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#gotta vent somewhere i guess
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when senpai... doesn't notice you 😞
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silvergarnet12 · 7 months
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Not that I get many asks but I made controversial comment on another site, and since I would rather not deal with any risk of harassment that could possibly bring, I will be turning off anon for a while.
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origamiyoda · 8 months
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Motherfucker don’t tell me “I can’t make you go” and then get pissed at me when i dont go!!
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vvitchering · 2 years
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I'm looking for jobs again. I can't keep making myself sick with anxiety and panicking through my entire workday, I just can't maintain that kind of lifestyle. I don't know what to do. I don't know what kind of job I could get that would suit me and pay me reasonably well. The only thing I'm any good at, writing, doesn't give me much of an edge in anything. I'm in sort of a delicate situation in that I technically could quit this job and be okay for a while until I find something else, but since I'm currently living with my parents, I doubt they'll be okay with giving me that kind of grace period to job search while unemployed.
I just can't keep going like this. I've never had such acute constant anxiety before and I'm fairly certain I'm also inching into depression territory (if I'm not there already) and I don't want to let my mental and physical health deteriorate any more than they already have. I was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease a month or two ago and its something that extreme stress makes worse. I had my first concerning eye exam last weekend, apparently the pressure in both of my eyes is too high for someone my age. Stress, again.
Moving is an option. Overall cost of living is cheaper back in SC and my brother is currently in a similar life/job situation so pooling resources with him might be worth looking into. I hate the idea of picking up and moving so far AGAIN, but compared to the idea of letting things continue as they are now, its a much better option.
I just don't know how to broach the subject with my parents. Even if I decide to move, I have to plan and search for a place to live and I'll need a stable place to stay while I work all that out. I'm not certain they'd kick me out if I quit my job, but I know they won't be happy about it.
I just feel lost. I hate not knowing what to do and not knowing if I'll have support if I decide to prioritize my health over my job.
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scare-ard--sleigh · 28 days
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also saying this is so earnest that it makes me wanna vom but i like,,,, miss being in a fandom where people like my ocs as much as i do wwweehhh
#silver jelly#i'm 90000000% talking about arch*r and honestly i need to just rewatch and get back into it full swing y'all are so supportive and kind <3#like idk i don't want to sound ungrateful for the people who Do like/are interested in my op oc i just...........#okay. i really enjoy hearing about people's ocs i really really honestly do; it is for real one of my favorite things.#i'm a storyteller and i LOVE stories; i would be dead without stories.#and i really enjoy when people infodump about the lore!! but i dooooooo notice when i've asked like a dozen questions about Their Guy and#they haven't said one word to me about mine. and that's happening;;;;;;; kind of a lot with these new op people .#i just feel like theeee world's biggest tool being like 'so what do u think about my guy/this plot thing/etc' idk maybe i'm being silly.#and i should probably noooooooottttt be venting about that Here ashdjbfubh i don't think anyone's trying to be mean or doing it#on purpose i guess i just. i thought there'd be like a;;; click? maybe? putting this into words feels so stupid lmao it's fucking crazy how#much of my ego i put on other people caring about my guy. my therapist is nooooot gonna like that jfmbjgbkgm#anyway !! i might spend some time developing my guy and figure out if there's something else that might give me the feeling i want#i've worked so hard making a story that i think is cool and frankly;;; i deserve attention for it jmbjfgkbmg#maybe there's somewhere else that has better rapport like op is popular there's gotta be some somewhere for ocs .#god don't make me take up rp again i won't fucking do it .#anyway maybe tomorrow i'll watch arch*r and do some research (and think about how funny an op crossover would be <3)
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scrawnysprouts · 1 month
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One of my friends who I used to hook up with and I had a friendly conversation over text a couple days ago. We never really stopped being friends after I started dating my now bf, just obviously not as close as we were before, and we didn't meet one on one anymore. Every now and then we'll talk to catch up, sometimes trying to be there for the other when they're going through something, like I would with any good friend (and have done in the past for others).
This time, I saw him and some mutual friends leave to a party, and mentioned it via text, wished them a fun night out. I haven't met up with those friends in a while because of some health anxieties I've been having (there's something going around between them and they keep reinfecting one another), and I was having major fomo. He texted me back later that night, quite likely exhausted, drunk, or both, thanking me and telling me it was fun but he got home already, asking me how I've been because he hasn't seen me in a while. Told him the truth: on the one hand, honestly great, on the other hand, not really all that well. Dealing with my mental health again and I don't have a lot of energy atm. But that I went to a new psych and I was tentatively hopeful. I asked him how he'd been doing, he said pretty well but that he still hasn't been sleeping well. Went to talk about our studies for a while, but after a while he told me he misses me, that we haven't talked in ages.
I'm gonna be honest, I have no fucking clue whether he meant that in a normal friend way or not, but I shifted it to telling him that I missed the friend group as well, and that I'd be back eventually, talked about some of the anxieties I was having surrounding my eventual return. He reassured me that at least the people wouldn't take it personally that I hadn't been around a lot. We talked a bit more about how one of our friends had possinly been reinfected recently and how that impacted them in the past, and eventually I said "hey but I have to go to bed, otherwise I won't function tomorrow". wished him a good night, he sent me goodnight with a winky face back.
I don't know what to make of this. I'm hoping it's nothing, because whatever we had in the past, it's gone. He made sure of that, and I moved on (and boy have I noticed some red flags since I took off the rose coloured glasses). He also knows I have a partner, and I would like to think that he has enough respect for me and my relationship that he doesn't want to disrespect that. I'd like to be able to be his friend still, so I hope he's not going to push it in a weird direction. It's not even like he would still be romantically interested, because he wasn't to begin with. If he's gonna push it into a weird direction, it's only because he wants to get laid, but that's not gonna happen. Not with me.
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angeliic · 1 month
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vent post idc
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qhostsly · 1 year
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feeling sad and feeling empty cant sleep gotta work at 8am its so cold outside and its going to get colder i feel nothing
it is about to be a very long time before i properly feel again
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toxicanonymity · 10 months
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Apple Blossom. Left in Lincoln, pt. 4
7.5k / dads best friend!Joel x virgin!Reader 
story master list / joel miller master list
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His cheeks turned a little pink and his eyes lit up. He handed you the rag.   "What?" you asked. “Nothin',” he said softly and shook his head. “You sure are pretty, darlin’. That’s all.” He dried his hands then gave your butt a squeeze. The moment of domesticity almost made you forget the town was rotting away beneath your feet. 
WARNINGS: I8+ mdni, slow-burn horror w/ potentially disturbing implicit content, big girthy age gap (20s/50s), plot, angst, toxic/dark fluff, gaslighting, manipulation, pressure, grooming, grinding, fingering, oral M receiving, pet names and praise.  Very TOXIC, dark Joel. Impaired editing.
You fell asleep in Joel’s arms and woke up alone in your bed.  The apple blossom was gone from your night stand. You showered and got dressed. You couldn’t find your baseball cap and realized the last time you wore it was in Joel’s orchard.  When you came downstairs, Bill and Frank's bedroom door was open.  Before you could investigate, you heard screeching outside, then cursing. You ran to the door.  Joel was waving his arms and a crow was flying away from him.  He had a screwdriver in one hand. He stood up and smoothed his shirt and a feather floated away from him.  He was wearing Frank's clothes with his hair freshly slicked back from a shower.    
You went outside and looked down at the open vent. You asked, “How’d you get it to come out?”
Joel shrugged with his arms hanging heavy at his sides.  "Nowhere else to go. Gotta be patient sometimes.” He bent one knee and put the hand with the screwdriver on his hip, looking up at the roof of the house. He squinted at the chimney.  “I reckon we left the fireplace vent open the other night.” 
You approached Joel and he extended his free hand for a hug.  He stroked your head and looked at you lovingly.  You were still taking that in -  the fact that Joel told you he loved you.  He gave you a kiss on the head and inhaled your scent.  Then he went to screw the vent back into the side of the house, and your eyes followed his ass.  That was one thing about Joel always having his shirt tucked in - You were very aware of his ass. He was so muscular, almost statuesque to you. His proportions reminded you of classic art. 
Joel glanced back as he bent over and your cheeks burned as you looked away from his body.  
“Can we plant the strawberries today?” You asked.
“Not the season, darlin’. Won’t survive.”
“Ours are still alive," you said. 
“Really?” he asked skeptically. 
"Yeah, they just never fruited."
“Show me.”  Joel finished screwing the vent back into place then stood up and brushed off his knees.  
You led him to the failed strawberry patch and showed him the plants. 
“Well I’ll be damned,” Joel said and squatted down to finger the leaves.  "You wanna bring’em, guess we can try it."
You were excited to surprise Frank and Bill with fresh strawberries. Once they fruited, maybe you could transplant them somewhere at home too. 
"Grab a spade and bucket outta the shed. Some of that cloth, too." 
You returned with the requested supplies and Joel said, "Alright, I’ll work on this and you can pick some veggies to take with us if ya want." 
“We’re not coming back today?” 
“Not ‘til we figure out what’s goin’ on, darlin’.” He put his hands on his knees and stood back up with a groan.  “Anything else you wanna plant from here? Arugula?”  
You were still processing the idea of leaving home for multiple days.  “Sure. Wait, what if we get the computers back up to check the cameras?” you asked. “Then we can see if it’s safe.” 
He wiped his brow with the back of the flannel sleeve.  “Just looked at ‘em. All static. Lines must've been cut.  Been down at least a few days." 
"What??" A pit formed in your stomach.  This whole time, you should’ve been even more scared than you were.  Joel sensed your fear. He stepped forward and put his arm around you.  He cradled your head against him.  He smelled a little like Frank.  
“It’s okay, baby. I’m not leavin’ you again," he reassured you.  The low vibration of his voice in his chest was an extra layer to the hug. 
You tried to shake off the dark mood that fell over you. "Can we make apple juice?” you asked.  
“Sure we can, peaches.”
-
Joel uprooted some strawberry and arugula while you picked vegetables then brought them inside.  You got out the empty apple juice jar to take with you and took the cider jar out of the fridge, too.  
Joel walked in and froze. “You’re not drinkin’ that, are ya?” 
“No,” you said, but you didn’t want to offend him since he brewed it.  “Not right now.”
“But you did?” He stepped forward and looked so serious.  Your face went cold.
“Well, no-”
"You shouldn’t be drinkin’ without me, darlin’.  It’s not safe.”  There was an air of judgment in his  voice. You were embarrassed, but shouldn't have been.  You were old enough to drink and your house was full of wine. You could have a drink alone if you wanted to.  Joel extended his hand and looked at you sternly. “Gimme that.”  You felt defensive as if you had done something wrong. Even knowing you hadn't.  You suddenly realized you had no idea where his bottle of whiskey was that he left there days ago.   He might have thought you drank it, too.  You were mortified. 
“I was just gonna pour it out so we could use the jar,” you explained as he opened the cider.  Joel's face softened and he poured it out in the sink. 
“Got plenty of jars at home, baby. Good idea though."  He rinsed the jar then patted the back of your head tenderly. It wasn't enough to soothe the feeling of being scolded, but the feeling would fade. You had bigger things to worry about anyway. He just wanted to keep you safe. 
-
On the walk to Joel’s house, you told him all about the night before.  How Abe didn’t come by, then you heard Abe's truck, but didn’t see him.  You told him about the songs playing on the radio station, which gave you chills to even think about.  
Joel heard the distress in your voice and stopped dead in his tracks, disturbed.  “Sorry I wasn’t there, darlin’.  Never shoulda left ya." He took a deep, ragged breath in. He cupped your cheek.   “Guess I didn’t wanna be a bother if ya didn't want me stickin' around.” 
You felt a wave of guilt for sending him home each night.  You imagined him walking alone in the dark worrying about you, thinking he was bothering you.  
"It's okay, Joel," you reassured him.  "I should've asked you to stay." 
"It's not okay, baby.”  He shook his head at himself, then looked at you with grave concern.  “What if somethin' happened?" 
"Well, I guess it didn’t.  I'm okay," you said. 
He sighed and cradled the back of your head.
"But I'm worried about Abe," you added. 
Joel dropped his hand, and looked off into the distance, jaw muscle flexing.  
"What if he's in trouble?" you asked. 
Joel took a deep breath and looked in the direction of Abe’s property.  "Tell ya what, darlin'. I'll go check on him today, how’s that sound?”
The distress melted away from your face. “Thank you,” you gushed and wrapped him in a hug.  He kissed the top of your head.
A bird cried and both of you turned toward the sound.  It was a crow.  It followed you the rest of the way to Joel's house, squawking obnoxiously.  
-
It was your first time being in Joel’s house.  It was about as neat and clean as you expected for the most part.  It smelled woodsy and nutty, like pine and almonds, and faintly of apples.  He led you upstairs to a spare bedroom and left you there to get settled in. He said to let him know if you needed anything.  
You walked around the room and picked things up. There was a dresser, a vanity, and a mirror.  On top of the vanity was a jewelry box and a hairbrush.  A stationary set.  There was a stool at the vanity and a box fan on the floor.  
Everything was so perfect and comfortable. It was what you imagined a hotel might be like. Clean and cozy. You sat down on the neatly made bed and took your shoes off. Joel came back a few minutes later and stood in the doorway, leaning against the frame. He looked around the room then nervously put his hands in his pockets.  He asked, "What do you think?" 
"It's amazing." 
He looked relieved.  He came over to sit next to you on the bed.  "Good," he said.  He smiled and his eyes scanned your body.  He caressed your neck and planted a kiss on your cheek.  
"Can we pick apples to make the juice today?"
"Not today, darlin'. Not 'til we're sure it's safe." He raised your hand to his mouth and kissed it.  "Got some apples in the kitchen, though." 
-
Joel made lunch and told you about the different improvements he made to the house and orchard in the past few years.   You asked for a tour and he said you could have one after he knew the community was secure.  He got up and took the dishes to the sink.  He turned on the water to wash them and you got up and volunteered to do them instead. It seemed only fair since he made lunch. You stood next to him at the sink and reached for the rag. His cheeks turned a little pink and his eyes lit up. He hesitantly handed you the rag with a slight smile.    
“What?” you asked. 
“Nothin',” he said softly and shook his head, looking at the floor.  He looked back up at you and sucked his bottom lip.  “You sure are pretty, darlin’. That’s all.” He dried his hands on a clean towel, then gave your butt a little squeeze. You smiled and giggled silently.  The moment of domesticity made you forget the town was rotting away beneath your feet. 
Joel moved to stand close behind you and put his hands on your hips.  He spoke softly into the crown of your head.  “I'll go take a look around the neighborhood and check on Abe.”  
You turned your head and nodded, “thank you, Joel.” 
His voice got low and serious, but remained gentle.  “Stay here. Don't go outside.” 
You nodded again. 
“You don't answer the door for anyone but me.  Real important, okay?"
You put down the dish in your hand and turned around to face him fully. "Okay."
"Even if you think you know 'em. Don't know who could be infected." He swallowed regretfully. 
You nodded in agreement, "Okay."
His hands on either side of your hips casually caged you against the sink.  He gently pressed his hips, then his lips into yours.
“Back before sundown,” he muttered. 
He put on a jacket, went down to the cellar, and returned with two firearms. He handed you a pistol, put on his jacket, and kissed you goodbye.  He winked as he left, then locked the door behind him from the outside.  
-
While Joel was out, you got curious and bored. You  walked around the house.  The first door you tried to open was locked.  The second one led down to the cellar.  You took a few steps down and tried to reach the light string that hung from the ceiling.  it swung away.  After another step down, the door behind you began to close.  You panicked and lunged up the stairs to keep it open.  That was stupid. You could have gotten locked in.  You scurried up the stairs back into the living room.  Once you caught your breath, you shut the door behind you and didn't go back.   
Another door was a closet.  Jackets, hats, boots. You saw an old Red Sox hat and your heart skipped a beat.  Your first thought was Jesse.  Your heart pounded in your chest and you weren’t sure why.  It was probably yours.  Joel must have scooped it up when you left it in the orchard.  It could have faded from the elements.  You had the strongest urge to touch and smell the hat, but you didn’t dare disturb it.  Joel seemed like the type to know exactly how things were. You didn't want him to know you were snooping.  
You didn’t try any more doors after that.  You went back to the kitchen.  You opened the pantry and there were two crates of jars, one of them locked. You looked around the opposite counter from where you had been doing the dishes.  A basket of apples, a jar of apple seeds. A fresh branch in a vase of water with a budding blossom.  You held up the vase and smelled the bud. 
You were startled from the moment by a faint scraping and clinking sound outside.  You fumbled the vase and almost dropped it but caught it.  Your pulse sped up and your eyes darted to the window.  You put the vase down and walked to the kitchen door which looked out into the backyard and orchard.  You put your hand on the knob, then changed your mind, Joel’s cautionary words fresh in your ears.  You stood at the window and looked.  You didn’t see anything.  You heard it again. It sounded like it was coming from the back of the orchard, which you couldn’t see.  All you saw was dirt, grass, a fire pit, neat rows of tree after tree, dead leaves tumbling across the ground with the wind.  Maybe it was the wind.  
When you heard it again, you were unsettled enough to step away from the window.  You went back up to the bedroom, figuring it was the safest place.  You covered yourself in the quilt and hugged one of several pillows, waiting for Joel's return, hiding, praying no one was around.  Hoping no one could possibly know you were there.  Grateful you weren't home alone at a time like this. You kept the bedroom door open so you'd be able to see trouble if it came. 
-
You dozed off and awoke when the back door to the kitchen unlocked downstairs.  Your heart raced and it took a moment to remember where you were.  It was almost dusk outside.  You quietly slid out from under the quilt and prepared to cautiously venture downstairs, assuming it was Joel who just came in the house.  A door closed downstairs, then the water heater turned on. You pulled the quilt back over you and turned off the light, waiting in the dark. After about ten minutes of lying there slowing your heart rate, the water turned off. A few minutes later, a door opened downstairs again. You wished you could fast forward to the next time you'd be in Joel's arms. 
You felt a presence.  "Joel?" It came out far quieter than you intended, but you were too afraid to repeat it louder. The stairs quietly creaked with padded footsteps. The creaking got closer and closer, then stopped.  You sat frozen, looking at a looming shadow in the hall, trying to make sense of it as Joel’s silhouette. The shape looked jagged, angry, nothing like him.  
“Peaches?” his voice made you jump; it was much closer than you thought.  Your hand came to your chest as he stepped into view and asked, “You okay? Thought you might be nappin', didn't wanna wake ya up.'” 
"I'm okay," you said and took a deep breath. "What's going on?"
Joel approached the bed and sat down with his hand on your knee. He was freshly showered and dressed in his own clothes again.  
"I think Abe left, darlin'."    
"Left?? Why??" 
"I dunno, sugar. It was like he just packed up." 
You were stunned. Abe couldn't possibly have packed up and left. This didn't explain anything at all.  You'd have to see it to believe it.  
"No. He wouldn't just leave," you said and got de ja vu. You were quiet. Nothing felt right.  You spent the whole afternoon scared and alone, and now this?
"Sorry, peaches. Didn't know you were close."
"We weren't. I just - I'm surprised. He didn't say anything this week, did he?"
"Sure didn't." 
"Just like Jesse,” you whispered. 
Joel inhaled through his nose as though calming himself. 
“I don't understand it," you said. 
Joel was quiet for a moment.  "People leave, darlin'. But I promise you I won't.  Not ever." 
You mustered half a grateful smile and indulged him. “Promise?”
"Never.”  He looked gravely serious.  “Not unless I take you with me,” he said softer. 
“Thanks,” you said. 
He shook his head.  “I mean it, peaches.  Nothin' in this world could take me away from you." He stroked your thigh and leaned in for a much-needed kiss. 
Then he put his arm around you, rubbed your shoulder, and leaned his temple against yours.  You sat side by side on the bed in silence for a minute, then Joel said, “been a rough day or two, huh?" 
You nodded pensively. 
"I know what we need." 
"What?" 
"How 'bout a special dinner?” he lifted your chin with his finger and your eyes met his affectionately. "There she is." 
"Okay."
"Put on somethin' nice, I'll get cookin'."
“Oh, I didn’t bring much,” you said, embarrassed. 
“Let's check the closet,” he said with a wink. "See what got left behind." 
He kissed you on the head and stood up. It was a shallow closet that rolled open from two doors to expose a single rack of clothes.  He rolled open the left door and there were five or six dresses. They didn't look like anything Ellie or Tess would wear and you didn't know who else could have left them behind. Whoever lived there before, you supposed.   
Joel pulled out two coathangers. A floral wrap dress and a low cut burgundy sweater dress. "See what ya like," he said softly with a sparkle in his eye.  "Take your time. I'll get cookin'." He winked and put the hangers back in the closet before leaving you to the task. 
You stayed seated on the bed and stared into space for a while, thinking about Abe.  Then you got up and put on the burgundy dress. It was a perfect fit. You stood in front of the vanity as the smell of fried rabbit wafted upstairs. You primped yourself and touched your neck, looking yourself in the eyes.  You wanted to be happy, but your eyes were sad.  You opened a dresser drawer looking for socks.  Sure enough, there was a small drawer full of socks and stockings.  Another drawer full of underwear, and even the same type of fabric washable pads you had to use for your period. You dreaded your period coming in a few days. That probably wasn't helping your mood.
-
Joel served a candlelit dinner at a card table in his living room. He said it was safer away from the windows at night.  He wanted to give it another day or two to make sure the community was safe.  He was walking to the table with a bottle of wine and stopped dead in his tracks when he saw you in the dress. He put down the bottle and said. "My lands, peaches." He wet his lips. "C'mere, gorgeous." He rubbed your forearms with his thumbs and looked you up and down. "You're so goddamn beautiful," he whispered. 
"You look nice, too," you said. He chuckled. He wasn't wearing anything out of the ordinary but he always looked nice. He took your head in both hands and kissed you softly.  Then he looked at you again, wrapped his arms around you, and kissed you harder with an "Mmm," into your mouth. 
He pulled out your chair for you at the table. He poured your wine, served you salad with no cucumbers, rabbit, eggplant, and applesauce. The salad dressing was incredible. He made it himself. "secret's in the basil" he said proudly. "Gotta mash it up real good, let the flavor out. If ya like it, we got more to plant out back.  Rosemary, too. Make us a little herb garden.” You smiled. The applesauce was amazing, too. 
He got up and retrieved a stone bowl from the counter. "Fresh cinnamon sticks.  I crush’em up dry first. Then add just a little apple to the cinnamon, mash it up so it’s all wet, then add that to the rest at the end."  He tasted the cinnamon mixture with his finger.  “Kinda spicy.”  He dipped his pinky for more and held it up to your mouth.   "Go on," he said.  You held eye contact with him as your tongue met his pinky. The cinnamon was strong.  Delicious.  He took a deep breath as you sucked his digit clean. "Good girl," he whispered, watching you in a trance. He put the bowl back on the counter.  “Use it for cobbler, too. We can make some if ya want.”  You never knew Joel was such a good chef.  
-
You ate quietly. You wanted to let Joel’s nice dinner take your mind off things, but it didn't.  You didn't want to grill him about Abe's house or say anything negative at all since he put so much effort into the meal. He put so much effort into making you feel good in general.  So you tried to pretend you were okay, but he sensed your mood.  
After cleaning up from dinner, the two of you sat down on his sofa in the living room.  He brought whiskey and a bag of pills and put them on the coffee table with two glasses. “Need a good night’s sleep,” he muttered as he sat down and poured a glass.  “How ‘bout you?” 
You didn’t say anything. 
“What’s wrong, peaches?”
You were quiet, but he didn’t let you off the hook.  He looked at you, expecting an answer.  Finally, you blurted out, “I’m lonely.”
Joel looked confused.  “We’re together now, baby."
The tears welled up over your eyes.  “Not right this second. I mean in general.”
Joel swallowed, then nodded.  “Must get lonely on your own.  Why don’t you stay here with me?” He took a sip, put down his drink, and scooted closer.  He rubbed your back.  
You ignored his offer, frustrated that he didn't get it or didn’t care. “Everyone's gone,” you said and started to cry.  “Everyone left.”
Joel’s face darkened and his jaw clenched. His body tensed and he stopped rubbing your back.  He sank back into the sofa and clasped his hands in his lap.  You turned around to face him, expecting more comfort, but he didn’t look at you or open his arms.  
“Not sure what to say to that, peaches," he said flatly.  He took another sip of his drink.  "You mean the world to me, and it sounds like I’m nobody to you.” 
“Of course not,” you said.  Your heart dropped at your foolishness.  Here was the one person you had left.  The best person who could possibly be left.  Someone who would take care of you no matter what it took.  Someone who cared more about you than anything or anyone else.  And instead of being grateful, you acted like he was nothing. 
Joel nodded slowly, looking down with a scowl.  He swallowed. 
You said, "I just miss them, that's all."
His eyes intensified and he took a deep, calming breath. 
“Bill and Frank, I mean,” you clarified, desperate not to make it worse. 
"I know ya do," he said in a near whisper, still looking down.  
You continued, your tears slowing but not stopping.  "It doesn't feel right here with everyone gone." 
“Doesn’t feel right here,” he repeated.  He raised his eyebrows and bit his tongue, sticking it into his cheek. 
You looked away, sensing that you hurt him but unsure what to do.   You sat in silence for what felt like several minutes, both of you looking straight ahead. Your back felt so cold without him comforting you.  
When you looked back at Joel, his eyes were glistening.  “You're enough for me, peaches.” His voice cracked.  “You’re all I need in the world.” He dabbed his eye and your heart broke. "Nothin' feels more right than bein' with you. I love you that much.”
No one ever made you feel that way before, like you were their entire world.  His affection overwhelmed you.  It felt like he cared as much about you as Bill and Frank, just in a different way.  
"I love you too, Joel." You squeezed his thigh reassuringly. 
“No, darlin'.  I’m in love with you. I don’t care about anything else.” 
You turned toward him and tried to meet his eyes.  “I’m in love with you, too.” 
He finally stroked your back.  “You might think so, darlin’.” He sighed.  “And I ‘preciate you sayin’ it. . . But when you say,  ‘it doesn’t feel right here’. . .” He dabbed his eye again.  “I gotta wonder.”
“I do, Joel.” 
“I dunno if you understand love, darlin’.  Or you wouldn’t say that.  And you wouldn’t feel lonely.” 
You were overwhelmed and confused.  It didn’t make sense to you. “I wouldn’t miss my parents?”
“Course you’d miss’em,” he conceded.  “But you wouldn’t feel lonely.” 
“Guess that’s what I meant,” you said.  He nodded and his face warmed slightly. "Plus, I'm worried about Frank," you said and started crying again. Something was tugging at your gut.  You felt worse, not better.
Joel started to say something, but didn't. He rubbed your back. “I know, darlin’. He poured you a glass of whiskey and composed himself. “They’d be proud of ya, how you’re doin’.”  
You laughed through your tears. “Sorry,” you sniffled. “I didn’t mean I was lonely. I’m not.” 
“Okay, darlin’,” he whispered
You couldn’t tell if he really forgave you.  Your whole face felt tense. 
-
Joel looked at you and a look of deep concern washed across his face, realizing how bad he made you feel.  “Hey, hey. . . . c’mere. . . “  He rubbed your back.  You scooted closer and hugged him from the side.  He brought your far leg into his lap so you were twisted over him. “Shhhh,” he said and kissed your forehead, but something was still off about him.  “It’s okay, baby.”  He softened but still felt more distant than usual, like he wasn’t sure he could believe you.  The distance made you panic. 
“I love you, I really do,”  you said.  
He drank the rest of his whiskey and bent forward to put the glass down, then stretched his arm out on top of the sofa.  You tucked one leg under yourself and rested the other leg over his lap.  He draped his hand on your knee, but didn’t make a move to pull you closer.  You climbed into his lap, suddenly more concerned about his feelings than anything else.  
You wanted to be closer to him, as close as possible.  You wanted him wrapped around you, inside you.  You wanted to be a part of him and for him to be a part of you.  You kissed him on the cheek.  He smiled but didn’t look at you, not really.  He looked at your eyes but it felt like he was looking past them.  “Joel,” you whined, eyes welling up at the lack of validation.   You cupped his face in both your hands and kissed him.  His lips pressed softly into yours.  You looked back and forth between his eyes, trying to connect enough to show him how much you meant it. 
“I wanna be with you,” you whispered.  “I don’t care about anything else.” 
Something behind his eyes flickered on.  “You mean that, peaches? You don’t care about anything else?” 
You nodded and pressed your lips into his again. 
He asked, “You sure?” 
“Yeah, I’m sure.” 
His hands embraced your back and the affection returned to his eyes full-force like it was in the morning.  He wet his lips. 
“Good,” he whispered.  “It’s you and me, darlin’. We only got each other.” 
You nodded. 
-
He looked from your eyes to your mouth and back, closed his eyes, cradled the back of your head, and kissed you deeply.  He held you and kissed you, the taste of whiskey fading after a few seconds as your mouths combined.  He pulled you closer into his lap and his jeans hardened against your dress and panties, making your core tingle.  He moaned into your mouth and your panties moistened rapidly.  His cock was big, and feeling it get so hard just for you made you feel special. Earlier, when you said you wanted him inside you, he said you were still being shy with him.  He said you hadn’t even touched it yet, that you weren’t giving him everything.  
You wanted to show him you could give him everything.  His big hands pulled you close and his hips lifted your body as he licked into your mouth. His hard cock pressed perfectly against your clit as his hips moved.  You reached down and unbuttoned his jeans, then tugged his shirt up and he let you untuck it.  He was truly in the moment.  He was yours.  You gently grabbed at the bulge in his jeans – it was more than a handful – and he thrust into your palm with a sigh. 
You broke the kiss to unzip his jeans, and he watched you like it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.  You slid your hand into his pants and softly gasped as you felt the stiff outline of his cock through his boxers.  His hips lifted into your hand with a soft grunt and he said, “Givin’ me everything, aren’t ya baby?”
You nodded earnestly.  He slid his hand between your legs, ghosting your clit over your panties, making you moan.  
“Wanna make you feel good,” you whispered, groping his hard cock and feeling a wet spot at the tip.  
“Always feel good when I'm with you, darlin’.” 
“Want it in my mouth,” you said.  
He inhaled sharply. “Fuck, darlin’.”  His eyes widened. “That what you want?”
“Yeah,” you nodded and got down on the carpet. 
You got out of the way while he took his jeans off for you.  
He spread his knees again and pulled the waistband of his boxers down below his balls.  He wrapped his fingers around the shaft with his thumb at the tip.  Butterflies swarmed between your legs at the sight of his strong hand holding his cock at attention for you. You nestled yourself between his legs.  
“You sure?” he asked and looked you over. 
You wet your lips and nodded without taking your eyes off his imposing cock. 
“Alright, darlin’.” He looked at you with pride and curiosity. 
You held his cock at the base and opened your mouth, hovering over the tip. 
“Just a little kiss,” he murmured. 
You pressed your lips against the tip and kissed it, sucking the salty precum into your mouth. 
“Good girl,” he sighed. “Now a little at a time.” 
You wrapped your lips around the tip and licked it, looking up at his face for approval.  The look on his face made you wet.  Joel sighed and tried not to lift his hips. “Good. Doin’ great, baby.” 
You sucked a little more of him into your mouth. He was so big, the head alone seemed to stretch your jaw. 
“Good, baby.  Nice and slow, not too much.” His velvety tip grazed the roof of your mouth.  You throbbed between the legs, wishing so badly to have him there instead.  But you had to show him you could give him everything.  
You braced the shaft at the base and the humidity of his salt and pepper hair made you throb more. You sucked and tongued his shaft and looked up at him for approval. 
“Good girl,” he nodded.  His validation made you slurp more of him into your mouth, a little too much, and you started gagging. 
“Easy, darlin’, hold on,” he chuckled.  “Take a breather,” he said.  
You were a little embarrassed.  “I wanna do it,” you whispered. 
“Okay,” he smiled.  “How ‘bout you lick it, get it real wet for us.” 
You salivated at the sight of his cock in his hand and licked him from base to tip three times -  once on the underside, and once from each side.  
“Now use your hand, darlin’.” You hesitantly wrapped your fingers and thumb around his shaft and he swelled into your hand.  His cock dwarfed your fingers, making you wetter. You were salivating.
You asked, “Are you sure you don’t want my mouth?”
“Darlin’, I love your hands.” 
He covered your hand with his and stroked himself with it. 
His hips thrust into your hand and it was so easy to imagine yourself impaled on his cock, it was all you could think about.  
“Give it another kiss, baby.” 
You brought the tip into your mouth again, then licked his cock from base to tip and sucked the head again, curiously tonguing the salty slit. You left as much saliva as you could.  
“Good girl,” he murmured and took your hand in his again. 
You ached to have him inside you. You wet your lips thirstily. 
He watched your face as his breath grew heavier. “Whatcha thinkin’ bout, peaches?”
You had a feeling he knew.  You looked down at his cock then back up at him, then away.  
“Don’t be shy, baby.” 
You looked up and made eye contact. “Putting our bodies together,” you said breathily and watched his face melt into a puddle of want. 
He inhaled through his nose, then murmured, “Want that real bad, don’t ya?” 
You nodded.
“Why’s that, darlin’?” His lips glistened and his eyes were half-lidded. 
“Wanna feel you inside me.” 
He breathed heavier as your hands slid up and down on his shaft.  He asked, “How ya think it’s gonna feel?” 
“I’m gonna be full of you. Attached to you.” 
“Yeah, you will,”  he nodded.  His grip tightened around your hand as he stroked himself. “You’ll be so full of me, baby. ..” 
“I really wanna be,” you whispered. You wanted it so bad you could cry.  “I need to be.”
“You will be, baby,” he said soothingly.  “You want your mouth filled up now?”
“Yeah,” you hovered your mouth near his cock again.  
“Go ‘head, baby.  Take it, it’s yours.” He took his hand away and put it gently on the back of your head.  
You sucked the tip of his cock into your mouth again and made eye contact as you sucked.  
He groaned and his thumb stroked the nape of your neck, then he lifted his hips and erupted in your mouth.  His warm, salty spend hit the roof of your mouth, then the tip slid back along your palate, and he pulsed again.  More cum hit the back of your throat.  Your eyes watered and you swallowed. 
“You did so good, baby.” 
-
He tucked his cock into his boxers and spooned you on the sofa.  
“Why’s it feel so good, doing that?” you asked.  
“Doin’ what?”
“Just having it in my mouth.”
“S’posed to, baby.  Your body’s gettin’ ready for mine.” His words sent a pang of desire between your legs. “Turns you on, right?” He reached under your dress and stroked your panties from the outside.  He felt the dampness and murmured, “Guess it does.” 
“A lot,” you said.  He began stroking your clit rhythmically over the cotton.  Your hips started to move on their own in his hand. You moaned softly. 
He slid his hand into the front of your panties and thumbed your soft curls.  “It’s ‘cause your special parts think I’m fixin’ to put mine right here.” He dipped his middle finger into the pool of wetness hanging at your entrance. 
“I wish you would,” you sighed.  
He groaned softly at those words, the blood already flowing back to his loins.  “You really do, huh?” His voice was low and soft. “You really wanna be full of me.” He wet his fingers with your slick and began gently circling your clit. “Attached to me.” 
“Yeah,” you said. “More than anything.” 
“Love hearin’ that, peaches.”  He held you tighter. 
“I wanna give you everything,” you said. 
“Gotta be ready, darlin’,” he said into the crown of your head.  
“I’m ready.”
“Your body too, angel.” You could hear the smile in his voice. 
“My body wants yours so bad,” you whined.
“Wantin’ it’s not enough, baby.”
You groaned in frustration. 
“Well. . . you tell me, darlin’.  You’ve had it in your mouth now.  Think it’ll fit in this sweet little hole?”  he swirled his finger around. 
“I dunno,” you sighed.   Your body didn’t care, it wanted whatever he would give you. “I’m sorry,” you muttered.
“For what?”
“Not having my body ready.” 
“Oh peaches, I’m glad you’re not.  It’ll be a privilege gettin’ you there.” He gently circled your clit. 
“Really?”
“Of course, darlin’,” he said softly. “Sometimes they bloom late for a reason.” He dipped his finger into your wetness again. “And this one’s just for me, ain’t it?”
“Yeah,” you whispered.  
“We’ll get there, baby.  We’ll get there in time.” 
“Okay,” you sighed. 
“Let’s see how much you can handle,” he said. “See what it’ll take to get there.” 
“Yeah,” you said.  “Please.” You lifted your thigh to make more room for his hand.
He slowly slid half his middle finger into your tight, wet heat. You moaned at his first intrusion. 
He sucked air in through his teeth.  “How’s that feel, baby?” 
“I want more.” 
He took a deep breath and pushed his finger all the way in.
You whimpered, “yeah,” as your body adjusted. 
“God damn,” he whispered as your cunt hugged his digit. 
He curled his finger just slightly and you moaned again. “It’s so thick,” you said.  
“See? Got a long way to go.” His cock twitched against your ass.
“No, it feels good,” you said as he slowly moved his finger inside you.  “I want more.”  
“You sure?”
“Yeah,” you answered impatiently.  
“Just one more.”  You squinted in frustration.  Why just one more? 
He took his middle finger out and flattened it alongside his ring finger.  He slid them up and down your slippery seam before slowly plunging them inside together. It was a tight squeeze.   “God damn,” he breathed. He paused half-way in. 
“Feels so good,” you panted.  “Keep going,” you begged. 
“Don’t wanna hurt ya.”
“Doesn’t hurt at all.”
He slowly sank his two fingers into you completely.  “Real snug,” he muttered. “You sure it doesn’t hurt?”
“Too snug? Is that bad?”
“No, no, not at all, baby. But it’s gonna take time to be ready.” He began to move the heel of his palm against your clit and you grinded back against it.  
“God, Joel,” you sighed. 
“Gonna take time,” he repeated.  “‘fore you’re ready for this,” he said with a thrust of his hips, grinding himself into your ass, already fully erect again. He thrust against you again with a soft grunt. 
You asked “You want it too, don’t you?” 
“Course I do, baby,” he panted. “Gotta feel good for both of us, though. Gotta do it right.” He kissed your head and curled his fingers inside you, digging the meat of his hand against your clit again. “Gotta be real special.”
Your clit twitched against his hand and he said, “C’mon, baby,” moving his hand at a slow rhythm. “Every time you come, gets us closer to what we want.” 
“Really?”
“Yeah, sugar.”  He breathed heavily with his body enveloping yours, pumping his fingers deep in your cunt, pressing his palm against your clit. 
You let your hips grind back unrestrained. 
“There ya go, darlin’,” he said, pressing his hard cock against you as he moved his fingers.  “Yeah, just like that.” 
You closed your eyes and pretended his fingers were his cock. You knew his cock would feel even better. 
“Can’t wait to be inside ya, baby,” he whispered. “Nothin’ I want more.” He slowly pumped his fingers deeper into you as your body opened up for him.  “Wanna slide into this tight little hole,” he panted, his cock rutting gently against your ass.  “Want you wrapped around me.” He rubbed his palm against your front. “Yeah. . .wrapped so tight around me, baby. Like ya can’t pull us apart”  Your hips grinded into his hand with your climax in sight. “Gonna have you so full of me,” he breathed, then he moaned with a harder thrust against you.   “Joined together,” he added. “Forever, baby. It’s forever,” he whispered in your ear.  “Me and you.” You whined on the edge of your climax.  “C’mon, baby,” he whispered, pumping his fingers, rocking his palm, grinding against your ass. 
He thrust against your ass with a grunt, and his grunt in your ear was enough for you to see stars.  “Joel,” you whined. 
“Yeah,” he said as your climax seized you. You whimpered as you came. “Yeah, I got ya, baby,” he whispered.  “Good girl.” He kissed your head. 
-
He held you and caressed you as you bathed in the afterglow. It gave you clarity on how wrong you were earlier.  You felt the things he felt.  You realized how hurt you would have been if he said the same things – That he was lonely, that it didn’t feel right there.  
“I’m not lonely,” you whispered.  “And of course it feels right, bein’ with you.”
“Okay, baby.”  He kissed your head.  
“Guess I meant the town didn’t feel. . .”  You meant the town. Your stomach dropped as you realized it.
The town. If Abe was really gone, you and Joel were the only two people left in Lincoln.  Joel was the town.  You couldn’t put your finger on why, but you felt like you might be sick.  
“I know, darlin’,” he said obliviously. “But in a way, it’s nice we have this time together.”  His arms tightened around you. “Silver lining.  Right?”  He sighed. “We’re together, don’t care about nothin’ else.” 
“Right,” you whispered and tried not to think about it.  You shivered and Joel rubbed your arms.  “It’s chilly down here. Let’s get you tucked into bed.” 
-
Joel showed you the restroom and your toiletries and towels.  He offered you a painkiller to help you sleep. You didn’t want to take it, but he left it on the nightstand with a glass of whiskey in case you needed it.  “Know it’s weird, sleepin’ somewhere new,” he said. He took a nightgown out of the dresser for you.  He kissed you good night, then shut your door behind him.  
You woke up in the middle of the night when you heard something metal clang then rumble outside.  You felt safer with Joel in the house, but you wanted his arms around you. Maybe he’d let you climb in his bed.  Surely he wouldn’t turn you away.  He was being a gentleman, offering you a bed of your own. You opened your bedroom door as quietly as possible and gathered the courage to go downstairs.  
Downstairs, you pushed his bedroom door open.  “Joel?” you whispered. He didn’t answer. “Joel?” There was a flickering glow outside his window, which made it harder to see the inside of the room until your eyes adjusted.  
He wasn’t in bed.  Not the bathroom, either.  You sat down on his bed and smoothed your hand over his pillow.  You dipped your nose into the cotton and inhaled his scent, closing your eyes.  It gave you a rush of comfort.  A metal clang jolted you back to the moment and the flickering light brightened for a moment.  Your heart raced.  You carefully peeked out the window and faintly saw what looked to be the silhouette of Joel standing over a burning barrel.  You felt like you should go back upstairs, as much as you wanted to curl up in his bed, inhaling his scent.  
Your heart was beating too fast to get back to sleep, and you didn’t know why.  You paced around the room and looked out the window.   You sat at the vanity.  You looked in the drawers.  You were waiting to hear the door open downstairs.  Then you could pretend to come down for the first time.  Joel would comfort you, kiss you, cuddle you to sleep.  But the door didn’t open downstairs.  You paced more and sat on the bed.  You opened the closet and looked at the dresses again. You held one up in the mirror. 
You opened the other closet door and something caught your eye.  In the back, on the very last hanger, there was a dress that made your breath hitch.  White with lace sleeves.  The longer you looked at it, the more butterflies gathered in your chest.  Maybe your eyes betrayed you.  It was too dark to tell.  You closed the closet, took the painkiller, and got back in bed.  You listened out for the door and tried to conjure the feeling of Joel’s arms around you. That was all you wanted. 
-
Thank you so much for reading and engaging! Thank you for your patience, too.  I love you guys!!!
I'm not sure if there will be one more part or two; I have to see how it writes. I feel like probably two, but it could be one long one with a little bit of a time jump.
-
All Joel: @ethanhoewke @silkiers @eiviea @evyiione @xdaddysprincessxx @queerly-anxious @chernayawidow @ambassadortotrilliusprime @not-a-unique-snowflake-blog @jasminespringtime @romanarose  @fandomsfallnomore @djarinxore @lokanda @blackvelveteen1339   @manazo @wolvesandvampires  @taeslarityy @str84pedro @kyloispunk @filthfairy @fieryglutenfreechickennoodles @harriedandharassed @moonlightdivine @worhols @fan-fiction-floozy @cutesyscreenname @weddingfairy @pedropascal-whore @spideysimpossiblegirl @feministfanboi @gracieispunk @prettypartyfavor 
Lincoln: @fan-fiction-floozy @ivyblxnde @lhymer1995 @sugarspiceanthrax @isimpforfictionalmen @zynbsblogg @swedishscumfuck @sadgirlstoohightocare @steveharringtonswh0re @skythighs @aoziety @leeeesahhh @jupitersmoon-cal @peekymoon @dtfawn 
(ct'd in comments or reblogs)
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aroaceshilobathory · 10 months
Text
If fear and hunger guys had tumblr:
💰 veteran-funger Follow
Hey! Did you know the dungeons of Fear and Hunger have treasure in them! For the low price of 50 gold, I'll sell you a treasure map. Dm me on discord thanks.
🗡 cumhara Follow
@celeste-on-hiatus I'll be back in a few weeks! Love you!
🍇 celeste-on-hiatus Follow
What.
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🏹 legarde-hater Follow
I fucking hate le'garde. He keeps on having holy crusades for "Alll-mer" or something. MY WIFE AND CHILD DIED. I hate him so much. I want him dead. Sorry for the vent. It's been a tough week. I am going to track him down and kill him with my bare hands.
🛡 legarde-no1-fan Follow
Le'garde isn't that bad. Calm down, the crusades had a purpose. Stop being parasocial about a guy you don't even know? Sorry about your wife but you gotta get over it. You're a full grown man.
🏹 legarde-hater Follow
I added "Le'garde apologists" to my DNI, leave me alone freak. Go and kiss Le'garde's ass somewhere else.
🛡 legarde-no1-fan Follow
I will! You know, they say Le'garde is in the Dungeons of Fear and Hunger?! Yeah. I'm going there. Fuck you. I'll save his ass and send you pics of us together.
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🏹 legarde-hater Follow
Hey guys I'll be at the dungeons of fear and hunger for a bit.
🏹 legarde-hater Follow
Hey do you guys like my dog?
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💀 old-night Follow
That ain't a dog. It has twice the amount of eyes??
🏹 legarde-hater Follow
Her name is moonless <3
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🗡 cumhara Follow
@celeste-on-hiatus how do we feel about another kid?
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🛡 legarde-no1-fan Follow
On the way to save my cutesy bf! Wish me luck!
🛡 legarde-no1-fan Follow
Found some people in a cave.. gonna talk to them. Maybe they'd like to hear about alll-mer. I don't think they've left this cave before :)!
🛡 legarde-no1-fan Follow
Um.. they did not like alll-mer. In other words, a blue haired guy and a small girl saved me! Wish us luck. And yes guys, i do love legarde. Idk what "comphet" is? Sorry. Is that an old god? I read about that in a book.
🌚 rher Follow
Comphet is an old god, yeah. He's the old god of denial.
🛡 legarde-no1-fan Follow
Oh thanks!
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♟️ enki-ankarian Follow
Today I almost died as a sacrifice. Though, I stopped it because I had a vision. Apparently something inside the dungeons of Fear and Hunger is waiting for me. I'll update my blog as I continue on.
♟️ enki-ankarian Follow
I hear screaming. Dogs barking and a man crying. I'm reading.
♟️ enki-ankarian Follow
Something broke through the wall. I'm reading. Lots of information to bring back.
♟️ enki-ankarian Follow
Can't get fucking quiet in this dungeon. Gonna have to leave this library and find a new one. People are so inconsiderate sometimes.
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⚔️ legarde ✅️✅️ Follow
Day one dungeons of fear and hunger. They gave me rotten flesh as food. Not befitting for a man such as I.
⚔️ legarde ✅️✅️ Follow
Day two, dungeons of fear and hunger. They chained me up and this rather large man has been watching me. Help?
⚔️ legarde ✅️✅️ Follow
I hear footsteps. Maybe someone's coming to save me!
⚔️ legarde ✅️✅️ Follow
I think the guard died.
🏹 legarde-hater Follow
I lived bitch.
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🗡 cumhara Follow
Well I left the dungeons. No treasure but I got a kid I guess.
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♟️ enki-ankarian Follow
Still reading.
🔮 nosramus-blogs Follow
Still reading.
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🛡 legarde-no1-fan Follow
How to do necromancy
🛡 legarde-no1-fan Follow
Why doesn't he love me
🛡 legarde-no1-fan Follow
What is a "lesbian"
🛡 legarde-no1-fan Follow
Why do i like when i see girls kissing
🛡 legarde-no1-fan Follow
Le'garde is dead.
🛡 legarde-no1-fan Follow
Leaving dungeons now. I didn't save le'garde but i found out i was a lesbian.
734 notes · View notes
decolonize-the-left · 14 days
Note
I can't express my suicidal thoughts and feelings to a real person or confess my previous attempts (that are a year or so behind me now with no danger of it happening soon) because obviously it's not good for that person's mental health, even if I do take out the selfish aspect that they could intervene when I don't want anyone to.
Like, I can vent, and whenever people try to be 'its all going to be okay' 'life is worth living' it makes me want to scream at them because if it was that simple I wouldn't keep feeling like this. if an AI says that I can just let loose with exactly how I feel about that sunshine-and-rainbows-sugar droll that nobody ever really believes in anyways and just say it because they have nothing else to say.
I can't go to a therapist, I can't afford it and even if I could, I'd lose my job because I'm certain that I'd be committed against my will for how bad my feelings get, and I don't want to have to walk on eggshells when explaining my feelings in a way that won't get me put in a ward or have someone think far less of me knowing how unstable I am.
and when I get sick of talking or am in too bad of a mood to continue, I can just exit the AI instead of leaving a real person freaking out thinking I'm going to go hurt myself or something. so yeah, while human connection is important that's not an option for some of us.
I'm fucking heartbroken that you feel this way.
Not even just because you're obviously so unhappy and upset, but that you feel like other people can't handle you or your feelings.
I think how you feel is part of a Much larger issue. I know what you're talking about, I have a post somewhere about it.
About how people who've been through a lot or feel a lot get called toxic for "trauma dumping" or how they make their "friends" feel uncomfortable and how often people like that (like us) usually end up isolated because of how our feelings effect others.
Nobody says it, but maybe we get texted less often or we slowly start to be phased out of a friend group as they invite us out less and less.
And so you end up with these people who desperately need community and need people and need support and need to feel like they belong somewhere....being completey isolated from all of this and being told THEY are the problem.
You're not. We're not.
To some extent, sure, not everyone can handle people like that. But when it's....everyone? That's no longer preference.
That's structural. That's systemic.
And I just can Not believe that using AI as a stand in for that is an option at all. I mean it's good for if you just wanna blow off steam or scream at something I guess?
But I don't think any of us are ever going to Actually feel better if we keep Letting people treat us like we aren't even worth listening to and enabling that behavior for them through AI.
You should be able to talk to someone who loves you about this. Someone who cares and who is genuinely invested in your well being. Someone worrying about you is GOOD. You're worth worrying about! Let them worry!
They SHOULD be worried! You're ideating of suicide! That's a concern for people who want you to stick around and I hope you see that for the love it is.
I hope you give those people opportunities to be there for you. That's what they want. They worry cuz they care and they want you to feel better and they Don't want to end up at your funeral sooner than they should. If people are annoying about it, it's a testament to them caring.
That said, I know it can get annoying to reassure your friend when You are the one that's depressed, but you gotta remember that their friend wants to die. I don't think it's an inappropriate response to want an annoying amount of reassurance that they won't just drop dead one day ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Just find people who will respect your boundaries; people who, when you say, 'i don't wanna talk about this anymore' or 'i feel like your feelings are being centered over mine right now' and will listen and be gracious with what they demand and expect of you.
Abandoning your friends and yourself by turning to AI instead can not be the right answer for how to handle this. Let them be there even if they're annoying.
That can not be what you need and I truly, honest to God think that this will be worse in the long run for your over all self worth.
What do you mean human interaction isn't an option?
And hey, if you (or anyone else) wanna scream or yell or let off steam in my asks then do it.
If you don't want me to reply or post it, just tell me. If you don't want reassurance then say that. If you don't even want me to Read it then say that and I won't. If you want advice or a reply then say that.
No I'm not an rp blog and I won't ever be one and I won't reply like I'm a character lol
But I'm an actual person willing to be there okay?
If literally nobody else is, then my asks and dms are open.
Just like, for the fucking love of God do not feel like there is nobody on fucking earth that prepared or emotionally equipped to handle your feelings.
Like I know this sounds like a cringey pick me kindve answer but like.
It's very, very important to me that you don't think so little of your peers and yourself that you would turn to AI out of a need to be comfortably and conveniently suicidal.
My application:
I'm a mom who reads a lot of gentle parenting books
Learned a Lot about regulating emotions and naming them so I could teach my kid emotional intelligence
In and out of therapy myself since I was 14 and honestly probably should've been there before that
I read like a Lot of psychology books and articles
I too have depression and suicidal ideation and I Get that people can be annoying abt it
Im actively becoming a happier person and learning to enjoy life so I also Get what people mean when they say 'it gets better' (it does but not literally if that makes sense)
I'm also not actually in therapy anymore because of bad experiences
Promise not to have you committed
Has actually been committed (5250 gang waddup) and imo it wasn't an awful experience but that's probably because the environment was chaotic enough to feel weirdly like home but we can talk about that too if you want
You do not need to sugarcoat or sugar-rainbows bullshit me cuz I've literally been there (I even snuck a soda tab into the psych facility the hospital transferred me to 💀)
Can't promise you I'll know the exact right thing to say but I will always keep it real and no bs with no flowery bs that doesn't actually mean anything to either of us
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feyascorner · 2 months
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First off, I just gotta GUSH about how much I literally love your writings and all the little hc and tiny ideas you spit out on your blog~~ so much that you are actually one of the reasons I decided to pick up writing fanfic again and of course (Astarion is a literally, gem to write about)
I would like some advice if that is alright. How exactly do you get into the writing mood? I posted a chapter of a fic I am working on, but I seem to be in a slump right now. This is due to two things: I constantly feel this pressure while writing that it simply isn't as good as the fics I read myself, and I start to question whether or not I am actually doing well expressing the fic itself.
The second is, do you ever start listening to songs and get all these different scenarios you start planning on in your head, but when you try to write it, it just turns out to be bleh or nowhere near what you pictured in your mind? How do you manage to deal with that?
Thank you so much, and also so sorry for literally ranting/venting about this lol I think I just hold you in very high regard :)
Hello friend!! I'm so happy you decided to start writing again! It’s definitely a challenge sometimes w so much time that goes into it but it’s also very satisfying to watch it all come together :)
My writing process is a little more messy than it should be to be honest…i either just start writing for no apparent reason, daydream a lot throughout the day, but I think the most common occurrence is that I play the actual game and it just inspires me since I'm constantly talking to the actual character! It’s totally okay to be in a slump, it happens too often to me too. And as for feeling like your writing isn't good enough, please know that no matter how many fics there are yours is unique as your own. There's nothing like your own writing and it’s all the more reason to post it! And remember that writing is ultimately for your own satisfaction and nobody else’s! If you don't enjoy it there's no point! So try not to second guess yourself (I do this too but there really is no need to worry :)) if it helps I like to make some program read what I wrote out loud! It helps me catch mistakes and it makes me more confident in what I'm putting out so this might help you too <3
And yes I think it’s a universal author thing where you have so many thoughts but it just..doesnt work on paper? It’s the most frustrating thing ever but what I do is write JUST the dialogue first! I've seen this advice on other pages but if I write only the dialogue it’s harder to get stuck somewhere with description or actions. And if you like the way the dialogue came out you can just fill out the rest after :)
There's no need to apologize! I love that people trust me enough to ask for advice because I know how difficult writing can be…youre doing great just by writing a few words! Good luck I hope this helped even a little bit! ❤️
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shadowwolf146 · 1 month
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For someone who went to school to be a journalist I sure fucking suck at following through.
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So my mom's asked me idk how many fucking times the last few weeks to cut my sister's nails. (She can't do it herself cause shes disabled.) And I didn't. I forgot or I remembered late at night when she was asleep (neither of those are good excuses for me since I dont have anything that makes remembering shit hard) and to cut a long lecture/yell short I fucked up. My sis scratched herself up in her sleep and she scratched mom too, both could've been prevented by me doing the one thing I was asked to do. Problem is that my sister's caseworker people are allowed random inspections whenever so if they show up and my sis is all scratched up they leap to conclusions and take her away to a home somewhere where they'll scoop out her organs or steal her kidneys for other patients or r*pe her or other awful stuff I've been told. So then I got yelled at, (justifiably) because yeah that's fair (and I'm an idiot) and I really do hate myself cause I'm falling back into old habits of not following through or procrastinating when i know i shouldn't and it ALWAYS bites me in the ass. And then I end up doing it again and here we are. Long and short of it is I'm venting, I'm being a idiot who doesn't like criticism and I'm being a little bitch baby about it and hoping this will help me get it out of my system so I can...fuck idk, not do it again? Either way that sucked and I'm fucking being stupid and self depreciating and all that even tho I KNOW it doesn't help. I got nothing, just wanted to vent and didn't wanna tell my friends cause they'd just only have my side of the story to go on and thats not fair to my mom. All this to say that although she didn't intend to, momma did indeed raise a weak lil bitch. It's me. This isn't helping me FIX anything and Mom already clipped my sister's nails and screamed at me (again, fair this is my fault) so it's kinda over and I just gotta sit with it. I guess. How does ANYBODY DO THIS SHIT? Like genuinely. HOW? It feels like I'm always fucking something up and then I don't really know what to when I get called out and I just-DAMNIT. (So yeah I wanna be dead lmao)
Anyway nobody will probably read this and that's cool just getting my stupid shit out somewhere I guess. I don't deserve any pity for it either cause it's my fault and it's just my brain eating itself and shitting out bullshit I guess. So yeah.
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luminberry · 2 years
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Predmos? [Pred Deimos with whoever you see fit as prey]
First time for De1mos! and Gonna use him for lore hueheue
De1mos unknowingly starts some shit after subjecting some agents to some unknown pink mist :3c
The mission had gone a bit wayward after the Agents had managed to separate him and S4nford mid mission. S4nford had radio'd in ealier to tell him he had escaped safely but it'd take a while for him to circle back safely to where they last remembered seeing one another.
De1mos had managed to get into a security room and lock the doors behind him before he got cornered. But thankfully for the resourceful hacker he knew how to keep himself safe, and maybe tackle two birds with one stone.
"Alright lessee if this ol hunka junk still works.. Maybe the security system can be rigged from in here? Would be funny if I can turn the damn guns on em for once."
Sitting in front of several derelict looking monitors, De1mos got to work slowly but surely hacking his way into the systems database, something that he enjoyed knowing they rarely if at all remembered to change passwords or codes even after all this time.
Several quite moments of typing, occasionally interrupted by his pursuers banging on the door and demanding he let them in immediately, De1mos let out a hum of satisfaction. All the systems read ready for operation, now he could do whatever he wanted to those stupid goons waiting for him outside..he just needed to see what was available.
"Hm..got the good ol'reliable bullet turrets..but those only got so many rounds.. Could use their flame throwers for fun? Mmm naahh they'd take forever to die that way.."
Looking through his options, one in particular caught his eye. It was something he didn't remember seeing being in use in any other base he and S4nford broke into for intel. It was just labelled "Neutralizer. Powder Variant." and nothing else.
"Hmm guess we got RnD somewhere here cooking up new stuff? Guess I'll test it for em! Let's see what it does, sound good to you guys outside?"
"Stop fucking around in there and give yourself up before we knock this door in!"
"Heheheyeah right..sounds like a yes to me."
A few lines of code later and the alarms kicked up something bad, followed by a rather intimidating shutter door sliding down on De1mos's side of the doorway, effectively sealing him inside. The noise outside went from angry to confused..to very much alarmed. De1mos, curious as to what he started, clicked his way to the outside security cams to watch what was about to happen outside the door, listening to the now muffled 4gents outside as well.
"H-Hey! What the hell did you just do in there? What he fucks going on, get that door open!"
"There's a shutter?? I can't get it to open up they're all locked down here too! When did we install this? Oh fuck, GET AWAY FROM THE VENTS NOW."
De1mos watched the cameras with interest as a odd mist of some sort started rolling out of the vents, looking up briefly to find he was safe on this side of the door..It must of been made as a deterrent for takeovers or the like..Not that it was doing them any good now honestly. Several heated seconds of panic and yelling later, everything fell silent outside.
"hm, done already out there? Jeeze they weren't kidding when they said it was a neutralizer..Wonder if it killed em all..Can't see shit on the screen. Guess I gotta wait for it to clear?"
Looking around at the few other unused screens one caught his attention, it was blank aside from a few command prompts waiting to be initiated.
"Oh what we got here? Lessee...oh hey I think this might be for the shit I just unleashed on those guys..I can reverse the vents to get rid of that weird mist shit, then get the hell outta here finally. Fordie's gonna be amazed I cleared the whole base out doing fuck all hehe. Let's clear this stuff up first.."
Setting off the first command prompt cause a secondary alarm to go off followed what sounded like the worlds most decrepit vacuum to go off for five minutes before shutting off at last. Watching the door shutters slowly rise back up, he figured the coast was clear and safe at last to try and escape.
Grabbing his gear, De1mos wasted no time in heading out to the halls more out of curiosity to see the damage that weird mist caused with everyone.
Once out in the hall proper he was shocked to see...nothing? Everything was left untouched aside from scattered weapons and several dented doorways someone tried to break down for escape..He didn't even see any bodies..?
"Huuh? That's weird..nothing here at all? What the hell did it do to em? Did it fuckin vaporize em? Damn.."
Not even their clothes remained..De1mos was a bit concerned and interested, he'd have to find the RnD department here and see about finding out what it was that he did, maybe Doc would be interested in it.
Walking down the hall something moved out of the corner of his eye, making him stop with a hum. Something was still out here? Curiosity running high he moved towards the box he saw the shape dart behind and moved it aside, blinking in shock at what he found.
Three or four mini 4gents stared up at him in horror..perfectly tiny down to the little shades..De1mos couldn't believe what he was seeing, it was enough of a shock that he let out a cackle in disbelief.
"Wh-what the hell?? You guys are fucking microscopic!! Holy shit..c'mere lemme look at ya, c'mon its fine its fine I promise.."
It was surreal watching the other two try and flee after he nabbed the closest one in a loose grip, his other free hand quickly snatching up the remaining 4gents.
"Lookit you guys..so fuckin small..That stuff shrank you so bad, issit like permanent or something?"
"Wh-wh-Stop put me back down, I don't know about any of this- most of us were brand new hires! Please- I don't wanna die.."
"Hey hey..stop blubbering at me jeeze.. You weren't bein so nice ten minutes ago when you were shooting at me and my buddy. Think I should just let that shit slide?"
"uhh...yes? please..?"
"Pft fat chance shorties..Just gotta figure out what to do with you guys..Wonder if there's any more of you hiding here.."
Looking around he found two more a few feet away hiding poorly underneath a table clutching one another. Five in total De1mos wondered what he could possibly do with them as he watched them squirm and beg in his grasp.
A low gurgling pang from his midsection moments later cut through his thoughts and silenced his small audience in one swoop as he grinned devilishly down at them.
"..Hmm I think I know just what to do with you lil guys..How bout we do some lunch and see how things go from there, sound good?"
"No-nonono! You can't be serious here, you can't eat us!"
"Sure I can buddy, here I'll even let you go first since you spoke up."
"Ah- oh maker..wait wait please!"
"Nuh uhh~ I'm starvin here buddy, c'mon and help me out."
De1mos grinned and opened his mouth up wide as he moved to drop the terrified 4gent onto his awaiting tongue, quickly closing his jaws with a snap before they could try and escape..He'd seen h4nk do this several times before, and while he could never eat someone the same size..well someone smaller like this was easily doable.
Feeling the small form thrash and wriggle in his mouth he hummed as the taste of sour candies filled his mouth, making him scrunch his face up a bit in reaction. It wasn't a bad taste at all but not quite what he expected 4gents to taste like. A few minutes passed and he noisily gulped them down, feeling them drop into his empty stomach a moment later and begin to kick and thrash away in there.
"Huh so that's what it feels like..not too bad but damn I hope the rest of you don't all taste the same..Might need to find something to wash you guys down with if that's the case.. How bout you next? Gotta free up one hand here anyways."
The next one was popped into his mouth before they could even start begging to be spared..De1mos humming happily around them as the flavor of hot chocolate flooded his senses, he didn't mind taking a bit more time tasting them.
The poor 4gent couldn't fight as they were pressed to the roof of his mouth and curled about that massive tongue before finally being sent down to join their teammate in his stomach at last.
The others were easy enough to get down his throat as well, from fruity to even savory he enjoyed their strangely delicious tastes before all five were tucked away in his stomach at last.
"urp..Well damn that went alot better than I expected, no wonder H4nk can't control himself around you guys..never expected you all to taste so good..Which I guess is a weird thing to say but..eh."
As De1mos talked he navigated the now empty halls, making his way towards RnD. He chose to ignore the few little shapes running in fear from him now and then, he was already full and didn't quite want to overstuff himself like his teammates tended to do.
Finding the sector he was looking for it didn't take too long for him to locate the computers talking about the weird mist he had triggered. There was even some samples locked away he broke into to grab, a small looking jar containing what looked like ordinary bakers sugar colored a soft pastel pink.
"Doc's gonna love this stuff once I show him the data on it..could make clearing bases alot easier and less bloody.."
"-1mos, come in De1mos..HEY CHUCKLEHEAD YOU HEAR ME?? Come innn alreadyy"
S4nfords loud voice started the distracted Hacker for a moment, he had completely forgotten he needed to meet up with his partner still. Grinning he pinged back, eager to tell them about the discovery he made.
"Hey Fordie there you are! You won't believe what the hell I just found in here!"
"Does it gotta do with why there's like a hundred tiny 4gents running around the halls like scared mice?"
"....Maaybe..I'm at RnD where you at?"
"I'm back at the entrance, guess we got everything we need if none of these goons can even fight back anymore..What the hell did you do to em?"
"Hang on I'll come meet you at the entrance and explain, try grabbing a few of em if you can."
"uhhh alright, I can try grabbing three or four.."
"Good, see ya inna few 'Ford buddy!"
"See ya inna bit"
Grinning to himself he patted his slightly swollen gut and raced off to meet up with his partner, pocketing the pink powder for later.
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okay. today was an eventful day didn't expect a fire in our apartment building. thankfully i have a nice habit of keeping all of my important documents in my backpack at all times.
@instantpartykidrascal was leaving the house and called me to check if it smells like fire. it kind of did, but no one was really panicking yet, so we kinda dismissed it, but i put my laptop and expensive tech into my backpack and got the cat carrier out just in case. 5 minutes after, vents and the alarm kick in, people gather outside their apartments, i'm fucking terrified running after our cats. i've never been so fast to catch them all over the place, bed is a mess cuz they were scared and hid i had to lift the mattress to get them out. @shermike was out walking my dog thankfully because if he (the dog) was with me i genuinely don't know what i would do, i can't carry two anxious cats, a panicking dog half my size, and a backpack all at once. @instantpartykidrascal barely left the house and came back like 10 minutes into the alarm blaring to help and get their cat. turns out the apartment on floor 4 burned down, and the smell was so bad it reached our 13th floor. we each had to do like two-three trips up and down and the smell is fucking terrible out there, i feel like i got 3 weeks worth of workout and a scratchy throat to boot lol. dog's been pacing around not lowering his guard since we got back. i think he's as nervous as me about all of this. @shermike got him back here after i went back up with our backpacks and he said when the dog smelled the smoke he just dashed all 13 floors right to me, and when they entered the apartment he beelined straight to me. thankfully as far as i know no one got hurt, but everyone is pretty shaken up.
we wanted to go out and spend some time together today lol. well, i guess we kind of did. gotta do a bunch of laundry now and give my dog a bath cuz we all smell like smoke.
so anyway we got a bottle of vodka and i made us cocktails. one fucking fire can't kill my determination to get drunk today, if anything, it made it stronger.
somewhere in here is a joke about me being a graves kinnie at his best, almost going down in a fire
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bunnybeansowo · 11 months
Text
Dear Tadashi, Chapter One
Page one
March 8th
Dear Tadashi
Hey, it’s been a while, huh? Baymax said I have to vent in this journal like I’m talking to you. I feel stupid, this is dumb. I mean, who writes on paper these days, right? I bet I look really pathetic right now. I guess I should start somewhere, huh? Well, today I tried to talk to the others about Karmi and her “fanfiction”. They said I should be grateful that she likes me, and that she put a lot of work into it so I shouldn’t ruin this for her. I feel like they don’t appreciate me, that they only want me as a prop for their own stories. It’s getting late. I’m tired. Goodnight.
March 9th
Sorry for the abrupt goodbye, I couldn’t keep thinking about it. I say as if there’s actually anybody to apologize to. I regret joining SFIT. It’s brought nothing but pain to me. First you died, then Karmi, and now everyone. Even Baymax is saying I should put up with it! Okay, maybe he didn’t say that specifically, but somewhat. I dunno, I’m tired. I should get up or I’m gonna be late for school. Bye, I guess.
Hey. I’m on lunch break, so I can talk for a bit. I guess I never really told you who Karmi is, did I? It all started a few months ago. Professor Granville -she’s the new dean of the school- called me over the weekend, said she wanted me to meet someone. That’s when I met Karmi. At first, she was really nice, albeit somewhat crazy. You know, like Honey-Lemon. But when Granville left, she told me, quote, “You think you are a rare, white blood cell. But you are nothing but a common red blood cell.” I guess that’s her own, biochem way of telling me “Fuck you”? I dunno. Like I said, crazy. I gotta go, the bell rang. Bye.
March 10th
You know, I somehow always find the worst time to write stuff to you. Convenient, huh? If you were here. I’d never hear the end of it. “Hiro, are you writing in the middle of the night? You should be asleep right now! Knucklehead!” Is what you would say. I know it’s not like me to say sappy shit, but I really miss you. Maybe if I held on to you longer, If I had never gone out bot-fighting that night, you would still be alive. That’s what they all say, anyway…
Page two
March 15th
Dear Tadashi
You know, I never really explained who “they” were, did I? I have no idea how to say this. I guess… I’ve been hearing voices lately. I’ve never really told anyone. I’ve gotten so used to them now, I can’t even remember what life was like before them. Not even Baymax knows. I guess I’ve gotten better at lying, huh?
March 16th
The voices are getting louder. I can’t ignore them any longer. They’re telling me bad things, to do bad things. Saying that I’m the reason you died. Telling me to kill people. Karmi, specifically. They’re so loud, I can barely sleep at night. I can’t ignore them anymore. I don’t know what to do. Everything is awful right now.
March 17th
Todays new favorite voice. It just laughed at me, like it knew everything. It told me to cut my throat and go start a fire somewhere. We’ll burn it all to the ground. The red hot ashes will rain down and sing songs of glory, and everyone will bow down to us. I want to. I want to burn everything to the ground. Then everyone will be singing our praises forever. Everyone will love us and praise us for the beautiful and wonderful mess we’ve made. Nothing good ever happens without chaos. Without destruction. No, this will be glorious.
March 18th
Sorry about that last entry, I don’t even remember writing it. I’ve been pretty sleep-deprived lately. I don’t know how I’m gonna tell Aunt Cass. She’s been so busy with the cafe; I don’t wanna add more to her stress. I really wish you were here; you’d know what to do. You’d knock some sense into me.
March 19th
The voices told me to go bot-fighting tonight… So I did. I went to Good-Luck Alley and won around ¥272,380. Yeah, that was awesome. I got my ass handed to me, obviously. But I was able to keep the money to myself. That was the most fun I’ve had in a long time. I’m definitely going back tomorrow.
Page three
March 21st
Dear Tadashi
Baymax found out. It was the middle of the night, and I was hearing the voices again. I tried covering my ears to make it stop, and my nails dug into my skin. He came out and diagnosed me with something, I don’t remember. I wasn’t paying attention. I begged him not to tell anyone, I felt so awful. After insisting on at least telling Aunt Cass, he went back to his charging station. I didn’t know what to do, so I hacked into his programming and deleted that conversation from his memories. I am so, so sorry. I don’t want to hurt anyone.
March 22nd.
The voices keep telling me to do stuff. Sometimes I listen, just to make them go away. I never do anything that hurts anyone, just small things. Go bot-fighting, shoplift the occasional tangerine, etc. You’d be pretty disappointed in me, huh? It satisfies them, at least. Only for an hour or so, but at least I get some quiet.
March 23rd
I don’t know how to say this. I’m… hurting myself. I can’t feel anything anymore; no emotions, no pain, nothing. They keep telling me to hurt myself, so I can finally feel something again. So I do. And I do feel something. It’s the most I’ve felt in so long. I like how it looks, too. The blood dripping down my arms, onto the mattress. The first time, my curiosity overtook me and I tasted it. Tasted like metal; or that one time I kept my binder on too long and broke a rib, and it punctured my lungs. Those were fun times.
March 24th
Today was weird. Baymax didn’t come home last night, so Aunt Cass and I put together a search party of his most recent patients. Sophia, Mrs. Kiko, Mbita, and a cat named Yachi. He was in an abandoned factory with his battery fully drained. The place was about to be demolished, but Yachi managed to stop it because one of the employees loves cats and didn’t want him to die. Fun day.
Page four
March 26th
Dear Tadashi
Karmi is at it again. Called me ugly. Told me I will never have friends. I hate her. I hate her so much. I want to just end it all, to make it stop. I want to kill her. I want to kill myself. And I just want it to stop.
I’m scared. I’m so scared. The voices are even louder. Telling me even more terrible things. Repeating what Karmi says. I’m starting to believe it now. I really, really need your help. I need your comfort. You always knew what to say to make me feel better.
March 27th.
I went bot-fighting again. It was fun, until some guys kicked my ass. I have a black eye now. I’m scared for Aunt Cass to find out. I’ve already caused her so much pain. She doesn’t deserve this. On the other hand, they stole megabot. They’re idiots though, so I just pressed the self-destruct button when I got home. I imagine they’re gonna kick my ass harder the next time I see them.
March 28th
I think I have an eating disorder now. I haven’t eaten all day. Heck, I haven’t eaten in a few days. Aunt Cass is starting to worry, so I have to force it down to make her happy. I have to vomit afterwards. It’s getting so, so much worse. This is all Karmi’s fault. All her fault. All YOUR fault. If you hadn’t committed suicide like a fucking moron, I wouldn’t be like this today. But no, you just had to be a selfish piece of shit.
March 29th.
I’m sorry about what I said yesterday. I didn’t mean it. The voices convinced me about that stuff. I don’t actually hate you, and I don’t blame you either. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. If I hadn’t been so addicted to gambling, then you would be here. I’m the selfish one, not you. I’m the fucking moron here. It’s just what they made me into. I’m terrified to talk to you anymore. This has taken over my life.
Page five
March 30th
Dear Tadashi
I woke up today feeling horrible. Like every single part of my body ached. My head throbbed. I looked at my phone and realized I hadn’t showered in a while. A shower sounded great. It reminded me of being seven years old again. There was nothing else I wanted to do except relax and enjoy a nice, warm bath. What kind of life is this, anyway? Every minute of every day feels like torture. I just want this nightmare to end. Can I fix this somehow? Please tell me yes. I know that sounds dumb, but it’s the only thing keeping me sane right now.
March 31st.
Just… Please, please… Stop talking to me. Don’t let me hear your voice. I promise I’ll behave. Just give me this one chance. You could never trust me, but please, just stop talking. I don’t want to hear it. Please. Just stay silent and leave me alone.
April 1st
Seriously, where do these entries come from? I don’t understand. Where does the madness end? Why isn’t it ever making sense? Am I insane? Is that possible?
I took a bath. Hot water, good, relaxing bubbles, and soothe all those aches. It helps. But only for a little while. The voices aren’t satisfied yet. I thought about cutting myself with a knife. One of those cheap knives you get at the store. Cheap ones break easily. I want to draw blood, but that would take too long. Besides, blood isn’t satisfying enough. Do I even want blood? Or should I use something else? I shouldn’t torture myself like this. I’m better than this. Why am I doing this?
It doesn’t matter.
April 2nd
This might sound ridiculous, but the voices started whispering something a few minutes ago. Some nonsense words. A bunch of nonsensical ideas. Ideas I could never possibly agree with, and ideas that don’t even make sense. At first I thought it was maybe an accident, like a car driving by and shattering my window. I listened for a moment longer and noticed that it was coming from somewhere deep within me. Where do they come from? What the hell is happening?
It doesn’t matter.
Next:
Previous:
First:
Thank you guys so much for your patience! I haven’t had any motivation/inspiration to write these past few months. I don’t have any excuses, but here’s chapter one re-written! Big thanks to writeholo.com for the help!
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