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#god I can't move on with my transition while I'm still depressed and now THIS
mhaccunoval · 4 months
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beloveddddd [gently cups your face in my hands] tell me about CIFL <3
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HI BELOVED <333
your ticket of admission is a kiss on the forehead <3 as i try to remember what developments have been made since i last talked about it on here...
mmm!!! one that's been haunting me lately (i probably won't actually get around to writing it so i'll share it here): i've been thinking about. well it's an intersection of inspiration from mawce by everybody's worried about owen and a troubled mind by noah kahan but. 22/23 year old maggie (pre-transition donny) going to eli (pre-transition ellie)'s college town— based on the a troubled mind lyrics 'i took a bus out to the city where you live / eaves dropped on strangers' conversations with their kids / in hopes that maybe they'd say something relevant / to ease my worried head'— while in a Weird Headspace (even a manic episode, but more on That later). doesn't get a whole hell of a lot out of it, other than more of The Weird Headspace, especially if (he) sees someone who looks vaguely like eli and/or gets spooked by any deep water around (another point to be elaborated). while somewhat Dissociated in the headspace, makes (his) way down to boston, then to new york, has a mini break in a new york hotel room including shaving (his) head. DOES, then, get home safely and shows up at the hurleys' door— the specificity of new york being important because the shaving of the head leads to (his) hat era and the hat (he) got first says NY on it. marian, god bless her, is a bit shocked at first but. she loves (him) like her own so she fixes the rough/uneven patches of hair, makes sure (he's) well-fed/comfortable, defends (him) when Joseph gets a bit prickly about the whole situation (I HAD ACTUAL DIALOGUE BUT I FORGOR; anyway, i'll elaborate on the prickle AS WELL). lets M— who does want to temporarily go by M since part of the break is gender shit— vent where (he) needs to. and. the part i'm gnawing on the most is, in the morning M's like 'hi annie...' and marian's like 'hi peach :)' because!!! dat baby's a fuzzy little peach right now!!! and. and. joseph, coming to made Some acceptance with the situation, puts a ballcap of his on M's head, probably a chicago cubs cap or something...
ELABORATION 1.) usage of 'manic episode' as i always do, i use the phrasing with careful consideration just because. i know it's not verbage to just throw around. and i use it apprehensively here just because i STILL have not determined whether donny is more bipolar or BPD, but i AM leaning BPD more so. probably in part because of pieces of him that are so very me. but i am also NOT ruling out the possibility just because in some scenes in my head, i can see things that could be a manic or could be a depressive episode. POINT BEING I'M STILL DOING MY RESEARCH AND I'M DOING MY RESEARCH AT ALL, I SWEAR.
ELABORATION 2.) fear of deep water something i really need to do is note all the music inspired lore, particularly the noah kahan inspired stuff. ANYHOW. noah's song fear of water inspired the lore that donny's scared of deep dark water, like any dark parts of lake michigan and for sure the ocean. the other side of the coin (because of course it's a coin) being that ellie was a swimmer in middle school / high school after getting over her own fear of water (inspired by 'you used to be scared of the water / you're safe by the side of your father' from glue myself shut). –– E2a.) naturally, there's a scene in my head related to all of this. in The Awkward Period after ellie moves back— another point for elaboration— what really ends the tension, besides hashing it out, is ellie making him face that fear of the water. not quite fear immersion with, like, going into the depths of the ocean, but taking a dunk in the lake, even against donny's better judgment. and grumbling about it just because it doesn't FULLY reduce the anxiety (just staves it) but he also can't fully complain because if following her word means he's regained some of ellie's trust and bond, then by god he'll do it
ELABORATION 3.) joseph prickliness it prickles me to forget the dialogue i had BUT the main subtext behind it is. prior to donny's transition, he's seen like a daughter to both of the hurley parents, so in some part joseph's always prickly about that, not because he doesn't Want a daughter but because he doesn't know how to have one (not that he knows much about having a son or a kid in general, between him & annie having ellie young-er AND his personality). and it's something he admits to ellie after She's transitioned, saying that he Still doesn't know how to have a daughter. BUT at least he's made an effort in both cases and continues to make an effort for his Blood daughter
ELABORATION 4.) The Awkward Period the awkward period is ALSO music inspired but it's more a conglomerate than anything. like the major components are two song inspired scenes i'll explain in a second but. the general notion with The Awkward Period is that it's a span of a couple months after ellie gets back where things are, well, Awkward. she's trying to handle her grief and readjust to being back home (after four years in vermont, four years in philadelphia) with whatever weird grudge she doesn't understand being held by donny as a cherry on top. and donny's still sifting through said grudge, still compartmentalizing his anger. so it's a lot of tension filled stares and cutting words for a minute –– E4a.) the major component is the Funeral stuff inspired by orange juice... which is particularly the first/last verse with the placing of the setting as a party. in my head it's the wake, everyone choosing to drown their sorrows are drinking, cue joseph & ellie in the kitchen, with donny walking in; the tension is thick as donny and ellie look at each other, and ellie, out of sheer politeness, wants to suggest that there's stuff to mix a drink with. only for joseph to interject that there's orange juice in the fridge for non-alcoholic drinking, which confuses ellie slightly but only because she doesn't know that donny's the lyric of 'and i haven't drank in six months / on the dot'. which does irk donny a bit more in stewing since that means his sobriety is yet Another piece of information that's been withheld from her / that she doesn't know and therefore another piece of him that she hasn't known –– E4b.) the other major component is the hashing out scene. which also has some orange juice inspiration but is mainly homesick (and even a hint of new perspective)... so Given homesick, it's set like two months after the funeral, donny coming over to the hurley (now just joseph's) residence to Try to make some amends, at least lure ellie out to talk some, in the VERY least go on a walk. tries to talk a bit, though superficially, about things she's missed while away, but that sours quickly. sours quickly because it easily falters into orange juice's talking of waiting so long for a homecoming that there wasn't a thought to ask where they had gone (but now asking Why they had gone). and more importantly into the fact of '[doesn't ellie] find it strange that [she] just went ahead and carried on? ... the last time [donny] drank [he] was face down passed out there in [her parents'] yard / are [they] all just crows to [her] now? / are [they] all just pulling [her] down?' WHICH. is where it turns into a hashing out because ellie bites back with the fact that her heart and her soul, more importantly her life, have changed— even the city had changed, but Somehow donny had not. and all of this continues the awkwardness and tension since now they've rubbed salt into each other's wounds, as much as they needed to hear what the other had to say (as general fact And for communication's sake)
because of being on my orange juice insanity, i'm thinking about 'you didn't put those bones in the ground' in relation to how it's worked into the story. and i forgot about 'now i'm third in the line-up to your lord and your savior'... BUT I'VE ALREADY SAID TOO MUCH IN ONE SITTING AS IS (and i haven't even touched other parts of the stick season album, like northern attitude and all my love, or anything else noah-turned-inspiration)... but do tell me if you want more insanity <3 i am willing and able to offer <3
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myretransitiondiary · 4 months
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Morning gaming sesh of call of duty. Rudegrrl2667 on twitch if y'all are interested haha. Anyway. I'm posting a pic rn because I have like... *Knocks on wood* perfect skin RN and I have no idea why. I haven't been avoiding the foods I'm allergic too (turns out I'm mildly allergic to wheat, corn, beef and whey I found out super recently). I've been going to doc appointments because very often I get small hive-like occurrences around my nose and also on my back that last for weeks and sometimes even months.
I wish I knew how to get rid of the hives or whatever they are for good but unfortunately they are unpredictable and seem to have no rhyme or reason no matter what I've been eating or not eating (I've tried cutting foods out and also not, and still it's unpredictable). But today is a happy day because they aren't around! First time in months. Interestingly, my father also has issues with his skin and rashes on his face occasionally. Anyway, my skin is doing crazy good rn and I have no clue why lol.
Gratitude is important. I have so much to be thankful for in life. I've experienced a lot of bad in my life, yes. But also so, so much good. I'm so proud to come from the family I come from. I'm so proud of all of them and I feel proud to carry the same last name. I want to start accomplishing things. My family are doers. I need to start doing.
I got a seasonal position at Nordstrom at the perfume counter, it's a short term gig but it's kind of adorable. Looking forward to having something to do and making some money in quite a bougie atmosphere tbh haha.
I have to admit, I struggle with holding down jobs. I don't get fired, but I have moved jobs many... Many times. I have had bouts of panic and depression that pop up without warning that makes me want to give up which has lost me my fair share of amazing job opportunities. The knowledge of this is a little painful. I just want to do well and feel successful in my life and it seems like that is the one thing I cannot seem to achieve yet. It's not like going on disability is actually an option either, I've thought about it from time to time. It's just not enough money to live off of ultimately. Idk. It's definitely the biggest hurtle in my life, or has been.
My partner has been kind enough to support me while I've been out of work this time. I don't know what I would do without her honestly in so many ways. She shows me so much love and support, I often hope that I am doing enough for her in return. My partner is a newly transitioning transgender female (mtf). I love her and support her journey fully. I didn't regret transitioning the first time myself. Being Joey was an extremely important part of my journey to becoming who I am today.
Everyone is allowed to regret transitioning if they want to. I'm not saying you can't do that or feel that way. I just.... Don't believe in encouraging that way of thinking. If I had a child who ended up transitioning, I would want them to know that they should love themselves no matter what their human bodies look or sound like. Just because I don't look or sound how I would have if I hadn't transitioned to be a man, doesn't mean I'm not beautiful just the way I am now. I just wish we all wanted to love ourselves and wanted others to do the same no matter what.
God. Sometimes I wish I could give my partner advice when it comes to the next two years of transition for her.... I would tell her to stop waiting to live. Stop... Waiting to "arrive" at the perfect you. Let transition happen to you while you're living your life fearlessly. We are never done "cooking" as I like to say. So just go out and live like no one is watching 😭♥️
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butchmartyr · 10 months
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Hi! I'm getting married (soonish, we haven't set a date yet) to a transfemme who is early in their transition. I met them when they were 18 and j a depressed anxious socially awkward nerd and over the past like ~year I've watched them blossom into themself (it's magical). But as a tme person sometimes i feel like I'm not fit to be the main person supporting them during this journey, bc they don't have any irl tgirl/transfem friends.
Do you have any suggestions? I'm always trying to learn more about transmisogyny. I took them to get an affirming haircut by a woman I met on Lex, I help with makeup. I've been trying to help them make friends bc they still do have like, a diagnosed social phobia lol. I think it'd be good if I WASNT the main support for this stuff in many ways. And they are like 10x as confident now that they present more authentically, but it's a process. And idk. I know them rly well and love them a lot but I worry sometimes that I'm somehow hurting them or doing the wrong thing.
I know I can't do everything for them (codependency lol) but I want to be the best partner I can be. I'm always asking what they want but sometimes it's like, j figuring out as we go bc it's all new. So what would YOU want from a tme partner ig? How do you assume I could be helpful, better, etc?
Feel free not to respond if this is too much. I don't mean to be putting too much on you. I'm just trying to treat my fiance better and better each day (failing sometimes).
hello and congrats!!! first off this is so touching and aaaa. my god. anyway.
it sounds like you’re really on the right track for sure :) friends are extremely important especially for ppl in minority groups that make socializing harder, so trying to help to her get out of her shell and get to know other people is certainly a great idea; both because she deserves having something of a social group, and because like you say, trans friends can be really critical. i can’t speak with authority since I don’t know you & your situation, but it could definitely help with supporting her and whatnot; i value my transfem friends irl a lot and they’re wonderful with buoying my transition. im not sure id say you’re ‘not fit’ for it unless you dont want to be, since there’s a lot of ways to support and be there for someone’s transition. my femme is tme and she has been wonderful with my transition and helping me explore different gender stuff by helping me with womens clothes, sometimes a little makeup, and her support when im mixing things up with my presentation. she’s happy to change and play with her vocab too; when i realized i like being called pretty from time to time now she works it into when she’s teasing me or being sweet, things like that.
as far as other things id want to see in a tme partner, the willingness to look at transmisogyny and learn about it and work it over is pretty important to me; but it sounds like you’re already working on this, so just keep your mind open with a clear heart. if you make a mistake, trust that you can learn from it and move on. id also say to let her be the one to define and speak about her transition and her past as well, and not to get tripped up on gender too much; i had an ex who was a lesbian and hated hearing me talk about my past as a boy. was very unfortunate. so keep an open mind and if you don’t understand something or you’d like to understand more, try not to be too afraid to ask; I can’t speak for her exactly, but I can say i really don’t mind getting asked about gender stuff or transmisogyny since it shows that someone cares and also gives me a chance to make sure we’re on the same page. and also, while this may be a little risqué, so long as she’s not ace or something id think about making sure you touch and love on her body holistically. a lot of trans women don’t get touched like how cis and other women do, so don’t be afraid to get a little handsy if she doesn’t mind it. having our bodies be actively wanted (touching sides, thighs, etc) can be really very wonderful when we’re taught that we’re repulsive in every way that matters.
so tl;dr: getting her more friends is a great idea for a milieu of reasons! don’t walk on eggshells with transmisogyny too much, just keep an open mind and maybe think about biases sometimes but don’t let it get to your beat and beat you up over it. but I think your concern sounds like it might be a sign that you care and are gonna try, and if that’s the case then approach any issues that come up from an angle of love and i think it should buff out. anyone wanna chime in in the replies?
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bloomadoom · 10 months
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Were any other trans lesbians that waited a long time to come out as trans on some sort of bad ninja-think about marriage, cause I remember thinking OK gay marriage isn't legal (Let Gay People Get Married!) but what if I marry a woman and then transition afterward what is the goverment gonna do about that? And then it was this barely hidden secret with all these glaringly obvious in retrospect things I said and did, and all these dumb simultaneous feelings like if I date a straight girl she'll leave when she finds out so I need to date a lesbian but I can't because I have a penis, like I have to trick someone either way until they like me enough to not care. Probably sounds cisphobic etc, but I'm just paranoid, myself as a teenager all I Love Dickgirls but imagining my cis lesbian wife waking up to my hairy face and having oh god i married a hideous penisman depression and dumping me on the side of the road somewhere. So I'm in school always wishing I had already come out and been living as a girl but unreasonably afraid of not passing and being in the pre-op because-i-said-so clown zone and convinced I'll end up alone and I'm like why is it impossible to approach this subject with anyone so I still have unfulfilled dreams of having a girl friend who can help me get all dolled up and go full stealth. Then one year and a half after they legalized gay marriage I was like I can't do this anymore I have to come out NOW literally while failing to get back together with my straight fiance who I was fighting with because she thought I was cheating on her for having female besties (The Lies) and the rest of my life sort of fell apart but whatever, and now I'm like half-passing and it's pretty alright, I still want to go max stealth but it's like too late I have already become infamous in multiple states. I should really just move somewhere it would be easy I have like no possessions
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princessofcurses · 3 years
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[2] Struggling Sweetly
Part 1
Pairing: Ryomen Sukuna x Fem!Reader & Gojo Satoru x Fem!Reader Preface: Part 2. You’re devastated after your darling has cheated on you but an old friend has come to cheer you up. Unfortunately, it's never that easy. content warning: out of character, college AU, infidelity, alcohol, angst, sexy time, size kink, cigarette smoking, toxic relationships, blood, depression Word Count: 6.2k If you like it, please leave a like and/or reblog ♡
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The next morning, you woke up with your cheek still squished to Satoru's chest and your leg draped over him. He was asleep and lightly snoring. You marveled at him: his soft and fair skin, his silky and messy hair, and oh god his toned body. The way you felt looking at him right now reminded you of the first time you met him and were captivated by him. It was your first year at Jujutsu High and Satoru was a third year. He was assigned to be your mentor and look out for you, the main reason being that the higher-ups had an eye on you, suspicious of your inexplicable strength. You were meeting in the courtyard and your impression as he walked towards you was that he was a giant; he's well over six feet! As you came to face each other, he had to look down to make eye contact with you which made you pout.
"Wow, Y/N! You're like a foot shorter than me."
The choppy laugh he let out annoyed you a bit and you stood there, staring at him in silence.
"Gojo Satoru. I'll be your mentor and guardian from now on!"
He reached out his hand for you to shake. You took his in yours and firmly gripped it, feeling his calluses and thinking this man works hard. His thumb lightly rubbed over the back of your hand and you quickly retracted yours, putting it back to your side, feeling a bit flustered.
"Gojo-san-"
"Call me Senpai."
You rolled your eyes, adding to your unamused expression while he snickered. You called him by the honorific with a bit of a hiss.
"Senpai, I don't need a guardian. I can take care of myself."
He shook his head and leaned forward to be at eye-level with you, putting his hands on your shoulders. A small vein on your forehead popped out from your irritation because of his patronizing behavior but then you caught a glimpse of his eyes above his pitch-black lenses. You had already known of the Six Eyes but they were even more beautiful and intense in person. They held the sparkling ocean, or maybe it's the sky, and thin clouds passed through them. You turned to ice, feeling mesmerized by him and his presence.
"I'm sure you can but it isn't just cursed spirits you need to be wary of. There are sorcerers that don't have good intentions for you too."
Noticing that you were in a bit of a daze, assumedly from his presence, he chuckled and put his arm around you and began walking.
"Well, don't worry. I'll be the best mentor and guardian. Ora. I'll show you around the campus."
That marked the beginning of a crush that lasted 4 1/2 years. It would've been 5 and maybe longer, but six months ago when you started your second year in college and Satoru started his fourth and last year, you met Sukuna who was in his last year as well.
Your reminiscing was cut short when Satoru began to stir, transitioning from dreaming to awakening. A groggy and throaty noise escaped from his mouth when he outstretched his arms and legs. Slowly opening his empyrean eyes, you perked up when his met yours. He smiled and spoke with a deep and sleepy voice that you found erotic.
"Hm? Have you been waiting for me to wake up?"
"No, no. I woke up not too long ago."
You stammered, not wanting him to know you spent the last several minutes ogling him in his sleep. You both sat up and Satoru began looking for his phone.
"What time is it?"
You unlocked your phone and held it up to his face so he could see the time.
"SHIT! 9 AM!? I was supposed to be in Osaka at 8 for a mission. Yaga's going to kill me."
Satoru hopped out of bed and frantically looked for his clothes, tearing the sheets up and looking under the bed. He found them and hurriedly put them on. You spotted his phone on the floor and picked it up to hand it to him.
"What's the mission?"
"Exorcising curses responsible for the many incomplete domains and missing people in the area."
"Sounds like fun! Can I come?"
"Sorry, sweets. I have to go alone since it's a field assignment for class. I'll be back in a few days. Wait for me?"
He gave you a peck on the cheek and patted the top of your head. You looked puzzled, pondering what he meant by 'wait for me' but before you got the chance to ask or even say goodbye, he had warped away.
Does he want me to wait in my room until he gets back? No, that can't be it. Ugh. I don't get it.
You went back under the covers and stared at the ceiling, sighing as you began to feel lonely. You opened up your contacts list on your phone and scrolled through the names, wondering who you should hit up to hang out with. You winced as you slowly passed by Sukuna's name; you pressed on his contact and was about to hit BLOCK but then an incoming call with his name on it took over your screen. The screen became blurry and your heart began to beat against your chest. Not knowing what to do, you waited there until the call went to voicemail but a few seconds after the ringing had stopped, he was calling again.
Don't answer it. There's nothing important he has to say to you.
Your hand holding your phone was shaking and you gave yourself a pep talk to be strong but you'd be lying if you said you didn't want to talk to him. If you answered, you hoped he would grovel at your feet and beg you for your forgiveness. But then what would you do? What would you want to happen afterward? You rid your head of the hypothetical situation and blocked his number after his second call went to voicemail. He had left one this time.
"Y/N, I know you don't want to talk to me or see me but I'm begging you, please give me a chance to explain. If you're truly done with me, can't we at least talk so I can get closure? Call me back. I love you."
Your heart skipped a beat when you heard him say he loves you. He had only said it a handful of times when you were still together. You tossed your phone to the other side of the room and brought the covers over your face.
“You love me, but you cheated on me? Why do you need closure, you idiot?”
You huffed in annoyance but then tears were escaping from the corners of your eyes. You grabbed the pillow Satoru used and buried your face in it, holding it to your chest tightly. His lingering scent made you feel a little better but you still sobbed into the pillow until you fell asleep.
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The next week, after doing nothing except sleeping and sulking, you decided to go out to the club tonight for a few drinks and music so loud you wouldn't be able to hear your thoughts. You didn't have club attire so you pulled up in black cargo pants, a black tube top, and black platform boots and luckily, it barely made the dress code and the bouncer let you in. As soon as you stepped inside, you felt the stale air from all of the people crowded together. You squished in between some and pushed your way through others to get to the bar. Once you finally made it, you took a seat and ordered a strawberry margarita. Every so often, someone took a seat beside you to try and talk to you but you rebuffed each one with just a wave of your hand without even giving them a glance.
Three margaritas later and you were feeling tipsy, thinking now is a good time for a cigarette. Stepping out of the stuffy club into fresh air, you pulled out a fresh pack and checked your purse and all of your pockets for a lighter, sighing when you didn't have one. You timidly began to ask the people around you but were out of luck because they either didn't have one or they wanted something in return for it. Unsuccessful in your pursuit, you took a seat at one of the tables with your unlit cigarette between your lips. You sighed, your elbow on the table and your hand supporting your head up, using your other one to scroll through your phone.
"Do you need a light?"
You stiffened knowing whose voice it was and you slowly turned your head up to see Sukuna standing before you, a smile with a hint of mal intent on his face. Shaken up and unsure of what to say, he used the pause to take a seat in front of you and he pulled out a lighter. You leaned in and your eyes locked onto each other’s as he lit your cigarette. Seeing your doe eyes ignited something in him and you saw a mischievous glint in his. Feeling uneasy, you closed your eyes and took a deep drag.
So unlucky.
"You're the last person I thought I'd see at the club. And alone too?"
"I was bored and needed to get out of my apartment. That's all."
"You look beautiful tonight."
Caught off guard by his compliment, you bit your lip to keep yourself from smiling, reminding yourself why you two aren't together anymore in the first place. His hand moved towards your face and you flinched a bit, but he gently brushed some strands of your hair behind your ear. You looked down feeling disconcerted, his slight touch sending a chill through you. You inhaled deeply, taking another drag and beginning to feel lightheaded from the alcohol you drank earlier even more.
"Thanks."
That was all you were able to mutter out. You felt awkward and didn't want to say anything at all. The feeling was intensified when Sukuna put his knee between your legs, rubbing it against your thigh. He loved teasing you in public places. He held his hand out over the table for you to grab. You apprehensively took it and he brought your hand close to his face and kissed the back of it. He then set your hand on the table, putting his over yours. You stared at him as blush formed across your cheeks, overwhelmed by his presence. He smirked at your docility.
"You haven't been answering my calls or texts. Did you block me?"
You quietly answered.
"I did."
He shook his head in dissatisfaction.
"That's mean, princess. You don't know how much I've missed you."
He moved his knee farther in between your legs so it was lightly brushing against your cunt. He hummed in amusement when he felt your warmth, the desire in his eyes tempting you. You focused on keeping your cool but you were slowly losing your inhibitions. You hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks and for a little while, you forgot what he looked like. But even in the dim light, you could see his features perfectly: his pink hair and undercut that you loved ruffling, his tattoos that you would trace over with your fingertips, his build under your small hands, and his aura that hypnotizes you. He cheated on you but that doesn't mean a hook-up was out of the question, right? You took a drag and puffed the smoke out, deciding to shift away from him and your rash ideas. You were brought back from your thoughts when a woman approached you two.
"Hi, baby!"
You tensed up hearing the woman speaking sweetly to Sukuna. She wore a white off-the-shoulder dress and looked elegant, contrasting the full-on black streetwear you had on. Feeling a tad jealous, you wondered if she was more his type than you were. They exchanged a kiss and you turned your head discreetly and cringed. You had a look of disappointment on your face that changed to a more friendly expression when she greeted you. Sukuna introduced you to each other but your cloudy thoughts didn’t let you catch her name. You tried your best to wear a polite smile though you really wanted to scream in anger or cry in dejection.
"You go ahead inside. I'll be there in a little bit."
He gave her a kiss on the cheek and then she scurried away, waving goodbye to the both of you. Sukuna then slowly turned to face you and you squinted at him with disgust. Before he got the chance to speak, you stood up to leave.
"I have to go."
"Wait, Y/N. She's no one."
Your thoughts were in a flurry, wondering how he could even say that after they had just kissed in front of you. Feeling disrespected, you scoffed at his absurd statement.
"Looks like I'm interrupting something. You don't have to lie to me anymore. We're done, remember?"
"You're the love of my life, Y/N. I'm only hanging out with her because I'm lonely and I don't have you around."
Tired of his nonsense, you took one last, long drag, finishing the cigarette and blowing the smoke in his face. You dropped the stoge to the floor, extinguishing the flame by rubbing it into the ground with your foot. Your face was hot with fury and intensity lined your voice.
"You missed me so you started seeing someone else? Do you hear how ridiculous you sound? I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to see you. I don't want anything to do with you. Okay? You cheated on me. You hurt me. You replaced me. We're finished."
You made a sound of disgust and turned your back to him, beginning to walk away. But he stood up after you and roughly caught your wrist, pulling you to his Herculean chest. The smell of his cologne was intoxicating and the warmth he radiated made you want to close the distance between you two but you reminded yourself he was already here with someone. Regardless of what he feels, his actions say something entirely different. You wanted to push him away but he spoke with a harsh tone that stopped you in your tracks.
"No, princess. Don't you know how much that hurts me?"
Sukuna looked down on you, scrutinizing you. He didn't want to get aggressive but he had lost his patience and he hated not getting his way. His dark stare brought a bit of fear to your eyes but you were enticed as well. The energy around him exuded sinful intentions and though your fight or flight response triggered, it exhilarated you more than anything. He leaned over to whisper in your ear, his voice deep and breathy.
"It's cute how defiant you're being but I think what you really want is to be taken for it in the back of my car right now."
His crass words were provoking you into submission. He leaned back and took hold of your chin between his thumb and index finger, tilting your head towards him and wearing a malevolent grin for you. His demeanor made you feel small and he knew it aroused you. He lightly pressed his lips against yours and hummed in contentment as you didn’t resist.
"I missed my little girl."
Stunned by the dominating air around him, you didn't kiss him back but you mindlessly followed him as he led you out of the patio area and to his car, his grip on your wrist still rough.
"Let's make up for lost time."
As you neared the vehicle, your thoughts began to flood. You knew this was a bad idea; your soul willed to reject him but your flesh was weak. You hadn't stopped missing Sukuna since you broke up and you wanted him so badly in this moment. You tried to justify it by telling yourself this was the last time for old time's sake and then you would really be finished with him. Your contemplation then transitioned to a vision of his date and you began to feel guilty, wondering how she would feel if she knew how low Sukuna could get. You almost brushed the thought off thinking Sukuna was yours in the first place but once he was about to open the door for you, Satoru's voice echoed in your head.
"Wait for me?"
Awakening from your stupor, you gasped and snatched your wrist back from Sukuna, Satoru's words finally making sense. You were dismayed at yourself as you almost traded your dignity for a little fling. You exhaled deeply and covered your face, tears collecting in your eyes. Ignoring the heartache in your chest, you steeled your resolve.
"I can't do this. If you really love me, you'd want what's best for me. And you're just not that. Not anymore."
His domineering presence disappeared and a bit of desperation was laced in his voice as he realized that you were no longer under his spell.
"Princess, please. I’ll do anything to atone."
"Save it for your next love."
You said it sharply but your chest ached as if you had just stabbed yourself with your own words. Tears ran down your face as you gave him a parting hug, cherishing for a few seconds the comfort you felt in his arms. You fit perfectly with him, his embrace on you snug yet tight and his chin resting on the top of your head. Not able to handle another second with him without sobbing, you teleported away. Sukuna stood there speechless, your warmth had left him and the rejection defeated him.
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Once Satoru came back from his mission, he took you out to eat. He sat across from you at the maid cafe he suggested you both go to, though he insisted it wasn't because of the outfits, rather it was because of their delicious desserts. He ordered a crepe filled with strawberries and bananas, topped with chocolate sauce and powdered sugar, and strawberry and vanilla ice cream on the side. Your eyes grew in size at the sickly sugary and loaded confection and your sweet tooth ached for it.
"Why couldn't you have gotten me my own crepe?"
"I got the biggest size so we could share! You wouldn't have been able to finish one on your own anyway, sweets."
You shrugged and quieted your protests. Eating a spoonful of the sweet course, you closed your eyes and hummed in delight. Satoru smiled warmly watching you eat and then followed suit.
"How was the mission?"
“A cakewalk. I thought it’d be a little challenging because of the volume of incomplete domains but a first-grade sorcerer would’ve been sufficient. What’d you do while I was gone?”
You were in awe at his coolness and confidence he effortlessly exuded. But at his question, you let out a long exhale and rested your chin on your knuckles.
“I went to a club and saw Sukuna with a girl. She called him baby and they kissed right in front of me."
"Ouch."
He made a straight face and pursed his lips. You were apprehensive to tell him what happened next, but you weren’t one to lie or keep things from others. You sighed again, anxiously moving fruit around the plate with your fork.
"Worst of all, he tried to seduce me and it almost worked."
He leaned forward in interest, raising his eyebrow and looking at you intently. You nervously met his gaze, unsure of what he thought about the situation.
"Almost?"
"My mind was all over the place debating whether I should or not but I decided not to because I remembered you telling me to wait for you."
He chuckled haughtily and patted you on the head endearingly. You winced at his reaction, his unpredictability confusing you as usual.
"I said wait for me? I meant that I'd be back soon. I'm flattered you thought I didn't want you having sex with anyone else. Though that isn't my decision to make, is it?"
Your palm met your forehead, feeling a little foolish at your misinterpretation of his words. Though you couldn’t be sure that that was what he really meant. Regardless, you didn't want to seem desperate for him.
"Well, whatever. Hooking up with him would've been a mistake."
He nodded, taking a spoonful of crepe, fruit, and ice cream and holding it up to your mouth to feed you. You gladly accepted it, looking up at him and making eye contact as your lips slipped off of the spoon. He returned your lusty stare, telling you that he knew what was on your mind.
"Is this… a date?"
You innocently asked him, not wanting to get the wrong idea of his company.
"Yeah, it is."
You were surprised at the seriousness of his tone. Usually, he teased you by skirting around these kinds of questions.
"And I want to ask you out on another date tonight. Suguru is throwing a party! Everyone will be there. Let's go together."
"That sounds like a lot of fun, but you should go without me. I'm assuming 'everyone' includes Sukuna too."
A look of disapproval was shown on your face at his proposition and he pouted, voicing his objection.
"He might be there but what does it matter? Are you scared of him?"
You sighed in exasperation, knowing this was a bad idea. But you had already stood up to him twice now. Surely you could do it again if a confrontation happened. Though you would prefer not to put yourself in a situation like that at all, you didn’t want his mere presence to influence your actions. You pushed the plate of dessert towards Satoru to signal you were full and done eating. He happily ate the rest. You conceded to him.
"Fine."
"Yay! I'll pick you up at 9 then."
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Later that night, Satoru arrived at your apartment an hour behind schedule. You were laying on your bed, hanging off the edge of it upside down when he walked in. He was wearing a fitted white dress shirt that you could easily see his muscular figure in and he had the first couple of buttons undone. Your eyes widened at his attractive appearance and you felt completely underdressed in your colorful shirt, baggy corduroy pants, and platform converse.
"Oh. It's that kind of party?"
His eyes lowered at your outfit and he frowned.
"I had a feeling you didn't have the right clothes for the occasion so I bought you something."
He handed you a black mini dress with spaghetti straps for you to wear. You took it and examined it, trying to decide if you liked it or not.
"You didn’t need to do that. It's not really something I'd buy for myself."
"At least try it on. Please? You can wear your platform boots with them."
You compromised and asked him to look away while you changed but he pretended not to hear you.
"Oh and Y/N? Don't wear a bra."
Your eyebrows scrunched and you pouted at him but you undressed down to your panties anyway. Satoru was obviously checking you out and you saw him lick his lips from the corner of your eye. He scanned you up and down, taking a bit more time viewing your breasts and ass that your panties couldn’t fully cover. You slipped on the dress and it fit a little too well, accentuating your curves and falling right at mid-thigh. After putting your platforms on, you looked at yourself in the mirror, content that you had at least one piece of clothing you were comfortable in.
Satoru came up behind you and hugged you, admiring your figure in the garment he had purchased just for you. His hands trailed the curve of your waist to your hips slowly while he pressed his lips against your ear, lightly licking your earlobe.
"You look delicious, sweets."
Taking one last look at yourself in the dress, and in his arms, you closed your eyes in satisfaction, your heart fluttering. He then grabbed your hand and led you out of the apartment to his car. After putting the key in the ignition, he drove fast, speeding recklessly towards Suguru’s residence. His driving unsettled you, but you were comforted when his hand moved to your thigh, giving it a squeeze. The drive was short and once you got there, you were on edge knowing Sukuna would see you tonight and would undoubtedly approach you. Your thoughts were interrupted when Satoru opened the car door for you and put his hand out for you to grab.
"You're welcome for the dress, by the way."
You turned your head and made a ‘hmph’ sound but then you batted your eyelashes at him and blushed, taking his hand and following his lead. Once you were inside and in view of your friends, you and Satoru unclasped hands, in silent agreement that you didn't want them to think anything was going on between you two yet.
"Fashionably late as usual. And Y/N! We haven't seen you in forever."
Suguru said as he lightly shoved Satoru. Suguru then embraced you tightly, picking you up and twirling you around. You yelped and Shoko came to your rescue, picking you out of his arms and giving you a tight hug as well. They both became straight-faced and asked how you were doing after the breakup. You chuckled nervously, putting your hand behind your head.
"I'm doing fine. Is Sukuna here already?"
"I haven't seen him yet. But wow! I've never seen you in a dress before. You look great."
Shoko nodded in agreement but then snickered after she surveyed you in the dress.
"Is it cold in here?"
Pointing to your nipples that were poking through your garment. Satoru and Suguru’s eyes fell to your chest and they both grinned. You instantly reddened and put your head down, calling them out.
"Stop looking!"
The three of them laughed endearingly while you crossed your arms over your chest to cover it. Shoko pulled you to the side while Suguru and Satoru began conversing with each other about their last missions.
"Seriously, Y/N. Are you okay? I heard Sukuna cheated on you and he's been seeing someone else already."
You sighed, a bit upset that your business was probably known by everyone by now.
"I saw them together at the club last week. It was terrible. Sukuna came with her but we almost hooked up in the back of his car while she was at the bar."
Shoko grimaced at the awkward situation. She put her arm around you to comfort you and you leaned into her.
"I just wanted to warn you that he'll probably show up with her tonight. And what about Satoru? You two are hanging out again?"
"Yeah, I'm slowly trying to reconnect with everyone I disappeared on when I started dating Sukuna."
She smiled knowing she'd be seeing you more often. Satoru and Suguru argued about who knows what but they resolved it quickly and rejoined your conversation.
"Well, you two should go grab a drink! Let's catch up later."
Suguru nudged you both in the direction of the alcohol. They had almost every kind but the only hard liquor you could keep down was tequila. Satoru knew that and had already poured you a shot.
"I'm only having a couple of drinks since I'm driving. I'll take care of you though."
"I can handle my alcohol, thank you very much."
You both said cheers and clinked shot cups. Downing the bitter drink, you made a face of disgust, wanting to cough it up. He then skillfully made two margaritas for both of you to sip on. You chugged it instead and Satoru furrowed his eyebrows at you, thinking he would definitely need to look out for you tonight despite your earlier protest.
"Do you wanna dance?"
You nodded and he led you into the dark room only dimly lit by red LED lights on the ceiling though you could see his intense eyes holding the heavens clearly. The faint light made the atmosphere erotic. He pulled you closer to him, his hand on the small of your back, and you awkwardly did a two-step dance. The unsynchronized movement didn’t fit with the music so he turned you around so your ass was on his crotch. He had to bend his knees a considerable amount because of your height difference. Regardless, he held you close and led your hips to grind on him. The slow swaying and the tequila setting in made you rid yourself of whatever awkwardness that was left.
"This dress looks a little too good on you."
He whispered in your ear as he began to get more frisky, one of his hands cupping your breast while the other crossed over your torso and rested on your hip. He held you close to him tightly, leaving no room between you two and wanting to get even closer. He buried his head in the crook of your neck, lightly kissing down it. You shivered a bit under his touch, sighing in gratification. Your hand found the nape of his neck and you held onto it, giving in to your lust as you felt his erection forming.
"Let's go somewhere else."
Grabbing your wrist, he eagerly led you out into the hallway where he pushed you against the wall, caging you between his arms. He kissed you feverishly, his lips smacking against yours and his tongue finding its way into your mouth where he brushed along your wet muscle. He lightly bit your bottom lip and you let out a soft moan, your body feeling loose and ready for more. Your hand trailed down his torso and over his groin, where you lightly grabbed his hard cock. He was a bit startled but then he smiled, kissing into you even more roughly, his hands cupping your face. You pulled away from his lips to lean over and whisper in his ear.
"Can we get out of here? I want you."
Your doe eyes and sweet voice feigning innocence made him drag you out of the house with a quickness.
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As soon as you got outside, he gave you another impassioned kiss and grabbed your ass with both of his hands. You two were about to head over to Satoru's car when you heard a thunderous voice.
"Are you fucking kidding me, Satoru?"
Sukuna stomped his way over to you two and placed his hand on Satoru's shoulder. Satoru made a sound of disgust and brushed his hand off, turning to face him. He leaned over to look at the woman standing beside Sukuna and he scoffed.
"Aren't you going to introduce us to your new girlfriend, Sukuna?"
Satoru spoke his name with a hiss and had the smuggest smile on his face seeing Sukuna seething with anger.
"She's not my girlfriend and what the fuck are you doing with Y/N? You're always getting your hands on my sloppy seconds."
You and Sukuna's date both winced at different parts of his harsh comments. This was probably the worst-case scenario.
"Don't be so full of yourself. Not a fan of your type, besides Y/N of course. And how could you cheat on the sweet girl? Let me guess, is it because you couldn't have the fucked up sex you want with her?"
The girl’s eyes widened, realizing Sukuna had cheated on you with her. You cringed at Satoru’s unintentional insult towards her, seeing how hurt and confused she was already. Your eyebrow raised at Satoru's comment and you inserted yourself into the conversation.
"What are you talking about, Satoru?"
Sukuna crossed his arms and shook his head. Satoru chuckled arrogantly and looked at you with darkened eyes.
"Why don't you tell her why you cheated, Suku?"
He mockingly called Sukuna by the nickname you had given to him. Sukuna sighed deeply and rubbed his forehead with his index finger and thumb in frustration. He didn’t want you to find out like this but he was caught and couldn’t lie anymore.
"I have some kinks I didn't think you'd be into. I got drunk and couldn't control myself when I met someone with similar quirks."
Sukuna spoke as if his date wasn't even there. She glanced at you with embarrassment and dipped her head down so none of us could see her face. You huffed in disbelief and you shot him a dirty look, glaring at him.
"That's why you cheated on me? You didn't trust me enough to tell me what you desired? You didn't even give me a chance to decide whether I did or not?"
"Y/N, what are you even doing with Satoru? Was looking like a pathetic puppy following him around for years not enough indication of how he feels about you? How hopeless everyone thought you were until you started dating me?"
He deflected your questions and you balled your fists in anger, feeling like you were close to your boiling point and about to explode.
"Pathetic, huh?"
"Yes, pathetic. Running back to Satoru as soon as we're over? You don't think it's odd he went after you as soon as he found out we broke up?"
You slapped Sukuna straight across his face, his head turning and your eyes glowing red at him with rage. Your cursed energy changed the air around you hostilely and the three of them shuddered feeling it. Sukuna placed his hand over his cheek where you had hit him and he scowled. His date trembled at your actions and she tugged on his sleeve to ask if he was okay, to which he shrugged her off insensitively.
"I don't give a damn what you think of what I'm doing, Sukuna. You cheated on me for an asinine reason and then you berate me for actions that have nothing to do with you. I never want to see you again."
You spoke jeeringly. Satoru tried to grab your hand to comfort you but you plucked it away from him. He began to plead with you. Sukuna smiled slightly seeing that he successfully pitted you against Satoru.
"Y/N, I told you I'd make everything right. And I will, slowly and steadily."
You rolled your eyes and shook your head in resentment. You were done with all of this and everyone, ready to leave it all behind.
"The both of you can go fuck yourselves."
Satoru looked at you with pained eyes while Sukuna couldn't even face you. You turned to Sukuna's date and sighed, putting your hand on her shoulder in an act of comfort. You were both completely humiliated and she was on the verge of tears. You had a similar feeling but anger was the more prominent emotion.
"I'm sorry about all of this. You really don't deserve it."
She was mortified and began to cry, unable to speak. You turned your back to the three of them and began walking away.
"Don't follow me. I mean it. You two disgust me. I don't know who or what you think I am but I'm not a fucking toy."
"Y/N, please…"
Satoru's voice trailed as the distance increased between you two. You released your balled fists and one of your palms was red and stinging from the vicious slap you gave Sukuna. You then put your hands over your face, groaning loudly.
"What the fuck was all that?"
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The walk home was miserable. You trudged back to your apartment, walking uncomfortably as the cold bit at your skin harshly and the dress hiked up your thighs. You constantly pulled the piece of clothing down to an almost modest length for the entire thirty-minute walk. The scene between you four replayed in your mind relentlessly. You wished you could just forget the past six months.
As soon as you stepped into your apartment, you fell down to your knees in front of the mirror. You examined yourself, thinking that you didn't like who you were or anyone very much at this moment. You banged on the mirror with the side of your fist, shattering the glass and distorting your reflection. Your hand began bleeding, shards of glass still embedded in it. And then, you began to sob hard, trying to catch your breath. Your chest felt heavy and your heart ached beneath it. Your phone hadn't stopped ringing since you left, mostly from calls and texts from Satoru, a few from Suguru and Shoko, and a couple from an unknown number which you assumed was Sukuna. You doubted yourself and the people closest to you.
"Am I not deserving of the love I give to others? Am I really just a pitiful person?"
You laid face down on the floor in despair. Exhaling deeply, you were unbearably exhausted and the confidence in yourself had completely dissipated. The depression began to settle in and you fell asleep in absolute defeat.
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Note: Watch out for fluff next chapter <3
master list
MIGRATING TO A NEW BLOG @baji-san
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silvermahogany · 3 years
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Talking about a few songs I associate with my favourite aonoex characters bc i enjoy shoving my music taste in people's faces and analysing the shit out of nothing <3
Recent chapter spoiler warning lessgo, also mentions of suicide tw
THE MAIN MANS HIMSELF
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Still feel - Half•Alive
"I am not a slave, so pick me from the dark and pull me from the grave"
In my mind, this is his themesong without a doubt. Its reached the point where wherever i hear it it makes me really happy because I associate it with him so strongly :,D might just be because I found it while getting back into the fandom when Ren was kinda transitioning to my favourite so they came up together but either way, absolute banger. The bit at the end when everything drops and the lead singer belts his heart out, I always love to picture Ren doing the same in the illuminati uniform with Yamatanka building around him and I've never wanted to learn how to animate more in my life cause my GOD he's so cool.
My favourite song for my favourite character <3
Preach - Saint Motel
"Oh im down on my knees, mercy"
Its so happy and bouncy?? And the vibes are immaculate?? Matches well with the themes of religion as well, this one definitely shows his flirty loverboy side more, it gives the impression of some lovestruck idiot stumbling over himself every time his crush does anything and honestly, sounds like something he'd do. Good song makes me go :))))
Your Love (Deja Vu) - Glass Animals
"You eat us up, you live like you're on camera"
I feel like this one captures his spy side a little more than the others. The lower notes in the main verses give a secretive feel, like he's halfway through a mission and trying trying stay silent. But it's also flirty in a more smooth way than wholesome crushes like the rest. The lead singer has such a gorgeous voice too i'll praise glass animals until the day i die 🥺🥺 God tier song god tier vibe 1000000/10
Do It All The Time - IDKHOWBUTTHEYFOUNDME
"Now we're so young but we're probably gonna die, it's so fun we're so good at selling lies"
Now THIS is a song for a spy working for a secret deadly organisation, all about world domination and having a great time doing it. Renzou is a free spirit and loves the freedom of his job, and this song really captures that for me. He knows he's in danger, but he's living his best life and he's having a great time doing it baybeeee B)))
Sweet Talk - Saint Motel
"You could yell 'piss off won't you stay away!' And still be sweet talk to my ears"
Ren is a persistent little shit when it comes comes crushes and this song shows it, a song about a guy who's so infatuated he doesn't care if he's hated or laughed at, he just loves hearing their voice. I see this as a bit of a yukishima anthem tbh, I feel like in the early stages of their relationship it would be pretty one sided with Shima trying to win him over and Yukio shutting him down so this matches that pretty well :>
Cant go five minutes without talking about them can i-
Honourable mentions-
Talk too much - COIN - very flirty and cheesy considered it as his themesong for a while
Toxic - Britney Spears - self explanatory :)
Razzmatazz - IDKHBTFM - everything they make shows his spy side imo, good for daydreaming
Van horn - Saint Motel -honestly anything by Saint Motel or Half•Alive reminds me of him, great bands :D
YUKIO MY BELOVED
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Yukio was weirdly a lot harder for me to find songs for. For Renzou i have a giant playlist I add to over time, supreme comfort playlist egegegeheh, but Yukio's is a lot shorter for some reason. I guess his vibe is a little difficult to get down but a while scrolling through my main playlist and I think I have a decent few that at least match his character development and plotline.
Stressed Out - Twenty one Pilots
"Out of student loans and treehouse homes we all would take the latter"
Pretty self explanatory really, mans was forced to grow up and mature way faster than he shouldve had to, having a high stress job by the age of 13 studying for two meister all while studying to be a normal doctor as well. Not much of a surprise he has so many mental issues by the beginning of the story. I dont listen to much TOP but the few songs I know seem to fit Yukio pretty nicely :)
Oh Klahoma - Jack Stauber
"Those aren't meant to bend, no those arent meant to bend"
Another song based on depression, but with a much quieter feel, much lower energy. I feel like this one more links to his tendencies of delf destruction, and how alone he feels as he faces his battle. Like he's singing into the void hoping for something to reply, but nothing will. Man :(
The Fall - Half•Alive
"I'd jump off and into your arms but i cant trust the fall"
I feel like this one highlight his story to Rin in a really realistic way. Yukio has a good heart, he's kind and wants to love his brother and open up to him he wants to get better. But he's so deep in his pit of depression and conflicting feelings over his brother that he can't bring himself to, he sees no way out. God I wanna write an analysis on his character so bAD-
Baby Hotline - Jack Stauber
"Numb, I've been burning with haste and I'm realising now it's a terrible waste"
We just keep getting darker huh, didn't pick very pleasant tunes for this boy did I. A bouncy, happy song about a girl calling a suicide hotline, lovely. But i feel like it describes his mental state pretty well, outside he seems ok. Sure Rin picks up that somethings off, but once Yukio assures him he doesnt really persist above asking him a couple times. But below the facade he's really reaching his breaking point, and I love how this song contrasts those two tones in a scarily natural way. Absolute banger
Fireflies - Gorillaz
"And if you say goodbye too many times, the sentinels will find me and switch me off this time"
One of my absolute favourite Gorillaz songs by far. The melody is so gorgeous, melancholic in the best kind of way. For Yukio I feel like it signifies how trapped he feels as Satan's son, he's hit his lowest point and he doesnt know how to start moving back up. But the song also has a hopeful feel to it, as if even though he feels lost, he will get better. In the recent chapters we see a moment of reconciliation between Yukio and the people around him, with Suguro forgiving him and tye two brothers finally getting a chance to to things out. Before everything went to shit lmaoo. But with that i really hope that after all the fighting is done, Yukio will finally get the chance to see how bad things have gotten, and reach out to get better. And this song shows that for me :D
Honourable mentions!!
Creature - Half•Alive - the first song I ever added to his playlist, there for sentimentality tbh
Cane shuga - Glass Animals - the plonky noises make the happy chemical go buckwild, not sure why it reminds me of him it just kinda does really
I Earn My Life - Lemon Demon - mans is overworked give him a break :( ngl i don't associate it with him much but i wanted to edge a lemon demon song in somewhere-
Dead inside - Younger Hunger - whenever I hear this I always imagine a really cool animation of him and it always plays out the same way and MAN I wanna animate so baDD
Absolute wordvomit woohoo, hypervocused on this instead if doing the assignment due this evening I'm a fantastic student. This was kinda fun tho!!! I might do other characters at somepoint, these guys are my favourites but i have a bunch of playlists for other characters like Amaimon and Shura, recommendations are welcome too!!
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2019 - Year In Review
Dec 31, 2019.
My anxiety had gotten so bad early this year I could no longer work. I was on extended leave from my job for the entire month of Feb. My parents being very worried, took me on a trip to Cuba.
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Writing this gave me a chance to truly reflect on 2019. There were some growing pains but all in the effort of development and forward progress.
My journey of healing and recovery has been strongly correlated with self discovery. I've made a conscious effort to put myself out there and be vulnerable. To have the courage to be imperfect and share my story, all while trying my best to be kind to myself and as real, authentic and honest as possible.
Vulnerability can be uncomfortable, with shame and fear lingering from the past. However, vulnerability is also the birthplace of joy, creativity, belonging and love. It sounds like a bunch of bullshit, but I've been fortunate enough to experience the power of vulnerability first hand.
Vulnerability is not an act of weakness and shows how courageous we truly are, as emotional risk, uncertainty and exposure are part of our EVERY DAY lives.
I'm not perfect, nobody is, but I'm in the arena everyday fighting with everything I've got. It's a struggle, but those glimmers of hope and belief make the tiniest amount of progress worth it. Believe me, it is true. 
Countless friends, colleagues and medical professionals have encouraged me to write and share my story. I hope these words do help someone out there. In 2019 I fought for my life and won. It can get better no matter how hopeless it may seem. Never give up and remember you are worth saving.
Happy New Year and I hope the New Year brings everyone peace and growth. Thanks for reading!
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2019, what a ride...I had to fight for my life this past year...and would WIN each time.
At the beginning of the year in early Jan my long term battle with anxiety reached its tipping point. I could no longer work and was on extended leave from my job. Now at home, left to my own devices, my anxiety spiraled downward into a deep depression. I was off work and mostly confined to my own house - this was for a MONTH. Without question the scariest and most uncertain crossroad I've encountered.
By the grace of God, and the family, friends, and colleagues who rallied to my side, I returned to work in March. This was after multiple failed attempts. I was blessed enough to have a colleague graciously go out of their way, essentially hold my hand, and walk me back into the office. I may not have been ready at the time, but it was needed.
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When April rolled around the waves had settled. I was as productive as ever entering late spring into early summer, with the sense or normalcy and routine returning. Then as summer progressed, and on the back of the Raptors winning a championship, I regressed back into the "fast life", with destructive behavior crashing me back into reality. As a result, old battles of addiction, anxiety and depression again entered the forefront .
As we entered the Fall months everyday was an excruciating, gut wrenching and mentally exhausting war. Compounded by a few trusted colleagues leaving for better opportunities. This was a very murky junction in my life, again with my personal and now professional aspirations all marred with uncertainty.
In October I abandoned my plan of buying a condo and moved out of my family home into my own apartment. What a whirlwind this period was, but words can't express how grateful and fortunate I am to have my own space to heal and recover.
I then began something brand new, which was recommended by many for years - meditation. This really led me down a rabbit hole of self discovery. I returned to therapy and began educating myself about trauma, anxiety, addiction and depression through TED Talks and reading academic research. Essentially learning as much as possible. This began the climb back up the mountain. Unfortunately, this was the same time I had a falling out with a best friend, a brother, and a very close buddy I've known literally my whole life.
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Oct, Nov, and early Dec came with ups/downs, major steps forward, and painful steps backwards. Despite all this, I write this on the eve of a new decade, with as much hope and belief as I've ever had. I have the best support system of family, friends and professionals I can recall. This includes two current colleagues who are kind enough to lend an ear and counsel on a daily basis. I've also engaged with as many resources as possible - therapy, addiction programs and peer mentors.
It is now 100 + days of successful harm reduction, and this will be the first holiday season in YEARS where I did not spiral backwards with tried and true destructive behavior. Necessary changes I was previously scared shitless of are unfolding naturally and boundaries are being established.
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Don't get me wrong there are still bumps in the road - ones that cut deep, hurt, sting, shake you to your core, test your character, break your heart, and seductively remind you of the old days. With that being said, for me it's the incremental growth, the slow progress, small wins, and little tangible improvements that make it all worth it.
Just a little while back I was fortunate enough to regain hope. Now I'm starting to really BELIEVE. To my surprise, the good times are beginning to hold more weight and value than the often experienced lows. This is an uplifting and encouraging transition. I believe the future will bring similar growth and development.
The best analogy that comes to mind is the end of Shawshank Redemption. I feel like I've crawled through all this shit and I'm just about to come out successfully and free on the other side. I'm almost there, and look forward to seeing you in greener pastures on the other side soon!
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Please share with anyone who could benefit from these words. Thank you.
Dec 31, 2019. 
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