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G1 Episode 41: Transcript

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Stinger]

S: What's his face- the one that you said Rodimus would make out with-?

O: I like that!

[Intro music]

O: Hello, and welcome to the Afterspark Podcast, an episode by episode recap of the Generation 1 Transformers cartoon! I'm Owls!

S: And I'm Specs.

O: And today we're going to be talking about episode number 41: Making Tracks. Let's talk about giant robots today, shall we?

S: Sure, let's do it. Once upon a time in New York City, something, something, cars being pretty-

O: So we open up with two punks in the background on a rather beat up pink car.

S: In the foreground we see a blue corvette stingray with a large winged Autobot logo on its hood.

O: ‘Cause it's a Tracks episode y'all!

S: One of the punks says, “Those wheels are rude!”

O: Wait, wait is that- was that actual 80’s slang? I feel like I've never actually heard that used by, you know, a person.

S: Neither have I and I don't know- neither of us existed then, which I guess dates us rather.

O: We were but a twinkle in our fathers’ eyes.

S: Apparently, Tracks is just what they've always wanted as the two punks pick his door locks and hop on in.

O: One gets into the driver's seat and the other spots an expensive looking red boom box in the back seat.

S: They jam to some tunes on our buddy Blaster.

O: I'm really confused, why do they not just use Track’s stereo?

S: Maybe they're listening to whatever cassette Blaster has got in his player.

O: Ah, yes, the soothing sounds of Eject. Please note: Eject does not actually appear in this episode.

S: Yep, he is Sir-not-appearing-in-this-film today.

O: Because Soundwave is allowed to have buddies but Blaster does not get any for a while, I swear.

S: They're on break. They're always on break.

O: They're always on break.

S: The two punks drive the new joy ride to a shady warehouse and meet an even shadier man.

O: Apparently Tracks is only worth $800.00, which is still too little- even adjusted for inflation at $2526.99.

S: Oh, that's so accurate.

O: Thank you, inflation calculator.

S: I would think that he'd be worth, you know, closer to $8000.00 in current, uh, US dollars but this is probably a chop shop and they're definitely not getting paid market value if we're here- for anything here.

O: I’d say they're getting ripped off, even.

S: Yeah.

O: So Tracks says nothing about this clear insult but transforms into robot mode, scattering all the humans.

S: One of the punks is still carrying Blaster, who transforms and picks up both the punks like two naughty little kittens.

O: The shady chop shop guy makes it just outside the door before running headlong into Optimus and then he pulls a gun on Optimus and shoots at him.

S: And it's a laser gun, no less. How did this man get a laser gun?

O: Though the power of 80’s cartoons and they're not allowed to use real bullets.

S: Oh maybe this should have been our first, uh, hint about who our true enemies are on this episode.

O: Perhaps, maybe.

S: The Autobots head on back to Sparkplug’s garage after, you know, finishing busting up that chop shop

O: Is this a new thing that Sparkplug’s acquired since getting chummy with the Autobots or has he had this this entire time?

S: He's the most interesting man in the world, I mean it could be either.

O: It really could, but to make this more confusing when they arrive back at the garage it really does look like an Autobot construction of some sort, not a man-made one.

S: It's even Autobot orange, how about that?

O: Hey, you know, do you- do you think they went shopping for just the right Earth paint color to match? Like they can- or did they have paint on the Ark? I-I have concerns, I have questions.

S: Someone probably went and got, you know, color swatches and compared them to the Ark.

O: They made Sunstreaker do it.

S: Oh, Sunstreaker, Tracks, and they went and, you know, got Carly because she had better color vision than Spike.

O: Obviously. So Tracks talks about how he likes New York and he could stay here forever.

S: His teammates poke fun at Tracks cosmopolitan preferences, even saying he'd rather hang out with humans than them.

O: Okay, so apparently Tracks is so attracted to humans even before meeting Raoul that the other Autobots regularly kink shame him about it.

S: Oh, he just cares about the culture. He's a man of culture-

O: [Laughter] Uh-huh, uh-huh.

S: If you will.

O: Sure.

S: Our current New York roster includes not only Optimus, Blaster, and Tracks, but also Powerglide, Cosmos, Seaspray, and Hoist and Huffer.

O: Yay, Cosmos!

S: It's gonna be a weird, weird day for New York.

O: Yeah, they must be used to it by now. Optimus sends these various Autobots out to patrol the area but Tracks walks off in a huff to go take a drive.

S: And apparently the state of New York City is so bad in the 80’s that immediately after getting on the road three dudes run out into the street and try to rob whomever they think is driving Tracks.

O: Those windows are either tented or these are the dumbest robbers in existence who are trying to rob an empty car.

S: They're opportunists. Dumb opportunists, because they are in fact the dumbest robbers in the world as they eventually realize that there is definitely no one in that damn car.

O: And they also have laser guns and shoot at Tracks.

S: One of the shots hits his tire and he goes careening into a convenient lamp post.

O: Obviously, Tracks is devastated by the cosmetic damage.

S: He has discovered that New York is not all bright lights and fancy shit.

O: It's also men with laser guns.

S: Tracks tries to transform but apparently getting dinged up like that was just too much damage.

O: A young man sees Tracks and is basically like, “Oh well, it's damaged but still a sports car. I'm going to take it home with me.”

S: What he actually says is: “Well, apparently nobody wants you so that makes you mine,” like, that is not how that works Raoul!

O: Haven’t you read fanfic? Of course that's how that works!

S: Well, considering some of the random accidental baby acquisition things that I've read-

O: What!? [laughter] Baby acquisition was the thing that got said to me today! I had to hear it now so do you, dear listeners.

S: Let's put it this way sometimes fanfic is very weird.

O: Indeed.

S: Accidental acquisition- accidental baby acquisition. ...Yeah, no, that is not how any of that stuff works. Tracks is currently unable to drive and the man enlists some people to help push him into an abandoned lot of some sort.

O: Of course, this young man, as we alluded to earlier, is Raoul and he, again, comments on whoever owned Tracks before, he owns him now.

S: Tracks replies, “Nobody owned me, I'm mine.”

O: Raoul did not expect his new car to talk to him tonight.

S: Well, I think if I was Raoul i would have, uh, maybe taken a step back to-

O: Rethink my life choices?

S: Yeah, but so- yeah, Tracks asks Raoul to repair him and we find out that Raoul intends to sell him, presumably because he has promised a car to two dangerous characters named the Geddis brothers by midnight.

O: Raoul says, “The first time I try to steal a car and I get one with a big mouth.”

S: Track is being somewhat snooty about however Raoul got car parts at this time of night but Raoul's not in the mood to get, you know, a lecture from a car.

O: He pops open Tracks’s hood and comments on “What the hell is all this machinery?” only, you know, without the hell because we are talking about an 80’s cartoon, before snipping an innocent looking wire.

S: Cutting said innocent, delicate, little wire completely incapacitates Tracks.

O: Because, apparently, that's the main cable to his computer and that seems like quite a design flaw. I hope that doesn't become important in any way, shape, or form later in this episode!

S: [Laughter] Hint.

O: Hmmmmmm..

S: Sea spray is patrolling the river and is cranky about humans being litter bugs.

O: While Powerglide and Cosmos report to Prime that they have not seen any Decepticons or Tracks.

S: Hoist complains about being stuck in traffic due to a car accident and hops out of Huffer to help.

O: Which is hilarious because Huffer is shorter than him in robot mode but Hoist apparently has no problem riding in him.

S: And when we say riding in him, we mean riding in his cab, not in his back seat or you know-

O: Whatever you want to take that as an innuendo for.

S: Well, that wasn't what I was thinking- I was just- he's not riding in like a pickup truck bed or something.

O: Oh, yeah, okay I get ya. Huffer laments that they can't all just fly like Tracks before we cut back to Tracks and Raoul.

S: Tracks is looking much better as this front end has been hammered out and, you know, fixed up and Raoul is in the process of polishing him.

O: Which I'm sure Tracks is appreciating.

S: Mm-hm. Two large, adult men have apparently stopped by to shake this teenage boy down.

O: These are the Geddis brothers and they want their car and even call Raoul a bad little boy.

S: Yeah, that's, um, well I mean that's incredibly creepy, by which I mean it's the creepiest thing they could have possibly said.

O: In this exact scenario, yes. Raoul’s in immediate danger! Cut to commercial.

S: Or Shockwave modeling, you know, striking a pose.

O: And after we're done with that, uh, we're back and, uh, these guys insinuate they're going to give Raoull his own set of cement shoes.

S: Well I guess they're part of the mafia or something?

O: I don't know what they are but yeah they're like, “Uh, can't give us a car? Murder.”

S: Yeah, and then Tracks comes to the- well, comes to the rescue by driving up and transforming and putting the intimidation on and because, you know, and the guy's grand plan to get away from the giant metal man is to chuck Raoul at him.

O: Who is, obviously, caught gently in Tracks’s hands and is totally fine.

S: Tracks is a very careful fellow.

O: Yes, I would hope so.

S: So the two Geddis brothers hop in their car and speed off.

O: Cue a not so high-speed car chase as Tracks transforms and chases after them with Raoul in tow.

S: Passing by such renowned New York locations as the Casablanca Abba Cafe.

O: Don't forget about the Appliance Store and Bar or, quite possibly, the Store and Bra. We can't tell.

S: It's unclear. Also the Fashion Forker.

O: Because I don't know what was going on with these names but, boy, are they a joy to read. Raoul thinks that they have lost the Geddis brothers but Tracks says, “Hardly,” and takes to the air.

S: And it is at this point that, uh, rap- Tracks finally introduces himself to Raoul.

O: Yeah, Raoul's basically just been calling him ‘car’ this entire time, I think.

S: I'd rather suspect Tracks has been pouting over that.

O: Probably. Uh, Raoul and Tracks do lose sight of the guys near the docks and head back to the empty lot from before.

S: Tracks has reached the conclusion that the Geddis brothers are working with the Decepticons.

O: Which, you'd think, if you were working closely with either the Autobots or the Decepticons, you'd take the time to learn their damn badge colors so you don't accidentally ruin your entire plans by mouthing off to the wrong bot, because I don't remember what the Geddis brother said to Tracks but they were, like, “Wait? What are you doing here?” or something, I think, to Tracks.

S: Yeah, something like that and, I mean, it's an 80’s cartoon. Nobody's getting points for intelligence here, except maybe Perceptor.

O: Because Percy always gets intelligence points. Tracks asks Raoul to take him to where the brothers are storing the stolen cars and Tracks says he's going undercover... as a stolen car.

S: Again!

O: You know, because that's what you just spent all night doing.

S: He knows what he is. He knows he wants- he knows he has to be the damsel in distress here. They arrive down at the docks and see a parade of cars on a bridge crossing the Hudson into Jersey.

O: I regret to inform you that at this time we are legally obligated to make a New Jersey joke. A-hem! Of course the Decepticons are in [New] Jersey!

S: Ah, the Geddis brothers crossed the bridge and Tracks and Raoul will follow.

O: Back with Powerglide, he reports spotting Starscream to Optimus.

S: Starscream realizes pretty quickly that he's being followed and tries to lose Powerglide but is shot at by Cosmos who wishes him a terrible day.

O: You know, considering the last time they met, I can hardly blame Cosmos for not liking him.

S: Neither can I because, yeah.

O: That whole idol thing? It just didn't go over super well, you know.

S: Yeah. Starscream lands and transforms, running into a shopping mall that somehow- somehow scale to fit them. Roughly.

O: And somehow still open. Like Tracks, earlier, kind of insinuated it was rather late at night, but whatever! Cosmos and Powerglide follow him in but Starscream opens fire on both of them and the smattering of humans in this huge- again- very empty mall.

S: Yep. Powerglide and Cosmos repeatedly lose sight of Starscream, who really should still be in their line of sight.

O: Because he's like one floor up from them! That's how this is going, essentially and so I'm just like, “Do you two need your optics checked?”

S: Maybe!

O: Ratchet, it's time for an eye exam!

S: Yeah, time to check out their sensors. Starscream gets the drop on them again and knocks them off a higher level of the mall before escaping via smashing through the ceiling.

O: Because nobody can use a fucking door.

S: Yeah, no one can really use a door here. Powerglide and Cosmos report into Optimus who, based on Starstream's escape direction, concludes the Decepticons are in New Jersey and most likely the Pine Barrens.

O: Pine Barrens!? I am now massively disappointed by the lack of Jersey Devil in this episode.

S: I don't think they have the budget for the Jersey Devil.

O: I mean, if you've seen the Jersey Devil- I- Honestly, I am devastated, devastated! I did not get to see great Transformers’ animation for this demonic beast, because I want it so bad.

S: Maybe the Jersey Devil will appear in some other iteration of Transformers at some point.

O: But will he be-

S: Just imagine it.

O: But will it be bad 80’s animation, Specs?

S: Well, someone could do, um, Transformers versus American cryptids and potentially do it with bad 80’s animation.

O: That sounds like a delight. However, speaking of the Pine Barrens, the Geddis brothers drop off all the cars and then they send all the drivers back to the city on a bus.

S: Of course, the camera pans over to the right and we see Megatron who was apparently in, uh, plain sight this entire time or showed up extremely stealthily in the last five seconds.

O: The Geddis brothers having delivered the shit ton of cars, asked Megatron where their million dollars is. Megatron being Megatron just aims his fusion cannon at them and says, “Right here.”

S: They shoot at Megatron with their teeny little peashooter laser guns which is just as ineffective against him as they've been against all the other giant robots that have been shot at in this episode.

O: The two humans manage to dodge the fusion cannon blast and presumably run off into the woods.

S: Tracks and Raoul are in the trees nearby and Tracks only just now attempts to contact Optimus but is unable to due to a broken radio.

O: Soundwave and Rumble are loading cars into a giant conveyor belt as Tracks gets closer to investigate.

S: Tracks is really pulling a Daphne this episode, it feels like.

O: [Laughter] It really is.

S: As the cars are pulled into the building Scrapper is waiting just inside with a giant sword- I keep wanting to say laser sword but I don't remember- and he hits them with the sword. Tracks is not happy about possibly becoming robot sushi and the wire repair from earlier conveniently chooses that moment to fall to pieces.

O: Raoul used electrical tape, or at least it certainly looks like electrical tape, and speaking from experience- electrical tape does not just fall apart like that!

S: It's plot.

O: [Laughter] I know it's plot but they should have used, I don't know, like masking tape or something that doesn't stick very well.

S: It’s plot.

O: [Laughter] Oh, right, right, right, right- switching my brain to off.

S: Raoul notices that Tracks isn't moving and whisper-shouts at him to get out of there.

O: Tracks is immortal danger, time for a commercial break.

S: Raoul runs out and yells at the nearby Cons that they'd better not touch his car.

O: Megatron gives him a look that can only be described as “Where the fuck did this one come from? We had gotten rid of the humans.”

S: Unfortunately, humans are a bit of an infestation, Megatron.

O: Raoul-

S: They will turn up wherever.

O: They truly will, and then Raoul lies and says he had a bomb in his car.

S: Raoul goes big.

O: Megatron then threatens him with his fusion cannon for a bit, uh, because he wants him to remove the non-existent bomb.

S: Starscream and Soundwave are just, you know, chilling nearby.

O: Rumble was just here. Is he on coffee break?

S: Probably.

O: [Laughter] See, the Decepticons have legally mandated breaks is what I'm getting from this.

S: They stop at the conveyor belt and Raoul fixes Tracks, who quickly transforms and opens fire.

O: And then the two of them basically run away.

S: Yep, and Ravage and Rumble follow on foot.

O: So much for that coffee break, but now Tracks is running low on energy because he's kind of been all over the place tonight.

S: He feels faint.

O: And he plans to make his last stand in robot mode.

S: Hey, you do what you got to do, I suppose. But Raoul runs off, trying to draw the cassettes away.

O: And Ravage nearly gets him before being tackled out of nowhere by Sideswipe.

S: Bee and Jazz arrive as well and the three of them chase off the Cassettes.

O: Tracks and Raoul are brought back to the Autobot base or Sparkplugs’ garage anyway, and shortly after the missing cars which were modified by the Decepticons begin to enter the city.

S: Optimus, Ratchet, and Blaster attempt to stop as many as possible on a bridge. I mean, good idea: natural choke point.

O: Right but then all the cars transform into robots and fire on the group of Autobots.

S: Meanwhile Bee, Sideswipe, Inferno, and Tracks take on the cars that have already entered the city.

O: Thankfully the cars are terrible shots and miss the Autobots. Unfortunately, they end up hitting a nearby skyscraper and it gets on fire now.

S: Inferno goes to play King Kong and climbs up to put it out and then Ironhide, Huffer, and Windcharger engage another group of cars.

O: I love that when these Decepticon cars transform all of their robot modes are the exact same red and yellow color scheme despite their vehicle modes all being different colors.

S: Um, the- the Decepticons got all of that, uh, got all that paint on discount or something.

O: [Laughter] Obviously.

S: On the bridge, Ratchet examines one of the downed cars and realizes they're being, you know, they're remote controlled.

O: So they broadcast a jamming signal and all the nearby cars, at least, stop.

S: The Autobots then head to the Pine Barrens to destroy the Decepticon base of the week that Tracks and Raoul found before.

O: Optimus yells, “We're putting your company into bankruptcy, Megatron!” Did Cybertron have bankruptcies?

S: Either that or the Autobots have been very well educated on Earth's financial systems which I would not put past, you know, Prowl insisting that they know.

O: Right my brain just went- obviously, Spike told them about this. Then they were educated about Earth financial institutions by a 14 year old boy mostly just because it's funnier.

S: Oh and probably, uh, Sparkplug coming in and having to-

O: Correct him?

S: Re-educate them.

O: [Laughter] Anyway bankruptcies aside, another firefight ensues.

S: Raoul has the power of a crowbar and God on his side and runs into the building to destroy the control panel but is quickly snatched up by Megatron.

O: So, wait, you're telling me that not only did Raoul just march off into that building, by himself, to wreck shit but also that Megatron was prescient enough to go inside and stop him despite being outside three seconds ago?

S: Yep.

O: Alright then.

S: Megatron walks back outside with Raoul and tells the Autobots they’d better stop firing.

O: Raoul, to his credit, is attempting to get out of Megatron's hand this entire time.

S: Tracks is threatening to turn Megatron into scrap metal, himself, if he harms Raoul.

O: Again, they've known each other for, like, a couple of hours, tops. They're, like, ride or die, it's great.

S:Mm-hm. Unable to get out of Megatron's grasp, Raoul reaches into his coat and pulls out a can of spray paint, mashes a button on Megatron's torso, opens a panel and then sprays paint into it.

O:This is apparently enough to completely incapacitate Megatron, who falls onto the ground.

S: Soundwave and Rumble grab Megatron and fly off to the main Decepticon HQ.

O: And they're never seen again. Obviously not. But, uh, a well-placed shot from Tracks causes the entire building to go up in flames.

S: Well, that was, uh, incredibly badly built.

O: Are you insinuating that the Constructicons have shoddy workmanship?

S: Well, they may not have been the ones called in to do that this week.

O: I mean, fair. He has so many. Even the Constructicons need a break.

S: Back in New York all the Decepticon cars are parked in and around Sparkplug’s garage.

O: They plan to fix them all and return them to their actual owners but Sparkplug’s not sure if Ratchet and him can handle it, even with Wheeljack helping out.

S: Raoul takes this as his cue to leave but Tracks walks over and picks him up and drops him next to a nearby car, apparently volunteering his labor.

O: The two bicker good-naturedly as the episode ends. So they are a couple now, right? Right?

S: Mm-hmm.

O: Yes!!

S: Or at least ride or die buddies, who may eventually evolve into a couple.

O: For clarification they're not actually in a romantic relationship because this was the 80’s but there is some fanfic which we have for recommendations in a moment but join us next time for: The Autobot Run. In which the Autobots will do no running... because they will not have legs.

B: [Laughter]

S: Oh yeah. It's a race, dudes. So, Owls has, uh, our fanfic recommendations for today. If you would like to take it away?

O: Uh, if you're not aware from my jokes during this episode, I actually really like Tracks and Raoul as a pairing so I just actually had these all ready, uh, which doesn't happen that often. Um, so our two picks for today are: “Danger, Sudden Swerve” by Chibibee or, uh, Rebecky_Mo in parentheses. It is G1 Cartoon, it is PG-13, it's slash, our pairing is Tracks and Raoul. Our characters are Tracks and Raoul, and in summary, “All it takes is one wrong turn to find yourself somewhere new and amazing.” Uh obviously this is based on this episode having Tracks in it and it is a collection of shorts.

O: And then our second fic for today is: “Following the Tracks” by LittleMissSweetgrass. Continuity is actually Transformers Prime for a change. It is rated T, it is slash again, characters and pairings are Tracks and Raoul although I do want to point out that there's actually a lot of characters from a lot of different continuities that get pulled into this one which makes it a lot of fun. So a lot of the human characters from IDW show up, um, as well as some Autobots that basically got humanized as human characters within the context of they were in relationships with some of the other human characters but, uh, it's really neat- it's nice to see some of these characters that have basically not popped up in anything for years like, uh, is it Asteria or Astoria? Uh, the one that's in love with Powerglide.

S: Yeah.

O: She pops up-

S: I don’t actually remember her- I don't remember her name, I'm afraid.

O: I bet- but her, the rich chick, uh, pops up. So does Chip. It's really nice, definitely recommend, uh, it is unfortunately ongoing so has not completed yet, so I'm, like, it's- it's very good and I read every single update, uh, but in summary, “At the start of Transformers Prime they mentioned that it's been three years since the last Decepticon attack but what if it was also the last time they lost a team member? Tracks was attacked and abandoned in New York City with no way to contact his fellow Autobots. It just so happens that he meets a young man that will help him survive amongst the humans until he can make it back to his team. But what if they can't make it back to them before they leave Earth?” And again it's a Tracks/Raoul recommendation.

S: I know I need to read that one.

O: It's just- it's okay I have had the worst time keeping up with fics this year because 2020 is the gift that keeps on giving. I realize this will get posted in 2021 but we are recording it at the end of 2020.

S: Yeah, it's been a bad year, folks but I think you already know that.

O: Most people do anyway. So our, uh, [art] recommendation for today is Lantana, uh, they have a Tumblr and a Pixiv and their thing is chibis basically, uh, kind of, uh, that's a bit of an oversimplification but their colors are lovely and they have some very super-super-super-duper cute chibi robots. They're soft, they're colorful, I love them, and I want to give them all hugs. So, uh, some of the ones we're recommending: one of them is, uh, it's basically at least an IDW-esque Megatron but done up as a medic. That makes a lot more sense if you've read the comics, I'm sure, um, and then there's one where, uh, they decide- where his Decepticons decide to get him a birthday present. That birthday present is basically a, you know, a captured and tied up Optimus Prime in a giant present box.

S: Tied up with a big pink ribbon.

O: Of course. And then our other one is a Soundwave with a bunch of itty-bitty kitties and him feeding them. It is super cute.

S: Like, initially, I thought that this was a weird Polly Pocket situation where Soundwave had a Polly Pocket house for cats in his chest- it does not but-

O: That would be funny. They've also got a lot more stuff they've posted since I added them to our recommendation list, that is also gorgeous including some Shattered Glass stuff which, because, I love Shattered Glass and there's not a ton of stuff of it, so, uh, yeah, check out their work. It's lovely.

S: Yeah, it's really pretty. I really like the Soundwave and cats.

O: It's- it's just- it's so cute.

S: It is very cute and that about wraps it up for us today. Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned. You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter at AftersparkPod (all one word) and various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast such as AO3, iTunes, Spotify, and Youtube, just to name a few. And feel free to send us questions on Tumblr, Youtube, or AO3! Till next time, I'm Specs.

O: I’m Owls.

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

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afterspark-podcast · 3 years

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Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: Transcript

[This can also be found on AO3!]

[Intro Music]

O: Welcome back to the madness of King Bay or the second live action Transformers movie, Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.

S: And our second anniversary episode!

O: [laughs] Yay?

S: I sounded way too perky for that.

O: [laughs] As with the first live-action film if you like Revenge of the Fallen then this may not be the episode for you. But we'll be back soon with G1 episode 41! So please join us then.

S: Mm, Revenge of the Fallen came out in 2009, still starring Shia LaBeouf and still directed by Michael Bay-

O: It is- [laughs] Yeah, I know, pity. Uh, it is frequently considered the worst of the live-action films which is concerning that both Age of Extinction and The Last Knight have even lower ratings on Rotten Tomatoes.

S: That takes some doing.

O: Right!?! [laughs]

S: Uh-huh. Technically, even Dark of the Moon has a lower audience score than this one, but a higher critic score. So, um... make of that what you will?

O: Basically, what we're saying is until Bumblebee came out the uh, series hit its peak with its first movie [laughs]

S: Mm-hm.

O: But! Let's get started today by talking about our initial experiences with this particular film.

S: I don't think I saw this in theaters, and I found it really unmemorable. Uh, aside from there being a few characters that stood out that I still enjoy, but they're very few and far between.

O: Okay, so if you remember in the last- the previous [Bayverse] episode? I didn't remember where I saw the first movie. I remember EXACTLY when I saw this movie because I watched it in theaters for a bachelorette party. Personally, I found the concept of watching a manly action film for a bachelorette party to be fucking hilarious, and I still do! But I really wish it had been for a better movie. I don't remember having much of an opinion on it when I watched it, but I also didn't watch the third movie in the series until literally the last couple of years when I was blazing through a fuck ton of Transformers media. So, I clearly didn't care enough to see the continuation in theaters or even rent or borrow it until well after had been released.

S: We begin, yet again, with narration from the one and only Peter Cullen!

O: According to our opening scene uh, you know, the last movie is not the first time that Earth had been visited by Cybertronians.

S: Ah, shocking! We are shown some craggy mountains populated by ancient humans with spears.

O: Said ancient humans come across a huge Cybertronian installation of some sort and a bunch of Cybertronians.

S: Mm-hmm. Ominous. And then there's a weirdly ancient Egyptian or alien-esque Cybertronian with a staff that's apparently in charge.

O: Several humans are squished, and presumably they're all destroyed before we move on to Shanghai, China in the modern day.

S: Oh, will this be relevant? Who knows!

O: Maybe! Maybe! Maybe.

S: We see the Autobots and the military guys from the last movie now working together to hunt down the remaining Decepticons.

O: The combined group is named N.E.S.T. Short for, “Non-biological Extraterrestrial Species Treaty.”

S: Oh, that's a mouthful.

O: It is, so hence ‘N.E.S.T.’

S: Yeah. There have been some additions to the Autobot roster.

O: Which for simplicity's sake we're going to talk about them now, because they don't really do a lot-

S: Yup.

O: -in the movie. And they do show up (kind of) in that last section but again, very few of them even have lines. I- I think aside from Optimus, the character with the most lines might actually be Ironhide?

S: Yeah. Um, Sideswipe, not a lot of his personality from G1 or any other iteration for that matter is carried over in this, unfortunately. Instead of being a Lamborghini he's apparently decided to channel Tracks and is instead a Corvette Stingray.

O: And yet, still no Sunstreaker to be found, much to my frustration.

S: Jolt, a new character who's not in the movie except at the very end and he has very few fleeting shots in between and has no lines despite his bio saying he's come to Earth to join Optimus’ group in the last two years since the first movie. He seems to use electric whips. [makes whip noises]

O: [laughs]

S: And ah, promptly dies in the Dark of the Moon prequel comic.

O: So he never really does get to do anything.

S: Yeah.

O: So then we have Arcee, Chromia and Elita One. They are referred to as the ‘Arcee Sisters,’ or if you want to get really confusing, the ‘Arcee Twins’!?

S: [laughs]

O: Even though there's three of them-- at some point.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, but instead of, you know, their- them being referred to by individual names. Apparently, they were written as one entity and while it depends somewhat on what real- related media you're looking at, the three of them are commonly portrayed as a multi-component Transformer much like Reflector. They have very little personality, and they do very little in the movie. Their alt modes are all motorcycles. Arcee is pink or red, depending on the toy, Chromia is blue, and Elita One is purple. Their robot modes sort of resemble Thrust from Beast Machines as they have no legs and function like weird sentient unicycles.

S: Yep, and then there's Skids and Mudflap. Oh boy, where do we start with these two? Well, uh, first, there's definitely someone out there who could have given a better breakdown on this than two random white ladies. Uh, awkward… sorry.

O: Yeah, just in advance we are both white women, we do not know what we're talking about here from a personal perspective.

S: Yeah, so we're just going to sum it up with an extremely uh- in an extremely generalized way. There was a lot of backlash for these two characters due to them possessing a number of racist african-american stereotype- stereotypical traits that at worst point to the people involved being racist in their own regard, or at best, really not thinking through how this was going to come across to the audience. They've been referred to as comic relief in the same vein as Jar Jar Binks at several points. Which is I think a good comparison for our purposes, and unlike the other five characters we just rattled off, these two will feature somewhat prominently in the movie so we'll talk more about them as they pop up.

O: At least kind of in vague sentences because as we said, none of the characters really do very much in this movie.

S: Yeah…

O: Even the ones that are in there for the bulk of the movie, don't do very much in this movie.

S: Yeah.

O: And then our returning Autobots from the first movie are Optimus Prime, Bumblebee, Ironhide, and Ratchet.

S: Mm-hm.

O: We see N.E.S.T. surround a construction vehicle that transforms into a huge ass robot mode and begins wrecking shit.

S: Yep. Things go boom and everything's extremely orange and blue regarding the lighting and environment. The second car Decepticon is spotted nearby and he tries to evade N.E.S.T. but is almost immediately bisected by Sideswipe.

O: We don't even really get to see his robot mode either- like, he sort of vaguely transformed I think, to like, crash through a building and then was- turned back into a car and was immediately killed by Sideswipe.

S: Yup. Optimus is fucking airdropped from a plane-

O: [laughs]

S: Uh, to take on the construction vehicle Decepticon.

O: I- I'm pretty sure they just really wanted that shot of a semi driving off a damn plane.

S: Yeah.

O: Which I mean, okay, fair, it's a cool shot but still. Uh, so then we see Optimus transform midair deploying some parachutes that have the Autobot logo on them... for some reason.

S: Is branding that important to the Autobots or their allies? Plus, uh, someone's gonna need to go collect those later.

O: I wanna know why he landed in the middle of a highway- in robot mode!

S: No one here seems to think critically about any of this stuff when they're effectively undercover.

O: Apparently not.

S: I mean how many people with cell phones are taking photos and video of this? TONS!

O: Tons! That becomes somewhat relevant later.

S: Even though people are still being evacuated.

O: Well, yeah- it said people were being evacuated but then to all these- all these shots that happen here, you still see a bunch of cars on the road.

S: Yeah.

O: While this is all happening.

S: And people still in their homes.

O: Yeah!

S: Optimus catches the rogue Decepticon who tells him menacingly, “The Fallen shall rise again!”

O: Hey, if it gets me out of this movie faster I for one welcome our Fallen overlord.

S: Unfortunately, we've got like, another two hours to go.

O: [sighs] Fuck.

S: And now in a completely different movie! Sam is getting ready to leave for college.

O: His parents are having very different reactions. His dad can't seem to wait for him to leave, while his mom is tearing up at every little thing that reminds her of Sam. Apparently, his dad's got plans for his room, and I'm thinking, “Man cave- how creative.”

S: Ah, he wants his personal theater system, I guess. After being hugged by his sobbing mother, Sam comments that, “You see this Dad? This is how you're supposed to react when the fruit of your loins goes into- out of the cruel world to fend for himself.” Okay, god that is such a cringe line.

O: I don't want to think about the fruit of that man's loins. I don't want to think about that man's loins at all, okay!?

S: Neither do I, that's why it's so cringy.

O: Yeah- yeah, thanks- thanks for that Sam.

S: [sighs] We are treated to an awkward moment when Sam's dad spanks his mom on the butt as she walks away. Sam is disgusted- I guess he is our audience surrogate in this moment.

O: His dad then tries to play it off as, “It's like a coach,” and NO that does not make it better! [laughs]

S: That actively makes it worse! Sexual harassment is not okay. Sam is apparently the first Witwicky to go to college.

O: I have questions. Again, what the fuck does Sam's dad do that allows them to have this huge house that didn't require a college degree at any point!? Who knows! Uh, the Witwicky’s have apparently got another dog since the last movie, uh, so just another thing to add to this movie-- dog humping.

S: Lots of dog humping, in their dog condo. It's kind of unsettling.

O: I don't know why they thought that this needed to be in the movie, but here we are.

S: Mikaela calls Sam, intending to break up with him- she is the most emotionally mature person in this movie.

O: Yep, pretty much! They talk, uh, Sam insinuates that they're going to be entering a long-distance relationship while he's at college.

S: While they're talking, Sam pulls out an old ripped t-shirt. His D-Day shirt as he refers to it. Which is apparently, the shirt that he was wearing during the battle in Central City from the first movie.

O: This is important! This is a plot point!

S: Yeah, we also have to assume that he has never washed the nasty shredded clothes from that day. Because, I suppose, he wants to hold them and relive the memories of being chased by giant alien robots that wanted to murder him.

O: [laughs] No clue. Uh, Sam does try to convince Mikaela to move near the college he's going to, but she refuses.

S: Her father's been released from jail since the first movie, and she insists on needing to take care of him. That should not be poor Mikaela's responsibility, but she is the most responsible person in this movie as I said.

O: Well, and I get it, right? Like, her dad just got out, presumably she has not seen- really been able to live with him for years. She's both worried about him, and probably wants to spend time with him.

S: Yeah, that's fair. Convenient plot device is convenient, as a sliver of the AllSpark falls off of Sam's shirt while he's on the phone to Mikaela.

O: It seems to zap Sam and then he drops it.

S: When it lands on the floor it burns its way through the floor and into the kitchen bringing a bunch of kitchen appliances to life.

O: They all attack Sam.

S: How did they get ammo? Does just being brought to life just give them ammo?

O: Uh, dear god, why does one of these things have a penis? That's my question. Furthermore, why is it shooting things OUT OF ITS PENIS!?!

S: Because... Michael Bay.

O: I had- yeah, that's all I got, man.

S: Bumblebee bursts out of the garage and begins shooting at the little Decepticons, saving Sam's sorry ass yet again.

O: Maybe Bee should be trying to smash them instead of shooting at them? They're on the front lawn at this point so all I can think is- their neighbors have to be able to see this!

S: I thought this was in the back lawn, but I'm not sure.

O: I- they're outside, he's no longer in the kitchen. He's trying to shoot Decepticons outside the house, it probably is the backyard, but I don't know. Sam yells at Bee to get in the garage.

S: Way to micromanage your giant robot bodyguard slash friend. [sighs] Again, it's like- you'd yell at a dog or something.

O: [laughs] Bad Bumblebee, bad! Of course, Bee smashed out of the garage, uh, despite having a perfectly good door in front of him and then re-enters through the hole he had previously made.

S: Sam's mother is not happy about the surprise kitchen renovations, but Sam's dad calms her down by telling her that the government will pay for it all.

O: I'm so glad to know that this is where my taxes would be going to in this universe.

S: Well, it's definitely worse than some of the other things that it could be going for.

O: [sighs] I suppose that's true.

S: Sam's mom is like fine, but I want to pool and a hot tub! And I quote, “And I'm going to skinny dip, and you can't say shit about it!”

O: And quite frankly that woman's put up with a lot of stuff, I- I respect- you know as long as she's got a good fence- her right to skinny dip in her own yard. [laughs]

S: Yeah, they need that privacy fence. Sam goes into the garage to tell the audience, I mean uh, Bee, uh, how Bee can't come to college with him.

O: For reference, ignore the bit in the last movie where Bee talked because that's just gonna be ignored for like, three freaking movies.

S: Yeah. To calm Bee down he says, “You'll always be my first car!”

O: Not even, you're my best friend- you're my first car.

S: “Congratulations Bumblebee, you're my possession!”

O: Pretty much!

S: Oh, that's creepy. Sam gives the AllSpark shard to Mikaela for some reason, because Mikaela shows up at the end of all of this.

O: Right, you know like, everything has exploded, Mikaela's out there looking lovely with a bouquet of flowers.

S: Yep, instead of calling the Autobots or giving it to Bumblebee, nope it is given to Mikaela for safe keeping. Well, I mean she is the most sensible person out of the civilians?

O: Everyone here? Yeah, it's not that it- can't make it that- it's not that I don't think Mikaela can keep it safe. She manages to do so quite swimmingly through this movie, but it's rather… not that she can use it at all, and it could potentially be dangerous for her to have it on her person!

S: Yeah.

O: And Bee is right there! It's not like he couldn't give it to Bee and tell Bee to take it to the Autobots.

S: Yeah, like, that would be, uh, a lot more sensible. Though if they'd done that it might have been put in with the other... another thing that happens later in the movie.

O: [laughs] True.

S: Anyway, they smooch, words are said, and a somewhat sappy 2000 era love song plays.

O: Meanwhile, no one seems to notice the toy remote control truck that's being controlled by no one.

S: A remote controlled truck that is somehow communicating with outer space, and somehow this character will be vaguely important

O: Shush! My boy is here!

B: [laugh]

S: Ah, Soundwave shows up and takes over a surveillance satellite.

O: I'm sure I've mentioned this before at some point because I know I've said this multiple times, at least to Specs, but yes, I actually like the Bay version of Soundwave. He's not in the movie much, but having him take over a satellite and spend the rest of the movie gathering intelligence and sending troops out? *chef’s kiss* Feels very in character, keep going baby. His design is still garbage... just like everybody else though.

S: And his voice sounds very nice.

O: That's because it's actually Welker! He's allowed to be in this movie, doing a sizeable chunk of the speaking Decepticons even! This is not a G1 similarity I necessarily expected, but I do find it hilarious. Apparently, he also did the voice for Soundwave in a bunch of other language dubs too, which while interesting... I have to question why? It's not like Soundwave's voice would have necessarily sounded the same in those other languages in the original G1 dub. It just sounds like an odd decision?

S: Money.

O: Money. I- kudos to him for attempting it at least? But I still don't know why they did it.

S: Back at the N.E.S.T. headquarters, we see Mudflap and Skids uh, shenanigans, and they're unloading dozens of bodies! Presumably, soldiers that died in Shanghai, uh- that's, uh, welcome to the morbid stuff that they don't spend any time on it at all.

O: Uh, why Sideswipe silver? You had one job movie, one job. Sideswipe is a little red sports car this is like, his defining characteristic- surely this was doable!

S: I don't think anyone involved in making the movie was a very big fan of G1 or wanted to maintain, you know, artistic integrity with regards to that.

O: [sighs] Yeah, I know, what am I saying? I think the actual reason is I've heard red is harder to film?

S: Oh, that might be right.

O: Like- but- [sighs] I don't- it could be, because I want to say- I'm sorry if I'm incorrect- I want to say that's actually the reason Optimus’ color scheme got changed around quite a bit?

S: Mm.

O: And why he's got more blue on him.

[According to TFWiki: “When Optimus's design was first revealed, many fans of the Generation 1 series objected to the flames seen on Prime's body. When asked in an interview why he put the flames on, Michael Bay claimed he liked them because it was "cool". It was later revealed on a special featurette on the DVD that the flames were added because, apparently, red is not very good to film on camera, so Bay chose a blue truck but used the flames so that when Optimus transformed, the layout would result in maintaining his iconic red chest.”]

S: So, a jumped up government official shows up at N.E.S.T. headquarters.

O: And I think we all know where this is going. Uh, this will be our bureaucratic bastard for this evening.

S: Yeah, you know, the wimpy suit who keeps getting in the way of the ARMY men and their REAL job- AMERICA!

B: [laughs]

S: Sorry, um, and here we have a lovely shot of Optimus transforming. It's like some nice rotating thing.

O: Okay, get the robot transformation porn out of the way, next!

S: [sighs] And the bureaucratic weasel confronts Optimus on why haven't the Decepticons left the planet now that the AllSpark is destroyed, like they thought they would?

O: Optimus seems to take the opinion that Daddy Prime knows best. Weasel's not super happy about this, but Optimus does say the Autobots will leave Earth if asked. Neither of these groups are handling this super amazingly. (Yes, even Optimus.) Both sides have a point, if they'd stop trying to wave their metaphorical DICKS around and actually talk from a position of respecting each other's expertise, I'm betting this would go a whole lot better.

S: Probably. The N.E.S.T. members back Optimus up. Our only returning characters here are Lennox and Epps, both played by the same actors from last time.

O: Though I did not realize this at first. I totally thought Epps was played by somebody completely different, and I'm gonna blame the writing because Epps is not given a lot of things to do here.

S: He was a very memorable character in the first movie.

O: Yeah.

S: Yeah, and uh, anyway back to college! College away!

O: Sam's apparently going to Princeton, on the government's dime no less!

S: Oh god, he does absolutely nothing with it in later films. Again, we're assuming due to the filming locations that Sam lives in Southern California or thereabouts so we're a bit surprised to realize he actually decided to go to college on the other side of the country.

O: It certainly doesn't come across like Mikaela is a priority in his life.

S: Yeah. I mean seriously, he could have gone to school in California there's plenty of good schools in California.

O: Yup! But uh, are you ready for some booze and boobs?

S: [sighs] We're introduced to Sam's roommates.

O: The only one that will actually play much of a role in the plot will be our buddy, Leo here.

S: I hope you're being sarcastic.

O: I mean- I mostly mean that he's there.

S: Well, no, I meant with the buddy bit.

O: [speaking while laughing] Uh, yes, that was sarcasm.

S: Yeah. Uh, Leo runs a conspiracy theory website called The Real Effing Deal which is currently scrambling to get a- footage of the fight from Shanghai. Uh, from earlier in the movie up on their site.

O: Which again, is ABUNDANT! Because Optimus landed in the middle of a highway.

S: Yup.

O: Anyway, they're trying to do this until another person, Robo-Warrior, one ups them and gets the footage up, I think on a different site, first.

S: Yeah. Sam does his best to play cool and blow Leo and his friends off because it's all, “Fake.” [laughs]

O: Also, I'd like to take- take a moment to note the era accurate Naruto poster decor among the sea of boobs.

S: Yeah. Leo makes a comment that he and Sam are poor.

O: Alright! Sit down and buckle up because this legitimately pissed me the fuck off. So to rant for a moment, let's go back down the checklist of Sam's white fucking privilege, shall we? He lives in a big house in a nice neighborhood. In what we are assuming is Southern California, which is not a cheap place to live. His parents have enough time for leisure activities and in fact, go on vacation in Paris after dropping Sam off.

S: Yup.

O: His dad bought him a car in the last movie and yes, he was very much implied to be being a cheap ass at the time, but at no point is there any indication he couldn't have bought Sam a nicer car.

S: And the car that he's driving when he like, jerks him around on what type of car he's going to get him, it looks like it's a fancy expensive car so...

O: That's also true! Speaking as someone who grew up in a lower income rural area, and I say this not even remotely being the worst off in that area. Our floors were rotting out, every time we had a heavy rain we had to run to the windows with towels because so many of them leaked, and more applicable in this situation- my family did not have the money to save up for college for me, or any of my siblings. Yes, I realize the government is apparently paying for his tuition, but that just proves my point even more, because Sam's gonna come out of this with no student loan debt!

S: Yup!

O: So poor my fucking ass!

S: Uh-huh. Sam's mom shows up in his dorm room high is a goddamn kite because she apparently bought and ate some brownies from the bake sale not realizing that they were weed brownies.

O: And she's just gonna be a punchline for the next several scenes, sorry.

S: Yeah. To just list a few of the things that his high as a kite mother does: She talks about him losing his virginity loudly, and kind of at length to various women in the hallway. [nervous laugh] And in the surrounding environs, mentioning that his car is a talking robot, tackles a dude for some frisbees, and petitions Sam's dad for sex on the campus green. Considering how much she ate it's very likely she will need to go to the hospital because her knees may attempt to kill her.

O: Uh, then we cut the Soundwave, apropos of nothing, uh, ejecting Ravage into space. Look, I get him for 10 seconds I'm going to fucking enjoy it.

S: Ravage’s design here is very prominent with the pointy bits and teeth.

O: Rawr. [laughs]

S: And he lands near a US military base and runs over to a pipe sticking out of the ground and basically- uh, ralphs up a bunch of itty-bitty bots?

O: Into the pipe. Uh, you know. So I’m just saying uh, Soundwave’s baby had babies, this clearly makes Soundwave a grandad.

B: [laugh]

S: All the bots fall down the pipe and once they're at the other end meld together to form a new bot that is...gah.

O: He's interesting! At least, visually, in that he is basically flat, so he can be borderline invisible when he's looking head-on at something.

S: He looks like a knife raptor.

O: Uh, this thing's name is Reedman and he doesn't show up except in this one scene. Uh, he also brings our ‘Decepticons voiced by Frank Welker’ count up to three after Soundwave and Ravage.

S: Reedman?

O: Reedman, yeah! I looked at the wiki!

S: [laughs]

O: I looked at the wiki, and I was like, “That's a terrible name!” but that's the name!

S: I am judging whoever named that character, so hard.

O: [laughs] Aren't we just judging the entire movie?

S: Oh yes, but…Reedman?

O: Fuck if I know, man.

S: Another piece (aside from Sam's piece) of the AllSpark is being held here so, uh, Reedman gets to work stealing it.

O: Alarms begin to go off and several military guys arrive at the bunker and shoot at our knife raptor.

S: Ravage begins firing at the base to distract them.

O: I'm very amused he's got his tiny little hip missiles too!

S: Meanwhile, back at the plot we're all absolutely dying to continue- cough, cough, no, cough.

O: [laughs]

S: Sam's been dragged to a college frat party by his roommates?

O: It looks like a frat party. I don't even know why they want to bring Sam uh, they don't even seem to like him.

S: Eh, they want to have someone less cool with them so that basically they can be like, “Hey, look at that lame guy, we're much cooler.”

O: Well, Sam is definitely the least cool person in the area right now due to mommy shenanigans.

S: Yeah, while at the party Sam is missing his first video call with Mikaela. God, you are such a sucky long distance boyfriend, Sam!

O: Right!? You had one job! So we see Mikaela getting ready, taking her hair down and talking to her doggo while getting her computer set up.

S: Sam's- uh, promptly begins to spazz out by the uh, snack table and draws strange symbols with food.

O: These symbols are Cybertronian and the AllSpark fragment has helpfully downloaded a bunch of stuff directly into Sam's brain.

S: [sighs] We've upgraded from they want the glasses to they're going to want the brain, aren't they?

O: Something along those lines, yes! Quite frankly, again, I think they can have it. [laughs]

S: One partygoer notices Sam's new hobby and saunters over to seduce herself to him.

O: [laughs] Uh, blondie's name is Alice, and don't worry we'll get to see her panties later because what the absolute fucking fuck Bay!?!

S: [sighs] Bay, why- why'd you hurt me so? [sighs] There's a discussion about girlfriends and Sam says, “kind of,” in regards to having one.

O: Kind of? KIND OF!?! Sam, you dick waffle!

S: [sighs] The quintessential jock yells, “Who drove the freaking yellow Camaro!?”

O: Sam’s Bee senses tingle, and he leaves the party.

S: Bee is waiting outside on the lawn, or possibly the bushes but…

O: In that general vicinity! [laughs]

S: Yeah, but Alice follows him down and hops into Bee's passenger seat.

O: Bee attempts to communicate to Sam that this woman is ~baaaad news~ using various voice clips and songs. And this would have been a really interesting bit if Bee did have his voice back and he had to communicate with Sam like this because he's doing it in front of Alice!

S: Yeah, like, that would have been interesting and a neat way of utilizing his past experience to communicate.

O: Yeah, because I- I don't know remember if we've talked about this super much but there- there's nothing wrong with Bee still relying a bit on that because it is kind of funny and entertaining to see. It's- just make it so he has to use it in scenarios with other people around?

S: Yeah, god, he could do so much with musical lyrics.

O: Pretty much!

S: Alice seems to know something is up, as Bee makes her as uncomfortable as physically possible as he can, including spraying her with a icky yellow liquid and slamming her into the dashboard.

O: She exits in a huff before Bumblebee takes Sam to a graveyard where the rest of the Autobots are waiting.

S: So that was night. Now we are inexplicably in the daytime, I think?

O: Morning. Early morning it looks like.

S: Yeah. Optimus tells Sam the last piece (or as much as he is aware) of the AllSpark was stolen and attempts to convince Sam to remind the other humans why the Autobots are necessary and why they're trying to use a college student for this is a big question.

O: I don't know- and Sam says no, because he's just a normal college student. I don't understand this, I feel like I would jump at a chance like this? Like, dude, does it have good health insurance? Does it have a pension? Yes? Sign me the fuck up! But I want to ask, why the heck didn't Sam tell the Autobots here about the fragment he gave to Mikaela!?

S: Because he's a shitty little baby- I mean, obviously.

O: Oh, [unintelligible]. Then out in the middle of the ocean in a different movie… Over the Laurentian Abyss, which is where the dead Cons were dumped in the last movie. Several Decepticons have stowed away on what looks like a cargo ship.

S: The fact that it's going directly over where they need to go is uh... they probably hacked it.

O: Wouldn't shock me.

S: Yeah, so who the Decepticons are is absolutely unimportant. The only recognizable one is Ravage.

O: And I think only one other one will actually get named.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, so they all jump off the ship and into the water, and I have to you know, bring up- they specifically said they dumped the dead bodies into this trench because of the pressure and cold in the last movie. So, why are all these Cons just perfectly fine with a little skinny dipping?

S: I mean, maybe it's just supposed to keep- I don't know, whatever self-repair systems the dead ones have from working and it doesn't do shit to like, perfectly fine robots? I don’t know.

O: They were using cold as a weapon against them in one though. Like, against Bee.

S: That's absolutely true, but I mean, if cold didn't [did] do anything to them how would they operate in space?

O: I don't know, but they clearly had Megatron on ice.

S: Who knows... yeah.

O: And he got frozen in the Arctic!

S: Yeah, I know, the entire thing is garbage. It may be- maybe water- maybe frozen water is their kryptonite? God. [laughs]

O: Welcome to Earth! [laughs]

S: Why didn't they dismember the Decepticons, or incinerate them? Or you know, take important parts, crush them, destroy them or whatever. Like, throw them in 100 different places- that would work a lot better than this! Run them through a trash compactor or something, before they dump them down into the Laurentian tre- Abyss.

O: I’ll tell you exactly why. Uh, because the government put out a bid for trash removal and the lowest bidder won.

S: The government does stupid things, many times. [sighs] We see a military sub monitoring this area, reading the five Cybertronian life signs.

O: They reach Megatron and a little doctor bot (whose name is Scalpel), starts uh, poking around at his corpse.

S: [sighs] He shouts about his need for parts, and one of the nameless Constructicons is offed. The parts and the AllSpark fragment are all shoved into Megatron.

O: So Megatron's back.

S: Yup.

O: And yet, still voiced by Hugo Weaving so I don't care. No offense, Hugo Weaving. Uh, get back to me in two movies. Also notice they didn't kill Ravage here, because I'm entirely convinced Soundwave would end them.

S: Probably, because I mean, they did like- the little doctor boss specified, “Kill the little one!”

O: It- to- pointing to a random Constructicon.

S: Yeah. Fun bout of bad continuity, the radar shows the five life signs, as Ravage and Scalpel are both too small to show up, and then uh, when they come up they have six life signs but uh, you'll remember they had to kill a Constructicon down there. So uh, it should be this same number, even with Megatron in tow. Or maybe they brought the other Con- Decepticons back to life, I don't know?

O: I don't think so, we never see them. They could have brought Blackout back to life, but we'll get into why they didn't later.

S: I mean maybe they brought uh, shoot- Scorponok?

O: No, Scorponok never died in the first movie.

S: Oh… well… yeah.

O: He just- they got his tail like-

S: Oh, that’s right.

O: The- the army guys cut off his tail but then he disappeared.

S: Oh, that's right. Mm.

O: Megatron's apparently salty enough at humans though, in general, to smash through this- the military sub on his way up, so all those people are dead now.

S: He'd do that even if he wasn't feeling salty, you know that.

O: Oh yeah, he's a bastard, but you know.

S: Uh, Megatron flies to one of Saturn's moons where the Nemesis is being uh, well, it's parked and is used as a base by some of the remaining Decepticons, which includes our old buddy Starscream. And he knocks Starscream around for taking over the Decepticons while he was ‘away’.

O: You know, while he was literally fucking dead. [laughs]

S: And so we are introduced to the Darth Sidious to Megatron's Darth Maul.

O: Including liberal use of the word ‘disciple’!

S: [sighs] So much sighing. This is the Fallen whose name we will not find out in the movie itself because it would be really fucking confusing to have Megatron, and his master, Megatronus, running around.

O: Also, um, a bunch of little baby robots in pods? On the wall.

S: Robot eggs. So many robot eggs.

O: But no really, I'm not sure we can explain that any better than we just did- so just roll with it.

S: Yeah. Anyway, the Fallen isn't shown to have an alt mode in this, but once you see him you do realize he was the Transformer that was shown at the very beginning of the movie while Optimus was monologuing.

O: And as kind of mentioned previously, he looks vaguely like the queen from Alien, but you know, with eyes and a huge staff he fights with.

S: And less arms and no tail.

O: Yeah. Apparently though, only a Prime can kill the Fallen. Don't ask us how the fuck that works!

S: I guess only a Prime can kill a Prime? Because wasn't the Fallen a Prime?

O: Yes, he was considered a Prime but I don't- I still don't know how the mechanics of that work is what I'm getting at.

S: Is it just a weird cultural hangup?

O: I- I don't know! That's what I'm saying, it's never explained!

S: I know, I know. This will get weird in a bit.

O: [laughs]

S: It will! [sighs]

O: But they're like, “So if we remove that one pesky remaining Prime we’ll be off scot-free!” [laughs]

S: Yep. The Fallen explains that the AllSpark cannot be destroyed it can merely be transformed.

O: Everything transforms on Cybertron, but right now the AllSpark is currently living rent free in Sam's head.

S: And I think he wants some goddamn rent, but I think we all want some goddamn rent for having this living rent free in our heads.

O: [laughs] Right!?! Bay, you should pay us for watching this movie!

S: [sighs] So, the Decepticons are going to go after Sam (again), kill Optimus, or at least make another attempt at it (again), and presumably somehow use Sam's brain as they AllSpark.

O: But then Starscream walks in holding a dead robot baby, waving it around and saying they need more Energon or all the hatchlings will continue to die.

S: Well, someone apparently… uh.

O: I just don't know why this is here. I'm sorry, I don't- I don't know why they felt the need to have Starscream motioning while holding a dead baby!

S: [laughs] Being a very bad nurse maid-

O: Yes! But now it's time to go back to school.

S: I already want to hit someone in this class well, multiple someones. Sam is setting it in on his physics class.

O: With the absolute creepiest, filthiest, fucking professor I have seen in a good long while.

S: Ah, innuendos, a god complex, this man is so many sexual harassment lawsuits, and a restraining order waiting to happen.

O: This is not appealing! Who the fuck does this appeal to?

S: I don't know but I'm ace, so I'm possibly not the best person to ask.

O: Is this a straight woman thing!? Where the hell are we gonna find one of those this time of night?

B: [laugh]

S: Sam starts freaking out like he was uh, doing at the party, writing equations, and stuff all over the board. He basically gets up, and bowls his way into- up to the front of the class and basically shows up the shitty professor.

O: Uh, Bulkhead did this in Prime, I'd like to personally nominate Bulkhead as our main character instead of Sam.

S: Oh yeah, Bulkhead would be a much more fun character. Sam is promptly kicked out of the class uh, because showing up the professor and also the fact that the dean is apparently there. So he's been- that professor has been like this while the dean is there.

O: Yes, so, uh, obviously he's sleeping with the old lady too, is what I'm getting from this.

S: That's creepy, it's even worse! I mean, this is a female dean.

O: Yeah, female dean not just a random like, male dean, I mean an older female dean!

S: [sighs] Oh god. Sam calls Mikaela mid freak out, and realizes that the AllSpark has caused his little problem.

O: Uh, so he asks her to bring the AllSpark fragment to him on the East Coast. Uh, by the way I would just like to take a moment to tell you this very important information, Mikaela's dog's name is Bones.

S: Uh, the little remote controlled truck Decepticon, who we regret to inform you is this universe's version of Wheelie, uhh, is stalking around the garage where Mikaela is.

O: Wheelie, uh, clearly hasn't gotten the memo on you know, Mikaela taking out a Decepticon with a power tool in the first movie, decides to be a dumbass and say, “You're hot, but you're not too bright,” as he attempts to steal the AllSpark fragment.

S: The fact that Wheelie has some sort of metric for human um, attractiveness is honestly, really concerning.

O: Just a little bit.

S: [sighs]

O: Uh, predictably though, Mikaela fucks him up with a welding torch, including taking out one of his optics.

S: Wheelie begs for mercy from the Warrior Goddess.

O: At last Mikaela is given a proper title.

S: Uh-huh, and then Mikaela shoves him in a box and hops on a plane.

O: Metal box, I feel like it's important it does actually hold him.

S: Yeah, a metal box, and hops on a plane with him and the AllSpark. And honestly this feels like something that she couldn't successfully do after 9/11.

O: Which is hilarious, because this was definitely filmed after 9/11. So we just have to go with she's so sexy that she was able to get the big metal box on the plane without having to go through an x-ray.

S: Except that everything that goes on the plane when you check it should go through x-ray…

O: I know, I know!

S: Or-

O: Boobs! The power of boobs!

S: Never mind that the power of boobs should not, you know, somehow affect the people that do not get exposed to the boobs.

O: See- see this is why uh, this movie would have been stopped in its tracks if one of the TSA agents had been a woman- a straight woman.

S: Or one of the people who sorts stuff or- because like, just imag-

O: It looked like it was her carry-on.

S: Now I'm just imagining that the people, because like you know how they sometimes go and randomly open bags to go through the contents? [laugh] I'm just imagining someone doing that and then there being a major freak out because out comes a stupid remote controlled car that’s yelling at everyone.

O: [laughs] Yeah… yeah.

S: Uh, then we cut to a short segment showing that all the Autobots are heading to locations on the East Coast as the rest of N.E.S.T. mobilizes.

O: But wait! Decepticon pretenders are afoot at Princeton!

S: That's not ominous at all. Sam is in his room going nuts and writing stuff on the wall.

O: Uh, and then Alice pushes her way into Sam's room and attempts a rather forceful seduction.

S: She straight up picks him up and tosses him on the bed.

O: Which really should have been his first clue that something was very wrong!

S: Yeah, because Alice is not uh, portrayed as a…

O: A big woman.

S: Yes.

O: She's very slight and conventionally attractive.

S: Yeah, so she gets on top of him, and then we get the most awkward shot of Decepticon panties as the metal tail comes out from underneath Alice's extremely short dress.

O: Thanks for that Michael Bay. I always, always wondered what brand of underpants Decepticons were wear, given the chance.

S: [sighs] She kisses Sam, apparently with tongue, and Mikaela walks in and is understandably pissed.

O: Alice asks if she's his girlfriend and Mikaela just says, “Ex,” and walks out, and I'm just like, “Yes, girl DRAG him!”

S: And meanwhile, Leo is sort of fluttering around in the background.

O: Yes, uh, because Alice pushed past him to get into their dorm room.

S: Sam attempts to follow, but Alice is 99% done with his dumb ass.

O: Uh, she attempts to strangle him with her suddenly very long and metal tongue.

S: Ah, that has apparently been places I do not want to think about.

O: I do not want to think about any of this, yeah.

S: Yeah. Sam is able to escape, and we see Alice transform into a very obvious robot.

O: Sam, Mikaela, and Leo run into a nearby library where Sam and Mikaela begin having a whisper argument.

S: They're busy whisper shouting this entire time. Alice catches up and smashes through the library, still chasing them.

O: I'm surprised this thing still has hair in robot mode.

S: Hair? I mean its still got boobs!

O: Bay, what the fuck!?

B: [laugh]

O: So they hop in the car, Mikaela saves both their butts by hot wiring it, and slamming Alice into a lamp post before running her over again with the car.

S: Where was Bumblebee during all of this?

O: Uh, he was actually with the Autobots a few- the other Autobots a few scenes back, so he's definitely not here.

S: Yeah unfortunately Sam and company don't get very far and are captured by Grindor who picks them up like, so you know those uh, claw machines-

O: [laughs]

S: At grocery stores? Grindor basically does that and then he carries them off, like- they’re his claw machine loot. Nearly losing one in the process.

O: I mean, truely, they kind of are. So, uh, you- to- get- you know how I just mentioned that they definitely couldn't have brought Blackout back to life? That is because Grindor looks exactly like Blackout, but he's not Blackout. Because Blackout died at the end of the last movie, and we totally thought he was Blackout and he's even listed as Blackout on some of the toys and a good chunk of promotional material, but- but he's a different character. I don't know why they did this.

S: I don't know they wanted to keep the trademark in use, maybe?

O: [groans]

S: For the Grindor name, because they used it- I think, in anime- Armada. I think they used it in Armada, so this was probably just blatant patent-

O: It was bad though. [laughs]

S: Oh yeah, I know. Or um, trade- name trademarks? I don't know.

O: But he makes a Decepticon number four voiced by Welker.

S: Mm-hm. So, the car is dropped into some kind of warehouse where Sam is confronted by the now very alive Megatron.

O: Who's definitely holding a grudge against Sam for the whole ‘killing him in the last movie’ thing.

S: Yep, Sam is laid out on a concrete slab and Scalpel gets to work. Starting with shoving a metal squid down Sam's throat, uhh…

O: No, no, no! No, no, no, no, NOPITY, nope, nope, nope nope!

S: Yeah, this is uh, pretty gross and I don't like it and I don't think anyone else likes it either. A metal squid uh, exits his mouth and projects images of what's in Sam's brain. [groans]

O: But! This is apparently not all the information in his brain, as Scalpel definitely intends to remove it from his head.

S: Sam is saved just in time by the Autobots.

O: I want to know how Megatron even got into this warehouse. There's not any like, big holes that we can see or anything, aside from the one Grindor- when Grindor dropped the car through.

S: Yeah, there really don't seem to be any openings big enough for him that we can see.

O: Okay, just going to assume mass shifting in this continuity for no good reason, okay.

S: Either that or he did the stupid ‘I'm a contortionist’ through the door, which seems way more respect for the -

O: [laughs] Robot limbo!

S: That seems to be way more uh, respect for the integrity of this building than Megatron should feel.

O: Yes!

S: Ah, so, um, Leo and Mikaela escape in Bee while Optimus takes Sam.

O: So they're separated, and Optimus has to fight Megatron alone. And Megatron turns into a tank for a split second! I didn't even realize this version of him could BE a tank!

S: Yeah, he's a multiformer?

O: Apparently!

[In the background crowd noises are heard as the hosts begin speaking like sports announcers.]

O: But now, it's the match of the century here at the Forest Fighting arenaaaa!

S: It's Megatron versus Optimus tonight, folks!

O: The Warlord himself versus Optimus Fucking Prime! [laughs]

[A wrestling bell rings in the background to signify the start of the match.]

S: Optimus gets a good right hook in.

O: Right before being tackled by Megatron!

S: Is that legal?

O: Hell if I know! It's giant robots, it's all the same amount of legal!

S: Oh! He's got the tree!

[The crowd increases in volume.]

S: Optimus has got the tree!

O: What a hit, you know that one must have hurt!

S: And now it's a sword fight? They both are up and swinging away!

O: It just turned into a three-on-one match, folks!

[The crowd begins booing.]

S: Oh no- no, Optimus- Starscream and Grindor have joined the fray!

O: Wait, somehow a human's gotten into the arena.

S: Starscream and Megatron are chasing him down.

[The crowd increases in volume]

O: But Optimus has intercepted them and has taken them both on!

S: Starscream has been tossed out of the arena- out of bounds, out of bounds!

O: Optimus has gone through a tree!

S: Now the Cons are all just taking turns hitting him. You hate to see it folks, you hate to see it!

O: Optimus is eatin’ dirt!

S: But he's back and now dual wielding blades!

O: Grindor’s lost an arm!

S: Megatron’s taken a good one to the kneecap.

O: And hit to the face!

S: That's it! That's it for Grindor! Hook, line and sinker!

[The crowd roars.]

O: Oh, he must have a splittin’ headache!

S: Or at least he would if he still had a head.

O: But Optimus is distracted before taking the blade to the chest!

[A wrestling bell sounds to signify the end of the match.]

O: That's it! It's all over! Optimus is down, I repeat- Optimus is down! Megatron's the winner!

[Applause and the crowd noise fades out]

O: No really, Optimus is dead now, because Bay wants to make us feel things.

S: Except very badly, and unfortunately, this Optimus didn’t back up his brain on a floppy disk. And I mean there is no pathos here!

O: Of course somehow during all of this no one ends our suffering by squishing Sam accidentally or otherwise.

S: [sighs]

O: [laughs]

S: The rest of the Autobots drive up just in time to see Optimus body.

O: Where the fuck were they!?!

S: Being useless.

O: Yeah, that checks out.

S: Megatron and Starscream flee and land on a skyscraper in the middle of a city, and then argue about what to do next. And we cut to Soundwave doing what he does best, remotely managing resources.

O: Which in this case means tracking Sam's parents down in Paris as they enjoy some fine parisian food, and prank calling them.

S: Yeah, his mom is not impressed about the heavy breathing. Such as it is.

O: We then see several Decepticons, including The Fallen, fall to Earth taking out several air carriers and buildings as they land.

S: One of these Decepticons captures Sam's parents.

O: The Fallen sends out a tv broadcast basically spelling out that he wants Sam turned over to him in order to spare the rest of the planet.

S: Ah, the news story is shown, letting us know that worldwide the number of casualties is in the ballpark of seven thousand, and well, that's not as horrifying as it came across initially, but mmm…

O: Just seven thousand, for the entire world? I, for one, welcome our Decepticon overlords. In case you're watching this in the future, we're recording this at the tail end of 2020 and we live in the US. That's literally less than 30% of the US’ current Covid death count at this point- eh- while we were researching this episode. It's probably more now.

S: Sam, Mikaela, Leo, Bee, and the Twins are hiding out in, and around some abandoned buildings.

O: Leo's upset, but Sam tells him to suck it up because he's involved now.

S: A helicopter dumps Optimus’ body over at N.E.S.T., and that was not a respectful handling of a dead body.

O: To be fair, he is very big, and the humans are very small, and that was not an Autobot helicopter.

S: Yeah, but that was effectively a world leader.

O: Yeah, Ironhide is upset and uh, begins to get antsy with his guns.

S: Mr. Government Weasel shows up and shuts N.E.S.T. down. Lennox gets upset when he realizes the US government is planning out to hand Sam over.

O: And they're right to consider it! You should (theoretically speaking) hand over one person if has the possibility of stopping a massive amount of death!

S: The problem is it wouldn't stop the massive amount of death, and it would just let them basically strip mine the planet because the Decepticons- the name starts with deception.

O: Fair, but the only ones who would know that are the Autobots and possibly members of N.E.S.T. From the perspective of government officials, who do not have this information, it makes sense.

S: Yeah. Skids and Mudflap clue the group in on trying to find someone who can read the Cybertronian text the AllSpark downloaded into Sam's brain.

O: Leo has decided to join them on their uh, “adventure”.

S: In quotation marks. Which is probably uh, for the best because he knows a guy who might be able to help.

O: Remember the rival internet guy from before?

S: Guess who's back from the first movie, and it might not be your first thought!

O: That's right, Agent Simmons from the first movie, who is no longer- is a no longer an agent, is Robo-Warrior.

S: I feel like the tech guy from the first movie would have probably made a better Robo-Warrior.

O: Yeah, I do too... I do too.

S: [sighs] So, Sam and company arrive at Simmons’ mom's deli, or possibly his deli that his mom works at too or something? I don't know it…

O: It's not very clear.

S: Yeah.

O: Uh, come to find out that Simmons has held on to some old Sector 7 documents.

S: Not just some, uh, he stole a lot of shit from Sector 7. Like, enough to fill like a sub basement.

O: [snorts] Uh, now Mikaela pulls out Wheelie, who has been in tow in the metal box.

S: Uh-huh.

O: Uh, smooth talking him into helping them.

S: Wheelie also can't read the writing from before, saying that it's in the ‘language of the Primes’ and that they need a Seeker.

O: I had completely forgotten they referred to these guys as Seekers until we watched this again. I kind of had a ‘what the fuck’ moment.

S: Same. Seekers, in this continuity are ancient Cybertronians that had been tasked with traveling the galaxy, looking for stars to use as energy sources for the AllSpark. This is a little bit of a hint, hint, hint, for uh, something that might happen later.

O: In a convenient coinkydink, some of Simmons’ old documents show several of these Seekers in their alt modes.

S: Wheelie is able to identify an SR-71 Blackbird in the National Air and Space Museum as a Seeker.

O: So off the gang goes to Washington DC.

S: Outside the National Air and Space Museum, Simmons rips off his pants, revealing the Sector 7 thong to the audience... and then turns around so we can get the view from every angle. That’s-

O: No, no, no. I did not need to see robot balls. I did not need to see hairy man balls, and I certainly did not need to see hairy man ass! I'm not even sure why he did this!? I assume he changed pants but I don't know why he did that right here, in a parking lot, in front of everyone!

S: For the pain, I don't know.

O: [laughs]

S: And thus, they come up with the most amazing scheme to get into the museum as it's closing. Leo's being a coward and Simmons intimidates him a bit.

O: Oh god! That man is pressing his man meat against that man's meat!

S: [sighs] Inside the museum, Leo comes out of the bathroom with his pants… mmm, like, down around his ankles, looking for toilet paper.

O: Why did they want to do this to me? I am feeling personally attacked by the quantity of hairy man I am seeing in this movie!

S: Why are they doing this to us? It’s not just to you-

O: Why are they doing this to everyone!?! [laughs]

S: Yeah. The security guard escorts Leo back into the bathroom, chastising him about how this is a family museum.

O: Yeah, the only one guy doing their job here is the security guard, okay?

S: Yeah, and [he] attempts to hand them toilet paper over the top of the stall.

O: Leo then zaps him with a taser and the man falls to the ground.

S: Of course Leo manages to uh, taze himself with the taser too and falls down, kind of by the guy, and is unable to move.

O: Simmons comes in and drags Leo, still twitching, out of the bathroom.

S: I am hoping that his pants are up, but god who knows with this movie-

O: I don't think they were when he started dragging him. [laughs]

S: God, why?

O: Oh, there was butt- his butt cheeks were ALL over that floor.

S: [sighs] So, they run through the museum and find the correct jet, and then Sam uses the AllSpark fragment on that jet.

O: You would think that perhaps, perhaps, before using an AllSpark fragment to wake a Cybertronian up you might check his goddamn faction badge first but, NOOOO! It’s only after the jet begins to transform they notice the goddamn Decepticon symbol.

S: We are introduced to easily what is not only the best robot character in this movie, but quite possibly the best character in the movie, period.

O: Meet Jetfire! He's old, he's cranky, he's a delight, and he's got a pretty sweet looking beard.

S: Yep, and a cane made from his alt mode’s landing gear. You know, for extra old man points.

O: Now bit of a tangent, but in G1 you will remember Skyfire. Our big sweetie pie scientist.

S: Starscream’s ex, you can't forget that.

O: Can’t forget that, and also frequently utilized as a taxi service by the Autobots.

S: Well, Skyfire is often named Jetfire instead, depending on the continuity. You know, name stuff is weird...

O: Yeah, and- but this Jetfire doesn't have too much in common with our big old scientist, I just wanted to point out that he was clearly referencing him. Um, but the one thing he does have in common and the most important thing to the idiots we're following, is that he is a Decepticon defector.

S: Mm-hmm. Jetfire attempts to fire at a large door to get outside but is uh, having some uh, ‘performance issues’ with his equipment.

O: [laughs] Uh, he is able to get outside, so our party follows him um... into Arizona. And yes, we know that movies often have to be shot at other locations, or fudge locations and make certain events work. But I find this one particularly jarring as they are clearly in a desert with mountains off in the distance which does not line up with the geography around Washington DC.

S: Yeah, considering that it was what, a swamp?

B: [laugh]

O: Definitely not a desert with mountains!

S: Yeah, ah, this part was actually filmed at the 309th Aerospace Maintenance and Regeneration Group, or The Boneyard, in Tuscan, Arizona.

O: Jetfire gives a speech about how being an Autobot or a Decepticon is a choice.

S: An intensely personal choice, even. And Wheelie's like, “Holy shit it IS!?!”

O: And proceeds to start humping Mikaela's leg, charming.

S: [long drawn out sigh] So many sighs.

O: [laughs] I don't understand all the humping in this movie Bay, I really don't.

S: Juvenile male humor?

O: I guess?

S: Guys think humping shit is funny, somehow? I don't know. [sighs] Jetfire shows his uh, senility a little bit talking about his parents.

O: “My father? Why he was a wheel! The first wheel, and you know what he transformed into? Nothing! But he did so with honor- dignity, damn it!”

S: And that is a direct quote-

O: [laughs]

S: Straight from the man himself!

O: He's a delight.

S: [sighs] Sam pulls out a knife and begins carving the uh, Cybertronian symbols into the ground. I mean, where- where'd he get the knife? I have questions.

O: Thong man? Probably?

S: Disconcerting- disconcertingly, yes, that is probable. Um, Jetfire blabbers off about the Dagger's Tip before generating a space bridge, and teleporting everyone to Egypt with uh, very little warning. I mean the only warning he gives them is, “Hold on or you'll die!” to the nearby squishies

O: I also feel like we need to preface, Dagger's Tip as in a location, not talking about the- the knife Sam is holding. Realize that might be a little confusion without- confusing without context.

S: Yeah, and are Bumblebee and the Twins… are also here?

O: The Twins are also here translated- trans- translated? Transported.

S: Okay, because yeah, they apparently showed up after they they exited and mass translocated to Arizona. [sighs] Life is weird in this movie.

O: Yeah, so uh, then Jetfire informs us that once upon a time, in a galaxy far far away… The original seven Primes had arrived on Earth to build a device called a Star Harvester which can create Energon by destroying suns. Wait, seven!?! Did they just pick a number at random!?

S: Probably. I don't think whoever it was making this movie cared about the lore that was in other parts of the series.

O: At least seven is also a prime number…

S: Yeah... I mean, heck, I don't remember if they had a different number in [the] Cybertron [tv series]? Because Cybertron I think, did have a list of Primes.

O: I think the number’s are usually 13.

S: Yeah, but it's just- I don't remember when that number came up-

O: Mm- that’s fair.

S: If it was before or after this.

[Okay, this is mildly confusing, (as Transformers lore often is) but the rough concept for The Thirteen has been around since 1999, but was really only solidified in 2004-2005 into specifically, Thirteen Primes. All that being said, even if that wasn’t established in the first movie, it certainly would have been by the time they were creating the sequel. Also, several adaptations of this movie do have thirteen Primes, not seven, and designs had been created for 12 (non-Fallen) Prime heads, so who knows what the heck happened with this behind the scenes. ~O]

S: Yeah, and while they had a rule about not destroying suns that supported life, the Fallen decided that the humans sucked, and tried to turn it on anyway because-

O: He's a dick! [laughs]

S: He was basically the equivalent of a pissy house proud lady who, with a- whose house had a mouse infestation and he wanted to demolish it anyway but… The humans are the mice in this metaphor.

O: [laughs] Uh, the Primes tried to fight him but were unable to actually defeat him.

S: Considering that only a Prime is supposed to be able to defeat the Fallen this is somehow extremely disappointing. So they took the Matrix of Leadership and sealed it in a tomb made of their own bodies.

O: The Matrix of Leadership is a reoccurring McGuffin in the Transformers lore, but for some inexplicable reason in this continuity it is basically just a ‘key’ for the Star Harvester.

S: Well, I think it also has some other purposes, considering what they end up using it for later… but yeah, it's primarily just the horse- blah, the Star Harvester key. Jetfire conveys that Sam needs to find the Matrix of Leadership or they're all fucked. I mean, what happened? Did turning on Jetfire completely destroy the AllSpark fragment or is it just... dead now? Could they use that to re-awaken Optimus body?

O: I mean yeah, you would think right!? Because like, they- they did- they- that's how they brought Megatron back but nobody thought of this!

S: I mean didn't they already have a thing that they could have used to just, wake Optimus up?

O: Maybe? I don't know. I don't know. Moving right along! Um-

S: I want answers! Sorry...

O: We're not gonna get ‘em. And then presumably, they leave Jetfire in the desert because he needs a good long nap after generating a whole ass space bridge.

S: Well, he basically tells them to get lost before any Auto- before any Decepticons show up.

O: Yeah, because assumably he's gonna take a nap.

S: Yeah, I mean- I think another Decepticon does show up at some point in the novelization, but who knows. I think grandpa beats his pants- or beats his ass. Sam reaches the conclusion that if the Matrix of Leadership can activate the Sun Harvester then maybe it could reactivate Optimus, like some sort of robot activating skeleton key.

O: Seems like a bit of a reach, but alright.

S: No one knows what's going on here, so I guess, sure! Let's run with it.

S: They stop by a nearby village allowing Simmons to contact N.E.S.T. and somewhat covertly tell them that they need to bring Optimus’ corpse over to Egypt.

O: [laughs]

S: [sighs] Oh, this is going to be so many… ugh, so many problems.

O: Soundwave is still able to figure out what the fuck they're saying though, and deploys the Decepticons to the same location that Simmons had given N.E.S.T. You know, do you think his back hurts? You know, from carrying his entire faction?

S: Probably, but I mean, he's in space so there's not much weight up there right now.

O: [laughs] Probably lessens the feeling a little bit.

S: Using some gibberish about the ‘three kings’ and also, astrological knowledge, Sam is able to figure out where the Primes’ tomb is and uh, the group heads towards the mountains of Petra.

O: Lennox's group has also brought the government weasel with them along on their ‘Definitely Not Transporting a Giant Robot Corpse’ mission, and then they fool him into jumping out of the plane. So they can carry on without interruption.

S: Slightly less jumping out of the plane and slightly more uh, fooling him into opening the damn parachute that uh, they got the man to wear and then he gets swept out because--

O: It was a parachute. [laughs]

S: Moving plane, open door, there goes the- there goes the parachute. Oops! So much wind.

O: And it really might be one of the funniest scenes in the entire movie. It also reads entirely too close to something our DND group would pull.

S: Oh yeah, yeah.

B: [laugh]

O: Ask our DM!

S: Oh, any one of our DMs.

O: Any one of our DMs, but I'm particularly talking about when my poor husband had to DM.

S: Yeah, I'm thinking about the ‘whale’ incident.

[My husband regretted that our party had the ability to summon large creatures and portals on that day. ~O]

So Sam and company arrive at Petra.

O: For the non-documentary nerds among us, uh, Petra is an ancient city in Southern Jordan. While it does contain more structures than the treasury (which is what I think they show here) uh, this is probably one of the most famous. You may recognize it as the resting place of the Holy Grail in the Indiana Jones movies. And as we were watching, I had a minor panic attack at the giant robots possibly breaking things.

S: Oh, and the giant robots definitely break things. The Twins fight, and hit a wall or a fresco. Revealing a hollow area behind it with uh, very noticeable giant robot bits.

O: [laughs] Then Bee takes aim at the wall and I have another panic attack. Though to be fair, he's got very good aim and only makes what is arguably a very small hole.

S: Through the giant robot bits. Sam enters the new hole in the wall and finds the Matrix of Leadership on the floor. I guess, cradled in the hands of the Prime corpses? Which- this is super morbid!

O: [laughs]

S: When he picks it up, uh, it crumbles into dust. So, Sam does the only thing he can think of, he sweeps all that dust into his sock.

O: Time to go resurrect Optimus with dirty sock dust!

S: Is it the sock of destiny?

O: It is now.

S: I guess it awakens giant robots, but leaves buildings standing.

O: [snorts]

S: All the while uh, he talks about there having to be some sort of reason for everything that's happening.

O: Uh, to quote a much better character, “It's possible to commit no mistakes and still lose,” so Sam you're full of shit.

S: Yep, back with N.E.S.T. uh, they yeet Optimus’ corpse out of the plane and I believe Optimus has parachutes again here?

O: Probably.

S: I mean, if he doesn't that is just so much corpse desecration.

O: [laughs] And it seems like we arrive back where we started in the first movie, as it looks like they're back in that little desert town where the fight with Scorponok took place. You know, they just- they're just gotta destroy it again.

S: And if that's not that same town it looks extremely similar.

O: Starscream begins firing on Sam and co as they head to the rendezvous location with N.E.S.T.

S: [sighs] The group splits up in order to draw the fire away from Sam.

O: Leo, Simmons, and the twins head off. Bee heads off in another direction, and then Sam and Mikaela head towards Optimus’ location on foot.

S: This seems like a bad allocation of resources but, ohh-kay.

O: [chuckles]

S: N.E.S.T. also spots Starscream, but he has released an EMP burst, cutting off all their communication.

O: Government weasel however, has landed safe and sound and is able to reach (and annoy!) the N.E.S.T. headquarters.

S: Yep and N.E.S.T. uh, headquarters is frustrated that weasel can contact them but they can't contact Lennox's group.

O: Simmons group stops uh, once they realize Starscream has stopped following them.

S: Megatron and Starscream (none too gently) land on the Great Pyramid.

O: God damn, more defacing world heritage sites?

S: Well, the Egyptian authorities would definitely have um, a case against them for this. Because you know, they they charge people with doing dumb ill-advised things on the pyramids

O: I dunno how you're gonna get money out of Megatron but, alright! [laughs]

S: Eh, I'd go with the blood from the stone thing, and literally selling off materials from his body, but who knows? That's also very morbid. Um, Megatron orders an attack and Devastator forms out of more than the requisite number of constructicons from G1.

O: And Devastator makes our last Welker voiced Con for the day, bringing our number up to five-

S: And it’s-

O: -out of 12.

S: And spoiler alert uh, Devastator looks nothing like G1 Devastator, and also this is in like- the same location that Simmons and Leo are at.

O: Yep. Sam and Mikaela though are continuing their march towards N.E.S.T. All the while trying to avoid Decepticons, and thus hide in one of the nearby houses.

S: Ah, I like the lighting in the scene, the lighting is very nice. So one wall is mostly structured from uh, glass bottles. You know, provides some very nice ambient lighting without the need of electricity. It just- it's very pleasant. It's a very pretty look

O: Then we get a really nifty scene of the Decepticons looking for them that's basically, one big long continuous shot of it going out of a hole Sam is looking out, going around the scene and then going back through I think, the keyhole? For the door to the house they're in.

S: Yeah, that sort of continuous shot's very nice. You don't see those very often. Sam catches a tiny Decepticon bug that comes through the hole, leading to them being found, and the house's roof being ripped off by Starscream.

O: They attempt to escape.

S: The Twins uh, begin to fight Devastator, while the combiner tries to eat everybody with his horrifying trash-compactor-crusher mouth.

O: Mudflap is eaten, but doesn't go down easy and punches his way out of Devastator's mouth.

S: The Decepticons reveal that they are holding Sam's parents hostage.

O: But they're all saved by the timely arrival of Bee.

S: Ravage is killed when Bee rips his entire body off his spine??

O: How does Ravage keep ending up in two pieces in these things?

S: I think technically he might be in more than two pieces, but ughhh...

O: Meh, I'm just saying- there was the spine in one hand, and the rest of them in the other hand, at least from my memory.

S: I know, it's just- god, unfortunately this feels a whole lot like shucking an ear of corn.

O: [laugh] Oh, god- yeah... yeah... yeah.

S: [sighs] I'm sorry for that image.

O: Sam uh, tells Bee to take his parents out of danger once they- he- they've gotten them away from the Cons.

S: Uh, Sam's dad argues with him in what we're assuming is supposed to be a counter to his no caring attitude about Sam going off to college in the movie. One of the only positive things is his dad's care- for his dad's character is that he does seem to want to take care of- take care of his son.

O: Pity doesn't show more.

S: Yeah.

O: Okay, tangent, but you may have noticed we're being less descriptive about things that are happening at this point in the story. That's because we basically hit a point where the remainder is a gigantic action scene and not really much else.

S: Yeah, it's a whole lot of punch, punch, switch scene, punch, punch, switch scene.

O: Yeah, so-

S: Shoot, shoot, shoot.

O: We're trying, but if something doesn't really make sense it's because stuff is swapping and not a lot is happening. Oddly enough this movie is actually a good example of why you should keep things simple, from a storytelling perspective. And yeah, I know if you examine the basis of this movie's plot it is pretty simple, but instead of just, you know, actually going from point a to point b there's just a ton of waypoints kind of getting in the way of the action that’s actually happening. Uh, like, “Oh well, we'd better go over to this set for yet another action sequence!” Nothing that's happened in the last 30 or so minutes has really mattered to the overall plot because it's just action sequence, action sequence, action sequence.

S: Yup, dirt, explosions, running, falling down.

O: Rinse and repeat.

S: There is nothing of substance here. Speaking of pointless, it's back to Simmons for absolutely no reason.

O: Uh, Megatron's been on top of the Great Pyramid doing nothing this entire freaking time and now he chooses to shoot down a helicopter.

S: I don't think he's even been monologuing.

O: Yeah, he hasn't! He has- that's what I mean, nothing! He's not even doing anything interesting!

S: Simmons takes the radio from the pilot of said downed helicopter and follows after Devastator as he heads toward the Great Pyramid.

O: American Army porn.

S: And Air Force. And Navy, [sighs] probably?

O: [groans]

S: Sam and Mikaela are spotted by Ironhide and the three Arcees.

O: Two Arcees are downed by some Cons after their one speaking line in the entire freaking movie.

S: Devastator begins climbing the Great Pyramid.

O: Is Megatron waiting up there for Devastator?! Is- is it just too much work to wreck the pyramid by himself?

S: He's got all of these lackeys, he wants the lackeys to do shit for him.

O: Oh, lord.

S: Simmons follows and contacts the Navy.

O: Okay- okay, the only thing I can think of here is that they needed Simmons to do something. Otherwise, why the heck do they call in military reinforcements then call in yet more military reinforcements!?

S: More American Army porn.

O: [sighs] Devastator demolishes the top of the pyramid. Yes, yes, destroying more history, yes, yes.

S: Yet more American Army porn!

O: And then Megatron chases Sam and Mikaela as they approach N.E.S.T.

S: After many, many, MANY, explosions, Sam and Mikaela reach Lennox.

O: Who's like, “You'd better have a good reason for us to be here!”

S: “I got a sock full of dust!”

O: [laughs] Yes, you do Sam. Yes, you do.

S: [sighs] Jetfire shows up, taking out a Con with his cane.

O: Then Scorponok, you know, from the first movie, immediately shows up just to stab Jetfire and ruin all of our days.

S: You know, his triumphant return after disappearance in the last half of the previous movie.

O: And now for the moment you- we-

S: [sighs]

O: We've all been waiting for!

S: Ugh… [unintelligable]

O: Do you want me to do it?

S: Yes, please.

O: Simmons says, “I'm directly below the enemy scrotum.” Why would you say that? Why would you say it like this? Why wouldn't you just say, “I am directly below the enemy”!? Why did you feel the need to add the word ‘scrotum’ to that sentence!?! [laughs]

S: The enemy's anatomy should not be that important, but I guess Bay thinks balls are important- er, hilarious.

O: Important and hilarious.

S: God.

[I am furious that we didn’t know about this clip until AFTER we did this episode, but yeah, this exists. Bay was SO proud of this joke. ~O]

O: Uh, Devastator comes to pieces after being hit by an experimental Navy railgun from the ship that Simmons has been contacting.

S: Yeah, back with Lennox and company, Epps proves yet again to have one of the best lines in the entire movie.

O: They throw some smoke grenades to provide a target for the Air Force.

S: Unfortunately, this smoke's just a teensy bit too close to the party.

O: Epps responds with, “It wasn't my best toss, okay!?”

S: [sighs] In the ensuing chaos of the airstrike, Sam runs ahead to try and get to Optimus and Megatron appears out of the smoke to shoot him. Or to dramatically close in on him, I guess.

O: Megatron gets pushed back by some of the N.E.S.T. covering fire and nyrooms away very awkwardly.

S: Except, what's this!? Sam's dead.

O: [loudly] WOOOOOOOOOOO!

S: Mikaela's not so happy about this though.

O: Uh, sad music plays. Dialogue can be heard faintly as Lennox and the N.E.S.T. crew begins CPR. His parents show back up... again. For what purpose exactly? I think this would have read just fine with Mikaela just being the only one sad about Sam.

S: I don't know. If this is their attempt at pathos, but it kind of sucks. I mean, I know that the audience is supposed to feel bad that this guy's dead but-

O: I don't! [laughs]

S: They did a terrible job of making me care, but now is the moment where Mikaela tells Sam that she loves him.

O: They had a whole thing about this earlier in the movie we really didn't go over but they were having kind of an argument on who should say, “I love you,” first. Blah- blah- blah- blah-

S: Ah.

O: But now, a window into Sam's psyche.

S: What, you mean it's not just going to be boobs, boobs, and more boobs?

O: No- no the seven Primes appear in a vision to Sam.

S: Oh god, does this make Sam a Prime? I really hope not…

O: Oh my god! One of the Primes is voiced by Bulkhead! And by Bulkhead, I of course mean his voice actor Kevin Michael Richardson. A man with a huge filmography that I guarantee you've heard at least a dozen or so things that he has done, if not more!

S: The Primes tell Sam that he is worthy of being a Prime.

O: Bulk, why do you have to hurt me in this way, and by extension, EVERYONE?

S: The magical sweaty sock dust reconstitutes into the Matrix of Leadership. And, I mean, I'm kind of concerned that some of the remaining sweaty sock dust is now blowing away, or maybe this sock will be some sort of horrifying museum relic.

O: Considering what he did with his shirt, I wouldn't be surprised. Um, but I don't really care, because this just means the movie is getting closer to its inevitable conclusion.

S: Fair. Sam then takes the Matrix and stabs it into Optimus chest.

O: Stabby stab? We bring him to life by giving him another stab wound? Magical stabby stab?

S: I think this is how you get robot zombies.

O: Good thing nobody had any Dark Energon on hand.

S: Or the Hate Plague. Of course, the Matrix is immediately snatched up by the Fallen.

O: Because we want to have our cake and eat it too. We need to bring Optimus back to life and also to get the giant sun stun gun going too.

S: So, the Fallen activates the Star Harvester.

O: High levels of shut up and die reached as the Fallen finally reveals some amount of fighting prowess with a bitchin’ anti-gravity staff.

S: Yep. Jetfire, who has been sort of hanging out this entire time having a giant hole in his chest, sacrifices himself to upgrade Optimus so that he can go fight the Fallen.

O: Jetfire, buddy, sir, you deserved better.

S: He did.

O: Here's one of the few scenes where Jolt is visible as he helps Ratchet get Optimus battle worthy.

S: Yeah, um, the electric whips were somehow needed for this for some reason, somehow.

O: Optimus, having gained the power of flight, begins to fight Megatron and the Fallen.

S: But not before destroying the Sun Harvester.

O: Megatron's face is badly damaged as Optimus moves on to the Fallen and rips off the Fallen's face saying, and I quote, “Give me your face!”

S: Then Optimus rams his hand through the Fallen's chest and uh, rips out and crushes the Fallen’s spark.

O: Starscream, being the sane one here, suggests that he and Megatron flee.

S: Megatron, considering that he is dealing with both a head injury and a missing arm from the elbow down, takes Starscream up on his offer. The Fallen having been defeated, Optimus returns to the ground and shrugs off all of Jetfire's parts

O: [You] couldn't have kept anything? The gun? No, nothing. Was it a frame thing- did you miss the slimmer frame, Optimus? Just be honest here, you know.

S: I mean, maybe he considered it kind of morbid having like, corpse parts on him? I mean that would be-

O: Fuck if I know.

S: That would be kind of morbid, but yeah... it feels like it's just showing disrespect to Jetfire's sacrifice. [sighs] Then we move back to Sam and Mikaela, interspersed with shots of N.E.S.T., the Navy, Simmons, etc.

O: Ah, yes, soldiers, brothers in arms, kissing! Soldiers, brothers in arms, KISSING!

S: [laughs] Sorry, sorry I was just- like, my brain put those together at first and not what it actually was.

O: [laughs] I mean, to be fair, that would probably be a more interesting movie!

S: Yes. Optimus thanks Sam for saving his life. And I have many questions Optimus. Did you have- what did you see Optimus? What did you see? And we end with an Optimus monologue about the two races working together in the future.

O: Ohh, Optimus, you’re- you're just going to be discarded in two movies, sweetie. Um, don't trust the US Military, we do not have a good track record.

S: Yup. Linkin Park, much like the first film what plays us out as the credits roll.

O: And thus, we are divided from the rest of the movie. A New Divide if you will.

S: Oh, is that a name drop?

O: It's the name of the song. [laughs]

S: Or title drop, yeah.

O: [laughs]

S: Alright, so what's your take?

O: Wow, I really don't like that movie. The last 30 minutes- hour- whatever, felt like an eternity where the only thing happening was explosions, and robots maybe punching each other and I just didn't care about anything that was happening? The early part wasn't really much better, but at least the characters, you know, were talking to each other.

Um, the writing overall isn't good for like, dialogue and again, some of the events just kind of feel like why did this even need to happen? And I do think it's worth mentioning that this was filmed during the 2007 writers’ strike.

Additionally, regardless of how bad I personally find the dialogue, I still have to give props to Peter Cullen's performance of Optimus. Even the first time I saw this movie, I was sad that Optimus died. And keep in mind at the time I didn't know anything about Transformers, aside from seeing the first movie. I feel like Cullen puts a lot of heart to his performance of Optimus, and I really can't think of a time where it's felt like he's phoned it in and I really do appreciate that. Even here, even with the, “Give me your face,” line.

What did you think, Specs?

S: Well, I don't have nearly as much to say as you did.

O: [laughs]

S: Um, I liked Jetfire. The SR-71 Blackbird is a very neat plane, and I mean, I liked it before this movie came out. So, I liked him for more than one reason. But he was cranky, and delightful, and a jet, and the best part of the movie. Everything else was just kind of painful. Yeah.

O: Yeah, I think that's fair.

S: Yeah. I mean, I liked Mikaela too, but...

O: Yeah, she- say goodbye to her because she's not gonna be in the next movie. This is the last one with Mikaela in it.

S: I think she got the better part of the deal.

O: [laughs] Pity we can't make as graceful as an exit.

S: Yep.

O: But that's it for us now. Uh, we will be posting another episode. Uh, where we go into more detail on what we personally would have wanted to see in this movie. But we know this is running along as it is, and I think based on our estimates this should be around the same length as last year's episode so we're gonna split it. We are also aware that you personally may not care about us trying to you know basically fanfic- fix this so…

S: Mm-hm. Remember to check us out on Tumblr or Pillowfort as Afterspark-Podcast for any additional information, show notes, or links we may have mentioned. You can also find us on Facebook and Twitter @AftersparkPod (all one word). And various other locations by searching for Afterspark Podcast, such as AO3, iTunes, Spotify, and Youtube, just to name a few. And feel free to send us questions on Tumblr, Youtube, or AO3.

O: As always, thank you so much for listening. Happy (probably belated by the time this is posted) holidays to everyone. 2020 has been a hell of a rough year, so please stay safe and we will be back with more normal episodes soon.

S: Toodles.

[Outro Music]

S: Sam grabs out a knife and begins carving the Cybertronian siblings into the ground um, I mean, where did you get the knife?

O: You mean symbols? You said siblings.

S: [laughs] God- oh god, I can’t talk!

#transcript #revenge of the fallen #afterspark #afterspark podcast #podcast

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