#funny story time

[vodkassassin]

The day that I realized in middle school that not only could I lie when writing those dumb personal anecdotes but I could lie very well and convince my teacher that I almost accidentally murdered every single sibling (6) to the point she called my mother. she just laughed but it was very funny

LMAO reminds me of that time I accidentally triggered a bomb threat at my online school and had to sit through an embarrassing parent teacher meeting with the school dean

#vodka answers #ask box love twt #wandering thyme #Vod stories #funny story time

[foldingfittedsheets]

Every sales job I’ve worked has that one item. The white whale. The biggest ticket you can sell. The sale you brag about when you’re chatting with other industry people.

When I sold mattresses it was a split king adjustable base. That’s two twin extra long mattresses next to each other to make a king, but each side can move independently. They’re insanely expensive and honestly kind’ve impractical but it was the biggest ticket thing to sell.

When I sold sex toys though our white whale was the 20lb ass. It was a female pelvis, a cut out from the waist to the tops of the thighs. It was hyper realistic material and cost about $500. I definitely had bigger tickets but not in one item typically.

In my time at the sex shop, I sold three. Each time was completely different in terms of how the guy acted about buying it. The first man was a little embarrassed and shy about it. I was professional and supportive as I rang it up. Once I handed him the receipt he looked at the box. Then he looked at me.

If you’ve ever wondered how big a box has to be to fit a 20lb ass let me just tell you: it’s pretty damn big. It’s an uncomfortably large armful of box and every side has a picture of the sex toy inside on it. It’s not subtle.

“Could I get a bag….?”

There was no bag that existed that could possibly contain all that ass. “Hang on,” I told him.

I got scissors and tape and covered the box in cut up black bags. Looking relieved he picked up his purchase and left.

The next man to buy one carried it proudly to the counter; self assured and not embarrassed in the least. When I said I didn’t have a bag, but I could wrap it for him he gave a hearty shrug and hefted it into his arms, marching out the door with the butt on full display.

The last man to get one was just kind’ve an odd guy. Not creepy, but eccentric. We got along great, and as I rang him up I said, “Well one guy wanted his taped over, and one guy carried it out. What would you prefer?”

“There’s no bags?”

“No store bags. I think our jumbo trash bags in the back might fit it….?” It seemed rude to suggest putting a $500 item into a trash bag, but he wasn’t bothered.

He considered this then said, “Bring me the trash bag.”

When I delivered it to him he still managed to surprise me. Instead of shoving the huge box into it he opened the box. He took out his new $500 sex toy, and all the little things it came with, tipping them unceremoniously into the trash bag.

“There! Now I don’t have to deal with the box later!”

I was slightly stunned but agreed that I could easily deal with the trash. Then in a move I still think about with delight he flung the trash bag over his shoulder like a Santa with a sack full of ass and sauntered out the door.

If this or my other escapades made you laugh you could pop a tip into my Ko-fi! For more like this check my tag "ffs foibles".

#ffs foibles #funny #story #writing #story time #sex shop #retail #funny story

[mostly-funnytwittertweets]

#story time #twitter #tweets #meme #memes #tweet #funny #lol

[rock-a-noodle]

My friend's mom: Hi Kelly. Me: Hello would you like to hear about our lord and savior Spyro the Dragon? My friend's mom:...bye Kelly. *shuts the door*

#she was joking don't worry #spyro #me #about me #shut up kelly #funny story time

[high-quality-tiktoks]

from a marketing standpoint this netflix stuff is SO funny to me because it’s definitely not unheard of for companies to totally screw themselves over thinking what did it was a good idea😂😂like imagine to execs at netflix sitting around a table talking about this and saying “oh my god this is such a good idea, we’ll make so much money over this”😂😂😂ahhh i’m howeling

#video #tiktok #tiktoks #story time #funny #lmao #wtf #netflix #falconroundriver

[yokosuckstoes]

I was in a restaurant with my bsf Savvy, whom is a Virgo, so she is extremely petty, saw a girl who's skirt was ALL the way above her ass, decided to fake a selfie, but actually took a photo of her ass💀

if that doesn't scream gay, I don't know what does

#Funny #Storytime #Story time #Funny story #Funny story time #Funny storytime

[cappycodeart]

CONCEPT DOODLES for an AU I dabbled in with a few friends after the winter king episode but kinda forgot about after the Fionna and Cake finale... I decided to revisit it and explore a little more after coming to terms with everything LOL... So, it's another "Winter King doesn't die immediately after his crown gets nuked" AU, but THIS TIME he's just dying really slowly (like Simon in the Betty episode) and ALSO joins Fionna, Cake, and Simon on their search for magic crowns. There's no logic behind this tbh, we just wanted to put him through The Horrors. And make them all friends. But mostly The Horrors. :) (he only gets to live as a treat, because I think he's funny).

Bonus (old screenshot), because this is still funny to me:

#adventure time #atimers #fionna and cake #winter king #simon petrikov #fionna campbell #cake the cat #shared custody au #winter stowaway au #fan art #digital art #flat color #2023 #this is my blog so whatevers man... ima just post what I want now... and what I want rn is silly simon AUs LOL... #so expect more of me releasing my stash tomorrow #this AU makes the story like 500x more messy but it's fine it's funny that's the point don't think too hard about it #this is their fault for killing him now I gotta make up scenarios where he is alive #his design is inspired by some doodles my friend crayon did #ALSO I wanted to keep some of his features different from default simon so they're easier to tell apart... #like YEAH they're the same character... but also I just think it'd be fun... if they had subtle differences... because alternate universes #ALSO HE'S PALE BECAUSE HE'S DYING. JUST MAKING THAT DISCLAIMER... HIS SKIN TONE IS KINDA CLOSE TO DYING SIMON IN THE BETTY EP #BUT IN NORMAL CIRCUMSTANCES HE'D BE CLOSER TO SIMON'S COLORS

[moeblob]

So does he, Gallagher.

#honkai star rail #hsr blade #gallagher #i based this off of how many times i used funny soda man to help be a healer with his poppin soda pop in SU #and then blade constantly just being blade as usual #its normally him saying unnecessary to my actual healer but #i kept forgetting gallagher heals and i kept healing when i didnt even need to so TECHNICALLY yeah it was unnecessary #but the amount of times blade was the recipient...... #i cant use like most of my newer units in story bc i cant ascend or i run out of leveling mats so i just #get them and toss them into simulated universe for funsies cause i can match their levels better #so thats where i tossed gallagher and he is genuinely fun to play as ? like i love his punches and kicks to start the battle #funny soda man is funny (to me) and im really behind in plot still #but last time i tried to play it on my laptop and got a kickass cutscene my laptop lagged and i couldnt even see it RIP to me #so now that its like ... me trying to play it on desktop ? #i mostly get on desktop for comms and if i do much else i feel like im slacking off even if i would take a break anyway #one day i can play more story plot stuff and actually meet the funny guys #also in case you know me for Not Having Boys in HSR i need to point out #i did pull Gallagher however same 10 pull got a 4 star girl copy for someone i never use and she is at e4 now cool #and i didnt even think of the irony as i started this i just like drawing blade and i wanted to draw gallagher #so when i already had the dialogue planned and am drawing i was like OH WAIT haha im funnier than i thought #(no i am not but we can pretend)

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

I want you whipped into shape!

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #better drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #yu ziyuan #wang lingjiao #wen zhuliu #'When I say jump - say “how high'”? You know you're doing it right when you start to cry!“ #Of course I can't resist the Legally blonde reference. This is the Elle Woods is canon in PD-MDZS blog #I love this scene so much. There are a lot of things to say about it and I would go over the limit if I indulged. #Suffice it to say the main takeaway *here* is that I think YZY is milfboss of the millennia. #I intended for this to be posted on international women's day but my ambition led me to keep trying to make it better. #And by better I mean I spent several days (re)drawing this one and that is **not** what poorly-drawn-mdzs is supposed to be about. #I will be making the next few comics worse to compensate <3 At the very least I will honour my time and tag it as 'better drawn' #('my time' spent hunched over my desk while I chant 'this concept is *not* above my skill level!' over and over again) #Funny story about PD!Wen Zhuliu; he was supposed to show up sooner but I kept accidently cutting the comics he would have been in. #So I like to think he just went on a long coffee run. 'Go get me an (insert coffee chain) pink drink' said Wen Chao. #'He never said from which location' said Wen Zhuliu as he proceeded to walk 100km to the farthest cafe he could find.

[98chao]

doodles for today

#its 12am and im really tired but i spent a long time on that first one lol #sonic the hedgehog #sonic fanart #barbie the movie #monster high #bratz #lalaloopsy #<- those are where the outfits are from #amy rose #blaze the cat #rouge the bat #cream the rabbit #surge the tenrec #metal sonic #shadow the hedgehog #metadow #the ending of their story in sonic rivals 2 is really funny to me #why did he rip that chaos emerald out of his chest for shadow with no hesitation #my art #ms paint #2023 #1k

[intotheelliwoods]

HELL WORLD

#nonsense #I needed to express this #haha funny story #I think I ended up starting 2al because I was unemployed and had nothing better to do outside college #I started the job back this semester #but oh no..... that + college is so time consuming!!!! #that and its midterms #o7 #college takes my weekdays #job takes my weekends #I HAVE NO MORE FREE DAYS!!! #all my days I have... something

[foldingfittedsheets]

I feel like I told this tale previously but I cannot find any record of it and so here is the story told once again of the time my betrothed lost sight of their humanity.

I joke sometimes that my betrothed is really a superhuman hiding their secret identity. It honestly tracks based on how often they forget how strong regular people are. They accidentally hurt me just moving around and often overdo acts of strength. I’ve always been pretty waify so it’s bewildering to me.

On this occasion I was sitting calmly on our couch. Our kitchen has a cutout counter so you can see from the kitchen to the sliding glass door on the far side of the room. Between those two points, I lounged on the couch.

“Hey,” they said to me from the kitchen. I looked up.

They held up a mandarin orange, a small inoffensive fruit that didn’t deserve the fate what was about to befall it.

“Catch.”

Now, a gentle underhanded toss could have easily brought the orange to me from where they stood in the kitchen. It could have plopped gently onto my lap if I failed to catch it.

But I think you know that’s not what happened.

Instead, they cocked their arm back for an overhand throw and launched the orange toward me with enough force that I heard it whistle past me. It flew in a blur at high enough velocity that it exploded into a mess of juice and dismay against the glass door.

Not only had they launched the orange fully across the room but there was no conceivable universe that they were even aiming at me, as it’s trajectory was easily two feet away from my placid couch body.

I stared in shock at the wrecked fruit and slowly turned to stare at my betrothed, who was equally stunned. I looked back at the orange juice dripping down the glass, the sad husk of its corpse laying burst and spent on the ground.

“Wh-…. Why?”

They couldn’t say. They had no idea what happened. They honestly thought they were doing a nice toss to me before they committed citrus crimes. But I know they just forgot to put on their human disguise and revealed their superpowers.

#ramblies #my betrothed #funny #ffs foibles #writing #story #story time

[mostly-funnytwittertweets]

#story time #memes #meme #lol #funny #tweets #tweet #twitter

[kimbapisnotsushi]

you know what. miya "i called my fans 'pigs' over a simple misunderstanding and i genuinely don't care what other people think of me and my shit mouth" atsumu and sakusa "i walked up to kageyama tobio and the first thing i said implied that karasuno sucked ass" kiyoomi fucking DESERVE each other

#if you've been with me for a while you've probs noticed i favor atsugin over sakuatsu #but if i've never met a more volatile couple in my LIFE #it's the funniest thing about them #i still do like sakuatsu it makes a very funny complement for iizukita #and sunaosakomo #but those are different stories for different times #sakuatsu #sakusa kiyoomi #miya atsumu #haikyuu #haikyuu!! #sou says stuff

[mechanismslorearchive]

Do y'all know about the Mechs April Fool's joke story?

Happy April Fools! (AKA Don't Trust Jess Day)

To be clear, these are real tweets-- I debated posting them tomorrow so no one doubted, but this felt more seasonal.

#mod miralines #if anyone has the time to add image ids I'd appreciate that! #I don't think most people know this story but it's very funny

[romansmartini]

can we hold hands and listen to this together

#good omens #SO MUCH TO UNPACK HERE. #aziraphale calling crowley dear boy ... aziraphale drunk voice ... aziraphale interrupting with meaningless facts and pissing crowley off #the bird spaceship in particular SOOO FUNNY #“what bird 🤨😐” “thebirdimtalkingabout” aziraphale said ARE YOU TALKING TO OTHER GIRLS. YES OR NO. #also love to hear the story about the bird. happened to my buddy twelve #i had a lot to say but i had to clip this so many times i forgor. give me stuff to talk about im ready for that #wait i remembered. aziraphale talking about the kraken and the “yeah?” “Fact.” oh god crowley wants him so bad