#for now im just going to take in the fact that im getting a year older tomorrow and not believing it ;)

[ef-1]

girlhood

#i have to fly out to capetown to see mother and im literally debating if i could land in the morning and leave at night on the same day #like. anything longer than that is going to ruin my year. #when she called and did her “katherine. you have to be here on the 10th” i literally sobbed in my bed for the rest of the day 😍😍😍 #not dyeing my hair black for a year and its getting lighter and lighter everyday and i look like her again #and my therapist telling me “you need to do things for yourself.” but like can i? sorry that woman traumatised me and i actually cant :) #like everything i do is informed by her #I'm going to go and just like everytime the only way to keep my sanity is to mirror her. talk and sit and speak and read and eat like her #and its such a terrifying experience bc i remember that im capable of emulating her viciousness and maybe i am my mother's daugher 🤢🤢🤢 #and im going to come back and its going to take fucking months for me to feel like myself again #“oh you look so beautiful just like your mother” i hope you DIE lol !!! the fact that my conception of beauty was shaped by her #growing up with this cruel beautiful detached woman and realising that at the intersection of beauty and wickness is a lifetime of pain #and still being so desperate for her approval- for any metaphysical proximity to her that i felt elated when #people would tell me i look like her. that it meant i was also beautiful like her and maybe she'll love me a little for it #but now i know for a fact that i do look like her and it makes saliva swell under my tongue - that moment right before you throw up- #when people mention it 😍 #last time i was in capetown my optic neuritis flared up (and i know for a fact it was that it was ms-stress related from having to see her) #and i thought i hid it so well even though i had near constant headaches & lethargy until she said “katherine give me the red notebook” #and i knew that she knew all along. it was so acutely humiliating standing there and knowing she knows i cant see which one is the red one #and she tilted her head and said “whats the matter? do you not know what red looks like?” #im never going to have kids. my mother and i read eachother so well it can only mean im never too far removed from becoming her #lol!!!!!!!!!

[imabiscuitinthousandworlds]

I LOVE going everywhere by bike. Don't need to wait for a bus. Don't need to cram myself into a bus with (urgh) people. Or even worse, what feels like every single student in town. I still get home in about the same amount of time. I'm so so flexible including with places. Like yeah sure, let's go there! I don't care if the next bus station is far away. Doesn't matter to me.

Stayed out late with friends recently. Two of em had to get their family to come pick them up because that's too far to walk and it was too late for buses. A different friend lives like 30 minutes away but always walks and their way goes through a small park where literally no one is at with few lanterns so it's pitch black and I could literally just walk them home and then take the bike which is faster and has its own light and feels and probably is safer than walking those dark ass streets at night alone.

Like. I can just do all that. And yeah, sometimes when I'm not doing too well I feel like collapsing afterwards and yeah, maybe my fingers feel like falling off a lot at this time of year but that's like. SO worth it. I have no idea how people can live and NOT go everywhere by bike. Like if it's more than 20-30 minutes maybe but even with hills.... I fucking love my bike.

#a biscuit's rambles #also i just love going out with friends til late?? #with the lockdown and shit that is such an entirely new experience and its great #also i like feeling useful i think. i like walking a friend home knowing ill definitely get home safe #idk #i also like my bike. a lot #been taking it literally every single day for years now and i have no regrets #EXCEPT FOR THOSE FUCKING PEDESTRIANS THAT HEAR MY BELL AND DO NOT FUCKING MOVE #AND THE OTHER BIKES THAT JUST DONT RING THEIR BELLS OR NOT EVEN HAVE ANY #LIKE THEN YOU GOTTA AT LEAST YELL AT PEOPLE TO MOVE OVER YOU NUMBNUT #A BIKE IS QUIET THEY DO NOT HEAR YOU THEY WILL NOT MOVE OVER MAGICALLY #AND IM STUCK BEHIND YOU #ALSO ITS JUST ASSHOLE BEHAVIOUR LIKE SOMEITMES WARNING SOMEONE SO THEY KEEP TO THE BLOODY SIDE IS GOOD!!! #and dont even get me STARTED ON SOME OF THE CARS #MUCH LESS THE STUPID ASS FUCKING INFRASTRUCTURE OF MY TOWN #ITS LIKE THEY WANT BIKES TO BE RUN OVER #fun fact i have been run over before #just fuckin collided with a car #nobody would listen to me try to pick apart the details of how it felt #which was probably my way of trying to cope with that experience lol #though nothing serious happened. bUT STILL #also oh god that one stupid fucking street with those stupid ass cars NOBODY NEEDS A CAR THERE JUST BAND HTEM ALREADY #AND THE. THE FUCKIGN ROADWORKS #I CAN NOT REACH MY SCHOOL WITHOUT ALMOST BEING EITHER HIT IN THE HEAD WITH A HUGE SHOVEL OR RUN OVER BY A TRUCK #AND IF THATS NOT THE CASE THEN THERES SO MANY FCKING PEOPLE THAT EVEN IF I YELL AT THEM LIKE MAD I CANT GET PAST WITHOUT RUNNING SOMEONE #THROUGH MYSELF #im very passionate about all things bike. but thinking abt it is a huge part of my life so im allowed to be

[arthur-kingsmen]

i know when recovering you’re supposed to take solace in the fact that you’re a better person and you are no longer who you used to be. this does not stop me from wanting to time travel back several years and kick younger me’s teeth in and tell them to get their shit together

#im going to be okay. im taking comfort in the fact that i know itll never be that bad again #but someone mentioned how awful i used to be and man. the fuckin guilt and shame never eases #thats good tho i think. the guilt helps me to never be like that again #in five years i wanna look back and think that rn i was trying my hardest. so i AM trying my hardest #some days tho. some days that guilt genuinely just consumes you. #this referencing my alcoholic era. worst time of my life. i hate who i was. i hate how i hurt good people around me #but all i can do is try to be better. i havent been drunk in over a year or two now? #and its always going to be a struggle. but i am very proud of my sobriety and how i dug myself out of that #but some days all you can do is mourn i think. it feels awful. but its a good reminder to never let myself get to that point again. #personal #alcoholism tw

[kj-munch]

new pfp new mee babyyy trying to remind myself that this is MY account i can do what i want with it . disconnecting myself from the madcom theme, ill still be drawing it ofc but like i mentioned on another post a weekish back i want to allow myself to post non madcom art too. hoping to start drawing more frequently again soon

#scraps #this sona doodle is teeny but cute #also ive had this signature design in mind for a while now just never a real excuse to use it #but here we go now YIPPEE #also unpinned my intro post bc i genuinely dont feel like the person who wrote that anymore #these last couple years have changed me and im still in a pretty rough patch rn but as of writing this rn i at least feel more like a real #person again hence why im trying to take the reins on this acc back after just kind of decaying for a while #no new pinned yet just because im not really sure what to put in it? #besides like. name age pronouns. which ill just put in my bio at that point #while im already rambling ill mention i still have those reqs i asked for a few days ago in mind im just slow getting to them #umm what else. fun fact for anyone still reading its 4:30 am here rn as im writing #gonna queue thissssss now

[mwagneto]

getting my driving licence tomorrow.. 😐

#for the record when i say i got it so I'd have it later i mean my licence. i did not want nor get a car -> #i feel really bad for my car coz brother i am never ever gonna drive you sorry. devil's machine #literally living in a city with one of the best public transports in the entire world and my parents expect me to drive... #i got it so I'd have it but like broooo im not gonna drive anywhere i fucking hate driving😭😭😭 #also fun fact getting a licence in hungary is literally harder than getting into heaven as a rich person like holy fucking shit #I've been going through the process for well over two years now. my god #you need 4 different exams and many many many hours of studying and practice #which is good in that i know most ppl who drive trained really hard to do it #but bad because boy they don't act like it<3 also bp traffic is fucking nuts. JUST TAKE THE BUS #or the metro. or the trolley bus. or the tram. or the hév. or the train. or the fucking . boat #no the boats stopped running during covid and they still haven't started again which makes me so sad. bring them back... #barking

[orcelito]

Me painting my nails all black at almost 5 am when I have to be up by 10 to work at 11

Thinking to myself, "Ah. I really am not doing okay."

#speculation nation #negative/ #i guess. #i keep wavering on whether im coping fine or not #im trying. trying to not linger too much. trying to just live my life and continue pursuing my interests #tricking myself that everything is okay. smiling and laughing and enjoying the little things #and then it's nearly 5 am and im remembering the time my uncle came into my bubble tea shop while i was working #a surprise visit. and i got to take his order & recommend him things. a nice little thing. #im remembering trips with him. him driving and me being a little wallflower. but my family expects this so it's okay #im remembering my birthday. this year. where i was free from school and so looking forward to the summer #and then like a week later i got the news that my uncle had cancer. and a week after that my cat died. #and i got through it. i worked on getting better. i was starting to get better. & then i got the call from my dad #that my uncle was in the hospital again. and a week and a half later he was dead. #and here i am now. nearly 3 weeks later. and what do i have to show for it? #with cassy i cried 14 times in one night. it felt like a stab in the chest. a horrible wound. one i still flinch from remembering. #with my uncle... i had time to prepare myself. i began grieving well before he died. so it wasnt such a horrible shock to my system #instead... it feels like ive been slowly bleeding out. a gaping wound that isnt closing no matter how much i desperately try to. #bc the fact of the matter is that this is family. my uncle. who ive known my entire life. & who i was pretty close to #at least compared to my aunts on my mom's side. ive always been closer to my family on my dad's side. #it's not going to go away so soon. i know this. and it doesnt help that ive been away from my family for so much of this. #the memorial is in a week. im hoping it will help to heal the wound. at least a little bit. #i hate living life feeling like i have a hole in my chest. i hate losing people i love. #animal death ment/ #death/ #regardless. my nails are black. and it's time to go to sleep.

[theskywaslookingback]

My dad: *texts my mom the day after Father’s Day to see if I was mad at him because I didn’t call him*

Also my dad: *sends me a text on Easter and then radio silence for months* *does not call to ask if I have plans for my birthday* *does not text to check in on me* *does not invite me over to his house for anything ever* *allows my stepmom to use his money to prioritize her kids over me* *literally doesn’t ever act like he wants anything to do with me actually* *cancels or changes plans at the last minute because he decides he wants to drink instead* *offers to help my mom pay my car payments and then never does* *gets us gym memberships and then cancels them without warning because he didn’t have the money and just doesn’t tell me* *cannot hold a thirty second conversation without mentioning ‘the Chinese threat’ or ‘Covid was invented by democrats to replace Trump in office’*

My dad: Why doesn’t my child call me? I am the specialist most important person in the whole wide world. What could she have to be mad about?

#angy #sweepy but angy #he told my mom the other day that he wished I’d gotten a real job instead of playing around like I am currently #like with zero awareness that I tried desperately for six months to find a job and literally no one would hire me #and now I can just kind of do my own thing BECAUSE my mom takes care of me and helps me financially #and that we have an understanding that I will absolutely look for a job if she ever asks me to #like we have talked about this multiple times #my silly little business is allowed because my mom makes enough money to take care of us both and invest in the business #if she were to say ‘i need you to find a job to pay for your car payment’ I’d start looking again that very second #we’re both adults like #im literally turning 30 in a few days #and he’s still running his mouth like im 16 and stupid #ignoring the fact that I’ve been sick a majority of my adult life and that it’s gotten significantly worse the last couple of years #to the point that something as common as my period will have me writing on the floor in pain for days and sick to my stomach for weeks #this man has a wife that has NEVER worked a day in her LIFE and he wants to tell ME to get a job?? #anyway she told me about it when she got home and i had to stop myself from reflexively going to set his house on fire #that man better send me fucking money for my birthday it’s all he’s good for

[todayisafridaynight]

something that REALLY bothers me about the 3jima situation in 8.... how did no one know that that happened ? sure, ichi doesn't use the internet a whole lot, and kiryu wasn't keeping contact with them cause of daidoji bullshit, but... did ichi just Not keep contact with them at all? when they were literally doing what he was trying to do at hello work ?? giving ex-yakuza a shot at having a real job like ????

not to mention that a scandal like they went through definitely would have made it into the news like... hey the government is working with the yakuza. isn't that just a huge deal ????? that I'm sure SOMEONE must have seen

that whole thing just feels so so stupid iw sucks so much I'm so disappointed

IW's handling of daigo's security company is actually so half-assed- we don't even get watase's perspective on it despite him being a part of that project too he just fucks off entirely without even a mention

#iw spoilers #spoilers #snap chats #rgg's writing hasn't always been pristine but the thing is it's gotten better with recent titles #so seeing things be handled so messily its like ????? i need to see what happened in that writing room #ESPECIALLY when they were hyping it up so hard. LIKE GAMEPLAY WISE the game wholly delivered #im generally pretty happy with what the gameplay's given but the story ?????? goku ....... goku help ..... #the more i think of it the more agitated i get for what could have been #again daigo's company falling apart didnt have to be agitating #irksome for the fact daigo spent two years planning things leading up to the dissolution but whatever things happen #but the fact he just. Accepted It despite how we've seen him in the past bat for the tojo #i wouldve got it if he stopped caring about the tojo's men but THE COMPANY ALONE shows how much he cared for their futures #and again the fact they dont show any flashbacks thatd actually better demonstrate How Bad it was getting #also??? genuinely HOW surprising is it for the public that the security company theyre going to is run by ex yakuza #WHEN EVEYRONE SAW DAIGO ON THE NEWS. DISSOLVING THE YAKUZA #LIKE EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN WHAT IT WAS LMAO THERE SHOULD HAVE BEEN NO SURPRISES HERE #its just dumb. literally just dumb. #chitose/tatara's skin in the game is so questionable too like sure shes being blackmailed but ??? how BAD is this blackmail #we dont even know what the blackmail is and yet she's so ardent on taking down the yakuza becausssseeeee...... #ive had a headache all day so ill cease my rambling for now just know now and forever im irked

[piningprecussionist]

Kim you a Kamen Rider fan

Uh, no? Don't think so.

Name sounds vaguely familiar... one of the other clowns around here might be acquainted with it.

I didn't really watch too much TV as a young kid? I liked to mess around with my kit or go fuck around in the forests, for the most part. I started watching stuff more in highschool and college.

Some stuff I enjoy, or enjoyed, off the top of my head- Batman: The Animated Series, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Buffy the Vampire Slayer... There are definitely more things that I watched, but I'm not sure what all I really stand by enjoying... sometimes, you just watch something because it's so weird it fascinates you, ya know?

#ooc: name sounded familiar so i went to look it up. kinda get the impression that it's probably not something she watched- partially due to+ #+ runtime/reception i think. unless i misread something #ooc: LOOKING UP SHOWS THOUGH I MIGHT BE GOING A LITTLE UNHINGED... SOOO MANY THINGS I WANT TO GIVE HER... #ooc: I DONT CARE IF ANY OF THESE MAKE SENSE ACTUALLY IM GIVING HER MY MEDIA TASTES THEY KINDA ALIGN. FUCKING. BITE ME. #((ooc: the last comment is about Dinosaurs. if you are unfamiliar. look it up and then stare at the costumes for a minute syckdhdkhfjfh)) #(ooc: fun pine facts! my family has that series as a DVD set and has for Many Years now- so that IS a show i watched as a kid actually) #(ooc: i did also watch buffy- though i only watched B:TAS more recently) #(ooc: someone has a hc in the discord that scott went to college to be a cartoonist- so her watching it is partly just i see no reason she #+cant be into animation and partly maybe Scott could've watched it? ik he's more of a marvel guy but the animation is good- he could have + #+ watched it just for that! and kim would have indulged him and actually come to quite like the characters maybe) #(ooc: also i love are you afraid of the dark... i havent seen very much of it but i own one of the dvd sets and i was OBSESSED as a kid. + #+ loved it more than goosebumps but i could never find any more CDs :( so if anyone knows where i can watch it online--) #(ooc: also! i havent watched it so idk if Kim would- but Sabrina the Teenage Witch. thoughts?) #ooc: also she watches Futurama because I fucking said so. i take no criticism. #ooc: it we want more things i could see her watching maybe ask abt specific ones! i could give her thoughts on them maybe #ooc: use them as an excuse to rewatch some stuff maybe xycifkchfbf #pine.txt #asks #rp #kim pine #sp comic #spvtwtg #spto #spvtw #janstaratthedisco #not in standard continuity #?

[britneyshakespeare]

You know what's a realization I've made just now at this moment. I've been thinking for the last couple of days about how lately my poetry feels like it has no significance to me anymore, and I don't know why or how. It certainly felt more significant to me when I was youngest, when my poetic offerings were least often worthy of much praise, when I was excited and felt catharsis. Before I was even twenty, poetry became more of a craft/hobby than a diary (to give myself credit, it was a craft/hobby when I was fourteen/fifteen too, but I built that craft/hobby out of my teenage sentiments and obsessions rather than a more concerted effort of skill or construction). And it's been many years since I wrote poetry that was about people; I can't tell you the last time I wrote a poem that was purely about my feelings for another person. More often I write poems about conflicts or problems or things I'm figuring out. Very often my poetry is just inspired by whatever book I'm reading. But I'm not interested in my poetry lately whatsoever; I write it coincidentally. I have no interest in elaborating through that medium anymore at this point in my life. I'm not sure why I continue. And my realization is that I actually have felt this before. My poetry feels like a dormant interest because very few things inspire or excite me right now. My poetry feels insignificant when I'm in a phase where my life feels insignificant.

#this past year of not taking classes and being ill and lonely has had some effect on me hasn't it!! #tales from diana #in some sense the fact that i still run my poetry blog (im writing this as im updating it now) is like #i dont know. it's some sort of hidden blessing for myself and myself only #it's something i consistently update despite all lack of interest and that gives me the motivation to write #is the motivation to post. on my silly little blog that frankly i dont even care about! let alone do i expect others to #no i do care about it. just not care like i get impassioned about it #it's of little import in my life but it's a consistent thing in the background and i'm thankful for it #i am not at the point in my life where i care so much about sharing my poetry #not so much in a self-promoting way but it hasn't been like that for a long time #i've never cared much if my writing got much attention. in fact i've often felt worried when it does #i'm comfortable just showing my mutuals and forgetting about it and moving onto the next thing #it is what it is. i'm sure the next big change that comes into my life will inspire some more interesting poems #but right now it's just going through the motions. and that's ok i've been there before

[pepprs]

june 27th give it up for june 27th

#purrs #delete later #sure would be an INFINITELY more special and auspicious day if there wasn’t going to be • thunderstorms all day • a budget meeting • two #back to back orientations where i am going to have to take on 2X THE FACILITATION ROLESSSSS 🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪🤪 bc we’re doing that now. LMFAOOOOOO #<- and by that i mean splitting up the facilitation so instead of 4 ppl shari ng responsibility for talking AND doing logistics there’s 2 #ppl talking and 2 ppl doing logistics. and mutuals need i remind you that facilitating this specific session requires being extremely high #energy and mobile and getting ppl ‘hyped’ and there are 383729473 reasons why that is difficult for me to do in front of 100+ new students #plus three cofacilirators i am scared of / intimidated by for various reasons. im going to be sick soooo genuinely. i HATE this 😂😂😂🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 #anyways yeah. today is my one year anniversary and also my first day as an fte so. 🫠 and one year ago today was pretty awful too like my #first day was actually extremely extremely bad and i cried like multiple times every day that week bc it kept getting worse so. love how #things have changed so substantially since then and the things that triggered me on that day aren’t an issue anymore <3 (they are very much #still an issue it’s just the specific people involved have changed bc half the ppl working here including one of my dearest closest #mentors who was deeply involved in that situation have left the university and now it is utterly unrecognizable and every day i wake up in #an alternate universe i know deep down i am not supposed to be in and yet im trapped in it irreversibly and this IS my universe now. lolll 🥰 #)) also ik it’s stupid to still be grieving over this but like. the entire way it all went down + the fact that it even did in the first #place and the STAGGGERING consequences of it. are kind of insane. every new development makes me feel more and more like im living in a fake #reality and nothing that is happening is supposed to be happening and im dreaming it all but it’s a bad dream. and idk how to accept #that this is NOT. a dream and that what happened happened and now i have to live with it and stop curling in on myself like a prey animal an #and isolating myself from everyone i love and taking every single conceivable situation badly. like tfw da therapy isn’t working 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 #anyways i need to go get ready and practice the fucking 16 page facilitation guide 🙄 see u on the other side lol

[stuck-in-the-ghost-zone]

i havent made any posts abt it but now that the big part is basically over ive gotta tell you im absolutely fucking fascinated with this whole submarine situation

#i have a lot of thoughts about it but i dont think tumblr is the right place for those right now. im thinking about it a fucking lot though #ah the hubris of man in the face of nature etc etc etc #maybe lets not take tourists into one of the most dangerous unpredictable environments on the fucking planet #especially in experimental non certified equipment #thats all ill say for now #can we pleaseeeee please fucking respect the ocean. can we please stop going to the titanic. #weve gotten what we need from it lets just. let those ppl rest #im having. thoughts. man idk. its insane to me this is literally like. a fucking horror movie #anyway i hope the markiplier iron lung movie doesnt get cancelled bc of this. i rlly wanna see that #also like. obviously the tragedy in the Mediterranean deserves more news and more care than 5 idiot billionaires but . #i am just a 20 something year old on the internet im not responsible for the media cycle #and im also a known avid horror enthusiast especially when it involves the ocean so. #im having a lot of thoughts about bullshit safety measures and the money spent on this fucking mess #and the fact that theyve been searching for days for ppl who were already dead two hours inot the trip. idk. #sorry i just needed an outlet for this bc my dad is insufferable to talk news with

[bhalspawn]

if im honest i like king alistair w a warden queen! theyre happy ur honor!!!

#ACTUALLY im taking over the wardens story now. looking for a cure to the calling? whatre u talking abt #theyre supposed to have 30 years or so!!!!! granted alistair has only been a warden for 6 months or so when he says that but #and maybe joining during a blight also speeds up the taint but actually it doesnt ive decided. theyre FINE #anyway. alistair is fine bc of the therein bloodline ig? like how fiona is cured somehow bc of it #and.... dare i say.......... #They Have A Child Sir. everything's a okay #ugh but the thing w morrigan. can u imagine wanting a child but knowing its unlikely to happen while one of u has one w a woman they cant #stand and the other still feels incredibly hurt #bc of the fact the morrigan knows the whole time #and i get it!!! morrigan is young and her mother is Flemeth and this is what she's been told to do and she becomes friends w the warden #knowing this so like. i see how torn she must be #she calls her a SISTER while knowing this and i can see it must tear at her but how can you just tell them that #oh it hurts. oh its bitter #i mean the betrayal of howe and then loghain has to make morrigans seem much harsher than it really is #and i dont think of it as really a betrayal from an objective pov but in the situation its already a lot what w the landsmeet and the news #that a warden has to die #i mean its all got to hit hard. there's no way ANYONES comin out of this in a healthy headspace #alistair thinks of his son he will never meet and rhia thinks of a stepson she never wants to meet and UGH. #i think they shouldve handled the whole thing differently. like morrigan should speak to both wardens instead of one #when u speak to just the hof and they have to go to romanced alistair it seems. unfair #ANYWAY!!!! IM NORMAL ABOUT IT #wytxt

[quotidian-oblivion]

Dilemma:

Let Them Be Brothers series spoilers

Yk how in the most recent fic, the boy in the cell, tim has his memories fucked with and reverse-lazarus liquid poured on him to reopen his belt scars?

Yeah well, guess who forgot that that shit has after-effects and has completely written and polished the next fic in the series.

You'll never guess.

Ever.

I fucked up.

#quotidian writes #or not writes #quotidian is a silly forgetful dumbass #because she wanted to finish the series already #BECAUSE THE FACT THAT ITS TAKING MORE THAN A YEAR TO FINISH IT IS EATING AWAY AT HER BRAIN #AND MAKING HER GO FERAL ENOUGH TO WANT TO EAT CARPET #BECAUSE SHE HATES IT WHEN THINGS GO OFF SCHEDULE #SO SHE'S JUST SITTING NOT DOING WORK AND GOING “MGMHMHGMHMGMHMGMHGMHM” #QUOTIDIAN VOID IS NOT DOING OKAY #its the stress guys #and i also have to put on a coat which i have to wear for 9 days #only one person as of now will get that reference #hi person #quotidian is broken #she craves isolation and chocolate milk #two things which are very easy to get #BUT SO FUCKING HARD AT THE SAME TIME #bghefrodanetgr #im good guys i'm just gonna go and burn myself out bye! #take careeeeeee! #the carpet eating series

[jvzebel-x]

🦋

#LMAO I FUCKING CANT. #so missionaries came to my doorstep-- which is literally just hilarious. even more hilarious? one of them was from hawaii. #they ask about my religion&i tell them bc i dont see any point not to&the yt man speaking to me tells me #he was a surfer back in the day so--&this is a literal quote-- 'i went to hawaii&heard it all as a haole on the beach' #remember this is literally entirely unprompted from a missionary who knocked on my door in response to my answering a question #about my religion. so why did this come up? probably the same reason that he then went to on to ask me what would happen if HE wanted #to join my religion&when i answer 'you would probably have to handle that yourself as religion is entirely personal' #he literally stands there w no answer before going 'well our church accepts EVERYONE no matter what theyve done' #&--again this is a direct quote-- 'we have ppl who have done blood sacrifices to their ancestors who have found the REAL god' LMAO. #he then started talking about how the neighboring apartment complex has a primarily east european community? #like with actual statistics bc appartently he just knows that the next apartment complex over is 80% yt immigrants? #not entirely sure how they had anything at all to do w anything so thats around when i stopped laughing openly at him #&told him my neighbors were coming up the stairs&i found taking up the entire staircase to be incredibly rude #so they needed to get the fuck out lmao&the missionary from hawaii-- who had said almost nothing the whole time lmao-- #wouldnt look me in the eye while telling me thank you for my time probably bc he now had to continue doing missionary work #w a man who spent a solid five minutes trying to prove im racist&exclusionay as a default #literally ONLY bc im hawaiian v traditional about it&proud as FUCK about all those facts #whiiiiich only made him look&sound. fucking TERRIBE lmao. #anyway its good to know that several hundreds of years later&a move away from my colonized home where yt missionaries destroyed my culture #i STILL cant fucking get away from yt missionaries&their ABHORRENT behaviour lmao. #i need to start checking who the fuck is at my door before opening it. #or at the v least start letting roxy just fucking tear ppl like this to shreds like she wants bc their vibes are so rank #my dog can't stand at my side w/o her ridge going so far up she doesnt NEED to growl to get the point across lmao.

[myownprivatcidaho]

thoseve yall who were here a year ago might remember that a year ago He was liking tweets like "idk how people can cheat when im in love im obsessed😍" and "the honeymoon stage rlly doesnt die if youre with the right person🥰" and he was liking stuff like that up till recently now shit like this is in his likes something is BROKEN in him

#i feel bad. i dont even mean it in a conceited way but i cant help but feel like a bit of this is my fault #hes so bright eyed and ambitious that the idea of him losing any of that idealism is nothing short of a goddamned tragedy im sorry #yes this is the guy who lead me on (unintentionally???) and flirted with me for a year despite seeing TWO people during that time #the latter of which became his girlfriend (who i told Everything to ...) #and like. he never apologized he never explained what was going on or why he acted like a fucking simp for a year #but basically we're not talking now and we're on bad terms and angry at each other #(me because. well yall were there for that . hes angry because i ratted his flirty ass out ) #god that all stings so bad i havent talked about the details of what happened to anyone...... #but yeah i just. even still after all this time i hope he stays bright eyed. the idea that he wouldnt is heartbreaking in and of itself. #that one crush situation lol #idk if theyre still together. it was early novembet i reached out to his gf and laid the whole thing out for her #& she said theyd 'take it from here' (??????) and was uncomfortable with me and him communicating with the knowledge that THAT ALL happened #even while they were together. i told her i could respect that (even though i wanted to ask her who the FUCK she thought she was. anyways) #and then i reached out to him one last time to clarify i wasnt dredging it up for retaliation or to break them up but bc she genuinely #deserved to know. then he sorta said fuck my feelings and then reiterated what his gf said that we shouldnt be talking anymore #its been radio silence since then from bothve them. if they did break up id feel bad (cause how COULDNT i?) but if they didnt. #that means the only factor that changed here was. well. his 'relationship'/chances of a relationship/flirtationship/friendship with me. #i dunno. im not gonna act like i have all the facts and im not gonna act like he hasnt screwed me over #but getting back to my main point. imagine knowing him and watching him lose his idealism. try not being heartbroken over that.