#guess im just kind of realizing im kind of behind considering my most used art style isnt really useful for commercial art

[honestlywtfisgoingon]

A Match Set

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Pairing: Benny Watts x Reader

Summary: After meeting one night in New York, you and Benny Watts are drawn to each other. As you go through different experiences with one another, you grow closer until it finally gets to be too much for Benny.

Word Count: 1890

Warnings: none

Notes: aye this is my first fic because there is a serious lack of benny watts fics and i had to change that for myself. this will probably be multiple chapters that can be read separately.

It was your first art gallery, and you were both anxious and overjoyed to see people surveying your work. You had put so many hours into each piece and all kinds of people had poured in to look. It was a well known gallery, but the variety still surprised you. You looked around and saw some interesting characters, but your interest was piqued when your eyes fell upon a particular cowboy.

He was inspecting one of your favorite paintings which had chess pieces as the subject. The pieces merely served as part of a metaphor in your art, as the game and all its complexities had never really been your thing. As you looked closer at the man you realized that, not only had his outfit sparked your interest, but he seemed familiar too. Out of curiosity, you walked over and stood next to him.

“What are your thoughts?” You asked, motioning towards the painting.

His initial expression showed surprise that you were talking to him, but he recovered quickly, saying, “It’s good. I think the artist has talent.” You felt a bit of pride hearing that. You opened your mouth to say thanks, but you decided not to reveal yourself. You wanted him to give his honest opinion without fear of offending you.

“So do you like chess?” He nodded to the painting. Hearing this you made the connection as to why you remembered seeing him before. Your father owned a little bookshop back home and you were looking into chess for the same painting you were discussing right now. You had seen this cowboy on the back of one of those books, but you hadn’t given it another thought, never actually expecting to meet him. You decided not to reveal this information either and continued with the conversation.

“I can play a modest game. You?”

“I can play a modest game.” He had a small smile as he shrugged.

“Your first lie.” You said smirking back.

He looked confused but curious, so you explained about your research, your fathers bookshop, the whole story. He puffed up a bit after hearing that, looking impressed that you knew who he was.

“What’s your name?” He asked, still curious.

“Y/n” you replied.

“Nice name. I’m Benny, but you already seem to know who I am. On the other hand I don’t know anything about you.” He reached out his hand to shake yours.

“You walk in here with a black trench coat but you make me out to be the mysterious one,” you smirked as you took his hand. He chuckled a bit, and after your introduction, you asked why he was here.

“My friend knows the artist actually. She told us we had to see her work before going out.” You hummed as you thought about what to say, but he interjected.

“I don’t usually do this, and I’m not sure why I’m doing this now, but maybe you’d consider coffee with me. I won’t tell anymore lies” he joked.

You laughed a little, mildly shocked. “you’re not sure why? That’s flattering” you teased.

“Not what I meant-“ but before you could come to a conclusion on his sudden offer, you heard an excited french accent.

“Y/n! Im so proud! You finally got to show off all that talent!” Your friend Cleo ran up to you and wrapped her arms around you. You hadn’t seen her since you lived in France for a few months and you had missed her. You left for France after you realized you weren’t really needed at home, so you dedicated yourself to trying to soak up some culture. She looked gorgeous like you remembered, fitting for a model. You continued your reunion embrace for a moment before she waved her arms to the men and woman behind her. She introduced the friends she had brought to your show as Arthur, Hilton, and Annette, who all smiled at you. Cleo paused to turn to the cowboy saying, “I see you’ve already met Benny.”

“Yeah we met,” he said, “but I didn’t know this was your work. I would’ve told you how impressed I am.” Your cheeks turned a light pink at the praise.

“Look at Benny, impressed with someone besides himself for once.”Cleo poked fun and the group let out a laugh.

“Hey I’m not a narcissist or anything, don’t listen to Cleo,” Benny made excuses to you, only mildly offended.

“Sure you aren’t. I have nothing against narcissists,” you jokingly assured him. This answer didn’t comfort the man who had essentially just asked you on a date.

You and Cleo continued to catch up and you talked more with her friends as well. Benny just stood next to you, and you caught him glancing at you once or twice, but you just ignored it. Eventually you agreed to go out for drinks with the group, walking with them to a bar a couple blocks down called Hal’s.

You all squeezed into a booth while Arthur went off to get drinks. You sat on the outside, watching the people out on the floor next to you giggling and dancing. Having a couple of drinks beforehand must’ve contributed to the large amount of people out there, you thought. Arthur eventually announced his return by laying a tray of drinks in the middle of the table.

You were all conversing and sipping on your drinks when Annette decided she wanted to dance. Cleo agreed enthusiastically, but the rest of us refused. She suggested we all take shots to make it easier, but once again we tried to turn her down. she pleaded, “come on guys, it’s a Saturday night, and you can’t possible lose something from it. Have a little bit of fun with me!”

We relented, having a feeling that she wasn’t going to give up any time soon. She gave a little clap and handed out the shots. You knocked yours back with everyone else and grimaced at the bitter taste. Shaking it off, you slid out of the booth so the others could get out. You moved back into your spot after they all made their way to the throng of people. You decided you would join them later, but you liked to observe first. You looked over and the only two left were you and Benny. You slid over to him, not wanting to sit awkwardly on the other end like he wasn’t there.

“I bet you five bucks that lady is bored out of her mind.” He pointed to a blonde on a date across the bar, “Either she’s an alcoholic or she’s trying to tune out baldie.” You looked at the woman and saw she was surrounded by empty glasses while the man in front of her seemed like he was boasting endlessly. You both started making observations about the various people in the bar. Most of them were snarky comments that you whispered into each other’s ears, giggling, but you also created imaginary lives for them, guessing who they were and how they got here. After sharing a couple laughs, you sighed and reached a comfortable lull before Benny brought up what you knew was coming.

“So have you thought about my earlier question?” He eyed you seriously all of a sudden, but you didn’t feel any pressure. He seemed the type of confident where he thought you would say yes, but he could recover if you said no.

You weighed in your impression of him. He was cute, with fluffy hair and nice eyes that were a kind of chocolate color. He was funny and you he seemed intelligent (I mean he had to be, he played competitive chess). Albeit his trench coat and hat were a bit eccentric, but that wasn’t a bad thing, in fact you found it attractive.

“So have you?” He asked again, leaning his head in.

“Oh uh” you hadn’t realized while you were thinking that you had zoned out looking at him. Clearing your throat you said, “I’m free for coffee.” You stopped, “But you have to wear the hat.”

“Wouldn’t leave home without it” he winked.

Suddenly you were shoved against him as your tipsy friends barreled back into the booth.

“We should probably join them” you said as you moved off him, pushing one of the leftover drinks towards him. He nodded and you both drank some more just to get on the same level as your friends.

“You two haven’t even danced! I saw you whispering. Too busy flirting?” Annette smiled as she slurred a few of her words. You just looked down, cheeks pink, leaving Benny to respond.

“How were you watching us when you were dancing with that guy, the one who looks like he’s only ever kissed his mother.”

“No, I’m sure he’s kissed other people! I mean he did seem young but...” Annette looked over to the guy she dragged to dance with her earlier. He stood sheepishly in the corner, looking like he hadn’t outgrown his baby fat yet, and was definitely not a city type. “He’s just shy!” She defended, but me and Benny just looked at each other, falling into giggles. You figured out that night that Annette was one of those drunks who got a little childish, but she was sweet.

You would’ve been content to keep hanging out with Benny, if it hadn’t been for Cleo who grabbed your hand and pulled you out to the dance floor. You looked back at Benny, but gave in and allowed her to twirl you into the crowd. You were having a good time with Cleo, Hilton and Arthur dancing on either side of her. You were soon out of breath, but didn’t mind, enjoying it all.

You had moved to the city a couple months ago, but hadn’t had time to make friends, focusing on your work and setting up your apartment. You missed having company, people who were fun and interesting.

You continued to move to the beat of the song until you bumped into someone. You looked back to see Benny smiling next to you. You smiled back and let him in to the little circle you and your friends had created. You felt a little warm, not from the dancing, but from being close to him.

After fifteen minutes you were all tired and made your way to the booth to gather all your things up and pay the bill. You walked out of the bar and into the chilly night air, grateful for the residual body heat that came from all the dancing. You hugged Cleo and your new friends goodbye as took turns getting into taxis and headed towards their homes. Hilton offered to wave you down a taxi too, but you declined, explaining that your home wasn’t a far walk. He shrugged and gave you another hug before climbing into the yellow car. Once again it was just you and Benny.

“Just the two of us again huh?” He spoke, and he definitely didn’t sound turned off by the idea.

“Fate I guess.”

“Sure” he said casually.

“Do you not believe in fate?” You asked. You weren’t a firm believer in the idea but something in his tone made you curious.

“I’ve had this debate before I think. I’m not sure, but I’d like to figure it out. How about you?” He said. You imagined him having a lot of debates. You had just met him, but he seemed to fall into the intellectual category. They always kept things interesting, and frequently offered new perspectives.

“I mean everything’s gotta mean something, there has to be a purpose. I just don’t know if we make our own purpose or if we’re given a purpose; fate.” You mused, not meaning to get existential. He didn’t seem to mind.

“You seem like the type to want to figure things out too.” He said ‘too’. So you and him both liked to do that. You added that to the growing list of things you liked about him.

“I guess I am.” He had a pleased look on his face and you just shrugged as you started to say goodbye.

“Wait” he grabbed your arm, “I heard you say you didn’t live far, I could walk you.” Before you could protest he told you, “it wouldn’t be a big deal, I heard you tell Hilton where you lived, we’re in the same direction.”

You agreed, finding yourself wanting to talk to him more. He offered you his arm casually and you laughed to yourself a little at the gesture, taking it anyway. You walked down the sidewalk, talking and laughing. You felt comfortable as you felt like you leveled with him. It seemed like too short of a walk as you suddenly found yourself at the door of your apartment building.

“Guess this is goodnight.” Benny said as you both stood on the sidewalk.

“What about coffee?” You asked.

“Glad you remembered. I’ll pick you up at twelve tomorrow, we can make it lunch. I’ll pick you up.” He said it decidedly, like it was just a fact. Something you noticed he did often.

“Ok then. Lunch. Tomorrow. Am I forgetting anything?” You said as you stepped halfway into the doorway.

“If you are we can figure that out later. I’ll see you.” He waved with a slight smile.

You waved back and smiled in return, watching him walk away before closing the door. You sped up to your apartment, letting yourself finally feel the excitement and anticipation of going out. You stripped off your clothing as soon as you got in and flopped on your bed, feeling sort of giddy. You felt like you and Benny were connected, though you had barely met him. As you laid down you smiled to yourself, looking forward to tomorrow.

#benny watts #benny watts x reader #the queen’s gambit #beth harmon #benny watts fanfiction #fan fiction

[littlenekosfan]

Friend - visual narrative

this is going to be a long thread bc i have a LOT of panels, so read under the cut!

since im reworking with Friend chapters panels, i paid attention to the details more than ever before.. and wow, the way these chapters are narrated is absolutely amazing

lets start off with my one of my fav panels

if there is a theme between these two that keep recurring it’s “duality” (whether when it comes to their character or the way their story is told) we will also find a lot of parallels with it.. this panel above starts it very well, one left, one right, they both call each other’s name, the expressions completely different, even the background is reversed

there we go again, all this in one chapter, i simply love how they have the same pose/image but reversed, its a really nice contrast with how different they are and yet are at the same level also, look at their speech bubbles, most of the time, jugram has a round one while bazz a sharper one, its the case here and the previous panels aswell

AGAIN! kubo gives us each’s pov with the same image/paneling, i love that method bc he treats them the same, even if one is stronger than the other and ppl will most likely root for/side with one more than the other, they both get the same treatment, also, we get to see how both lives the same struggle, it both conflicts them this whole fight considering the past they had together

the transition is also really nice, the black background outside the panel and the partial grey shading that matches with it inside the panel.. we will get to see that technique again, but here?? lovely.

a whole page not showing their face even if you guessed who they were, you get that little surprise with the face reveal which comes out really nice

the chapter reveal!!!! its so pure and empty (no dialogue and it’s only one panel), it perfectly empathize on the title and its meaning

i love how discreet bazz motive to help out jugo is shown here, obviously none of them would speak about it (jugo is pretty closed and bazz despite being loud, he isnt obnoxious and he’s smart) so it had to be shown without any words and these panels do it so well!

the first panel is just so beautiful and you can tell how jugo is just, happy. and then, the moment his uncle speaks, his face drastically changes, from white to black, kubo loves to work with that contrast of b&w (just look how the ritters/espadas are dressed vs shinigamis.. there is also the sun/moon theme and so on... its not called bleach for nothing lmao) kubo uses contrast very often and we can tell he loves to do it (and he does it super well!!)

i know we dont have any colour on these pages, but both pages are from the same chapter, first one (right) being their fist meeting on a normal day (probably an evening so the sky is orange ish) and the second page is again a jump to a flashback but this time it’s not the sky that we are shown in the last panel, but rather flames, the same colour as the day they met... the two last panels look the same but arent....

there is also the absence of facial expression in some panels, which imo conveys the mood much better, we are not left up to interpretation, we clearly know what kind of feelings that are expressed yet they didnt need to be shown...

again with the parallels (left/right) and using the same image from younger to older to show their growth? nice.

the built up with the grand reveal... wow, love it, also, that panel was such a surprise to me when i first read it... still give me goosebumps today ngl..(if you are a manga reader to likes to have the book, well, this the end of vol69... what an ending :))) just look at the build up, the bg is dark and you get that white and empty panel right after like, wow 

AGAIN WITH THE SUPRISE AND WOW IT HURTS, also the title being in capital... OOF, im going to loose it

ppl like to call kubo lazy with his titles, but is it?? i mean, here, i really cant think of a better title, remember how the first chapter friend was introduced? so sweet and smooth and then you get this... the fact friend is written here is a good call back to their relationship, what it is, what it really means, and the current situation

the way bazz recalls all the things he had heard about this.......th-that hurts (we’re like in his mind, we’re just as shocked as he is) also, it shows well how bazz recall all these moment in silence and does all the realization without saying a thing, bc no, he didnt say a thing ever since yhwach started to talk..

the left panel is yhwach talking (as he was for like the whole chapter) and there is no dialogue going on, the two boys didnt say a thing... as the slience was taking place, bazz breaks is with a shrieking voice, just looking how the letters are written in japanese, we went from pure, clear panel to a messy and dark one....

jump back to present, with both jugrams having the same pose but they both don’t convey the same feeling, with the shading and how cut it is (not being able to fully see jugo’s eyes) you can tell the first one is more disturbing/devastating than the second one

there we go... we get to see both of their expression at the same time and it change within the following panels,.. (im telling you, kubo love both of them, not just one.., both.)

this is one of my favorites moments, the way know bazz has lost his fight and how HE is self-conscious about it..., the way he monologues about jugram is really depressing, and how we are only given images that illustrates his struggle...the images are so strong, desperate and yet, his words are so empty, powerless, he knew he lost.. (the moment i start reading it, i cry on the fucking floor)

i mentioned earlier how i loved kubo’s choice in not showing the face, well we have it here again in a flashback and the end of the fight... jugram turning his back to bazz, he did it in the past and did it after bazz’ death..  it’s his way to avoid to face his feelings. (the fact we are shown he did it in the past and the reason to it, let us know why he did it again even later)

here again with empty panels, the fact it’s only bazz who is talking.... feels really heavy and the way he clings to jugram with burning hands....... you really need to look at every panel carefully to feel that heart wrenching moment,, there is no crying or screaming, he just softly admits his defeat and that’s it, like, im sorry but that’s fucking sorrowful

here again with kubo choosing to not show the face, but in this case, it’s harder for us to tell which expression jugram has (since he’s so closed about showing emotions or his intentions) but the fact kubo deliberately chose to hide it proves jugram has something to hide from us, something he didnt want us (readers) to see.........

these panels? concludes their story perfectly you have jugram walking up the stairs leaving bazz-b alone laying behind, being reminded of the day they met where bazz was the one standing high while jugram is on the ground the setting: the cold empty castle during nighttime vs the warm summer day met in a forest at daytime bazz reached to jugram and jugram left him behind, they met with touched hearts only to leave with empty ones, bazz used to look down on jugram and now, jugram does, they used to be so different and still do but only now, their role are inverted...

thank you @equipollency​ for that remark! i think your post does it much better if yall wanna read it !

i mentioned earlier how the background (outside the panel) would change from black to white, we know the black means the past,  but i love how its broken here, going back and forth from the past and present (within the same page) to show how things are still the same between them, the same struggle, the same fight over and over

also, the “not yet” is just so perfectly placed, i cant, it just emphasize even more on my point earlier (how things between them never changed on that matter)  and it finally concludes the flashbacks (with the way it’s presented: the b&w,, and the words themselves, how they weight so much)

the black shading like that is rarely used with kubo but when he does, you know it conveys extreme emotions (we didnt get to see it with bazz bc it wasnt as intense as jugram has it but also)  the trigger to these emotions for jugram are related to trauma, the first one being his uncle and the second being his friendship (im not calling his relation with bazz traumatic, its how important this relationship was to him and how ended up broken that triggers him)

but NaKi ThErE iS ThiS pAneL wHerE baZz Is ShaDeD bLacK! yes i know, but it’s not about bazz expression nor emotions, its about the scene, the situation (the white bg vs the black silhouette: perfect), so no it doesnt count, but its still a very nice panel just like with the jugo’s reveal with everyone “kneeling” to him.. white bg was The way to go

i forgot to talk about how i like their fight, how there is so little dialogue and how there are a lot of empty pages just to let place to the fight... it lets you enjoy their fight while we suffer with their flashback, anyways, im not a fan of endless dialogue in fights unless it really changes something, here, they both already know each other and they know what they want, so it was a good pick to just, us reader, witness their story through their mind instead of them narrating/recalling it to us

i know kubo uses that technique outside of these chapters, but the grey shading... i love.. he also has a LOT of close ups with eyes bc we all know how expressive eyes are;... i love that too

i know i talked about some facial expressions, but really, kubo’s art is amazing, the way he can convey certain expressions that are so precise... here, have some panels that i think are underrated naki your boys are underrated.. bc i love kubo’s art so much

i had the chance to see the colored version only once, and to be honest, the black and white is just, Amazing. nothing close to that, kubo’s use of b&w and how he keeps his panels pure is MADE to stay that way

anyways, im really in love with how Friend was made and thought out in it’s visual narrative (and story wise too ofc), kubo didnt just do a side story, these chapters are fucking amazing and ppl often ignores that sadly..

#bleach #jugram haschwalth #bazz b #Friend #naki using her brain #ok so tumblr was a dick and deleted some part of that fjhdf #i hope i didnt miss anything... #oh well #guess ill just add it later lmao #im simping hard for these chapters yes shut up

[fipindustries]

list of comics i made so far

i already shared the list of all the novels i tried to write throughout my llife so i see no reason why not to do the same with the comics i tried to work on. no i should clarify, with my lists of novels there was a clear cut distinction between what was a novel and a short story so to parse one from the other was an easy task. it should be known that i wrote hundreds of shorts stories that i havent shared with anyone. now a similar situation occurs with my comics, i have done hundreds upon hundreds of little comics, short jokes, little skits and short lived strips through my life, so in order to give this list some weight and not make it longer than the bible the criteria i used was that it had to be something i did on a regular basis or that tells a self contained story with a beggining middle and end.

now without further ado, lets begin!

spike Vanderville (age 7)

you can tell i was way more into comics than i was into novels from a young age. done with pen and folded paper, it was the story about a young kid called spike, whose design was heavily inspired by bradley from sticking around, who had magical powers which allowed him to manipulate reality. it was a mix of harry potter and a series of illustrates short stories that came in a magazine in argentina. his best friend was a scarecrow with a pumpkin head that he had brought to life, his archnemesis was a fat bully.

curiously enough i was so passionate about this project even though i had no idea what i was doing and no talent that i actually did like three full colored issues of it. my family was really proud of me. sadly those comics are completly lost to time

andrew and the monkey (age 10)

this was the classical story about a boy and his best friend the talking animal. one page comedy strips done in pen and paper. nothing too clever, just a way for me to try lame jokes mostly stolen from spongebob squarepants. not much else to it. i tried to do like a revamp in 2014 but it was short lived, as you can see the jokes didnt get any less lame

FIP industries (age 17)

mostly done in digital. yes as you can see fip is something that has followed me my whole life in quite the variety of mediums. there were as a matter of fact multiple attempts to make this comic a real thing but time and again they would peter off as i saw that my skill was just not up to the task. i think i have talked more than enough about fip industries on this blog, one interesting thing is that if you follow the link you will come across a lot of proto ideas that i had before they cemented and took their definite shape in the novel (and even after the novel i kept retconning and retooling things over and over again, fip industries is an ongoing thing that will probably last my entire lifetime)

Disregarding Reality I (age 20)

the first iteration of disregarding reality, a humorous strip done in pencil and paper, a fairly short lived affair, lasting no more than 3 months. the entire premise of the comic was an MRA activist and a feminist live together, they are friends, they argue a lot. remember 2013 guys? back when this whole politics bullshit truly kicked off online? this was before gamer gate, mind you. but by that point i had seen more than enough of it on tumblr and i was like “someone should do some scathing commentary with wit and penache” and that someone had to be me. mainly inspired by commics like f@nboys and el goonish hive and a thousand billion others that were so popular back in those halcyon days.

i got bored of it pretty quickly and it wouldnt be until three years later than i would finally decide to re-start the project but until then...

Strangers in the forest (age 21)

here comes a rather productive era in my ouvre, ink and paper, based on a short story i wrote, its about an eldritch monster pretending to be human and a ghost girl, killed by her father. they have a dispute because the monster wants to eat the corpse of the girl but the ghost doesnt want to give up her bones because its the one thing that tethers her to the mortal plane. they eventually resolve their dispute. by this point i was actually, unironically trying my best to do comics which i felt looked professional.

Song of a nightmare (age 21)

another one based on a short story i wrote. ink and paper, a private detective wakes up in the middle of the night and sees a mermaid lying in bed next to him. he spends most of the comic trying to figure out how the hell is this possible. still one of my favourite ones and certainly one of my family’s and friends favourites as well. a rather poetic tale, strongly inspired by argentinian fiction and their propensity towards magical realism, i was reading a lot of cortazar back then.

Aika (age 21)

as you can tell i was on a fucking roll that year. ink and paper, this was a story based upon a simple and basic idea that i had in my mind for years and years. i always liked the concept behind the movie “the kid” where bruce willis mysteriously comes across himself as a kid. so of course one day i came up with the idea, what if you recieved a visit from your future self... but she was a woman?

this is probably the most aggresively trans story i ever wrote in my life, it is literally about a guy realizing they are trans and breaking down over it. here is the giant kicker, i did not realize at all what i was doing. i was completly unaware of what was going on here, i was still deep deep in the closet and not even realizing i was there. it really is astounding the honesty and the rawness with which i wrote this comic and it went all over my head. a perfect example of “im such a great ally lol”

oh also there is time travel i guess. my main impetus (beyond whatever my subconcious was forcing me to do) was my desire to make a complete clusterfuck of a story, i was a huge fan of homestuck, i had read fleek and demon, i wanted to do my own take on a hypercomplicated time travel puzzle plot. other things came out on top of it but i didnt noticed them. fucking hilarious

Hello Agatha (age 21)

a comedic strip about a wacky pixie dream girl having wacky adventures with her wacky friends, one of which is a man with a toilet for a head. what a gut buster, what a knee slapper!

there is not much to say about this one, wacky surreal comedy was always my favourite and so time and again i would try my hand at it but it is surprisingly hard to do!

The /co/ ventures! (age 20 - age25)

an ongoing project done in multiple mediums. i think i said more than enough about this in here and here. it was me practiscing comics, practiscing my humor and adding my tiny grain of sand to the 4chan culture. i am proud to say these comics were actually very well liked there and that i would be recognized without a name or signature of any kind, just on the strength of my style.

the vest kind of madness (age 22)

probably one of the projects in which i put the biggest amount of effort to make it look professional. traditional inks and digital colors. a crossover that i cant believe never happened in comics considering how obvious it is. Rac Shade, the changing man and delirium of the endless, the two flagship vertigo characters associated with madness. clearly a match made in heaven.

to this day im flabbergasted i seem to be the only one to think of this.

Disregarding Reality II (age 23)

another work where i have already spilled rivers of bytes explaining my thought process behind it. after having a no good, terrible, very bad day, finding my self aimless and without purpose, deep in denial and depression, i decided to give my self a big project to have something to get me out of bed every day. these three guys came from the depths of my mind to save me.

this time leaning a lot more on silly humor and surrealism than political commentary, still insanely proud of how much i managed to make this last, almost three years, well over 200 pages! and in here i found the inspiration and the creative energy to tackle all sorts of diverse projects of which we are about to see all about.

Mama Bird (age 24)

my masterpiece.

by far the best comic i ever did. a kid with a bird for a mom. hilarious, touching, heartbreaking. it was a concept that i had come up with when i was 21. back then it was supposed to be exclusively a humorous comic strip but then i found a dramatic angle for the story and that was when everything clicked into place. that was when i realized this was a comic i had to do. and i did it. it took me five months but it was well worth it. still insanely proud of this one

Soft boys (age 25)

a weird experimental little story where i decided to sit down and deconstruct one of the most popular superpowers. super elasticity. more akin to me just mashing my toys against each other than me trying to tell a serious story. i am actually really happy with some of the art here and some of the sequences presented. particularly the final one where a brick joke twenty pages in the making finally pays off.

Hexen Snatch (age 25)

a semi spinoff to my novel FIP industries, we focus on a side character that managed to survive after the events of the novel and how they’ll manage to survive further beyond that. insanely soaked by the magical world of pact by widbow i wanted desperatly to share my own take on magic, every page is accompanied by a little text where i expand upon the lore and the way magic is supposed to work on this world. i really like the prose on those snippets and the ideas they work almost more that the comic itself with which i was not happy at all when i was working on it. i didnt like the character design, i didnt like how the art in general was coming out, i didnt like the pacing of the story or how superficially we were getting to expore this world in the comic proper. i had to take a very long hiatus just to accumulate the will to finish the comic and once i did i feel it really petered off without much of a satisfying payoff.

on some level i blame the exhaustion and frustration that i came out of this comic with for the fact that i ended up quitting disregarding reality soon afterwards.

Maxplosive (age 26)

another project that has followed me across multiple mediums. came up with an idea for a videogame back in 2015. saved it on the back pocket for a while, used it as a story within a story on my novel fan.tastic, practisced a couple of animations with the characters and eventually decided that, if my skills at videogame making were not enough, i had at least more than poven myself as a comic artist so maybe that was the definitive medium in which this idea would have to exist.

the original idea was to tell the story in two parts, the first half would introduce the character and the videogame as if the comic was a playthrough of the game. all fun and childlike and innocent. then the second half was meant to explore the life of the main character as an adult, how being “a videogame protagonist” had ruined her body, her mental health and her life. i tried all sorts of weird stuff with the format here, using reciclable assets, static camera angles and generally presenting the whole thing as if it was a videogame.

sadly the project got too big for my breaches, i was fucking exhausted back then, swamped with a bunch of other projects, my job, other responsabilities, unsatisfied with the story and with no idea where to take it. eventually i got tired, decided to skip a day, then the day became a week and then the week became a month and by then i had to face the facts, i was just no longer able to continue the comic. and so i quit not only maxplosive but disregarding reality all together.

i still did the occasional comic here and then but it wouldnt be until the very end of 20-fucking-20 that i was finally inspired to tackle a new project, my newest one, my last one....

Lapsarian (age 27)

an interesting experiment, i decided to do the whole comic in one sit and then post it chapter by chapter on a weekly basis. a surprising result of this was that i managed to do in one month the same amoung of pages that would have taken me 5 months back when i started disregarding reality, is good to see that after al this time i still got it.

took me a while to get the hang of it again and find my own style once more but once i armed up it was smooth sailing for 40 pages all the way to the end. but what is this comic even about?

its... weird, with full disclosure and no shame, it is mostly a fetish story about big lizard creatures commiting vore. the milkman had already shown me that i could do those types of stories and no lighting would come from the heavens to strike me down so i said, why not as a comic? i like to think that beyond the fetish content it is still a decent story in its own right, an interesting feedback that i got from this is that people are suprised how earnest it is, one saying something like “this is the best pitch for a fetish that i was never interested in”

Conclussion:

looking back on this im surprised, turns out i was a lot more prolific and working a lot more regularly than i expected, in here are documented ten years of creative output that never seems to wane. it was fun to do the roundabout trip and see how my style, my technice and generally my work ethic evolved through the years. another nice thing to see is the multiple formats, the multiple tools and mediums i experimented with, i find myself constantly trying new things, new methods, new angles, new interesting ideas for how to make a comic (without even getting into what to make a comic about).

something i always knew about myself was that drawing is a fundamental part of who i am, it is something that just cant be taken away from me and that will always be a part of my life one way or the other, is good to see it so plainly, in black and white, on this list. here goes for what i might be able to do in the future

#art #writing #fip living life

[fandom-collective-writers]

Reader x Jihyun Kim {MysMes} - Letters to Heal a Broken Heart

Title: Letters to Heal a Broken Heart Fandom: Mystic Messenger Character: Jihyun Kim Genre: bittersweet? romance Warnings: spoilers for his good ending!  Intended Gender Audience: Neutral Audience  Word Count: 2040 words POV: second person Other comments: no smut but im proud of this! please note that everything with the push back is a letter! i think its pretty clear, but i wanted to make sure it’s understood <3 Written by: @mythiica​ Req: 

Dear –

I’ll admit, it feels a bit strange writing a letter for you, but my therapist recommended it. He told me to explain my emotions with words, saying it would help me become more confident. 

See, the reasoning behind it, at least from what I remember, is that there is no pressure to think quickly. Writing allows a flow, a sense of movement between the words before you pick which one you wish to use. Talking is different because it follows a completely contrasting rhythm. To keep a conversation going, you have to speak rather quickly so the person stays engaged in the topic. 

It’s all really interesting, and my therapist has given me a book over the fundamentals of other practices like this. I read half of it on the plane to Japan. 

To clarify, I’m writing this from my hotel room in Tokyo. I landed a few hours ago and the jet lag has yet to hit me, so I decided to take advantage of this time to write. 

I think you’d like it here – the sakura are in full bloom and I have three days dedicated to photographing the sea of pinks as they ripple in the wind. Until now, I’ve only seen pictures of the famous parks, and I never thought that I would be able to witness them in person. 

I didn’t think I’d

I never conside

Ah, I should mention, I’m not allowed to erase or cross out sentences I start. Another confidence booster? It’s a bit sillier, but it’s meant to force me to say what is on my mind, rather than letting it fester. I’ll try again: 

During my years under Mint Eye, my vision was narrowed, and I had only one duty. However, I am learning to broaden my horizons and expand my mind to encompass everything. The urge to explore bubbles in my chest, waiting for the moment to come out. There are so many chances to do anything, and I’ve got all the time to do all of it. 

I’ve also realized that I went over my word limit. I have to stick to 300 words or under. Confidence booster #3! Express yourself with less words. Take a guess of how many times I’ve opened the thesaurus, looking for better synonyms for words? At least seven times in the past five minutes. It’s crazy! 

For now, I’ll sign this off and try better next time. 

                                                 よりご多幸を祈って

                                                           Jihyun Kim

PS, I’m practicing my Japanese! That says best wishes… I think. 

नमस्कार

Hello and greetings from India! I took a long nap on the plane, and forgot to write. Although I’m only passing through, I ate some delicious food (that I should really try to replicate for you). India is absolutely beautiful – from the sunrises to the bustling markets to the colorful fabrics hung at every corner. I’ll inhale the air and smell six things at once, albeit, not all of them are the best, but I embrace it nonetheless. 

More about what I’ve been doing: funnily enough, my phone died on the bus ride, but I made a new friend named Sunmi, and she was kind enough to lend me her charging cable. Instead of ending the interaction there, we spoke for a few hours at least. I learned she was traveling with her friends on a photography excursion. She gave me all the information, and I’d like to look into it when I have wifi again. 

You wouldn’t believe what they’ve seen! Last year they went to Antarctica through South America. She got to pet a penguin! Apparently the company also takes people to Greenland and New Zealand – some places I’ve been dreaming of visiting since I was a young boy. 

I’ll use my last 100 words to mention that… I’ve gotten a bit homesick. I miss the RFA – well, the people from the RFA minus… 

Don’t tell Jumin about the company though, he’ll insist on flying me around with his private jet. I want to experience for myself. Saeyoung is somehow messaging me when I don’t have service? I don’t… understand. Anyways, I also saw Zen landed a huge international role (someone had a magazine on the plane). Otherwise, I hope Jaehee and Yoosung are well. And Elizabeth the 3rd of course. Send them my wishes. 

I didn’t forget about you though! The keychain you gave me reminds me of home every day. It might have lost an eye, but I found a button and stitched it on. And I also wanted to ask you–

Ah, I’m over again. 

Next time. 

                                                           Jihyun Kim

Iyi günler! I am in Turkey now and actually writing this on a boat. The sun is setting over the horizon, making the sky change colors with every passing minute. It’s breathtaking, but I wish you were here with me. The other passengers and I take turns standing at the front of the boat, and I sometimes linger, trying to take pictures. 

Good news! My vision is getting better. I’ve been taking some Greek herbal remedies, and the seem to be helping. Either that, or they have a wonderful placebo effect. Has that ever happened to you? To think something is working, but you’re just imagining things? 

I apologize, maybe that stirred bad memories for you. 

Back to Turkey: I stepped out of my comfort zone and spent a night camping. Honestly? I was terrified of doing so, but now I want to do it every night. It is the perfect temperature for hiking, even though I am a bit sunburned. 

So many people have been commenting on my hair. Good things mostly, and I started styling it with a bit of gel to keep it out of my eyes. It feels good to look people directly rather than through a curtain. 

What are you up to? Hosting anymore parties? I imagine that you are keeping busy, as always of course. My therapist said it would be best to wait messaging you until I return home. I nearly called you a week ago, but I didn’t want to break my vow. It’s like lying to myself, and I know better than that now. 

Still, it doesn’t stop me from dreaming. 

                                                           Sending love, 

                                                                     J

I’m genuinely angry, but writing to you always calms me. Someone stole my bag – I luckily didn’t have much in it, but your keychain… can you make me a new one please? Now that I don’t have it, it’s almost like I’ve lost a part of you. It hurts a lot, but then I wonder if I am being silly. It’s just a keychain. 

Otherwise, France is nice. I didn’t want to go to Paris, so instead I traveled through the countryside to visit a few wineries. 

Yes, I did… drink a bit, but I wasn’t impaired when my bag was stolen! 

You would laugh at me if I told you what happened, so I will save the story for another time. Before coming to France, I went through Germany and visited some of the most beautiful castles I’ve ever seen. They all looked like they could be straight from a fantasy movie set, and I was convinced one – Neuschwanstein Castle – actually was. 

I’ve barely written anything despite so much happening. 

I got a haircut (finally), because it was becoming a hassle to tie it back at night. 

One evening, I fed some stray cats and they followed me home. 

And a drunk (?) tried to play cards with me. But he didn’t have cards. He was dealing an imaginary deck. 

Other stories will have to wait until I see you again, and I feel better now. It’s okay to be upset, but it won’t hinder my trip any more. 

                                                           Je t'aime, 

                                                                     Jihyun

Alaska doesn’t have a night. 

That’s not exactly true, but it’s basically true. The hotel has special curtains that block the light, and it is only dark for a few hours. 

It has been many miles since I last wrote, but I was caught up in visiting show after event after party after exhibit through America. Their art has given me a new perspective on point of view and emotions, so I hope that the ten camera chips I’ve filled with photographs will be able to convey the same sense of awe. 

I’ve also been mistaken for an idol? Like – multiple times. Interesting to say the least, maybe I’ll say yes to the next person that asks. What should my stage name be? I’ll spare you the embarrassment and not share my ideas. They are all very silly and no one would believe me if I told them my name was Cam Ra. Do you get it? It’s bad, I know. 

I’ll be returning home soon, unless I get distracted or impulsive and go down to California and Hawaii before coming back. I want to – it doesn’t feel right to return just yet. But that doesn’t mean anything about you! 

Really, I think about you and everyone else each day. 

Have you met new people? We’ll exchange so many stories… 

                                                           See you soon, 

                                                                     J K 

You pace around, waiting for the last guest on the list to appear. The party started an hour ago, but he still has not arrived. Then again, it has been three months since anyone heard a whisper from V, and you start to lose hope. Swallowing hard, you remind yourself that V is having a wonderful time exploring the world and finding himself. 

          Taking a handful of your dress, you turn and head through the doors to the main room. Jumin tries to pull Saeyoung away from Longcat, Yoosung explains his most recent surgeries to a group of nurses from his work place, and Jaehee receives many compliments for her majestic cake. 

         Everyone is happy and has moved on. 

         You hope V has too. 

         Maybe all the wishing and praying finally paid off, because you hear his familiar voice calling out behind you. It’s a long shot, but you turn around nonetheless, thinking it is a different guest. 

         Instead, you see Jihyun, wearing the most dazzling smile you’ve ever seen, running towards you. He’s carrying a folder filled with papers, but that doesn’t stop him from embracing you. He smells rugged, like his voyage has transformed him, but you rather like it. 

         “Jihyun!” You melt against his hug. “You’re.. Here… you’re here!” 

         Your squealing draws everyone’s attention, but he focuses on you and only you. “Of course I’m here. I missed you more than I can verbalize.” 

         His stance is open, welcoming, and confident, much different from two years ago. He is a different person now, brave and proud. Jihyun offers you the folder. It is strange to gift something in the middle of a party, but you accept it anyways, happy he has returned. 

         Jihyun’s heart races as he explains. “I wrote you letters every time I went somewhere new. These are just a few of them, really I have so many. But each shows something I’ve learned.” He takes a breath and laces his fingers with yours. “This is sudden, and I’m sure you will need time to think about it, but I’m trying something new: asking without being afraid. Over the past two years, I’ve… longed for you. Art has shown me the power of friendship, joy, perseverance, and most importantly, dedication. I want to dedicate my art to you, if you’ll stand by my side.” 

         You can’t find the words to express yourself because you are so awestruck. He truly has changed, but he has embraced himself and his life. Tears start to roll down your cheeks from the overwhelming surge of emotions. Jihyun brushes them away and presses his forehead to yours. 

         “I still have much to learn, but I want to do it all with you.” 

         “I’d like that a lot, Jihyun,” you whisper, captivated by his intense gaze. 

         “And I can finally say this without fear–” 

         You tip your head up, and Jihyun kisses you the next moment. His lips are chapped and the warmth radiating from his skin envelops you. He doesn’t need words to communicate it, because you understand perfectly what he is trying to say. 

#mysmes #mystic messenger #mysmes v #mysmes jihyun #jihyun kim

[thegeminisage]

hey liz i've been thinking a lot about story structure lately and i wanted your take on how you decide what structure your stories will have? i know there's that "you have to do what your story needs and tells you to do" thing but these bitches dont ever tell me anything they just multiply so. thoughts? - bma

(as an aside, i don't know whether involving medium would change many things but it may be worth considering. mainly i think medium is just a matter of arrangement and that the story would be for most intents and purposes the same no matter how you choose to tell it. i guess you could argue that structure is arrangement in itself and intrinsically tied to medium but i sort of feel like it is secondary arrangement, if at all? like if you consider time as an element to outline -- the time IN the story (how things happen to your characters) is not necessarily the time you’re telling the story IN (how you are telling your reader that things are happening) aka internal chronology doesnt equal your work’s pacing? or should it??? does this make sense? i dont think so. i am sorry.) - bma :|

NOOO dont be sorry ur making total sense

i think there’s 3 thots to unpack here (medium, structure, & chronology) & i’m gonna start with medium bc it’s easier. im also putting it behind a cut bc it’s gonna get just stupidly long and rambly. i’m sorry in advance if it’s not helpful to you, i have a lot to say for someone who has never taken even one single class on writing and as a result doesn’t know jack shit (there’s a tl;dr at the end dont worry)

about MEDIUM: 

so like ok i’m just some goof-off with a HS degree who writes fanfiction but In My Very Super Qualified Personal Opinion, i don’t think that most of the time medium is intrinsically tied to STRUCTURE of the main storytelling arc...i think the art of storytelling itself is distinct from the medium you choose to tell the story IN. this post puts it better than i ever could but basically for me, i feel like the story itself is sort of the raw, malleable concept, and the medium you choose to tell it in is how you convey the information??

like in a book, you can say “she forgot her keys” and in a film you have to show her smacking her forehead, heading back into the house, and swiping her keeps off the counter. you can’t TELL in film, you have to show. similarly i regret every day i cannot perfectly describe a facial expression with words when i see it so clearly in my head. for audio-only podcasts that are dialogue heavy out of necessity you have different limitations than you would for, say, animated music videos with no dialogue at all. games allow for more interactivity and exploration while sacrificing accessibility, tv shows allow for more length while sacrificing, uh, a big hollywood budget...medium affects the kind of story you can reasonably tell which is why some stories are better suited to one medium than another. i think trying things in other mediums is a good way to stretch your storytelling muscles but with enough skill nearly any story could be told in any medium. i think when trying to decide on a medium you just gotta weigh the pros & cons and what you feel comfortable with/what you think would be most effective/what would evoke the strongest reaction

re: structure:

firstly “do what the story tells u to do” is a little silly like...the story isn’t sentient. come on. that’s like “i can only write when the writing gods inspire me” there are no writing gods! inspire yourself! it’s all in our weird messed up brains! ok anyway.

this is, again, just how i do things, and i am 700% self-taught so take it with a grain of salt, but when i sit down and start blocking out a story from scratch i don’t...actually consider the big structure at all! sorry if that’s not helpful to you. i like to make a list of everything i want to happen, and then put it together in a few different orders to see what looks best. and when i’m finished, whatever i have just like...IS the structure i go with, with perhaps minor tinkering to make it flow more smoothly. (i think this might be in the same spirit as “do what the story tells you” with less bullshit and more Agency Of The Writer.)

for long and more complex projects, i actually usually have several lists - one list of stuff that is, for example, the Action Plot (the kingdom has been cursed, i’m tracking down my serial killer sister to bring her to justice, i’m running from djinn who wanna kill my dad, i’m trying to bring my dead not-boyfriend back to life). then i have another list for Character A & Character B’s romance or whatever. and maybe a even another one for solo character development (magicphobic prince learns to love magic, former werewolf hunter figures out his family is a cult, half-demon learns to embrace his own nature). and as many lists as we need for however many Main Characters and or Plots/Sideplots

how i order the lists: individually first. don’t mix them together to start with. when deciding the order of an individual list i like to, for example in a romance arc, use escalating intimacy. “A and B have dinner together” is naturally gonna go way sooner than “A and B kiss” or “A and B talk about A’s angsty backstory” because that’s more satisfying. draw it out, good/important stuff last, dangle that carrot so we have a reason to keep reading! for singular character development, it’s basically a straightforward point A to point B...if i want my guy to start hating magic with everything he is and end up being very comfortable with it, i have to put “reluctantly uses magic to save his own life” WAYYY before “casually using magic to light torches and reheat his cold stew.” 

the tricky part for me is when i’m done with these lists and then i need to mix them together To Pace My Whole Story. (this is usually why i wind up with a rainbow colored spreadsheet.) i don’t like to put too many things too close together because then the pace feels uneven. even if my Action Plot is only a thinly veiled excuse for romance and character development, i still don’t want to focus on a romance for 30,000 words and then go “and oh yeah in case you forgot Serial Killing Sister is still coming for your asses.” the more sideplots and major character arcs you’re juggling the harder it is to get an even distribution, which is my main concern always

and like, generally, whatever i have when i’m finished...is my structure. (sorry.) 

i don’t know much about the classic 3-act or anything like that, but i usually can divide them up into 3-5 big arcs based on story turning points. sometimes i take a scene out of one arc and put it in another because it fits better and i like for my shit to be organized, but usually by the time i’m finished with all that, that’s what the final story is mostly gonna look like. (there have been a few exceptions when i realized i needed extra scenes/changes while i was MID-DRAFT and let me tell you that murders me EVERY time. it happened on the merlin fic i’m currently posting and that was like my own personal hell.)

this is also where thots about chronology come in:

i think time CAN be an element of this if you WANT it to be, but it doesn’t HAVE to be. if you want it to be, i would consider it just another “list” like character development or the romance arc. 

i usually plot without considering Time very much...to me, it’s all down to the events you want to show, and however much time it takes is the byproduct. if you want to show something from a character’s chilhood but then tell the bulk of it when they’re adults, that’s one thing. if you want to show a scene from their childhood, teenhood, young adulthood, etc, that’s a different kind of pacing?? i usually do it this way so i can regard time like wordcount: it takes as long as it takes. 3 days or 3 years, a 1.5k drabble or a 100k epic...overall, my LARGEST CONCERN is that even distribution. in the same way that i don’t want one chapter to be 30,000 words when the rest are 10,000 words, i personally am not a fan of huge timeskips offscreen

(because this where i think someone’s own internal chronology DOES matter...this is just a personal preference, as a reader i have a hard time really comprehending, say, a year timeskip or a 10yr timeskip when all i did was turn one page. like, a year is such a long time. i can’t even begin to describe how different i am now to how i was a year ago. it’s the same for character development. time IS development and as a writer i’m not really comfortable having that take place offscreen - for main characters, at least. it’s just too jarring. a little prologue with something happening 10 or 20 years ago is usually fine, but for the most part, i’m not a fan. ...i can do one chapter per year a lot easier than i can do two chapters in childhood and the other 8 in adulthood. of course you can play with this a LOT with nonlinear storytelling, which is a whole other very cool thing, and someone skilled in their work can keep me sucked in no matter what, but imo if you don’t want to risk throwing your reader out of your work it’s better to keep things steady)

HOWEVER sometimes time IS an element u wanna consider outside of just making sure your shit is evenly distributed...if your heart is moved to tell a story in a specific timeframe, over a year, or from solstice to solstice (this was almost the timeline for my merlin fic and then i changed it), for the first six months of a friendship, or even a huge journey in the span of a single day (toby fox had a lot of success with this one lol).

i think it can help to choose a start and end point for your chronology the same way you do for character development (prince goes from hating magic to being ok with it, story takes place from ages 8 to 25, or from new year’s eve 2038 to 2039, whatever) - that way you can keep your distribution even, if that’s a thing you want to do...even if you have a lot of skips you can still note what happens offscreen to make it work better in your head? like, if you just make it another List, another column on your spreadsheet, when you’re in the early stages of organizing you can be conscious of it and make sure it’s playing into the story the way you want it to

anyway these r my thots im SOOOO SORRY this is so long lmao. brain machine broke today which is why i had to ramble more to explain myself. the tl;dr in case ur brain is melting out of ur ears & u didn’t sign up for an essay:

imo medium is totally distinct from storytelling tho ofc some stories are better suited to some mediums

structure? i don’t know her. i plot w/o regard to structure and then if it looks funny i mush it into a more structurally sound shape

my main concern when structuring anything, including time, is an even distribution of Events and a steady rate of escalation

structure to me is just what i have when i’m finished plotting. i’m sorry one day i’m gonna take a writing class

internal chronology matters to me personally because i have a little bit of time blindness but maybe not to everyone, i know many very successful stories where they disregarded that entirely to no ill effect

writer’s block isn’t real! everyone just needs more rainbow spreadsheets

thank u for asking I HOPE i didn’t make you regret it too badly lmao and that at least a little of it was helpful!! 

#personal #liz loves writing #liz answers asks #brit marling anon #i couldn't figure out how to answer u without walking u thru my entire process #so that's what i did and that's why it's so long. very sorry. #im gonna set this up to reblog itself at the time u sent ur ask so that ur sure to see it!! #edit: there was SUPPOSED to be a cut on this but tumblr put it in the ASK?? i can't seem to fix it. rip

[cassoliver]

new york’s very own cassandra “cass” oliver was spotted on broadway street in reebok club c 85 vintage shoes . your resemblance to  sydney sweeney is unreal . according to tmz , you just had your  twenty-first  birthday bash . while living in nyc ,  you’ve been labeled as being  naive  , but also compassionate . i guess being a  pisces  explains that . 3 things that would paint a better picture of you would be exposed tan lines , loud laughter , and only ever wearing gold jewelry  . ( i slept with one of my co-stars while we were shooting on location, not knowing they had a significant other back home )  &  ( cis-female & she / her  )

lia takes on a second character TAKE TWO whAT is up you guys , it’s ya girl back at it again with another muse . i randomly got a lot of inspiration for this new girly pop and i feel p good about it ! go ahead and smash that mf like button if you wanna plot ! i can slide into your ims or on discord if that’s more your jam !

S T A T S ↴

– * FULL NAME : cassandra rosemary oliver – NICKNAME(S) : cass ( commonly referred as ), cassie – * AGE : twenty-one – * D.O.B : march 16th – * ZODIAC : pisces – * GENDER : cis-female –* ORIENTATION : bisexual biromantic – * HEIGHT : 5′4″ – * NATIONALITY : american – * BIRTHPLACE : asbury park , new jersey – * OCCUPATION : student + actress – * TRAITS : compassionate, creative, intuitive, gentle, empathetic, fun-loving, naive, whimsical, loyal, subservient, overly emotional, pensive, fearful, overly trusting

B I O G R A P H Y ↴

   you’d have to be living under a rock to not know jeremy and elizabeth marie oliver . think brad pitt and angelina jolie , will smith and jada pinkett , or whatever other celebrity IT couple you fancy . jeremy is notoriously known for his acting career that took off in the late 80′s . around the same time , elizabeth marie’s acting / modeling career was taking off across the pond . the iconic duo met through work and quickly fell in love . after their over the top wedding ceremonies ( yes plural . they got married once in jeremy’s hometown in new jersey and then again in elizabeth marie’s hometown in england ). shortly after their holy matrimony , they produced three healthy babies : mason , samuel , and cassandra . there were a few years in between the kiddos , but they were all raised in a tight knit family outside of the limelight in asbury park , new jersey . their parents decided to take a break from working in order to raise their kids . i wish i could say that gave the oliver trio a normal childhood . but it’s kind of hard to go to public school and not draw attention to yourself when your parents are household names . it was hard for cassandra to understand that her parents were super famous and for some reason that meant something to people . if you asked her , there was no reason to get all starstruck over her parents . they were just people after all .

    so i guess you could say she had a normal childhood . at least , as normal as one could have with their name and photos constantly plastered all over tabloids . cassandra grew up in a happy and loving environment , which is nice . and with her dad working part time as a professor at his alma mater , juilliard , she and her family bounced back and forth between their coastal home in new jersey and their urban townhouse in new york . and she throughly enjoyed experiencing the best of both worlds . both places felt like home to her and she and her brothers made the best memories together . see , her brothers were her best friends growing up . mason and samuel were five (5) and three (3) years older than her , respectively , and she followed them around everywhere they went . the two boys let her reluctantly at first when mom and dad forced them to but over time it became enjoyable to have her be just another member of their friend group . cassandra was well liked and throughly protected by her brothers and their friends . they shielded her away from all things dangerous : from substances to rude people . this led to a pretty sheltered upbringing . she lived in this little bubble where things were all good all the time .

   as she got older , she had to learn to fend for herself a bit more . no longer was she under the watchful gaze of her brothers , for they had rushed into graduating high school early so that they could pursue their own acting careers-- following in line with their infamous parents . having the oliver last name gave them an advantage in the film industry and they ran with that opportunity . meanwhile , cassandra stayed back and took her time . acting was always something she was interested in . there’s no way she could be a member of her household and not dabble in the art at least a little bit . but it wasn’t a top priority to her for a long time . she didn’t want to rely on her family name to get her somewhere in the industry . if she was going to do it , she wanted to do it right . she wanted to earn her place just like anybody else . and if it worked out for her then great ! and if it didn’t , well she prepared a back-up plan . she elected to go to NYU for business instead of studying acting or just bypassing college all together . she figured if all else failed , then she’d start her own company and branch out of the creative arts .

  and she took her college career very seriously . she’s studious and hard-working , genuinely enjoying learning new things and having a ‘ normal college experience ’. even though people still look at her funny or talk about her behind her back once they figure out why she looks so gosh darn familiar , she’s come to find that college students are much more chill than the kids that used to bombard her with questions about her famous family on the play ground . most days , cassandra gets by feeling like a completely normal girl . no fame or fortune , just a regular schemgular student trying to get by . and she’d probably gotten away with just melting into the background and never breaking out into the limelight if it wasn’t for one little netflix project she agreed on .

  it was just supposed to be another passion project . cassandra had done a few small roles in indie movies at that point . just enough to dip her toes into the movie making world but not enough to drag her away from getting a higher education . but when a script for a new netflix original series was slid in her direction by a family friend turned agent-- well , she just couldn’t put it down ! she loved everything about the show and knew she just had to be a part of it . so she gave up one summer of her life to film OUTER BANKS , not at all thinking that it would blow up the way it did a year later when it premiered . and now news is breaking out that the youngest oliver is finally stepping out into the acting scene , which is warranting a lot of media attention towards her . honestly , she feels pretty good about the project itself . she’s very proud of the show and is incredibly grateful that it’s doing as well as it is . but when it comes to all the notoriety she’s getting because of it , well ... she’s still adjusting to being famous in her own right and not just secondhand through her family . she’s a little overwhelmed . she’s a big girl now that has to navigate through this next chapter of her life without anybody holding her hand or shielding her from the highs and lows of being known . whether or not she thrives in the limelight or crumbles under the pressure is to be determined .

P E R S O N A L I T Y  &  F U N  F A C T S ↴

i think it’s really funny to call her the third franco brother ( yes dave and james have a third brother , his name is tom ). bc like her brothers are essentially mega stars w all the movies they’ve been in at this point and she’s sort of the other sibling that everyone forgets about . y’know until recently lol

she is a giant sweetheart !! just v lovey and kind and empathetic ,, has a warmth to her that makes it feel like it’s summertime all the time

v humble bc she does not consider herself famous what so ever . like being second-hand famous from her family and getting a few extra instagram followers bc of her last name is one thing , but with the success of her current show she’s being put on covers of magazines , being interviewed for teen vogue and stuff like that , getting verified on everything , and gaining hundreds of thousands of followers DAILY . it’s crazy to her

naive in the sense that she’s rlly out here thinking that everyone has a heart as big as hers and has only the best intentions when sadly that might not be the case !! so like ,,,, probs gets taken advantage of and doesn’t even realize it . or messes things up bc she thinks she can just continue living a normal average joe life when in reality her whole life has been far from average ,, the whole world’s got their eye on her and everything she says and does publicly can and will be scrutinized and she is just …. not prepared for that

wants to have a good time and do cool art sh*t !! as long as she’s being creative in some aspect , she’s happy . honestly doesn’t take a lot to make her happy

but also when she gets sad oh boy oh boy does she get sad . pretty much down and out and nothing anyone says or does can make her feel better unfortunately . will just self isolate and you just gotta let her ride it out ://

hobbies include painting , reading , collecting plants , and taking photos

has a second instagram account just for her photography ! @casstookthis lol

lives with her “babies” which are like 10 house plants and all of her books

v family oriented ! goes to visit her parents regularly and talks to her brothers basically daily despite living on two different coasts

acting was always something she knew she wanted to do-- and that may or may not have to do w her parents’ influence and the pressure to follow in their foot steps just like her brothers did 

as kids , she and her brothers would work together to put on performances in the living room for their parents . they’d make “short films” and upload them to all 6 of their subscribers on youtube

allergic to cats but wants one so bad ,, has never had a pet in her life actually

the little things amuse her . her sense of humor is really quite simple . hit her w some puns and / or a dad joke and you’ll have her rolling

is learning how to speak mandarin and french

always over-prepared , never underprepared ,, needs to feel like she is capable of handling anything or else she panics

cannot tell a lie to save her life , gets nervous and can’t make eye contact

at any given moment , you can tell what she’s thinking and what she’s feeling just from taking one look at her face . sometimes she tries to mask it because she is an actress after all . but it’s not hard to see through the facade that she puts on if you know her well

hopeless romantic af ! romanticizes everything in life ! loves love in all forms , romantic , platonic , self love , whatever ! looks at the world through rose tinted glasses and heart eyes ! probably falls in love with a person , place , or thing at least 5 times a day !

prefers summer and living near a beach / some body of water over living in the middle of the city . so she’ll often visit back home or go stay with her brothers in LA , not just to be closer to family , but to be more in her element

her family has so many houses simply bc their lives are all over the place ???? like they kept her childhood home in new jersey but they also always had a luxury townhouse in new york plus a summer home in the hamptons and a cottage in england and an apartment in los angeles that her brothers currently reside in . she used to just stay in the townhouse while going to school but she recently bought her own apartment bc she wants to be #independent

might catch her as the lead in a new netflix original movie coming soon *wink wink*

is in love with her best friend east harvey and they’re getting married

WANTED CONNECTIONS PAGE HERE

#wealthyhq:intro #this is short right? i tried to keep it short #but anyways plz love my soft girly pop

[lacehydrangeas]

edit: UMMMM just realized this never posted and instead went into my drafts. oops.

tagged by @glubbity (kinda) i’ve never done one of these and i thought it would be fun :o)

[instructions: tag ten followers you’d like to get to know better.] if u want to do this consider urself tagged...

gender: female! im cis but i dont mind they/them pronouns. i think gender IS something i need to put more thought into, but for now im comfortable presenting/being seen as a girl

star sign: im a scorpio babey!!! and if you have known me for more than 5 minutes its obvious. i like to think im a posterchild scorpio. my birthday is october 30, 2003, which i think is a very very good day to be born seeing as halloween is my favorite holiday and fall is my favorite season! im pretty excited to be turning 17 this year

height: 5′3 or 5′4 :o/ i wish i was taller SO bad. its been my dream since childhood to be like 6 foot... unfourtantly i think i might be done growing... my curse

sexuality: lesbian! i like girls very much. i used to identify as bi for most of middle school and then after kissing a dude and it making me sick to my stomach so i had a Realization freshman year. i think one of the sillier things that made me realize i was probably a lesbian is that i never felt comfortable doing one of the alignment charts... i would skip over them because something about saying “bisexual” didnt sit right

hogwarts house: i hate this question so fucking much. according to the official harry potter website i am a gryffindor but childhood me was crushed by that so i self-identify as a slytherin

favorite animal: CHINCHILLAS!!!!! i love chinchillas so fucking much... every time we had an animal project in middle school i would do mine on ‘chillas. did you know those guys fur is so thick they literally can’t get in water or they grow mold? thats why they do ash baths! while humans have one hair per follicle chinchillas have 50+ and fleas cant live on them because they would suffocate in the fur! thats why chinchillas r so soft... like little clouds. my second favorite animal would have to be rabbits... love them

average hours of sleep: when school was in session i would go to bed at like 10 and then wake up around 5, but now i go to bed at like 12 and wake up at like 8. so i usually get around 8 hours

current time: 11:13 am! im a California baby

dogs or cats?: god i love both so much but dogs win... both me and my mom r allergic to cats so i’ve never been able to have one but ive had lots of doggies! tigger, jasper, bailey, rosebud, pupcake...and a lot of my relatives have dogs! cats r very cute and sweet though and i love my neighbors cat even though cuddling her gives me hives

number of blankets you sleep with?: when its cold i sleep with two blankets and sometimes my comforter, and when its warm (like rn) i sleep with my thinnest blanket and my air conditioner on high. i can NOT sleep without a blanket and it needs to be cold. i always sleep the worse during summer

dream job?: i want to be a therapist... i want to be able to help people and psychology is so so so interesting to me. other careers i think would be fun: working at a zoo, professional scuba diver, working at one of those museums/activity centers where kids always go for field trips. you know the ones

when i created this blog: i think sometime in 7th grade? so like in 2017 i think? idk math. my first username was “just-a-tired-nerd” which i think is awful

follower count: 134!

why i created this blog: i thought that tumblr was THE place for gay people to go and i wanted to be around fellow homosexuals. also a friend had a tumblr and told me to make one

how i came up with my url: im so bad at usernames so its honestly kinda embarrassing trying to explain it LOL. i wanted a very ~aesthetic~ name (my previous user was aestheticallyjaded) and hydrangeas r my favorite flower! so i thought “ok whats pretty and feminine and also doesnt sound stupid?” and my brain went Lace! very recently i found out that lacecap hydrangeas r a type of hydrangea so i guess it all worked out in the end!

what do you love about yourself? (can’t be something you do for others): i love how true to myself i am! sometimes its a fault but ive always been very open about myself and my feelings. even if it makes me seem weird ive always acted and presented myself how i want to. when i create something (art/writing) i stay true to myself an express what i want to express. shoutout to all my old teachers who had to sit thru my short stories about lesbians xoxo

what kept you going through middle school? if it wasn’t hard, what was it like?: oh god middle school sucked so fucking bad. it was a really weird time of self discovery and absolute misery lol. i remember so many people whispering about me and talking behind my back because i was very open about being gay and it was when i first started getting really depressed. the only thing that really kept me going was art and nice teachers. ive always been a bit of a “teachers pet” so my teachers always liked me and treated me nicely. being able to have that kind of support and leeway really helped.

#aestheticchatter #this was fun... i like talking about myself

[merciful-mercenary]

Raindrops

Cover art and story idea by @ask-mr-luxembourg​, dedicated for @gedurfde-fortuin

Ship: Netherlands/Luxembourg Rating: T Themes: Fluff, nostalgia, light angst Summary: A quick meeting for coffee makes everything better, though being able to see each other on a rainy afternoon already made for a perfect day.

Click on the cover above or here to read on ao3, or ‘Keep Reading’ to read on tumblr!

(Please do not repost or remove this caption)

Jean-Claude (Jang) - Luxembourg, Abel - Netherlands, Lea - Belgium

Rain tapped on the window outside in a lazy pattern. Claude had given up trying to tap along and instead preoccupied himself with petting Abel’s bunny Nijntje, who seemed to think his lap was the most comfortable spot in the house. Nevermind the plush beds and blankets for burrowing that Abel had scattered around the cozy Amsterdam house for her. No, the most comfortable spot was clearly Claude’s lap, with her head tucked behind his jacket. Not that Claude minded of course. She didn’t shed much, and it gave him something to focus on while he waited for Abel to come back with the coffee he had invited Claude over for in the first place.

Claude would have offered to meet at one of the coffee shops around Amsterdam, but it was much better to stay at home when it was raining like this. Besides, nobody made coffee as well as Abel, or at least not to Claude. There weren’t many shops that he could enjoy a warm cup of coffee while a bunny cuddled in his lap either.

Abel finally returned with two mugs in his hands. He sat down next to Claude and handed a mug to him before looking down at his bunny. “Traitor,” he accused.

“Ha, she missed me I guess,” Claude said with a light smile as he gave the bunny a pat. The bunny nudged her way deeper under his cardigan in response. and Abel scoffed.

“Maybe if you came over more she wouldn’t miss you so much,” he said before taking a sip of his coffee.

Claude sighed and glanced back out the window at the sight of Amsterdam and the canal right outside the tall, thin building. The view may have seemed dreary to anyone else, but there were few places he would rather see when he looked out of a window. It was relaxed that day, pedestrians and cyclists occasionally passing by through the raindrops stuck on the long window. Claude couldn’t help but note with a bit of amusement that the building was similar to its resident, though Abel was far from thin like the building was.

“I would love to,” he mumbled, “but you know how work is.”

Abel hummed in thought, and Claude noticed the corners of his mouth quirk up. “You could live with me again.”

“I wish it was so easy.”

“It wasn’t that bad living alone with me.”

Claude looked down into his mug with a slight frown.  “It was hard without Léa.”

Abel gave a solemn nod. “I know,” he muttered. “But you know what would have happened if you two stayed together.”

Claude gave a noncommittal hum in reply as he took a sip of his coffee. He almost jumped in surprise at the light touch that brushed over his arm.

“Does your arm still hurt?” Abel asked.

Claude felt his chest warm at the question. It was nice to be cared about, especially over something anyone else would consider too insignificant to note or remember. “…No,” he mused. “I forget that scar is there, sometimes.”

Abel gave a small hum in thought and looked at him out of the corner of his eye. “Remember when you tried baking for me and you spilled the flour all over yourself?”

“I told you, a mouse startled me. I could lift the bag just fine with one arm.”

“I still find flour in the cracks.”

“That’s impossible.”

“Tell the flour that.”

Claude chuckled and carefully shifted to lean against Abel, thankful when Nijntje didn’t seem to notice the movement. He gave a small sigh of content as he continued to drink his coffee in silence. His eyes widened when Abel shifted and a heavy hand rested on his head to give his hair a light ruffle.

“I’m glad you’re still here with us, little brother,” Abel mumbled.

The fuzzy warmth in Claude’s lap was nice, but it couldn’t compare to the warmth that spread through his body as his heart skipped at the kind words and the faint smile on Abel’s face. Claude took a long drink of his coffee in an attempt to hide his flustered smile, his eyes darting to the side. Abel showing him affection when they were alone like this wasn’t anything particularly new, but it still managed to surprise him every time.

“I’m glad too,” he finally admitted. He looked down at the brown and white bunny in his lap. “Someone has to give attention to Nijntje after all, since you clearly do not.”

Abel scoffed. “I give her attention,” he defended.

“Do you? I would not have known.”

Abel frowned and purposefully scooted away on the couch, and Claude pouted. He wanted to follow to keep leaning against him, but he knew there was no way to move that much without disturbing Nijntje.

“Now you aren’t giving me attention either? You’re so cruel big brother,” he whined.

“You’re the one that spilled flour all over my kitchen.”

“I told you I was sorry! Besides, we had fun baking after that didn’t we?”

Abel paused and glanced away with a sigh. “Yeah,” he muttered. “Even if you made a mess of my kitchen. I was happy you were done brooding.”

“I wasn’t brooding.”

“You refused to come out of your room for a month unless you had to eat.”

“I was sick. Getting my arm cut off was tiring, you know.”

“I had to drag you out more than once. You would hardly talk to me or look at me.”

Claude fell quiet and stared down at his coffee for several tense moments. “Léa always was such a happy presence around,” he mused. “It was obvious when she was gone. Painfully so.”

Abel gave a slight nod. “The house was much more quiet, with her gone and you brooding—”

“I was not brooding.”

“With you brooding, it was quiet.”

“I do appreciate you looking after me during that time. While I was sick,” Claude sighed. “I know you didn’t take it well either.”

Abel rolled his eyes and moved closer again to pat Claude’s shoulder. “At least you were still there. I was proud of Léa for being her own country.”

“I had to get independence too, eventually.”

“It was the only thing you would talk about,” Abel grunted. “I would ask you how you felt and you would tell me you wanted independence, or that you wanted to see Léa.”

Claude couldn’t help but laugh softly at the memory. He looked down when Nijntje shifted, and she squirmed out from under his cardigan to hop down onto the couch. She gave a small thump with her back legs, and Abel sighed and set his mug down to gently scoop her up to set her on the floor.

“That’s how she says she wants down,” he explained as the bunny hopped off.

“She’s smart,” Claude noted. “Pelutze is big enough, she can climb up and down from the couch without any problems.” He realized that he was now free to move, and instantly moved over to lean against Abel again as he drank more of his coffee as the rain tapped harder against the window.

Claude nearly choked on the last of his coffee when Abel’s arm wound around his waist and a soft kiss was pressed to the side of his head.

“I’m glad you could make it today, Jang,” Abel murmured. Claude wondered which was louder, the rain pelting the window or the way his heart hammered against his chest. He wasn’t expecting the Dutchman to speak Luxembourgish, even if it was only his name. He turned his head to catch Abel’s lips in a quick kiss, the brief taste of coffee shared between them. He couldn’t help but smile at the fluster written on Abel’s face, no matter how much he tried to hide it.

“Yeah, I am too.”

#aph luxembourg #aph netherlands #nedlux #luxned

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

#Trans #nonbinary #nb #genderqueer #gender questioning #transmed #pls help me lmao I hate my brain sm #also im so sorry if this post is scuffed af #im on mobile #its 4 am I cba

[takaraphoenix]

what do you have against valka? im curious, i didn't realize anyone didn't like her

Oh no, I don’t have anything against Valka. I hate Valka. I normally do the opposite of this by smoothing the asked hate down into something less, because I rarely hate something fictional because at the end of the day it’s just fictional and doesn’t really do anything to me.

I see Valka as a personal offense to my believes in DreamWorks.

Okay, so. Let’s start with her name. Originally, her name was Valhallarama in the books. I do not understand this need to change canon so significantly when adapting something, so part of my hatred is the blatant disregard for source-material here.

With most the characters, they stuck close to the original designs from the books. No idea why they canned the original love-interest completely and replaced her with OFC Astrid, but sure. I guess.

Now, Valhallarama was originally supposed to be in the first movie. I own the artbooks of both movies and there is actual concept art of what Hiccup’s mother was supposed to look like in the first movie. Here’s the only image of her I could find on the internet.

Now. There were four years between those two movies. Four years of me treating cute, round Valhallarama as Hiccup’s mother, just for them to nope out of it.

Valka’s design is just ridiculous. That woman is a twig. All of the first movie, we had to listen to how Hiccup wasn’t a good Viking based on how fragile, small and thin he was. Like that was maybe an after-effect of having been a sickly child.

Now it’s more of a “Nope, he got that from his supermodel-thin mom’s side of the family *lol*” kind of situation.

Which doesn’t make sense.

The first movie made a big deal out of Stoick giving Hiccup his first helmet. Saying it was one half of the chestplate of Hiccup’s mother.

Valka has no tits. Valka is flat as a board. Because that woman is, again, a twig.

She looks nothing like a Viking. It’s already a bit annoying to me how Ruff, Tuff, Heather and Astrid are all pretty and thin and lean, even though the franchise used to make such a point of Hiccup being too fragile. Sorry, but Astrid does not look strong or buff either.

This franchise had the opportunity to be a bit more positive when it comes to body-images. Every animated movie ever always features only super-thin “break in the middle because damn that waist”-characters. Always. Unless it’s the funny, harmlessly cute comic-relief character.

So. Yeah. Generally already agitated by the fact that aside from Fishlegs, they’re all essentially the same body-type.

But that they retconned back from their original claims of Hiccup’s mother being a woman of curves. It annoys me.

Now to the reason why I really hate her.

She is the fucking worst mother I’ve ever seen in an animated movie.

That bitch left her son alone? Because “Oh, woe is me the Peta activist who can’t stop them from harming those poor, defenseless animals”. Fuck you, Valka, fuck you hard. Those dragons used to fucking burn down all of Berk. I can not imagine how many of their people died in those dragon-fires.

Of course did they fucking hunt dragons.

When Hiccup came around, at the very least he had proof that dragons weren’t inherently bad. All Valka had were “kiss the trees and free the animals”-hippie nonsense. And because her husband, who was trying to protect his tribe and people, didn’t back down in this stupid, stupid argument…

She decided to abandon her husband and her son. Just like that. Never turning back in all of those years.

Okay, so, fair point, I take personal offense and get extremely protective when mothers abandon their children because shit like that happened in my family and I am still witness to what that fuckery did to the kid. I’m not even going to drag the “Mother’s natural instinct to protect her child always”-thing into this, just the basic human decency not to simply leave your kid behind and never turn back.

And it makes even less sense considering the TV show.

Five years have passed between the first movie and the second movie. Five years in which Hiccup is literally gathering a network of trusted allies, where he has made a name for himself and for his whole tribe as Dragon Riders throughout far beyond their archipelago.

Valka, who was supposedly hunting the dragon hunters, must have heard of Hiccup the Dragon Rider, because the dragon hunters never fucking shut up about the boy on his Night Fury and they all know his name.

Fuck this, there was an instance where there were literally wanted posters and a bounty out on Hiccup’s head.

That’s not even taking into account how thoroughly Hiccup has been mapping their known world on the search for dragons. Apparently, Valka lived right around the corner. Buuut coincidentally not only did Hiccup not find her home - they never ran into each other in those five years either.

The point being, she was completely retconned in. Her still being alive and doing what she does makes absolutely no sense in canon whatsoever.

And the fact that oh, she did the “I trust dragons”-thing too, to me it just takes away from how special Hiccup is. A big point about Hiccup was that he trusted dragons. Now, all of a sudden, it’s “Oh, by the way, your mom used to trust dragons too, ahahaha”.

Moving on from that point to her personality.

She shows more affection and interest in Toothless than she does in her son. She first hugs the damn dragon instead of her own son. She is more affectionate toward Toothless than she is to her own child that she abandoned after it’s revealed who Hiccup is. That’s just… She’s not even trying to make up for the years of abandonment. All she’s really interested in is the shiny new dragon she never met before, not the child she abandoned as a baby.

Also the highly illogical thing where she suddenly can split Toothless’ spikes? Like? Toothless is literally the last Night Fury. Valka has never met a Night Fury before. There are no books studying dragons beyond studying to kill them. How would she even know that trick? Aside for plot-convenience of “Look! A bonding moment!”, which, again the bonding moment happens over the dragon.

You can not tell me that she loves Hiccup. She finds Toothless far more interesting than him. She never turned back to check on her boy, fuck she never turned back to check on her husband and people and to see if, I don’t know, something changed in the past fifteen years.

She is not just really badly retconned into the franchise, she is not just a bad revamped version of a first character design, she is not just a bad adaptation of a canon character - no, she is also a fundamentally bad person.

And I don’t like bad people. A character needs some redeeming quality that can make me like them. But if a character is just a bad person, then I can not like them. (I don’t like most of the villains the internet hypes either, because I fail to see how they have anything likable about them. They’re just villains, bad people.)

#valka #How to Train Your Dragon (2010) #how to train your dragon 2 (2014) #why valka is a fundamentally bad character #why didn't they take valhallarama...? #anonymous

[wannabeagrunklefan]

Fic: Fire and Freedom

Pairing: Stancest Rating: PG-13 for language and some implied sexy times, I guess ^^; Author’s Notes: Circus AU! This was written for the Stancest Discord server’s  scavenger hunt. I just wanted to say a quick shout out to my very talented teammates for making this event so fun and for being so kind! You’re all brilliant and I was so inspired by your lovely writing and art! :D And a hearty thank you to my beta team @yehvaru and @reinstotheworld, who made this legible! I know you’re both really busy, so it really touched me that you made time to look over my story and give me some feedback and encouragement. You two are the absolute best and I adore you both to the moon and back! :D <3

The link to this fic on AO3 can be found here.

                “Little shit!”

                Carla sighed heavily, eyes rolled up to the ceiling as if seeking divine patience. “Stanley, don’t start-”

                “‘He’s cheating! He’s behind a curtain! ANYONE could have got him out! You think that’s a good trick?’” Her companion continued on with his tirade in a squeaky, off-key parody of what she assumed was meant to be a child, if the child in question sounded like a leaky bike tire.

                 A leaky bike tire with a serious chain smoking problem.

                “Seriously, kid?” He continued arguing with his imaginary, tiny antagonist, weaving haphazardly through the throng of performers backstage preparing for their acts to start. Carla heaved a frustrated breath as she attempted to keep up, neatly dodging some acrobats and coming dangerously close to Ms. Petunia’s prized, trained poodle, Rex, earning her a vicious glare from the older woman. “Anyone could have gotten me outta handcuffs and a locked tank of water in the middle of a giant, empty stage?? The entire point is that I escape on my own!”

                “To be fair, the tank’s not really sealed as tightly as it looks, though,” Carla couldn’t help but point out, trying to take the wind out of his sails before he made it clear across the Atlantic Ocean fueled on spite alone.

                It seemed to work slightly, as far as distractions went, as Stanley’s steps did slow somewhat. “I know that, and you know that, but that’s not the point,” he growled, punctuating the end of his sentence with a few vicious stabs in the air with a pointer finger. “My job is to create an illusion that inspires ‘wonder’ and ‘the inner child’, and that real child is being a real asshole!”

                “Yeah, I see what you mean,” Carla replied dryly. “What child wouldn’t experience a sense of wonder watching a happy-go-lucky guy like you answer their innocent question with a ‘Bite me, kid!’?”

                Her companion narrowed his eyes in a mockingly fierce glare and put indignant hands on his hips as his body relaxed into a more playful posture. Bull-headed as Stan was, at least he could concede the point when he was being ridiculous. In his own, silent way, of course. “Yanno what? You can bite me too, Carla.”

                “Been there, done that, sugar,” she replied, patting him lightly on the shoulder as he grinned. She wrinkled her nose for effect as she added, “never again.”

                He burst into laughter, resting a hand over his heart. “You break my heart, McCorkle! Just like you did that night when you left me fer some clown!”

                She immediately shoved him in frustration, forcing more laughter out of him. “NO! It wasn’t funny the first fifty-thousand times you made that joke, and it isn’t funny now! Ugh, I can’t deal with you when you’re like this. Where’s your brother? Why isn’t he suffering you like the rest of us? FORD!” She yelled at a nearby camper, their original destination (Stanley’s destination was always Stanford), and relished the violent tremor that ran through it as she had no doubt startled Ford out of a deep focus.

                One chair scrape and several heavy, booted steps later, and the door to the RV swung open, revealing Ford’s perplexed face and emitting a faint scent of chemicals. He quirked a brow in Carla’s direction. “You bellowed?”

                She frowned at his word choice and crossed her arms defiantly, pointedly ignoring the sniggering coming from the manchild behind her. “You’re a fire tamer, right?”

                His brows scrunched together in a mild frown as he thought the question over. “I suppose you could call it that. But I prefer to say I work with fire-”

                “Deal with this,” she interrupted, grabbing a handful of Stan’s sleeve and dragging him over to his brother. “There was a rowdy kid and now he’s all riled up, and if you don’t take him now I’ll throw a knife at him and I can’t guarantee I’ll miss.”

                Stanford rolled his eyes as he stepped back to allow Stanley entry. “I’ll deal with it, but I can’t promise it’ll stay dealt with,” he countered, leaping back as Stanley laid a comically exaggerated and loud kiss to his cheek. “AGH! Stanley, what the hell?” he yelped, rubbing a hand up and down his cheek, face flushed and lips twisted into a grimace when his hand passed over saliva.

                “Thanks, bro,” Stanley said as he made his way cheerfully into their shared space. “I feel so loved!”

                Ford turned back to Carla, his expression deadpan. “Run, while you still can.”

                She laughed and punched him playfully on the shoulder. “Thanks. I owe you one.”

                “Oh, and Carla?” Stanley popped up over Ford’s shoulder, and that’s when Carla realized she had to leave now.

                “Gotta go, Stan! Talk to you later, ok?” she called over her shoulder as she swiftly turned around and began making her escape.

                “Oh! Ok. Could you just thank Thistle for me when you see ‘im?”

                …Damn him and damn her curiosity straight to hell. She turned around with what she hoped was an effective warning look. “Thank him for what?”

               Stan quickly held up his hands in a placating gesture. “Whoa! Hey! No need fer that! I just genuinely wanted to thank him for helpin’ me put away all my props ‘n stuff yesterday.”

               Carla could feel her shoulders returning to their more relaxed positions. That was actually… “…Thanks, Stan. I’ll tell him you said that.”

               He smiled. “No problem, Carla. I just wanted to make sure he knew I appreciated his kind jester.”

               There’s no way of knowing for sure, but it was generally accepted by everyone at the circus that day that the ensuing, aggrieved shriek could be heard the next city over.

               “We’re going to need hearing aids soon if you keep winding her up like that.”

               Stanley grinned mischievously from his place against the wall as he watched his twin fiddle around with his latest fuel-concoction. “That was a good one, wasn’t it? Even better than I hoped for!”

               Ford shook his head in exasperation as he continued with his work. “I honestly don’t know what you hope to achieve by bothering that poor girl. Didn’t she suffer enough as your girlfriend?”

              Stan barked out a laugh and pushed off the wall, coming over to Ford to wrap a hand around one shoulder as he leaned over the other to observe his twin’s progress. “Yanno, I’d clock you a good one fer that remark if it wasn’t dripping with jealousy.” He glanced to the side to look for Ford’s reaction and – there! A quick spasm of fingers around the beaker he was holding, a slight quiver of a pipette in a suddenly unsteady hand and a jaunty bounce of an Adam’s apple were all Stan’s to cherish; small pieces of evidence of his twin’s affection that he could collect like an emotional magpie, decorating his life with pieces of love and hoarding the warmth they brought him.

              “Who’s jealous?” Ford asked, in the most chalant-nonchalant sort of way. Stanley hoped he wasn’t sincerely trying to sound unaffected, because that would mean his brother was the worst liar in history and bullshit was basically their trade, so…not a good combination. “I just meant that perhaps you should…ease up a little. No person should be screaming that much, that regularly.”

               “No?” Stan asked casually, plucking the beaker and pipette out of Ford’s hands and setting them down safely out of harm’s way, as Ford avidly stared at the side of his head. “You couldn’t see any advantages to screaming loudly on a regular basis?” He continued his line of questioning, pulling out the chair Ford is sitting in and sitting down in the newly created space of his twin’s lap. He looped his arms around Ford’s neck, grinning in triumph as he felt strong hands grip his hips, some stray fingers slipping under his shirt and coming to a stop to lightly caress the skin underneath. He licked his lips as he gazed into brilliant, warm brown eyes, so much more vibrant and arresting than his own. “No fringe benefits, at all?”

               He watched Ford’s eyes shift from side to side - searching for something, it looked like. The inner workings of Ford’s mind often eluded him. Whatever it was, he must’ve found it, because the firm, stiff line of his mouth softened and melted into a charmingly lazy grin and the feather-light caresses began to move downward with intent. “Well, Carla was certainly right about one thing. You are riled up, aren’t you?”

               Stan grinned devilishly, bringing one hand up to run through Ford’s curly locks, pausing every so often to deliver light, teasing scratches to his scalp. “You bet. She seemed to think that you should deal with me.” Here he grabbed a mass of hair, pulling Ford’s head back. Ford went willingly, offering his throat in its entirety to his brother. “What do you think about that?”

               “I’m not sure,” Ford admitted, looking up at the ceiling. “I’ve never really done well trying to force fire to bend to my will, as I’m sure you remember.” Stan responded with a non-committal hum and a light caress to a pale, pink patch of skin on his brother’s throat. “As I mentioned earlier, my best work seems to come when I treat the fire with respect. Like a partner.” He flicked his eyes down in an attempt to meet Stan’s despite the awkward angle.

               Stan considered him briefly, laid out and submissive beneath him, before throwing aside the façade and finally giving into temptation, bending forward to kiss, lick and suck at every inch of skin he could reach. His twin came alive immediately, hands coming up and grasping at Stan’s shoulders for purchase as he gasped and moaned his pleasure, completely losing himself in the moment.

               It was times like these, here in this narrow world where he and Ford were the only things in existence, that Stanley felt like everything slotted into place. Where he could slowly, carefully free his brother from all the invisible trappings of the world outside and celebrate his freedom, celebrate Ford. It was always his most thrilling escape, and when he succeeded it brought him more pride and joy than hundreds of locked tank performances could ever touch.

               Every soft gasp was like the rattle of a loosening chain, every moan the click of a lock springing open under his hands. Every desperate plea was like the awed gasps of an enthralled crowd and every call of his name the thunderous applause of a phantom audience. With Ford he reached new heights and it was with Ford that he achieved some of his greatest accomplishments.

               When they were together, he received some of Ford’s magic too. Every light caress trailed fire along his nerve-endings, and every kiss seared into him like a brand. Ford’s intense gaze lit a fire in his gut and his fierce embrace was scalding enough to melt away the outside fears and anxieties that plagued him while leaving his heart and soul feeling blissfully warm.

              Together they were two fires that burned brightly, twining and melting into one another to become an intimidating force of nature. Together, they broke locks and rent chains asunder, lifting each other to previously unattainable heights where they could soar in their freedom.

              Together, the future was bright.

              Together, they made the impossible possible.

#stancest #stancest scavenger hunt #my writing #ugh this is kind of a mess lol #but i enjoyed writing this anyway #aus are so fun to mess around with ^^

[thenoisebeneaththesnow]

Totengefluster is one of Germany’s premiere black metal exports blurring the lines between symphonic and pure black metal.  They have just released their new album “The Faceless Divine” via Black Lion Records.  We’d like to thank the band for their time in answering our interview.

What served as the primary inspiration for calling the album, “The Faceless Divine?”

Narbengrund Nihilis: Since this album has no concrete concept it was hard to find a fitting title for it. One day Totleben (guitar, orchestration, artwork) came up with a few ideas, including „faceless divine“ and we agreed, that this one reflects the music best. The „Faceless divine“ is a metaphor for death itself. It seems that Death has countless faces at the same time it has no face and each of our songs deals with death or loss in different ways…  and since we’re Totengeflüster we have to whisper a bit about it, too, shouldn’t we? 😉

You have a bonus track on the album called “Entflamme Mich” which may be one of your most powerful yet.  Can you talk  about the meaning/background behind this track? Narbengrund Nihilis: This is a very special track, first because it differs musically from the rest of our album (one of the reasons why we decided to use this one as a bonus track) and second because it is one of the two tracks with German lyrics. What can I say about it? It’s about feeling dead inside, but then there is this spark from outside that ignites this damned feeling, this corpse we’re trapped in. It feels, that everything that matters in this life, is to burn, even if it eats us alive. „Entflamme mich“ is somehow a kind of wrong-headed lovesong. Of course this track is highly emotional, it’s lyrics are romantic and sick at the same time. This one is more kind of a „Gothic(Metal)“ song than black metal but I’m very proud of it, for it has one of the strongest lyrics on „The Faceless Divine“. Maybe one can see it as the spiritual successor of „one with the void“ – which is somehow funny, cause „one with the void“ was our first track with English lyrics and also a misfit on our former album „Im Nebel der Vergänglichkeit“.

“Grant Us Thy Blessing” is another powerful track on the album.  What about that one?

Narbengrund Nihilis: This one is our…. pssst… hidden title track, therefore the lyrics are all about „The Faceless Divine“ but in a very „positive“ manner. Death is fair. He comes for all of us, he doesn’t care about our religion, our wealth, our skin color or our sex and so on. There is also a cross reference to religion, as death is seen as an angel (of death of course haha) and it seems, that it is the only angel who cares about us, for he simply takes care of us. Death also can be an easement, for example when you’re old or deadly ill or simply depressive.  I think of life as a circle, so death is just the beginning of something new, are molecules are going to kind of a huge resource-pool and are put together into something new. Somehow, we are a part of everything and everything is a part of us.  

What did you want to do different artistically with this album that you didn’t before? 

Narbengrund Nihilis: There were many things that we’ve planned, but not all could be transposed. We wanted to sound more „serious“, this is why we (to be honest: Totleben) reduced the presence and the amount of the orchestra, so the album could sound more „metal“. Totleben wrote the first two albums almost single-handed, this time we interacted much more with him during the song writing process. There are also some innovations on this album, for example it is the first time we use „electronic“ effects as you can hear best on our track „on carrion wings“, furthermore the use of the vocals is more experimental.  

Why the decision now to use mostly English song titles?

Narbengrund Nihilis: I guess we just wanted to get more through to our listeners. It was also was an experiment, how would Totengeflüster sound with English lyrics? So… nothing special about this, I even cannot say if the lyrics on our next album will be English or german or even french? Everything is possible.

What was the biggest challenge with this album and what did you do to conquer it?

Narbengrund Nihilis: This time we had to work quite fast, at least for our circumstances. We wanted to start a tour in late October and we wanted to release the new album, before we’re on the road. The problem was that this decision was not made until the end of 2018 and the decision to release an album instead of an EP was made just a few days ago… Maybe, this doesn’t sound that problematic to an outsider but you have to know, that Totleben did nearly everything by himself (except the mastering): the recording of each of our members, the artwork, the mix and so on…

What moods, environments suit you the most when composition?

A Calm and quiet environment is the best for me. When we played live in bigger cities and I was around there … I realized that those busy and loud places could never be a place to compose things. When I composed “Grant us thy Blessing” or “On Carrion Wings” I was at my fathers place. It’s a very calm place with a lot of nature around. Perfect place to rest and focus on yourself.

How did you hook up with Black Lion Records and why did you decide to not self-release?

Because we had serious issues with the distributor of Pale Essence Music. We still wait for money from 2017…. so … When I founded Pale Essence Music everything was planed very different. But… what can you do when your the smaller fish. Sure I fought back and found solutions but they led to the point to let go of my own Label and join Black Lion Records. I was very happy that Oliver of BLR knew us already and is supporting us to this day. Without him “The Faceless Divine” would have had a much harder start into this world. So I’m very thankful for his help.

The new album almost sounds a bit like you toned down the symphonic element.  Was this a conscious decision to go for more of a raw approach?

Totleben: Well, the symphonic follows the overall riffing…. If it fits … We can go with a lot of orchestra, if the song demands to be more raw … sure … we have to leave it less orchestrated. You’re absolutely right, “The Faceless Divine” is using less orchestra than the other albums … it just came that way without being forced. I think the album does not lack any atmosphere … things are more balanced I think. Sure, I still love our albums, each one is unique. Lets see where the journey will go with the fourth… if there will be one … one day.

What plans do you have for the coming months?  Any chance of a US tour?

Narbengrund Nihilis: We’ve planned a mini-tour with our friends from Wolves Den and Frozen Gate, but this time we’ll only play in Germany and in Switzerland. We would truly love touring through the US! But I think due to our financial circumstances, there’s no chance in touring the US in the near future.

In your opinion, what do you think the most important German black metal releases have been in the last 20 years? Narbengrund Nihilis: This is a tough one! Puh, honestly there has been released so many good music in the past twenty years. Maybe the two “Nektar” chapters by Nocte Obducta? Or “Séance” by Dark Fortress? Really hard to tell, for I just can speak about mine and (perhaps) the opinion of my closer friends.

What artists do you think we would find the most surprising when it comes to the ones who have inspired you?

Totleben: Hm,… I would say I have many influences…. Besides Metal… I would say everything that transfers a certain atmosphere is good to me… Perturbator, Carpenter Brut, Thomas Barrrandon (“Forever Yound, A Lie”) .. stuff like that.

What’s your advice for an artist considering moving to Germany?

Totleben: Be yourself. Get yourself a job. You will not make a living out of your art besides your very, very, very good.

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https://www.totengefluester.de/

https://www.facebook.com/totengefluester/

Totengefluster: The FACELESS DIVINE Interview (German Black Metal) Totengefluster is one of Germany's premiere black metal exports blurring the lines between symphonic and pure black metal. 

#black metal #German black metal #Metal #Totengefluster

[viralhottopics]

Donald Trump Isn’t Stopping This Pakistani Muslim Immigrant From Having Hope

As Inauguration Day looms, a million thoughts are running through my head. How could the America I had come to love, to feel accepted in, be about to swear in a leader who resented me for my residency status, my religion and even my gender? And what would it mean for me, a Pakistani Muslim immigrant whose visa is up for renewal in the summer of 2017, to be living in Trumps America, side by side with people who seemingly dont want me here and who now have a leader in power who appears to share that opinion?

Your guess is as good as mine.

Like many other immigrants from high risk, terror prone areas, those of us here that have to apply for new visas after years on F1 student visas, are in limbo, left in suspense about where our immigration status will stand under the soon-to-be President Donald Trump. We are at the mercy of his unpredictability, wondering if he will follow through on his promises and weed out those of us who dont belong here.

We are at the mercy of [Donald Trump’s] unpredictability, wondering if he will follow through on his promises and weed out those of us who dont ‘belong’ here.

Over the course of his campaign, Trump made several different statements saying that people like me people who come from Muslim-majority nations will no longer be allowed to immigrate into the country. During the presidential cycle, we were forced to laugh it off and hope that maybe this man would not end up having control over the system that determined the direction of the rest of our lives. But now that the day to hand over power is nearly here, we cant help but worry what decision he will actually make once he gets into office.

Will we merely be harassed as we apply to stay in this country, or will we be completely denied residency status and lose the careers and lives we have worked so hard to build?

What makes the eve of inauguration harder still is coming to terms with how we, I, got here, because the very election of Donald Trump has shattered my perception of America and my place in it.

Courtesy of Mahira Tiwana

Mahira and her siblings stand on the Karakoram Highway in northern Pakistan while on their way to the Pakistan-China border during a family trip in 2005.

As a child living in Lahore, Pakistan, the reality of U.S tensions with the Middle East seemed distant. But as an adult, the realization that I sit in the U.S., the idea that my fate is now being influenced by a conflict I never knew I was involved in, in a nation that crippled my own in many ways and gave my religion the bad name it never deserved, seems to be one of the greatest ironies of my life.

Pakistani children are raised to view moving to the United States as the end goal. And as a result, many of us end up here for our college educations. We come to the U.S. as young college students, expecting only the best of everything. The best facilities, resources, universities, people and students.

The realization that my fate is now being influenced by a conflict I never knew I was involved in, in a nation that crippled my own in many ways and gave my religion the bad name it never deserved, seems to be one of the greatest ironies of my life.

I came to America in the fall of 2012. Back then, all those promises seemed real. On the eve of Obamas re-election, I had been in the country for three months, and it was a magical time to be at a liberal arts college. It gave a newcomer the impression of a progressive, transformed America on its way to great things; it gave me the hope of the upward mobility I had always been told would come of leaving my family and friends behind in Pakistan for this education.

The 2016 election season was the first year I lived in the U.S. post-college. I had spent the months leading up to graduation convincing my family that staying in the U.S. was the best option for me, that there was no reason for me to return to Pakistan and live at home. Here, I had told them, I would be in a better position to attain the future I desired.

But the closer we got to Trumps inauguration, the more I realized that those feelings were the assumptions of a sheltered experience, even as an immigrant. After seeing the promise Obama represented, Trumps political ascension was a rude awakener.

Courtesy of Mahira Tiwana

Mahira and her family gather outside their home in Lahore, Pakistan, during Mahira’s winter break from university in 2014.

The election results reiterated in bold letters, that in case I had ever considered adopting such an identity, I am not and cannot be American, despite being a product of its education and social system. As an immigrant in purgatory, neither here nor there, I found myself suddenly unable to move forward.

And so, I began to look back. The reality of my present had me navigating an all-too-familiar battle between sentiment and logic I had put on mute long ago. To return to Pakistan? Or stay?

If I stay, how do I live in a country that has effectively voted for me to leave?

Their message is irrevocably clear: Your Islam is not welcome. Your skin color is not welcome. Your dark features and your dark green passport will taint you here as long as you have them.

But maybe I should ignore it and stay. For my future. I reasoned with myself.

But where was I really?

The election results reiterated in bold letters, that in case I had ever considered adopting such an identity, I am not and cannot be American.

In many ways, it felt like I had regressed. I was in a culture that stood in complete dismissal of the religious and racial parts of my ethnic background while actively fetishizing the food I ate and the clothes I wore.

It was a culture that removed Islam from all Muslim contributions to the world to make them more palatable from mystic Rumi poetry to the world wonder that is the Mughal Taj Mahal.

During the Obama years that defined my college experience, there had been times when people exhibited backwards perceptions of my country and my culture, when people had exoticized it. But it had never gotten to a point where it felt like my identity was a negative presence or something that should be rejected by those who were more American or more easily able to fit into the lifestyle here. But now, I couldnt help but question the value of my desire to chase the American dream. Was it worth it when that dream seemed more and more like it was becoming a nightmare?

Aamir Qureshi/ Getty Images

Pakistani day laborers rest by the side of the road as they wait for work in Islamabad on June 24, 2012. Rising unemployment and inflation together have increased hunger and poverty among the most vulnerable in Pakistan.

Pakistans declining political and economic situation leaves many young and capable people unable to find sustainable work. Instead of staying and contributing, they leave for greener pastures, in search of better opportunities. I had done the same.

Today, Im not ready to give up on the American dream and go home just yet. And so, I find myself in a place where I can do nothing but wait.

In the wake of increased Islamophobia and threats to the place of Muslims and immigrants in the country, many of us are too afraid to leave for fear of being denied re-entry Hasan Minhaj even broke his typical jokey banter on the Daily Show to voice his concerns about his mother being allowed back into America post-Trump inauguration. And my immigration officer contacted me and other foreign employees, advising us to immediately apply for more secure visas and refrain from international travel.

Im not ready to give up on the ‘American dream’ and go home just yet.

But its not been easy staying here, especially in the backdrop of a society that at least in part seems to reject what I stand for and challenge the America I have lived in and loved these past few years.

Staying meant that the year that I had not been home to Lahore was extended. Staying meant that, for me and other Pakistanis, Trump was our personal Grinch for the holiday season.

We missed the barrage of weddings that define this time of year, missed family reunions and the one time in the year we are able to return to our childhood comforts.

A close friend still feels betrayed that I will not be attending her graduation. Another is upset I did not dance at her wedding, the wedding we had planned together since we were little girls. And even missing my siblings school functions, functions that I would usually consider ridiculous (my 8-year-old sister is extremely proud at having finished fifth in the 100 meter race at school), feel like I am missing out on watching my family grow up.

Carlo Allegri / Reuters

U.S. President-elect Donald Trump on the night of his election in Manhattan, New York.

I have already missed so much, and it seems with the threat of decreased mobility in a Trump administration, I am destined to miss much more. I fear the distance I already feel will solidify and lengthen on Inauguration Day, and its making me anxious. It is then that I will learn what fate awaits me in the summer when my student visa expires and when I want to go home for a family visit.

In terms of politics, the difference between the old and new POTUS will not be immediately felt. But with the kind of extreme, unstable remarks Donald Trump regularly issues, I am not positive the impact will be delayed for much longer.

For Pakistanis, seeing the great impenetrable nation in such visible distress induces mild amusement and perhaps a stirring of pity. We are not in the business of interfering, and so we will watch as Trump attempts to fill Obamas well-worn shoes on Jan. 20 and every day thereafter with profound sadness for the loss of one of the best men to ever occupy the Oval Office. We will sit with a sense of foreboding for what is in store for America and its subjects, particularly those that bear our skin color and our religion.

While my American friends will joke and hope that they come out of the next four years with as few bruises as possible, I simply hope to survive.

And for me, the country will never be quite the same. I will walk around with a pit in my stomach as I try to make a life in a nation that has changed from a sanctuary to a place where I am constantly a suspect. And while my American friends will joke and hope that they come out of the next four years with as few bruises as possible, I simply hope to survive in the country that I hope to call home for as long as I can.

Trump may never see the dangers involved in making a scapegoat of a religious people or of minorities who have come here for a better life, and so we Muslims and immigrants must implore the average American to see past the blind hatred and the political propaganda. So on the eve of Inauguration Day, to those of you who are not in my situation, who may not be forcefully removed or under threat in Trumps America, I want to reiterate that our presence in this nation relies on your humanity. This land of immigrants will soon have the very symbol of anti-immigrant rhetoric as its greatest representative, and we look to our American counterparts to rise to the occasion. I hope our faith is not misplaced.

The Huffington Post is documenting the rising wave of anti-Muslim bigotry and violence in America. Take a stand against hate.

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