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#feeling stuck
furiousgoldfish · 10 days
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(tw mention of suicidal thoughts)
Alright so I am writing this because I can't find anyone to talk to, and my brain is letting me know that I need to talk about it somewhere.
I am falling depressed, and I'm unsure if it's genuine depression, or some sort of deep grief that is just feeling very similar. And I've already looked up what you're supposed to do if you're trying to break out of depression; I am sleeping full 8 hours on a regular sleep schedule, I shower regularly, I do my best to eat regular meals (sometimes it doesn't happen due to lack of energy), if I have any energy left in me, I take a little walk, I pay attention to my surroundings. I do my best to answer messages and to socialize, even superficially, with the people I see.
However, despite me doing all that, the deep feeling of sadness is persevering, in fact it gets worse after my walks, I end up going home in worse feeling of dread than before.
I was going to keep trying to break out of it, and then today something bad and triggering happened, and my mind just went very dark. Like what is even the point anymore? I started considering if anyone around me would be impacted by my suicide. And then just tried to dissociate from the bad thing that happened, tried to create reality in which it didn't. Like I could ignore it out of existence. Like maybe if I just curl up over there and never look at anything ever again, maybe then bad things would go away.
I tried to comfort myself thinking I could, at least, tell people around me and see if anyone would say anything kind or helpful, but people around me did not care at all, would go on about their troubles instead and looked at me like I was weirdo for complaining. Which again, made me feel like talking to people was the worst idea ever and like I was dumb for even engaging, I should have known I'm alone in this.
So now I'm back to sinking down in my grief, occasionally getting numb from it and sinking again. I had periods, years of grief in the past, and it just feels like you're slowly dying, right, and it doesn't stop and it feels suffocating and like you'd do anything for it to stop. But also in the past, I knew what I was grieving; it was the loss of my delusion of family, loss of hope that I will have family members who are in any way safe for me, loss of security and safety that comes with family, acknowledgment that I was abandoned and left with predators for the most of my life. I thought I was done grieving about all that, because for a while I just didn't think about it, and it didn't bother me. I don't think that's what I'm grieving now.
It's actually hard to pinpoint it, because my memories are mostly gone, but I think it's the loss of friendships in my life. I've tried hard to build connections with other people, even as scared and reluctant I was feeling about it, but it always fell trough, and left me feeling with less hope. The ends of friendships were so traumatic for me, that my memories of the entire friendships got deleted. And I can tell right now that hearing anything about people having friends, spending time together and helping each other, that usually sets my grief off, and causes me to start crying regardless of where I am. I tried to recall my past memories of friendships, but all I get back are things I never want to feel or live trough again. Every memory feels like enough reason never to interact with a person again, all of them cut so deep I have to dissociate from them right away.
And basically I don't know what to do. I am losing every bit of my willpower or energy to do anything. Even with my best efforts to stay upright, to interact with my environment and go to walks, I'm only out of bed while I'm working. And I'm randomly bursting into tears and collapsing while I'm doing my job. I am messing up basic tasks. There isn't any activity that isn't exhausting. And everything I cared about feels like nothing to me. I can't even imagine a future, which is usually what I did to pull myself out of bad moods, I would imagine a future where I had a home of my own, and security that I would be able to survive there without having to fight for my life. Now it feels like even if I had that, I would just still want to die.
I've been slowly falling into this place for months, but it is more real today than at any time before. I've put so much effort not to end up feeling like this but... it only makes me more sad to know I'm in this mess anyway. I don't know what to do. I've tried interacting with people, I've tried befriending people, every new interaction feels like it's going to drown me further.
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larapaulussen · 4 months
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serenityquest · 9 months
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aaabookdragon · 4 months
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I feel like I've been running a marathon my whole life, and only now in the last stretch, in the last mile, did I find out that I've had an injured foot the whole time. It wasn't as noticeable at first, but then it progressively got worse. Most other people don't have any injured feet but I didn't know that I wasn't like them, I just began to notice that I wasn't doing as well as they were, that it was harder for me than it used to be. Other people with injured feet were given help or told it was okay to be a bit behind, but I didn't know I was one of them so I just thought I was getting worse and couldn't get any better. And only now that I'm almost at the end, in my last year of school (17th now), do I know I have a injured foot. And even though I could get help for it like many others have, I'm just so used to doing it this way, and I'm almost at the end so what's the point? Why try to get help when I'm so used to going without it, when I don't even know if it will work? Why bother trying to get better when I'm almost at the end?
The point is that I'm tired of feeling like this, and I don't want to end it this way. But I don't know if I can do that.
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creatingnikki · 5 months
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He knows none of my secrets and yet he wants to kiss me — this is not flattering in the least. Fine, secrets may come down the road. Scars too. But smiles? Did he see my full range of smiles? Did he see the smile after the lame joke he cracks and the smile after I say something bold and the smile after I hear him say something a bit too earnestly sweet? Maybe he did. Maybe my issue is that unless everything is spoken, narrated like in a book or movie, my brain refuses to believe it exists. But actions. I don't even know what's the benchmark? I know the benchmark for words. Bur what about actions? For that I need to be less in my room, in my bed, on my phone like I am 16 and more out with you and him and the others for spontaneous karaoke nights and then crash at your place waking up to the quite nice iced coffee you make. But I'm not. I'm here. I'm trapped. I feel more trapped than I did as a teenager. Is that it? Is all my sadness and all my frustration just fomo and discomfort? That's funny. Not funny haha but funny I want to smash something so very hard into the mirror even if it's my hand.
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gingerieno-girl · 3 months
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Every day feels like I'm wading in snow. Deep thick snow. Each day takes more energy than the night can give. Every step pushed on by pure willpower. I don't know how long I can survive. I don't know if I'll survive. But I push further on. Knowing if I don't ill disappoint. Knowing if I don't I would truly have lost.
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enterocezione · 4 months
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Portrait.
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thiscapriciouslife · 16 days
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“The Ladder”
You’re fatal you’re fatal
Syringes and needles
You go to the atttic
To find all your people
You go to the basement
To find out you’re killers
An insect that thrives
Without handguns or feelers
Nobody sees who you are
without sealant
A child who’s starving to death
While you feed them
And nobody kneels
on the blacktop or pavement
Without picking scabs
causing scars
that don’t mean much
So you stand up and reach
In your pocket for matches
But in it was just a pocket
full of ashes
Now throw it in water
And watch what will happen
Now cover your face with it
Put on a mask then
You look all around
At these walls made of heathens
And watch as they laugh
when you just want to be them
And topping it off
Is a ceiling of treason
So do you just join them
Or fail trying to beat them
The ladder provided
will not even reach them
So why even try
to reach goals
and achievements
Once and a while a
man needs pep talk
You push on that rung
take a step
That’s a leg up
Step out of the ring
let it ring
Put the phone down.
And plan your escape
make your way
out the hole
But the higher you get
There is much less to hold
Except for a rope
with a noose
and a note
We promise to lower you into the ground
Your family and friends
will make sure you’re remembered
Here lies a man
but his name is all weathered
But then you’ll feel cold
with the worms
in the dirt
Looking up at the ground
where where the walls still exist
Where the ladder is rotting
away where it sits
Tempting another
to use the exit
Only to find out
the exits a myth
But what do I know
about pain and regret
I’ll leave that for someone else
back on the deck
A ship that is sailing
on rocks at the bottom
A slight of the hand
leaving bed frames in hostels.
And down on the ground
they are getting more hostile
Eating the eagles
until we have lost hope
Empty nests
lining the treetops
Still up is the way
counting bricks as you go
Until all the chaos
has turned into smoke
And all of the people
and places
and things
are just pins on a map
made of paper and ink
Folded so nicely
and put behind your seat
Just in case you forget your destination
And finally you make it
Standing on that last rung
Realizing the top
is still 10 feet away
A voice telling you
they are proud and impressed
But unfortunately
we can not give you the key.
This door is reserved
for those who can see
That the ladder we gave you
was put upside down
So you just have to keep climbing
Up
To the ground
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soujjwalsays · 1 year
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Sometimes I just wanna walk away. I don't care about the destination, I don't care about the time, I don't care about the consequences. Sometimes I just wanna feel free. Devoid & detached from the rat race, I wanna walk to a place where clocks don't matter, where it's ok to be different,a place where I can breath and thrive in my freedom. Sometimes...
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secretjournaldiary · 9 months
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and then I ask myself- what does one do when there is nothing that can be done about a situation, but the weight of nothing being done about it is making you feel like you can not breathe?
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katimorton · 7 months
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youtube
Are you stuck in life? Is fear dominating your life and you're afraid to make change or necessary changes in your life? Or are you not getting dopamine rewards from everyday activities to help motivate you? Let's talk about motivation and how we motivate ourselves to enjoy life more or to get more fulfillment from life. The truth is that self motivation and staying motivated in our life, or making life changes can be really hard. But there are little tips and tricks you can do to make positive change in your life and to motivate you to change your life, or to just find more joy and happiness in your daily life. We often may feel very stuck in life and not sure how to make changes to make be more happy and more positive and more motivated - but there are everyday practices we can do to find more joy and fulfillment in life, so let's jump into them.
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serenityquest · 1 year
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moth-moon7 · 2 months
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feeeeeling like a failureeeee
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