#give myself some more longterm goals. for example ive been worried about art supplies but i told myself today that i should wait to buy more

[sleepygaymerdisease]

ive been thinking. maybe i prioritize drawing stuff a bit too much

#it’s something i do to feel productive but i should be doing a lot of other stuff rn idk 🤔 #at the very least im trying to fix my sleep schedule. and ive been trying to apply to 2 jobs a day. but like huh! i felt really productive #today even though i didnt draw and i think i need to reframe what productivity means in my head. because its a pretty capitalist notion #i dont mean to say that my hobbies are meaningless or stupid or anything like that to be clear. its just that like i used to draw a lot #during classes and stuff to tell myself i was being productive? and relying on that as like. proof that im a smart person or whatever. so im #criticizing my attitude towards art. because in the long term i think defining myself by my hobbies has been a bad idea. i dont have to #prove myself to others. i should be taking care of myself first. #not to keep oversharing but i think ive been depressed for a While and like. idk i should really put more time in talking to ppl? checking #up on friends and family. i want to help people and i think ive thought of that as some faraway goal when i can do that right now. and i #think when i help others i can start to help myself. ill try to wake up early tomorrow again and clean around the house. that usually makes #me kind of angry but i think that i should start scheduling my days again. it really helped me in the dorms to have a checklist of stuff #even though i wouldnt always get the stuff done. and i think that i should start like. planning an entire week instead of going day by day. #give myself some more longterm goals. for example ive been worried about art supplies but i told myself today that i should wait to buy more #until i get a job. and i have some phonecalls to do and i want to cook things and idk. is it dumb to say ive felt a little lost? a lot has #been going on irl and i know i say that all the time but i mean particularly right now. #and i feel like my brain’s been foggy because of it but actually doing stuff today made me feel a lot better. #i still have a lot of stuff to do but i think i can get rid of that anxious overwhelmed depressed feeling one day at a time. at the very #least ill try to clean my room tomorrow. i know that probably sounds like a small thing but like i said a lot of things have felt like too #much. and now i have some motivation. anyway back to drawing. i do have some stuff i plan on drawing of course but i think i should be more #lax instead of treating every drawing like a little project? and that i should give myself the time and the space for irl traditional stuff. #that probably sounds contradictory but i mean like. getting rid of physical clutter (my desk needs to be cleaned off) and mental clutter #(fretting over specific papers/art supplies and costs etc etc.) i also think that ive been purposely a little secretive about what i draw #(not showing wips or telling ppl its contents before i finish) and thats kind of stupid because the anticipation/surprise factor shouldnt #be too big of a deal? for jokes its important sure but i mainly mean like. personal stuff like ocs and things i put more work/time into. i #shouldnt hide it ‘until its ready’ because itll make me anxious. ‘what if they wouldnt like it’ ‘what if its boring’ ‘what if its cringe’ #who fucking cares anymore. its not.. my problem??? i should be enjoying myself???? #oh yeah the original point of this post is actually that i wanted to list the stuff that i want to do but i was also thinkin a lot. so uh #thanks for getting this far. not sure if theres a tag limit actually. anyway. things 2 draw eventually: alisa gave me epic yugioh stickers #and i like the colors so i was thinkin about redrawin/using the color pallets. i keep thinkin about making a game and i want to make mockup #sprites OR focus on locations! :0 i really want to draw little rpg shops u know with someone at the desk and theres all those cool items :)