Requiem Of Memories // Part 11
Ship: Samifer (Sam Winchester / Lucifer)
Words: 2115 (Chapter 11 / 15)
Fic Summary: As Sam and Lucifer continue to talk, the conversation takes a different turn and Sam finds himself giving into his new found desires once more. He knows it's not right and that he shouldn't feel like this, but it's impossible to stop it.
angst, hurt & comfort, alternative universe, au!lucifer, mourning, depression, blood and gore, nightmares, loneliness, guilt
Note: I highly recommend to read Nightmares Become Reality before this, otherwise the premise of the story and the setting might not make much sense.
Tagging: @shebahda @sassysupernaturalsweetheart @spnyoucantkeepmedown @brieflymaximumprincess @kajuned @archingangel @this-darkness-light @secretlydaydreaminglifeaway @humongouscandycoffee
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Read on AO3!
Sam stayed silent for a very long time, just thinking about Lucifer’s words and unmoving. Did he really think like this or was it just a way of fawning on him? Then again, Lucifer had no reason to do that. Sam was already here and he didn’t plan to go anywhere, so this explanation made very little sense. But he couldn’t be the reason his own world was still the way it was, no way.
“You don’t have to believe me, Sam,” Lucifer said after a while. “I wouldn’t know how much this world might have changed if you had been born here, but I know that it would not be such an awful place if that were the case.”
“Maybe it wouldn’t be,” Sam sighed and looked at his hands on his lap. “But you surely would be. My Lu- … the Lucifer I knew didn’t profit from me being born.”
“What makes you say that?”
“You said you were told about true vessels, about two halves and all these things… well, for him it happened, but it didn’t help.” Sam felt awful saying this, but deep down he knew it was the truth. “Lucifer came to me speaking the truth and I claimed he was a liar that tried to use me. There is no good outcome to this… I’m the reason he was imprisoned in the cage again, I’m the reason he had to force his way out and that he lost his child and… and that he died…”
“No, Sam, I don’t believe you were the reason for that.” Lucifer laid a hand on Sam’s folded ones, but the hunter didn’t turn around. “I don’t know what happened, but you weren’t the reason this happened. You couldn’t be.”
“Do you wanna know what happened?” Sam finally asked, giving Lucifer the most heartbreaking glare. “I let him down, that happened. He came to me in peace and I declared war on him. He offered me his help and I accused him of trying to end the world. Even when we were stuck here and tried to survive I refused to believe that he had any good intentions…”
“You did what you thought was right, Sam,” Lucifer assured him and squeezed his hand slightly. “I’m sure he knew that. These things were out of your control, nothing more.”
“No, you might be right with a lot of things, but this time you’re not,” Sam shook his head. “I should have been the one to reach him, to understand him. It’s in me, I knew that all the time. But I didn’t want to believe it. Lucifer was the devil, the one who was the root of all evil. I couldn’t accept that I was just like him, that I understood him because we had experienced the same things… I… I just couldn’t…”
“It takes great compassion to understand someone’s reasons and that you understood his is a good thing,” Lucifer explained slowly. Sam didn’t even notice how he moved one of his hands to hold the angel’s. “You knew in your heart that he had been wronged and knew it was unjustified.”
“But I didn’t help him,” Sam mumbled. “I fed him to the wolves, again and again.”
“Because you didn’t know what else to do. You were taught he’s evil, then he told you that you are his destined vessel and you couldn’t accept it, isn’t that it?”
“Yeah,” Sam sighed. “I didn’t feel threatened at all when we first met actually. He was… calm and reasonable, he did nothing that would have caused my appal. If he would have threatened me, like Michael did with Dean… but he didn’t. He never did, to be honest.”
“And why not?” Lucifer wanted to know, earning another sigh.
“He told me I would say yes anyways, that I would come to him… and I did.”
“So, he had no reason to threaten you. He knew you and knew how you’d act and he decided to wait. Michael was never that patient, neither in your world nor in mine.”
“Don’t remind me.” Sam shook his head quickly to push back the memories. “Stomach cancer, throwing Dean into a world similar to this or us both into a world where we weren’t hunters… he even killed an angel that was trying to help us just to prove his point. And in the end he possessed Adam, our brother…”
“Michael seems to be an ass in every world,” Lucifer scoffed, to which Sam cracked a weak smirk. “Say, if your Lucifer would have done the same, would you have said yes?”
“I don’t think so, no,” Sam said. “I don’t even know what made me say it in the end, probably desperation and hopelessness.”
“If he would have come to you and said: ‘Sam, I need your help to fight my brother so this apocalypse can end before it starts. This was never my wish, it’s God’s plan and I want to end it now, before innocent people die.’ Would you have said yes? Would you have believed him?”
Sam looked at Lucifer like a deer in the headlights. He had no answer to this.
“You had to find out the truth yourself and he knew that, I’m sure of it. I never wanted this mess either, trust me. Fighting my brothers isn’t exactly the most desirable thing for me.”
“So, you’re telling me it had to happen the way it did? But why?”
“I don’t know, I’m not the one in charge, I’m afraid,” Lucifer said. “What I learned is that we have to fight for our free will and our life, even if it means being cruel to those who don’t deserve it sometimes. You were cruel to your Lucifer because you fought for what was right in your eyes and that’s a noble cause. You wanted to save people and not cause suffering.”
“Maybe you’re right…” Sam looked back down at their hands and began brushing a thumb against the angel’s palm. “It still feels wrong. After what Lucifer told me while we were stuck here, I wish I could go back and change my decision. He just didn’t deserve this.”
“And exactly this is what defines you, Sam. Your wish to could go back and do better, your wish to help someone you wronged. You are not responsible for what happened, but you still want to change it and fix any damage possible.”
“But it doesn’t matter, I can’t do it.”
Suddenly Lucifer’s hand was on Sam’s chin, lifting his head up and gently turning it around. He met the angel’s eyes and was surprised to find nothing but understanding in them.
“It’s not your fault, Sam,” Lucifer repeated, more firmly. “I can assure you that never meeting you would have had catastrophic consequences and your Lucifer was much better off because you were there than he would have been without you. What happened to the two of you was horrible and awful, but it would have been much worse if you wouldn’t have been there.”
“Like it was for you?” Sam asked, covering Lucifer’s hand with his own. “You were promised your other half and never got it, not even out of your reach, right?”
“Yes and you can’t imagine how it feels to know that you are destined to be alone for the entirety of your existence and to be hated by everyone, without anything to change that. When you have everything and suddenly it’s ripped away from you and you are cast out into the cold and loneliness of a cage, without anyone caring, and you have to watch your mere name being associated with evil and hate. And then you came and I can finally begin to see what this broken promise could have been like. Don’t blame yourself, Sam. You were a gift to your world and to your Lucifer alike, not a curse.”
Sam could feel the tears form in his eyes, but he couldn’t even bother to blink them away. Lucifer’s words hit a nerve in him that he didn’t know even existed. He couldn’t help but wonder how devastating the life Lucifer described would be like and what he realized made his heart heavy. At least he had had his brother and friends, but Lucifer had no one, not even his demons. They were merely servants, but there was never anyone who had shown him sympathy or understanding or even… love.
“I don’t know what to say,” Sam whispered. “I… I’m sorry you had to go through this.”
“You don’t have to be,” Lucifer assured him and gently brushed a finger over his cheek. “Even by just being here you changed everything for the better. I’ve hoped for my other half to come to existence, I have prayed and begged and a long time ago I have given up because I realized it would never happen. I know you are not technically my other half, but the effect you have on me is astounding.”
“But I don’t… do anything…” Sam frowned. “I’m just here .”
“Yes you are here and you choose to be. With me, the most unlikely person to stay with after what you had to go through. And still, you stayed. You might not think this decision was important, but to me it was the only good thing happening ever since my fall.”
“I don’t wanna leave anymore,” Sam admitted shyly, blushing even though Lucifer knew this already. “I like you, I’m worried about you… if I have to be in this world, I’d rather be here with you than anywhere else.”
“I told you already that I like your company and I do,” Lucifer smiled. “But I hate to see you blaming yourself for things you can’t change. And sometimes for the things you do because you feel like it.”
“You mean like kissing the Devil after he almost died from being attacked by a few dozen angels?” Sam asked, earning a smile.
“For example.”
“I don’t feel bad for it,” Sam assured him. “I mean I did, but not anymore. I enjoyed it, kind of.”
“Well, you better enjoyed it,” Lucifer huffed in an offended tone. “I usually don’t allow every random human to kiss me, I hope you know that!”
“I’m honored that you didn’t smite me then,” Sam smirked. “And besides…”
The hunter leaned forward, bringing their lips together once more in a touch that sent spirals of warmth and cold through his body at the same time. He had no idea why this was happening, but he could actually get used to this.
“I can’t say you're a bad kisser either,” Sam said when he pulled back from the angel. “But I still think it’s highly inappropriate to kiss the Devil out of the blue.”
“You should know that the Devil doesn’t care for inappropriateness, that’s something heaven can concern itself with.”
Sam had little time to react when Lucifer suddenly pulled him closer and kissed him again. It happened so fast and surprisingly that all he could do was let it happen and close his eyes at just how sweet and amazing it felt when the angel wrapped his arms around him. If it weren’t for his conscience, he would have let everything happen at this point, but after a minute Sam pulled back with the saddest look in his eyes.
“Lucifer, don’t get me wrong please because I really enjoy this, but-”
“It’s too fast and too soon, I know,” Lucifer interrupted Sam to finish his sentence. “I’m sorry, but I couldn’t resist. It’s better if we just… go on as normal, don’t you think”?”
“Yeah,” Sam sighed sadly, still sitting almost on Lucifer as he did. He enjoyed this too much for it to be a good decision, but he couldn’t move away just yet. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be, this time it was me,” Lucifer smiled. “You have a very addictive… personality.”
“Sure, that’s what you had on your mind just now,” Sam laughed. “I will take my personality away now, not that something very bad happens.”
It took Sam a lot of concentration to shove himself away from Lucifer, but he managed to do it eventually. Not that he wouldn’t have enjoyed what was happening, but he couldn’t come to terms with it happening at this point. Yes, he liked Lucifer and he was desperate for someone to be close to, but it wasn’t the right time or reason for this. He was glad Lucifer didn’t seem to be mad, but he was a little disappointed with himself for just throwing away such an opportunity. Maybe another time… Sam hoped so at least.
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