to remove anything with alcohol from your room. Even more so that you think we wouldn’t double check.”

“You have…NO right…”

“You’re right. We don’t. Why don’t we all take the night to think about what we’ve done, you call Daniel, and then we can regroup in the morning.” His calm demeanor is slowly making you angrier. “Quite frankly, it would probably be better for you to call your counselor and talk to him because if we do this dance our way…”, he shakes his head. “…you probably won’t like it.”

“What’s ‘your way’?”

“Don’t play with fire, little girl.”

You growl in his direction, backing slowly towards the cabinets. Reaching in, you grab a glass cup and toss it in his direction. Eddie doesn’t even flinch as he watches it soar in the air and hit the ground to the left of his feet.

“Wow. Were you aiming for me? If so, you suck at throwing. Good thing you settled on being a singer.”

“I didn’t settle, asshole. I was meant to be a musician.”

“Oh, my fault. You just settle on continuing your toxic cycles. Why is that?”

“Personally, after what you said, I think it’s because she struggles with being a disappointment.”, Steve quipped as he came out from his own room. “Sorry, Ed. Seemed like you had everything under control but I at least want to see how this little tantrum plays out.”

“STOP!”, you scream as you toss another glass towards them. Neither flinches again as it hits the wall between their rooms. “Stop talking about me like that!”

“Like what? Like you’re a little girl? Stop acting like one and we’ll stop treating you like one.”

“Remember, Y/N, you’re choosing to play this game here.”, Eddie sighs.

“I could fire you both, if I wanted to!”

“Do it.” Your eyes met Steve’s as he shrugged before turning towards his friend. “Why does she throw the glass but doesn’t want to hit us?”

“I imagine it’s a tactic that’s worked in the past; throwing things at her partners to get a rise out of them so they’d hurt her.”

“You’re so fucking stupid. Why would I want to get hurt?!”, you seethe.

“Well, let’s see. We’re not giving you anything to drink, you don’t have any more access to your drug of choice, you had a breakdown today in the middle of a theme park and you’re feeling vulnerable. The only thing you have now is us.”

“Until she fires us, apparently.”, Steve rolls his eyes.

As Eddie begins stepping forward, you grab another glass from the cabinet and hold it up like a weapon.

“I’m going to take a stab in the dark here and assume that when you’ve done things like this in the past with, oh let’s say Simon for example, that he got angry and took that out on you. Am I right?”

Your bottom lip begins to quiver and you quickly try to hide by sucking it between your teeth.

“You asked why you would want to be hurt. It’s because you’re already hurting and you feel like you deserve it. It’s another form of self-harm, Y/N. You don’t have your normal vices so you’re jumping to the next thing you know.”

When he enters your personal space, your arm rears back prepared to throw the object in your hand but Eddie is faster, grabbing your wrist, and prying the cup from your fingers before yanking you till your chest was against his.

“The problem with that, your highness, is we aren’t like your other assholes. Steve and I are grown men, not little boys who play pretend. We can handle whatever you throw our way. Literally it seems.” He smirks as he places the cup in the sink. “Now, again, we can play this game, Y/N, but I need you understand that you are at an extreme disadvantage. You may not have known but you’ve spent your time with beginners. Sweetheart, we’re the elite.”

His hand abruptly releases yours, opening the fridge, and grabs a bottle of a water.

“You have two options after I hand you your drink here. A…you can toss it across the room towards Steve and we can tie you to your bed till rehearsal tomorrow. Not really the most comfortable way to sleep but it will keep you from causing any more damage or sneaking out. Or B… you take the water, go back to sleep, and call Daniel in the morning.”

Eddie tilts the bottle towards you as he waits for you to make a decision. Your eyes flick towards Steve who’s still leaning against the wall with his arms folded, watching and waiting.

“May I—”

“No, you may not. It’s just these two choices, Y/N. No stipulations or negotiations. A or B.”

You sigh in defeat as you take bottle of water from his hand and turn to head towards your room.

“Good girl.” His hand reaches out to yank on yours, pulling you to his chest before kissing your forehead. “Go to bed and leave the door open, please.”

You nod as you give Steve a tiny wave who softly smiles in return. When you climb back into bed, you listen to their voices as they quietly murmur to each other.

“I got this, Ed. Go ahead and crash. I’ll keep an eye on her now.”

#############

@rckstrbee @melodymishahiddlestan @alienthingstwo

@siriuslysmoking @micheledawn1975 @cositaslua

@munsonmoonshine86 @unfocused81 @paleidiot

@steddieloverrr @aol19 @strngrlytn @mrsjellymunson

@needylilgal022

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velvetandsweaters · 5 months

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probably ignore this because i'm sure you dont care <3

hi tumblr im back because some weirdo from my school has my twitter and i don't want him seeing me being angry but i'm really angry because i think that my ex was literally the worst i'm very angry right now because i didn't fucking deserve to be having panic attacks all fucking summer over this fucking spork looking motherfucker all because it was just soooo hawd for him to not lie too and communicate with his girllllfwieeeend guyyyys he was just so scaweeeeeeed like NO???? fuck him??????? what is wrong with him??? all the fucking time i spent on him just for him to treat me like fucking nothing?? and whats worse is he seemed so good and perfect in the beginning but it was never okay i was always fucking anxious and i thought i was fucking crazy for having daily panic attacks in july and i bet he thought i was crazy too i bet i fucking suffocated the shit out of him with my obsessive love didnt i?? i bet thats his excuse huh?? he was just so scared of how attached to him i was is that it?? did you ever fucking consider thats how love works?? and did you ever fucking consider that i maybe just loved you enough that i stayed for two months while having nightly breakdowns and daily meltdowns over this man?? that wasnt fair to me i shouldve fucking left sooner dude I was so fucking deep in delusion i thought everything would be okay and i just had to suffer more but i couldnt talk to him because he would constantly leave me on read fucking constantly dude and whenever i finally did get a conversation going it would lead to nothing but me freaking out and getting some bullshit vague response from him. i relapsed six fucking times over the summer and i tried to kill myself twice. he doesnt know that. my friend says she thinks he really did love me and that he just fucked it up but i don't think he loved me, maybe he thought he did?? but i don't think you do that to someone you love i don't think anybody does that to someone they love. so end of story fuck him i hope he carries the knowledge of what he did and how he lost me for the rest of his fucking life

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kores-pomegranate · 1 year

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I’ve been thinking for a while that I’d like to write down what it feels like when I’m at my worst. I think the human brain, for all of its wonder, does a shit job of hanging onto things, especially things that are painful. I’ve found that I can never quite recall what my body feels like or what thoughts race through my head when I feel very low.

I’m not at my lowest at the moment, but it was recent enough that I can remember pretty well. Last week, my doctor and I came to the agreement that I probably have cyclothymia. Even as a mental health professional, I didn’t know much about it outside of people calling it “Bipolar Lite ™️.” My doctor asked me if I’d ever had consistent relief from my anxiety. The answer to that is “fuck no.” If I feel consistently neutral, that’s about as good as it gets. I never feel consistently *good.* There are moments, here and there. Flashes, sometimes even a week or two at a time where I feel pretty good.

I don’t know if you’ve ever had COVID or chronic bronchitis, but if you have you probably know what it feels like not to be able to take a truly deep breath without sputtering or getting light-headed. That’s how those “pretty good” stretches feel for me. I can’t breathe all the way, I can’t settle. Always, always, a l w a y s there is background static flavored with fear. Justified fear, even. A body tensed waiting for the gun to go off to begin the sprint; all potential energy waiting for my next meltdown or crisis. And the fear is justified because one of the only certainties I can rely on when it comes to my brain is that it will freak the fuck out at some point. It doesn’t matter if everything is fine, it doesn’t matter if I’ve been doing well or taking my medications and going to therapy. I can always count on a meltdown that burns through that potential energy so fast that it brings my functioning to a screeching halt.

Anyway, back to my doctor. I told him, with less flowery language, that I’ve felt that way my whole life with little relief. To my surprise, he looked…relieved? Excited? He told me that he’d been wondering about cyclothymia for me ever since I told him I wasn't sure if one (of my four) anxiety meds was working.

Because, the thing is, it should have been working.

If what I have been experiencing was traditional anxiety, the cocktail of medications I was on should have knocked it out. And I definitely should not have had breakthrough panic attacks, self harm relapses, or roller coasters of SI.

My doc took my pulse which was sitting at around 150. He looked alarmed and took it three more times. He confirmed that I'd taken all of my meds. And then, he looked determined. He told me he thought I'd benefit from a mood stabilizer that was specifically developed for cyclothymia, to help treat hypomania.

Oh, hypomania. The "less severe" form of manic episodes. It's true, in some regards, I suppose. I don't experience week-long hells where I feel euphoric and invincible and out of control. I don't spend thousands of dollars I don't have on things I don't need. I don't make reckless or dangerous decisions with sex or drugs or food and I don't get psychosis. I'm thankful I don't have to endure those things.

But I don't get the supposed "good stuff" that is supposed to accompany hypomania. I don't get a sudden burst of energy and productivity that compels me to delightedly clean my house or do meal prep. I don't have days where I wake up in a sudden and miraculous good mood that lasts for a few days.

No, I don't get any of that. I get days and moments where my body feels like it is ripped from my control with absolutely no warning. I get, in a matter of seconds, a heart rate that jumps from 65 to 180. A rush of adrenaline that makes my body shake. The sudden and crushing belief that *nothing is okay and I will never be okay." The near incontrollable urge to just r u n a w a y. The urge to self harm. Sometimes actual self harm because feeling anything else would be better than this. Sometimes the urge to just…be gone. Because if this is my life I don't want it anymore.

That is what hypomania is like for me. Feeling as though someone broke into my car and is driving it wherever they want, even though I'm in the backseat losing my shit and fighting to regain control. It's not a fight I ever win. Instead, it's as though the thief gets bored and ditches me and my car in whatever state they put us in.

"See you soon," it always says.

Fear has been the soundtrack of my life for as long as I can remember. Today marks one week of taking mood stabilizers and 0 days since my last hypomanic episode.

I'm happy to still be here. It's nice to feel hopeful, even if I'm really fucking suspicious about it.

And to that car thief I say, "fuck you."

#cyclothymia #cyclothymic disorder #hypomania #dysphoric hypomania #mental illness #story time #TW: SI #tw: anxiety #tw: long post #tw: self destruction #lore drop #bipolar #me

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aceontheline · 1 year

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Vent Post

T//W: Anxiety, Depression, Su*c*dal thoughts, Self harm

Only read under the cut if you're willing. If not, keep scrolling. I'll understand. It's more so for me to express my thoughts.

And yes, this relates to "Welcome to the Table". You'll see why.

I was barely eating, showering... Functioning. I was running on no energy or too much energy. Because I also have Bipolar II, which makes life a living hell sometimes. This was one of my most saddening episodes thus far.

So. I won't lie. About 5 or so months ago, I was in a REALLY rough spot. I was in a shitty retail job that I felt I couldn't escape. It gave me a lot of Anxiety at best & made me feel like subhuman trash on the worst days. Sometimes, I would have to go home and deal with my Panic Attacks, or sometimes I'd break down and cry in the middle of my shift for no reason. On top of that, I was already applying for new jobs & either never hearing back from them, or they'd schedule me for interviews at the most inconvenient time. And I couldn't seem to reschedule sooo... Back to square one.

Also had a bad spell where I couldn't find a job for 2 whole months. So yay.

During the anxiety all this brought me, I was also dealing with some REAL bad Depression too. Felt like nobody wanted or cared about me in my friend group, or that my family was disappointed in me because I don't have a career in the field I studied for in college. When you let intrusive thoughts consume you, often times they get REAL dark.

I even had a plan. I won't say what it is here, but just know it was brewing. I had even relapsed at one point, self harming. I had done it again some time later & I was mad at myself.

So. How in the fuck does "Welcome to the Table" fit into all this? Well, it started as a bit of a distraction for me. The first video I can recall watching of his was "The States Play Among Us". I thought: "Huh. This Ben guy is really funny! Let's check out some of his other stuff!"

After that, some more of Ben's videos had come up in my YouTube recommended feed, and I watched a couple. I got a few good laughs, something that hadn't happened in WEEKS. And I wasn't thinking all the bad thoughts anymore. Had Ben been my saving grace? Naaahhh, that's stupid...

No, it's not. His videos and comedy really helped me out of one of the darkest spirals I had ever been going down. Eventually, I got sucked into his content SO MUCH that I ended up forgetting about "The Plan". I was feeling happier, more vibrant, and I was making people genuinely laugh at my jokes. Things felt... Fresh and new.

As I sit here thinking about the impact this series has had on me, I now realize what people mean when they say that a piece of content "Saved their life". I was always super skeptical about it, but...

Take my story as an example. All it takes sometimes is a distraction for those intrusive, icky thoughts to go away. And for me, that was Ben's series. Not that he'll ever see this but...

Thank you, Ben Brainard. Thank you so much for making me happy during a real dark time in my life ❤️

#venting #possibly triggering #personal story #wttt #welcome to the table

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gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy · 1 year

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The System Does Not Work

How am I supposed to function when I can't? How am I supposed to focus when my mind plays tricks on me and makes me remember a small detail or line of writing I forgot to jot down? How am I supposed to get to class when every sound and scent sends a debilitating shockeave of overwhelming dread?

Do you expect me to change how my brain works? I've been doing that. For so fucking long, adjusting my behaviour to fit your overspecified way of doing things and I'm sick of it. I'm sick of feeling stupid because I can't figure out x, when I can write your legs under you when I'm inspired. I'm sick of being ridiculed for not doing homework when I spent that afternoon battling with panic attacks and juggling fifty obligations.

Why do I have to work like you want me to? Why is every detail of my life under your jurisdiction when frankly I know a lot more about being me than you ever will. Just because I don't know who I am doesn't mean I don't know what I need and I need you to back the fuck up and give me some fucking space.

Sorry for my crude words and unfinished homework and I'm sorry for failing math but I am a brilliant artist and I am sick of being berated for not being able to climb a tree.

You make me want to die. It's your fault. Every time I step back in this building every thought of inferiority floods me, every overwhelming feeling, every wave of sensory overload, it all starts here, under your watch. I have felt scared for my life, I have commited my worst relapses and have had too many panic attacks to count under your supervision.

I'm done with this shit. Do better.

#school #school system #fuck the system #adhd #mental health #depression #anxiety #I am trying but my mental illness is trying just as hard #Fuck school #do better

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checkmatedsmpau · 2 years

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honestly love this series. very well written, clearly there's so much love for it. the trauma feels so real. the healing process isn't linear. dream's utter possesiveness is chilling to the bone. all of the different characters work together so well.

i especially liked the part with george kinda... helping tommy get back to dream? i hate when people make george all perfectly morally perfect. he's struggling with his own shit especially regarding to dream. in general, all of the characters feel like real people with their own struggles. it wasn't fully as if they wanted to not help tommy or each other- they just had their own lives and problems, and sometimes that shit happens.

i also like tubbo's characterization. he's... god, he's so stressed. it really puts into perspective how he, tommy, and tubbo are all kids. tommy's anger at tubbo is so justified, definitely. but tubbo had to make so many difficult decisions being president. exiling tommy was probably the worst. the guilt of this, on top of losing ranboo. being alone and the only way to cope would be to lose himself in his work... GOD. really fantastic. especially his reaction to tommy for the first time.

also, the sheer amount of content for this au. DEAR GOD. i love it. im confident i've never seen anyone more dedicated to an au.

i don't know what you have planned, but i suppose somethings i would like to see would be tommy relapsing somehow in the progress. majorly enough that it's an issue. and / or getting angry. trauma doesn't just manifest in fear, or panic attacks, and i think it's in character for tommy to lash out at some point.

another thing (i hope this doesn't come off as a critique, just something to point out-) would be ranboo is clearly working SO hard to help tommy. i feel like the series brushes over ranboo being stuck in a box for a whole year.. just a bit?. he obviously has his own issues he's gotta work through. i was happy to read the bit where ranboo was worried about going to the nether because of his time in the box. and his issues with sleeping in the box???!

ranboo isn't perfect. he won't always say the right thing for tommy to hear, which is fine. it would be impossible to demand that from anyone.

to add on, i don't think ranboo should be purposefully stupid about tommy's trauma. it just... there's so many things in regard to tommy's exile and his time with dream that nobody knows about still. this could cause communication issues. i just really think ranboo deserves to have his own issues addressed.

that being said, tommy's issues being addressed is so good. there are an endless amount of fics that just write the angst. no shade to them of course. it just... it's great to see this character go through so much, and to be broken. to cling to someone who hurt them and feeling all alone. and then to have people who want to help, and moving past things.

i do love angst, but healing and the process of recovery is just as good to me. the way it's treated, with such a huge support system... GOD it's so good. it gives me a lot of hope.

i also feel like tommy taking a life from sapnap should be... kinda addressed more??. yes. he was so abused and hurt by dream, he was jealous and was desperate for dream to not leave him. but it happened nonetheless.

i fully apologize if any of this is worded bluntly or cruel. it doesn't come from a place of meanness, i just have a lot of thoughts about this series and i want to express them!

i would like to say i haven't read every bit yet, so if any of this has happened, i'm sorry! i just wanted to write my thoughts out lol. thanks for reading, can't wait to see what's next!

No apology needed!!! It’s amazing to see someone so passionate about the series! I’ll try and answer everything as best as I can without giving away too many spoilers for what I have planned for the future!

First, George and Tubbo, I’m really glad you like them. Figuring out how to characterize Tubbo was a BITCH but I’m happy with how he turned out and where he’s going. And Gogy very quickly became one of my favorite characters in this AU, and he will continue to be because I’ve got a lot planned with him and I’m so very excited to continue writing so I can execute these plans!

I’ve definitely made a lot of content for this AU XD so much content…

Tommy lashing out would be very in character and I have many a plan for that, don’t you worry.

Ranboo definitely isn’t perfect, close to it but unfortunately… nobody is perfect. There will be some hiccups. And the brushing over the Nether is intentional! He’ll have to face it sometime but he’s got a lot of motivation to repress it at the moment. Actually he’s repressed a lot… more on that later :)

I plan on trying to balance out the angst and trauma and healing and recovery evenly and realistically to the best of my ability.

I was actually just planning a thing with George and Sapnap about the whole Tommy-taking-a-life thing. Don’t worry, that will be addressed. A lot of things will.

Thank you so much for reading! I’m really glad you’re enjoying the series!

Stay tuned! 💙🥰💕

#dsmp checkmate au #dream smp checkmate au #dream smp au #dsmp #dsmp fic #dream smp #dream smp fic #dream smp fanfiction #dsmp fanfic #dream smp checkmate asks

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enigmaticpink · 3 years

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Today was not a good day 😀

#had the worst panic attack of my life and i relapsed #two for one special i guess #my cousin who said i was lying about my abuse and has been in contact with said abuser showed up at my house today #and idk i just had a full blown panic attack #then i relapsed 🤷‍♀️#tw self harm mention #vent

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generous1ty · 2 years

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I just found this account and the way you decorated your account is just perfectly splendid, it reminds me of a dreamy kind 90's anime game in a good way if that makes sense :)

So, back to my request;

Fuyuhiko, Mikan and Mahiru with a s/o who passes out due to period pain, in front of them.

Like, who would notice they were in pain sooner? Who would froze and panic? Who would try to help right away?

(This happened to me ones and since I had heavy periods too, I needed to go hospital and to say the least, it sucked. I needed to take norethisterone for 2 weeks after hospital. )

sexily beatboxes to gain reads/follows

anyway, hey anno!! :)) my account theme is now edgy red with emo diluc, however. i was very flattered by your compliment when my account was still a pretty purple with sparkles :') thank you for saying it's like a 90's anime game that is such a high compliment and i loved it (and still love it) a lot thank you <3

other than that, here is your request, anon from months ago! hope that you're doing well after that trip- sounds pretty scary, actually..

lots of love to you. :) <3

Fuyuhiko, Mikan, and Mahiro with an S/O who passes out due to menstrual pains

genre: fluff/misc.

warnings: AFAB!reader (gender neutral pronouns used), period stuff (cramps, blood, etc.) swearing, post-killing game (SDR2 spoilers), relapsing trauma from all three of them (killing games lol), clingy Fuyuhiko 🕺🕺🕺, panic attacks + medication (Tsumiki M.), i use the word "drugs" but it's just another synonym for medication, just a bunch of anxiety. seriously. and obviously, you being in a lot of pain. and also me writing too much, as per usual.

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryu

Fuyuhiko is probably the most panicked out of the three listed .

i know he's the son of a mafia boss and he's probably got a criminal record, but just because he does crimes and stuff doesn't mean he knows what the heck is going on-

kidding.

Although Fuyuhiko is fully prepared for the time of the month where you seem to be in the most pain, he never expected you to actually pass out-- no, he never thought it was even possible to.

so while he's out buying whatever you need and whatever you're craving at the moment, you're at his house on his luxury couch, under a luxury blanket with a microwaveable pillow on your abdomen, laying on a luxury pillow, in immense pain.

Fuyuhiko comes home with the bags of products on his arms and his face immediately contorts to worry when he sees you under so much agony

he's the quickest to rush over and hold you in pure panic.

"shi-- ff-- god! hey- hey look at me! are you alright? what's wrong?!"

you can't speak because of the pain, and he's not sure what to do-

and then you actually faint.

and it feels like his whole world falls apart when he thinks the worst had just happened in front of him.

he gets you into a car and the car is speeding through the streets.

he is the quickest to rush over and the quickest to get you to a hospital.

even if it wasn't life threatening, and even if it was (or is), he still wants it checked out and he still wants a professional to properly make sure you're okay.

you have to stay in the hospital for a while, and Fuyuhiko is adamant on staying by your side.

"you're gonna get a ticket for speeding down the road so fast. your parking sucked, too." you're grinning at him.

"...shut up and rest."

after you're finally discharged from the hospital, Fuyuhiko is a lot more anxious when the time of the month rolls around.

you have to constantly reassure him that it won't happen again, especially after the medication you were prescribed.

that doesn't stop him from worrying, though. even after the whole world was cleaned up, and after surviving a killing game with half of his sanity still in tact, that doesn't mean the trauma of losing those closest to you will disappear.

he grows a little scared time to time when he notices how fast a month passes by, but gets relieved to see that you're doing just fine.

Peko helps him out with his anxiety when he's away from you cause of work, and you always send him pictures and messages to reassure him you're okay.

he's just a lil puppy. just a lil guy. a lil guy with trauma. it's ok. he's ok.

and you'll both be okay together.

Mikan Tsumiki

so. i know, you know, we all know, that since Mikan is the Ultimate Nurse, that she would be great at taking care of you during your menstrual cycle.

she knows you bleed heavily, and that sometimes your cramps render you powerless at times, but she didn't expect for them to get so bad you'd faint-

she's by your side, gently caressing your hand (they're a little sweaty from her anxiety and constant worrying), as she eases the pain little by little.

she's done all she can; you're under a heated blanket with room temperature water, she's given you on-the-shelf painkillers, and massaged your abdomen with natural oils to try and get rid of the cramps-

she wants to avoid prescribing any off-the-shelf medication if you're not comfortable with it or if it's just a one-time thing and it'll pass

but she's really tempted to rush over to the hospital she works at and bring something she's prescribed last-minute to you after you've fallen asleep.

i mean, that would have been what had happened if you had just fallen asleep-

she definitely noticed you sweating a lot more than before, and you looked very, very pale. you'd yawned at least once in the duration she had been taking care of you, and your pulse had been stalling when she held your hand.

she honestly should have expected you to faint. the signs were so clear but-

you fainted.

your breathing was so heavy and shallow that she just blanked. and couldn't think of anything at the exact moment.

terrible habit for a nurse. but she's working to curb it. (woo!!! go Mikan!!!!! muah)

she immediately calls for an ambulance and paramedics get to the door and she's in tears and short of breath from her panic attack. she's so relieved that you both live so close to the hospital so that it didn't take long for people to show up.

after the paramedics take you into their car, she goes over to the bathroom cabinets to take her meds and rushes over to the hospital the quickest she can so she'll be able to treat you as well.

of course, since she just got done with a panic attack, and there are obvious tear stains down her face, and that you're her lover, the other employees at the hospital don't agree with her treating you in the state that she's in.

and it takes a while for her to agree, but she's convinced when a doctor tells her that she'll be too busy with the prescription to properly take care of you afterwards.

so you're both in the hospital she works at, and she's almost in tears again seeing you conscious after an hour or so.

"don't cry, little crybaby." you smile a little, it's hard to contain the smile from infecting your words.

"i--i'm sorry...!"

"no need to apologize, silly. are you okay? did you take your meds? i don't want you worrying too much even though i'm in this state," you laugh.

"i'm fine-- i'm fine..!" she's crying again after you're playfully joking with her.

the aftermath of the hospital visit is a lot calmer than before.

after being prescribed stronger drugs for your cramps, Tsumiki is doing a lot better during the weeks when you're at your weakest.

at least you won't pass out anymore. that's the good thing, because she'd rather you be conscious than unconscious.

unless you were in really bad pain. then of course she wouldn't want you conscious to experience that .

Mikan trusts in the medicines you're prescribed with, and she trusts herself and she trusts you trusting her. so, she feels alright now.

although, she still feels anxious time to time. nothing can stop that dreading feeling in her stomach when she notices how fast the days pass.

but she's fine, because she knows you'll be fine. and she'll take care of you through it every step of the way.

Mahiru Koizumi

aah. actually. Mahiru is so sweet and lovely i'm actually in love with her 😳👉👈

anyway .

Mahiru really takes care of you during your preiods; there's a cold towel in her hands and she's wiping down your body as it sweats from the heating pad on your abdomen and the apparent pain you're in.

Mahiru is used to you feeling this way during your menstrual cycles. but just because she's used to it, doesn't make the suffocating feeling in her chest disappear.

she dabs the cold cloth on your neck, then your forehead, and she gives you a small kiss for comfort as you squeeze her hand.

Mahiru saw you fainting as a possibility, but she would have rather thought otherwise than to think the worst.

after all, you're strong; you're sturdy. you've gone through this before, and you might be able to push past this, too. right?

she believed so. she hoped so.

Mahiru is talking to you all the while you're laying in bed, trying to keep the pain from distracting you from her words.

her voice is soothing you, and you feel a little calmer with her by your side this time, too. her warm hand in comparison to yours, and the cold cloth on your cold, yet somehow burning, skin.

"...so after we were done taking pictures, me and Hiyoko parted ways and..."

she notices you coming in and out of it, and before you say anything after she trailed off, she helps you sit up in bed.

she's concerned, and you can tell on her face that she's not happy with this development.

"we should go to the hospital. you look absolutely horrendous right now."

you know she's joking, but you can tell the severity of your condition in her voice as well.

so she helps you get into the car and you both drive to the nearest hospital. Mahiru's not trying to rush because she doesn't want to get pulled over (or a ticket), but her hands are clamming up in response to her unparalleled anxiety and the worry in her throat.

and you both walk to the front desk together, and she has a hand around your waist, then you completely black out after she's in the middle of her sentence of checking you into a room.

and, oh god, she feels faint. she feels like puking, her stomach is twisting and she wish it weren't so she could help you up.

but seeing another body so cold and frightened and bare again. it has her frozen and the front desk worker calls for staff to come and pick you up.

Mahiru is visibly shaking and a few of the staff try to calm her down, saying that you'd be fine and safe in the ER

and so, after treatment and diagnosis and a few hours of being by your side with you still unconscious, Mahiru is almost breaking down when you wake up.

"oh god, i ache all over..."

"yeah-- you-" she's trying to get a coherent sentence out despite her breathing, "you practically threw yourself at the floor..!"

you can tell she's trying to make light of the situation so it doesn't get too dark, but it doesn't stop her from crying in relief.

you give her a small kiss, and she kisses back in the moment. just glad to have you back.

after you're discharged from the hospital, Mahiru is adamant on having you take your medication and it being on schedule, on time.

if you faint on her again, she might die...

so she does all she can to make sure it doesn't happen again. everything within her power.

and she hangs up a little picture you took in her room of you two walking out of the hospital; her almost in tears and you smiling, laughing playfully with her.

she's just happy it wasn't anything immediately endangering to you. she's glad you're still here. she's glad it's you.

208 notes · View notes

ravens-words · 2 years

Note

Tarlos: “What do you have behind your back?”

Thank you, Nonnie! Let me know what you think 💛

18. "“What do you have behind your back?”

Warning: very brief mention of TK'd drug addiction. No relapse.

"Carlos?"

Carlos jumped about a bout a foot in the air at the sound of his boyfriend's unexpected voice, the small box nearly slipping from his hands. He fumbled with it for a bit, then secured his hold on it and quickly folded his hand backwards, aiming for casual.

TK raised both eyebrows, clearly not buying it. “What do you have behind your back?”

"Nothing," he said quickly. Too quickly.

TK cocked his head to the side, eyes studying Carlos like he could read his mind. Only a second later, his eyes dropped to the open bottom drawer, and wide, terrified eyes met Carlos' apologetic ones.

"You found it," he whispered, shocked.

"I did," Carlos whispered back cautiously, "TK, I'm so sorry, I didn't-"

"No," he shook his head, "no, don't apologize. I-" he took a deep, fortifying breath and with it, stepped closer and closer until there was only a silver of space between them. "You know," he said softly as he settled his hands on Carlos' hips and leaned forward to kiss him deeply. The hands on his hips moved backwards, until they connected with Carlos' own. TK gently pried the velvet box out of Carlos' tight grip, and brought it forward. "I've had it for a couple of months now. After what happened that night."

That night.

The night Carlos had found him having a panic attack in the bathroom, an empty bottle of pills on the floor, and thought, for one heart stopping moment, that his boyfriend had taken all of it, and the relief that followed when TK uttered the words:

"I didn't take any."

The night they'd fought, and made up, and held each other. The night Carlos had promised TK he would always be there, no matter what.

Eyes never leaving Carlos', TK kneeled, gently taking his hand in both of his.

Carlos forgot how to breathe.

"That night," TK continued, "was one of the worst nights of my life, until you opened the door and made it better. You saved me, more times than I can count, just by not giving up on me. I know I don't make it easy-"

Carlos shook his head. "No," he said firmly, "don't say that. I love you. That makes everything worth it."

TK's eyes shone with tears and he beamed up at him. "I love you," he told him, soft and sure, so unlike the first time he said it, "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. So, Carlos Reyes- will you marry me?"

He'd barely finished the words before Carlos yanked him up and into his arms, holding him tightly as he pressed their lips together in a searing kiss.

"You still-" TK panted into his mouth, struggling to get the words out as Carlos walked him backwards towards their bed, "-haven't answered me."

His boyfriend fell back onto the bed, and Carlos took a few seconds to just take him in.

TK's smirk softened considerably, and he sat up, drawing Carlos into the V of his legs. He then opened the box to reveal a simple silver band. What do you say, huh?"

Carlos rolled his eyes, but had to smile. He extended his hand, and held his breath as he watched TK slowly slide it on.

"Yes."

Fluff Prompts

#ao3 link is in the prompt name #tarlos #tarlos fic #tk strand #carlos reyes #ejwritestarlos #a lil fluff with a tiny bit of angst.#really tiny

72 notes · View notes

hey-hamlet · 3 years

Note

Can we hear more about some of your SVSSS AUs? I’m particularly curious about how the linked souls/dreams one would play out, but they’re all intriguing!

YOU ARE MY FAVOURITE PERSON I LOVE YOU

AHeM-

YES YOU MAY

OK SO! Linked Souls! Sickly!Shen Yuan because im projecting a little bit, hes also around 4 years younger than Shen Jiu. When Shen Jiu turns four years old, he starts having hazy dreams of a soft, warm bed, a full stomach, but constant fevers and aches. He feels bitter - not even his dreams let him really enjoy anything. Its quiet and mostly formless until Shen Yuan learns to talk - they gain the ability to talk to eachother, like riding passenger in a car, able to talk and watch but not interact. Shen Jiu learns to read better than any of the other slaves, and teaches Yue Qi everything he learns.

He tells Yue Qi about Shen Yuan, and Yue Qi believes him because he’d always believe his Xiao Jiu. Shen Yuan likes his Qi-ge a lot, and likes him even more when he sneaks Shen Jiu sweets ‘for a-yuan to taste’

When Shen Jiu turns 11, he’s taken by the Qius. He feels scared and guilty, because Shen Yuan will feel this too, no matter that the little brat didn’t deserve it. He was still too soft and naive, this might break him. He begs Shen Yuan to find a way to leave, but he refuses to leave his ‘big brother’ all alone.

3 years pass, Yue Qi never comes back. Shen Yuan gets sicker and sicker, and Shen Jiu fears that one of them will die before the year’s end - either from sickness or Qiu Jianluo. Qiu Jianluo tries to touch Shen Jiu one night and he snaps, killing the man and everyone in his way on the path out. He might have grit his teeth and borne it if he was alone, but he’s not letting Shen Yuan get hurt like that.

Shen Jiu doesn’t go with Wu Yanzi after Shen Yuan begs him not to - the man is scum, and while Shen Jiu might be scum himself, Shen Yuan is soft and sweet, he doesn’t deserve to see a man so vile. Cultivating from manuals he steals from people who are likely scammers, he ends up at the immortal alliance conferance. Shen Yuan convinces him to enter - hes too tricky to get himself killed by any of the monsters, and placing anywhere better than the last dregs will be impressive for a 15 year old rouge cultivator.

Wu Yanzi is back! And hes trying to murder Yue Qi, who caught sight of Shen Jiu and froze like a deer in the headlights. Shen Jiu runs him through with a sword he stole from some asshole a few months back and then cries all over Yue Qi’s robes, and then has a very repressed panic attack about getting blood and tears on robes that cost more than his life.

Yue Qi is also crying! Shen Yuan has no control over Shen Jiu’s eyes but by the way he’s babbling he’s probably also crying! Everyone is crying!

Yue Qi brings Shen Jiu before his master a bit like a cat presenting a dead bird and Shen Jiu wants to die in a hole a little bit because he’s scruffy and bloody and everyone around him look like peerless immortals. He covers this up by acting as much like a pampered young lord as humanly possible. Shen Yuan is cheering him on internally.

Shen Jiu is snapped up the the Qing Jing peak master because he’s obnoxiously intelligent and knows a truely frightening amount of characters and some really impressive maths, esspecially considering his lack of formal education (Shen Yuan, internally “Yes Jiu-ge I know, I’m amazing and the light of your life and you’re so grateful to watch my miserable homeschooling lessons”)

Yue Qi explains nothing about why he didn’t come back because! Thats just what the man is like. Shen Jiu is less furious about it and more depressed because having a perminant Shen Yuan in your head helps you develop slightly less violent coping mechanisms. Plus, Shen Yuan can’t hold a grudge to save his life and Shen Jiu uses the fact Shen Yuan missed him as a reason to visit.

Yue Qi sticks his foot in his mouth a little less.

Liu Qingge hates Shen Jiu On Sight as usual, and is still convinced hes a murderous little noble snake. Shen Yuan is furious, and Shen Jiu has to fight the urge to laugh at the creative streams of insults he gets running.

Shen Yuan gets well enough to attend high school in person. He doesn’t really make any friends, but hes not lonely considering the other Shen who, while not there constantly, is basically always there by the time his first lessons start. The running commentry makes it less dull anyway.

He graduates, applies to university. Shen Jiu becomes head disiple. Shen Yuan finishes his first year of a teaching degree before his illness relapses hard. He gets through another year of part time study before he dies.

Something in Shen Jiu, now Shen Qingqiu, Peak Lord of Qing Jing, dies with him. His students liken him to a ghost, dressed in mourning white, rising late and sleeping early, but often seen wandering the peak in the dead of night. Yue Qingyuan visits often, but Shen Qingqiu says nothing.

Liu Qingge, angry at what he assumes is a fit of drama crashes onto the peak in a self rightious rage, challenging Shen Qingqiu to a duel. Thats the only time he ever loses a duel to him. The Yue Qingyuan has to pull them apart, Shen Qingqiu still snarling with rage.

The news that he deviates that night shocks no one. Yue Qingyuan is frigid with Liu Qingge, and it unnerves the other peak lords.

Shen Qingqiu has barely recovered from one of the worst Qi deviations he’s ever had when a disiple all but crashes through his door, scared shitless of the half dead looking man who stumbled through the peak’s barriers like so much air.

Shen Qingqiu doesnt dare hope - Shen Yuan is dead, and a world away at that - but wouldn’t his soul be allowed to pass through the barrier? Shen Qingqiu had never had a problem when they shared bodies.

The man (barely a man, he would be 21 if he hadn’t been dead for 3 months) looks truly awful, feverish and flushed, but Shen Qingqiu know’s that face better than he know’s his own.

“A-Yuan?”

#i'd kill a man for you #svsss au #svsss #i just worked out my arms are like jelly #painful painful jelly #key to my heart is asking me ab my svsss aus #and i know you asked about all of them kinda? but you got an indepth breakdown of #one way by day and another by night au #i think thats a shrek quote but whatever

160 notes · View notes

hoe-doroki · 3 years

Text

ana’s bnha x reader masterlist

first updated 11.17.20 last updated 07.13.21 desktop version found here bkdk masterlist: desktop | mobile

fics [38] drabbles [13]

Thanks for dropping by! I want to note that I no longer write x reader and instead am writing bakudeku shipfic. So! By all means, read, like, comment on my fics here! But I can't recommend that you follow me unless you like bakudeku. Hope you enjoy your time here regardless! <3

legend:

character x character

Title w/ link | [rating] | word count | genre

Synopsis

ratings are bracketed: e.g. [g], [t], [m], [e]

[g] - appropriate for general audiences [t] - appropriate for audiences 13+ [m] - contains non-graphic adult themes [e] - explicit, 18+ readers only

🌸 = personal faves

characters x reader: no ship (1), aizawa (2), bakugou (12), endeavor (1), iida (2), kaminari (1), kirishima (4), midoriya (7), shinsou (2), todoroki (19)

Everything is in alphabetical order <3

no ship

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.6k | hurt/comfort

The results are in and your class is all with you as you process the results

aizawa x reader

Stress Relief | [e] | 3k | smut

There's a new regulation that forces you to take an extra class before you can graduate college. When you learn that Eraserhead is teaching the class, you’re a little more interested.

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.6k | hurt/comfort

Aizawa reminds that you were prepared for this and, together, you can handle it.

bakugou x reader

Can’t Find My Breath | [e] | 4.2k | smut 🌸

At the beginning of the day, Ground Zero was just another hero you wrote articles about. Now it’s nighttime and you’ve just left a bar together. Companion to The Rest with No Sound

Christmas Cold | [g] | 1k | fluff

You and Katsuki manage to make it to your parents' house for the holidays, but you've come down with a little cold.

Doing Something Right | [e] | 1.8k | smut

You’re pregnant and happily enjoying domestic bliss when Katsuki comes in, unable to resist you.

Frustration | [e] | 3.1k | smut

request. After a long day of work, Katsuki comes home frustrated and you, suffering from a different kind of frustration yourself, know exactly what will help you both.

Gorgeous | [e] | 1.5k | smut, hurt/comfort

ask. When you have a negative response to Katsuki touching you in a moment of insecurity, he intends to do whatever he can to alleviate your fears.

version 1: petite reader

version 2: curvy reader

Magic | [e] | 2.2k | smut

request. Katsuki comes home early and catches you...taking care of yourself.

Miniskirts | [e] | 0.8k | smut 🌸

After a long day, Katsuki takes a shower and his thoughts turn to you.

On the Job | [e] | 4.5k | smut 🌸

Super human society has a secret. Aphrodisiac quirks aren’t just of porn and fantasy--they’re common and too often fall into the wrong hands. When heroes get hit, someone has to be able to activate the quirk’s release condition. If they’re single, who might that someone be?

You.

The Rest with No Sound | [t] | 8.5k | slow burn, fluff 🌸

Bakugou thinks that people who wake up not remembering where they are are idiots. This is confirmed when it happens to him, head aching from a night of drinking. Idiot. But when he looks over, and sees you there, he realizes he doesn’t remember anything. So he has to gather the scattered pieces from the day before to figure out exactly how he ended up with you. Companion to Can’t Find My Breath

Stay | [g] | 2.2k | hurt/comfort 🌸

ask. The last thing you want to do on a rough day is worry Bakugou with your problems. So you try to hide it. You should have known better.

Steamy | [e] | 2.7k | smut

request. You're a pro hero, rising in the ranks and, happy though he is for you, Katsuki's old jealousy begins to roil. After you've been paraded around all evening as one of Japan's finest, Katsuki finds himself feeling more than a little possessive, and can't help himself from taking you as his.

Steel and Lace | [e] | 3.8k | smut

The only one who manages to get Bakugou’s birthday right is you.

endeavor x reader

When the Smoke Clears | [e] | 17.4k | slow burn, smut

Soulmate AU. After his battle with Hawks against Hood, Endeavor wakes up in the hospital to find that a young doctor saved his life, their quirk being able to counteract the negative effects of his own. His first thought is that he has to talk to you–you might be able to fix the drawbacks of his quirk. His second thought is oh no, not again.

iida x reader

Broken Glass | [g] | 1.8k | fluff, mild comfort

request. In a quirk-related accident you find yourself surrounded by shattered glass. Worst of all, most of that glass is from every single pair of your boyfriend’s glasses.

Flotsam, Jetsam, Lagan, and Derelict | [g] | 1.5k | hurt/comfort

ask. Trying to hide a panic attack from your boyfriend isn’t easy when he’s right next to you. But you’re determined to suffer alone.

kaminari x reader

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.4k | hurt/comfort

You share your unsteady hope with Kaminari.

kirishima x reader

Silhouette | [e] | 1.8k | smut, hurt/comfort

ask. Before a gala, you’re stuck in the mirror, caught on all your old body insecurities. Kiri comes in and loves you regardless.

version 1: petite reader

version 2: curvy reader

We’ll See | [g] | 6.3k | gen, light romance 🌸

demisexual!Reader. After a fateful meeting, you and Kirishima keep running into each other. And although he’s so nice, you fear the fact that he might be interested in you. Even though all you want is, for once, to let yourself be happy and maybe fall in love, you can’t seem to be able to.

What We Look For | [t] | 15.5 | slow burn

Last time, you and Kirishima became friends—nothing more, nothing less. The idea of being something more sounds nice. But you can’t. You just can’t. So you won’t. Whatever happens will be on your own terms. Sequel to We'll See

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.4k | hurt/comfort

Kirishima freaks out while you experience a numb calm. You meet in the middle.

midoriya x reader

Bad Days | [g] | 1.4k | hurt/comfort

Izuku helps you get out of bed.

Sunlight | [e] | 2.1k | smut 🌸

request. An early afternoon in bed with your husband, Izuku.

Surprised, Just Once | [e] | 5k | smut

request. You were planning on just another predictable night out with the girls. What you got was much, much more.

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.3k | hurt/comfort

Izuku holds you close while you watch the results.

Multiple unrelated oneshots with Deku with an s/o with an eating disorder | ask

Gratitude | [t] | 1.4k | hurt/comfort

After having been with Izuku a while, you’re suffering a relapse and he helps you through with some gratitude practices on date night.

Picnic | [t] | 1.8k | hurt/comfort

Izuku surprises you with a picnic on your second date, much to your horror.

A Start | [t] | 1.2k | hurt/comfort 🌸

You ask Izuku for help when you realize you need it.

Trust Yourself | [t] | 2.3k | hurt/comfort

Shortly after moving in together, Izuku learns of your struggles and tries his best to comfort and encourage you.

shinsou x reader

Passing the Night Stars | [g] | 3.2k | hurt/comfort

The party was neon and you needed darkness.

2020 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.4k | hurt/comfort

Shinsou helps you prioritize yourself.

todoroki x reader

All Dressed Up | [e] | 4.6k | smut 🌸

quarantine fic. It’s been months since you’ve dressed up, felt pretty, and felt seen by anyone. Your husband’s birthday is a perfect excuse to get all dressed up. And then take it right off.

All the Wasted Time | [e] | 3.2k | smut, fluff

Three months ago, you’d been ripped from Shouto’s side with something less than a love confession, something more than a show of feelings. Now that you’re back, you’re eager to make up for lost time. Siberia sequel, First Snow prequel

Bad Days | [g] | 0.9k | hurt/comfort 🌸

Shouto comforts you when your demons arrive unexpectedly.

First Snow | [g] | 2.2k | fluff

A year after the events in Siberia, you and Shouto are happily together, and it’s the first snow of the year. Siberia and All the Wasted Time sequel

On the Job | [e] | 3.4k | smut 🌸

You. Sequel to On the Job (Bakugou); can be read alone

Siberia | [e] | 13.8k | pining/angst, smut, fluff 🌸

On the field, you and Todoroki are rising stars amongst hero pairings. Off the field…you’re kind of in love with him. After a successful capture, you’re boss brings you in to let you know you’re being sent on assignment in foreign country…alone. Before you leave, you have to act. You’re not partners anymore, after all. And with a little liquid courage you do. Then, the next morning, you still have to leave. All the Wasted Time and First Snow prequel.

Worth it | [t] | 0.3k | gen

The morning after with your boyfriend, Shouto.

2021 Election Night Comfort | [g] | 0.5k | hurt/comfort

The stress of election day comes back swiftly during the Georgia runoff and Todoroki’s quick to notice.

all works below are within the world of the a spare heart series:

A series about a fem, American reader who had to transfer to U.A. partway through second year. You’re there to become a hero, that much is obvious, but why else did you come? And, more importantly, what—or who—makes you stay?

timeline

may, year two:

- reader finishes junior year of American high school early

- reader transfers to u.a. from the united states

The Meeting | [g] | 0.1k | gen

Reader meets Tokoyami for the first time. Sequel to first impressions from my wip list

Hollow Victory | [g] | 9.6k | gen, action

chapter 1 | chapter 2

You transferred to U.A. from America two weeks ago. No one has found out your quirk yet. Today, they’re going be meeting it head on and you have the advantage: surprise.

june, year two:

Illiterate | [g] | 2.1k | fluff, comfort

Being unable to read Japanese makes you feel so stupid. And who comes into the common room after midnight just as you’re about to cry? The boy who hasn’t spoken to you in three weeks.

sequels

The Offering | [g] | 0.4k | fluff, gen.

The Mission (Shouto POV) | [g] | 0.3k | fluff, gen., silly

september, year two:

Impetus | [g] | 2.1k | friendship

Ever since Shinsou found out what your quirk was, the two of you have been each other’s best friends and confidantes. But when he turns a casual training session into a tease over your supposed crush on someone in your class, that trust might just break.

january, year two:

This Clock Never Seemed So Alive | [g] | 1.2k | fluff, comfort

You and your boyfriend, Shouto, always walk to class together, but today you haven’t yet left your dorm. When he checks on you, he finds you awake, but curled on your side, suffering from period cramps.

sequels

The Questions (drabble) | [g] | 0.1k | gen.

The Sweetness (double drabble) | [g] | 0.2k | fluff, comfort

february, year three:

Between Fear and Guilt | [t] | 2.5k | light angst, comfort

You and Shouto only started being intimate a couple months back, but you’re already experiencing a dry spell. Today you’re going to figure out what’s up with your boyfriend once and for all.

fifteen years after graduation

Something Perfect | [e] | 3.7k | smut, fluff

After years of questioning if Shouto would ever want children, he’s finally decided that he really does. Overjoyed, the two of you decide to get started.

#bnha x reader #mha x reader #bnha #mha #todoroki x reader #bakugou x reader #bakugo x reader #deku x reader #iida x reader #ida x reader #kirishima x reader #aizawa x reader #shinsou x reader #endeavor x reader

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traumatizeddfox · 2 years

Note

TW family drama, attempted sexual assualt

I opened up to my sister a little bit yesterday. Bc we're dealing with family reacting to my uncle trying to kiss my sister. (he was sent away to our homeland where he then acted out and was now forced into a clinic by the senior care home, which he was put in after he caused a fire) and now my aunt and her children are trying to cope with that and in that they're ignoring my sister but they invited us to my aunt's Bday. It's all kind of a mess and despite all my issues (or maybe bc of? I was always the wise one even as a kid), I act as the therapist, even though I Dont trust anyone in the family. I told her I can act as the mediator and all that. And bc of that I explained to her my rage with our parents bc she never knew details about my stay in inpatient clinics, self harm, therapy and meds and all the Jazz.

Regardless to say she still said she doesn't want me showing that anger. And when I confess that I'm jealous she didn't have to deal with things I did (she still doesn't know the worst things, never will bc she continues to react negatively when I tell her things), she was offended.

Whenever I open up to her, bc I keep trying. I keep trying to do right by her bc as Luisa from Encanto said im worthless if I'm not of service. I literally only lived to serve my family. I hate my parents. And I can't say I love my sister either. But she's better than them. But also she always finds a way to make me feel bad about expressing myself

Is it that bad to say I'm jealous of someone who doesn't have any mental illnesses or disorders? My whole life has been a fight, I'm littered in scars, I've been in in and outpatient therapies, I've gone through at least a dozen meds. I have nightmares every night and panic attacks and depression. I was so very damn close to psychotic breaks, I was paranoid af, I dissociate, I had a phase where I would pass out. I have chronic pain and migraines and sensory processing disorder. I have to accommodate so much just to function, just to survive.

Like all Im saying is I wish I had a break. I wish I didn't have to fight for my life like this all the time. I immediately got chest pain after the talk and had to get super high so I wouldn't relapse.

I am fucking jealous of neurotypicals in this world that accommodates them, and I'm allowed to be fucking angry gdi

it’s not bad, i relate so much i wish i never had any issues whatsoever :/ it sucks so much. i’m so sorry about ur family situation

#anon

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supernatural-jackles · 4 years

Text

The Comfort Fics - Masterlist

Are you feeling lonely or depressed? Is your anxiety through the roof or did you have a panic attack and need one of the boys to be there for you? Are you looking for a sign not to harm yourself? Did you need to feel like you aren’t alone?

If you are on this page and all of the above applies, you are in the right place for the time being.

I am just going to state, I am not a professional by any means. I have no qualifications. I am just another person out there in the world. This page is set up to try and help others find resources to help them when they need it most.

On this page, you will find a bunch of my fics that I have written about mental health, self harm and other sort of comforting fics for those of you who need it. Most of them are Dean and or Jensen. Each fic will be specified as to what is in it.

The ones bolded are personal favourites!

Dean Winchester

You are Not a Burden- the reader self harms and Dean finds out (self harm, self hate, mentions of an abusive relationship, depression, fluff)

Picking Up The Pieces - The reader overhears Dean crying in his room and comforts him ( slight angst, self-loathing, self hate, fluff)

Silently Suffering -the reader is slowly pulling herself away from the boys (Dean’s POV, Depression, Fluff)

Whatever You Need - The reader and Dean get in an argument, resulting in the reader having a panic attack. Dean comforts her. (Panic Attacks, Fluff)

Craving Affection (COMFORT FIC)- Being a hunter, affection doesn’t come easy. When Dean comes into your room one day, wondering whats wrong, he’s more than willing to help you out (Pure Fluff)

A Call For Help - The reader is having a hard time and turns to Dean for help (Mentions of Almost Relapse, Mentions of Self Harm, Depression, Sadness, Fluff.)

More Than You Know - The Reader has a really bad panic attack, so Dean calls for some re-enforcements. (Little Angsty, Intrusive Thoughts, Panic Attack, Self- Hate, Fluff)

It’s 3am and I Need You- It’s three in the morning, the reader can’t sleep so she texts the older Winchester in hopes that he was awake. What she doesn’t expect is for him to come to her rescue. (Extremely Sweet Dean, FLUFF, Implications of Depression, Self-Doubt, Little bit of Self Loathing, Insomnia)

Written - The reader’s going through a rough time. Dean helps his friend out with as little as a few words. (Depression, SELF-HATE, Drawing on Skin, Fluff)

Shattered - Dean finds the reader’s open journal and can’t help but read the words on the page. (THIS IS DARK, Depression, thoughts of suicide, fluff.)

All Better Now - “You look like you could use a hug” (Depression, Fluff)

Girls Night - Dean suggests having a girls night to cheer you up after you and your boyfriend break up. (Mild Angst, Fluff, Self Conscious, Self hate, Body image issues)

Playing Pretend - Sometimes things get to be too much. When things get to be too much, it gets harder to deal with everything on your own. But when you’ve got someone to go to when things get tough, that heavy weight gets a little bit lighter. (ANGST, Suicidal Thoughts, Mentions of Past Self-Harm, Depression, Anxiety, Fluff.)

Giving Up - It’s hard to keep trying when all you want to do is give up. Sometimes you need a reminder that it’s okay to give up, but the people who truly care about you will help you fight. (Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Suicidal Ideations, Tiny bit of Fluff)

Once Upon a Time - Everyone has good days, and bad days. Sometimes you need to let it all out in order to feel better. (Mental Breakdown, Dean Being Amazing, Fluffy Fluff. )

In the Quiet Moments - Being stuck in your own horrible inner thoughts is hard. It’s even harder to when those thoughts feel more and more real. Sometimes, you need someone to pull you back to reality and remind you of your worth. (Anxiety, Depression, Self-Doubt, Fluff. )

Just Want to be Loved - Sam’s away on a “hunt”, leaving you and Dean alone in the bunker. After a nightmare, Dean suggests that the two of you get drunk. Little do you know, Dean has other intentions. (Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Touch Starvation, Alcohol Consumption, Fluff. )

Steady Breath - A person can only hold it together for so long before everything cracks. And everything cracks down at the most inopportune time. Thankfully, this time you don’t have to do it alone. (Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Suicidal Ideations, Bit of Smut, Fluff. )

If Anything Happened to You - After jumping in front of the gun one too many times, the Winchester’s are wondering if there is something more to it than just saving them. (Angst, Argument, Alcohol Consumption, Sexual Harassment, Implications of Depression and Anxiety, Suicidal Ideations, Fluff, Smut)

Everyone Breaks Sometime - Sometimes, all you need is a little pillow talk and some snuggling with the older Winchester to make everything feel whole again. (Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Pillow Talk, Fluffy Fluff.)

Man’s Best Friend -After a really bad hunt, the reader decides she doesn’t want to hunt anymore. She’s having a really tough time making the adjustment, so she takes measures into her own hands. (General SPN Angst, Implications of PTSD, Mentions of Anxiety and Depression, Bit of Angry Dean, Fluffy Fluff)

Happy Anniversary - It’s yours and Dean’s 5th anniversary. He had planned on taking you out and showing you just how much he loved an appreciated you for sticking by his side for so long. A sweet gesture, only you don’t really want to go when the day comes. (Anxiety, Depression, Self Hate, Implied Smut, Fluff, Dean’s a Softie.)

Can’t Do Anything Right - After being sidelined with an injured knee, you try your hardest to keep up with everyday things so you don’t feel useless. Supply runs, cooking, a bit of research. The only thing is, you can’t do anything right. ( Angst, Sam’s a bit of a Dick, Anxiety, Self Hate, Injury, Fluff)

Fitting a Square into a Circle - ~~After a hunt with an old friend goes a little different than you planned, you make a call to the Winchester’s to help you out of a nasty situation. A situation that leaves you with more wounds than anyone really knew about.

The Arrangement ~~After a hunt gone wrong, you take Dean up on the extremely useful arrangement you both agreed on many years ago to help you get through the night. (Hunt Gone Wrong, SPN Level Angst, Anxiety, Mentions of Sex, Tears, Cuddles, Fluff. )

The Man on the Side of the Road (Masterlist) - Series ~~Driving down the road, going well over the speed limit. You come across a man walking in the opposite direction with a bouquet of flowers in his hands. His head cast down as he walked. Your gut instinct is telling you to check on this man, no matter what your parents told you growing up. Little did you know just how much this would change your life.

Jensen Ackles

Drift Away - The reader is struggling right now with everything on her plate and goes to her best friend for help (Depression, Fluff)

Help Is Always Here - The reader is a teenager on set. At a convention, a fan thanks Jensen for helping her stop self harming because they assumed he helped the reader. Only this is the first time he’s heard about it. He comforts her. (Jensen x Danneel, self harm, fluff)

It Gets Better Sometimes, you just need a friend that you can rely on, through thick and thin, and good and bad. The days where you feel like a lesser version of yourself. With all the struggles you have with mental health, it’s nice to know there is someone there to hold you together when you fall to pieces. (Series)

No One Would Notice - When things get so bad that you snap at the drop of a hat, or in this case, a drop of a gun. The ones around you are concerned about you.; the ones that love you. (Angst, Self- Doubt, Self- Hate, Anxiety, Depression, Mentions of Previous Self-Harm, Minor Implications of an Eating Disorder, Fluff. )

Always There For You - Night time is always the worst time. You’re alone. The thoughts get the better of you. Sometimes, you just need the one you love; the one who has been there for you through everything to get you back on track. (Bit of Angst, Fluff, Depression, Anxiety, Self Loathing)

What’s Wrong with Me? - You pour so much of yourself into everyone, only to be hurt in the end. People always leave. All but one. The one who picks you up when other’s knock you down. (Tiny bit of Angst, Implications of Depression, Sad Reader, Fluff. Implied smut. )

Figuring it Out - A thunderstorm rolls through Vancouver, effectively knocking the power out. Filming is put on hold. Jensen invites you back to his trailer to hang out where things grow a little deeper than you expected. (Anxiety, Depression, Smidge of Angst, Fluff, Self-hate)

Jared Padalecki

Supernatural Family - Jared see’s the readers scars and tries to talk to her about them (self harm, fluff)

Friendships

We Love You - Dean walks in on the reader self harming. The boys assure the reader that everything is going to be okay (self-harm, suicide attempt, fluff)

Hold You Tight - When life gets to be too hard and you can’t seem to get out a dark place, who is there to pick you up and hold you? (Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts (Minor) Implications of Insomnia, Depression, Intrusive Thoughts, Fluff)

Coming soon...

FIC RECS

Other Resources!

Self Harm Alternatives

IMALIVE.ORG

Crisis Website for thoughts of Suicide. (Some great resources for loss)

#Comfort Fics #Mental health fics #Dean x Reader #Jensen x Reader #Anxiety #Depression #Masterlist #supernatural-jackles

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