#for both cases I feel mentally drained and depressed and exhausted

[goldennikko]

TV — huh yunjin

summary : inspired by the song tv by billie eilish

pairing : yunjin x reader

tags : f!reader ; angst ; suicide ; death ; blood ; starving ; depression ; drowning ; arguments ; past abusive relationship

requested: ✘

word count : 3.0k

⚠ please refer to the tags above first and DO NOT PROCEED if you find it triggering ⚠

i don't wanna talk right now

i just wanna watch tv

when yunjin entered the dorm, she was greeted by a voice, but it was not the voice she had been hoping to hear for months. 

not the voice she had been searching for. not the voice she had grown accustomed to hearing when she returned from training. not the voice that brought her such comfort the moment she heard a single syllable of a word spoken to her.

"where have you been?"

the phrase wasn't something she was used to hearing when she got home. at least not from the voice she had been missing. but from this voice, chaewon's reprimanding voice, yunjin was painfully used to it by now.

"out."

yunjin heard chaewon's frustrated sigh but brushed past her leader and went straight to the kitchen. chaewon was fuming as she followed the american, hands being thrown to the side for emphasis.

"this can't keep happening, yunjin!"

"i can do whatever i want, unnie."

people would not have assumed these two fight if they saw them on screen or in public, where they get along as if they were platonic soulmates. however, that was not the case.

this was their usual off-camera conversation. they were always fighting; specifically, chaewon was always scolding yunjin while the latter remained calm. 

but not the calm tone yunjin had previously used.

it was the calm tone that showed she was physically and mentally exhausted, the tone that seemingly screamed she no longer cared, and the tone that indicated she was on the verge of giving up.

"yunjin, please. she—"

before chaewon could finish her sentence, yunjin shot her a warning look as she retrieved a water bottle from the fridge, causing chaewon to bite her tongue to keep herself from lashing out and stopping the unpleasant words that would upset yunjin and make her regret herself from spilling.

yunjin brushed past the short-haired girl, her gaze fixed on the black television screen across the couch.

"i don't want to talk, so please leave me alone."

i'll stay in the pool and drown

so i don't have to watch you leave

yunjin remembered that day like it was yesterday.

it was snowing outside, but the coldness of the outside couldn't compare to how cold your body was becoming as she held you close to her, trying to offer as much warmth as she could. blood sipped through your clothes and her fingers, landing on the cold, hard floor of the restroom.

she wished the blood had been just a drop. she wished the blood was just from your clumsy actions, where you would cut yourself with a knife by accident. she wished you'd smile at her and tell her you were fine and the knife had simply slipped.

she wished your body wasn't losing its heat.

yunjin remembered how you were beginning to slip through her grasp. she could tell how much life was draining from your face by the way it paled from blood loss.

but yunjin didn't want to remember any of it.

yunjin did not want to feel the way she did that day.

yunjin didn't want to see you leave.

the cold water encircled her. yunjin enjoyed the way she drifted deep into the water. she kept her eyes open to keep the images from coming back to her mind and stared at the pool tiles, her breath held in her lungs. 

even so, her efforts were futile because all she could think about was your face, which was starting to get buried deep in her mind due to how long it had been since she last saw it, your warmth, which she was starting to forget due to how long it had been since you touched her, and your comforting smile and calm voice, which didn't fail to help her sleep at night, both of which seemed so far away from her.

you could say this was her attempt to recall how your freckles appeared in the sunlight, how your arms wrapped around her waist from behind with a kiss planted on her bare shoulder, how you smiled and spoke gently to her.

however, just as she was losing consciousness and losing all of her breath, a pair of arms wrapped around her and she was gasping for air in no time as they resurfaced from under the water.

"unnie."

"zuha."

"y/n unnie would hate you for this."

"i know, zuha. i know."

i put on survivor just to watch somebody suffer

yunjin remained in the living room that night while the other members retired to their respective rooms. a blanket, which was actually yours, was wrapped around her shoulders, luring her in with its familiar warmth and scent. survivor, your favorite show, was on television, but she couldn't hear it.

or did she even bother to turn up the volume?

yunjin stared at the television screen, unable to comprehend what was going on. she craved your warmth, and she expected you to spoon her after a long day of training for her and agonizing school for you.

but the only things she felt around her were the couch, the pillows, and your blanket.

tears rolled down her cheeks without her noticing, as if she were dead there on the couch, too numb and exhausted to wipe them away.

maybe i should get some sleep

sinking in the sofa while they all betray each other

yunjin did not get any sleep. 

she spent it sobbing uncontrollably or having nightmares in which she saw your lifeless body on the floor, bleeding from the wrists, and she'd wake up with a start, tears streaming down her cheeks and shivering from the cold and fear from the nightmare.

what's the point of anything?

"yunjin, please. you have to stop this."

yunjin avoided chaewon's gaze as she begged in front of the american, not liking how her friend and member was drowning in depression. sakura, who was watching the action unfold in front of her, sobbed quietly into her fist. 

chaewon was hurt.

sakura was also hurt.

kazuha and eunchae.

everyone was.

aside from yunjin, sakura suffered the most because she treated you as if you were a trainee or a member of the group, even if you weren't. she was the second person to arrive on the scene, having been summoned by yunjin via your phone. she was the one who cried with yunjin on the cold restroom floor that day.

"please let us help, yunjin. we want to help."

but yunjin shook her head stubbornly. "leave me alone. please. i don't need your help."

the unnie line sobbed together in the living room, while kazuha and eunchae remained upstairs, sobbing along with them while holding each other.

after that, when yunjin fell asleep after a long cry with her members, she had a dream about something. it wasn't a nightmare. it was a dream, a memory, so far away that when she awoke, she felt a stronger longing for you and shed more tears of sadness rather than fear.

all of my friends are missing again

that's what happens when you fall in love

"oh, y/n/n, my love~"

"jen?"

yunjin smiled as you gave her a surprised look, frozen in the middle of the living room. she dashed towards you, encircling you in a tight hug. you were surprised to see her home so early, but you hugged her back.

"what are you doing here?"

yunjin pouted at you. "i thought you'd be happy to see me?"

she watched as you frantically shook your head, denying what she had just said, causing her to laugh loudly.

"no, it's not that! i mean, yes—i'm happy! i am! but i thought you were going out with kkura unnie and zuha?"

humming contentedly, yunjin shook her head contentedly and swayed you to the nonexistent music, dipping down to give you a small kiss on the lips, which you returned.

"i want to be with you." yunjin admitted, smiling. "besides, kkura unnie knows her way around seoul, so they'll be fine."

you laughed, albeit in disbelief, at her. "so you abandoned your future members to spend the night with me?"

yunjin kissed your brow once more. "what can i say? i'm completely smitten with you."

"oh, jennifer, shut it."

"it's true!"

you don't have the time, you leave them all behind

you tell yourself "it's fine, you're just in love"

"love, do you believe in reincarnation?"

yunjin perked up as she watched you look around the kitchen for food for your movie night. she hummed in thought before casually shrugging.

"i dunno, baby. it's a great concept." yunjin replied. "do you?"

you nodded. "yeah. i think, the time we have in this life isn't enough, so the idea of reincarnation sounds really good."

"if reincarnation were true, i'd find you again."

there was silence at first and yunjin had no idea what your reaction was because you had your back to her, only freezing, but then you laughed gleefully. you smiled over your shoulders, and she melted because your nose scrunched up so cutely.

"you better, huh yunjin."

"eh. we'll be fine. i'm in love with you in my past life, this life, next life, and the next few ones."

"i love you, too."

if only yunjin had understood what you meant back then. 

what could yunjin have done if she had known? could she have done anything in the first place? was there really any way to prevent this?

because if there was, she'd offer everything and anything, even her life, to stop that from happening.

now, yunjin sat in front of your stone, the guitar comfortably resting on her crossed legs. it was late and cold, but she didn't mind as long as she could be near you. her fingers delicately grazed your name, softly smiling.

"hi, baby."

the wind blew again, as if in response to her, which made her smile even wider. she waited for the wind to die down before fixing her hair and putting on your hoodie.

"want a song, love? billie eilish recently released a song." 

yunjin spoke as if you were physically there before her fingers began strumming the guitar strings. her beautiful voice soon filled the space, closing her eyes as she tried to find the familiar comfort whenever she sang to you.

"don't know where you are right now

did you see me on tv?"

yunjin was happy when she made her debut. she seemed content up there on stage. but she was dying on the inside. she was in a lot of pain. she wanted to go home and cry. she wished she could curl into a ball and drown in her own tears.

you weren't there when she finally made her debut. 

the one promise you didn't keep.

"i'll be there when you make your debut, jin-ie."

however, you were not. 

yunjin wanted to despise and hate you for it, but she couldn't because she knew you gave it your all. she was aware of your valiant efforts. however, the pressure your family was putting on you became too much.

"i'll try not to starve myself

just because you're mad at me"

the lyrics reminded yunjin of how one of her previous relationships had caused her to develop an unhealthy relationship with food. her ex-boyfriend, whom she thought was really sweet at first, soon established a rule that yunjin could not eat when he was angry. 

unfortunately for her, the guy had major anger issues, was always jealous, and was such a possessive person that yunjin was starving herself almost every day.

however, you helped her through it while she was still with him, for which you got in a lot of trouble, and up until you officially got together. you were the one who gradually but steadily helped her with food and her image, and she learned so much from you that she was also educating and comforting her own members about it, as she did once on live.

"and i'll be in denial for at least a little while"

while singing the lyrics, yunjin's tears streamed down her cheeks and her voice became shaky. she looked up at the star-studded night sky, wishing she could have you by her side to stargaze right then and there.

"what about the plans we made?"

she wanted to bring you to france. she wanted to buy you that baguette you joked about play fighting with her. 

she wanted to do all of the tiktok trends with you, including the ghost with shades photoshoot, the paper bag photoshoot, and all of the new and old ones.

she wanted to accompany you to bungee jumping, which was something you wanted to try the most out of everything else.

she wanted to make your relationship public. one of the reasons was so that no one would ship her with someone else. however, the main reason was so that she could flex you to everyone. she could show the world how much she loves you.

lastly,

huh yunjin wanted to marry you.

"the internet's gone wild watching movie stars on trial"

yunjin recalls scrolling through her phone during a photoshoot and coming across a post about johnny depp. she was immediately reminded of you, not that you had completely vanished from her mind and heart. she was scrolling through twitter to distract herself from thinking about you, but seeing johnny depp on her feed nearly made her cry because he was your favorite actor.

"while they're overturning roe v. wade"

it didn't stop there; another post had her frowning, prompting the stylist to pat her cheek. yunjin apologized and relaxed her face muscles. she knew your thoughts on the article because she would have deep conversations with you. she scrolled past it.

whatever your beliefs were, she shared them.

now all of my friends are missing again

'cause that's what happens when you fall in love

yunjin's fingers came to a halt, bitterly chuckling at the cemetery's silence. you used to give her excited responses and cheek kisses after every song she sang to you, but now all she gets is the wind kissing her cold cheeks.

"i… shut them out." yunjin slowly admitted. "chaewon unnie, kkura unnie, zuha, and eunchae."

"i'm sure you'd say something like 'open up, jin-ah,' or 'just let them in, baby.'" yunjin mimicked your voice, but not in mockery, but in adoration. she adored your voice, especially when you tried to sing with her or sing her composed songs during your trainee days.

"i really wanted to, y/n/n." yunjin sighed, shaking her head. "but i don't think i can open up to anyone else after you, my love."

you don't have the time, you leave them all behind

"ah, you're so unfair." yunjin sniffled as she wiped her wipes away with the back of her hand.

"why did you leave me? why didn't you tell me you were suffering like that?" the blonde girl sobbed uncontrollably, pain spreading across her with each heartbeat.

she clutched the guitar to her chest. you had given her that guitar, which you had bought with your own money, so having it with her was reassuring.

she sniffled. "i'm so sorry. i'm sorry for being blind. i'm sorry for not noticing."

yunjin apologized repeatedly, tears falling onto her guitar. she sobbed loudly, not caring if anyone noticed her or if a paparazzi had followed her. yunjin didn't care right now; she stopped caring when you left; all she cared about was you, who she loved, loves, and will always love.

"i'm sorry, baby. i'm so, so sorry. please. please, just come back to me?"

and you tell yourself "it's fine, you're just in love"

"where—"

"the cemetery." yunjin cut off chaewon's words as soon as she returned to the dorm and heard the leader's voice greet her.

sakura was also there, knowing that chaewon had reached her breaking point. before chaewon could say anything, the eldest intervened, carefully watching the leader tug on her hair, ready to rip it out of frustration.

"yunjin, we just want you to be safe."

"i am, i was. i was at the cemetery, unnie." yunjin explained, avoiding chaewon's glaring eyes and sakura's gentle ones.

sakura approached the american, holding her face and feeling how damp it was, causing her to frown. tears welled up in her eyes as she cradled the younger one in her arms, yunjin collapsing on her. 

chaewon came forward to take the guitar before it fell to the floor, and yunjin didn't want to let go at first, but seeing chaewon's now reassuring eyes, she did.

"i want her back, kkura unnie." yunjin murmured in her hair.

"i know, yunjin-ah. i know. we all do." sakura whispered, fingers taming yunjin's messy hair from the wind back there at the cemetery. "we'll be fine, jin-ie."

yunjin shook her head, knees giving out. chaewon helped the two as they collapsed to the ground, with yunjin clutching the two older ones for dear life. she wept with them, and they wept with her, both chaewon and sakura running their hands across yunjin's back to comfort her.

kazuha and eunchae appeared by the stairs, hesitant to join them, but chaewon waved them over and they quickly sat with them, offering yunjin support while crying along with them.

eunchae was your baby as well. you were regarded as the maknae's other parent since you were yunjin's girlfriend, and you played an important role in her life. chaewon drew the maknae into her arms, allowing eunchae to sob in her neck.

"we won't. i won't. it's not fine, i'm still in love." yunjin sobbed, further breaking the older two's hearts.

"please. i want her back."

and i don't get along with anyone

"reincarnation, huh?"

yunjin smiled sadly as she looked at the picture frame on her bedside table. it was a photo of you two on your nth date, where she skipped another hangout with her friends to be with you. you were on her back, kissing her cheek, and yunjin was smiling widely and had her eyes closed in delight.

"i'll find you in the next life, y/n/n, but i'm not going to replace you in this life; there's no one like you, and even if there was, i'd still want you."

"maybe i'm the problem."

nikko note: uhm, hi again? this is another attempt on angst. this was too triggering and i'm so hurt with this fic. please if you're experiencing the same thing, don't be afraid to reach out to someone. i'd even be willing to listen, just hit me up. i love you <3

#nikko works! #le sserafim #le sserafim reactions #le sserafim imagines #le sserafim x reader #huh yunjin #yunjin #huh yunjin x reader #yunjin x reader

[awfcspencer]

Dark Days Ahead || leah williamson x reader

leah williamson x reader

prompt: Reader is having a rough week as her job has been incredibly stressful. Leah notices and helps her relax

warnings: mentions of depression & overworked reader

a/n: I am enjoying writing, my requests are currently open!

You are not really sure when the sunny days turned dark. When waking up turned into a chore. Your current job requires your everlasting attention and a neverending list of things to do and accomplish. Your boss recently went on vacation and left you in charge of running a full business by yourself. From the moment you woke, your brain immediately went into overdrive.

The 5 A.M. alarm wakes you up from a night of tossing and turning, as you were unable to fully fall asleep, the weight of your days undoubtfully catching up to you.

Reaching over to stop the blaring alarm, you look towards Leah who is blissfully asleep in your arms. Wishing you could stay in bed in this exact position day and night, but your mind is already forcing you to believe you are behind on today's current tasks.

Trying to carefully leave Leah's arms she awakes slightly. "It is so early baby," she whines.

"I know, I have to go into the office extra early and send a few emails before the midday rush." Leah immediately frowns, knowing you have been pushing yourself past the limit every day. You work at a family attorney's office and there are no off days when working with family crises.

Leaving the warm comfort of your bed, you make your way towards the bathroom to begin getting ready for your long day. Taking a moment to look in the mirror, you notice your dark eye bags as the lack of full rest has taken a toll on your body. Forcing yourself to shower feels like an immense chore. As of recently, everything has felt like a chore.

Finishing in the bathroom and picking an outfit out, you are making breakfast, and packing yourself both a lunch and dinner just in case, because as of recently, your days at the office amount to 12-14 hour days.

Before walking out the door, you leave a soft kiss on Leah's head and promise to try to be home as soon as you can.

"Bye, my sweet love, good luck at training." You whisper out before exiting the room.

You take the short drive to work in complete silence, trying to prepare yourself for work. The roads are almost completely empty as the sun has just barely begun to rise. Walking into the office, you immediately sit down, open your computer, and begin your work.

Back at home, Leah has now officially woken up to the cold side of your bed. Lightly sighing, she begins to get ready for training and packing her kit bag. Leah has noticed your lowering energy, coming home from work, tired eyes, body, and mind. Usually, you are full of energy and talkative when you get to see Leah after being at work and her at training, but the conversations have dwindled and your energy is depleted as soon as you walk through the door.

Today is Friday and Leah understands you have the day off tomorrow as the office is closed on Saturday. Leah makes a mental note to run to the local shops after training to grab ingredients to make your favorite pasta and some flowers. Leah is going to help you relax and fully unwind after your day of work as her heart breaks in a million tiny pieces seeing you so completely drained.

Meanwhile, at work, a family has come into the office and has begun arguing with you about the upcoming trial. Screaming loudly at you and throwing out harsh insults at you about how you are incompetent and terrible at your job. Luckily, the security guard noticed the ruckus coming from your office and hastily ushered the family out of the office.

The tears from the screaming and overall exhaustion brim in your eyes, but you force yourself straight back into reviewing a new case to stop yourself from completely breaking down. The sudden outburst from that family has your mind believing you are now behind and you need to catch up to be able to get home to Leah at a decent time.

After training, Leah went to the store and picked up the items she needed, as well as grabbing your favorite chocolates and some relaxing bath bombs to make you a bath when you return home to destress.

Luckily for you, when the time hits 6 P.M. you feel justified in the work you have done for the day and clock out. Before leaving the office, you grab a few files to review over the weekend as well as grabbing your computer to respond to a few more emails, as by the time you return to work on Monday you will have 20 more to answer.

The drive home feels like an eternity but eventually, you arrive in the driveway and collect your belongings before entering the home.

When you walk into your and Leah's shared home, you are hit the the most amazing smell of pasta and your favorite vanilla candle lit.

"Hey baby, I am home," you yell out as you discard your shoes and coat before walking towards the kitchen.

Entering the kitchen, you see Leah in an apron working over the stove. She sees you and immediately pulls you in for a warm hug. Your body fully collapses in her arms and tears begin streaming down your face.

"I am so tired baby" you sob into her neck.

"I know love" she whispers into your ear as she rubs small circles into your back. "I started you a bath upstairs and have set a pair of comfy pj's on the counter," she says as she carries you towards your guy's bathroom. She helps you discard your clothes and sets you ever so gently into the bath.

"I am going to finish dinner, you relax and come downstairs when you are finished," she softly says. She heads back to the kitchen and you fully relax in the bath, letting yourself close your eyes surrounded by the warm water.

After the water begins to get cold, you hoist yourself out of the bath and see that Leah has left you her favorite jumper and some shorts for you to wear, your heart could have exploded by her sheer love.

Walking out to the kitchen, you see two plates of pasta on the island and two glasses of wine. Leah brings you toward the table, and you notice your favorite flowers in a vase on the table. Looking up at Leah all you can say out is "Thank you so much baby" trying your best not to burst out in full tears.

"I can see you have been stressed out at work so I wanted to give you a very relaxing night in love," she says as she brings you in for another hug.

You and Leah enjoy dinner as you ask her how training was and how the Arsenal girls are. Leah is preparing to return from her ACL tear and you could not be more excited for her.

After finishing dinner, Leah cleans up the table as she ushers you towards the couch and tells you to pick out a movie for you two to enjoy.

Leah then joins you on the couch and sits behind you to begin massaging your tense body. Your body fully relaxes into her as her soft touches could practically put you to sleep.

"I love you, baby, thank you for today." You whisper out just before you fall asleep in her warm arms.

#woso x reader #woso one shot #woso fanfics #woso imagine #woso blurbs #woso community #woso soccer #woso #leah williamson x you #leah williamson x reader #leah williamson #awfc x reader #awfc imagine #awfc

[lily-174]

can i request a jay halstead with prompts 3, 5 & 10? very insecure reader going through some mental health troubles 🥺 i need comfort 😂

we all have bad days, even bad weeks. - jay halstead x reader

overview: jay had noticed the difference in your behaviour at work when he shows up to your apartment you finally open up to someone about your mental health.

requested: ‘hold me please’ ‘don’t you see i’m trying’ and ‘i’m afraid i’m not good enough for you’

trigger warning: anxiety, depression, mentions of alcohol and bad self image.

a/n- i hope you enjoy and this fic brings you some comfort, if anyone’s having a bad day and needs someone to talk to i’m here <3

this is a bit of a short one, i really don’t know if i like this. please let me know what you think anyway i hope you enjoy <3

i just realised i should’ve made the reader a little more insecure, i’m sorry this isn’t my best fic. if you have any other requests please let me know :)

chicago pd masterlist

**

depression and anxiety. they weren’t new to you. you’d struggled before even in your teen years. but after joining the police department you found ways to deal with it and it rarely ever bothered you. of course you still had bad days, but you could manage it.

but that one bad day, had turned into a bad week. so much so the days were blurring together, a feeling you were all too used to. you’d tried to distract yourself write in your journal but this time it was just a little more difficult to rise above.

you’d tried spending time with your new boyfriend jay, he was a blessing. you’d only recently made it official after seeing each other for a few months and keeping it a secret from everyone in intelligence. but you were so socially drained you couldn’t even bring yourself to spend time with jay after work.

jay noticed the change in your behaviour first at work, nothing drastic just you staring into space consumed by your own thoughts, then the bags forming under your eyes which was paired with you drinking almost double the amount of coffee you normally would. then he’d noticed the way you would try to stay away from big groups of people.

he’d already asked you multiple times if you were okay only for you to brush off his concern which only made his worries grow. he asked before you both left work if you wanted to stay at his and he’d make dinner in an attempt to make you feel better but you declined his offer feeling like sitting on your couch alone with a glass of wine and your favourite tv show playing would be a better idea.

so that’s exactly what you did. sat on the couch your hair tied up dressed in jays hoodie and a pair of shorts with a blanket wrapped around you and a glass of wine in your hand as you stared at the tv. you couldn’t pinpoint what had triggered you to feel like this, the crippling anxiety, the dislike you had for yourself as a teenager rushing back, and the amount of doubts you had about yourself and your relationship. you tried thinking back to if it was a case that could’ve triggered it but you couldn’t put a finger on it.

consumed by your own thoughts you sat sipping from the glass of wine, did jay really love you? where you good enough to be in intelligence? the only thing that brought you back to reality was the loud knocking on your door. sighing as you placed your glass on the coffee table you got up from your comfortable position on the couch and walked to the door, your slipper clad feet slowly walking you over to the door.

opening the door you were shocked to see who was stood on the other side. jay. there he stood with a six pack of beer and a plastic bag full of snacks with that cheeky smirk on his face. he could instantly tell you weren’t feeling yourself just from the look of pure exhaustion on your face.

“what are you doing here?” you asked a part of you kinda upset he’d invaded your alone time but another part of you telling yourself he could distract you from your thoughts.

“i came to find out what’s wrong and not let you just sit alone and be all tired and sad.” he spoke making his way into your apartment, you watched as he turned on the lamp making the darkness disappear and he put the bag and the six pack on the coffee table next to your glass of wine.

“i’m not sad” he turned to look at you with a look on his face as if to say i know you’re lying. he wasn’t stupid, he could tell when something was wrong especially when it came down to someone he cared about.

“if you’re gonna lie put some effort into it, for me” he smiled his cheery voice making a slight smile show up on your face as you walked back over to the couch. you knew jay wouldn’t leave until you gave up some reason as to why you were acting differently.

“jay seriously i’m good” you huffed returning to your warm blanket curled up on the couch. he shook his head and sat next to you one of his arms going around your shoulders so he could pull you into his chest. as soon as he did you felt that familiar feeling of security and safety that jays arms always provided. he was your safety blanket.

“y/n i know you’re not. you can’t keep avoiding everyone and drinking 5 cups of coffee every morning. you can’t let yourself give up” jay wasn’t stupid, that bad day had turned into a bad week and a part of you was starting to believe you wouldn’t be able to get yourself out of the hole you were digging.

“can’t you see i’m trying? i don’t want to feel like this jay” he gently pulled away from you so he could look into your eyes, his face laced with a look of empathy and concern as his beautiful eyes looked over your face admiring you. his freckled face you loved so much inches away from your face you could almost feel his breath.

“feel like what baby? you gotta talk to me that way i can help you” the soft tone of his voice warmed your heart, butterflies fluttering in your stomach as you looked up at him. you didn’t understand how you got so lucky to have a man as perfect as jay halstead. he was perfect in every way.

you contemplated telling him, you didn’t want him to think of you any differently. you knew he’d understand having he’d opened up to you a little bit about his ptsd. but your brain liked to play tricks on you and trick you into thinking he wouldn’t care because his problems were worse. that’s the thing about mental illness, it’s competitive. but the look in his eyes made you feel so safe and loved, maybe you could tell him without the fear of being judged. so that’s what you did. you told him.

“i just, i don’t know what it is. i feel stupid.. i just this week everything i used to struggle with it’s all just come back. i know how to deal with it, i really do it’s just these feelings are so strong this time” you explained in a way that didn’t let up too many details, you watched his face as he listened intently to you words. he seemed to really care about what you were saying, the eye contact remained strong as you spoke proving the fact he was listening to your every word. as he listened he was mentally coming up with strategies and ways to attempt to help you.

“what are you feeling? i can try and help” he offered as he looked down at you one of his hands reaching for yours as he interlaced your fingers with his, the pad of his thumb gently rubbing against your hand in a way that just made you feel cared for. he had that effect on you. he could make you feel safe and cared for in minutes.

“my anxiety jay, i can’t sleep, i feel this constant pit in my stomach. i have doubts about everything and i was learning to love myself, my body everything just sometimes it’s harder to accept what i look like and i just look at myself and pick at things no one else would notice” jay listened nodding as you spoke, taking in every word, you hadn’t ever felt so listened to in your life. jays heart stung thinking about the fact you’d be struggling and as your boyfriend it’s taken him a week to intervene, he felt as if he should’ve said something sooner.

“i’ll stay here tonight, you can have a shower i’ll cook and i’ll do what i can to help you get some sleep. i know what i say isn’t going to change the way you look at yourself or the way that you feel, but y/n you’re breathtaking. i love everything about you.” jay whispered softly rubbing the back of your hand with the pad of his thumb in an attempt to comfort you. his words almost brung tears to your eyes, he was perfect. there wasn’t one thing you would change about jay. he was everything you ever needed.

“can you tell me what you have doubts about?” he was so careful with his words, it confused you how he was so emotionally intelligent. most guys didn’t care for anyone but themselves but jay. he was the most selfless man you’d ever met.

“us, work anything i’m just afraid, i’m afraid i’m not good enough for you” you answered his question and he pressed a kiss to your forehead before pulling you back into his chest and hugging you gently rubbing your back as he did. those words made him sigh, he loved you. and he felt as if you were too good for him, like he wasn’t good enough for you, he loved everything about you, from your looks to the way you made him feel.

“you have nothing to worry about with me y/n, you’re more then good enough for me. i love you. a lot” that was the first time he’s said those three words and it sent a shiver down your spine, you looked up at him in disbelief and he pressed a kiss to your lips which you gratefully returned, the kiss full of love and admiration.

“i love you too” he smiled at your words bringing you into his chest again, the conversation making tears brim to your eyes, that had been the first time since high school you spoke to anyone about your anxiety and the fact jay was so understanding made tears fall down your cheeks as you felt the relief of finally getting everything off your chest.

he noticed you crying and laid down on the couch pulling you gently down on top of him, he rubbed your back as you softly cried into his chest as he whispered sweet words into your ear, words that made your heart flutter, he wanted to help he wanted to make you feel okay.

“is there anything else i can do?” he asked softly his free hand interlacing your fingers with his, while his other hand rubbed your back as tears fell from your eyes that you’d so desperately tried to hold back but you couldn’t help them falling.

“just hold me please” that’s all you had to say and jay would stay there and hold you all night. he would do anything to make you feel better. and you knew he would, he pressed a kiss to your head as he held you against him whispering sweet words into your ear.

you’d lost track of how long you’d been laid there on top of him, staining his shirt with your tears but he didn’t care, when you finally stopped crying your eyes felt heavy, you focused on jays breathing and the beating of his heart as you felt his hand still gently rubbing your back before your eyes closed giving into sleep. when jay noticed you’d finally fallen asleep a small smile raised on his lips as he hoped you would finally get a good nights sleep. he didn’t stop rubbing your back he stayed doing the same and he wouldn’t dare move in fear of waking you up. he loved you and wanted the best for you.

he spent the next hour planning ideas in his head for what he could do to make you feel better, anything that he could do to reassure you to make you feel loved and appreciated. he planned out a few ideas knowing you’d scold him in the morning when he presents his ideas to you but he didn’t care. a few dates to bring your spirits up sounds good to him, and gave him an excuse to spoil you.

#chicago pd #chicago pd imagine #jay halstead x reader #jay halstead imagine #jay halstead #one chicago x reader #i love jay halstead #jay halstead oneshot #jay halstead fluff

[mshroom1e]

Hello! It's my first time requesting but I loved ur azul fic omg. Can I please have azul x gn! Reader where azul maybe comforts the reader because they can see they're really tired and always sleeping in and just not feeling all that great mentally. (Depression episode I suppose) if you dont want to write something depressing that's alr! Then maybe just like headcanons of napping with azul u can make it crack if u want I dont mind. Whatever ur comfortable with! If u like neither feel free to not do this request that's alr. Thank you :) have a good day and week ♡

Hello, thank you so much for the request!! I'm sorry it took so long for me to answer but I hope you enjoy it. I really liked writing the hcs stuff and can't wait to do more of them in the future. Finally, I hope I did well portraying how Yuu feels throughout this.

type: fanfic/hcs

Summary: Yuu hasn't been feeling the best and Azul tries his best to help with feeling better. Comfort, followed by some headcanons.

1.3k words

tags: reader receiving comfort, fluff

Warning(s): Depressive Episode

Life at NRC was rough. Everything went as swimmingly as a house on fire and you were completely drained. Exhausted.

Getting out of bed was much more of a hassle than it should've been. You were constantly exhausted, already having had enough of the day despite it just being started. No matter how much you tried, your body wouldn't cooperate and just flop back onto the bed. You were late to class on most mornings, and on the days you did manage to make it on time, you were in a vicious battle with sleep and always seemed to lose. The persistent tiredness and overall low mood made you feel, to put it plainly, like absolute shit.

On one particular morning, you couldn't find it in yourself to get out of bed. Virtually, you had given up. All that was left of your little remaining willpower diminished. Dissipated.

Azul noticed the lack of your presence instantly. He usually passed by you in hallways before class, always smiling at you or greeting you as you crossed paths. It was unusual to never see you at all during the day. He realised your worsening mental and physical conditions a few days before you didn't show up at school, but thought it was just him seeing it as no one else he asked seemed to notice at all. He was extremely worried, but for the life of him, he couldn't think of what to do to help you in any good way.

Concern for you became full-fledged worry as you were nowhere to be seen at the Mostro Lounge. About a week prior, you promised Azul that you would meet up with him at the lounge to spend some time together once it closed as you were both too busy to see each other during the day. At first, he thought it was just a simple case of being stood up on a date, but something inside him told him it was something more than that. Something he needed to help with.

So that's why Azul found himself in front of the rickety Ramshacke dorm, a bag of bits and bobs in tow, all gathered to make you feel better. The outside door was unlocked, which made sense as it was still during the day. He let himself into the dorm's entrance, greeting the air as he entered.

"Pardon the intrusion..." Azul gently pushed your bedroom door with his foot, arms full of all the items he brought in the hopes of making you feel better.

He carried mostly snacks, medicine, in case you were sick, blankets, a few oversized clothes since he knew how much you loved wearing them, and other things he thought you might need.

The human-sized lump under the covers of your bed was enough to tell Azul where you had been the whole day. His shoulders slumped as he set down the bags and carefully approached you.

You lay on your side, face almost completely covered by your blanket. You weren't even able to muster the strength to greet Azul when he walked into the room as you stared straight ahead, eyes glazed over and staring at nothing.

"Yuu?" He called out your name and placed himself on a spot next to you on the medium sized bed, the mattress slowly dipping under the new mass on top of it.

If Azul was being completely honest with himself, he had no idea what to do. He was so used to only relating with the majority of his peers due to his deals and other shady business that he gained such little emotional intelligence.

When you didn't reply, he settled for placing a hand on where he assumed your shoulder was, as if to let his prescence be known by you and for you to know that you weren't alone anymore.

Azul sat with you for a few minutes before you reached out of the blanket bundle and softly wrapped your hands around his torso, pulling him towards you in some sort of awkward hug. His eyes widened a fraction before he relaxed and allowed you to hold him.

There was a little more awkward shuffling before you ended up with your head on his shoulder and hands clutching onto the back of his uniform tightly. He leaned back onto the headboard and let your body weight rest on himself. He figured he would just wait until you were happy enough to start talking, so he slowly rubbed circles on your back as he felt his shoulder become damp.

Your silent tears became sniffles and sobs as you could finally release all the emotional constipation you felt. As you cried, you practically latched onto Azul like a koala, hugging him as you imagined Floyd would "squeeze" people.

His body was more cool than warm. Frequent hugs and touches with Azul taught you that his body didn't regulate its own heat at all, meaning he was always cold to the touch and today was no exception. Despite the chilling cold, he was still comfortable to lean against. His lack of warmth was made up by your own.

After your sobs and sniffles reduced, you pulled away from Azul, your face a few inches away from his and your eyes looking to the side.

"I'm sorry..." you started, "about all this."

Azul's eyes softened. He felt something inside him sting at the state you were in. To him, you were a beacon of light. Your presence was enough to give him a reason to keep going. Always managing to shine brightly despite whatever life threw at you. But no pillar lasts forever. Even the most formidable were due to crumble sooner or later. However, it can remain standing and in good condition when taken care of and supported in the correct way. And that was exactly what Azul was going to do.

He may not have the best way with words outside his deals and shady transactions, but he knew he could support you by listening and doing his best to take care of you until you were able to pick yourself back up and continue being as brilliant as you always were.

Azul would be so awkward but try his best when comforting someone.

Awkward back pats all the way

I imagine that he wouldn't say much, but his comforting actions are enough to make his s/o feel a lot better.

Definitely cancells whatever he's doing to make time to spend with you.

He'd have a list somewhere of all the things you like. From your favourite snacks to what takes your mind off things the most.

He wouldn't blatantly ask about your likes though, he'd probably watch the way you interact with things for a while and then ask you if you like those certain things.

Speaking of his list, he has a cute notebook dedicated to you since studying is what he does best.

He would use his cooking skills to make your favourite comfort dish.

Would smile genuinely when you compliment his cooking but would try to hide it behind smirking while adjusting his glasses, like he usually does.

Once you're done eating, you would play board games together and watch your eyes light up with a huge dopey smile on his face.

He'd maybe lose on purpose just to see you cheer up after gaining a victory. He might do that once in a while but don't expect him to always go easy on you, especially when you notice him letting you win or if you love competition.

Sucks at acting so you can definitely tell when he's pretending to lose

Is pretty good at hugs

His body feels cold to the touch, because octopus, but its a comforting kind of cold he radiates.

If you're shorter, he places his head on top of yours when you lean against him and if you're taller, you rest your head on his shoulder or he rests his head on yours.

"You have absolutely nothing to apogise for. You deserve so much for all that you've done and I wish that whatever appreciation that others don't show you, you should be the one to show yourself."

#gn reader #twisted wonderland #twst fanfic #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #azul x reader #azul ashengrotto x reader #azul twisted wonderland #azul twst #twst hcs #twst #twst azul #azul ashengrotto #fanfic

[getosugurugirlfriend]

could you do tae takemi with a reader that struggles with self harm please

Tae Takumi x self harming! reader

a/n: Hello anon, I was really rushing to get your request through and I hope it will help you through these things, just know you aren’t alone and you should reach out, when you don’t have anyone you can also chat with me :(. I am also someone that struggles with self harm, so don’t feel alone about it.

I tried making her from a doctor perspective/ friend, because I didn’t know how to write her in this case as a gf? I’m sorry

tw: self harming behavior, a brief mention of disordered eating, depression

I will proofread this tomorrow.

masterlist

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

☆ She will definitely know, she is a doctor. She will see right through you. When you tried hiding it from her, there was basically no chance of succeeding.

☆ When she first saw it she didn’t know how to react, she was conflicted about it, yes, you were her friend, but she didn’t really know how to comfort you and tried approaching you in a doctor perspective, as to not make you feel bad about yourself.

☆ Yes, she saw a lot of things as a doctor, even self harm scars. She knew how they looked and what to do, if they are fresh. She will treat them, while handling them she didn’t really talk at first, she was thinking about how to approach this situation first, to not make you feel worse about yourself.

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

When she noticed that she hadn’t see you in a while, she got worried and went straight to your apartment, she knew about your mental health struggles, but she didn’t know that it got worse again.

As she arrived, there were no lights on, but she had the feeling you were at home, so she just hoped for you to come out and open the door for her.

She rang the bell and as she heard on the other side that there were footsteps, she was relieved at first, but then she saw you, basically a shell of yourself.

When she saw the state you were in, she got really worried, the eye bags, the paleness of your face, everything looked so dull.

As you let her in you went to the couch to sit down as you begun to talk she interrupted you with: “y/n what happened to you?”, you knew you couldn’t hide it from her for long, you didn’t have anyone else to talk to, she was your only friend, so you tried opening up to her. Due to the fact she knew how to take care of illnesses, it was a lot easier for you to talk about your struggles.

“Tae, you know how I talked to you about my depression?”

“Yes, y/n what about it?”

You sighed but continued anyways, “…I begun to relapse on self harm again.”

You got worried, as she didn’t react at first, she was keeping her calmness, but deep down you knew that she was shocked.

As she collected her thoughts again she begun talking, “Ok, I understand, did you eat today and when was the last time you took a shower?”

“No I didn’t, I felt too drained and tired, I showered the last time last week.”

“Ok, go showering and I will be preparing you something small to eat, we will talk about this, after you have showered okay?” She gave you a reassuring smile.

As you were done showering she already was done with making something that she knew you would enjoy.

You were both eating in silence, you tried finishing your plate, to have something in your system again after not eating for a day.

Tae saw that you were done with your plate for now, so she got up and took the plates to wash them, she knew that you couldn’t do it for now, so she tried helping you as best as she can.

She broke the silence again, “…Y/n is it okay if I see the scars? I want to make sure they are healing the way they should be healing”, when she was done explaining she tried to give her the best smile that she could do. You both were heading to your bedroom, so you could relax, while she treated you.

You were at this point really exhausted, so you didn’t really replied to it verbally, you just hummed at her.

She tried making it fast, so you won’t be getting to upset about it. “Y/n do you want me to stay over?”, she anxiously asked you, after she was done bandaging the wounds.

You nodded, you were on the verge of tears, as she saw this, she pushed you into her embrace so you can cry it out. She felt that you were beginning to become quiet and sleepy, then she knew you fell asleep from exhaustion, she still hugged you, but already made plans what to do for now, she also had planned that she will clean up your place, so you don’t have to worry about that.

“Sleep well, y/n.”

─── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ───

banner: reverieresources (tumblr)

#tae takemi #persona 5 #tae takemi x reader #tae x reader #takemi x reader #persona 5 x reader #persona x reader

[undeademoprincess]

I need to get this off my chest somehow because i just

I feel so fucking conflicted and tired. The constant teeter tottering if not riding both extremes of feeling like a burden, no one wants or seeks out my company the way i do theirs, the "why even bother" mentality always in steadily creeping up on me, feeling constant over stimulation as well as under stimulation (sometimes both at once and theres times its only one effecting me but i get no break from it all) vs knowing and seeing im loved, wanted and appreciated, that im not some forced to be stuck with tag along burden people in my life put up with, and just being able to breath without doubting thoughts and actions of others towards me and feeling the calm that life is supposed to be. Just, all of the cruel thoughts, turning my own mind against itself and those i care for is exhausting and painful, especially when i unfortunately see things that back up the "mental demons", where i sadly agree with it because its persuasive and skilled enough to warp the truth i know for fact, im just too disheartened and tried to aruge back and thus sadly agree and it breaks me. For how it feels, when all this kicks in, it really does feel like some demon or dark intruder gets off on pitting me against things. I can watch someone so small and insignificant happen and when im not on the ball to counter it, it uses that as evidence that "see? You ARE bothering others". The slightest reaction or lack thereof always gets warped and twisted. The tiring part is i KNOW its pitting me against things, myself, and others. I KNOW this "voice" or intrusive thought(s) are just that, intrusive and theyre lying and warping reality to suit its perspective. To constantly rebuttle, reanalyze memories, literally ask what someone meant by what they said something, its beyond draining. Id say its all day, that theres obvious signs to who or what and HOW itd go after everything, but there just isnt. Theres no consistency other than being relentlessly brutal on making me feel alienated despite that very well not being the case. And again, i both know and see that. But i dont always have the heart or energy to fight back, rebuttle every dark thought, PROVE it wrong.

Thats when its actually relentless. Whispers and snarky, slide off the shoulder quick "comments" become whole trains of thought for minutes if not hours. Like a song you cant get out of your head in a way. Every year, as it gets closer and closer to holidays i dont like due to so many loved ones ive lost this time of year, i get seasonal depression and thus the mental beat down just gets worse. I know thats a root cause, with a handful of other things tho far more minor and insignificant from years back. I dont know how to stop all this, or to stop adding fuel to the fire the intrusive thoughts, dark voices, or mental demons (whichever suits your fancy) feed so desperately off of. My go to has always been to back off and isolate myself. Over time i noticed interactions with people are what it really pits against me, so if i back away from people for a while, it loses its fuel source and dies out. I then get my break from the mental warfare, i get hopefully some sort of quality time to myself during this, recover my foot hold over myself, and can eventually turn back to my friends and family comfortably without having to argue with myself their intentions and my self worth.

I dont want pity, i just need to rant and that feeling like im unloved, unwelcomed, a burden, and etc etc is at a ever creeping high at the moment for me right now. Ive always believed in letting out and talking to others about thoughts and emotions, helps yoy process things and open up. Rn i dont feel emotionally or mentally stable enough without absolutely breaking down and crumbling on those who i KNOW are there for me, always have and always will be. They dont need me losing my marbles on them, and i dont like people seeing or hearing me this low. I dont want anyone who unfortunately reads this to worry about me, especially doing anything drastic. Im a tough cookie and ive been through hell, this aint anything but its definitely a dark bumpy road that i WILL navigate. I just, i needed to rant and sort out my thoughts some, and between talking and typing it all out, those work best for me.

So for anyone that does unfortunately read this, sorry for possibly worrying you. I both am and am not fine, and the aspects of me that arent are things i plan on puttinf aside for now and recovering with for a bit. And until i learn anything else that works for me on battling and stopping this mental warfare i always get each year, im taking my people break, for my own selfish reasons. Im purposely going to make it harder to reach me for a while so that way my mind gets the social rest it needs to stop manipulating shit as i experience it. I cant stress how much i WILL be fine. I have my cats luna and bubba, my gecko tubby, my dogs pierre and louie. I have them for warmth, cuddles, kisses and company while im recouping. It might take me a bit to crawl back out of my hole, but i hope if anything i can come back to open arms friend wise when im feeling and doing far better than i am now. That itll be seen and treated like i was on vacation. These arent thoughts and emotions i like showing or displaying, another reason i isolate myself until im better.

If, for whatever reason you feel you need to or have to reach me, those who know how to reach me and can will. Im basically going to shrink access down to me to texts, cause everything else adds to the flip flop warfare of being over stimulating and under stimulating all at once. With everything else goin on in my mind and life rn, i really need whatever energy i have and can spare to get through all this in one piece, finish this semester, and get through this hellish time of the year without seasonal depression also fatiguing me.

I just... im in desperate need of me time if you will. And ill be back to my old usual self in hopefully a few weeks, maybe as long as until after Christmas. I just, i dont wanna don a mask in front of others, struggle to hold it up, break down, and feel worse. I dont like putting up fronts for others

Ill be fine, really. I think the only other thought i wanna express is that even when my mind tells and tries its hardest to convice me otherwise, i know im loved, wanted, and appreciated by people. I just cant confidently tell you why or what about me is worthwhile to others (i struggle with this even on normal days when everything is hunky dory), but i know this simple fact, and even if im struggling to hold onto it, trust me when i say that the usual me that gets so tired and worn out during times like this definitely knows and remembers, and its facts like this that i can, even in rocky times like this, guarantee ill be just fine, because its these tucked away facts that eventually help me get my foot hold again.

#rant #delete later

[fadewalking]

drug use tw and also probably tmi but ....

Idk i just wanna vent into the void a little bit

Ever since the D.A.R.E program, I've always been really pro-drugs. I think many drugs are fine to take, and there shouldn't be a stigma around doing them. I also think we (the US) should decriminalize ALL drugs, including the very bad ones, in an effort to destigmatize so that people who are addicted to them feel safe getting help, and for a lot of other reasons but that's not what this post is about.

Sure some drugs have risks that make taking them dangerous or addictive, and I can agree that some drugs should never be done, even once, and that even mild drugs aren't for everyone, especially those with addictive personalities. Still, in general, im pro-drug. though i feel like i've recently discovered a side to it that i didn't consider before, and im not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing. Which is, i really don't feel happy unless im on some kind of drug. now u may be thinking "that's obviously a bad thing wtf are u ok" and the answer is no, im not ok. But im also Fine, you know? Like, safety-wise, I'm completely stable, so no worries there. But also, it's not like i was very happy with life, started doing drugs, and then all of the sudden i can only be happy when on drugs. I've been Not Okay for years, and doing drugs is the only place I've found relief. I guess it could get dangerous if I start being reckless, and doing more and more risky drugs in an effort to get a stronger, longer high, but so far I've been very careful about what I take, and how much of it i take. And in general, i stay away from anything with high health risks, and I don't typically do any drugs that have a risk of chemical dependency. I intend to keep things that way. That's not to say im not addicted to the drugs i do take, because i definitely am or at least getting there. But my addiction is a behavioral one, and not a chemical one.

Since I don't have any chemical dependencies. I can technically stop, and often do for long periods of time when i don't have the funds for it. But why would I ever want to stop? during those sober times is when I am mentally at my lowest point. If I'm not actively doing something, I get agitated and depressed, and keeping busy makes me feel exhausted and drained, which is equally unpleasant. the only time i am comfortable just existing on my own is when im high. It's not even really a "high" feeling, not like euphoria or anything. I just feel content and peaceful, like I'm okay being in the moment, and just vibing. It's not a feeling I could get before I started doing drugs. So the drugs didn't take anything from me, only added to it. I guess the downside is the financial burden, and the social risk of being drug tested when applying for jobs or whatever. But it's worth it to feel Okay imo. I suppose it's likely that my doing drugs makes the sober periods worse than they'd otherwise be if I never did them. Like, I get MORE agitated than I would be if I stopped or never did them to begin with. and I can see how someone would read this and think I am just rationalizing and unhealthy behavior as being a positive thing. but like, oh well, i guess? In an essence, how is it functionally different than taking antidepressants? This is a rhetorical question. I know there are many technical differences from a prescription drug, monitored by a professional, and street drugs. I just mean, they both have mood stabilizing/altering effects, and in my case, both are used to try to help me be less Not Okay. So why is one an unhealthy crutch, while another is perfectly okay? (assuming that the drug in question is relatively risk free, as far as drugs go). This is also a rhetorical question. But if u really wanna talk about it for some reason, you can shoot me an ask i guess. In conclusion, my new opinion on drugs is as follows: if you're someone who struggles, but manages to find contentedness without drugs, maybe don't do them, because they just might take that ability to find okayness or even happiness away from you. But as for me? Oh I'm gonna turn up.

#this is just me talking about my drug use #and where im at with it #personal;;;;; #im sober rn after about a 2 week binge and Baby I'm Hating It #i technically still have some Drug left #but when my tolerance gets too high #to where i have to take bigger and bigger doses #i take a couple of days off #because I just can't afford to be using so much #and i gotta tell u guys #every minute of being sober is awful #and it really doesn't get better #drug cw

[itty-bitty-rampaging-committee]

My Top 8 Best Acting Moments from Aidan Gallagher!

Thank You to Anonymous for Requesting

Analysis Below

>>Warning: This is a giant post, so don’t click “read more” unless you genuinely want to read more. Otherwise, you’ll be scrolling for a long-ass time. This analysis covers the acting, psychology, and writing genius of Five Hargreeves.<<

So, this may be the lowest on this list, but it is by no means his weakest acting scene. My god, this scene is incredible because of the accuracy given the age and, henceforth, the experience of the actor.

Acting is effective if the person is able to accurately tell a truth whilst in imaginary circumstances. In order to act powerfully, we are commonly taught to connect complicated emotional situations to something we know well and, therefore, can portray well.

For many, being drunk isn’t anything new. And being tipsy isn’t exactly uncommon to act out. But for a fourteen-year-old, this is awesome to see because it is incredibly accurate. And, given the character’s psychological/emotional status, it’s even more impressive.

Here’s why:

So, right off the bat, listening to Aidan’s speech is something awesome. His clear yet natural slurring, his guttural tone: these two things are perfect indications of intoxication, since volume control is practically gone and drunk people don’t think things through. They just talk, and talk, and stumble because their inhibitions are so low.

It’s can really be heard, best, when he says, “she said it makes me surly” and when Diego whips around, he says, “hmm?”

Another thing that makes this so fun to watch is the fact that Aidan is completely lax. Being carried is one sign of that, yes, but even his subtle movements are loose. He did his homework, not only for the vocalization of someone who is drunk, but also for their movements.

Look how loose his movements are. He just tosses his hand up, lets it drop back down, and his head is too heavy, flopping all around. Completely uncoordinated and smooth, which is a bright contrast to Five’s usual coordinated, sharp, and calculated movements. The character is relatively rigid, which makes sense given his psychology and traumas.

Speaking of traumas.

There is this beautiful, subtle self-soothing movement going on right here. It’s a clear comfort to him, and after the night he has had, and the trauma he has endured, it makes perfect sense for him to be clinging to her as such. Whether Aidan knew what he was doing with this, I can’t say, but what I can say was that it was a fantastic choice of action to follow through with.

KEY NOTES: Acting drunk is all about fluidity. You make yourself as liquid-y as possible. Become one with the water, though not in an elegant way. Rather, become the cup that’s just tipped over. Water is spilling over the side, getting everywhere, aimlessly spreading across the tabletop. It’s a mess, it has no direction nor stability, etc.

Aidan follows through with this beautifully. I could gush about this all day, just as I could with so much of his acting. Acting drunk is hard, even for some adults. Luckily, he has it on his side that Five is so completely opposite of what we see here, that him being so flimsy and giggly is strange as shit.

Additionally, if you’re ever needing to act drunk, do the opposite of your character, given the script allows it. If the character is normally very carefree and lighthearted, become the depressed, crying drunk, or the angry drunk. Or, like Aidan, if your character is normally rigid, become a giggling mess that can’t take shit seriously.

On to the next, where it’s more about the psychology of a character rather than the physical acting of the actor...

This scene. This was the moment that made me realize just how much I adored Five when he’s absolutely batshit. Unlike most of this list, where internal conflict and monologue drives for an impressive performance, in this case, it is the external conflict and monologue that makes this scene fantastic!

Here’s why:

It is an absolute rollercoaster of emotions for Five Hargreeves.

Seriously, this guy is leaping from emotion to emotion, bouncing between frustration to borderline panic to bitter glee to mania to relief. You can practically see the gears turning in Aidan’s head throughout the entire scene as he throws Five through the ringer.

So, from the top, we’re given this glorious moment, both a genius writing move and fantastically acted.

The vending machine.

I know a lot of people are like, “hell yeah” because Aidan gets to say “fuck”, or because he’s just off the shits. There are many reasons to love this scene. But I especially love this scene because it’s really introducing to the audience exactly what’s going to happen: intensity, violence, and Five snapping, losing his cool in a lapse of fear and frustration and desperation. And it’s beautifully encapsulated in this one fucking scene.

Aidan’s acting here might seem easy, and in a sense, it is. It’s easy to ram your shoulder against a vending machine and shake it and get mad. But what isn’t easy is knowing why you’re doing this, and feeling it. Just from observation and process of elimination, Aidan’s likely mostly a method-based actor. He bases his acting, and his characters, in his own reality. That means that, if Five is panicked, Aidan will force panic upon himself. He’ll induce an emotion physically to get a psychological and emotional reaction.

And here, it’s clear that whatever he was thinking out, however he had prepped for this scene, was working. Because you can freeze these frames and, sure, see funny faces. But you’ll also see flashes of fear, of desperation, of panic, of anger. Fear and panic because he may fail his siblings, he may not be able to save them. Desperation because he needs this to work, he is going to murder all these people and so he needs it to work. And anger because the Handler is making him do this again; he’s right under her thumb once more.

All of these emotions, every damn one, is played out in this one. fucking. scene. And that’s insane.

Those emotions come to a head here:

Aidan’s deep, stabilizing breath grounds Five. He has gotten his rage and desperation and fear out. Now, there’s only one thing for Five to do: murder the Board. And it’s an instant click here.

There’s the deep breath. The understanding. The resignation to what needs to be done.

Then a head turn.

Then boom. Look carefully. You can see the light drain from his eyes, see the hesitation bleed out right there. Right there. All within a breath, head turn, a beat, then a face forward.

That is some intense grasp on your physicality, your emotions, and your portrayal of those emotions. Aidan’s always been fantastic at emoting, but subtle scenes like this just prove his class in it. It’s incredible to see.

And then this scene:

This shit is actually an amazing move on Aidan’s part. It holds both literal and metaphorical weight: he sighs, from exhaustion, because Five is fucking tired after jumping that much, expending that much energy in a short amount of time, and narrowly letting his target escape. But it’s also showing a mental exhaustion, a wearing of the mind on the body. He sighs from relief, but it’s ironic, because the fight is far from over.

And you can see that.

Notice how Aidan may be sighing - sighing with his whole body - but the exhaustion is still in his eyes, his brow is still furrowed. There is no relief there, because there isn’t any relief for Five in this moment. His mission has been accomplished, but he has to deal with the Handler, with the aftermath, with the repercussions of his selfish actions to save his family.

And you can see it all in this movement.

KEY NOTES: When acting out internal conflict, be subtle. Obvious movements are made for obvious, external conflicts. A person who punches first in a bar fight as an obvious external conflict. But, like shown here, a person who is breaking from the inside out will have external action, but also internal emotion that comes out in the most subtle of ways, whether it be through expression, through contradicting action (the sigh, but no visible relief), etc.

More often than not, in the arts, less is more. However, you first need to understand the more to be able to do the less. So analyze the scene, analyze the character, understand it fully, and feel it truthfully.

Onto the next!

This scene is quick but beautiful.

I love the entire apocalypse scene, and I’m sure you do as well. But this one moment right here. This moment where he sees Klaus and backs away? Fucking beautiful.

Let’s just zoom in, shall we?

Yes, a lovely grainy gif. But God it shows everything you need it to. This scene is a fucking gutpunch, and here’s why:

You can see every flicker of emotion, every transition. It’s in the way his mouth eventually closes, the way he backs up, slowly. It’s so fucking evident that Five is heartbroken, and you can see the thoughts going through his head. The realization that this is Klaus, that his siblings are dead, that he is alone in this apocalypse and his family is dead. The tears in his eyes...

God, bro. It hits so good.

Not being able to use dialogue can sometimes be difficult, because the actor doesn’t have a key part of their craft with them: words. Being able to emote, to shift from emotion to emotion so seamlessly with just a meager movement of the jaw while backing away. It’s incredible.

That’s literally all this is about. I chose this as my number six because it is so powerful within only a hundred-or-so frames. Having an actor be able to emote to clearly with just facial expression...

Shit, bro. Shit. It’s fantastic.

Like I said, the rest of this scene is amazing, and him finding his other siblings is intense, but this look right here is just...unparalleled. 

KEY NOTES: Feel that shit. If you can’t feel it, craft a narrative to make yourself feel it. Again, acting is always about believing and living truthfully in imaginary circumstances, and sometimes it’s difficult to express emotions and feelings as is, let alone without dialogue. To help that, think of something.

For example, in this scene, if I were Aidan, I would think about the fact that these people I love are dead, the world as I know it is destroyed. Sure, I may not know that literal feeling, but I do understand the feeling of hopelessness, of feeling so utterly alone. Make it so that you’re able to live truthfully, however you need to do that. People usually don’t have completely empty heads; they’re thinking of things, of many things, often. So think about those things in-scene and in-character, and feel it.

Additionally, this is going back to the less is more. Aidan barely moves, here. His expression is relatively static but that slow back away, that hardening of his jaw, those things are gentle shifts that drastically change the way Five is in the scene. He goes from shocked, slack-jawed and glassy-eyed, to feeling cold realization as he closes his mouth and backs away, the understanding dawning upon him.

I could gush about this for decades...

Next!

This whole barn scene is just...gold as fuck. But this scene in particular, with the interwoven flashbacks of Five’s siblings, his father, his instances with time travel. The realizations that cross his face are beautiful, which in turn, makes this scene fantastic.

Get ready for some awkwardly close close-ups, because I’m about to explain some really cool shit as to how Aidan’s using facial expressions to navigate pain, realization, fear, surprise, etc.

So here’s why:

FEELING THE FEELINGS.

That’s how. A lot of what makes this scene powerful from an acting perspective is because Aidan completely suspends himself in disbelief. There are a lot of surprises that come to Five in this moment, and Aidan feels them all. And he feels them powerfully. He feels the shock around the pain of being shot, on top of it.

So to kick it off! Here:

Aidan’s living in this moment. He’s living in the anger of the Handler, thinking he’s going to die right here. His siblings have just been murdered again, by this bitch. And the audience is able to live in that with him. His eyes harden. His jaw sets. He’s breathing tight around the pain, infuriated, either shaking from the agony or the hatred or both.

Five is so caught up in that moment, and Aidan suspends himself in that moment so clearly, that the next moment is powerful as shit.

The Handler gets shot.

She gets turned to swiss-fucking-cheese right in front of him, and the way Aidan lets Five live in every second is beautiful. He goes from shocked, to confused, to going, “oh shit, that looks painful”. And it’s muted by his pain. Aidan doesn’t need to move much, he doesn’t need to make a grandiose gesture. It’s wide eyes, it’s knitted eyebrows, it’s swallowing around the blood and letting Five be in this moment.

And then Five realizes - Aidan lets Five realize - that the Swede has taken the Handler’s place. That he’s going to die all over again.

There is that anger again. That pure fucking spite. It’s the look of a man who would murder someone if he could sit up. His jaw sets from before, where it was slack with surprise and sympathetic pain. Look how sharp his eyes are. Boy is fucking pissed and it’s beautiful.

Let’s hop back! Back to movement!

Aidan’s squirming around here?

Realistic as shit. Five’s just been shot. That’s absolute agony. And there’s blood coming down the side of his mouth, which means his lungs have somehow been hurt. He can’t talk, breathing must suck, and so of course he’s writhing on the ground.

And this?

Is Five clenching his hands from pain? Is he trying to blink? What’s going on here? I don’t know, maybe Aidan does, but either way, both motivations are powerful. Five may be trying to blink away. He may be trying to tap into his powers instinctively. Or maybe he’s squirming in pain, clenching and unclenching his fists. And that shit punches. It’s so subtle, but so good, keeping the audience in the moment. No matter where you look on his body, whether his hands, his face, his chest - it all shows the agony he’s in, the desperation he’s swimming in.

Which then leads to the coolest fucking moment:

Look at how his eyes shift, only just so. His brows furrow only slightly. He’s realizing what’s going on, what he can do to save his family. Aidan played this perfectly. Again, less is more. These subtle movements make so much sense, because Five has been shot, he’s losing blood fast, and it’s dulling his movements and senses.

And when Five begins turning back the seconds?

The pain, the shock, the “holy shit this is working???” My god, you can see him choking on the blood and around the agony. You can see his hesitation, his being startled by his own powers, by what he is capable of. The rapid blinking, the jumping eyebrows, the gasping for air as the bullets likely begin ripping out of him.

KEY NOTES: Subtle subtle subtle. Live in that moment. Suspend your disbelief. Here, in this scene, there are several key shifts. These shifts are supposed to be a massive surprise to Five. And because Aidan is king at staying in the moment, and letting that moment live in him, he is able to display these shifts perfectly.

1st Shift - Realizing he is alive, and his siblings are dead.

2nd Shift - The Handler getting shot.

3rd Shift - Axel moving to kill him.

4th Shift - The realization of his father’s words.

5th Shift - Holy shit time travel is working.

All of them need to have a shift in-scene/with the tone. Aidan shifts this with pure expression. He doesn’t need to utter a single word because he is able to live in that moment and truly let himself be shocked, scared, desperate, angry, etc. So, in order to do this, live in the moment.

Some people say knowing exactly what will happen helps, because you’re able to time your expressions perfectly. Others say that knowing nothing helps, because you’re literally letting yourself be surprised. This truly depends on the actor, and their style. Aidan has expressed that he waits to read his lines until he’s there, on set, because then it’ll be more of a shock to him. That works really well for him (clearly) but it may not work for you, so test that out how you’d like.

Onto the next!

This. 

Shit. 

Is so good.

The moment when Five meets with Dolores again after god knows how much time while he was at the Commission-- It’s beautiful. And again, being the king of the subtle, Aidan can display the perfect mix of emotions that are occurring in this scene.

Here’s what’s up:

As many people may have noticed, a lot of these fantastic, key moments for me, in particular, are special due to subtlety. And subtlety is seen in the micro-expressions displayed through the face, mainly. Specifically, the eyes. Aidan’s ability to act solely through his eyes is something I’m going to focus on for this scene in particular.

These are his eyes the moment he sees Dolores again. And what’s really, really fucking cool is that Aidan is completely living in this scene. It shows in his eyes: real compassion, real love, real care. Sure, Aidan may not care about the mannequin in front of him, but he is thinking about something, whether that’s Five’s ties to Dolores, or someone in his life that he truly feels fond over.

You can see it.

His eyes soften significantly as the gif continues, and you can even see the corners of his eyes upturn after he says, “Dolores”. There is real love here. The actor is able to portray true love through just the eyes. And that’s insane. Many actors express love through physical action because they may not be actually feeling it. They’ll say, “I love you” but express flatly, with dull eyes and a forced smile.

But here. No, not that shit. This shit has Aidan feeling everything. And it makes a big difference, makes everything feel so much more genuine. Good acting is through the eyes, not the words. Dialogue enhances the story, but being genuine, and selling that story as “reality”, is done by the actor, through the eyes, the subtle expressions, the minimal gestures and movements.

Let’s look at some more eyes?

Now, I fucking hate looking at eyes. But with Aidan - like with many good actors - I find them fascinating to watch. Because if an actor is feeling it, is living in the moment, they will express fantastically through their eyes. Most human communication is body language/unspoken, and I’m willing to bet a good chunk of that is through the eyes alone.

You can see Five thinking in that second gif, his eyes flicking left, left further, deep in thought for just a second. That is the thing you should be envisioning when authors say, “they could practice see the wheels turning in their head”.

In that first gif, Aidan’s compassion and softness, his quiet eyes, are contrasted by the sharp roll following the “obviously”, which makes the love being expressed to Dolores only that much stronger. It enhances the moment. See, because being too subtle the entire time makes it so the audiences don’t pick up much at all, they don’t feel it. And being too obvious makes you an amateur, makes it comical, almost.

When you’re strong in your craft, you’re able to make every single move in the most calculated of manners, but you make it seem effortless, make it seem natural. That’s incredible shit.

I’m by no means saying Aidan is perfect. He definitely isn’t. But, scenes like this showcase his experience in the field.

KEY NOTES:

Piggybacking off the subtlety discussed earlier, practice living in the moment. There is no real way to practice “being subtle” because it manifests naturally when the actor is living in the moment. Hence why this scene is so high on my list.

So learn to equate the emotions of your characters to your life. Tie your character’s life into yourself, somehow, all while keeping a safe distance. It’s by no means easy, and it takes years to learn how to do that, how to express naturally and not force a single thing. Being vulnerable, and raw, and flawed like that is hard, since so many people are taught that flaws are shameful, that perfection is required for success. But acting, like much of the arts, require you to unravel that believe and be truly vulnerable, exposed to possibly millions of viewers.

So learn to live in the moment. That will shield you all whilst letting you live freely as the character and, therefore, express truthfully and subtly.

Next!

Remember my rant about subtlety?

Yeah, fuck that, because with this, we’re going to talk about going off the rails. But, going off the rails in a tasteful manner. The paradox psychosis scenes were a beautiful contrast to a normally stiff, calculated character. it was satisfying, and entertaining, and so fucking powerful when breaking down the psychology of Five.

So let’s hop into that:

Psychology is everything to a character, because it is everything to humanity, and people as a whole. Every decision made is dictated by psychology, by experiences and how those are compartmentalized and processed in the brain. An action isn’t done without it meaning something to the person.

And the same goes for every character made.

If you are a writer, you need to understand the actions and reactions of your characters based on their experiences and their psychology. If you just...write random shit because you want to, or because it seems funny or creepy, it may be good, but it won’t line up psychologically and it’ll show. It’ll be obvious to those of us that study this day-in-day-out. 

The same goes for acting and actors.

An actor will be much more powerful in their role if they can understand their character’s psychology. The amount of empathy going into this is intense, especially for those playing “villains” or antagonists - those with flimsy morals - because you need to be able to break down, understand, and agree with the psychology of your character. It’ll make them so much more realistic and powerful.

That is why seeing Five - a normally calculated, sharp, careful character - off the shits is the best thing ever. And it’s in-character, too! He’s learned over the years that independence is the key to survival, that thought (as opposed to action, or outbursts) yields better results.

Yet here, in the scene, Five is relying upon Luther’s help. He’s trusting his brother. He’s acting irrationally. He’s skittish. And it’s such a beautiful contrast. Admittedly, this scene is more about the writing than Aidan’s acting, but it is still fantastically acted, and that only adds more to the realism, to the intensity, to the fact that it is so not Five to do this, and yet, it is very much so Five.

That! Is because of body language.

We know it is Five, that it is in-character, because it still follows Five’s normal body language, his gestures, his manic buzzing around despite his words sounding paranoid, despite his actions being rash. I’ve already spent a lot of time on this number already, so I’ll just demonstrate with a specific scene:

He’s pensive as hell right here. Shoulders tense, shifting back wards. He knows what’s going on, he’s as terrified as he allows himself to be (because he can’t stifle it, perhaps), and it’s so very Five while also being not Five at all. 

Despite the music telling us it’s all gucci, it is not all gucci. Look at his eyes. They harden. They get dark. His demeanor completely shifts into caution. he swallows. Steels himself. This is the Five we know - a paranoid little shit - and yet, there is fear that is so uncharacteristic. All through Aidan’s beautiful acting. All through him understanding the psychology of Five perfectly. This is why it is required that you understand your character’s every move, every action, every line of dialogue, every thought.

So, this kind of shit throughout the entire paradox psychosis scene is just amazing. And it’s exactly for the reasons listed above. Aidan knows Five. Not only is he Five, but he knows Five. Inside and out. And god does it show.

KEY NOTES:

Know your character. Know them better than you know yourself. Deadass. Know them better thank you know yourself so that you can delve into the meat of their psychology and tweeze out exactly what you need to do in order to act them correctly.

Onto the next!

This gourmet shit.

Time to get uncomfortably close once again.

The jaw clench! The cheek tightening! The head tilt! The lips thinning! Look at that beautiful expression. See, acting, like writing, is all based on formula. Now, I’m going to out myself, but I’m autistic. Facial expressions, movements, twitches, etc. aren’t inherent to me, and understanding them and analysis them is a learned behavior.

Actors and writers, like me, need to understand the formula.

Clenched jaw + fidgeting + tightening lips = numerous things, ranging from frustration, to anger, to desperation, to pain.

But when you include the eyes.

The eyes tell it all. 

Small, watering, tight at the corners, knitted brows. All of these, plus our formula above, create the perfect mix of frustration, desperation, pain, fear.

He is frustrated with the situation, with Vanya. He is desperate to get her to listen. He is in pain because he hates to do this to her, hates to have to fight her on this. And he is scared because what if he has to fight her?

Actors are usually conscious - at least at first - about these movements. They learn to have complete control of their bodies, their faces, down to the muscle. Or, they should. I can’t speak for Aidan, because I’m not him, clearly. But I can safely say that, if he doesn’t consciously have control of his body and understand exactly what’s going on, then he  has some intense intuition about his emotions. He is able to perfectly display a mishmash of emotions, all perfect given the situation, the character, his experiences.

Aidan gives Five the multi-layering goodness that we analysis kids love because Five isn’t just upset. He isn’t just frustrated. He is frustrated on top of being scared, and agonized, and exhausted (you can see the weariness in his eyes; it’s all in the eyes).

KEY NOTES

I’m not sure if this would help, but try making a formula. If you are worried about your character not doing an emotion right, or wanting to do multiple emotions at once, craft a formula or a chart. 

So, say you want depression and anger. A basic formula could look like this:

Depression = Hollow Eyes + Monotone Voice + Slumped Posture

Anger = Shaking + Sharp Eyes + Clenched Fists 

Then, you can combine the two together. You can have hollowed eyes, and a monotone voice, but also sharpened corners to the eyes, and clenched fists. Here, Aidan is tapping into multiple things, things that have interwoven specifics to their formulas. That’s why it works so beautifully. His eyes scream agony, his jaw tightens with frustration, his eyebrow knit together with frustration--

Bless this kid and his acting.

Anyways, last but definitely not least, here is my final analysis:

Now, this scene may not seem like the most intense acting ever, but in reality - to me - this shit is insanely powerful. It’s not just the acting going into work here; it’s the blocking, the dialogue, the pacing, the atmosphere, the emotional environment, the music and sound engineering...

It’s a fucking cinematic masterpiece.

But, since I am here to talk about just acting, and just Aidan’s acting, let me tell you about how this scene is made so good. There are two reasons:

One, is that Aidan is a master at post traumatic stress disorder and PTSD psychological processes and how that comes out in action, reaction, dialogue delivery, etc.

And two, he acts like a grown-ass old man.

Let’s talk about the second one first, because why not:

(apologies ahead of time for fucked gifs, this scene is impossible)

This scene. It’s just a drink. Chill, whatever, right?

Wrong.

It’s the way he moves. The way he drinks. The way he holds himself when he is around Reginald, another man his age. Around another man his age that had abused him, had done him wrong, but in Five’s eyes, some whom he had done wrong, too.

Luther is the sibling that is always said to be in denial about their father’s wrongdoings, but a lot of people neglect the fact that Five is, too. He is just as much in denial as Luther, if not more so by the time season two wraps up.

And it shows.

It shows in the way he moves as if they were equals, when they are so clearly not. He tils his head, gives acknowledgement in the way old men do. The generational gap is closed by Aidan’s movements, not by his words. It’s incredibly satisfying to see Five’s psychology bleeding through as he instinctively shifts from “I’m dealing with a bunch of kids” to “I’m alongside a man my age, my father”.

And speaking of psychology, let’s please talk about PTSD.

Specifically, subtle show not tell of PTSD, all through the eyes.

Right. Here.

Look, I’m not going to lie, if I analyze this scene, it’ll be the same things you’ve heard before. Everything I gushed about earlier is going to be repeated here for the ultimate finale on this long-ass fucking post.

But, humor me.

Five’s got trauma. Bitch has trauma for days. Though, he doesn’t wear it. He hides it, he buries it, because it is useless to him. Yet, it will always be there. His trauma of abandonment, and survival in the apocalypse, on top of the abuse from his father, the stress of his childhood, and topped off with the murder he had to shoulder for the sake of the Commission. Rarely does this show. Rarely is it seen.

Save for scene likes this. Right. Fucking. Here.

Aidan knows Five. And he knows the traumas Five’s endured.

Five can’t look at his father as he admits his failures, the snide, “I told you so” ringing through his head. He has to acknowledge that his father was right, that he was right all along. This is a burden Five has carried for decades, as seen with his discussion with Diego in 2x02. It’s not something small for him. So, to admit that...

The stare says it all.

His eyes are glazed over, lost in the past. He isn’t looking at Reggie, is looking past him. This is the thousand-yard stare you always read about. These are the eyes of agony, and regret, and a flashback. His eyes flick, flick to the side, towards the camera, as Five remembers something. Aidan knows how to play this. He knows how to play this trauma of remembering, of remembering what he had done to his siblings and how he has failed. And, finally, he is able to look and Reginald but he is choking back something. He swallows thickly, as if it’s almost sickening to do so.

Aidan’s understanding of Five, and his trauma and psychology, and expressing it all through his body language, and expression, and eyes. God, it’s fucking mesmerizing.

SO TO WRAP IT UP

Everything here is purely my opinion, but if I were to leave you with anything, acting (and writing) comes down to three basic things:

--Understanding the psychology of your character, through-and-through.

--Understanding your body, your expressions, your eyes, and how you react and can react to specific emotions.

--Living in the moment, and being present in the character’s life, being truthful to them over yourself.

These are the things that Aidan excels at. God, he is amazing at it. And I appreciate the hell out of it any time I see him. He is so truthful to Five, so honest to the character, that it’s beautiful to watch. Five is so flawed, so hurt, and so complex, and Aidan isn’t afraid to show us this vulnerability. I suppose that should be one last thing that all writers and actors and anyone in the arts should strive for:

--Vulnerability, pain, fear, and raw, oftentimes shielded emotions are not something to hide but, rather, are your greatest strength.

#aidan gallagher #the umbrella academy #umbrella academy #tua #number five #five hargreeves #five #acting analysis

[zevlors-tail]

Hi I feel really bad for sending in an emergency request but bakugou, deku, or kaminari comforting and helping a reader who is going through a major depressive episode with suicidal thoughts. I’m so sorry I feel really bad for asking

A/N: I could not have gotten this at a more convenient time. I just want to say thank you for requesting this, and please don’t be sorry for asking about this. If you want to talk my dms are open, but I hope this helps! This was extremely cathartic for me to write. I only did Bakugou for the moment, but I fully plan on coming back at some point to at least add Denki (and also Deku eventually). Bakugou as a secret comfort character for me? It’s more likely than you think.

TW: Suicidal ideation, suicidal thoughts, suicidal reader, depression. PLEASE DO NOT READ if these things trigger you. It’s extremely descriptive and emotional!

Bakugou Katsuki

“Hey...are you okay?” 

You barely snapped out of your foggy trance as you slowly blinked, your coworker’s face coming into focus eventually as you gathered your surroundings you had long since forgotten about. Your response was immediate, familiar words strung together with little effort after saying them over and over again. No longer did they drag you down and taste like lies in your mouth; now they were just the ghost of a feeling you struggled to remember, an empty shell with hollowed out meaning. 

“Oh, yeah...just tired,” you drawled. And you were.

There weren’t too many days anymore that you didn’t feel drained, didn’t feel like the weight of the world was sitting on your shoulders. You felt heavy- both mentally and physically, like there were weights tethered to your arms and legs. It made you feel utterly exhausted at the end of every day and stole your motivation to get up in the morning. Your bed never seemed more comfortable, and your sheets never seemed so warm. If you had the choice, you would allow yourself to lie there forever, to skip work in favor of sleeping through the whole day, because what good was there in being awake, anyway? Lately it just seemed like everything was a waste.

“Are you sure? You just seem...down.” Your coworker gave you a concerned look, and you thought it ironic that the day you felt you might snap was the day everyone chose to finally ask if you were alright. Maybe she could see it on your face, or maybe you finally looked how you felt inside. Whatever the case, you didn’t care. In fact, you hardly cared about anything; it was hard to care about your life when you felt there was no value to it.

“I’m fine! Just really tired,” you repeated without hesitation.

“Okay, if you’re sure.” She seemed to take the explanation without any further question, shrugging and turning around to get back to what she had been doing before. “Just make sure management doesn’t catch you staring off like that; I think they’re in a bad mood today.”

Logically, you knew you were dealing with depression. Depression was not something new to you; this had happened before, and you had managed to dig yourself out of your own hole each time, but this time was...different. Logic didn’t stop the thoughts rampaging through your mind, didn’t quiet the voices that told you others would be better off without you. You felt like a burden to everyone, a walking problem that caused trouble everywhere you went. Just this morning at work you had dropped something accidentally, and it had spilled all over the floor and under the tables, the mess reaching into the cracks and crevices of the tiles where it would be harder to get to. You had done the best you could to clean it up, but in the end, the janitor had to step in and clean up the mess that you made. Maybe it was just an accident, and maybe you didn’t mean to spill your food, but you couldn’t see past the fact that you were always like this. Always spilling things, always causing problems for others, always inconveniencing everyone you came into contact with. Maybe...it would be better if you had stayed in bed all day instead of coming to work.

Maybe it would be better if you had never woke up in the first place.

...No!

You shook the thought from your head, doing your best to ignore it and focus on something else. Come on, you told yourself, focus on your job. But your mind remained hazy as you continued on with work, and it only served to cause more problems for you. By the end of the day, you had accidentally dropped a couple more items, slipped on some water and fell face first to the ground, and towards the end of your shift, just as you were clocking out, you bumped into an unruly customer who was clearly having none of it today. Hands reached out to shove you away and you stumbled, tripping over your own feet as you tried to get a grip and regain your balance.

“Watch where you’re going, god! Are you blind or something!? Jesus!”

For any other person, it might have just made them upset or angry, but it would have been passed off as a bad day, a bad moment in the grand scheme of things that would go away with time. But for you? For you it was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Whatever motivation and will to live you had left, it was gone within the instant, replaced with a numb, empty feeling. What was the point in all of this? If this was life, if you were constantly going to cause problems and get in people’s way, what was your purpose here?

If nothing was enjoyable anymore...you just wanted it to end. It was too late for you anyways; you felt too far gone to be saved. And honestly...what was even left to save? You felt like a shell of your former self.

And that was how you left the store, feet dragging against the ground as you numbly walked to your car to go home. It took you a while to collect yourself, so you sat there for a few minutes in the parking lot, keys stuck in the ignition and hands resting loosely on the steering wheel. Finally, you worked up the will to actually start the car, and then you were on your way home. Home...where you would probably just lie through your teeth again and go lay in bed for the rest of the night.

Bakugou was in the kitchen making dinner when you padded through the foyer and announced your arrival, the smell of spices overwhelming rather than inviting or enticing. But then again, you didn’t have much of an appetite lately, and you found the thought of sleep to be more appealing than the thought of food anyways.

“I’m home.” Your voice was quieter than usual, your tone flat and monotonous. Bakugou didn’t respond for a minute, and you wondered if he had even heard you over the sound of something sizzling in a pan.

“Y/N, that you?” A head poked out from around the corner, red eyes meeting E/C. “How was work?”

“It was work.” You blinked and kicked your shoes off haphazardly, your body already caving in on itself as you made your way to the bedroom. If Bakugou noticed the change from your usual demeanor, he said nothing about it, only going back to what he was doing in the kitchen when you retreated to your sanctuary for the night.

Finally alone with your thoughts, you crawled under the soft sheets with your work clothes still on and curled up, eyes already shutting even before your head hit the pillow. At some point you must have managed to fall asleep, because the next thing you knew you were being shaken awake by Katsuki, a sweet and savory smell drifting through the air. Your stomach rumbled, and though it felt empty, you still didn’t feel like eating emotionally. The only thing you seemed to feel now was a heaviness settling on your soul.

“Y/N, come eat.” Either you were imagining things or Bakugou’s normally gruff voice was more gentle and relaxed as he woke you from your slumber.

You protested with a whine, your face scrunching up in annoyance from being woken up. “Tired...” you mumbled.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. But you haven’t had anything since you came home from work, babe.”

“That was only an hour ago...” you started, your voice still thick from sleep. But as you looked towards your alarm clock on the nightstand next to the bed, you were surprised to find that the little digital numbers read 11:58 pm. You’d slept for a little over five hours since you had arrived home. “Shit-!”

That seemed to do the trick, and you were scrambling up and out of bed in no time, panic and confusion washing over you from your prolonged nap. Had you really slept so long? You hadn’t meant to, but it did feel nice to have a small break from everything you felt when you were awake. And again, you caught yourself wondering if maybe the world would be better off if you never woke up. Eventually the haziness of your dream state faded, leaving you with the same reality you had been facing earlier in the day. You wanted nothing more than to go back to bed and curl up in your state of melancholy, but you were up now, and Katsuki would worry if you didn’t eat anything.

The two of you made your way to the dinning room table where a plate of reheated leftovers sat along with some silver cutlery, a cute little holiday napkin leftover from Halloween resting next to it. You stared at the pumpkin covered paper for a while before picking up your fork and stabbing at whatever dish Bakugou had decided on for dinner. Lately he seemed to be on a vegetable kick, though a healthy dose of fruits and meats were also thrown into the mix for balance. You mindlessly chewed, not really paying attention to the flavor if there was any at all. In fact, it felt like you were chewing cardboard. You didn’t enjoy the taste or feel; you only ate purely out of habit and need to.

“Do you not like it?” Bakugou pulled you from your reverie of thoughts, your head snapping up in his direction when he spoke.

“Huh?”

“The food. You’ve barely touched it in the last ten minutes.”

Ten minutes? Since when had that much time passed? Looking down at your plate, you realized he was correct. Over half of your food remained untouched, bits and pieces of it spread around from your fork and pushed to the side as if it was your least favorite meal. You hadn’t even noticed you were playing with it, and you wondered how long you had been just sitting there scooting food around with a blank look on your face.

“No, it was good.” Liar. You’d hardly been able to taste it. But it wasn’t just food that had lost it’s merit to you, if you really thought about it. The world just didn’t seem as lively; colors seemed washed out and faded, food held no taste, and music just didn’t sound the same. Nothing was enjoyable for you anymore.

“Y/N. You know you can tell me if there’s something going on, right?” Bakugou’s eyes bored into you while you just stared at the brightly colored napkin.

“Yeah, I know!” you chirped back, eyes briefly flickering up to meet his gaze before returning to orange pumpkins.

“Is there anything you want to talk about?” It sounded like a question, but really it was an invite. He knew there was something going on with you. Asking you was his way of giving you room to explain yourself before he decided to pry. Usually he was mindful of any boundaries you might have had, but Katsuki was never a fool, and you tended not to open up easily. Sometimes a little pushing and prodding on his part was necessary.

“Not really? Just work, but it was the usual. I’m just tired.” Even as you tried to pass your unusual behaviors off as a bad day at work and exhaustion, you couldn’t hide the sour note that slipped into your voice along with the visible scowl you made. But the emotions were short lived, and you were back to feeling defeated and down within mere seconds.

“Hey...” You felt compelled to look up at him when he softened his voice even more, but everything in you told you to hold back and keep staring at those damn balls of orange on the napkin. Why, you weren’t sure- maybe it was to keep from crying, or maybe it was to suppress the feelings that were slowly surfacing within you, or maybe it was just because you no longer cared. “Are you alright?”

You visibly winced when he asked. Suddenly everything hurt; everything was a mess, it was all wrong, all of it, and you just wanted it to stop. The pain, the numbness, the thoughts- everything. It felt like you hadn’t been able to catch a break since the day you were born. Day in and day out you lived like that, and no one would ever ask if you were okay. No one took the time to check on you properly; no one seemed to notice when you felt like you were at your worst. Well...no one except Bakugou. He’d been your rock for a long time now, but lately everything had gotten much worse, and you had kept certain things from him so as not to burden him with your troubles. In your eyes, he had enough of his own problems; hero work was already rough on him as it was, so you kept things to yourself so he wouldn’t feel overwhelmed. 

“Why does everyone always ask that when it’s already too late?”

The words tumbled uncontrollably from your mouth as your brows furrowed, a pained look clouding your dull eyes. Bakugou took a moment to process what you said before responding, eyes still locked onto you.

“What does that mean?” He already knew. You could hear it through the apprehensiveness in his voice, see it in the way he gritted his teeth anxiously. “Y/N, what does that mean?”

You glared at the blurry orange shape below you (were you crying...?), refusing to look Katsuki in the eyes. You were afraid of what might happen if you did. “I’m just...a waste of space.” There was a strange conviction to your voice, as if you’d made up your mind about something. Bakugou did not miss this. You, however, did miss the flash of fear in his ruby eyes as you spoke. “I cause problems for everyone I meet. I’m just a giant inconvenience to the world, and everyone would be better off without me. I don’t matter.”

“Y/N.”

“Would anybody even care if I was gone? I mean really, what difference am I making here?”

“Y/N, look at me.”

“It would be better that way. People wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore, and I don’t have to deal with all of...this.” You made some sort of gesture with your hands, your voice cracking as you held back hot tears. “Life. It’s just...it’s so exhausting. I’m so, so tired of having to wake up every day and drag myself out of bed and live. Nothing is fun anymore, and it’s hard just to breathe. I mean, seriously!? Come on, ya know? I didn’t ask for this, I don’t want to live like thi-!” You choked up, silent sobs wracking your shoulders as you buried your faced in your hands. 

Across the table, Bakugou slid from his chair and made his way to you, feet thudding against the floor as he quickly closed the distance and kneeled down to your level. “I knew something was wrong, but...” He gently cupped your face in his hands, palms warm against your tear stained cheeks. “How long have you been feeling like this?”

You struggled to remember when this all started. Minutes turned to hours, hours to days, and days to weeks that blurred into months eventually. Time blended together, and you couldn’t recall the last time you felt able to get up in the morning without feeling like it was a chore. “I don’t know...” you answered honestly.

Bakugou rubbed his thumbs against your face carefully, a soft sigh leaving his lips as he brought you into an embrace against his chest. You didn’t fight it, instead leaning into his touch while crying, and the two of you stayed there for quite some time before Katsuki spoke up about how he was feeling.

“You may think that you don’t make much of a difference here on this earth, but that’s just utter bullshit, Y/N. You make a hell of a big difference to me and everyone else around you, and you would be sorely missed and grieved over. Don’t you dare for one second think that you’re not important or loved, because you are; you are so, so loved.”

“It doesn’t feel that way,” you cried.

“I know, babe. It’s hard to see it right now, I know. Your mind is telling you the opposite. But believe me when I say you are the most loving and caring person I know. You’re always reaching out to others, maybe even a little too much, and you’re always checking on them. You’ve made a world of difference to everyone. Your friends need you, your family needs you, and I need you here. And I would be devastated if anything were to happen to you.” It was hard to believe anything he said. You wanted to, you wanted to so desperately. But you weren’t sure of anything anymore, and the most you could do was cling to him like a koala and hope that what he said was true. “Let me in. Let me be there for you. Trust me, please.” You’d never heard those words from Katsuki before. They sounded odd coming from his mouth, like they didn’t really belong on his tongue. But you listened because it was Bakugou, and you wanted to trust him. You wanted to be able to feel okay, and he’d always been there no matter how much you’d tried to push him away.

“Okay,” you murmured against his chest, your tired eyes drooping shut in exhaustion. Your shoulders followed suit as they slumped downwards, and you gave in and crumbled into his arms. 

“You’re not a waste of space. You’re extremely important to me, and I don’t tell you that enough. Every day when you leave for work, I miss you. I love when you come home and greet me, and I’m a better person because of you. Y/N, you’ve gotten me through shit I didn’t think I was going to make it out of. And you know what? We can do this. We can do it together, and it’s going to take a lot of work, but we will do it. You’re not getting rid of me that easy.” You couldn’t help but to smile at that. “And I know you feel like a burden, but you’re not. Your problems are never a bother. People are here for you, they want to help support you and listen to you. I want to support you. I’m here, and I’m not going anywhere. Everything’s gonna be okay. I love you.” 

You couldn’t stop the fresh tears from falling, quiet hiccups taking over you as you cried into his shirt. “I love you too,” you managed somehow.

Bakugou rubbed a hand over your back, his chin coming to rest on your head as he sighed. “I’m not going to let you give up on yourself, no matter what.”

#bakugou katsuki #bakugou x reader #katsuki x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #katsuki bakugou #bakugou #katsuki #bnha #mha #tw suicidal thoughts #tw suicidal ideation #tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: suicidal ideation #tw: depression #tw depression

[mariesdameron]

Sophie & Sackler Chapter Nine: I won't give up on you.

CW: Mental Health (Anxiety, panic attacks, depression, self negative talk) Morning Sickness associated with pregnancy, pregnancy, infertility issues, doctor's office, blood, wound, stitches, prescription medication, mention of potential miscarriage, medical termination, arguing. (It's worth the read, I promise)

WC: 4 674

AN: It was so refreshing to visit these two again. I am sorry for anyone following the series for the very long delay in Chapter Nine. I appreciate your continued love and support for me and Sophie and Sackler.

Read on Ao3

Sophie & Sackler Masterlist

Two pink lines are all it takes to change your entire life--two pink lines. Sophie stared at the three discarded pregnancy tests still peeking out from the trash can. After the first one, she knew that she was pregnant, but anxiety spurred her to take two more.

She had been puking for the last week. Soul-sucking exhaustion had plagued her, and when her period didn't show, it was settled. Sophie curled herself into a ball. Getting pregnant was not something that could happen for her, or so the doctors had informed her for the last fifteen years of her life. It was destined to fail. It wasn't worth speaking about.

Sophie argued with herself, gazing at the bathroom tiles. She wouldn't need to do anything about it. She could go to the clinic herself instead of waiting around for the inevitable. Adam did not have to know. Teardrops spilled off her chin. They had spoken about it once, only once.

Sophie remembered when she dumped the bomb on Adam pretty early in the relationship. She tore it off like a band-aid. She couldn't have children. He needed to know; she couldn't have him imagining an impossible future together. Finally, after a few minutes of silence, Adam marched to her, dropped to his knees, and professed how much he loved her before crushing her to him.

Sophie clambered around the floor, looking for her cellphone. Dialing Sam’s phone number. The voicemail picked up, provoking a guttural scream from Sophie's breast. She needed Adam. Adam would tell her it was okay that they would deal with it together. Sophie gazed down at her cell lock screen. Adam's toothy grin begged her to call.

Sophie closed her eyes; her thoughts jumbled. She envisioned the expression on his face when he eventually learned the news. Joy would radiate over him before Sophie would grind him up with the reality of it all. She would miscarry. Sophie abandoned her phone on the floor before turning to vomit.

- - - - - -

Sophie had tried to tell Adam since she discovered the news. She had dialed his cellphone at least a hundred times and hung up before it rang. She resolved to wait. Wait until he came home, and she could sit down and do it face to face. He merited to have the discussion in person.

Sophie picked at her Blueberry Muffin as Sam sat across from her, sipping her coffee. Sam had been spending an extra amount of time with her over the last couple of weeks, thankfully.

"Do you want to go over the plan again?" Sam questioned, biting down on her lip as she studied Sophie's face. Sophie shook her head, tasting the Blueberries starting to come back up her throat.

"No. It's fine. I got it." Sophie pushed away the muffin. Sam looked doubtful.

"Well, I think it's best to just do it like we planned. Like we talked about. It's best to just put it out there right away. Don't let it fester. I mean, I get why you wanted to wait until he got home but remember he may be pissed that you waited three weeks after the fact to say anything." Sophie bit her lip. She didn't need to rehash this again. She had already decided that she would tell him his first night home. No, turning back now.

"Look, I got it. I will let him unpack. I ordered our favorite Chinese take out and once he's done with his spring roll. I will tell him." Sam rolled her eyes.

"Well, at least you still are maintaining your sarcasm." Sam peered down at her cellphone and groaned. "Alright, well, I need to get going. I really hate that I am leaving this weekend. Couldn't he have come home last weekend? For fuck's sake." Sam was in her cousin's wedding and committed to going away for the weekend. It just so happened to perfectly align with Adam's return from Los Angeles. Sam stood, grabbing Sophie by the shoulders. She squeezed Sophie to her chest. "You are going to be okay. Adam loves you. He will understand." Sophie nodded, wetting Sam's blouse.

"I know. I know." Sophie cleared her throat as Sam kissed her forehead.

"Call, text, whatever. And worst-case scenario, I can jet back right after the ceremony. But it will be fine." Sam smoothed Sophie's hair back from her face. "I promise." Sophie smiled weakly at her friend.

"Everything is going to be fine."

- - - - - -

The Chinese food was splayed out over the coffee table. Sophie had ordered all of Adam's favorites. Pacing in front of the couch, she ran her hands down her sides. She should be happy. Adam had been away for a while, deterred to Los Angeles after his big Sundance premiere.

She depressingly had kept the conversations brief. She knew that if there were longer, he would know something was up. But, instead, Adam was nothing but attentive and attuned to her and her moods. She missed him horribly. Holding onto this news broke her; she tried to address things with her therapist but canceled at the last minute. Acknowledging the truth was too hard. The only person who knew was Sam, and it was out of pure necessity.

Sophie looked at her cellphone. He was already in the city and would be arriving at any minute. She had to get it together. She couldn't meltdown as soon as he walked through the door. Adam didn't deserve this, he didn't. He didn't need the extra stress, his entire life was changing and for the greater. Sophie was only going to be the anchor that held him back.

Shaking her head at her thoughts, she stared at the picture frame on the bookshelf. It was her favorite picture of them. Sophie had tried to get both of their faces in camera view while Adam licked her face like the puppy he was. Then, like magic, she detected him at the door. On command, she was emotional as Adam entered. His bag in hand, luggage hauling behind him, and a bouquet of wildflowers balancing under his chin.

"Kid!" He shouted and dumped everything to the floor, moving to her in giant strides. Adam scooped Sophie into a firm embrace. "I fucking missed you so much." Adam murmured into Sophie's hair. "I felt like a little kid on the way here. Like it was fucking Christmas morning or something." Adam let go of her long enough to caress her face before drawing her back into a kiss.

Everything dissolved--only Adam existed. They broke from their embrace, gasping. Adam's eyes dilated, cheeks crimsoned. "I am never leaving the apartment again." He said breathlessly with a smirk that pierced Sophie's heart. Sophie ran her hands through his black mane.

"You cut your hair?" She said, hushed, allowing the silky strands to slip effortlessly through her fingers. Adam beamed, grazing kisses on her temples and cheeks.

"Yeah, my agent thought it was time to change up my look for some upcoming potential projects." He touched his lips back to hers before pretending to sulk. "Do you not like it?" Sophie shook her head.

"I love it." She purred as she sank her face into his chest, breathing him in. She nearly could let go of the panic that was building inside of her. Finding comfort in her safe harbor. Adam caged Sophie to his breast, touching his lips to her brow.

"Fuck, I really really missed you. I feel like we've hardly spoken." Adam wandered over to the living room set up. Grinning, he let go of Sophie. "I see you have laid out a mighty banquet for my return. I couldn't have planned anything more satisfying than this." Putting up his hands, he dashed to the door, plucking up the flowers he had abandoned. "For you, my lady." He bowed slightly before presenting the colorful array of perennials. Sophie swallowed down the guilt welling in her throat. He was perfect. Honestly, he was. Sophie fixed a smile and shuffled to the kitchen to find a vase. Adam thrust off his shoes and plopped down onto the couch.

"Man, I've been craving --- Lo Mein. Los Angeles is nothing compared to New York." Shoving a crab Rangoon in his mouth, he fiddled with the containers. Sophie stood in front of the sink, watching the water run. Did she have to tell him tonight? She could wait. A few days would not make a difference, not in terms of biology anyways. Instinctively her hand went to her stomach, and she sensed the urgency to be sick. How was she going to explain the constant puking? Before she grasped what was transpiring, her blood was dripping onto the stainless steel. Gazing down at the glass pieces from the vase, she distinguished Adam's muted voice next to her before her senses returned.

"Kid! Kid! What did you do?" Adam cautiously drew her hands back, examining the deep gash on her hand. " That's gonna need stitches, baby." Then, clutching the roll of paper towels, Adam wrapped up her wound. Sophie stood confused at her own carelessness.

It would have been entertaining to watch Adam work a smartphone app, however, Sophie's mind remained unable to manifest words. Her mental dissociation was in full swing, the weight of her mind dragging her through mechanical motions. Attempting to make sense of the scene, Adam led her to the door as he typed into his phone.

- - - -

Sophie sat on the end of the hospital bed. The white starkness of the room was effectively raising Sophie's anxiety, along with following her boyfriend's pacing in front of her.

"Adam, please just sit down... PLEASE." Sophie sounded slightly more forceful than intended. Adam froze and stared at her, face drained of blood. Sophie recognized that he was panicked. This was definitely not the way she desired to spend his first night home. Before Adam could speak, the Doctor strolled into the examination room. “Sophie, I am Dr. Davis.” He observed Adam, who stood fidgeting in the corner. Finally, Adam cleared his throat and stepped forward, taking the Doctor's hand.

"Adam, Sackler. Boyfriend." Dr. Davis nodded in understanding as he lifted Sophie's bandaged hand.

"Well, it was a sizeable gash, and you will need stitches, which we will be applying soon.” Dr. Davis flipped through her chart. "Is there anything else we should know about before I get started on your stitches? For example, are you allergic to anything that may not be noted on your chart?"

Sophie shook her head no, glimpsing over at Adam, who remained in the corner. His face troubled as he regarded the Doctor removing the bandaging. Sophie's mind raced. Was pregnancy something she had to tell the Doctor? This is not the fucking way Adam needed to find out that she was pregnant. Sophie's heart began racing, and the Doctor certainly took notice.

"It's alright; it will be over sooner than you think." He said, patting Sophie gently. Adam exhaled before scooting closer to them.

"I am right here, kid." His voice shaky, but his jaw locked tightly. Her chest throbbed. He didn't justify this bullshit. How could she be so stupid? How could she be so careless? Ruining his first night, becoming pregnant. She had always been so careful. She was on birth control. They didn't always use a condom, but the frequency was low. Doctor Davis stood interrupting Sophie's thoughts. He was finished. He analyzed her face before speaking.

"How are you feeling, Sophie? I saw in your chart that you were on a couple of psychiatric medications. I can bring in the nurse for something to ease the panic?" Sophie's eyes flew to Adam.

She avoided talking about her mental illness around him. She knew he didn't judge her or care, but she wanted desperately to keep it away from him. Sophie shrugged her shoulders. Doctor Davis acknowledged. "I am going to send her in with something. Xanax, I saw marked for emergency usage. I will send her in with a low dose. Just to help take the edge off.” Sophie bit her lip and accepted.

Adam slid next to her, immediately rubbing her back in comfort when they were alone. Sophie closed her eyes. She had to tell him. Adam tugged her tight to him.

"Kid, it's okay. You are all sewed up. No big deal. We will be back to the apartment, devouring our spring rolls soon." Turning, she studied his sweet freckled face that never ceased to make her heart ache.

"Adam...I have to tell you something." Sophie stuttered, the keen stabbing dread seizing her chest. Adam sympathetically leaned in and swept a kiss to her face.

"Kid, you didn't ruin my night. I know you are worried about it. I promise all I wanted is to see you." He reflected. "I mean, I didn't want to watch you gash your fucking hand open, but it's fine." He relaxed his head on Sophie's shoulder. The nurse cleared her throat as she entered. Sophie's nails burrowed into her palms as she observed the nurse move around her supplies.

"I am Minda; the Doctor thinks a small dose of Xanax would be helpful after looking over your medical history. Don't worry." The oxygen seeped from the room. Sophie couldn't breathe. "Xanax is deemed safe throughout pregnancy."

Inhaling faster, the nurse interrupted what she was doing and examined Sophie. "Deep breaths. The Doctor also wanted me to ask if you were interested in an iron infusion. We can schedule one for you to come back. Being that you are anemic, it's a good idea with you being pregnant." Sophie refused to look at Adam. She couldn't. Her eyes begged the nurse.

"Could you maybe come back in a few minutes?" Sophie mumbled amidst small gasps. The nurse's eyes widened, discerning the situation. Pursing her lips, she handed the paper cup of Xanax to Sophie.

"I'll be back in ten minutes for your discharge paperwork." Sophie kept her eyes to the floor, listening for the door to close. She waited. She waited for him to speak, but the room remained silent despite the beeps and hums from nearby equipment.

Lifting her eyes, she wasn't sure what to think. Adam sat, his arms criss crossed over his chest. His frame was trembling, his nostrils flared. He was watching Sophie. Her sight clouded, and her throat constricted as Adam stood, his hands twitching at his side.

"How long?" He stammered, rubbing his hands over his face. "How long have you known? And why didn't you tell me?" His face, drawn with agitation. Sophie shook her head, swallowing down sobs.

"I didn't know how to tell you." She faltered. Adam began pacing back and forth.

"I don't know... something like, Adam, I am pregnant would have worked okay." Sophie looked at the pills on the side table. She could take them. It would make this easier. It would prevent the impending panic attack that was threatening with every word exchanged.

Adam followed Sophie's gaze and stepped towards her, taking the cup and forcing it in her free hand. "Take them; you don't need an attack right now." His tone softened as he spoke. Sophie gulped the pills down as Adam renewed pacing. "Please say something." Finally, he stopped, misty-eyed as he pleaded. Sophie wrung her hands.

"I've known since I got back from 'Sundance.'” She whispered, seeing his face sink further. "I wanted to tell you, but I knew how much it would hurt you." Her tears leaked from her nose.

"Why? Would it hurt me, Sophie?" Adam strode to her, gripping her face in his hands. "I fucking love you. Why would I ever be upset about this? Unless..." Back hutching forward, his eyes snapped shut. Gradually, he retreated. "Did you do it? Did you 'take care’ of it? " He challenged, his voice vibrating. Sophie furiously shook her head.

"No, no." Her heart pulsated in the vice grip constricting it. She knew the memories that were inundating his brain. Raising his head, shades of crimson grew up his neck. Adam wiped his reddening eyes and smoothed back his hair.

"We can talk about this more at home. But I don't want to do this here. I'm beat from the flight, and this isn't good for you." Adam tapped his forehead. "I am going to take a walk around the floor, and then hopefully, when I get back, we can go." Sophie sucked on her lower lip, agreeing.

Sophie sank her head in her hands as Adam disappeared. She hadn't 'taken care’ of it yet, but that was up next for discussion. She had explained that the Doctors had told her she cannot carry a baby to full term. He had said he understood and loved her nevertheless.

Was he about to go against his words? This was everything Sophie wanted to avoid. She told him she couldn't have kids. Just because this accidental pregnancy happened, it doesn't equal a child. It involves a miscarriage. Despite the nauseating pains in her stomach, the impulse to scream simmered. The nurse knocked before entering, clipboard in hand.

"Just a few signatures and you are good to go." Sophie gripped the pen, knowing full well the night was not close to being over.

- - - -

The ride back to the apartment was quiet. Sackler walked straight to the bathroom and closed the door. She heard the water running. She knew he was attempting to calm down. Unfortunately, there would be no deescalating at this moment. He would need to listen to her and understand what was necessary.

Seating herself on the edge of the couch, she waited until she heard the bathroom door open. Adam leaned against the wall, facing Sophie. Sliding his restless hands into his pockets, his face distorted with emotion. Sophie licked her dry lips. Then, steadying herself against the cushions, she let it all pour out.

"I am so sorry, Adam. I know I should have told you sooner. I just thought you deserved better to hear it all in person. I didn't want it to be like this. I definitely didn't expect your first night home to go this way. I wanted us to have a few happy moments together before I dropped the news. I just knew how much it was going to hurt you. Knowing that it would result in nothing." Adam abruptly held up his hands, muttering for her to stop.

"What are you saying to me, Sophie? Have you already decided then? To just go ahead and --." Adam cleared his throat. His adam's apple bobbed harshly as he drank down his evident disgust. Anger swelled in Sophie's gut, vibrating throughout her body.

"Don't, Adam Sackler. Do not look at me like this. You KNEW!" Sophie's voice bellowed through the living room. "I told you, I couldn't have children remember? That wasn't just a lifestyle choice. I explained it all very carefully to you." Adam leaped from his spot, frantically running his hands through his hair.

"You said you couldn't get pregnant. But here you are, pregnant. Pregnant with my child." His tone dipped in desperation.

"It's not a child. It's a pregnancy. Don't put this on me, Adam. Please. I told you that I wouldn't be able to carry a child to full term. I told you." The weight of her words split her mind. It was bad enough that these thoughts plagued her mind every occasion that she strolled past a school or a park crowded with kids.

Or all the intruding conversations of 'when are you going to have children?' 'You are getting up there in age, sweetheart. You should consider.' The societal expectation that she should and could bear children produced countless episodes of worthlessness and failure. She believed she had escaped this topic with Adam after their initial conversation.

Adam kneeled and lowered his gaze. Sophie caught his sigh as he rubbed at his jaw.

"I know what we discussed, but it's at least something that we can look into? See a doctor first? Before we make any hasty conclusions." He faltered as he spoke, his pitch mounting in sentiment. Sophie wordlessly watched Adam's hunched form. His sniffling and deep breathing were venom in her veins. Her beautiful Adam, she knew her troubles would eventually destroy him and her both. Clawing into her arms, she attempted to steady her speech.

"I don't think you understand...It was made pretty clear to me that I can't have children. I guess we could get a hopeful Doctor and have them tell us to hold out and see..." Adam lifted his head, eyes eager and bloodshot. The optimism on his face induced bile up her esophagus. "You aren't the one who is going to have to go through the physical loss. The emotional toll isn't the only thing I will suffer through, please... Understand." Sophie's bottom lip quivered at the notion of going through it all again. She couldn't. Adam wiped his nose on the back of his sleeve as he stood.

"And I have to suffer knowing that this is the second chance I lose at becoming a father." His statement pierced through her. She was going to hurl.Hurrying to her feet, Sophie bolted herself in the bathroom before bowing over the toilet. Her head was a pulsating jackhammer.

"Sophie, kid. Open the door, let me help you." Sophie wept amidst upheavals. "Jesus fucking Christ kid, just unlock the door, please." Finally, Sophie regained her composure as she located a towel.

"Adam, just go." Sophie pleaded weakly, relishing in the coldness of the cloth on her blazing skin.

"Sophie, don't. Please don't do this. Let me in." Adam's voice fractured as his hands pounded against the wood. "I love you so much. I need this all to be okay." He cried. Sophie held herself, the sting of his earlier statements still raw. He would blame her forever. There wasn't winning here.

Sure, he would be more understanding on the surface if she miscarried. Still, he set her up to be the villain, with her not wanting to follow through with the pregnancy. She couldn't look him in the eyes each day, knowing that he resented her for all of this. Sophie shook when Adam roared incoherently. She stilled in the abrupt silence of the apartment. A few brief moments passed before Adam was back at the door.

"I am going to a hotel.” Sophie heard Adam's hesitation. "Text me when you are ready to talk." Then, skipping a beat, he breathed 'I love you' and 'I am sorry' before his scuffling was gone. Sophie slumped to the tile, desperate for relief from the ache in her breast, pulsating mind, and hollowness in her stomach.

- - - -

Sophie opened her eyes, blinking at the harshness of the overhead light. She had cried herself to sleep. Standing up, Sophie searched for the ibuprofen. She felt hungover. Glancing at the bathroom mirror, she grimaced. Swollen eyes and puffy cheeks stared back at her. Sophie unlocked the door, as she did, a large object fell towards her, sending her into a fury, jumping backward and screaming. She heard Adam's voice through her yells.

"KID! It's me. It's me." Adam jumped up from the floor, his hands stretching out towards Sophie. "Shh... It's just me." Adam drew Sophie to him, enveloping her into his chest. Sophie's mind intuitively eased as his comforting scent overwhelmed her thoughts.

"I thought you went to a hotel." She murmured into his shirt, pressing her face further into his breast. Adam's grip tightened as he pressed his lips to her forehead.

"I couldn't. I got to the bottom of the stairs and turned back around. My entire fucking world is right here. Why would I go anywhere else?" Sophie's muscles tightened as the previous conversation rushed back to her. Adam immediately cupped her face in his hands. "Kid, let's go to bed. Let me hold you. We don't need to talk about this anymore tonight. Let's go to bed, please." Adam's wide amber eyes silently pleaded for her to listen. Sophie nodded. Her body was heavy, her mind pained and hazy.

Adam removed both his and Sophie's clothes before pulling back the sheets and comforter. Opening his arms, he dragged her to him. Wrapping his legs and arms around her, he caged her to him.

"Sleepy time." He teased quietly as he caressed kisses into her hair. Sophie sighed deeply before allowing the steady rise and fall of Adam's chest to lull her to sleep.

- - -

Sophie woke to Adam lying on top of her, his head peacefully nuzzled into her breasts. Shaking her head and smirking, she worked her fingers through his black mane. Adam let out a small grunt.

"I've missed you so much." He mumbled, his voice gravelly from sleep.

"Me, too," Sophie whispered, scratching her nails over his scalp. Adam nudged her breast with his nose before lifting his face to look at her. Sophie moved her hand to Adam's face, running her finger down his proud nose. He really was the most handsome man.

"Can we just try?" He blurted out. "I know you are scared. I am scared to, but kid, I want to try. I know it's not fair for me to ask this of you, and if you really say you can't, I will let it go..." Adam's voice trailed off as his lips trembled.

Sophie was surprised her brain didn't spiral at his words. She couldn't deny the fact that she had thought about trying to go through with it over the last few weeks. Sophie's eyes shifted to the freckles spattered across Adam's features.

Would their child have freckles like him? Would they come out rolly polly, all smiles, ears a little too big, and a mess of black hair? Adam dropped his face back to her sternum. Both of them laid in silence for a while before Sophie cleared her throat. Adam immediately was on alert.

"We will talk to the Doctor and see what they say... Then we make a decision." She whispered, swallowing down the knot that was forming. Adam nodded.

"Then we make a decision." He repeated before caressing a delicate kiss to her lips.

- - - - -

The Doctor shut the exam room's door softly, leaving Sophie and Sackler alone with their thoughts. The Doctor had explained that Sophie was officially two months along. Everything looked fine but informed of the complications with Sophie's medical history the Doctor had told them it would be a gamble but could be a viable pregnancy. Sophie sobbed.

Adam accompanied her in her weeping as the Doctor inquired if they wanted to hear the heartbeat. Despite the nagging pain in her chest, Sophie agreed. Sackler clasped her hand to his tear-soaked lips as the steady pulse sounded throughout the room.

Now, the two sat in silence, attempting to regain their composure. Sophie stared at the white tiles. She knew he was already wholeheartedly invested. She had watched him shake, snot dripping down his nose as the exam was done. Lifting her head, Adam was staring at her, his face flushed from his emotional outburst. His arms crossed protectively across his broad chest.

"Okay." She sputtered, her breathing intensifying as her mind accepted her decision. Adam jumped back, his hands immediately rubbing his jaw.

"Really?" His eyes grew as he kept his distance. Was he putting up an invisible wall? Sophie sucked on her bottom lip, nodding.

"Yeah, let's try." She whispered, her eyes stinging as the emotions resurfaced. Adam sprang towards her cupping her face in his hands.

"Kid, I love you. It's going to be okay." His speech raced. Afraid to welcome his enthusiasm, she forced a weak smile. Adam held her face to his, intently locking his gaze with hers. “Thank you for trying, that's enough for me. It’s more than enough.” Adam paused. "I am here no matter what happens. I am not going anywhere. I got you.” Sophie caressed her nose against Adam's.

"We got each other."

- - - - - - -

Lovelies: @daydreamsofren @cornmousequeen @sacklerscumrag @caillea @direnightshade @finn-ray-nal-beads @mylifeisactuallyamess @leatherboundbirate @theoncrayjoy @maybe-your-left @hopeamarsu @zimmermansbrat @historyandfandoms50 @sister-winter73 @relationshipwithmybed @themuseic @starskylo @millenialcatlady @tashastrange89 @theodorealastair @insufferablelust @iamasithprincess @tashastrange89 @butyoudidthis4what @xxcatrenxx @jynzandtonic @blowthatpieceofjunk @paper-n-ashes @roanniom

Thank you for reading!

If you enjoy my stories, let me know! My Inbox is open, and I welcome comments! Please reblog if you fancy sharing this piece.

#Sophie and Sackler #Adam Sackler x OC #Adam Sackler #ADCU Fanfic #adcu #marie sackler #CW: Mental Health #CW Pregnancy #CW Medical Eval #CW Arguments #CW Medication #Angst #Fluff #CW Injury/Blood #CW Infertility #I love and miss these two

[supernaturallyobsessedchic]

He Obviously Cares

Pairing: Dean x Reader; OFC!Male!Character (James) x Reader (formally)

Warnings: Mild Angst, break ups, depression mentioned, Depressed vibes in the beginning, Team Free Will being sweet, Dean being sweet, Fluffy

Word Count: 2.4k

a/n: I did recently broke up with my boyfriend, and this is loosely what happened between us. And I do have these worries about him. But I hope you enjoy this; this is my first fic since being on hiatus.

Main Masterlist

Mobile Masterlist

~

She packed her bags; she was making her move.

She loaded up her car, now her boyfriends house is void of her items and belongings. She had thought moving in with him would help him with whatever he was going through but it did not. He was insecure, worried she was going to find another guy. Kept saying she didn’t like him, after every time she said she liked him. Saying he’s not sweet, when he was being sweet towards her. Kept referring himself as “The Bad Guy”. She could feel this was going to be hard to constantly reassure him that he’s wrong.

Until one night, where she stayed at one of the many hunter’s cabins, she wanted to alone time after a hard day. He respected her, understood her. Until she was getting ready for bed. A text came through as she was brushing her teeth.

“You don’t have Feelings for me.”

“Just tell me.”

Her heart pounded in her chest.

I constantly say I love you; I constantly reassure you, and reassure you and you still feel like this towards me. She thought.

Picking up her phone.

This is it. I’m ending this. I can’t do this anymore.

“Ugh, apparently I’m not good enough for you or your insecurities. Insecurities is a trust issue type of thing. And clearly you just don’t trust me.”

“OMG, No that’s not it.”

“It is it. I can’t do this anymore. It’s exhausting to constantly reassure you that you’re okay. That we’re okay. And clearly it’s not getting through to you.”

“Please stop.”

“No, it’s done. We’re done. Clearly “I don’t have feelings for you.” It’s what you told me!”

“It’s over. We’re done. Goodbye James.”

She could see him working to text her back. But stopped.

She was shaking, the nerves were running high. She took her anti-anxiety meds, some melatonin to help her relax enough to go to bed.

Now here she was, at his place while he was at work. To get her stuff and return her key to him.

She drove down the long highway, heading to the one place she knew she would be welcomed back. The one place she remained family.

She entered Lebanon Kansas around midnight. She entered the bunkers garage just shortly after one in the morning. She still remembered the key to get in, where Sam and Dean always stashed it. She parked her car next to Baby. Killing the engine she leaves her belongings in her car, very exhausted. Both emotionally, mentally, and physically.

She walks the halls slowly; nothing has changed much since she left.

She found her way to the library. Sam and Dean weren’t up, they were in bed. She sat at one of the tables. Making herself comfortable.

Her eyes began to feel warm; tears began to surface.

He had crippling depression; he will more likely kill himself over this.

Just you wait, you’ll see his obituary that he died by suicide and there will be a note blaming you.

If he dies, it will be your fault. Sure he hurt you, but you hurt him far worse.

Her hands came up to her ears, and she let the tears fall.

 Dean was one of the first to wake up. He walked up to the kitchen, doing his usual routine. Getting coffee brewed and ready for him and Sam.

Once done, he got himself a cup of coffee and walked down to the library to check if there were any new cases they could take.

Walking through the war room, he saw someone sitting in their chair, knees to her chest. Her head on her knees. He knew her from anywhere.

“Y/N?” He says, trying to wake her up.

She began to stir.

She looked up at Dean with a lifeless look in her eyes.

“I’m gonna kill him.” He says with a hard look on his face.

“No don’t, he’s not worth it.” she says, her voice void of life.

“Sweetheart, what happened, I thought you loved him.”

“Apparently “I don’t have feelings for him.’”

“He got insecure again, huh?”

She nodded.

“Why was I not good enough for him?”

“He was just insecure; it wasn’t you sweetheart. It was him, not you.”

“He has crippling depression; I just have a bad feeling I hurt him so much he’d kill himself.”

“He’s a dad, he’s not going to kill himself. He’s got a reason to live.”

True. She thought.

“When’d you get in?”

“I got here around one…maybe two in the morning.”

“Should have called or texted me before you left wherever it was you were leaving. I would have had a room ready for you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be, now let’s work on you. Come on sweetheart, you can sleep in my room.”

“I still have my stuff in my car.”

“We’ll worry about those later, now, you need proper sleep.”

She got up, her shoulders slumped, her expression even told him she was overly exhausted.

She, without thinking, walked right up to Dean. His arms wrapped around her, hugging her close and tight to him.

“It’s going to be okay sweetheart.” He says softly.

She took a deep breath, taking in his scent. His body wash, shampoo, his particular smell always calmed her down.

He could feel her relax in his hold; he even knew she had no intentions of moving anytime soon. And knowing how exhausted she was, he worked her into his arms to carry her to his room.

He laid her down on his bed. Covering her up under his covers, she snuggled more into his covers.

He walked back into the kitchen to make breakfast. Seeing Sam up.

“Morning.” Sam says.

“Hey.”

“Was that Y/N I saw you carrying?”

“Yep.”

“What’s she doing back?”

“She broke up with James. Apparently he got insecure again, saying she didn’t have feelings for him.”

“Sounds like he didn’t allow himself to trust her.”

“Sounds like that to  me too. But she’s exhausted, not herself either. She got worried about him and his depression getting bad.”

“Do you think, Cas could wipe his memory. Wipe her from his memory so he wouldn’t hurt as much?”

“Possibly, we could do that for her.”

“Already done.” Cas says walking into the kitchen. Making Dean and Sam jump.

“You need a damn bell or something on you Cas, quit sneaking up on us.”

“Apologies Dean.”

“I see that Y/N has returned to us, but I can sense she is drained.”

“She is. And we’re taking a break from hunting to take care of her.” Dean says.

“Where do we start?” Sam asks.

“Her stuff is in her car; I’m making her breakfast. Wash her clothes, get her old room set up. Cas, you are going to get her favorite foods, snacks, and movies. And get the Dean cave set up for a movie night tonight.”

“Alright Dean.” Cas says, turning to leave.

“I’ll get her stuff and start laundry.” Sam says, taking his mug of coffee with him.

Dean turned to the fridge, finding bacon, eggs, and milk. Making pancakes, bacon, and eggs. A hefty, hearty breakfast.

 She woke up to the smell of bacon. She stirred awake at the moment Dean walked in with a tray full of food. A mug of coffee. A glass of cold orange juice.

“What is this?”

“Just taking care of my girl is all.”

“You’re girl?”

“Yeah, you’re my girl. Remember?”

“Dean, I just broke up from an exhausting relationship.”

“Just as friends sweetheart, I’m not trying anything honest.”

“Thanks Dean, that’s really sweet of you.” She says with a soft smile.

He returned her a kind and soft smile. Walking in more and sat the tray on her lap.

“You cooked enough food, that’s for sure.”

“I only assume you didn’t eat anything yesterday or on your trip here.”

“You assumed right.” She says.

“We’re not hunting today, we told Garth to let some hunters in on some cases we find.”

She nodded, grabbing her fork, and digging in.

“Why don’t you eat something Dean?” she asks, mouth full of food. Making Dean chuckle.

“I ate already, I’m good. Besides, we’re getting your room set up, and among other things. So you just relax while we do that.”

“Thank you Dean, that’s sweet of you guys.”

“Anything to help you sweetheart. Eat up, relax and I’ll stop by again soon.” He says, turning to leave. Taking the keys to the Impala.

 She finished her plate, only being able to eat half of what he made her. She gets up to clean off her plate. Finding Sam in the kitchen.

“Hey Y/N, it’s good to see you.” He says, with a kind smile.

“It’s good to be back with you guys.” She says returning a sure and kind smile.

“Here, let me, I’ll wash those for you.” He says, holding out his hands.

She gives him her tray. “Thanks Sammy.”

“Anything to help you sweety, why don’t you go take a shower or something, relax, get cleaned up. I bet you feel gross.”

“I do. That sounds good right now.” She says turning to head to the shower room.

She heads to her old room, finding her bags on the bed, the room in the midst of a makeover. Clearly not done. She finds a note on her duffle bag.

Seeing it was written by Dean.

‘Hey sweetheart, I’m betting you are wanting a shower or something to get cleaned up and relax. Knowing you’re not a fan of baths, I bought you some shampoo and body wash that would help you relax. I’ve heard lavender scented anything helps relax you. Go check the shower room, I want you wearing my clothes, use the shampoo and body wash I got you. Take as long as you need to. Freshen up, and I’ll see you soon. ­– Dean’

She smiled at the note, turned out of her room and she made her way to the shower room finding Dean’s Henley, sweats, a pair of her clean underwear, and his flannel. She even seen the lavender scented body wash and shampoo.

She got the water set at the perfect temperature and stood under the steamy stream of water.

She took a deep breath, closing her eyes. Content to starting over. Pretending those few months didn’t exist. Sure she can’t get that time back. But at least she ended it before it got worse.

 The scent of lavender filled the shower room when she finished. She even felt even more relaxed as she wore Dean’s clothes, smelling his scent in his clothes.

She walked around the bunker in stockinged feet. She walked past the Dean cave seeing Cas in there, rearranging the room.

“Cas?”

“Y/N, Glad to see you’re doing well. How are you feeling?”

“Better, what’s this?”

“Dean, Sam and I think a movie night will help further. So I bought all of your favorites, your favorite movies and snacks.”

“That’s sweet of you guys.”

“Anything for a friend.”

She smiles at her angel friend.

They all said the same thing to me, anything for you, anything for a friend, anything for my girl. I like this. I feel valued. She thought.

“Of course we value you Y/N, you matter to us.” Cas says.

“I keep forgetting you can read my mind.”

Cas tilted his head, confused.

“Nothing, just…thanks Cas.” She says, smiling and continuing down the hall.

She got closer to her room. Seeing Sam walking out of her room.

“Hey, Y/N, come check this out. Tell me what you think.” He says.

She quickens her pace a tad, she peers into her room, seeing a string of star lights hanging on her ceiling. Her pictures on her new wall shelves. Pictures of her with Dean, Sam, and Cas.

Her bed, looking new with new covers that fit her personality with her favorite color. She had a smile plastered on her face.

She had a small bookshelf with all of her old books she had. Her desk with her laptop. Her TV in the corner of her room, perfect view from her bed. Her Xbox console, DVD player and Apple TV. She felt like she was at home.

“I love this, thank you guys so much.”

“I’m glad you like it. Dean’s getting pizza, and we’re close to watching a marathon of movies that Cas bought.”

“How many did he buy?”

“Just…a lot.”

Oh god. She thought while stifling a laugh with a snort.

The bunker doors opened and shut.

“Dinner’s on!” Dean shouted.

“Dean it’s almost 2 in the afternoon!” Y/N giggled.

She seen him walk around the corner of the hall seeing him walking with a tall stack of pizza.

“Holy shit, what!?”

“Okay, Dean, that’s too much food.” Sam says.

“Think about leftovers dude.”

They shrugged, eh, true.

“Alright, to the Dean cave, lets get this party started.”

Y/N giggled. She felt fuzzy inside, whatever they’re doing. It’s working.

Dean sat the pizzas along the bar. Y/N even noticed some added furniture. Some adult sized bean bag chairs.

Dean had paper plates ready, sodas, beer, and another table with snacks and more sodas ready for after their lunch slash supper.

She picked the adult sized bean bag chair, Sam and Cas had the two lazy boy recliners; Dean picked the other bean bag chair. The movie Cas popped in, one of her personal favorites. Thor Ragnarök.

But once she saw Loki, her chest felt heavy. He looked like her ex. Dean saw her face drop.

Getting up with his plate, he joined her. She snuggled against him.

“Sweetheart, what’s wrong? Wasn’t this your favorite movie?”

“It is, it’s just. Loki looks like him.”

“But is Loki him?”

“Well, no.”

“There you have it. Loki is not him. Loki is Loki. Not James.”

She nodded, continued to eat, and watch the movie.

“Anyone want seconds?” Sam asked.

Everyone practically held their plates up. Sam chuckling.

She felt tons better than she did when she first got here.

She doesn’t miss him. She only wishes him well. She does hope that one day she’ll be ready to try again but maybe hopefully she finds someone who is more willing to trust her.

She snuggles against Dean, his arm around her, holding her close. Making her feel safe. Making her feel okay.

She felt him kiss atop her head.

Maybe there is still hope. Maybe she should go for the obvious.

~

A/N: Kind of back, still on hiatus but how’d you like it? It is loosely based on my actual break up, the texts were the actual texts I received and sent to him. But please be patient with me, I’m still feeling a tad off. I’m sure I’ll post spastically when I’m okay again.

~

Dean Tags:

@pandazombie69, @akshi8278, @luci-in-trenchcoats, @supernatural-jackles, @becs-bunker, @mlovesstories, @jankles-blog, @flamencodiva, @anotherspnfanfic, @megzdoodle, @misfit0118, @shawnie74, @lyarr24, @missmemoire09, @racetrackheart, @spnbaby-67​

~

Copying and reposting someone else’s content is plagiarism and illegal. This work is property of supernaturallyobsessedchic. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. These works contain material protected under International and Federal Copyright Laws and Treaties. Any unauthorized reprint or use of this material is prohibited. No part of these works may be reproduced in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system without express written permission from the author / publisher. An electronic reference link to the original posted work may be provided for purposes of promotion or assistance of publication by the readers discretion, if proper credits are given to the author in the re-post. 5/31/2021

#spn #supernatural #spn fan fic #spn fanfic #spnfanfic #supernatural fan fic #supernatural fanfic #supernaturalfanfic #dean x reader #deanxreader #spn fan fiction #spn fanfiction #spnfanfiction #supernatural fan fiction #supernatural fanfiction #supernaturalfanfiction #dean winchester #dean winchester fan fic #dean winchester fan fiction #dean winchester x reader #dean x reader fic #deanxreader fic #dean winchester x reader fic #spn fluff #dean fluff #team free will fluff

[ahopelessromantic]

Love in the Time of Corona ➳ S. Reid

Pairing: Spencer x Reader

Warnings: Some mentions of anxiety, Spencer is in love and forgets how to act like a person

Word count: 2,5k 

Prompts: 23, ‘You love me?’

Getting locked in a hotel with your colleague hadn’t exactly been in your plans. But maybe spending quarantine with Spencer wasn’t even that bad of a thing.

“Are you sure?” Chewing on the insides of your cheeks, you watched Spencer talk to Hotch on the phone. “Alright, call us if anything changes.” With a sigh, he hung up and turned to look at you. “Hotch is trying to pull some strings to get us back home, but for now we’re stuck here.” You nodded, your gaze darting around the hotel lobby. “I need to call Garcia, she needs to know where my spare key is so she can get in and feed Goblin, and shit, I probably don’t have enough food for him for two weeks at home, someone needs to-“ Spencer calmed you down with a hand on your shoulder. “Hotch said Garcia already went to your apartment and fed him, she knew where the key was from when she watered your plants last time you visited your parents. Goblin is well taken care of.” You exhaled and looked into his eyes, scanning them for any form of anxiousness. But there was only kindness in them, and you relaxed. If Spencer wasn’t freaking out, then why should you?

“Come on.” He said, a light smile on his lips. “Let’s go check out how badly assorted the hotel library is.”

Goblin was your cat back home in Quantico, a spoiled diva you loved unconditionally and worried about endlessly. You hadn’t exactly expected the state you were in to go into corona lockdown so suddenly and the whole ordeal made your whole body buzz with anxiety. Of course you wanted to protect as many people as possible from getting sick, and under normal circumstances you would have gone into quarantine without a word of complaint, but you just really wanted to go home. You normally didn’t have a problem with the middle-class hotels your employer booked for you when you were away on cases, but then again you also normally didn’t have to spend long amounts of time in them. Spencer and you had been sent ahead to go check out a possible serial killer case, and the rest of the team would have followed once you had confirmed there were lives at stake. But now, instead of investigating, all you could do was aimlessly roam the hotel’s dull hallways, wishing for a change of scenery or at least, your own four walls. The only distraction and good thing in all of this was Spencer, who was doing an amazing job at keeping you sane. Being alone with your thoughts so much wasn’t exactly the best for your mental health, and if anyone in the world could understand that it was Spencer. He knew what it was like when your own thoughts became a weapon sharp enough to destroy you.

“Look at this idiot.” You chuckled and turned your phone so Spencer could see the picture Penelope had sent you. “He knows exactly that he’s not allowed on the kitchen counter.” Spencer smiled, zooming on the picture of your cat passed out in the sink. “Looks like you raised him well.” He teased, causing you to throw your napkin at him. “Hey! I’ll have you know that I am a very devoted cat mother.” You both laughed, only to be interrupted by the maid that was on breakfast duty. She sighed and sent you both a dreamy look before pulling out her notepad. “Such a sweet couple you two are, makes me miss my younger days. Can I bring you anything else?” Instead of telling her about the second tea you had been meaning to order you just blinked at her in shock. Spencer across from you seemed just as frozen, the two of you probably looking utterly stupid to the hotel’s staff member. She just rolled her eyes and started loading your plates onto her tray. “Not there yet? Okay, I’ll leave you to it.” Once she was gone you both erupted into baffled laughter. It had been eight days in the hotel already, and you were slowly starting to make friends with the staff, but so far you hadn’t really been that close with them. Each day was a mere repetition of the one before, and you were barely clinging to the last shreds of normalcy and sanity anymore. Spencer and you met up for breakfast in the mornings, tried to work on the case for a bit just for the sake of feeling like you still had something meaningful to do, went to lunch, sought shelter in the tiny library that was mostly there for show, had dinner and then, sometimes, you went for a drink in the hotel lobby bar. The two of you were growing closer by the day. It was slowly beginning to feel like Spencer was just an extension of your own limbs instead of a whole different person. You had learned long ago that once Spencer felt comfortable around someone he latched onto them, but now it felt like your souls were truly melting together.

“There you are.” He spoke softly, sitting down across from you. You just acknowledged him with a smile, playing with the coaster of your drink. “I went ahead and ordered your favourite.” You mumbled and watched him nod. Spencer could tell something was off, feeling slightly helpless over how to help you. “You look awfully lost in thought today.” Surprised at his words you looked him in the eyes, not yet used to him being so tuned into your emotions. “I just-“ You stopped yourself to sigh heavily. “I feel like I’m slowly losing my mind. I can’t sleep properly and when I do, I have these really vivid, weird dreams, I miss my apartment and my cat… this just isn’t exactly how I expected this case to go.” Spencer nodded in understanding. “According to a research centre in France, there has been a 35% increase in dream recall, and participants of the study are reporting 15% more negative dreams than usual. Dream experts believe that the withdrawal from our usual environments and daily stimuli forces our subconscious minds to transform the invisible virus into a lot of different things in our dreams. Actually, it’s perfectly normal to be having weird dreams right now. I have them too.” You felt a warm feeling bloom in your chest. Whenever your mind got the best of you these days Spencer was there to bring you back to reality again. He was the ratio to your emotio. “Thank you.”, you mumbled shyly. He smiled. “Come on, let’s get you to bed. You need to get your mind off things.” Conveniently, your hotel rooms were right next to each other, so even after you parted ways for the night you didn’t feel too far from him. For some reason though, that specific night was the worst one for you since being quarantined in the hotel. Even after two hours of shifting you couldn’t find into the realms of sleep, despite feeling exhausted and drained from doing nothing all day. You finally decided to get up and make yourself a cup of tea, loudly stumbling over one of your shoes on the way to the electric kettle. You groaned when your behind met with the floor, not even the carpet properly cushioning your fall. Great. You had quite literally arrived at the bottom of things. A knock at the door ripped you out of your thoughts and, limping slightly, you made your way to your room’s entrance. When you opened the door your face was met with none other’s than Spencer’s, a worried look on his face. “Are you okay? I’ve been hearing you shift around for ages and then I heard a loud thump.” You smiled sheepishly. “I’m good. I just couldn’t sleep again and tripped on my way to make myself some tea.” He looked at you, something like worry in his eyes. And then, suddenly, he hugged you tightly. “Spence, what are you doing?” You asked with wide eyes, face smushed against his chest. “Did you know that hugging releases oxytocin? It’s a powerful hormone that works as an antidote for depressive feelings and anxiety. It also underlies individual and social trust. Hugs even affect our physical well being, for example by lowering our blood pressure. Scientifically-“ “Spencer, I love you, but for the love of god please shut up now.” You murmured, long having closed your eyes and leaned into his warm embrace. It was only then you realised what exactly you had just said. You felt him tense up. “You…” His hand on your back suddenly felt like it was going to burn through your skin. “You love me?” You leaned slightly away from him to look him in the face, surprised about your own words. “I think I do.” You spoke in wonder. Apparently, your subconscious had already known about your feelings for Spencer for way longer than your conscious self. But instead of answering, Spencer stepped away from you, a frazzled look on his face. “I… excuse me.” Helplessly, you watched him disappear back into his room, fear speeding up your heartbeat. What had just happened? Had the lockdown madness finally gotten to you? With trembling fingers, you closed your door behind you. That night you didn’t catch a minute of sleep.

The whole next day you couldn’t find Spencer anywhere. It seemed like he was actively hiding from you, and it made your chest hurt from rejection. He was smart and most of all he was your friend, you had really expected him to at least talk it out with you. But no, rather than that it seemed like he had never stepped foot into that damned hotel. It wasn’t until the late evening hours, when you had already gotten ready for bed, that you saw him again. He had knocked on your door, standing in front of you with an apologetic look on his face and three flowers clutched in one hand. They seemed oddly familiar to you, and at second glance you realised that he had stolen them from the hotel lobby. Before you could even begin to ask, he sent you a pleading look “Please, please don’t say anything right now. I want you to know exactly how I feel, and I practised it in the mirror but quite frankly I have never been this nervous in my life and I might forget something if you start speaking.” His voice was shaky, he was stumbling over his words like you had never seen him do before. “I’m sorry. For running off yesterday. I’ve been trying to figure out a way to tell you this for the longest time and then you just said it so casually and for a moment all my fuses burnt through. I’m so in love with you and I am so terrified because I’ve never felt like this, and I know that once I tell you this it will be real, and my life will change forever. I didn’t think there was a person out there like you, a person for me. There is no scientific proof for soulmates but you just… fit with me. I love you too, (Y/N). I love you.” His words had rendered you speechless. You felt tears run down your cheeks, and it was only when you felt Spencer’s hand wipe them away that you returned to reality. You placed your hand on his, further leaning into his touch, and sobbed. “I didn’t mean to make you cry, I’m sorry. This isn’t really my strong suit.” You laughed and pressed a kiss to his hand. “It’s not mine either. And don’t worry Spence, you were perfect. Thank you for having the courage to tell me. Just please, never run off on me like that again.” He leaned his forehead against yours and closed his eyes, a serene smile on his lips. “I promise.”

From there on, the rest of quarantine passed by incredibly quick. Now, you were actually glad you were locked in with Spencer. It gave the two of you the perfect time and opportunity to explore the very nature of your relationship. You started sleeping over in each other’s rooms, wearing each other’s clothes, at night Spencer lulled you to sleep by reading to you. When Hotch called once the two weeks were over to tell you that you would be able to return home with the jet you were almost disappointed. But at least this you could board the jet holding each other’s hands without worrying about anyone seeing. And it wasn’t too bad either that you had had your first time with each other and joined the mile-high club at the same time. You were never going to be able to look at those leather couches the same way again. Touched down back home in Quantico you had the orders to return straight home and quarantine for another fourteen days. Stood in front of your car you could tell that the two of you were trying to prolong your time together, rambling on about the most random things just to avoid having to say goodbye for two weeks. But watching him walk away after one last, long kiss filled your heart with such aching that you called out for him to stop. “Wait, Spence!” He turned around, an almost relieved look on his face. “Yeah?” He walked back to you, gripping the strap of his bag. “I know this is crazy, and maybe it’s too much considering we haven’t even officially talked about whether or not we’re dating now but… I just… hate the thought of suddenly not seeing you for two weeks straight after seeing your cute face every day for what feels like so long. So… do you want to quarantine at my apartment? We can get some of your clothes on the way there, and I promise I’ll cook whatever you want. I just don’t want to miss your morning cuddles anymore.” A wide smile had spread across his features while you had talked, and before you had even fully finished he had already nodded enthusiastically. “Thank god you asked, I didn’t know how to.” Both laughing, you got into your car.

“Oh, you gotta be kidding me.” Morgan groaned when he saw you and Spencer enter the BAU together once quarantine was over. You didn’t even have to hold hands for everyone to see that you were a couple now. “When did they start dating??” Emily looked at you with a grin, crossing her arms. “Technically, it doesn’t look like they started dating. They were just locked in together for so long that they fell in love.” Hotch joined your little group, the usual frown on his face. “Enough about the lovebirds, we have a case to get to. But-“ He turned to look at you and suddenly there was a teasing grin on his face as well. “Looks like quarantine treated you well, right?” You just rolled your eyes, burying your face in your hands. “Not you too, Hotch, not you too!”

Spencer actually didn’t even end up leaving your apartment once quarantine was over. In fact, he had gotten so comfortable that after two months, he terminated the contract for his own flat. Now, every Sunday morning, it wasn’t just you spread out on your couch with your cat anymore. It was the two of you.

#requested #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #spencer x reader #mgg #Matthew gray gubler #Matthew gray gubler x reader #criminal minds #BAU #BAU Team #BAU x Reader #prompts

[justoneday-namjoonii]

Don’t Breathe 5.5 | sneak peek

»Genre: hitman!au || angst, fluff ||

»Warnings: kidnapping, stalking, obsession, themes of borderline Stockholm syndrome and Lima syndrome, brief mono-phobia, mature elements, manhandling, breakdowns, mental trauma mentioned, yandere (? i think ), he thinks it’s cute when she cries, eventually they fall in love, Disclaimer: I do not condone nor suggest stalking/kidnapping or anything of that nature, this is pure fiction ok, kidnappers and stalkers DO NOT love you.

»Summary: He doesn’t get shaky hands, he never forgets his gloves and he never leaves a trail. He was paid to get rid of everyone who witnessed the exchange between a gang lord and a politician, they were picked off, one by one. He found out a month later, he missed one. A young writer who attended the event where the exchange took place. He has to kill her. Can he do it? He couldn’t do it.

✤ pt.1 - pt.2 - pt.2.5 - pt.3 - pt. 3.5 - pt. 4.0 - pt. 4.5 - pt. 5.0 - pt.5.5 - pt.6.0

author’s note: if you’d like to be added to the taglist, please comment on this post or send an ask~💖 p.s prepare the tissues😭🤧

taglist: @tangledsparkles @just-another-fangurl21 @impartoftoomanyfandoms​ @komorebi-unnie​ @tangledsparkles​@yes-sol-not-soul (sorry :( tumblr won’t let me tag you) @sarzkh31​

Release Date: 09/06/20🌻 -

His hands naturally settle on your waist, as if you were greeting him after a long day from work. It feels as perfect as always, he wants to make it last. If this is the last five minute he gets to have with you, he wants to savor how you feel, how you make him feel. He’ll miss this, the touching, the chemistry that you put into words so perfectly. Your hands that grab at him when he’s in bed, the eyes that linger on him when he cooks, life won’t feel the same without that. The late nights of sweet breathless pants meeting his ears, the warm strain in his body that grants you both a fleeting moment of ecstasy. Gritted teeth, knitted brows, smiles, keening into your chest—intimacy. The frosting you put on his nose, the stumbling in the yard to run away from him, the joyous laughter over movies. He never had fun with anyone the way he did with you.

“Taehyung,” You break the kiss, getting off of your tippy-toes to rest your ankle,“I don’t know what’s going on...” You lean into him, breathing in his sweet scent and nuzzling your face into his chest.

“I’m so glad you’re okay, I saw you got hurt and I didn’t know how bad it was,” He smooths your hair down, “I couldn’t sleep last night, I didn’t think he’d let me see you again.”

“Let you see me?...

He loves you too much to make you run for the rest of your life, and you know it.

*

*

*

“I was in a room a the whole time. I was given food and water, I showered everyday, the conditions were sanitary...But I never saw anyone.”

That was your day in interrogation room 2. They apologized for having to bring you back but they needed to tape your testimony for Leu’s court case. The video will be shown in court to further prove the damage to the only surviving victim, you. The young lawyer on the case in your defense, Jeon Jungkook, wanted to question you with Yoongi by his side. It worked out, you had an appointment with your therapist that day so you figured you’d get it over with.

“So,” Jungkook continues to jot points down on the notepad, “the bruises that were fading on your wrists the day you were rescued, that was from being tied up at some point?”

You nod, hands finicky in your lap.

“Can you tell me about the day you were abducted?”

“I- Um...That day I got home kind of late, I was really tired so after I showered I drank something and went to bed.”

“The drink was confirmed to be drugged, so you know that’s why you were in such a deep sleep,” He affirms when you nod, “and you woke in strange place, right?”

“Yes,” You swallow, recalling the scene that you had tried all this time to block from your memory, “I was handcuffed and really scared, I didn’t understand what was happening...”

“And in the report it says you were told you why you were there, is that correct?”

You nod.

“You knew you were there because Mr. Leu wanted dead,” Again, you nod, “alright. Now, I know you’ve had a few appointments with psychologist Elaine Woods and she diagnosed you with some conditions as a result of this traumatic event, is that right?”

“Yes...”

Yoongi’s eyes narrows at you, hyper-aware of your reactions.

“So, you would say that what you went through has made an negative impact on your life,” You hesitate for a moment, but nod nonetheless, “would you tell me what those conditions are?”

“ASD, social anxiety disorder, and depression...”

“And how do those conditions affect your everyday life now? Is it hard sometimes to get out of bed in the morning?”

It is. Everyday you make a little bit of progress, every week your therapist says you’re doing great, just don’t push yourself too much. You sit there and tell him how you feel, you tell him that you’re struggling, that feel you lost and out of place in life. Last week, you spent an entire day trying to convince Suzy to put you back on the job. To avoid any bad press, you turned down interviews from papers everywhere. You just wanted to work, you were eager to jget back to your old job. She wasn’t convinced, she said that you needed time to heal before throwing yourself into work. Yet, somehow you convinced her to let you come to the office to and talk to her boss. That day you realized that things would never be the same there.

“We missed you!”

You walked into the office and your coworkers, some you never even talked to stood around a little cake in the break room. Putting on a happy face, you thanked everyone for their kindness, but you knew in your heart that it was partly out of pity. You were overthinking everything anyone said to you, it was exhausting how paranoid you were to be around people. So many times you wanted to run out and throw-up from how overwhelmed you were but you pushed it down. Eventually, as everyone started to trickle out, Suzy’s boss pulled you aside.

“Y/n, you are so strong,” She looked at you like you had really done something great, “I wanted to know if you’d be willing to write about what you went through? We already have a story on you, you could write the concluding piece.”

The life drained from your face, she just wanted to use you. You told her you would have to think about it before promptly leaving without a proper goodbye. Suzy was right, you weren’t ready. You were far from that point in this process. After fleeing the party, you threw up in the lobby bathroom. You cried for a little bit in the empty stall, trying to pull yourself together before leaving. After cleaning yourself up, you drove to your new apartment, where you called Jin and cried again. You were in such bad shape that he drove all the way to check on you in the middle of the night. It didn’t help that you drank a half a bottle of wine but you were out of options, nothing felt right so you decided not to feel at all.

“Kev, cut the cameras,” You’re shaken from your daze when Jungkook stands up suddenly, exchanging a look with the man behind the camera, “we need to take a 5-minute break. Y/n, let me get you something to drink.”

Yoongi watches as Jungkook and the camera man leave the room. On the little couch, you sit, eyes void of all emotion.

“Are you alright?” Yoongi gets up to kneel in front of you. “Is this too much for you? Just say the word and we can finish later-...”

*

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#taehyung #taehyung smut #taehyung angst #taehyung assassin #taehyung stalker au #taehyung scenarios #taehyung fluff #taehyung fanfic #yoongi angst #yoongi fanfic #yoongi fluff #jungkook angst #bts smut #bts scenarios #bts imagines #taehyung imagine #bts angst #bts fluff #bts fanfic #bts au #bts assassin au #bts stalker au #don't breathe