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#fry cheesehead please
spw-art · 3 years
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future fellas
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boasamishipper · 4 years
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ethan hunt midwest headcanons
ethan hunt was canonically born in madison, wisconsin. i was born in milwaukee, wisconsin, and go to school in madison. these are things he has yeah no definitely said and done, in no particular order.
ethan spends a good portion of his childhood going to friday fish frys and still does not understand why restaurants outside of wisconsin do not have these options. (there may or may not be a live polka band at these friday fish frys. dark mission impossible show me ethan dancing to a polka song and the team just being like. what in the hell.)
because of the above ethan also knows how to play the accordion, which is just...an endless delight.
he thinks custard is better than ice cream and will not take questions on the matter. see also: brats are better than hot dogs. no, brats and hot dogs are not the same thing. 
ethan is not a sports person, but has passable knowledge of the lineups and seasons of the green bay packers, the milwaukee brewers, the milwaukee bucks, and the uw-madison badgers. growing up, half his shirts had either a badgers or a packers logo on it. this also means he hates the chicago bears, the chicago cubs, the minnesota vikings, and people from chicago and minnesota with a burning passion. no, he cannot explain why.
ethan isn’t from milwaukee but he has Opinions on alcohol anyway, specifically beer. (pabst sucks even though we invented it, schlitz is meh, miller lite is only alright at tailgates. new glarus is the best, especially spotted cow.) also brandy old fashioned is the best drink in the world.
cheese. you can put cheese on literally everything and have it at every meal. cheese curds (both fried and squeaky), cheese fries, mac and cheese, cheese pizza, cheesecake, cheeseburgers, grilled cheese, cheese plates (with approximately three hundred different kinds of cheese), etcetera. there is good cheese and bad cheese. ethan grew up on a dairy farm; he would know. his seventh birthday party was at the mars cheese castle. asking questions about what the difference is between good cheese and bad cheese will lead to an impassioned two hour lecture. (he gets a cheesehead hat for the imf secret santa exchange and is absolutely delighted.)
this is the only real bloody mary, everything else is pretend.
he is equipped to deal with literally any kind of weather. overwhelming oppressive heat and humidity? ya. temperatures below freezing with wind chills of negative forty degrees fahrenheit? u betcha. rain, sleet, or shine, ethan can handle it. he was one of the boys who wore shorts to school until temperatures went below zero. he also hates snow, though he can handle it and drive through it with the best of ‘em.
ethan’s favorite season is whenever the mosquitoes are dead.
he has been to the harley davidson museum approximately twelve times and knows everything there is to know about motorcycle maintenance and the history of motorcycles. he rode once during the annual harley davidson parade in milwaukee and had the time of his life.
he has also done the polar bear plunge on new year’s day. no water is too cold for him afterwards.
ethan says ‘bubbler’ instead of ‘water fountain’ or ‘drinking fountain’ -- not just because it’s a wisconsin thing, but because of how much he knows it annoys brandt.
ethan no longer has a wisconsin accent due to his time in college and the imf, but when he is tired and/or drunk his accent will start to come back.
hunley: ethan are you hurt ethan: yeah no definitely sir hunley: wait so yeah or no ethan: definitely
jane: alright guys here’s another pitcher of beer for the next round ethan: oh nice start with me last team: ...what
benji: alright the thing is done! ethan: great should i give 'er a go ‘er no benji: uh
waitress: can i get u another drink gentlemen? ethan, tired and drunk: ya we'll have a couple three luther, translating: a few more beers, please
ethan: oh nice the culver’s walleye sandwich is back in season ilsa: is that code for something
ethan: well at least the snow's starting to unthaw benji: it's what sorry ethan: it’s unthawing. it’s melting. benji: but if thawing is melting than isn’t unthawing the opposite??? ethan: no
ethan: i’ll be back, i’ve gotta go to the tyme machine brandt and benji: to the what
ethan puts ranch on everything. brandt is horrified. (one time, ethan says “ope, let me just sneak past you there and grab the ranch" and as soon as he realizes he said it, he dies a little inside. luther never lets him live it down.)
assorted miscellaneous midwestern things that ethan has definitely said: you betcha, cripes, stop-and-go light, roundabout, ya or no, clicker (instead of remote), soda (which is correct, not pop), ‘believe you me’, ‘cold enough for ya?’, ‘want to come with?’, 'ass over tea kettle’, etc. luther is the only one who knows what ethan is talking about when he goes Full Midwestern.
ethan can pronounce the name of every city in wisconsin perfectly, and without a second of hesitation. see: oconomowoc, potawatomi, manitowoc, pewaukee, milwaukee, sheboygan, lac du flambeau, waukesha, mukwonago, oshkosh, kewaunee, waupaca, ashwaubenon, wautoma, weyauwega, gillett, poniatowski, chequamegon-nicolet. (yes, i can pronounce all of these too.)
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