#fick different bad thoughts dont like these

[skiasurveys]

i did this survey 5 years ago and thought i would retake but keep my old answers so i can see if i even changed lmfao

1: - Who was the last person you texted? 

2017: Jennifer

2022: Krystal

2 - When is your birthday? -

2017: dec 5 1996

3 - Who do you want to be with right now? 

2017:Connor but he’s at my house and I’m at “work” haha

2022- any of my friends honestly

4 - What sports do you play? -

2017:I used to be in volleyball

2022: none

5 - Who is the first person in your contacts? -

2017: Adina 

2022: addy

6 - What is your favorite song as of the moment? -

2017: idk

2022: Little dark ages 

7 - If you were stranded on an island, who do you wish to be with? -

2017: Connor

2022: someone who can survive well

8 - What do you feel right now? -

2017: bored

2022: kinda sleepy

9 - What chocolate is your favorite? -

2017: milk

2022: milk or semi sweet or even dark

10 - How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have? 

2017: 4 including the one I am in

2022:  5 

11 - Why did you create a Tumblr account? -

2017- I created this account like 6 years ago .. omg Tumblr was new at the time and it was cool but there was no real reason

2022: i made this blog specific for surveys but my orignal one was cus i thought tumblr was cool and it was newer 

12 - Who is your favorite blogger?

2017: Baseddrphil

2022 i dont have any

13 - Where do you want to be right now? 

2017: Anywhere

2022: new york

14 - What do you want to be in the future? 

2017: Artist

2022: happy

15 - When was the last time you cried? Why? 

2017: Yesterday cus I’m stupid

2022: the other day bc of trauma

16 - Are you happy? 

2017: Meh

2022: no

17 - Who do you miss? 

2017: Connor lol

2022: me

18 - If you were given a chance, would you like to have a different life? -

2017:yeah

2022: yes 100% 

19 - What was the best thing you were given? 

2017:-Connor even tho he wasn’t given to me LOL

2022: ^ screaming he abused me. i think the best thing i was given was free tickets to disneyland!!

20 - Who was the last person who called you?

-2017: think mom

2022: mom. lol nothings changed for that

21 - What is your favorite dish? -

2017: roast beef

2022: wingsss

22 - Who is your bestfriend? -

2017: Jennifer and Kyra and Connor too

2022: kyra 

23 - What is your biggest regret? -

2017: meeting Alan and quitting my last job

2022: dating my ex

24 - Have you ever cheated on your partner? -

2017: no

2022: nope

25 - Who do you spend crazy moments with? 

2017: kyra

2022: still kyra tbh

26 - Name someone pretty. -

2017: Olena

2022: me

27 - Who was the last person you hugged? -

2017: Connor

2022: i dont remember 

28 - What kind of music do you listen to? -

2017: all types

2022: still same but i would say alternative 

29 - Are you over your past? -

2017: no

2022: nope

30 - Who is the last person in your contacts? 

2017: yana

2022: zach

31 - What kind of person do you want to date? -

2017: the one I am dating ;)

2022: someone who can make me laugh, and is kind and gente with me.

32 - Do you have troubles sleeping at night? -

2017: if I’m distracted heavily or Connor talks to ficking loud

2022: yep. trauma sucks.

33 - From whom was the last text message you received? 

2017: Kaylie

2022: Krystal

34 - What do you prefer, jeans or skirt? -

2017: jeans

2022: jeans still haha

35 - How’s your heart? -

2017: it’s chill

2022: lonely

36 - Did you ever have a girlfriend/boyfriend whose name starts with a “J”?2017 & 2022 : no

37 - Do you like someone as of the moment? 

2017:-my boyfriend

2022: nah

38 - What would you want to say to your latest ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend? - 2017: I have nothing to say honestly

2022: i hope you rot

39 - Do you have any phobias? 

2017: -rape , suffocation

2022: being stuck or being crazy and not knowing lol

40 - Did you try to change for a person? -

2017: yes

2022: yes, never again. 

41 - What’s the nicest thing have you given to someone? 

2017-idk

2022: my heart

42 - Would you go back to your previous relationship? 

2017: no

2022: fuuuuuUUUckkkkk noooOOO000

43 - Are you in a good or bad mood?

2017-good

2022: kinda nothing mood

44 - Name someone you can’t live without. -

2017: my bf

2022: my friends

45 - Describe your dream date. 

2017: were both happy , the food is good, doesn’t have to be expensive , we connect well

2022: something fun and chill

46 - Describe your dream wedding. -

2017: I haven’t really ever thought about that

2022: i dont worry abt that stuff anymore

47 - How many roses did you receive last Valentine’s?  

2017: I don’t do valentines

2022: none 

48 - Have you ever been kissed? -

2017:yeah

2022: ^

49 - How long is your longest relationship? -

2017: the one I am currently in

2022: 5 years

50 - Do you regret your past?  

2017-some of it

2022: yeah but whats the point ..? it happened.

51 - Can you do something stupid for someone else? 

2017-yeah

2022: if they ask and need me too...sure

52 - Have you ever cried over someone? 

2017-yep

2022: oh of course

53 - Do you have a grudge against anyone? 

2017-yes

2022: yea my ex

54 - Are you a crybaby? -

2017 I can be

2022: oh 100%

55 - Do people praise you for your looks? 

2017 - sometimes

2022: sometimes ig? but not like randomly

56 - Did you fall for someone you shouldn’t? -

2017 no

2022: LMAOOO YEAH

57 - Have you ever done something bad but you don’t regret? 

2017 -yes

2022: yepppp

58 - Do you like getting hurt? -

2017 no

2022: no lol

59 - Does anyone hate you? 

2017 Maybe

2022: probably hahah ive made a few enemies 

60 - Did you slap anyone whose name starts with an “R”? -

2017 never slapped anyone before

2022: no

61 - What hair color do you prefer? -

2017 : on me blonde on a man brown

2022: dark brown

62 - If you can change anything about yourself, what is it? -

2017: my clingyness I hate it

2022: how i perceive myself 

63 - Do you love someone as of the moment? -

2017:Connor

2022: Not romantically 

64 - Have you ever thought of killing yourself? -2017: every night

2022: yep

65 - Do you have issues with somebody in your school? 

2017: Not in school

2022: nah

66 - Can you live without internet? -

2017: I could… but. Do I want to …

2022: nah,. i used it too much. also i need it for school lol

67 - What’s the song that remind you of your special someone? - 

2017: I can’t help falling in love

2022: i dont have anyone so no songs i guess

68 - Are you good at holding back your tears?-

2017: to a point

2022: yes

69 - Are you a crybaby? 

2017: You just asked this

2022: ^ lol

70 - Have you ever experienced being hysterical? 

2017-yep

2022: yea

71 - Are you a KPOP fan? 

2017-no

2022: not really but i like some songs 

72 - Do you study hard? -

2017: I can

2022: i try my best 

73 - Have you ever sacrificed something important to you for someone you love?  

2017-not rly

2022: yes.

74 - Did you ever had a kiss under the moonlight? -

2017: no

2022: no :(

75 - Have you ever ridden a boat?  

2017-yes

2022: yea

76 - Did you have an accident last year? 

2017-yeah

2022: nope

77 - What kind of person are you? -

2017 dumbbitch

2022: traumatized

78 - Have you ever thought of killing someone? -

2017: yes but not literally

2022: yes

79 - Have you ever been jealous?-

2017 yes

2022: yeah but i wish I wasnt a jealous person, but i am

80 - How can you prove your love to someone? 

2017 By showing them or words

2022: actions 

81 - What are you thinking right now? 

2017: About how much longer I have to do this job

2022: how tired i am

82 - Who is the 6th person in your contacts? 

2017: Colin

2022: ayana 

83 - Do you have any memories you want to erase? 

2017: Yes

2022: always 

84 - Have you been hurt so bad that you can’t find words to explain how you feel?

2017: Yeah

2022: always, man

85 - Did you ever badmouth someone? 

2017 Probs

2022: who hasnt

86 - Have you ever had an argument with someone? 

2017: yes

2022: ^

87 - Do you have trust issues? 

2017: Yeah

2022: very badly 

88 - Are you broken-hearted? 

2017: No

2022: yeah

89 - Who’s the person who first comes to your mind when someone mentions “love”? 

2017: Connor

2022: no one

90 - Do you think all the pain is worth it? 

2017 : Some of it

2022: not really, you can make it worth it i think 

91 - Do you believe in the phrase “If it’s meant to be, it will be”? 

2017 Yeah but I also believe if you want it you have to chase it

2022: yes

92 - Who do you want to marry? 

2017 Connor

2022: no one hahahah

93 - Do you believe in destiny?

2017 Ehhh

2022: i think so 

94 - Have you ever thought “I already found my soulmate”?

2017: Yes

2022: no

95 - How do you look right now? 

2017: Shitty

2022: bed head 

96 - Do you believe that first true love never dies? 

2017 Yeah but who knows Connor is really my first true love

2022: no

97 - Have you found your true love? 

2017 Yes

2022: no

98 - What should you be doing right now? 

2017 Nothing rly

2022: sleepingnow hahah

99 - Name one of your ex-boyfriends/ex-girlfriends. 

2017: Jack

2022: connor

100 - Did you ever feel like you’re not good enough? 

2017: Yes

2022: all the time 

#surveys #survey

[supervillanelle]

I WANT U TO ANSWER QUESTIONS 14 THROUGH 50 FOR THAT ASK THING, OR IF THATS TOO INSANE A NUMBER JUST PICK SOME RANDOM ONES, IDK BUT I LIKE READING YOUR ANSWERS SO IF U DID ALL OF THEM I'D THINK THAT WAS GREAT anyway idk why im yelling now get 2 work

ALLISON WTF?????????????????? THATS 37 QUESTIONS IM LAUGHING SO FICKING HARD FGKSHSDUDUFUDUFIFKGIGIFIFUCUAGSGDHFJFIFJDJSJSUSJIVJCIHXHOXHCHXIGXYSYYDJFLKFDKFAKFAKGZZG IM GONNA DO IT HANG ON

(It was supposed to be 37 questions but i skipped the ones i had already answered, okay?)

16. Do you do art? Using what (pencil, watercolor, etc)?

Not at all 😩 i have no talents, babe

18. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in astrology?

im a leo, and i dont believe in astrology, but sometimes i can relate to my sign

19. Favorite old film?

Old films are really not my thing BUT i really like scary movie 1 and 2, and the exorcist (those were the only old movies i could think of im sorry shakshskshsj)

20. What’s your hairstyle?

ugh okay its curly and brown and very short and it needs to be stopped

21. What weather is the most beautiful, in your opinion?

I really like when its sunny with clear skies but like, its not awfully hot, its just, nice

22. What upsets you most about the world?

Lots of things upset me, but two things upset me the most: how much prejudice there is, and how unfair the world is!!!

Like, sexism, homophobia, racism, thats so fucked up and some people actually agree with it??? lik what the fuck? how can you hate someone just for being different than you? and sexism is just so bad bc we’re so used to it that we accept all kinds of stuff bc its just normalized to us, you know? We accept men acting like shit and we agree with them and support their behaviour bc we learn that way, that men can be shitty and they dont have to try to be better people, but we’re so quick to judge women for literally anything they do, and it just keeps being normal to us!! we need to fucking change the way we act!!!

And with how unfair the world is, like, some people have so much while some have so little! its so fucked up!!!! and believe me, i know its not my place to say this bc im fucking privileged but its just so fucked up!!!!!! people like me who were born in a family with money just go through life so easily, we dont know shit anything and we still have the nerve to think we’re bettee than others, its so fucked up!!! And there are people who were born with no money, with no decent family, and just bc of that its allowed for them to live like shit? to not have any kind of support in life? if they need food, housing, medical care, they just have to deal with it and be strong and get through it, or start working as a fucking child?????? its just so fucked up but its never gonna change bc the people who really have money just dont wanna give up a tiny bit of their huge privilege to make it fair for everyone else, and everyone just have to be ok with all that???

23. Are you in love right now?

God no

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them!

I have a lot of crushes GSKSBSKSBSKSBSK i have online crushes, i have real life crushes, i have crushes that mean nothing to me and i just like them so im not bored shakshjs BUT theres this girl, shes kinda bi? (that what she says), shes my friends sister and fuck i just wanna make out with her for 3 days nonstop, shes just so fucking pretty, and funny and hot and nice and smart and fuckkkkkkk im lonely

26. Do you have a lucky number?

Not lucky numbers but like, just numbers that i like, 5, 7, 12 and 15

27. Have you ever wished on a star? What about on a fallen eyelash?

On a fallen eyelash yes but its not something i do all the time lol

28. Do you believe emoji spells to work?

What the fuck are emoji spells?

29. Do you believe in magic in general?

Dude shakshskssh no!!!!!

30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, In your opinion?

I dont know dude, i think freedom is pretty beautiful to me, having the freedom to do what you want, loving who you want, being loved, being happy with yourself without any pressure idk if that makes sense

31. Opinion on the color pink? What about baby blue?

I love both!!!!!!! Literally my thing

32. What instrumental sound is your favorite?

I love saxophone and violin!!

33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain?

Wind not so much, its kinda scary tbh, but the sound of rain is just great!!!

36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will that look like?

Ok so i have like, two different thoughts, i either live in a small apartment, in a big city, im not good with living with other people but i hope this changes, so eithwr alone or with a roomate is fine by me, with a cat and/or a dog, and im happy with my life! Or, if i end up being super rich, i live in a big house, again by muself ot with roomates is fine, and i have way more than just a dog and/or a cat, and a big pool, and im happy with my life (tbh just picture jenna marbles’ life and its that!!

37. Do you wear makeup? If so what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup?

only when i go to some party or bar and i wanna make out with someone, otherwise i never use it, and i dont even have make up, i use my sister’s or my mom’s

38. Do you wear dresses? If so what’s your favorite dress you own?

I do!!! I cant really explain but like, its above the knee, no sleeves but like a thin strap? and its dark blue with little green zebras all over it

39. Ever been heartbroken? How do you deal with it?

Romantically or in a friendship? Yes for both. I just stay sad forever, but it just gets less shitty with time

40. Who’s your closest friend? What do you love about them?

In real life its this girl from college but rn shes actually mad at me so idk if shes still close to me lol but shes so nice and funny

41. Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert that becomes too much and bery annoying after you get to know

42. Do you like MBTI? What’s your MBTI?

I have NO IDEA what mbti is

43. Would you be a fairy, a mermaid, a vampire, a siren, a or an angel?

I think id be a vampire

44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you?

ive been thinking about this for a while now and i cant remember the last time someone showed me a song

45. Parlez-vous français?

No (thats no in french btw)

46. Most beautiful place you’ve been to?

London and nyc are fucking amazing

47. Where/when do you truly feel at home?

When im home alone in silence ugh amazing

48. Does smiling put you in a better mood? Try it right now, you’re smile is goreous!

Not really? Im good but thanks?

49. Favorite shoe you own?

All my flipflops, my converse and thats it

50. Can you walk in stilettos? Do you like them?

I can and i actually love wearing heels i think my legs look great on them

[lydias--stiles]

Thoughts on 6x15 Pressure Test

- More... hunters. Great.  - THEO - He wants nothing, Theo, just seeing you dead is enough. You know what? I like Theo! Not because he’s a ood characeters, but because he’s fucked up and that’s cool to see. It’s a nice perspective to follow. He’s also a leader, but in a different way.  - Theo is smart, damn - I wonder why Liam and Malia don’t have the two circles tattood somewhere. If Satomi’s pack does it, and the Hale pack, than why isn’t the McCall pack doing it?  - “You know Scott McCall?”, I suppose he’s very famous in the supernatural world? The one and only True Alpha from this century? - Well... he’s still a psychopath.  - ah, the sheriff - Okay, yes, Theo did murder the Hunter, but how do they know so fast? And the Hunter tried to kill them so... I don’t know.  - DEATON WHAT - Oh great, visitors commit suicide. Wonderful.  - First of all, where is Deaton going? We’ve never seen this kind fo energy happening to humans. Is it the flesh, body, thingy again? Secondly, what the fuck is he wearing?  - What the fuck is happening?  - I swear to God if Teen Wolf lets Deaton die... - So, Scott probably dialed Deaton for help and Deaton probably proposed he would go as he is more experienced and... yes. Okay. A face. It’s not faceless, but perhaps it was the face of the faceless creature. And why has there been many more before Deaton that killed themselves? - lol Theo is back in jail - not smart Jiang. I love the girl her boots though.  - “Would Stiles think that?” LYDIA MARTIN THINKING OF HER MAN - Nonono the flesh faceless thing is there right? Theo heard it.  - Poor girl.  - lol Malia I’d laugh too. I don’t think though I’ve ever heard Malia actually laugh uncontrolably. It’s nice. - No one asked you to be there, Tamara.  - What in the world. A sheriff raising his hands to vigilantes.  - It’s quite interesting, this season. The Hunters think they’re not doing anything wrong, and the supernatural don’t think they’re not doing anything wrong. But at the end of the day, they both made mistakes. Supernaturals killing people for the sake of their secret, and Hunters killing supernaturals even if they didn’t do anything to them. Really, they’re just humans with an extension, and Hunters don’t seem to grasp that. No one seems to, which is odd. But, peer pressure is a thing and can make people do weird things, so I understand why everyone is opposite of them.  - If you hurt. one. single. hair. on. the. sheriff’s. head. i. will. castrate. all. of. you. and. sterelise. you. Tamara. - “DeWitte” lol is he of Dutch descent? - Why is Malia the only one feeling it? Whatever “it” is. - The pack is not even surprised to see Theo? Oh, well. - I love Malia this season. She has a wider arrange of emotions, if that makes sense. It’s her most “human” season, regarding her feelings, actions and reactions. - The girl is very logical - “There’s only a dozen of them out there, we can take them” YES LYDIA - The last of Satomi... must feel awful. Losing your family members so quickly. So, Lori did die with Brett, she just dragged herself to his body so she could die alongside him. - “I need a thing too” Teen Wolf realising Corey has no value.  - huh, Corey realising he has no value. Great.  - oh okay this is cool. It’s the last season, so go back to basics, back to where it all started, before they were mutations. Wolves.  - Why are Nolan and that guy here? Don’t they have homework to do? Or a life to live? - So small quakes is the supernatural and one devestating quake is killing everyone that comes in your path? How is that... she’s crazy. Absolutely crazy. Kate would be proud of her.  - Theo’s like “ugh FINE” - wait this is like the fist battle. It’s been a while since they actually... you know, fought. Scott hardly ever uses force because he’s against it, so it’s been a while (I think 5B) where we saw some actual action. I’m excited. And nervous.  - COME ON PARRISH - scolia look™ - Please, if Stiles could contact you through dimensions by radio you can fix that radio as well - Don’t look so surprised, Nolan. You stabbed Corey with a pen.  - aww no I liked Liam x Theo friendship in 6A. Well, Stiles hurt Scott in 5B and they’re still besties so I suppose this is just a bump in the road. - “I’m still working on my anger.” But... shouldn’t that be solved by being a werewolf? Scott lost his astma because of it. - “I’m still human” what i’ve been screaming at my screen since this season came out. They’re STILL HUMAN. They have legs and arms and eyes and a face and a brain and a consious. They learn and mke mistakes and fall in love and get their hearts broken. They’re human, just... with an extra. - A pack is a family, Nolan. Before you start going on a killing spree, do your research. - The actor of Jiang is good. Like, they have Lori who was terrible and then him who’s pretty great. He’d be a great addition to the pack tbh, I like him already. The girl hasn’t said too much.  - What is that? And how did Nolan get loose? - Oh, wolfsbane. In liquid form. - fuck okay Scott. It’s been a while since he lashed out with his eyes.     - Okay so they’re blue. They’ve killed people.  - oh I missed Deaton, always with his “We’re closed” thing - other half? and I thought the drawing was a face? Guess not.  - Who is innocent and who is not? What is good and what is bad. Scott’s moral compass is shifting and shifting and shifting... - Wait.  - Nolan is the creature? - But if Scott kills people, will he lose his red eyes or not? and will he still be a True Alpha? - wHAT THE FICK THAT FACELESS THING MAKES PEOPLE KILL THEMSELVES WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE  - nONONONONONON WOMAN DONT KILL YOURSELF - PUTAIN. Merde. Le situation est très grave.  - ooooooh so the wolves and the rats - it’s all because of that thing. I get it now. (damn, it only took like five episodes for me to figure that out) - THATS IT! Throw the bodies outside and let them think it’s the two of Satomi’s pack. It’s one girl and one boy, it would work. - Scott and I think the same *feels the bromance* - oh, the other half of the drawing is in the Wild Hunt Universe. COREY IS USEFUL HALLELUJAH - Corey can draw.  - ancient shape shifter that feeds of fear so it gets more powerful. So, Nogitsune 2.0 but now without a host. They killed a Nogitsune, but that was a fox. This is just... nothing. It’s ancient, nothing they know.  - Oh, Anuk-ite. Great. My actual name resembles that quite a lot. (You heard it here first, folks, Ophelia is a pseudonym woop woop)  - “Two faces may mean two creatures” One beautiful, one ugly. I swear, if Lydia gets involved...  - But this is really interesting. It’s been a while (since 3B) since I was actually afraid and intrigued by the villain. - This is like Aiden and Ethan, morphing together. Only more violent I suppose. - OH SHIT PAPA MCCALL ENTERED THE BUILDING - Did Melissa call him?  - “We’ll go” ???? - NO SCOTT WHY DID YOU GAVE THEM AWAY FUCK FUCK FUCK - Oh... with McCall. Okay. That’s for the best I suppose - scolia and thiam are rising tonight - Wait but when did McCall find out Scott was a werewolf? Did I just forget about that or??? - cute scott smile ™ - oh my god they’re holding hands oh my god - SCOTT IS SO CUTE WHEN HE HAS A CRUSH OH MY GOD HE IS LIKE THE ADORABLE PUPPY IN THE RELATIONSHIP AND MALIA IS LIKE THE ONE WHO DOESNT LIKE PDA AND LIKE PRETENDS SHE DOESNT LIKE HIM AS MUCH AS HE DOES IM SO - - - (sorry anti’s I like them) - ah, all the supernatural are gonna leave town - oh, Mason... I’m sorry. (but tbh you’re better of without Corey but you’re in love so) - NO TIERNEY JIANG - poor Mason - ooh Corey is still here alright - Corey, realy? A smiley?  - cocky!Scott is my kink - I’m so glad Stiles isn’t here though. Mentally, it wouldn’t be good for him. 

#teen wolf #tw #tw spoilers #mccall pack #thoughts

[noskyatall]

ohhhh my god sarah i fucking need you come back it's been 8 months youre still my fp youre still my everything i cant fucking do this i am so alone right now but i also just dont want anyone or anything at all i spoke to you in mid may it's the beginning of august now it's probably been enough time and i can probably email you again but i'm not allowed to say anything negative and nothing is even vaguely okay right now so i have nothing i can say and you don't want to hear from me anyway i have one appointment that i can make with you because i was an idiot and used one up a month after i was discharged and we stopped seeing each other i can say whatever i want in that appointment one hour to see you again to sit with you and talk to you the last one was magical we talked like friends and you asked me at one point if i was comfortable with how we were using the hour and i said it was exactly what i'd always wanted i could do that again but it'll be the last time i can ever see your face and i'm not ready to see you for the last time i can call or email i could do that now but i have nothing positive to say i just need to speak to you again you were always there you always went above and beyond i'm reading over all our emails again and again and i can't believe how lucky i was to know you i wonder if you still think of me i wonder if you're forgetting me i'd forget me in seconds you sounded so happy to hear my voice when we last spoke on the phone you said you believe in me when we last emailed i screenshotted your reply and it was my home screen until a few weeks ago when my cousin told me it was unhealthy and forced me to change it i don't care if it's unhealthy you saved my life but you saved it just to leave it you know i didn't want it i still have the email i wrote and didn't send on christmas eve four days after our last session it's mean, it's cruel, it's selfish and the stuff about being "different" i know that was stupid i know you broke the rules for me a lot but no way could you break the biggest you had to stop being my therapist and you didn't have control over that but i will never forget asking you in that last session, as we were both crying, after two hugs and before a third, if it's always like this when you lose a client if it always hurts like this and if so, how do you do it and you looked at me and shook your head and said it's never like this it's never like this was i different i was different did you actually care about me was it not just your job (No subject) [Draft] This message hasn't been sent. Saved on: Sat 2016-12-24 10:26 PM i knew it i knew that one day of tears wouldnt be it i knew youd be my first thought the second alcohol hit my tongue i fucking knew it i knew my brain wouldnt let you go i knew from the second my heart jumped when i looked at you you fucking took over my heart you took over everytbing youre eveything sarah i need you back i need you nezt to me where the fuck did you go why did yougo why would you leave me why epuld you go i need you sarah never again am i going to see you through that window see your fce light up you said it wasnt like this every time im different you said im different you said im not like any client youve had ou told me im different you told me you care about me that youre never going to forget me that youre always going to think of me are you lying are you lying will you think of me will you remember me you said i cant tell you anything bad that i cant ask for help or support but when i die im going to email you im goinv to trll you and im goinv to askyou to come to my funeral i hope you come ineed you there thats the only way i can die in peace i fucking need you beaide me right now im alone i forced myself to be alone im glad i did i dony want anyone i dont een want you i dont want anything but i need you god fucking dammit i need you i hate you for leaving me when you said you wouldnt "i didnt leave for eight months" yeah BUT THEN YOU DID THEN YOU LEFT YOU WALKED AWAY YOU CRIED WITH ME AND YOU STILL LEFT YOU HUGGED ME A REAL ONE A REAL HUG NOT THE ONE YOU HAD TO GIVE YOU SQUEEZED ME TIGHT AND YOU LISTENED TOVME AND YOU FELT HOW MUCH I FUCKING CARED AND YOU LEFT DONT LEAVE DONT LEAVE I BEGGED YOU I KEPT SAYING IT OVER AND OVER AND I KNOE YOU HEARD ME NONONONONONNO NO NO NO DONT LEAVE PLEASE PLEASE OH MYGOD OH MY HOD OH MY GOD YOU HEARD ME FUCK YOU YOU FICKING HEARD ME YOU DONT CARE YOU LEFT FUCK YOU IF IM DIFFERENT WHY ARE YOU TREATING ME THE SAME I DONT FUCKING CARE IF THATS FUCKED UP I DONT CARE IF IM NOT SUPPOSED TO SAY THAT FUCK UOU FUCK OFF YOU SAID I WAS DIFFERENY TREAT ME DIFFERENT TREAT ME DIFFETENT FUCKING BE HERE FOR ME FUCKIG KEEP YOUR PROMISE I HATE YOU HOW DARE YOU HOW DARE YOU OH YMG OD YOU FUCKING LEFT THIS IS NOT HAPPRNING THIS IS HAPPENING YOURE THE REASON THIS IS HAPPENING IF YOU HAD JUST NEVER EXISTED MAYBE ID BE DEAD BY NOW MAYB YOU WOULD HAVE LET ME DIE YOU EOLDNT LRT ME YOU KEPT ME HERE YOU KEPT ME HERE YOUKEPT ME HERE AND THEN YOU LEFT YOU PUSHED ME OFF ONTO EVERYONE ELSE YOU DID YOUR JOB AND NOW YOURE DONE YOU WASHED YOUR HANDS OF ME AND YOUVE BLOCKED ME OFF I BET THAT WAS A RELIEF YOU NEVER HAVE TO WORRY AGAIN ITS NOT THAT FUCKING EASY FOR ME IM STUCK HERE YOU MADE ME STAY AND I STAYED YOU STOOD THRTE AND YOLD ME TO STAY ALIVE YOU BEGGED ME TO KEEP GOING AND I DID I DID FUCK YOU I DID IT I DID IT I DID WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO I REMEMBER IT LIKE IT WAS YESTERDAY I MISS YOU I MISS UOU i miss you sarah i miss you so much i need you i cant do this anymore i typed that email in december it's august i lived until august just found two emails i sent to you on december 16th at 7:39am four days before our last session i hadn't slept at all, i was panicking and crying all night sarah its too much. its all too much. im drowning in this its too much for me i cant handle anything its too strong im losing im fucking scared sarah im scared dont leave i cant fucking do this without you i cant do this no matter what but it hurts less when youre near it hurts less with you please you mean so much please get me out please i cant take this i dont know whats going t ohappen i dont know what to do sarah i dont know what to do im hurting it hurts and it never stops i dont get a moment away from the thoughts or the feelings or the anger or the fear its all too much i cant dothis anymore i cant do this anymore i need out i need to leave this is endless this is endless im going t die theresno point an hour later - 8:36am im so sorry dont call im sorry i cantmake it through a call and if you call my parents will know theydont even know that im awake or that i haven't slept i mso sorry for my words you must have called me, because in your next email you send me a cope ahead plan outline and you tell me that i did really well on the phone and tell me to take good care of myself and that you'll see me on tuesday tuesday 20th our last session i fucking need you i want to be gone

#personal #this is so long im sorry #sarah #i fucking need you #im falling apart im breaking down and i miss you #i cant do this anymore