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bangtangalicious · 3 years

Text

the glow up | kth (4)

pairing: taehyung x reader

summary: after going off to college, you & your best friend committed to working out. a year later, the results show, and you cant wait for your hot hometown friends to see you. now all you wanna do is wild out and have lots of sex, and enjoy it without feeling insecure

genre: smut, childhoodfriends!au weightloss!au (is that a thing) friends-to-lovers!au

word count: 2.2k

warnings: tittie sucking, fingering (dubcon bc jungkook is an ass), misogyny/sexism, public sex (locker room), creampie, unprotected sex, slight slut shaming, body image issues (please remember that there is no ideal body type and every body is beautiful)

part 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 masterlist

“Hey y/n” You were startled at his use of your name as opposed to his endearing princess. He was dressed nicely in a black hoodie with his glasses on, but his expression was tense.

“Tae” You acknowledge him as you got into the passenger seat. You really really liked his car now. “Listen, you don’t have to be sorry about anything”

“No, I really do though. I could have just shut up and let you and Jimin have your happy ending” He huffed, “We both know it’ll ultimately work out that way anyway, I just added drama and I’m sorry”

You wondered exactly when Taehyung got so mature, or if he had always been this way and you just never noticed.

“Anyways…I hope its okay, but I invited Hobi and Jungkook to lunch with us” Your face dropped slightly, and he noticed. You hated that he was being awkward. You wanted to feel all the amazing things you had the other day all over again. Taehyung was a drug. You had a hit and now you wanted more.

“Tae…” You whispered, grabbing his hand and bringing it to your chest. His jaw clenched as he made contact with your heaving breast. “Please” You made pleading eyes at him allowing him to squeeze your tit slowly.

“Hood of the car. Now” He exhaled sternly. You did ask requested, finding yourself in a similar position, back over the headlights, legs wide open, licking your lips in anticipation.

“Sit up” He ordered as he pulled you towards him so that he was standing in between your legs. He pulled down your shirt color until he had access to your clothed breast, moving your bra cup aside and allowing his mouth to trail kisses from your neck—“Mmm you smell good”—to your collar—finally kissing your nipple.

He looked up at you with lust shot eyes as he flicked his tongue across before enveloping it into his mouth. He sucked like a baby, moaning into you, the vibrations from his deep voice stimulating you even more. It was a sigh to behold, as he gripped your hips to hold you against him and sucked you.

You cried out, breathing heavily with the way his tongue was splashing around in circles causing waves of heat to come over you. You liked the ways his lips felt around your nipple, and the way his tongue drew circles around it-you took note. So I’m into this. Huh. You were very aware of how damp your underwear was getting, as yoou ran hyour hands through his hair, clenching as you tilted your head back and moaned.

“You’re fucking delicious princess” He remarked, breaking away finally to admire how he had made you swollen. He ran his thumb over his work, giving one last pinch, making you squirm before he fixed your clothing, “But…we’ll have time for this later. Let’s get going” His eyes had a playful glimmer as he winked at you, riled up and unsatisfied.

Fucking tease.

You arrived at a small urban cafe in the more happening part of town. Hobi and Jungkook were already at a table outside, with tall mimosas in front of them. Jungkook had on flashy sunglasses but lowered them as he saw you approaching, giving you a flirty look and smirking slightly as he watched you walk. Taehyung pulled a chair out for you and you took a seat by Jungkook after giving Hobi a quick back hug.

“Cute outfit y/n. I love the baggy look” Hobi commented. Your face reddened, realizing it was probably really obvious you were wearing Jimin’s clothes.

“She looks hot as fuck.” Jungkook thirsted, shamelessly glancing at your breasts were faintly imprinting against the fabric. He downed the last of his drink.

As you guys shared a meal, you enjoyed conversing openly with Hobi and Jungkook about their sex lives. You appreciated how open and candid they were as you continued to attempt to understand your own desires more.

“Y/n how does it feel to be part of that crowd now” Hobi asked. You tilted your head in confusion. “You know...now that you’re the sexiest girl in town I bet everyone’s been making moves.”

“Yeah I’ve definitely been getting a lot more attention from guys. Shows how fucking shallow half of them are”

“You girls are all hoes though so it doesn’t really matter. Why else would you try so hard to look sexy, yanno? Like I could be hooking up with the same girl and no one else but I still wouldn’t date her because she’s probably gonna dip for the next best dick she can get.” Jungkook added. Taehyung rolled his eyes and kicked him under the table “Hey, I’m just being honest. Why else would you go through a glow up phase? We all did it at some point, we were like yeah I wanna get laid so I better bulk up”

“No Jungkook that’s what you did” Hobi chuckled. “Hot girls aren’t all hoes, and hot guys aren’t just hot so they can get laid. I don’t agree with that. But I do think that everyone needs to fuck around a bit before they settle into a serious relationship or anything. I think it’s healthy when people go around for a bit and then finally are like, yeah okay I’ve seen what’s out there so I can say for certain what I want” Hobi commented, changing the topic. He delved into some details of a recent relationship of his but unfortunately his words did not register with you as you suddenly felt a hand slipping under the waistline of your sweats.

You knew it had to be Jungkook, Taehyung would never touch you without asking. You mouth formed an O as his hand traced along your aroused folds, still wet from Taehyung’s quick tit suck earlier. You gulped, straining to keep your mouth shut as Hobi continued on. You glanced at Taehyung who was observing you very carefully, clearly aware of what was likely going on.

Jungkook slid a finger into your cunt and it sucked it in welcomingly. You bit your lip as he slowly retracted it, allowing you to hear the faint squelching of your tender muscle.

He repeated his motions, causing you to move forward until you were barely hanging on the edge of the chair. You gripped the table tightly, knuckles whitening with the pressure. You wouldn’t dare look at Jungkook, knowing that seeing his face would probably send you over the edge.

He pumped his fingers in and out and you couldn’t help but feel a strange mixture of dread and enjoyment. Yes you were horny, Taehyung had ensured that, so being fingered felt great. But a ball turned in your stomach at the unwanted intrusion from your friend. Were these guys really like this to all the “attractive” girls they hang out with? Do they just constantly flirt and grope them? Ugh.

Taehyung pursed his lips tightly before he finally snapped. “Fucking Christ, just go ahead and fuck right here why don’t you” He folded his arms over his chest, shooting both of you a disappointed glare.

Jungkook slowly pulled his finger out of you and put it straight into his mouth, and you finally made eye contact with him as he licked your arousal off of himself.

“Y/n we’re leaving. God Jungkook did you even get consent you prick?” Taehyung spat at him. You got up and Jungkook slapped your ass playfully.

“She’s one of the hot girls now, might as well treat her like one. Text me babe” He sent an air kiss your way and you shuddered slightly. Taehyung gently took your wrist and led you away.

It was later that evening. Your heart was pounding, and a slight sense of dizziness overcame you as you sped the treadmill up even faster. Taehyung had agreed to accompany you to the gym and you had been sprinting as fast as you could for almost half an hour trying to blow off steam from the events that had happened at lunch.

Jungkook’s words stuck with you, and in a fucked up way you felt like he was trying to prove a point. You felt the air in your lungs escape as your chest tightened. You were overdoing it. You knew that, but you wanted to feel numb. Wanted to feel the bliss of the aftermath of a super intense workout.

Your mind wandered to the biggest issue on your plate. Jimin. You wanted more than anything to go to him. To tell him what happened and get his advice. But you messed that up, and now you were no longer sure if it was worth messing it up. You had never been so conflicted in your life. Your bones screamed at you that your pace was getting too much, pain shooting up to your knees as you pounded your feet with every step.

Talk about running away from your problems.

“Y/n!” Taehyung came over from where he had been doing weights and turned off the treadmill, bringing you to a rapid halt. You panted, sweat soaking you head to toe. Taehyung grabbed your arm to help you stay standing as you began to sway side to side with lightheadedness. You could see black spots paint your vision. He wrapped his arm around you and helped you walk into the locker room where luckily there was no one.

“I don’t wanna feel it Tae…I don’t wanna feel anything. This is all too much. I am so fucking confused. I miss Jimin, and what Jungkook did today I…” You held back a sob, “He’s right. This is what I want isn’t it? So why do I hate it so much. All you guys do whatever you want to these girls you usually get with and sexualize them so much and I’m just not used to it but that’s what I wanted right?”

Taehyung sighed, stroking your back, “Look princess…Jungkook and I aren’t the greatest people. After getting to college, you know how it is, we kinda all became fuckboys. The people we hang out with literally breathe to get off. Everyone fucks everyone else. And I’m no saint at all. I fuck around even more than Jungkook does, albeit I’m a bit more respectful about it, but it’s all the same game to us. I understand that this is all new for you but…I just want you to know that for me, I’m not treating you any differently because of this weight loss thing. I promise. They way I fuck you, the way I treat you…I would have done it just the same a year ago.”

“You say that but”

“I’ve wanted to have sex with you for years okay. I knew you before all of this fucking hook-up culture. I wanted you because I liked you. I still like you, even though we rarely see each other anymore. Not just because of your body. It happened now because you initiated it. I don’t know how else to get it through your head. And by God, what the fuck were you just doing? Were you trying to make yourself pass out? Why would you run that fast?”

“I just needed to relieve some stress okay”

“Then let me help you” His voice was husky and low. Time slowed down as Taehyung carefully leaned closer to you. He trailed his fingers down your sides and around the waist of your shorts, tugging the fabric ever so subtly. He remained still, breathing heavily with a heartbeat drowning out everything. “You can say no. Any time. Even if you realize later that you don’t want to do this anymore you can stop me. I won’t ever get mad and I won’t ever judge you” His voice was quivering before he grabbed your waist and pressed himself up close to you. “Do you want this princess? Can I take care of you?”

You nodded your head as Taehyung leaned down and kissed you while gently pushing you back against the lockers. He quickly pulled off your tanktop, not minding the sweat as he inhaled sharply. He lifted you so you could wrap your legs around him and began to slowly rock his body against yours.

He moaned into you mouth as he felt the impact of your bodies colliding. He spread your legs out wider and began to grind against you faster. You held back screams as he grabbed your breasts. Taehyung licked his lips and kissed you harshly, biting down your lips before mumbling “You’re so fucking hot princess”

“Taehyung” You finally moaned, giving him all the motivation he needed to grind faster. He slipped his hands under your sports bra and began to caress you. You cursed in pleasure.

Suddenly the two of you heard footsteps coming into the locker room. Taehyung allowed you to slide down as he quickly backed away. He took your hand and led you to a far corner of the room before sitting on the locker room bench and pulling your body down on his lap. You looked at him with concern, but Taehyung ignored it completely.

“Tae...you make me feel so fucking good”

“Yeah?” He grinned

“Aren’t we going to get caught?”

“I don’t care” He quickly tugged down your shorts as well as his own revealing his thick cock, with precum budding furiously at the tip, aching to be released. He helped you lower yourself onto him before he gripped your hips and began bouncing you up and down his length.

“Scream my name” He demanded, whispering darkly into your ear “you’re doing so good”

You whimpered, “Taehyung” you cried out as you felt yourself peaking, “Taehyung oh my god don’t stop,” You begged. He was shaking you so violently that you finally were pushed over the edge.

You screamed his name louder than you meant to, feeling Taehyung smile against your neck. He let you get up off of him while he fixed his shorts. He was still aroused, but he didn’t mind. He just wanted you to feel good.

“Is everything okay we heard screaming?” One of the gym staff members walked in just as you had managed to get decent.

“Yes sir, everything is fine! She just saw a spider, poor thing” Taehyung pulled you back into him so you could feel his still hard cock against your asscheek as the staff member nodded and left.

You waited until the footsteps seemed more far off. You turned around and couldn’t suppress your big smile as you made eye contact with Taehyung, who also grinned widely. He grabbed your waist and began to undress you again quickly.

“Hey that’s not fair. I wanna see your shirt off too” You pouted. Taehyung smirked, obeying you and pulling it off effortlessly. You traced the muscles on his chest that formed a perfect 11.

“Like what you see?”

“Jimin has a six pack soooo” You teased as you tugged on his waistline, helping him slide off his shorts again. Your eyes scanned him as he became naked and you licked your lips, “Yeah…” You met his eyes and giggled, “I like what I see”

“Yeah you better” He teased before attacking you with kisses again.

Taehyung slid back inside of your tight pussy while maintaining eye contact with you. He began sucking your neck playfully. He watched you carefully as he began to move in and out of you slowly, picking up the pace as he saw your positive reaction. Taehyung nuzzled his face into your breasts.

“You’ve been waiting for this all day haven’t you” You teased.

“Yeah and what if I have” His voice was raspy, full of lust. The sound send chills down your spine and turned you on more. Taehyung could tell. “Oh you like that huh?” He continued to talk in that voice, grinning as he trailed kisses back up to your mouth.

Taehyung shifted you so your back was on the bench. He spread your legs and entered you slowly. You tilted your head back and just took it all in. After some pumping Taehyung lowered himself closer to your body and looked at you deeply.

“You close?” You asked him sincerely. Taehyung nodded, moaning slightly into your shoulder. You were unsure what to do to help him at that point, your orgasm earlier leaving you too spent for another one. So you decided to just tease him. “What was it that they say in pornos...oh right. You’re doing so good baby” You felt Taehyung’s hips buckle at your words, “Will you please cum for me? God you’re sooooo hot mmm, just like that” You played your most seductive voice and Taehyung knew you were messing around but it still turned him on.

He kissed you chastely, hands grabbing your ass tightly as he came. He cursed under his breath & eventually fell into your lap in exhaustion.

<------previous next-------->

A/N: im tired man idk

taglist: (lmk if you wanna be added!!) @honeyspillings @hollowtree10

#taehyung x you #bangtansmut #bangtansmutcentral #btssmutcentral #bts smut central #bangtan smut net #bts smut #bts smut recs #taehyung smut #taehyung scenarios #taehyung imagine #jimin smut #taehyung fanfic #bts fics

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wizkiddx · 3 years

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...surprise

um okay so here I am trying angst again. this is kind of intended to be open ended bcos might have a part two at some point. im also lazy and has a few time jumps. also if someone could pls explain if you just get pics for the top of these off internet or credit on like gifs or something that’d be appreciated.

Summary: Tom comes home and everything is most definitely not the way he left, nor is it healthy

Warnings: please read with caution esp relationship with food / weightloss, but just generally a person in a bad bad head space, lots of self blame - then next parts will carry different warnings too

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Tom had been away for months. Months and months away from his girlfriend, separated entirely by his filming locations in Europe and America; while you were busy slowly and steadily climbing the ranks of your law firm. Being an intense period for the pair, you hadn’t managed to see each other in 2 and a half months. Of course, both go you were used to this - 3 years deep into a relationship between an actor and a wanna-be lawyer- this was the name of the game.

But honestly? You both just kept falling deeper and deeper, making the separation harder to deal with - rather than getting used to it as one might hope.

That's why Tom felt such an incredibly overwhelming wave of relief as he dumped his bags just outside his front door. Even though he was exhausted from the travelling, just the mere act of finally phishing out his housekeys brought a massive grin to his face - caused particularly by the sight of his tacky little keyring from a Moroccan market that you’d bought him. That had been your first holiday. There’s that old saying that before you move in with someone go on holiday first - Tom understood it to mean you supposedly see all the bad and ugly stuff people can hide from each other, a prewiring before committing to living in the same space. However that holiday all he’d learned was incredible you are to him. To his dying day, Tom will never forget the moment he looked over to his left when the two of you were on this night time stargaze in the depth of the Moroccan desert. Y/n had never seen stars like it, the skies so incredibly clear and lit up with an array of magical blues and purples and whites on its sark background. The sight, for no unexplainable reason, had you completely opening up to Tom about things she’d never told a single soul. And in that moment he’d had this sort of realisation. Not about how much he loved her - because that is just the cliche thing everyone says… and also just wasn’t true.

In that moment he’d rather realised the potential. The sort of ‘I’m not there yet but I know you could become the centre of my universe’. The sort of ‘I’m not ready to say this yet, but I want to spend my life with you’. The sort of ‘at some point in my life I’m not sure my heart will be able to beat without yours’.

He still hadn’t quite got to explicitly saying all that yet, by asking you for the ultimate commitment. But he planned to now he was coming back to you.

Even with the chill of the early evening winter air, Tom was almost ecstatic as he unlocked the door and let himself in. He hadn’t told you that he was coming home, you thought he had another two weeks on the job, but Tom was a bit of an old romantic - he loved seeing your eyes fill with wonder as he surprised you in whatever way. Sometimes it was as simple as a note on the fridge, or a small bouquet from behind his back or as fancy as a surprise holiday.

However, this time, though it was only 6 in the evening, all the lights of their house were off making Tom raise an eyebrow as he quietly slipped off his shoes - not wanting to scare Y/n just in case.

Tom had sworn when he’d been on the phone with you the previous day, you didn’t have any plans tonight but perhaps maybe a spontaneous pub trip and been offered with work colleagues. The house felt a little cold as he padded through it, poking his head into every room just to check Y/n wasn’t there. His last port of call was the bedroom.

By this point, Tom was pretty resigned on the fact you were out and he’d maybe cook a meal for when you got back or hide about the house or something. But instead, when he poked his head around this door, he sighed in delight at the sight of a still mound under the plush white sheets. For a brief moment, Tom paused, before tiptoeing steadily round to her bedside. The light was still off but the hallway light illuminated the room enough so he could make out your soft features and the messy ball of hair that had been haphazardly thrown in a bun. Furthermore, he could also notice in the light the packet of painkillers and migraine tablets lying opened on the bedside - which made him freeze. Y/n didn’t get migraines often at all, but when she did Tom knew just how bad they could be. That explained the fact you were spark out at six o’clock, making Tom give a sympathetic smile. He crept back out the room with a little spring in his step, deciding that since he had had a long day travelling he'd grab a snack and join you. Unfortunately though, when he enthusiastically yanked the fridge open the sight was a rather depressing one. He didn’t really know what he was craving but the fridge contents were of almost no use to anyone. The place was bloody baron, apart from a tub of butter and of course his special beers that Y/n would never dare touch. With a small huff though, Tom resigned himself to some bread and butter, before getting ready for bed.

It was probably an hour later when Tom was carefully crawling under the duvet to settle in beside Y/n after the disappointing snack and maybe a solitary ‘welcome home beer’ - it would be rude not to. God was he excited to just have his girlfriend in his arms again though. So, Tom naturally reached over and powerfully yet gently pulled you back towards him - making your back flush with his as you mumbled something incoherent. Chuckling slightly at your apparent annoyance of being disturbed, Tom pressed a kiss to her temple before settling down momentarily.

But something wasn’t quite right, making Tom shuffle about a bit - ever adjusting huis grasp on your waist as he attempted to get comfy. With the migraine medications forcing you into a deep deep sleep you barely stirred and that just made the unease increase for Tom. Because you didn’t feel right. This didn’t feel right. Ever so slowly Tom started to peel back the duvet from your body from his now sitting upright position. Typically, Y/n was wearing one of his hoodies, however more concerningly it seemed to pool and collect around your frame more than normal.

Now, Y/n was never the most petite person in the world - by no means overweight, instead of beautiful curves and muscle. To Tom now though, it was as if someone had literally shrunk you - like a picture on a word document you needed to make narrower to fit the margins. Even in the dim light of the bedroom he know realised you looked pale. Honestly, Tom didn’t know how long he just sat there staring at you, until you sighed a little and pulled the duvet back up to just under your chin.

He didn’t know what to think or do. All he knew was you didn’t look well and that you hadn’t said a thing to him. Feeling so very uncomfortable within himself, Tom climbed out the bed and simultaneously grabbed his phone. He knew he had to call someone, to check that you hadn’t been ill - but then who to call? Someone that wouldn’t judge or instantly worry- your mum was completely off the cards. Also, he hadn’t even given you the chance to explain yet, so really he knew there was only a couple of options who were close enough to him too.

“Hey what’s up?” “Um nothing much, back in the UK though so-“ “Oh shit really! Kept that one quite bro” “Yeh well came back to surprise Y/n” “Oh you're soooo whipped” “Fuck off Haz, have you um… have you seen her recently anyway?” “You're asking me if I’ve seen your girl while you’ve been away?” “I’m being serious. You’re pretty much brother and sister and I’m -I’m a bit worried.” “What? You know she wouldn’t cheat especially with me” Haz’s tone turned less serious, using a goofy accent “ I know too much.” Haz still attempted to lighten the mood, this conversation very unexpected and making him grow more and more concerned himself. “Haz quit it. I’m worried she’s been ill. I’ve come in and she’s asleep with a migraine but there’s no food in the fridge and she’s skinny as hell.” “Fuck er sorry I didn’t realise. But um no she’s been cancelling on us for the past like two weeks cos like…I don’t know said she was just snowed under at the firm so” “But before then?” “No yeh she was fine. Went to the pub a couple times and she always drove so didn’t drink but nothing weird - think she wanted to keep a clear head. What are you thinking?” “I don’t know to be honest mate. She seemed fine on the phone but I swear to god she looks half the size of what she was when I left.” “Just talk to her in the morning? She probably is just stressed if work has been mad busy.” Tom hummed in agreement, half trying to convince himself too. “Yeh yeh, sorry for bothering you.” “Oh shut up mate - I’ll see you both at your parents for the roast tomorrow? Sams got some new recipe I think, he’s been wittering on about it for days.” “Yeh we’ll be there, see you then mate.”

After signing off to Haz, Tom placed his phone on the little table on the upstairs hallway and sighed. He knew he was being over-protective but he couldn’t help it. Y/n was always the one to care for him, in fact to care for everybody int he room and then some.

He’d get to the bottom of whatever this was tomorrow, and so the rest of the evening Tom spent rather unhappily get ready before bed yet again before climbing back in next to you.

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Tom woke before you, a combination of jet lag and the worry in the pit of his stomach meaning he stirred awake first. Instinctively he pulled you closer and nuzzled his nose into the side of your neck as he slowly began to wake up properly - shrugging off the grogginess. Tom was still really excited for you to realise he was back, predicting you to excitedly hug him ever so tight and then spend the morning between the sheets. He knew you found the distance tough, especially when all your closest friends were coupled off, it meant you just didn’t have ‘your person’. It was almost as if you were single again and instead of pining over an ex, hopelessly and completely in love with someone across the globe. But that just made your time together even more invaluable and precious.

So even with his slight unease at your slimmer silhouette, Tom didn't have any control over the loopy grin that came to his face as you started to stir and mumble something incoherent, all the while (and subconsciously) inching closer towards him. By the slight fluttering under your eyelid, Tom knew you were waking up and so took the moment to tuck your frizzy bed hair behind your ear. Sighing contently Y/n’s eyes fluttered completely open and Tom met your gaze with the most gently of smiles.

However, he then watched moment by moment as your expression morphed for one of peacefulness and content, through confusion, and ending at pure terror. He had barely thought of asking you why, before you yelped, throwing yourself up into a sitting position and backing as far away on the bed as you could from Tom. “TOM... I-you can’t be here! YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HERE!” “Y/n hey what’s wrong-“ “GET OUT! G-GET THE FUCK OUT! YOU CAN’T BE HERE” you yanked the bedsheets to completely cover your huddled up body, as if trying to protect yourself. At this point, tears were streaming down your face and what truly terrified Tom was the expression of horror in your eyes. He threw his hands in the air and unsteadily stumbled to his feet. “O-okay I’m-“ “GET OUT!!! YOU CAN'T SEE ME GET OUT!” Completely bemused and shocked, Tom just nodded jerkily -already halfway out the door and accidentally slamming it in haste.

He had absolutely zero clue what that was about. But what he knew for a fact? He’d never ever seen you like that… you looked so completely terrified… of him? Tom couldn’t for the life of him work out what the hell was going on, as he paced from the shut door to the hallway wall and back again, running his hand through his hair throughout. He could hear you sobbing and whisper yelling - presumably at yourself. It felt as though his heart was being torn out, seeing you that upset and it appearing as his fault? He was acting on pure instinct and adrenalin because your pain hurt him too. He had no control of the physiological response in his body, making his hands shake and breathing increase in speed as it inversely got shallower too.

And so he took a short inhalation, biting his bottom lip as he knocked on the door. “Y/n?….” He got no response after waiting a couple of seconds so tried again - because he could hear you trying to stifle your sobs. After another two failed attempts he opted for a different approach. “Y/n… I’m worried about you… look, I know your upset right now but I need you to let me know your okay… or I’ll have to come in and…and I don’t want to spook you” “Don’t come in.” It was a sharp reply, with a voice that was cracked and clearly trying to keep It together. “Okay… I-I’m sorry if my surprise of coming home was a dumb idea…I-I’ve missed you.” Tom tried speaking softly, as he knelt down and sat with this back against the wall while nervously fiddling with his watch strap that he’d forgot to take off last night. Again he waited for a response but got nothing, again having to warn you he needed to know you were okay. He heard movements from the other side of the door, making him turn his head to the left, pressing his ear on the cool gloss paint. “I-I’m sorry” You barely were whispering, but Tom could sense you were now sitting in a position mirroring his “You don’t meed to apologise love” Returning her tone, Tom sighed at the end - trying to get his brain to process what was going on.

Y/n wasn’t one to overreact and Tom could count on one hand the number of serious fights they’d had in the three year romance. And even then, he was the one to raise his voice - when she argued it was more reasoned, slow and controlled. Actually it was one of the things that in those moments infuriated him even more - you were just so level headed and sensible. Scratch that, sensible purely in this context - everywhere else you were just as loopy as him. So this situation felt so very alien. He didn’t know how to help you and he bloody hated feeling useless.

After a few moments, you replied to apologise once again, for shouting specifically, and Tom nodded - not that you could see. But that was one of the things Y/n had taught him, sometimes you just have accept things - no matter the context. Accept he wasn’t actually a superhero and couldn’t do everything, accept that sometimes he could be a dick and out of line or accept an apology.

“Can you.. can you try and tell me why your upset? I want to help.” He was trying to be gentle, non-confrontational. But he knew something was so wrong. He needed to know so he could try and help out. “I…”Y/n began, but quickly trailed off, as if trying to formulate the words properly. “I’ve just been ill and” again another pause “and I haven’t been looking after myself very well. I just planned to be umm- to be better when you got back.”

It wasn’t a lie. It wasn’t really the truth either, at least not the whole truth. But it wasn’t a lie.

“I’m not sure I understand why your so worried about what I think though?” Tom inquired, as he started to fiddle with the door handle in his left hand - as if easing the idea of coming into his girlfriend without scaring you. In reply, you sighed again trying to put the words together without explicitly spelling it out to him. “I don’t- I thought you’d just be disappointed or-or think I’m reliant on you. I’m not and I can handle myself I just…. I don’t know.” “I love you, you idiot.”Tom chuckled at that, while standing up. “Can I come in now please? I promise I’m not disappointed just want to help you feel better.”

The door opened and no sooner could Tom take a step forward than Y/n ran into his chest, wrapping herself tightly around him in apology. He knew that he didn’t have the full story but really didn’t want to push her, more preferring to just love her. So that’s what they spent the rest of the morning doing, in their pyjamas and watching TV. Quite obviously, she wasn’t really making a lot of conversation, Tom filled some gaps with talking about filming - to which she’d hum in agreement or chuckle along. But for the most part Y/n was concentrating on something else.

The all-consuming guilt. That was what was eating away at her.

part 2?

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #Tom Holland angst

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bi-dazai · 3 years

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okay while we're on the subject of eating healthy and exercising, I want to vent/talk about weight loss. This is gonna be a rly controversial, very personal and extremely long post but I do want to make a point. I'm not going to discuss every fucking nuance of haes or my EDs. But for clarity, know that my eds are complicated and were mostly osfeds - minor anorexia osfed in high school and bed osfed when I was 18-19. after i realised how fat i was the minor anorexia came back and over the pandemic it became full scale anorexia nervosa.

I'm 5'3. The healthy weight range I should be in is in the high 40s-low 50s. I went up to TWICE that by the time I was just nineteen years old. It wasn't fun being fat. I consumed as much fat acceptance, fat activism content as I could, I pretended I was confident and happy even when I was fat. But I wasn't. Because people don't just get obese accidentally. A little overweight, yes. But obese? No. You get obese from depression, from giving up. You don't want to move so you don't. You're sad all the time, and the body positivity circles say eat comfort food, whatever and as much as it makes you feel better!! Do you know what that is? That's encouragement of BED. Do not say that. Because I did that. I ate sugar and junk food, I was still depressed.

I was reading these posts that were claiming fat people shouldn't be weighed at the doctor, that your weight shouldn't count, that BMI is incorrect and doesn't matter, etc etc. There were posts saying that they got "perfect bloodwork" (what even is that? I knew that was wrong, I've had chronic iron deficiency for a decade!) even though they were fat, so they had to be healthy, right? I got shown pictures of obese ballerinas and obese weightlifters blah blah blah. And I grew and grew, and I got to almost 85kg on the fast track to 100kg before reality smacked me in the face and I realised I was shortening my lifespan by decades.

Here's what it was like being obese!

- joint pain, constantly

- could barely walk anywhere without feeling out of breath

- couldn't find any fashionable, good quality clothes (plus size stores either carry unfashionable clothing, or fashionable but cheap quality clothing. I don't like to waste money on cheap clothes)

- more acne than I'd had in years

- oily skin

- more difficulty feeling "full"

- JOINT FUCKING PAIN

- rashes from skin rubbing against skin!

- even larger chest, making me MORE dysphoric

- back pain!!

- snoring - this is not just embarrassing. This is potentially deadly.

- DYSPHORIA

- KNEES. JOINT PAIN.

- DYSPHORIA

this was just things I felt physically, noticeably! The things that my fat was doing on the inside was even worse. Fat isn't just this layer of packing peanuts that appears on top of you. It coats your organs. It gets everywhere. It makes your entire body run worse.

Fat also makes it much more likely for you to not just GET cancer, but it it also makes it harder to FIGHT cancer. Being obese makes almost every single goddamn sickness on the planet worse because when you have THAT MUCH fat tissue the hormones and shit it secretes fucks EVERYTHING up.

Yes there are obese bodybuilders. Yes there are obese ballerinas. Let's talk about those two.

There are plenty of drs and dieticians who have pointed out the obvious - if an obese person was really, actually eating healthily and exercising every day, they would not stay obese forever. Its not magic, it's thermodynamics. CICO done right works for everyone. If you are eating healthy, appropriate portions for weight loss at your TDEE and exercising it would literally be IMPOSSIBLE for you not to lose weight!! Even more the heavier you are because when you exercise you carry around a lot more weight.

Obese weightlifters are still obese. They are not proof you can be obese and healthy. They are still going to die younger if they do not lose weight.

Let's talk about fat ballerinas. The only ones I've seen are trainee ballerinas, not professional ones. And their performance looks impressive at first, until you look closer. You notice their balance is never quite perfect, their control can be amazing and the best ever but they'll still be off. Why? Because fat moves around with your movement, and it displaces your balance and your line of movement. It's simply not possible to do something like ballet dancing as a fat person without risking major injury as well. En pointe is already stupid dangerous for the skinniest ballerina. Going en pointe at anything above 60kg is going to get progressively suckier the heavier you go. And god help your ankles because falling down will always end in a major injury.

I'm so fucking done with "fat acceptance". I'm tired of "body positivity" being a movement about obese middle-upper class white women and not about scars and disabilities etc like it was focused on in the start. I have no problems with Health at Every Size - every person should feel happy to workout, to eat healthy. I have no problem raising issue with people bullying others for their weight as well. That's wrong. But pretending that it's Healthy at Every Size is a fucking lie, and it's one that could've sentenced me to an early death. Healthy at Every Size said I was condemned to joint pain and oily skin and depression and exhaustion for the rest of my life based on cherrypicked sentences from studies that didn't agree with them. That "95% of diets fail" sentence in particular drives me up the wall. You don't need a diet to lose weight, you need healthy CICO, you need to eat below your TDEE, you need to eat healthy, and you need to exercise. All you have to do at first is go on a 10-20 minute walk, whatever pace you like, a few times a week.

You can BE fit, you CAN lose weight! You are not sentenced to having joint pain and an increased risk for cancer and a less effective COVID vaccine for life. You can change your body in incredibly ways. You have no idea what you are capable of.

There's this myth that weight loss takes keto and shakes and diet pills and crash diets etc. It doesn't. All it is is making sure you eat less than your TDEE, eating HEALTHY calories, and getting your heartrate up by exercising at least 175 minutes a week.

The human body is not meant to be obese. There's no such thing as a set point weight. There's CICO, there's nutrition, there's making sure your muscles dont atrophy. Weight loss and fitness isn't some magic thing that youre just born able to do. I was lazy throughout my entire teens. I thought fitness was something the popular girls did. It's not. It's for everyone. and everyone, especially in places with an obesity epidemic such as the US, UK, and Australia, should make use of it. It's a good thing. Walking is one of the best things you can do for your body, and it's incredibly rewarding in every way. Eating healthy and not eating until you feel like you're going to burst is rewarding in every way. And it's not like you can't ever have junk food again, you just have to limit it to a treat, a once or twice per week thing. And honestly, it makes it much more enjoyable that way.

Now I want to talk a little about my anorexia. My weight loss journey came to anorexia. This is because it was an eating disorder I'd had for a long time. I did not see a trainer or dietician, and I consciously decided to push myself too far. I consciously decide to eat less and exercise more when I am starving. This is not something that just happens because someone is eating at 1200cals. It happens because you have an eating disorder which you are born with. Saying people who eat 1200cals of healthy food a day and exercise right are "anorexic" is so fucking insulting to everyone involved. It's ableist and ignorant. 1200cals is also a pretty generous amount for anorexic ppl to eat. That's close to a binge in ED standards, so that should give you a reference for how offbase saying 1200cals is "anorexic" is.

My anorexia is healthy habits pushed into eating disorder territory. I eat healthy, yes, but I don't eat enough. I exercise, yes, but I often push myself too far when I'm already lacking energy. The advice I give people for health is correct, and I'm never going to go around saying "eat less than 1200cals" as weightloss advice. Eat less, sure, but there's a limit. Calorie counting is a good thing to do, tracking your macros and nutrients is good. But I do it too much.

I know what's healthy, a lot of ppl with restrictive and purgative EDs do. People with EDs can give some awesome health advice, we just can't follow it because we have a mental disorder. Believe it or not people with EDs discussing their EDs are not "pro-ana", pointing out that anorexia and people with anorexia are real and not some boogeyman you use to justify not losing weight and eating healthy is not pro-ana. Anorexia existing is not pro-ana and anorexics being anorexic has nothing to do with fatphobia.

this post is a rambling mess but i rly had to get some stuff clear on how I feel abt this stuff because it's getting concerning how much unhealthy shit, and then straight up ableist shit, that the fat acceptance crowd spews out.

A little exercise won't kill you, eating healthy won't kill you. You are not sentenced to ugly plus size fashion and joint pain and being out of breath for the rest of your life. Leave the Healthy at Every Size death cult and join the Health at Every Size movement. Let the doctor take your weight (it IS medically necessary). acknowledge that you are obese and it is affecting your health. It's scary but it can be the start of a new, healthy beginning. It was for me.

Losing 15kg has been the best thing in my life. Sure, the anorexia is there enjoying it for one reason. But the reason I truly enjoy it is because I've discovered what a healthier body feels like. I've discovered the joys of exercise, I've discovered the joys of eating healthy. I can fit nice clothes now. And I'm still overweight! I'm 66kg, that's 4kg away from the barest minimum acceptable healthy bmi. But I feel so so much better. I look better. I have a jawline! Good skin! Energy! It didn't fix me but it sure made me a hell of a lot better.

Please please try and eat healthy, eat an appropriate amount, go for walks. It's so so good, and if you do it right you WILL lose weight. You'll live past 50. You'll get to explore the world in a way you couldn't when going up stairs had you out of breath. You'll fit into that nice skirt you've been looking at. Your skin will clear up. You'll have energy and your mental health will improve.

It's so so fucking worth it to put effort into your health, like I cannot emphasise this enough. Please do it, I wish I could tell myself this when I was binging on junk because the FA crowd told me it was valid to comfort eat until I hurt.

#long post #this is mostly a vent but yeah #basically my decision is that im not touching any fat activism fatphobia etc with a ten foot pole #esp on this blog except to discuss my personal experience with it ie this post #personal #ok to rb #sorry for not putting it under a readmore im on mobile

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howtogetawaywithana · 4 years

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Weekend Diary Update:

07082020-09082020

TW: ED Bad Thoughts Depression Anxiety

Friday was an actual good day. I didnt feel bad abt myself and i was finally able to let go of all the stress that's been going on in my life.

That also means that the "guilt tummy" wasnt a thing anymore. Major part of me being able to not eat is being constantly stressed. As soon as I relax I behave like a pig

THIS TIME HOWEVER. I am so proud of me. I ate only healthy and good food! I had a "healthy" calorie intake and you know what ?? i dont even feel bad abt it rn

I know I'll prolly talk different abt it in a few days but as of now I am so proud of me.

I let go of everything that made me go crazy and just let myself melt into my granny's couch cushions. It really felt good to be taken care of, It really helps me to come over here.

AND I STILL LOST 4 LBS THIS WEEK ALTHOUGH I ATE ALOT THE PAST 3 DAYS. i lost my mind when i went on the scale this morning. My weight is l i t e r a l l y the only thing thats going right at this time so its just really satisfying.

I'm going to have dinner with my granny in a few and I gotta leave tomorrow morning :( I'm glad I don't feel as stressed abt it as I usually do though.

I wanna try the same method of eating this upcoming week. Restrict throughout the week, eating healthy on the weekend.

One thing thats been getting to my mind is my lose skin.. It feels weird. On the one hand i know this is my trophy the ultimate receipt of my weightloss but GOD its u g l y and i wanna rip it off my skin.

I'm still holding onto my dads words. he said once i maintain 120lbs for a year he'll pay for skin surgery....

I hope I and all of you can sleep well tonight, we'll rock the upcoming week!

I hope yall had a great weekend. stay healthy, safe and hydrated. Love you ✨🌸🌙

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thisisstillme · 4 years

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Someone Fishy

Tuesday 28th May Had such an amazing night last night, but the realisation that the holiday is coming to an end is setting in. Had Fred on my case this morning, shared my crisps with him. He’s so demanding!! We have a couples massage booked for 11am, it was lovely so nice and relaxing and they gave us a lovely plate of desserts with congratulations on. I’m happy that Fred now has a nice selection, but then the husband reminds me its our platter and Fred does not get first dibs. He’s so strict!! We found a nice spot on the beach under a parasol to soak up some rays. I decided to bite the bullet and sort some things out for my return, firstly lashes, very important, then nails & waxing also very important, then Sainsbury’s delivery. Feel like I’m going to be a new woman when I return, new diet, new skincare regime & keeping on top of my housework, so easy to be a better person when you’re on a sun lounger with a cocktail. Back in the room I put a snack out for Fred I whistle and he flies over, have a little chat with him the husband says “what?” I said “it’s ok I’m talking to Fred” he rolls his eyes muttering of course you are. Imagine how bad I’m going to be with a dog!! We go to Sizzle for the last time, I keep debating with myself about having something other than steak. As we sit down I put my bag down at my feet, the woman on the table next to me picks it up, I look at her and she says “oh I thought it was my bag!” She sounds just like Borat. She hands in back to me and I place it on the other side of me, away from her prying hands. We order our food, I lose my debate with myself and order steak. There’s a bit of a commotion at the next table. The borat woman isn’t happy, she’s telling the waitress she wants to speak to the manager, as she was told she could order fish, she doesn’t want meat. Er this is a steakhouse luv! The poor girl tells her she’s already spoken to the manager but she keeps on insisting. The husband and I want to discuss so resort to messaging each other across the table. I spot that she has one of those thermos things that people take to the bar on holiday and fill with booze, hers is BMW. I’m pretty sure she was standing in the restaurant earlier in her bikini and kaftan clutching her BMW thermos and they wouldn’t let her in. Who comes to a steakhouse for fish. She’s obviously pissed and up for a row, she also has a carrier bag, what’s in it? A body part? They eventually rustle her some fish up and she gobbles that down and leaves. Thank God. She’d kept trying to make eye contact with us but I wasn’t having any of it. We enjoy another delicious meal and head on back to the bar. As we’re sitting there we notice Borats sister again, she’s only digging in to the buffet! She takes her overfilled plate out on to the terrace, where her BMW thermos is sat waiting. The next time we look over, she’s fast asleep, she’s quite obviously a heavy sleeper as she is sat right next to the live music. #alcohol #drinking #weightloss #selfcare #selflove #health #wellness #diet #lifestyle #positivity #blog #blogger #blogging #sleep #holiday #barbados #sugarbay #rum #cocktails #beach #pool #husband #nails #lashes #shopping #sainsburys #karmaspa #skincare #housework @sugarbaybarbados @beverleebebeauty @lashesforeverbyzoe @sainsburys @sizzlesteakhouse 

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veganliberationworld-blog · 5 years

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💪🏼 Healthy Vegan Protein Boosters 💪🏼 ▫️ Credit: ➡ @seasoned_tofu ▫️ 🤔 What's your favorite out of this list? ▫️ Has to be hummus for me. ▫️ 🥦 Here's a few protein packed foods that are super easy to just add on top of almost every meal. Adding one of these to each meal throughout the day can make a huge difference on how much protein you eat and how many nutrients you get. ▫️ Let's go over these in detail: ▫️ 🍊 HEMP SEEDS - possibly the most well rounded of the bunch, hemp seeds are loaded with healthy Omega 3s, and a ton of minerals. About 6g of protein in 2 tbsp. ▫️ 🥑 NUTRITIONAL YEAST - the gift from the vegan gods, this flaky goodness is fortified with a lot of minerals plus a load of B12. Has a nice cheesy taste to it if that gives you any idea as to what to put it in (hint: everything). 6g protein per 2 tbsp. ▫️ 🍓 PUMPKIN SEEDS - Another nutritional seed, pumpkin seeds provide a lot of the same benefits as hemp seeds, with a little bit of vitamin K too. About 4g protein per 2 tbsp. ▫️ 🍌 SESAME SEEDS - Again, the same type of nutrients you'd find in the previous seeds, BUT sesame seeds are an amazing calcium source as well. About 4g protein per 2 tbsp. ▫️ 🌰 HUMMUS - a true life saver. I add it to just about everything due to its great mineral content and taste. About 6g protein per 6 tbsp (because everyone uses at least 6 tbsp when eating hummus, right?) ▫️ ❤️ Have a great week everyone ▫️ Follow 👥, Like ♥️, Share 🔄 & Comment 📝 #capetownvegan #cleaneating #crueltyfree #diet #fitness #health #healthy #healthyeating #healthyfood #justvegan #nutrition #plantbased #protein #proteinbase #proteindiet #proteinfoods #proteinhouse #proteinpacked #proteins #proteins💪 #ukvegan #vegan #vegana #veganfoodlover #vegannutrition #vegans #vegansofig #weightloss #workout https://www.instagram.com/p/B3G_FkDJ7B0/?igshid=7ozz75ash8am

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myfattestjourney-blog · 5 years

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My Story

My story is like that of many others, I was born a healthy girl but as I grew up I was always the big girl. Taller and fatter than all the kids in my class, for as long as I could remember it's just the way it was. I remember being teased for being the fat girl. I remember not having the luxuries most teenage girls did, I never had a bf in hs, didnt have a prom date, it was just different for me. I have always been nice and smart so I definately had friends, but I was always self conscious about myself. I loved to exercise but I hated to run, I still do. At the age of 19 I stepped on the scale and weighed 268 lbs. I did the atkins diet (it was popular at the time) and I lost 63 lbs. I met the man that would become my husband and I married him two months later. Four months into the marriage I get pregnant with my first child, I gained all 63 lbs back, a year after I had my son I was diagnosed with Thyroid cancer, 4 months after surgery and right after my 2nd radiation treatment my dad passed away. Dealing with so much in such a small time span I turned to food for comfort. My husband has never been the emotional supporter. So I felt alone. I would cry myself to sleep taking advantage of the fact that he worked nights, I began eating more and more. My marital problems got worse and worse, we split up. I was at 275 lbs the day I found out I was pregnant again. My husband was not very present during that pregnancy, once again leaving me to feel alone and depressed. By the time I walked into my delivery room I was 311 lbs. After my daughter was born I was able to maintain a stable 275-280 lbs. Although my husband and I tried to get back together on several occasions we just continued to split up. A viscous cycle that would send me into depression over and over. I felt like I had failed at everything, my life, my marriage, MY HEALTH. But if there's one thing I have is Faith Its God. So one day I decided I've had enough... my body had begun to ache, I was always tired, nothing was working right for me. I got on my knees and I prayed. Then it hit me, to quote one of my favorite movies "exercise gives you endorphins, endorphins make you happy, and happy people just dont kill their husbands." Mind you we had come to a breaking point but apparently I take my vows very seriously... so I decided exercising was going to take my stress away. I woke up the next day I went to the gym and I get a membership. I came home and I stepped on the scale. Dec 20, 2018 I weighed 322 lbs. Officially the heaviest I've EVER been. I cried, I cried so hard I lost my breath a couple of times. I couldn't believe it how could I have let myself get this bad? Well I can only improve myself from here. So I began to diet and exercise at least 4 x a week (it's a start I'm a busy mom with a crazy husband). And now I'm starting this blog to record my journey. I will share photos when the weightloss is noticable. I weighed in last week I've lost 7 lbs after a mild fall back during the holidays. Well hope you follow my story so that I can stay motivated and share my progress and let u know that if I can do it, so can you!

#MyFattestJourney

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cnpperformance · 5 years

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This dude us amazing @_grindhardprayharder_ - I’m proud of you. . I know it was a long road. I know a lot of people discredit what you had to go through as being challenging. I know that you wondered if any of the work you do and dedication you put in will ever mean anything. I’m happy to tell you it does. . God gave you a journey to go on that He didn’t call anyone else to besides you. Bodybuilding shows, Physique shows, fitness shows, might not be one of yours and I can’t say its mine either. It’s just a platform I can use to encourage and motivate those on the same journey—getting in shape, losing weight, living healthier. . I’ve dealt with so much guilt over the years. I hated myself for the times I chose to gym and diet, instead of hanging out with the people I love over the years. But those that loved me, loved me whether I was overweight or in shape. . So I want to tell you the same. I love you as you are for who you are. I would never want you to change and lose yourself, trying to better yourself but forgetting the heart that you have for the person you’ve become. The more that people love you and your heart, the more that the physical appearance doesn’t matter. . But I love you enough to support you if you don’t want make the decision to live healthier. To get in shape. To compete. I love you enough to stand by your side in every journey you’re going through, because I know how hard it is doing it alone. I know that you can do it but I would never want you to feel like you have to. . Thank you everyone for your love and support. I hope that the last years of my journey will motivate you and encourage to commit to grinding for yours. Love you. . #GrindHardPrayHarder #TeamCutz #cnpperformance #MyStrengthIsInTheLord #bodybuilding #Versagripps #fitlife #fattofit #obesetoabeast #transformationfitnation #instagramfitness #weightloss #fitforlife #nwchampionships @northwestchampionships https://www.instagram.com/p/BqBdm3KnNOm/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=18vbpxmjjymeh

#grindhardprayharder #teamcutz #cnpperformance #mystrengthisinthelord #bodybuilding #versagripps #fitlife #fattofit #obesetoabeast #transformationfitnation #instagramfitness #weightloss #fitforlife #nwchampionships

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littlewiseeyes · 5 years

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Change is so hard. It gets sad when you're at a point in life where you HAVE to do it now. And yet still keep failing at it.

This is where addictions hold plays in. You want to stop, your family wants you to stop, your friends (which I don't really have) want you to stop but it is VERY hard. Maybe I need an intervention?? But who's going to do it? I feel like I don't totally need it. Maybe I just need to yell at myself more.

This'd easier if I could go away. Like to rehab. No way I can afford that though. There's going on TV for help...but that's exposing myself to the world. Do I really want the world to know eating addiction and disorder was so bad I ate out the trash?? This is public but who reads my stuff?? Meh. My sister would half eat her donut and I'd wait till no one was looking to go in garbage bag and grab it. I used to hope everyone would get full so I could eat ALL the leftovers and what they could not finish.

I've tried telling people the things I've done an they laugh. I guess I do tell it in a joking tone. That seems to be the only way I can get it out for now. I feel quite childish in this sense. I laugh with them. I used to tell myself, "well you said it, so that's that. They can't say you didn't tell them!"

My mom tried to get me help. She took me to an endocrinologist who said I have structual problems that affect me. I got diagnosed with diabetes at 10 and my doctor put me on a strict diet. My mom got very serious with it. But I snuck around her so well. My step dad is the only one who would catch me. I think he felt like I wasn't his kid so it wasn't his place. I miss him, he had addictions of his own but we were friends. I miss my friend. But we both saw each other struggle in ways others didn't see. He didn't tell my stuff and I didn't tell his. We probably should've told everything.

When my mom died I stopped eating. It surprised me. My mind kept racing, there was no time for food or sleep. I stayed up at night watching everyone in their slumber to make sure they kept breathing. Then the urge hit me like a bus one day. All the food that people had brought over was calling me. That day I ate around every hour or two. I stuffed my face with anything I could find. And just like that, I felt happy. A false happy but I didn't know at the time. Sugar made me forget I was depressed. I skipped into the kitchen with giddiness. Anything deep fried made me smile.

I never wanted to say food made me happy. I thought that was such a sad thing. Its my truth now though and I must admit the truth. Truth is, food still after all this time is still an addiction and disorder. Its a fucking new year and I'm SUFFERING. I Fasted on New Years Day but once 12am 1/2/2019 hit I ate and ate and ate. I've literally been eating poorly ever since. I'm scared.

My health is so poor from doing all this shit to myself over the years. You would think that after all this time I'd do something about it since I'm so terrified of dying! My momma died suddenly! We had no clue. Then in 2016 I find out she had my health issues. I SCREAMED! My grandma had the same stuff!!! WHAT IS MY FATE!? GOD!

All this stuff is on the line and I'm still struggling. I can't believe it sometimes. Why am I eating so much fat and sugar knowing that causes massive heart attacks? I was dieting so well last year then I gain it all back AND more. That's going backwards, that's throwing myself back.

I have to confess though, some of my weightloss came from starving myself. When I starved my glucose and pressure levels got really good, weight seemed to fall off and I like I had some control. Then just like that I'm eating bags and packs and boxes of junk for days. I don't want to keep doing this. I can't.

This isn't a cry for help. I guess. I just really need prayer. I want to change. I HAVE to change. God help me.

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recoverydiariesposts · 5 years

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Monday, 5th of August

Aside from all the anger and stupid petty moods wings over dumb shit, here's a weightloss update.

Hubs and I weighed ourselves tee other day, as you know I said I lost 3 pounds somehow, and hubs has gained 10 since his last weigh-in (which was over a year ago, probably closer to two). We had morning walks yesterday morning and today, but for some reason his step tracker only tracked half the walk.

He logged back into his MyFitnessPal account so we could try and keep track of our eating habits. His says that he needs to not exceed 2500 calories to lose weight, which surprised both of us cause that's a high number, he says he'll just try to stay under 2300 to be safe. Mine says 1600 which is reasonable, I usually try to stay within the range of 1400 to 1700, cause I'm trying to not get consumed by ana again.

He apparently wants to be 170, which is my current ultimate goal weight as well, but I dunno cause a year ago tee said he'd be happy being 180-200 cause he did wanna be skinny. I think 170 might be a bit skinnier than he's expecting but I think he'll play it by sight as well. I'm worried my already saggy boobs will become worse, but I hate my arms and thighs and shape so I need to make somesort of change, and besides, I wear a bra pretty much all the time except for sleep and showering. I'm also gonna be sad if I can fit in my cute new dress that well, but you can always take an outfit in, not make it bigger, right? So I'm not too worried.

If my boobs become that much worse, I'll just make plans to get plastic surgery of some sort, my mom knows very good surgeons so I trust her (she's a nurse in contact with hospitals all around the USA). I'll also have to manage my expectations for raising children, cause I want to breastfeed, but if my breasts are floppy bunny ears and all that it wouldn't be wise to breast feed, cause it would be just a mess. I'll be sad but I'd rather be a bit disappointed in myself than smother my child with my boob, ya know? I wouldn't get plastic surgery until after my two planned kids, so that I don't ruin the surgery by suddenly gaining 40+ pounds from pregnancy and milk weight. I would like to get the surgery while I'm young, before 26, but at the rate we're going, hubs isn't gonna have a stable enough job for us to have two kids before then, so it'll have to weight, probably until after the kids are in school. I'll be in my 30s with the boobs I've wanted since I was 14 when they started to sag. God I wish I was born like my brother, a fast as fuck metabolism so I could've enjoyed my youth and then it would crash later when I had kids and was married and happy. I would've so loved to look like my mom when she was a teen, she was skinny, had small boobs, and had a pretty good relationship with food. I hope I can do right by my daughter or daughters (I'm hoping for only girls because boys scare both me and my husband, men in our families often ignore nurture and let nature take over) and make sure they never have disordered eating, and that they never gain weight like we did. I'm not banning sugar or anything like that, but I'll never use candy as a prize. Dessert is a given, twice a week. Like taco Tuesday or soup Sunday, it's something to look forward to, not a reward for good behaviour, cause then you'll covet it and drive for it. Kinda like how my mom's dog started asking to go outside, stood on the porch and then asked to be let in and expected a treat, we had to cut them down to only when we saw them go potty outside so that we could untrain them. Kids can become trained to only do things cause they expect candy, I think if it stops being a treat and starts just being part of their diet like meat or veggies, then they'll not fixate in it. I think treats should be taking them to the playground or watching a movie or something physical, I dunno ill talk to our GP about it to see if its proper help.

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cynthiadshaw · 5 years

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What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey?

Every twist in our story, challenge we face, and obstacle we overcome is an important part of our story. These difficulties make us stronger and wiser and prepare us for what’s ahead. As we grow and succeed we may imagine that soon the challenges will fade away, but in our conversations with business owners, artists, creatives, academics, and others we have learned that the most common experience is that challenges never go away – instead they get more complex as we grow and succeed. Our ability to to thrive therefore depends heavily on our ability to learn from our experiences and so we are asking some of the city’s best and brightest: What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned along your journey?

Carla Fonts Hrncir | Interior Designer

Be patient with your clients, be kind regardless of the situation you are in, and trust that God will take care of you—oh and always write things down!

dunbar-road.com/copy-of-instagram @dunbarroad

Josh Hicks | Master Fitness Trainer | Football Trainer

Stay Down, never give up on self, even when others doubt, it’s because they see something great about to happen. The Work will Show.

@3hunnid_fitness @3HunnidF 3hunnidfitness.com

Merrick White | Blogger | Boy Mom | Stylist | Clothing Designer

Be yourself. No matter what anyone else is doing, just stay true to yourself and you’ll find success and true happiness. It’s a crazy competitive world out there and it’s easy to get caught up in what someone else has or is doing. My advice? Put on your blinders and go to work.

@merricksart merricksart.com

Allen Conly | Personal Trainer | Bodybuilder and have Bachelors of Science in Exercise Science

@courtland_youneedpictures

Always do the best you can in everything you do, and always try your best to get back to, and staying in, the light! Stay positive and keep your head up!

@allenconly @AllenConlyPersonalTrainer

Janelle Gardner | Plus Size Model-Medical receptionist

Chaz Ezidore

The biggest and most important lesson I’ve learned is that you can be beautiful at any size, any shape and form, and to always know that you are enough and will always be ENOUGH!

@janelleisenough_

Chanell James | cake baker and creative

The most important lesson I’ve learned is that timing is everything. Mixing and prepping for the next step is crucial.

@Bakedbythebayou @bayoubakery

Alexandra Stout | Writer | Creator of the fashion & lifestyle blog, One Love By Alex

The most important lesson I have learned in my journey so far is that in order for us to best love those around us, we have to take the time to love ourselves.

onelovebyalex.com @alexvstout

TrackFingers | Self Taught Composer

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey is, “Leap and the net will appear.”

I’ve been teaching myself piano since I was 6. In my experience pursuing music, I did not know how all of it would unfold. The journey of the pursuit is what makes it interesting!

I’ve read that having “”faith”” is believing in things not seen. Late 2017, I made a choice to take my music seriously. Up until that point, I had been making YouTube videos on and off since 2011 but never really went for it. I practiced for hours everyday and uploaded to Instagram about 3 times a week. In the process of playing and uploading, I learned how to build an audience and brand myself. Even today, I stay up late studying great musicians so I can better myself. My page went from 444 followers on August 17′ to 10k on Oct 17′. That jump seems unreal but because of my practicing, my videos were landing on pages with 1M+ followers. On Mar. 2018, I hit 26k on Instagram and I released my first covers album on May 15th, 2018. One of my covers landed on YouTuber, “”The Theorist”” piano playlists and it skyrocketed my streams. On May 17th, 2019, I released my second covers album and with an original jazz piece included. I am currently working on more original pieces and learning jazz style piano! Everyday is a new adventure with lessons to be learned. All of these things happened the day I decided to truly go for it and not hold back! Have good intentions, put the work in, be kind to people, make the sacrifices, act with integrity and the rest will take care of itself. Just take the first step!

@trackfingers youtube.com/c/TrackFingers

Colleen Corliss | Certified Personal Trainer and Group Fitness Instructor

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey so far is the importance of managing your mindset: don’t stress over what you can’t control, and know that everything that happens in life puts you exactly where you’re meant to be. A positive outlook, combined with discipline and consistency, will get you far.

@colleen_corliss @cmc.fit

Gabriel Cano | Photographer

It’s something we hear often but sometimes forget. Don’t compare yourself to other people but instead focus on improving each day and don’t be afraid to make mistakes. I go back and see some of my work from even 18 months ago and get surprised how much my practice has improved. Each mistake is a lesson learned and pushing yourself to be even a little uncomfortable is when the growth happens.

@gcanostudio

B.L. Jones | Graphic Designer | Owner | Managing Director

The journey isn’t so much about becoming anything. Its about unbecoming everything that isn’t you – so that you can be who you were meant to be. When you do good by the universe it will always find its way back unto you. So trust the process – even when it gets tough. There will be some broke and lonely seasons – use that time to reflect and adjust your strategy.

Most importantly know your worth. There will be times when you feel the need to discount your value to feel accepted – don’t. Those who appreciate your craft will do whats required to garner your services.

Love yourself and remember to stay focused on you until the focus is on you.

@QualityBrandedServices @ZaddyApparel @thebrandingking shopforzaddy.com qualitybrandedservices.com

Ashley Cole and Darla Abshier | Co-Founders of Looie

@imagealivestudios

We began building our brand over a year ago and launched our business this month so these are exciting times for Looie and the journey is just beginning! The most important lesson we’ve learned so far is to surround yourself with people who both challenge and support you. For us, it’s a lesson deeply rooted in trust, compassion and gratitude for others and for the opportunity to give dogs their best lives!

@mylooie @mylooieDFW mylooie.com

Shari Burke | Weightloss & Nutrition Expert | Interior Decorator & Organizer

@braedenrogersphotography

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my fitness journey so far is you don’t need to be extreme to achieve results. It is very possible to live a balanced lifestyle while still losing weight and keeping it off. I learned this the hard way and now I have a passion for teaching other women that you can have your cake and eat it too. You’ll drive yourself crazy with extreme diets and workouts and you will be far more successful in your weight loss/fitness journey if you have a SUSTAINABLE plan to follow that works for YOUR lifestyle. No two people are the same, so you shouldn’t be following “cookie cutter” workouts and diets. Do what works for YOU. Stay consistent. And when motivation dulls, dig deep into the determination to keep you going. Life is all about feeling healthy, confident and enjoying a cookie (or two).

@shapedbyshari @shari.burke shapedbyshari.com @shari.burke.902

Tw’Ice | Shag Daddy & Artist

The closest people to you out of fear of your potential will start hating on you… some journeys have to be traveled alone.

@twicewithdashagg @twicewithdashag Snapchat: Only1Twice soundcloud.com/twicewithdashag [email protected]

D. M. Holmes | Founder and Creator of The Thirty Journey

The most important lesson that I’ve learned in my journey so far is to unashamedly, undoubtedly TRUST GOD. Through submission to God I have learned to be more intuitive with self and to face obstacles head on. This in return has led to healing, growth, and an elevated mindset to impact and inspire others through everyday living and my brand, The Thirty Journey.

thethirtyjourney.co youtube.com/thethirtyjourney @thethirtyjourney @_thethirtyjourney

Michelle Lonk | Mom | PR & Marketing Consultant| Small Business Owner | Dallas Moms Blog Ambassador

@wildberryfarm

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned along my journey is be who you want to be, not who you think you should be. Truthfully, I have to actively work on this daily. There’s so much pressure to fit in, be liked, and feel like you belong. Whether in personal relationships, the workplace or online with total strangers, I felt like I was constantly trying to mold myself to what I thought others wanted depending on the situation in order to feel accepted, successful, or even happy. This only resulted in me feeling empty and lost because I had no idea who I was or what I actually wanted in life. To finally have a sense of feeling okay in my own skin and trusting my own beliefs is unbelievably freeing. The great part? It’s only the tip of the ice burg.

@dallasmom.michelle

Ashley Conneely | CEO & Founder of Squatnowwinelater.com

My most important lesson: take it day by day. And give it your best each day. But know, your best isn’t going to look the same each day! But if you show up and give it your best every day – no matter what your best for that day looks like, you’ll do just fine!

squatnowwinelater.com @squatnow.winelater

Sarah Ghias | Co -Founder & CEO, Sweet Greetings Gifts

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in my journey so far is to have sincere intentions, and to keep renewing them along the way. The intention behind founding our business was to spread love and understanding through the age old custom of gift giving. It’s easy to get distracted though – to forget the “why” behind why we started our venture, to be pulled in by other motivators, and lose sight of our main goal. Renewing our intentions, however, keeps us grounded and true to ourselves and our business and acts as a guiding light through all difficult decisions.

sweetgreetingsgifts.com @sweetgreetinsgifts @sweetgreetinsgifts

Tyrus Dorsey | Music Producer | Audio Engineer

Keeping God first and putting the work in. Also keeping a great support system and having great energy around you. This is very important when you’re pursuing your dream. I been doing music production for over 10 years and i have had my ups and downs, One thing I know is that hard work pays off. Having a great work ethic and consistency will go a long way. I’m just thankful to God for blessing me with the gift of music and creativity.

“Always follow your passion and God will make a way for your gift to blossom and touch others.”

tdmusicstudios.com open.spotify.com/artist/0aAjsrSnHzYGKaKjMbLxuV?si=BUZRdozIT2WorR5u2sjusg music.apple.com/us/artist/tyrus-dorsey/530596028 @td_music_studios

Ramon Rodriguez

Biggest lesson I’ve learned along this journey has to be Patience . You have to give time to let your ideas develop. Artistic inspiration is all around us. When I see something that inspires my next painting, I’ve learned to give myself time allow the creative process to take place before I begin my next piece. I choose to be authentic to who I’am and to what inspires me. Follow your gut so that the work reflects your true self. Patience has worked for me I hope it motivates others in their endeavors.

theramonart.com [email protected] @TheRamonArt

Carol Elizabeth Hall | Store manager | Boy Mama on a weight loss journey

The most important lesson I have learned so far in my journey is that you have to work for what you want, always stay positive during your journey and learn to love yourself no matter the outcome.

@ketolovin_carol_elizabeth_hall

LeDarrion Bonner | Owner & Creative Designer of Ben Haited Clothing & Apparel

@joblessedcultureproductions

Its hard to answer with one important lesson learned when there have been many! I’ll keep it to these two, be patient and remain consistent in your grind!

BENHAITED.com @ben_haited @benhaited85

Darcie and Mike Gregoire | Serial entrepreneur and CEO of Pay Forward Bookkeeping

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey so far is that there is no such thing as failure, just redirection to where you truly belong, so keep going to where you’re meant to be.

payforwardbookkeeping.com @pay.forward.bookkeeping @payforwardbookkeeper linkedin.com/company/pay-forward-bookkeeping

Kimberly Moore | Entrepreneur & Owner of The K Couture

The most important lesson I’ve learned on my journey has been getting out of my own way and trusting my instincts as I was taking on a new journey of becoming and entrepreneur. It took me to realize that I was making someone else’s dreams come true. I had worked for Nordstrom for 10 years and it had always been my dream to start my own retail business. After a year of getting my business plan together, I quit my job at Nordstrom and two months later The K Couture was launching.

TheKCouture.com @thekcouture

Josie Bee | Natural Hair Specialist and Coach

The most important thing I’ve learned on my journey has been to learn and know thyself. Once I began to discover and become in tune with who I was. my real passions revealed themselves. From there I was able to pour into myself and passions to enhance the journey. Once you identify your passions, everything you do in relation will feel like bliss. No matter how many roads your journey takes you on, you will enjoy the scenery of them all, trusting and knowing you will make it to the final destination.

beenaturallychic.com @josiebeeofficial

Kenna Denease | singer | songwriter | actress

I’ve learned that you have to always be humble and have a good attitude about every situation. And in this business you, most definitely, will always get more no’s than yes.

3blocksaway.band @kennadenease

Kimberly Alexander | Speaker | Cancer Advocate | Host & Experience Coordinator

@Laterrasrwhitfield

The most important lesson I’ve learned in my journey so far is that life is short and you better make the most of it while you’re here. That includes appreciating the people and things that really matter, not turning down opportunities with the thought that they’ll come around again and living in the moment. I lost my husband to multiple myeloma (cancer of the bone marrow) and it forced me to put a lot of things into perspective. The most important being how will I choose to spend my days on earth moving forward. Now it’s all about finding a balance between my purpose and passion, while living unapologetically. When your world crumbles you have one of two options, crumble with it or come out swinging with determination. I definitely chose the latter and encourage others to do the same.

KimConnects.com @TheKimAlexander @TheKimAlexander @kimconnects

Smita Patel | Boutique Owner & Blogger

Never compare your beginning to someone else’s middle. Stay true to yourself. It’s a journey not a race.

@whatsmitafound @fashforwatdbtq

Candus Rucker | The Real House Hunter of Dallas

The most important lesson that I have learned so far is to never give up and stay teachable with a humble heart; because God can take you a long way when your yielded and surrendered to His plan as opposed to your own.

therealhousehunterofdallas.com @therealhousehunterofdallas @candus.rucker @candus24

Millicent Finney |Event Planner & Lifestyle Expert

@cindiibee_

I have learned many lessons but one that resonates the most is. Don’t be afraid of your story you never know who it may inspire!

finneyevents.com

The post What’s the Most Important Lesson You’ve Learned Along Your Journey? appeared first on Voyage Dallas Magazine | Dallas City Guide.

source http://voyagedallas.com/2019/07/31/whats-important-lesson-youve-learned-along-journey-2/

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starburrybubblegummm · 5 years

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new year new me

Lol. what a joke. ive already started this “new year” off wrong. i dont even know where to start. i just know i need to get these thoughts out and gone so i can reset.

i started cleaning my apartment today. which i knew would help.

last night was disgusting. i think i woke up like 4 times to get food. and in a sleepy state stuffed my face with sweets. i didnt even enjoy the taste i just convinced myself that i needed food and was hungry. i hate that i did that. and then went right back to sleep. like youuuu are disgusting. i also hate that i can notice a difference. im significantly more bloated, and chubby then i was. i got this stupid cold that i’ve literally had for 3 weeks almost and i really havent worked out. everytime i workout i feel like shit.

part of that i want to blame on that i’ve been seeing donald so much. but what does that have to do with me. i should be able to say no to bad behavior despite the company i keep. i went almost 6-8 months without having toxic food in my body. i did that crazy cleanse and was stupid successful. i cant start treding backwards now. i got on the scale today which was a mistake and i was almost 3 pounds heavier. not only am i disappointed in myself. but i know that charlie would be disappointed. i specifically chose him over the instagram girl because i knew i would feel like i didn't want to let him down. maybe because i knew his before. maybe because i saw how much progress he was able to accomplish in a year. but im definitely disappointed in myself. i really cant let this behavior continue, or affect my progress. i need to be okay with the fact that there are bumps in the road, and get back to business. change my fucking tired and get to skippin because i’ve already lost time.

NOT TO MENTION MY SCHHOOOL WORK. god has that taken a backseat on every single thing. donald, working out, eating right, hanging out with people, smoking, sleeping, tv, relaxing... everything seems more important then school work lately. i still have webinar hours i need to complete. and several exams.... im so close but so far and i cant find the motivation to finish. there are still so many things i dont know. and so much studying for this stupid VTNE i need to get done.

i remember writing a post a while back about how i start things and can never finish them. here i am...

halfway through my weightloss progress. stuck

halfway through school, stuck.

in this lul with donald, stuck.

trying to make work a better place, STUCK.

why cant i finish anything i start. its fucking wack.

should we even talk about my acid trip? sure why not.

i took the fucking acid... against my better judgement. and it was cool. it was honestly pretty cool. i didnt take too much because i was nervous. BUT AS EXPECTED the next day was crazy. i was WILD emotion. as if i had just done a bunch of molly. and i didnt want to be alone. i felt like i needed to be in somebody’s company. so i tried talking to my druggie community about it, and the consensus was that i have my period and my hormones are all crazy, so when i was on acid i was my most emotional self and may have brought out realizations and am dealing with them now... dude. when they told me that i was like WHAT THE FUCK. so i’m actually feeling alone inside?

un-related... donald mentioned that ALL OF A SUDDEN he doesnt want kids “i realize i dont need them” WELL ISN’T THAT FANTASTIC. what is happening?

meanwhile i damn near have baby fever. fucking gina was showing me all these crazy family pictures and the boys and it just looks like they were happy. i dont know sometimes im like maybe i could create the family i’ve always wanted. and be happy. WHICH IS JUST BANNANAS.

sometimes i’m like.... damn, i love this man and he is my best friend in the whole wide world. and sometimes i’m like.... damn, maybe were so toxic for each other we can never be together.

^^ ya know either or.

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