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tiktaalic · 3 years

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since you're the ceo of gay dean, do you have any fic recs? i have trouble finding anything good besides yours, ao3 user saltyfeathers and wtf gay little jack :(

ceo of gay dean??? oh boy the gay dean economy must be in shambles if that’s me. and i don’t have any specific recs, sorry! idk if you’ve already checked the gay dean tag on ao3? i sorted by kudos and excluded That pairing but oof these pickings look slim... i personally dont read aus (and havent read any of the fics that i’m about to link so i can’t vouch) but here r some canonverse works in the gay dean tag. cut for length

dean winchester really needs to make some gay friends - “Like, I’m trying to think if I’ve had, I don’t know, crushes. If I ever had a gay thing before you came along and just didn’t notice,” Dean said.Cas suddenly looked down, and away from Dean. If Dean didn’t know better, he would swear Cas looked guilty.“What is it, Cas?”“You have had several… gay things before.” Cas still wouldn’t look at him.“What? When? How come you know this better than I do?

something on your mind? - Sam and Dean are cursed to have personifications of their minds following them around. That's shouldn't be too bad of a problem. Just another day for the Winchesters. Except for the part where their minds speak every single thought Sam and Dean have.

the other sides of the story - Sam and Dean go check out portals popping up in their world to make sure no more monsters cross over. They meet alternate versions of people they know and there seems to be one common thread-Dean and Cas are together.

doing life with me - He remembers the rules. The same rules set by the most beautiful drag queen in all of Alabama, spoken to him while he hid his tear-stained face, cowering on the grimy floor of a rest station bathroom: don’t talk; don’t ask for money, because most of the time, they won’t pay him anyway; don’t cry; don’t let them kiss him; and most importantly, don’t get attached. For the first time in two decades, Dean breaks the cardinal rule—and opens his mouth. “I’m too old for this.”

how many more times - After a hunt that forces Castiel to admit his feelings for Dean, more than one truth comes out. Desperate to right the wrong he allowed to happen 26 years ago, he travels back in time and stops Azazel from murdering Mary Winchester. John never becomes a hunter, and Dean grows up a normal kid while Castiel deals with the aftermath of his decision in Heaven. When the war dies down, he comes back to Earth to fulfill a promise - a promise he made to come back for Dean one day. They fall in love all over again, but just when Castiel is finally happy, they're thrown back in time once more. How many times will Cass and Dean need to find each other before they figure out who’s screwing with them, and more importantly, how to stop them?

psalm 40:2 - “How the fuck do you know my name?” Dean hisses. The man doesn’t look scared. He is watching Dean like there is nothing else worth watching, lips a little parted, eyes a little soft. And blue. Real blue, like the ocean on a postcard. The ice spreading down Dean’s spine makes him shiver. “I suppose you could say I’m your guardian angel,” the man murmurs. His breath fogs pale between them. All of him is unnaturally warm, like Dean’s touching somebody with the sun sewn up beneath their skin. “I have known you, Dean Winchester, for a very long time.” * Dean meets an angel who says he's from the future. It all gets a lot more complicated from there.

just trying to shake off the shame - “What, you don’t think this warrants any kind of discussion?" Or: Sam is nosy, Dean is uncooperative.

tell me i’m an angel kick me like a stray - Pain is the first emotion Castiel, angel of the lord, feels. If only it had ended at pain. Castiel documents every new emotion that nestles its way into his stolen heart. As time passes, he realises how truly fucked he is, how human he has become.

best of both worlds - Dean is very jealous, Cas is finally getting the love he deserves, AU Dean is a badass little bitch, Sam is done with y'all's shit.

through mine, you were looking in yours - A missing scene from "The End". In which Dean realises things, another Dean struggles, and Cas is being just a bit of an asshole

when angels fall - On a hunting accident gone wrong, Dean accidentally shoots a creature instead of a fleeing monster. The creature in question turns out to be Castiel, an angel assigned to the Winchester's, tasked with watching over them. The bullet, engraved and imbued with magical properties, clips Castiel’s wings and leaves him grievously injured and unable to return to heaven. As such, Dean takes him in and cares for him.

the savior, our wedding, & a pizza surprise - As Castiel Winchester slept with his head resting in Dean’s lap in the Man of Letters bunker, Dean looked lovingly at two framed photographs proudly displayed on a nearby table and wistfully remembered how Dean had begged Jack to rescue Cas from the Empty, how elated he had been to have Cas back, how their relationship quickly escalated as if they were trying to make up for years of lost time, and what a spectacularly fun adventure their wedding and honeymoon had been. A kiss from Cas brought Dean back into the present, and is followed by a pizza surprise in a way which Sam hopes to never see photographic evidence of, although it sparked Eileen’s interest in receiving helpful tips from the infamous pizza man.

what is the truth - Dean and Sam, after knowing about Huntercop and their other self from an another universe, were willing to help them to find a place in which they can stay. But suddenly, Castiel cames and met them too, and this other Dean can't stop to flirt with him. Our Dean is not so happy about it

again, i haven’t actually read any of these, just skimmed the summaries as i copy and pasted em. my taste is pretty specific and out of step w other ppl’s, but the ones i put in my marked for later list were something on your mind, the other sides of the story, doing life with me, psalm 40:2, just trying to shake off the shame, through mine, you were looking in yours, and when angels fall.

#weirdly common trope in the tag (not in the ones i linked) for dean to be out as gay #only for cas to take a woman for a vessel and dean realize he's actually bi #spnwatch #anonymous #ask #fic tag

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youranxiousnerd · 3 years

Text

The Transformation Thoughts

bc hsmtmts said gay rights

spoilers below

yesss seb doing the recap

wait did seb just say he was crying?!?! give him a hug

cow baby!!!

wow miss jenn and seb having a civil conversation

Natalie is back!!

ej and ricky with the mask

kourtney’s outfit!!!

ashlyn’s outfit...

ahh so the awards and the show are separate, good, that’s how it works

RICKY’S SHIRT!?!?!?!

i love it

ricky is lgbt do not try to convince me otherwise

ASHLYN IS SINGING IT IS BEAUTIFUL

like pop off

ricky and the mask

that mask is the true villain in season 2

“Belle, I-” flops

Ashlyn is carrying the scene, she is such a good Belle

how is ricky allowed on stage oh my god

the cap

that damn mask

“It’s okay, it was just my face”

Miss Jenn is hanging on by a thread

finally some ashlyn and ricky content

“Which they will” buddy have you faced the music? Have you seen Ricky?

“I think I might have been playing Troy at one point”

Miss Jenn needs help from someone who isn’t a teenager

“Mother is freaking out” High school theater at it’s finest

“There is math involved”

“OH”

sassy seb

i can’t with east high’s tech crew, what are you doing?!?!

and why are the actors figuring out the tech stuff?!? i’m sure kourt, big red, ashlyn (she knows all), and seb (he lives on a farm) know what to do.

the crew cannot be that bad

btw here are my thoughts on this scene

guys it is ashlyn’s house not yours

portwell shoulder bump

ASHLYN I LOVE YOU

OH SO NOW YOU HAVE DRILLS

WHERE WERE THEY WHEN THE TECHIES STARTED USING GLUE ON PLYWOOD!?!?!?!

I WANT ANSWERS

i. cannot. with. this. show.

lily wtf

“is this too weird” yes

like why?

lily like actually shut up

big red’s “wtf”

let her be evil damnit

“i’m just not well liked here” i wonder why

that was really weird, anyways

“he gets weird around tools”

me too

no give big red the drill he knows how to use it

someone write a fic about the girls and seb’s chaotic target run

why don’t you have a blackout and dramatic music and lights for the transformation, i know it isn’t award level but if done right it can be pretty dope

“I don’t know if my parents will be okay with me being at a co-ed sleepover”

“Chip, this is your mother speaking, go call your mother”

HE DID THE FINGER GUNS

GAY TABLE SIT AND FINGER GUNS THEY DID THEIR RESEARCH

ashlyn’s bucket

CARLOS GAY TABLE SIT

OH MY GOD

they’re so gay soulmates

let big red have his skateboards

“i need to talk to seb at some point but it can wait” honey no it can’t wait seb is on the verge of a breakdown

wait they havent talked in a week

Im a hypocrite ive been dancing around someone for three years

“You’re still at school”

“I’m worried about my children” “She means us”

such a high school theater thing (like i got married during high school theater, we had a family tree)

“ah, Sebby”

“Now I’m pretty sad” give him a hug

the girls ship seblos

“But, I guess he has to be, out of default, right... there’s not a lot of choices for a boy like Carlos, here, at East.”

alright here come the tears

why...why couldn’t he say “gay” or “queer” or “lgbt”?!?!

“Not so good at saying the feelings part out loud”

shiz that hit close to home.

Seb is just making me cry today, isn’t he?

wait so we’re just going to change the subject? coming from a queer person, opening up about your problems about your sexuality is hard. like, there are things that happened years ago im just telling people.

“You’re my sister, he’s my cousin”

it seems everyone except nina knows about the chocolates. imagine gossip time when gina told people write a fic

Nini just stop talking. It wasn’t a big deal, simple mistake. Not everything has to be big and dramatic

and wasn’t she just asking about Gina and Ej?

Nini for the love of god it is not something to read into.

“The farmer type”

Ash and Red exchanging gossip

wait... why are they texting about this?

“Why wouldn’t he say something to me?” It’s a hard conversation to have. “hey are we together just because i’m your only option?”

“Okay, pretty boy” HE CALLED HIM PRETTY BOY

RICKY!!!!!!!!!!

!!!

carlos and gina chaotic siblings

give ej a hug

“Sweet boy”

im so glad the guys are talking about their feelings.

Why a sleepover? It’s more of a hangout.

“Verging on failure”

jennzara therapy

slowwww burn

you go from hand holding to fist bump

disney please release an acoustic version of “let you go”

so it’s just carlos and ricky chillin’ at big red’s house?

do not play let you go for nini

do. not.

“You guys are a hallmark movie”

for once ricky is being smart

“the look on your face when you were talking about Seb tonight” smiles

he is so whipped

“I think you and Seb have something worth fighting for...bro”

that was so sweet and then there is bro

i love this show

“Sorry, I’m adjusting to being called bro”

him and seb being awkward about feelings... that is a high school relationship

i love ricky in this scene

“Yeah, let’s just write”

ASHLYN CALLED BIG RED BABE AWWWWW

nina shut the actual hell up

“It’s in the costume shop, somewhere” mood

“Thank you, 15″ THEY SAID THE THING

GAHHHH

I LOVE IT

howie and kourtney oh my god what is happening

“and begging”

“hi” he’s so nervous oh my lord.

he is so awkward around seb

it’s like a switch

“Do you want to get risotto with me sometime” OH MY GOD THATS ADORABLE

GINA BABY HE LIKES YOU

GINA HONEY!!!

AWWW THAT WAS ADORABLE

PORTWELL YESSSS

gina’s little run

“Am I in trouble?”

they’re so nervous

oh my god its time

“You keep it all bottled up” GUYS I CANT ARGGGG

can ricky just like, go behind a curtain?

“lookin’ for our kind of love” carlos basically just said “i love you”

seb is so whipped like look at him?

they’re so in love

seb’s little eye role at “in a heartbeat, i choose you”

the hands omfg

oh my god they’re going to dance

SHIZ THE HOMECOMING SUITS

I WAS RIGHT

OH MY GOD

SHIT GUYS IM DYING

gah the hands i cant

carlos is leading i love it

the tie

a tie just killed me

im combusting

You’re honor, they’re in love

i really thought carlos was going in for a kiss he is probably getting one later

i like how the dance isn’t big, it’s small and a little awkward bc right then it’s just them.

THEYRE SO IN LOVE HOLY SHIT

damnit big red

big red is legally required to interrupt almost kiss moments especially if it’s an lgbt kiss bc we cant have two in one season

in a heartbeat is so cute. Frankie showed UP this season with the vocals. there is no way that was all acting bc they looked so in love.

I...I love it

the lyrics are perfect

In a Heartbeat and Let You Go are probably the best OG songs of the season

“Siri, add In a Heartbeat to my gay sob playlist”

these boys are just serenading each other left and right

“Yeah”

so it’s just “yeah”!?!? That’s it!?!?! Seb could have least kissed him on the cheek or did they use all their kisses?

I love the song and love the scene, but there is so much more to discuss. Are we going to brush over the fact that Seb literally had an allergic reaction and didn’t get help because he didn’t want to disappoint Carlos!?!? Are we going to brush over “no, seb” and seb feeling like he has to get carlos big things!?! One “yeah” doesn’t erase all that. I’m hoping we get closure, proper closure, not a joke.

In conclusion, only one thing was settled (Carlos loves Seb for Seb, not because he is the only out guy in school).

“Seb and Carlos suffer their first fight” effing liars

BTW it looks like they filmed the dance scene with the homecoming suits and normal outfits so disney release the footage

Ricky is the biggest Seblos shipper

“Bro”

you morons. are you using rigging without an adult there?!?!

im pretty sure that isn’t allowed. only trained people were allowed to use the rigging. it should be Natalie since she did it in HSM

you should have gotten mats are something or stand in a circle

gahhh

RICKY

OH MY FRICKING GOD

NO ONE RAN THEY JUST WATCHED WTF

WTF WAS THAT ENDING

UMMMMM NO

i legit have no words oh my god

they just killed the lead

you guys saw the rope you should have ran

you should have gotten mats or blankets or something just in case

rigging is difficult, set rigging and people rigging

EAST HIGH WTF

Looks like the sleepover is going to be in the ER

My gay heart is full but my theater heart is screaming. The episode went by really fast. I liked it, like a lot.

To answer the question, no, I am not okay @organic-guacamole and we will have a theater kid sleepover

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mrs-kelly · 3 years

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Hey guys!! I just wanted to pop in and say I'm not dead ajdkfl I've just been taking a break from tumblr (a 10 day break at this point I guess) and I'll probably be continuing my break. I dunno how long, and at this moment I feel like it could be quite a while.

Very long reasons why below, nothing traumatic happened or anything. I've just been thinking.

I realized that my self shipping was becoming hindered because of my presence on tumblr. Self ship is something I've been doing my entire life, and up until last february I was under the impression that I could be the only one in the entire world who cared so intensely about fictional characters. That comes off really self-centered and weirdly haughty, I know. But I had never met other people who lived the way I did before. And meeting everyone here has given me so many blessings, but it's also changed the way I self ship, sometimes for the worse.

I think that being on the internet, it's very good to be considerate of others. And in the past I've done my best for that. I've blocked countless tags and tried blocking out feelings of jealousy over characters for the past year and a half I've been active in the community. But I'm realizing that that is not me, and it's causing me to water down my relationships with my f/o's. Being constantly aware that someone, somewhere, probably also loves this character, and thinks they're their partner, always stays on my mind when I'm spending time with my f/o's, and it makes me feel really alone in it. It makes me question everything. And I havent had the same zeal for it I once had.

Like, I have a set of values for myself. There's a person I believe I am. A person I want to be. That person is friendly, self sacrificing, never self serving. They put others above themselves when they can, and especially if it is not a great inconvenience to them. And I realize now that self ship was me allowing myself to be selfish, in one small spot of my life. For most of my life, it's been my way of giving myself one little thing I want, with no consequences.

And it makes me feel awful to even say this, because it counters my values. But I just don't have the energy to look around all the time and make sure I'm not sharing a character with someone. I don't have the space within me to push down joy because I dont know if I'll like this character long enough to bother with trading tags. I love my friends so much and I only want to be a positive influence on them. So I've tried really hard to just. Push down the joy. Come to terms with sharing.

And I thought I was ok. But these past 10 days I've been spending time with my fire emblem crush, not putting pressure on it, just enjoying his company. Making him promises I probably cant keep. And smiling and laughing with him, making a playlist about him, playing his game and building his support. And not thinking about whether all of that would hurt someone else. And it was nice.

I don't know if I'm making sense here. Saying any of this is basically me opening up my chest and showing you my beating heart. I want to be perfect and I cant be perfect and that is my every day struggle. And here it is with self ship. I cant be what i perceive to be the perfect self shipper. I need to be able to pretend that its only I that loves these characters. That they only love me. Even the stupid little crushes. Even the popular ones. Even the ones that probably wouldn't be a good match with me.

I hope this doesnt come off as me blaming the community or anyone in particular. I know that this is how things have to work in order for a community like this to coexist. There are going to be people that like the same character as me, I know that. And I want to be kind to them. We obviously see the same thing in these characters. I want everyone in this community to feel welcome and be able to talk about and love the characters they love. But that very conflict, of me wanting that, and me perpetuating my breakdown of self worth over others sharing a fictional character with me, is exactly the problem. It feels like cognitive dissonance.

I don't think theres a solution for me, but I'm going to step away from a bit and enjoy the f/o I'm spending time with (who is a different fire emblem character, but is one I left off the list when I first joined because he was popular and I didnt want to take him away from anyone). I need to work on affirming my own self worth, because I believe that to be the core of the issue. I'm realizing that seeing others ship with the same characters gets me into this cycle I usually find myself in. And it's a cycle that ends in me shrugging my shoulders and saying "Yeah, I guess it's the same as always. I shouldn't take up space and my feelings dont matter. If I become a shell of a person with no actual interests then I cant hurt anyone and they cant hurt me." And that's toxic. Even writing it down sounds horrible. But it's the way I feel every day about every word i say, even irl, and every single thing i do. It's a deep issue that extends far past self shipping, but my presence on tumblr only feeds the beast.

That being said, I love my friends who share f/os with me and I want them to be happy! The only reason I even wanted to write out all of this extremely personal stuff is because I love and trust all of you. You are the main reason I want to stay on tumblr. If I didnt know so many good people, I probably would just ghost. But I want to be better and I want to figure myself out and I want to stay friends with everyone.

In the meantime, if you want to talk I still check my messages on tumblr! I also have a discord (shogunpip#6246) tho I dont use it super often! I could be gone a month, I could be gone two more days. Who knows! But just know I love you guys and I'm working on loving me too. Best wishes!! ♡

#im. idk. ive been feeling a lot better since ive been away #ive missed my friends and its why i pop on every once in awhile and like some posts #but im just. realizing im still fighting a battle against mediocrity. if that makes sense #i force myself to be neutral to not make a stir in any way. and i dont want to do that anymore!#so im doing some self improvement #and. i hope none of what ive said in this post will hurt anyones feelings. or make them feel like i dont like them.#i love all my friends! and i hate how what ive written in this post makes me feel selfish #because i know that my feelings arent selfish. but i feel like they are #heres a lil sneak peek for yall. into my real actual head and heart. cuz i hide this kinda stuff away because #i guess i never want people to know im not perfect. i want them to see me as some kind of npc i suppose #but im not one and this will prove it #anyway i guess i had to make up for all my not posting the past 10 days by airing out my brain here ajdkfl #pls take care of yourself!! if youve read this far!#ren speaks #long post tw #ask to tag

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bloodycassian · 3 years

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A new Hope

ACOTAR - Cassian x (no gender) reader. Reader is an Illyrian trying to better the future of their people.

Cassian would not doubt that the world ending may be caused by Rhysand, once he learned of his newest relationship. Cauldron hope that Rhys would be able to explain it better than Cassian was to Rhys.

“She has a great sense of fighting ability. Rhys listen - she’s just as much of an asset as Feyre is!” He shouted as Rhys walked away.

“An asset or an ass you can look at Cass? I have tolerated quite a few of your less than admirable partners here but I will not have an Illyrian. The Three of us are enough as it is. Besides we dont even know what clan they’re from I wont-” Rhys paced at the top of the step, his anger building the more Cassian tried to persuade him.

“Rhys just meet them! Meet them and you’ll understand.” Cassian’s voice was quiet at the end, almost pleading. The high lord paused, glancing at his friend. Rhys had never known him to use that tone unless it was utterly serious. He weighed the risks in his mind. Deny his Army General a simple pleasure or risk losing valuable secrets about his home territory to possible enemy Illyrian clans? The choice was obvious in his mind, but Cassians’ persistence on the matter made him reconsider.

Rhy’s sighed, his power draining from his taut muscles. He waved a hand at his friend. “If I feel even a glimmer of note taking in their mind I will -Cassian, I will wipe it clean.” His friend’s face lit up with gratitude.

Cassian bound up the steps and clapped his high lord on the shoulder, his wings flaring with excitement. “You know not all us pure bred Illyrians are such lying assholes.”

You knew that someone would have to winnow you. The experience itself was much much different than how anyone described it. It made flying to the balcony almost impossible. Your head swam in dark spots and stars that weren’t actually there. Cassian’s warm hands righted you before you tumbled over your own feet when hitting the landing. His strong corded arms wrapped protectively around your middle, making sure you were adjusted to your feet again.

Your stomach rolled. Never from your entire life of flying had anything made you that woozy before. “I think I’m good now - lets just fly next time.” You breathed and nodded to Cassian for approval. It felt like your entire body had been squeezed into a hole and pulled out the other end.

“I had the house make breakfast-” Mor chirped as she walked in from the stairs. Food appeared on the enormous table. You turned, and vomited over the side of the balcony.

A few hours later, Cassian was beaming at you from across the table. All were laughing at a story he had just gotten done telling, and this place truly felt like a home for him. You could understand why he wanted so much better for you, for all the Illyrians. Better was possible, especially with such a forgiving high lord that was willing to help with ruling over the war camps.

“Very charming dear boy, but I believe we were here to interview your new pet.” The tiny woman at the end of the table finally spoke. Her eyes shone of a strange silver white that you had never seen before, and she did not eat. She was unsettling, and the rest of the table quieted. Amren, was her own person in the most definitive way. Cassian had warned you of her. You cleared your throat.

“I believe we have enough open minded Illyrians to begin our own camp, a new group where there are no rites, and females are not clipped.” You had practiced it in your head over and over on the days leading up to your meeting with Rhysands inner circle.

Cassian was grinning like a smug cat at the high lord and lady. Feyre could not hide her shock, and Mor took a long sip of her wine. Rhys leaned back in his chair, intrigued. “Wouldnt that mean a slaughter of these people? If the others found out. You would be painting a target on your back from the start.” No judgement, only pure questions and curiosity.

“We are trained, and are willing to shed blood if it comes to it.” You stated, willing your voice not to quaver under his questions. You could feel the power in his mere presence alone, and did not want to see it in action. You took a breath before revealing what you had been hiding until this moment. You glanced toward Cassian, who nodded in encouragement. You rolled up one of the sleeves covering the back of your hand. “I am willing to lead them.” Your dark onyx siphon glinted in the light. Utter silence coated the room, shock echoing throughout. Amren’s mouth dropped - then began beaming at you.

You rolled up the other sleeve, revealing the siphon on the opposite hand. “I am willing to protect them. We just need your help.” You stared at the high lord, who’s eyes were wide and jaw clenched. You didnt want to know what that meant. There was a soft chuckle from behind you.

Azriel was smiling wide as he stood next to you, taking your hand. “Welcome to the club. No way Rhy’s is letting you go now.”

“No winnowing. You can fly back with me or not, but I am going to vomit up that lovely dinner.” You pulled on your jacket, happy to be out of the hot seat at the table. So many questions from every angle besides Amren, who had just summoned a cup from the house and drained it.

“You’ll have to get used to it sometime. Rhys’ seems very interested in you.” He nudged your shoulder lightly, his wings flaring out - as if to taste the night breeze. “And not at all grateful to me for finding you.” He grumbled.

You rolled your eyes and stretched your arms, preparing for the long flight. You refused to stay the night, despite Feyre insisting. Nerves would probably make it impossible to sleep anyway. Not to mention the thought of sleeping in the same place as Cassian. He was… too tempting.

“Maybe we stop and camp if you’re still not feeling great.” He started for the ledge, then in a swift stride disappeared into the darkness. You glanced behind to the empty, already cleaned dining room. Magic house, must be nice. You felt a twinge of sadness as you leapt from the balcony.

A howl of adrenaline ripped through the air as Cassian hit an updraft just before the outside of the Illyrian mountain range. His heart soared, the cold wind kissing his skin and making him feel the best kind of alive. You circled with him, the soft glow of the campfires below were warm, but not inviting. You knew those fires were lit for the ones without even tents to call a home. Shame crashed through you.

Children of your kind, sleeping out in some of the most vicious winters that Prythian had to offer. It made you shudder. You had done all you could for the mothers of some of the children. For the ones willing for change. You knew that it was an uphill battle to create them a new home, but it would be worth it. It would pay off eventually.

If it worked.

Cassian banked toward you and matched your speed, his powerful wings within touching distance of yours. There was a long moment of silence between you. The wind and the rasp of your wings against your clothes the only sounds. Your face stricken, you tried to force a smile at him. “You dont have to go back, you know. We can figure something else out if you don't want to stay at the House of Wind.”

“What would that show my people?” You snapped back at him. The offer was kind, yes but Cassian might not know how bad certain camps had gotten. Especially the smaller ones. Males had begun usurping smaller villages and kicking children and females out of their own homes. That was on the good days, on the normal days there would be puddles of blood in the dirt roads the morning after the raid.

“I just mean maybe we should.. Stay out together?” Cassian trailed off. You felt your cheeks flush with color. “I mean if you want or if you dont its fine we can-” he started rambling as you descended together, landing just outside the flickering light of the village.

“You mean the great Night Cout General wants to share a tent with a war camp Illyrian?” You teased, pulling your coat tighter against the cold. The wind on the ground seemed to whip more harshly after landings. As if it was punishing you for being in its way.

Cassian boomed with laughter, “I havent heard of sharing a tent in years. I cant deny it is appealing.” He wiggled his eyebrows at you. His dark hair curled around his neck, bringing out the color in his dark cheekbones. He stepped toward you, blocking the wind. “Youre appealing.” His voice dropped to little more than a growl, his eyes were dark glancing from your lips to your eyes.

Your stomach flipped, tying knots up to your slamming heart. His wings flexed out, hands reaching for yours tentatively. The calluses on his palms were warm, and tough where a sword would lay. They matched his personality. You were ready for this. After looking at his full dark lips so long you were beyond studying the shape and curve of them. You were ready to see if they matched him as perfectly as his hands did.

A high pitched whistle sounded through the camp. Cassian groaned, his hands tightening on yours. Your eyes widened as you spied the cause of the interruption. A band of males were circling a fire, a few of them with weapons. Some with nothing more than a few scraps of clothes.

“Shit” You breathed, starting toward the group. You didnt know what you would do, but nothing would touch this village, the camp you worked so hard to preserve. You felt your siphons thrum with power. You would eviscerate them if they would not listen, you knew that much. You had hopes with this side of the village, that this would be more civilised than the south side where the fighting rings were.

Cassian grabbed your wrist before you could get farther. “I will help. Show yourself to them. Let them feel fear of the siphons. If they dont listen I can.. I will help you.” His eyes hid nothing, icy rage filled them.

You spun and kissed him, quickly. Quickly before he could pull you in, and get lost in the feeling of pure him. He faded to the shadows, the whisper of his wings the only thing telling you he was monitoring. Even facing a band of murder frenzied Illyrians, you could barely get the smile off your face.

#acotar #acotar reader insert #readerxcassian #reader x cassian #cassian #a court of thorns and roses

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mysteryartisticwriter · 4 years

Text

I Tried // Adam Milligan X Reader

A/N: I remember seeing Jake Abel in ‘Percy Jackson and the Lightning Theif’ and loving him. Then when I found out he was in Supernatural about a few years ago I flipped bro. He didn’t deserve all those years stuck in the cage, I feel so bad for him :(( bUT NOW HE’S BACKKK

TAKES PLACE DURING 15x08 (SPOILERS IF YOU HAVENT WATCHED IT YET)

REQUESTS ARE OPEN BTW

Requested: No

Warnings: Mild angst, some talk about death, cursing

Not my gif!! (Please tell me if you, the owner, would like me to take the gif down!)

Five years ago...

You sat at your computer in the bunker’s library. The library was dark, the only light being emitted from your screen. It was almost 6am and you weren’t getting anywhere with your research. You angrily closed a tab in your computer and rubbed your face, fighting sleep.

You took a deep breath and went back to your research. Just then, the lights of the library turned on, making you jump. You looked over to one of the entrances and saw both Winchester brothers standing in the doorway.

“(Y/n)?” Sam asked. “What are you doing up so early?”

You stammered, trying to look for an excuse or right words to say.

“I-I was looking for a case. We haven’t had one in at least a week so I-I figured I would do you guys a favor and search for one.”

Dean sighed, knowing you were lying.

“Hey,” The elder brother pulled up a chair next to yours. “What’s going on?”

“I already told you. I’m searching for a case-” You lied.

“Tell us the truth.” Sam pressured.

You sighed in defeat and pushed your laptop over to the men. They were able to see the many tabs you had pulled up about different types of spells for something.

“Do you remember what day it is?” You asked them.

Dean suddenly looked at you in panic. “Oh god, it’s not your birthday, is it? I could have sworn it wasn’t for a couple more months-”

“No, Dean. It’s not my birthday.” You interrupted him.

Sam, who was still looking through the tabs on your computers, looked back to you.

“Then what day is it?”

You gulped, forcing any upcoming tears or sobs that were trying to make its way out.

“It’s May 13th, the day that Adam was thrown into the pit with Michael.” You told them.

A harsh silence echoed throughtout the whole bunker. The three of you stared at each other while you waited for an answer from the two brothers. Sam could see memories flashing in his mind about the day that he threw himself, Lucifer, Michael and Adam into the pit. Guilt wallowed inside of him, remembering that he and Dean were forced to leave their half-brother in the cage.

They never really tried to get him back, thinking that they couldn’t bring him back or save him at all. It’s been five years now, and not a day didn’t go by when you didn’t think of the boy.

You had only known each other for a couple days before he said yes to the archangel. He was a sweet and funny guy even if he did have that Winchester attitude, the two of you got along very nicely since you were just a couple years younger than him. You weren’t together, but flirtations were exchanged, it was definitely one weird relationship.

When you were told by the brothers that they couldn’t save Adam too, you were crushed. It was strange, you barely knew Adam but your heart still ached knowing that you couldn’t save him.

A small tear slid down your cheek until you wiped it away as fast as you could, pretending as if nothing happened. You grabbed your laptop back from Sam and went through a couple tabs.

“It’s been five years now, and we haven’t brought him back yet. I’ve been up for the past few nights trying to search for another way to bring him back...”

“(Y/n)...”

“I know that I’m this close to finding the solution to getting him out of the cage, I swear it. I just need more time to find it and-”

“(Y/n)!” Dean called out to you, causing you to turn your head to him.

Dean had a guilty and bleak expression on his face, Sam looking at the floor, away from you.

“We can’t bring him back, you know that.” His words sympathic.

You shook your head. “No, no we found a way to bring Sammy back, didn’t we? If we brought Sam back then we can find another way to get Adam.”

“(Y/n), we were lucky to raise Sam out of Hell. You heard Cas, one person out and that’s it.” Dean insisted.

“We got Sam out! We can get Adam back out too! We have to get him out of there, he’s been there for five years now and...” You choked out, shielding your tears from the boys with your hands.

Sobs came from you and the two men slowly, but surely, wrapped their arms around you in a hug to comfort you. Tears cascaded down the two brother’s cheeks as well, a heavy pit in their stomachs from the constant guilt.

“He’s never coming back, is he, guys?” You whispered in between sobs.

Sam and Dean took glances between each other, sadly.

“No. No, he isn’t, sweetheart.” Sam admitted.

You felt like a failure. You were the one who was supposed to keep Adam away so he couldn’t say yes and now he was stuck in the cage for the rest of his life. He’d be totured for eternity all because you couldn’t save him.

The only sounds in the bunker were your cries.

Present time...

Somewhere inside a small diner, Jaci’s Red Wagon, a man sat at a booth waiting for his food. A waitree brought him his first order, a cheeseburger with fries. She sets the food onto the table and left the man to eat.

The man, Adam, grabbed his food and took a large bite into the burger, hungrily. He moaned in satifaction at the taste and happily chewed on his meal.

“You know that stuff will kill you, right?”

“Worth it.” He replied to the voice. “Michael, I haven’t seen a burger in 10 years.”

A hand from the other side of the booth grabbed a french fry from his plate and inspected it. Michael, inside of Adam’s mind, chuckled a bit and set the fry back on the plate.

“Go for it, kid.”

“You know, I know I don't need to eat. It just tastes so damn good.” Adam said as he picked up a fry and ate it.

“I wouldn’t know. I don’t know much about any of this. You'll be my guide.” Michael looked around the diner to all of the people eating and talking to people.

Adam saw the same waitress come back with a pan of pepperoni pizza, pushing his burger plate aside to make room for the pizza. The lady gently set the food onto the table in front of Adam, whose breath hitched at the sight of the delicious food.

He quickly thanked her and she responded with a smile and nod. Once she walked away, the blonde boy sniffed the amazing aroma of pizza and started to shake on some parmesan cheese and pepper.

“So, what about you? You gonna go back to heaven?” He asked the archangel.

The angel inside Adam’s head pursed his lips.

“I don't know. My brothers are dead. My father never returned. In so many ways, I'm alone.” He answered.

Adam thought about his own family. His mother and father were dead, and his half-brothers that didn’t even care about him.

“Yeah. Same here. It’s not like I have family waiting to see me.”

“You have the Winchesters, your brothers.” Michael added, a little confused on why he didn’t think of them first. “I met them once, and they let me rot in Hell.” Adam corrected him, wiping his mouth with a napkin.

“What about the girl? (Y/n) (L/n)?” The angel pondered.

Adam remembered the kind (h/c) hair colored girl who was a close family friend to the brothers. She was about his age, maybe a couple or few years younger, but he remembers liking her a lot. (Y/n) always made sure he was comfortable and occupied, and man did he feel guilty about disobeying her to say yes to the archangel inside him now.

“I...I don’t even know if she’s still them. Most likely she is since she was friends with them first but,” Adam thought carefully about his next words. “I doubt she even remembers me anymore. It’s been 10 years, anyway.”

Adam and Michael looked at each other knowingly. Both having similiar situations and because they had been left in the cage for so long, the two had become almost like friends. They’d created a sort of relationship within each other, neither completely taking over the other.

“Family.” Michael scoffed.

“Family sucks.”

A little while later after finishing all his meals and then ordering some cake for desert, Adam laid back in the comfy booth, looking around at all the people. He glanced over to some of the waitresses working, picking up plates and cleaning tables for their job.

“Maybe I should pick up some kinda little job.” He blurted out.

“A little job?” Michael asked, a little confused.

“Yeah. Yeah, I mean, these are the same clothes we went to hell in. We're gonna have expenses, right? And whatever change I had, I spent on food, so, it's not like I can go back to college,” Adam chuckled. “Not with an archangel inside of me.”

The man hadn’t noticed someone sneaking up behind him, and a hand rested onto his shoulder. Adam looked up to the person and saw a blonde haired woman smiling down at them.

“Hello, Michael.”

Adam’s eyes glowed a bright blue, signifying that he was no longer at the wheel, but instead the angel.

“Lilith.” He growled.

The woman let go of his shoulder and walked over to the other side of the booth.

“You’re dead.”

“Was. Now,” Lilith turned to him and swung her hips. “I’m back, baby.”

She sat down at the other seat, her face turning serious. “And I’ve been sent to fetch you.”

“I'm not accustomed to being fetched. Who sent you?” Michael questioned, his voice low.

“You have to ask? Your daddy. God. Yeah, he'd like a word.” Lilith answered him, Michael’s expression turning to mild shock and confusion.

“You're lying.”

“Really not.” The demon took a finger full of cake frosting into her mouth.

“Then why would he send you, a demon, a speck of infernal bile?” He spat at her.

Lilith’s face turned mockingly sad and offended. “One, ouch. Two, maybe because we worked together before. Remember? Setting off the Apocalypse?”

“To try and bring God back.” Michael corrected her.

“Right. Didn't work then, but then he came back on his own. So, win?”

Michael’s face grew closer to her but remained emotionless.

“If that's true if...he can come talk to me himself.”

The female demon just rolled her eyes.

“Yeah. Except, I'm not supposed to leave without you.” Lilith told him, staring into his eyes.

“Get out.” He threatened, voice dripping with venom.

“Michael,” Lilith reached over and grabbed his wrist firmly. “I can’t fail him.”

Michael stared hard at the hand at his wrist then turned to face Lilith, eyes glowing blue once more. The demon started to glow a bright yellow and bright light, enveloping the whole diner.

Once it had disappeared, all that was left in Lilith’s place was a piece of black clothing. Michael carefully looked around the resturaunt to see everyone staring at him in awe. People started to whisper about what had just happened and the archangel sighed.

“Remember nothing.”

With that, he snapped his fingers and all the customers and workers went back to doing what they had done before, as if nothing had even happened. Michael and Adam pushed away the plate of cake, no longer hungry.

Michael and Adam could hear Castiel praying to them, well mainly Michael but technically it was both since they shared a body. Michael felt himself get angry at Castiel’s words about his father. He believed that God, their father was their enemy? The archangel could only scoff at that.

Still, he sent a message to Castiel through the angel radio. He told him to meet them at a warehouse, someplace where they could talk alone and privately.

The trenchcoated angel was walking around the warehouse, waiting for his brother. He could sense that he was near, but not visible yet.

“Michael?” Castiel called out.

The sound of flapping wings came from behind him so he turned to find Michael, still inside Adam’s body, standing there.

“Thank you. Thank you for coming.” The archangel only stared at him. “Do you remember me?”

“You called me ‘ass-butt’ and set me on fire. And then you helped send me to Hell.” Michael replied, menacingly.

Castiel looked down awkwardly at the floor, remembering the moment. “I did.”

“And now what? You've come to tell me that God, my father, creator of all things, is my enemy?” Michael glared hard at the angel. “Or maybe you just came to beg for forgiveness.”

Castiel lightly smirked.

“Oh, I didn’t come to beg.”

A lighter flicking open in Cas’ hand caught the man’s attention. He dropped it onto the floor of the warehouse and a ring of fire began to burn around Michael, trapping him inside.

Michael looked around the fire in a slight panic before returning his gaze to Castiel, whose face showed slight regret. The sound of plastic curtains moving made him turn towards the entrance, three figures emerging from the dark.

Adam and Michael could see the figures turn into Sam and Dean Winchester, but what caught Adam’s eye inside of his own mind was the (h/c) short haired female standing beside them. (Y/n) had definitely aged, but not too much, still looking as beautiful as the day he met her. Her hair much short and a little taller than before.

Your breath hitched as you saw Adam, or Michael since that’s who was in control at the time. Ten years and he hadn’t changed that much. Older, yes but he still looked like the boy you left in Hell all those years ago. Keeping a straight face, you held up a pair of angel cuffs and showed it to him.

Knowing what was about to happen, Michael turned to his brother with a sneer.

“Castiel, what have you done?”

After capturing Michael and taking him back to the bunker in cuffs, you all stood in one of the interrogation rooms. You could feel the tension was so thick that even an angel blade couldn’t cut it. The four of you stood on the opposite side of the room, facing a powerless archangel as he stared back at you.

“Even for you, especially for you, this is stupid.” Michael commented.

“Good to see you, too Mike.” Said Dean, sarcastically.

Michael looked at each one of you, looking at Dean then to his brother.

“Sam. You look well. Last time I saw you in the Cage...”

“Yeah, it doesn’t matter.” Sam said in an almost whisper.

You could feel Michael’s eyes on you as he came closer to you all. There was a brief silence as you felt his eyes staring down at you. All you could do was just look away, wanting to see Adam, not Michael.

“We need your help. God-” Sam began to say until he was interrupted by the archangel.

“I’ve heard. Repeatedly.” Michael glanced over to where Cas stood as he sat down in the chair.

“Well then you’re aware-”

“I’m not aware of anything. You're asking me to trust you. You, who doomed me, you, who let Lucifer walk free while your own brother sat in hell.” He barked, feeling protective of the youngest Winchester he grew close to.

You were close to crying. You had tried for years to get Adam back but failed. Eventually, the brothers had convinced you that there was no way of getting him out. Dean looked down at the floor in guilt.

“Doing what we do, we've had to get used to losing people.” Sam tried to tell him.

“Probably a little too used to it.” You added, speaking for the first time.

Cas glanced over to you in concern, but you just looked to him with your lips in a thin line then back to Michael. Adam, inside his own head, could feel himself getting a bit jumpy inside after hearing your voice after so long.

“With Adam, we said goodbye because we thought we had to. We were wrong.”

Michael stared down the man with hard eyes. He always wondered if the brothers ever tried to get Adam back, but apparently not. But if the Winchesters didn’t try, did (Y/n)?

“Well, don't tell me.” Michael said, shaking his head. “Tell him.”

You all stared at him, confused, not understanding what he meant by that. Suddenly, his eyes flashed a blue glow, his body straightening up. Adam glanced to Dean, to Sam, then finally you. He pulled his lips into a short smile.

“Hey, (Y/n),” He then looked to his brothers. “Sam, Dean.”

Your lips formed into a wide grin, happy to hear the real Adam’s voice. It was deeper than when you first met him but that didn’t matter. You just wanted to go up to him and give him the tighest hug ever then never let go.

“Adam.” You said in a small whisper.

You were just about to go run up to him when you were stopped by the arm of Castiel. His eyes telling you stand down and wait until they were done talking first. Hesitantly, you silently agreed. Adam felt a bit upset, he wanted to hold you more than anything as of right now.

“Adam?” Asked Sam, trying to confirm it was really him.

Adam jokingly raised his hands, pretending as if he was about to attack. You would have laughed if it weren’t for the current situation.

“Wait, Mic-Michael lets you talk? I mean, he lets you be?” Questioned Dean.

You were actually just as surprised as the boys, remembering when Dean said yes to Michael to kill Lucifer and he ended up being overriden by the angel for a while.

“Uh, yeah.” Adam nodded. “In the Cage, we came to an agreement. We only had each other.”

Needless to say, you were kind of impressed, actually. You’ve never seen an angel and a vessel come to an agreement or be at peace within each other. It was always the angel being the one at the wheel, never really the vessel.

But it also pained you as you heard Adam’s words. It was just the two of them for so many years, only them in the cage after Sam and Lucifer left. If you had tried harder, maybe they both could have gotten out earlier.

“Adam, look, I know we bailed on you, okay, and there is nothing that we can say to fix that.” Dean admitted to him.

The blonde just sighed.

“How about an ‘I'm sorry’?”

After being trapped in Hell for so many years, all he wanted was an apology from his family. Your heart broke, thinking of the toture he must have gone through and how much pain he felt about being abandoned. Adam was strong, a humble man for only wanting an ‘I’m sorry’.

Adam’s eyes glowed blue for a moment and he grunted, moving around in his cuffs and seat. Michael was back now.

“Enough. Why am I here?” Michael questioned.

Cas spoke up after being quiet for a while. “Michael, we needed to speak with you because God is back. You didn't think the Cage just opened on its own, did you?”

“If my father is back, he will usher in Paradise.”

“No, he won't.” Michael turned to you. “Because Paradise is boring, and your dad...he's just looking to be entertained.” You explained, recalling about when Chuck killed Jack.

“Which means we're his puppets. All of us, especially you.”

The archangel stood up furiously, his face brooding.

“I won't hear this. You're lying.” Michael pointed each and every one of you. “I don't know what your agenda is, but you're lying.” He swore, not wanting to back down on his loyalty to his father.

“Michael...” Cas began to say until Adam managed to switch back with the archangel.

“Hey. It's Adam.” He chuckled, you smiling softly at him.

“I'd give it a rest. He's not listening.”

You and the boys sighed in defeat. Michael was too loyal to his father, not wanting to believe anyone who questioned God’s orders. This was going to be tough.

Later, after the you and boys had left Adam and Michael, Adam, still in the angel cuffs, tried to convince the archangel about joining his brothers.

“So, I've been thinking. Maybe they're not lying.” Adam said as he sat down at the desk in the middle of the room.

Michael, standing on the side, scoffed at his words.

“H-Hear me out. Sam, Dean and...(Y/n) try to be on the right side of things. They actually do. They tried to talk me out of taking you on, for example, out of all of this.” Adam began.

“So, you forgive them?”

“Oh, hell no! No. But that's not what this is about.” Adam faced Michael. “It's...look, if they tell you something's off with God, it's because they believe it's true. And if they believe it, it probably is true.”

You were about to come into the room to talk to Adam with a couple beers, you could hear him talking to someone. But you knew no one else was in the room because no one was replying to him, it was just his voice. You paused before entering, waiting.

“You and I have been together for years. My father and I have been together for eternity. I exist because he willed it.” Michael exclaimed, though you couldn’t hear it.

“So he's having a mid-eternity crisis!” Adam turned to his friend. “Or!...Or, maybe you don't know your dad as well as you think you do.”

You snickered under your breath, now realzing he was probably talking to Michael in his mind. He made a point, Michael didn’t know his father all that well, just like how you and the Winchesters thought you knew him too.

In the room, Michael was about to go off on Adam but instead just turned to face the wall. He walked up the small pairs of steps up to the upper floor.

“The point is parents keep secrets, right? Does it hurt to ask the question?”

Gripping the railing tightly, Michael snapped.

“Yes! It would! It would mean that I doubt him. The good son, the favorite, doubts his father.”

Adam leaned in as close as he could to Michael.

“You still care about that? After he left you in the Cage?”

Adam knew he had truly set off something inside of Michael. He could see his nose flaring from anger and his neck began turning a slight red. Hearing no more talking, you took your chance to enter the room.

“Glad to know that at least one of you believes us.”

Adam looked away from Michael to see you entering the room, two beers in hand. He straightened himself up in his seat, smiling slightly.

“I brought some beers, hoping we could maybe talk.” You asked, setting the alcohol onto the table.

“Yeah, I guess I could use a beer after not having one for 10 years.” Adam teased you.

It wasn’t very funny to you, though. Ten years without Adam, ten years he had suffered. Five years ago when you officially gave up on trying to bring him back, you remembered Sam and Dean telling you how nothing could be done. You lived those next five years thinking you would never see him again. And now, here he is.

“Adam-”

“Did you ever try?” You looked up to him, his expression more serious. “Did you at least ever try to get me out?”

“Oh Adam, if you knew the amount of times I tried to make a deal, looked up a spell- hell anything that would even have the slightest chance to get you out of the Cage...” You stopped for a moment. “I didn’t give up until Sam and Dean had to get me out of my spunk. I spent so many nights of research for you that I still have the eyebags.”

Adam laughed at your joke, you joining him as it echoed throughout the room. When it died down, a comfortable silence replaced it. You and the blonde male just took a moment to stare at one another, taking in each other’s presence.

“I tried, Adam. I really did. But...it was never really enough. I was never enough to save you. I am so, so sorry.” You cried softly.

A tear escaped down your cheek and your controlled breathing was the only sound. Adam could see it in your eyes, you really did try. His brothers, the ones who didn’t even try, were the ones who convinced you otherwise. Out of the corner of his eye, Michael stood behind you, looking at the blonde. He lightly smiled and nodded.

“Well...you did try more than I think my brothers could,” You peeked at Adam through your tears. “I forgive you.”

You stared at him in shock, he just forgave you that quick? If that were you, it would have taken probably years to accept an apology from being left in the Hell. Adam was really something.

“Now, you gonna share a beer with me or are we just gonna sit here all day?”

You giggled. “You’re still in the angel cuffs. Am I gonna have to hold the beer for you?”

“Or you could just hold my hand and I hold the beer.”

The two of you laughed together, you blushed at his words.

“Then you wouldn’t be able to drink, idiot.” You countered.

“Any excuse to hold your hand is fine to me.” He winked.

“You’re so weird.”

“You love me, anyway.”

You smirked. “Of course I do. I didn’t wait for you for 10 years to end up not loving you.”

“You love me?”

You haulted in your tracks. Fuck, you really just outed yourself didn’t you?

“Yes.”

“Well then,” His mouth formed into a grin. “I guess I love you too.”

A/N: Tbh, I don’t really like how this ended but it’s the best I’ve got so deal with it lol. Stay safe, loves!

TAGGED:

@shortwinchester

@coltcas

@urlaslongasafalloutboysongtitle

@xsweetnsour

@irinazatyk

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lemonietrinket · 4 years

Text

No Fear ||| Shownu x Reader

Genre: corny Fluff, my attempts at humour Warning(s): None Word Count: 1269 AN: Happy Birthday Shownu! Inspired by of course my man’s inhuman lack of reactions to anything scary. He must feel so safe to be with though, like, no one nor thing would mess with you if he was there. Even spiders would run away in fear. And he’d be able to comfort you with those big arms of his and hold you close and secure... ok I’m getting carried away Written for a short YN. Hope you enjoy!

~~~

Strange laughter echoed throughout the park from the Haunted House you and your boyfriend just exited. Usually the leader in the relationship you resigned yourself the backseat that time, clutching Shownu’s waist as if your life depended on it, while you desperately tried to ignore the off-putting shrieks around you.

You couldn’t remember why you’d even suggested the Haunted House anyway.

As you’d trundled through the dark, shrieking at every shifting shadow and unnerving whisper that had you not been in the vicinity of you would immediately write off as not even believable, you couldn’t understand how your boyfriend was so unfazed by everything that the staff had to throw at him.

Chainsaws received nothing. Ghosts received no reaction either. Creepy dead bodies that only moved when you could see them in your peripheral? Not even a second glance.

It was just as well that the rooms had been dark otherwise you would have had Shownu’s little smile to contend with, on top of the sudden werewolves that jumped out and gave you a very near heart attack. Your boyfriend in question had spent his whole time in the attraction giggling at your shrieks of terror quietly to himself while, in the same breath, rubbing your back as you burrowed your head into his chest mumbling ‘it’s alright, you’re safe’. He wouldn’t admit it without you bringing it up first, but he did get a kick out of being a protector for you of sorts. You rarely needed caring for like that, and he was very glad you had enough sense (it meant more coddling for him and like was he going to turn that down? No) to not get yourself in trouble too often, but he couldn’t help but enjoy it on the occasion you did need some security, even in a somewhat silly situation like this. It showed that you trusted him, and that his embrace to you was the safest place to be. And the fact that you sounded adorable squeaking in fright at the strange witch that threw open her hut’s door.

Nevertheless, when you finally felt the light of the late afternoon sun on your face (after Shownu had offered a polite thank you to the bootleg Kruger acting as one final scare) you broke away from your vice-like grip you had on your man and soaked up the sun.

“Thank god it’s over,” you breathed.

“You’re the one that wanted to go in,” Shownu reminded, straightening his cap as he smiled at your stretched arms. So cute, he thought.

You scoffed. “Pssh, I was not! You wanted to go in there, so you could show off your frankly demonic immunity to scary things!” You narrowed your eyes at the man who merely gazed back down at you with a cute grin. “How are you never afraid? Of anything? At all?”

He shrugged. “It’s clearly fake.”

“I know but still! No prank, no jump-scare, no spider... nothing can get you!” you pouted. “You’re so weird.”

“So are you,” Shownu retorted, coming to your side once again and slotting his hand at your waist. You huffed at him but regardless slipped your arm round him too. It always made him smile at how far you couldn’t reach around him, but how you were never deterred.

Making your gradual way throughout the funfair, bright melodies bubbling across the breeze through the gushes of screams from high above, you discussed where to go next. Finally deciding on making your way to the other side of the park instead for dinner, you piped up, “Why are you so unafraid, Nunu?”

He glanced down, his eyes briefly meeting yours as he readjusted your necklace. The clasp had made its way to meet the pendant—a small emblem the colour of your birthstone that he’d gotten you for your birthday the year before—so he gently eased it to the back of your neck once again. Wordlessly, he let his finger brush your chin as he moved away once again. He was buying himself some time to think, evident by how his brow furrowed as it always did when he was deep in thought, and so you waited patiently.

His eyes met the sky and then the flurry of a roller coaster as it went by off to the side before returning to yours. “Because there are much worse things that are then much scarier.”

You nodded at his take. You wished you could just tell yourself that it wasn’t worth being scared of fake spiders and then just not be afraid anymore. You chuckled at the thought, realising what little use that would be, as that was Shownu’s job after all. Shrugging, you leant into his chest, enquiring simply, “Like what?”

He looked at you then and it became apparent that he had an answer to that one right away—he was always an open book after all. But it took him a few seconds to reply, taking the moment to inhale deeply before parting his lips.

“Losing you.” His words were quick and quiet, as if he didn’t want the world to hear them, just in case he jinxed it, but you heard him. They were so corny too, but the pink of his ears indicated genuine sincerity and you couldn’t deny the swell of your heart and the faint blush that rose to your cheeks.

His other hand brushed through your hair lightly, tucking it behind your ear so he could thumb your cheek for a few moments, before he got too shy and pulled away once again.

Breathing in the scent of food, he cleared his throat. “I think I see a hotdog stand over there, do you want that or something else?”

It likely appeared that you were mulling over your food choice, but really you were still two steps behind, Shownu’s words repeating in your head. You’d been together for a long time, and so there was really no doubt that he loved you, but this added a whole new layer of depth.

You brought the two of you to a stop in the midst of your already snail-pace amble, accidentally ignoring his question and softly asserted, “I promise I’m not going anywhere,” before standing on tiptoe to plant a kiss on his cheek.

He was caught off-guard slightly, but managed to hold himself together, threading his fingers through your hair once again as he smiled and let his forehead meet yours. He didn’t care if he had to bend down, he was just happy to peck your nose, helping you stretch the little extra distance to meet his lips. He caressed your neck, down past your shoulders and to the small of your back while your eyes fluttered closed. His touch was chaste, always treating you with care that you always appreciated, and you ran your fingers up his jaw before settling at the nap of his neck.

Eventually you parted, you opting to fall back onto the soles of your feet and laying your head flat against his broad chest. However, that peace did not last either, as Shownu carefully ushered you into a walk once again. Of course, how could you have forgotten.

“Yeah alright, I get it, food is still more important,” you giggled, rolling your eyes at how food-motivated he could really be and laughing harder as he half-heartedly tried to cover, “christ, you really think with your stomach don’t you.”

Once again tucking you into his side, Shownu gave you a squeeze. “I love you so much.”

You sighed, a content smile drifting onto your lips. “I love you too, dork.”

~~~

AN: i feel i havent written any monsta x in forever :(( im sorry bebes ill try and write more :((

i also didnt call him hyunwoo for the soul reason that nunu became a viable nickname bc

is that not the cutest nickname ever?

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thoughtfulpaperback · 4 years

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Charmed 2x12 Review SPOILERS!!!!!!

Okay let's do this. Sorry I skipped one but times are hectic. For entertainment I give it an 8/10. Same format. Dislikes, likes and highlights

Dislikes

1. Macy Kneeling to Abby.

Let's just get this one out the way. I can see where they might have been going with this.

They maybe are trying to move away from the ambiguous route with abby (trying to make her sympathetic with her whole patriarchy thing and her dead mom) I mean she is progressively becoming more predatory with Harry so with that in mind, this was possibly one of the "abby is really a bad person not a feminist as she is only out for her own gain and not the empowerment of all women". And I can get that maybe they were also trying to show "look Macy is willing to do the most degrading thing possible just for the chance at rebuilding that power of three/charmed bond with her sisters for the protection of the magical community".

But listen.....

We all know Abigael isnt a star feminist. We already know (although we dont exactly know) that she has some sort of plan up her sleeve to be weary of.

There has been too much attempted ambiguity and the main characters letting her get away with terrible things that the message isnt coming across.

Plus Maybe yes showing Macy being willing to do something that really probably hurt all of us (epecially those of us who are minorities) to watch, may have been to drive home the differences between her and Macy and play up Macy's love for her sisters

But like we know Macy and Abby arent similar (as much as you writers tried to play that up at first). And you know just adding more sister bonding moment and just the fact that Macy was willing to go to abby after all the previous stuff was enough to show she was desperate? Maybe just add more sister bonding moments so we can see how dedicated they are to each other?

Maybe? Just saying.

If the writers are finally going to commit to Abby being a full on villian then I guess the seen was worth cementing that she is horrible (sort of).

Here's my question though as I consider whether the scene was worth it. Who is this show for and what is it trying to show? I mean if it is for minorities and women then i can see how showing these historical and current issues (conflict of power and consideration among women where race is concerned) then I guess showing it and having that controversy makes sense. But like we live it.

As minorities we already know. I know I struggle between wanting my experience shown and also wanting to watch something where for once the minority characters arent subjected to that experience. Charmed did better at addressing controversy and women's issues in season 1. I dont care if it was "obvious" or "heavy handed" because when it is not you basically get the kneeling scene where you dont know what the point was, if it was necessary, and are left feeling hurt or bitter about it.

2. Hacy Kiss.

Listen Brenda/on, this is on my like and dislike list. I will mention what I dislike about it.

The first thing is that it was a fantasy. I mean yes I like that we get full on confirmation that Macy has romantic feelings for Harry and not just considering that she might have them, but I honestly hate the fact that they would tease us like that. Especially when Macy is at a low moment. Which I will get into.

They are kinda ruining Macy for me. Listen, at this point they havent given us enough insight into Macys feelings or thoughts to understand why she isnt pursuing Harry. We can speculate and infer based on previous seasons and some of what the writers or showrunners say on twitter, but this season itself hasnt done much in showing Macy's thought process and so it falls flat. It isnt her reluctance to let people in or not wanting to get involved with someone after Galvin since she does pursue Julian and gets serious relatively quickly. She, at least now we it is confirmed, has those feelings for Harry, but is still choosing to be with someone else inspite of those feelings. I hate that. Harry is obviously tempted by abby and is being naive with her, but he isnt pursuing her and has blocked her advances (except the kiss) so far which may change who knows, but the point is if Macy was just casually dating and enjoying Julian's company I would be like okay, still hate that she would lead someone on when she has feeling for someone else, but if its casual there is less of a chance of the other person being hurt.

I cant get behind Julian x Macy, not because of Julian (who so far is perfect and probably going to be a villian or some how connected to the villians because it is a common trope) but because of Macy. Julian x Macy isnt Healthy because Macy knows she has feelings for someone else. She is using him. That isnt to say she doesnt genuinely like or care about him, but at the end of the day she is using him. Which is crappy because Julian so far seems like a great guy and doesnt deserve being the "distraction". I mentioned this all the time but my least favorite love triangles are the ones where one person is using the other.

Healthy would be Macy and Julian being friends while she works through her feelings and then decides who she wants to be with. Not being with someone while having feelings for someone else.

Macy was shown in season 1 to be rational and could be rational to the point of compartmentalizing and coming off as cold. So maybe that is where they are drawing from, but again little effort has been made on the part of the writers to show what's going on in her brain other than that fantasy kiss. And again I am still like....okay so what does that mean in the long run you butts!!!

3. Helen's suicude

I am so iffy about how shows portray people completing suicide. Like on one hand I get that them showing her exercising free will, but suicide portrayed as a positive rather than a tragedy is just....ugh for me. I still am not sure how I feel overall about it.

Lore wise I hate that they use it to explain why Harry and jimmy couldnt kill each other, because in an interview rupert claimed Harry was immortal now because of the elder thing and the show said it in that first episode. So like are both true? So if harry tries to stab himself like Helen will he just end up back in the coffin and alive since she is immortal?

I mean we are 12 episodes in and have about 10 to go so we really should be working towards a cohesive lore and storyline not adding confusing or not well explained layers. The world building they did in the first half was a lot better which makes me wonder what they heck is going on in the writing room.

Likes

1. Parkerita

Let me explain. While I fancy Jordan x Maggie together. I'd prefer that be a slow burn and steady friendship first. Parker seems to be Maggie's first love. It makes sense that she is still grieving and holding on. While I kind of wanted to be done with Parkerita in fairness to all the season 1 romances that where tossed out, I like the nod to Phole. I felt the OG Phole relationship was not healthy, but I liked the tradgedy of it. I think if new Charmed wants to wrestle with that and do it better (although my faith in the writers is low right now) then I wouldnt be against it. I love a good tradgedy and I sat through Phole so I'll sit through this one.

2.Hacy kiss

I love that the writers finally did something to show us what is going on in Macys brain. I need more (not necessarily Harry fantasies but I wont complain if we get more of those). I do hope a real Hacy kiss is a bit different because one one hand the fact Macy wanted to kiss harry when she was feeling down says something to me about how she feels about him and that she still trusts him (but it could, If I wanted to be cynical, just be more evidence that Macy skews towards using people when she is repressing or feeling down although she didnt actually kiss him, if she had I think I would have not liked it in that particular moment given it would have felt more like using him that expressing feelings)

Highlights

1. Abby really thinks no means maybe 😒 . . .

2. Mel is a lesbian magnet and I'd be fine with her just casually dating while all this other crap is going on as long as she is happy

2. Helen

3. These horror movie vibes though!!

#the cw charmed #charmed reboot #charmed cw #charmed #charmed 2018 #charmed 2018 spoilers #charmed spoilers #hacy #macy x harry #harry x macy #harry greenwood #macy vaughn #mel vera #maggie vera

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arcenergy · 3 years

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1, 9, 11, 12, 16, 31, 34, 37, 48 for whoever is most on your mind rn

im gonna cherry pick these and answer them either for arcetri, mustard, or sulevin (or ill fuck around and do several). i have enormous brain rot over arcetri and mustard atm but i havent done one of these for sulevin yet (i think)

1. What is their view on love?

mustard’s view on love is So messy he’s so messy like as a person. he never really considered himself able to love or be in love because he spent a very long time asking very little for himself and did the whole ‘i spent all of my time making everyone comfortable but i wasnt comfortable myself’. although this questions implies Romantic love i feel like in general his relationships have been strained in that aspect for a long time bc for mustard his priorities were just keeping people safe and comfortable and at the very bare minimum, alive. this kinda ends up turning him into an apathetic shithead for a bit after he fails one too many times because he’s over it while he DOES care he also like...doesnt. he isnt going to break his back over it anymore (but also he kinda does).

with all of that being said he kind of went from “it’s not a good time for me atm” to “i dont think it will ever be a good time to be w/ me” which is Wrong and so whenever someone expresses interest in him he’s always very surprised. and then very concerned. he goes back to fretting if he’s doing enough bc he doesnt want to feel like a failure but EVENTUALLY...eventually he ends up finding some peace in it and sembelance of comfort that he was always missing and for once in his life he actually feels like doing this all was worth it, even if it’s just for a little while

9. What is a virtue they wish they had?

sulevin...is a spirit of purpose so on one hand he embodies that concept but at the same time he kind of got the short end of the stick and was tossed into the fade when his body was starting to fail him after he contracted the blight. he just kinda feels like everyone has their own sense of justice and morality and it’s easy enough to dispense it if you’re angry enough but purpose is far more difficult, and his guiding words usually fall on deaf (or just really stubborn) ears.

11. What is their fatal flaw?

arcetri’s fatal flaw is probably her selflessness because it goes directly into her stubborness. while this can also be a good thing she would rather throw herself into the fire than try to extinguish it and by god nobody is going to tell her otherwise.

12. What is guaranteed to make them cry?

mustard doesnt cry a whole lot but when he does it’s usually bc something Horrible just happened or he’s just really stressed out or overwhelmed and he has to take it out on something (usually himself). on the flip side he can be a bit of a sap sometimes and so genuine sentiments or proclaimations of love etc etc can make him a bit teary eyed

16. How well do they get along with children?

sulevin (in life) was a healer of a dalish clan and he was used to dealing with their bumps and bruises and he got along with them pretty well although he doesnt let them get up to as much trouble as arcetri does. i dont think sulevin had kids himself but he has the like. cool uncle vibes that’ll slide you a $5 for snackies

arcetri on the other hand thought that children were little snot monsters for the longest time but when she’s getting to her mid to late twenties she’s like “yes do u need anything alistair” (has like five children from her aunt’s clan hanging off of her). kids LOVE arcetri because she’s the Hero!!! but also she thinks its amusing to watch them get up to their own mischief (not nearly as bad as her own mischief when she was a kid but still supplemental).

31. Do they have any pets? Are there any pets that they want?

arcetri’s the only one that actually has pets (although mustard looks after his neighbors cat whenever he can). although at the same time her pets arent hers necessarily but just what’s at the palace bc you got yourself barkspawn and his pubbies, the royal stables and whatever horses are there (arcetri only rly has one horse that she gives a shit abt and his name is peanut butter) and then you have the stray cats that arcetri let into the barn to clean up the mice. it’s lowkey a zoo but arcetri refuses to admit it. arcetri wants to actually adopt a stray and take it into the palace and be like hehe My cat but she knows that she’d probably end up neglecting attention and time to it bc she’s busy as fuck so she decides against it

34. Do they have any scars? How do they feel about them?

arcetri’s pretty indifferent about her scars although during the few times that she’s dressed up for a formal event (or her wedding...s) and she saw all of the scars she got from fighting and she’s just like.....:/. she primarily wears long sleeves during special/formal events for a reason. she also wears gloves to cover up the lyrium brand bc that’s a sore spot and a half for her.

sulevin had a few scars in life but wasnt much of a fighter, when he was young he didnt pay close enough attention to his surroundings and some wolves got him so that’s how he got the ones on his face (and also how he met the previous sulevin that would come to follow him). he also has a “blight scar” which is a big ole black, sprawling, veiny looking scar on his chest by his heart which came from being infected. sulevin shows his scars bc he’s accepted that they’re apart of him and acknowledges his shortcomings and failures in life bc why be regretful when he’s already dead

37. Is there something they did that they deeply regret doing? Was it a mistake or on purpose?

mustard doesnt regret walking away from typical guardian life to do some soul searching but i think he kind of regrets how it all played out bc he did Not make some good decisions and he did it mostly bc he didnt care what came tomorrow and he hung out with some shady people that like. took advantage of his anger and grief and he’s just very tired of feeling like somebody else’s weapon that they can brandish whenever they feel it necessary

48. How much effort do they put into their own well-being?

arcetri only did the bare minimum for a long time just so that she could wake up and walk the next day but i think alistair motivates her to do better a lot, and so does anaise :p

#misc #asks #arcetri tabris #mustard #sulevin #ehehehe thank u for these #da #destiny #luptaccos

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therewas-a-girl · 4 years

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Shipwrecks, Of the Wretched, de profundis ALL OF THE QUESTIONS

the

you think i will be intimidated by this BUT CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!!! *cracks knuckles*

Shipwrecks

1. What inspired you to write the fic this way?

this fic is written mostly traditionally tbh - its cronologically told, in third person and mostly from one pov which is (and will be) feclicity. however, i have changed my mind about a lot of things since i started the fic - for one, i want to incorporate the whole ‘unreliable narrator’ thing a lot more. i want to use flashbacks more carefully: playing with timelines in how cetain present time events triger past moemories that illuminate the REASON behind present time choices. things like that.

the real inspiration for the fic itself was another fic i read - I've Never Truly Loved (Until You Put Your Arms Around Me) by theirhappystory. And the fact that i read that fic ... while i was on a boat... while there was a storm. a small one BUT STILL.

2: What scene did you first put down?

Whatever Walks Here, Walks Alone - aka oliver looking at felicity in the lair. by itself this scene could fit anywhere from the begining of season 1, to anywhere in season 2. i didnt really write it with a timeline in mind. it was mroe like me pondering the characters.

3: What's your favorite line of narration?

i had a LOT of fun - unexpected fun - writing Diggle’s pov in teh whole situation. you see, when i started the story the first thing i wanted to figure out was where do i want the characters to end up in relation to each other - so that i could start the story with them being in the diametrically opposite spot! but then i realized that i also want contrast within the trio - and where oliver and felicity move towards each other at a glacial pace, john and felicty have a much more easy time understanding where the other stands. like... they vibe. and it had a lot o fun planing out that vibe - and all teh ways it pisses off oliver, in the begining.

4: What's your favorite line of dialogue?

To answer this i would have to go back and re-read a lot of what i wrote and plan to write, but there is a line that STAYS with me and its one felicity says.

so - in the show, the trio do eventually find out that the Gambit was sabotaged and did not just sink. Now - in Shipwrecks - this would have a major devastating effect on felicity, who was in the gambit with oliver and sara. And she is the one that has the hunch that moira was involved (i think this happens in canon too?) - and she pushes oliver about it. Bc ofc she thinks of moira as just another person. Worse even - a person who hurt her. At this point she is MANIC about it and it freaks oliver out. Like, take the natural defensiveness he has against the idea and add a fear that felicity might genuinely kill his mother, and you get him being very agressively AGAINST felicity following moira anywhere. and when felicity understands that oliver has no intention of pursuing a what she sees as a genuine lead about the event that practically ruined them as people, she just, shuts down, makes a disgusted face, thinks of all the ritch fuckers she’s known and framed and used and how they close ranks when their reputation or personal interest is touched and just, blurts it out.

‘you fucking people.’

5: What part was hardest to write?

all of it lmao. like WRITING IT.

6: What makes this fic special or different from all your other fics?

The fact that i planned it out and it has like, different installments and a whole journey, which is one of losing oneself, understanding that ones self has been lost, seeing vengence for that loss (aka giving in/facing the anger it causes), seeking freedom, going against ones impulses to build better ones, building relationships, mantaining them, finding ones self through small acts of kindness towards ones self, rebuilding ones personality

basically i wrote a journey about getting out of depression and grief, before i realized that THAT was what i was actually writing about.

7: Where did the title come from?

The title of the series is pretty straightforward: they were shipwrecked and now theyre coming back. 'above the vaulted sky’ is a line from a I am, by John Claire.

I am—yet what I am none cares or knows;My friends forsake me like a memory lost:I am the self-consumer of my woes—They rise and vanish in oblivious host,Like shadows in love’s frenzied stifled throesAnd yet I am, and live—like vapours tossedInto the nothingness of scorn and noise,Into the living sea of waking dreams,Where there is neither sense of life or joys,But the vast shipwreck of my life’s esteems;Even the dearest that I loved the bestAre strange—nay, rather, stranger than the rest.I long for scenes where man hath never trodA place where woman never smiled or weptThere to abide with my Creator, God,And sleep as I in childhood sweetly slept,Untroubling and untroubled where I lieThe grass below—above the vaulted sky.

It’s a rather sad one actually, but i read it as a poem about hope. About the dream of hope, anyway. And this need to be away - from what is known because at this point what is known is horrible and the only happiness the imagination can come up with, is to be as far from it as possible and alone. and that is very much where felicity starts out with. With her hope not being about peace, but an isolation in stillness because that is the only good place she can imagine.

8: Did any real people or events inspire any part of it?

It did. I’ve been depressed and strugling with horrendous issues of self worth and anxiety since i was about 14. And i never knew. It literally took me turning 28 to realize what the fuck was wrong. And its depressing (lol) because its just so much fucking time that i wasted, you know. And i remember - like, when i was deep in my depression - i used to think all the time ‘I must have been a real life person once. Like, an actual person, with a personality, and likes and dislikes and feelings - but i dont remember her. I dont know who that girl even is, i woudlnt regognise her at all.’ It felt like some part of me had died. Like there was literal murder involved. Cause so little of me survived.

but it turns out, i have been this way - just less intensely (and in some cases a lot MORE intensely) since i hit puberty. i didnt die - i just got worse and did not deal with it at all.

9: Were there any alternate versions of this fic?

not really. not yet, anyway.

10: Why did you choose this pairing for this particular story?

im actually not sure that i do want oliver-felicity for this sotry. the dynamic between felicity and tommy is also very veyr interesting. and i dont really know where i will take them. especially in the first and second story, their connection is intense. but this is also part of teh slowburn - oliver and felicity, however it happens, its gonna be slow.

11: What do you like best about this fic?

how personal it is to me, and my experience. and the fact that, if i write it well, i might actually be sayin something.

12: What do you like least about this fic?

THE FACT THAT I HAVENT WRITTEN IT YET T_T

13: What music did you listen to, if any, to get in the mood for writing this story? Or if you didn't listen to anything, what do you think readers should listen to to accompany us while reading?

PHEW I have whole playlists i built as i was ordering this whole series. with songs that fit the mood, the direction of the storytelling and all.

14: Is there anything you wanted readers to learn from reading this fic?

I genuinely want people to see this as a story about healing.

15: What did you learn from writing this fic?

i havent written all of it yet - but i did learn something very interesting about myself. that i have been putting my trauma into narratives to deal with it looong since i knew that was a thing, or i was even aware that i was doing it.

and on that depressing note, i will end this post and start a new one for the other stories lmao

#personal #shipwrecks tag #deathandindignitybedamned

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steph-is-asleep · 4 years

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Steph Talks For Way Too Long About Sollux’s Harry Potter House

I havent been able to stop thinking or talking about this topic for like 60+ hours

first wanna say that it’s really hard to interpret how people are sorted because JK Rowling is apparently shitty at writing. So people seem to have wildly different opinions on why people are in the houses they’re in because they view the houses and their qualifications differently.

I’ve also never read a harry potter book and havent watched a movie for like 5+ years maybe so i had to talk to like 3-4 people who went though huge harry potter phases and we talked for over 3 hours cumulatively for me to make up my mind.

I think it’s really important to say that because Sollux isn’t really a main character, there’s a lot we have to make guesses on. Hussie didn’t make a big sheet full of Sollux’s Dreams and Ambitions, Morals and Beliefs, so we have to fill in a lot of blanks on what we think those are based on a few things. Who he talks to, and associates himself with and what he does

The point being we don’t have a lot to work with.

It’s also pretty important to say that Sollux puts on a LOT of fronts and facades. He’s only truly mean and cruel to people he doesn’t like or care about Plus Karkat. He plays Fake Mean a lot, and if you dig even a centimeter under it, we see time and time again that he’s just pretending and does actually give many shits.

Sollux is also really passive in most things that he does. He doesn’t really question anyone’s authority or make a point to fight something out very often. The only time we ever see him resort to action to solve his problems are when dealing with Eridan. And even then, the first time we ever see them talk, it’s Eridan walking up to him and Feferi privately having a conversation and Sollux telling his gf to “make him go away.” And then after Eridan doesn’t go away, we see him resort to fighting. His PQ arc also has him antagonize Eridan and then drop a building on him, so like, yeah. Usually, when presented with conflict, Sollux either removes himself from the situation quickly, or if he’s unable to do so, makes it extremely clear that he doesn’t want to engage. In most cases, Sollux is by himself, sitting alone and not making attempts to talk to anyone else. It’s totally possible that he’s more social at other times and we only see him when he’s at his worst, but we dont see that so we can’t really speculate much on it. Point being, he’s very passive and self contained/oriented.

What i really want to put emphasis on is the people he associates with. His main friends we see him talk to willingly or at least show fondness for are Aradia, Feferi, Kanaya, Terezi, and Karkat. Three of these are considered main characters, or are at least given character arcs to some extent. These are the good guys. The guys who at least try to do good, and show compassion, and care about others. The characters we see him either avoid quietly, avoid loudly or vocally hate and commit violence against are the rest of the characters. Namely Vriska, Gamzee and Eridan. (im kinda gonna gloss over Vriska because his distaste/hatred/unpleasantness towards her doesn’t have to be a moral statement on his part. It’s pretty easy to assume that anyone with his past to her would have a similar if not identical stand point) These are characters that actively do bad things, they murder and harm others at worst and are gross nasty incels at best. And even the best case in that scenario is still blabberingly racist and, treats sollux and the people he cares about like shit. Sollux doesn’t associate with people that the comic have established are villains, or at least do things that are pretty unambiguously wrong or evil.

In Sollux’s pesterquest, Kanaya tells MSPA reader than when The Thing with Aradia first happened, Sollux refused contact with Kanaya because she didn’t cut off Vriska. He was upset at her for being associated with someone who traumatized him. This is very telling of sollux’s personality and his relationship with his friends, and it’s a side we don’t see of Sollux any other time in the comic or in his PQ arc. It’s only when she tells him that she doesn’t cut Vriska off due to romantic feelings for her does Sollux change his mind. He doesn’t bring up Vriska, Aradia, his grief or his trauma at any point while at his visit with her that we see. He doesn’t appear mad or reluctant to be there, he makes jokes, smiles, and reminisces memories with her fondly, even almost sleeps over at her place for the day. It’s like he’s completely forgotten about being upset at her at all, or is at least choosing not to bring it up out of respect for her.

Again, it’s unclear how much time has passed. But when you start his arc, the reason youre talking to him is because he’s been reclusive out of grief. He hasn’t been talking to people lately and his friends are worried about him. So clearly enough time has passed for him to be okay with seeing Kanaya, as that’s his sole purpose for leaving his hive that day at all, but not enough time for him to be fully recovered.

This moment in his arc showcases his loyalty that he has for Kanaya, and possibly his other friends. He seemed quick to forgive her, or at least bury whatever resentment he may have been harboring. One may say that his cold shoulder to Kanaya would be indicative of a lack of a loyalty trait at all, that if he were loyal to her, he wouldn’t be ready to possible end his relationship with her over this. But i kind of view it as a sort of bluff? Like Kanaya essentially told him that his trauma did not at all change the way she feels about her, Kanaya still has a crush on Vriska after hearing about what she did to one of her good friends. To some, this may have been a slap to the face, an entire dismissal of his trauma in it’s entirety. But instead, he sees it as a valid reason for not cutting her off, he shrugs it off. I feel like if he were serious about not wanting to be friends with Kanaya while she was talking to someone who hurt him greatly, her crush wouldn’t have been an excuse.

I also wanna touch on his loyalty to Aradia very quickly because you dont need me to tell you that he cares about her. Once again for like the third time, we have to make guesses on how much time has passed between events. From the time Aradia dies on Alternia, becomes a ghost with an entirely new personality, a robot with another personality, and then finally her alive Godtier self, Sollux’s feelings for her are very consistent. He seems to not really care for the ghost or robot versions of her, he even sits a chair away from her during Openbound on the meteor, and doesn’t talk to her much, is very cold towards her, and even tells her that she’s incapable of feeling when she tries to tell him goodbye when she explodes (it’s also worth noting he cries after this, which i think is the first and only time we see him do this). When Aradia comes back to the meteor, alive and herself again, Sollux immediately leaves the rest of his friends to go hang out with her. Even with Karkat begging him to stay, he just peaces out, without even really thinking about it. We have to assume that if it’s not written in the dialogue, it isn’t being said. So he doesn’t discuss wanting to leave with Aradia or with anyone else. He just decides he’s leaving, and then does. And he stays by her side for almost the rest of the time we see him. He ditches later for other reasons, but don’t worry, they’re back together by the time Collide is happening.

Point being, for the most part, he sticks by his friends unless they’re doing something he disagrees with morally. If he’s not down for what’s happening, he’s not down for sticking around. He even seems to be better friends with Nepeta now that this version of her isn’t really hanging out with Equius that much, someone Sollux would no doubt not get along with for many reasons.

Some of my friends pointed out that him sticking by his morals so strongly is something a Slytherin would do, coupled with the fact that he’s kind of a dick or something idk that much about Slytherins. But I think Huffliepuff is very much about comradery. We can tell a lot about Sollux based on who he surrounds himself with and what he does and doesn’t participate in. He doesn’t participate in trolling humans, he doesn’t participate in helping Vriska do something he doesn’t feel good about doing, he doesn’t participate in any of the relationship melodrama happening around him. But he helps his friends. He helps Kanaya open the viewfinder to see and talk to Rose, he helps Kanaya do little errands in his PQ route, he helps Terezi find out who Dave is, and he sacrifices himself to save the remainder of his group (which btw only contains the people I’ve previously stated he associates with minus feferi not that that means anything i just thought it was kind of fun to point out). I mean, he got better but its the thought that counts.

Someone could make a point that “If Sollux is so loyal, why didn’t he mourn Feferi even a little bit when he found out she was dead?” And yeah, that’s a good point to bring up, and i don’t really have anything to say about it other than….maybe he knew by this point that death doesn’t really mean anything? Maybe his euphoria of finally being lifting of the voices was happening at the same time? And also that he predicted he’d go blind like a million pages ago and now he can finally stop worrying about it? Is he happy that he’s talking to Terezi and right now that’s more important? It’s hard to tell. Sollux doesn’t really explain himself apart from “missing being her matesprite” when in Erisolsprite form talking to Fefetasprite form. It’s hard to tell what their relationship was at the time, or what his feelings truly were immediately afterward. I kinda think it was the foremost of those explanations, he probably knew that she’d come back as a ghost, or something?

Anyway, those are all the reasons i can think of at the moment for why I think Sollux would be Hufflepuff. A lot of his personality revolves around his friends, who he considers friends and who he doesn’t consider friends. Send me asks, message me, and do that shit if you wanna talk more, but i probably won’t have a whole lot to say lmao. Or ill just restate a lot of what i said here.

Props for getting this far. For the record, if Sollux for some reason was unable to be in Hufflepuff, I’d probably put him 50/50 Ravenclaw or Slytherin. I really don’t think he’s a Gryfindor because as I understand it, that house is very much about being courageous, and standing up for yourself and i went off for way to long about how he’s a little weenie man who does nothing mostly.

#its 3 am #sollux captor #homestuck #headcanons

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spelviin · 5 years

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endgame thoughts, not because i think i have anything valuable to say abt it, more just bc i want to get my initial unsullied opinions out before various overly nitpicky or overly praisy internet thinkpieces come around

okay so. first of all, i’m tired to death of the way folks talk about the mcu. like, it’s either a godly feat of everything and the most important thing ever or the literal devil incarnate and the source of all evil in this world. i am literally so fucking bored of both these perspectives and have zero time for either of them.

yes, the mcu is emblematic of a lot of problems in the current state of the film medium as a whole. yes, it is also a really cool feat of storytelling that a whole bunch of movies spanning a whole bunch of years could all come together and culminate in a big huge blowout finale. yes, it could have been far better, but yes, it also could have been far worse.

i wasn’t a fan of thor being a punchline in this film. like, the whole “lol thor fat” thing was like, really tired and not cool. and the fact that his genuine moments of expressing grief and the significant trauma he’s been through were played off for laughs more often than not bc “lol thor supposed to be big many man but he’s crying like a wimpyboy instread.” like, fucking please. it’s 2019 and other male characters were allowed to be shown crying and processing their trauma but thor’s??? not allowed for some reason??? anyway they did him dirty in this movie and i’m not super pleased abt that.

i didn’t like that they fridged natasha. i’m not a fan of scarjo so much these days, but i did like natasha. 2012 me adored her and was 100000% behind her as the Only Woman (despite being miffed that she was the Only Woman) and i really liked her character and redemption arc through the films that she appeared in. and like, i get the justification for fridging her. like i get that she was this assassin who killed a bunch of folks and in the end, not only wiped out the red in her ledger, but saved the whole damn universe in doing so. i get that. i’m just annoyed that they literally went and fridged the Only Woman to give the boys manpain before the third act.

speaking of the ladies.... the One Scene Where Women Get To Do Things. my god. the critical feminist part of my mind greatly resented the obvious lip service of that scene, and the fact that the ladies only got the one shining moment before we got back to the sausage fest. but lord, the lesbian part of my mind hella enjoyed it. like i was legit bouncing in my seat like YESSSS FUCK EM UP LADIES i was just completely stoked.

and my god. MY GOD CAN WE TALK ABOUT CAROL’S HAIRCUT AKA A GIFT TO THE LESBIANS. THIS MOVIE HAS MANY SINS BUT WE CAN ALL THANK IT FOR THAT HAIRCUT. (and again, feminist me is like, hey, dont focus on her appearance, focus on the important shit she did in singlehandedly turning the battle around for everyone, but lesbian lizard brain is hhhhhhhhhhhhh girl hot)

anyways. 2012 me was a month out of a major jaw surgery when i saw the first avengers, puffy faced, on heavy painkillers, and unable to eat any solid foods, and just generally weak and miserable. i dragged myself to the theatre and i smiled the whole way through that movie bc even though i was feeling super shitty, that 360 shot of the team made me so excited and happy. so happy that i watched and rewatched a bootleg download over what was probably the worst summer of my life, and it made me happy and gave me hope, dumb as that may sound.

i havent watched the first avengers movie in a long time, and i’m not sure if i’d feel the same way seeing it now. remembering how it felt then still makes me happy, but seeing that same 360 shot repeated in endgame didnt stoke much emotion. tumblr fandom took a lot of my avengers joy away. the drama and character hate and constant complaining and cringe culture bullshit exhausted me. and the recent turns of the mcu also contributed to that. a lot of things contributed to it, i guess. but i dont feel as happy as i once did. so a lot of this movie rang a little bit hollow, needless to say.

that being said, though, i did feel a little flicker of that joy. for all the movie’s and the franchise’s faults, of which there are many, i can say that the moment where all those portals opened up and the revived characters stepped though, i felt that happiness again. i legit almost cried when i saw shuri’s silhouette step out of that circle. that moment when the score came in with that booming version of the avengers theme, i was 2012 me again, just for a moment, and i think that’s worth something. to me, that’s worth something. so for all its sins, i thank the movie for that.

this is rly rambly and im tired so im just gonna say 2 more things. things i’m not personally super invested in, but other people are, and so i feel i need to have an opinion on em.

first is bucky. i fucking adore him, and i am kinda miffed that he got like, no interactions with steve. i know steve/peggy is the canon ship, i knew it was always endgame (heh) and that stucky is just a fandom thing. but god damn it, even if they were never gonna have their relationship go there (which tbh i literally never even came close to expecting to happen) it still feels a little bit unfair to have steve basically ignore probably the most important person in his life. like, i know he wanted to live his happy straight life with peggy, and passing on the shield and identity of captain america to sam is super important, and i loved that moment and would never begrudge him that bc i adore sam. i was just... really sad that bucky had to get kinda shafted for that. (literally all i was saying in the last half hour was “but where’s bucky? but what about bucky?” our boy deserved better.

second is tony. tony tony tony. i know folks have a lot of strong feelings about him, both ways. i know of folks who think he’s the scum of the earth for some dumb reason, and i personally know others who think the entire mcu should revolve around him, for equally dumb reasons. i’m more neutral. i think he’s a good character who made questionable decisions in the past. i feel for him and his struggles with PTSD. i respect him as a character in-universe and also for what he and RDJ accomplished. like, if he hadn’t hit it out of the park with that first movie like a fucking decade ago, none of this would have been possible, and i think that’s pretty damn cool, regardless of feelings on the monster juggernaut the mcu has turned into. basically, i know some folks are maliciously rejoicing at his death while complaining that he got a hero’s send-off when he is a Bad And Not Morally Pure Man, which is. boring. and other people (namely one who i know personally in my family) who are mad because he is an Angel and deserved the Best Happy Ending Because No Bad Things Are Allowed To Happen To This Perfect Boy. i’m not here for either opinion. i’m okay that he died (peter crying over him did get to me in a huge way, but i think tom holland just has a power that if he’s crying, i’m crying so idk). i think it’s cool that he got to save everyone and got a heroic and well deserved send off. this isnt a revolutionary opinion i just wanted to throw it out there bc im bored with the polarization.

and... yeah? i think that’s it? sorry, im really tired and this probs doesn’t make sense but i just felt like i had to get the initial reactions and feelings down before the thinkpieces get to me lmao.

oh, also nebula deserved better 2kforever i just love her a lot and want her to be happy and not suffer, kthxbye

#og #a4 spoilers #spoilers #endgame spoilers #avengers spoilers #avengers endgame spoilers #do you think i've tagged this thoroughly enough yet?#this is legit just boring and nonsensical rambling sorry

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octrainisms · 5 years

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52: Do you believe everything happens for a reason? 62: What makes you happy?

Octavio: Well……. Geez, um… What makes me happy is my friends. My hombres and chicas and others. They are my family, man. Can’t live without them…. That and cat videos. Perfect. As for the other question…. Man, I think it does, but it’s hard to say really. It’s a kick in the teeth when it happens, but it puts you right. I reunited with Ajay because of my choice leading to such an outcome.

I will answer with no cut because this wall of text needs to be seen without unneeded diverts. Pardon the pizza fingers and emotional typos.

For those who don’t know, I, the mun, Alex, have gone through hell. I was bullied my whole life - even to this day actually - and was kicked down every chance my parents got, telling me my dreams, hopes, aspirations and life choices were the worst (Um hi yes my mom did things that weren’t technically legal so fight me lady).

I have been coerced, tricked, manipulated and down right forced to believe that the r word I will not say, was okay, because I am born a woman and should like it when men do things to my body. For six years I ate once a day for two reasons. One, my mother told me I wasn’t really hungry until it hurt. And two, because everyone called me ugly and fat, the usual (I was borderline anorexic).

I see myself as male, with the unfortunate mutation to make my body female. And because of everything, I have so many issues mentally, ranging from extreme suicidal tendencies to PTSD to anxiety and depression. But the one thing my brain did, is give me Borderline Personality Disorder. Unlike Disassociative Identity Disorder, I know what is happening when all but one personality comes out, I know what is real, not real and so on (bar my PTSD outbursts). I have survived attempted murder four times (three were in one fucking day boy howdy I hate water now).

I got out of an abusive relationship and into a new one more times than I wish to say and was ready to end it all. I had everything set up to be as clean as possible so minimal work for others coming through and had my plan. My personality, Kiel who was born from my pride, convinced me to write a post detailing the death of my muse at the time.

‘What do you have to lose?’

And so I did, then proceeded to write a novel of a goodbye letter. Before posting, he told me to open a new window. Again, those words rang out from his mouth. I let him open tumblr in a new tab, and see an ask. He pushes for me to click it, those same words a mantra by this point. I didn’t care, I just wanted to die and he was making me suffer.

‘Humour me. If it’s hate, then I will step back and let you do this. If it is anything else, you have to listen to me.’

What did I have to lose?

And so I opened my askbox to see one message from someone I adored but was terrified to message.

OMG SENPAI I HAVENT HEARD FROM YOU IN AGES HOW ARE YOU ARE YOU OKAY?!

It’s like she knew something was wrong.

Why do you care?

It was cold and cruel, a blunt sort of ‘fuck off’ that I could do when you have the Son of fucking Loki from your books nagging you to at least ask SOMETHING.

And here she is, the fucking angel that ran me over that I never saw coming;

Because you’re amazing and I love your writing and I really want to write with you and be your friend but I’m scared to do that because I don’t want to be a bother and I just have a feeling that something’s not okay. Please talk to me, I know I’m a random but if anything is wrong talk to me please.

I was floored, but the trickster burst into action, egging me on to talk to her. An hour later, I was smiling through tears.

Long story short, what he convinced me to do was buy a chocolate mud cake, eat it in one sitting, then vomit for six hours and hate his guts.

Oh, and that angel? She is my wife now, knows all 183 personalities in my head and loves me, as she said ‘dick or no dick’.

Long story short;

Yes. It all happens for a reason. Not because some higher power says so or anything silly like that. But without those moments of true agony I never would have found my family in my mind. I never would have gone to that web series, made that blog, found that angel and found peace in life again.

Do I have days where I wish I didn’t humour the trickster? Hell yeah.

But I reach out to people, something I was terrified of the first time I did it. I’ll ramble, or write a sad drabble. It’s nothing to be ashamed of at all.

It took me my whole life and one hell of a stubborn Canadian Angel for me to see that I am worth being alive, that I’m awesome and amazing and beautiful and perfect in my own way despite preaching it over and over for years for other people!

If I can be that rock for you, that pillar of hope, I damn well will be. It all happens for a reason, but you have to fight through it, humour that trickster itch of pride in you to see what is around the corner.

Doesn’t matter if a teacher tells you to kill yourself and that it’ll be a grace on humanity, doesn’t matter if that fucking douchebag of a kid calls you ugly, fat, weird, or a freak. Fucking stand up and be proud of it. If they tell you that you’re weird, say ‘yeah, duh dude, it’s kinda my thing’. If they call you fat say ‘at least I’m warm in the winter’. If they tell you you’re a freak, just smile creepily and say ‘we all float down here’.

Look in the mirror and be proud of what you see. Because you have made it this far, made it to this point, despite all the setbacks and chains around your body.

YOU ARE WORTH IT!

And don’t you dare give up, don’t you dare stay silent, be loud, be proud. You are unique and perfect in your own damn way, so when they knock you down, get back up. If they tell you to die, live in spite of their words.

One of my biggest bullies in school now works at a mcdonalds, twenty six and still with his mom, starting a family in her home rather than his own, and I know owning your own house is hard, but he called me fat, and now he is three times my own weight. I work in a shop where my co-workers are my family, where I feel safe and loved, where every day I am asked if I’m okay and everything.

I know it’s hard, I know it’s painful even, but it is worth it. Everything that hits you is worth pushing through. I lost six people to suicide throughout my life, and it takes its toll. I asked to nothing ‘can’t you see I miss you?’, but never really thought it about myself, and that’s the kicker. Words destroy people. I’d take broken bones any day. But also, I look to my past, I cry, sure, but I fucking smile.

Without all of that, I wouldn’t be thick skinned for my job, or able to help people from experience. I wouldn’t be proud of who I am if I never went through the moments of hating my very existence.

It all happens for a reason, and if you are still reading this, then take away six simple words from this;

Never give up; never give in

You are worth it, always worth it. Just remember that you’re still alive, and that you are perfect as you are. And that if you ever need a place to turn to, come here, where I, and the 183 others will remind you why living is only half as amazing with you in it.

#the mun #Anonymous #he rants #the long thing here #I love you all #be proud #TW: Rape mention vaugly

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musingsofanewbienurse · 5 years

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Transitioning to Veganism

In January 2019 I decided to take part in veganuary with the intention of being fully vegan afterward (bar what was already in my cupboard and needed eating up). It wasn’t a sudden decision, in fact, it had been a gradual choice that I had been considering for months at this point. I had been vegetarian since July 2017 and had been gradually decreasing my intake of animal products so that by the end of 2018 my diet was 80-90% plant based already. I had been avoiding dairy for the most part anyway as it causes my skin to break out badly and cheese was an expensive luxury on a furgal university budget. The only thing that really let me down in that aspect was when I ate out or by not checking labels.

Like most people I had watched the world-famous Netflix document ‘What the Health’ in the spring of 2017 and that was probably one of the first major catalyst that lead to me analysing and changing my diet. I had grown up on a small, rural island off the mainland of England, one of its main agricultures being farming. Every-day I would see cows and sheep grazing in fields both outside my bedroom window and on the way to school, I saw these animals had a good quality of life (in a way that they do not always in larger areas of Britain and the US), and like many people, never really questioned the connection between that and my dinner plate.

I was also notoriously fussy, and although I liked most varieties of meat, the same could not be said of vegetables. In fact I hated every single one until I was 16 and then I could just about stomach carrots. A healthy diet I did not have, despite how much my parents tried to push otherwise. Going vegetarian was simply not a viable option for me back then; but on joining university I started to cook for myself and my taste matured, leading me to today, where I now love 99% of veg (broccoli is legitimately my favourite food) and it makes up the bulk of my diet.

It meant, that when I watched the documentary I was able to genuinely consider becoming vegetarian, and started to slowly phase meat out of my diet. Even then, I knew that ultimately I did want to become vegan, after seeing the impact the meat and dairy industry has on our health*, the environment and on the animals who are subjected to it. But I wanted to do it the right way and for the long-term. If I cut out everything at once I knew after a week or two I would revert back to my usual diet, my body craving things that had always been present. I also wanted to be educated about things I substituted meat for; I go to the gym regularly and I wanted to know that what I was eating would have a good variety of nutrients. And most importantly, I didn’t want my mental health to suffer.

Like most young women growing up in this century I have had issues with food and my body. Although I have never received any formal help or diagnosis I definitely had an unhealthy relationship with food, especially in my mid-teens, though even now some days are harder than others. For the most part I am a lot better, but I was wary that if I suddenly cut out a lot of different foods and placed a lot of restrictive rules on my diet that I would be taking a huge step backwards, that I would go back to obsessing over every little thing that I eat. I didn’t want to sacrifice my health and knew that if I was to do this safely, then gradually converting my diet was the only answer.

And that is what I did. First it was dairy milk, an easy swap as there are so many alternatives on the market. I mainly go for soya at home because it’s the cheapest and I really don’t need anything fancy in my bowl of porridge, but oat is by far my favourite and go-to when I’ve gone out for a coffee.

Eggs was one of the biggest changes. In my second year of uni I had eggs for breakfast nearly everyday that I wasn’t on placement, and I genuinely didn’t see myself as able to give them up. But in third year I found a love of porridge and overnight oats, or tofu scramble if I fancied something closer to what I usually had eaten. And eventually I was only having eggs when eating out, there is nothing nicer than an eggs benedict (and if anyone can link me to a good vegan recipe for it, I will love them forever).

Like I previously mentioned, cheese wasn’t a large part of my diet, because as a university student it just wasn’t worth budgeting for. I’ve never had a problem with any of the vegan alternatives I’ve tried, though this may be because I ate cheese so rarely that I couldn’t really directly compare the two.

Chocolate, the crux for many people, was a big one. “But how do you live without chocolate?” I’m normally asked by my horrified coworkers, and the answer is that I don’t. In fact, I probably have it in some form everyday, it just took a bit of getting used to looking for the vegan friendly alternatives in tescos. But there are plenty, and even some of the major brands are accidently vegan (looking at you bourbons).

Eventually it just left occasions where I was eating out (laziness would sometimes lead to me choosing the vegetarian option, and other times it was simply because that was what I wanted to eat), and items where I had not checked the label for hidden ingredients. Milk powder is in bloody everything, and if it’s not that, it’s normally eggs. Quorn in particular is well-known for this, though their vegan range is steadily growing.

By December 2018 I felt ready to take on Veganuary. I no longer felt like my diet, or lifestyle would be negatively impacted by it and I saw it as a great chance to draw a line under the sand. When speaking to my dad on the phone two weeks in he asked if I was struggling yet. And honestly? I hadn’t even noticed, as there had been so few occasions where I would have chosen the non-vegan option anyway. To me it just made sense that after January I continued to eat plant based, and now, at the end of February I haven’t regretted it once. I am a giant advocator of eating a vegan diet. I feel so much healthier than when I ate meat, am more active than ever and can’t remember the last time I fell ill. I do understand it’s not possible for everyone, people who have had or have eating disorders may definitely struggle, and placing a load of rules on what they can and can’t eat wouldn’t be beneficial to their mental health in the slightest (just as it wouldn’t have been for me once upon a time).

I also understand that if you’re not educated about nutrition and the aspects of a healthy diet, then becoming vegetarian/vegan doesn’t automatically mean you’ll be any healthier, especially with the wide range of plant based foods and meals now out in supermarkets (I’m not berating any of these releases in the slightest, it’s amazing to see so many options and makes it a lot more accessible than it once was, it just means navigating for a healthy option isn’t always the easiest thing). Being vegan is still a privilege, I only have to support myself on my wage and it leaves plenty of room to opt for the more expensive meat alternatives and keep my diet balanced. A single parent with two kids however doesn’t have this option, and places like Lidl and Aldi are brilliant for selling a large quantity of meat for a relatively low price.

But reducing your meat and animal product intake is good for the planet, and I do think that every little thing, whether that be partaking in Meatless Monday or swapping dairy milk for soya helps. No-one has to be perfect or commit to the most severe of changes, especially if they feel it is what they should do because Instagram told them to, but making a substitution here and there helps massively.

*I am not saying that meat and dairy cannot make up a healthy diet, though like anything in large quantities it isn’t beneficial. There is also plenty of evidence against cows milk and how we digest it. In early 2019 the Eat-Lancet commission (linked below) was published, outlining global targets for the world population to achieve a healthy, nutritionally balanced diet whilst keeping food production sustainable. The diet consists mainly of fruit, vegetables, grains and legumes, with a small amount of meat and fish. It is fairly similar to the Mediterranean diet, and emphasises that you don’t need to cut all animal products out, but reducing them would be highly beneficial on a number of levels!

Walter, W., Rockstrom, J., Loken, B. et al (2019) Food in the Anthropocene: the EAT-Lancet Commission on Healthy Diets from Sustainable Food Products. The Lancet. [online] Available at: https://www.thelancet.com/journals/lancet/article/PIIS0140-6736(18)31788-4/fulltext#seccestitle10

#nursing blog #nurse #newbie nurse #veganism #vegan #nutrition #nutrition blog #lancet

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aaeds · 6 years

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One big nightmare induced Rant.

Sometimes I wonder if certain individuals feel any resentment or guilt for what they do, and wonder how easily they compartmentalize it all. I would genuinely love to know how to move on so easily like nothing happened.

In talking while at work with my mom, I complained someone commented on my falling down stairs. She said it would be ‘ironic’ if they would one day ask me on a date.

My immediate response was “not unless they’re already married or in a serious relationship.” I dont even think its a funny joke anymore.

In the past four to five years I have been accused wrongly of being in three seperate affairs. Contrary to the accusers I argue the opposite, not out of shame but because the accusations were so wild and hurtful and most of all born of petty unwarranted jealous and insecurity.

Prior to this, I had only been accused of being in an affair by one other woman and that was in college. Her boyfriend gave me a ride home because the blizzard stopped my bus. Her fit at making sure I didnt have to stay on campus all night lead to our study group disbanding. Of course I felt responsible, but I hadnt done anything. In the grand scope of things, accepting a ride home within that context is not an affair

The most recent accusation and accuser not only called me a fuck up for being their friend, but also test drove me 2-3 years ago physically before deciding to walk back their feelings, anhilate my self worth and date someone else in the same breath. All while suggesting they thought I would be happy about it.

It might have been a mistake to keep that friendship but they promised to try to make it right and be the best friend they could. In light of being told by a mutual I deserved it, I needed friends.

I still feel like used garbage when I think of myself in a sexually intimate situation, but now it went and acts of friendship were called into question years later.

Making sure an individual is in a good mental state. Talking about hobbies. Supporting your friend’s hobbies. Being excited about things. This would be fine if the person was a straight female, right?

For the record rp is rp, art is art. Speak up sooner or later if its an issue. The longer you let it percolate the worse you make it for everyone involved. I dont use rp as an escape fantasy and neither should anyone else.

This experience has been a nightmare.

To the point where: At work I stopped talking to my male colleagues. I’m embarrassed that Its implied my existence in a video game caused three people to vacate a server to get that far away. I’m furious that I feel I have no right to have feelings on any of this as though I was wrong. The passive aggressive behaviour surrounding mutual acquaintances. Saying they will take the fault but do nothing but look out for number one.

Communication is so important, being talked to in a way that invaldiates four years of friendship and vanishing is bizarre. And all it tells me is that we havent evolved as a culture to be adults and step up to those involved and talk.

But thanks for saying I’m fucked up and your “Best advice I can give is if someone doesn't introduce you to their partner, or you as their partner...question why. Because on both sides of that, you deserve to be (hurt.)”

Its great advice I tell myself every day. Its also telling of character that the last thing you say to someone is to hurt them as much as possible and lie about being sorry.

But it still wasnt an affair. Cheating with your housemate is an affair. Being a largely absent and busy friend who played a video game once a week with someone silently is not.

Also spinning your history of cheating into a way to make you appear recovered, a victim of circumstance and apologetic all at once was manipulative and weird af.

You really dont understand how privileged you are.

The fact you cant apologize genuinely and still havent is sad. Its even worse you cant do right by anyone in letting us know who spread lies to make my community feel less safe.

But if they’re that gossipy I could always just publish rp and chat logs honestly if they want more silly shit to make nothing of.

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horner88breen-blog · 5 years

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Can One Truly Leave the Sex Industry

Inside my 5-6 years in the escorting world, I just need seen one woman completely get out of the sex industry. Others, a small minority, may leave apparently industry but typically revert back to selling themselves after a few weeks/months/years. I will never forgot the words, Shell be back, said along with a Madame (brothel/escort business owner) at an establishment I worked at overseas. Consider the 63 after a popular young woman decided it was her last day in the industry, and she wanted to do pursue her new normal job and boyfriend. Shell be backhow discouraging, yet later I realized how real the statement actually was. Paulina Leaving the information mill NEVER without war. Paulina is the only former-escort I understand who has left the industry entirely. She has managed so far successfully, but it wasnt easy at in the beginning. I came to know her intimately only after she left the industry and when she almost fell back to it. However, when she was still in the industry and we were working together we hardly mingled. Having been the odd girl who stayed away from the casual sex, drugs, and party scene, so generally she, like many working girls, found little commonality with my lifestyle. Paulina was a stupendous South America girl who immigrated towards the West at a young age. I witnessed her loss-of-innocence in her escorting days, which happens when she involved herself with heavy partying and living with another escort (a match for disaster). She ended up getting involved through expensive drug (cocaine) habit, which looks the drug of choice for elite escorts/clients. Thankfully, her experimenting phase was short-lived, and ended in one year. One thing that Paulina and I have done have in common was our conflicting values of traditional and modern. She was raised on the inside West, yet she still held on to her traditional South American values (her cultural values conflicted with the individualistic, care-free values she was living as the prostitute). Selling sex is often not problematic, but rather the lifestyle frequently related to high-class prostitutes is damaging (excessive partying, excess shallowness). She'd quit the industry, and completely got away from drug treatments and partying. She called me from your nowhere one day, and wanted to. At first I couldnt discover why she would suddenly want to meet me, but later she told me that I was the only person she hoped to trust from this industry. In her view, I was someone who probably would not tempt her back up in her bad habits, yet I could relate to her because I was an escort overly. I was flattered, and determined to help her stay off from prostitution, even though I wasnt in order to leave myself. She had deep emotional scars from being a prostitute, and think it is hard confide in anyone. She had met a lovely man, but he previously had no idea about her past and she or he wanted to maintain it to remain that way. Whenever she got depressed or felt the urge to return to selling herself, she called me for comfort. I havent seen her in over one year, since she lives overseas where That i used to live. Currently, she's still out of the business, and a wedding soon to the love of her lifetime. She is my hopebecause if she could continue to be away from the industry, then a genuine effort . hope. Unfortunately, it is extremely easy to fall back into prostitution The pattern Ive observed has become common: women leave the industry to pursue love, and they return when that love failed. Another woman I am aware did quit the industry, however she recently admitted that she is returning to escorting. Why? Because she broke up with the person she wanted. Months ago I remember her saying If I wasnt with my boyfriend, then I would personally still be selling myself. This is classic of women trying to depart the industry, and perhaps the most depressing part of computer. Over the years, I met countless women whove returned to prostitution after a failed relationship. Well known girls say they wasted their youth in their failed relationships when they might have been essentially exploiting their youthfulness by selling themselves. During the night these women return to sex work, their hearts are dented. Yes, I have seen many broken hearted women returning to selling their bodies, yet sadly it looks like theyve also lost their souls. When falling in love with a potential partner, an escort to be able to ask herself: Is he worth this method? Is love, itself, enough to quit her autonomy and employment? The men she rejects are individuals cannot leave her with financial freedom, even though they may be willing to adore and treat her decent. Other escorts choose the latter, which is to avoid relationships altogether and focus on man or women. How often do escorts leave the industry when a man is NOT in photographs? I have yet to stumbled upon a prostitute who leaves the industry sector for her very own intuition. Stick to ask myself this question: Do I would like to leave because I want love? Perhaps, as most of us desire love and global recognition. Sadly, acceptance is only granted when people conform to whats frequent. And of course, being a sex worker is out-of-the-norm in modern societies, thus furthering us beyond your societies embrace. But again, it doesnt have staying this form. There are people who fight these oppressive norms that marginalize sex workers its not a very bad thing to differ. But being outside the norms of society requires lots of strength. There is absolutely no social space allocated for prostitutes. As a result, we face tremendous pressure to adhere to the normative ways of living life (such as marriage, owning a home, etc). Although Used to quit for a short period when I realized i was engaged, I never mentally prepared myself that I've been finished is not industry. I still haven't. Its a question that Ive been avoiding to answer: when will I quit? Does an individual even to help quit? Would I remaining? I used to want to quit, and I told myself that I would personally quit selling my body after I'm finished my graduate data. Regardless, I dont feel that Im ready to make now. Enjoy aspects of my job, but I just do not wish the implications (the stigma, the degradation of the industry, the legalities, etc). Fear of leaving sex-work is unique. Escorts in Manchester of emotions. Im aware that the stigma is damaging me, but when times are great I tend to ignore the damage Im executing. At times, sex work doesnt appear like a problem for some escorts, and for others, it is deeply damaging psychologically. But overall, one cannot deny the problem of hunting live in the world where ones identity is constantly hidden and condemned. Social Darwinism, the idea that started this complete survival of the fittest competition among society is a false notion, the idea may be very real in modern society. Im aware that competition is simply a socially constructed concept, yet sadly I feel deeply pressured to engage in this race in society. I fear that if I dont sell myself, I will lose out in this particular competition. This is exactly what needs to change, I have to let go of the pressures of mainstream the population. Why do I want to participate this shallow competition primarily? This is increase in a cold society (Western-Liberal societies) that puts increased progress, individualism, competition, status, and monetary wealth. This is what drove me to the Social Sciences as an area of study: society deeply impacts how people think and react. I assign other reasons why I entered into prostitution on social stress. Once youre in the sex industry, it is very hard to depart. A woman I know is wanting her much better to pursue the usual job but admits she gets the pressure to get back escorting. Its too easy (escorting), and also the money is quick. Her mind, like most escorts, becomes tainted whilst haunting fact: a few hours or an evening of escorting can pay all the bills that would take 1-2 weeks of hard act on a normal job. Did any of folks imagine growing accustomed to our lifestyles? Did we ever imagine that wed donrrrt slave to our own addiction for fast-money? Of course not. A wonderful friend of mine is a former receptionist in intercourse party industry. She told me how she was inclined to become an escort, however she changed her mind once she saw the reality: escorts may make lots of money, but at the high cost of our emotions. Provides you with ask myself time and time againWas it this?

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