#god im so fucking tired of this kind of shit

[gazeboarcade]

So like. I want more lgbt+ stories that have actors in them that Look Like People. I shan’t name any examples bc I can’t take the heat of whatever fans of the Medias there are that do this, but so many have these stunning, polished, fresh outta vogue actors in them. And sure, they can be insanely talented and put on a great show…

But like, isn’t anyone else tired of it? I don’t know any gay/trans people that look like that. It feels… inaccessible. It feels like looking at something that’s meant to be a story you should (by all logic) love because it’s! your! people!

And yet… it’s not. Those aren’t my people. My people look like people.

#idk give me something to sink my teeth into 🤷🏻 #some stuff does actually do this in ways that’s fun/camp/earnest even #which is great!! but so much lgbt+ stuff coming out the last fistful of years or so #that’s. almost all there is #it’s disheartening !!! like I’m not saying you have to hire 1000% ‘’ugly’’ people or what have you #just like can we grow up and hire people of a variety of ages #or with cooler hair or god forbid SCREAM body hair!!!! #can people have a rich identity #can they be beefy or strong or even a mite fat #ARENT WE BORED GUYS #ARENT WE A BIT BORED??????? #a tooth gap even. freckles #things that small shouldn’t be invisible but they are so of FUCKING COURSE a lesbian can’t exist on tv who’s masc and also shy or kind #idk just fuck off fuck off im so tired of it #it’s exhausting #pls no one give me shit abt this I #I. Will get annoyed

[borderlinegerard]

i hope i die, you broke my heart

#personal #my posts #so fucking tired oh my god #just yelled at my sister so loud that my throat is sore over a piece of fuciing plastic #sometimes ecerytbinf feels so bad and its like. what do i even do #like ok i relapse and i need a break from someone and they loose their fucking shit on me #taljing about how you always deal with my shit and youre tired of how i see you as the worst in the group #as if i didnt literally repeat to you over and over again that i love you and that i always will even when you kept denying it #all of the times youve left all the servers and the gc and all that and i was there to comfort you #theres a reason im always the person you go to #byt yeah . im neverrrr there for you #like is it just that im not there for you in the Same Way that youre there forme ?? #does it need to be completely equal to be fair #and idk. i know hes struggling too but its so fucking stupid because ive been struggling for months and i dont treat u like tjat #im tired of feeling like i have to do two times more than everyone else ro be worthy of their love #like sorry man but im fucking sick and tired #i know ill be fine without you but like youre so sick right now that i dont know what youll do without all of us #idk im just like. you used to be so kind but now youre writing your name in mu blood #and sometimes i feel bad because i didnt mean evedytbinf i said to you but lets be honest #you didnt mean everyrbinf you said either #and i dont know if you were ever the right person because a lot of the time i think we are just two chemicals that werent meant to mix #but ill always remember you when i hear that one song and im making it sound like this is some kind if goodbye but it Really isnt #but like there was a time when i would tear myself apart for you. mot even because i liked you that much #i guess i just wanted someone that liked me as much as you did??? #and when j say that it isnt even about one soecific oerson. its an amalgamation of ecery person tgat has ever loved me #a little more than they were supposed to #i think i hate ahen people love me Too Much because i dont want to be adored like that it scares me #iknow what thats like and i dont want to be someone fp Its so scary #okay if im being honest i dont know whbat the fuck im saying right mow #byt like. idk. im tired and i think im done. tbh

[combeauferre]

.

#there's rly nothing like seeing someone else on social media describe their first day of adhd meds being like #this kind of eye opening experience where everything feels Immediately Different #and they're wired and awake and aware of their surroundings #and knowing that ive already been fucking around w my meds for 2-3 months and had barely any positive effect #even more frustrating when they're taking the medication i was told was on shortage so i couldnt take #it's just #sighhhhhh #like it's not their fault obviously #but there's just this displaced kind of. idk. heartbreak ???? seeing someone else doing Rly Well on medication #that hasnt done anything for u #like. god i just want my meds to be great and fucking lifechanging i want to Not Be Like This any more #im Tired and i just want this shit to work #sighh #incoherent rambling #ignore me

[serendipitous-mage]

not that ive had anything near a 'normal' year in well over a decade but thinkin about how proper fukt and hectic thiis one has been

beginning of year was working for one of the most insane managers/companys i ever have

middle of march i put in my two weeks, because in addition to a Lot of other reasons that i had already been struggling to not leave over, my manager straight up DOXXED a coworker(/their family member) on linkedin--and on the company linkedin as well no less--and some other drama that was just the last straw and i wanted some scrap of sanity back and to avoid that happening to me

end of march, hear that its not just possible but likely current roommate is moving, and while i *couldlve* gone with, it was an area i didnt want to go to

uncertainty from march-august, and not much progress made on job apps in that time because that is Such a huge/panic inducing process for me anyway without being unsure of living situation on top of it

roommate moving confirmed, i try and find someone who could take their spot where i already was but a lot of my friends had literally *just* moved in the last few months, so missed my chances

move in with some friends who already have so little space and money and now they have to share with me

finally hear about a job in like november

the job changes .. many times. first its a call center gig for this company, then they call back with 'the same thing but for a slightly different thing under the same parent company', and it actually does sound a little less hellish, so i go with that. all of the paperwork/emails i receive have the name of the first company on them, but when i asked about it they said it was just because of the parent company thing it was all good. they have me pick a schedule... all of the options are 40 hours, i had not asked too many specifics because i dont have the luxury of being picky rn, but i have never worked full time and am already always exhausted and cant stay awake all day, so this is going to be absolute hell. also there are 12 days where additional hours are Required, 4 of which i wouldve otherwise had off

i pick a schedule. they write back that some things changed here are some other schedules to pick from, i pick a new schedule. when we had initially talked on the phone for the first company i was told a setup day end of november and starting in december, but because of returning people/potentially from moving to the other, now im not starting until the end of january, which fucking sucks because ive been at $0 and owing friends for covering me for months. get a call saying some people dropped out, do i want to start a week earlier? yes ofc i do i need the money. get a call again saying the same thing, so now im starting the beginning of january instead.

equipment arrives: it is.....one small box......with the tiniest dinkiest little laptop with a whole entire one USB port and one USB-C port...great, perfect, this will work so well considering my monitor is VGA, and all three of my headset, mouse, and keyboard are USB connections. i do happen to have a USB to USB-C adapter for other things, but thats still only 2 of the 4 things i need plugged in. i tell them this, they through a series of CC'ing other people into the email find someone who knows where my Other equipment is. theyve sent me another monitor that has a USB-C connection and a (extremely chintzy) USB splitter. ok, technically everything can be plugged in now, whatever

we have a setup teams meeting: the lady running it mentions they just wana make sure our mics/cam work and then we can have them off for the meeting, 'because youre going to need both of them right? :)'. no. no i had bETTER not need both of them you are NOT having me ON FUCKING CAMERA for 40+HOURS A WEEK i will SCREAM.

but then. oh, oh boy howdy, and then...

the meeting was for both of the roles id been offered because the initial setup for both is the same, people for both the assignments are present. last i knew, i was on company B. i already have 15 pages of notes for company B from things i could find on the website and in manuals because i am an anxious bitch and wanted to make the first few weeks as painless as possible for me, im not confident, but i do have a fairly decent start and a basis understanding of the software already, so im a little less nervous about it

then the lady mentions...that....if youre with company A, you were sent one monitor, and if youre with company B...you were sent 2...

......i look up at my Singular monitor

and type in chat like 'hiiii um, so im with company B but was only sent the one monitor ?'

lady has someone else present double check my assignment

and they send

"youre with company A :)" legitimately with a smiley face

and when i tell you i am losing my shit-

15 pages of notes useless. company A is going to be higher call volumes and for a more generalized people which means more stupid questions and more confused customers. from what i can find on the website, their only support option seems to be phones, so there isnt even the possibility of having emails or chats which i Greatly prefer to phone calls, the other one had email at least. NONE of the emails they sent me said ANYTHING about the change, i can only assume it was one of the phone calls where they asked if i wanted to move up a week in the schedule, but it was NOT made clear i was changing anything other than the start date, just "theres an opening in the other class", and in the follow-up emails each time they only said "Thanks for your quick move to this new schedule" and "I'm excited for your earlier start date!", which does NOT imply i have been switched assignments

yall..im devastated lmao. i can never just Find A Job it always has to be some fucking batshit insane garbage like this

i start next week and im ......not excited to say the least ;w;

it only goes until april...but its going to be 40+ hour weeks (and i *doubt* any overtime pay, its technically a contractor role), on exclusively phone support (i fucking hate phones they make me mad anxious), i still havent been able to get solid notes for this one because their website is fucking unhinged and its taking me Forever to dig through it all, the laptop is tiny asf and there is no space in the shared room ive got rn to set it up in a way thats good at a desk or something im probably going to be sitting on the edge of the bed and using my shelf as a table which i Know from experience is going to kill my back and neck esp with the longer hours, they potentially want my camera on while working which is Not happening i might get fired for that even if i can keep up with the hours, and if i do get fired or quit? this job came through a recruiting agency which had got me one of my last remote jobs, and i dont think theyd be too quick to help me find something else if this one ends badly, so im really kind of forced to continue even if i didnt have such a pressing need for income asap

and all of this.. for a whole entire $16/hr :'D

happy fucking new years ;_;

#kill me #pLease fucking kill me i have been begging for 6 years #also the entire back and forth with emails for paperwork the person In Charge was incapable of writing sentences longer than 2 words #without it being riddled with typos and not making any sense #i hate being so poor i dont have the luxury of being able to chose what my job is #i really kind of just have to take whatever i can get #cos for a variety of reasons im trying to find something remote #and SO much of that shit is healthcare or lawyers or super advanced coding #almost everything else is call centers/adjacent #im going to be so incredibly dead #my last call center job sometimes got to 37 hours and i was so damn tired #and they werent even that busy half the season #i am......Concerned about what theyre expecting for call volume #hoping and praying to a god i will shoot on sight that the 'youll need the camera' is more geared toward company B #cos i just cant man #that adds so much extra strain from having to be aware of what my face is doing constantly #ill disintegrate #fuck this #just me #rant #also i fuckin hate new yyears in general this is Not a good fuckin time #hhhhHHHSeokafnjdhULJDKLFANSBHjnlkhbjnBFNAKFLGAH;FGJNAIR #A #long post

[v-arbellanaris]

i think the problem (?) is that the only kind of (fictional?) love that interests me is the kind of love that changes the world. the kind of love that derails the narrative, the kind of love that changes everything -- not necessarily by how special or unique the love is but by the very mundanity of it. the love that grows, not in spite of the barren lovelessness of Before, but out of it. i think that's why I'm always so invested in ships that are two people diametrically opposed to each other, or enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, or two people on separate sides of the morality issue coin, because i love it when love... not that it changes a person but it allows the person to Become. the space, the grace, to change. to love the monster, to love the unlovable and the intolerable, is to make it something other than a monster, than unlovable, than intolerable. i love it when being loved at your worst, ugliest, most horrible self is what makes you want to be someone worth loving. like is this ANYTHING to anyone or

#sorry im not here but im thinkin abt fic things and im really just! having some Emotions about things #idk? i see a lot of aspects of myself in villains. whoever you consider a villain. and i think there's a tendency in fandom #that I've noticed for like... years. where when these issues are portrayed in Good People it's always framed in an acceptable way #if they're angry it's never in a way that really hurts anyone - or everyone Just Knows they're going through shit #if they're depressed it's always the sad pathetic kind that makes people want to coddle you and not the kind that made me isolate and #unpleasant to be around #the urge/inclination towards violence to people who did wrong to me is a villainous act #trauma only ever affects Villains in a bad way. and their trauma MAKES them Bad and Evil people who should only ever just die to fix all #the damage they did to people. and idk man! don't you think that's kind of fucked up? don't you think that it's so fucked up to see yoursel #and the ugliness of your trauma and how it impacts you only ever represented by villains. and then the solution is ''they should just die'' #and in the rare moments those villains DO get redemption arcs or a second chance or whatever there's a large n frankly horrific portion #of fandom going i want this person dead or (other violent gruesome violating thing) because they're awful and horrible and their very #existence is unforgivable. i think they should die #and it's like i get it. i also get tired of having to see this message constantly blasted into my brain 24/7? #''why do you ship x with x--'' god i dont fucking know #maybe i want to believe we can get better. that people can change. #maybe i want to believe there's no end point where i have to weigh up the damage ive done to people vs the benefits ive brought and decide #i should die. maybe i want to believe that people are inherently good and want to do good and have the capacity for good!! #that we can do better if only someone believed we could!! #maybe i want to believe we're all worthy of love. of someone who will believe in us. who sees something good in us even when we're at our #worst & most unlovable. maybe i want to believe we can still BE loved after all that! idk leave me alone!! #tbd #i added the image bc its how im feelin rn

[beholdthemem]

The universe saw fit to gift my grandmother with a lovely case of covid for Christmas because of course it fucking did, so the past few days have been, uh...

Busy.

#personal #she's not in the hospital- she did end up going to urgent care on the 25th but they sent her home. #she did not TELL US she was going to urgent care we found out via whatsapp from my aunt #who'd been trying to coordinate a family zoom call and was informed by my granddad 'later. we're #at the hospital now'. #why did they not call and ask us to drive given that we live TEN MINUTES AWAY and granddad shouldn't be driving at the best of times? #that i could not tell you. something about 'not wanting to inconvenience-' which is insane #dad and i have been going up to try and get everything we can done for them since then #nana's been granddad's caretaker since he got diagnosed but anyone who's had covid can tell you it takes fucking EVERYTHING out of you #to just fucking walk around. im off work till the 9th thank god so i can be there as often as required but even so... #I have a sense that i should probably be freaking the fuck out but mostly im just... calm? it's not a happy calm idk what emotion this is #but it definitely isn't positive- but im not panicking. i feel like new bad info does not surprise me anymore it's just kind of a grit-your- #teeth-and-adjust-to-handle-shit deal. like. 'mm. god shits in our collective dinner once again. figures.' #there's no point in flying off the handle just figuring out how to fix things. im not happy but im... steady i guess? #im resigned and bitter and optimistic until im given proof not to be but mostly what i am is tired. not physically just- #my brain feels like a wrung out dishcloth. i keep trying to write because i know it'll make me happy if i can but its not working. #i keep writing paragraphs of shit that aren't matching up with what i want and if somebody gives me some meaningless platitude about #how maybe it's a sign it should be there and to try and incorporate it ill rip their face off. shut. up.

[mieczyhale]

becoming a fan of something or someone means getting weird secondhand embarrassment that didn't occur before. and anxiety! !SO MUCH!! both SO EASILY. just because i... now care about the thing or the people involved?? really??

because i really love a thing i can't freely enjoy it without some weird vague negativity related to some unknown vague people?? sure. okay. checks out.

#i know i cant handle criticism.. and people hating things i like is a personal and miserable experience #but come o n #this has happened since forever and i hate it #kim's new video drops tomorrow and where i've never cared what other people think of their content before as of late im like OH GOD. OH FUCK #maybe its because i saw so many shit fucking takes about their album?? maybe its just that i love them and i feel ready to #physically fight anyone with a bad thing to say?? #plus idk how this is gonna go. they have Messages and don't give a Fuck and thats beautiful but i have anxiety and the general public does #not seem to understand them #again: i didnt care!!! there was no shred of secondhand embarrassment or anxiety or anything when i first started listening to them!!! #but now when new content comes out??? fml i guess!!! #this absolutely did happen with the shadow and bones #as with all things before it #i cant watch most interviews and stuff #trying makes me wanna scream and kick my feet but in a nearly painful way?? like its an aggressive feeling. not the fun kind most fans get #i can sometimes watch them with no sound + subtitles #not sure why the fuck that is #anyway #im positive i didnt explain ANYTHING about ANY of this well but i have literally never tried to put it into words before and i am. so tired #maison speaks

[archaeolitikum]

one thing that makes me absolutely furious is when gym bros and diet freaks on the internet refuse to admit theyve got a raging eating disorder, and when people call them out on it and tell them theyre actively harming others by perpetuating this idea that their diet is just being healthy, tiktok teens will go "oh so now youre shaming them for having eating disorders 🤨🤨" NO??? believe it or not but even mentally ill people have responsibility over their actions regardless of if theyre done because of their disorder or not, stop fucking babytalking them like that what is wrong with you

i just saw some stupid tiktok of a guy bringing a fucking kitchen scale to a restaurant to weigh his food being like "wuuhhh always on the grind or whatever" and then someone else called him out being like "okay this is still not an eating disorder? okay. okay!" and the comments are filled with people being like omg you are shaming people with eds..... ARE YOU STUPID? shut the fuck up

#sorry for getting so passionate about this but its downright triggering seeing shit like this #ive long since recovered from my ed and today i have a very good relationship to food but this shit gets me riled up #like. idk man its so fucking filthy of these gym bros and diet idiots spewing their disordered eating habits all over tiktok #which is you know. a platform widely used by impressionable kids and teens #had i seen those kinds of videos in my teens it couldve fucking killed me probably #im sick and tired of gym bros and shit going on the internet acting like they have a doctorate in this shit #god im so. ugh whatever im just so angry about this #ed mention #tw disordered eating #← just in case #fuck it makes me so MAD. so many young boys listen to these gym bros talking about the 'right' diet or whatever #YOURE LIKE 16. YOURE NOT SUPPOSED TO GO ON A FUCKING DIET AND BODY BUILD AND LOSE WEIGHT AND STARVE YOURSELF #i want to bang my head in the table i have 4 younger brothers and the thought of them listening to these kind of people is sickening #i dont even want to imagine what that couldve done to them like. god #ive been on tumblr for roughly 10 years i used to endlessly scroll ed blogs like my life depended on it i know what this shit does to teens #fucking hell #sorry for the rant i might delete this later im just. god im so mad

[transgaysex]

laying down feels fucking sexual after moving heavy shit around for 5 hours in a row

#wind howls #im in a considerable amount of pain. i do not miss this feeling from my days of cashieering #i wasnt even moving heavy shit around then... just standing for like 8 hours in a row in the same spot #being on the move actually made the pain lessen a bit. i felt a lot more pain at the end when i was just standing there instead of walking #i thought we were only gonna be like 4 people moving half a warehouse filled with bottled water but like 5 others joined us #and that was for loading the uhaul ! considerably more taxing than emptying it #but thankfully for the emptying we were like 11 people because 1 left but 3 more joined us #and oh my god i cannot begin to describe how fucking delectable a veggie pizza tastes after moving shit around for 4 hours. #it was fucking nectar from the gods. and im mostly indifferent when it comes to pizza #anyway. i actually found it all to be fun. most of the stuff we were given is going to the refugee center we tend to donate it all to #we didnt just get water ! we got like. at least 30 full black bags of new clothes that well be able to give away #bunch of food. tons of utilities. lots of good stuffs thatll help people greatly #it feels good !! #i hope im able to continue this kind of volunteering work way after im moved out. it does feel fulfilling even if its so so so tiring #my body is screaming at me forever. laying down feels fucking awesome

[munamania]

things have not been normal. im so tired.

#i nap all the fucking time cause im so tired and my body is like making me get rest one way or another but then i wake up #and everything is still just waaagghghghggh you know. i am fucking sick of it! #i am not just a normal amount of tired i have been on the verge of shutdown since at least mid semester hanging on by a fucking #pinky nail like im going to be fucking insane. i NEED a break. if i need to check into a psych place to have that happen so be it #one way or another yall will leave me ALONE. #tired of people holding it over my head like when they've done shit lately esp when it's bc of how badly ive been fucking struggling #im not just being lazy!!!! im losing it!!!!! and that makes me feel like i cant reach out or rely on others cause i'll always fucking owe #them something or im always gonna be on thin ice in potentially fucking things up #like i need two seconds to get back to myself i need time to reconnect i cant fucking do this anymore #i love myself i dont like how im acting rn bc im just desperately in need of a break #and god yeah fucking arent we all but i need someone to see that it's bad and just. Be with that. not shame me or make me feel like shit #or fucking less of a person or like i need to like Bring it down a notch or whatever idfk. #just kind of saying things now. i need to journal and cry i think. #abby talks #i dont LIKE napping my days away i dont like not having time to do things i enjoy other than like laying around watching stuff #or being on my phone but i have genuinely not had it in me to do anything else. #anyway. i think i seriously need to be okay with being 'meaner' aka just prioritizing MY feelings and being ok if people r mad at me #cause it honestly feels like ive gaslit myself so many times into thinking im crazy to the point where i struggle in the most basic #situations. uggggghh.

[jwowwsboobs]

OK coming out midnight

#SO excited but im not staying up 4 the drop im tired n i have school 2morrow. but it WILL be the first thing i listen 2 ... hoping it will g #give me the strength 2 get thru german iv honors... tbh idk how the fuck i got into that class my german is god awful 4 real ... well fake i #fake it till u make it i guess!! whateverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr the teacher is cool i can always just ask him 4 help right. #i think so idk my school is weird as shit #xoxo #uhggggggggfdjhhhhhh this kind of counts as cleopatrick right #yeah whatever idc #cleopatrick

[darth-does-stuff]

sometimes i think that i don’t really get dysphoric or have any doubt about my identity with being trans and then i experience nights like last nights and. hoo boy

#it wasn’t even like crushing dysphoria it was just #so much doubt. just so much. #and it wasn’t the kind where i looked in the mirror and i hated how i looked #it was just being so confused about if i was really trans #unease and second guessing myself #and then it translated to my interests and stuff and it was bad #i just felt tired and bored and so lost and it was #bleh #-100/10 would not recommend #we’re doing better tonight though we’re doing better #in the gender sense not physical i have a killer headache and it’s the middle of the night lmao #god thinking about last night and how i felt really is just so tiring #nothing even brought it on there was just sudden doubt. i was overthinking and second guessing #i kept asking myself if i was really trans do you feel that this is right #that fucking shit #and then somehow i don’t know how that translated to my interests??? #like one moment im questioning my gender and the next i experience this thing of. not interested in anything #except dimension 20. that interest was still there thank god #but i suddenly didn’t feel like writing or drawing or making sanders sides stuff #i was just. tired and lost and it sucked #well there’s my little rant i’m gonna sleep now lol #tw dysphoria #rant #vent #don’t really know what to tag it as lmao #once again i’m better tonight so dw

[silverislander]

i know logically in my brain that i have a disorder that makes it hard for me to focus and do work, the symptoms of which are not gonna go away bc other people need/want me to do stuff, and still like. i'm behind on a bunch of shit for school rn and i'm kind of spiralling over it bc WHY IS IT HARD. this is stuff i like doing and that i want to do. and i can't for the life of me fucking do it and the deadlines are coming up and i NEED TO FUCKING GRADUATE so it has to get done

#i have two assignments due for indigenous lit and i havent even read/watched the materials which is fucking shameful ngl #im so disconnected and behind in that class its not even funny. ive been skating by reading part of the books and doing shit last minute #and i feel awful abt that in particular bc i WANT to give it my full attention. i want to learn. this is important and interesting to me #im also a week behind on my essay which terrifies me ngl #im a week OUT from the next deadline and thats not getting met. which begs the question of when im going to be able to submit it #when i asked my prof for extra time he said he trusts me to 'work conscientiously' which. god. thats so kind but i dont do that #theres an assignment next week for book history that i dont have even started and dont understand #and i cant make myself do fucking anything at all i want to fucking cry #why cant my brain work normally please this one time #why cant literally anyone in a position of authority take me seriously that its a problem i am literally begging rn #im tired of being told that im smart so i can do it bc i literally cant anymore! its been getting worse for years! #i Am smart enough to do this but something else is wrong!! please!! im trying so hard and i know its not this difficult for everyone #im only taking 4 courses! i know people taking 5 who arent struggling as much as me w workloads!! #its gonna take me failing for anyone to care and i cannot fail at this point. im almost done #levi.txt #vent tw #and then i also feel bad bc i blame everything on my adhd #but also. it does fucking affect all aspects of my life #and i feel like i complain too much but that simultaneously nobody is getting how hard shit is for me/how im not ok #delete later #im not asking for attention rn im just yelling into the void dw abt it. ill probably feel better in an hour or two

[itsgeorgielu]

honestly with the way social media is going rn i am heavily considering going off the grid

#georgie says things #honestly ive just not had the energy to keep up with posting art stuff for like. 3 years now and with all the #ai shit and the weird fuckin transmisogyny on this site and fucking Everything Else on the other sites. im tired broes #off grid in this sense just means off social media btw not like. Off The Grid #the internet used to be fun and magical and sure. dangerous but god i used to enjoy using social media. now im just on it to kill tims #the only thing is i feel more out of the loop with current events but also theres so much bias and misinfo its kind of hard to do that too #anyway its half 1. ive been meaning to sleep since 10pm. i go sleep