Thoughts on Ralph Breaks the Internet
Back in 2012, I really adored Wreck-It Ralph, I thought it was a super fun movie, I enjoyed the characters, and the idea of these arcade characters mingling together via the power strip was an interesting concept.
My idea for a Wreck-It Ralph sequel included interacting with video games in home and portable consoles (ie Wii, PlayStation, DS, etc). But Disney decided to aim bigger and went for the Internet...
I’m pretty sure after the dumpster fire that was the Emoji Movie everyone was worried about another movie centered around this type of technology. But, I figured, “this is Disney, if anyone could pull it off, it’s them”
And...I was right. The way they handled the world wide web was way better than that-other-movie-who’s-name-I-will-not-repeat. Yes, you still see websites like Google, Pinterest, Twitter, etc. but you know what they did differently? Most of those websites were not important to the plot.
The only one that’s important is eBay, because the characters need to get a part in order to save a game from being permanently unplugged. That’s the reason they venture into the Internet. Any other site the characters needed to use were original (KnowsMore, BuzzzTube, Slaughter Race, etc)
But the rest of those real sites were just there to be there, or there for a quick gag (like Twitter).
SPOILERS AHEAD!
In the climax where Ralph and Vanellope are fighting off the Virus, Pinterest and Google are just there. You could switch those buildings to anything else and the plot would not be affected.
Whereas in that-other-movie-who’s-name-I-will-not-repeat, you can’t switch out Just Dance or Candy Crush without rewriting the script first.
I never felt like the movie was trying to get me to buy something or to use a certain website. So, on that front, Disney did a great job at making this Internet feel real without shoving product placements down our throats.
Another issue I’ve seen is that there are too many self referential jokes by Disney. Such as the Princesses and everything to do with Oh My Disney. And yea, I can see why people take issue with that, but as someone who loves Disney and lived a stone’s throw away from Disneyland...I didn’t have a problem with them. I thought the Princesses were funny, Vanellope’s “I Want” song was so ridiculous I couldn’t help but laugh and it was neat to see Disney characters walking around for a brief moment. I didn’t feel like they overstayed their welcome.
Could I have done with less of those types of gags? Yea, probably. If Disney wanted these types of gags and crossovers, they’d be better suited in a movie like Who Framed Roger Rabbit.
Disney movies have been getting heavier on the self-mocking humor recently...
But, after being around for close to 100 years (oh GOD!!) you’ve earn the right to mock yourself.
Alright, enough with me defending this film, I’m a Disney apologist, whaddya want from me?
Outside of what I’ve already said, what did I like, what didn’t I like, so on so forth?
I liked the message. And I liked that Vanellope chose not to go back to Sugar Rush, but still keeps in contact with Ralph.
Despite how little they were in the movie, Calhoun and Felix were hilarious. Do I wish we got more from them? Yea, but they stole every moment they did get onscreen.
They didn’t use all the gags from the trailers. Some of those gags never show up. Vicious Meeko? Not there. Merida’s dialog about her movie? It’s changed to something else. Pancake Milkshake? Well...
The mid and end credits scenes. Stay for them.
I did wish we could’ve seen what was going on back at the arcade during Ralph and Vanellope’s excursion. (I’m not gonna complain about the lack of video game references in this movie because I’m pretty sure the first one had more references and gags centered around candies than anything else).
Sooo, are the citizens of Sugar Rush just totally cool with the fact that their leader is now gone? Is the new leader Sour Bill?
Was it a slow day for Fix-it Felix Jr? Cause Ralph was game jumping while the arcade was open.
I liked that, really, there was no twist villain in this one. The thing Ralph needs to overcome isn’t some evil video game character, it’s his own insecurities about loosing Vanellope personified.
King Candy was both right and wrong. Vanellope was loved by the players, but because of her, Sugar Rush got unplugged.
Where’d the second player chair go? There were two chairs for Sugar Rush.
Vanellope’s “I Want” song, oh my god. It’s hilarious that she got one, but the fact that ALAN FREAKIN’ MENKEN wrote it (he wrote several Princess “I Want” Songs such as “Part of That World”, “Just Around the Riverbend”, “When Will My Life Begin”, and “Belle (Reprise)”) AND it got a pop cover at the end was great (I’ve noticed Princess “I Want” Songs get Pop covers in the credits).
The animation on the Slaughter Race characters and avatars. The player avatars are stiff in their movements and the characters walk a few inches off the ground and have a little slide in their steps and I love that attention to detail.
The instant Ralph walked into the comments section, I was like “Oh no...nonononononono!!” And I like that they showed that the Internet is both a positive and negative place, even if they showed the negative side for a brief minute.
Say what you will about the scene where Ralph is riding on recent trends to raise money, him pretending to be Bob Ross was great!
KnowsMore was cute. I loved that his eyes felt 2D animated . And all he wanted was a “ please” and “thank you”.
Ok, that’s all I got. I did enjoy this movie, and it was great to see these characters again. If you’re looking for a fun movie that also panders to your Disney side a bit, give this movie a watch. If you’re looking for video game references, wait for it to come out on digital or Blu-Ray.
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“The Halloween 1-2-Switch”
(( This started off as a request from my good friend, @coneygoil! She asked me to write a fic where “Felix and Cal wear a couples halloween costumes to the Nicelanders party and Cal is not happy about it.” I really ran away with this idea and it turned out to be just a little bit more than that, haha! Enjoy! ))
As the elevator doors slid open, Fix-It Felix adjusted the bright red cap on his head and thumbed the straps of his overalls before exiting. Briskly making his way down the hall, he spotted Nicelander Mary nervously pacing just outside her apartment door.
“Hey Mary,” Felix smiled as he placed a white-gloved hand on her shoulder to gain her attention. The woman had to do a double take, given what he was wearing.
“Oh my goodness, Felix!” Mary tittered, placing a hand on her chest. “I almost didn’t recognize you!”
“I know right? And I haven’t even put the mustache on yet,” the handyman excitedly reached into his pocket and brought a fake, brown mustache up to his face with a smile.
“You are the spitting image of Mario,” the Nicelander giggled. “Oh uh…but there might be a slight problem about your couples costumes…”
“Oh? What’s that?” Felix inquired.
“It seems your sweetheart is having some second thoughts,” Mary said, dejected.
“Mary, please know that this is no slight on you and your hard work. Tamora…well—she’s probably just a bit bashful. I’m sure the dress you made for her looks wonderful.”
The woman nodded with a smile. “Thank you, Felix.”
The handyman turned and knocked on the door in front of him.
“Tamora, honey?” Felix paused as an impish smile played across his features. “It’s-a me, Mario~!”
The two Nicelanders in the hallway heard a groan from beyond the door.
“Thank you, Fix-It, for solidifying that the decision to go along this couples costume thing was a poor one.”
“Oh Tammy, don’t be like that!” the handyman pouted. “I was just having a little fun. Why don’t you come out?”
“I look ridiculous,” came the Sergeants curt reply.
Felix heard a small whimper come from Mary behind him.
“Tammy Jean, I’m sure you look lovely in the costume Mary worked very hard on to make for you.” The handyman made it clear by his tone that he didn’t approve of how rude Tamora was being towards one of his tenants. “Please come out.”
There was a long, defeated sigh followed by the clicking of heels on the wooden floor. The door opened, and the statuesque form of Sergeant Calhoun bent downwards to step out in the hallway where she could stand upright.
As soon as he saw her in full, Felix gasped, stars in his eyes. From the cute little crown on the top of her head, to the magenta heels that just barely peeked out from under the pink, A-line dress, she looked stunning.
“I know what you’re going to do Fix-It, and I really need you to not do it,” Tamora deadpanned.
But the handyman simply couldn’t help himself. A gleeful squeal erupted from his small form as he grinned.
Tamora clicked her tongue. “Okay…” she muttered, turning to go crawl back in her hole.
“Tammy, wait, wait! I’m sorry,” Felix held her hand. “Your costume just looks so amazing! Pink really suits you.”
“Oh joy,” Tamora rolled her eyes. Looking down, she studied the outfit her beau was wearing. “Well, at least you look just about as ridiculous as I feel.”
The handyman chuckled, “Then we’re even. The party is about to start, shall we make our way down?”
“I guess it won’t kill me to humor you for an evening,” Tamora gave him a wry smile, and then turned to the Nicelander woman beside her. “Mary, I appreciate the work you put into this outfit, and I’m sorry if I made you feel otherwise. It’s just not what I’m used to.”
“Oh, I understand, dear. Thank you.” Mary smiled sweetly. “I’ll see you two downstairs as soon as I change!”
Hand in hand, Felix and Tamora made their way downstairs and outside the back side of the apartment building, where various characters from all corners of the arcade were gathered for the grand Halloween party ‘Fix-It Felix Jr.’ held each year.
Along the back patio were strings of orange and purple lights, with faux cobwebs on the surrounding hedges, and there were pumpkins practically everywhere.
Felix gravitated towards one of the many tables, which had a large spread of various types of themed snacks and, of course, slices of pumpkin pie.
“There will be plenty of time to scarf down later, lets see if our “special guests” are here yet,” Tamora steered him away.
“See! You’re enjoying this,” the handyman beamed, quickly grabbing a pumpkin cider to indulge in. “Admit it, you just can’t wait to see what they look like!”
“Sure, Fix-It,” the Sergeant shook her head, amused. She quickly scanned the crowd. “Doesn’t look like they’re here yet.”
“Mario is always fashionably late. Let’s go drop in on Ralph and Vanellope!”
The couple made their way over to the Pumpkin Toss by the river, stopping to chat with various folks along the way, many of whom praised their costumes. As they approached Ralph and Vanellope, the wrecker hoisted a large pumpkin in his hands, having no use for the catapult beside him.
“Hey kid, watch this!” Ralph reeled back and chucked the gourd as hard as he could. It flew hundreds of feet before it landed with an abrupt ‘SPLAT’, much to his companion’s delight.
“Sweet mother of monkey milk, that was AWESOME!” the racer exclaimed.
“That was a pretty good throw, brother!” Felix added.
Ralph and Vanellope turned, and the girl began to howl with laughter.
“You guys look so funny!” she said. “Sarge, I’ve never seen you wear so much pink!”
“Don’t remind me,” Tamora folded her arms. “So what are you two supposed to be?”
Vanellope moved the goggles resting on the top of her head over her eyes and twirled around to show off her lab coat stained with food coloring.
“I am the mad Doctor von Schweetz, and this big lug is my creation: Stink Brain!” the girl patted the wrecker’s arm, who looked like candy-made version of Frankenstein’s Monster. “Ralph, do the thing!”
Ralph rolled his eyes, raised his arms in front of him in a zombie-like fashion and gave a low growl.
“Very nice!” Felix chuckled. “Well, we’ll leave you two to finish setting up, Mario and Peach should be here any minute!”
As if on queue, the distinguishable sound of an oncoming tram rang out.
“That might be them now, come on Tammy!” Unable to contain his excitement, Felix bounced in the direction of the tram.
“I can’t run in this dress, Fix-It,” Tamora called out.
“Just hoist up your skirt, honey badger!” the handyman pantomimed the action.
“Correction, I won’t run in this dress.”
Felix had already hopped onto the platform by the time Tamora made it to the stairs.
The tram appeared from the shadow of the plug’s tunnel, along with its two passengers.
“Ah! There they are!” Felix cheered, holding Tamora’s hand as she stepped beside him.
Mario turned in his car’s seat and pointed at Felix, and the handyman mirrored the gesture as they both practically doubled over with laughter. The tram rolled to a stop at the platform and Mario hopped out to hug his look-alike.
“Oh my land, I can’t believe you shaved!” Felix gestured towards the plumber’s bare face.
“Eh, it’ll be back before the quarters drop tomorrow,” Mario waved it off and poked Fix-It’s belly. “What’s-a this?”
“Just a little throw pillow. I figured it’d be a bit more accurate, seeing that you’re stretching out my shirt.”
“Mamma mia, this guy. Taking shots at me when he can’t even grow his own mustache!”
“Little help here, boys?” a high-pitched voice interrupted their playful jabs.
“Sorry Princess! Allow me,” Felix lent a hand to a struggling Peach as she maneuvered herself up onto the platform in her homemade ‘Hero’s Duty’ armor.
“That’s alright, it’s just a bit tough to move in all of this. How do you do it, Miss Calhoun?”
“Funny, I was about to ask you how you manage in these heels all day,” Tamora replied.
The princess giggled. “Oh, barely!”
“Wow Peach, you look amazing!” Felix looked the Princess up and down. “Tammy, are you seeing this?”
“Last I checked I still have both eyes, Fix-It,” the Sergeant had to admit, she did approve of the sheer amount of craftsmanship. “Nicely done, Pink.”
“Come on, ladies!” Mario left the platform, pulling from his tool belt a hammer he spray-painted gold. “Let’s-a go!”
“Hey, that’s not my line!” Felix bounded after him.
“They certainly seem happy,” the Princess giggled.
“Yup,” Tamora sighed. “I think I’m going to tuck into a few ciders while they get up whatever mischief they have planned. Care to join?”
“I’d love to.”
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We Can Make It
A Wreck It Ralph Fanfiction from five years ago
Chapter Ten
The next few days following her little talk with her cousin were emotionally trying and exhausting, but not entirely unpleasant. It took them all of three days to make it through the photo album, with how often they would stop at one particular memory and flesh it out together, laughing, sighing, just embracing their backstories.
Remembering when she decided to leave her town was something that stuck out to her in particular. Her parents had been so angry and out of ideas on how to get her to behave that they managed to wrench the brush and bucket out of her hands. They might as well have torn off one of her limbs, she had thought, recalling just how naked and grounded she felt without it. Locked up in her room, curled up under her bed, she had waited feverishly for her mother and father to return home from “getting rid of” her most prized possession. It was for her own good, they had told her. That it was keeping her from focusing on important things, whatever those were, and that without it, she would be able to really find success in her life.
She had always thought that lesson was particularly harsh for a seven-year-old.
When her parents came home, it was quite obvious that they were not going to let her out for the rest of the night. They must have known that the second she smelled freedom, she would be out searching each and every corner of the town, leaping through the woods, turning everything upside-down, looking for her precious brush. She found it cute how they thought sending her to bed without dinner would keep her from going on said search.
Maybe they had forgotten about the window next to her bed. Or, perhaps they did not think that she would risk jumping out of it without her metaphorical safety blanket. That particular night was remembered fondly as when she decided that windows were far better than doors.
Her brush and bucket had been dumped clumsily out in the middle of the tight, thick forest. Finding it was worlds easier than she had anticipated. It was practically one of her limbs, after all, and how hard could it be to find something that was a part of her?
The sun was barely beginning to wake as she stood atop a hill overlooking her town, making a decision that she was far too young to face. She had to leave, and she was not going to be coming back. She cut and colored her hair, made new clothes, even changed the color of her eyes. And as she gripped her brush, her classic winged shoes on her little feet, she came to another decision. She rather liked the name “Mavis”.
And before she could force herself to leave, she orchestrated a literal storm of color over the cold, stone walls of her hometown. Though she never did return to the lands drenched in a spectrum, she did find herself with the knowledge that she was henceforth referred to there as merely “the Rainbow Girl.”
After lapping up that memory with the occasional gag and cough, Make-It promised herself that she would not let her existence end before seeing another storm like that one.
Spending time with Felix, unfortunately, meant spending time with several of the residents of Niceland, and she ended up becoming more familiar with them than she would have liked. They were small, twitchy, curious and strange people. So very simple in their everyday lives, so one-dimensional. Conversing with them felt very similar to talking with particularly boring chunks of drywall.
It greatly unsettled her, the way they worshipped her cousin. Turbo’s fans were horrendous, sure, but completely mindless. These people could clearly think (to some extent), but all their thoughts seemed centered around Felix. It seemed as if Fix-It-Felixism was their religion, and anything remotely suggesting that he was not the savior of Nicelanderkind offended each of them on a personal level. It was just all kinds of disturbing and creepy.
On the upside, though, they made some pretty great pie, and sometimes Felix shared a piece or two with her.
On the third night, a few of the residents were seated with her and Felix, and each of them had their own slice of steaming, moist apple pie. Eating it in a dignified fashion felt like stretching a muscle she did not know she had, and still, every movement she made earned her a perplexed and slightly shocked look from the portly little people. With a sigh, she gave up attempting to appear as a good-mannered guest and scooped up the oozing treat into her mouth mercilessly.
It took all of her effort not to scream in protest when Felix said that he would be right back. Please, she wanted to beg, please, do not leave me alone with them.
Once he did, the most awkward silence that she had ever experienced settled over the room. One of the little women, however, grinned a tiny, sneaky grin and leaned towards Make-It slightly.
“So,” she cooed, “have you and Felix been together since you were just little tykes?”
Make-It pressed her lips together, contemplating if she should speak through a mouthful of pie. She decided that, yes, this was most definitely acceptable. “Kind of,” she grunted, muffled. “I sorta started living with—well, not with, but, uh, near him when I was pretty little. Littler, anyway.”
The woman laughed cheerily, but Make-It could tell how forced it was. “Oh, go on, tell us what he was like! Was he just as heroic as he is now? Did he treat you like a little sister? Did he fix up your knees when you skinned them? Oh, I bet he got you out of all sorts of trouble!”
Make-It took a long while to just stare at this riddle of a woman, her brows knit together, her cheeks still stuffed with dessert. After several slow blinks, she forced out, “Who are you?”
The lady twitched back a bit, offended, but still smiling in a sickly permanent way. “Diana.”
“Okay,” she finally swallowed. “Diana, are you into my cousin?”
“What?”
“Felix. Are you romantically inclined towards him. Wanna go out with him. Dance, drink, wake up lost and naked. That sort of thing?”
“Oh,” her eyes widened, and she looked around at the others robotically, and they all sported the same horrified, flushed look on their faces. “Oh! Oh, goodness! Wow, I! Uh, no!”
“No?”
She swallowed, her head vibrating in an unnatural shake. “No, of course not!”
“Then why,” she put her hands up slightly, as if presenting the idea to her on a platter, “oh, why, do you even need to know any of this?”
Diana’s brows lowered. “Well, I never--! I was just trying to make conversation!”
“Make it with something else.”
“Fine. Let’s talk about you, then,” she folded her arms. “Are you really related to Felix?”
“You’re still talking about my cousin,” she pointed out, setting her plate on the seat next to her and crossing her legs.
“Ohhh!” The little nugget of a woman shook with frustration. “Are you always this impossible?”
“Yes,” she nodded briefly.
“Alright, then, tell me this. What do you do all cooped up in the basement, day and night?” Her eyes narrowed suspiciously.
“Make things. That’s pretty much it, actually. I don’t spend as much time down there as you would think.”
Diana lifted her head, peering down her tiny stub of a nose at her. “Really? Where do you go?”
Make-It felt her impish grin slowly crawl over her face. Glancing around at each disapproving face, she knew she could play these people like fat little fiddles. “Usually Tapper’s.”
“Tapper’s?”
“It’s a bar.” As she expected, they looked between each other, clicking their tongues and shaking their heads. “Only the best bar in existence. Just a few gulps and I don’t know what’s up or down.”
“So you get drunk.” Diana deadpanned.
“Wasted, is more like it. Dance and sing on the tables, get the place in an uproar. And I do that until I’m thrown out or taken home by whoever will have me. And when I wake up, I figure out which game I’m in, usually whose bed I’m in, and come home when the arcade opens.”
It took all of her effort not to laugh outright at their little gasps of horror. Diana practically bounced in her seat indignantly. “And you thought I wanted to do that with your cousin?!”
“Heck, I’D do that with my cousin.” She winked, and immediately regretted making that joke. Her stomach did not find it funny at all. The way the Nicelanders shrieked, though, made it worth it. “No, no I wouldn’t. That’s disgusting. Besides, he’s not my type.”
“I should hope that I never encounter one of your type,” one of the others remarked coldly, setting his pie aside as if it were dirty.
“What makes you so sure YOU’RE not my type, hmm?”
“I couldn’t be further from your type,” he spat, folding his arms.
Running through possible retorts, she suddenly remembered Turbo, and how it had been a few days since she had seen him. The way he kept reaffirming the fact that she was coming back struck a guilty note in her heart. A few days is a long time to go without seeing your only friend, she thought with a bit of a frown.
“Sorry to disappoint you,” the little man continued, seeing her mouth pull down.
“What?” She tilted her head. “Oh. Yeah, right, that’s too bad, you seem like a ladykiller. Or something. Hmm.”
“What is it now?”
“Hmm, sorry, just thinking about someone.”
“One of your ‘type’?”
“Uh,” her face tingled with uncomfortable heat. “No, I don’t know, just, this, uh, you don’t know him. Turbo-Time. Racer. Real cuss, almost as much as I am.”
“Hmph,” Diana huffed slightly, looking at her plate scathingly. “He sounds perfect for you. I’m so happy.”
She squeaked in her throat, suddenly finding herself standing, words falling out of her mouth. “I don’t know if I like what you’re implying and I don’t want to figure it out if I do while you’re watching. No more implying and watching. Leaving. Bye.” She strode over to the window, pushing it open and sitting on the sill just in time for Felix to round the corner and enter the room. He paused, taking in everyone’s positions and expressions, and sighed.
Make-It smirked a little at how he did not even have to ask what happened.
“Alright,” he breathed, waving at her. “Seeya, Mavy.”
“Uh,” she lifted a hand out to him, prompting him to curiously come over and let her squeeze his fingers. “Sorry about the mess.”
“What mess?”
“You’ll find out,” her eyes shifted. “I told them some things.”
“Oh, dear,” he sighed again, his shoulders slumping.
“Yeah,” she squeaked, “Sorry, cuz. And, uh, thanks for the pie.” Her eyes drifted to the stout figures seated not too far away, all watching and attempting to hear her. A tricky impulse whipped at her back, and she could not miss another chance to mess with them. She yanked her cousin closer, pressing her thumbs over his mouth and swiftly kissing them. Thankfully, she managed to not actually make any contact with his lips.
The Nicelanders squealed out high gasps and Felix squirmed out of her grip, spluttering and gently whacking her hands away. “Blech, Mavy! What was that?”
Her maniacal laughter made an apology almost impossible, but, still, she had to attempt it as she leaned out of the window. “Sorry, cuz, I just had to freak them out! They deserve it!”
As she fell from the sill, painting rockets onto her feet, Felix leaned out of the window. “Are you going to Turbo’s?”
“Yeah,” she called back, swirling through the air to hover about ten feet away from him. “I figure I should pay him a visit, ‘cause… I don’t know, I just feel like I should.”
“Alright,” Felix nodded. “Go ahead. I’ll fix, uh, this.” He glanced back at the twittering, gossiping people.
“I’m sorry,” she giggled. “Really.” She pulled off one of her gloves and wiped her tongue with her fingers, spitting a bit. It was a stage kiss, of course, but she had still practically kissed her cousin. Her stomach could not be less amused, and it did not miss a second to let her know. She could picture herself lying awake and regretting that moment for the next few weeks. She would just have to try to focus more on how priceless the Nicelanders’ expressions were. Even Felix’s reaction was a riot. “That was actually pretty dumb. I just had the uncontrollable urge to be a cuss.”
Felix shook his head, exasperated. It really was difficult to not feel bad for leaving him with such a mess to clean up. “Go on, Mavy,” he waved her off slightly, nearly hitting his head on the window as he leaned back inside, “don’t worry about it.”
“Well, alright. Toodles,” she saluted as she turned away, spiralling down to the subway port to fly on through to Game Central Station.
Not before getting stopped by the Surge Protector, of course.
“Name,” he began as usual, the little light fixture above his head buzzing a low and bored note.
Landing with a sigh, Make-It flapped her arms against her sides and rocked on her heels. “Make-It Mavis. Fix-It Felix Jr. Turbo-Time. No. And…” she glanced around as she pre-emptively answered his questions, watching her various neighbors stroll by in the fluorescent light, and her gaze fell on something she had not noticed before. On the far end of the station, opposite the massive, glowing, makeshift windows, was a port. It did not have the golden walls of a plug, but it looked much more like a circular subway port to a game itself. It was shadowed and desolate; none of the characters strayed anywhere near it.
She looked to the Surge Protector, who looked thoroughly unimpressed with the way she answered before he could ask. With a slow, tired blink, he managed to get in the last question, “Anything to declare..?”
“What’s that port, over there?” She jerked her head in the direction of the dark tunnel.
His translucent eyes fell to his clipboard. “That’s the wall port. It leads to the wall socket that powers the whole station. Don’t go through it.”
“Why not?”
“For your own safety.”
“What’s in the wall socket?”
He glanced up at her from beneath his furrowed brow. “It’s not safe for game characters.”
“Will I die if I go through there?”
“I strongly advise against it.”
“I see…” She pressed her lips together. As irritating as the see-through little man was, he knew a whole lot more about electrical safety than she did. Shoving her curiosity into the back of her mind, she nodded briefly. “Alright, agreed, it’s off limits.”
“Very good,” he deadpanned, looking back down at his clipboard. “Carry on.”
Not a second after he fizzled out of sight, she was back in the air, shooting down the Turbo-Time port and spinning cheerily. The wind whistled in her ears down the dimly-lit tunnel, and the bright light of the console stung her eyes as she twirled in, a curious sound prompting her to stop just above the tram station.
Even from the farthest corner of the console, she could hear the pulse of music echoing from Turbo’s mansion. It was a wonder that the entire building was not literally jumping, though she did know first-hand how the entire structure rattled with the bass.
No wonder the NPCs had trouble sleeping. She snorted a bit, smirking and shaking her head.
Her heart nearly burst when she felt a tight, bony grip clamp down on her ankles, and before she could register what happened, she was trying desperately to rocket away. A completely murderous-looking blue racer hung beneath her as she swayed dangerously in the air, his sharp fingers clawing up her leg and dragging her down. There was one on the ground, leaping up to grab his partner’s feet and aid in the effort of grounding her.
“HOLY CUSS, LET GO!” She writhed in the air, her balance being thrown in all directions.
“C’MERE FOR A SEC, ‘TOOTS’,” the first one snarled, his fingers only digging deeper into her. “WE JUST WANT TO SORT SOME THINGS OUT.”
She was not buying it at all, considering she had seen friendlier faces on hungry wolves. “Somehow, I don’t think that means you want to talk!”
“OH, WE DO! THAT’S ALL WE WANT, AND THEN YOU’RE FREE TO GO!”
She bucked and tugged and rolled in every way she could, dragging both men against the ground, aiming her jets at his face any chance she had. Before she could land a hit, one of his rough talon-fingers tore her right shoe clear off. It shot away into the air like a bottle rocket, its screech fading out, leaving her with the horrible swoop of gravity as she was yanked towards the ground.
The moment she was at ground-level, everything became a blur of grappling and shoving, pushing, pulling, snarling, yelling, swearing, until she was pinned against the ground by her wrists. The first racer pushed her down without a thought of being gentle, and he threw a command to the other to pry off the other shoe.
Her leg fell numbly to the ground as the jet footwear disappeared into oblivion, leaving only a crackling, untidy stream of smoke in its wake. Staring up at the predatory eyes of the racer, it finally registered in her head how odd this particular man looked without a bloody nose.
“Hi Nose,” she heaved, squirming backwards, only to be pulled back by her feet, a very distinctive grip holding her legs down. Flinching, she whined, “—and Grabby.”
Nose’s face trembled with rage, his mouth twitching and pulling back over his yellow teeth in a terrifying sneer of a smile. His brows raised slightly in greeting and words seemed to be wanting to slip out with his growling breaths, but he seemed just on the brink of losing composure.
Her mouth twisted into a nervous smile, her heart absolutely pounding. Her brush sat just inches from her hands, but she could not move her arms against the force holding them down. The fingers around her wrists tightened like a vice, and she winced against the growing pain. “Uh,” she forced out, “Need something?”
Nose’s breaths seemed to rev, his canine teeth catching his lip, his tongue darting out against his mouth. Before he could completely lose it on her, however, the lower, more collected, yet just as menacing voice of Grabby interrupted him.
“He hasn’t forgiven you for breaking his nose,” he told her calmly, digging his fingertips into her calves, prompting her breath to catch and let out a strangled yelp. Anger began to bubble into his tone as he continued, “And I still haven’t forgiven you for humiliating us. Twice.”
“Hmm,” she hummed, trying very hard to not let her pain show, “twice?”
“You know exactly what I mean,” he barked, shoving down against her. “You wussed out of our deal, then had the nerve to strike one with Turbo.”
“I didn’t make a deal with Turbo,” she hissed. “He didn’t make me do that—ngh – I wasn’t doing that for money or anything—GOD, STOP IT!”
“Stop what?” He leaned harder against her leg, making her bones creak. The pain seemed to tighten her throat and make just speaking excruciating.
“THAT—” she cried out, squirming and wrenching herself in any direction she could manage. Her head swam dreadfully, and she only then realized that her eyes had been squeezed shut. Cracking one open, staring down at the man threatening to break her legs, she saw his completely indifferent expression.
“Why? Why not just break your legs and be done with it, huh?” As he spoke, Nose shook with agreement.
“Better go with her arms,” Nose finally managed to snarl out, his voice dry and ripping. “Then she can’t paint her way out of this. She’ll never paint her way out again. Curtains for little MAKE-IT!” He twisted her wrists slightly, and blazing hot pain rattled her entire code as she shrieked.
“HOLD ON—WAIT, JUST WAIT A SECOND—”
“Think you’re going to talk us out of it, ‘toots’?” Grabby hissed scathingly, the last word dripping like acid from his tongue.
“DON’T—DON’T—JUST—”
A high, airy laugh seethed out of Nose’s mouth. “Look at that, she’s gonna start begging.”
“PIECE OF—” she writhed, hearing her brush clank against the rim of the bucket. If she could just shake it out enough to grab it…
“Her arms,” Nose growled hungrily, “then her legs. Then that GOD-DAMNED BRUSH!”
“Or,” Grabby paused, lifting up his pressure slightly, tilting his head, “we might not. Not yet.”
Nose was not surprised by this notion, but it was obvious he did not like it as he huffed, his gaze burning. His partner continued, “Poor, poor little Mavy,” he cooed sarcastically, and she flinched at the name, feeling righteous fury at this vile man using a name reserved strictly for her cousin. “Lost and scared, over her head in her mistakes. You really dug your grave, didn’t you, sweetheart? I think I might pity you just enough to let you go, whole, unscathed, and alive. If we can strike a deal…”
She swallowed, sweat from the pain beading on her brow. “I don’t like making deals with you,” she whined, barely audible.
“Be that as it may,” Grabby continued, “you don’t have a whole lot of options. It’s the deal or your limbs, babe. Take your pick.”
“Let me hear it,” she squirmed harder, the handle of her brush hopping closer and closer to her nearly numb fingers. Fear burned horribly in her chest, and she tried desperately to push it down, to stay calm, but the looming threat of a permanent death was making her head spin with dreadful vertigo.
“Alright,” he growled, the start of a smirk pulling at his mouth, “we let you go, and you don’t set one pixel in this console again. If you do come back, we’ll delete you out of existence. In other words, we’ll kill you. All you need to do is leave and never come back. Easy, right?”
Her mind immediately said no, but she knew that if she refused immediately, she would lose her limbs and her life. Just a moment more, and she could get away. She just needed them to keep talking.
“What would that get you?” She hissed back.
“Nothing,” he grinned. “Absolutely nothing. Other than, of course, never having to deal with you, or the way Turbo instantly becomes gigabytes more obnoxious when you do show up. And, you know, the satisfaction of him never seeing his little… whatever you are, again. His… ‘toots’.”
“You’re sweet,” she growled, “you know that? God, why do you hate him so much?”
“Why do YOU—” he shoved down on her legs, pushing out a squeal, “—like him so much?! There are no redeemable qualities in that lowlife cuss!”
Panting, nearly letting loose a scream against the pain, she grabbed at whatever words came into her head. “There is one thing, at least—he most definitely – wouldn’t be slowly killing me—against the ground—like this…”
Both of the racers laughed, perfectly in synchronization. “That’s cute. You actually think he’s a good guy, huh? ‘Good guy’ is just a title, sweetheart. If you were helping us, he’d be doing worse things to you. We’re being downright polite compared to what he would do. Little Turbo’s never been afraid of cutting a few throats to get ahead.”
“I think you’re bluffing,” she spat. She remembered Turbo’s rage in the utility closet, and his tantrum in his room over his facial decorations, and the way he pinned her down and tickled her. The memory contrasted horribly with the crushing pain in her bones. “I won’t believe that. He’s not like you.”
Nose spoke up, much to Grabby’s dismay and scowling. “He’s NOTHING like us. He’s weak. Gets everything for nothing. Doesn’t deserve a thing!”
“So,” she breathed, “you WERE bluffing.”
Grabby’s arms twitched against her legs, hungering to punch Nose in the face, who was staring blankly down at her.
“Look,” Grabby growled, collecting himself, settling the quakes of rage through his shoulders, “just leave. That’s all we want. Don’t come back.”
The handle of her brush fell against her fingertips felt like a glorious lifeline, jolting her heart into jubilant hope. In a blink, she gripped it fully, and with just a flick of her hand, a stream of screaming sparks flew up between the two men. They shrieked in alarm, their grips disappearing as they fell back. Hardly sparing a second to love the rush of freedom, her leg jerked up to drive her foot into Grabby’s jaw and her fist slammed painfully against Nose’s teeth with a satisfying crack.
Both men cried out in raging pain and surprise, and her whole body burned with adrenaline as she threw herself to her feet and tried to leap away. She was stopped short by a grip on her ankle, but with her brush in hand, she sliced a vicious blade out of the air and lashed out at her attacker, scoring a deep gash across his face and freeing herself when he screeched in pain.
As he doubled over, clutching his wound with both hands, the other man rounded on her and managed to land a solid punch to her ribs, knocking the wind out of her and sending her toppling to the ground. He was upon her in an instant, but just as quickly, she seized his collar and let the cold steel of her knife dance in and out of his torso. Her frantic stabbing to his gut, chest, and side prompted his code to visibly spark, and he froze for a moment before rolling off of her and spinning out in his death animation.
Not wasting a second, she was on her feet again, and within the next moment, she was hovering a safe distance away. The knife practically flung itself at the surviving racer, knocking him to his side like a bullet and starting his own whirling death.
One after the other, the racers disappeared in puffs of dust, and materialized again on their feet, whole and unscathed, panting with shock and rage.
“Sorry, fellas,” she shook her head, her voice high and grating with the thrill of freedom, “I can’t agree to those conditions. I made a promise that I intend to keep.”
Without pausing for reply, she was spiralling through the air yet again, placing as much distance between herself and them as possible and making a beeline straight for Turbo’s bedroom window. Her heart rattled hotly against her ribs as she desperately pried it open. Killing the flames in her shoes, she rolled in, whirled around on the spoiler of his car-bed, slammed the window shut, painted a lock on it for good measure, and fell back against the blankets, her chest heaving.
That was slightly terrifying.
Any loose objects in the room quivered with the beat of the party below. Rasping, trying to catch her breath, she rubbed gingerly at the ache in her side where she was punched. She tried to focus on the music, let it drown out the pain along with the searing panic in her chest. Truly, genuinely, she had almost been killed for good. That concept warped her thoughts, threw her off balance, sent the room into a sickening spin.
“No,” she breathed, putting a hand to her mouth and wincing at the dull pain in her bones. “No, it’s okay. It’s alright. You’re okay. You’re alive. We can make it. We can make it. We can make it…”
Her breaths steadily slowed, evening out, pulling in long, soothing mouthfuls of air. Yes, she made it. She was okay. Now that the encounter was over, she could really feel just how scared she was. It was the most horrible, humiliating feeling, and it was not welcome in her mind.
She swallowed, slowly and shakily righting herself and sitting up. A swish of her brush created a plastic cup of water, which she knocked back in one gulp.
“Okay,” she breathed, rising to her feet, refusing to let herself shake. “C’mon, Mavis, those nosebleeds don’t scare you…”
Truly, they did not scare her. She grinned at this fact, but her smile was short lived. What she really feared was death. Failure, falling out of existence. Not making it.
She shook her head briskly, clearing the thoughts from her head. There was no time to be sitting around battling her ridiculous fear. She had come to see Turbo, and that was what she was going to do. It was time to see just what his nightly parties were like, and judge for herself if they really were Turbo-tastic.
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