#going to post about my loves to force myself t be happy abt smth

[magimagali]

wrote a longass thing abt. what’s been goin on with me. ajhfdjg it’s incredibly long-winded and personal and i dunno if it’s appropriate to even post it here but uhhmm m yeah

lately I've been giving some serious thought to what I wanna do w/ my life, and the diff possibilites and options have swirled around enough times in my head that I'm convinced just Thinking about it isn't going to get me anywhere..... but maybe writing about it will? so I'm just going to dump my thoughts here

the options I've been considering are:

a) go to an art school out of state

b) go to an in-state liberal arts college and move into the dorms

or c) live at home, the place I've lived all my life, and get my AA at a community college

going to an art school is the option that tugs at me the most, but of all of them is probably the scariest -- go figure lol

the art school I would like to go to is in Minnesota which is kinda my home away from home and also where my dad's side of the family lives, and I love that side of my fam dearly so it wouldn't be completely unfamiliar territory and I wouldn't be all alone. but it would mean moving out of my hometown and separated from the family i'm Most familiar with. that part is terrifying to me bc I'm an EXTREME homebody and family+home takes top priority in my life, no question. but bc it's so important to me it inhibits me from spreading my wings in some ways. and I know in someways I would really evolve by doing something that huge and scary and uncomfortable. but I don't know if it's really necessary to try and resist that part of me when it is... a Part of Me. being a homebody doesn't Have to be a flaw I need to try and grow out of. but it does suck to think about the opportunities I could miss out on due to the immense anxiety I feel about leaving my hometown and family.

(another art school option that I fantasize about is calarts, which would be even scarier than going to the MN school, plus the odds of me getting in are ... lmao, but it's worth mentioning. going to calarts would make me feel absolutely fulfilled and proud of myself for Once In My Life, I think. that's the most alluring thing about it.)

but art school is fucking expensive. drowning in debt after going to a school that prepares you to work in a field that is so competitive, and knowing that it's highly likely that I could only find a career by being at the right place at the right time, or finding the right connections.... it all sounds so risky and tricky and it just. aughhggh. then again that's probably true for most professions...

I also think about how art school could potentially ruin art for me. it really scares me to think about the line between work and play becoming blurred when it comes to art... art is something precious and personal and if it lost its spark as a result of it becoming my job for possibly the rest of my life, it feels like part of me would Die . like that's dramatic af but.

so... those are the things I think about when I think abt going to art school. on the other hand, I'd learn so much, and grow so much as both and artist and a person, and even if it's not perfect I just might really enjoy it. it might be the only career that would make me feel truly happy and fulfilled. i think if i were to follow my heart, art would be the thing I'd want to pursue career-wise. but the stakes feel so high.

if I went to the in-state liberal arts college, it would cost less than an art school but more than a cc, but it's much more inspiring and more conducive to personal growth than I think a cc would be -- not that a cc wouldn't help me grow at all, but just that it's an entirely different experience living at a college and immersing yourself in the community and your studies. plus, I've taken two quarters at the school already, and I know I like the people and classes. but I don't know exactly what I would want to study, is the problem. it's a nonconventional school where u build ur own interdisciplinary degree, so I would probably do some mix of psychology/art/literature or. smth. if I decided not to pursue a career in art, I can also see myself becoming a teacher, or a therapist. those both do interest me, but they don't exactly... tug me in the same way doing art profesionally does. so it feels lacking and a bit depressing in that way. but that doesn't mean they don't sound fulfilling and inspiring in other ways. and I know I can always do art as a hobby if I don't pursue it as a career, + doing it just as a hobby would also be the safest route.

moving there also really scares me bc I just don't know if I'm ready for it yet, or if I ever will be ready to move out of my mom's house tbh. I Have to move out eventually though, so it's like... there's no point in waiting until I'm ready if that feeling of being ready and prepared never actually comes. I should just go for it. and the fact that I'm so scared of living in a college an hour away from my mom's house makes the idea of going to an art school out of state feel like an impossible feat.

but it's like, doing those things that feel impossible and terrifying would do more to help me grow and evolve than anything else. and it's like, the more ambitious and drastic the choice I make is, the more. Valid I feel, the more I feel successful I feel and therefore just. worth something. I want to make myself and my family proud, even though my parents just don't roll that way at all-- they genuinely just want me to be happy. my siblings put more pressure on me than anyone else to go to college, get a job, get a house etc all the Adult things, and they don't actually put all that much pressure on me beyond judging me when I tell them I'm taking a break from school and just. visiting once in a blue moon, judging my lifestyle when it doesn't adhere to their standards, then completely forgetting abt my whole deal and what I'm doing w/ my life to focus on their own once they leave. and their expectations for me are really just projections of their own expectations for themselves, and their priorities and goals and. everything. they're just so different from me. but despite all that, their approval of me means So Much to me and guides my decisions, and when it doesn't, it's their voices in the back of my head telling me what a loser and failure I am for not following their version of a successful path.

anyway. the last option is to go to a community college and get my aa, since I can't figure out what I want to do for sure yet, and I'd rather go to school than do nothing at all (even tho I'm working on trying to open an art shop thing, but it's just not fulfilling enough...). going to a community college would be the cheapest, safest, most comfortable option. but it doesn't exactly inspire me... and i think some people upon finding out that's what I decided to do would be really doubtful, and might even try to talk me out of it, or just be generally really unimpressed and cynical abt it.

and i think i just. put entirely too much stock into other what other ppl think. but i have no idea how to silence other ppl's voices and opinions and listen to my own. i have NOOOo freaking clue to just trust my gut and follow my heart. it's all too clouded up in there with other ppl's expectations and fears of being judged or criticized.

i just. really want to feel like the decisions i make on my own, w/ my own best interest in mind, are supported. but it feels like they're only supported on strict conditions w/ some people. my parents are unconditionally supportive... to a point...... they're skeptical of me going to art school bc of how expensive it is. when i've talked to them abt it, i haven't left the convo feeling encouraged. they're just as scared as i am abt the money part.

i fucking hate money . i hate. capitalism. that's prob dumb of me to say bc i know next to nothing abt it but like. i hate this system i was forced into and all of its peripheries and i hate thinking the education system is probably more interested in shaping me to better fit into capitalist society than it is in actually helping me learn and grow as an individual. i don't know if that's necessarily true... and like, teachers are amazing and can be so passionate, and it's not like school doesn't help you learn and grow -- that's. literally what it's for?? but. ghjgrhhhg i don't have the energy to explain but i'm just Mad abt capitalism

i want to go to school bc. i want to learn, and it's a way for me to connect with a whole community of ppl, and it just opens up a lot of opportunities and makes me feel like I'm really Living. but like. it's scary to go when i'm not sure what exactly it is i want to do. it's scary to go to a regular college and feel bad abt not going to an art school, and it's scary to go to an art school and possibly lose my passion for it and also be crazy poor, and everything is just. scary. and i'm only fuckin 20 but i feel so urgently that i need to hurry up and do something. and i don 't. KNOWWW. WHAT TO DOOOO so i think really hard abt it desperately trying to find a conclusion i'm happy with, but i second-guess and talk myself out of every decision before i can make it, and nothing feels satisfying, and i feel unsure and helpless all the time, and i don't know what i want or what would be best for me, and i can't get help from anyone bc these are decisions I need to make On My Own but  i fucking don't know howwwww

and i just feel so lost and alone and frightened and frustrated and exhausted and lazy and weak and cowardly and. everything is hard

#prob delete later #lol the way i opened this it sounds like i'm gonna talk abt really emotionally vulnerable stuff but Mostly i'm just a struggling millennial #upd8: writing abt it brought me next to no newfound clarity on anything but it was. kind a comforting to get it off my chest at least #FUUUUCK SORRY I forgot readmores don't work on mobile 💦💦