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#fuck i think we forgot that he ssid 'maybe'
my-apollo-gies · 3 years
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Rick's probably never gonna write the Nico solo book. That's it, he was just messing with us this entire time.
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threenorth · 3 years
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Tw blah blah blah who gives a rats ass.
It's only me.
It's beautiful... Yet so hard to be me...
Yet it's more painful to write... Especially over you.
This one out of the many I'm working on...
It's about our relationship through the digital world but i show it in a way that isn't so.. Typical.
It's a about a man who gets trapped in two worlds, think tale of two cities by dickens.
But France is England and England is France.
My doctor says the best writers are good thinkers because they think through their thoughts he suggested asked if i would take a indirect prescript for a book recommendation on mental health i told him I'll try but I'm a stoic at heart he laughed and recommended me mediations by Marcus arelis and i told him ah yes, well everytime i hit the ground I get back up but this time is thr hardest get backup but the whole be pushed 6 down six times get up seven.
on stotism, oh man i love and hate this guy.. You'rd love to hate him too...
He tells me i need to be more able to communicate my feelings and thoughts.. Another blow to my rebuild...i try to write... But it's hard enough being autsic let alone dyslexic too.
Rise of the Nerodiverse i say but we suffer such terrible things, I'm worried that my date nights will become therapy days...
If you could speak for me it would be so nice,.. I told your boy freind about your past, if you never did and he didn't seem to notice my curve ball.
He talked about my mental health, yes it's in the slammer but that's our problem we care to much for each other that we burn a bit of ourselfs for each other, I've had my share of burning myself because what you said but i didn't really click that this time i too burned you. when you need to speak i told him your demons names and he didn't probably ask about them or even care about their names to see my ploy. I might not know the new you, but i know enough.
You tell me i give you an axitety.
Well you give me panic attacks.
But if I could take your grey away like i had done before i would, but now i see i am the pain i thought i was and why i left...
I would say why didn't you warn me but you did, i just refused to admit i would be in that boat.
You ssid things like if you date me your be the cute one saying I'm the cute one oh nonoonono you forgot i look at you and your my cute one.
I would try to come back but every step is a bolt of lightning. And if i saw one coming for you I'd push it away and take the hit.
One day you might remember my eyes change or if you saw the video by now... you have to remember seeing must them grey i told you I swear that's my danger zone, but my greens i thought was my stability now I'm not sure because maybe i'm bipolar I'm probably tripolar at this rate, with my eyes blues I thought was bad but maybe their good.
But the toy store and candy store those are me happy so only you could tell me what you remember...
I will have to be on meds maybe longer then I'd like to be but if I'm a mindless zombie that's what I'd be so can have happyness.
You say you can't trust me and I'd say things like i never told anyone about their names before until that day and he still didn't seem to spot my lie.
God i wish i recoded that call...
Anyway vents aside, your gonna be messaging a dead of page soon enough and i don't plan retuning.
I thought you came to wish me happy birthday so i thought I'd tell you who i am but then that message today yep message received.
Maybe I'll dig out these letters one day if I still have them.
My words are powerless and your words are painful.
Maybe when your stable you can ask me if I am and I'd tell you that I am but when I think i am now I'm uncertain if that's stable.
You said his name and it smacked me, you had taken 2 years to get over me, here's news for you.. I never got over you, I'd tell you that but you wouldn't believe me so here's a wild idea, go look at my blog and maybe your see something that means something to you or worse you don't know why i rebloged it most of my content had been whwt I'm doing or thinking about and sometimes ultimately linking back to you.
I would remove myself from my blog permanently but then we only have fb and instagram.
I don't like those but my instgram might shed light on my world between the days or what have you.
I'm doing okay but I've got a few wounds to clean.
You don't need to apologise, i would but you wouldn't believe me.
It's hard that one day i know your deepest thoughts you could have mine but I didn't share incase they hurt you...and the next I'm just a stranger, you will never be treated as a stranger to me but i guess now you are just a fucking beautiful stranger.
I fucking wish i hated you but i don't.
You hate me, that hurts me because i wish i came back sooner but i didn't want to drag you through the fucking mud and look what happens to me, the one person that I'm haunted by a kiss gets through the fucking mud.
2021 the year i got everything i wanted and the things i didn't want came back for free.Including things i didn't want come, but at least now you have your answers or whatever the fuck i don't know because everytime we talk, it's always the wrong time. So I'd tell you there's no perfect time that's why we have to talk it out but you keep pushing me to a wall.
You asked me if i missed something I was going to say thank you and leave but it hit me harder because i want you... I miss you... I love you...
And maybe your see that when you stable off but I'm not comfortable with going back i tried, i thought i was doing what people said but i guess my brain hears things differently.
With adhd you may see the tiktoks about object permanence, your in my mind i will never forget you, the laugh, the smile but my favourite was your brown eyes...they were like stars but in the day.
Everyday you made me so alive.
Everyday i was loosing my fight but i stayed because of you.
I feel like shit but hey it's a pain i dervse.
If i could be anywhere right now in the world rather then being in colorado I'd pick Nepal and risk climbing Everest to show you what i would do for you, i could die many ways one being when you hugged me i couldn't breathe, i didn't have my inhalers snd at altudie i suffered three days of unable to eat or drink properly, but i didn't mind it... You feed me like no food could.
I'm glad i didn't die before i met you.
I'm sad that now i want you everyday i must die to tell you my thoughts and wished it would break you down and we can be what we we're.
Best freinds and part time lovers.
I wish you could try all the coffee's of Wellington.
I wish you my best but that's never enough for you even if one minute a day i think of you for the rest of my life.
Thank you for being my favourite human, please know i thought i knew my triggers but i guess there's new ones.
I would tell you we should talk but we need safe words but i guess i'm gonna have to learn to slam down my laptop screen.
It's never because of you.
It's because always because of me.
I'm suffering now because yes i blew it.
But if you remember those feelings aren't they worth all the fuck ups? I thought they would be but now all i do is fuck up.
I hope you read every last word but maybe every lsst word I'd pick isn't right.
I'd never speak again if it met i saw you everyday.
I'd never breathe if it ment i could see you.
But i do both because my life was given to me by you.
I don't know if you had learnt strength but for me i kept thinking about my log cabin with you... That's what got me up and now i feel like someone removed it and I'm stuck with my orangey sunsets with the words.
TBWBHOS
Written on the clouds.
I have always wanted to be yours from the day i fallen, to the days i was in pain suffering in the sea.
It's buried but I'll say it again i gave you an anchor, you keep me steady on the rough waters.
I'm tired and tredding but I'm fighting this fight you talked about, i just didn't understand it all i saw was my truma.
You didn't know but you kept giving me attacks of disoation, I'd tell you every word you use It hurts now but I'm glad they hurt i haven't felt like this in forever and it hurts you say them...
I'd tell you ask me your questions but i won't see them, I'd tell you my favourite days of the year but you know them.
Whatever you want from me, the thing i wanted most of all was my rainbow, my inridscent rainbow that i had to put up with rain for...
You.
Out of all my words.
My door is always open for you, i didn't start my life yet because i wanted you to come along...
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