#for my life to start like. ive done that enough

[mauvecherie-writes]

endless melodies: l.hamilton

part: [i] [ii] [iii] iv

pairing: lewis hamilton x fem!oc;jamilah riley

genre: smau romance x full chapters

summary: an impromptu studio session leads to tensions rising

tags: 18+, mentions of past cheating, corny flirting, making out.

w.c: 2.4K

reading list: @queenshikongo3 @dhlfastestlap @saintslewis @serpenttines-library @hopefulromantic1 @cocobutterqwueen @bluesole16 @chaneajoyyy @melodichaeuxx-lacritquexx @sapphireheaven @olyvoyl @lewisroscoelove @lh44adore @hellomadamebutterfly @scorpiobleue @qveenmelanink @tremendousstarlighttragedy @angelinaevans @bekindbecoolbeyou @greedyjudge2 @itsapurrfectstorm @createdbylivingclocks @samiwzx @omgsuperstarg @peyiswriting @miyuhpapayuh @blowmymbackout @purplelewlew

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jamilah.riley

liked by renee_downer, victoriamonet and others

jamilah.riley Quit vapes - start Smoking on my Ex Pack instead. #OUTNOW

view 20,405 comments

userriley Oh you came in HOT guuurrrll !! This is tew good!

rileygirlie I’d be scared if I was that guy right now. My sister is not playing around!

user17 PUUURRRR !!!! This is the Jamilah we needed! You handled that shit!

jwellerfan You’re such a loser.

⤷rileyryder44 I’d rather be a LOSER than be a CHEATER liked by jamilah.riley

raye They could never make me hate you!

⤷jamilah.riley raye my sister for life

lewishamilton 🔥🔥🔥 liked by jamilah.riley

stormzy Cmonnnn!! Fire in the booth!

⤷user379 stormzy isn’t Jackson Weller your friend?

⤷user82 user379 Being friends with someone doesn’t stop you from approaching good music!

amalriley been on repeat all day!

⤷jamilah.riley amalriley so real

thatgirljodie you didn’t whack him enough for me idk

⤷jamilah.riley thatgirljodie I’ll try my best next time!

It was early afternoon and Jamilah was having a rare day off and she was loving the initial reactions to her surprise drop. Smokin on my Ex Pack was written and recorded the day Jackson posted on Instagram the picture of him and his new girlfriend.

She knew, she’d always known that he was cheating on her. Her intuition had never done her wrong and when he started to change, she knew something was up. He wouldn’t touch her anymore, he wouldn’t kiss anymore, he wouldn’t communicate anymore, he barely wanted to spend time with her and the times that he was around her, Jackson always had his face in his phone.

The last straw for Jamilah was when Jackson started wearing a friendship bracelet with ‘ I love you from V’ on it. She asked him where it was from and he told her that a fan had given it to him as a gift. At the time, she didn’t question it - she also has a box full of friendship bracelets from fans but that all changed when she was visiting him on set and Vanessa had the identical bracelet.

She broke up with him the same day.

Jackson tried to fight against it but Jamilah stood her ground. It fucking hurt and it sucked to go through that and is still trying to heal with the loss of that relationship. However she was far happier now that it was over, she was moving on and her music was better than ever.

Then Jamilah thought back to the previous week to her chance encounter with Lewis. And it brought a smile to her face. He was far more devastatingly handsome in person and it rattled her quite a bit. She knew that she had a crush but the way she reacts to Lewis was a little out of bounds for her.

She wasn’t going to try and understand her feelings with him now. All she knew was that she liked him and he makes her feel good. The rest can be analysed later.

As she settled down on her couch, her phone began to ring. As if fate was reading her thoughts, it was Lewis calling. They had finally switched numbers at the end of the party last week and the conversations continued. They were a little less now because he was preparing for the beginning of the new Formula One season.

A bright smile was on her face as she answered his call.

“Princess.” He glanced at the camera with a smile before he leaned back into the seat of the car. Jamilah giggled as she rested her head on her hand as she looked into the camera as he was fixing his cap.

“Hi, Lewis.” She smiled.

“How are you? How’s your day been?”

“It’s been pretty eventful.”

“I bet. That surprise drop really shook some tables huh.”

“Something like that.”

“It had me thinking.”

“Tell me.”

“Let me start by asking, are you free today?”

“Yeeesss why?” She dragged out her answer.

“Good. I’m booking us a recording session. I’ll pay for everything but your song really inspired me to just get back into the studio and work on some music.”

“Music that’s not going to be released?” Jamilah raised her eyebrow as she watched Lewis laugh and roll his eyes.

“Let’s not focus on that right now. We talked about us working on some things together and I want to start now.”

“You’re very persistent. Has anyone ever told you that.”

“I’ve been told.” He smirked as he licked his lips. “But don’t act like you don’t want this too.”

Jamilah rolled her eyes. “Whatever, just tell me which studios we’re going and I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“None of that Princess, I’ll come and pick you up. We can get something to eat and drink on the way there.”

“Oouu, I’m feeling spoiled. Free session and food? You know how to really charm a lady don’t you.”

“Just you.” He winked at the screen. “Send me your address, I’ll be there to pick you up in no time.”

“Fine.” She chewed on her lip as she tried to stop herself from smiling. She shared her address with him before they said their goodbyes.

Jamilah jumped up from the couch and ran to her bedroom to freshen up. She had about 30 minutes to spare before Lewis arrived at her doorstep. Jamilah jumped to her feet and rushed to her bedroom to freshen up. She changed from her current loungewear and into. matching black tracksuit and spritzed some of her perfume. She brushed her eyebrows and applied her lip balm before popping a piece of chewing gum into her mouth before preparing her bag.

Laptop, songbook, headphones, chargers and anything else that she needed. The rest that couldn’t come to mind, Jamilah was sure that Lewis would have.

By the time she was completely ready, a knock came to her door. She had nervous flatters in her stomach as she anticipated seeing Lewis again.

Jamilah opened the door and there he was. Standing at the same level, she could see his eyes and the smile on his face when she opened the door even wider, even though most of his face fact was hidden by his signature cap.

“Hey, you.” He softly said. There was just something about the tone of his voice that had her smiling.

“Hi.” Jamilah replied as she stepped out of her townhouse. Once the door was locked, she turned her back around and gave him a hug. All of her belongings were in the way but they managed to figure it out. Lewis chuckled as he wrapped his arms around her waist as hers went around his neck.

She couldn’t help but sniff him - it was almost a reflex at this point. Jamilah couldn’t help herself, he always smelt so good and she was quickly becoming addicted to it.

“Did you just sniff me?” Lewis asked with a tone of laughter in his enquiry.

Jamilah blushed in embarrassment as she pulled away from his embrace. “You smell good.” She sheepishly admitted as she fixed her hoodie back into place.

Lewis chuckled as he took her bags away from her and carried them.

“Now I gotta keep smelling good.”

“For lil old’ me?”

“If it keeps you sniffing me? I’ll make sure that my sweat smells like the freshest river and lakes.”

“Oh my god!” Jamilah groaned as she rolled her eyes and pushed him towards the gates out of her townhouse.

Lewis walked in front of her, leading her to the parked car. He seemed to scout the area before he stepped to the side and let Jamilah enter into the truck first. It was a move that she was used to. Kensington was a hotspot for paparazzi but with the time of day that it was, it was pretty chill but Jamilah still wasn’t sure.

On the way to the studio, they stopped by Tesco for some snacks but it was Lewis’s bodyguard that walked into the store with their list.

“Which studio did you book?” Jamilah asked.

“Abbey Road.” Lewis replied as she scrolled through his phone. His nonchalance shocked her back into the seat.

“Did you just say Abbey Road?!” She exclaimed.

“Yes.” Lewis laughed, “why?”

“We’re only going to be there for a few hours at least.”

“I go there all of the time when I’m in touch and I don’t want people at my place.”

“Oh you’re rich, rich.” Jamilah giggled which caused him to smirk. “Might just keep you around as I work on this album.”

“What am I to you? A bank?!”

“You might as well be. I’m seeing that you have a pension for spending money on your people.”

“You classify yourself as my people now?”

“I’m bulldozing into your life as you are mine, so yes.” She smiled at him.

“You’re not wrong.” Lewis replied hitting her with that smouldering gaze of his as he licked his lips. Now Jamilah’s feelings were going array. She loved the way that he made her feel - not even Jackson had ever made her feel like this.

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jamilah.riley posted 10 minutes ago

When they arrived at the studio, they quickly set up their working stations and thankfully they got to working. Their energies were in sync so their ideas naturally bounced off each other and in the process, they started working on a song together. Lewis worked on synthesising the beat whilst Jamilah worked on the lyrics.

“Hey, come listen to this. I build it up from a beat I worked on. I fixed it to have to have a style similar to yours.” Lewis called her over and she got up from the couch and walked closer to him. He got up from the seat to let her sit down. Lewis stood next to her as she put the headphones and pressed play.

He watched as her head swayed side to side with her eyes closed. Her face scrunched up when the beat dropped which caused him to smile.

“Oh this is good! I love it!” Jamilah grinned as she turned to face him.

“Yeah?” Lewis smiled as he watched her take the beat in.

“Yeah! We can absolutely work with this. I already have some lyrics in mind for this.” Jamilah got back to her bag and took out her lyrics book. She flipped through the pages until she arrived at a page that had unfinished lyrics. Lewis had come closer to her and she could feel his warmth around her. She tried to not let his presence affect her but when his breathing was what she could feel on her neck as he looked over her shoulder into her book.

“My waterfall, I’ll make it overflow. Make you forget about all them hoes.” Lewis read out loud her written words and then chuckled. “Do those lyrics hold the truth?”

Jamilah gasped at his question as she rushed to her close her book and turned to face him.

“You can’t ask me that.”

“I’ll find out soon enough.” He smirked. Jamilah pushed him away as she tried not to blush.

“You’re a trip.” She rolled her eyes as she tried not to pay too much attention on the fact that he was holding onto her hand and pulling her towards him.

“You like it though.” He replied as he dropped their hands from his chest to their side.

“I don’t know why I do. Any other person would have been cussed out.”

“I’m not like other people.” Lewis boasted about himself. His statement causes a small smile to draw on her face.

“No you’re not.” She whispered. Jamilah then felt his thumb caressing the hand he was still holding. The feel of his touch sent shivers down the length of the spine and caused her breath to softly shudder.

Then his finger hooked onto her chin and turn her head back towards his. And the way that he was looking down at her was leaving her flustered, squirming as she stood.

“You look like you want to kiss me.” She whispered as she licked her lips.

“I do want to kiss you.” He answered. As she looked up at him, she felt his fingers dig into her jawline and the slight sting had Jamilah biting into her bottom lip.

“Then kiss me.”

Lewis didn’t waste any time before he leaned down and claimed her mouth. Jamilah let out a soft whimper as their lips moved in a slow, sensual rhythm. His hand moved from her chin and down her body until they settled on the small part of her back and pulled her closer.

When his other hand came to her waist, he changed the pace of the kiss. It lost the tenderness from the beginning as the kiss became more passionate and more smouldering as his hands began to explore as much of her body as he could.

Lewis bent forward slightly as he cupped her ass in his hands and then picked her up so that her legs wrapped around his waist. He walked towards the couch and sat down with her in his lap. Their lips didn’t part as she settled her thighs on either side of him.

Jamilah cupped her cheeks as the kiss deepened, sucking his bottom lip into her mouth. Lewis groaned into their kiss as his hands squeezed on her hips and stilling the slight movement of them on his lap. She giggled yet again when she felt his hardness slightly pushing against her inner thigh.

“Is that what I think it is?” She mumbled as she played with his short beard.

“I don’t want to think about right now.” Lewis mumbled. “Let’s focus on the fact your lips are so soft and I could kiss you until my last breath.”

“Do you ever stop being corny?”

“When it’s you involved, never.” Jamilah hated the way her cheeks warmed up to his words. He leaned forward and bumped his nose against hers.

“You know long I’ve been wanting to kiss you for?”

“Since the party?”

“No. I was scrolling on your Instagram and you had posted this picture of you looking cute as hell and I just kept staring at your lips. I’ve wanted to know what they felt like since.”

“Oh you’ve been plotting for time huh.” Jamilah smirked as she licked her lips, bringing the taste of him back into her mouth.

“This was just phase one.” He mumbled as he pulled her closer, wanting to feel more her heat on him.

“What’s phase two?” She grinned as she wrapped she arms around his neck.

“Stick with me and you’ll find out.” Lewis said as he leaned in for another kiss.

| TWITTER

ru’s letters 💌: I had most of this sitting in my drafts but I got so busy and sidetracked. I’m trying to get back to it. Starting with the posting of this. Please comment, reblog and like. Love you all 🩷

#mauvecherie writes #endless melodies series #lewis hamilton x jamilah riley #lewis hamilton smau #lewis hamilton x black oc #sir lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton x black reader #lewis hamilton x reader #lewis hamilton fanfiction #lewis hamilton fic #lh #lewis hamilton smut

[insert-neologism]

bad astrology by flower face

#yellowjackets #jackieshauna #ITS DONE OMG ITS FINISHED #what do I do now. with my life (ranking) #also ive decided i am gonna do literary analysis. on all of em #literally i have NO idea if anyone cares. well. i do bc I care and tbh that's enough to me #<- guys look im living so healthy #anyways this was a blast #hope somebody has at least discovered flower face trhu me bc its one of my fav artists #mitos incredible life #mine art tag #also im sorry the like long scenes 3 and 4 arent on beat :/ i love that song but it has so long instrumental stuff and idk what to do there #ALSO!! i had it all planned out like at least half in my docs (like always) #and then in the middle i was like 'omg what if I only show jackie-after-the-argument and shauna-after-jackies-dead' #(excluding the argument and the flashbacks (they used to hear us thru the floor)) #which was. restricting. very much #also meaning was changed (originally wanted jackie to have the line 'idc if ure not made for me' but the only scene i could think of was th #ure hungry for and that was the next scene already so.) #anyways this was originally gonna be lottienat before i started with The Shark In Your Water #bc I thiught it fit them SO well. (still do) but now I like have to get away from the jackieshauna thought and then ill do the lottienat #probably #omg also I want everyone (who has read this far. whoever would do that) to know i was running on like 25 screen #recordings and 3 jackieshauna scene packs form yt #that's why. I dknt have that many clips alright im not using like 10 scenes over n over on purpose #gotta go but im gonna make a wrap post thingy once im back slay #no actually I get like average 7 notes (<- that's a lie Idk bc I didnt count) but im proud of myself this is amazing #ive wanted to do smth similiar alr #but it was some album by alec benjamin and a different thing for every song (like a poem‚ a painting or a play) #but I lost motivation this is the first thing that i actually pulled though all the way I think #jackieshauna: The Shark In Your Water

[oatbugs]

. anyway after writing the tags 4 this post i told my research partner i will no longer follow his dreams lmao. still helping w it but i need to engage in research that i find satisfying

#i think ive been waiting for something for a while and i will spend the next year waiting for it too #i thought i felt panic but i have decided to read it as anticipation. the thrill of rejection or of moving forward or the latter as #a result of the former. i left you with your backpack unattended in the cafe because on fridays i am done #putting my life on hold for another whim-without-a-warning #this cross country service is delayed by 26 minutes so i will grab a bucket and start shovelling the water away from the tracks #everyone is moving on in some different way and im sorry if you think im mean for telling you getting so drunk will disable you from #recording your brainwaves effectively but it seems like you think i owe you an awful lot. one year ago in four days my friend got me hegel's #science of logic for my birthday and i thanked him for proving to me the existence of things this is what i do he said #and then he will spend the rest of his life breathing philosophy and i dont want to spend the rest of my life #breathing someone elses dreams i wait for the moment of realisation. this is now a 30 minute delay. i was supposed to worship beautiful #things and that is what i will do. i think i have a best friend and i know i have a lover and i know to #restrict my love the way you have. im sorry. i hope you understand when i tell you. i am now sitting on the floor in the luggage section of #this incredibly busy train and i saw a photo of her with her boyfriend and her hair in braids smiling like a fool this is the #except a week ago you told me you almost took too much this time to live. you are a beautiful girl with a beautiful soul and you know you #have already changed the world and it somehow was not enough. now you are smiling without any makeup on next to him #and yesterday you cried in an airport in the states when you were too full of love. this is the most extraordinary human being i have met. #tomorrow he heads off to princeton while his best friend heads to harvard. he goes there to make the world a better place. he is the most #extraordinary person i have ever met. the issue with human beings is that we are incredibly good at almost dying and keeping going. #you try to kill yourself and publish a paper and give a talk. you negotiate the seperation between your own parents and submit another #phd application. i am surrounded by extraordinary people with extraordinary minds and incredibly broken happy hearts. #i only see you smile when you talk about robotics. i still dont know how manifolds work and i love the concept anyway. i dont know. #i do know that i refuse to live unsatisfied. #you can keep drinking. im going to drink this reality up #i think i was a horrible person and i refuse to engage with that mentality again no matter what it takes.

[hella1975]

bagged a trial shift at a new pub just for my manager to immediately put on facebook if anyone wants an extra shift on wednesday. he knows what im doing

#he said GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE RN #lmfaoooo the notif came through literally as i put the phone down i was like 😳😳😳 #like that 'CONNOR' tiktok audio like no king im not doing anythinggg haha wdym #anyway im a bit annoyed that the first place to get back to me from my applications was this one #bc im pretty sure their pay is still minimum wage and also my cousin worked a trial shift there once #and not only did they not pay him but they also never called him back or even emailed to politely turn him down #literally just used him for free labour and that was that #word of warning from a very tired waitress if ur thinking about starting: always take trial shifts with a pinch of salt #if the trial shift is longer than 2 hours they really really should be paying you and if they dont the odds are you got mugged off #also the woman on the phone after i said i worked at the place i currently work at was like 'and do you still work there?' SHE KNOWS #and when i said yes she was like 'would you be willing to leave?' HOW CAN I BE TWO-TIMING BOTH OF YOU RN #LYING TO ONE JOB ABOUT SEEKING ANOTHER JOB LYING TO THE NEW JOB ABOUT LEAVING THE OLD ONE COME ON NOW #IM NOT BUILT FOR THESE LAYERS #but yeah summary here is i have a shift at my actual place on wednesday (thank god i havent had work in over a fucking WEEK) #and i have a trial shift at a new place where i'll most likely be offered a job. life is picking up #ALSO i have enough money to change my america flights bc basically something came up with that and i need to change my return flight #and i was originally rlly worried bc the change cost was £161 and that piled onto my current no-shifts stress was Not Fun #but ive been working a lot for my mum and i got paid for the shifts i HAVE done and it all kinda fell together anyway #the way everything is sorting itself today within the same HOUR yet ive been stressing about these things for days now #hella goes home #hella slaves to capitalism

[tianhai03]

hey everyone. im not here to post art right now, i just have something on my mind that i kinda wanna ramble about, which i’ll put under a read more below bc its really long lol. i know this is kinda sudden but i promise its nothing serious. stick around if you’re somehow interested in listening to my ramblings, if not then thank you for reading this anyway, and thanks for all your continuous support :)

i cant remember the reason why anymore, but a couple minutes ago i felt like going through all the blogs ive followed on here. i only follow like 276 blogs if i remember correctly, it’s not much considering how i’ve been here since 2015. i probably felt like looking through it because i was reminded of an artist i follow here and i wanted to see if they’ve updated anything, i have no clue lol.

anyways i looked through the list, and i found a lot of artists ive followed since my early days in 2015, when i first started posting art. some i still remember fondly, some i have vague memories of, and others... i just dont recognize anymore. the only thing im sure of is that they were all artists i looked up to very much, artists who have also definitely motivated me to keep drawing just so i can be as good as them someday. im confident enough to say that ive gotten close to a lot of their levels already, and i am now very comfortable with drawing in a style that is uniquely my own. i have all these artists to thank for that.

but... another thing ive also realized is, most of them arent posting anymore. some have already stopped before i myself stopped tumblr briefly in around 2019, but a lot of them stopped at that exact same year. it makes me kinda sad, i remember looking forward to these artists’ drawings often, but a lot of them just kinda dipped out of existence 3 years ago, without other social medias that i can check to make sure theyre still around. it made me think about how hellish every year has been starting from 2019, it mightve only been 3 years but it sure felt like its been a decade. all i can do right now is hope that they’re still okay, somewhere in the world, still safe and still doing whatever they love.

and on the same note, i hope every single person who is still following me, who still constantly come up to this crumbling website, maybe even look forward to me posting my art; i hope you guys are doing well too. i know there are a lot of people who were from my old 2018 dmc days (since i came back to the fandom just half a year ago and a lot of people started checking up on me again), some of you guys were probably even from my earliest 2016 undertale days; whether you followed me 6 years ago or just today, i want to thank you guys, from the bottom of my heart, for always giving me kind support on the things i do. i am not joking when i said i wont be here right now if it werent for you guys. thank you so, so much.

#guess i just felt like getting sappy today. #im sorry if this makes anyone anxious; i promise i am totally okay and nothing bad is happening to me #it's just... sometimes you look back on your life to remember the things you've done that led to the life you have today #ive been doing that a lot lately. and i just wanted to talk about what ive thought about #i actually feel a lot better thinking about things like this. it reminds me of the reason why i started drawing in the first place #with how things have been lately especially with my own uni life; it gets so frustrating its very easy to forget why i liked drawing so much #but im not gonna forget about it now; even if i stop drawing someday i'll forever hold on to these memories #i probably sound like a broken record now but; genuinely; thanks for everything i really do appreciate it #allyrambles #long post #if youve read till here #through this long ass post ive been writing for over 30 minutes now #do me a favour and talk to a long time friend you have that you havent talked to in a while #yknow the ones. you were super close but then you just slowly stopped talking to each other? even though nothing bad happened? #do me a favour and just shoot them a message. a short one will do #even a little 'hey we havent talked in a while; just wanted to check up on you and make sure youre still okay' is enough #times are tough right now. it has been for the past 2 years for everyone #if you can do it; im sure it will brighten someone's day up; to know that theres someone out there who still cares #someone will appreciate the kindness #im gonna go now. this post has gotten way longer than i expected and its almost time for bed #i hope everyone has a decent day :) thanks again for reading #hopefully i dont regret this someday lol

[mildmayfoxe]

i know i'm always busy because i'm doing it to myself but i'm tired of always having a million things to do and always feeling behind and being jealous of people who don't have a huge list of work to do on the weekends. and also friends to hang out with in their free time

#ive been so so slow at accomplishing anything all weekend and i feel so TIRED even though i feel like i've gotten nothing done!!! #there are so many people who do so much more work than me AND have full time jobs and idk how they do it. #it makes me feel like i'm not trying hard enough!! but i always feel so busy and like i have a billion things to do! #idk man. i'm gonna do some stretches and then try to get some more work done i guess #chatpost #on the other hand i tend to work slow all day and then stay up super late reading to relax and then only sleep 6-7 hr #so like. no wonder i'm tired #i don't know how to balance taking breaks and figuring out how to work more efficiently to make my life easier #which would inherently MEAN more breaks. if i could work more efficiently. wonder if i should start timing myself working or something #but that sounds miserable. i dunno

[literaturebf]

i'm afraid the procrastination might not work out in my favor this time

#about to have a mental breakdown over this french project #i swing wildly between “yeah this is fine i have enough time to do it all” vs #“ill never get it done on time and my life will be over” #for context its a huge french project that is supposed to have creative visual and text elements and im #doing journals of two characters in the book to compare and contrast and the journals are supposed to have #like cutouts and scrapbooklike things along with entries #it is due thursday afternoon we r presenting to the class and ive only just started today. Um! #julian.txt #and my printer isnt working. Fuck everything in my lief

[mental-skillness]

"This is gonna be my last pack for sure. I'm gonna taper myself off," i say, three days before i get someone to buy me a second pack

#i worked a graveyard shift and on the way home i drove around for 2 hours #and at a gas station i saw a homeless guy ive talked to a few times and paid him to get me a pack #idk i feel bad about it #like he agreed and he got something out of it too but it feels like a shitty thing to have done #like i feel manipulative for it #and on top of that there's the guilt for getting a second pack at all #bc how am i ever gonna quit if i keep doing that? #like i only have a year to stop #because once i turn 21 and have easy access it's gonna be a thousand times harder #and the issue is that i don't WANT to stop #i just don't want to die at 60 from a heart attack #and that's what's gonna happen if i never quit #like heart attacks are one of the most common smoking fatalities #and heart issues already run in my family #and i already take adderall (adhd not recreational) which probably puts strain on my heart even without smoking #but i really really like being able to smoke #i like having something i can fall back on #and it's so easy to imagine a life where i never make myself give that up #and there's also the added benefit that it feels.... validating? in a way? #like it feels like proof that i struggle with shit #bc healthy people aren't addicted to cigarettes #and that almost feels manipulative too #bc i already HAVE proof that i struggle with shit #i take SNRIs every day and have a history of suicidal ideation/behavior going back as far as i can remember #which means this isn't about validation #it's about wanting other people to see that I'm struggling and assume things are worse than they are #and tbh maybe it's about wishing things WERE worse than they are #like if my mental health is bad enough for me to be a smoker then maybe it's bad enough for me to act the way i do #but deep down i know that's not really true #i chose to start smoking and i had to go out of my way to do it

[silverislander]

i know logically in my brain that i have a disorder that makes it hard for me to focus and do work, the symptoms of which are not gonna go away bc other people need/want me to do stuff, and still like. i'm behind on a bunch of shit for school rn and i'm kind of spiralling over it bc WHY IS IT HARD. this is stuff i like doing and that i want to do. and i can't for the life of me fucking do it and the deadlines are coming up and i NEED TO FUCKING GRADUATE so it has to get done

#i have two assignments due for indigenous lit and i havent even read/watched the materials which is fucking shameful ngl #im so disconnected and behind in that class its not even funny. ive been skating by reading part of the books and doing shit last minute #and i feel awful abt that in particular bc i WANT to give it my full attention. i want to learn. this is important and interesting to me #im also a week behind on my essay which terrifies me ngl #im a week OUT from the next deadline and thats not getting met. which begs the question of when im going to be able to submit it #when i asked my prof for extra time he said he trusts me to 'work conscientiously' which. god. thats so kind but i dont do that #theres an assignment next week for book history that i dont have even started and dont understand #and i cant make myself do fucking anything at all i want to fucking cry #why cant my brain work normally please this one time #why cant literally anyone in a position of authority take me seriously that its a problem i am literally begging rn #im tired of being told that im smart so i can do it bc i literally cant anymore! its been getting worse for years! #i Am smart enough to do this but something else is wrong!! please!! im trying so hard and i know its not this difficult for everyone #im only taking 4 courses! i know people taking 5 who arent struggling as much as me w workloads!! #its gonna take me failing for anyone to care and i cannot fail at this point. im almost done #levi.txt #vent tw #and then i also feel bad bc i blame everything on my adhd #but also. it does fucking affect all aspects of my life #and i feel like i complain too much but that simultaneously nobody is getting how hard shit is for me/how im not ok #delete later #im not asking for attention rn im just yelling into the void dw abt it. ill probably feel better in an hour or two

[toastsnaffler]

my flatmate just got bg3 I feel like the only person in the worrrrld not playing it

#i dont usually play that sort of game but u guys are having so much fun over there...... #but I cant justify the price tag + dont rly wanna go thru the hassle of pirating it so ill just sit here and enjoy ur gifsets #maybe I can convince her to let me sit and watch her play some... #she said she could lend me her copy when shes done but I feel like the buzz will have died down by then #and if shes moved on from playing it then it wont be as fun to talk abt #its okkkk maybe i should start another new game tho instead to make up for it hrmm #ive been rly struggling to like *carmy voice* do things for enjoyment or amusement lately #but idrk what will fix that. my period starting hopefullt #aaanyway. #excited for her hehe. she aced her interview btw but she did too well and they told her she was overqualified + would find it boring #we have literal opposite problems.... shes got another one next week tho so fingers crossed #not 2 overshare abt someone elses life lol #aight imma go see if the waters heated up enough to shower byeee #.diaries

[finalthotz]

WHY IS IT WHEN A MAN

#LEAVES MY LIFE #HES GOTTA CAUSE A SCALE DISASTER ON THE WAY OUT #LIKE NOT ONLY DID U POST MY SHIT WITHOUT MY CONSENT ACROSS MULTIPLE PLATFORMS #BUT NOW MEN R TEXTING ME #VIDEOS OF ME FROM XHAMSTER #RANDOM ME. THAT IVE NEVER TALKED TO A DAY IN MY LIFE #N ON SNAP MEN R LIKE #HOW MUCH FOR A NIGHT #LIKE I KNOW WHAT YOUVE DONE #AND I TRY N TRY TO RECLAIM MY LIFE AND CANT #IMAGINE ME FEELING SAFE ENOUGH TO MOVE ON AND START FOR YOU TO TRY TO REAPPEAR #AND NOT EVEN SAFE BRO LIKE #ME FEELING READY TO SHED A SKIN TO START MY NEW GLOW FOR IT TO BE A FUCKED UP SHED

[misfortunegirl]

imagine being a priority. could not be me

#anyways. its kinda sucky i end up despising people who have objectively not done anything for me to hate them for #but because of a specific person thats ready to abandon me to make them feel better i end up harboring so much hatred #so much malice for pretty much innocent people. well. fuck them i still hate them that they constantly get in my way #i can be self awar but so what. if youre poisoning my life even if unintentionally i will wish you the worst #how will constantly treat me as if jm a #side character in your shitty life when ive done more than enough to deserve a main role #like im pretty cute and loyal. what more could you want from a girl. but no #take me for granted i definitely won't start bearing hatred for everything thats makes you you #oops missed a you in the how will you constantly treat me part #anyways. yeag. im having a good one as you can see #/⁠╲⁠/⁠\⁠╭⁠(⁠•⁠‿⁠•⁠)⁠╮⁠/⁠\⁠╱⁠\

[mrfoox]

Uh idk if I'm dreaming tbh

#miranda talking shit #Where do i start im... Uh help??? #M...my crush basically ... Asked me to... Be friends with benefits and im 🥴 #I think I'll go for it i... Mean i am honestly over the moon we even went there but im uh... I think im in denial? #This just dont feel real. The situation feels crazy. I wany to do it. Only thing im worried about is getting too attached but #Also i want intimacy and i trust him? And he was very adamant that i felt okay and not uneasy etc #Legit stayed an hour longer to make sure i was okay and stuff... Ive just not done anything like this before #The rest of the week is going to be a ride. We didn't ... Decide anything just ... Its out there :') #Id like to try... Maybe this is a stupid idea and i shouldn't but also im so curious tbh so ... Heyo. Guess I'll sleep on it #Shits at least exciting and tbh i dont have enough of that ever in my life tbh

[aceyanaheim]

I hope when I graduate I can be proud of myself

#personal #ive been working on it but like it coming up close has me kicking up 'did i do enough ' #'could i have done this certification' 'could i have been more active in extracurriculars' #i had to prioritize a lot of things though i did manage to make connections at the school and write a lot #its idk j was talking to my counselor and my drive to do good and how it's very tied to me having done badly #and 'i just always wanna prove i can be more' she asked me just who exactly i want to make proud and i sorta ..it stopped me short #bc really who.. who's left #my friends more or less made it clear i could drop out tomorrow never get a byline in my life look for treasure in the beach for a living #they'd still be proud of me #my family...yeah sure but that's more cause i don't wanna hear a guilt ladden 'i told you so' #i want an answer ready when they ask 'and what did you do with that title' #'and all that money you spent what did it get you' #( Aside from finally feeling like a student and y'know Having Sanity and a place to live didn't drive me to tears) #and community and accessibility and independence and a start at a writing portfolio and mentors and therapy) #but that won't be the answer they want #so yea maybe my family but.. also me #i think i wanna make me proud and i don't think i know how or where enough is at #maybe i can figure that out on my last semester

[ikyw-t]

sometimes youre just minding your own business and have a very serious realization like for example perhaps if i had just had the confidence to dye my hair purple in high school i would've had somewhat more self-esteem in general and avoided choosing literally the worst possible person to hang out with out of fear of not making any other friends. just little things like that

#also me not dyeing my hair then was not bc i wasnt allowed to or anything i had just never had a hair cut id had really liked at that point #so i didnt want to 'waste a fun color' on a bad hair cut. which. also funnily enough exemplifies one of my classic long-standing problems #lol.... man. well. kids dont be like me for the love of god stop waiting for the timing or your hair cut or whatever to be perfect #before you start doing what you actually want with it #godddddd i think if id had like 10% more confidence in high school i could have avoided most of my problems in the last three years of hs #but whatever. u live and u dedicate years of your life to people who are so mean and manipulative and it's extremely painful and you have #nightmares about them years later like last night for example and the sheer amount of regret makes you so angry. #and you live and you learn so. you know. just part of life. #also i am sick so obviously i would have nightmares about it now especially #also rly the most disturbing and upsetting part of the nightmare is rly just the fact that i have to see this person at all. i just hate it #but you live and you learn!!! #lol... anywayyy back to watching tv now bc thats all ive done today but its fine bc i am sick so i am allowed

[zeldasnotes]

SpOoKy NoTeS 👻

Its spooky time until christmas and everyone knows it. Dont even try to deny it. And you better believe I have some spooky observations for yall. And I advice all sensitive people to not read these. Here is a bottle of formula for yall instead 🍼

⚠️ Achilles(588) shows your weak spot. Working on your achilles will help you so much in life. Because just like with Chiron if you dont work on this weakness people might use this weakness against you.

⚠️ You know that girl your boyfriend always talks shit about? I bet your boyfriends Venus is in that girls 1st house or his planets in her 8th house. I dare you to check.

⚠️ If you have Saturn in the 10th house there is a risk of getting your karma back for stuff you have done very publicly. It might take a while but it will happen. For example Ellen Degeneres.

⚠️ People with Lilith in the 3rd house can say the most cruel things when angry. Sometimes might not even control it and afterwards find themselves wondering what the hell they just said. Can also experience issues with lying especially in their younger years.

⚠️ Lie(26955) conjunct Moon might have had a lot of women make up lies about them. Might be surrounded by women who lie or even a family of habitual liars.

⚠️ Men with Lilith in the 10th house = false assault accusations or snitch accusations. If you are a man with this placement and you are thinking about joining a gang just know there is a 90% chance that if the police catch someone in the gang YOU will be accused of being the one of who snitched.

⚠️ Moon/Pluto women yes women hate on you but you are sneaky yourself and other women pick up on that.

⚠️ The moon really is where we are the most sensitive. Attacking someones moon can really make someone explode. Ive noticed that most times when someone throw a fit in my comments or asks its because of something I wrote about their moon.

⚠️ Fama(408) in Cancer/Conjunct Moon can do ANYTHING and will still be seen as a good mom. They have the ”supermom” image. Trying to expose someone with this placement might fail unless Fama is very afflicted.

⚠️ Someone with Peitho(118) conjunct personal planets can talk people into anything. Peitho was the goddess of persuasion, seduction and charming speech.

⚠️ If you have Moon conjunct Uranus you might have some very ”unique” children so be prepared for shock. Kate Gosselin from Kate plus 8 have this and she first gave birth to twins and then she had sextuplets(!!!!)

⚠️ People with Juno(3) conjunct Fama(408) can be cloutchasers.

⚠️ Moon/Venus harshly aspecting Neptune can idealize women a lot, especially beautiful women. People with these aspects can start copying someone they look up to and if Pluto is involved it can get scary. I know someone with this who would copy every outfit, makeup, behaviour, way of talking & way of walking of another girl in our class.

⚠️ Aquarius Moons sometimes take their need to be unpredictable and unique way too far and might do weird or mean things to show it. They can be just as attention seeking as their sister sign.

⚠️ Lilith in the 7th house people might think they are the controlling one in the relationship but they dont even know half of what their partner is doing behind the scenes. Can also be the opposite tho.

⚠️ If you have Sun conjunct Lilith you probably represent something your dad dislikes about himself. He sees his shadow self in you/the part of himself he denies.

⚠️ Chiron shows stuff you are attacked for. Ascendant = appearance, the way you assert yourself/dont assert yourself. Moon = Your sensitivity, a sensitivity thats very visible to others. Venus = looks, attacked by romantic interests and women. Mars = By men, for not being assertive enough. 9th house=For your background/religion, attacked by students at school. 3rd house = siblings, kids in the neighborhood, early schoolyears.

⚠️ Mars Square Pluto attract people who can feel an obsessive anger towards them or an obsessive need to put them in their place. The kind of people to have others making revenge plans on them. Also masculine energies become obsessed with them.

⚠️ When you have Lilith/Asc people attack like hyenas. With this placement there is a risk of people not showing you empathy, you see sides of people that others dont see because you are a walking threath. This doesnt always mean they hate you, this can be something very subconscious that they dont even are aware of themselves, you just awake a fear in them that they cant explain.

⚠️ A Narcissists worst nightmare is a person with Neptune conjunct personal planets. Narcissists feed on emotional reactions from others and people with Neptune on the Sun or Ascendant dont show emotional reactions because their mind is always focused on having the proper reaction and to read the situation to create their personality around their surroundings. So in a way you will never get a ”real” reaction from a Neptunian.

⚠️ Venus 1st house synastry can make Venus VERY hateful and mean towards the house person. They can have a hard time feeling bad for the house person because of the jealousy. Ive noticed the same with Venus 2nd house synastry.

⚠️ If Toro(1685) conjunct a planet in your chart dont only check that planet also check what house is ruled by that planet. Example: If you have Toro conjunct Venus and your 4th house is in Libra. Toro is conjunct your 4th house ruler so your mother/family could be your bully.

LAST YEARS SPOOKY NOTES🎃

©️ 2023 Zeldas Notes

#astro notes #astrology #astro observations #astronotes #lilith #birth chart readings