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lgbtpolitics · 4 years

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Realising I am a lesbian (this is gonna be long)

This is not something I talk about much because I see it as something personal and not for public discussion. Equally I feel that online discussions, especially on tumblr are steeped in this idea of "winning" an argument, "proving" you're allowed to say this or that and "owning" your "opponents" and I dont like my personal story to have any part of that.

But the recent discussion I was just having made me reminisce a lil bit so I'm gonna talk about it now. Because I feel like where I'm coming from on this is pretty relevant.

Something you need to understand is that I was not popular in primary school. I had like barely any friends. I basically got it into my head that I was more mature than everyone else, and I was like, so excited to go to secondary school. I watched all the rom coms about high school and I just saw it as my chance to be the super popular girl, that dates all the boys, and everyone loves etc. This fantasy of myself as the next regina George was something that really kept me going during that time. And I went to secondary school and tbh I got my wish- ofc real life isnt as dramatic as the movies, there was no dramatic walking down the halls with everyone in awe- but for all intents and purposes i was relatively popular, had my little girl gang, and most importantly, loads of boys fancied me. I got my first kiss age 11 and just felt I was succeeding in life. I subsequently got slapped in the face with the realisation that I was a lesbian.

Now this was like, unacceptable to me. I basically promised myself that it didn't matter, I was gonna stay closeted forever, I could still date boys, no one needed to know. This idea i had that my attractiveness to boys was my sole life force was not going away any time soon. So i did that. I dated boys, and I was enjoying it too. I knew I wasnt really into them (do not @ me about the ethics of that this is middle school it was never gonna last regardless) but really the whole point of dating them was to satiate my need to be the super attractive girl, not actual feelings. That was true before I realised I was gay and it was still true afterwards so yeah I was still getting that same buzz, the delight of realising someone's into me, scrutinizing him with my friends, gossiping about it- I was loving it. So far none of this is sounding very gay I know. The thing was these relationships would never last longer than maybe like 2 months. That's not that strange for that age group, hence why no one picked up on it, but after the initial hype wore down, after it became something in my life not a new adventure I was just bored and I started to hate it. I remember this would change really rapidly, almost overnight I would go from being so excited about him to just wanting him nowhere near me. I like kinda knew this was because of my sexuality but like I said, as far as i was concerned I could basically just be straight and only think about women in private so I didn't scrutinise it too much.

Anyway fast forward a few years of this. When I was 18 I moved somewhere new, much more accepting place with -SHOCK- other, out, gay people. This was like crazy to me and I came out to a handful of my friends. It was bliss honestly. However to my, and my friends, surprise I did not stop getting with guys after I'd come out to people. It was really weird for me, I just like could not stop seeing guys like a dating prospect. I was not actively dating guys but like sometimes kissing them at parties stuff like that. I remember thinking that I needed to stop getting with them if I wanted people to believe me that I was gay, but then thinking, if i need to try then surely I'm not gay, like what is this? So when I went to uni I came out as bisexual. I really wanted to come out at uni because i was ok with people knowing now, but I was scared of like making announcements to people so going away was like, my opportunity to just let people know when I first met them and it would be a casual thing. And I just decided I was gonna say I was bisexual because saying I was confused felt too personal to share with people I was just meeting but also if I was still getting with guys, any discussion of how I could be a lesbian also felt too personal so i was like ok I'm bisexual now. I dont mean this like I actively lied, I mean more like, I just told myself I must be, because i seemingly could not stop getting with guys.

So yeah for a couple of years I identified as bisexual. I basically changed my mind because of one event. What happened was, there was this guy on my course who like, I had noticed before, but not in an attraction way (not even fake attraction, like I had not even thought about him as hot, or someone i would wanna get with i just knew like who he was). And whilst out with some friends of mine, they were getting all giggly and gossipy about how cute this guy is. I just saw them like laughing about something and then one of them turned to me and said "Dont you think x is really fit?" And in that moment, suddenly, I thought he was really fit. I dont mean I lied and pretended to join I mean in that split second I suddenly started to feel something towards him that I did not before. And for some reason, this time I was acutely conscious of the fact that I did not find him attractive before she said anything. And this event really stayed with me and I was pondering it for ages, and started to realise that basically every guy I'd fancied up to that point I'd actually done the same thing with. Like I would have no inclination to get with a boy until he or someone else put the idea in my head. And I was latching on to that idea every time. And this feeling was not following through, I'm not gonna go into detail about sex I was having but basically yeah it didn't hold up. And just like that, I basically just realised that a lot of my attraction to men was the same as it was when i was 12 years old: all about about the idea of it and not really about them, or my enjoyment at all. I linked this back to my obsession with being this figure of "girl all the guys want", despite the fact that I was now studying science at university, not doing make up and nearly all my friends were guys etc, I'd basically entirely let go of this persona, but the impact of having spent my whole life was that I could not distinguish between someone I liked and someone I liked the idea of and I could see it really clearly all of a sudden.

Initially I thought it was just me. Like I'd concocted this image of myself that had convinced me I was bisexual for years. Up until I started reading about other lesbians experiences with this- I wasnt alone and I wasnt even the oldest person just realising it. That was another big factor was that I felt way to old to still be questioning my sexuality, especially considering I was now out of the closet, I was involved in a lot of lgbt activism and politics and I just felt a bit pathetic. Realising this was actually a really common experience, actually including feeling more of this "attraction" to men after coming out, was honestly not just a huge relief to me but also just made me feel more comfortable identifying as a lesbian, and not feeling like I had to justify every past relationship I'd had with men in order to do so.

Now I actually still have a lot of friends who think I'm bisexual. I do tell people I'm not, but they dont believe me a lot of the time, and I dont blame them. I understand that I got with a lot of boys and they just see that and think "shes definitely bi". They're mostly men, quite a few of them are straight and people just arent aware that this is a thing that lesbians experience. That pretty much concludes my story, and I just wanna say that the reason I'm posting this is not, as I said at the top, about "winning" this "argument" I was having, I just want people to see this stuff. I just shared contrpoints video where she talks about the same stuff, saying how one of my friends actually got in touch with me after seeing that to say he kind of could see what I meant about me being a lesbian. Call it comphet call it whatever you want. The point is, it is a common experience, and it is something people struggle with, even after realising that that's what it is, it doesn't go away when you put a name to it. Recognising it does help though, it's been a while now since I've even contemplated being with any man. Also when you do feel that stuff, it helps to just ask yourself if what you're feeling is attraction, or a buzz from the idea of it. Having an understanding that it's not just about forcing yourself but actually you feel something genuine, but that that something is not attraction really helps to understand it aswell.

#lgbt #lgbt discourse #lesbian #comphet #tallulah #gay #bisexual #coming out

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