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#growing up autistic
kyahcomic · 1 year
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Autistic Special Interests: Misconceptions
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lachiennearoo · 6 months
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How to Make Friends
A more-or-less clear guide on social interactions
Growing up with heavy ADHD and generalized anxiety, it was always a bit hard for me to make friends and socialize. Despite my yearning for friendship, I was always "the quiet one" and "a loner", simply because I didn't know how to approach certain social situations, and it made any friendship I had extremely unstable (except for my sister @vive-le-quebec-flouffi, who was so extroverted and friendly it was literally impossible to escape her clutches of socialization)
As I grew older, I learned through a lot of trial and error what makes a good friendship.
Or, rather... what's the best way for someone to WANT to be your friend (without being superficial or hypocritical.)
Now, obviously, this doesn't work for everyone. But this is what I found helped me the most in social circles (especially online) and I hope it can help others too
LET'S BEGIN!
1 - Be yourself
Now that sounds very cliche and cringe, I know, but hear me out, because my opinion on this is not the same as all those feelgood inspirational movies and ads.
"Being yourself" isn't as simple as it seems. Because after all, what does "self" imply? If someone is, say, a criminal, would "be yourself" mean that they should embrace their sinful side?
No, obviously not.
"Be yourself" is a bit more nuanced, but I'll try to boil it down for you.
It just means "be unashamed of your qualities which you think are flaws". For example, "be yourself" would apply to someone who sees themselves as ugly, or maybe someone with an odd yet unharmful hobby, or a weird sense of fashion, or someone with say a handicap, a speech impediment. "Be yourself" is a sentence for the specific people who have genuine good in them, but are afraid to show it to others because they have been persecuted in the past, or are scared to be. It does NOT mean to accept genuine flaws. "Be yourself" does not include say violent anger issues, an addiction, a recent crime committed, or a generally unpleasant personality. Those are obviously not things to encourage. You can understand they may be a thing that happen to you, and accept it in your life, but that's different from being proud of it or encouraging it.
Speaking of personalities... let's talk about that
2 - Be kind
Now when some people hear that, they think it means "always smile no matter what, always look happy and positive, always agree with everyone just so you don't hurt their feelings, and never cause any drama", like you're Deku in My Hero Academia or Steven Universe in his titular show.
But that's... not quite that.
Obviously, kindness is something you use to help people feel better, to cheer up, and feel happy, and obviously to be kind, you need to have compassion, heart, empathy, and always put yourself in other people's shoes regardless of who they are. But it is not necessarily all-encompassing.
There's a rule that I think anyone learning kindness must learn. It's that sometimes, kindness means to be firm.
Not mean, of course. Not judgmental, not insensitive. Don't insult anyone, don't belittle or patronize anyone or make them feel inferior to you. That's still very rude and that's not what you want.
But what I mean is that sometimes, if you know that a person's actions towards something are wrong, especially if it's towards someone else, you must be able to point it out, and act accordingly. Don't just stand there and agree with them just because you don't want to hurt their feelings. You must still be able to know right from wrong. Kindness just means you won't be an ass about it, it doesn't mean to stay silent.
Hey, that brings me to point three!
3 - Show your own opinions
If there's one thing people hate just as much as meanness, it's those who stand by and do nothing about it.
Regardless of if you agree with them or not, if you say absolutely nothing when genuinely bad behaviour is happening, out of fear of "starting a fight", you are actively making the person who is being attacked feel alone.
I remember myself, when I was bullied in the first two grades of secondary school (11-13 years old for those who don't know) for "being ugly", I was told by my mother (who was friends with other kid's parents) that some of the kids "didn't hate me" and "didn't agree with the bullying". And I asked her "if they don't hate me, why won't they talk to me?" She never managed to answer that one. And it broke my heart, because outside of my sister, I had no one else.
Don't be like that. You may be scared of acting, but you know who would be grateful if you did act? The victims. And isn't their opinion of you much more important than the opinion of someone who acts with hatred and bigotry?
If you see someone suffering injustice, or even just hear someone who has a rather harmful opinion, don't be scared to tell them that you disagree. Obviously don't be an asshole about it, stay civil, but if you voice out your opinion, you will be seen as someone who stays true to their beliefs and is brave enough to stand up for them if the opportunity comes.
There's obviously much more that comes with social life (nonverbal cues, sense of humor, timing and mood), and I don't know everything (I'm just some random québécois girl on the internet). But I hope this was a bit more helpful. I did have fun writing this, at least. So I guess that's better than nothing!
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imkrisyoung · 2 years
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When I was in middle and high school I was ridiculed by my peers for watching shows that they considered to be “immature” for my age.
It was the early-to-mid 2000s, and my classmates were watching shows like American Idol, The OC and Grey’s Anatomy. I was watching kids’ cartoons like SpongeBob, Fairly OddParents and Jimmy Neutron. These kids often bullied and pressured me into watching the shows they liked. Even my school counselor said that I had to watch the shows my peers were watching if I wanted to have friends, and I mentioned to her that I was lonely and wanted some friends.
My mom didn’t allow me to watch The OC, so I started watching Grey’s Anatomy and American Idol instead. I was starting to fit in with my peers at school, but it severely cost me my mental health. In my sophomore year, I became even more depressed than I already was. It was like my personality just completely changed in just a year.
To this day, it’s still hard to enjoy an episode of SpongeBob or any of the other shows I liked back then without being reminded of the times where I was ostracized for liking those shows.
I hate that neurodivergent kids are always being pressured into acting as close to neurotypical as possible by not only their peers, but the adults around them.
Leave. Neurodivergent. Kids. Alone.
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nightbunnyusagi · 9 months
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Autism and tactlessness
I don't know if this is part of the general autistic experience or is more specific to people who grew undiagnosed — I can only speak for myself — but something that really bothers me and makes social situations far more exhaustive than I think they could be, is policing everything I say.
I was diagnosed with ASD after adulthood, but I didn't need a paper to see, throughout my whole life, that I struggled and suffer the effects from it. And one thing is that I am aware, as my loved ones like to point out, that I am "tactless" a lot of the times, which can mean I don't realize when I'm being rude, annoying or inconvenient, specially when I can't understand why that'd be.
Because of that, I was often corrected while growing up. Things that I said that were plainly honest, spontaneous or curious were pointed out as bad, usually without a good explanation on why it was bad, just that it was. After that, I'd usually be punished in a way or another, being not getting an explanation, receiving silent treatment and being ignored, having people mad at me, shouting at me, blaming me for a myriad of things or accusing me of things, laughing at me. All that came off as a punishment for being and talking the way I was.
Years ahead, now that I am an adult, I realized I learned something. Instead of learning why saying certain things is bad, I learned to be scared of what I say. I feel tense and constantly try to analyze what I'm gonna say even when that is meaningless because I can't find what could be bad about it in my memories. If I get too relaxed and let the words slip away, I get anxious I might've offended someone. I'm constantly scared to be offensive and be punished again.
That also means I am always scared of being abandoned by the people I love, and my first assumption will always be that I did something offensive without realizing. I know I'm an overall grumpy person, but I tend to be scared of people when they're mad, I tend to get anxious that they'll never want to talk to me again and I'll be alone.
I am exhausted of fights that I don't understand why even happen. Of not understanding why people get mad at me. Of feeling rejected by people I trusted and loved. Of overanalyzing everything I say and still being scared of going through all that again.
Disclaimer: I am one autistic person, late diagnosed and low support needs, talking about my experiences and opinions that I believe are related to autism. I do not speak for other autistic people, only for myself.
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esrah-rah-rasputin · 5 months
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You know I think why a lot of autistic kids come off as condescending/bossy is because they spend their lives being corrected by adults as to what is the "right" way of doing things, and expected to take it as genuine advice and without offense. So why would someone assume that's *not* how others are expected to take it?
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duaghterofstories · 3 months
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You know, as someone who is autistic, I will never understand the hatred of small talk.
Like, a lot of the autistics I've seen complain about there not being a script for social interactions and they never know how to respond, but there is one.
Are you at a party standing next to someone and it's awkward? Simple. Small talk.
No you don't respond to 'How are you?' with a breakdown of your medical history. You say 'Fine, and you?'. You discuss the weather, because you both know what the weather is. You ask how they know the host and nod politley as they explain.
Boom, awkwardness gone.
You cannot complain about there not being a social script and complain about the one that is still there.
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themaskedlady · 9 months
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skeptisystem · 8 months
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any other autistic people not understand the difference between being friendly with an acquaintance and being like too much and overbearing? like i don't know what things are just going to be interpreted as trying to make friends vs being desperate and obsessive to someone you aren't friends with yk.
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something about autism i don’t think is talked about enough: not being able to let little inaccuracies go
i once had a fight with my sister about whether her sweater was a sweater or a shirt (i was right, it’s a sweater) that resulted in us not speaking for three days. the idea that she believed it was something else felt HUGE to me, this huge wrongness in the world
my dad thought something (it’s so small i don’t even remember what now), and i knew it was wrong. i spent six hours essentially writing an essay no one asked for on why it was wrong, spent multiple days angry at him every time we spoke. i was 17, not six.
i’m currently in tears because my friend thinks you need to wash your chicken. this may well end our friendship. it’s the stupidest thing ever, but i can’t bring myself to let it go. i wish i could. i’m literally nauseous, sobbing, resisting the urge to bang my head against the wall in a destructive stim meltdown state. typing this is the only thing keeping me from hurting myself.
these are just the instances i could come up with rn, but i know there were others. people used to (and still will) dig in either things just to fuck with me, and it would always turn out like this. it just feels like something is fundamentally wrong with the world and i need to fix it, no matter how insignificant it seems.
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bifflesnitch · 9 months
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The undiagnosed neurodivergent experience of being the only friend to all the obvious/non-masking neurodiverse kids who used to get bullied by everyone else at school because you didn't see anything wrong with them.
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lenorblr · 7 months
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AAA MY HEART ❤️ MY SOUL 😭🙏THIS SONG... THIS STORY...it's beautiful 😭❤️
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kyahcomic · 1 year
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Rejection Sensitivity as an autistic
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feralgeese · 11 months
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autistic tumblr do y’all think it counts as neglect if you are definitely autistic but your parents never got you tested as a child despite your brother having been dxxed young and you showing traits and behaviors of autism? and today still not wanting to get you tested because it costs a lot of money but it’s not like you’re struggling for money or anything? even though you’ve explained so much why you probably are? and everything was passed off as anxiety and depression? and how because you never got dxxed as a child you had to suffer because you didn’t have access to the same accommodations your brother did and now you mask heavily and flinch at everything
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It's weird how going on walks is so refreshing for other people.. and it's something that makes me tired af. Every time i go for walks i get so tired, and that tiredness can last for the whole day.
When my family goes for walks they feel "refreshed and more awake" as they say. However i just get tired and feel like laying in my bed for hours upon hours. So when i actually go for walks, i mostly do it in the afternoon.
What about you? does going for walks mak you tired as well or is it just me?
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twighdark · 1 year
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The more I think about my childhood, especially my primary school to early middle school years, i realize how messed up they actually were and I just didn’t notice thanks to my neurodivergency.
I was bullied, relentlessly. Not in the “gimme your lunch-money”-way, but in the *giving extremely convoluted game rules so you’ll get frustrated and leave* kinda way. The kids who I considered friends only kept me around for a handful of reasons:
- free entertainment because I was “too stupid” to notice them tricking/making fun of me,
- defending them against teachers since I was a good student and had some more breathing space,
- doing the homework they didn’t wanna do because it was “too hard” for them, and I just wanted to help,
- asking me favours they knew I wouldn’t come to collect,
- an extra birthday party to attend, and finally:
- me being far too understanding and not angry when they didn’t want me around for any reason.
The moment we hit 5th grade, the boy who I considered to be my best friend told me flat-out that he was not interested in being friends anymore. It hurt badly, especially since he was so nonchalant about it, but I just rationalized it away. we’d be in different classes, after all.
Nope, he had just never really thought of me as an actual friend at all. Turns out his grandmother had put him up to it, since she “felt sorry” for me.
A “good-luck letter” that we were supposed to write to one of our friends at the end of 4th grade, since some of us would be going to other schools, came from my homeroom teacher while I wrote something for said friend. But that was okay, since everyone else had already figured out who was writing to whom, and I had just been to slow to join a group.
Nope, they deliberately exluded me, since nobody was interested in writing to the weird, fat kid, and my teacher felt sorry for me.
In general, the only reason why adults always seemed to favour my opinion was because it coincided with theirs. I was a nice, hardworking, undisruptive student. I was an “old soul”. I was convenient. I was such a social outcast that they, while they felt sorry for me, could guiltlessly use me as the joykill rule-enforcer, since my social standing couldn’t possibly get any lower and I happily and dutifully followed every rule there was.
So much more stuff happened, or didn’t happen that should have, that this post could go on forever. And I didn’t even notice it until I was around 17, already better integrated into my environment because I finally perfected my mask. For the most part. Still fat, still a little clueless, but acceptably so. I found that letter from my teacher again. I broke down crying because I finally understood that back then, my “friends” couldn’t have cared less and I was always just a charity case to the teachers.
In the end, I grew either smart, confident, or manipulative enough to not be messed with anymore. I lost a good chunk of my genuine kindness to those changes, and the changes hurt. I had to reinvent my whole personality and approach just to not be the clueless laughing stock anymore, and I lost a lot of myself in the process.
I got some genuine friends later on who are mostly, ya guessed it, also neurodivergent. I still struggle with differentiating which parts of me were actually there in the first place, and which parts I had to build out of self defense, because those are the ones that give me breakdowns.
I spent the majority of my life thinking I just had a normal childhood. The moment the truth hit me, so many of my mannerisms, my anxieties, my traumas, finally made sense. And I’m still reeling from it. Likely will be for the rest of my life.
So for the record:
Kids are far more cruel than you might think, kids behaving more like adults than kids is NOT normal or healthy, and if you’re neurodivergent and think your symptoms only showed up once you were a teen or older, reconsider. Chances are, a lot of trauma responses actually stem from stuff you didn’t even notice at first.
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abductedlawnchair · 6 months
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If anyone ever doubts that I'm autistic, they should know that when I was 10, I somehow obtained a really big collection of baseball cards; not because I gave even two shits about baseball, but because of the many ways and combinations in which I could spend an inappropriate amount of hours sorting and re-sorting them
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