Putaran hidup biasa untuk segala mujtamak dibumi..
Dewasa adalah fasa yang paling berselirat, ruwat..
Berkelahi dengan perasaan diri sendiri yang serba kekurangan..
Menebang segala tembok ego yang sentiasa menjadi punca perbalahan..
Menebas hingga lunyai segala ujian semata untuk hadap masa depan..
Menoreh hingga kurus demi ilmu yang membantu menjadi perisai hidup..
Menadah hingga banjir akan kutukan dan kritikan yang serba tidak kena..
Lupa hanya untuk berserah segalanya pada DIA..
Terlalu takut untuk ratah segala ujian yang ada..
Terlalu mengeluh akan serba kekurangan..
Ada perkara yang lebih banyak untuk bersyukur..
Sampai lupa.. Rupanya..
DIA rindu akan suara untuk meminta dan mengadu..
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10YEARS AFTER TUMBLR
it feels good to be back on Tumblr. The last time I was on this site I was 13 yrs old integrating into high school in the summer when the the vibes & my teen angst was at its high . The year was 2011 & the rising artists at the time were Tyler the creator of OFWGKTA
who broke all odds of social norms by what could be played on tv in the early mornings of MTV’S music countdown before we all left for school wiith his single YOKERS.
The ASAP MOB was coming up fast & drake just released his 2011 album “TAKE CARE”. Those artist set the tone for my entire high school experience & to be honest I feel as if they set the tone of an entire generation. Tumblr was filled with snippets of Tyler and the asap mob, id sit on my school bus blasting heustalantavegas by drake on repeat. Every boy referred to themselves as the “goon squad” & We’d tune into MTV at 8PM to watch the latest episodes of jersey shore while we tweaked our Tumblr HTML codes to help showcase our personalities, likes and interests. I can still hear my mom yelling to me from the other room to give it a break and eat dinner, but I needed to find that one special song for my playlist first. The times have changed & since I've been gone so have I , I look back at those years & I'm just automatically taken back by my old Tumblr account “this was me back then” is what I think to myself & the nostalgia comes rushing back. The music I loved so dearly rings in my ears like it was yesterday ( tbh I still listen to those songs haha ) but I think that's the beautiful thing about being back on this site, Seeing just how much things have grown since then. I'm a poet & artist now and I'm proud to say that I'm in a more still and sane space, I still have a bits of the 2011 Tumblr in me but at the same time, even the posts I find intriguing now just shows how much my mind has expanded. I may be looking too deep into it but to me its very moving. I decided to come back on Tumblr to utilize this as a little journal I guess, to showcase my art, poetry & interests & in a way its a new outlet to showcase my heart space and mind but I do miss 2011 & the blogs I knew back then. The posts that molded me and inspired me as a artist and creative I am today. I wonder just a bit how the 2011 Tumblr kids are doing now and if they ever went back to their old accounts, it was the biggest culture shift for me to witness & a very bitter sweet sight. I guess I just want to say, thank you 2011.
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Never found me
Ya know many people have told me
Everyone starts somewhere
Where should I go?
How should I start?
We all got places to be
We all have dreams to aim
we all have past and paths to go through
I ain’t lying but I never said I had changed
yes I have changed but in a different way
I’m way more complex
Like I said I’m way more into the books
Feel like I lost what i was all about
What I wanted to overcome
To face a fear
Now everybody is proud of me
For the wrong reasons they cherish me
It’s my damn family
Anyone consist of family
I feel stuck like this isn’t me
I’ve been trying real hard
All I wanted was to please
But sooner enough I broke down and cut ties
I do what I gotta do
People say take a risk
I say three
how do we know if we never try
I can never know I’m scared to find out why
Like a bum on the streets
ask for their stories
They’ll tell you
I never listened to me
Though I didn’t change the way I moved
opportunity and luck never found me
Why study maths when I could study how the light reflects upon your eyes? I could study how you talk, how your eyes wander much too fast for your brain to take in all of it, how your voice changes based on your mood. Why must I study something that does not interest me nearly as much as you do?
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I have gone from wanting to die every day
To only wanting to die some days.
There are days where I remember that I am strong
But there are still days where I can feel the metal drag across my skin
Some days where crying seems nearly impossible to having so much emotion I can’t stop.
It’s funny I always thought recovery was a straight road
Where the pieces would fall into place one by one
But the roads get so confusing and distorted I’m not even sure I’m in recovery at all...
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A free write
I feel obsessed today
With the skies so clear and-
the fresh air just takes away pain
The pain I tried to cope with
Pain I tried to hide
Internally I can’t figure out
I feel obsessed today
I can’t concentrate
How busy I am
Cloud myself with work
Gain burn outs with writing these books
I feel obsessed today
Didn’t want to type this night
Didn’t want to obsess anyone
Or leave them scared
No one likes fright
What’s more frightening is I can’t delete-us away
I can’t wish it away
Troubled times do not last
An illness might
A pill will keep you asleep
A pill will drown your sorrows away
It’ll keep you grounded
But the illness is in the head
It’s dead and wants a hug
A hug can’t be given inside a brain
Neither can food support it’s broken heart
It’s a start
I am obsessed
It was me who never feared death
Something about the calm nothingness was satisfying to me
I’ve always been afraid of living
For I fear the regret and pain I’ll feel in the last minutes.
I fear the wrong choices yet to be made
I fear the decline of health
There’s something often familiar and welcoming about death
Whereas life is unpredictable and truly surprising.
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This is my free-write inspo
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury-
I present to you, me- my best friends-
and all my day ones
Me myself and all allies in the front
Me my childhood and rounding up sums
To make full meaning-
Investing our future in us
The Grand new “US”
The exotic take-the aura look
We attract them to the table
What do they have for us
Send them a bottle
Let them be on their way
We don’t like hate
Yeezy made no mistakes
Glitter and rain
It might come today
Hope and wish our glo day-is better than this entrée
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i wrote about you today.
for the first time in a while i sat down and thought of you, only you inside and out.
i didn’t put to words how i felt about you, what you’ve done to me, our experiences together.. just about you.
my observations, what i can’t seem to forget about; the flecks of color radiating in your eyes, the curve of your lips, the softness of your skin, the way your hands fit my face perfectly when you grab it to kiss me deeply...
i wrote about it all.
you’re beyond beautiful;
even more than the soft rain that dropped onto the roof of my car, the slow ripples that swept up on the shoreline of the river, or the tires of your car as you drove away...
it was nice to think of you that way.
it was almost as if i see you how i did in our beginning.
i’ll always remember you that way, it’s easier to remember you for the beauty you resonate and for the traits that made me fall for you so quickly..
it’s more enjoyable too.
happy mother's day, i guess
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In this time and age
I leave like this and dress like that
I’ve never seen what could be done
In a time of conflict I do a quick switch
What I said could never be undone
I could regret and I could hold back
The beat in my heart is a drummy drum
Say your feelings! Speak your heart!
My heads locked in a cage and myself in a headlock-
for I’m filled with rage, someone made it about themselves-
So I have to pay- characteristics in my storybook- on writing day
The minute I become a minute man, unwrap these
They’re my to go’s
They’re my free-throws
And It’s my last chance
To see fans stand
In my marching band
Located in my la-la land
It’s my imagination
And it’s my dream
It’s my landing on the moon
The accomplishments this morning
It’s how I feel tonight
It’s a bit redundant It’s a bit shallow
It’s a bit repetitive and I’m a bit reluctant
Everybody’s acting weird for the quiet girl finally had enough of it
And now you have
broken the commitment to
misery, what you’ve always known
Created a future filled of highly anticipated moments
That doesn’t fall to victimization,
but accountability and discipline
That lets itself feel what it needs; any and
All blues and yellows it stumbles upon,
Says what it needs to,
Does what needs done;
Those hard decisions with unwavering commitment
Rather than teetering upon the hillside until the harsh wind sweeps you South alongside it.
You haven’t figured it all out yet,
Hell I bet you never will (transition, your obsession)
But I’m willing to bet any possession that in a year’s time
You’ll find yourself
Resisting the urge to retreat to circumstances of misfortune.
You’ve done it;
Hurdled the boundaries,
Created a new path, instead of cycling the endless full circle clothed in self-neglect and repression.
You’re at the starting line awaiting the gunfire to send you on your way…
But how’s the terrifying yet refreshing desolation?
Coping with Cut Ties
sometimes the wall just breaks, and i am left with this guilt and vulnerability. i feel guilty because i am expressing emotions out loud. in a time that is inappropriate and in a house that does not tolerate this kind of disrespect. i am guilty because i had a painful feeling arise from that situation or that comment or that tone or your disregard. i feel vulnerable because the wall is breaking. people are going to witness this train-wreck lose her well composed composure. because i learned early that the world does not revolve around me. that time will not stop for me. i grew up believing that my needing was being selfish. if i worried about how i felt and how i feel that would make me a bad person. so now that i am older and know a little more, i haven’t put myself first. i never put myself first. i am terrified of being selfish because i need healing. i hide my true colors to make sure i dont make someone as tortured as i am. as hurt as i am. i blur my words and hide my face as you are speaking to me.
Imagine you're wandering through a dark forest. The chirping of birds, croaking of frogs, and chattering squirrels fill the silence.
Some where in the distance something is running. Snapping of branches, crunching of foliage, screams for help replace the wildlife's chittering.
You're frantically looking for the source of the screams, thundering footfalls seem to come from every direction. You try to call out, but to no avail. Panic begins to rise. The once calm serene image before you slowly changes. The forest is darkening, the hiss of snakes and screeches of owls now fill the air.
The screams are closer, maybe just through the line of trees. Once you reach it no one is there, but the screams are. Slowly you turn, reach for a tree to lean on.
It's not a tree. It's a mirror. The screams are coming from inside the sliver glass. It's you.
Tiga kosong tahun baru sedar ada baiknya..
Baiknya hanya untuk menjaga hati..
Hati yang tidak ada kena mengena dengan masalah kendiri..
Tiga kosong tahun baru tahu ada gunanya..
Gunanya untuk tutup akan segala busuk dimuka dan hati...
Lupa sebentar akan punca busuk itu...
Walau hanya sebentar,punca hati tenang..
Tiga kosong tahun..
Calm down. Need to calm down.
He can't think straight to save his life. What was that? What did he just witness?
Don't worry about that right now. What if they know you saw? What if they do something about it?
Need to hide.
Bloodshot eyes filled with panic survey the giant warehouse, assessing the best possible hiding spot. However, the place is so aged and decrepit, it's a miracle the ceiling is still intact.
There! That bunch of crates!
He dashes to the corner of the warehouse, trying his hardest to ignore the searing pain that shoots through his left shin. He pries open the most intact - looking one, and swiftly jumps in. He curls into himself as best he can, praying to whatever deity was willing to listen, hoping he would just get out of this mess he never asked to get into.
For a while, there's only silence - but not the soothing kind, no; the kind that eats you alive, that suffocates you. He could hear a pin drop 50 meters away, or the blood pumping through his veins in his eardrums. He makes his breathing more shallow, in an effort to minimise the sound. As seconds pass and turn to minutes, though, he becomes even more agitated and starts holding his breath in intervals. The pain has now become borderline unbearable as a small pool of blood forms beneath him. The makeshift bandage can no longer contain it.
You have to get out of here. You need to make sure they've gone. Is it safe? Where are they now? Did they see me run in here?
As he starts recollecting himself, he replays the events in his head. The creek, unlike this humid warehouse, was full of life and sounds. So, even though they saw him, he realised that doesn't mean they were able to track him all the way here based only on sound. Also, he was on top of the hill; they were at the bottom. Line of sight was broken practically as soon as it was established. It's possible they weren't even able to find the damn place-
His train of thought dies and rots right before his eyes, as the gate gets knocked off its hinges and lands on the floor with a deafening clang that seems to echo forever. The sound that the startled readjustment of his posture creates thankfully gets completely covered up by the gate.
Okay, don't panic, they could have just found this place and they don't necessarily know you're in-
"Oh come o-o-out! I know you're in here."
Or maybe you're just God's jester today. That also seems very plausible.
The sickening trill in the man's voice as he calls out to him haunts him. He could hear him smiling as he spoke. It had to be a sicko with a sing-songy voice. Couldn't it be someone that hunts him down silently and respectfully?
"Look, I know you saw... what you saw. You probably have some questions. I'm more than happy to explain anything and everything! Just come out and let's talk this out."
No way. No way in the seven circles of hell he'll do that. He sounded so... frantic. So eager to 'talk'. So... wrong. It made the pit in his stomach become ten times deeper. The dude just got done crushing someone's skull with his freakish powers for God's sake. He's not going to talk this out.
Okay, okay, okay... You need a way out. A way out...
The closest exit is a window. A reinforced window. Because of course the windows of this ruined factory in the middle of a forest remain intact and pristine, what excellent craftsmanship. The gate's a no-go, too, since he won't risk so much as a glance at it, only to be seen. It would seem there's no way out.
It sounds like he's alone. The other people he saw are definitely nowhere near here. The forest outside is quiet. Did this person pursue him alone...?
"If you just come out, things will be okay! I promise!"
Need to think. Need to come up with something-
"...You know, I could just walk straight to your little hiding spot and end this. But I'm giving you a chance. A choice. I don't appreciate my generosity going unacknowledged."
The sudden shift from fake-friendly to threatening caught him off-guard. He decided it doesn't matter if he's the only one looking for him, this crazy dude is terrifying enough all on his own.
Trapped. I'm trapped. This is where I die. He'll blow my brains out with his own brain. He'll turn me into mush any moment now. Why did it have to be a goddamn freak-
He flicks his wrist. Warmth envelops his palm as a faint, tiny flame forms over it. The heat does not seem revolting anymore, no; it's almost comforting. He never thought he'd be glad his power worked.
In an instant, he decided it. I'll make my own way out.
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"In the depth of the universe a small piece of carness is molding the writings on an infinite scroll that the eye which sees the children under the sky. Many people chase a dream on an invisible road heading towards a door as to the others they walk slowly, fixing and repairing there path as touches of their beauty is what makes them unique as people can notice them. The ground we all walk upon is equal to everyone no-one has or more ground than one another we share the scenery, air and the blue sky, only fools find the false values in life where the true treasure lies within themselves. To the mass of people no wisdom is ever worth nothing to die without wisdom is the triumph, nobody's temple is empty only when you open the gate to your soul you become infinite as your mark is left your story is written as you are apart of (All) in the creation of the eye which sees your importance as a gift, you are a true testimony here a treasure a friend indeed to the infinite (All)." "Wisdom is the richest value to humanity"
-Jeremy R. Young
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~Tết Hà Nội ~
Tôi không phải là một đứa con sinh ra và lớn lên ở đất kinh kì, tôi đến nơi này khi thành phố đã bắt đầu đổi mới. Nhưng tôi được nghe kể rằng, đã từng có một Hà Nội rất khác. “Mùa xuân của tôi - mùa xuân Bắc Việt, mùa xuân của Hà Nội - là mùa xuân có mưa riêu riêu, gió lành lạnh, có tiếng nhạn kêu trong đêm xanh, có tiếng trống chèo vọng lại từ những thôn xóm xa xăm có câu hát huê tình của cô gái đẹp như thơ mộng…” (trích “Thương nhớ mười hai” của nhà văn Vũ Bằng). Trong tâm trí của một đứa trẻ non nớt tôi rất tò mò không biêt Tết mùa xuân của đất Bắc sẽ như thế nào nhỉ? Chắc hẳn nó sẽ rất cổ kính và thanh lịch. Xe cô có thể tấp nập nhưng không phải cố chen lấn trên đường phố mỗi giờ tan tầm hay sáng sớm. Người ta sẽ có nhiều thời gian ngồi xuống bên ấm trà, dành thời gian bên nhai hỏi thăm, kể nhau nghe từng câu chuyện nhỏ, tận hưởng bầu không khí ấm cúng cùng những người thân yêu
Và thời điểm hiếm hoi để tận hưởng và trải nghiệm điều đó chắc chỉ có chiều 30 Tết, thời điểm yêu thích nhất của nhiều người tại thành phố luôn xộn xạo, ì xèo này. Mọi người vẫn luôn nói chiều 30, ngày mồng 1 là khoảng thời gian mà Hà Nội được trả lại dáng vẻ đẹp nhất. Không ồn áo, náo nhiệt; nó trở nên êm đềm hơn, mảnh đất cổ nghìn năm được trả lại sự sâu lắng và thâm trầm của riêng nó. Ở trọ nơi này cũng sắp sửa được 30 năm, trải qua những cái tết với những dư vị khác nhau nhưng chiều 30 luôn là thời gian tuyệt vời để bản thân chậm lại giúp, để những gì đã qua đã đi trong một năm được lắng đong lại, tấm lòng rộng rãi để đón nhận những gì sắp tới. Ngày còn nhỏ, tôi vẫn một lần, mẹ con chúng tôi rủ nhau lên chợ Đồng Xuân để thấy người Hà Nội ăn Tết thế nào. Khi cả một con đường dài sáng rực vì được nhuộm trong sắc đỏ, sắc vàng của cờ hoa. Từng gánh hàng bánh kẹo, mứt, ô mai với đủ màu sắc, mùi hương nằm trải dài trên con phố. Người ta vẫn nói khó cả năm, sang 3 ngày Tết, cái cảm giác tấp nập nhưng vội vã lo âu mà đầy sung túc, ấm áp. Trên những con đường khác người thưa dần, cái lạnh se sẽ nhẹ nhàng vỗ vào mặt, hít một hơi cho lồng ngực được căng đầy với luồng khí thanh sạch đó. Lang thang một mình trong không khí tĩnh lặng thì thật tuyệt.
Theo thói quen tôi vẫn hay đến thăm người thầy xưa cũng như người quen gia đình tôi. Ngày đi học, tôi nơm nớp lo sợ mỗi khi thầy cầm viên phấn viết lên bảng, nhìn những đề toán của thầy tôi có lúc muốn bật khóc. Những ngày cuối năm ngồi với thầy, cả hai vợ chồng thầy luôn niềm nở kể chuyện, tâm sự, hỏi thăm gia đình tôi. Thầy là một người Hà Nội gốc, giỏi giang những vẫn giản dị với những câu chuyện đời thường, vẫn trân quý con người. Ngoảnh đi ngoảnh lại, gần 30 năm sống ở đấy, có lẽ tôi thấy mình có một chút duyên và nhiều nợ với mảnh đất này. Tuy chỉ là kẻ ở trọ, tôi còn yêu Hà Nội nhiều. Yêu cái sự thâm trầm, sâu lắng của mảnh đất này, yêu khí chất đặc biệt con người nơi đây.
Nhưng giờ, nó nhộn nhạo quá rồi. Đã có thời gian tôi rời khỏi nơi đây và sống ở những thành phố khác, dù cơ sở hạ tầng nơi đó cũng phát triển nhưng ở đó tôi vẫn tìm ra được một chất riêng. Còn trong mắt tôi giờ chỉ nhìn thấy Hà Nội giống như một khu công trường hỗn độn khổng lồ với những dự án quy hoạch xây dựng mọc như nấm sau mưa. Một bầu không khí tất bật mà con người phải chạy ngược chạy xuôi cả đêm lẫn ngày. Và trái ngược với những khu thương mại, dịch vụ đầy đủ, tiện nghi gì của người dân là những khu ổ chuột, nơi những con người phải lam lũ lo cho từng bữa cơm hàng ngày. Người ta đến thành phố này chẳng còn "Nhập gia tùy tục" nữa mà “nhập gia phá tục” nhiều hơn. Và rồi khi Tết, người ta ở lại thành phố cũng nhiều hơn, tôi chẳng còn cái không khí háo hức và vui mừng nữa, chỉ thấy trống trải giữa thành phố này
Và Tết này tôi đã chỉ muốn ăn Tết một mình
Một mình không phải là chùm chăn kín mặt, xa lánh xã hội, chỉ đơn giản là chủ động làm một mình những điều mình thấy là cần thiết, không theo ý ai, không cần hòa vào không khí, không cần bất kì một trò vui nào. Vậy nên chỉ có hai nơi tôi muốn đến
Mồng 2, về chơi với bà. Tôi ở với ông bà từ những ngày còn nhỏ vì sức khỏe mẹ tôi không được tốt. Ông là người dạy tôi những từ tiếng anh đầu tiên và trên đầu lưỡi và tâm trí tôi không bao giờ quên mùi vị những món ăn mộc mạc mà đậm đà của bà. Bà vẫn ngồi trên cái phản cũ, đồ đạc được xếp đầy trong một góc. Vẫn căn phòng cùng cái mùi âm ẩm phảng phất chút bụi cùng tiếng cót két của cánh cửa xếp cũ mỗi lần mở ra đóng vào:
- Hình như người ta mới mở đường mới hả bà?
- Ừ đúng rồi! Chỗ viện người ta mới mở rộng nên mở cả đường, xe cộ cứ đi lại cả đêm vui lắm
- Tết các cô có xuống không bà?
- Các cô mới xuống mang cả chắt xuống. Chúng nó nghịch lắm phải trông liên tục hà hà
Ngồi gọn trên chiếc phản, tựa lựng vào tường, với tiếng cười cười khe khẽ, bà và tôi kể về những chuyện ngày xưa, về tình hình các con các cháu bây giờ. Nhấm nháp mấy thứ hạt cùng ngụm nước chè đầu xuân, những câu chuyện nhỏ cứ thế kéo dài khiến mấy tiếng đồng hồ trôi qua chỉ trong nháy mắt. Bà vẫn cứ nhắc: “Mấy đứa chóng có con có cháu đi, không thì không biết lúc nào bà đi lại không được gặp chắt”. Người khác nghe vậy sẽ thường cười xòa bảo bà cứ lo xa, bà còn khỏe mạnh sống cả trăm tuổi. Tôi chỉ cười nhẹ, có lẽ vì tôi không có thói quen nói lời êm tai chăng? Và có lẽ bà và tôi cùng hiểu sẽ đến lúc con người phải đối diện với giới hạn của đời người, khi mà mọi hạnh phúc khổ đau, mọi lo toan, khoái lạc sẽ tan hết trong luồng gió. Để rồi con người nhận ra từng thứ nhỏ nhoi lại là thứ đáng quý như từ bát canh hôm nay ngọt ngào hơn vì cô bán hàng có được mớ cua ngon. Hay là chuyện lâu lắm rồi mới lại có cái Tết rét ngọt, người ta nhờ đó lại được xúng xính áo quần đi chơi phố, tận hưởng không khí du xuân
Mồng 3, đi chúc Tết một người đặc biệt trong cuộc đời tôi mà tôi muốn dùng từ bố để gọi. Đã quyết định thành thông lệ, cả năm bận bịu thì Tết nhất định phải có ngày qua thăm bố. Chúng tôi đã biết nhau được hơn 10 năm, vì nhiều chuyện cá nhân mà gần một nửa số đó không được gặp nhau rồi để khi lại gặp rồi ông ấy nói: "Tao không nói nhưng tao vẫn xem nhớ". Bố, con biết mà, con biết cuộc đời con sẽ là con đường khúc khuỷu nhưng là con đường con muốn đi. Con muốn khóc, muốn cười, muốn đau, muốn thấm trải mọi thứ. Nhiều người nói con điên, dở, khổ, vân vân. Bố cũng hay mắng con như vậy: “Nghĩ ít thôi mày, vui lên đi, chơi đi, cứ ở nhà rồi lại suy nghĩ” Nhưng con biết 1 điều: đã có nơi con luôn có thể tìm về, được thả lỏng bản thân, được nói, được cười trong căn phòng nhỏ ấm cúng thoảng thoảng mùi thuốc bắc ấy
Vậy là một cái Tết nữa lại qua. Người ta vẫn nói tết là đoàn viên. Nhưng cũng có lời rằng "Nhà không phải là địa điểm mà là những người trong đó". Chiều cuối năm nghe nhạc và tâm sự của bác Trần Tiến "Hà Nội ngày ấy trên bến dưới thuyền...30 năm du ca, 1 lần trở về thăm phố cũ tôi bỗng thấy cần tạm dừng bước lắng xuống....dẫu đã muộn cũng ghi lại đôi nét kĩ họa về những con đường đi qua, những người đã gặp và cùng đi qua quãng hành trình ngắn ngủi này, đó là lời tạ lỗi của tôi với những gì cuộc đời đã cho, là tâm sự của người con người bạn, của người em kiếp phôi pha, của người bạn tình thủy chung". Nó lại làm tôi nhớ nhung. Đôi lúc suy nghĩ muốn bỏ nơi này mà đi lắm, để quên hết những sự ngang trái mệt mỏi ở thành phố này, quên đi những áp lực, những tổn thương đè nặng sau bao năm. Tình đã hết. Nhưng. Nghĩa có lẽ chưa dứt. Dù thế nào cũng chính tại nơi này, tôi đã gặp được những con người thật đặc biệt (ít nhất tôi thấy vậy). Ở cùng họ cho tôi được lớn lên (đôi khi họ không nhận ra), được hiểu mình hơn, được rõ ràng trong con đường mình đã đang và sẽ đi (dù con đường đó chẳng giống ai). Tết này tôi một mình, một mình đi tìm gia đình tôi
On Cloud Nine
(Mlm, trans and cis guy, drug use)
Alcohol had never really been my thing, so when my buddy Vince brought out blunt he was saving for after the party I was all for it. Most people by then had left the frat house, leaving just myself, Vince, his girlfriend, and our other good friend Mike to share the blunt before heading to our rooms for the night. Just before we were about to light up another person entered the room.
“Jasper, you finally made it,” Vince greeted him and waved to come sit with us, “You know Mike, but I don’t know if you’ve met Xavier” he introduced us.
Jasper was a little on the shorter side, wearing ripped skinny jeans and a black hoodie with our college logo on it. His short light brown hair peeked out just a bit beneath his beanie. When my eyes reached his face I found myself looking just a bit too long, he was definitely cute, and I was a sucker for snake bites. I would never admit I was bisexual to my frat brothers though, and certainly not to a stranger.
I glanced away before he noticed me staring as asper he and sat beside me on the couch, “Nice to meet you,” I managed to get out as Vince lit up and started passing.
After a couple puffs I felt myself ease up. Light conversation was had as we passed around the blunt, Jasper was pretty funny and I found conversation was easy to keep with him. Sometime after the blunt was finished Mike excused himself and the four of us were left in the room. Jasper and I continuing to talk as Mike and his girlfriend were clearly getting a bit flirty.
“I think we might excuse ourselves as well,” Mike finally said as he took his girlfriend’s hand, “Feel free to stay the night Jasper, the house is free to any friends, Xavier will take care of you”.
Without another word they disappeared from the room leaving me and Jasper alone. The high was really setting in at this point. I felt light and relaxed, admittedly a little horny and maybe a bit couch locked, i’ll take care of myself later once Jasper and I finished talking. Although at this point Jasper was doing more of the talking and I was staring at his lips, wondering how i’d feel to kiss them.
“so” Jasper said and I found myself snapping out of my daze, I didn’t realize how close he got. He was sitting right beside me now, his hand in my thigh, “You okay? You look like your on cloud nine. You got really high”.
My leg felt like it was on fire beneath his hand, “Uh yeah, i’m alright. I’m just..”
“Horny?” He suddenly said and I felt my cheeks turn bright red at his forwardness.
“Oh I uh,” I sat up a bit, “I mean yes, i’m sorry. Let me excuse myself”.
But before I could get up Jasper closes the distance between us to kiss me. At first I was extremely shocked, but his soft lips mixed with the high I was riding made me ease up and I kisses him back.
When he pulled away I looked at him with quite possibly the most dumbfounded face I could make which made him giggle to himself, “I could see the way you looked at me when I walked in, but if i’m wrong you can just tell me”he said waiting for my response.
For some reason all I could think to say was “i’m not gay, i’m bisexual” which made me feel even more dumb. “I’ve never been with a guy”.
He grinned at me and adjusted himself so he was on his knees in front of me, “Don’t worry big boy” he said as his hands toy with my jeans, “your secret is safe with me”.
I lifted my hips to help pull my jeans off, revealing my throbbing hardness. Jasper eagerly took me in his hands starting slow as he jerked my cock. The pleasure of my cock finally getting some attention mixed with the high made me bite my lip to hold back a moan. Jasper seemed disappointed by my silence and frowned up at me before running his tongue slowly up the tip of my cock over and over while he continued jerking.
“Oh fuck” I finally moaned out loud as he did it a few more times making me throw my head back and close my eyes so I could focus in the feeling.
“ That’s more like it” I hear him say, “Don’t hold back, let me hear you”
Without skipping a beat he takes my tip in his mouth and starts bobbing his head, working his way further down my shaft. His tongue going to work as he picks up speed aggressively jerking me off at the same time. I could feel myself getting close and started bucking my hips up into his face, gripping the couch, “Fuck Jasper, i’m gonna cum.”
He pulled away for a minute to look up at me and I desperately looked down at him, “relax Xavier” he gets off his knees but keeps a hand on my twitching cock, rubbing his thumb over the tip to keep me on edge, “you’ll get to cum when I say so”.
He releases my cock to quickly take off his own jeans, “Close your eyes” he orders and I obey without a second thought. I hear him shuffle around a bit more before I can feel him climbing into my lap, “Now I have to ask, how does this make you feel” he says as he grinds his hips into mine.
I was expected to feel a rock hard cock against mine but instead I felt something warm and slick against my cock. I opened my eyes and looked down to confirm my thoughts.
“Hope you don’t mind i’m trans,” he says through a moan as his t cock rubs against mine.
High and blisses out on the feeling of him grinding against me all I could do was shake my head no. Every sensation felt overwhelming and I wanted nothing more than to fuck up into him. I started grinding my hips back and moved my hands to grab his.
“Not yet,” he orders as I try to line up the head of my cock with his boy pussy.
He grinds against it, the tip of my cock getting closer to penetrating him, but when I try to buck my hips he grabs my chin and makes me look up at him.
“What do you say Xavier?” He teases as be grinds.
“Please,” I ask desperately.
He seemed satisfied with my begging and shifted his hips. He didn’t release my chin as he lined up with my cock again, lowering himself painfully slow onto it. The feeling of his tightness around me made a deep moan escape my lips. I couldn’t hold back any longer and bucked up into him, bottoming out inside him. His face twisted with shock and pleasure at my suddenness.
“Fuck!” He yells placing his hands on my shoulders, I give him a moment to adjust to me before slowly thrusting in and out. Matching my rhythm he grinds his hips to keep my cock buried deep inside him.
I found myself getting lost in pleasure, closing my eyes as I started picking up my pace. But before I could I heard him chuckle evilly as he pulled away, leaving just the tip of my cock inside him. I grunted in annoyance and gripped his hips to push him back down, but Jaspers hand moved from my shirt to my throat as I did, choking me lightly to get my attention. I opened my eyes to look up at him, “don’t forget i’m in charge here, You wanna fuck me harder?” He said, “then you gotta take control.”
I was normally very calm, not controlling during sex. I would normally take it easy, let him have some fun. But after being edged twice now I felt something come over me. I grabbed his hips aggressively, slamming him down on my cock before picking him up. I could tell he was surprised by my suddenness, wrapping his arms and legs around me. I didn’t bother to wait for a reaction before throwing him on his back to the couch and aggressively fucking into him. My cock slamming up into him over and over again, making him moan uncontrollably.
“Fuck daddy,” he moans into my ear, “that’s more like it. Fuck me hard”.
Pounding into him I could feel myself getting closer, I was going to cum this time and he wasn’t going to stop me, “fuck, i’m gonna cum Jasper” I warned getting ready to pull out.
He wrapped his legs tight around me, “don’t pull out. Please. Cum inside me” he begs grinding his hips to tempt me.
The begging mixed with his tightness and high state made me lose any ability to hold on any longer. I buried my cock deep inside him as I came hard, making him cum as well. Collapsing in top of him after hitting our climax.
After taking a minute to catch our breaths I sit up and go to grab my pants. But Jasper moves himself to sit back in my lap, grabbing a joint from the table and lighting it before offering it to me.
“If it’s alright with you,” he speaks softly as he eases himself back onto my semi hard cock, “i’m want to stay on cloud 9 a bit longer...”
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