#gosh I'm starting to really hate bitter sweet endings | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

elviriel · 5 months

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So I rewatched BTVS and watched Angel the Series recently, and I want to talk about my feelings, so I'm making posts for each. First up, BTVS, with my feelings and opinionsTM sorted by season, because for this particular show, the season seems to dictate the enjoyment tbh.

warnings: i am not a fan of sp*ffy or later seasons spike, and sexual assault is briefly mentioned re: season 6

Funnily enough, the more I dislike a season, the longer the paragraph seems to get. ah, the joys of being a hater at heart xD Season 1. I will admit, when i started my rewatch, I didn't know it would be a rewatch. Usually, I watch up to season 3 and stop, but this time, idk i thought i'd try the rest of the show to see if my feelings had changed, and finally watch season 7, which i had not seen. all this to say I did what I usually do which is: start at season 2 xD However, I have watched season 1 several times in the past, and I'm very fond of it. It's cheesy, and the image quality isn't as nice as it is later on, but I have so much love for certain episodes such as Angel and Prophecy Girl. Season 1 has good stuff, y'all! Season 2. I've said it before, but the Angelus arc is one of my favorite things to happen in the history of television, so season 2 is a favorite of mine. I just love it. The Angelus arc, from the Bangel love to the gutpunch of Innocence, to Jenny's death in Passion to the climax in Becoming... Still cannot hear Full of Grace by Sarah McLachlan without picturing Buffy on a bus and crying tbh.

And the Angelus arc isn't the only thing to love about season 2 either! I get giddy as a schoolgirl when Spike shows up - he's such a fun villain in season 2, from his antics with Drusilla to his bitterness re: Angelus to his team-up with Buffy in the finale. I also enjoy many other things, such as Willow x Oz (Oz is adorable, and his little crush on Willow was very satisfying for me when I was younger, given how much wee audrey identified with the local nerd gal) and Cordelia x Xander is by far the most tolerable Xander pairing, not that there are many choices xD There are so many episodes in this season I love, I can't even begin to list them, but the two part finale is definitely a highlight. Gosh, Buffy running in slow-mo in that little blue coat? Life-changing. Also, shout-out to Buffy punching Giles then hugging him while crying in Passion. Gosh, that episode. Episode of all time.

Season 3. The main draw in season 2 for me, as I said, is the Angelus stuff, and while nothing in season 3 reaches that level of emotional investment for me, it's got SO MUCH TO LOVE that I can never pick a favorite between those two seasons. Season 3 has Angel's return, Faith - whom I love, love, love, love, esp. on rewatch. It has the Giles x Buffy relationship in Helpless, fun episodes such as Band Candy, The Mayor being a delight, Mr. Trick (rip) - and, of course, the heartstring tugger that is The Prom - the class protector award ;_; - and the Buffy x Angel break-up. I even kinda like the Willow x Xander hook-up, because hey, it leads to Cordelia leaving Xander, and the Willow x Oz reunion is very sweet. They melt my heart. It might be the best season of BTVS, 'objectively' (if there is such a thing) speaking. It progresses nicely, and I think the only episode I straight-up dislike is the Xander one, which I'm comfortable skipping. Season 3, my beloved.

I also love how the season ends, with the very literal blowing up of the school - ending high school with a bang xD. Usually, my rewatch ends here and very satisfyingly so - I think BTVS worked really well as a metaphor for high school, and like several shows of the same type, it can't quite get back to that linear clarity once it transitions to college. Which leads me to.... Season 4. I don't hate season 4, but it's also very lackluster for me. The highlights are Willow's storylines (Oz's departure, magic, Tara, Oz's return, etc - it really got me this time around) and Chipped Spike, which is a great iteration of Spike IMO. What a fun addition to the group (for now.) But the rest... meh. I miss the high school sets, for one - and the Initiative may be a vaguely intriguing concept on paper, but it did nothing for me, narratively OR aesthetically. All those white walls and military uniforms.... meh. Adam himself is SUCH an eyesore that does nothing for me, and then you have Riley, which. Eh...? XD That's not a hot take by any means. And I think in terms of Buffy's love life, Riley was a logical step - nothing was going to match Bangel in terms of intensity - but that doesn't mean I, you know. enjoy it. Riley is cute enough at first, but he is quite pushy with her even early on - which I didn't remember tbh. To me, Riley's worst season 4 crime was being boring, and I was surprised to find that actually? he kind of sucks the moment he and Buffy become romantically intertwined. (Hush is a great episode tho. I'll give it that.) Season 4 also has Xander x Anya, which, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. I had this impression that I didn't like Anya, but the rewatch made me realize that actually, it's Xanya I don't like, and Anya has the misfortune of being stuck with Xander for most of her scenes. The way he's so Neutral about her drives me insane - it's just an unpleasant ship IMO. Season 5. This is where the trouble truly begins So, the thing about season 5 is that I think it's a good season. I think it's far more compelling than season 4: it's got great stuff! Dawn is a fun addition, Joyce's illness is a devastating detour to reality in a world of magical threats, and I love the "Death is your gift" theme with Buffy, I really do. I also enjoy Glory a lot xD I think she's fun. I also really love Buffy telling the Council to go fuck themselves, that was very satisfying

Oh, also, Riley leaves. Bye Riley! (though oh boy, does Xander's little speech to Buffy about Riley angers me. shut up xander! nobody asked you!)

But season 5 also has the beginning of Romantic Spuffy, which I hate for reasons I can only partly unpack tbh xD it's visceral to a point that is beyond logic The thing about Spuffy is that I can't untangle it from my feelings about Spike, a character I loved until that point. And look, there were already flaws in Spike's inclusion in the main cast. Season 4 works fine, but given the damage he's shown he can do despite the chip, it stretches disbelief that he didn't get himself staked already xD and sure, him being in love with Buffy is a narratively sound way to get him 'on the good side' without losing his edge. I also think JM is great, and as I understand, he was great to work with, and I understand why they'd want to keep him around. But man..... do I hate Spuffy. notp of all time, and i'm not exaggerating. And you know, up until I watched ATS, I thought maybe my anti Spuffiness was because I'm such a die-hard Bangel - but I ended up liking Angel x Cordelia just fine, so while shipping preference does play a role for sure, maybe spuffy just. sucks. I do enjoy some of their dynamic though. The episode where Spike walks Buffy through his slayer kills is oddly enough one of my favorites, and Spuffy is tolerable enough to me when Buffy is horrified/disgusted by it - but even then, the narrative framing of it BOTHERS ME. There's too much 'look how cute, look how funny!' framing around Spike's stalkerish ways, and it all comes to a head for me in the Buffybot episode, which I wish I could set on fire. It's not that I think any of this is ooc for Spike btw - but the Buffybot is all kinds of gross, so the fact that the episode ends with the real Buffy 'rewarding' Spike with a kiss for how he behaved under torture is just- it's so irksome. One of my main issues with Spuffy is that IMO, the writers tried to have their cake and eat it too. Many quotes indicate that the writers never intended the audience to really Ship It, and while I do believe that's true to an extent, there's also moments like these that frame Spike as sympathetic, and his love for Buffy as something endearing, and like, idk. I don't expect my media to be prescriptive in any way (given my personal taste in ships, that would be quite the opinion xD) but, ugh. Spuffy irks me. I also think Spike/Spuffy is highly Parasitic re: the show, and I would resent it less if it didn't take up so much narrative space. From season 5 on, there is no escape from Spuffy, and the dislike I have for it borders on show-ruining I do love how season 5 ends, though, I really do. I find it very moving, and I still cry like I'm watching it for the first time Season 6. For a season that was reviled in my memory, I enjoyed it quite a bit on rewatch. Buffy's coming back from the dead arc is good. I like the darkness of it, the depth of it - especially as an adult who's been through the Mental Health ringer - tho I do think the resolution of the arc in the finale is a little lacking. But in general, I really love it.

I also love Dark Willow, and I would love it even more without the addiction parallels, which I don't believe were necessary, and kind of muddled the whole arc. They had a perfect set-up with Willow's tendency to magic away problems. They didn't need the whole 'magic = drug' aspect. It makes the storyline worse, which is a shame, because I LOVE this version of Willow. The hubris of necromancy! The lack of self-awareness or willful deceit! It's good stuff, what can I say

I also enjoy the 'Xander leaves Anya at the altar' thing, if only because it means the end of Xanya for a bit xD and it's the first time I actually believed Xander didn't just settle for Anya. His regret over that decision was actually pretty well done, so, props for that. (Tho ofc, the show had to ruin it by making Anya 'in the wrong' by sleeping with Spike, which she had every fucking right to do, and shut up Xander.) Season 6 also has Spuffy. Now, when I saw season 6 for the first time, I was younger, and very uncomfortable with sexual content. So back then, the Spuffy sex, believe it or not, felt like Highly Explicit Porn to me xD which is funny to look back on today. I'll say on rewatch, season 6 Spuffy is probably the version of Shippy Spuffy I enjoy the most...? One problem in season 5 is that Spuffy was driven by Spike's feelings. Buffy was just along for the ride, and I feel like the narrative dragged her into caring for Spike because his obsession with her led him to do things for her and her family. But in season 6, Spuffy is a manifestation of Buffy's trauma, and I enjoy that, narratively speaking. I do still get that feeling of 'the writers tried to have their cake and eat it too' re: the shippability of Spuffy, but I do believe season 6 Spuffy was written with purpose. Seeing Red is very unpopular, for reasons I get, and it does drastically 'alter' the Spuffy dynamic for me, but it's not like... ooc for Spike, and likely a more honest outcome to that kind of relationship than usually portrayed in media (I say as someone who, in general, is a dark relationship enjoyer btw.)

Lastly: the trio annoys the fuck out of me for many reasons, but Warren was a chilling villain. Hateful, but well-suited to the role he played in the season. man, i wanted that guy dead so bad

Season 7. My least favorite season, which I know isn't a hot take either. I found it sometimes boring, and mostly hard to get into. I think the main reason is that season 7 made me lose sight of Buffy. Through all of BTVS, Buffy is an amazing protagonist IMO - I love her, tend to be firmly on her side in most situations, and her thought process/feelings have always been easy to track. I feel Buffy. On rewatch, she's definitely my favorite character on the show, period. But season 7 Buffy, I just don't feel her. I do like some things relating to her here - her role as a counselor at the school, and the leader role she has to take with the Potentials, but otherwise, Buffy in season 7 leaves me cold, and I truly wish that wasn't the case. Granted, season 7 is the only season I've seen only once, so maybe I missed something, but I found the evolution from season 6 to 7 hard to track - season 6 ends with Buffy wanting to live again, and season 7 has a Buffy that's very detached again, and narratively, it's a little awkward IMO. I also do not buy, for a second, the whole "Spike is the only one who has my back" thing, but that's my anti Spike bias, which is at its peak in season 7, but we'll get to that xD Willow in season 7 does nothing for me either - I wish her relationship with magic hadn't been solved so easily. Xander is, err, also there - I do remember enjoying the Dawn episode where she thinks she's a Potential and turns out to be. The Potentials are... fine? I know Kennedy is fandom-reviled, but I think she's fine tbh. Oh, I Barely talked about Giles, but Giles from season 6 onward... I do not Like This Man very much, and I miss Librarian Giles sm xD Season 7 also has Andrew - and god, GOD I hate Andrew. I can tell I'm supposed to be charmed by his whole thing, but I just hate his whole archetype, I hate his presence, I cannot stand him, and he's around too much, and just, make him go away. And then there is Spike, which, ah. I understand that mythos-wise, if we can't 'blame' Angel for Angelus's deeds, Souled Spike cannot be held fully accountable for the actions of No Soul Spike, so the events of Seeing Red aren't his 'fault' (using the term loosely.) But whatever the fault, he still did this to Buffy - Buffy, who has to defend him to her friends, who has to help him through his shit, and i just, nope! I won't lie, season 7 Spike is the version of Spike I hate the most. The episode where Robin (whom I really like, btw! My guy!) confronts him about the death of his mother filled me with a rage I didn't think possible. What do you MEAN you're not sorry you killed his mom? You say that to his face? And I'm supposed to take Spike's side and not want Robin to flay him alive, Willow-style? And now Buffy is telling Robin to bury his resentment or she'll let Spike kill him?

DUDE. This is where I need to breathe and remind myself this isn't real xD Season 7 has Faith's return, which I like a lot, but otherwise..... eh. Season 7 is not a season I'd ever watch again tbh. It just doesn't do it for me. The final shot is nice, though.

OVERALL. BTVS evokes in me emotions that no show could hope to match. Season 2 & 3 are immaculate to me, but the highs from those seasons mean that the lows of other seasons make for a steeply inconsistent experience. I don't think the show is ever that bad, though some episodes are definitely questionable, an inevitability when you run for 7 seasons, but in terms of my personal enjoyment? I feel pretty confident in my usual decision to watch season 2 & 3 alone. Though I'm sad to miss the good stuff from latter seasons, it's not worth the Stuff I hate, which there is plenty of

if you read all this, um, thank you? at the risk of sounding like a youtuber, lmk your BTVS thoughts in the replies or reblogs (though, if you're going to tell me you love spuffy and that i'm wrong, maybe keep that to yourself xD)

#audrey talks about btvs #audrey's opinions #audrey screams

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sagemusesoutloud · 3 years

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Anti-Romantic, Part 1

(credit to the original owner of the image)

Character | Jaehyun x reader Genre | nonidol!au, Mutual Pining, Slowburn, Fluff WordCount | 3.6 K Author'sNote | lmaoooo the fact that I intended this to be a oneshot type of thing oops. Wellllll, I tried. Most likely to be a two part series, but we'll see.

This is part of a series I intend to call "If Songs were Fics" and this particular one was loosely inspired by TXT's Anti-Romantic bc I'm obsessed. I hope you enjoy reading as much I enjoyed writing it!

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4

I don't know who loves me

And I don't care, It's a waste anyways

A romantic feeling, Kinda scares me

“Any plans for you birthday next week?”

Jaehyun shakes his head at you, “no, not yet, don’t you have that date with that barista?”

“I’m not sure, he’s been acting weird over text lately. Might not be worth it,” you shrug your shoulders. “Besides, it’s your birthday! You only get one of those a year, we should plan something.”

You were on your way to the gym, a ritual you and Jaehyun had ever since you both found out you worked for the same company. You had been childhood friends, but ended up losing touch since you went to separate universities.

It was a nice surprise to see a friendly face on the first day of orientation and throughout the duration of your training for the next six weeks. Although you were both from different departments, you enjoyed taking your lunch breaks together and sharing small gossip about your old class-mates.

“ugh, don’t remind me,” he let’s out a long sigh, “every year, it seems like my family won’t stop pestering me about starting a family.”

“What’s so wrong about that?”

“Nothing, just not for me. Or at least not yet. I don’t think I’m the type to settle down,” he shrugs again as if it were no big deal.

You gasp, “how could you say that? I’ve seen your insta account. It’s got your cousin’s kids all over it!” You stop to take a good look at him as he holds the door of the gym open for you. “Back in school too, you used to tutor those elementary kids for volunteering hours. Even when you didn’t need them. You’ve always liked kids.”

“That’s different…”

“Right. Totally different things. Got it,” you roll your eyes. This wasn’t the first time he mentioned not wanting to settle down. At first, you had thought it was because he liked ‘keeping his options open’ like back in high-school. Or, not that you knew for sure, but if the rumors were true then it meant he slept his way around. Apparently, he never slept with someone twice and despite the cold shoulder the other party would get, all you had ever heard were praises. Not that you paid that much attention or anything.

You and Jaehyun had the same circle of friends, but despite that, he had never made any advances towards you. You’d be lying if that didn’t bother you at least once or twice. You just assumed that he didn’t want to make the friendship awkward or mess with the friend dynamics of your group. Which was why your crush on him in junior high ended as soon as you got to high-school.

You ended up going on dates with other people, but nothing that kept your interest. Nothing that compared to how you felt around him. Not that he seemed to think the same, so you tried your best to stay the good friend you always have been. You didn’t want to push something he clearly didn’t want; not that it didn’t hurt any less. Throughout the years it’s become bearable, at least. Almost like a painful habit.

You check in and head to the locker rooms to change. His nonchalance about the subject had always puzzled you. You’d seen first hand how all the female coworkers seemed to sway their hips as they walked by him, how some would pop a blouse button more than usual when around him, and you swore no one else was getting that much help throughout training more than him. He was handsome and a gentleman, that much was painfully obvious.

You meet him outside by the water fountain, “ready for warm-up?” he guides your way to the treadmills.

“When’s the last time you dated?”

You would have laughed if you weren’t so shocked to see him trip from the corner of your eye. “why the sudden curiosity?” He finally responds.

“Not sudden, I’d always wondered.” You defended. “You’re good looking and you’re very…I mean, you live on your own and have your own car. You have good relations with your family AND you’re good with kids. So, what is it?” You hadn’t realized how troubling you thought it all was. But now that you started digging you couldn’t stop.

“I just—” you pause, “it doesn’t make sense.”

You hear him chuckle, “you might wanna slow down before you pull something.” You look down and realize that your pace had gone from a relaxed jog to a borderline run during your rant. Maybe this wasn’t the best time to psychoanalyze your only friend in the city.

“Well, I just don’t know how to let people in. It’s just that.” He finally responds. “I love kids, but I don’t know or think I’d be a good partner.” He slows down before stopping, ending the conversation. He waves you off with an easy smile as you stay running.

Huh, maybe you pushed him too far. Your eyes can’t help but follow him around the gym.

Sweet and bitter chocolate, The taste at the end is always the same

Like the saddest movies, Only tears in my eyes

Your hands were sweaty the entire morning, anticipating your lunch time. It was his birthday today, and while you hadn’t made any concrete plans you ended up agreeing to go over to his place after work. Your gym bag was ready with snacks and comfy clothes to stay over. You remembered him saying he was excited to watch that new Marvel movie that had recently come out so you had bought it online to stream it at his place as a surprise. But what had you nervous was the small heart shaped box sitting in your purse. You didn’t know what possessed you to buy it but you had immediately thought of Jae when you passed by it at the mall. You remember vaguely mentioning that it was a special occasion to the sales lady (as in, his birthday), but she must have thought it was your significant other rather than friend because she changed the box to the red velvet shaped one while giving you a wink. In her defense, you could have protested but…why didn’t you?

You hear a knock on your door, “hey little miss sunshine.” Ah, Nakamoto, this couldn’t be good news. He was only sickly sweet to you when he needed a favor.

“What do you want?” you deadpan. He only laughs as he makes himself comfortable in your office. “Well, nothing in particular. Can’t stop by and see how you’re doing?” he feigns hurt.

“Right—the last time you ‘came by’ you left me working over-time through the weekend,” You sigh, “so what is it this time? Missed meeting? Late proposal?” To be fair, your supervisor WAS overworked sometimes. And since you were the only worker under him, it was normal for him to sometimes share some of the load with you.

He smiles at you, “nope. Just have a proposal for you. I know you’ve been working hard these past few months and I’ve been really impressed by your work ethic.” He stands and moves closer to your desk, “And I thought some sort of reward was in order, as well as celebration.” Ok, now you’re confused. You were ok with the reward part, it usually came in the form of a gift card to your favorite coffee shop, but celebration?

“Why would we celebrate? Did I miss something?”

“Not yet, but I did recommend you to the partner position with me. And I wanted to be the first to tell you that the boss approved it earlier today. So, what do ya say? Dinner on me?” he extends his hand out to you and wiggles his eyebrows playfully.

Oh.

Shit! You were hoping this would happen eventually, moving up from the entry-level position you had. But you had never thought it would be this fast. “Oh my gosh, are you serious?” You give him your hand and he shakes it in mock salute.

“Of course, some people will come by to move your computer to the office next to mine. You start Monday!” he winks, “So, wanna go to that new rooftop restaurant? This is a once in a life-time ticket, so you best say yes.”

But your dinner with Jae…He’ll understand, right? He has to. It’s not like he seemed that excited about it anyway. And you could always spend the day together tomorrow, too. It would be pretty rude to turn down Yuta after he pulled some strings for you…

You smile at him, “Thank you Mr. Nakamoto, I won’t let you down as a partner. Yeah, dinner sounds great. Wanna meet there?”

You sit down on the small table, now nervous for other reasons.

Jae sits opposite of you, a small smile on his face. “Hey you,” he greets.

“hey…” you start, “I hate to change plans so suddenly, but…” crap, you feel really shitty. But you really were between a rock and a hard place.

“everything ok?”

“yeah, no. I actually just got promoted,” you start.

“You did? That’s awesome! So fast, too. Wow—but shouldn’t you be more enthusiastic about it?” he chuckles.

“I am, just—my old supervisor wanted to go to dinner to celebrate. And I don’t think I could say no after helping me out like that.”

“I mean, did you want to skip it or?” Now he’s confused.

“Well, he wanted to go out tonight since I start Monday and today’s Friday…I don’t think I can come over tonight,” you explain.

Realization crosses his features before he gives a small smile. “Don’t worry about it, you’re fine. And he’s treating you! You don’t know when the next time he offers might be,” he continues, “we can celebrate another day anyway.”

“Are you sure?” now you feel like shit.

“Of course I’m sure.”

For the rest of the lunch, a thick silence settles before he excuses himself back to work.

Jaehyun knew this was coming. Nothing ever went his way; it’s why he kept everyone at a distance from his heart. But he was weak when it came to you. This game of push and pull was bound to keep happening, and it only brought him that all familiar foul taste in his mouth.

I know, that sweet love song, Those words of promise

When you turn around, It's just an unfamiliar someone

It was why he decided to go else-where for university, instead of joining you and some of your friends to the one closest to home. He chose to go across the globe—far, far away from the curse of you.

It had started on a windy day, back when you were 4 and new to the town he grew up in. Jaehyun didn’t want to leave his mother’s arms, he didn’t like the thought of being with strangers until later in the day even if his mom promised that she would be back. A little girl with jean overalls like his came up to him and his mom, “why are you crying?”

“I am not!” he sniffed. He didn’t need to make new friends like his mom was trying to tell him. All he needed was to go back home. You took out something from your pocket and showed it to him, “look, my mom said I could give one to my first friend. She said it was sharing. Want one?”

In her little palm, were two kiss chocolates. “You’re not my friend,” he grumbled, “I don’t know your name.” At that, you giggled, “I’m Y/N!” you took his hand and placed a chocolate there, “there, now we’re officially friends.”

“See, Jae? You can spend some time with Y/N and have fun. Before you know it, I’ll be back,” she promised.

“Yeah, Jae! Come play blocks with me, and then we can try the coloring.” You held his hand as you led him deeper into the classroom. Just like that, Jae began to feel a little warmth in his chest. He didn’t mind that his favorite thing to do was play tag outside or that he wasn’t really good at coloring inside lines yet. But that didn’t matter to him. As long as he had this one friend around, he was content.

Sorry I'm an anti-romantic, I want to run far away

My heart that already chases after you, Blazes up as a small flame

Looking back at it now, it was a little funny. All it took to let you in back then was a simple chocolate kiss and your little sticky hand in his leading the way. You were always larger than life to him, sometimes he forgot that you were just as human as him.

As you two continued to grow, nothing seemed to change your friendship. But he knew that the depth of his feelings wasn’t mutual. It was in the way that you brought a lot different people together and decided to call it your family. Another of your friends, Jungwoo, liked to joke that you collected introverts for fun. To Jaehyun, it was more likely that you just didn’t see the fun in leaving people out. You were charming and passionate. Traits he wished he had. Your empathetic nature and gentle disposition were all that Jaehyun needed, even if he wasn’t the only recipient.

Once you guys started to hit puberty, things started to feel rocky. Jaehyun couldn’t help but physically distance himself from you, his ears were always red-hot. You had always been pretty to Jaehyun, but you were starting to become really beautiful. And if the boy’s locker rooms’ talk were anything to go by, then other people were definitely starting to realize “what a great catch” you were.

It really pissed him off. Who were they to say things as if all you were was a piece of meat? It disgusted him. But what disgusted him more was the fact that sometimes, he couldn’t help but also feel the way your body felt in his when you hugged in greeting. He hated the way his body reacted to everything you did.

He first messed around with a senior girl back when he was a sophomore, Sooyoung. She was leaving and he couldn’t take it anymore. Your boyfriend was a piece of trash and he was tired of hearing the way he would share what Jae considered to be intimate moments that had no business being public. But you seemed so happy… that next game, Jae stole the ball from him and scored on his own. Even if it cost him a three hour lecture from the coach, he would do it again. Fuck being a team, that guy was an asshole.

What he hadn’t planned on was liking messing around. He would never admit it, but the reason he couldn’t commit was because he couldn’t get rid of that small grain of hope that glowed in his chest every time you stared at him longer than would be deemed normal. It wasn’t often, but he knew he wasn’t seeing things. So, he succumbed to the cycle of push-and-pull that you guys had going on.

Jaehyun wasn’t blind, he knew that your work definitely spoke of your professionalism, but he’s also seen the way Nakamoto stared after you. Of the way his hand would often touch your waist when walking together. Even now, as he hears you apologize through the phone again as you get ready for your “date” with him he can’t help this heart feel heavy with anger. Anger at himself, for letting you slip away once more. He usually hopes for nothing but the best for you, but this time, he wishes you had an awful dinner.

Sorry I'm an anti-romantic, I don't believe in romance

I'm afraid that after burning my whole heart, It will only leave behind ashes

Throughout the entire dinner, you can’t seem to get Jae out of your mind. It keeps you from enjoying the delicious food, keeps you from keeping your usual banter with Nakamoto.

You’re about to call it a night and thank Nakamoto for inviting you out when he beats you to it, “damn, I was hoping this might be a good break from the usual overtime we do, but something tells me your mind has been elsewhere,” he offers good naturedly, “I know it’s valentine’s, so maybe this is why we feel so awkward, right?”.

You grimace a bit at that, “ah—I’m sorry. I really am grateful for the way you look after me in the company and I’m also thankful for this lovely dinner,” you stop a bit, afraid you might offend him, “I agreed to come out tonight, so no need to feel awkward.” You offer a smile.

“Alright then. I guess you already have your sights on someone?” he prods. Should you be honest? There was no rule against dating outside your department, and you were pretty sure your new boss’s wife also worked within the company. “…I do. But I’m pretty sure they don’t feel the same way. It’s been so long since we’ve known each other. Surely if something were to have happened, it would have by now.” You were loosening up, definitely the wine’s fault.

Nakamoto sighs at that, “damn, and here I thought I could woo you after this,” he winks jokingly but you laugh him off. You knew he didn’t care for you that way. “I really hope you’re talking about the guy you always eat lunch with. I swear everyone thought you guys were married when you were released from training.”

“What?! No, I—we’ve been friends since we were children—”

“Aha! So it was him then,” he smirks. “Good.”

You groan, “Please, no.”

“What, it’s not him? You sure about that?”

“I will neither confirm nor deny that statement,” you groan. Why were you discussing your love life? You push the wine away and take a sip of your water.

“Hmm. That’s too bad. Could have sworn that guy was after you.” He stands up. “But fine, I’ll stop prodding.”

You sigh in relief—“for now.” You groan. “What do you even mean by that? You don’t even know him. Or me, or at least personally at least.”

“Mmm, I don’t have to. Some things you just know. Like how he wishes I was six feet under every time we run across him at work,” he sobers up at that. “He seemed like a cool dude, but his glare isn’t too friendly. I don’t know how you fell for that.”

You scoff, “just because someone has a resting bitch face doesn’t mean they’re a bad person.”

You both make your way to the underground parking. “You’re right, it just makes them unapproachable. Is that why you won’t confess?” His genuine tone rubs you the wrong way, you don’t need be given false hope.

“Stop it, you said you would drop it,” you frown, “Anyways, thank you for the food boss—”

“—not your boss anymore. Just call me Yuta, we’re partners now.”

“Aren’t you two years older than me?”

“And?”

You shrug at that, “well, thanks Yuta. For the food, not for the interrogation.” He chuckles at that, nodding while pulling out his car keys. “see you Monday!” he waves you off.

You sigh as you get home. It wasn’t as late as you thought it was, only a few minutes past nine. You really wanted to see him. Would he be busy?

You fish out your phone and dial his number before chickening out.

“Hello?”

“Jae! It’s me. Are you busy right now?” your heartbeat is pounding so loud, you’re scared he could hear it on the other end. “Right now?” you hear shuffling on the other end, “no, I was just reading that book Jungwoo sent me. Might have dozed off a bit into it but don’t tell him I said that,” he chuckles.

“Why, is everything ok? It’s still early, did you end dinner that fast?”

“Oh, Yuta and I called it a night pretty early. Too many couples were out and about and it got a bit awkward,” you explained.

“Yuta?”

“Ah, yes. Yuta Nakamoto, but now that we’re associates, he said it would be better to address him less formally.” You waive him off, “actually, I was wondering—if it’s not too late, can I still come over? If not, that’s cool. We can still hang out tomorrow, but your birthday is today and I thought—”

He laughs at your rambles, “of course you can come over, you know you don’t have to ask. How many times have I told you that?”

“Ok, ok. Just checking,” you still had your comfy change of clothes in your car, so you opt to save those for tomorrow and change into something causal for tonight.

“Do you want me to go get you? We can get ice cream on the way, hopefully they don’t close early.”

“Sounds like a plan then,” curse your heart for melting at everything he says.

“Alright, give me 15 and I’ll be there.” He hangs up.

You look at your bag, resting on your sofa and you sigh. The entire night, it’s almost as if you could feel the weight of his gift weighing it down. Yuta is known for being very observant, it’s why he was so good at his job. Closing deals and making contracts in advertisement. Would he be right about this? You know you desperately wish he was, but is it worth risking your best friend?

EndNote | Woooow, that was a longass ride. Let me know if you liked it or if there are other typos I missed! Or just to let me know what you thought, that would be much appreciated. I'm thinking of finishing it by Sunday 6/13, so hopefully the next part is up by then. Until then!

Here's Part 2!

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