#for personal use or academics have at it but like

[harunovella]

*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧ every thought I'm thinking of is you; t.f.

synopsis: you never knew your parents had this much worry when it came to your college life, hiring a bodyguard for you, you just never expected to fall in love this quickly… let alone, let him be your first... content: fem!reader, bodyguard!toji, age gap, older man/younger woman, one sided love, slight obsession, reader is a little bit dramatic but she wants what she wants and what she wants is toji, love confessions, guilt, loss of virginity, pwp, oral (f receiving), unprotected sex, aftercare (he is the king of after care ok), toji is a boob man, ambiguous/open ending, not beta read! note: okay but the concept of bodyguard!toji came to me a as a dream way before I wrote my leon fic where he basically becomes reader's guard... anyway, pls enjoy! I love dramatic endings, oops- title inspo (pls listen!)

Being a professional bodyguard meant being hired to protect those important, those who were wealthy. The array of politicians, actors, musicians—you name it—that hired him made his resume endless. However, this was a first. You were a first. Hired by a pair of rich folks to watch over their daughter who enjoyed her college years a little... too much. 

Being careless was quite the understatement. Sure, you were doing fine academically, excelling in your classes to get one step closer to your degree... but that didn't stop you from having a full college life. Even if you weren't in a dorm. What, with the success of your parents, you lived in a neighborhood near one of the country's most finest universities. There was no need to live on campus, you could stay home. 

Which is why you were always out at the wee hours of the night, not returning home until the sun rose. That was dramatic, but that was how your parents felt. You stayed up late, partied, got home at an ungodly hour and yet managed to be booked and busy the following day. No one knew how you did it, you just said it was you enjoying your youth. You thanked the universe for being blessed with beauty and brains, you weren't sure how you'd survive the life you were living. 

You just never expected your habits to be this concerning that you had to have someone watch over you like the others watched over your home and parents. You were used to bodyguards... but never one who almost always showed up everywhere you went. 

Toji felt like a glorified babysitter, and if it wasn't for how much your parents paid him, he would've never taken the job. He took his role seriously, he was a bodyguard and that's exactly what he did, especially when his salary was high, he had no questions. Just to protect. Even if the job was anything but easy. 

He had been through a lot in his career, the many death threats, nearly taking god knows how many bullets... the scars he's earned. Yet, nothing seemed harder than watching a young woman who wanted to live her life freely and carelessly. Especially a young woman who was nothing but a flirt and a tease. Wanting nothing more than to have his attention rather than ignore his existence. 

You, of course, never expected your personal body guard to be the sexiest man alive. Through and through. From head to toe. The dark, fringed hair. Those piercing green eyes that looked as if god got the exact colors of spring grass and replicated them in his irises. The build of his body, bigger than any man you had ever seen... so burly and strong. Arms so thick, muscles so wide. He was so broad, it made you salivate. You never liked men that were overly large. However, Toji? He was on another level. You wanted him. You needed him. No man ever made your mouth water or your body tingle the way this man did. All he did was watch after you, drag you home, and literally put you in your place. With the most indifferent expressions ever, almost never showing emotion even if there was a hint of annoyance in his tone when he scolded you. 

Yet, you looked up at him with hearts in your eyes, his words entering one ear and exiting the other as you gazed up at him. Your focus would settle on the scar that decorated his lips, you licking your own as you itched to kiss him. He had no clue the power he had on you. You were love drunk, completely smitten, he was the man of your dreams. As pathetic as it sounded, you wanted to even marry him. He could yell at you all he wanted, saying how you worry your parents and that he isn't your babysitter, but you'd still gaze up at him with the most loving eyes. 

Toji didn't know what he was going to do with you. 

It's probably what got him in this situation in the first place. 

He had stepped out to get some fresh air, processing the events that unraveled before him moments prior. Gathering his thoughts, trying to understand his feelings... trying to manage through all that had been going on that lead to this. He wasn't gone for long, just took a walk around the neighborhood to ease himself... he didn't expect to come back to your home with you completely missing. 

He called your name several times, searching every inch of the house once he found your window open in hopes it was all a ploy. You were an actress, quite the attention seeker when it came to him. You lived to make his heart race and play with his head. You enjoyed the cat and mouse chase, but something told him this wasn't that. This wasn't a joke. This was serious. And he hated it. 

"Cmon, answer me..." he grumbled, calling your cell phone, only to hear ringing coming from your bed. Shoving some of your pillows and plushies around, he growled. You left your phone behind. Did you actually leave out the window? It wasn't the first time... but you never left your phone behind. 

Rubbing his forehead, pinching the bridge of his nose and huffing, Toji recalled the events that lead to this very moment. 

Your parents had been out of town for the weekend and you invited some of your friends over, sneakily stealing from their stash of liquor that wasn't so hidden. It was meant for gatherings or when either of them needed to lay back and relax. Your mother's best wine stacked up, your father's favorite whiskeys shelved. You couldn't recall how much you had consumed when Toji found you, kicking your friends out before handling you. 

You were a bit of a klutz while tipsy, a clingy mess who couldn't seem to let go of Toji. Like a leach, latching onto him and giggling. Hiccuping as you slurred your words. You were quite the lightweight—or at least drank a little too much. Toji had dealt with a drunken you before, always handling you to make sure you didn't go home like this. He was your savior, quite the massive angel when he sobered you up enough to avoid your parent's disappointment and wrath. Another reason why you fell so hard for him. 

Personal space wasn't a thing for you, you were all over him, hugging his arm, squeezing his bicep. Batting your lashes up to him, pressing your breasts against his side while dressed in that cute outfit that you'd sleep in. You had hoped to have your friends sleep over, but that didn't work out when Toji dismissed them. They were all used to him and never questioned him. Slightly annoyed, but they'd never cross a man like him. He was big and terrifying (and they knew you were head over heels for him).

It took everything in his power to keep things civil, asking you how much you had, trying to keep you from doing something you'd regret. However, that didn't stop you from pushing. You were persistent. You wanted what you wanted, and when you zeroed in on something, you'd stop at nothing. 

Settling you down and giving you water, making sure you chugged it all as he went through his usual routine to get you sober, you just sat there, happily. Gazing up at him and beaming with the brightest smile, you thanked him for caring for you. Going as far as calling him a true gentleman. He knew what you were doing, it was nothing new. Sighing and running his hand through his hair, he took your hand and pulled you up to your feet, leading you to your bedroom to get some rest. 

"Get some sleep, you need it," he said but you only whined. 

"I'm not tired," you frowned, shaking your head stubbornly and crossing your arms like a child. 

"You need to," he said sternly. 

"Nuh uh! Not unless you join me," you grinned but Toji shook his head. 

"No," he said your name in an almost warning tone. 

"Why not?" You pouted once again. "Why are you so dismissive of my advancements, huh?"

"Because I'm a gentleman," he said, using your own words against you. This making your pout deepen as you huffed. 

"I want you, Toji," you confessed, still frowning but looking away now. 

"You're just a kid, you don't know what you want," he dismissed as you rolled your eyes. You've heard that plenty. 

"I am not a kid, Toji. I know what I want and what I want is you." Without a second thought as Toji watched you stand on your bed, you grabbed the collar of his button down and tugged him in to you. Your lips slammed against his, not lasting any longer than a couple of seconds before Toji pushed you back. 

He was in shock, heart racing and eyes wide with confusion. Not that he never saw it coming, but a part of him almost nearly didn't want you to stop. And that was dangerous. He couldn't even have an inkling of desire for you. You were his assignment. Nothing more, nothing less. You were a child compared to him. A young woman with her whole life ahead of her, barely in her 20s and kissing a man in his mid 30s. "Don't ever do that again," he warned as you blinked a few times, frowning and eyes watering. "Get some sleep, you're not thinking straight," he said before storming out, shutting your door a bit roughly behind him. Leaving you there hurt, confused, angry and heartbroken. 

Snapping out of his thoughts at the not too distant memory that happened less than an hour prior, Toji cursed under his breath. He shouldn't have done any of that, shouldn't have handled the situation the way he had. Truth be told, he enjoyed your presence. He enjoyed your infatuation towards him. He liked that you were clingy and needy of his attention. It filled the void within him that he had struggled with for so long, using other women and gambling to cover it up. Who was he to have a girl like you by his side when he wasn't man enough? He wasn't the man for you. You deserved better. So much better. He wished you put the energy and effort you put into him, on to someone else. Someone more deserving. Someone more age appropriate. Not your bodyguard who was just a tamed assassin. A man who could kill and not feel an inkling of remorse. 

Yet, here he was, blaming himself and chasing after you. He couldn't let anything happen to you. Couldn't let you get hurt. Not only would he lose his job and possibly his head, but he'd never forgive himself if something were to happen and he never saw you again. Wouldn't forgive himself if he never had the opportunity to clear the air. God, what were you doing to him? Never did he care this much about a client! Let alone, a woman!

You couldn't be too far, he came back right when it began to rain. If you were smart enough, you were hiding out somewhere to avoid him. 

At least, he hoped. 

Of course, you, in all your dramatic wisdom, were walking in the rain. Arms clutching to yourself, trembling at the cold and the lack of layers on. In nothing but your pajamas and slippers. You were being over the top, but your mind was so clouded. Not only by the alcohol, but the fact that the man you were madly in love with rejected you. Sees you as nothing more than a child when you weren't. Just because you liked to have fun in your youth. Why did you have to fall for him? 

Crying as your head throbbed, barely able to focus on your surroundings, especially at a late hour like this one. You should've stayed home and just cried yourself to sleep. You were just so angry! You just wanted to leave and never see him again!

Suddenly, the sound of a booming voice shouting your name caught your attention. Looking over to see Toji exit his car and run after you, you quickened your pace. You wanted nothing to do with him, you didn't want to see his stupidly handsome face. You just wanted to be left alone, why couldn't he understand that?! 

Yet, here you were, being chased by him. You knew you wouldn't get far, he was too skilled and you may have ran from him a few times in the past only to be snatched up each time. Of course, even with that lingering in your head, you still hoped maybe this time you could escape him. Even if all those other times you ran with the desire of him catching you. This time? You wanted to be as far away from him as possible. 

Only to trip over uneven pavement. Lovely. 

Grunting and whimpering from the sudden impact, you were ready to force yourself up and keep going, only for him to snatch you up. 

"Are you crazy?!" He shouted in your face, hands gripping your upper arms as he shook you. "Do you know what time it is?! Do you know what could've happened to you?! You could've been kidnapped or killed!"

Feeling your blood boil as you panted, you pressed your small palms against him, shoving him off of you. "Get away from me! Don't touch me!" Continuously trying to push him away, Toji wouldn't budge. Growing frustrated and antsy, you acted before you even thought, your palm meeting his cheek as you slapped him. 

With a low snarl, Toji glared down at you, grinding his teeth. He couldn't understand why you were behaving this way, his denial towards you shouldn't have been such a big of a deal. It was a stupid crush, he was sure. Something shallow. So why did you continue to fight him?

Capturing your wrists and pinning your hands down as he pressed you against the light pole behind you, Toji hissed, "you need to start acting like a damn adult, not this childish bullshit—"

"Make me," you spoke through clenched teeth. You were shaking from both anger and the coldness of the late night showers. You looked deep into his eyes with, what could've been read as, deep hatred. He knew you didn't hate him, but you were furious. 

Feeling his heart race from the adrenaline, skipping a sudden beat from your threat, hating how they suddenly triggered something within, Toji snarled. He felt pathetic knowing he was feeling something he shouldn't towards you, fighting everything in him to suppress whatever it was, being why he reacted so roughly. Like he always did. "Stop behaving like a fucking brat. Grow up. You're a 20 year old college student. Not a 15 year old girl with a crush on her teacher. Act your age and stop thinking the world revolves around you, like you're invincible, when there are those who care and worry about you—"

"Fuck you!" You snapped. "You don't care about me!"

"Who says I don't?! I'm literally right here!" He shouted. 

"You're here because it's your job and so you can get paid!" You snapped back. "You don't care about me, not one bit! You never did! I was always just a paycheck! I hate that I fell in love with you!" Instantly regretting your words, realizing what you just said, you panicked. Looking absolutely mortified, you felt Toji's grip tighten around your wrists. You wanted to melt, puddle up and evaporate. Disappear from this universe. How could you let that slip?! Sure, you had an obvious crush but never love! At least, you wouldn't dare admit that!

Suddenly, you tried slipping from his grip, thrashing around to escape, punching his chest and telling him to let you go. Practically begging him to. Instead, he loosened his grip on one of your wrists and grabbed a fistful of your hair, angling your head as his lips collided with your own. 

It was far more intense than any other kiss you've ever had, the way he was practically eating your face. Tongue nearly down your throat, stealing every breath you had, saliva spreading in a sloppy manner. You didn't even think, your body acting before you could as your hands reached into his hair. Gripping and tugging at the dark locks roughly. Biting his lip hard enough until he bled, Toji hissed and landed a harsh smack against your ass, earning a yelp from you. 

"Is this what you wanted?" He asked in what was possibly the lowest voice he could muster. As if it was filled with anger, annoyance, worry and... lust. 

You couldn't even look at him, ashamed in yourself as you shook your head, speaking in the saddest voice, "I just want you to love me back..."

For once, Toji felt off guard, his eyes widening as his grip on you instantly loosened. His chest heaved as his heart thudded against his ribcage. It wasn't even pathetic the way you spoke, far from it. If anything, he felt bad that you wanted someone like from him. And he hated that a piece of him—a big one at that—wanted to give that to you. You did a number on him and you didn't even know it yet. Even in the rain his body felt like it was on fire, as if his skin would melt off. His mind was a mess, thinking about your confession and desires. How attached he's grown to you without truly realizing it. The interactions you've shared and the small advancements made. He hated that... a part of him knew he's fallen for you, too. Quite possibly since the first interaction when he told himself you were nothing more than a spoiled brat and to suppress those feelings... when, in reality, you were nothing but kind. A little wild and youthful, but you never did anything to make him hate you. Never did anything to make his job boring. You were a lot to handle but, he liked it. He enjoyed the thrill of the chase. He enjoyed you. But, god, did it feel so wrong for you to want a man like him with such a troubled past. With almost nothing to offer. 

"Fuck..." he cursed under his breath as you suddenly looked at him with pure confusion. Blinking in bewilderment. "I'm taking you to my place." Without a second thought, he lifted you up and took you to his car, driving you to his place and knowing very well this could end terribly for the both of you. 

But, he couldn't stop now, not with his hand on your thigh as he drove and not when he pulled you into his place when you two arrived. And definitely not when he stood before you, towering your figure as you looked up at him with those doe eyes that made him want to fucking melt. 

"Do you really want me?" He asked. "If you're not sure you can take it I rather you just shower and take my bed before I do something I'd regret."

"Toji, I want you so badly, it hurts," you nearly whispered in desperation, not wanting to lose any chances of having him. He had no idea how fast he made your heart race (or made your inner thighs ache) in deep need for him. 

Stalking towards you and cornering you as your back collided with a wall, Toji asked you once again, "are you sure?"

Nodding, you looked up at him with a shaky body, desperate to feel his touch. "Yes, please..."

Toji's hand instantly wrapped around your neck, thumb and pointer finger pressing against your jaw as he pulled you in. He lips smashed against yours, shoving his tongue past them with no hesitation. It felt like he was trying to consume you, exploring every inch your mouth had to offer, moans slipping past your part lips every time he'd sloppily kiss the corners of your mouth. The shared salvia smeared as you felt yourself becoming lightheaded. Your knees were just about to give out, your heart pounding in your chest and humming in your ears. Toji's grip tightened as his free hand slipped under your now soaked camisole. Groping and squeezing at your left breast, thumb brush against your hardened nipple before he pinched it. You moaned slightly into his mouth, panting against him as his tongue intertwined with your own. 

Easily lifting you up with one arm, he brought you to his bed, dropping you on it and wasting no time with undressing. He unbuttoned the dress shirt he wore, nearly tearing it off and doing the same with the shirt underneath. His shoes long gone as he tossed your slippers to a side. You sat up on your elbows, trying to catch your breath as you watched the god of a man strip before you. Sure, the suits he wore while on duty hugged his body painfully so, you knew this man was ripped. It was obvious with his towering size and broad shoulders... but to see him shirtless before you? Every line and curve, the shapes of his muscles bulging, the deep v cut and trail of hair that lead to what you needed most. You swore you were going to pass out. This was the man of your dreams, your soulmate, you knew it to be true. And now... you had him, nearly bare before you as he slipped off his pants and wore nothing but his black boxers. 

Toji gripped your ankles and tugged you close as you looked up at him, wide eyed and lips parted. Your chest heaved as he crawled over you, hand pressing against the back of your head, pulling you into a slightly gentler kiss. He still chased after your lips, still desired to taste you, but he wasn't trying to swallow you whole this time. Not that you would mind.  You'd give him everything if you could. 

His large hands gripped your waist as he adjusted himself, straddling you and leaning on his heels before reaching for the hem of your top. Eyeing you and the haze that fogged your eyes, he took in a sharp breath. "Are you sure about this?" Hearing you hum, he shook his head. "No, I need to hear you say it."

"Yes, Toji... Please..." you begged, voice nearly cracking in desperation and need of him. 

Taking in a deep breath, eyeing you once more, he lifted your top a bit to reveal your body, stopping midway before he could expose your breasts. "I won't stop until you tell me to."

"I won't," you shook your head stubbornly. "I need you."

Letting out a small huff as his head dropped, grip tightening around your top, itching to just rip it off and tear you apart, Toji bit down. You weren't like the other women, never would be, he wasn't going to just fuck you without a care. He had some decency. At least, when it came to you. He'd never admit to himself why. 

Lifting your top off and dropping it to a side, Toji took your body in, your curves and every little mark that were unique to you—whether it was a scar or freckle—it was as if he was mapping your skin. You were squirming, whether it'd be desperation, anxiety, or insecurity, Toji dove in. He gave your breasts the attention they deserved, taking one in his mouth and the other occupied in his bear paw of a hand. He licked at the skin as his fingers teased your other nipple, biting and breathing against the wet skin, making you tremble beneath him. 

He switched positions, moaning into your mounds in a sound you've never heard before. If you had to guess, by the way he gave your chest so much focus, how he sucked at them as if they were his life force, and the way he was basically humping you... you'd say Toji was a boob guy. Through and through, no matter the size, he just loved the feeling of the supple flesh in his hands, in his mouth... his aching dick between them, even. If you knew any better, and if Toji lost all self control, he definitely would've fucked them. 

But not now, not this time. It was his first time with you, he needed to learn your body. Explore every inch of it. What turns you on, what makes your eyes roll back, what has you seeing stars. 

Toji gripped at your shorts, tugging them down and tossing it onto your matching top. Kissing down your belly, nibbling along the way and leaving marks in his wake, Toji found himself nestled between your thighs. God, if there was something he loved more than boobs were a woman's thighs. Thick or not, he loved them, loved having them wrapped around his neck, suffocating him. If he had a way to go, it would be by them. 

Kissing your inner thighs, making it to the apex of them, the scent of your arousal was driving him insane. It felt as if he couldn't control himself, grip tightening around your waist as his finger tips dug into your flesh. Not seeming to care of you had a barrier blocking him, Toji buried his face further into you, nose nudging your clothed clit as you shuddered. The shock that was sent throughout your body made your heart race faster as you watched him. It was like he was in a trance, even with your panties still on. 

Burying his nose further into you as you trembled, Toji couldn't help but lick against the cloth, tongue nudging your bundle of nerves as your legs shook. "You better not muffle your sounds, I wanna hear it all," he warned as he looked at you, you instantly nodding. Grinning, he yanked your panties off before he pulled your thighs over his shoulders. Your pussy, in all its glory, bare before him. He couldn't help but grin at the sight, the scent driving him mad as he found himself rutting against the mattress. Truly, a woman's body was his ultimate weakness. 

Purposefully tossing your panties in a different direction to keep for himself (for future—personal—use, of course), Toji dove in. He didn't even bother to give a single warning. Open mouthed, practically making out with your pussy, your head fell back as you began to squirm. Your moans grew louder the further Toji teased you. With every lick and every suck of your clit, to the prodding of your hole with his tongue, you felt as if you forgot to breathe. 

Your thighs were clenching against his head, Toji's grip tightening to prevent you from suffocating him (even if he wanted to welcome it). The sounds were disgusting in a way that turned you. It was almost painful, how good it felt. The way he worked you open with just his tongue, slurping every bit of your essence that leaked. It didn't take Toji long to figure out how to make you come. It wasn't going to be the only time, anyway. 

You felt completely spent, lying almost limp before him. You should've known this man was an expert, but a part of you... that was rather innocent, had believed it was going to happen once when he was in you. Of course, you should've know once wasn't enough. No. Not when he introduced his thick fingers, spreading you open, pumping deeply into you as he watched you squirm. He was nearly getting off to it, the way you panted and moaned his name, smaller hands gripping at his sheets as your toes curled. He grinned to himself, licking his scar as he pushed your legs further apart, pumping his fingers faster into you, proud of himself for making you come a second time.

"Look at me," he demanded as your eyes fluttered open. Hooded and exhausted. You watched as he slipped his two fingers out of you, soaked in your release. He watched them in awe as you squirmed in embarrassment. Toji only made it worse when he brought them into his mouth, sucking with an obnoxious groan. It was then you noticed the painful bulge tenting in his underwear, an obvious wet spot that had formed. Did he get off... to you getting off?

"Fuck... 'm not gonna get used to that. Best I've ever had. So fucking good," he breathed as you took in deep breaths. "I think you're ready f'r me."

Gulping as he stood up to strip his underwear, an audible gasp left your lips as you eyed his cock. The tip red and leaking. Oh, you definitely weren't going to handle that. It was monster sized, there was no way no amount of prep would prepare you for the girth of his size. 

"Don't worry, I'll make it fit," he smirked, the twitch of his scarred lip making you let out an uncontrollable moan. He was hot and he knew it... and somehow that made it all the better. 

Kneeling before you and gripping your thighs, parting them and aligning himself with you, he reached in between and coated his length with your juices, pumping a few times before pushing into you. A gasp got caught in your throat as you nearly choked. Just barely in and you were squirming. "It's— Too big!"

"Too big? You were so desperate earlier," he nearly whispered, voice low and sending a chill down your spine. He pulled back and pushed further in, the stretch stinging and bringing tears to your eyes as you bit your bottom lip. "You can take it."

"Too much— 's too much," you breathed, hand gripping his forearms as if it would stop him. 

Instead, Toji laughed, pulling back and pushing in. Thrusting in and out at a steady peace to let you adjust to his size—until he began to reach deeper. Feeling as if you couldn't breathe, Toji leaned into you. Fucking you slowly and deeply, he left open mouth kisses along your neck and shoulders, biting the skin and leaving his mark behind. He couldn't help but lick at you, the sweat that was beading on your skin. You were intoxicating, he couldn't seem to have enough. All the little sounds, how you moaned his name. The way you begged. How your legs wrapped around him, keeping him in deep even if you cried that he was too much. 

He lifted his head enough to kiss you, tongue meeting tongue as he moaned into your mouth. God, it was all so much, yet... not enough. You wanted more, your body craved him. Your nails clawed at his back as your heels dug into him. He bit and sucked your bottom lip, lifting himself to look at your fucked out face. Swollen lips, teary cheeks, sprawled out hair soaked from the rain. You were an angel straight from heaven sent to him. He couldn't get enough. He needed more. More more more. 

Licking your tears away, deepening his thrusts as he grunted in your ear, your eyes rolled back, seeing galaxies the way his cock reached so deeply into you. You were sure he was going to mold himself against you. "Toji— I— I'm—" you were at a loss for words, mind going blank as you felt that chord within you snap. You came so hard, body trembling and overstimulated that you cried out while pulling at his hair. Toji rode it out, caressing your head and praising you as he continued to thrust in and out of you. 

"You did so good, so good. My good girl. You did so good," he praised as you trembled beneath him. Feeling his own orgasm building up, Toji eyed you and nearly came at the sight of your fucked out face. He fucked you dumb, he was sure there was no thoughts in that little head of yours. "In or out?"

"In— In..." you breathed, eyes barely able to stay open as your hands fell limp against his back, lost in his locks as you tried catching your breath. 

"Look at me," he said as you gulped, eyes fluttering open. He kept his focus locked on you, thrusting a few more times before stilling, coming deeply within your womb without looking away. It was almost the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. You weren't sure how he did it, so enthralled by those emerald eyes, you were afraid that you'd do whatever he said with how hypnotized you were. 

Staying in you for a moments worth as his forehead pressed against your own, breathing each other in, Toji pulled out, earning a whine from you. Nearly flopping on his back, catching his breath as his heart raced, he rolled to his side and snuck a hand in between your legs, feeling the way his come was leaking from you before he gathered it and plugged his finger into you. You let out a small cry, turning your face to hide into his chest. 

"Can't let any of it go to waste, can we?" He asked as you shook your head. Toji moved to leave kisses down your thigh as he pulled his hand away, lifting your legs enough to eye the way his seed pooled beneath you. All the guilt was out the window with how clouded his mind was. Having you this way, you giving yourself to him even if it was all so very wrong. 

He hated to admit, he doesn't remember the last time he had sex like this that wasn't a way just to fulfill himself and only himself. Instead, he was getting off to you. Getting off to the way he made you feel. Especially that blissed out expression on your face... If only he could fuck you again and again and again until—

Toji stopped himself there before the thoughts got worse. You were spent, exhausted and probably unable to move a single limb. He had to clean the both of you up. "C'mon, can't stay like this, as much as I'd love to." Patting your thigh as you groaned, he leaned in and left a few more kisses against your lips, you lazily reciprocating them. 

Toji lifted you in his arms and brought you to his shower. Your body was shaking and legs were surely weak. He made sure the water was warm enough for the two of you, helping clean one another in sluggish movements (more from you and your exhaustion). Toji dried you up after, wrapping a towel around his waist as he helped ruffle your hair with the towel and dress you in one of his shirts. He sat you on his couch with a cup of water as he changed his bedsheets. Bringing you back to the bed, cuddling up against one another as you tried to morph into him, desperate for his warmth, you nuzzled his bare chest. His scent was intoxicating, your eyes falling heavy as you felt your body being carried away into your world of dreams. 

"I'm so thankful you're my first," you mumbled sleepily. Toji's once droopy eyes shot open. 

"I was... your first?" He asked with all sorts of hesitation. You were a virgin... and he took your virginity? 

"Mhm... I was saving myself for someone special enough. Guess that was you," you said before falling asleep, deep enough to not have an inkling that your words would be the reason why Toji hardly slept that night. 

Toji took you home the following day bright and early before your parents returned from their business trip. You freshened up and felt a sense of ease and happiness that you've never felt before. Ready to return back to Toji to say your goodbyes as he spoke to your parents, you found yourself hiding behind a wall as your heart skipped a beat and smile dropped at his words. 

"I apologize for the late notice but I'll need to take a leave of absence. I already have a few people lined up that can take over my position," Toji said. "I'll give you their contacts."

"What happened? Is everything alright?" Your father asked. 

"It's personal reasons I rather not disclose, but I assure you these people can watch over your daughter at a level almost nearing mine."

"I hope all is well, thank you for all you've done for us. Will we be seeing you again?" Your mother asked. 

It was what felt like hours before Toji spoke up again, leaving you with a heavy heart that dropped to your feet at his last words, "I am unsure," he admitted. "I wish nothing but the best for you."

Those last words weren't directed towards your parents, it was almost as if Toji knew you were listening. Was he really abandoning you after last night? Did your confession mean nothing to him? Did he... use you? Your bottom lip began to quiver as your eyes pooled up at his last words:

"Take care."

#haruno writes; #jjk toji #toji fushiguro #toji zenin #toji x reader #toji x you #toji smut #toji x y/n #fushiguro toji x you #fushiguro toji x reader #toji fushiguro x you #toji fushiguro x y/n #jjk smut #jjk x reader #toji fushiguro x reader

[lizzaneia-elizalde]

Yandere(?) Jing Yuan

MY HUSBAND ✨

A little warning though. I quit playing HSR after 2.something. I don't remember. But it's because my devices can't handle it anymore :( at least I got Jing Yuan before I deleted the game. So I am probably going to put some wrong information here. Especially the timeline. Forgive me! Also,I lied. I'm not making this fic NSFW. Have some not so good angst LMAO Of course, there's spoilers so... Spoiler alert! Notes: Highly OOC Jing Yuan. He's a lonely man fr fr. Also, an extra long fic as an apology for disappearing like that lol. Also, not even sure if this counts as yandere. But just to be safe, i'm putting it here. So, dead dove, do not eat.

Being a long time trailblazer from the Astral Express made you develop quite the wanderlust in you.

You were originally from Xianzhou. A spoiled kid of a rich family that decided to embrace the free life when the Astral Express first visited your planet.

You developed a strong friendship with Himeko and Welt, alongside treating Dan Heng and March as your little siblings/children.

When Stelle arrived in the Astral Express, it seems that your little family is complete. Sure, Stelle may be a little gremlin with a Stellaron inside, but hey. Family is family.

When the talks of going to Xianzhou appeared, you volunteered to guide Stelle and March around alongside Welt. You did miss your family, and wanted to prove that you weren't the same immature person before.

Well, you know what happened next.

The wharf being abandoned, littered with mara struck soldiers...

It seems that Xianzhou became worse for wear.

Fearing for the worst, you urged the three to follow you and defeated the Mara stricken soldiers in such precision.

Seriously. You follow Nihility since you want to be more laid back in your life. But why does life keep forcing lemons down your throat? Now, it's even your family being dragged in your bad luck!

You got dragged by the three around until you all got to the square, and immediately bade goodbye for the time being. Promising to help them as soon as they need to. For now, you need to get back to your family.

Once you got to the manor, you burst through the door and was immediately smacked to shit by your parents.

"YOU PRODIGAL CHILD! NOW YOU COME BACK HOME?! HOW DARE YOU SHOW YOUR FACE..."

A nagfest, you took in their worry filled words with a sharp edge before calming them down. You asked if any in your family have been mara stricken, but all of them shook their head thankfully enough.

Then, you noticed a man by the tea room. It seems that your parents forgot etiquette and abandoned their guest.

"AH! Forgive us, General! It's just this child... Oooh this child!"

You took a peak and was stunned.

Jing Yuan. The guy whose family is from the Realm-Keeping Commissions? And he's the general now? That's...

"You remember Yuan-yuan, right? Y/N'er?"

Oh you remember alright. How can you not? You loved this man a lot.

You squirmed under Jing Yuan's golden gaze that's filled with an unreadable emotion that you're sure had to do with your past.

And the past is what he desperately holds onto up to this day...

"General! The astral express--"

Jing Yuan's usual relaxed demeanor stiffened, his eyes going rigid. If one looks close, the chess piece he's holding onto cracked, making it glitch.

His face softener a bit as to not scare Yanqing more who stepped back a bit.

"Is that so? Thank you for the information, Yanqing. You can go rest now."

The kid nodded before walking away and leaving Jing Yuan alone.

His world, once so bleak and dry, suddenly had a drop of rain that he once missed and took advantage of, thinking it won't go away.

"Y/N..." He whispered to himself, putting down the piece and washing his face with his palm.

Other than Jing Liu and the others, you were one of the few people he's close to. Ever since you both were in the academy, you've always didn't like his quite stubborn nature. He didn't like his academic strand, wanting to be a cloud knight.

He noticed you pulling a face whenever he cuts classes, sleeps, loafs around... Sure, you were spoiled to bits, but at least you have the decency to be good in school.

So, he made it a point to annoy you greatly. Always popping around the block wherever you were, following you while talking your ear off... Doesn't help that he's a classmate, it's a daily annoyance that you gradually welcomed over time.

It's a friendship born from being together all the time. You watch him train with Jing Liu, taught him stuff he didn't understand, and in return, he would teach you how to fend for yourself since you always told him you wanted to travel the galaxy.

And that friendship developed into something more intimate. Exchanging shy giggles, flirty whispers, firsts of everything... Even without a label other than lovers, you both knew that you two are destined and tied together. Soulmates, if you will.

He's happy that you were by his side. With the quintet and you, how much more happiness does he need in his life?

But sometimes, so much happiness meant that there will be a terrible thing happening the next day.

Fortunately for you, you left Xianzhou before the Baiheng incident in the process of saving the Xianzhou Yuque. It was a timely flight that Jing Yuan supported so that you will be safe from the chaos that will unfold.

Unfortunately for Jing Yuan though, he paid the price of seeing his friends fall one by one.

Baifeng, sacrificing herself when fighting Shuhu, Dan Feng creating a draconic abomination in the process of trying to ressurect Baifeng and solving the Vidyadhara reproduction problem, Yingxing being backfired and becoming immortal stricken with mara, and JIng Liu, also struck with mara.

He watches as his beloved quintet crumble to dust in such a short time, even defeating his own beloved master in order to save so many lives and bring justice to those lost.

Jing Yuan had no one. No one to turn to, no one to confide in.

In times like those, what he yearned is you. For you to return, for you to look at him with so much grief, concern, and care.

All he wanted is your hug, your reassurance that it wasn't his fault, and it wasn't his burden to carry.

But you didn't return. Not even a peep, not even a soul.

700 long years of waiting, of bottling up his emotions that it almost spilt over.

Sure, he's happier now, but is he truly happy?

Deep inside, he kind of resented you for being so blissfully unaware of what happened to him. Of what happened to the quintet. You never even contacted him in those 700 years. Did you just forget your relationship just like that? Did you move on from him? He thought both of you were together forever?

Then slowly, he got jealous. Of you, at first. Just travelling across the galaxies without a worry in the world. How selfish of you to just run off to the farflungs of the universe just to never contact him again. Shame on you. He's a worried lover! How can he not? Then, he got jealous of the people that you must have met. How much were they charming you that you forgot about him, your soulmate?

He started visiting your family in year 300 too. Consoling them and telling that you were gonna go back home. When? Soon. Like really soon.

He found solace in your family that started treating him as their own son. Taking care of him when he visits, entertaining him with a game of chess, maybe even talk about their life.

He also heard more stories about you. About your spoiled attitude outside of school, of your rebellious years, of your wants and needs to see the outside. It's as if he's living vicariously through your parents, and relieving your memories in order to not forget you.

Then, he starts yearning for your presence once more after just trying to forget you.

It's a never ending addictive cycle that he's lost in the deep trenches in.

You were the only constant in this godforsaken world, the wine he yearns to drown himself in in order to forget his problems. But his problem is the wine, his problem is you. But the alcoholic he is, he continue to guzzle down the addictive taste until reality blurs with fantasy. In which a picture perfect world existed were nothing went wrong, and you were still there back in his arms.

Over the years, he somehow got over it. Turned to tea, thought about stuff. But your family reminded him so much of you and told so much stories of you that he became so attached to the idea of you.

He started a little hobby of writing letters to your non-existent being. Thinking you'll read them in the future. He refuses to believe that you're dead and rotting in a ditch somewhere. He knows that you're alive. He knows it.

He wrote down what he wishes to tell you, on what he wanted to do with you once you come back like a little drink, maybe even roam around and show you what Xianzhou looks like after 700 years.

Then, it devolved into his frustrations, anger, jealousy, and grief about what happened in those measly years. On why he wanted to have you so bad with him, to have the only remaining friend with him by his side. He wants to cling to you, to finally have a full on restful sleep, but also yell at you for leaving him behind.

He thought of the people that made you forget him. Of the people that took you away from him. Yes, they may, no, they ARE the reason why you weren't returning home. They must be.

He knows he's wrong. And he's working on it. A few letters down the road had him apologizing, telling he's in the wrong, and started writing about what to do once you come back.

Until those letters carried a weight that he's thinking of.

What will happen if you decided to stay in Xianzhou this time?

What will happen if something or someone made you stay?

What if, Jing Yuan forced you stay?

An absurd idea, but those letters quickly became a drawn out plan on what he'll do to make you stay by him, by his side. Eternally until the end of both of your lifespans.

And those letters were now safely kept in his hand. They will not see the light of the day.

The time he knew that the Astral Express came to their wharf, with Yanqing telling him, he immediately ran to Fu Xuan to know who are the passengers of the train that stepped out to help.

And there you are. You chose the path of Nihility. Fitting for a person like you who wished for everything, yet nothing. A spoiled kid who only wanted meaningless vices and thrills to fill the void inside. You grew up so much just as him.

What is this feeling inside? Relief? Resentment? Guilt? Love?

Woah, love? Really? Does he really still feel love for you? Or is that just a byproduct of the putrid mix of emotions inside of him?

He always knew his feelings for you never disappeared. It was supposed to be just a harmless puppy love that is forgotten over time. Like come on, it's been seven centuries.

But seeing you there, with your mother still nagging you, and your eyes locked onto him with an excited, naive look on your face made those forgotten emotions resurface.

And unfortunately, became an unfortunate ingredient in the rancid pot of emotions he bottled up over the years.

The General, known for being laid back and relaxed, can feel that image slowly crack and crumble every step you take towards him with a smile on your face.

It's so painful. How can you have that sweet smile on your face while he had to endure so much guilt and pain that he doesn't deserve to undergo?

What's worse is that your smile was lifting so much off of his shoulders to the point that he wants to drag those problems back to his shoulders and stubbornly hold onto them just to prove you a point.

He can't believe you had so much power over him. It's driving him insane how your mere presence shook the centuries worth of healing that he did for himself.

The conflicting thoughts started to whirl in his head.

He wants you to stay, but he wants you to disappear now that you're actually here.

In those mere seconds, he composed himself and gave you a soft smile. A smile that usually had a lazy quality in them now looks rigid.

"Y/N, my love. How are you? It's been seven centuries!" Calm and composed. That's what he wishes his voice sounds like.

You, sweet, oblivious you, hugged him with such a smile on your face. After all, Jing Yuan was your lover. And you hoped that he didn't hate you that much from not communicating.

"Yuan! I'm so glad I met you here again! Wow... You're a general now! How cool is that?!"

Your excited voice grated his ears to the point that he wants to cover it vehemently, but he also wants to get a hold of it and hear it over and over again. Reassuring himself that you're actually here in the flesh with him and not just a figment of his fractured reality.

With a smile, you grabbed his hand and got out of your parents' manor, wanting to apologize to Yuan by catching up.

Are you really that insensitive? Such naive thinking that by only talking things out, the problem will be resolved. Well, in your defense, you didn't know what happened with JIng Yuan and the quintet. All you knew is that they grew apart from the looks of it.

You didn't undergo the same traumatic experience that Jing Yuan did, the agonizing isolation, the years of waiting for that somebody to come home, and your mental health devolving into something more sinister, something that crosses with your logic multiple times.

But here you are, flashing your carefree smile at the dying Jing Yuan who squeezed out a chuckle.

He wishes that you burn in hell. He wishes that HE burns in hell. He wishes to burn with you, spending the last agonizing minutes with you finally in his arms again.

He grasps your hand, wrestling out an apology in his mind to you.

But he can't let you go until you knew of the agony you left him with.

And that's going to take a lifetime with you by his side, shackled and ruined.

It has been a whirlwind of emotions.

You saw Dan Heng, turn into your old friend Dan Feng. Well, his visage anyways. Were you that blind to not see the similarities? Or were you blocking the image out of your mind in order to protect your own peace?

And Yingxing, no, Blade. When did he turn into this immortal, suicidal maniac who wishes for nothing but death for himself and revenge?

And it's Dan Feng's fault? Dan Feng would never!

Your image of Dan Heng/Feng started to mix, making you dizzy and confused.

Baiheng. She died? Did she really? So did Dan Feng's ritual work or not? Did she reincarnate? Is she somewhere out there?

What happened in those years?!

And Jing Liu... Jing Yuan's master. Mara stricken and committed a massacre. That Jing Liu?

Jing Yuan even defeated her himself... Oh gods, did he just carry that burden all by himself? All those years... Centuries of pain and suffering that he didn't deserve.

The carnage, the aftermath, the result of grieving.

It's almost too much to bear for you.

And you were just out in the world, travelling and being all wishy washy, enjoying yourself with your newfound friends?

For gods sake, you were Jing Yuan's lover! Did you just forget about him just like that? Then those promises. Were those fake and surface level?!

How about your old friends? Did you even consider them? In those seven centuries, did you not even think of them?

Of course you did! But you swore that you thought that they're going to do fine!

Guilt riddled your weary body. Exhaustion catching up to you as you wept in your room.

So much to process, so much to grieve. It was almost too much if it weren't for Jing Yuan there to comfort you. Telling you that it was okay, that it wasn't your fault.

But what if's kept popping up your mind. What if you returned earlier? What if you were there for Jing Yuan? What if you didn't actually leave?

And Jing Yuan was so nice throughout the whole thing. You only talked to Dan Heng for a little while, but you need more time.

You felt so selfish for being like this. Why are you so affected when you weren't even there?

That's it. You weren't there. You weren't there for your friends, for Jing Yuan who only has you.

Seven centuries of loneliness... How did he even endure it?

You wanted to share the burden so bad, to be with him and atone for those time lost. You want to be there for him.

You are a terrible lover. A terrible friend, and a terrible person. Those phrases continued to mingle in your mind and wore you down to your barebones.

Now, even a sneeze from Jing Yuan warrants you to panic.

And Jing Yuan had a sick sense of satisfaction from seeing you wallow in sorrow.

Again, he knows it's wrong. He knows that he shouldn't be delighted in seeing you suffer.

But that side of him loves the attention he thinks he deserves. The care that he's deprived of, the love that he's blatantly robbed of.

So, he eggs that anxiety in yours on more by talking about the past and the pain he went through, his eyes narrowing in an indescribable stare as your person gets hammered down more and more.

It was eating him alive. But he assures himself that this is just temporary. Once he felt satisfied, he will start fixing you up again good as new.

And, as your parents urged you to finally marry Jing Yuan, and you nodding in desperation to make it up to him more from the centuries of neglect as his lover, Jing Yuan apologizes in his mind once more, and holds you close.

Hello love, you certainly gave everyone a scare. They're all just thrilled to see you safe and sound. As for this latest little game of yours, thank the stars it's over. Did you have fun? Did you get everything out of your system? Good, good. Everyone is so relieved. Welcome home, Y/n. -Jing Yuan

(Original, unedited quote from White Diamond in Steven Universe)

#lizzaneiaelizalde #yandere writing #yandere male #tw yandere #yandere imagines #yandere boyfriend #male yandere x reader #yandere x darling #yandere x you #yandere fic #honkai #honkai star rail #yandere honkai star rail #jing #yandere jing yuan #jing yuan #hsr #yandere hsr #yandere hsr x reader #hsr x reader #jing yuan x reader #jing yuan x you #jing yuan x y/n

[temis-de-leon]

Shy gn!reader confesses to the Dateables

Characters: Diavolo, Barbatos, Solomon and Simeon (x reader, separately)

Masterlist

Anon request: Could I request headcanons for Diavolo, Barbatos, Solomon, and Simeon react to shy gn crush confessing to him nervously?

.

A/N: I made this so the Dateables were already crushing on the reader for a while, but it's the reader who confesses. Once again, Simeon gave me no inspiration and yet his section was the one I enjoyed the most

.

Diavolo

He’s used to loneliness and sacrifices, dedicating his limited free time to a small inner circle that he’s unable to expand. The rest of his devotions goes to his dreams and his duties, and that includes, above many other things, the student exchange program.

The only human he personally knows is Solomon and everybody is aware of the sorcerer’s peculiar personality, so he’s quick to accept that you’re going to be different from everything he’s ever known.

He just didn’t know how much.

You build a friendship with him, treating him without inhibitions while still respecting him. You accept and join his childish whims, ask for his advice in more serious matters and speak your mind without fear.

You make him feel normal, helping his love for you grow slow but steady over a strong foundation.

But then your behaviour around him changes and he feels completely lost. There’s a sort of restraint he’s never seen in you, your recent silence and your avoidance to look at him in the eye making him wonder in hurt if you finally know enough about him to be afraid.

Diavolo feels his heart sink when you ask to speak to him in private and he’s willing to accept he has lost you.

How wrong he is.

Your confession leaves him speechless, but the more you talk with a stammer while twisting your fingers, the more he feels his cheeks blush.

He doesn’t confess back. He directly asks you out on a date.

Barbatos

His duty to the Young Master doesn’t feel like a sacrifice to him. It’s an honour he’s glad to act in, so, although he likes to keep some free time for his private life, Barbatos is more than happy to set Lord Diavolo above everything else.

He doesn’t pay you much attention at first, given that there’s little to no connexion between you two. In fact, the first few times you hang out together outside official matters it’s always organized by someone else, mainly Luke.

The young angel enjoys baking and even his prejudices decrease upon the demon’s talents in the kitchen.

He also enjoys spending time with MC.

So he combines both of those things. That’s how Barbatos gets to know you better.

He revels in the discovery of your resilience and your kindness despite what surrounds you. Your smile while measuring ingredients with Luke, your attentiveness at his teaching.

He knows Lord Diavolo appreciates him and thanks his presence, but you’re the first one to treat him so… highly? You admire him, you hear him, you seek him.

His busy mind and busy schedule give him almost no time to ruminate his feelings, but he can’t run away for much longer.

It’s around the same time he finally accepts his need to be with you that you start to fidget around him. He sees you looking at him under your lashes, timidly smiling and looking at him when you think he isn’t paying attention.

Your feelings are obvious to him, but he lets himself enjoy the situation for as long as possible. It’s too adorable to let go.

When you finally gather the courage you need to confess and it’s his turn to be sincere, his words are worth more than a hundred romance books.

Solomon

At the beginning, his interest in you is entirely academic. A regular human living amongst the most powerful demons of the Devildom? Now, that is something worth his while!

Witnessing first-hand how your humanity is put to the test on the daily is fun at first, but then again… You still have humanity. Once lost, it wouldn’t come back.

He ultimately decides to side with you. It makes him feel a little better too.

Although you both have a cordial relationship, barely a friendship, he isn’t your priority. To be fair, you aren’t his either, so he can’t complain.

But then time passes and his infatuation starts to grow.

You remind him of better things. Those he lost long time ago and those he knows he’s incapable of reaching. You make him want to be better, to try and to be someone that you could be prouder of.

He uses his vast knowledge to compete for your attention. His stories and his studies, his vulnerability slowly showing to you. It’s difficult, but you’re worth it.

He knows it’s working when you go out of your way to spend time with him, a difficult task when half of your roommates, if not all of them, don’t trust him at all. That makes him elated, but insecure at the same time.

He doesn’t know how to move things forward without spoiling them, so he waits until you make the first move. When the moment comes, he forces himself to memorize every second of it.

Solomon doesn’t want to forget your timid expression or the way you can’t decide what to say to put your feelings on display. He doesn’t want to forget the wide smile you show when he reciprocates your affections.

Simeon

He cares for you since the beginning, even before forming a friendship. It’s in his nature to be kind and caring and he can’t help but to act on it with you.

Your personality immediately draws him closer. How positive you are despite your situation as well as your determination to keep going forward, proving the demons wrong.

Simeon feels a strange satisfaction whenever Lucifer’s brow twitches at your misdeeds.

It’s thanks to Luke, who wants to keep two of his favourite people close, that he gets the chance to know you better.

He enjoys every occasion you visit Purgatory Hall. Sometimes you’re invited by Luke to help him cook, study or even make puzzles; and other times is Simeon himself who asks you to spend time with them.

The evenings you manage to have dinner with them are the most fulfilling for him.

He’s never felt a love so strong before, but he’s a world renounced writer and a romantic at heart, so the only thing he’s capable of doing in this situation is to pour his affections and hope for you to accept his heart.

The conclusion reaches an end when he manages to reset his DDD yet again.

Luke, although irritated at him, manages to call you before going to the castle to hung out with Barbatos, but Simeon doesn’t mind. More than that, he prefers it.

The sole idea of being alone with you brings warmth to his heart, after all.

He knows you feel the same too. Seeing the light in your eyes, the curve of your smile and the tenderness in your shy-filled whispers is enough for him to know.

You don’t even have time to confess on your own.

Simeon asks with a sweet voice if his interpretations of your feelings are correct. If they are, bless his heart, he feels the very same.

.

.

#obey me #obey me! shall we date? #om! shall we date #om! swd #obey me diavolo #obey me diavolo x reader #obey me barbatos #obey me barbatos x reader #obey me solomon #obey me solomon x reader #obey me simeon #obey me simeon x reader #obey me x reader #obey me x gn!reader #obey me fluff #obey me headcanons #obey me requests

[thestrawberrygirly]

Hii! Can you maybe give a guide to how to heal and reset myself again after a flu? I was sick for 4 days and now I'm not really feeling myself even though I'm kinda better and I don't know how to motivate myself 🫶🏻

i understand you so much, i hope this guide helps you <3

🪷 guide to get back on track 🪷

firstly , i would say to not rush things, take your time and do things slowly. if you rush things like doing multiple things at a time like you used to before, you might get overwhelmed or burn out. i'm actually saying this cause I have been through it, I hope you be productive as well as take care of yourself <3

☘️ simple routine ☘️

create a simple routine for yourself which includes fewer and easier tasks for you, like reading 10 pages of any self help/motivational book, you can also give 1 hour time daily in your academics, doing some house chores and not using any electronic device for sometime. you can sit under a tree as tree can help your energy to cleanse and make you feel more lively. add "walking" in early mornings in your routine, i bet you will love it!!!!

🌱 picking tasks 🌱

now, this is kind of interesting! you can add a fun twist to your daily routine by creating three chits with tasks or hobbies written on them and placing them in a box or jar. each day, pick one chit at random and whatever task or hobby it suggests, go ahead and do it! write down the tasks you feel like doing each day and make chits for them. this activity might also motivate you to be productive daily! plus, add one new task chit daily to keep progressing baby!!!!!

🌿 pinterest board 🌿

pinterest always helps me get back on track, and it could do the same for you!! here's the plan: create a board on your pinterest account focused on being 'productive.' write something motivational in the description of the pinterest board so that every time you visit it, you feel energized and inspired. add pins about pretty hobbies, study motivation, self-help book recommendations, and anything else that catches your eye – you know pinterest is an endless source of aesthetically pleasing content. by envisioning your board daily in the morning, you'll feel motivated to be productive and work on yourself even more!"

🍀 regular breaks 🍀

it's very important to take regular breaks and allow yourself time to rest. taking things slowly is perfectly fine; in fact, it's often necessary for maintaining well-being and productivity. so, don't hesitate to pause, recharge, and then tackle your tasks with renewed energy and focus.

please be kind to yourself during this process of getting back on track. appreciate every little achievement you do in your entire day. don't get sad if you can't meet your goals, remember even if you did 1 task in a day, it's actually still so much better than doing nothing at all right? take care of yourself and don't forget to compliment yourself how much an amazing person you are!!!! <3

I hope this blog helped you :) <3

#guide to get back on track #get back on track #jnquette #self love #self healing #self care #wonyoungism #girlblogging #girly tumblr #pink pilates princess #anon ask #self worth #reset

[lmk-oc-competition]

LMK OC COMPETITION - ROUND 1

Jiao Yue (Ying Jiao Yue) belongs to @yingjiaoyue

Hui Ying belongs to @mysticarts

Learn more about them below the cut!!

Jiao Yue (Ying Jiao Yue):

Ying Jiao Yue, a half-human and half-senri. She’s an average citizen in Megapolis though she’s hiding her true identity as a Senri. Once in a month, she devours 2-3 human souls for her energy. She’s currently 26 years old. Her Senri abilities includes: Enhanced speed (similar to Nezha), Flexibility, Strength (similar to Spider Queen), Dark Energy Manipulation (similar to Lady Bone Demon), Fast regeneration/self-healing, ability to consume souls. She’s not a villain, though she’s not a hero. She helps MK but then again, she hunts people for her personal reasons. Despite Jiao Yue being like a killing machine, she’s actually socially anxious to crowded places, she might as well have stage fright (like Sun Wukong). She doesn’t live with her parents, she lives alone. Her hobbies are hanging out in a library or cafe shop, reading books, drinking coffee and sketching. Her relationship with the canon characters: To MK and his friends, she’s an acquaintance. To Macaque, she’s like a foe though he’s interested in her.

Hui Ying:

Hui Ying is a rather ambitious girl, having set goals and trying to achieve them whenever she can. Hui Ying is also very curious, usually getting herself into chaotic situations. However, Hui Ying has high intelligence, and usually uses strategies to use her lightning powers. that her godfather, Macaque, taught her and her brother when she was a kid. Even though Hui has high academic intelligence, she lacks in social situations.

#ying jiao yue #hui ying #round 1 #oc polls #lmk #monkie kid #lego monkie kid #lmk oc #lego monkie kid oc #lmk oc competition

[trivalentlinks]

Let F be a Floer homology theory. For the purposes of this talk, you can assume it's any Floer homology theory you like, and if you don't like any Floer homology theory, then pretend you do like one and assume it's that one

-- a conference speaker

#floer homology #math #maths #mathblr #you really should have at least one Floer homology theory you like!! #i have for a while wanted to do a longpost about floer homology #a very cool concept that shouldn't yield anything but miraculously does #and also about the guy who came up with it (andreas floer) #who was a very interesting guy #he died in 1991 at age 34 which is usually when an academic is only starting to build their influence #and thus didn't have any phd students #and most people in the math community don't seem to have known him personally #(his wikipedia page has a section of quotes about him but they're all about his math #which is pretty much universally agreed to be one of the most striking developments of modern mathematics) #but one time they did a memorial conference a couple years ago in his honour at (uc) berkeley #where they talked about the extremely fruitful field of research he pioneered #they put up posters around campus advertising the conference that happened to have a picture of him #and apparently a bunch of old guys showed up who knew nothing about math #it turned out they were his housemates in the gay commune he used to live in #who were going for a walk around campus and saw a poster with his photo and were like #'wait isn't that our buddy who died twenty-some years ago??' #apparently they knew nothing about math so it was totally incomprehensible to them but they attended the whole conference anyway

[oatbugs]

pls i need to provide updates

#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year #and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire #and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f #friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl #acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what #are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and #friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me! #LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after #everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to #invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me #i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother #and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids #so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo #any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷‍♀️ #but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd #and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk #THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date #w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a #few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay #scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK #like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl #like is that even doable #but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much #.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us #god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x #but it would be soooo funny #I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed #popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x #i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like #its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe

[trans-cuchulainn]

here's the thing okay. when you start looking at a body of material, you look for patterns, right? and say you get three texts that do a thing and one that doesn't do that thing, well, then, that thing is the pattern and the one that doesn't is the exception. "medieval irish texts about X do Y, except for this one outlier". "A means B, except for an occasional C." except then you look at five more texts and it turns out those five don't do the thing. more outliers? maybe. after all, you found one more that did the thing, reinforcing the pattern, and there's a reason the other texts don't: they're late, they're from a specific area, they're influenced by another tradition, they're in an unreliable manuscript, they're not as good. and you think Ah Well There's A Reason, So That's Okay. you narrow the rule. "twelfth century texts do X." "ulster cycle heroes do Y."

but then over time you get more and more outliers, far outnumbering the ones that do conform to the pattern, and they can't be neatly put in a box, and you're constantly creating exceptions and caveats. and you have to ask yourself: is this pattern actually useful anymore? or did we make some wildly incorrect assumptions at the very beginning of the process, based on what we thought were representative samples but what were actually the outliers?

but by that point it's been a century and everyone is really attached to that pattern! they believe that pattern! they might have refined it since the beginning, and they'll look down on the pop-history books taking the clumsy Victorian iteration of the pattern as if it's definitive, but they still, fundamentally, believe that the pattern exists. but it doesn't. and then somebody comes along and goes "hey your pattern is wrong. the actual pattern is X. Y is just a weirdo but you read about that first so you thought it was normal"

and that's HARD because nobody wants to admit that the Greats of 100 years ago were that far off the mark but sometimes you gotta

#anyway cú chulainn's weird. a phopa has specific age connotations. heroes don't work like that. charioteers can be combatants #etc etc #this isn't about anything specific or any one person's research #just reflecting on a theme #i think larger academic fields are more used to upending their paradigms #because they have more people so it happens more quickly and more often

[girl-bateman]

How does one get assigned as sam coded / dean coded ? Do I need a doctors note ? A psych evaluation perhaps ?

#i keep going back and forth on it #bc i used to identify with dean for the longest time bc i was so repressed and emotionally closed off (+older sister) #and at that point id spent my youth very purposefully protecting my younger sibling from our dad #and i guess in my brain i paralleled that with dean staying behind with john while sam took off for stanford #and dean protecting sam from knowing too much abt the supernatural #BUT having grown up ive now become the one resentful and angry at our father while my sister protects him #and our fights remind me a lot of scenes from the show where im obviously identifying a lot stronger with sam #plus the whole thing abt being the families designated academic or whatever #while also feeling cursed from the minute i was born and crushing at the guilt of everything wrong with me #and trying to be a good person and saving others to make for the fact that i feel an intrinsic evilness about myself #so like... yeah sam is very very relatable too in that sense #bc he also has that hope in him- the belief in god. in angels. in goodness. and i have that too ! #im just also a miserable cynic at the same time :) #so ???? #i havent been in the fandom for long enough to know the full requirements of being a sam or dean girl #(and by that i mean i havent been in the fandom for long AFTER i rejoined from my 10 year hiatus) #i literally would love to read someones page long explanation of what sam coded vs dean coded entails #someone with a spn hyperfixation or special interest needs to provide me with the goods fr 😭 #spn

[hella1975]

i have most of my friends on different life360 circles (if u don’t know it’s an app that effectively… tracks your friends? LMAO) but my favourite one is easily the one i have with my two ‘course friends’ and one thing we always do is whenever the ‘____ has 10% battery’ notification comes up we all fucking SPAM the option to tell them to charge their phone. like it’s the STUPIDEST joke but i find it so fucking funny i literally will not notice my battery dying until these two idiots start blowing up my phone with the same damn automated message it makes me smile every time especially bc the one girl finds it SO FUCKING ANNOYING she loses her rag every time it kills me

#also I put ‘course friends’ in quotes like that bc that’s technically only 50% true #i have some weirdly connected circles at uni so this is the best way i can describe them #bc they’re not my flatmates but only one is actually on my course the other literally does law lol #they’re the ones I see most AT uni and they’re who i do all of my academics with #like i come home to my other friends FROM these guys yk??? #ANYWAY #i love these girls sm the one on my course is probs my fave person in this whole city #we’re literally the exact same person to the point it’s SCARY how niche it gets sometimes #like the only difference between us is that she doesn’t like frodo that is literally how detailed it’s gotten LMAO #(yes i know she’s irredeemable for that I’m trying to cure her give me time) #might show some of our messages bc they make me smile #this is not interesting for anyone but me #but idc I love my friends #hella goes to uni

[fitzrove]

[gritting teeth] maybe i need to go to mayerling

#i've been avoiding it on purpose but tbh 😭😭😵‍💫😵‍💫 i feel like its a thing ppl brag about and idk. to get a complete picture #i think i figured out how to go there and not get stranded 💀 and i was already planning to go to vienna again this year 🤡 for his house #(hofburg apartment) #i guess i can still act special by not going to möbelmuseum 😂💀 (i want to see the turkish room especially since i did write about rudolf #getting [redacted] on a specific sofa he owned historically 😌😌😌 but i don't want to see the mayerling bed thats weird 😭😭 #idk............) #i feel so weird sometimes..... like there are historical topics where some ppl act like they know best even based on minimal knowledge #and like idk its kind of weird to have an academic degree in this and be COMPLETELY incapable of being normal and chill about it 😵‍💫😵‍💫 #i could never study rudolf stuff seriously - i would [redacted] myself 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #but um yeah #idk its weird. its so weird #like what do you do when you're deeply invested in something but there are people out there who are just as deeply into it but in your view #fundamentally misunderstand it 😭😭😂😂😂😂 #ugjgkhkhkgkgkhkhkhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh #you know i dont think a huge amount of ppl are looking at his actual letters in the archives. if i'm jobless i could fund my life with #rudolf themed drag performances and spend the rest of my time selectively reading his writings and digging up minuscule stray things as #'evidence' that he was irl bisexual. would be funny 💀💀💀 then i'd write an article and use lots of Postmodernist Deconstructionism words #to confuse people and get it into a real academic journal 🤣🤣🤣🤣 #lots of talentless hacks have written rudolf books why not me KFKLFOLRÖAÖGODÖGKGK #delete later. god sometimes i wish i was a normal person whose hobbies were like. instagram and gym

[isfjmel-phleg]

Here's the tentative outline of the TSG paper, as okayed by the professor whom I've been discussing the project with:

intro to the trend of recent adaptations/retellings reframing TSG as a story about grief

an assertion that the book is really about healing from childhood e m o t i o n a l n e g l e c t (CEN) (my thesis?)

defining CEN and distinguishing it from traditional grief

an analysis of CEN in the text

how this interacts with what these adaptations/retellings are doing

conclusion about the importance of the text’s depiction of CEN and why it’s worth acknowledging/exploring

It's a relief to pin this down and be able to go into this with some kind of focus. I've already got a start on the first paragraph. I'm trying a method of drafting by just constructing the basic argument and then working in all the evidence and research later. My college papers tended to take forever to write because I drafted them with Finished Perfection in mind for each sentence, which is stressful and easy to get bogged down with. We'll see how it works. The paper needs to be completed by October, probably the end of the month at the very latest, but I'd like to get it finished in enough time to fully polish and not have to stress about a tight deadline.

I can do this. Probably. It's been a few years but I might still have it in me.

#random personal stuff #of course I write mini-essays here all the time! #but those aren't presented as scholarly with proper citations and you guys presumably forgive me if I'm not clever enough #Dr. B. (the one who tried to rope me into that roundtable presentation) is already talking about #trying to get some of my old papers published in a journal #or working on a book #she is so full of enthusiasm and confidence and grandiose ideas that it's both impressive and kind of terrifying #don't know if I really want to do any of these things #I mean even assuming a journal would want my work (which isn't really on that level I think) what would be the point #I used to want to be an academic but lost that after the thesis and everything before that #the last time I was working with a professor who wanted me to do Grand Things...it didn't end well #and of course Dr. B. is nothing like That Man and would not have his motivations #but all the same I don't want to commit to anything on this level for the foreseeable future #I'm just writing a paper so I can present it at a convention because that's about the only thing I can do that makes anyone proud #got to justify my existence somehow

[16-jarrah]

i get why people would opt to say walter was a terrible person since the beginning, but i think that's like, the most boring takeaway you can get about his character. he was already insecure and prideful from the start, and it's what would hurt him and keep hurting him. but like, being insecure and prideful are regular traits any regular person can have. the actions that he makes because of these traits, which in turn keep fueling his ego more and more, are what makes him an interesting character. and he was already pretty capable of hurting other people, but he wasn't doing it out of malice, but more because of careless selfishness at first. what makes walter terrifying is that the more he does it, the more he becomes aware of what he's doing, and the more he keeps going and keeps being more and more meticulous and deliberate about what he does that hurts people and even to the point when it was specifically to hurt people.

i think the traits were there in walter from the beginning—the pilot did a pretty good job of establishing how powerless he's felt all his life and just how susceptible he is to letting this newfound perceived power get to his head so easily. he even says this explicitly in 5x06 "Buyout" when he tells jesse "i'm not in the money business, i'm in the empire business". but saying he was this monster from the start kind of implies he didn't undergo through a character arc throughout the show when it's quite literally what he did. he got worse. so much worse. through mostly the fault of his own fragility.

#idk if i put it into words right but i'm just musing #was walter a good person when brba started? up in the air. but his family genuinely adored him. despite feeling like a loser teacher #some of his coworkers actually really liked and respected him. he was just as much of a regular person as anyone else was tbh #you know it's interesting that he and gale basically have the same motivations. why jump to meth of all things. why go from 0 to 100 when #it sounds COMPLETELY ridiculous. but they were both very passionate about chemistry who felt like their potentials were wasted and felt #like they were finally putting their skills to good use again. getting to flex their muscles and shit. whenever they cook better purer meth #than most other people. i think it's a really genius idea to have this premise for the show lol #cz as much as walter is motivated by him feeling like he desperately has to take control of his own life he also is a scientist at heart #who desperately needs to apply his knowledge and skills somewhere where it would feel gratifying #seriously dude you could've tried to get a paper published or two or something. djhdidhd #but the academe has its own Politics and whatnot. so one could only speculate why walt didn't get to pursue that any more #(aside from the whole grey matter industries thing) #anyway uhhh i hope i get the post across lol not to sound cheesy cliche but brba is a corruption slash character deterioration arc #quite literally the whole point is that he Didn't Start Off Like This And He Gets Worse #again. he already had some of his bad tendencies and traits but it's like. we all do that's not necessarily inherently make or break #it's what he DOES and KEEPS DOING. CONSCIOUSLY that turns him into the horrifying man he is by the end of it all #so i just think if your biggest takeaway is Walter Was Always A Monster then you're just missing the whole damn point #op #brbaposting

[non-un-topo]

It's strangely gender-affirming when my mom gets defensive and accuses me of mansplaining

#she didn't say that exact word this time but she has before lol #i'm just Speaking. she does not like it when i use ''academic'' words. #this is also actually interesting though! it's something i've started to pay close attention to. #i talk a lot in class anyway but as my peers are starting to see me more as male their perceptions of me are going to change. #so me talking a lot goes from 'wow she's so smart she should get her phd!' -- #-- to possibly feeling condescended. #but i'm being generous here lol. i don't think ANY of my peers at school see me as male. #'her pronouns are they-slash-them' yeah fuck you actually. and they're not. #but on seeing me as male: #apparently my friends do and they have straight up never questioned it or thought of me any other way #which boggles my mind. i am not a tall or big person. i have a deep-ish voice for a female but it's not enough. #it's not enough. #last thoughts: you can't argue with my mother when she does her whole 'i just wish everyone was equal so we wouldn't need all these --- #--- categories and labels' thing. maybe i am mansplaining when i tell her why identity politics are necessary right now. #maybe she should develop a more critical consciousness instead of accidentally associating w the 'i don't see colour' crowd.

[coulsonlives]

I just had to share this video because holy shit, it hits the nail right on the head! So well spoken. This stuff needs to be circulated more, esp with the growing number of people thinking they have this because of misinformation, or just outright faking it.

#it's painful because i knew someone who personally faked this stuff (or has convinced herself she has it i can't even tell) #she had spent all her time on tiktok and i know for 100% sure that's where she got the idea. it's TRAGIC how fast things went downhill #i'm legit horrified at how many people (esp young kids of 13-14) think they have this too. or are just pretending #i've been neck deep in hardcore research (and i'm talking pubmed sciencedirect etc only) for months #and those kids definitely don't have did.. if they have trauma and are dissociating it's going to be something else like dpdr etc #the number of stupid 'you have did' answers i see for totally basic questions like 'i got dizzy what's wrong w me' is insane too #it's like googling 'muscle twitch' and then thinking you have some rare 1/billion familial cancer thing despite other obvious explanations #but worse.. in these cases the information is being fed to them. they don't have an opportunity to explore other possibilities #and the worst part is they don't even know to CHECK THE VALIDITY OF WHAT THESE PEOPLE ARE SAYING. they don't have info literacy #like i'll say this once: did is so rare that it's STILL contentious about whether it even exists #and it only happens in the most unimaginably traumatic experiences. think of the worst possible things you could do to a child #where even just thinking about it makes you uncomfortable. THAT'S the kind of trauma that leads to did. the truly evil stuff. #i'm not even gonna start on the BITE model shenanigans that are happening in the 'did' communities either #or how the people who used to be in them (and got out) always equate them to self-harming cults that celebrated not finding real answers #they got told they were 'perfect the way they were' despite having OBVIOUS psychological issues they needed help for #(it just wasn't did) #they were assured their 'did was valid no matter what'. toxic positivity ig? it just delayed their real diagnosis and ability to get help #but now you have gluts of people like in the video 'talking to themselves' and people on tumblr posting one-liners of 'alters' talking #one after the other within seconds. and i want to fcking cry because it's the same exact shit my friend did before she cut ties #the did/tourettes/ftlb stuff has literally been called a 'mass sociogenic illness' in multiple academic studies #but like qanon believers they seem to immediately discredit anyone who mentions this with 'you're just ableist' so anything you say is poo #aka you're part of the problem you're an 'ableist' so your legit info even though legit isn't valid/acceptable/real/whatever. i'm tired fam #did #dissociative identity disorder #osdd #ddnos #munchausen syndrome #mass psychogenic illness #ableism

[bibliocidal]

Dracula by Bram Stoker was first published in 1897; it was written by a staunchly protestant middle class man at the tail end of the Victorian era. It is exactly 127 years old. Dracula, as a novel, is a not-so-thinly implied standing for declining influence and power of the “nobility” in the wake of the rise of the middle class, and industrialization. In a lot of ways, Dracula is the manifestation of the Victorian fear of progression. He’s a shambling, snarling relic of the past. It is why (spoilers) in the end he is slain. Because not even the fiercest of demons can stop the march of time. Jonathan, despite his suffering, became his undoing; because he represented the coming of modernity.

Now, Stoker, of course, could never have predicted “Dracula Daily”, or the diverse audience that both it and Hollywood has given his novel. A hundred and over a quarter years out it is still being read. He could never have predicted that his work would be sexualized (scandalous!), that his demon would become an icon, nor that it would be a piece of classical media that is still (and will still) be studied for years to come. In fact

I say all of this, because;

It’s okay to enjoy it. It’s okay to think it’s distasteful in parts. It’s okay to tear it into pieces and find that little morsel inside to sink your teeth into. That is how we got Castlevania, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Hellsing, and so many other interpretations salvaged from the tropes it established. Being able to parse your media, and be critical of it, is a keystone of literary discourse. Picking the novel apart has been what has kept it alive in pop culture for over a century. It’s fine to be disgusted with Stoker’s representations of disability and race. They are antiquated. He is an antiquated. It is why so much of it has been stripped from popular interpretations of the novel. Like flesh from bone; we consume Dracula like his ilk consumed people. He has no power now, but you do, and enjoy this little bit you’ve got.

Enjoy your friend Jonathan, tumblr, and his tales of Dracula ( especially when he goes about in his lizard fashion).

#dracula daily #dracula #dracula spoilers #dracula discourse #dracula novel #signed: a queer black womanish person who studies shit like this and wants yall to have fun #ps this goes for all pieces of media as art is subjective and meanings change throughout the course of history #like how hamlet used to be perceived as a tragic genius but now he's an emo little blorbo #and like even academically he's an emo little blorbo it's GREAT #hysteria.txt