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writtenbymisunderstoodnerds · 1 year

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With you, everything's okay (USWNT x ADHD Reader)

This is part 3 of the ADHD reader series. It's kinda long, but hope you enjoy!

Part one

Part two

Words: 4.6K

Due to the Adderall shortage I didn't have much of my medication, which was not great. I was supposed to get a refill a couple of days ago, but I wasn't able to yet. It could be a few days, weeks or months until I got more. Given what's been on the news, it was something I had anticipated so I had a few days worth for when I really needed it. I had a doctors appointment next week to try figure out a different medication, but I was almost tempted to just not do it. When I first got medication for my ADHD it was a long process of dose adjustments, and dealing with side effects. It was mentally and physically draining. It was something I didn't really want to go through again. The headaches and sleepless nights when I didn't take it were bad enough. Though I didn't know how I would cope long term without it.

We had just started another month long camp which made this whole thing just a bit more difficult. Ally wasn't with me and I wasn't sure if or when she would be able to visit. For now I was trying to distract myself. I had spent hours so far scouring the internet and going from jeweler to jeweler with Ali trying to find the perfect ring for Ally. None of them were good enough or matched who Ally was. She didn't like fancy rings with big stones or really any stones. She preferred more plain, flush bands with maybe a tiny stone. Ally deserved more than a plain band though. I just had to find the perfect one.

For the third or maybe fourth time I had dragged Ali out shopping with me. It had probably been hours and I still hadn't found anything that was right. I was starting to get frustrated when Ali literally dragged me away from the mall to the park across the road.

"You need to take a break."

"But-"

"No, you're getting frustrated and irritable so we're taking a break."

My eyes started to water as I hid my face in my hands, "I just want to find the ring she deserves Ali."

Ali sat down beside me, pulling me into her side, "I know and we will. It'll just take some time, it's only been a few weeks since you got engaged. Have you looked into custom design rings?"

I had gotten Ally a cheap ring in the mean time, but I hated that she had to wait for a proper one. "I didn't even think of that."

We went back to the hotel after getting lunch. Since Ali mentioned it, I was itching to look into designer rings. I had briefly on my phone, but Ali quickly stopped me so I would actually eat. It was a free day so I locked myself in my room quickly going down the rabbit hole of custom rings. I spent hours comparing different companies and small businesses, calling or emailing them to figure out more around pricing and what type of designs they could do. I ended up finding a small business that could get it done in about 2-3 weeks once the design was decided on.

The design was the next thing I got lost in. I wanted to get it done as soon as possible so Ally could finally get the ring to go with the proposal. There were a couple of ideas that I was playing around with, but it was hard to choose just one. I don't know how long it had been when my phone rang breaking me out of my fixation. Of course it was a facetime from Ally, her ringtone always brought me back to reality.

Hey baby

What's got you so distracted that you didn't even look at me? I miss my beautiful smile

I laughed, quickly glancing at her, involuntary smile stretching across my face,Nothing, sorry

Right, I'll pretend I believe you. Did you eat?

It's not dinner yet

Baby, it's 9pm where you are.

No it's no- Oh shit, I got distracted

Ally giggled, the sound making my heart skip a beat. I wished she was here. I figured, Ali is going to bring you something since I know you won't leave whatever it is you're doing.

Thank you Al. Can I ask you something?

Anything

If you had to pick one thing from our relationship, date, holiday, whatever really, what's your favourite thing?

That's a hard one. Do you remember our snowboarding trip?

Our first trip together was a snow boarding trip. We hadn't been together very long and we ended up getting snowed in with no power for 2 nights. All we could do was read, cuddle, play board games, talk and try to keep the fire going. Ally and I had connected from the start, but that trip was a sort of turning point in our relationship. We got to know each other on a deeper level, telling each other all the intimate and deep parts of ourselves. That was when I told her about my adhd, my family, how they acted and how I felt growing up.

It was the first time I ever cried in front of her. There had been a sense of shame wash over me. I wasn't one to cry in front of people, it had been ingrained in me since I was young. Ally had just held me tightly, whispering reassurances then making me laugh harder then I had in a long time. She had never judged me about anything. Sure, occasionally she would tell me I was being stupid, but she always had my back.

Where's that head of yours baby?

Sorry, I was just thinking back to that trip. It was a disaster, but I loved that trip.

Me too. I think that's my favourite

There was a knock on the door before I could reply. My stomach growled when I saw the food Ali was holding. I hadn't realised how hungry I actually was. In all honesty, I probably wouldn't have eaten if Ali hadn't shown up with food, "Thank you Ali."

"You're welcome. I'm just glad someone could get through to you. We've all been texting and calling you, even knocked on the door. We figured you were asleep or completely zoned out."

"You got Ally to call me?"

"She was already going to. I just asked if she had heard from you. I didn't want to wake you up if you were asleep, I know the last couple of days have been hard."

"I appreciate that. I got stuck into that thing we were talking about. I'll show you later."

Ally and I continued to talk while I kept working on the design and she started to fall asleep. I stayed on the phone with her even after she fell asleep. We had always slept on facetime together when we were apart. It made us feel closer when we couldn't be.

By time 4am rolled around I had finally finished the design idea. I had done a rough sketch, but also described my idea so the person could adjust if needed to what they could do. My design idea was mountains that wrapped around the entire band. A textured sky to resemble a snowy day with a small set diamond to look like the moon and hopefully someway to make the mountains look like it was covered in snow. I didn't know if it was completely possible, but even something remotely like that would be okay. I quickly sent it off before I could overthink and change my mind. I was very glad that we had another day off tomorrow.

---

"Ally!" I ran, jumping in her arms and hugging her tightly. "What are you doing here?"

"Thought I would surprise you again."

"Not that I don't love that you're here, but aren't you busy at work?"

"I am, but I can work remotely now."

"You can? Wait, you got the promotion?" Ally nodded, huge smile on her face as I picked her up and spun her around, kissing her hard. "Oh my god, this is amazing. You are amazing. I am so fucking proud of you Ally."

The girls wandered into the lobby, greeting Ally with quick hugs, "Guys! Ally got the promotion!"

Some of the girls practically jumped on Ally telling her how proud they were. They had even dragged her out for dinner that night saying that we had to celebrate her achievement. Some even going as far as doing speeches. I loved how much they adored Ally, how they had welcomed her into the team without hesitation.

We were lying in bed that night, wrapped up in each other. I brushed a piece of hair out of her face before kissing her softly, "I really am so proud of you Ally. You're amazing. You've worked so hard for this, you deserve this."

"Thank you Y/n. I couldn't have done it without your love and constant support even if my job bores you."

"Yeah well, for you I will go through all the boring shit in life a million times over." I kissed her softly before sighing, "I'm sorry Al."

Ally's forehead creased as her eyebrows drew together, "What are you apologising for?"

"I'm sorry that it's been weeks since I proposed and I haven't gotten you a proper ring yet. You deserve the perfect ring and I'm sorry you don't have it yet."

She smiled softly, cupping my cheek and making me look at her, "Do you remember what I said when you asked me to marry you?" I shook my head. All I remembered was her saying yes and being very excited. "I told you that I don't care about a ring and I meant it. If this was the only ring you got me, I wouldn't care. All I care about is being with you okay?"

"I love you Ally so fucking much. I just- Your ring is on the way, I just don't know when it'll get here."

"It's okay, I already know I'll love it."

---

Arms wrapped around me from behind, kisses being placed along my jaw. I turned my head, connecting our lips in a long kiss as I pulled her round to my lap. Ally squealed against my lips, giving me the opportunity to slip my tongue into her mouth. A breathy moan slipped from Ally as our tongues met. After a couple of seconds, Ally's fingers dug into my shirt as she pushed me away, "We're in the meal room."

"That can be changed besides no one else is here."

"I have a meeting in half an hour so stop being a horndog and show me what had you so focused."

"You can't blame me, you know what your work clothes do to me."

I had been looking at different wedding themes on Pinterest, but I was struggling to find ones that might actually suit Ally and I. We were very simple people, we didn't need anything fancy to be happy. We weren't traditional either. It was something we used to make jokes about, how we would go the complete opposite way, have some random colour instead of white, casual clothes and a barbeque. Just one big party. I didn't know what we were actually going to do. When we talked about it, it was just an idea, far off in the future. Now it was a reality and I was so excited to marry Ally. I knew we actually had to talk about when we wanted to do it, but I couldn't wait to marry her.

I turned my computer so Ally could see, "Anyway, I'm looking at wedding ideas. We should talk about when we want to do it, soon, sooner, soonish, far away, somewhere in the middle. I mean, I'm really fucking excited to marry you, but if you wan-"

"Okay baby, take a breath. You just named three times that are pretty much the same and aren't actually times."

"Sorry, I'm just excited. You know I never thought I would want to get married, let alone be this excited about it."

Ally wrapped her arms around me, kissing my temple, "I know Y/n/n. Don't apologise for being excited, I never meant to make it sound like a bad thing. Trust me, I can't wait to marry you and I love that you are excited to marry me, I would be kind of mad if you weren't."

I giggled, nuzzling my nose against her neck, "So what do you think?"

"Well, I think the sooner the better."

"Exactly what I was thinking. The more I look, the more I'm convinced on a court house wedding. It's such a process."

"A court house wedding would be a lot easier."

"No! you can't have a court house wedding," Kelley yelled making us jump and me glare at her.

---

Today was the worst day yet without my meds. I was exhausted, my head hurt, I was irritable beyond belief, every little sound or touch felt a hundred times worse and I couldn't focus on anything. There had been a very small handful of times in our relationship that I couldn't handle Ally's touch, this was one of those times. It always made me feel like shit, guilty that my own girlfriend couldn't even touch me. That didn't help me feel any better. Ally was always so understanding about it all, reassuring me that it was okay and dealing with my over touching afterwards to make up for it. Today was no different, Ally had been amazing, giving me space, reassuring me.

Ally had brought me lunch so I wouldn't have to be around the team. We were sitting on the floor in silence after eating. Normally, just being near Ally would help but everything was starting to get too overwhelming. I felt like I was about to explode, like any second I would break. And I did. I didn't mean for it to happen, things just boiled over. Ally suggested we go for a walk, she knew it would help, so did I but I couldn't bring myself to leave the room. I ended up snapping at her.

"Come on Y/n/n, you know it'll help."

"Just give it a rest! I don't need you pestering me, I'm not a child, I'm an adult, I can handle this myself. Just back off."

Ally just looked at me for a second before getting up and walking out. I buried my hands in my hair, pulling slightly. Maybe it wasn't the most healthy thing, but it helped ground me. Well normally it would. It helped enough to snap me out of it and realised I fucked up, "Fuck."

Tears fell before I could stop them as I curled up in a ball and cried. I had never snapped at Ally like that before. Sure we had fights occasionally, but there was never yelling. I cried and sobbed, letting everything from the last week or so out. Being off my meds was exhausting, physically but mostly mentally. My mind was almost constantly a mess. It took me back to how I felt growing up. Like I was annoying, a burden, stupid. That the people around me only put up with me because they had to. Ally included.

Once the tears finally stopped, I just lay there staring at the celling. It's like I was stuck there, I knew I had to go find Ally, but I couldn't move. The door opened then I felt someone sit down next to me. I knew it wasn't Ally, she always wore a perfume that I would recoganise instantly.

"What's going on Y/n/n?" Christens soft voice filled the silence.

"It's too much. I-I don't know if I can handle this. I'm just a burden to everyone around me. I fucked up, Ally hates me. It's just too much Chris."

"Y/n Y/l/n you are not a burden. I know things are hard without your medication, but that does not mean you are a burden. We love you, we are here for you okay? I know it's hard, I know it feels overwhelming, but we've got you. We've always got you Y/n. Ally could never hate you, she loves you. Did something happen with her?"

"I fucked up. I snapped at her when she was just trying to help. I've never done anything like that before. I fucked up Chris," My voice cracked, tears somehow welling up again.

Christen pulled me into her. I didn't fight it, instead gripping her shirt tightly as sobbed wracked through me again. She rubbed my back, whispering quiet reassurances. Eventually Christen moved, being replaced by someone else who held me tight, hand slipping under my shirt and drawing patterns along my skin. Perfume overtook my senses, that sweet perfume I knew so well. I sobbed harder, gripping her shirt as if my life depended on it. In a way it did. I couldn't imagine my life without Ally in it. She understood me in a way no one else did, she knew how to calm me down, how to support me, how to make me laugh. Most importantly she loved me despite my flaws.

"I'm sorry Ally, I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, I'm so-"

"Shhh, it's okay, I've got you baby, I've got you."

It took a while, but eventually the tears stopped. I sat up, moving away from Ally to sit against the bed. I felt myself go numb. Over the years, it had become my way to protect my self when things, especially emotions got too much. It hadn't happened in a while. Things were never too much when Ally was around, it was manageable. Right now I didn't know where we stood and I was scared.

I felt two warm hands cup my cheeks and soft lips press against my forehead, "Don't do that. Don't blank out on me. Come back to me."

"W-what are you doing here?"

"Chris texted, she was worried about you, said you needed me."

"You came even after I said what I did."

Ally laced her fingers with mine, "Of course I did. While I didn't appreciate what happened, I know you didn't mean it. Besides, you needed me. I will always be there for you when you need me."

"I'm sorry for snapping at you, I was just so overwhelmed. I don't know if I can do this Al. It's just so much."

She pulled me up, wrapping me tightly in her arms then guiding me so we were cuddled in bed, "I know it's hard baby, I know it's frustrating, but we've got this. I'm right here by your side every step of the way, I'm not going anywhere."

"We're okay?"

"We're okay baby. You owe me a massage though, when you're feeling better to make up for this."

I chuckled, cuddling into her side, my eyes getting heavy, "Deal. I love you Al."

"I love you Y/n. Try and get some sleep. I'm finished work for the day. Chris is going to bring dinner for us a bit later."

---

The ring had just arrived at the hotel and I was scared to open it. I ran straight up to Ali, pulling her away much to the confusion of Ally and everyone else. I shoved the package at her, making her stumble back a bit.

"Calm down a bit Y/n/n. What is it?"

"The ring. Can you open it? I'm kinda scared."

Ali carefully opened the package then the box. I was way more nervous than I expected to be. I had spent so long trying to find the perfect ring, I guess I was worried this wouldn't be it, that it wasn't anything close to what I was hoping for.

"This is beautiful Y/n. It's perfect."

I slowly took the box from Ali, freezing when I saw it. It was exactly what I had envisioned. Seeing the ring felt like a weight had been lifted. After spending so much time searching, I finally had the ring Ally deserved. Thoughts of her not liking it tried to creep in, but I managed to push them away. I knew Ally would like it. "It's exactly what I wanted. It came out way better than I expected."

"So are you just going to give it to her? Or do another proposal?"

"I'm not sure. I was kind of thinking about proposing again just for the fun of it. The original proposal wasn't that special."

"I think you'll find to Ally it was. Even if it wasn't extravagant, it was just the two of you. Personal and intimate."

"Probably. Let's be honest, I just want to spoil her. Can you hold onto this for me? I'm terrified of losing it."

Ali wrapped her arm around me, trying not to laugh, "Of course I will. Let me know if you need help planning it. Let's get back before they start to question it."

Ally was going to say yes. Knowing that let the excitement bubble up instead of the nerves. I was incredibly excited to propose to her, the plan was already coming together in my mind. I didn't want to wait, all going well it was going to happen tonight.

Once we got back, I beelined to Ally, "I have two questions. First, will you go on a date with me tonight? Second, do you want to go make out?"

"Yes and definitely yes."

---

Since we started dating, picnics were a big part of our relationship. We both had jobs that meant we dealt with a lot of people. Picnics were the way we escaped reality and people without being inside or around our flat mates at the time. I figured there was no better place to propose then on a picnic.

Because our date was last minute and we had practice today, I hadn't had enough time to set up the picnic. Ali had agreed to set up the picnic while I took Ally bowling. She loved bowling and it gave time to set everything up. Ally had won by a lot which was not a surprise, I sucked at bowling. Of course she had gloated about it, but with the proud smile she wore, I couldn't even be annoyed.

Before we left, I had texted Ali to make sure everything was set up so we didn't get there too early. I was driving when the reply came in. Ally went to check like normal, but I quickly stopped her, much to her confusion.

"You can't check that one, it'll ruin the surprise." I pulled over checking the message, making sure to hide it from Ally. Thankfully she didn't question it.

Ali: Food took longer then planned, just picked it up, need 10 minutes to finish everything. Also found the perfect place to film it.

Ally was wearing a grey sweater, white blouse underneath with the collar showing and black jeans. I don't know what it was, but I found her incredibly attractive when she wore stuff like that. It was mostly for work which is why I got kicked out when she was working. I couldn't keep my hands to myself. "So we need to kill 10 minutes. You look incredibly beautiful so lets make out."

"Yeah okay."

Ali had set up a blanket on the beach with candles, rose petals and a small speaker for music. Instead of doing the classic picnic foods, I got Ali to pick up some Thai food because it was Ally's favourite and another one of our traditions.

I watched Ally's eyes light up as we approached the picnic, "Baby, this is beautiful. How did you set this up?"

"I may have gotten Ali to help set it up. You like it?"

"You don't even have to ask, I love everything you do. This is perfect baby. Is that Thai? I'm starving."

I had planned to do the proposal first for 3 reasons. I was terrified of losing the ring, it was likely I would get more nervous as time went on and Ali was waiting to film it. "It is, you need to wait a minute before we eat."

I found the ring before taking Ally's hand, "Growing up I never thought I would find someone who loved me so unconditionally, who loved me as I was. Who would stick by me and support me through everything. But I did. I found you and I never want to lose you. I want you, no I need you by my side for the rest of my life. I love you Ally, more than you will ever know. I know you've already said yes, but I wanted to do this properly." I sunk down on one knee, opening the box, "Will you marry me Ally?"

"Yes, a million times yes." I easily slipped the ring onto her finger watching her eyes widen as she looked at the ring closer. "Holy shit Y/n, this is amazing. Where did you find it?"

"I designed it. It's based on the snowboarding trip."

"Just when I thought I couldn't love you more, you prove me wrong. You are amazing baby. Words can't describe how much I love this. I want this to be my wedding ring as well. It's too perfect to just be an engagement ring. Is that allowed?"

"We can do whatever we want. Ali filmed that by the way, I wanted it for our memories."

---

Ally and I were looking at wedding ideas together for the first time. At first I was slightly worried that we weren't going to be on the same page, that it might cause fights. I had seen it happen to couples before. I quickly realised that it was a pointless worry, we were on the same page about everything so far. We wanted simple, non-traditional.

We had started looking at things we would need for the wedding, such as the venue and catering. Everything we had looked at so far was expensive, which I guess wasn't that much of a surprise, everyone always says weddings are expensive.

I sighed, pushing the laptop away and turning to Ally, "Why are weddings so expensive? Like I know we can afford it, but it just seems like a waste."

"I know, it's just one day, we could use that money towards our honeymoon or a house."

I straddled Ally, hiding my face against her shoulder. As much as I loved planning things, without my meds, even that was slightly overwhelming after a bit of time. There were so many options and things to consider, "We could do a backyard wedding. Ali and Ash might let us use their place if we asked nice enough."

"Of course we would." I jumped, turning around to find them both standing there.

"I swear the word wedding is like a magnet for all of you. Every time it's mentioned, someone shows up."

"Well you guys keep talking about it in places where there's a high likely hood of someone being around. Anyway, we would love to have your wedding at our place if that's what you wanted."

Reluctantly, I climbed off Ally, moving to stand by Ali and Ash, "You would really do that for us?"

Ali smiled softly, pulling me in for a hug, "Of course we will kiddo. You're family. You're family too Ally."

I noticed Ally trying to hide her smile. No matter how much they showed they loved her or treated her like part of the team, I still got the same warm, almost ecstatic feeling. To me the team was family. The fact that they saw Ally as family was really important to me. "We're not planning anything over the top or even overly traditional, just simple with friends and family."

"Are your parents going to be there?" Ashlyn tried to hide the annoyance in her voice when mentioning my parents, but it didn't work. I wasn't surprised by it, when they found out what it was like for me growing up, they were pissed.

I had opened up to them about a lot of things, especially Ali, but besides vague information about how they treated me, my parents never really came up. "No, I um cut them off about 3 years ago. They were just destroying my mental health. Ally's parents will be there though, they pretty much took me in."

"They like you more than me sometimes."

"Well we can't wait to meet them."

#uswnt x reader #uswnt imagines #uswnt imagine #woso x reader #woso imagines

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thecarnivorousmuffinmeta · 1 year

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Hello. Your top 10 (or whatever) of Bella's favorite ridiculous decisions or actions?

I'm not sure I have a particular order so I suppose I'll list out ten things off the top of my head.

Bella's Motivation to Move to Forks

Now, this is mostly just sad, and offers some very key insight into Bella's relationship with her mother and her general childhood, however, the decision making in and of itself is delightfully ridiculous.

Bella's going to stop being a burden to her mother by moving to Forks right after her mother got married. She will give no one a reasonable response of why she suddenly up and moved, with little warning, and will badly lie through her teeth that she loves Forks when she's hated it for years.

To Renee, this undoubtedly looks like a) Bella is mad at her for remarrying b) Bella hates Phil c) Potentially... Phil did something very bad to Bella.

Bella, however, has no idea.

It never crosses her mind in the narration that this is what people assumed happen.

She realizes her decision is a bit odd but she doesn't think it's utterly bizarre and is more wallowing in her completely self-imposed misery.

Hallucination Edward

Granted, Bella's severely depressed here, but the whole Hallucination Edward arc is a ride.

First, when making a blatantly poor decision, Bella actually hallucinates Edward telling her not to do it. Rather than be mildly concerned that she hallucinated her boyfriend, Bella doubles down, and purposefully puts herself in as much peril as possible so as to keep hallucinating Edward.

She then never tells anyone she was doing any of this to hallucinate Edward and, again, doesn't seem to realize any of this was strange or concerning.

You don't hallucinate your ex-boyfriend?

I Will Stab Myself to Save the Day

Bella gets invited to a tribal meeting and Billy tells a story. The moral of the story is very clearly that vampires are man-eating demons who are the stuff of horror stories with no hint of humanity or compassion.

Bella skips that part and zeroes in on the third wife stabbing herself so as to distract the vampire.

"I can do that," Bella says.

Or rather, what she says is in a Troy Maclure voice, "It's the part I was born to play, baby."

Bella then proceeds to try to do this and gets Edward asking, "What the fuck, Bella?!"

And Bella's response is that she thought she was being helpful!

We Should Hide in the Place No One Will Ever Look: My Hometown

When Bella's on the run in Twilight from James she proposes that they go to Phoenix. Why?

She said she was going to Phoenix.

See, because she said it, James will never look there.

Nevermind that's the first place he's going to look because a) she said it, b) she has family there.

Nevertheless Bella, Edward, and Emmett consider this to be a tricksy, brilliant, plan.

James finds her less than twenty-four hours later.

He Swam to France?!

Bella gets the weirdest things out of stories. She actually generally doesn't care what people say much if at all.

Edward goes on this long, rambly, monologue of how Carlisle was turned into a vampire. Bella's not uninterested, it sounds like an exciting story in theory, but what she zeroes in on is the idea of Carlisle swimming to France.

Edward stops and stares at her.

"Yes, Bella, humans do that too."

She stares back.

"Right, I knew that, it just sounded strange in context."

It didn't sound strange in context.

(Bella has a few other moments like this such as hyper focusing on Edward's human eyes being green when Carlisle's trying to tell her that Edward believes he has no soul and that if she became a vampire she'd become a soulless husk. Rosalie's story is a similar moment, though there it's more that Bella decides "well, I never wanted a baby, so I'm good" and not thinking anything else about what Rosalie said.)

Bella's Reaction to Edward's Everything

Edward says he planned to meticulously murder the entire Biology class, to murder Bella, so he could have her sweet sweet blood be warm for long enough to devour.

This is right after confessing that he is, in fact, a vampire.

Bella says essentially, "Cool story, bro" and thinks it proves his love to her that he likes her so much he overcame his burning desire to eat her all the time.

In the next sentence, he confesses to having at first despised her because her scent ruined his existence as well as the fact that his family voted on her assassination.

He then runs around a meadow, purposefully being terrifying (honestly, I imagine Jack Nicholson in the Shining here but with more glitter) and Bella thinks it's all wonderful.

Everybody Hates Me

This is a more normal, teenage, thing but Bella not only has the world's lowest self-esteem but she assumes everyone hates her. Someone didn't talk to her at lunch: they hate her. Jasper doesn't talk to her? He hates her too (even though he does this so as not to eat her).

Bella generally assumes people have strong negative feelings about her when they probably generally don't care in the least.

The Vote to Turn Bella into a Vampire

Right when Bella gets back to Forks she goes to the Cullen house and makes them, who barely know her, awkwardly vote to her face if she should join their family forever or not while Edward seethes in the background.

Granted, it was the only way to get it done and she'd lost all faith in Edward doing it, but despite losing all faith in Edward wanting to be with her forever... she tries to fix that by forcing his family to make her be with him forever...

And doesn't see this as a glaring red flag for their relationship...

I can't even imagine being a Cullen in that moment.

Conclusion

I could keep going, but honestly, it's every time Bella opens her mouth or thinks about anything.

I do feel for Edward in the sense that, if the novels weren't from Bella's point of view, we would have no idea what the fuck she's on about.

#twilight #twilight renaissance #twilight meta #bella swan #anti bella swan #meta #headcanon #opinion #everythingnot65

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feyspeaker · 5 months

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Hiii! Gosh, I love your work SO MUCH. You recently mentioned in an answer to someone that you have ADHD and because of that, you have lots of rituals for your work in order to stay focused. May I ask what your routine is? I have struggled for years and years as a working artist to control or harness my adhd, and I would love to hear what works for you!! Thank you so much for even reading this :)))

Hi there!! Thank you so much. ♥

I'm probably a terrible person to give advice, because I absolutely do NOT have a handle on my ADHD. I often feel like I'm drowning in it, as I'm sure a lot of other people in the same situation can commiserate with. A lot of my issues are exacerbated by my agoraphobia and anxiety, but I won't go too into that stuff because I am not really in a place to talk about that aspect of my life so much. I do think I've become more aware of it as I have gotten older and am definitely better at managing it than I was when I was younger. Also to start off, I'm not medicated for it.

First and foremost, I tend to need to overstimulate myself in order to get down to painting, though this is only so effective. I play really loud, very noisy music when I work. Angelspit, Combichrist, The Gazette, etc. Heavy electronic, industrial, nu metal kind of stuff. It helps drown out my thoughts so I can focus on painting. I need to Not Think to be able to paint. I have to already know I'm in flow state on something and really into it if I'm going to be playing mellower stuff.

I also like to play youtube videos or shows on things I'm currently fixated on. Like I'll watch nothing but videos on Welsh folklore or horse training or whatever the hell. I really struggle with listening to audiobooks or podcasts because they aren't engaging enough.

I have parental controls on my computer set up so that I can block out any distracting websites, however this is really not super helpful because I have to keep social media open at all times as it's part of my job to manage those things. It does help some though. It might work for you! They make browser extensions for it.

I try to keep momentum on pieces. I can't let a piece sit for more than a few days, or I know it's time to bin it and give up. I either hyperfixate on a painting until it's done, or it's not good enough and it's going to be like an anchor dragging my momentum down. The second I feel momentum waning I know I need to make a change. I've made huge changes to how I take commissions in order to help me with this, as this is my biggest struggle. I hate sending updates on things, waiting for emails, painting things I'm not super invested in, etc. I recognize that I am incredibly blessed/lucky to be in a position to be a little pickier about the work I take on and how I take it. But I do firmly believe in general that a commission based artist should try to make sure they are doing work they enjoy and not just slogging away on something that they don't vibe with at all. That's good advice for anyone, but I do think that us folk with ADHD tend to feel burnout and artblock harder. I know when I have artblock literally NOTHING can get me to paint, so that's why momentum is so important.

I also try to recognize things that I know are going to trigger me into avoiding what I need to do for the day, or causing me to spiral. For example, if I know I need to make a phone call I try to do that first if at all possible, otherwise I am going to end up not getting anything done for the next 6 hours. If I know I'm going to have to have to leave the house for an appointment or something scheduled, I typically just let that day be a wash and don't plan any work for it. I end up physically ill when I have something I have to go out and do (like going to some appointment or even something small like going to pick something up off of FB marketplace) so I try to just Avoid That, but if I can't I will just clear my schedule for the day.

I try to maximize my Good Days by minimizing things that trigger my procrastination/lack of motivation/distractions. But when I have bad days I just try not to beat myself up about it. (Still do, but I'm trying to get better.)

The worst thing is letting a whole day be wasted sitting there, knowing the time is passing. Knowing that there is something you should be doing, but you're not doing it. Knowing that you don't want to be doing that thing, and that you'd rather be playing a game or painting something else. But not doing that either. And before you know it, the sun is setting and you've done no work AND had no fun and it's time for bed. Ugh, I've had so many days like that.

It's important to recognize when that is happening, and to just say "fuck it" and go do the fun thing you want to do instead of toiling for hours in indecision. That's probably bad advice for people who have poor responsibility skills (like actually making sure to get work done on the good days) but I am saying this in good faith. Sometimes when that happens I'll let myself go bake a bunch of bread or obsessively clean a cabinet out so I still feel like I did something that day. Next day, I try to do better.

I don't know if this is helpful at all- I know people with ADHD have a lot of different experiences/tendencies, but this is what helps me. I slipped a lot after my dad's cancer diagnosis several years ago and felt myself really just completely letting go into the ADHD time void because my thoughts and worries were so loud I couldn't drown them out with all the screamo in the world. I started fixating on BG3 really hard near the end, and it's absolutely responsible for me being Okay artistically and emotionally speaking after his passing last month. I think difficult situations can make our symptoms worse, and to an extent we have to ride the wave and be kind to ourselves.

That's perhaps my closing thought- be patient and kind to yourself. Our brains don't really work right but it can be a blessing in that I think the flow state we are capable of is really something otherwordly. So try to identify what helps trigger that in you and foster it.

#ask

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mins-fins · 8 months

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𝐖𝐄𝐒𝐓 𝐂𝐎𝐀𝐒𝐓 ; 𝖲.𝖰𝖱

spoiler for an upcoming series (*wink* *wink*)

"HOW IS YOUR HAIR WHITE?" the girl in his arms asks abruptly, she's still chewing on that granola bar ricky had fed no more than three minutes prior. "white hair means old right?"

the blonde snickers, looking away momentarily to laugh like the young girl had just said the funniest thing ever. "no, i bleached it" he answers honestly, and the girl tilts her head in confusion.

"bleach is not for hair!" she shouts, taking another bite out of the granola bar ricky had in his hands. she gives him a confused look as she continues chewing, like he just said the most absurd thing imaginable.

"well it's how i got my hair so white" he says again, and she simply shakes her head, as if she was disagreeing with him.

"nuh uh".

"uh huh!"

ricky found it funny that he was arguing with a kid, a three year old girl for that matter, heck, she continued stumbling with her words most of the time and she's asking about bleach? it's one of the most hilarious things he thinks he could ever hear.

"that isn't fair" he pouts, but there's no glimmer of guilt in the little girls eyes. "how come you get to disagree with me?"

"cause i'm a girl!" she says, taking the whole granola bar into her mouth. "and your a boy, so your stinky and your wrong".

"alright haeun" ricky chuckles, shaking his head. "okay, so i'm wrong then, i didn't bleach my hair".

"so you're just old?" she asks, looking at him like he's some sort of crazy person.

"all old people have white hair, i'm guessing".

haeun nods in agreement, and she gets so excited she accidentally hits ricky in the face with her tiny hands. ricky doesn't really mind it, though, she's only three, it's all in good fun.

"you want ice cream?" he asks, and haeun's jaw practically drops in shock, she almost jumps out of ricky's arms and he grunts, trying to hold her up so he doesn't fall along with her.

"ice cream!" jimin barges into the room, with a now disoriented and half-melted popsicle in his hands. haeun gasps and actually jumps out of ricky's arms this time, scaring him as he lets out a light squeal.

"who gave you ice cream?" she pouts, as if on cue, y/n walks in with another popsicle in his hand, handing it over to an excited haeun.

"yay! ice cream!"

"why do you look like you just went through hell?" ricky inquires, pointing at the heart and balloon which was painted onto y/n's cheek. in all honesty, he looked pretty cute, but ricky refrained from saying that aloud.

"do you know how long it took me to put minjae to sleep?" he whines. y/n's been working here ever since his freshmen year of high school, new kids always come and go, but the stress of having to put toddlers to sleep never leaves. "he drank way too much chocolate milk in one hour".

y/n literally looks like a parent with the way he's rubbing his temples, ricky giggles as he stares at him, especially with the stupid face paint he has on.

y/n looks up, a steady glare in his eyes which just makes the blonde laugh even harder. "it's not funny".

"you look so stupid".

"i'll punch you, shen".

"not in front of children!"

ricky's favorite thing to do these days is annoy the hell out of y/n, because the way his face scrunches up is adorable, it goes well with his pretty features.

is that a weird thing to think..?

y/n rolls his eyes, punching ricky in the shoulder, which is not what he expected at all, because he helps in surprise. "hey! what the fu—"

"shh! no cursing in front of the children!" y/n immediately fires back, smirking in content.

"that is— you curse all the time!"

"yeah but i have courtesy! not in front of the three years olds!"

ricky hates the fact that y/n looks so pretty as he's playfully yelling at him, especially with that face paint on his cheek.

that's y/n's issue, ricky gets way too distracted by his prettiness.

unconsciously, ricky pokes his cheek, making y/n scowl as he swats his hands away.

"stop touching me".

"can't help myself".

though y/n's glaring, he can't help the laugh that escapes his lips. jimin walks up, tugging y/n's pants, and the boys attention turns to him.

"do you like handsome uncle, y/n?"

y/n chokes on his spit at the questions, and ricky simply blinks, his face turning an abnormal shade of red.

how awkward.

take this spoiler hahaha!!! had to choose which chapter i wanted to specifically spoil and i ended up choosing this one bc why not???

#shen quanrui #ricky shen #zerobaseone #ricky zerobaseone #zb1 ricky #zb1 imagines #zb1 scenarios #zb1 drabbles #ricky imagines #ricky shen x reader

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memestockpile · 2 months

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it happened one night (1934) feel free to change as needed.

can't get a thing done unless you do it yourself.

please. i can't fight on an empty stomach.

i hate businessmen.

you're not being fair, darling.

i come from a long line of stubborn idiots!

nice and gooey. just the way i like it.

in a pig's eye, you will!

you wouldn't know a story if it reached up and kicked you in the pants.

it's going to do you no good, my tough friend.

keep your shirt on, young fella.

what you need is a good sock on the nose.

i'm in a very ugly mood. so if it's just the same to you, scram.

i want to be left alone.

why, you ungrateful brat!

i hated to wake you up.

you needn't concern yourself about me, young man.

you're doing a pretty sloppy job.

if you play your cards right, you might get some money out of it.

i had you pegged right from the start.

i guess it never occured to you to just say, "please, mister, i'm in trouble. will you help me?"

you look like you got class.

the colder they are, the hotter they get.

you bore me to distraction.

if you promise not to snap my head off, i'd like to thank you.

that's none of your business.

you're on a budget from now on.

we're stopping here for the night.

your ego is colossal.

hey, you're kinda little, aren't you?

if you've got any peculiar ideas that i'm interested in you, forget it.

there's a brain behind that face of yours, isn't there?

perhaps you're interested in how a man undresses.

a night's rest will do you good.

you sweet thing, you.

listen, brat. i'm going to count to ten. if you're not out of bed by then, i'm going to yank you out myself.

your hair's cute like that. you should never comb it.

if you don't get out of here, i'll slap that fresh mouth of yours.

one egg, doughnuts, black coffee.

what makes you so disgustingly cheerful this morning?

i've always been told what to do and how to do it and where and with whom.

this is the first time i've ever been alone with a man!

dunking's an art. don't let it soak so long. a dip and plop, into your mouth.

i ought to write a book about it.

come here, you little fool!

you don't have to lose your temper!

no mushy stuff.

that's better. you're all right, now.

going without food is bad business, son.

we're right in the middle of nowhere.

i can use a smart guy like you.

i was never built for these moonlight strolls.

i wish you'd stop being playful.

this is the first time i've ridden piggyback in years.

you can't be hungry and scared at the same time. if you're scared, it scares the hunger out of you.

you're becoming terribly disagreeable lately.

holy jumping catfish!

you've had a lot of men crazy about you, haven't you?

the world's full of people like you. don't know what they want.

life's swell if you don't try too hard.

i wish you wouldn't talk too much.

young people in love are never hungry.

if you do, i'll break your neck.

haven't slept one night this week.

have you ever been in love?

those are the only places to live. where the stars are so close over your head that you feel you could reach right up and stir them around.

better go back to your bed.

get me a drink and make sure nobody disturbs me for half an hour.

i haven't been shot at for days.

you know i've always liked you.

i need a thousand dollars.

i wouldn't trust you as far as i could throw that desk.

so long, kid. and good luck.

get me a doctor. i'm about to have a nervous breakdown.

certainly gave us a run for our money.

the thought of it makes me shudder.

if you'll do what i tell you, perhaps i might develop a little respect for you.

you thought that up all by yourself, huh?

i hope he breaks his leg.

still in the dumps?

i wouldn't hurt you for the world. you know that.

i knew there was something on your mind.

i've been such a burden to you.

i want our life to be full of excitement.

you're a peculiar chap.

this is a matter of principle. something you probably wouldn't understand.

that's an evasion.

you're a sucker to go through with this.

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meekswillinherittheearth · 5 months

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What the Poets are like in my DR!

this is a response to this ask! hope you enjoy!! posting it a bit earlier than originally intended bc i couldn't take the anticipation anymore :)

Neil Perry

my found family brother!!

always looking out for me

he was the first person i met when i started at Welton

we do bicker like siblings but it's okay

i love going to his plays, watching him perform is so much fun and he is so happy

seeing him like that is enough to heal the soul

we share books a lot

i do his stage makeup!

he makes the strangest little sounds sometimes

it will be dead silent and he'll make a silly little squeaky sound

always joins me and my dad (mr keating) for family time

Todd Anderson

he's so sweet and caring

he can be very sarcastic though

insert the "the one with the buck teeth?" situation 😭

he's super funny without trying to

we're both super anxious and it's nice to have someone around who understands that

amazing hugs!! not often, but they are healing

that time i was having a really stressful day and he hugged me and i immediately cried

he can be insecure about his relationships with people because he thinks people don't wanna be around him and just hang out with him out of pity

he needs reassurance but refuses to act for it

really good at painting! i got him watercolors for his birthday <3

he deserves everything. if i could give you the moon i would todd bb

Charlie Dalton

outrageous drama queen

he loves dancing

never said he was good at it though!

it's mostly just twirling

flirts with you to antagonize you but only if you tell him it's okay, he would never wanna make someone uncomfortable <3

my number 1 supporter since forever

superrrr competitive

can and will turn anything into a competition

massive cheesy nerd but denies it adamantly

he cares about his friends more than anything

very very affectionate

wants to be touching someone at all times

his love language is 1000% touch

very talented at music, he can play guitar, sax and a little bit of drums

doesn't sing often but definitely can

hates studying, not because he doesn't care about his education, but because it's not stimulating enough for his brain and he gets distracted really easily

i've said it once and i'll say it again, he is EVERYONES BIGGEST CHEERLEADER!!!

we're polar opposites but will match energy when needed

knows when to be hyperactive and when to be chill and quiet

sarcastic, always being a little shit

"hey charlie, will you pass me that?" "um, no" as he's passing it to you type of thing

gets me out of my shell, which i appreciate so much <3

i really benefit from the confidence he gives me and he likes being around someone who doesn't expect him to be going at a million miles an hour all the time

Knox Overstreet

my gossip buddy!

when we're bored we sit and people watch and make up life stories for the people we see

he has the silliest, most giggle

can and will lift you up

on his shoulders, picking you up and spinning you around, no matter what, it will happen

i watched him pick Charlie up and shake him and nearly peed myself laughing

very platonically affectionate, like little cheek kisses and stuff

it's his way of showing gratitude

hes also pretty sensitive and emotional

he read pride and prejudice and cried his eyes out

type of guy to kick his feet and giggle while twirling his hair

Gerard Pitts

hits his head off things at least once a day

so long and gangly and strange

like those things at car dealerships (affectionate)

he's so sarcastic and goofy

we always gang up on Charlie when he does/says something stupid

he takes his grades very seriously

but he isn't a stick in the mud about it

loves music so much

its one of the main things i hear him talk about

finds and keeps cool rocks

gives them to people when they're having a rough day

penguin behavior tbh

he is just a silly guy!

Steven Meeks

this is gonna be a long one, buckle up lovelies

we met and instantly clicked

inconsolably sweet, all the time

also kind of a chronic people pleaser but we're working on it okay!

we both have an affinity for latin

we have secret conversations in latin sometimes <3

about a week after we first met he asked Charlie if I was dating anyone but made him promise not to tell me (which didn't last long)

when we met i complimented his glasses and he blushed and went "thank you, i need them to see. i like your freckles."

he did not realize how hilarious of a response that was until later

falling asleep on his shoulder when we're up late studying <3

GETTING PRINCESS CARRIED!!!!!

he always wants to carry me places. who needs legs honestly

flustering him is so easy and i love to do it because it's so funny

trying to teach him how to dance and he trips over his own feet

he has the softest most beautiful curls ever

tiny little ringlets by his ears!! my heart is melting!!!!

and his eyes.... cut the cameras

hes so pretty

him laying in my lap while i read to him

leaving lipstick all over his face and him not realizing.... the literal cutest

he is always the first one I run to when I get off stage after a recital (they all come to my ballet recitals in my dr)

us always getting caught staring at each other <3

writing poetry for each other!!!!

his love language is acts of service and quality time

his glasses are somehow constantly fogging up

he always offers me his sweater/coat/jacket when i'm chilly

my love im kicking my feet and giggling writing about him

he feels like the song 'let the light in' by lana del rey

#📖. asks #shiftblr #shifting #shifting realities #dead poets society #dps fandom #dps #steven meeks #neil perry #todd anderson #charlie dalton #gerard pitts #knox overstreet #this was so fun to do

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kibasniper111 · 3 months

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i think i'll also use this blog as just a place to put down some headcanons or ideas because i just finished reading the final chapter of higu meguri, and boy, oh, boy, and i mad at how it just gutted itself and need to distract myself. (don't read it. just don't. it takes everything that was interesting from the anime and makes it ten morbillion times worse.)

so, before i was shadowbanned, i had an ask from around summer '22 asking for some camper headcanons! and i had a massive google doc for it, but i never ended up finishing it because of life stuff, so to not let it go to waste, here's a handful of them below the cut! it goes through each camper who i had written up to at that point, and i haven't touched the doc since spring '23 because of, you guessed it, life stuff.

well, hope you guys enjoy because i need to get my mind off this atrocious ending lol. i'm copying and pasting which ones stand out to me, and this might get a bit long. for context, i do consider key aspects from campster as part my personal headcanons such as the ranking system, comments the kids make to each other or about themselves, listed likes/favorite media, etc! campster might be considered non-canon, but it holds a wealth of knowledge about the kids that the game can't touch on, like benny's love of musicals and elka's entire family history! (please excuse any spelling mistakes - this is already long enough lol)

Benny

Although he is a Tender Brain, Benny doesn’t mind being one of the weaker psychics, so long as he’s safe. While he is concerned that makes him a target, especially when Maloof gains power with Mikhail, he’s more content to hide behind others or immediately latch on to the person with power (even if it means struggling to canoe himself to Thorney Towers to beg the coach for a job offer and coming back in shame when it doesn’t happen).

He focuses so heavily on Bobby because Bobby is like a bodyguard. Benny is able to bully and demean others for the fun of it because he has Bobby’s protection (despite Bobby’s exasperation with his flunky’s excessive behavior).

But he isn’t exactly friends with Bobby. He clings to Bobby because Bobby is, at one point, the person with the most power. Bobby is brash and bold, and Benny enjoys his cruelty because it provides him the opportunity to mock the weaker kids. He’s quick to express his annoyance when Bobby begins showing an interest in Chloe, a kid who provided a genuine interest in Bobby, even if based on a misconception. If Bobby is away, then he has to find someone new to suck up to stay safe, hence why he’s sitting between Maloof and Mikhail at the end - they made him an offer he couldn’t refuse when he found himself isolated.

He’s very much a scared kid. He hates being alone. I like to think he found comfort in the extravagant world of musical theater. Not because his parents are neglectful - his parents are perfectly fine and provide for him and love him - but because musicals show this beautiful side of the world. Dancing, singing, colorful costumes, romance, and drama, it’s the likes of which that draw him in. He tries to write his own scripts as a kid, refining them as he gets older.

Benny grows up to be the Media Relations Officer for the Psychonauts. Although still a pretty weak psychic, he’s got a good head on his shoulders. He’s very persuasive and able to get in a good word about psychics in various types of media such as television and movies - though, he does try to squeak his own script edits in order to get credited, and it’s worked quite a few times! He’s dined with celebrities and socialites, and he wouldn’t change it for the world. Champagne is on him! Now, listen to him talk for two hours about his latest idea for a musical. He’ll be in the director’s chair one day! You can’t leave, of course, it’s just plain courteous to stay!

Although his lyrics could use work as a kid, he becomes a very skilled pianist. He found it a great hobby when he was growing up, and his mom enrolled him in after-school lessons. He prefers upbeat, high-energy songs, but he can appreciate a good melancholy vibe.

He is THE biggest Gloria Von Gouton fan. If Raz had mentioned he met her, Benny would have caught him by the shoulders and seethed, “You met Ms. Von Gouton, and you didn’t think to mention that first?” Raz would’ve been dumbfounded but replied, “Uh, yeah? She threatened me with her trophy.” “And you deserved it!” Benny would scream. Instead of fleeing to join Oleander, he would have jumped in a canoe and row all the way over there to get her autograph AND tell her that her critics were WRONG.

Bobby (content warning for child abuse and child neglect)

Drywell is a total dump. It’s not even on a map. It’s an area where no one should really live, and yet, this is Bobby’s home. Cruel people, hardly sustainable, trash everywhere. He’s learned how to protect himself by trying to be the toughest in this environment, but in the end, he’s the one burned. There’s no one in Drywell who respects him, making him the perfect target for other bullies and horrible kids. He’s the circus freak here. It’s also an area plagued with social issues.

He’s been in and out of foster care and his mother’s care. No one seems to want him around, and he grows more violent because he’s miserable, and if he’s miserable, everyone else should be. He wants to laugh at their pain and ignore his own. It’s a terrible coping skill, one which he relishes at camp.

Neglect from his mother has caused significant dental erosion, no haircuts, poor clothing, malnutrition, poor eating habits/not having enough to eat etc. Neglect from his foster families has left him jaded. There are too many people who came into his life with the name “Dad,” and almost just as many with the name “Mom,” but they’ve all since blurred together.

He was friends with Lili for a time when she first came to camp. He thought she was really cool, and he liked making her laugh, but they’d grown apart after an incident with Sasha’s training.

Chloe shows a genuine interest in him, even if it’s based on the misconception that his appearance stems from an alien heritage. He’s never had someone show such kindness to him, although it’s based on a firm agreement that she will be his friend so long as he stops hurting kids. This does work because he really begins to care for Chloe and manage his temper. In return, she grows fond of him because Bobby truly believes she’s an alien and listens to her. He even starts making up information about his life as an ambassador from Fath 703 because he sees how happy it makes her. They have fun together talking about space, working together in class, and he helps drawing her star maps because he’s a really good artist! (The artist headcanon stems from a discussion in the Psychowhatsis discord btw!)

He tends to cling to her. Trauma victims may latch onto someone who they believe is important in their lives. For Bobby, this is Chloe. Despite the short span of time they’ve known each other, she’s become an integral figure. He doesn’t want to lose her friendship, so he walks on eggshells around her. His jealousy and anger issues do exasperate Chloe, but he does try curbing them like when Raz punches him, he doesn’t punch back, sighs, and says he’ll kill Raz later. If she thinks he can be a better person, he really wants to try for her because she’s his best friend.

When he and Chloe are both Psychonauts, they go on missions together! Lots of fun times to be had there. They work closely on experiments with Bobby being more of an all-around agent and Chloe specializing in science, astrophysics, etc. Sometimes, he’s her guinea pig for whatever she’s cooking and occasionally lands in the ER because of it. She is so very sorry for messing up the cloning process with him a la The Fly, and he didn’t talk to her for days.

While he is also a solo field agent, mostly working undercover in the psychic underbelly of society, he really likes working with teens who were in the same boat as him. He knows exactly what it’s like to feel like it’s the end of the world, so he wants to use his position as a way to lift up those hopeless teens.

He noogied Chloe the millisecond he saw that she finally joined the intern program. An omg bestie moment.

He loves football. He’s the type who will stand in the doorway and watch if his team is losing. “Chloe, did the Raiders do it?” “Unfortunately, they didn’t make the touchdown.” (He screams.) “We have neighbors please stop yelling.” “Sorry.”

That video where the two guys are shocked when the girl takes off her fake eyelashes are him, Benny, and Chloe. “Do they hurt??” he asks, and she’s laughing.

oh fuck uhhh bobbyraz uhhhh he has internalized homophobia, but mostly deals with it, and when he's an adult, he finally comes out of the closet. too bad kitty is trying to shove him back in but raz has already grabbed his hand to welcome him to the bi boys club, and now they're doing the magnet post and kitty hates it because that's for gay girls only!!!!! (i'm /j but also /srs but also /j)

and MIRTALA that's her boo-boo right there. her metamour. they're both dating chloe, so they have metamour outings like sneaking into the movies lol.

Chloe

Specifically, Chloe believes she’s from Cygnus A, a radio galaxy. It’s why she’s using the coach’s radio in hopes of reaching her people. She refers to herself as a Cygnan and created her own language (believing the words, letters, etc, came from her people). She’s taught it to a few other people, but Bobby is the one who memorized everything. This also becomes a great secret way for them to communicate at camp for privacy or on missions. (When they argue, they sound like this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EZdwSugMuO4) (also adding mirtala to this in general because chloetala realness etc etc)

Chloe’s parents really do love her. While they are sometimes hurt that Chloe rejects them, citing that they’re not her “real” parents, they try as much as they can to support her. They’re possibly the oldest parents out of the cadets’ families, but that certainly doesn’t lessen the love they have for her. They try to get her as many books, research materials, etc, as they can because they treasure seeing her smile and reaching her goals.

Eventually, when Chloe comes to terms that she isn’t an alien as a teen, she fears that she has hurt her parents by shunning them throughout her childhood. They reassure her this isn’t the case, and she’s able to form a much stronger bond with them.

Chloe’s built her identity around being an alien. While she is studious and interested in all aspects of culture, both human and alien, she finds the cracks forming in herself when she’s made to realize that she made up an elaborate lie for herself. She briefly tries then to be someone she’s not - a “human” without her various quirks or interests, but quickly realizes through the help of her friends that she’s always been Chloe no matter what, alien interests and all.

Relationships astound and fascinate her. She wants to examine them, which is why she loves reality tv. The trashier, the better! Girls yelling over a man who really isn’t shit? Fascinating! She’s crushed when Lili explains that reality tv isn’t a real emulation of reality.

She believed she’d be very tall as an adult because “my people are naturally taller than humans.” She’s average height, and she’s pissed. She will seek areas to be taller. Bobby’s shoulders. A chair. Blasting herself into space to be taller than all of humanity (though she’s also in a rocket because her dream has been and will always be to get to space!)

While she’s so delighted to be in space as an adult, being up there for long stretches of time can bum her out if she doesn’t have her friends. It’s still her dream to bring her friends up there! (And she sometimes is up there for too long that she forgets how to be human when she returns to orbit i.e. holding up objects in the air, letting them go, and forgetting gravity is a thing.)

Chloe is very confident and eager. She’ll talk someone’s ear off with her passion projects, but this is done on *her* time. Distractions or irritants earn her ire, and she’ll dismiss the person in a way that can be construed as rude. Although she doesn’t mean to be, her sometimes blunt personality can make her unlikeable among different kids.

But Lili appreciates this fact in her. Chloe doesn’t try to hide information or secrets. She isn’t one to let bygones be bygones. She’ll seek out the answer, move forward with her research, or just happily pursue her current interest like trying out different things such as painting nails or learning about the “human make-up industry that seems to ensnare girls as young as ten to cover their faces with colorful products!” (This is a nod to sincerelymendacious’ fic Painting Stars on Your Thumb! It’s an excellent Lili & Chloe piece.)

She’s a little engineer! I like to think she’s made a ton of machines at home. Her parents are super impressed! She’s been building, crafting, and making blueprints as soon as she could. Her room is covered wall to wall with her star maps and invention ideas, and her shelves are filled with (safe) tools and (also safe) mechanisms she’s made under her parents’ supervision. She’s on the neighborhood watch list because sometimes when she goes out and tests them, things do not go to plan, and she miiight have to apologize for sending a bottle rocket into Mrs. Thompson’s window (again).

But when she’s too engrossed in her work, she tends to lose track of time. It’s more of a prominent issue when she’s an adult. She’ll develop tunnel vision when focusing too heavily on a project, mission, etc. She might go a little…stir crazy. One time, she lost track of time so badly that two days had gone by without a wink of sleep, and when Milka pointed it out, she fell asleep on the spot in the Yamcha death pose.

On a sillier note, this makes her a bit of an energy drink guzzler. Bobby has come across her in a Mountain Dew haze while making what can only be described as a pseudo-time-splitter atom-crasher, and she crashed five seconds after offering to let him try it. While she once used a spray bottle to make him stop bullying kids, it was his turn to use it on her.

https://twitter.com/KibaSniper/status/1479028936105361408 ngl i just really like this thread i wrote about the negative aspects she causes with her friendship with bobby.

Chops

For starters, he and Lili used to be an item! Last year (one year before the events of PN1), they dated but decided to stay as friends. They’re really firm in that regard, and they’re also pen pals. He still flirts with her a little, but it’s in good nature. Lili thinks he’s fun and charming, and he cracks great jokes! (Again, I recommend the works of sincerelymendacious and the art of the-laughing-lunatic on dA, who has other nice PN artwork!)

He has a talent for psychic boxing, but he is strictly a pacifist. He isn’t afraid of arguing, and he hates when someone (like Elka) tries to talk down to him, but physically fighting isn’t for him. Chops’ talent for psychic boxing comes from his own physicality and his psychic specialty of PSI punches improving to where he can attack with a flurry of PSI punches while standing still. Yes, just like in JJBA. He thinks he looks so cool doing it.

He loves hockey! He’s a super-talented goalie. Nothing gets by him! If he has to get physical, it’s in the hockey rink! He loves ice skating, too. He even taught JT how to do it during the winter session at Whispering Rock.

His parents are divorced, and he lives with his father. His parents have a good friendship and joint custody. Chops would say they’re probably closer that way, too, since they split really amicably. (Just fell out of love, nothing bad!) He has a few older siblings and gets along really well with them. He’s the baby of the bunch tho! (He also gets along well with his step-parents.)

Music is also one of his many passions. When he sets his mind on learning something, he focuses on it. Playing his acoustic is so calming to him, especially when he’s with JT. The quieter, calmer moments are what he strives for when he can listen and enjoy the time with his friend and their song.

At the same time, he really does not like Phoebe and Quentin’s music. He claims it has no rhythm. This has led to a little bit of a playful, non-harmful rivalry with Quentin. He did try to play with the Levitators, but Phoebe had a flare-up when JT skipped again, so he decided to ditch the band when she almost ignited him. This headcanon comes from the PN strategy guide which states twice the Whispering Rockers have bad music lol.

His negative traits are issues of jealousy brought on by feeling ignored or ghosted. He isn’t one to hate someone - only when they’ve shown their nasty colors. When Elka dragged him aside and flatly told him that he couldn’t be friends with JT, it was too much for him, and he let his anger show quietly. He doesn’t raise his voice (but he will online!) because he doesn’t like arguing, but he will make his point known.

In general, he loves sports! He loves watching big games, especially hockey. His dad made sure he was athletic - a trait he shares with Mikhail! If only Mikhail would stop asking him to wrestle, they’d get along way better. He does like chilling while Mikhail wrestles bears. He provides great background music (or backup if Mikhail gets overwhelmed with his boxing skills!)

Separately, he and his dad go on a ton of hikes together. His dad works as an advisor for college teams, but he always prioritizes his son. Through that, he was able to meet a few hockey idols! Alternatively, his mom is a conservationist. She’s usually on the move, so while she doesn’t see him as often as she’d like, she loves her son so much! She always goes to his hockey games!

She was also the one who encouraged him to pick up the guitar! She’d play for him when he was little, and he picked it up so easily. When they’re together, they have little jam sessions.

As for his future, I like to imagine he tried the intern program and decided it wasn’t for him. It’s a lot of cerebral work, and he decided the life of a Psychonaut wasn’t in him, but he honed his skills to a near-professional level. He wants a creative path for adulthood, so his teenage years are spent kind of like how he spent his youth, just with more dating and mingling - maybe even reconnecting with Lili?

Clem (content warning for child abuse)

Clem’s relationship with both of his parents is incredibly strained. While his father is much crueler, preferring insults whenever Clem messes up, his mother will passively observe, not stepping in unless she needs something from her husband. Sometimes, she regards Clem negatively if her husband is stressing her. Because of their distance, Clem tends to give everyone a wide berth and stays secretive for his own protection. His mother is a victim, too, but she’s been verbally beaten down by her husband, and divorce is not an option.

He masks his true emotions under layers of false happiness. While he is kind - to a degree - his mask sometimes slips. He is easily annoyed by bullies or weaker kids. His smile will drop, and he’ll remark rather bitingly, especially toward those who don’t physically harm him such as Kitty extracting arrowheads or Maloof trying to strongarm him into accepting his protection services.

Like Bobby and Crystal, he has insomnia. For him, his thoughts keep him awake at night. He’ll think himself into circles until he can’t get out of them or he’s so exhausted, his brain mercifully shuts off.

But he isn’t always doom and gloom. He does want to try to make friends, and he does have a few good companions. He does like listening to JT and Chops play their music, preferring it over the music from Phoebe and Quentin. It’s something Chops certainly agrees with! Clem wishes he could learn harmonica but can’t because of his teeth.

I think what people forget about Clem is that he is very analytical. Unlike Crystal, he sees the world as half-empty. Although coping with humor and sarcasm, if his buttons are pushed too far, he will say the intentions of the other person in rather sharp detail. An incident that I wanted to explore was Bobby attempting to apologize for his previous bullying when they’re older, which Clem initially takes as another chance of bullying. To that, he bluntly surmises that Bobby is trying to find some absolution from “the kid you used to kick when he was down,” a way to soothe other the guilt in his mind, and Clem will not grant it. He is bitter. He isn’t one to forgive as easily as many would believe when he’s sixteen and digging himself into a deeper isolated hole.

But back to how he is as a kid! As the oldest Tender Brain, his psychic abilities are stunted due to the negativity he endures at home. When he was younger, he explored them in secret, but his father was horrified to find out he was psychic. He didn’t want a damn psychic for a kid, and he makes that fact known. His mother is too worn down to defend him, and Clem understands why. He’s wise for his age, and it startles her when he says something that sounds so grown up. Clem has learned to keep those thoughts to himself to not upset her.

He’s also decently athletic. He can run fast, and if he had control over his levitation ball, he’d probably win Milla’s race all the time. Clem’s energy is surprising despite his insomnia, but it’s because he’s so used to staying up late.

He was pretty surprised when Maloof said all jocks will pay. He decided to stay far, far away from him when he teamed up with Mikhail because hoo boy! He doesn’t want to touch that can of worms! Good thing he’s pretty good at hiding because Maloof remembered how Clem said he was a wuss.

His bond with Crystal is incredibly close, bordering on codependent. From afar, they can sense what the other is feeling. He can tell when her mother is being awful to her. But his telepathy isn’t as skilled, so he can’t reach out to her, and sometimes, there are days when he isn’t allowed to use the phone. He treasures the days they’re at camp and later the intern program because they can be there for each other…even if his mental health declines at the intern program, too. His pessimism, blunt outlook, and his inability to forgive as easily as Crystal begins wearing heavily on both of them. I can see it leading to an argument and mutual exasperation about how the other is handling it. Crystal still tries so hard to please, and he isn’t one for platitudes as a teenager.

For him, overcoming his depression and passive suicidal ideation is a big deal. They’ve been a part of his identity for years. A simple trip into his mind to clean up mental cobwebs isn’t it. It’s months of trying to cope or even finally cry, about the lot in life he had been given. There are people to blame, and he deals with his spite, but for Clem, he really, really just wants to live happily deep down.

Crystal (cw for child abuse)

Regarding her insomnia, her anxiety keeps her awake. She worries about social situations or what tomorrow will bring. She wants to make friends but holds herself back when she’s alone thinking she had presented herself in a way that let herself be mocked like not getting she was being tricked by Bobby.

She’s a people pleaser. She wants to make everyone happy! Because if others are happy, she’s happy, too! It makes her feel connected. Being a member of a group provides a sense of self that she doesn’t get home.

She lives with her mother, older sister, and two younger brothers in a cramped apartment located in a brick building. There is no father. Her mother fawns over her brothers. Her sister often fights with her mother. It’s a chaotic environment with her mother enforcing strict regulations, which her sister tries to break, and her sister also takes her frustration out on Crystal.

In return, Crystal tries to be on her A game at home! All with a smile! (An incredibly strained smile,) She does her homework on time. She does her chores, sometimes without being asked. She keeps out of her mother’s way when she’s ranting and stays in her room, knowing when it’s too much. She just wishes they would stop fighting, just wishes she was anywhere else in the world.

During a moment of high stress, she PSI blasted the couch, her first realization that she is psychic. Her mother is stunned, and her sister remarks she’s like their father (who her mother and sister don’t speak of). Crystal was promptly shipped off to camp at age 8.

Coming off that was one of her happiest memories. She met Clem that summer, bonding with him after a few attempts to coax a kinder response. Clem was surprised by her sincerity, considering he hardly knows anyone genuine at home. They bond over their desire to spread cheer and goodwill, something they lack in their lives. She makes up the routines while he writes the cheers!

She’s very self-critical, but that’s obvious. It stems again from her home life but also because she desperately wants friends. She wants to be included and treated well by her peers. This doesn’t go well either at camp, but to a much worse extent at school. She’s kept at arm's length by popular girls who seek to have her around for a laugh. While she does have friends, she is always putting their needs ahead of her own. Because of that, she fears losing them and cries when she perceives any social faux pas or inadvertently hurting anyone. With emotions in flux, crying is how she copes to release that energy that has been building.

At the same time, she’s very forgiving to a fault. She forgives her bullies time and time again because at least she’ll be close to them again, right? She just has to adjust herself to suit their needs - even if they continue taking advantage of her. This is something that follows her through her teenage years until she learns to make a stand for herself.

To cope with that, I like to imagine she takes to working out. She finds that strengthening her body really does help her mind. It lets her work through her struggles by moving her body, just as cheerleading once did. When she’s active, she’s happy, and through it, she starts to really like herself but also creates boundaries by asserting herself. Getting out in the sunshine is also a way she helps Clem with his bad moods.

She beat Mikhail in arm wrestling at camp, and it confounds him well into adulthood because It Keeps Happening. She keeps winning. The Common Crystal W.

She has a lot of good friends when she’s in her older teens! Chops, Phoebe, Quentin, JT, Elka, and Franke especially! (I see her friendship with Clem on the rocks, but they *do* become good friends again since they’re both at a crossroads in life, and she wants to help him get some good coping skills!)

Crystal/Lili also real. I think Crystal develops a one-sided crush on Lili during her time at camp. She thinks Lili is so cool! She stands up to the bullies with such confidence! She wishes she could be like Lili. Lili can tell Crystal is going through heavy stuff, so she allows herself to be an open source of comfort for Crystal, knowing what it’s like to feel alone. Lili teaches Crystal herbaphony, too.

Dogen

Oh, Dogen, poor Dogen. He doesn’t like to be seen as someone to be pitied. He doesn’t like it when people eye him strangely for his hat or when he mentions blowing up heads. He tries to ignore them when it happens because when he stands up and the situation escalates, heads start to roll.

Puppies and kitties are his favorite. They’re too cute! I like to think his parents kept their end of the deal and got him an adorable cat when he returned from camp. They also had choice words for HQ when Dogen explained to them Oleander’s plot and how he was kidnapped. His mother was NOT happy!!

He’s been friends with Lili since he was really young. Truman and Compton were worried about any trouble, but Lili got along very well with him. She could tell he was a nervous kid, a bit withdrawn, too, so they took things slow in their conversations. Dogen was able to open up to her without feeling like he was being mocked, even though he did believe he was at first. Lili is a very comforting presence in his life, and he’d defend her from anyone saying she’s mean.

But regarding closeness, in addition to Lili, his first friend who makes on his own accord is Raz. Raz isn’t afraid of him, which surprises him. Most of the other camp kids are nice to him, and Quentin is definitely down to do the scavenger hunt together, Raz makes an effort to get to him. For Dogen, it’s a very nice feeling to be wanted, to be acknowledged, not for the fright that he instills.

While Raz and Lili binge True Psychic Tales, he doesn’t care much for them. Sam already told him they’re a bunch of misinformed hoo-hah, so he can’t find it in him to like them. But he *does* like being read to, so when they’re doing their dramatic readings, he’s all ears.

As an adult, he has more control over his emotional outbursts because he’s more aware of what harm he can cause if that anger builds and releases. He’s always wearing a handsome hat, too! Gets the style from gramps (and fashion advice from Elka).

He can nap in the weirdest places. You can find him curled up in a chair in his office or on a nice sofa, but there’s also the off chance he’ll be in a tree among the squirrels. You might even locate him in a cave at camp, its ambiance dark, and you might even trip over him and fall face first in a puddle. Raz knows he has.

Absolutely a sucker for being told stories. Loves Milla’s puppet shows. Love when his sister tells him fairy tales that definitely stray from the original source. He grows up to be a pretty good storyteller in his own right and exchanges stories with Vernon, who I’ll discuss in a bit! (note - i never finished vernon's section. sorry vernon.)

He needed braces since he was a thumb-sucker. He hated wearing them. Sensory nightmare!!

Elka

Elka is the tallest girl when she’s an adult, a headcanon I credit to basic-braining, which made me baffled and laugh the moment I heard about it. She’s putting her hand in the middle, and Clem, Bobby, and Mikhail are putting their hands over hers. Tall Psychics Solidarity. (Bobby and Mikhail are trying so so so sooo hard to claw each other tho, and it doesn’t matter how old they are because they are trying to fucking GET each other!!!!)

She rarely has a bad hair day. She makes sure her hair is always styled to how she wants it, even if she’s feeling lethargic or miserable. But if her hair is bad, then the mental health demons won.

Elka’s backstory was fleshed out in that leaked PN document a few years back, and I subscribe to it. Mabel loves it when Elka starts telling her the awful things that will happen to others. She lives off it. When Elka is much younger, she doesn’t fully get the impact of her words, like, “Their dog will die tomorrow” or “Mrs. Burkowitz will learn she has cancer in three months from now.” But her mother will drum her fingers together and smile in a way that makes Elka think it’s okay to say, and her mother does love her dear Elka so much. They’re like twins in how she dresses Elka.

Barney is wary of his wife’s behavior when Elka gets closer to her canon age. He knows firsthand the exhaustion and depression foresight causes. It wears him down. Only seeing horrible tragedies has left him sullen, a bit cynical, but he makes an effort to appear happy for Elka. Sometimes, it slips, but he loves his daughter tremendously and tries to prepare her for the depths of anguish that will follow when a Doom sees only sorrow.

Her parents are working-class people. Elka’s mom has had a few jobs here and there, and Barney is one of those office worker types. Nothing really interesting happens in their lives except when a vision occurs, and Elka’s foresight is seemingly much stronger than her father’s was when he was a child. This elates her mother, who sees Elka’s visions as gossip and ways to bond with her (and as a way to brighten up her own life), while Barney is fearful of how worse Elka’s visions will get. Mabel is concerned, too, especially when Elka starts feeling the physical attributes (weariness/exhaustion, needing to rest right away, collapsing, falling unconscious, or sitting in a fit of shock), so she does put Elka’s needs above her own when it happens.

But it all culminates to a point when Elka reveals one of them will have an affair. She likes her secrets, but this was too extreme to not say. And when her mother goaded her for it as usual, the color drained from her face when she heard it. Barney was just as shocked, sweating, and they reacted exactly as Elka expected.

This incident is the primary reason why she is obsessed with the idea of her life with Nils. Mabel encouraged her pursuit of Nils when she saw a rare vision of herself being “happy” with him. Although Barney thought it was another omen, Mabel wanted to believe it was nice that Elka saw something fortunate, and Elka clung to it, believing her future is with Nils. Fleeting happiness can be forever. She knows her parents are destined to divorce, but she doesn’t have to repeat their misery.

They divorce when Elka returns from camp. As expected, it comes true. She lives with Mabel and has visitations with Barney. Subsequently, her visions continue to worsen, feeling their effects on a far more physical level that leaves her with, at times, chronic pain and exhaustion. She takes medication to cope with the headaches, ailments, and psychic fatigue, but her prescriptions increase until she’s an adult when her abilities stabilize. Still, she needs them and always will.

Dogen has a cat. Elka has a cat. They bring their cats together when they go on brunch.

oh fuck uhhh elka/kitty/franke uhhhhh they're yuri baby!!!!!!!! i think she still hates kitty's toxic slutch hair dye jobs but puts on a brave face when franke thinks it looks nice.

She likes to go hat shopping with him! He picks out the best ones! “Excuse me, Dogen asked for the discount,” she says, and she will make problems for the retail employee.

Elton

Definitely has an anxiety disorder. He’s skittish to a fault as a kid, but through Milka, he gains a lot of confidence. His connection with her strengthens him, and he’s able to stand up for himself a lot easier through his teen and adult years.

Although anxious, he can be quite blunt. If he doesn’t like something, he’s says it in a way that clearly conveys his annoyance. He might avoid conflict, but he will complain if something keeps agitating him. It does border on passive-aggressive if it really bothers him.

He doesn’t have many memories of his father. He died when Elton was around five, so the few memories are the ones he cherishes. In particular, he remembers that his father gifted him his treasured hat for his fifth birthday. His father took it off his own head and placed it gently on Elton, who never took it off because it smells like the sea he loves and fears.

When his father died, and he learned he drowned at sea, he quickly developed a fear of drowning and hydrophobia. He loves the sea and the creatures within, and he loves calm, lapping waves on the shore. But he definitely doesn’t want to end up like his father, his body never recovered, more likely than not having turned to fish paste.

It’s not a fandom secret anymore that he lives in a brothel. The other women working alongside his mother are incredibly kind to Elton. They treat him with little gifts and trinkets, and through one of them, he learned how to play the accordion. His mother does love it when Elton plays for the girls, clapping along with them while Elton beams. One of the memories he has with his father also was a musical one, in which is father sang a sea shanty to go along with his son’s melody. He remembers his mother was very happy, too.

Because of his circumstances, he really does try to treat girls with respect. He knows his father loved and respected his mom, so the girl he likes deserves that, too. He first fell in love with Lili because of her rebellious, cool attitude, but he never got to know what was under the surface. He tried, but he came off as off-putting. He did her homework, sure, but there wasn’t much of a connection between them. She didn’t want to hang out with him because Elton was awkward, and without meaning to be, kind of clingy. He tried inserting himself in her life way too often without realizing Lili needed her time alone. He took her silent treatment pretty hard, blaming himself for not being good enough and worrying that he hurt her feelings constantly.

The girls cabin is up in arms whenever Elton tried fawning over Lili. Kitty, Franke, and Elka always had a good laugh at Lili and Elton’s expense when he tried “wooing” her. Franke will not let him live down the sexy plant article.

But then there’s Milka! He can’t believe he “reeled in a catch” like her! He was lost at sea, and now he’s found in her arms! Elton is incredibly dramatic about Milka. He wants her to know that she’s the apple of his eye, the brightest star in the sky, the most purple of prose! While they do kiss (a lot), he loves being around her in general. Gossiping with fish, exploring for scavenger hunt items, and even learning invisibility from her, Milka is the best thing to ever happened to him, he’ll say!

He argues with Chloe over whether sea creatures or aliens are better to explore. He insists the sea is better because there’s so much unexplored while humans will never breach alien life. Milka had to physically restrain Chloe. Elton is also not sad that Chloe kicked him out of the spaceship because he never wanted to go.

they never fucking break up. they are at each other's hips all the times as adults. what's weird is that it's not even unhealthy.

Franke

Not initially a bully! She was a shy, clumsy kid before Kitty took an interest in her. Kitty loved her full hair and wanted to help mold her into being someone better than the teased girl wearing pediatric shoes. She might not be the best at insults, but her relationship with Kitty is extremely genuine. She might no longer be shy, but she’s definitely clumsy in both movement and insults.

Based on the cut concept of certain kids roaming around the sanctuary after re-braining, Franke’s identity is currently based on Kitty’s perceptions. She feels lost without Kitty. She’s way different outside of camp, being considerably nicer and less antagonistic but still a bit mean. But at Whispering Rock, she revolves around Kitty, so when Kitty is brainless, she’s in a panic, crying, and really hoping Benny will go the hell away. She is sort of lost without Kitty and unsure of her place in Whispering Rock, so she holds onto Kitty, and Kitty will hold her back because Kitty does cares about her. It is something I wish was kept in the final game since it would’ve shown a really nice difference in how they view their relationship. (Kitty was intended to kind of poke brainless!Franke and meander all, ‘Okay, girlfriend, wake up…’ while Franke was really sad about it.)

While Kitty is a makeup expert, Franke is great with hair! She loves doing all sorts of crazy things to it with Kitty, and Kitty likes styling Franke. Low pigtails, a deep side part, or even a mohawk just for fun!

She lets Kitty do her makeup. She has to wake up early, but it’s worth it to have Kitty’s attention.

I’m not sure if I see Franke as a Psychonaut. I think she’d much prefer a job where she can be creative. I like the idea of a hairstylist for Franke’s occupation. Going to college for a degree in cosmetology, working in the city, going steady with Crystal, etc. She also hangs out a lot with Chops, and they double as wingmen for each other!

And speaking of Chops, he taught her how to play bass! It gets the girls’ attention at house parties. Anyway, here’s Lesbian Wanderwall.

As for her future relationship with Kitty, I do like thinking they end up together. I also like thinking of how they’d stay in contact. If they stay together over the years, Kitty is definitely having her dad fly Franke out for parties and homecomings, etc. Franke and Kitty just want to spend as much time as they can together! And also go shopping and get their nails done.

“You’re telling me a shrimp fried this rice???” she shouts. (Kitty is fumbling for the engagement ring at the restaurant - Elka beats her to it and wins Franke’s hand)

okay i had a bunch of sadder franke headcanons that i don't like anymore so sorry her section is shorter, so here's a few ones off the cuff

she has two gay dads, and she's the number one weed smoker when she's an adult. good for her. good for her. i do think she gets other girlfriends, like if she and kitty are on a break, or they have period where they can't be in contact

the open marriage is very important to her! franke is the one kitty trusts the most, which really touches her. if they ever actually get 'married,' it's mostly because kitty wants a big celebration and throw a party to show off franke, and franke is just awww baaaabe!!!!

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but he’s a doormat of a kid. He prefers to avoid conflict, or if he’s in the thick of it, find the most peaceful solution possible. This, however, leads him to avoid his problems if he can’t find an immediate answer, which is what he did when he was dating Elka. It was better to appease her or hide rather than tell Elka he didn’t want to be in a relationship.

His parents are hardworking cowpokes. They instilled a deep meaning to that term when he was young, so he’s constantly working on the farm at home. He can lasso and hogtie the best farm animals. Handling animals is much easier than people.

He learned he was psychic at a very young age when he was PSI blasting in his crib while throwing a fit. His psychic powers come from his grandmother, who was an outlaw before her untimely death. Before she passed, however, she taught JT how to control his PSI blasts and help curb his temper with target practice on hay, which when JT does at camp, makes him feel closer to Granny Hoofburger.

His ten gallon hat is a family heirloom passed down from Hoofburger family head to their eldest child. JT’s father gvae it to him right before he started camp, tho it was a bit too big for him.

Speaking of camp, he started attending at age 7 before Chops, who came a year after. He mostly kept to himself, rather soft-spoken, which made him a bullying target for Bobby. He did PSI blast him near his feet as a warning shot, so Bobby steered clear of him.

When Chops came, they connected pretty casually. It was nice to connect with him through music, and soon enough, they were fast friends! They opened up new worlds to each other (JT taught him how to lasso a pig, and Chops spent a whole day (accidentally) hitting him with hockey pucks to teach him how to be a better goalie, among other activities).

Chops stays over with JT when it’s time to depart for camp. His mom or dad ships him down to the Hoofburgers a few days in advance, so JT and him have time to horseback ride and herd caddle before it’s time to shove off! JT really treasures these personal moments with his best friend.

He’s polite and kind to a fault, tho excessive compliments will annoy him. If he sees someone sad, it tugs at his heartstrings, and he has to help. When he saw Elka weeping on the bus ride to camp, he sat next to her and offered a friendly ear. His ear was promptly talked off by Elka lamenting her woes, and in the middle of it all, JT was somehow her boyfriend by the end of it.

Like a few other kids, JT was a curious subject in the eyes of Sasha. But he declined on account of the rumors. He saw the results of Bobby’s experience within the walls of the GPC, and he doesn’t want it to happen to him. Sasha tries a few times to convince him, viewing his PSI blast skill particularly keen due to JT being a nonviolent individual, but he ends up shrugging his shoulders. Just another kid wary of him. He’ll try when JT is older and wisened up to the rumors, but he’ll still look after him.

And indeed it happens! When JT goes through the intern program, his mentor is Sasha. JT is flatly smiling at Hollis, and she’s not granting him a mentor swap. But the training is actually far different from he expected - instead of child experimentation, it’s further control over his blasting abilities. And poking around in JT’s mental world via the Brain Tumbler because of course Sasha will do that. It’s invaluable research while also helping JT sort through some mental cobwebs and self-confidence and conflict resolution issues!

Although I see him struggling with internalized homophobia through his youth and teenage years, I think he’d come around to accepting his sexuality after seeing how normalized it is at the Motherlobe.

As for his future, I think a Psychonaut or a settled down cowpoke works for him. While the Psychonauts have experience in therapeutic fields, JT is strictly a field agent. In particular, he uses his cowboy skills to wrangle entities that don’t belong in minds, so he’s commonly placed on teams. But the life of a cowboy with Chops is also fun to imagine, especially with how down-to-earth he is.

His mother taught him how to play the harmonica! It was passed down to her by her mother, and she wanted to teach it to JT the moment he started babbling as a baby. There’s a cute video she keeps showing his friends about tiny tyke JT playing the harmonica (poorly and happily) on his own! He buries his face in his hat when his friends start going “Awww!”

He sometimes spots Milka in the strangest places. It’s surprising, and he’s not sure if it’s a trick of the light. But they live in the same state, and occasionally, he’ll come across her in different towns. There are times when she looks beat, and he tries to be as compassionate as he can since Milka’s been through some hard stuff. (When she had her seizure in the lodge just before canon, it terrified him to bits.) If it’s a friend to just relax with at the local park or supermarket or whatever, he’s fine with looking strange talking to no one there.

He and Milka take care of stray cats when she’s over! Milka has a natural affinity for them, and it rubs off on JT.

Kitty

Kitty is the daughter of a man kicked out of the Navy, who subsequently made it big as a defense lawyer in high-stakes cases. But before his time in the courtroom, she was a Navy brat living from base to base across the world. This was a detriment to her social life as she couldn’t make long-lasting friends nor understand the depths of a solid, strong friendship or relationship.

But the friends (and partners) she made were good during the periods of time when she lived in those different places. She always wanted to be the star of the show, and she was influenced by her father, who rose through the ranks of the Navy (before getting the axe). She saw how he acted, taking charge and ensuring he knew information on others, and took that to heart, so she emulated him to always stay the most stunning, most powerful girl in the room.

Her father showers her with gifts. Expensive jewelry, clothing, perfumes, accessories, limited editions, one of a kind products. You name it; he’s gotten it for his darling daughter. She really is the apple of his eye when he pays attention to her and not his work ventures.

Because of Kitty constantly moving as a kid, her father would have various girlfriends. These relationships weren’t anything special, and the women would try to appeal to Kitty with the same affection her father shows. Kitty just takes their “offerings” and smiles charmingly and promises to chip in with a nice word about the current girl to her father. She never does. Relationships are a lot of work, and she needs to stay on top.

She learned she was psychic purely by accident. She had mistakenly hypnotized a bunch of susceptible kids in her class into doing her bidding when she was seven without realizing it. Her father is also psychic but not as powerful as Kitty. So, when he hears about Whispering Rock, he ships her off to help Kitty control her powers. She, like Bobby, attends Whispering Rock in its opening years five years before canon.

She and Bobby loathe each other. They both hail from vastly different worlds. Kitty knows he’s violent, even as a seven-year-old, so she tries to manipulate him only when necessary. Bobby is quick to her game as they grow up, and his mental walls are far too strong for her to penetrate. However, his expressions show so freely on his face, and she’s already made more friends with the Tender Brains and Psychic Scouts while he has no one in his corner, so he isn’t a threat.

But her first genuine friend came in the form of none other than Lili Zanotto two years later (at this point, Kitty is nine). Lili was far different from the other girls. She was fun and dynamic and bonus points for being the daughter of the Grand Head. Kitty knew she wanted Lili in her court, and she made quick work trying to befriend her…only to see she had already made friends with Bobby. This would start a tumultuous back and forth between Kitty and Bobby over Lili over the summer (who wasn’t having it), and by the end of the summer, after an incident in Sasha’s lab, Lili and Bobby were no longer friends much to Kitty’s delight.

She swooped in and took Lili under her wing after that incident, and she grew to truly care for Lili. She even learned a little herbaphony from Lili. They’d call even after camp, and Kitty would tell her dad to buy her a plane ticket to visit Lili in the west coast from whatever Navy base she was staying at. It was a close, tight friendship…until it wasn’t.

Lili is not a bully. She hates seeing other kids hurt, even if she acts aloof. She didn’t like it when Bobby was picking on kids, and she hates it when Kitty picks on kids. It’s that sense of self-righteousness that earned Kitty’s ire after some time, and realizing she was not making much leeway with Lili and that their friendship had stalled, she cut Lili out suddenly. She stopped talking to her, stopped answering the phone, etc. She dropped Lili like a fly. It hurt Lili, she knows it did, but she’s replaceable.

But the girl who came into Kitty’s life could never be replaceable. Franke was a shy, sweet girl when she came to camp at age nine. Kitty was so charmed by her that she had to take her under her wing just like she did for Lili, but Franke was much more accepting of Kitty. Kitty could tell Franke wanted to impress her, and that earnest behavior, coupled with her genuine kindness and affection, started having Kitty doubt her own ways. She really wanted to make her relationship with Franke work because she saw just how much Franke adored her, and in return, Kitty adored her as well. (Her face is also perfect for kissing, a compliment that would always make Franke blush!)

Lili (this one is long lol)

Child of a recent divorce!! Abandonment issues!! Self-worth issues!! Wants to make friends but feels distanced!! She’s got it all!!

On a serious note, Lili is a fascinating kid. In the first game, we see as far more aloof than she really is. She only starts opening up because Raz has brought a spark back to her life. From the Li-Po doc, there was a lot of pressure seemingly on her to follow in the footsteps of her father, but she would rather garden or talk with the plants. There’s an expectation of greatness placed on Lili because of her lineage, and it’s a deep issue for her. Her name follows her. She’s the daughter of the Grand Head, the grand-neice of a founding member of the Psychonauts. It’s pressure on her to be seen as perfect from certain people like those counselors and teachers at her school or even other agents.

But Lili just wants to be herself. When her father campaigned for the position of Grand Head, Lili was in the limelight. Her family was scrutinized. She was scrutinized. I’d say she was around five, so her earliest memories are feelings of uncertainty and confusion and a little resentment toward these strangers coming after her father and the great-uncle she never knew but kept believing was truly great. It made the Psychonauts feel far more political than it really was because of that mounting pressure faced by her father until he won the election.

As for Lili, she wants to be herself. She doesn’t want to live in her father’s shadow, but she also doesn’t want to disappoint him. She has so many conflicting feelings wrapped up in her head because she loves Truman, but she also wants to explore different possibilities outside of the Psychonauts, feeling as if her life is being planned for her, possibly to even take on the role of Grand Head. She has so many muddled feelings, but she’ll always, always, always love her father and the peaceful times they share together.

Psychic parents trying to win favor with her dad would often offer play dates with their kids. It worked for a bit until Lili realized they didn’t want to be real friends with her. Truman quickly shut that down when he noticed how unhappy was with these “friends” over. It made her wary about new kids in her life in case they or their parents wanted something to do with her dad.

It’s why Whispering Rock was such a haven for her at first. Truman thought it would be the best place to make real connections, choosing that camp personally out of the others due to the counselors present. He believed she’d be safe to meet new kids. Initially, she thought the kids would try to warm up to her to get access to her dad or some “power” of some sorts, but the campers are just very normal, regular kids. Most of them didn’t know she was the daughter of the Grand Head and treated her as average as possible (except Kitty). It was really refreshing at first, and she began opening up.

“Are you talking to me because you want to get my dad?” “Um, no, sorry, miss. I was just wonderin’ if ya wanted to kick around the hackeysack.” Lili quickly realizes making blunt accusations around these kids isn’t the best way to go about it during her first week, and she does apologize to JT for it. She did have fun kicking around that hackeysack with him and Phoebe!

But her first friend would be Bobby. He was a loner, didn’t have friends either, and they hung back in the coach’s class enough together for Lili to start talking to him. He was surprised at first, but hey, someone wants to be his friend? He’s game. For Lili, it’s nice to have someone to talk to and learn more about the silly rumors around camp (like the lake monster).

There’s also Kitty, who really does like Lili, too, and she’s great at applying Lili’s eyeshadow. Shocked the hell out of her dad on parent’s day, but he kept his mouth shut because Lili was beaming as she introduced her two new friends. And she’s slowly making more friends, not as close, but it’s very pleasant to be around these kids (even if she gets annoyed when it’s obvious Kitty and Bobby are bickering over who gets to hang out with her).

Sasha had set up his lab this year, making it also his first time in camp. He tends to look out for Lili, all while offering advanced training to the kids who show exceptional promise. She hides out in his lab when she wants a break, always denying his chance to use the Brain Tumbler on her because “Dad would kill you if anything happened to me.” Sasha keeps claiming it’s safe, and that’s what helps convince Lili to encourage Bobby to try out the advanced training. (Unfortunately, Bobby would blame Lili for the machine going haywire and hurting him, severing their friendship in a very public, very hurtful way. It was a total accident out of Lili’s hands, but Bobby couldn’t see it that way at the time.)

She is able to find comfort in Kitty, who is able to cheer her up. Though, she is able to use a bit of “influence” on Lili when she gets tired of Kitty sneering at the other kids. Soon enough, though, Lili finds herself alone. Kitty has moved on, and Bobby is still pissed at her summers later, and camp leaves a bad taste in her mouth. There are other kids who are nice to her, and she’s friends with them, but Whispering Rock doesn’t have the same charm.

But it isn’t all bad! She does have great friends with Chops and Quentin. Chops was her first boyfriend, and she really liked his humor and music. Quentin was also fun, even if his singing needed so much work. Phoebe was also cool until she started insisting she help with Lili’s “isolation issues.” Lili is sensitive, but she hides it under layers of controlled confidence.

And of course, there’s Dogen! Being that they’re both descendants of founding Psychonauts, she knows Dogen has a different kind of pressure on his shoulders. She thinks he’s a sweet kid, a bit naive, but very genuine in his own way. She might act aloof about him, but she’s still protective of Dogen. (Also, Sam was her babysitter when she was younger! She let Lili watch PG-13 movies.)

She’s aware that Crystal looks up to her, and that Crystal has issues of her own, so she is ready to stand up for her whenever Bobby and Benny try tormenting her. She’d help Clem, too, but she gets the feeling he’d rather be left alone when his smile slips.

So, it’s kind of drab for Lili for a couple of years. Flowers are much preferable than people. And she can’t pick a favorite flower! That’d be far too mean! Different fauna has different feelings, after all.

Which is why Raz was such a spark of life! A breath of fresh air! He brought excitement back to her life, jarring Lili out of a funk that she stewed in for so long. He made her see how fun being a Psychonaut could be, how fun being a psychic can be in general. That adventure in Whispering Rock helped change her worldview, especially now that she had a friend (and boyfriend! Because she’s tough like that, and she wants what she wants, and she looked at Raz and asked, “Is anyone gonna be his girlfriend?” and didn’t wait for an answer.)

But back to Truman, she regrets that their relationship dwindled. She’ll always be his little girl, even if Truman wishes he could always do more for her. But Lili loves him so much! He’s her hero! Just how she looked at him during Hollis’ speech, she adores her father and wants to do right by him after years of blowing off the Psychonauts. I think the end of PN2 really allows them to connect and be together in a way that they hadn’t had for quite some time. I like imagining them taking up gardening in Lili’s private area, especially with Uncle Bob joining them, really giving Lili this feeling that the Zanottos are a family again.

But let’s get some happier headcanons! Chloe and Lili are really tight friends!! When Chloe told Lili that she would want to dissect her least, Lili was very touched. She knows Chloe is human, but she goes along with Chloe’s alien heritage to make her happy. They’re friends over the years, and she appreciates Chloe’s honest, blunt nature, AND Chloe picks out the best eye shadow and nail polish.

Huge Sonic the Hedgehog fan. “But it takes place in the 80s?” Irrelevant. She has the Shadow the Hedgehog gun statue AND the massive Shadow poster from E3 from circa 2000. Never forgave Bobby for erasing her Sonic Adventure Dreamcast data in favor of starting up a new save file for Mortal Kombat Gold. Lili had a level 100 Chao, stats MAXED OUT, and she had never known a harsher loss. She bit him on the shoulder for it, and Milla had to break them up.

She’s able to become friends with Milka, too. She’s dumbfounded when Milka left that scathing message on the bulletin board because she was trying to ignore Elton’s advances. She didn’t want to get involved with someone really clingy (even if Elton didn’t mean to come off that way - he thought he was being nice). She gives Milka a few of her old skirts the next time they’re both in camp because she remembers the one compliment Milka left in that note. Milka thought it was a trick, but after coming to know Raz, Lili opens up more, and in turn, Milka does as well - the girls are gossiping!!!! And sharing hair tips!! I think they’d smugly parade their guys around each other in good fun all “My Elton can navigate several vessels.” “Well, my Raz can part the seas those vessels are on.” “That’s cute. Elton could kill him. “Whoa, uh…” (Elton shocked but enamored face goes here)

I’m of the belief she looks more like her father when she grows up. A stockier frame, a bit on the shorter side, etc. Though, one year for Halloween, she dressed up like her dad, and there were agents genuinely confusing her for him. Truman tried to nudge his paperwork her way, and she was just, “No, Dad.”

When she’s working on her own paperwork as an agent, however, she’s blasting her dark ambient tunes. She focuses better with background noise and lyricless music, something that’s been happening when she was a kid.

Maloof

Karaoke junkie as an adult. He thinks he’s a great singer, and he has a lot of power to make his men clap even when he’s off-key. Only Mikhail has the guts to tell him when his pitch was off.

Still loves cartoons well into his adulthood. He’ll be in his private limo on his way to a meeting, and he’ll have a portable DVD player with the box set of seasons one through three of Spongebob with him. (He will absolutely criticize the newer art style and how bright it is compared to the earliest seasons. Not a fan of plot-driven cartoons btw. They get too preachy for his liking such as when a character goes on a deep, emotional journey to become a better person. Boring! Instead, he prefers a good gag.)

His mother and father were shocked to realize he was psychic. While they aren’t psychic, through their lineage, they realized it was a recessive gene in both of their families. They’ve employed private psychic tutors to help Maloof master his powers, but it wasn’t successful, so they contended to send him to Whispering Rock. It was against his mother’s better judgment, but his father insisted, believing the Psychonauts would be a good fit for him. If anything happened, all Maloof needed to do was call him, and he’d send over a goon to pick him up (and also collect the name of anyone who bothered him.)

With the way his parents raise him - Maloof’s environment is very upper class considering his father is the don of a familial syndicate - Maloof is sheltered. He’s an only child, and his parents don’t plan on having more kids. His extended family is large, and there are many people employed by his parents (whether they’re butlers or hitmen are different matters). He’s shy around new kids, and he’s very comfortable at home. He’s a mama’s boy and the apple of his father’s eye. They simply adore Maloof, who can do no wrong.

In turn, this makes him a crybaby. He’s used to getting what he wants, so in Whispering Rock, where he’s easy pickings, it terrifies him. He doesn’t want to go to Whispering Rock. It’s scary. It’s dark. He heard there’s a lake monster. The kids are mean to him online. But his father reassures him that he’s just a call away, which is what makes Maloof agree. His pop knows Maloof is a smart boy, and Maloof believes that, too.

Maloof is very aware. He knows what his parents do, and he knows about the mafia. His father wanted to prepare him in case anything happened, so he makes sure to never lie to Maloof. He even brings Maloof to meetings with other mafiosos, letting him see how it’s done (but only in places where nothing bad can happen. Neutral zones, that is.) Watching the Godfather with his dad is a fun pastime for them!

He looks up to his parents and emulates his pop. He wants to follow in his footsteps, admiring what he does and how he expands his control. Maloof listens to what he says and repeats them until he understand the depths of their meaning. He also has a pocket dictionary on him, wanting to learn more as well. (The Canolas are experts in extortion, blackmail, and ‘protection services.’)

If there is another camper who he likes aside from Mikhail, it’s Crystal. She was always nice to him, She never picked on him. She let him cry on her shoulder, and sometimes, when he accidentally stumbled upon her crying, he felt terrible because he couldn’t say what she needed to hear. He knows what it’s like to be weak, and he’s aware she has certain issues, so he has Mikhail look after her from a distance to make sure Kitty and Franke leave her alone.

Though, he was frustrated when Crystal gently refused his offer of “self-protection.” He thought it was the perfect plan for her, and it dumbfounded him throughout the rest of camp because he really thought he was about to help her through her problems.

He is one to hold a grudge. He remembers all the times Bobby and Benny punched and kicked and pushed him in the creek. He remembers all the times Kitty and Franke pulled him into the girls’ cabin to dress him up in tutus and force him to wear lipstick. But if there is someone interesting he holds a grudge against, it’s Clem. He thinks Clem is dragging a nice girl like Crystal down. Making matters worse, Clem is a jock, and Maloof isn’t one for sports, being picked last during gym class. It’s a matter of jealousy.

With Mikhail on his side, he has a much, MUCH more enjoyable time at camp. He might only go for the first summer session, but during that month, he’s in charge. He feels so powerful, and there are other kids coming to him for protection or requests. He receives their Dream Fluffs (he has no use for psitanium), and he and Mikhail go out and finish the job.

Per Mikhail’s request, Maloof uses a camcorder and films Mikhail while he wrestles bears. He is sometimes downright petrified to watch him and the bears maul the hell out of each other for sport, and it doesn’t matter how old Maloof is when he’s doing it.

And per Maloof’s request, at camp, Mikhail would read him Russian bedtime stories via their telepathic connection (that Mikhail focuses on; Maloof is as adept yet).

His psychic speciality turns out to be using his shield. I was initially going to say PSI blast, but he has ways to express his frustration through much more expository manners (ordering a goon, giving a deal someone can’t refuse, etc). He has to protect himself, so shielding felt perfect to me.

He grew up in luxury, and he joins in the family business. Though, I also like imagining him at the Psychonauts pulling double duty in an office job to keep his Canola family affairs away from their suspicion. While his father is still calling the shots, he’s trusted Maloof to do the same work as he does, and Maloof is very efficient at it, managing the goons and other associates while expanding their profits.

He and Mikhail are close friends over the years. There have been many partners in Maloof’s life, but Mikhail stayed the longest. Although I also like Mikhail being a Psychonaut (or a professional wrestler), if he stays at Maloof’s righthand man, he’s the only one Maloof fully trusts as his confidante. He can tell Mikhail anything, even if it sometimes earns a hearty laugh if he’s embarrassing himself.

Maloof has great taste in wine and is an excellent cook. There might be people who make his meals, and he can afford the best restaurants, but he likes the smells of the kitchen and preparing his own dishes. It helps him stay grounded.

Somehow, he’s become friends with Benny. At the end of PN, when Benny returned, shunned by Oleander, Maloof made him a deal he can’t refuse: be his “ears” in the camp. Benny quickly accepted, and for that short period of time, even if Benny grated his nerves after a while with his excessive flattery, they bonded over their mutual enjoyment of power. And occasionally, Benny would make him laugh. Mikhail does graduate out of camp soon after, but with Bobby stuck like glue to Chloe, Benny found himself around Maloof, and Maloof had to admit his company was not terrible.

They’re better friends as adults. They’ve both made something for themselves, and Maloof can’t have a karaoke night without Benny, even if they’re making Mikhail’s ears bleed. “Awful. Horrible. I’m calling the cab to go home,” he says during their rendition of Luck Be a Lady.

Mikhail

Misha!! What a fun kid!! A lot of people deem him very serious or lacking depth, but Mikhail has a strong sense of humor and a nobility to him. He dislikes those who pick on the weak, but he hams it up a lot when it comes to making friends. He says how he’s going to wrestle them as a way to befriend people to stay in character as a “villain.” He was really looking forward to that fight with Bobby! He thought it’d be a great challenge!

He was born to a psychic father and a non-psychic mother. He has a few other siblings (an older sister, two younger brothers, and a youngest/toddler sister), and almost all of them are psychic, too, except for the youngest brother and toddler sister. His big sister is in college during canon, but Mikhail gets to wrestle his little bros and lift his baby sister as a form of training his telekinesis.

His father is a carpenter, and his mother is a former politician. She was a local community organizer and stayed that way until the birth of her third child. She wanted more time with her family, so she stepped out of the public spotlight. His oldest sister is following in their mom’s footsteps, so Mikhail doesn’t see much of her since she’s focused heavily on her education.

Because of his parents’ occupations, they instilled a sense of hard work in Mikhail. He believes that hard work will bring about good results. They also want Mikhail to focus on his goals in life. When he became enamored with the world of professional wrestling, his dad laughed and ruffled his hair and said they’d get him the best training out there. His mom likes to drive him to practices and tournaments and support him! (There is a bit of generational wealth in the Bulgakov family, so money isn’t a concern for them.)

His family travels a lot, so Mikhail is very worldly. He has a decent grasp on a few languages. He’s also invested in many sports like hockey, basketball, tetherball, etc, but wrestling will always be his favorite. He loves the idea of building a persona, hyping up a crowd, and going wild in the ring! He hopes to sign autographs one day.

Mikhail loves nature. He is taking pictures of snails and captioning them effervescent. There is so much beauty in the world. Sending dozens of nature photos to his friends. Phoebe scrolls through them, and there is Mikhail in the far distance looking like a mirage in the desert, but he is very distinctively giving a peace sign. (Shout out to Rem for putting the thought of Phoebe waking up to Mikhail’s snail photos in my head)

He loved bears since he was a tiny tot. His mom thought she lost four-year-old Mikhail at the zoo only to SHRIEK when she found him VERY HAPPILY running into the bear exhibit to tussle with some cubs. (“MY MISHA!!! NO!!!”) But they were happy to see him, too!! He feels a kinship with them in how they wrestle and communicate. He forms a zoolingualist bond with them, tho it’s really the only animal he can speak with, not that he minds. The bears back home are always eager to wrestle! Also, they’re chill. He’s taking naps on them. He’s at Whispering Rock, thinking, “Patricia, I’m weary. Mind if I nap?” And Patricia the PSI bear flops over to rest, too, and he’s asleep on top of her back. Ranger Cruller doesn’t know what the hell he’s looking at. He’s also too wary to tell Mikhail to leave the woods because the bears gang up on him.

But when he’s nearing adulthood, he finds himself at a crossroads. There’s so much he wants to do, but he feels suddenly limited. His parents support his choices, and yet, Mikhail doesn’t know which path to take. He wants to be a wrestler. He wants to be a Psychonaut, but the Psychonauts aren’t what he expected throughout his internship. He excels in field missions, but he isn’t the best at the therapeutical angle. I see him pulling double duty as a compromise - being a field agent in addition to a professional wrestler. Sasha and Milla are celebrities, so for me, it makes sense for Mikhail to be one, too, in a very unique way.

As a Whispering Rock camp counselor (he got shipped there because he kept forgetting to fill out his paperwork), Mikhail ran a fight club for the Astal Warriors at Whispering Rock with Bobby when they were both assigned there. Do NOT tell Phoebe, or she’ll make them disband it. Crystal happens upon it, and they freak out (because they’re also drinking a little while supervising the kids duking it out), but she isn’t a narc, and the kids want her to keep it a secret, too

Mikhail, standing tall and proud. “GG.” (Bobby coughing and sputtering) He crouches. “No RE.” (Bobby groaning and struggling to kneel) He grins wide and holds out his hand. “Shake my hand.” (Bobby collapses in the Yamcha pose with a loud OUGH.)

He’s weak to confusion. He knows he’s susceptible to it, so Hollis’ training was modified for him to help strengthen his mental defenses. I think Kitty would try to manipulate him (like doing part of her intern assignments), and it works for a bit, until he’s able to keep her out of his head. He’s not one to rat someone out, but Phoebe was not happy to hear about Kitty’s dealings! He was also disappointed in himself for being such an easy target.

Milka

Milka was born to a mother alone. The father is not in the picture. She does not know the identity of her father, and she doesn’t care to find out. All she knows is that when she asked her mother about her father when she was younger, she started crying. With her face in her hands, she glared at Milka through her fingers, and Milka quickly went invisible. For that, Milka chose to stay quiet and forget he ever existed.

It wasn’t always bad with her mother. Milka remembers times when she could be visible around her. There was her fourth birthday party. There was a small group of kids, and her mom didn’t seem upset. She even smiled. That’s the year Milka got her cat, who, much to Milka’s delight, can see her when she’s invisible, and Milka is later adept at turning her pet invisible.

Definitely a cat person. Has multiple cats over the course of her life. She grieves the passing of each one because she had a close connection with all of them.

I think she crushes hard and fast. This first happened with Quentin, who’s nice to everyone, but he went out of his way to make her feel included. This evoked a special feeling in Milka, the feeling of being wanted, so she started following Quentin via invisibility, hoping to get closer to him (as she would for her mother). But Quentin isn’t interested in romance, already crushing on Kitty, and he’d rather stay as friends. (He was also a bit weirded out by Milka constantly staring at him or lingering without saying a word.) This did upset Milka, fully aware that Kitty was using him, and she set out to use her ability to dump Kitty’s expensive makeup in the lake. And Kitty can’t sue her because there’s no proof she did it.

MIlka isn’t as shy or anxious as she appears. She knows what she wants. She also knows who she wants to be seen by. If she doesn’t want to listen to Vernon’s stories or be caught by him, she’s turning invisible and rushing away. If she wants to eavesdrop, she’ll stand still and be invisible to Elka as she rants about Nils to Crystal, Phoebe, or Dogen. She’s a great lurker, and she likes having control by suddenly reappearing when no one is anticipating her.

Sometimes, it isn’t out of malice. She does prefer staying invisible. It makes her feel comfortable and even wanted. Chloe especially doesn’t mind, believing it’s just part of who Milka is. Milka really appreciates Chloe’s friendship, and they have a strong trust in each other. They can also climb trees really together, with Milka challenging Chloe to contests over who can climb faster or higher, and Chloe isn’t one to say no! (They’re both shocked when Mirtala effortlessly beats them when she comes to camp.)

Milka helped Mirtala see if she was psychic during her time at camp. (Milka did not return to camp a week after PN2, and she met her next year during the first summer session.) While Chloe theorized upon Mirtala’s hidden potential, Milka has more practical solutions such as concentrating really hard on an acorn and trying to move it. She had to stop Mirtala before she could give herself a bad headache when she concentrated way too hard. Mirtala suspects she’s psychic on account that Mirtala always seems to be able to find her general location when she is invisible.

She has the power of foresight, but it’s unstable. They happen very rarely, unlike Elka’s persistent visions (which still come on at random, but at least Elka knows that they are a possibility). When they happen, she has terrible seizures. Her body will flail, and she’ll begin speaking out what is happening (i.e. stating the words that are being said by the person involved in the vision), which sometimes means she’s speaking a different language. She’s later prescribed anticonvulsants.

Her true love really, really, REALLY is Elton. She was convinced it was Quentin, but that fateful vision changed her life. What she saw was pure delight, a future filled with happiness. They were on the sea enacting out Jack and Rose’s moment on the bow. The sea was wide and blue, melting into the sky. It was in that moment Milka understood freedom, the vastness of the world, and joy bursting in her chest. With Elton, she had fallen in love.

And she stated it so bluntly to him. She skipped the dating stage and went right with her loving proclamation. Elton was fast to accept her, too, so they jumped into their relationship with their heads in the clouds, and their eyes set on each other, and they never left.

She has a really gentle relationship with Elton’s mom. She’s a very keen woman, and she can tell that Milka’s home life has been rough. So, she always treats her sweetly. She gifts her things her mother never would. She takes her shopping when she’s come to visit, sometimes across the country. And she never mistreats her, never wants her gone, and Milka feels at home with her and Elton.

MIlka grows up to be one of the best spies for the Psychonauts. Her exterior might seem reserved and shy, but she’s a firecracker. She can trail an enemy for days without them ever realizing she’s right next to him. Milka’s never suffered a single scar with her talent in invisibility. She goes in, stealths about, and returns to the Motherlobe with the needed information. (And then she stalks off to ignore her paperwork or foist it upon a poor intern).

JT helps her out when he can as a kid, but sometimes, she shows up in his family’s barn to chill out. She chats with the stray cats who hang out there, too. The Hoofburgers are aware Milka is around and give her dinner if she wants to stay the night, but sometimes, she leaves without telling them to make it back home. It is worrying for JT, but she insists she’s fine, and they remain good friends.

She keeps her “Jennifer Aniston” hairstyle when she’s older lol.

Mirtala

“But Rose she’s not a camper-” YET!! Right after PN2, my belief is that she wants to go to Whispering Rock. Problem is, she isn’t psychic. While Frazie joins the intern program, Mirtala pleads her case to Oleander of all people. She really wants to meet new kids, especially psychics, having grown up mostly in the shadows of her siblings. While they’re able to connect with others so easily, she isn’t. She’s a bundle of sunshine and energy, but she’s had trouble maintaining friendships because her family is always on the move, so her longest “friends” are her siblings. Oleander sees how camp can help her, deciding it’d also be in her best interest to attend to see if she has any psychic potential laying dormant. Augustus and Donatella agree, though Donatella is more reluctant as she’s worried about the many miles that will be between her and her little Tala. (in addition to this, hollis would like to make amends with donatella for threatening to burn their caravan, so she personally approves of mirtala attending camp for one summer session whenever she can - free of charge! it's an olive branch that donatella does appreciate.)

So, she joins Sasha, Milla, Oleander, Ford, and Lucy to camp the following week after PN2. Mirtala is less than happy to know Ford will be with her Nona, so she made a show of sticking close to her and glaring at "the bacon man” whenever he tried coming close. She hasn’t forgiven Ford for what he did to her family (and she still has a little trouble understanding it all), and it’s going to take a long time for her to warm up to him. In the meantime, she’s glaring at him when Lucy isn’t looking (but Lucy is aware and simply smiles because MIrtala is her sweet little turnip who can do no wrong!)

Mirtala isn’t psychic as a child. To attend classes, the counselors pulled her into their minds using their own abilities. Mirtala, however, breezed through Basic Braining using her acrobatics. She even finished before a few other Tender Brains, much to Oleander’s pleasant shock. She wears her Basic Braining merit badge with pride! He thinks she’s a real promising agent!!

She has a very keen intuition. She seems to know where everyone is just by her gut feeling. Oleander had speculated that she is psychic, setting up with Sasha a secret test to find out if she could sense them, which after a few bits of trial and error, she was able to look in the direction where Oleander was using invisibility. Later findings would note that Mirtala was able to detect Milka, when none of the other kids could. (This is based on how Raz said sibling detection could be a psychic power and on the cut dialogue where Augustus and Donatella send her out to find Nona)

Though, intuition isn’t a psychic ability. Mirtala would later find out she is psychic when she’s an adult, but she’s an incredibly weak one. As in, she can barely levitate, barely lift anything, can only set small things on fire, etc. She has strong headaches if focusing for too long and nosebleeds if she goes overboard. But she uses brief pushes of her powers to help with her acrobatics, such as controlling ribbons of water, as she decides to stay with the circus as the new Prima Donna - though, her mom is still around. (She can go into a state of subconscious control if over-exerted where she has much more technical prowess based on instinct, though this last a short period and only activates if in a flight-or-fight situation.)

At home, she was the peacekeeper among her siblings. She often tried to soothe fights between her older siblings, sometimes utilizing her tears if things were going south. She’s incredibly close with Raz, so it hurt her very hard when he ran away. She blamed herself for getting mad when he fiddled with her tiara during that fateful performance. She puts her feelings secondary when trouble brews among the Aquatos (sibling spats, arguments between Augustus and Raz over psychics, etc), so she keeps practicing her acrobatics to bring smiles to their faces, especially Nona, and keep everyone together.

But at camp, she gains a sense of freedom. She always put her family first. She might’ve been the star, but she stayed quiet and to herself, often overshadowed by the others. (This isn’t meant to come out as neglectful - the Aquatos love Mirtala, but she put them first over herself). At camp, she doesn’t need to worry about anything, and she can be herself and FINALLY make long-lasting friends!!

And speaking of friends, she wants to be everyone’s pal! It makes her an oddball at the camp with cliques. The first kid she met was Bobby, who stayed at camp during the break period (his foster family didn’t want him anymore). He wasn’t nice at first, but Mirtala made it her mission to befriend him…by following him around. She wouldn’t leave! They were the only kids for that weekend, so Mirtala bounced after him and even got to have a tea party with him…after she eagerly went through what happened at the Motherlobe, in which Bobby learned Maligula was her great-aunt (and also she’s that stupid gogglehead’s sister!! Which means he’s also related to Maligula!! Awful!! They even have a powerful psychic in their lineage, so he’s a little jealous and a little fearful because Lucy gives him this knowing smile all, ‘I know you want to be mean to my little turnip, but my sea serpents will SEIZE you if you so much as pinch her.’)

They end up having a tea party together. He’s so thankful no one was at camp while Princess Prima Donna and Boo-Boo the Clown had scones, but he was willing to gossip about the upcoming kids with her, so Mirtala had a good idea of who she’d be dealing with by the time they showed up. She followed after him a lot during their time alone because she wanted him to play with her, and he kept giving in because “FINE!! FINE. just stop JINGLING.” She purposefully jingled her bells more afterward.

“Oh! Boo-Boo! You have that eye condition! It’s, ummmm…heterophobia!” “Yeah, I got heterophobia. What of it?” “I think it’s neat!” (He thinks that’s the actual world until he tells Chloe his condition, and she drops her telescope, wide-eyed.)

As for the other kids, she made an enemy out of Kitty but simultaneously ended her legal reign over the camp. She bumped into her and spilled orange juice all over Kitty’s white cashmere jacket in front of everyone in the lodge during lunch. She was so furious that she SCREAMED, “My dad is going to sue your family until they’re six feet under!” The other kids tried to intervene, but Mirtala wasn’t deterred in the slightest. In fact, she calls Kitty stupid to her face, and the campers lapse into silence.

“You’re stupid! Your dad can’t sue me. I’m a kid. He’d have to sue my parents, but the lawsuit would be thrown ‘cause it’s frivolous. Also, we weren’t looking at each other when we collided ‘cause we were both distracted. That’s negligent on your part, Kitty. The court would throw this case out in a jiffy.”

Kitty is stunned. Franke is stunned. Everyone is stunned. Mirtala frequently listens when Donatella works on any legal paperwork when the Aquatos are sued for mishaps at the circus, so she filed away the lessons her mom imparted. She might not fully get the history with her family, but she learned a lot from Donatella and the legal world. She’ll inherit the circus one day, so it’s on her shoulders to keep it in tiptop legal shape!

This was a catastrophic event for Kitty because it made everyone realize ‘hey, she can’t actually sue us into oblivion no matter what legal jargon she says’ so her arrowhead scalping scheme is tarnished, and no one takes her seriously anymore (unless she’s trying to hypnotize them). And she can’t do ANYTHING about it because Lucy has made it very clear, VERY CLEAR that no harm shall befall her little turnip. (She calls Mirtala ‘Dirty Mirty’ because of the former ‘water curse’ but Mirtala doesn’t take her seriously at all. She calls her smelly right back because “You’re using perfume to hide your BO!”)

Aside from making enemies out of Kitty and Franke, she tried to make tons of friends! Dogen was an obvious friend! He told her what the squirrels were thinking, and she’d use him as a jumping board until he told her to stop messing with his special hat. Sometimes, she’d get bored with him because he isn’t the best conversationalist. Dogen often wandered offin the middle of her performance, and she’d stare at the spot where he stood all >:/. They’re better friends as teens because Dogen is able to come out of his shell a little more.

Mikhail thought she’d be a fun challenge until she said he had really skinny arms all innocently. She crushed his spirit that day, but it was back the next day when he tried sneak attacking her…only for Lucy to get involved. Mikhail was like, “Oh?? Well, I accept your challenge-!” He gets snapped up by a sea serpent. He was left staring gobsmacked at the sky while Mirtala giggled.

As for JT, she thinks he’s cool, which is just as Raz saw him! She kept complimenting him as he practiced his PSI blasts and played his harmonica. I think she’d have a tiny little crush on him, but JT is NOT interested in a relationship, so it fades pretty quickly.

Phoebe was a curious case! Phoebe saw this new kid and wanted to give her therapy. Much to her pleasant surprise, Mirtala accepted! No one accepts because her advice is, hm, decent at the best. When Mirtala goes in-depth about her past, she starts tearing up because it’s been a lot on her shoulders, and Phoebe really tries her best to help Mirtala understand what she’s feeling.

But her most special friend at camp is Chloe! She was so excited to meet her the most because of how Bobby described her. She’s going into the friendship truly believing Chloe is this super smart, super cool alien from another galaxy.

“You’re Chloe!” “I am” “Boo-Boo told me so much about you! Like how you make stuff! And how you’re an alien! That’s so cool!” And Chloe immediately looks at him. He’s stammering something, but she gives her attention back to Mirtala because it seems this creature accepts that she;s an alien, which must mean that Mirtala is also an alien due to her enormous eyes, tiny hands, and characteristics belonging to the Zwickians

They become very good friends!! Mirtala is invested in helping Chloe reach her people, and Chloe wants to learn everything she can about Zwickians, so they spend a ton of time together. Mirtala’s support is something that’s different from Bobby’s. While he’s more passive and accepting to anything Chloe says, Mirtala is quick to offer her own solutions, and her perspective is something Chloe enjoys because it’s a new form of knowledge.

She teaches Chloe acrobatics! Her helmet kind of gets in the way, but Chloe concedes that the earth toxins won’t hurt her if it’s only momentarily, so Mirtala is the first camper to see Chloe’s face up close. Mirtala calls her cute reflexively, and Chloe is pleasantly surprised. They also share hair accessories!!

They’re involved when they’re teens, but it’s mostly casual, kind of like what Franke and Kitty have at camp. Hand-holding, not trying to be serious, like a romantic friendship. The distance is an issue, and sometimes, they have dramatic break-ups because of misunderstanding (Mirtala was so upset when Chloe said she wouldn’t love her if she was a worm!!), but they support each other through thick and thin. Mirtala and Chloe have done the MadoHomu head nuzzling gif. Milka is doesn’t see it because she’s currently doing the MadoHomu head nuzzling gif with Elton.

And speaking of Milka, she, Chloe, and Milka are the weird little girls of Whispering Rock! Causing trouble! Making Kitty mad! Throwing her stuff in the lake while Chloe stands guard!!

Also, she’s friends with Linda! Linda has a special bond with most of the kids who returned to camp. But with Mirtala (and Chloe and Bobby, who she’s deemed powerful alien children), Linda takes them down to explore the depths of Lake Oblongata.

She can roll her r’s really well! She and Benny are experts at it.

She and Chloe have The Bachelor/The Bachelorette nights when they’re grown and living together. Bobby does everything in his power to not be home when they’re watching it because they get intense about the show. Milka occasionally joins!

She might not be a Psychonaut as an adult, but she sometimes tags along to be a distraction with Chloe and Bobby! She has her own circus act with Bobby as her “assistant” (unwilling, help him) while Chloe does her spy stuff.

she and raz are EXTREMELY CLOSE!!!!! do not separate. "i'm raz!" "and i'm tala!" THE BOBBY BOTHERERS.

Oh, Nils, what is there to say about you? Most consider him to be the worst camper due to his “less than savory” ways toward the girls, which is completely understandable. I headcanon him as having grown up in a pretty upper-middle class way. He’s living a very comfortable life, but that doesn’t mean it’s perfect.

His parents had Nils very young, and they married shortly after. They’re in a perpetual honeymoon state, so sometimes, Nils is a bit secondary to them when they want to have fun, BUT that doesn’t mean they don’t love him. They just want to have a lot of date nights, so sometimes, they just aren’t home and leave him with a babysitter.

Nils’ mom can be described as the one meme where the woman says “not now sweatie mommy is cyberbullying.” She likes to have time for herself and go out with her gal pals. As for his dad, he’s very much a Silicon Valley type of guy. He wants Nils to be the best he can be and also try to not get in trouble because he doesn’t want their family to have a bad connotation. It’s a little bit of pressure on Nils, but his dad hopes it will give Nils a greater sense of purpose.

It does not. In fact, it kind of has the opposite effect. Nils’ needs really aren’t met by his parents. It’s not a huge case of neglect compared to Bobby or Milka, but Nils isn’t really getting what he feels he needs, and there’s a rift between himself and his parents. It’s not an unlovable rift, as his parents really are trying to give Nils what they think is best for him, but again, it’s not what he really needs. (To clarify, they do spend time with Nils. They go on vacations and shower Nils with gifts. His mom is involved at his school. His dad brings Nils to his job, but there’s an emptiness inside Nils.)

So, Nils seeks affection outside of his parents. Hence, where his flirtations with girls starts to become more prevalent. He thinks being in a relationship will be great. He’s definitely seen too many R-rated movies, and he has, unfortunately, been influenced by those films. It’s a classic case of “way too young to be seeing this.”

Around the same time, his psychic powers developed. It happened one year before canon, with his power of clairvoyance being a staple of who he is. Seeing how others saw him was a way for Nils to examine himself. He first checked himself through the eyes of his parents, and while he saw himself, he was dressed differently. For his dad, he was in his father’s clothes. For his mom, he was a wealthy businessman, ready to take on the world. They were thinking of his future, instead of his present.

That brings us back to how he seeks affection from others. He isn’t attracted to boys at all, and his feelings for girls are…extensive. He thinks he has to be a casanova to win their heart. He doesn’t want to trample on their feelings, so he goes at them one at a time, hoping to impress them. Most, however, are uninterested or are unaware he wants to date them. Lili and Phoebe rolls their eyes at him. Kitty takes Franke away, etc.

But then, there’s Elka Doom. He thought he hit the jackpot. To Nils, Elka was beautiful. She was sweet, and she liked being around him. She liked holding his hand and giving him kisses. It was the affection he wanted, and he found himself suddenly thrust in the middle of it. It boosted his confidence, thinking this was the way to win over girls (or at least, keep Elka as his summer fling because hey, she might be bossy and snooty, but she’s always giving him a meaningful look.)

So, when Elka hit him with a “so, I’ve seen us married in the future, and we’re destined to be together forever,” it scared the HELL out of him. First of all, Nils was way too young to hear that. He, after all, was only eight. He didn’t want commitment. He wanted fun! He wanted a girlfriend! Not a wife! He broke up with her in a messy way, leading him to realize Elka hadn’t really taken care of his needs. He figured another girlfriend would, leading him to pursue others while she blamed him for the break-up, her cryptic warnings that they would meet constantly still in his head.

Nils doesn’t exactly change his ways as he grows up. His relationships with women are superficial as a teen, but he does have a few good friends. Crystal is always nice to him, and he doesn’t really want to date her after a few years. Clem is chill with him, and his poker face gets so much better as the years go on. Nils ends up losing to him more often than it’s worth to play cards with him. He doesn’t have many close friendships with the teen!campers, but he has friends outside of the Motherlobe and the Psychonauts.

He’s a great surfer! He’s grown up by the beach, so he really likes getting out in the sunshine and hitting the waves.

Like Kitty, he does want to be presentable, so he indulges in high-end clothing. He tries wearing suits as a teen, but people just made fun of him at HQ, so he ditched them for his surfer-esque clothes. Not the best choice in attire to wear in a colder climate!

and i just didn't get to the rest! but i jotted down soe tidbits about them!

Phoebe’s mentor is Morris. She knew him from when she reached out to him to premiere the Firestarters on KLOB a week after PN2.

Both Phoebe and Quentin are DBZ fans are kids. She likes Gohan. She wants to give him therapy so, so, sooo bad.

Phebe takes anti-anxiety medication whenshe's older.

quentin isn't a psychonaut, but he a traveling dj! phoebe joins him for gigs as she chose to become a therapist for the psychonauts

quentin smokes weed as an older teen like that one image of ralsei

d'art is still in that damn outhouse (jk - he's friend with clem and crystal when they happen upon him scurrying through camp, and they all make the mgs ! noise when they see each other)

vernon is a master storyteller, and he's a published author! it's given him a pretty big chip on his shoulder since he proved them all wrong.

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rozieramati · 6 months

Text

10/16/23

i'm up again. i haven't been speaking lately. the house is empty, not that i speak when it's full. they're coming back today. i've been itching to read but have found distractions all around me. i cried. i grieved the past while feeling so much love for it, for the people. i love the people i loved, but i had to let them go. i'm alone. and i'm meeting friends for happy hour this afternoon. there was some big miscommunication yesterday. maybe i expect too much. or maybe he was just a man. he wasn't the one. will anyone ever be the one? i just miss pouring my love into someone. i've had to learn to be careful of doing that. normally i'd pour into a friend, a friend that's a girl. but that always ends the same. everything always ends the same. so i decided to not begin. this time. i was on the brink of trusting last week, but it all became a mess before i could. i saw it in his eyes. the mess.

don't let tears well up if you don't love me. stop putting me on a pedestal. i'm everything you are and less. see me equal. don't get insecure around me. i see myself in you. when the light peaks through the blinds, will you hold my hand in it? i see us on our knees on the green carpet. i hate the green carpet. but i see us there. i see you. i think you try not to see me. it doesn't work. which hurts more. we pluck the strings between us, ready for the blood to drop. i'm ready for the blood to drop. you always stop before we get there. i'm fetal on the floor. you're missing. i'm alone. alone. alone. were you ever there? did i make it up? i don't need you to make the blood drop. i can do it on my own. i gush. i pour into the green carpet. i wish it was you. but it's the green carpet. it's soaking me into its nothingness. you don't see me. i adore the pain. i gargle it in the back of my throat, and inhale it slightly so that it pierces my lungs.

will you see me?

if so, when?

no worries if not.

i'm a body, just like you. flailing limbs trapped in-between ceilings and vertical walls. a butterfly shadowed behind the curtain just now. the curtain covering the window to my outside. my outside. it could be your outside too. stupid. that was too much. i'm sorry. back to the point. we're bodies. i could see you as currency but i don't. i could see you as only the value of your external world but i don't. i just see your body and i feel your effervescence. i bathe in it, then the pain. but in the split moment of your glimmer, i smile. we're just bodies nothing else matters. come love me it'll all be okay. i promise. nothing else matters. no one. not even the complications. we're just bodies. i promise. it'll all be okay.

many worries if not.

i'm seeing someone else. i'm seeing so many else-es but i'm searching for you in them. i cannot find the way. it was supposed to be different. what stopped us? i'll bleed out soon enough. i'll crust into the green, mouth agape, still waiting. all because of the mess i saw in your eyes.

#diary entry

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laurfilijames · 1 year

Text

Love and Hate

Part 2

Pairing: Ryder Harrison x female reader

Words: 3,659

Warnings: Rated E, 18+. Ryder being Ryder. Alcohol consumption. Rough, unprotected intercourse. Swearing.

Summary: Ryder visits you at the bar where you try to ignore him and the things you feel for him, until he forces you to pay attention to what you truly desire.

Part 1

A/N: Ryder is just truly terrible but I can't help myself from writing him and enjoying it ALL TOO MUCH. 🥴 help.

Prompts used for @deanobingo were Ryder Harrison, "Oops", Cleaning up a mess, and Angry sex/make up sex.

---

You had woken up alone that morning, Ryder leaving sometime in the night after getting his fill of you, the sound of his motorcycle purring down the road in the otherwise silent hours registering as nothing more than something in your dreams.

It won't happen again, you told yourself over and over throughout the day, hoping that now you had finally had a taste of the vile man, you would be able to rid yourself of him completely.

Work carried on as usual, and you were thankful to have it as a distraction, aside from the fact that you did a once-over of every man who entered the bar in hopes it was your nasty knight riding in on his noble steed made of steel.

Another hour had passed, and with the help of a rowdy group of rugby players to tend to, you hadn't tortured yourself in looking for the man you didn't want to see.

After delivering another round of pints to the table, you glanced over at the one closest to the door - the one Ryder always sat at - only to see him staring back at you with a wickedly self-satisfied grin on his face, his blue eyes nearly glowing even in the dim light.

His arms were folded across his chest, his legs spread invitingly wide, and he shifted his boot on the floor, appearing amused in having made you completely forget what you were doing.

Managing to break eye contact with him that seemed like a spell, you loaded the empty pint glasses onto your tray and walked back behind the bar, only to see Ryder stand from his chair and strut over in your direction out of the corner of your eye.

You pretended not to notice him perch up on one of the stools across from you, focusing on putting the used glasses in their respective places before working on filling fresh ones as he leaned his arms on the bar top, trying to force your attention on him.

"I'll take one while you're at it," he purred, his voice igniting something devilish in you, and you prayed he couldn't see the way your pulse hammered in your neck.

Swallowing, you found the courage to glance up at him through your lashes, hoping to floor him as much as he did you, only to find yourself even more in a state when he winked at you and licked his lips as he sat straighter on his seat. You couldn't help but stare at the chest hair creeping out over the neck of his shirt, the memory of clawing at it and feeling it against your nipples causing your hand to tremble as you passed an expertly poured beer across to him.

Ryder didn't even say thanks, instead just chuckled as he brought the glass to his lips, watching you over the rim of it as you fetched drinks for some other patrons and walked them to their table, making sure to walk with as much confidence as possible to entice your audience of one.

"Are you pretending like last night didn't happen, then?" he quipped when you returned, earning an annoyed look.

Ignore him, you don't want him, you repeated in your head as you went about your job, your neglect causing an irritation to rise in him.

You stepped out around the bar, going to take the orders from a couple who had just come in, when Ryder slid his hand over your waist to pull you close to him, his other hand finding the round of your bum.

"Don't touch me!" you hissed, prying his thick arms off of you, doing your best to act like his hold didn't set your skin aflame and awaken a poorly buried need in you.

"That's not what you were saying last night," he grunted through gritted teeth, his eyes steely and malicious and holding you on the spot before you blinked and stalked over to the table, greeting your new customers in a happier tone.

After doing a round of your tables, you went back to the bar, only to find that Ryder was still posted up to it, and as you passed him, the loud crash of a glass falling to the floor halted you in your tracks.

"Oops."

Ryder watched as his beer poured steadily out of his tipped-over glass in a stream onto the floor, doing nothing to stop all of it from spilling and clearly in no rush to start cleaning it up.

A slew of curses left your mouth as you leaned your body over the bar to reach for some towels, unknowingly providing Ryder with a view of your waist as your shirt rode up your sides, and crouched down to begin soaking up the mess.

"Fuck, you look good down there," he purred, the malice in his voice making you stop to glare up at him. “I like seeing you on your knees.”

"You did that on purpose?" It came out half as a question, half a conviction, all while knowing it was absolutely true.

He chuckled, standing from the stool so he towered over you, his voice sounding even more menacing than ever.

"Of course I did."

"Fucking prick!" you huffed under your breath, trying not to cause a scene, your hand aggressively moving the already-saturated towel through the spill.

Feeling him glower at you, you focused on your task, only to be interrupted when his voice lowered to a gravelly tone that made your spine tingle.

"Yeah? The same prick you haven't stopped thinking about fucking you since you let me in your house last night."

Not able to deny it, you fisted the cloth in your hand before looking up at him, your expression innocent rather than cross, watching as he relaxed his scowl, his crooked grin revealing the dimples on either side of his cheeks.

"I know you want it again," he challenged, and working against your mind, your body responded to his claim effortlessly; your chest heaving with restrained breaths, your nipples hardening to press uncomfortably against your shirt, your legs squeezing together to allay the ache between them.

Ryder bent down, supporting his upper half by bracing his hands on his knees, able to get his face close to your body. You swallowed thickly, waiting as he hovered beside you, and after a moment, he inhaled deeply, letting out a guttural sound that spiked your arousal even more.

“You didn't even wash me off of you yet," he whispered. "I can still smell my cologne on you.”

You shuddered slightly when he tipped his head so his mouth was beside your ear, his breath fanning over you to create an eruption of goosebumps on your skin.

"That also would mean my cum is still in that sweet pussy of yours."

You couldn't help it; whining pathetically at his crude words despite trying to contain your reaction, knowing it was all completely true and hating that he knew you wanted to keep whatever memory of him on you that you could.

Adding fuel to the fire you wanted extinguished, he kept talking.

"I bet you're soaked right now, wrecking those panties of yours."

He paused, the power behind his own words driving himself mad, biting his lip briefly before proceeding with his inquisition. "You need to stop pretending like it wasn't the best you've ever had, that despite hating me, you want me to ruin you over, and over…"

His voice trailed off, leaving you a writhing mess on the floor, and furiously, you stood up and threw the towel at him, making a bee-line for the employee's bogs behind the bar.

You ran your hands through your hair as you stared at the reflection of an unrecognizable woman in front of you; someone who so easily succumbed to carnal desires at the hands of the most disgraceful man, someone who reduced herself to accepting the most sinful pleasures from the devil himself.

Before you even had a moment to compose yourself, the door flung open, meeting Ryder's searing, blue eyes in the mirror, your gasp of surprise morphing into one of excitement as he stepped into the bathroom, closing the door behind him and flicking the bolt to lock it.

Whipping around to face him, your hands remained behind you, gripping the countertop tightly as he closed the space between and stared you down vehemently.

Your body language did all the talking for you as your words died in your throat; your chest sticking out to entice him, your legs parting slightly in an invitation for him to explore the parts of you you were desperate for him to again.

Leaning into you so you bent further back against the sink, he teased your lips with a quick pass of his - as if testing the waters - chuckling quietly when you attempted to kiss him back, only to miss and get the side of his goatee.

In a fresh wave of anger, you pushed your palms against his chest to try to get him off of you, but the contact of your hands on his warm body tempted you more, setting in motion a force you seemed to have no control over.

Roughly, you grabbed hold of his shaved head with both of your hands, turning his face to you so you could crash your mouth with his, your tongues wildly fighting as you poured your frustrations with yourself out in your kiss.

Ryder slipped his hands up your waist, taking your shirt with them until he uncovered your braless chest and left it gathered unceremoniously above your breasts.

"Look at you, having yourself ready for me again," he growled, his breaths panting as the sight of you worked him up even more. "Don't tell me you didn't have me in mind when you got dressed today."

He captured one of your nipples between his thumb and finger, tugging it until you arched toward him and moaned louder than you intended, the sensation exaggerating the pull in your core almost painfully.

Part of you wanted to knee him in the crotch, but the hunger in his eyes as he twisted your nipple and then brushed the pad of his thumb over it adoringly had the other part of you that wanted him to take it in his mouth winning the battle.

"I fucking hate you," you muttered under your breath while your hands raked up his chest until they caught the edges of his vest and tore it down his arms.

He snickered, the low rumble resounding through him enticing you to get him naked even quicker.

"No you don't. You just hate yourself for liking me so much."

You were more than happy to lift his shirt with the cut-off sleeves up over his head, able to temporarily mask the smug look on his face, only to have the full view of his tattoos and hair thickly covering his torso make your mouth water and your repulsion float away.

It was almost magnetic how your lips drew themselves to his neck, kissing and sucking at the ink that stained his skin, the groan of approval that sang out of him encouraging you to let your hands wander down to his waist to unfasten his belt and trousers.

You cursed how good he smelled; a lethal combination of musky cologne and the linger of sweat and grime from him welding making you act impulsively, your mouth attacking his hot, sticky skin in a frantic pattern.

Once you had tugged his jeans past his plump ass, Ryder gripped your hips and plopped you on top of the sink, his lips curling upward as your tits bounced with the jarring movement. You shoved a hand down his briefs, taking hold of his silky shaft to stroke it until he bucked against you and furiously retaliated by ripping at the button of your jeans.

You alternated lifting each of your bum cheeks to allow him to pull them down your legs, and in his impatience, your thong was left mid-way on your thighs while he got the denim to your ankles, giving him enough room to access you.

Ryder swiped his finger on the inside of your panties to collect the slick that had accumulated there, giving you an approving look as he put it in his mouth and sucked it clean, his eyes closing while he hummed like you were the best thing he'd ever tasted.

The subdued praise made you spread your legs as far apart as your clothing would allow, waiting for him to indulge in you more, and when he finally drove his fingers between your folds, you cried out and threw your head back.

Your hands clawed at his shoulders, using them for support as you lifted your hips to match his thrusts, rolling and grinding against his hand in the perfect rhythm that had you feeling dizzy quicker than you'd care to admit.

The side of your face brushed against his cheek as you worked up to your climax, loving how he knew exactly how to move his fingers in just the right way and with such precise pressure to get you to where you needed to be. Digging your face into his neck, you kissed his searing skin again, closing your eyes as you lost yourself in something you that you hated felt as incredible as it did.

"You disgust me," you whimpered, doing anything you could to repent this sin as you neared your end.

Ryder stroked your g-spot firmly, the heel of his palm rubbing your clit at the same time to push you to the edge, only to stop completely and pull his fingers out of you.

"Keep telling yourself that and maybe you'll believe it, sweetheart," he spoke through gritted teeth, staring your needy, abandoned body down.

Glancing down between his legs, you let out a whimper, watching his oozing cock bob slightly as he shifted his weight on his feet; the need to be fucked by him outweighing any morals you had left.

About to line up to you, but frustrated by the restriction created by your jeans gathered at your ankles, Ryder roughly ripped your shoes off your feet before tugging at the hem of your pants, whisking them from your legs completely. You shimmied your legs in an attempt to rid yourself of your panties as well, your stomach flipping when he grabbed them with his large hand and tore them down to the floor along with everything else.

Using your heels to dig into the backs of his legs, you pulled him toward you, both of you moaning when his engorged head met with your wet entrance, and in the urgency to not look at him anymore in order to help forget who was making you feel this good, you crashed against his mouth again, your lips assaulting his impatiently.

As he pushed inside you, stretching you out in the most deliriously good way, your fingers caught in his hair and pulled hard on the tuft as you quickly worked to roll with his sharp thrusts.

It felt like your mission to make this anything but loving, desperate to dump all your hate for him into your exchange that was nothing but quieting a primal need, simply using him for the only good thing he had to offer. You repeated your dislike for him in your mind like a mantra, but the more he pumped in and out of you - his cock stroking every inch of you in the most intoxicating way - the faster you let go of your lie. You knew you were leaving red scratches on his back and neck, and as your frustration with yourself grew, did your best to show your hate for him despite how well your body was displaying its appreciation.

“Your hair is stupid,” you spat, those being the only words you could formulate that didn't admit how good it felt and how badly you wanted him to fuck you this way all the time.

“What?” he panted, moving his head to look at you, his brows knitted tightly from an equal mix of confusion and effort.

You met his gaze, sinking into those pools of clear blue and no longer feeling as convinced of your affirmations, letting your hands slip from the back of his head to land softly on his rising and falling chest.

“Your hair is stupid. I hate it,” you echoed, blinking slowly as he moved in a more languid tempo.

The corners of his mouth curled upwards in a snarl, and giving you a look that balanced between hate and satisfaction, he growled, “Good.”

You shoved him hard on his pecs, acting as though you wanted him far away from you, all while he slammed into again to fill you completely as you brought your core closer, spreading your legs further to allow him deeper access.

Your disapproval spurred him on, prompting him to fuck you harder than he had yet, bringing out a deranged smile on your face as he wrapped his strong arms around your waist and held you close, his face burying in your neck where he puffed hot breaths onto your dewy skin with each forceful thrust.

The curls on his chest stimulated your nipples, making you sink further into the stupor he put you in, and the way he kissed your throat and sucked the thin skin had you calling his name in praise.

“Fuck, you sound so good saying my name,” he grunted, pounding you with a consistent pace. Unable to stop yourself from letting his name tumble off your lips, you sang it even louder, secretly loving how it sounded and felt on your tongue.

Ryder lifted you from the counter, gripping you tightly and taking over all control as you wrapped your arms and legs around his body securely, your lips attaching to his hot neck to kiss him softer than you'd care to, your quiet mewling in his ear making him chuckle.

“You love this…”

“No!” you whined, but even you couldn't believe it, moving your hips faster so your clit rubbed against the rough hairs on his lower belly.

“Say it.”

His demand sent sparks flying across your skin, igniting the fireworks that he'd built up inside your core.

“No!” you wailed again, still trying to deny it.

He furiously moved within you, pulling all the way out and then slamming back in again to your deepest point, his large hands supporting your weight and holding your ass while he stretched your cheeks apart, the pull it created on your hole forcing you to plunge into the pool of ecstasy.

You cried out, feeling like he was about to split you in two as the most powerful orgasm tore through you, and finally your tongue betrayed you.

“I love this- fuck! I love you-”

The rawest guttural sound rang out of him at your admission, and his teeth scraped over your neck as he bucked into you erratically and emptied his spend in your quivering walls.

You drew out both of your highs by clenching around his cock with pulsing squeezes, your body trembling from pleasure and the rush of knowing what you said, but more so because of not knowing how he would respond to something so insane.

“What did you say?” he whispered, his face close to yours, staring you down with heavy lids and beads of sweat clinging to his features.

“Nothing,” you muttered, casting your own gaze downwards, knowing that if you made contact with his flaming blue eyes you couldn't trust what came out of your mouth next.

Ryder sighed and slipped out of you with a grunt, “Right. Well, that's fine, I'll just make you say it again next time.”

Excitement bloomed in your gut at his promise, and under his careful watch while he tucked himself back into his trousers, you slowly pulled your shirt back in place to cover your breasts. Tearing two tissues out of the dispenser hanging on the wall beside you, you wiped the mess between your legs, the display eliciting a low rumble of appreciation from Ryder as he continued to look you over.

“You're really tainted with me now,” he sneered, the smug satisfaction in his voice making you shake your head and roll your eyes as you stood and redressed your lower half.

“I can't wait to wash you off of me,” you mumbled under your breath, chucking the soiled towels in the bin with disgust.

“That's bullshit. You love it,” he hissed, the accentuation on the word making you glare at him venomously as you brushed past him, purposely knocking his shoulder with yours.

Before you could reach the door, his hand clasped around your wrist, pulling you into him so forcefully that you thudded against his chest; the proximity to him again and his effortless control of you making your heart race.

“I have some business to look after, but leave your door unlocked when you get home. I'll be ‘round later.”

The smile he flashed made your heart leap into your throat, and swallowing thickly as you looked up at him through your lashes, you slipped out of his hold and walked out of the bathroom without a word.

On any normal night, you showered as soon as you got home from a shift, keen to get the smell of cigarettes and stickiness from spilled beer off your skin, but tonight you found yourself hesitating, waiting or hoping for something you wished you weren't.

To add to your indecisiveness, you paced back and forth from your bedroom to your front door countless times, Ryder’s request echoing in your head.

…leave your door unlocked…I'll be ‘round later.

The pressure of your returning arousal pulled between your legs, and with your hand paused on the deadbolt, you dropped it and walked away.

---

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