#god hate on my hyperfixations makes me feel so sick and awful

[lizthewriter]

love is so embarrassing / ted logan

PAIRING  ted logan x fem!reader

SUMMARY  you continually give your all to a jock who could care less - ted makes you realize there's mucb better options out there. namely, him.

TAGS  ted logan x fem!reader, high school, prom, og!boyfriend is a complete dick, best friends to lovers, fluff, angst, loser!ted, kissing, cursing, canon-typical lingo, most excellent

QUOTE  "just watch as i crucify myself, / for some weird second string, / loser who's not worth mentioning, / my god, love's embarrassing as hell," - love is embarrassing by olivia rodrigo

WORD COUNT 1.7K

WRITTEN  12.30.2023

ted -

you stormed into ted's bedroom, slamming the door behind you. ted watched from his bed with an expression of mostly shock, mingled with a slight bit of awe. you flopped onto his bed, buried your face into his pillow, and let out a feral scream. he placed down the magazine he'd been flipping through and held a finger next to your side, weighing the pros and cons of poking you to elicit a reaction. before he had time to do so, you immediately sat up with an angry pout and offered him the most sympathetic look you could while so angry.

"sorry, it's just . . . i hate him. i hate him! he said we would be spending the whole night together, but yet again he's made plans with his 'friends' and he's 'so so sorry.' honestly, i'm getting sick of it!"

oh, you were angry about that boyfriend of yours. ted wasn't a fan at all - the way he treated you was most heinous. he didn't really seem to care about you - if anything, he treated you like a side piece. no, Ted didn't like him one bit.

"don't be sorry," ted said, flashing you one of his trademark grins. somehow, just with a smile, he was always able to make you feel better. "I hate him too! a dickweed like him doesn't deserve a babe- i mean, a girl - like you."

your lips spread into a thin line, which he supposed was an attempt at a smile. "thanks teddy," you responded softly, patting him on the thigh. you tried to think about something else, move the topic of conversation away from your good-for-nothing boyfriend. "so, whatcha doing?"

"me?" ted asked, a little suprised that you were interested. you had spent a lot less time with him and bill ever since you started dating that douchebag. sometimes, he thought you had forgotten about him completely - and that made him feel totally bogus. thus, his eyes sparkled in excitement and he began to talk very fast because when was the last time you two had some time to just chat? "i'm just looking at these totally awesome dudes, to get uh - uh -" he glanced upwards in an attempt to remember the word he wanted to use. "well, i'm writing music for wyld stallyns and stuff."

"oh, cool!" you exclaimed. "can I see?"

"no!" ted responded, perhaps a bit too quickly. he didn't want you to see the many failed attempts at writing a most bodacious love song for you. "they're still, er, works in progress, dudette!"

"oh, well, all right!" you paused, lost in thought, before you asked, "wanna go watch a movie?"

you -

you had felt the guilt creep in rather quickly once you realized how much you'd been procrastinating on hanging out with your best friends, bill and ted. you had been so hyperfixated on your boyfriend that you had completely forgotten about your weekly movie night and failed to meet up with bill to help him paint some posters for a wyld stallyns. you decided to apologize by treating them to a day at the mall, buying ice cream and movie tickets for all of you.

while you and bill chatted vehemently about perhaps the coolest sci-fi film you've ever seen, ted was a bit preoccupied watching your so-called boyfriend get a bit too cozy with cindy. cindy, who most considered to be the prettiest girl in your grade, was head cheerleader (though you had always been the prettiest, in ted's mind). you noticed that ted was being uncharacteristically quiet and followed his line of sight. immediately, your jubilant expression fell to something much more hardened.

"of course he's here. why wouldn't he be." he somehow always found a way to ruin your best days - and who the hell was that he was copying up with?

"hey, wow, look over there!" bill said all of a sudden, pointing to the lower floor of the mall, in the opposite direction. you didn't notice the look that bill gave ted and glanced to where he was pointing. there was nothing there.

"i don't see anything," you said with furrowed brows, completely distracted now and confused as to what exactly bill had spotted. ted had rushed to your side and looked down as well.

"what? i don't-" ted let out what sounded like a small whimper of pain (you didn't see bill step on his foot). "oh yeah! duh! the thing, you didn't see . . . the thing?"

"what thing?" you asked exasperatedly.

"come on!" bill exclaimed, running towards the escalator. ted barked out a laugh before quickly following him in pursuit.

"wait, guys!" you didn't realize until you jad gotten home - they were distracting you from your so-called boyfriend. you couldn't help but smile the rest of the day.

ted -

you and ted walked off the bus together, laughing your asses off as you made the slow walk to your houses. the two of you had lived next to each other for as long as you could remember. the bond between the two of you had remained strong ever since.

ted watched as you through your head back with a bark of laughter and he admired the way your grin split your face, the way your hair tickled the nape of your neck, how the sun twinkled in your beautiful eyes. he was snapped back to reality when you had straightened out your head, your entire back even, and stared in suprise at someone sitting on your front lawn. they held a boombox, romantic music blaring through the speakers. they held a sign, one that made ted sick to the very depths of his stomach. will you go to prom with me?

ted had been planning on asking you that very same question later today. but it was too late - you were running up to that douchebag, your arms thrown around his neck as you shouted "yes!" rather a bit loudly. that sound is punctuated in his ears for the rest of the day.

later, when you were both sitting in his room doing homework (well, you were doing homework - he was sulking while pretending to write about history stuff) he placed down his pencil. this drew your attention.

"what do you see in him?" ted asked.

"what?" you responded with furrowed brows, obviously not yet accustomed to the sudden change in conversation.

"what do you see in him? your boyfriend? he's not - not smart or anything. not that funny. not even that good at football."

you leaned back and closed your math textbook. "what's that supposed to mean?" he felt uncomfortable now, at your offended tone, and wondered whether he should have spoke up at all.

"he just doesn't treat you right," ted grumbled. "you deserve to be treated most excellently - and he certainly does not treat you as such. you saw him with that girl at the mall."

you nodded slowly before gathering all your books together in a rush, fury painted all over your face.

"where are you going?" ted asked innocently.

"away from you," you responded harshly. "you know what i think, ted, I think you're jealous that i have a date for prom and you don't. don't pick on my boyfriend because your miserable."

"what, no, that's -" you held a hand to his face as you left his room, slamming the door behind you. "non-non-heinous, man."

you -

you smiled for the picture your parents took with you, your boyfriend, and bill and ted (the boys were glaring daggers at each other, not to your awareness). as you were ushered out the door, you were met by the sight of a limo out front.

you felt someone snake a finger under the strap of your dress, pulling it back and snapping it against your skin. you let out a yelp, slapping your boyfriend in the arm, half-serious. "ow!"

"well show a little more skin next time, missy, i thought we were having a fun time," he responded with another cruel chuckle. you wrapped your arma ariund your shoulders with discomfort, pulling the straps of your dress further upwards. yoy glanced towards ted, his teeth clenched and fists crumpled. maybe he was right. maybe he really was a douchebag. it was time you didn't let him treat you like shit.

"well if that's all you cared about tonight, getting your dick wet, then i suggest you find another easily-manipulated girl to be your prom bitch," you barked back sharply. as soon as you realized the words that had left your mouth, you slapped a hand over your mouth. bill arched a brow at ted in suprise, who let out a snicker.

"you find that funny, logan?" your (ex-)boyfriend said to ted.

"yeah, i do," ted responded, blowing out his chest, trying to seem tough. only a second later there was a sickening crunch, a blow dealt to his jaw. he fell down to the ground, his face turned away from you. you rushed over to ted, asking if he was okay. you only heard your ex scoff and walk back towards the limo.

"ted, let me see your face," you said gently. he turned his face towards you and you let out a gasp. his jaw was all bruised up. "oh god! i'm so sorry!"

"cool, dude! battle scar!" bill exclaimed excitedly, letting out a chuckle. ted pushed himself to be sitting upright, a grin spreading like an infection across his face.

"i totally pissed him off, didn't i?" ted asked, obviously very smug with himself despite having just been punched square in the face. "I told ya he was bogus."

"i should have listened to you earlier," you responded sheepishly, wincing at the memory of raising your voice at ted. "I wish i could make it up to you."

"well, there is a way . . ." ted trailed off, looking towards bill. he responded to ted with an ostentatious thumbs up, and ted returned to your gaze with another lazy grin. "go to prom with me?"

#ted logan x reader #ted logan x you #my writing #fanfiction #my fanfiction #my fic #writing #fanfic #— [ glizzy posts ☆ ]

[xxmisty]

My Big Humiliating Torchwood Confession - Part 1 :P

Warning: this will be a LONG post, and i’m sorry about that! 

Lucy is sat opposite me asking me repeatedly if I’ve started typing yet because she knows how desperately i’m putting off making this post!!1

This is awful, this is.... probably the most embarrassingly intimate confession i’ll have made since the day I opened up about my fetish way back at the start of 2013. And on the surface of it it probably doesn’t seem like that big of a deal but IT IS TO ME! And a big chunk of the trauma i’m about to express is tongue in cheek but it’s genuinely been - and continues to be - a huge bundle of DISTRESS AND HUMILIATION AND UTTER RESENTMENT!!! Because this year has been.... one hell of a personal journey and i don’t even mean anything to do with the pandemic.

It all started on New Year’s Day. I was feeling horrendously ill; the miraculous medication that had started to give me my life back had run out and thanks to the festive postal delays my new lot hadn’t arrived yet. I was in agony, I had a horrible headache, I felt sick and I could hardly move. We spent the day watching a bunch of muppet stuff, and that night we watched the first ep of season 12 of Doctor Who and, y’know, it was a pretty damn good episode (plus thirteen in the suit.... fuuckkk) 

So afterwards we started having a discussion about Chris Chibnall - we’ve long held criticisms about some of his writing (not all of it, but it’s a mixed bag) and Lucy told me I still hadn’t seen his worst writing because that was for Torchwood...

Which I had never seen. Which I had been desperately trying not to see, although I didn’t know why. I just always had this vibe like a big “NO ENTRY!” sign at the idea of ever watching it. It’s not as though I had a logical reason for it, it’s not like I’d read up about it and thought, ‘naahhhhhh, I don’t fancy watching that’. I just had a big WARNING sign in my head, telling me not to go there. 

Several years ago Lucy made me watch the first episode (after i’d been avoiding her threats of showing it to me for like 2 years) and like... it wasn’t horrible? It wasn’t... great either... but it didn’t kill me. Then a couple of years ago she showed me Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang because we were having a big Runaways phase so she wanted to show me an episode with James Marsters in. Again, it didn’t kill me. It wasn’t horrible. But I still had those big NO ENTRY!!! signs up in my head. I was still trying desperately to avoid actually being shown Torchwood as a show.

And the the new year happened and I was too WEAK AND DEFENCELESS to know what was happening when Lucy and I cuddled up in bed that night. I was too sick to really comprehend what she was doing or to fight back when she announced she was going to show me the very worst of Chris Chibnall’s writing... and put on Day One followed by Cyberwoman.

Oh. My. God.

All day I had been in a state of physical agony. Suddenly my mental and emotional state was far, FAR worse!!! The sex gas alien was bad enough, then by the time she put on Cyberwoman my brain was trying to shut down. I used to suffer blackouts and, god, I kept blacking out all the way through it, and instead of being her usual loving, wonderful self she KEPT FORCING ME TO COME ROUND TO WATCH IT!!!

By this point it was gone midnight and I was in a state of utter distress!! This was the worst double helping of tv I had ever sat through in my life and I sat up and let forth a tirade of absolute distress! This, I decided, had to be the reason I’d been avoiding Torchwood. Because it was more like.... Torurewood :P 

Yep, that had to be it. Couldn’t possibly be anything worse, could it? 

At least now lucy had shown me those two terrible Chibnall eps I would NEVER EVER HAVE TO WATCH THEM AGAIN. Or ANY Torchwood episodes. Yes, my ordeal was over. Had to be.

Nope. We went back to bed and she put on Out if Time. And i’ll admit, the story was much stronger but goddddd I had issues with the endings! And my level of despair started to rise even higher. I HATED Torchwood! This was the most distressing night’s viewing ever and I just wanted to go to sleep and be done with it all! Lucy put one more episode on afterwards: They Keep Killing Suzie. And that was much better but halfway through we finally fell asleep - so surely my trauma was over with.

Nope.

I had horrible nightmares of a very thirsty Gwen coming onto me all night, over and over again and it was HORRIBLE!!! Like, you have no idea how distressed I was! And when I woke up I blamed lucy whole-heartedly and she very sympathetically laughed at my plight!

But yeah. My trauma was over. No more Torchwood. I’d suffered the night from hell. Now it was time to pick up the pieces of my shattered life and move on! My medication arrived that day, I started work on some new pet portraits and life went back to normal.

Until that night, when I saw the telltale sign of Lucy putting a video on and turning her iPad around and then there they were - the opening titles of Torchwood - and I wanted to jump out the boat and into the canal and swim as far away as possible!!!

But the episode she put on was Fragments. She said she wanted to show me Chris Chibnall’s finest episode. And y’know what? It was really pretty fucking good. And god, I was fURIOUS about that!!! When we went to bed she pulled a real double whammy though by putting on Adam - which became instantly one of my favourite episodes of ANYTHING, EVER. And I looked at my wife, shook my head, sighed and told her, ‘nice save, Lucy... nice save...’

Over the next couple of weeks we also had a major Doctor Who rewatch and revisited most of the New Who era, and - to my mixed feelings - she dotted various other episodes of Torchwood in around them. I was conflicted - after the Adam and Fragments double bill I was no longer in brain-screamy hatred territory. I did however keep having flashbacks to that godawful night. Plus i’d had several further nightmares about a thirsty Gwen and I did NOT like it! But by a couple of weeks into January I’d seen a fair bit of Torchwood. Some of them twice. 

Around this same time I’d started back in testosterone after not being able to afford it for the last 3 years. And then I started to notice I was getting some..... urghhhhhh..... unusual... and very uncomfortable feelings... about certain.... things... and characters.

And I started falling headlong into a great big gay panic :P

And here’s where the whole story becomes a HELL of a lot more embarrassing so i’m going to put it under a read more :P

Did ya click on that read more? Wh-why? there’s nothing to see here... especially not a long tale of shame and distress :P ugggghhhhhhh ok, FINE;

Basically there were two things happening at the same time. One was that I started to feel something I hadn’t felt in two decades. When I was a kid/teen we didn’t have the phrase ‘hyperfixation’ so I just called them obsessions. I always had obsessions, at any given point there was always this ONE THING that was my entire life. i lived it, breathed it, became it. It was my whole world, my whole personality, my focus, my lifeline. 9 times out of 10 it would be a tv show. Between the ages of 12 and 15 I would generally change my obsession about once a month. There were several ‘usual suspects’ that would cycle around over and over - Red Dwarf, The Brittas Empire, Sonic the Hedgehog, Halfway Across the Galaxy, Parallel 9, Out of this World... 

late in 1995 I became obsessed with The X Files and - bizarrely - that obsession just ran and ran. I was so used to my obsession changing around once every month that it was bizarre to still be absolutely hyperfixated on it almost 9 months later. And then, in June 1996, my longest ever obsession took its place, a little known uk fantasy show called Bugs. 

That... was my longest running obsession. And oh my god, was I ever obsessed with it. I have no idea how that one obsession kept going for 3 years. i’m sorry this is particularly wordy but this is kind of personal and I want to explain this right.

If you’ve been following me for a while you’ll probably known that one of the most defining moments of my life happened in the summer of ‘98. My cousin’s husband sexually assaulted me and my life spiralled into total despair. While that night was bad enough, the slow breakdown I went through over the course of the year that followed was harder to recover from. And eventually I came out the other side to some degree but i’d lost my love of three things that made me the person I was: writing, drawing and being obsessed. All three were so closely entangled with that night and surviving afterwards that it changed something that had always been a fundamental part of me.

I was no longer able to feel obsession. To hyperfixate the way I previously had. It was like something was broken inside me. And that was like a loss unto itself. It was SUCH a big part of me. It had been the only way i’d survived years of depression when I was young. My obsessions were what kept me afloat. 

In the last decade there are a few things that I called ‘obsessions’ and I thought were as close as I would ever get to the way I used to feel. I thought maybe it was because i’d ‘grown up’ (pah). That’s not to say that i wasn't thoroughly into Ashes to Ashes, FNAF and Homestuck, for example, because of course I was! I even called them obsessions, but there was something that just... wasn’t the same, no matter what I did.

And over time, I got back the other things I’d lost. I started writing my A2A fics in 2010 and Lucy helped me to start drawing again in 2018 and god, both times it was like finally having a piece of myself returned after so long! As for my ‘obsessions’, I just thought I wasn't able to feel the way I used to because I wasn’t a kid any more.

But then, I thought that about Christmas Eve too, and then lucy came into my life <3

Still, the last thing I was expecting was... for *those* feelings to start sneaking back in my life. Feelings I hadn’t been able to experience since the summer of 1998-9. And to my further distress I discovered that they were relating to a certain show that I’d had a traumatising introduction to on new year’s day...

Suddenly it was all I could think about; TORCHWOOD! TORCHWOOD! Aargghhhhh and yet I still hated it! It was still awful! And yet... at the same time... it was so goooooooood.... arghhhhh, every time we watched an episode there was a  knife twisting in my guts, reminding me that I hadn’t even felt these feelings over things we’d been HUGELY into... the fandoms we’d met through, the fandoms we discovered together. Nope. It was Torchwood that brought back my ability to hyperfixate! And I have SO MANY ANGRY FEELINGS ABOUT THIS!!!! Grrrrrrrrr!!

And believe me, I kept thinking it was going to stop and go away BUT IT HASN’T! It’s only gotten worse! And as of yesterday Torchwood officially became my second  longest obsession ever!!!

I. AM. FURIOUS!!!

It’s... urrghhhh I hate this fact but it’s almost like I have a crush on the *show*??!!! I... can’t explain it better than that??? It’s like, if I could throw Torchwood on the bed and make sweet, sweet love to it I would :P and yeah, i’m saying all of this tongue in cheek but i’ve had a fucking sky high libido ever since I went back on T (ohhhhh and believe me I am LOVING it!!! 💙💙💙) But it’s like... there are elements of Torchwood itself that are so fucking hot that I get.... reactions that I am SO FUCKING EMBARRASSED ABOUT for so many reasons deidjdhdggjhaaahhhhhhhhh

Lucy literally only has to say ‘Torchwood’ at me and I end up in a gibbering heap half the time - I am not even kidding!!!

This, however, is NOT the worst thing that happened as a result of Lucy making me watch this god damned show.

But honestly this post has gone on WAY too long already so i’m going to save that for part 2.

Oh god... my shame.... my total and utter shame....

To be continued :P

#torchwood #about me #me #obsessions #hyperfixation #moirspritmaterail blogging #Lucy is MEAN!!! #my posts

[keyofthetwilightsalt]

Salt: Honestly. After thinking of VLD as a whole. The series, the fandom, the staff and cast. I just feel like absolute shit in the end.

Like here I was, being hyperfixated on this show and the characters, and having a good time for a short while, but then everything went to shit. And as a shipper. A Sheith shipper to be exact. I had to witness and experience constant harassment, bullying, false accusation, death threats, Suicide baiting, cp, gore spam in the inboxes, and unfair callout posts that falsely accuses to both Sheith/Shaladin shipper and VLD staff alike of P//dophilia and incest in it. Also, having the Sheith tag be barren of anything for a while other than spam. The whole thing is just awful.

And going through that whole bs for three years? I obviously do feel like complete shit especially after getting the most awful ending to a series I’ve just wasted three years for. Like! Yeah. I ship Sheith. Whatever. I never even thought that ship would ever be canon, but seriously. Watching the interactions of those two in season 8 was just sad. Even though I know now the ship isn’t canon, it just feels like a waste to watch them interact for seven whole seasons just to see them drift apart. Like, why didn’t they tie their relationship properly? It’s the last season after all, so why make them treat each other like they’re strangers in the end?

If they want to make their relationship more brotherly, why not give them one last confirmation that they are important to each other instead of them ignoring each other for the rest of the season? That’s kind of insulting to be honest especially with the epilogue where Shiro got married to random dude #568097. Like, why isn’t Keith shown properly in Shiro’s wedding? Aren’t they close? Shouldn’t Keith be shown to us instead of be blocked by Shiro to show that he is the closest friend to Him that we get to see his face in Shiro’s wedding?

I thought they were friends. I guess the whole “they will now get even closer” was just a scrap idea and in the end they just became fellow associates after all that.

And how they treat Shiro in this. I hate it so fucking much. You know? After what they did with Shiro in this season. I want him to be a Paladin again. I hate how he’s put to the side and in the sidelines for the rest of the season. Why isn’t he in the frontlines? Why haven’t we see him use his arm again? It just felt like he has outlived his use as a character and that makes me really, really, really upset. Like. He is one of my favorite characters along with Keith and he’s put to the side like that. I’m upset about that. Especially when He should’ve been hanging out with Keith and the rest of the team.

Yeah. I’m so fucking salty about that.

And about Allura and Lance.

I was upset about that, too.

I honestly didn’t think Allura would die. So, when they decided to kill her off I was actually kind of mad. I don’t know. I just find that part out of no where. And I thought Lance and her could end up together instead. They did tease them from the very beginning, so, I thought it’d end well. Also, Allura’s other iterations of her didn’t die, so this caught me off guard. And that part where she gave into the darkness?! Like! Why?!

And what they did to Lotor?! I am fucking pissed! Thought they’re gonna do something with him, you know?! But, in the end, he really died and he just show up as a hallucination, then a flashback and then he ended up as a deformed corpse. Beautiful. You know? I had so much hope for his character! People say he was going to have a redemption arc like Zuko and yeah, I do love the idea. But, I also love to see what kind of Villain he’d be since his other version of himself is always a villain. Like, Loki for example. Or Azula. But no. He just died.

And Lance? I did like seeing him show his vulnerable self, but making him suffer like that is just awful. Especially with the epilogue making him be a farmer....? I thought he wanted to be a fighter pilot?! But, I guess that’s fine! Because we only always have to fill in the gaps we always get in the whole series.Like with Keith almost killing himself by crashing into a barrier and nobody knows about it! >_>

I’m just really pissed. Also. This whole fandom pisses me off. Like. Antis act like they are relevant when really. They’re just whiny peices of shit who thinks they’re in the right when really, they’re part of the fucking problem.

Then there’s shippers. Always fighting over which ship is canon or whatever the hell. But really, it doesn’t fucking matter. So, they’re also part of the problem.

Then there are people who accepts everything that is given to them and gets angry when the majority of people doesn’t like what they are given, because what is given to them is honest to god fucking crap.

And then there are people who gets angry for not getting canon ship confirmation and hiding said anger behind false morale. Like gay rights.

I’m looking at Klance by the way.

When season 7 happened, I’ve seen comments like:

“Hmmm, Maybe Shiro is going to show Lance his bisexuality, so that’s why they gave us Shiro’s Sexuality!”

“Dear staff, I believe you should make Klance canon, because they are the most plausible to be good rep.”

“How dear you kill Adam! He should have lived so Shiro and him can get married!”

So yeah. I am so sick of this whole fandom. And to be honest with you, The Sheith side with the saltiness being blocked is like heaven sometimes. But, when I see salt get seeped into the tags. I just seethe because of what is said.

I agree. The Sheith side isn’t innocent either. And they’ve definitely have become just as angry as the rest of the fandom is. But. At least it’s not completely awful.

Sure, I’m completely aware that it feels like we’re more biased towards Keith and I agree it’s biased and wish this fandom can focus on Shiro in the same way, but being as angry and as salty as I am right now in this post, it’s not helping.

And now. I’m going to rip on DreamWorks. Since season 7 happened. I feel like they delayed season 8 just to add in on a haphazardly made epilogue and some cuts in it. Since we were promised an open ending, what we got was obviously not an open ending. And it’s an ending that is just as, if not most unsatisfactory, most disappointing and incredibly anger inducing ending that is reminiscent of Naruto Shippudden.

God, I am still angry about that one. So, yeah. I do believe we were supposed to have a better version of season 8, but in the end, what we got is an awful version of the season that was delayed out of fear. And that pisses me off, because, as a student screenwriter, looking at all of this as a whole makes me angry.

So, from what I got from this is, screenwriters can’t write freely and had to fight to get the acceptance to write certain things. And so, the screenwriters are constantly uncertain if they’re allowed to write things in so, they had to put it to the side and try to write around what the higher ups want, but the screenwriters really do want to write in that idea so they had to fight tooth and nail to get the approval, but if they fail they have to scrap the idea.

But, then. Season 7 happened.

And now that the idea of Shiro being gay, the higher ups didn’t want to get chewed out again, so, they went and made Shiro marry some random guy and call it a day. Like, wow. That is the laziest thing I’ve ever seen. It’s not 2013 anymore. Sure, there are homophobes and all that, but still. Making LGBT people accept the scraps like they’ve always have is just sad. Especially in 2018- 2019 when it’s the intention of going after the Woke brownie points with the LGBT after the success of Bubbleine and Rupphire, too. All of it makes me so god damn angry.

Three Fucking Years of this shit. I want to be done. But I still love Sheith, so... until I find something better. I’m still here.

But I guess, I want this whole fandom to know this from me.

Fuck all of you.

#voltron #sheith #discourse #Salty #to the maximum #klance #VLD

[applecherry108]

first of all hooooooooolyyyy shiitttt

FUCK tungle. it took like 30 tries to log in on desktop. admittedly, i was using the wrong password at first, BUT, even when i remembered the right one it kept giving me shit. This is what i get for being L337 i guess... -_-

anyways, im only on desktop so i can add a readmore to say:

i just,,,,,hate voltron. okay? It sucked. it fucking sucked. i watched the first season and it was like, okay yeah, this has potential. and then s2 was like, okay yeah not as good but maybe s3 will pick up...

s3 didn’t pick up. it was just one long death spiral by the same idiots who fucked up the atla sequel. i hate their writing, i hate their story plots, i hate how they butcher any good ideas they have, and i especially hate their inability to have good character AND plot development happen at the same time.

I got swept up in storm of klance and that’s about it. i have soft spots for other ships but at the end of the day i don’t care. i just don.t fucking,,, care???

the fandom is a mess, the crew was a mess, everything was a fucking mess from the get go.

Like who tf is this show written for?? it has to be for like, 8-10 year olds. It has to be. Everything is just so....stupid. Nothing is ever properly explained, motivations never really given, everyone is just a 2 dimensional cardboard cutout of a trope. And that pisses me off so much bc like??? other shows aimed at young kids can still have great world building. they can have good world building and characters and overall story and still be cheesy and a lil dumb. cheesy and a lil dumb is completely fine!! but voltron is just so...godammn... BORING!! it’s like i WANT to like the characters but its just so goddamn hard when everybody is so fucking flat. by all rights, i should want to marry allura. shes everything i loved when i was little, from her color pallet to her princesshood to her white fucking hair!! i should LOVE allura but i don’t!! i kind of hate her. why?? i don’t know!! shes so...boring! and flat! and fucking PASSIVE! everything in this show lands so fucking flat holy shit.

pidge at matts “grave”? yikes, that was second hand hard to watch for like.... “oooh this is so serious!” but the buildup wasnt there...it was kind of funny tbh... and HELLA awkward...

don’t get me started on lance and hunk. bolin was my favorite look character for the first few episodes and then he got knocked to Comic Relief and had maybe two (2) importantish moments. he/they may be part of the main cast but they’re not main characters. they feel like background props to the Actual Main characters.

which brings me to keith.

FUCK keith.

that’s my reaction after every! new! season!! is just,, FUCK keith. god the show functioned SO WELL without him. he’s just so...idk. i also don’t care. what was his character arc anyway? it SHOULD have been about learning to love and trust others but we only get that in lip service and speed run character development (i hate the quantum abyss...so much... like yeah, who cares about SHOWING our characters mature, let’s just tell that it happened in afucking montage.) if keith were a properly developed character he shouldve remained PASSIONATE and idk, run support?? that boy SHOULD have piloted red, end of story. period. keith doesn’t need to lead he needs to learn to TRUST others and that insludes trusting other WITH HIS LIFE. i won’t rant about how we should have had black paladin lance, but keith should have never ever been black paladin. even after he “matures” he still sucks at. he’s this awful,,little,, Shiro 2.0. and I hate it. i ahte it and i hate shiro just a little bit. even though he was arguably the most likeable character, he shouldve stayed dead. or missing. or whatever. he didn’t need to come back and they didnt need to make keith a little offbrand clone of him. i ESPECIALLY hate that they aged keith up 2 years for no goddamn reason other than to make him the Adult (tm). keith’s dedication to others was gre4at, but it should have, and im failing for this word here so forgive me, climaxed? cresscendo’d? whatever. /resulted/ in him playing support. not leader. lone wolf keith doesn’t need how to lead his pack, he needed to learn to HELP his pack. to be a TEAM PLAYER. he didn’t want the responsibility of leading bc guess what?? some people hate leading!! there’s nothing wrong with wanting to be support! keith’s entire arc is a huge mess of missed opportunities and a grand illustration that he is lm’s and jds’ favorite, just like fucking mako.

i won’t rant about mako, but just know i fucking hate him and the special treatment he gets, and good LORD does keith take over mako. keith isn’t space zuko he’s space mako and it fucking SHOWS.

okay, i’m losing steam here, but like.... so apple, why tf where u voltron 24/7 if you hated it so much? because homestuck was over and i needed a new hyperfixation. and i really had to force it for vld tbh. and at the end of the day, it wasn’t so much about the show itself as the potential of klance (or sheith, up until s3). between the interviews, the coding, the fucking EVERYTHING--it really felt like it could be canon. i knew in my heart it was queer baiting but i had HOPE dammit. hope that this could be killer representation, hope that these characters would delvelopment into something incredible. again, there was so much POTENTIAL. and all of it was wasted. everything really came to a head during the fucking game show episode. it was like lm and lds giving everyone who likes lance the middle finger, really driving home that “no no, he IS just stupid. he’s the comic releif. there’s nothing deeper about him and no one will stand up for him bc they all think of him as such.” and that just....broke my heart. we were so...SO close to lance actually mattering but nope! bolin’d again! and what was his purpose in s8? why to be an accessory to allura of course!

i’ve seen a lot of people really divorce themselves from canon and live solely for fanon, esp fanon klance but like.... i can’t. i just can’t. it’s so fucking hard to work with these cardboard characters. you can only draw so much depth onto them, you know? until the very last moments they had potential, but then it all got snuffed out. but who cares about canon? why bother with it? because! we don’t have a solid consistent fanon version of them! no one sat down and delivered the ten commandments of “here’s what we agree k and l are actually like” it’s stupid and it sucks because everyone has their own little differences and its so so tiring to basically be interacting with minutely different ocs all the goddamn time. canon matters bc it gives everyone the same base to work with. like a cooking showing with the same basket ingredients, but now it’s like.... ya’ll don’t wanna use the mandatory ingredients (and why would you? those canon ingredients are like, a century egg and spoiled sardines, they’re awful.)

okay, and im at work and just came back to this and dont remember my train of thought so like... what really threw all this into sharp clarity was the recent steven universe episodes. they were so...GOOD. so fucking good. so much plot and foreshadowing coming to a head. it was such a wonderfully satisfying payoff that it made me remember what a GOOD show is like, how vld is so very very /bad/. the difference is fucking striking. where one is an intricately woven tale with excellent character development and clear story AND character arcs, that can progress AT THE SAME TIME, one is a hacked together flaming dumpster firing that constantly falls flat and doesn’t know where its going or why. and it s so BORING! like fight scenes can be amazing! they can be well coreographed and tense! and we as the audience can be anxious about the outcome! and vld just wasn’t that! it was boring repetetive action in the least exciting way. and where su set up a lot of potential, holy shit they DELIVERED on that potential. not just for rep, but for characters! for story! for plain ol simple character interactions! and then, again, two dimensional cardboard cutouts.

and now with this difference in good vs bad show so very clearly highlighted for me, i just.... i can’t, anymore, with vld. it sucks. it sucked and i can’t pretend or force a fixation with it that just isn’t there, and truthfully, probably never was. maybe that’s why i’ve been struggling to finish my fic, struggling ever since i posted the last chapter, ever since s7, which, again, that game show was really the nail in the coffin as far as holding onto any hope that this tire fire would ever pick up. like a physically feel ill trying to finishing this stupid fic bc i don’t care so hard. i don’t care and i just... really want to be over it. im sick of seeing it everywhere, im sick of the drama, of the Discourse. like all fandoms have their issues, but hold fuck does vld fandom have a massive Purity problem. like, god, let people ship whatever. who cares. die mad about it.

like homestuck, idk if i’ll ever fully ween myself off vld but i want to move on. i want to enjoy Other Things without having this lackluster weight on my shoulders. and more than anything, i want to stop feeling like im obligated to like the same shit as i did two years ago, or last year, or hell, last week! feel free to unfollow, but yeah i just.... really needed to let this out in a proper post and not in the misc tags somewhere.

#behold my loathe letter to vld #if you actually enjoyed the show and don't wanna read all my bitching then like...probably pass this post up lmao #apple talks #to the tune of spam

[liberatingflame]

1-169, asshole

lol i love you

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

like 6′ would be perfect

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

uh. dragon? dragon.

3: Do you have a favorite clothing style?

anything that you look at and you can’t decide if it’s jock or goth

4: What was your favorite video game growing up?

spyro was the only series i was allowed to play and i lived for it

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:

whatever i’m hyperfixated on that month, sleep, and ciaran

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

warning: nearly pure taurus energy, scorpio ascending

7: What is your opinion on alpacas?

they’re fluffy and better than llamas

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

melancholic is what i just got, but it switches between that and sanguine all the time

9: Are you ticklish?

yes. 

10: Are you allergic to anything?

am i not allergic to anything?

11: What’s your sexuality?

pan

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

cocoa or tea, just never coffee

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

cat

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?

merperson hands fucking down

15: Do you have a favorite Youtuber?

bazza or muselk probably

16: How tall are you?

5′6ish

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

uh. well. you see. it’s jay.

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

lmao no

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

yes, i do

20: Do you like space or the ocean more?

i’m a “look at those stars” kind of person, but my room growing up was painted like it was underwater, so. both.

21: Are you religious?

lmao

22: Pet peeves?

harley licking my things

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?

i’d rather be diurnal because, uh, functioning human. i am nocturnal though.

24: Favorite constellation?

dickbutt

25: Favorite star?

me

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?

i don’t like dolls, but those are the cutest

27: Any phobias or fears?

sure

28: Do you think global warming is real?

look outside right now and tell me it’s not

29: Do you believe in reincarnation?

yeah, there have been enough instances of actual cases that it’s pretty hard for me to personally deny, so

30: Favorite movie?

it cycles, i still love heathers tho

31: Do you get scared easily?

kind of? not really? 

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?

not counting fish and including harley, 7

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

valid to eat fingers

34: What is a color that calms you?

blue and certain shades of red

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

i’m really liking washington?? i’d like to travel anywhere

36: Where were you born?

sanford, florida. hrugh.

37: What is your eye color?

blue-green

38: Introvert or extrovert?

extroverted introvert? 

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

it gets spooky sometimes, but like. not on a basic level for sure.

40: Hugs or kisses?

depends

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

ngl, my sisters

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

everyone i love? uh

43: Any piercings you want?

re-pierce my cartilage and get a few more lobe piercings and just like stab me and put something in it and i’ll love it

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

yes.

45: Do you smoke or have you ever done so?

i’ve smoked weed, but like. eh. cigarettes are gross, they smell and feel and taste awful.

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!

i don’t have a crush on anyone lol

47: What is a sound you really hate?

ticking

48: A sound you really love?

trains really late at night. 

49: Can you do a backflip?

no

50: Can you do the splits?

the splits? no

51: Favorite actor and/or actress?

winona ryder

52: Favorite movie?

uh h hh h  i already answered this

53: How are you feeling right now?

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

54: What color would you like your hair to be right now?

i just dyed it but i really want it to be red again. it was like a sunset red for a while during the fading process and i’d kill for that all the time.

55: When did you feel happiest?

when a cat touched me with her tiny feet

56: Something that calms you down?

cats and their tiny feet

57: Have any mental disorders? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

58: What does your URL mean?

it’s based on something i said when i was not myself. i said i’d died before and i’d do it again. so i’m functionally immortal.

59: What three words describe you the most?

really fucking tired

60: Do you believe in evolution?

it’s. science.

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

a lot. i’m not above doing things for petty reasons.

62: What makes you follow a blog?

being interested in what they post??

63: Favorite kind of person:

me

64: Favorite animal(s):

cats, snakes, birds

65: Name three of your favorite blogs.

@heathersadapt​, @heatherspoisson​, @dirtyheathersconfessions​

66: Favorite emoticon:

:}€

67: Favorite meme:

horse memes. like. valid to eat fingers.

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

infp

69: What is your star sign:

taurus

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?

lmao no

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?

my work clothes or my pajamas

72: Post a selfie or two?

no

73: Do you have platform shoes?

GOD I WISH

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

i’m the bird friend

75: Can you do a front flip?

no

76: Do you like birds?

i love birds

77: Do you like to swim?

of course i do

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun to you?

swimming

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

do you want to see my blacklist or something

80: Some thing you wish did exist:

fire magic. i wish fire magic were real.

81: Piercings you have?

just ears at the moment, cartilage closed up lmao

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

sleeping, eating ice cream, listening to music. pick from my faves.

83: Favorite person to talk to:

ciaran??

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

god it sucks here

85: How many followers do you have?

222 and only 111 of them are spam

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

in middle school, which was the last time i tried, i ran a mile in 6 minutes and 46 seconds

87: Do your socks always match?

fuck no that’s hard

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

yes

89: What are your birthstones?

diamond? stones?

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

a cockatoo probably

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

i don’t fucking know

92: A store you hate?

walmart and the ones that smell bad in the mall

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

many, but i hate coffee so i drink none

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

fly, i don’t want to know what’s going through anyone else’s mind

95: Do you like to wear camo?

no. i did in elementary school.

96: Winter or summer?

winter

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

long enough to cross the bridge in spirited away

98: Least favorite person?

it’s all family all the way

99: Someone you look up to:

myself

100: A store you love?

target, lush

101: Favorite type of shoes

boots!! boots!!!! i also like sneakers

102: Where do you live?

outside of seattle

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

no i like meat

104: What is your favorite mineral or gem?

uhhhh opals are the most diverse and coolest?

105: Do you drink milk?

ye

106: Do you like bugs?

ye

107: Do you like spiders?

ye

108: Something you get paranoid about?

hhhh

109: Can you draw:

yes, but is it good? absolutely not

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

this one

111: A question you hate being asked?

this one

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

i lived in florida. yes. 

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

i love them

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

cloudy, i moved to washington for a reason

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now:

i’m comfortable right now actually

116: Favorite cloud type:

the kind in the sky

117: What color do you wish the sky was?

i wish i caught the sunset today

118: Do you have freckles?

no :(

119: Favorite thing about a person:

varies person to person

120: Fruits or vegetables?

i’m allergic to most fruits i like, but i like them more than vegetables anyways, so.

121: Something you want to do right now:

sleep or play bbs

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

they’re both gorgeous, fuck off

123: Sweet or sour foods?

depends on the mood

124: Bright or dim lights?

dim, mostly

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?

me, i believe in me

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

tumblr

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

friends

128: What do you think about the least?

i don’t think about it, i don’t know

129: What would you want written on your tombstone?

believe it

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

i have a list

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

me

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

not normally, no

133: Computer or TV?

computer

134: Do you like roller coasters?

yes

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

only sometimes

136: Are your ears lobed or attached

attached

137: Do you believe in karma?

no, bad people don’t always get what’s coming to them and it sucks

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

like 5? 

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

hate nicknames

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

nah

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

yeah, she sucked

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence to others?

it depends on the person???? i’m both

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

both are good!

144: What makes you angry

family

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

none, i can’t speak

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

yes

147: Are you androgynous?

god i wish, my boobs are too big

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

my hair is so fucking fluffy

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

i don’t have one

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

ciaran, i’m good.

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

BT: before trump

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

no, but i’m on it all the time.

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have one.]

i met my partner in being broke in high school

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

no

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

ya

156: What embarrasses you?

i just told ciaran i wore camo in elementary school and that’s embarrassing

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

anxiety

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

idk i don’t keep track

159: How many people are you following?

451

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?

14199

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?

23

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

4190

163: Last time you cried and why:

i dont remember

164: Do you have long or short hair?

mid length

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

to my butt

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religon?

i was raised roman catholic by overbearing adults with racist views so im not friends w religion anymore

167: Do you really care how the universe and world was created?

no

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

sometimes

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds? 

no

#lunatroph

[majorasnightmare]

personal

hate how im losing speech daily, hate how my brain is constantly short circuiting once im home from work to the extent that i cant even talk to my partner at all, hate how ive been in an extended mental breakdown for months now, hate that my living situation excaberates all of my worst symptoms of all my neurodivergencies, hate hate hate that instead of getting better everything just gets worse

i go weeks on end without any form of stress relief while everything gets exponentially worse, my brain is so fried i cant even watch tv anymore because the level of under stimulation physically hurts, and i no longer have the mental strength to maintain my focus on anything. if theres a show on or a sudden sound or sudden movement, my brain blue screens and im unable to do anything else

im solely responsible financially for three cats i didnt ask for (even if i love them to pieces) and because of that none of them have been to the vet or gotten fixed, which means the two females have to be seperated from our male, which means they sleep in mine and my partners room. and one of them wakes me up every two hours on the dot trying to tip over my partners 50 inch flatscreen he got as a gift from a now disowned relative that we cant afford to replace. i havent slept longer than 3 hours at a time for months plural

my body is breaking down on me at a pace i cant recover from with constant shooting leg pains and constant arm and shoulder pain that makes it difficult for me to move. on top of that 3 weeks ago i went for an emergency dentist visit for tooth pain and i have to somehow schedule and pay for two removals, two subsequent bone grafts and implants, and four crowns. and im trying to schedule more xrays but the office never calls me back even when they say they will so i end up waiting weeks to have enough free time to actually call them because of my work schedule

im constantly hysterical, im constantly exhausted, im constantly in pain, im constantly sleep deprived, and my workload increases exponentially. my partners mother expects the two of us to end a summer infestation without using bug spray or calling in exterminators. she expects us to tear the whole house apart cleaning with broken worn down bodies and then keep going to work for 8 hour shifts in jobs without air conditioning in 90 degree weather surrounded by asphalt, where we are constantly on our feet, where her job is mostly deskwork in an air conditioned office with occasional bouts of admittedly back breaking cleaning.

im no longer capable of relieving my own stress by any coping method i have available. it feels like my brain is rotting in my skull. i cant focus on anything. the amount of effort its taking to write this post is insane. everything is tv static and misery and im so suicidal im genuinely alarmed. im so miserable and so relief deprived that i cant bring myself to find any reason to continue existing in this torture. i cant even get any relief from my partner anymore.

any attempt at stress relief that i dont have to manage or be responsible for is sabotaged by my hysteria and anxiety, further denying me any chance to recover emotionally and worsening my emotional state.

im breaking down daily. im losing my ability to formulate sentences and coherent thoughts daily. im losing my ability to leave the bed daily. im only able to eat one meal a day. i havent been able to shower for months because my body is so run down that i cant go through the sensory load of standing in my narrow cramped tub while scratchy clingy shower curtains stick to me, just to force myself to scrub my body and wash my hair, only for the experience of washing my hair to be so nightmarishly bad it causes another breakdown and i go into overload. ive had to rely on wet washcloths, wet wipes, dry shampoo and deodorant for so long im scared itll make me sick, but im physically incapable of standing in a shower and going through that, even if someone else does it for me. the sensations inherent to showering are so god awful that i cant power through it. im scared its gonna make me sick and my only saving grace is that its difficult for my body to sweat in high heat, and while it makes me more prone to heat stroke, it keeps me from getting too dirty and gross

my parthers mother agreed to foster sugar gliders, who are very sensitive to cold temperatures, and so the whole apartment is forbidden from using the ac. in aforementioned asphalt surrounded 90 degree weather. our window doesnt have a screen, so because we keep the two cats in our room we cant open the window. we cant keep our door open because the cats have to be seperated. our room is consistently the hottest room in the house, with differences in temp being 10+ degrees between our room and the living room directly outside it

i cant talk to anyone. i dont have the energy to form sentences or maintain a conversation. im a ghost in every group chat im in. i cant string words together enough to even indulge my special interests or hyperfixations. i cant focus on them enough to enjoy them. i cant focus on my games or my own thoughts. i cant string my thoughts together enough to participate in any of my creative outlets. all my energy is devoted towards work and then to cleaning, and i am a hollow scraped out shell of a person for it. the one thing in this world that has deep comforting spiritual and philisophical importance to me, food and the making and sharing of it, has been reduced to barely registering to my body. it tastes like ash and dust to me now and i dont even want to eat it anymore.

ive lost everything that keeps me going while my living situation tries its damnedest to wring every last drop of energy out of me

my life is a living hell and i just want it to stop

#tw for a lot of mental illness stuff #lots of potentially triggering stuff in here #im so brain fried rn i cant figure out how to tag things properly #im sorry