#gah i want to cry

[soda-sparkss]

auuuuuuguh why can't i just be a silly little plush rabbit slug things..ugh i have to exist and be employed and talk to people auuuuuuuuuuughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh anyways, i revamped my persona a little! and drew him with @chez-cinnamon's Real World Au Howdy!

if you toss him against the wall, he sounds like a bean bag, and he mimics people to leanr how to comunicate...just a giant metaphor for my autism-

had to give howdy chest reduction sourgeryysyry....../j

#auuugh im gonna cry #my social battery is so low #i want to lay down and never speak again #aughhh #why must communication be so hardddddddd #gah suck it up #welcome home #welcome home puppet show #welcome home au #art #artists on tumblr #welcome home howdy #welcome home oc #welcome home fanart #welcome home art #howdy breast reduction surgery.....

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

okay wait laughingstock concept Incoming: so im imagining some of the neighbors (maybe Julie & Frank) noticing that Barnaby & Howdy are a lil fruity, yk yk. and Julie's like damn, i guess we have to play matchmaker here.

so naturally they wind up getting the whole neighborhood involved. everybody's a wingman here. Poppy's dropping hints when Howdy drops off groceries, Wally is constantly asking Barnaby to go get him things from the bodega, etc etc. Howdy and Barnaby are facing this sudden change in town-wide behavior with slight concern and bemusement

eventually - lets say Julie, Sally, and Wally - get Barnaby into the bodega and then abruptly leave like "don't have too much fun without us you two *wink wink nudge nudge*". once they're gone (read: very obviously hiding outside & watching through the window) Barnaby & Howdy turn to each other like:

Barnaby: you think we should tell them we're already married?

Howdy: let them have their fun - they'll figure it out eventually

#dont have the mental fortitude to Draw This but i still wanted to share the thought #'but how would no one notice that theyre literally married' #easy: theyre very relaxed and secure in their relationship. also howdy has a strict 'no pda at work' rule #also because its funny. we can stretch rationality for the Bit cmon now #through the power of the bit Anything is possible #and we all know the neighbors are Peak Sillies so. yk #it strikes me that once they get Bored of the constant 'matchmaking' #barnaby and howdy stage this whole thing where they 'confess' to each other So dramatically and So publicly #they make it an Event #sally is swooning from the drama and spectacle of it all. wally is trying to paint the moment as fast as possible #julie is so excited she's close to passing out. eddie is crying. so is poppy. frank is taking the credit. home is just happy to be there #as soon as barnaby and howdy retreat out of sight they burst out laughing for a solid ten minutes #GAH THE BRAINROT THE BRAINROT #laughingstock #wailing and sobbing they are so so good together and FOR WHAT FUCKING REASON #i cant even put it into words they just Fit! like puzzle pieces! #theres something so natural about em. i look at them and its like. they Would be perfect for each other huh #i already know theyd have such a healthy wholesome relationship They Just Work. Theyre The Dream Couple #howdy says the most confusing sentence ever said. barnaby nods along with genuine love in his eyes. etc. you get it #now watch! canon is gonna absolutely set this on fire! #which would be Fun. painful. but Fun. seriously tho im curious as to how/if barnaby and howdy will interact/develop.... #i mean personally i love it when shit gets messy so i hope it Hurts So Bad or at least Goes Downhill #i hope its a rollercoaster on all accounts

[delyth88]

Loki - season 2, episode 6 series finale -immediate reaction

Okay, so this time I’m gonna have to split this into two posts.  This one is my reaction after just watching the finale, but this time it’s going to be mostly my emotional response, and the more considered post with images will have to wait till later.  I don’t have the heart for it right now.

So yeah, spoilers ahead.

Well that tore out my heart and stamped on it!

I mean it was an utterly perfect story for a character like Loki, but I’m still devastated. I love it. And I hate it.

I love it on a story level.  The whole season was beautifully done! Loki developed so much over the six episodes, and really won my heart back. I fell in love with the gang from the TVA, particularly OB and Mobius, and I warmed to Sylvie and just wanted her to be able to live the quiet life she’s wanted for so long.

I loved that they really went into the depth I had assumed I’d only get in a fic about the different attempts Loki made to fix things by going back in time. They didn’t just gloss over things, they really showed him trying.  I was shocked when after he asked OB how long it would take him to learn everything, he went and spent CENTURIES doing it!  My stomach dropped.  Because can you imagine what that means for someone?  Even someone as long lived as Loki?  What that has to do to your mind? And that should have been the first clue things weren’t going to turn up roses.

Then he finally succeeds! But they don’t show it to us like we’re experiencing that moment, but more as though we’re an observer, rushing through it because it’s yet another repeat. And for one brief moment Loki is happy because he thinks they’ve done it. But no, it turns out to have been an impossible task!

And then he finds out that HWR basically gave him his newfound powers, and that he still had a lot to learn, and then we see THAT HE ALREADY HAD LEARNED! The way they kept dropping the sense of time on us, that sense of dread and urgency. And inevitability. *shivers*

How he tries, and tries, and tries to convince Sylvie, but can’t get through to her, and how he has to contemplate whether he’s the sort of man who could kill her. I loved how he visited Mobius to ask for his advice. My god. What a horrible conversation to have to have.  But what trust he places in Mobius! 

And I loved how he kept refusing to take the easy path. How he decided he couldn’t kill Sylvie, and how he realised there was another way. But OMG at what price!? I can’t….

But I hated how much this hurt Loki, what this took from him.  When the gold from the rock trickles upwards to create a mockery of a throne, which is more a prison… just…. 😭 The look on his face once he knows what he has to do. He had to make the impossible choice, and he chose the impossible.

I love that it kept the tone of tragedy that has haunted Loki all through the MCU.  I love how they were true to his character in that way, but AT THE SAME TIME allowed him to retain his new sense of self, all that growth we’ve shared through this series but also the change that he’s experienced while he’s been isolated during centuries trying to find a way to defeat HWR and keep the people on the branched timelines safe. His desperate act to do the right thing.  And finally it is the right thing in the eyes of the universe and the audience, and yet he still loses. My heart just can’t bear it!

It’s perfect and it hurts.

Tagging @woodelf68 @pinkpondofasgard @projectprotectloki @scintillatingshortgirl19 @juliabohemian @galaxythreads @makerofrunevests @ladyofthestayingpower @thelightofthingshopedfor @sparklegemstone @iamanartichoke

#I just want Loki to be okay #that did not look like the face of someone who thought they'd be okay #and those were not the shoes of someone who expects to be walking around much #my poor boy #will they ever let you be? #*wails* #I'm heartbroken #its not as bad as Infinity War but its still going to take me some time to get over this #but I'm so glad they allowed him to be the serious character this season and for his actions to really matter #his intent to really matter #he did it all for those he loves #and i have to assume he was also thinking about his family and all the people he ever knew on Asgard #gah! #I'm gonna go cry some more now #loki #loki series #loki season 2 #loki spoilers #loki s2 ep6 #loki s2 finale #loki season 2 finale #loki series reaction #loki s2 #loki review #also I know nothing of the comics #so I have no idea if this is what happens in them

[honeypleasejustkillme]

tomorrow is my nineteenth birthday. i can’t believe i’ve lived this long, i didn’t expect to live past sixteen yet alone get to nineteen. this is a crazy thing to process, i still can’t buy anything i want to, still can’t rent a car, still can’t buy a hotel room, still can’t do literally anything but to me it’s still a milestone of how strong i am for continuing to live despite everything.

#actually bpd #bpd problems #bpd vent #actually borderline #actually mentally ill #bpd fp #bpd #bpd shitposting #bpd favorite person #bpd mood #this made me tear up a little bit just because i’ve been through so much and despite not wanting to exist.. having people acknowledge you #despite everything in your life that’s negative is a nice thing to go through #my fp and his sister want to do something small for my birthday and that makes me wanna cry #it was his sisters idea.. she loves me that much she’s willing to throw a mini party for me #dude i truly am so lucky to have him in my life.. he’s given me more strength and support than anyone has ever given me #his sister is so sweet too.. just gah im so in love with him

[adrift-in-thyme]

It’s so difficult loving all the Links

#one moment I’m like SKY MY BELOVED and the next I’m obsessing over warriors #and then the NEXT I’m crying over twilight #of course I have my favorites #but they’re all great in their own ways #gah I just love them all SO MUCH #I want to gather them all into a great big hug #trin rambles #don’t mind me #just got hit with a sudden burst of blorbo passion

[ghosts-and-blue-sweaters]

Ghostbur :(

#I’ve been having so many Thoughts about him today #also today is the Ghostbur Angst Heart Hurty day for some goshdarn reason #I watched that stream where Phil killed him #and Ghostbur was ADORABLE for the entire thing and made me smile a lot #but it also made me sad #because Ghostbur… wanted to die #and he shouldn’t want that #not at freaking all #so that was :( #and I just finished writing one of the angstiest things I’ve ever wrote alsgaksgkaf #about a topic that I… don’t visit very much #partially because it’s one of the rare things that actually makes me SAD—genuinely sad—to write about #annnnd I wrote about that topic + Ghostbur yayyyyy *crawls into bed crying* #the words were flowing don’t get me wrong #this was a good writing day #but like #I feel a bit sad now #gah :( #my post #ghostposting

[sotogalmo]

8:04

Screaming rn

#time diary(?) #audrey/kellie's time diary #fnaf #five nights at freddy's #evan afton #cc afton #crying child #fnaf fic #mike afton #micheal afton #gah i love them tbh ... i want them to be happy. ... #that bloodtype hc tho. makes sososo much sense .....waaaa #he was special. he was rare. he was just a kid #the machine being a mockery of what he wanted to hear .... ougghhh. making me cry rn. along with mrs. afton like. #hallucinating cc n etuffs. i love aus where mrs. afton was a kind ass mother. cared for deeply for her children. but if one is gone #then she just spirals into hell

[sapphicstacks]

Do you have any recommendations for wlw works similar to your style or any that have inspired you?

I am incredibly new to wlw fanfic and I found your writings to be incredibly well written, moving and beautiful. I read all 3 of your works in about a day and tbh I’m respectfully obsessed haha. I would love to get into reading more works similar to this and I didn’t know where to ask or where to even begin to look.

Thank you for creating such a safe, welcoming space with your writing and I look forward to everything you continue to create! I apologize if this isn’t the right space or person to ask a questions like that. Hope you have a good day!

don’t mind me, i’m just going to 🥹🥹 okay, i’m good!

wow, what a beautiful and kind thing to say. to know someone found welcoming and safety in my fics… i don’t think i will ever be able to find the words for how much that means to me.

as for recommendations!

@snowandwolves is a dear, dear friend of mine who i adore with my entire being. i will never stop singing their praises because not only are they just an all-around generally wonderful human being, they are so incredibly talented! that obsession feeling you get is the exact feeling i get when i read their fics! you can find all their fics here! (also… keep an eye out here for the future… 👀👀👀)

@yashastrongarms (puppybusby on AO3) also has some amazing fics to be found here! love thy neighbor was the fanfic that made me write my very first fic. and if you want a “slow burn”, healthy relationship/personal healing vibe similar to my actors au (i say slow burn in the sense of they are slowly become more comfortable not will they/won’t they), their snapshots series is top tier!

there are so many more wonderful works and authors out there but i don’t want to overwhelm you so, start there! let me know what you think!

#don’t mind me just crying at work while reading/writing this post #i just want people to feel safe #gah after some less than ideal interactions with the fandom lately… #wow this really reminded me why i do this #thank you omg sometimes people are truly and genuinely wonderful #🥹🥹🥹🥹 #i don’t even know why this got me so bad #avatrice fic recs #ask sapphicstacks #also i just realized this is just a they/them lesbian author list #hi friends #i love they/them lesbians

[cosmic-kaden]

Hey, I just wanted to tell you that I've been thinking about you a lot. You really are so cute, and that smile of yours lights up the room. Oh, and your laugh? That's a lovely sound. I'm looking forward to spending more time with you soon. I, uh... learned a new sign and I hope you don't laugh at me if I don't get it quite right. But, I really want to show you next time we see each other.

- Paterson

I am grinning ear to ear right now! This was such a lovely surprise to see! I just woke up and I had to respond right away! Letting you know that I think you are really cute too~ You're so sweet and so wonderful, your smile is contagious and your laughter is infectious.

You never fail to make my heart feel like it has skipped a beat and every time you glance my way my stomach takes flight with butterflies.

I cannot wait to see you again sweetheart and I am very excited to see what sign you've learned~ I promise not to laugh<3

xoxoxo

-Kaden 💜

#{ANON I AM S C R E A M I N G. LEGIT JUST WOKE UP AND CHECKED HELLSITE AND THIS WAS SITTING IN MY INBOX AND AHHHH MY FACE IS SO WARM #THIS WAS SO NICE AND GAH PATERSON IS SUCH A SWEETIE AND ANON I HOPE EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO ACCOMPLISH YOU SUCCEED IN AND I HOPE YOU HAVE #THE BEST DAY EVER!} {I'M GONNA CrY /POS} #[SOBS INTO MY HANDS] [THIS IS SO WONDERFUL. /HE/ IS SO WONDERFUL] #From my f/o; #chaos in the mundane #💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

[eddis-not-eeddis]

.

#Gah! I feel stranded and stuck #And the only way to get unstuck is to do the hard and distasteful and (worst of all) boring work #and keep doing it until I can afford to move on #but I DO NOT WANT TO! #I DO NOT WANT TO DO ANYTHING! #(EXCEPT MAYBE SIT HERE AND CRY ABOUT IT!) #ahhhhhhhh #i am so stressed right now #i keep feeling like somehow i've lost my last chance #like there's nothing left for me but this endless miserable contentious existence #where i stay here to be picked to death by people who think they are better than me because they had more options open to them #(it's not that i don't have a lot of people rooting for me...i do!) #(but the weight of their expectations is almost making it worse.) #I am such a mess right now #and it's so much worse because i am trying so hard to look like i have it together #and so many people think I do #i slipped up a bit last week and a few coworkers realized i was hanging by a thread and now they're treating me like i'm made of glass #which is also worse #i am in such a bad place mentally even though i am trying hard to get it together #i keep dropping pieces #okay rant over

[alainapaloosa2]

Literally not to spam my blog with Barbie stuff but I just watched it again and the end finally got me this time-

It’s always the part when Ruth says “and then you die” and Barbie says “Yeah. Yeah…” that gets me so badly it just hurts but in a good way

Like she’s lived her whole life as a doll probably doing the same thing over and over again and never having to worry about what the future holds, and then she went to having thoughts of death and desperately wanting to be fixed, and then to finally choosing to accept death and that while the others in Barbieland will live forever, she won’t and she’s okay with that IT JUST KILLS ME ITS SO GOOD

#I usually don’t cry at movies but every time I watch this movie it builds up more and more and I finally broke this time #there’s just something so special about her development from being terrified of death and wanting to be normal and perfect to being okay #that she won’t live forever and that someday she won’t be around to see how the world is changing (for either better or worse) #GAH #I’m crying rn I can’t even really explain this the way I want to but I tried #barbie movie #Barbie 2023 #also the realization and acceptance in her eyes makes me internally sob Margot I love you #i kind of want to write something about this now but I have no idea how I would

[fle4floves]

Was thinking about them teehee

OHHHHH MY GOD THEY ARE ON A MILKSHAKE DATE .,,,,,, THAT IS SO REAL <33

#im gonna cry u draw Red so small /VERY POS #i want to pick him up like Ball #THE COLOURS IN THIS ??? UR GETTING RLLY GOOD AT THAT #thag bird does NOT seem so angry his ass is SMILLINGGG i see youu #ik what u ARE #the straws <3 d’aw #the colours r genuinely so . SOFT it makes the drawing so cozy 😭 #srry i didnt see this sooner i was busy as heeell 😭 #TYSM AAHHHHH #self ship community #​ask’d & answer’d B) #for moi? 💚💚 #💙RedNBloo❤️ #ZACH HALL OF FAME 🔥 #im gonna need a tag just for u zack u draw so MUCH!! GAH /pospospos

[sea-of-yume]

get yourself a friend whose brother/sibling is so interested in your horrible fic and became even more interested after learning it was an oc x canon fic

#I AM GONNA CRY/pos AIN'T NO WAY #the fact he was so interested after reading a small snippet i want to #PLEASE IT'S A LOVE STORY OF MY OC HELLO??? #and idk why but HE WAS SO GENUINE WITH HIS COMMENT HHH GAH #i can't with this- and he said he waits for more snippets i'm gonna go cry/pos #hi lori i KNOW you see this THIS MEANS NOTHING #mari's rambles !!

[nothinggold13]

In my mind, there is a key similarity between Peter and Caspian’s humility, and what that means for them as Kings, though that humility is shown with a very specific difference: Caspian is asked whether he feels sufficient to become king, but Peter is told that he will be.

Here’s Caspian’s exchange with Aslan:

“‘Welcome, Prince,’ said Aslan. ‘Do you feel yourself sufficient to take up the Kingship of Narnia?’

‘I-- I don’t think I do, Sir,’ said Caspian. ‘I’m only a kid.’

‘Good,’ said Aslan. ‘If you had felt yourself sufficient, it would have been proof that you were not.’“

Now, as Caspian says, he is only a kid. The book describes him as being about Peter’s age (14), while the timeline says he is 13, which tells us that he is, at most, Peter’s own age, and at least, the age Peter was at his own coronation. (Though the book description doesn’t disallow for him being 13, I am personally partial to taking it more literally, and thus view Caspian as being 14 in PC. The timeline is a mess, anyway, so I give myself some freedom. This is inconsequential to the greater point, but is just a general explanation of why I treat his age as open here, even though there’s a “canon” answer.)

So, when Aslan crowns Caspian, he first asks him if he feels sufficient, and then applauds Caspian for his humility. The humility in question is that Caspian doesn’t believe he is sufficient: i.e. enough. That’s the big thing Aslan requires of the people he makes stewards of Narnia: not that they themselves are enough, but that they rely on Him; Aslan is the High King above all High Kings, and when he appoints a King over Narnia, he is choosing not just a leader for His people, but someone who will follow.

Now, how does this apply to Peter?

Here’s Peter’s own conversation with Aslan:

“When the girls had gone Aslan laid his paw -- and though it was velveted it was very heavy -- on Peter’s shoulder and said, ‘Come, Son of Adam, and I will show you the far-off sight of the castle where you are to be King.’

And Peter with his sword still drawn in his hand went with the Lion to the eastern edge of the hilltop. [...]

‘That, O Man,’ said Aslan, ‘is Cair Paravel of the four thrones, in one of which you must sit as King. I show it to you because you are the first-born and you will be High King over all the rest.’

And once more Peter said nothing, for at that moment a strange noise woke the silence suddenly.”

Peter is silent through this entire exchange, though, specifically, the second time we’re told it’s because they are interrupted by Susan’s horn. During this conversation, the only insight into Peter’s thoughts is focused on his view of the castle: “[...] but to Peter it looked like a great star resting on the seashore.” We’re given no reaction for what Peter actually thinks of Aslan telling him he is to be High King... however, we are told how he feels in the moments immediately following:

“For a moment Peter did not understand. Then, when he saw all the other creatures race forward and heard Aslan say with a wave of his paw, ‘Back! Let the Prince win his spurs,’ he did understand, and set off running as hard as he could to the pavilion. [...]

[...] Peter did not feel very brave; indeed, he felt he was going to be sick. But that made no difference to what he had to do.”

So, although the narrator doesn’t tell us what Peter thinks about becoming High King, we are told exactly what he thinks and feels about the first act he is called to do under that role: he doesn’t feel ready. Firstly, it doesn’t occur to him that it is his duty to act until Aslan waves everybody else back, though when he understands, he runs without further hesitation. Secondly, Peter has no confidence in his own actions when he goes to fight the wolf; he’s terrified, even though he doesn’t stop running. But that’s the thing about Peter: he may not feel ready, but he will always do his duty.

Compare this to the movie scene, where Peter is given a chance to respond to Aslan’s statement:

Aslan: That is Cair Paravel, the castle of the four thrones, in one of which you will sit, Peter, as High King. You doubt the prophecy? Peter: No. That’s just it... Aslan, I’m not who you all think I am. Aslan: [...] Peter, there is a Deep Magic more powerful than any of us that rules over all of Narnia. It defines right from wrong, and governs all our destinies: yours and mine. Peter: But I couldn’t even protect my own family!

In the movie, Peter is allowed to express those thoughts that remain internalized in the book: he doesn’t feel ready, and that scares him. Yet, when asked if he doubts the prophecy, Peter says “No,” and then when Susan’s horn sounds, Peter runs off immediately, willing to do what needs to be done. Although the scenes switch Peter’s moments of inaction and action, (holding his silence, but failing to act autonomously in the book, but speaking his fears and running in without hesitation in the movie,) both scenes tell us the same thing about Peter’s character: it doesn’t matter that he doesn’t feel like he is enough, because he will do what is needed, regardless.

Back to Caspian for a moment. While he may not have saved the Narnians from the Telmarines himself, at the time that Aslan asks him whether he feels sufficient, he has already been leading them for several days at least -- perhaps weeks -- even in battle. Caspian has acted as King before. And yet, when the question comes, he still feels he is only a kid: there is no way that he alone is enough. (But he is not alone; Aslan rules before him and beside him, so long as Cas will follow him.)

Peter, meanwhile, has never been King. He has led his family, yes, and done what needed to be done, but he hasn’t acted as King in the way Caspian had by the same point in his story: the moment Aslan tells him he will be King. Peter’s a kid. Peter’s scared. Peter doesn’t understand all that this means for him.

And in the book, Peter says nothing.

After all, Aslan didn’t ask him. He told him.

But if Aslan had asked him, I feel Peter’s response would have been very much the same: Aslan asks, “Do you feel yourself sufficient?” and Peter says, “I don’t think I do. I’m only a kid.” But there is one thing I would add to Peter’s response, only because it is the thing he shows us again and again by his actions: “But I will do it because you ask it of me.”

Peter doesn’t take the role of High King without question because he believes himself to be sufficient; if Peter believed his own power was enough, he would never be King of Narnia at all. But the reason Peter doesn’t question in the book is the same reason he starts running the second he hears his sister’s horn in the movie: he will always do his duty. His silent acceptance could never be, “Yes, of course, I understand completely.” It’s him holding in his doubts, his fears, his uncertainties. It’s the way he says, “If you say so, then I will do it, although I cannot understand.”

Peter is duty-bound. Always. It is that quality which, in the movie, took him from “Look after the others,” to, “You will be High King.” And though in the movie they let him question that which scares him, it never takes away from his willingness to do what needs to be done. I don’t think it’s paradoxical for Peter to show us both: he has always been a man of thought as much as a man of action; hesitant but willful; wavering but faithful; humble and noble, in all he does.

When Caspian is asked whether he feels sufficient, it is not exactly the same as being offered a choice; it’s not as if he says, “I don’t feel ready,” and Aslan says, “Then I won’t ask this of you.” The question is Aslan asking: he is simply asking after Caspian’s heart to rule, not his willingness to.

For Peter, this is already decided. There’s no question. But it’s alright, because he doesn’t need the question. For all his fears, he is still willing. For his own uncertainties, his heart is already growing in Kingship.

They’re different boys, in different circumstances. Both are Kings. Both are only kids. And even though one is asked while the other is told, they are both willing, and it is that obedience which makes them the Kings they are.

#narnia #the chronicles of narnia #peter pevensie #prince caspian #king caspian #caspian x #the lion the witch and the wardrobe #narnia analysis #narnia meta #is this mostly Peter analysis? yes #but I think Caspian creates a necessary lens #basically this is my way of crying once again #about how much I adore hesitant!Peter #him not running into his first battle immediately. #him not wanting to choose the way in PC. #it's why I wrote 'a reflection of closed doors' #and why I made him hesitate before shutting the stable door #because he will ALWAYS do what he is asked to #but sometimes it takes him a moment to understand #gah i love him!! #anyway. enjoy.

[cowboypossume]

:o

#god ptsd triggure warning but FUCK #god #god i hate having this shit so MUCH #like come on REALLY #this thing happened 11 years ago and i read one single line in a textbook and now ive felt like throwing up and crying for the past 6 hours #GAH #UGH #because i know all the right coping things and im doing the right things #its just a really really big emotion #and SO its hard because its something like hard to talk about because my mother will go into this 7 hour rant of 'im such a bad mom' #and my brother blames himself and shuts down #so like it just sits by us on the couch #and ive been to therapy and ive worked through these emotions which is why ive been able to not completely shut downr #and im able to take care of myself in these situations and be kind to my big feels #BUT FUCKING CRIST #I DONT WANT TO HAVE A BREAKDOWN BECAUSE OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED TO ME WHEN I WAS NINE #THATS NOT FAIR #HYGYUGH89DYHC78EDSIGDHY8WEJ9UADJ #time to watch bluey and/or a comfort streamer <3 #venting

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

goodnight

#off to bed and we. shall see. if i keep my streak. i desperately hope i do. #but oh God help me it's hard #i ust want to harm so bad #well really i want to do more than harm but i Won't #i am so tired from work lately #ransom has her first vet appointment tomorrow #i have work tomorrow #it just #all stacking up i don't even know #had mildly difficult/thought provokin convo today #aaaaa i want to jump off my balcony #of course i won't i definitely won't but i Want To #gah i can't even explain why im feeling like this ugh hate it #puddleglum hours #i really need a decent cry but it's all bottled up inside me and the only way i know of releasing that in the way it feelin now is to harm #tw sh #ive been nearly ten and a half days i want to get to at least a fortnight #hmmm gonna bring puter to bed so i can listne to music real quiet tho bc i lost my headphones idk where htey are #watch me Not get much sleep huh #a dnthen be unfit for work tomorrow? its more likely tha you think #i also wish i had a lighter i need to acquire one next time im getting petrol #(no im not a smoker. just a pyromaniac.) #(mostly i have a healthy enough fear of fire after dressing a nasty burn wound on placement last y that i probably wouldn't harm using fire #probably.) #i dont know in my head is all ajumbled mess and i dont see how i am to keep going #and every time i say that i keep going anyhow and that thought makes it feel like im overreacting to all this which. of course i am. #nothin but a fool a very tired helpless useless one #was playing the piano earlier. played a movt from a concerto to which ive set words to a section at least (not the full thing yet) #'and though the night seems endless/until the storm has passed/still i will hope in God my trust/i will follow him' #my favourite lines from that