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#gnome writing
angel-derangement · 2 years
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thegnomelord · 5 months
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https://i.pinimg.com/564x/3c/9a/12/3c9a12a21042f090717945801ab75174.jpg
booby
Yes yes just imagine Price with his pecs pushed out like that just without his arms being bound. Imagine seeing how much the rope makes his chest look bigger before he hides it all under his shirt. Imagine seeing a bit of rope peak beneath his shirt every time he moves his arms, no one else aware of the shibari wrapped around his broad torso but you. And he teases you too, purposely calling on you during a meeting just to see you sputter and try to figure out what's going on even when he knows damn well all of your attention is on him and his chest.
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Person A: “Did you steal one of the neighbour’s garden gnomes again? They’ve been standing out there glaring at them suspiciously for the past half hour.”
Person B: “Nah, I got bored of that months ago. I’ve actually been adding new ones to their collection every few days for a couple of weeks now. I was wondering how long it would take them to figure it out.”
Person A: “....You’re a menace to society.”
Person B: “Thank you, I try.”
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the-gnomish-bastard · 3 months
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So, you wanna write a likable and honorable warrior/knight/whatever character? No worries, Gnomus has got you covered. Disregard chivalry. It’s boring, overdone, and just stupid. Here’s a list of what you need for them:
Have them respect their foe for having the courage to lay down their life for what they believe in. (Though they don’t necessarily have to respect what they believe in.)
Have them respect and acknowledge the strengths of their foe, let them offer a compliment or two.
Give them a core set of traits they respect in a warrior. For example, strength, intelligence, experience, ingenuity, preparation, discipline, commitment, and mercy are all good traits.
Give your warrior a main trait. One they respect above all others. Like strength or any other battle trait.
Give them values, true beliefs that they swear by. For example: Never strike a defenseless man (unarmed and defenseless are two very different things), never strike a child, never strike the innocent, always put your allies before yourself, always protect what you hold dear, a wise warrior knows that retreat is an option, a wise warrior also knows that if a retreat cannot be made without sacrifice then it is the duty of the warrior to lay down their life for their comrades, a wise warrior knows when retreat is futile but also if surrender may save their comrades, and a strong warrior faces their death with dignity and honor.
Don’t have them use dirty tricks, but have them respect the employment of some of those tricks in battle.
Take inspiration from Godfrey, First Elden Lord.
There. This should help.
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f-aha-efolk · 3 months
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I play DnD in school and I just got my DM to get a knocked out character to say "No mommy, I don't want the mashed potatoes..." MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE
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not-equippedforthis · 4 months
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a collection of sherlock gnomes being the silliest soppiest wet cat
and, my roman empire, the fucking crack in his leg in the finale:
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auspicioustidings · 5 months
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And today on AUs nobody has asked for but I need on a carnal level, Reader in Wonderland!
Gaz the white rabbit is such an awful thing, leading you into all sorts of trouble and teasing you about it everytime
The Ghost Mad Hatter and Soap March Hare tea party certainly gets you into a boatload of trouble
Caterpillar Graves gets you high and then is so mean about how needy it makes you
Even meaner is Cheshire Cat Keegan, always witness to every debauchery that you go through and oh so willing to use it against you
When you are put on trial, you learn that King of Hearts Price and Queen of Hearts Laswell very much build their partnership on ruining girls together the moment they declare them guilty
Good thing Gnave of Hearts Valeria is more than willing to testify that the crimes she had committed are actually yours
Alejandro and Rudy dum and dee are no help at all in the trial actually, they mostly just back her account up
Sure, have Bandersnatch König while we're at it and his White Knight Horangi keeper who actually does not a thing to keep the monster from you
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gnomewithalaptop · 5 months
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What is cue the sun? 👀
I need you to know I am kissing you on the mouth rn (platonically) -- I've been rotating this plot in the microwave since like. mid-august.
It's transcendence au (obvi) but here's the basic hook:
The year is 7098. The last Mizar (Fang Wu -- and shoutout to aba_daba_do for making a kickass OC) has been dead for four years now, and Alcor has been MIA for about the same amount of time. In their absence, the North American continent has broken out into a full-on, cross-continental war, with the main players being the Greater Austinian Monopoly (formerly known as Texas) and the Alaskadian Collective (Alaska, plus some parts of Canada and north-eastern Russia).
In a last-ditch effort to find some long-forgotten piece of magical information that could win the war, Alaskadian scientist Fatima Tursynbekova (an r!Ford) is sent to the abandoned site of what used to be Gravity Falls, accompanied by her troubled teenage daughter Olya (an r!Gideon). They're expecting to find little more than scant remnants of a town that was razed to the ground over thirty years before -- not much better than an archaeological expedition if anything.
However, what they find instead is a thriving small town -- the inhabitants of which are all completely and utterly convinced that it's the year 2016 (feat. the OG Mystery Twins and an extremely sus Stan Pines).
Anyways blah blah blah romance, secrecy, interpersonal drama but COME LOOK AT THE MAP I MADE I spent entirely too much time on it and I've been dying to share:
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(Plus better quality image link for if tumblr steals all my pixels)
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fatale-distraction · 3 months
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You seem like the best person to ask, Apologies if it's inappropriate. How does Barcus fair eating Tav out?
Barcus Down Under
Oh anon, we’re getting as deep into some personal Headcanons as Barcus is in Tav’s respective genitalia.
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Also I did my best to keep trans and non-binary Tavs in mind while I wrote this. Everyone deserves a little Barcus in their lives.
Under the cut because ~vulgarity~
Barcus has spent most of his life being jerked around by Wulbren. The way I see it, IF he has experience with other people, he’s most likely been with other male gnomes, maybe a female gnome here or there, but he’s not going to have a whole lot of experience with women.
Wulbren is also a fucking prick, and if he engaged in any sexual activity with Barcus, it was most likely non-reciprocal head from Barcus.
Barcus is not the kind of guy who does anything half-assed. He sucks a cock like no one’s fucking business. He’ll get all the way down to the base and make it look easy. He knows how to use his lips, his tongue, his hands, he’ll even get his teeth involved if they’re into it. He’s creative, too, this isn’t going to be a standard blow-and-go. He’ll draw it out, play with the head, the balls, the shaft separately and in tandem. A Barcus BJ is an Experience.
If Tav has a vag, he’s probably a little nervous about going down on them, but he’s never let nerves stop him before. He’ll throw himself in there right up to his ears. He’ll suck their clit like he sucks cock, and he’ll do a damn good job of it. His fine-motor skills are second to none, being an expert alchemist and tinkerer. He’s got quick, clever fingers and intuition on his side, so it doesn’t take him long to figure out the spots Tav likes touched and exactly how they like them touched.
Barcus might seem like a nervous little fellow, and he absolutely is. But he’s also creative, passionate, and highly skilled at what he does, and in spite of Wulbren diminishing him at every opportunity, when he’s good at something, he fucking knows it.
And boy is he good at head.
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infernaliscor · 2 months
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The themes of abuse shared between Gor/tash, Kar/lach & Zar/iel actually hurt me.
Gor/tash: inflicting pain on those closest to him because he thinks they're helping them get better ( sold by his own mother, later sold kar/lach to zar/iel) Zar/iel: Was abused, trapped down in the hells for hundreds of years and had parts of her flesh continuously carved off of her by abishai servants of Bel TO FEED HIM. gestures at zar/iel Karl/ach: Sold to Zar/iel, having her heart replaced with an infernal engine & coming out the other end of it stronger / kinder / never wanting to inflict that kind of pain on anyone.
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nrvcntr · 24 days
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obliterated my durge run by aggroing the fists in wyrm’s crossing making everyone including the coronation aggro’d
i have managed to kill gortash and now have like six steel watchers to deal with
sorry gondians sorry wyll sorry wyll’s dad sorry durgetash dialogue
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ansburg · 3 months
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cannot imagine getting mad about gnome racism when the main gnome cast is just like. white people who are purple
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im very sorry barcus tucci but you are distracting from a serious conversation about racism in western fantasy when the slave-keeping race of dwarves overwhelmingly look like this
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thegnomelord · 3 months
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GNOME YOU ASSHOLE (I say as if I didn't go out of my way to read it instead of just ignoring it)
THE STORY IS SO GOOD BUT???? My heart is as braked as shit bro like there is no salvaging this.
Like usually personally when I come across angst I like to think of a way where they could still have a somewhat happy/hopeful ending
I'm tearing my hair out trying to think of one
I'm gonna go bald
-🐙
XD
I'm in a good mood from traumatizing all of y'all so in an attempt to save your hair: there is one good outcome — Price becomes an Eldrich creature too.
I kinda implied that the reader wasn't always what they are now, once they were just an animal that escaped death's sight and grew to become an Eldrich abomination by eating other souls. With Price's body now guarded by Reader and his soul claimed by them, he would basically end up consuming souls passively/without noticing and in a couple millennia wake up as an infant god.
And that Reader might come to collect the rest of his boys when they die too to do the same since they're his hoard and reader wants to protect what remains of him.
Whether the existence as an Eldrich monstrosity is better than death itself is up for question.
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brainrotdotorg · 5 months
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This is the best tag anyone has added to my gnome post. I never dreamed that i would ever get a “babe are you okay” type tag on one of my posts. Id like to thank the academy, god, and the gnomes
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minecraftbookshelf · 10 months
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And Shrub never learned anything about politics. They can identify and name 298 species of mushroom and the conditions they need to grow, but all this talk of treaties and alliances is beyond her. At least trade agreements make some sense, it's just like bartering in the market. Just on an astronomically larger scale. And the danger that if something goes wrong someone could declare war.
I'm calling this proof of life for The AU In Which All the Marriages are Arranged. I haven't been posting as much about it because I've been writing it XD
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inbabylontheywept · 9 months
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Dale of the Dales: Part 1
The Dales were home to the hillfolk, a happy people, but also the only group shorter than the gnomes. Commander Alfonse Sprocket had been prepared to discuss the surrender of Honnillee with someone quite a bit… shorter.
“Welcome, welcome, how do you do? I’m Dale Chesher, named after these self-same lands, yessiree. Something to drink?”
The situation was so surreal that he didn’t fight against the warm mug of tan liquid forced into his hand. He took a sip and winced: The tea was far too sweet, syrupy even.
Alfonse hadn’t actually met a human before this moment. Apparently, they didn’t take to the altitude of Gnicaea very well. Most of the trade the two cultures experienced came second hand from the dwarves, who were friendly enough, but prone to exaggeration. When he’d heard the dwarves talking about the scale of a human, he’d written it off as a cultural tendency to lionize their friends.
Apparently, he had failed to give his fellow mountain-folk appropriate credit. The man in front of him was easily twice his height, and thrice his breadth.
“You’re the mayor of this town?”
Dale shrugged.
“We got maybe a hundred folk down here in Honnillee, we ain’t nearly so formal as that. If someone needs to be in charge for a spell, we let em’, but it ain’t a lifelong deal. Titles go to yer head like cheese goes to yer thighs, that’s a Chesherism, free-a-charge.”
He swept a hand towards the dining room, cutting off the Commander from further interrogations.
“If you got any more questions, it’d be easier to ask them sittin’ down. If the Gods wanted me to spend my life standin’, they wouldn’t have given me such a soft ass, that’s a second Chesherism for ya. Our folk don’t dine much together, more’s the pity, so we’ve got two options so far as the table’s concerned: We got a booster chair you could use to sit at my very own personal dining set, carried all the way from the Malantai, or I could sit criss-cross-applesauce here at a table that the Midford’s lend me for the evenin’, bless their teenie-tiny hearts hearts. You’re the guest; choice is yours. ”
The avalanche of words was hard to keep up with. Worse, the man didn’t even seem to be doing it on purpose: His face was placid, almost serene, and his every movement had a sort of lazy-summer-sluggishness to it.
He could do this all night. Alfonse, on the other hand, could feel his strength draining with every moment he wore his ceremonial armor. He was supposed to come here armed to the teeth, plated in silver, an angel of war in a land of peace. He was supposed to be terrifying.
Craning his head almost forty-five degrees up just to make eye contact did not make him feel very terrifying.
Less than thrilled by the prospect of craning his neck the whole night, he weighed his options: He could accept the use of the booster seat, which would put him at eye level, although he wasn’t sure how he would manage to get up there. Perhaps a ladder would be produced? Or, if none were sturdy enough to handle him in full armor, perhaps a ramp?
Alternatively, he could use the standard size table, which would leave him with an aching neck to match everything else.
Easy choice.
“I would like to use your dining set, Master Chesher. The craftsmanship is remarka-”
He was cut off mid-sentence as Dale casually scooped him up, crossing the entire room in three easy strides before dropping him casually into the chair. The indignity of it was almost as infuriating as the casual display of strength was intimidating.
Almost.
Fear held his temper in, but it did little to curb other emotions. His mouth was desperate to say something about what had just happened, and the odd lingering smells in the upholstery of the seat gave it an outlet.
“I...Why does my chair reek of boiled peas?”
Dale shrugged, slightly embarrassed.
“Ah, well, normally this here seat is used by babs still sprouting their fangs. Boiled peas and carrots are delicacies for em’, but you know how it is when you’re feeding a ween, they wind up wearing as much as they eat! And they eat a good deal sir, a very good deal, humans don’t get this big by being dainty-like. Been a long time since I’ve had any runnin’ around the house though. Miss my little scamps.”
Ah. So this was a child’s chair. He hadn’t counted on that. He deflated in his chair before forcing himself up right again, consoling himself.
Ah hell, it wasn’t like the shock and awe had been working well anyway.
“I see. Well, Master Chesher, are you ready to discuss the details of your hamlet’s surrender?”
Dale winced.
“My boy, I done told you: I ain’t a mayor and Honnillee ain’t mine. It ain’t anyone’s. Only people with any claim to the ground near here at them that’s buried underneath it, there’s a third Chesherism for ya.”
“I am not a ‘boy’, and we’ve heard this claim from the hill-folk before. All that you’ve said is both well known, and highly contrary to how Gnicaea sees things. This document isn’t going to write itself Master Chesher, so if you would quit stalling and-”
Dale exploded up, his chair miraculously keeping its balance even as it slid across the room and slammed into the wall.
“It’s called hospitality, Alfonse, and you may not get our ways but under this roof you sure as sin are gonna respect em’! Now this is how our evenin’ is gonna go: We’re gonna eat our vittles like civilized-folk cuz I’m an old godsdamned widower and I baked you a shepard’s pie with the late wife’s recipe, first time I done touched an oven in ten years, and I cried into it thinkin’ about her, so you owe me big for that, you hear? Then, we’re gonna have two drinks apiece out on the porch because it is a nice summer evenin’ and a man can be too sober for a thing just as easily as he can be too drunk, and you sir strike me as a man that’s been two drinks too sober since he was born. We get those done, evenin’s yours. And if you even think about talkin’ any more business before those’re done, I swear, I swear, I’m gonna hang your shiny metal ass off that chandelier over there and leave you there until the sun doth rise or my house doth burn, whichever comes first. Are we clear?”
Alfonse blinked once, twice, three times. He’d been in the military a long time, climbed his way from boot camp all the way to the top. He’d been happy enough when he reached a rank where he didn’t get reamed on the daily, but it’d been so long that he’d dealt with anything besides excessive ass-kissing that he didn’t know what to do. To be honest, it was actually pretty damn refreshing.
He realized that Dale was still waiting for him to speak.
“Crystal clear, Dale. Just got one question for you.”
The human glared at him, suspicious as he’d ever been.
“Yeah? What’s that?”
“Does it get any easier?”
Dale’s face twisted up in confusion.
“Does what get any easier? Bein’ an old grump? Every damn day.”
Alfonse scratched the back of his head. Yeah, that hadn’t been a very clear question.
“No. Being a widower.”
There was a pause as Dale searched his face for any sign of lying, even a hint of manipulation.
He couldn’t find any, and the suspicion gave way into a begrudging sympathy.
“Ah. No. You just get stronger. Gimme a moment, this’ll be easier to talk about while eatin’ pie.”
Alfonse nodded, watching as the giant left. He was surprised at how empty the room felt without him. They’d barely been talking for two minutes, and he already felt closer to this stranger than he’d felt with anyone back home in years.
He had a moment to think back on how the dwarves described humans, beyond just their height, and couldn’t help but marvel at the accuracy. To think that this was the one thing you could trust a dwarf to be honest about. What was the phrase that he’d heard at the tavern, all those years ago...
Humans bond with strangers like they’re friends, friends like they're family, and family more than life.
He wondered where he stood on that list. It'd been a while since he'd had a friend.
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