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#feeling pretty romance and sex repulsed today friends
icedmetaltea · 3 months
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Man, I really hate it when I'm reading something and the plot is incredibly good. Like so very good and then it just becomes smut. Pure smut. The amount of times this has happened to me is ridiculous. To each their own of course, I'm not hating on those writers. Everyone has their interests and if that's what they like then I'm happy they feel comfortable enough to share. It's just so difficult to find stories where characters remain platonic or where they don't just have sex a bunch to deepen their bond. Idk. Am I being a prude or an ass for thinking like this?
Are you talking about books or fics? :v
If the latter I highly suggest using the filters to blacklist. There's a guide here! Then just stick to rated G or T and avoid anything with tags that imply there's smut in it (there will still be people who don't tag their shit BUT try to avoid those). In general M or E is always gonna contain some kinda smut, or at least references to sex. Sometimes it's for violence/language but that's rare.
If it's books it's usually pretty easy to tell which books will have smut lol (at least in my experience, I avoid romance books generally)... if there's a shirtless or scantly-clad person on the cover it's prolly gonna have it. You can also check goodreads and sometimes you can tell based on comments and ratings if there will be smut, you can also just ask in the questions section.
You're not a prude or being an ass at all my friend!! Everybody's got stuff they're cool with and stuff they're not cool with. Heck, I have stretches of time where I'm super sex-repulsed and can't look at anything containing sex without wanting to gag. It's not at all unreasonable!
I'm not quite sure where to look for this BUT you may look for books/fics featuring asexual/aromantic characters. There aren't a ton but I know they exist! r/asexuality and/or r/aromantic as well as other internet forums may be helpful with locating books like this- there tends to be some overlap between the two so a lot of the time you'll find people looking for aroace stuff in one or the other. Also I have just today found out the term for romance books without smut is called "closed door" or "clean" romance so that's interesting
And remember: be the change you wanna see in the world! Maybe pick up writing and write the kind of relationship you prefer? It doesn't have to be a full-on book, maybe a fic or a short story with ocs? It can be super fun and fulfilling while also hitting that niche you crave
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mcrmadness · 2 years
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Ok I know that there are lots of young aspec people on Tumblr, some who have discovered themselves only very lately, but I still have a question. Especially for the "older" aspec population here (me myself being 30 and fully aroace):
Have you noticed that your ace/aro/aroace experience would have gotten stronger/the other forms of attraction would have (drastically) reduced as you get older? I mean like, I feel like when I was younger, I was experiencing aesthetic attraction really easily and strongly, but by time that has reduced to me today being basically "grey-aesthetic" if even that and I'm like. REALLY low on that spectrum now.
Usually I'm not even able to say if what I experience is aesthetic attraction towards a PERSON, or just towards the aesthetics I see e.g. color combinations or their overall style. Same person in a colors or style that I don't care about much will have zero aesthetic points. I simply don't feel a thing. No positive nor negative, but completely indifferent.
And a person with non-interesting style suddenly dressed up in colors and style I like is immediately aesthetically pleasing. It's hard to tell this apart from regular visual stims related to me being ND.
Today I don't even know what platonic attraction feels like, nor if I'm aplatonic or demiplatonic who just haven't found the right people yet. (Loveless aro I am for sure, but this one is a bit more complicated so I won't go into details about it more. But it makes it difficult to understand even platonic feelings.)
At some point I was even experiencing fictional crushes, but they ended completely somewhere around my early 20s. Nowadays I only have platonic feelings for fictional characters, but I can describe those only as a strong desire to befriend them. Before that I had regular teenager "crushes" (on other teens, I was disgusted by celebrity crushes because of the age gap) but I also had anxiety and never wanted to have anything (romantic) to do with those people, so I assume it was just strong aesthetic attraction, or if it was a friend, what I call as a person-hyperfixation related to my ADHD.
In fact, I figured I am romance-repulsed before I even knew about these words when I was thinking of my only ever "crush" on an online friend when I was 17, and realized that the thought of meeting her made me so nervous and anxious because I realized I actually wouldn't want to do anything so-called "romantic" with her. I think the "crush" also faded out soon after, especially after not talking with her for some time which is why I think it was just a person-hyperfixation. About romantic orientations I learned maybe like 5 years later, but I was already aware that I'm asexual. Actually, that was still the time when I identified as "asexual bi"* because I thought I can have crushes, but then soon it was clear to me that nope. I'm just asexual.
*It was 2008 and at that point asexuality was still just ace and aro stacked under the same label, and basically its meaning had nothing to do with sexual ATTRACTION, but it was more like "a person not interested in sex nor romantic relationships". At least in my country, and I can only speak for my country and my "community" of that time. To put it shortly: I was very annoyed by the assumption that every single person in a romantic relationship would automatically also be into sex. What I called as "asexual bi" would today be known as alloace, pretty much.
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wizard-glam · 1 year
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Demiromanticism and how it's affected me (and possibly others)!
This is a bit of a serious post today about Angled Aromanticism/Asexuality and mainly the label Demiromantic.
I Identify as queer. My attraction to people is definitely not heterosexual attraction. I have a preference to females and masculine non-binary people. But mostly it's only aesthetic, alterous attraction, and sometimes sexual attraction. especially if I've only seen them a couple of times, or they're an acquaintance.
The only time I ever experience romantic attraction to somebody is when I have had years of building on a friendship. But personally for me to experience romantic attraction is if I hang out with them or talk to them almost if not every single day.
If we only hang out for a couple of times a month I will not have romantic attraction towards somebody which made me confused in middle school when I fully identified as aromantic. I never felt romantic attraction because I never had that connection with somebody, and nobody would hang out with me almost everyday for years on end.
It took me 3 years of talking/roleplaying platonically everyday to fall in love with my ex. It took me 4 years to fall in love with my current partner, we saw each other pretty much everyday, even if we only interacted for a couple minutes each day.
This has positively and negatively affected my psyche. Especially when I was younger. The stories of falling in love at first sight are not true to me and I'm really heartbroken about that. It made me romance repulsed in middle school.
Demiromanticism isn't just about building an emotional bond for me. I have to interact with my friends on what feels like 24/7 to fall in love. It's like a job to fall in love, and when I am actually in love, i I confuse it for aesthetic/platonic attraction unless they confess to me first.
And when I am in a romantic relationship I obsess over romantic activities with only them and fictional characters because this feeling is so hard to obtain. Also being Aceflux with a hypersexual partner, who really loves sexual attraction, and prefers it over romantic, when I prefer romantic over sexual, really affects me.
And I hate when people say Demiromanticism and Demisexuality are not real or valid labels. This invalidates so many people who identify with these labels and experiences people have. I also despise when people use us as an excuse to ship or sexualize full on aroace people who do not experience romantic or sexual attraction whatsoever.
Yes, aroace people can still date or have sexual intercourse, and me and many others are proof of that. But using our label as an excuse to sexualize and romanticize aroace people who don't date and will not have sex is disgusting.
I feel like polyamorous people who are angled aroace have a hard time too. I'm not fully polyamorous myself (monoflexibe), but it's probably 10x harder for you all.
That's my little rant on this topic. I know there's like a wide variety of angled aroace identities, but I'm talking about my label and my experiences. I do however want to go in depth about other identities in the angled aroace community. Maybe I should start a podcast or continue writing these.
Feel free to write your experiences below in the comments, I'd love to read them all!
Bye <3,
-Glam!
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earthwormspaghetti · 10 months
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Ah fuck I think I might be ace.
I’ve never wanted to screw, and in 14 years of living I’ve only had like 4 “crushes”. I defined crush as wanting to live and get old and wrinkly with that person. They were all female. Males weren’t interesting to me. My mother tells me that I’m just not old enough, but given all corporal changes due to hormone development, I should logically feel SOMETHING. But I don’t. I don’t want a girlfriend, maybe a partner to hug and have a cute dinner with, but not someone who I consider a sexual partner. Physical intimacy disgusts me, I only like hugs, and in moderation. I’ve felt like that all my life. I’d prefer to live alone for the rest of my whole life than live a life of misery and repulsion at the other person.
Hell, I think tiddies are cool, but I don’t see them as sexual. They’re like a bird’s plumage, they’re interesting and unique. I don’t want to be sexual towards someone’s mammary gland insulation, that just feels like trying to have a conversation with a mannequin. It’s weird.
Self pleasure isn’t my thing, either. Why jerk off when you can just do something fun? Something thrilling or mysterious, that gives you adrenaline like the endorphins produced by physical pleasure.
I’ve always related to canonically aroace characters. I don’t remember any of their names, but I do remember Mordecai from the Lackadaisy comics and film. He never understood innuendos or implications of sexual stuff, it just didn’t interest him.
I’m going through a lot of things, mainly it being 00:37 in the fucking morning and I woke up at 6:00, but I think I’m possibly… sapphic ace? Romance seems cute, with cuddles and meals and little gifts.
Anyway, I have nobody to talk to and I’m lonely. Typing this out on my phone feels cathartic. I used to say I was bi… I think I just wanted friends and didn’t understand how love worked. Being sexually harassed in school probably played a part in my outright disgust for intimacy, and my “friends” letting the bullying and harassment happen made me crave love. Not love as a piece of meat or a pretty face, but love as appreciation that today, I’m alive and well. That I can see a new day with them.
I feel empty inside. My whole life feels foreign. I feel like all the self hatred and loathing towards a part of me I never understood has turned to understanding. I don’t look forward to my mother’s reaction, when she inevitably finds out via the most unbelievably weird ways, as usual for most important information. She says she loves sex and cannot live without it.. she says life without sex is like death. Checkmate, you dingus, I’ve already almost killed myself twice this week and it sure doesn’t feel scary. I just feel sad and tired.
Oh, Satan I need to go to bed. ):
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princeofspells · 3 years
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i just wanna hug my prince
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the-kipsabian · 5 years
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#mads yells#im just. so fucking lonely today tbh#like. hug and cuddle craving lonely#i dont like people but also i just. want someone. to be here. physically hold me. laugh with me. play with me. just to be there for me#listening my friends talk about their relationships and how successful they are on literally any dating platform is like#a slap in the face. but i also cannot ask them to stop talking about it ya know..#so i just pretend its fine. when its really not. when it feels awful and gross cause im not pretty enough to ever even find anyone#i wont ever find anyone who would want someone romance and sex repulsed cause thats what people make of relationships nowdays#im doomed to forever be lonely cause i cant just. get anyone who would want the same things as i do#im never gonna find someone who im worthy#im just gonna be alone forever and i dont even wanna try anymore cause its just gonna make me even sadder cause i wont get it#and i know that. thats also why i cant even think about joining on a dating site or anything cause who would ever want a goblin like me#to even talk to me. let alone get to know me. not to even mention something like romance or sex lacking relationship#im just. so tired. im lonely. i want hugs and to be held and im never gonna have any of that and it just#it hurts man but i cant do anything about it.. i cant change my feelings about certain things cause thats just the way i am#and its not making things any easier tbh.. like. not at all#im just. gonna roll into a ball and pretend i dont exist for like the rest of the week i guess..
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chibinekochan · 3 years
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Loving you- ft Asmo
Asmo with an asexual reader
They are not aromantic. 
So everything goes except doing the do. 
They aren't sex-repulsed either but it's a super rare occasion option for them. 
If I got anything wrong I gladly fix it. I'm not ace or aro. Maybe a bit demisexual but that's neither here nor there. 
Gender-neutral reader insert.
  Words 2k
Falling for you was certainly something new. Completely unexpected. 
Of course, Asmo has his fair share of crushes and romances. 
Love on the other hand? Well, he thought that he experienced love. At least until he met you. Until he fell for you. 
He didn't see it coming at all. All it needed was a little human with empathy, just the right amount of flirting and care. 
Asmo can only chuckle about how fast and hard you made him fall for you. 
Even now, where he is about to confess his feelings for you, he is uncharacteristically nervous. Some might even say insecure.
  Asmo can only shake his head at himself. 
Finally, you knock on his door, much like a little boy. He nervously opens the door.
  You probably would never even be able to tell how much his heart is beating for you. "Welcome to my humble room. Please come in and feel all at home." Asmo looks at you with a wide smile, practically beaming at you. 
"Thank you Asmo. You look great today by the way." You smile at him, admiring his new outfit. 
Asmo smiles at you. "Thank you very much. I see you wear the outfit we got together last time we went out." His heart fills with a great sense of pride. 
Your cheeks grow a bit hot. "I dressed it thinking it would make you happy." It's very cute to him how you can act so shy sometimes. 
"It really does." Asmo closes his door behind you. You don't know how truly happy he is seeing you in this outfit. Especially since it's only the two of you today. "Sit wherever you want."
Asmo knows you like to sit in random places, depending on your mood.
  "I see you redecorated, it looks very nice. I love the fairy lights." You admire the small changes in his room. 
"I'm glad you like it. I did it thinking of you. When Satan was here the other day he didn't even notice. Can you believe that?" Asmo shakes his head.
"That's very sweet of you and I guess Satan just has not the eye for such things." You shrug and find yourself sitting on Asmos bed. 
It's pretty comfortable.
"Oh, I got some new products we just have to try today." Asmo spots the small basket of things he put aside to try with you. It's funny how many of these he collects. Within days the basket is always filled. 
Asmo brings the basket over. With great interest, you look at the products. "Wow, I can't even recognize any of these brands. How did you even find these?" Your eyes sparkle when you see the unfamiliar items with funny demon names. 
"Hehe, that's a secret but it wasn't easy. Now the question is what should we use first?" Asmo somehow always finds himself thinking more and more about what kind of products would boost your natural beauty or health. 
Funny how being in love changed his way of thinking completely. 
You look at the items."I don't even know where to start. They all sound interesting. Like this bath bomb that is supposed to smell like a strawberry field and makes your skin smooth." 
Asmo nods in agreement. "I agree. There are face masks too. They are made from mineral earth only found in volcanoes in the devildom. They will make any demon look at least a thousand years younger. Not that we need that, but it's supposedly best to revitalize your skin." Asmo proudly shows you the package. 
"I wonder if that works for humans too but it sounds great. You know I had this bit of dry skin on my arm the other day. Do you have anything for that?" You always happily ask Asmo for advice. 
"Of course. I got a great moisturizer just the other day. Let me get it for you." Asmo is glad he picked it up. He grabs the bottle for you and sits down right next to you. 
"I will apply it for you if you don't mind." Asmo uses every chance he can to be physically closer to you. 
"Sure, go right ahead." You completely trust Asmo, you don't see him as just a friend but you know how important sex is for him. So you have never broached the topic of a relationship with him. Being mostly content with being just friends. Even when it hurts.
  Asmo rolls up your sleeve up and sees a small spot of dry skin on your upper arm. "Looks like someone has not applied an equal amount of moisturizer everywhere." He playfully scolds you and then uses some of the moisturizer on your arm. He slowly and carefully applies the cream to your skin. He enjoys having physical contact with you. Getting lost in the sensation of being so close to you. It's somehow very intimate, despite it being just applying the cream. 
You notice that Asmo is slowly but surely using the moisturizer on your entire arm. His touch feels very good but it also makes you a bit nervous. 
You tried and failed before coming out as asexual to Asmo. It scares you, knowing how much he loves doing sexual acts. You don't want Asmo to judge you or make fun of your feelings. Mainly you fear that he won't understand you or even worse that he will take a huge step back from you. 
It's pretty clear to you that Asmo is sexually interested in you. He has asked you to sleep with him before. Asmo is always alright when you decline. He honestly doesn't seem to mind and isn't pushy about it at all either.
  "Asmo there is something I want to tell you." At this moment the words start to pour out of your mind. It's unfair not to tell him. He is very important to you as a friend and as someone you have a crush on. 
Asmo crocks his head. He wonders what you might want to say, you seem to be rather nervous. Could it possibly be that you might like him too? Asmo doubts that it's something like that, but he can always hope. Asmo braces himself for whatever it might be. "You know you can tell me everything." He is a bit wary of what you might want to confess.
"I hope this won't change anything between us but the truth is that I'm asexual." You feel great tension when you finally tell him. Asmo is surprised. 
He truly didn't expect this at all. "Wait so when you said no to sleeping with me that was because of that?" Somehow this is the first question on his mind. 
Your cheeks instantly heat up. "Yeah, I'm just not interested in that."
Asmo seems to just realize a few things. "So it wasn't because you weren't attracted to me?" He thought this was the actual reason why you weren't interested. Even when his own feelings were not changing. 
"You are certainly attractive to me. I mean we are flirting all the time after all." It's slightly embarrassing to admit but somehow it also feels nice to say it out loud. 
"That's true but I thought you were just being playful." Asmos head is racing with many different thoughts. "I have to confess something too and I hope this doesn't scare you away but I really really like you. I mean romantically." Asmo finally says what he wanted to tell you today. 
Now it's your turn to be surprised. "I had no idea. But with me being ace will a relationship between us even work out?" You feel happy but also afraid at the same time. 
'I've never had a purely romantic relationship before. I mean, you know me, I like doing these things. I like to flirt and I like the attention of others. I can't really pinpoint the reason why but with you it's different. Maybe it's because I have never felt this way before or it's because we are such close friends. I've never even been in a truly committed relationship before. All I know is that I want to be with you." Asmo seems open to it at least. 
"Even when I'm ace it doesn't mean we can't do many things together. I love to cuddle and I love all kinds of attention. I can still feel sexual attraction but it's extremely rare that I want to do it at all. If you think you can't live like this it's fine. I won't hold it against you. You are so important to me and I don't want to lose my best friend." You aren't sure how to say it right but your heart breaks by the thought of hurting Asmo. 
Asmo nods seemingly lost in thought. "I would never want to hurt you either." Suddenly he gently puts his hand on yours.
  You look at him with curious eyes. 
Then he gently looks you into your eyes. "Do you like me back?" 
"I do. I really like you." You say without a hint of doubt. 
Asmo smiles gently. "Do you want to be in a relationship with me?" 
"Yes but…" You start but Asmo interrupts you. 
"No buts about your sexuality." Asmo seems to know what you want to say. "Just answer yes or no."
You hesitate for a moment. "Yes." It surely will be difficult but it is also what you truly want. 
"Despite you knowing how I am?" Asmo can't seem to hold a giggle back. 
"Of course. I love even your bad sides." You smile at him teasingly. 
"Bad sides? I have no such thing." Asmo pouts playfully. 
You giggle. "Will you still be in relationships with other people?" This is an important question for you. 
'Honesty, I'm not sure if I will miss sleeping with someone. I never went without for a long time. I'm pretty content, just flirting for the most part. I mean, to be honest, I wasn't fooling around for a while now. I think you are to blame for that one." Asmo puts a lot of thought into his words.
  It makes you smile to see how much he truly cares about you. 
"I'm very sorry for making you fall for me." You giggle and act wounded. 
Asmo grins at you. "I forgive you."
"So does that mean you want to try a serious relationship with me? One where we cuddle, kiss, and maybe even hold hands?" Of course, there are many more things you can and will do together. 
"Holding hands? How scandalous!" Asmo laughs out loud. Then he takes your other hand and holds them both tightly. "It honestly sounds great to me. It won't be easy. We probably have to have some conversations about things. Maybe we will argue and make up. Maybe I will break your heart but maybe I will make you very happy. I have no guarantee that it will work out. Despite that, I want to be with you. I want to call you mine, and I want to be yours." Asmos words are very heartfelt. 
"Somehow this is crazy but it sounds pretty great to me." You can't help but smile at him. Even as friends you sometimes had some fights but always managed to come out stronger in the end. "I think we can make this work." 
"You are right, we can. How about a kiss now to celebrate?" Asmo is practically beaming. 
The atmosphere seems to be just right for this. "Yes." Suddenly you feel a bit nervous. It's not even your first kiss with Asmo. Your heart beats wildly.
  Asmo feels equally nervous. He doesn't even know why.
  He leans in, slightly parting his shaking lips. Your heart keeps beating faster, suddenly your lips feel strangely dry. 
Then your lips meet. Somehow the world suddenly feels right.
  It's natural and special at the same time. It lasts a few moments. A bit longer than a typical first kiss. 
When you lean in to kiss Asmo, your heads almost bump together. Causing both of you to chuckle. 
Asmo then hugs you. This also feels so right. Much more than either of you could ever expect. 
This first step into your relationship with Asmo is a good reflection of your future together. 
Sometimes you have a few bumps in the road, but there is also a lot of fun and love.
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Hi :) I... really wanna read a fanfic or two but I can't find one I vibe with xD So... do you know one that's not too long (around 100k words maybe), has hurt and comfort, smut (am I allowed to ask about that?? Ahhhh) and a happy ending? Top!lock would be a bonus but it's not necessary. And if it's a nice AU (like... any kind but no crossovers pls), it would be perfect! :D By the way, I found your blog only a few hours ago and I already feel really comfy and Idk, kinda at home here ^-^
Hi Nonny!!!
Welcome to my corner of the Tumblrsphere!!! I’m so happy you’ve found me, LOL, because I love all my followers and friends! <3
First of all, I think it’s super cute that “not too long” to you is “around 100K” LOL LOL LOL!!! <3 That said, I’d argue all my fic recs are fabulous, LOL. But again, I’m stupidly proud of the wonderful lists I’ve accumulated, because it satisfies my organization kink LOL. And yes, you’re ALWAYS allowed to ask for smut here LOL. 
ANYWAY, so I’m gonna use this ask as an excuse to post up a long-overdue part two to my 50 to 100K fic list! But first, here’s some past lists for the genres you’re looking for:
FIC MASTER PAGES: PG1 || PG 2 || PG 3
Toplock (Mar 2020)
Omegaverse
Please Check PG 3 for all my AU fic lists. There’s a lot :)
Hurt / Comfort Pt. 1: Under 5K Words 
Hurt / Comfort Pt. 2: 5K to 10K Words
Fandom Favourites / Popular Fics
I hope those will get you started! So now, here’s the main event!! Hope you enjoy them!
50 - 100 K WORDS Pt. 2 (Novel Length)
See also:
Fics Under 2000 w.
Fics Under 2000 w. Pt. 2
Fics Under 2000 w. Pt. 3
E-Rated Johnlock for Newcomers Pt 1 (Short Fics under 20K)
Novella Length Fics: 25 to 50K (Aug. 2019)
Novel Length Fics: 50 to 100K (Nov. 2018)
Novel Length Fics: 100K+ w. (May 2019)
Long S3/Post-S3 Fics (20K+ w.) [Apr 2020]
Top 20 Fave 40K+ w. Fics (April 2017)
Smut-Free Fics Over 50K (Aug 2019)
The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse by SilentAuror (E, 50,635 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4/S4 Divergence, Case Fic, For a Case / Reverse Fake-Relationship, Conferences, Marriage Equality, Travelling / New York, Pride, Homophobia, Bottomlock, Marriage Proposal, John POV, Sexuality, Love Confessions, Emotional Love Making, Public Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Passionate Kissing, Needy/Clingy Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Touching / Hand Holding, Bed Sharing, Little Spoon Sherlock, Intense Orgasms) – John and Sherlock go to New York to attend a conference run by the National Defence of Traditional Marriage Coalition in order to investigate the potential bombing of the annual Manhattan Pride parade. As the conference unfolds, John finds himself repulsed by the toxic ideology being presented, which becomes relevent to his own unacknowledged issues and his friendship with Sherlock...
Repairing the Broken Things by BakerTumblings (M, 75,252 w., 15 Ch. || S4 Compliant, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Medical Trauma, Hospitals, Big Brother Mycroft, Misunderstandings, Realizations, Severe Accident, John Whump, Pneumonia, Medical Procedures, Bed Sharing, First Time, Healing, Happy Ending) – "I'm calling today to notify you that there's been an accident."
Points by lifeonmars (E, 53,791 w., 42 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || HLV Rewrite / Canon Divergence, Married Life, Pregnancy / Baby Watson, Drinking to Cope, Boxing / Fisticuffs, Clueless John, Angst, Minor Medical Drama, Tattoos, Christmas, First Kiss/Time, Eventual Happy Ending, Love Confessions, Doctor John, Sexuality Crisis, Slow Burn, Case Fic, Drugging, Blow/Hand Job, Emotional Love Making, Parenthood, Passage of Time) – What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other.
Never Change a Running System by Lorelei_Lee (E, 54,246 w. || Pre-TRF, Romance, Humour, Drama, Sex Toys, Anal, Rimming, Masturbation, Frottage, Blow Jobs, Public Sex, First Kiss / Time, Virgin Sherlock / Loss of Virginity, Accidental Voyeurism, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Experiments, Naive Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Jealous Sherlock, Possessive Sherlock, Straight With an Exception John, Hand Jobs) – Sherlock discovers his sexuality – with far-reaching consequences for John.
A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because...new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride... prepare for blast off. Part 1 of the SpaceBois go to Space series
The Thing Is by TSylvestris (E, 56,743 w. || Case Fic, Dev. Rel., Anal/Oral, Blow Jobs, Meddling Mycroft, Drama, Romance, Humour, Casual Encounters, Pining Idiots, Possessive Sherlock, Orgasm Delay, Rough / Alley Sex, Public Sex, John Whump, Drugged John, Emotional Love Making, Awkward Relationship, Marriage of Convenience, Switchlock) – The problem with living with Sherlock, John thought, was that you never, never, ever knew the significance of anything. Like your flatmate's nose buried in your hair. Whilst you're in bed. Part 1 of Nitroglycerine
One Little Change by jadztone (E, 58,312 w. || ASiB Divergence, Fake Relationship, Bed Sharing, Mutual Pining, Friends to Lovers, First Kiss / Time, Anal Sex, Blow Jobs, Bi John / Gay Demisexual Sherlock, Switchlock, Alternating POV, Jealousy, Misunderstandings, Case Fic, Angst with Happy Ending, Emotional Love Making, Butt Plugs, Cuddles) – Our story begins right after John and Sherlock's first meeting with Irene Adler in September. It splits off into an AU that imagines them taking a case where they act as bait to hook a killer targeting closeted gays in secret relationships. In the weeks leading up to Christmas, many things happen that have our boys wondering if maybe they have a chance with each other. Then Irene fakes her death on Christmas Eve, and things get a lot more complicated - especially since they still have a killer to catch.
floating through a dark blue sky by Lediona (M, 58,966 w. || Notting Hilll AU || POV John, Celebrity Sherlock, First Date / Time / Kiss, Past Drug Addiction, Angst with a Happy Ending) – Of course, I’d seen his films and always thought he was, well, brilliant -- but, you know, a million miles from the world I live in. Or, when John is the owner of a travel book shop and the famous Sherlock Holmes stops in one day.
The Burning by SrebrnaFH (M, 60,658 w. || Reverse Reichenbach, Suicide, Depression, Hurt Sherlock / John, Separation, BAMF John, Good Big Brother Mycroft, Angst, Implied/Referenced Torture, Fake Character Death, Rescue Mission, Reconciliation / Reunion, Hospitalization, Marriage Proposal, Illnesses, Physical Therapy, Happily Ever After) – Something went very, very wrong. John had seemed, if not happy, then reasonably content with his life. Sherlock had never predicted something like THIS might have happened. Not in his worst nightmares. He was the lousiest friend ever, apparently. At least Mycroft found him something to occupy his mind with, so that he didn't have to go back to 221B and stare at the walls and the chair, where John Watson would never sit again.
This Thing All Things Devours by cypress_tree (E, 63,844 w., 15 Ch. || In Time AU || Science Fiction, Dystopian Universe, First Meetings, Action / Adventure, Romance) – In 2169, time is money—literally. Humans are genetically engineered to stop aging at 25, when the numbers on their arm start counting down from one year. When that time is up, they die. The only way to get more time is to earn it, borrow it, or steal it.John Watson lives day-to-day in the crowded slums of Zone 13. He never imagined living any differently—until he meets the practically-immortal Sherlock, and helps him on a case to track a local time-thief...
The Bells of King's College by SilentAuror (E, 64,019 w., 5 Ch. || Post-S4, Missed Opportunities, Angst with Happy Ending, Fake Relationship, Case Fic, John POV, Jealous John, John in Denial, Travelling / Holidays, Virgin Sherlock, Wedding Proposals) – It's only been two weeks since Eurus Holmes disrupted their lives when Mycroft sends John and Sherlock to Cambridge to pose as an engaged couple at a wedding show in the hopes of solving six unsolved deaths...
Hell Sent, Heaven Bound by ConsultingHound (M, 64,381 w, 16 Ch. || Angels / Demons AU ||  Fallen Angel Sherlock / Angel Cop John, Alternate First Meeting, Slow Burn, Case Fic, John & Lestrade are Friends Before Sherlock, BAMF John, Mind Palace John, Friends to Lovers, John in Denial, Sherlock Picks Out John’s Clothing, Clubbing / Dancing, Mildly Jealous John, Awkwardness, Kidnapping, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Sacrifice, Worried / Anxious Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Immortal to Mortal) – Ex-War healer and current angelic guard John Watson is not having the best day. He overslept, he’s underpaid, and now there’s someone tagging the Council’s building walls. However things may be about to get interesting: there’s an unusual stranger hanging around (the definition of tall, dark, and handsome), a literal underground cult is brewing, and rumblings are coming from hell. Can he keep his neighbourhood safe, how and why is he being connected to all this, and who the hell is Sherlock Holmes?
White Knight by DiscordantWords (M, 69,840 w., 13 Ch. || S4 Compliant/Post S4, Marriage For a Case, Jealous John, Pining John, Janine / Sherlock Fake Relationship, Serial Killers, Case Fic, Undercover as a Couple, Weddings, John is a Mess, Misunderstandings, Wedding Planning, Jealousy, Drunkenness, Love Confessions, Angst with Happy Ending) – Green. The word green was used to convey a great many things. Illness. Envy. Inexperience. Standing there amidst Janine's chattering bridesmaids, watching Sherlock furrow his brow and study fabric swatches, watching him smile and simper and flirt, John thought it a remarkably apt colour choice. Because he felt quite sick to his stomach, he feared the source of said sickness might very well be jealousy, and he had absolutely no idea at all what to do about it. Or: Sherlock needs to fake a relationship for a case. He doesn't ask John.
Being John Watson-ish by elwinglyre (E, 69,902 w., 17 Ch. || Bodysnatcher AU || Author John, Cranky Sherlock, Angst, Sexual Tension, First Kiss / Time, Falling in Love, BAMF John, Past Soldier John, Feelings, Inside Someone’s Brain, Shy Sherlock, Sherlock Loves John, POV Sherlock, Switchlock, Slow Burn, Internal Dialogue, Mental Turmoil) – When consulting detective Sherlock Holmes steps on one toe too many at a crime scene, he's consigned to a desk job in an archaic office on the seventh-and-a-half floor of the New Scotland Yard. It’s in this bleak office that Sherlock discovers a portal into the mind of renowned author John Watson. Grander than his mind palace, this new wonderland affords Sherlock new vistas of experimentation. To learn more about the mystery behind the portal, Sherlock seeks out and befriends Watson. But then it all goes wrong when others find the secret portal door—including the man whose brain he visits.
Just To Hold You Close by sussexbound (E, 70,841 w., 18 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting, Sherlock POV, ASD Sherlock, PTSD John, Demisexual Sherlock, Bisexual John, Cuddling/Snuggling, Platonic Cuddling, Enthusiastic Consent, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, First Kiss/Time, Sexual Tension, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Cuddle Negotiations, For a Case Until It Isn’t, Hair Petting, Sexual Negotiation, Anxiety, Trust Issues, Slow Burn, Panic Attacks, Frottage, Hand/Blow Jobs, Referenced Self Harm / Abuse / Suicidal Ideation, First Kiss/Time, Anal) – When a woman is murdered and the last person to see her alive is recently invalided army vet turned reluctant (and prickly) professional cuddler, John Watson, Sherlock Holmes is pulled into a world of intimacy and intrigue he never could have imagined. John is a conundrum and mystery: frank yet reserved, tender yet angry, open yet afraid. Sherlock is instantly drawn into his orbit, and begins to feel and desire things he never has before.
The Vapor Variant by 88thParallel (M, 72,684 w., 18 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-THoB, John Whump, Protective Sherlock, Guilty Sherlock, Anxious/Worried Sherlock, Virgin Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, PTSD John, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Suspense, Virus, Sickfic, Big Brother Mycroft) – They stood face to face in the middle of a clearing. The dim light of the moon barely allowed Sherlock to see the glassy terror in John’s eyes and the sweat that glistened off his forehead. His nose was bleeding again, blood dripping in a slow stream from his right nostril. They were both gasping for air, John’s eyes locked on Sherlock’s. There was no recognition there, just wild animal fear. Time stood still for an eternal few seconds, and Sherlock took a shaky breath. “John—”Spell broken, John spun and bolted back into the woods. Still heaving for air, Sherlock took off after him.
Summit Fever by J_Baillier (M, 78,802 w., 18 Ch. || Mountain Climber AU || POV John, Angst, Tragedy, Suicidal Ideation, The Himalayas, Mountain Guide / Doctor John, Mount Climber Sherlock, Loneliness, Drama, Suspense, Slow Burn, Injured Sherlock / Sherlock Whump, Pining John) – After graduating from medical school, John Watson followed his heart to the Himalayas. Ten years later, he's a haunted cynic working for his ex-lover's trekking and mountaineering company. Will leading an expedition to Annapurna I—the most lethal of all the world's highest mountains—shake John out of his reverie, and who is the mystery client added to the group at the last minute?
The Monument of Memory by J_Baillier (M, 79,663 w., 14 Ch. || Post S4 Fix It Fic / S4 is Canon, Angst, Family Drama, Guilt, Case Fic, John Loves Sherlock, Complicated Feelings, Mentalism / Hypnosis, Murder, Grieving John, Sherlock is a Bit Not Good, Team Work, Trust Issues, BAMF John, Psychological Trauma, Protective John, Autistic-Spectrum Sherlock, Parentlock, John POV) –  A genius traumatised by a past he's only beginning to recall. The psychopath sister that time forgot. A missing woman and a mentalist who may or may not be a murderer. And, in the middle of it all, stands John Watson.
Thermocline by J_Baillier (M, 83,557 w., 14 Ch. || Scuba Diving AU || Adventure, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Marine Archaeology, Asexual Sherlock, Horny John, Relationship Drama, Technical/Scuba/Wreck Diving, Slow Burn, Underwater /  Medical Peril, Doctor John, Hurt Sherlock, Anxious Sherlock, John POV, Protective John, Body Appreciation) – John "Five Oceans" Watson — technical dive instructor, dive accident analyst and weapon of mass seduction — meets recluse professor of maritime archaeology Holmes. As they head out to a remote archipelago off the coast of Guatemala to study and film its shipwrecks for a documentary, will sparks fly or fizzle out?
The Summer Boy by khorazir (T, 94,706 w., 6 Ch. || Post S3/Post TAB/Alternate S4, Friends to Lovers, Flashbacks, Sussex, Bullying, 1980′s Kid Sherlock, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Inexperienced Sherlock, Grief/Mourning, Pining Sherlock, Background Case Fic) – About half a year after the fateful events at Appledore, Sherlock and John embark on a private case in Sussex. For Sherlock, it’s a journey into his past, bringing up memories both happy and sad that he has locked away for almost thirty years. For John, it means coming to terms with the present – and a potential future with Sherlock. Part 1 of the The Summer Boy series
Northwest Passage by Kryptaria (E, 95,157 w., 27 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Canadian AU ||  BAMF!John, Canadian John, PTSD, Anal / Oral Sex, Rimming, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Drug Rehab, Falling in Love, Pining Sherlock, Love Confessions, Sherlock’s Violin, Panic Attacks, Switching, Anxious / Protective Sherlock, Hugs for Comfort, Suicide Mentions, Healing Each Other) – Seven years ago, Captain John Watson of the Canadian Forces Medical Service withdrew from society, seeking a simple, isolated life in the distant northern wilderness of Canada. Though he survives from one day to the next, he doesn't truly live until someone from his dark past calls in a favor and turns his world upside-down with the introduction of Sherlock Holmes." Part 1 of Tales from the Northwest
31_Days_of_Porn_Challenge_2017 Series by distantstarlight (E, 96,540 w. across 31 stories || Prompt Ficlets, Assorted Kinks, PWP) – A collection in response to the 31 Days of Porn Challenge issued by AtlinMerrik! Thanks for doing that because this has been buttload of fun (that joke never gets old). All stories will be brief stand-alone one-shots.
The Baker Street Nativity by SwissMiss (E, 99,662 w., 23 Ch. || Nativity! AU || Teacher Sherlock / TA John, Pining, Sherlock POV, UST, Angst, Christmas, Music/Song Fic, Anal / BJ’s, First Kiss / Time) – Fusion between Sherlock (BBC) and Nativity! (2009 movie starring Martin Freeman). Sherlock is a primary school teacher and John is assigned to be his classroom assistant. Together, they are charged with putting on the school's Nativity play. What could possibly go wrong? Part 1 of The Baker Street Nativity Verse
Given In Evidence by verityburns (M, 97,884 w., 19 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Angst, Drama, Case Fic, Romance, BAMF!John, Submissive Sherlock, First Kiss, Humour) – Coming back from the dead can be a complicated business. With a new case on the horizon, rebuilding a life is one thing... rebuilding a friendship quite another. For Sherlock and John, things may never be just the same...
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whookami · 3 years
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About Stobin
Or
An asexual’s limited experience in what romance and relationships are actually about and how she totally put her foot in her mouth and probably offended an entire demographic unintentionally, but was also super aggressive about it?
Or
Whoops. I done fucked up.
So, no denying it. I made a post yesterday in which I argued in bad faith about the entire topic of Stobin, and why shipping them without a sexual component shouldn’t receive the amount of hate it does.
First and foremost: I’m in no way an authority on sex and sexuality and sexual identity. In fact, I’m probably the least qualified person to talk about it. I’m asexual. I’m actively repulsed by most physical contact, and I’m pretty content 90% of the time with my permanent singlehood.
But! At times I see relationships, and I envy them. I want them. I want that connection that two people feel so deeply that makes them choose each other above anyone else in the world. The problem is that when I see this take the form of a romantic relationship, let’s say Jancy for instance, I can’t relate. I don’t want that. I don’t want the touching and kissing and all of that stuff. I see something like Steve and Robin, who have a dynamic I envy without any physical component, and to me that is the ultimate perfect ideal. I want to grow old with someone like that.
But this ignores and invalidates Robin’s sexuality, and in a comment I received and replied to, it mentions that my take reduced the identifier of Lesbian as being limited to a sexual concept, when it means more. And I replied that I understood and agreed. But after a few hours of sitting with this, I realized, I don’t really understand. Like, at all. To me, labels like Gay or Lesbian did, in my mind, indicate a sexual identity, but not an emotional one. In my head I’d always divorced the concept of physical attraction and emotional attraction as two separate pieces, but with a certain amount of overlap, as this is true of my personal experiences. I can experience aesthetic attraction, and desire an emotional connection with other people that is, maybe?, on par with romantic attraction. I’m honestly not even sure. But I’d always internalized these pieces as being very separate and not limited or affected by gender.
But like, I can’t pretend like I understand how these different pieces line up, or feel, or affect each other in allosexual people. I mean, I said I understood, and I grasp it a bit, but, most of that understanding comes from the media I’ve watched in my life, and so much of that expressed love and romance from an exclusively patriarcial heteronormative perspective. What the hell do I actually know about how women view sex, and how lesbians view themselves and their identities? Even though I’m afab, my own sexuality has largely separated me from how most women experience themselves, their bodies, their awareness of their own sexuality, and how that affects their behaviour. It’s kind of weird to realize just how little I understand this thing that is just so innate to other people.
That doesn’t give me a pass to be an ass about it, though. My post yesterday was assholish. I did get rid of that piece, but I kept myself a copy as a reminder. I’m honestly embarassed now. I don’t have an excuse. I am cringing at myself right now. I said something truly stupid about not being allowed to view Stobin as romantically possible is somehow (how??? How, Courtney?? You did a shit job explaining this part and today, only a day later, I don’t even know what the heck I was trying to say!) denying my sexual identity or some vague shit like that. I seriously do not know what I meant. I do know I was angry because over messenger I’d been talking with a friend about fanfic and mentioned I was writing one in which Steve and Robin are in an arranged marriage, and while it is sexless, Steve is incredibly happy and Robin is caught feeling guilty and unhappy and a bunch of things because she cares about Steve and doesn’t want to hurt him and lie to him and blah blah blah, not important. Anyways, she called me disgusting and that I should give up writing for all time. Which, okay, hurt. I was angry and upset and for whatever reason it lead to that awful rant, and just… fuck. I was such a piece of shit. I really was. I’m mad at myself for having such a knee jerk reaction and saying a bunch of garbage, it was a pathetic attempt to make my feelings seem more valid, or like I was somehow the offended party.
Let me be perfectly clear: I wasn’t. Of course I wasn’t. My friend was harsh and could’ve definitely spoken with me about the issue in a better manner, but I’m the one who went off and made a private disatisfaction into this rant in which I tried to speak with authority about something I have no right to pretend like I understand.
I’m really sorry. It was offensive and filled with a bunch of terrible ideas and poisonous concepts and just an unfair anger that I am ashamed of in hindsight. I used terrible arguments to try and make my own feelings seem more valid, because I didn’t want to feel wrong or bad for how my take on them as an ‘ideal’ relationship ignores a huge part of their identities, and in Robin’s case that identity means an awful lot to so many people who have long been either unrepresented, underrepresented, or poorly represented. And I go opening my big fucking mouth and just stick my entire leg in there.
So yeah, that was shitty of me and I’m gonna try to do better. It’s not gonna be perfect, but like, I can just keep trying and keep listening when people who actually do know what they’re talking about have something to say to me about it.
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highqueenofelfhame · 4 years
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acotar au wk day 4: modern au.
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It was a kiss that I knew would have me reeling for hours on end. Long after the day was over, when I was home alone in my bed, I would be thinking about this kiss and the way his lips felt on mine. 
Every bit of me was going to be ruined, I would never recover. This was a kiss that was like waking up, like seeing the world through a new clarity and once you saw everything so bright and crisp you couldn’t just go back to the way things were before. It was the first kiss I’d had since I broke things off with Tamlin three months ago and it was the most alive I had felt in longer than I cared to admit. 
His mouth moved against mine in a way that felt so natural that I couldn’t believe it hadn’t happened sooner despite its inevitability. The shape of his lips, the taste and feel of his tongue as it swept through my mouth --
“Cut!” Mother above. Things had just started to get good, too. 
~*~ 
My crush on Rhysand Knox had, admittedly and some-what shamefully, began the first day I met him eight months ago when I was signed on as a new role on the TV show he was the lead actor for. I would probably consider us friends on the days he wasn’t doing everything he could to get under my skin, which was most of them. He was more handsome than a freshly fallen Lucifer, and just as obnoxious as Tom Ellis managed to portray him on-screen. But he was beautiful, so painfully beautiful that when I caught him looking at me in my more revealing costumes my cheeks turned shades of crimson that only embarrassed me further. 
Today had been one of those days, our first on-screen kiss being filmed that fans had been waiting for for months on end. Ever since my character had made her debut, actually. There had been so many petitions with so many signatures that the writers had reworked the entire script, written out love interests, all to fit out romance that was never supposed to happen. 
Some days I would even admit that Rhysand was flirty with me, that his teasing was more than just banter to get under my skin. Maybe when he told me I looked nice or pretty or even beautiful, he wasn’t just saying so to make me squirm. As wild a concept as it was, there was always the chance that he was serious in his pursuit, and after a kiss like that I couldn’t help but wonder. 
Then again, he was one of the best 20-something actors out there, best any aged actor if I were being honest. It was his job to make it look believable, to make it feel believable. They paid him so much money that it was practically his job to make me fall in love with him like he had several other co-stars. 
I was pulled from my reverie by a warm body dropping into the seat next to me, a hand sticking out a cup of coffee with tendrils of steam snaking out from the lid. A smooth, unfortunately hot accent purred, “Darling,” in my ear and I shifted in my seat to take the coffee. 
“How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me that?” Lest I fall in love with you. 
“Only until you mean it,” he teased, perfect lips pulling up into a wide grin. The honest truth was that he was my celebrity crush before I got this job, and he has since stayed said crush since getting it because the man was downright delightful. How was I going to hide my crush now that we’d starting dry humping for work? 
“What makes you think I don’t mean it now?” 
“How flushed you are,” he said softly, drawing a line with his finger along my cheekbone. I hated the way my heart stuttered in my chest. There was no sign of teasing in his tone, his face was utterly serious as he leaned closer to me with his coiling around a strand of loosely-curled hair. “When are you going to let me take you out for a date?” 
“I - You just brought me coffee,” I said dumbly, blinking up at him like he was the confused one. 
“I can assure you, Feyre darling, when I take you on a date it will be far more than me just bringing you coffee.” He stood then, hands slipping into the pockets of the sweats he was wearing until it was time to film our first sex scene. I myself was wearing nothing but a silky robe with lingerie beneath. “Think on it.” 
“I’m going to start a rumor that you’re one of those sleazy co-stars that wouldn’t stop hitting on me,” I threatened, but it’s empty and he knows it because his laughter fills my ears and makes my heart thrum. Rhysand was unfortunately one of the nicest and most repulsively respectful men I’d ever met which only made my crush on him even worse.
With a wink a genuine smile, he walked away, disappearing into the mess of crew like a shadow passing between worlds. 
@acotarauweek​​ @starseternalnighttriumphant​​ @amren-rhyssecond​​ @iamthebonecarver​​ @charincharge​​​ @booksstorm​​​ @shyvioletcat​​​  @ttakeitbacknoww​​ @tangledraysofsunshine​ 
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homespork-review · 3 years
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HOMESPORK ACT 5 ACT 1: Mobius Double Plusungood, Part 3
TW: """funny""" sexual and physical assault of a child by another child, extreme bullying, extreme ableism, a very brief discussion of shipping characters outside their canon sexuality.
CHEL: We get some implications of the part of troll culture we ended on last time when a slightly baffled-looking Nepeta, watching through the viewport, updates her SHIPPING WALL. Instead of hearts, some of the hypothetical pairings she’s painted are marked with diamonds. What this means will be explained shortly.
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I can’t help but feel it’s slightly creepy to hypothetically matchmake your own friends, but I’m pretty sure the other trolls know at least that the shipping wall exists if not exactly which ships they’re in, and they do live in a society in which it’s stated later that mating is mandatory, so it would indeed be helpful to have at least emergency-doable matchmaking done well in advance and they might appreciate the help.
I’d like to take a moment to note a ship at the bottom row, left of centre; GA/Tavros. Hussie, on his Formspring, later said that GA was “obviously” a lesbian, or anyway was only interested in women, which doesn’t have a specific term for it in troll culture. It’s actually hard to tell going by what’s shown in canon, because she only displays specific interest in girls except for in a complicated case we’ll discuss later, but trolls are supposed to be bi-normative, plus it’s not like the male selection here is particularly inspiring, so, yeah, the evidence we actually see isn't conclusively "obvious". The fandom, knowing this, systematically harass anyone who even muses vaguely about the possibility of shipping her with a boy, even if they don't know about that Word of God. This is why I’m wondering whether the trolls knew about the shipping wall, because if they did, we can presume GA didn’t care. For the record, I’m sex-repulsed ace and have in fact written about.my own imaginary persona fucking (admittedly fucking an opposite sex clone of herself, it was a complicated injoke) and my reaction to someone else writing it would depend on context and reason, so I can imagine her reacting similarly, but not everyone would. A similar thing with a canonically gay male character explicitly on-screen not caring about hypothetical shipping of himself with girls comes up much later; he’s not a troll, but his upbringing was troll-influenced (long story).
BRIGHT: Harassing people over the ships they make content for always baffles me. It’s not like fanart/fanfic for a ship which contradicts canon has any effect on the canon, and playing around with character dynamics (often in a pornographic manner) is a major part of fanfic.
CHEL: On top of all this, gender and sexuality are really shaky concepts to even try to apply to a species which reproduces hermaphroditically. On this side of the fourth wall it’s obviously because Hussie is a not-very-reflective cisgender heterosexual man, and didn’t think about it any further than “girls wear skirts, right?” Plenty of people fanwank up possibilities for how it could happen on the other side. I think we may have to make a “What The Fuck Is Alternian Biology And Sociology” post or two separate from the sporking at the very end.
Discourse discussion over! Next page, we see some of the relevant terminology used in troll culture, though we still don’t get any explanation of what any of the words actually mean, which is a tad annoying for new readers. The context is a discussion between Karkat and Vriska about getting her into the game.
BRIGHT: Specifically, Karkat wants Vriska to get Tavros into the game, leading to this exchange…
CG: WHY DO YOU EVEN HATE HIM, IT'S FUCKING RIDICULOUS. CG: IF ANYTHING YOU SHOULD PITY HIM. CG: ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU WERE THE ONE WHO PARALYZED HIM. AG: I know. I don't really understand it. AG: It's just a really special kind of h8! It never goes away and it doesn't make a lot of sense. CG: THIS IS KIND OF A WEIRD TIME TO BE CONFIDING IN ME ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS OF BLACK ROMANCE BUT OK. AG: Oh god, what? CG: I MEAN IF YOU'RE REALLY IMPLYING TAVROS IS YOUR KISMESIS I THINK YOU'RE BRAYING UP THE WRONG FROND NUB. CG: BOTH PARTIES HAVE TO HATE EACH OTHER EQUALLY, I MEAN LIKE TRUE HATE. CG: MAYBE YOUR FEELINGS COME SOMEWHAT CLOSE TO FITTING THE BILL BUT I DON'T THINK HE CAN HATE ANYONE, IT'S WEIRD, HE'S KIND OF BROKEN IN THE HEAD.
Finally, our long-awaited introduction to troll romance!
And the introduction is an effective one. We now know that there’s something called ‘black romance’, that it concerns hate, and that one’s black-romantic partner is a ‘kismesis’. The conversation also flows naturally and fits the characters having it, rather than being an awkward as-you-know infodump, although brace yourselves, there’s one of those coming up. Thirteen is about right for kids starting to have romantic feelings and being confused about it, not wanting to talk about it is pretty normal, and Karkat lecturing people at a good opportunity is absolutely in character.
Karkat goes on to lecture Vriska about the emotions involved in different sorts of romantic relationships, and wow, it really says a lot about troll culture…
CG: OK, MOST PEOPLE WHO HAVEN'T HAD THEIR LOBE STEM CAUTERIZED ARE CAPABLE OF FEELING THE TWO PRIMARY EMOTIONS, HATE AND PITY. CG: PITY IS OF COURSE JUST THE TONED DOWN VERSION OF THE CENTRAL EMOTION, HATE. CG: AND ALL THE NUANCES OF PITY MANIFEST AS VARIOUS OTHER KINDS OF FEELINGS LIKE WHATEVER CHEMICAL REACTIONS TRIGGER MATING FONDNESS OR THE MYSTERIOUS FORCES THAT ARE BEHIND MOIRALLEGIANCE.
CHEL: It’s never really clear if this is just Karkat’s idea of it or if this is how trolls actually work biologically. Trolls do use the word “love” later on, so I always interpreted it as “pity” being a euphemistic term because “love” in such a warlike and oppressive culture could be exploited as a weakness. Fandom has played it with their love actually being based on a weird form of sympathy/seeing the other as needing protection, which is also plausible.
FAILURE ARTIST: I have played with the pity thing before but in retrospect Karkat is the only one who seems to see it that way. Maybe this is all his fake deep teenager view of romance.
BRIGHT: Vriska makes a performance of how bored she is, but Karkat’s on a roll.
CG: A WELL BALANCED PERSON IS IS GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DISTRIBUTION BETWEEN HATE AND THE VARIOUS PITY HUMORS. CG: HAVING A GOOD BALANCE KEEPS ALL THE EMOTIONS SHARPER, SEE I THINK THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM. AG: Oh???????? AG: I hope you know I already wore out some good note-taking pens today. All the pens. AG: All of them. CG: SEE, MY HATE IS LIKE A FINELY TUNED INSTRUMENT BECAUSE I'M AWARE OF THESE PRINCIPLES. CG: I COULD HATE A HOLE IN PARADOX SPACE ITSELF, STRAIGHT THROUGH TO A NEW REALITY FRESH FOR THE HATING. AG: Hahahahahahahaha, you don't even know how much I'm laughing at this. CG: BUT SEE, YOU'RE TOO HEAVY ON THE HATE SIDE, OR AT LEAST YOU PRETEND TO BE WHICH IS MAYBE WORSE. AG: You aren't reading anything I say are you? You just want to talk and talk and talk. CG: AND YOU THINK YOU'RE HATING UP EVERYONE HARD WHEN YOU'RE REALLY JUST BURNING OUT THAT ENTIRE EMOTIONAL HEMISPHERE. CG: IT'S LIKE LUKEWARM HATE. PRETENDER'S HATE, WITH NO COUNTERPOINT AT ALL. CG: AS SUCH THERE'S NO REAL SUBSTANCE TO YOUR HATE, IT'S LIKE A CARDBOARD MOVIE PROP. CG: WHICH IS WHY YOUR BRAIN IS BROKEN, KIND OF LIKE TAVROS'S BUT ON THE OPPOSITE HEMISPHERE I GUESS. CG: OR MAYBE YOUR BROKEN BRAIN LED TO THE IMBALANCE IN THE FIRST PLACE, I DON'T KNOW. CG: WHATEVER THE CASE IS, YOU'RE KIND OF EMOTIONALLY SCREWED, SORRY TO SAY. CG: YOUR HATE'S TOO DULL FOR A PROPER KISMESIS, IN MY OPINION. CG: AND I DON'T SEE ANYONE CHOMPING AT THE BIT TO BE YOUR MOIRAIL HONESTLY, UNLESS THERE'S SOMEONE OUT THERE WHO WOULD ACTUALLY BOTHER PITYING YOU. CG: AND LANDING A MATESPRIT? HAHAHAHA! CG: SERIOUSLY, LIKE THAT WOULD EVEN INTEREST YOU. CG: BASICALLY ANY FEATURE OF YOUR EMOTIONAL PROFILE THAT USUALLY MAKES SOMEONE VIABLE IN THE REDROM DEPARTMENT MUST BE TOTALLY FRIED. CG: YOUR BLACKROM POTENTIAL'S PROBABLY TOAST TOO.
Whew.
So now we have ‘kismesis’, ‘moirail’, and ‘matesprit’ as terms for romantic partners, as well as the concepts of black romance, red romance, and ‘moirallegiance’ as the relationship one has with a moirail. Troll romance is not going to get any less confusing for a while.
If Karkat’s grasp of psychology strikes you as amateurish, there’s a reason for that: He gets all his knowledge from romance movies.
AG: Hey asshole, stop watching movies for girls.
I think that’s another strike against the ‘girls are the dangerous ones on Alternia’ argument. Romance movies, per this exchange, are both female-coded and seen as inferior -- Karkat defends his viewing choices by saying they’re INTRIGUING SOCIOLOGICALLY, but Vriska isn’t buying it.
CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 42 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 33
CHEL: I’m not sure an interest in the workings of romance should be a socially gendered thing in a society where, as it turns out, you have to have an acceptable romantic partner by a certain time or die. You’d think most kids would be trying as hard as they could to learn and put into practice everything they could about it, and you’d also think there’d be better information for them than romcoms.
BRIGHT: Has the mate-or-die part come up yet? I’m not sure when Hussie thought of it.
CHEL: I don’t know if he’d thought of it yet, but it does come up very soon.
BRIGHT: Karkat then moves on to the original reason he contacted Vriska -- he needs her and her mind powers in the game, because he’s just run into a double agent called Jack.
Over on the next panel, Karkat is still talking to Vriska, but he’s glancing back over his shoulder at Jack Noir. His hand is covered in blood, which keeps cycling through a range of colours. The blood, it transpires, is because Jack stabbed him. Karkat is amazingly calm about this.
CG: HE'S COOL, IT'S FINE I DON'T REALLY MIND THE STABBING, IT WAS ALL A MISUNDERSTANDING. CG: WELL OK I'M PRETTY SURE HE MEANT TO STAB ME. CG: BUT I KIND OF THINK THAT'S LIKE CG: THE WAY HE GREETS PEOPLE? AG: This game is so stupid. CG: IN ANY CASE I THINK HE'S PROBABLY ALL STABBED OUT.
This would be ridiculously chill even from someone who isn’t extremely cagey about his blood colour -- and it’s not that Karkat suddenly doesn’t care any more, because as soon as Vriska says she’ll ask Terezi or Jack what colour he’s bleeding, he tells her that he’s out of Terezi’s range, Jack is sworn to secrecy, and Sollux (who’s incommunicado) is the only one who knows how to make Trollian’s viewport feature work. (Given we saw how easy it is to use earlier, I’m surprised Vriska doesn’t try to figure it out herself.)
Over on the next panel, the viewer is now Jack, a few minutes prior to this conversation. Contrary to Karkat’s protestations, Jack stabs him because He's got a pretty sharp tongue and can't seem to keep it sheathed. He is curious when Karkat cares less about the wound and more about Jack seeing his blood colour, which is apparently some freakish mutation. Jack looks at his knife…
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CHEL: While it’s not a realistic depiction of the colour, recall that this is the shade of red used in-comic to depict human blood. This reveal probably isn’t a surprise to anyone by now, if you’ve encountered fanart, and honestly it wasn’t a huge mindblowing revelation on my first read before I knew, but I do think it’s a clever little “aha, THAT’S why!” moment. Skilfully done.
It seems he's the only one of his kind with this mutant candy-red blood. An outcast. He thinks he was put on this planet covered in an ocean of his own blood to be taunted. Punished for something. Saddest story you ever heard. Got to do something to shut him up.
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BRIGHT: Awww. That’s kind of sweet.
This little interchange gave rise to the ‘Stabdads’ fandom phenomenon, where Spades Slick is envisaged as Karkat’s father-figure. In Homestuck canon, it’s dubious how much affection Slick has for Karkat. He seems more irritated by him than anything else, but that’s about on par for how he treats the rest of the Midnight Crew. On the other hand, it clearly makes a massive impact on Karkat. We’ve seen how important blood colour is on Alternia and how insecure he is about his own; his sudden rush of fellow-feeling towards Jack is understandable, even if it does make him way too forgiving about having been stabbed.
CHEL: Karkat and Jack shake hands, and proceed to be in cahoots. Cahoooooooots. Doodling on the defaced parking ticket from earlier, they draft OPERATION REGISURP.
Your whole team executes the plan along the course of its journey, employing espionage, mind control tactics, political sabotage, vicious interrogations and cold blooded assassinations. Everyone does their part and you begin to learn the true meaning of teamwork, as well as this troll disease called friendship.
Yeah, it actually happening is skipped over with one paragraph, but that’s probably a good thing with all the complexity already going on, and we do hear more details about it. First, we’re reminded of the existence and functions of the Queens’ Rings, the magic rings the queens of Derse and Prospit have which give them traits and powers from whatever the players put in their sprites. The trolls have put their lusii in their sprites, except for Aradia, whose lusus died long ago, so she got in the sprite herself. The Queen could put up with getting bits and pieces from eleven hideous monsters (well, ten hideous monsters and one adowable little fairybull thing oh my gosh it’s cuuuute) tacked onto her, but what she absolutely won’t stand for is the other thing Aradia put in her sprite…
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She could not stand bearing the visage of the most loathsome creature known to existence. So vile is its appearance, so contemptible its purpose, all depictions of the creature let alone members of its population are permanently banned from any jurisdiction in the reach of her agents. Those of its kind go by many names, and so does the reviled patron god they herald - THE GREAT DETESTATION, KING PONDSQUATTER, SPEAKER OF THE VAST JOKE, or most commonly, BILIOUS SLICK.
Recall that AR thought of the hieroglyphs in the Frog Temple as “illegal pictography”. We’ll find out later why the Black Queen has such a revulsion for frogs, it’s important. But the important part right now is that she took the ring off. At the time of planning it’s in the ROYAL VAULT.
We briefly see a moment in the future of the Black Queen wrapped in rags, just like the human sessions’ White Queen, wandering the desert as the BANISHED QUASIROYAL, and the caption notes the plan was a success.
However, Doc Scratch appears in the desert in front of her, and it’s noted she was given a new purpose. This, it seems, is the origin of Snowman.
FAILURE ARTIST: I would like if there was some canon Homestuck material expanding on this REGISURP plot.
BRIGHT: Same! It sounds really interesting. One example of Homestuck’s idiosyncratic pacing, I suppose -- we spend pages and pages on trivial alchimeter nonsense, but skip over something more meaty.
CHEL: The Red Team work on that, while the Blue Team battle their own session… or so they think. Yeah, I’m sure you’ve all already figured it out, but the trolls hadn’t just yet. They note that their prototypes are affecting the opposite team’s underlings, and the readers are shown Alternia’s two Frog Temples, one near Aradia’s home and the other near Kanaya’s, each with six pillars outside (one seems to have five, but the sixth is hidden behind the building). Superimposed on each other, the pillars make a full ring of twelve.
The truth was it had always been the same session all along. That your teams were not competing, but cooperating toward a common goal. In the more drawn out form of this adventure's narrative, figuring this out would have been a huge deal. We would have been completely blown away by this stunning revelation. Wow. Same session all along. Really? Huh.
This is what Aradia’s been so mysterious about. She knew. We’re provided with a handy diagram, in case we haven’t been able to keep up.
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After watching the phrases MOBIUS DOUBLE and REACH AROUND toggle for a few minutes while in a sort of stupor, you finally snap out of it.
(I just noticed, the Blue Team are the Derse dreamers and the Red Team are the Prospit dreamers. Neat!)
The reader’s attention is drawn instead to the Aquarius and Pisces symbols in the top left, belonging to characters we haven’t met yet, and the narration promises we’ll learn about them soon. Drawing attention again to GA’s Virgo symbol, the narration muses about her.
It will probably be quite some time before you get to be her. It could very well be pages and pages and pages.
Naturally, we jump right back to her.
GA’s intro is long, so we’ll take it piece by piece.
Your name is KANAYA MARYAM.
The Sanskrit name for Virgo is “Kanya”, and it’s also the name of a town in Japan. “Maryam” is the Arabic version of “Mary”, as in Jesus’ mother. It may also be a reference to Marya Zaleska, the title character of the movie “Dracula’s Daughter”.
You are one of the few of your kind who can withstand the BLISTERING ALTERNIAN SUN, and perhaps the only who enjoys the feel of its rays. As such, you are one of the few of your kind who has taken a shining to LANDSCAPING. You have cultivated a lush oasis around your hive, and in particular, you have honed your craft through the art of TOPIARY, sculpting your trees to match the PUFFY ORACLES from your dreams. You have embraced the tool of this trade, which conveniently is the weapon of choice for those who would hunt the HEINOUS BROODS OF THE UNDEAD which crawl from the sand at sunrise to feast on the light and the living.
Couple things established here; trolls are not only nocturnal but actively harmed by their planet’s sun, and undead beings other than ghosts exist. Said traditional weapon for hunting them is a chainsaw, which we can see lying against her bookshelf, a reference to the Evil Dead movies.
It would be convenient if you actually hunted them, but it is of course far too dangerous, every bit as suicidal as attempting to poach the terrible MUSCLEBEASTS who roam at night. So you indulge in your bright fascination with the grim through literature. Just before the sun goes down and you join your flora in rest, you immerse yourself in tales of RAINBOW DRINKERS and SHADOW DROPPERS and FORBIDDEN PASSION.
Rainbow drinkers are, as discussed later on, troll vampires. I don’t think shadow droppers are ever expanded on, but they might be zombies or werebeasts. Troll goths, apparently, are the reverse of human goths, dressing in bright colours and staying up in the daytime, which makes sense for a species who can only safely go out at night.
You are one of the few of your kind with JADE GREEN BLOOD. As such you are one of the few who could be selected and raised by a VIRGIN MOTHER GRUB, an event so rare as to elude documented precedent. She would defend you from desert threats, and though her life would be short, in time you would assure her of progeny.
Recall that the Mother Grub is required for troll reproduction.
You are a SEAMSTRESS or a RAGRIPPER or a TREETRIMMER or a LUMBERJACK, whichever you care to be, and your unique hive is equipped with a great supply of advanced technology to accommodate your interests. The technology and indeed the hive itself were all recovered from the ruins nearby when you were very young. The seed of your hive was deployed on the volcanic rocks beneath the sand with the assistance of your lusus and her remarkable burrowing skills, and you have lived there happily together since. You know the ruins and the hive and everything here that is not sand and rock originated from the world of your dreams. You also know that one day you will visit this world while you are awake. That day is today.
Like Jade, Kanaya has been awake on Prospit for years, and the technology in question is Skaian in origin, so that’s how she knows what’s going on with the game.
Kanaya is prompted to equip her chainsaw, which promptly turns into a lipstick in a Problem Sleuth reference. Like Jade, she has a Wardrobifier, set to randomise, which suddenly turns her black shirt and red skirt into a red leaf-print dress. She takes out the lipstick.
You can choose between your trademark jade or black. Even though a troll's lips are naturally black. But they can always be blacker, and a lady with a true sense of style knows this.
She goes with green, her dress turns into a blue kimono, and she’s messaged by someone with a fuschia Pisces symbol. This person, named cuttlefishCuller, turns out to be rather excitable, greeting her in all caps and following it up with Glub glub glub glub glub!
BRIGHT: This conversation is pretty sweet, with some friendly joking about CC’s quirk (they stick hyphens in front of their capital Es) and mention of their Collapsing And Expanding Bladder Based Aquatic Vascular System. There’s another mention of moirails, with CC saying they’ll have to join the game late to keep an eye on theirs.
It also turns out both CC and Kanaya are having some premonitions of what’s to come! Kanaya is seeing visions in the clouds of Skaia, the same way Jade does, but CC hears whispers from a mysterious ‘she’ who needs her voice keeping down. It’s implied to be CC’s lusus, as both Kanaya and CC are aware their lusii are going to die soon.
Kanaya hopes to be with her lusus as she dies, but looks out of the window to find the Virgin Mother Grub has already passed away, apparently of natural causes.
CHEL: The Mother Grub was seen briefly before; it’s a moth-like creature with a huge fat body the size of a bus, with wings too small to ever lift it, horns the same shape as Kanaya’s, and a skull-like head with big lips. The skull on Terezi’s Doomsday Scale was, we can tell now, a Mother Grub, except quite a lot bigger - presumably a breeding Grub.
BRIGHT: Kanaya changes back into her original outfit, and goes down to live up to her end of the bargain… which entails slicing a hole in her lusus with her chainsaw and pulling out a round object covered in spikes the colour of trolls’ horns, called a Matriorb. Kanaya stores it in her sylladex; she’s using a CHASTITY MODUS, which locks each card away, and the key will serendipitously be discovered when it’s time for the card to be unlocked. These modii are getting more and more esoteric.
Kanaya proceeds to have a conversation with her own moirail, Vriska, which we already read earlier.
You then proceed to have the rest of this conversation we already read, bugging and fussing and meddling through the special and magical union one can only describe as being in moirallegiance with another. At least, you guess that's how you would describe it. Maybe. Troll romance sure is confusing!
Yes, yes it is. (Spoiler: It’s not that confusing once it’s explained.)
Kanaya doesn’t have long to dwell on the conversation, as she’s contacted by caligulasAquarium, someone with a violet Aquarius symbol who she doesn’t seem to think highly of. It rapidly becomes apparent why.
CA: kan make her talk to me do somethin GA: Who CA: your no good connivvin fuckin backstabbin girl crush thats wwho
CHEL: Trolls are supposed to come bi/pan as standard, so why does he need to specify “girl crush”? I wonder if Hussie hadn’t decided that yet when he wrote this part, but I’m not sure.
WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 34
CA’s gender hasn’t been revealed, but let’s not kid ourselves, we know from how he’s talking that he’s a dude. Nice Girls certainly exist but they don’t tend to get portrayed as so whiny in fiction, plus CC comes off as very girly, and that leaves us with six boy and six girl trolls. Balance and opposites and counterparts are a running theme throughout Homestuck. Not that there can’t be nonbinary characters, as some show up in Hiveswap; just that there would most likely have to be an even number of them, split evenly between the groups of players. Fine by me as a nonbinary person with a thing for balance and even numbers of my own.
Also, note that we’ve seen this guy, or at least his hand and foot, before. This is the litter-hater in the bowling shoes.
GA: Overstating Our Relationship Wont Make Me Feel Very Cooperative GA: Its Paler Red Than That Ok CA: pshhhhhh that is a fuckin laugh and you knoww it evveryone does CA: so help me out tell her to talk to me i think she blocked me you got to GA: Why Do I Got To GA: I Dont Got To And Every Time You Take My Help For Granted I Feel Like I Got To A Little Less CA: wwhatEVVER you are so the vvillage twwo wwheel devvice wwhen it comes to auspisticing CA: you cant let a grudge go by you wwont stick your busy stem betwwixt so get wwith the program fussyfangs
BRIGHT: Oh hey, another troll romance term! ‘Auspisticing’ is the last of the lot, don’t worry.
CA: wwho givves a shit wwhy she blocked me or about my fuckin manners come on youvve got a wway wwith her CA: i figure if youre going to auspisticize any twwo brinesuckers wwho sneer at each other a funny wway you might as wwell make it official and be ours right GA: Your Black Solicitation Just Seems Really Indecent
Funny words aside, Hussie does a good job at laying down context for what auspisticism is here; we now know that it involves mediating between two parties who dislike each other and that it’s a form of black romance. Meshing worldbuilding naturally into the dialogue is something Homestuck does really well at times.
Anyway, CA is trying to get in contact with Vriska because he asked her to make something for him and now she’s blowing him off.
GA: What Is It CA: kan stupid wwhat do you think its a fuckin gizmo to bloww up the wworld or somethin CA: ok wwell not that obvviously CA: but somethin thatll kill all land dwwellers wwhat else wwould i be after GA: Can You Just For A Moment Entertain The Thoughts Of One Untouched By Megalomaniacal Derangement And Tell Me Why Id Want To Assist You With That CA: wwell CA: im not goin to vvery wwell kill you am i that wwould be fuckin unconscionable CA: wwhat kind of friend wwould i be
While CA is obviously a douche, there’s something funny about how over-the-top he is about it and how utterly oblivious he is to the idea that Kanaya might have a problem with a device that would kill all landdwellers, although the humour is inversely proportionate to how likely he is to pull it off.
CHEL: Maybe I’m strange, but I think he’s adorable. I get the impression of a small kid trying to puff himself up to adult size.
BRIGHT: There’s also more romance talk, and this next bit is one I find interesting:
CA: you could either play along as our auspistice and do a little mediating like you wwere fuckin hatched to CA: or wwatch she and me devvolvve into fuckin full fledged kismesisses the kind like you dont get once in ten thousand swweeps CA: you knoww thats wwhat it wwould be there wwould be rainboww rivvers runnin through star systems and all nebulizin like liquid firewworks CA: it wwill be beautiful and heartbreaking all at once CA: you should read up on your history instead of poring through that godawwfull sunny rubbish
I’m going to take a step back from Homestuck itself for a moment and talk about kismessitude as it’s portrayed in fandom. People tend to envision it in a variety of ways -- some see it as a BDSM relationship, some as a way of pushing a rival to be better, some as just straight-up hate-sex -- but most depictions show it as something that only affects the two people involved.
Here, though? CA’s talking about kismessitude as something that’s potentially really damn dangerous, to other people besides those involved, and cites history as a backup -- implying it can really be that dangerous, and it’s not just a teenager’s flight of fancy. (Although, that said, CA is clearly using this to try and get Kanaya in a relationship with him, so how sincere he is is questionable.)
CHEL: Later on we do see a little bit of one of the historical cases he might have been citing. We’ll discuss it more then. Also, I do like him saying “sunny” instead of “gloomy”. Makes sense!
Kanaya tells CA none of this matters, and he sneers about the “purity of the bloodline”. That’s an… uncomfortable turn of phrase, especially since he’s speaking to someone not covered by the “purity” standard, but since it applies to aliens and it’s in a society where that’s hammered into its inhabitants it’s not a Problematykks issue. Kanaya tells him it still won’t matter because their race will be wiped out entirely, and his reaction is remarkably understated:
CA: huh CA: wwell ok HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 11
CA says he knows Kanaya doesn’t lie except to herself, surprisingly perceptive for one so puffed-up otherwise. CA might be smarter than he’s letting on? He asks if her clouds told her that; that was the reader’s assumption too, but she says no, she has a different source. Uh-oh. We know what the last source of information was, and it cost Vriska an arm and an eye-sevenfold. CA’s own clouds “hide nothin but misfortune and monstrosities”, so we can guess she’s Prospit and he’s Derse. He goes back to nagging her to tell Vriska to talk to him, and when she continues to refuse he poutily steps off.
CA: you dont wwant to be our auspistice cause you dont wwant to get locked into that sort of relation wwith her i can respect that
Kanaya denies this, and CA says everyone knows, including Karkat.
GA: Its Unbelievable GA: Her Patience CA: wwhat CA: wwhoa wwait wwho GA: Never Mind CA: ok wwait did she talk to you today CA: wwhat did she say CA: or glub or wwhatevver
They’re talking about CC, if it wasn’t clear. Kanaya, in a callback to John’s comment to Terezi, facetiously tells him that she talked about Longing To Touch You Indiscretely and That Shes Basically In The Scarlet Throes For You. CA, flustered, picks up that she’s teasing him, and she tells him the truth, that CC’s just concerned as a moirail.
CA: if youre not savvvvy about howw you define yourself to people CA: you can just splash into the moirail zone before you knoww wwhich wways upwward
I’m going to comment on this attitude in a bit more detail when we get a clearer explanation of what moirallegiance actually is. CA leaves her with some arc words.
CA: being a kid and growwing up CA: its hard and nobody understands
Kanaya heads back to her room, planning to emphatically not meddle but help her friends, and consults her source; it’s fortunately not a Doc Scratch-related one at all. It is, in fact, Rose’s long-forgotten GameFAQ, saved on a server floating in the Furthest Ring, to which Prospit’s clouds directed her. I have to show you the panel for a moment though…
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I’m sure there was a way we could see the screen without having it facing away from Kanaya who’s supposed to be reading it.
You can only assume this took place a long time ago. This race is likely ancient, preceding yours by millions of sweeps. Maybe billions! You like to try to imagine the adventures of these players. Were they successful in repopulating their race? Did they manage to protect their matriorb and hatch a new mother grub? Could they hold it together, or were they torn apart by the complex social dynamics, the matespritships and moirallegiences and auspisticisms and kismesissitudes that will surely plague your group along the way? You have little doubt they succeeded with flying colors.
Oh dear, dramatic irony. Kanaya fantasises about a troll version of Rose, thinking she must have been the leader of this supposedly long-ago group.
And yet they appear to have been the only of their kind to have risen to the challenge in a session stacked heavily against them.
Huh. So is this just because Kanaya can’t find more information, or are the four kids in fact the only humans who successfully got into the game? Picking four specifically white-coded kids to be the last of the human race due to supposedly their own competence is… not a good choice. And why the hell couldn’t other people succeed? This strikes me as more of the whole theme of “nobody matters except the people we’re focusing on”. A good lampshading of video game tropes, but in a literary story, that’s the opposite message to everything I’ve ever read, and it’s a creepy one.
CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 43 HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 12 WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 35
BRIGHT: I thiiiiiiiink it’s at least implied later on that there are other sessions going, it’s just that each session is a closed loop of players so we don’t see the others...although if that’s the case, does that mean Earth’s getting hit with meteors from multiple Skaias?
CHEL: That over with for the moment, we cut to Tavros’ house as you take your place as the PAGE OF BREATH in the LAND OF SAND AND ZEPHYR. Vriska, his server player, gets down to the business of building up his house towards the Gate…
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… entirely out of staircases.
AT: i THINK THIS, iS, AT: pROBABLY MEANT TO ANTAGONIZE ME,
Okay, this probably makes me a bad person, but I’m crying with laughter at his expression and that line.
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It’s more disability slapstick, but here the point of the joke comes off as being more that Vriska is a jerk and Tavros’ reaction is really understated than any reasonable person being supposed to assume Tavros is wrong for not being able to climb stairs. Emphasis on “comes off as”, unfortunately. I’m still gonna give a Problematykks point, and further experience with Hussie’s attitude to disability has soured the joke somewhat, even in just the next couple of pages.
CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 44
BRIGHT: Vriska tries to get Tavros to crawl up the stairs, first by telling him that he promised not to be boring anymore and then by saying that she’s trying to help him get stronger. She caps off the rant by demanding that he apologise.
AT: oKAY, AT: tHANKS, i GUESS, AT: bUT, AT: sORRY FOR WHAT, AG: For 8eing crippled, you ass! AT: yOU WANT ME TO APOLOGIZE, AT: fOR BEING PARALYZED, AG: Yes. AG: Say you're sorry. AT: i DON'T MEAN TO BE RUDE, oR bORING, AT: bUT THAT'S RIDICULOUS, gIVEN, AT: uH, tHE CIRCUMSTANCES, AG: 8ullshit! AG: It's something called 8asic decency and civility you fudge8looded 8oor. AG: Now get down on your useless wo88ly knees and apologize. AT: nO, i DON'T WANT TO, AG: >::::O
Vriska, what the fuck.
Tavros is really great here. He’s obviously not comfortable fighting with Vriska, and repeatedly tries to redirect her into building him ramps instead of engaging. But, at the same time, he holds his ground and doesn’t let her push him around, and won’t let go of solid hard reality in the face of Vriska trying to emotionally manipulate him.
FAILURE ARTIST: And yet people still call him a wimp.
BRIGHT: Vriska retaliates, because of course she does, by grabbing his wheelchair with her cursor and shaking it about. If Hussie left it at that, everything would be unobjectionable, at least in terms of narrative voice. Instead, well…
Now she's done it. She has awoken the mighty inner fury that is... RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUFIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
CHEL: It just occurred to me to mention that the name Rufio comes from a character in the movie Hook, the leader of the Lost Boys after Peter Pan left, played by Dante Basco. Tavros’ mental image of him is a reference to that character.
FAILURE ARTIST: Dante Basco did read Homestuck, with hilarious results as we will see.
But unfortunately, Rufio is not real. He's imaginary. A fake. Like a made up friend, the way fairies are. You continue to be sad and alone.
BRIGHT: Eurgh.
Let me be clear: Tavros having no further recourse to deal with Vriska’s abuse beyond his visualised self-esteem is a problem for the character, but it’s not necessarily a narrative problem per se. Escapism is a thing. You could get a decent character arc out of Tavros learning better ways to deal with harassment he can’t escape. It is a narrative problem when the narrator mocks it and makes him out to be pathetic for even trying it.
CHEL: I’d consider this to be just Tavros’ own thought process, but, sadly, this kind of narrative sneering at him carries on throughout Tavros’ presence in the comic and the fandom seems to buy into it. Tavros gets a lot of hate for reasons which mostly boil down to him being a male abuse victim; there’s a feeling that he should “try harder” to fight back, despite him being physically disabled and a member of a caste out of sight beneath her on the social ladder and legally permitted to be killed by her on a whim. Might that count as a point for WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM, for Huss and the fandom not taking the social dynamics into account for why Tavros can’t defend himself?
BRIGHT: I don’t know if it’s fair to count against the fandom when we’re reviewing Homestuck proper, but we can definitely count against Hussie!
WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 36
CHEL: It’s also notable that the common fandom interpretation of Tavros is as Hispanic-coded, at least partly due to his Spanish username, and of Vriska as white-coded. That’s probably not helping.
Since Hussie appears to expect us to agree with Vriska that this is funny, I’m adding another to these as well.
ALL THE LUCK: 2 CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 45 IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 3
BRIGHT: What’s weird about this whole mess is that Hussie doesn’t — yet — try to say that Tavros should be trying to get stronger; his disability is fully acknowledged. I feel like this kind of mockery is usually accompanied by the attitude that disabled people should just get over their disability, but Hussie’s clear that Tavros can’t. Which means he should do...what, exactly?
CHEL: Not have let Vriska disable him in the first place, presumably. Never mind that, you know, she has mind control powers so he didn’t really have a choice in that either. That is, however, an argument Vriska fans actually make. Apparently some of them actually blame him for not flying when she threw him off the cliff, which… well, unpowered flight is a thing that can happen in the comic but he certainly couldn’t do it then.
BRIGHT: ...Apparently I retain the capacity for surprise at how awful people can be. The fuck?
Back in the comic, Tavros fortunately does have one other means of recourse. Back in her hive, Vriska is suddenly prodded in the back with a flying toilet, courtesy of Kanaya.
GA: Just Presenting A Floating Reminder That Tavros Will Need Plenty Of Inclined Surfaces For His Ascent AG: That's silly. I made so many ramps, you wouldn't even 8elieve it. AG: I specifically decided I wanted to 8uild something ugly and 8oring. It is now the land of ramps and yawns. GA: Hes Reported Otherwise AG: That lousy snitch! May8e I should take his computer away so he can't go crying to fussyfangs anymore. GA: Maybe I Should Upend This Load Gaper Over Your Head AG: No, don't! GA: Im Still Learning The Interface GA: It Could Happen Accidentally At Any Moment AG: I'm only trying to help him. ::::( GA: Think Of Another Way To Help
CHEL: Did I mention Kanaya is my zodiac troll? I can only long to reach her heights of awesome. Of course the ability to levitate toilets would kinda help.
BRIGHT: Vriska heads down to her treasure vault and retrieves a pair of ROCKET SHOES. The captchalogue code for these is ‘PSHOOOES’, which amuses me greatly. Vriska sends the code to Tavros, who combines it with the code for his wheelchair to create a flying wheelchair. Now that is a good use of alchemising!
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CHEL: Awww!
Tavros flies up to the Gate, and we cut back to him later on, leading an entourage of communed-with imps and ogres to move obstacles and help him solve puzzles. Using his skills well, I see! In another set of ruins the imps load jigsaw pieces of rock into a frog-shaped alcove,
Things, however, don’t continue to go so well, because Hussie hates this poor kid. I do not mean that facetiously. Statements he’s made elsewhere imply he has a hell of a lot of contempt for several of the characters he created, which I don’t understand at all. We’ll go into this after Act 7, but I get the sensation that the characters are merely tools to show off the complexity and meta references, which are the parts he really cares about.
BRIGHT: It’s not unknown for authors to dislike characters they wrote; the great Terry Pratchett reputedly hated his character Rincewind. The key difference is that in Pratchett’s case, the audience couldn’t tell. Hussie, on the other hand, tends to make his disdain pretty obvious, to the detriment of the story.
CHEL: That’s a point. Conan Doyle grew to hate Sherlock Holmes, too. He didn’t, however, set up situations solely to shit on Holmes in his books.
BRIGHT: I think that’s the key. I’ll forgive a multitude of failings as long as the author seems to be treating the characters fairly. That doesn’t mean that good things have to happen to them — plenty of bad things can happen and I’ll enjoy it — it just means that the author has to...respect how the character feels and would behave, I guess.
Of course, respect is Hussie’s antithesis, so.
Also, nothing so far has shown Vriska to be anything other than a (granted, entertaining) bully. I wasn’t around while Homestuck was updating, so I’m not sure when her fandom took off, but it has to be later than this, surely?
CHEL: I don’t know. I wasn’t around till about mid-Act 6.
What was I on about? Oh yes. Tavros is interrupted by Vriska again, who bitches him out for doing things the boring way and seeking the boring lore.
AG: The minds of your consorts are very soft and impressiona8le. AG: As easily manipul8ed as all those imps you've 8een 8ossing around. AG: I have picked apart their tiny little lizard 8rains and seen through all the smoke and mirrors of their riddles. AG: I have gotten to the truth they are guarding. The great 8ig mystery 8ehind this planet. And you know what it is, Tavros? AT: nO, AG: It's 8ullshit! AG: Meaningless, 8oring, fanciful 8ullshit wrapped in flowery poems to keep you guessing. AG: It all leads to one thing anyway, and that's what we should put our attention on. AG: Real gamers cut to the chase. They power through all the nonsense and go for the gold. AG: They cheat, Tavros. AG: It is time you learned to start cheating.
Interesting theory. Tavros thinks befriending his monsters instead of killing them is cheating, and Vriska grudgingly agrees but is annoyed he isn’t killing anything. She claims to have designed a better and more challenging quest for him; he asks after her own quest, and she says she has time because Kanaya’s busy.
AG: Which is just as well 8ecause I was starting to get nannied HARD. WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 37
Strange word choice for a species raised by animals, but okay. Vriska sends Tavros a map to the next Gate, and he sets off in his little rocket chair. Little does he know.
You proceed through what seems to be your second gate, into the LAND OF MAPS AND TREASURE. The THIEF OF LIGHT lies in wait.
In a callback to our last meeting of Breath and Light players, Tavros crashes through Vriska’s wall and is left hanging upside-down in the rocket chair from the large cobwebs across the room, while Vriska sleeps on a pile of broken eight-balls. Doesn’t look comfortable, but trolls rest in worse places later. Vriska wakes, and Tavros falls head-first onto the floor.
Here is where it gets incredibly uncomfortable, and we have to show it in detail to assign points properly and so that there’s no ambiguity about what’s happening, so if you have any sexual assault, ableism, underage, mind control, or victim-blaming triggers you may want to skip this part. No clothing is removed but it’s very unpleasant to read and the attitude toward it is worse. Seriously, this is Taklamakan Zoo levels of bad.
(This heading below’s not part of the comic, I just put it there so you can skip. The sequence ends with the piece of fanart of Kanaya looking at the sideways screen.)
~*THE ASSAULT STARTS HERE*~
Vriska sits up. She’s wearing a very short strappy white Tinkerbell dress with her sign on it, and what look like over-the-knee socks, a commonly fetishised style of clothing. I remind you these characters are supposed to be thirteen years old. The dress is also the same as the one worn by the fairy in the artwork on Tavros’ desktop background. I don’t know if Vriska had seen that or not.
FAILURE ARTIST:
To be fair she’s just in an actually-more-modest version of what Peter Pan’s sidekick/love interest wears and the socks come off as more dorky than sexy.
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Oh my! It appears Pupa Pan himself has flown through your window while you were asleep. How exciting! Surely he is here to take you away on the adventure of a lifetime. He is more dreamy and heroic than you ever imagined. But what's this?? It seems the legendary Boy-Skylark has misplaced his shadow. He is looking EVERYWHERE for it, to no avail. He is having a devil of a time, what with being paralyzed from the waist down and all. He clearly needs your help.
CHEL: Vriska is prompted to Help Pupa find shadow, and approaches Tavros with a nasty-looking grin on her face, while he lies on the floor, gritting his teeth in noticeable pain.
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Pupa! You truly are a silly goose. Your shadow has been trapped underneath your useless torso the whole time! Honestly, where else would it be you stupid sack of shit?
Charming. Vriska proceeds to kick him in the head, or at least nudge him with her foot, while he lies unresponsive.
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Of course, the secret to reuniting with your shadow is to get up and walk around. And play and dance and frolic! Your shadow will surely join in your gaiety. But it appears Pupa has lost the use of his legs. There will be no frolicking in this young man's future. ::::( Unless...
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Everyone knows that just a pinch of SPECIAL STARDUST along with a happy thought will allow any boy to get up and walk again. Everyone knows this because it is in the classic tale, PUPA PAN. Young Pupa flies through the window of a fairy girl's respiteblock, falls on the floor, and has trouble getting up like an enormous pansy. The fairy girl then helps him walk again, and in return, he teaches her to fly, even though she probably already knows how to fly. Because she's a fairy. They fly out of her window together, and have magical adventures for many sweeps thereafter. To be honest, you hardly know a damn thing about Pupa Pan. But you do not care.
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Pupa remains as pathetic and useless as ever.
FAILURE ARTIST: The story just keeps mocking Tavros for being disabled.
CHEL: Not to mention for being interested in fairies. Because how dare a boy have a gender-nonstandard interest, or a young teenager enjoy whimsical escapism from an increasingly horrible and guaranteed-to-be-short life.
WHITE SBURB POSTMODERNISM: 39
I might be projecting because the fandom has made me loathe her, but it honestly comes off like Vriska dressed up like this in the first place less to seduce Tavros and more to make sure she thoroughly ruined his favourite thing to hurt him further, especially if the narration is supposed to be things she’s actually saying to him.
The stardust did nothing! Probably because it is just glittery powder with no magical properties whatsoever and is basically bullshit. Because in case it wasn't clear, magic isn't real, and neither are miracles. OR It could just be that Pupa has failed to have a happy thought! Your duty is clear. You will have to MAKE him have happy thoughts. Vriska: Make Pupa have happy thoughts.
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He certainly doesn’t seem to be having happy thoughts now. Notice his expression, what we can see of it, looks terrified, he’s trembling, and let’s recall that he’s paralysed from the waist down. Even if he wasn’t, she’s of a far, far higher caste than him, legally permitted to do whatever she wants to him, including killing him if he tries to resist. It’s kind of gone back and forth on, but higher bloods are a few times stated to be a lot stronger than lower bloods, and if they work like humans, they’re in puberty right now, a time at which human girls tend to get taller and stronger sooner than boys. Again, it’s gone back and forth on, but a common interpretation is that female trolls are stronger than male trolls in general and/or have the social power advantage. Let’s also remember that, even if none of those factors apply, Vriska has mind control powers. There is no point here at which Tavros has the advantage, nothing he can use as leverage on her. She can do whatever the hell she wants, and she does.
BRIGHT: We’ve also been explicitly shown that Vriska has little to no respect for anyone else’s autonomy if she finds it inconvenient, and that Tavros is her favourite punching bag, and that his ability to stand up for himself when she gets going is extremely limited.
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CHEL: Despite the odds stacked against him, Tavros struggles against the kiss forced on him, and when Vriska pushes him back, doesn’t respond with anything but a look of horror, though she appears to expect him to, as a flickering heart-spade with a question mark over it appears between them. I’m not sure whether that’s supposed to be the thought process of him or her or both.
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Vriska hurls him onto the floor with some force...
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… and activates her mind control, causing little hearts to light up in Tavros’ eyes.
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BRIGHT: Vriska has used her mind-control powers on Tavros before, and when it happened she walked him off a cliff. There is basically no way that her doing it again isn’t going to be a traumatic experience for him, above and beyond the inherent horror of losing control over one’s body.
I’m inclined to think that forcibly altering his emotions is worse, though. Being paralysed was bad enough, but Tavros knows what happened and he knows how he feels about it. Making him fall in love with her is just…on one level, it’s a horrible assault on his autonomy as a person, and on another level, it’s tailor-made to make him doubt himself and believe the encounter was something he wanted.
FAILURE ARTIST: I hadn’t thought that he might now consider the encounter as consensual, which would explain his later reaction.
CHEL: Tavros paws at her legs, making kissy faces, and she looks vaguely concerned. Note the background still depicts wavy blue rays coming off her, showing her power is still active.
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Looking defeated, she drops the control and dumps him on the floor again.
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I’m not sure what she’s supposed to be thinking in this last panel. Is she feeling guilty? Is she disappointed that he didn’t like her under his own power? Has she just decided he’s too useless to be worth the effort? Any could be true.
BRIGHT: I read that as disappointment that even when he ‘liked’ her, he didn’t act the way she wanted. (And the way Tavros acted is kind of disturbing. ‘Mindlessly pawing at someone’ is not what I’d expect from him if he was legitimately attracted to someone.)
FAILURE ARTIST: The common interpretation these days was she was realizing she wasn’t into boys which okay that’s good for her but she should feel more bad about molesting him.
CHEL: That also makes no sense, because she shows interest in multiple boys later.
I’m also not entirely sure if Vriska had the intention of actually raping Tavros here (in the standard way, I mean, as one could argue that mind control is a form of rape), or just making out with him. The fact that she dressed up in vaguely fetishy clothing isn’t making it look good, though. Yes, she’s very young, but traumatised kids in particular have been known to lash out sexually like that. It’s a way of reasserting personal power, and I imagine it would be more prevalent in a society with no sapient adult supervision. While there are mitigating circumstances involved in their social situation and Vriska not really having ever had a chance to learn better, that doesn’t make this not a horrible thing to do, or not traumatising for Tavros.
BRIGHT: The clothing could potentially be down to Vriska wanting to look ‘adult’ without fully understanding why it looks adult. That does come up sometimes with teens — they want to experiment with clothing because that’s how adults dress, not because they want to look sexy, or they might dress a certain way for dates because that’s the social model they have for How Dates Work.
And if I read it like that, this basically looks like Vriska having the date equivalent of a dolls’ tea party. Which says volumes about how she views Tavros’s autonomy.
CHEL: Good point. Though honestly it would say volumes about same either way!
BRIGHT: I said earlier that Vriska is better than Equius at recognising when other people’s desires conflict with hers, and she is, but that doesn’t mean she respects those differences. She just recognises that they’re there, and overrides them. This is a prime example of Vriska viewing Tavros as something between a chew-toy and a prop. First she kicks him around and terrifies him, then she expects him to be able to get over those emotions at the drop of a hat and respond to her advances — and, moreover, she wants him to respond in a certain way, which Tavros has zero way of knowing. This is the first time she’s shown that sort of interest in him, unless her earlier behaviour was the Alternian equivalent of pigtail-pulling.
...I think maybe that was in fact Alternian pigtail-pulling. Or at least Vriska’s version of pigtail-pulling.
CHEL: That’ll actually make more sense, once we explain what the spade symbol means.
Okay, how many counts does this cover?
ALL THE LUCK: 12 ARE YOU TRYING TO BE FUNNY?: 31 CALL CPA PLEASE: 26 CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 55 IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 13
It also occurred to me during this sequence to think again about how Karkat contemptuously swears at and hangs up the phone on the injured Tavros. This, at first glance, seems to be very much at odds with the “cranky but caring” impression we’re supposed to have of Karkat… but it fits precisely with Hussie’s opinion of Tavros and how pathetic he is for allowing a much more powerful person to permanently disable him. I know at the moment it looks like I’m not separating the character from the author, but it’ll become clear as we go that that is what he thinks.
IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 14
Why didn’t we start a FUCK YOU, HUSSIE count?
BRIGHT: It would have ended up longer than all the other counts combined.
CHEL: The actual assault is over now, but there’s one more picture of it. The ramifications must continue to be discussed, so tread cautiously. The actual act is over now, though.
Said ramifications come pretty quickly. Kanaya, having dealt with getting herself into the game and prototyped her own lususprite, decides to check on Vriska.
Ideally she has not gotten herself into too much trouble. And ideally the dramatic irony has not gotten so thick you could draw a dotted line on it with a tube of lipstick and cut it in half with a chainsaw.
Of course, she sees the exact moment Vriska kisses Tavros.
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(Fanart source has now been deleted, sadly.)
~*THE ASSAULT ENDS HERE*~
Humorous art aside over, let’s watch Kanaya’s reaction in more detail. She angrily looks at a copy of the Tinkerbell dress, which she presumably sent the alchemiter code for rather than the actual item to Vriska, hence why she still has it.
So THAT'S why she had you make this dress for her??? And you just went along with it like a sucker. Argh, you are such an IDIOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Like Karkat, Kanaya is presented as the caring one, the protective one. The “mom friend” of the group. And yet, she looks at this, in which Tavros is clearly frightened and struggling, and her reaction is to be mad that Vriska didn’t want to wear the dress for a date with her. I’m not sure whether this says more about Hussie’s opinion of Tavros or the social system of Alternia or both, but it certainly says a lot.
CLOCKWORK PROBLEMATYKKS: 56 HURRY UP AND DO NOTHING: 13 IN HATE WITH MY CREATION: 15
BRIGHT: Kanaya has had to corral Vriska on Tavros’s behalf already! Possibly more than once! She has all the information to realise that this is abusive, even leaving aside Tavros’s reaction! Sure, teens can be self-centred, but even so this is egregious.
CHEL: Kanaya’s Grubsprite comforts her and she throws the dress out the window.
Being a kid and growing up. It's hard and nobody understands.
Yes, I’m sure Tavros thinks so too.
Charles: "I know Sir can be prickly, but you have to understand he had a very terrible childhood."
Klaus: "I understand. I'm having a very terrible childhood right now."
-A Series of Unfortunate Events
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mr-kamiyama · 4 years
Text
A Word for Zoomers Who're Told They're "Making Up" Genders and Orientations.
I'm an Xer.
Well, actually I'm in that b.1977-85 throe where no two people can agree what I am. I'm Post Dankai Junior in the old country, but I was too old to be a kid for Pokémon, Harry Potter, I caught Digimon 02 during its premiere US run a rare Saturday the firm I worked at, that normally had Saturday hours, was closed. I met Windows Millennium Edition because a housemate, as back then, I'd realised I wanted to live with company, wanted to upgrade our computer to the newest version of Windows (and I promptly made AMVs using GIFs and lost them to the sands of time all before YouTube even existed) So that gives you an idea of my age.
I came out for the first time in high school. I came out as bi.
In Japan, transness, like here had different words we no longer use, but unlike here, wasn't a secret.
If I'd stayed in Japan just one more year, in '95 politician Kamikawa Aya began advocating on NHK for trans rights.
Maybe I'd've learned that transition *to* male and actual medical treatment like HRT to make that possible existed a whole lot sooner.
But I didn't. And so, I didn't realise it was actually something I could *do* and I wasn't doomed to be stuck until about 2010.
I claimed "bi" in the '90s, and mistook "you're a really cool person and really nice to me when few people are and so I really like you in a platonic sense" +aesthetic attraction for crushes of a romantic and sexual nature.
The SAM model was developed by bi people in the '70s, but where and when I was, there weren't exactly highly visible LGBT centres where I could learn this. So I thought any orientation had to be "x-sexual"
And I only knew about straight, gay/lesbian, and bi.
Which, the term "laaaaaaaabelllls" was coined by biphobic people my age. See, we weren't like people today, who literally can't live because of unfettered crony capitalism. You could get a nice studio on the nice side of town for eight days' work at minimum wage (of course, being POC, you had to find the right realtor), which back then was under four dollars an hour. You could get a 2br/1.5ba rowhouse for about two weeks' worth, which is half a month, but these days, that much work will get you a barely-studio in shoot-you-in-the-face-in-broad-daylight territory.
But we were still plenty suspicious of marketing. So queerphobic Xers went "don't make me acknowledge your filthy non-mono sexuality! What if I told you naming what you are is dehumanising, like labelling a jar of mayo, and you're the product!"
Which is no different that queerphobic Millennials claiming "Queer is a slur uwu call it gay because cisgay and cishet are the only valid IDs uwu Gay has never ever been used as a pejorative uwu"
Which is also bunk because back in the '90s, if one young man did ANYTHING another didn't like, the other one could call it and him "gaaayyy" and that would be a homophobic attack via toxic masculinity on the first young man. Heck, I don't listen to much grunge, though I did at the time, but it's used this way in some Nirvana song. I just can't remember which one.
Anyway, so I claimed bi and spent the next 23 or so years fighting for it even against physical violence to make me claim something in the false straight/gay binary
All along, I thought "the mushy stuff squicks me because I'm a guy (insert ways I justified things before I realised that yes, I actually am male for prior to 2010)" which, yeah, I'm still sorting through the myriad manifestations of toxic masculinity and learning to spot them. What that actually is is romance repulsion.
I'm actually aroace.
To go further, I actually have very strong platonic affection feelings, and "idemromantic" is not necessarily my actual identity, but that, and at least some idea, if even wrong, that the other party was interested, was how I sorted whether I should approach the other person as "friend" or "potential partner" subconsciously.
Plus to further complicate things, I'm sex-favourable ace/cupiosexual, which meant that just hearing limited definitions of things like sex repulsion in aces didn't clue me in. It wasn't until discussing what sexual attraction was with a newly-realised gay first wave Xer last year that I realised I had no idea what that was and had never felt it, and was therefore asexual. Which after the discussion with that guy, I dove into readings by you all on Tumbler first.
And I only realised I'm aromantic last month, though I've been questioning for actually a year this month.
Now, I'd say my aesthetic attraction is definitely bi, and yes, I accept the redefinition made with the info we have now of two or more genders including your own" which *I read* as "but not necessarily all genders, and perceived gender is a factor" whereas pan seems to me like "perceived gender is not a factor in attraction" ??
Now, I still actually don't have an idea about my potential aesthetic feelings towards people who present NB. The men and women I feel it towards tend to have this or that decidedly masculine or feminine traits, and I may never, because people my age are less likely to come out.
Whether orientation or gender, people my age are products of a very binary 20th century. We were really all sorts of shape pegs, but many of us were and still are dodecahedrons and whatnot with choices of only square, circle, and mayyybe triangle holes.
Naturally, the dodecahedrons and the hexagons all tried to jam themselves in circle and square holes, whichever ones it looked like we could maybe wedge into.
This means plenty of us are going around thinking things like "I guess I don't like sex because I'm a woman" or "I guess I don't like the mushy stuff because I'm a man" or "I don't feel female so I guess I'm a man because I'm AMAB and that's all I got" etc.
Those most likely to come out are those with very strong NB/aro/ace feelings WHO BECOME INFORMED. And some may still not, or those with feelings they can't sort, because they've lived so long the previous way, they may at least feel they have too much to lose.
There's also people like me that need a lot of info to realise they were misreading their own feelings due to decades of amatonormative/heteronormative/binarist/toxic masculine brainwashing.
(I still don't like the term "toxic masculine" because I really want a term where we have more room to redefine "masculine" as decidedly masculine but wholly without the toxic stuff that's so married to "manliness," room to reject that stuff and revision manliness, but whatever)
THE REASON OLDER GENERATIONS DON'T HAVE THIS STUFF IS NOT BECAUSE YOU'RE INVENTING IT. IT IS BECAUSE OUR TIME DIDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE IT.
Yes, I think it's funny imaging how lost you'd be trying to use an 8-track player, or a library card catalogue actually made of index cards.
And had I not miscarried in December 2003 and had a sixteen year old, I'd have had them set up the internet TV device I got instead of three hours barely restraining myself from breaking it into pieces just like I was the only one who was able to figure out how to set the VCR clock and VCR+ timers when we got one when I was young. Which my difficulty with this stuff is more like a Boomer than an Xer. Most of my peers are pretty savvy. Sometimes my friends can tele-help me.
And I think new music,which I define as post-Y2K, stinks.
So I'm not hip and new. Plenty about me is just like your parents.
But no, you aren't making this up. And you're informing a lot of us. You're waking us up to how truly diverse humanity is. You're waking some of us up to who we really are.
And as for those of you who have crummy and even Karen parents, two things:
A. The Latino kids took me and the other Asian in in high school. There aren't many Asians in FL. (The "Another Chinese Family" bit on Fresh Off The Boat is so real) There are definitely some crummy Xers out there, and that's been true all along. There was even a right-wing youth org called "young republicans." There were Regean-loving racist queerphobes all along. They made my life miserable in high school, too.
B. There are also others like me that believe in you. That actually need you. You're bringing *back* a diversity that was smothered by colonial Europe. Historical precedent is actually on your side.
Thank you. I mean it. You're doing good, you're legit, and there are a lot of us who believe in you, too.
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mcrmadness · 2 years
Text
A funny thing I noticed today as I was working on a fanfiction of mine.
This is just my random deep thoughts about aspec and attraction in general cos my aroace ass doesn't have a clue of anything as usual.
So, I always struggle more or less with how to write any kinds of relationships because I am aromantic and asexual, and I guess you could say I also believe in "relationship anarchy", and on top of all that I'm also a loveless aro.
What all that means to me:
I don't experience romantic nor sexual attraction at all.
I don't know if I experience platonic attraction. Maybe? It depends on whom you ask, because some say it's about QPRs and some say it's about whether one feels the need to have friends or not. I do, but I don't know where's the line between platonic attraction and just naturally learning to know people and getting along with some better than with others.
I am sex-repulsed, romance-repulsed and very touch-averse. However, I no longer believe that certain acts are inherently sexual or romantic only. I believe everyone can define what they mean to THEM and THEIR relationships and friendships, but no one can define those for OTHER PEOPLE. But because I am pretty much repulsed by all kinds of physical touch, physical intimacy is not part of any friendships of mine, this doesn't really concern me.
And this takes us to the fanfiction writing part. All three - platonic, romantic and sexual - are pretty much a grey area for me. I don't know how they differ from each other. In a way I can try to imagine that and I think I sometimes might even understand all this better when I write about two people in some kind of a relationship (might be an QRP, I haven't wanted to give it a name tbh), but still I do not know if I'm getting even close to what it is like for allos. All I can do is guess.
Before I thought the difference is exactly in what kinds of actions are allowed in which kind of a relationship, but since I have abandoned the idea that e.g. platonic friends can't hug or kiss without my mind going "they can't be JUST friends!!!", now I'm just left with... nothing. My previous understanding was just the rules of amatonormativity and society's standards, what I just grew up to believe because you possibly could, and still can't, watch or read (or play) almost any kind of media without it eventually shoving these ideas into your face as the only truth.
The attraction part - I still don't understand how allo brains do that, it's still such a "seems fake but okay" moment to me every single time allos show symptoms of attraction towards someone they don't even know. This is why I understand the demi way of attraction so much better! It just makes sense to me that you'd develop other types of feelings only after knowing the person well and for a long(er) time. Even tho I don't think I'd be demi, I'm too romance-repulsed (and sex-repulsed) and touch-averse for that in general, but just the overall idea just makes more sense to me.
Today I was writing something and I was kinda analyzing my own writing at the same time. The characters often take the reins and I just write what they do, but I don't necessarily understand what they do or why they do that. I don't know if it's confusing to someone who might have experience on those things - I mean I don't have. I had typical school time crushes but I think they were mostly aesthetic + just me wanting to do what others did too -> have a crush so I can talk about a crush with a friend so we band bond over crushes. I believe it's an ADHD thing, it's no different from me seeing someone drawing and me starting to draw because it just made me want to draw. Or when people talk about writing. I also want to talk about writing! So when as pre-teen and teen my friends had crushes, I also wanted to have a crush.
Needless to say, my last crush I had when I was 16, and that lasted for 3 years (started when I was 13) and I never even talked to this person. Just felt like running away screaming if they even saw me. After that I had fictional crushes cos they could not show "feelings" back. I think those were either platonic crushes, or my antidepressants just messing up with my head so much it affected even that part of my brain.
Hm, I got distracted. I was trying to say that after analyzing my texts, I realized that I actually have two moods for... some... attraction. I don't know how to call that. But I am writing about two people who are not aro nor ace, so I am not even trying to make them aro nor ace. One of them has slight vibes but not enough that I'd want to touch that part of their identity too much in my stories.
But yeah, I realized that these two characters, when they've just learnt to know each other, they kinda develop some sort of crush-like feelings. I don't really know what that even is. Basically it's platonic but still not (leaning slightly towards romantic/sexual attraction sometimes). And then much much later, it's still there but now it feels different? I still can't explain it, because I literally cannot feel it myself, but I can use empathy for imagining what that feels like but I still don't... comprehend a single thing about it. All I know is that it feels, or has different vibes, between those two scenes despite the setting basically being still the exact same. There just are so many years between those two scenes.
This is where I got the eureka moment today, as I started wondering that is the first one basically the way allos experience attraction, and the second one closer to how demis experience attraction? At least it would make more sense to me, EVEN THO it's about the same two characters so it's a bit funny that they'd have both the allo and demi brain lmao. But like I said, I myself don't have any experience, and even imagining anything myself is really difficult because I _don't experience attraction (aesthetic to some extent, but I'm really low even on that), and I have no clue how can you tell different forms of attraction apart from each other when you haven't even felt majority of them ever.
Okay, I guess this is enough deep thoughts for today.
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Where They Stand - Kasmir Calili
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tagged by: @drachenlance
PLACE IN SOCIETY
✖ FINANCIAL – wealthy / moderate / poor / in poverty
We don’t really know how much money Kas has. She claims to “follow the gil” when working, but rarely accepts payment. She has an apartment, lots of flashy and expensive jewelry, and feeds two large carnivores so she clearly isn’t poor. She will bail out friends and give money when needed, regardless of amount.
✖ MEDICAL – fit / moderate / sickly / disabled / disadvantaged
Have I mentioned today that she is blind and deals with chronic pain?
✖ CLASS OR CASTE – upper / lower / middle / working / unsure
✖ EDUCATION – qualified / unqualified / studying
Never formally educated.
FAMILY
✖ MARITAL STATUS – married, happily / married, unhappily / engaged  / partnered / divorced / widow or widower / separated / single / it’s complicated
✖ CHILDREN – has children / no children / wants children / adopted children
✖ FAMILY – close with sibling / not close with siblings / has no siblings / siblings are deceased / it’s complicated
She has one living brother out of 10 siblings.
✖ AFFILIATION – orphaned / adopted / disowned / raised by both parents / other
Raised by her mother, father took a traditional Keeper role.
TRAITS & TENDENCIES  
✖ disorganized / organised / in between
✖ close-minded / open-minded / in between
✖ cautious / reckless / in between
✖ patient / impatient / in between
✖ outspoken / reserved / in between
✖ leader / follower / in between
✖ sympathetic / unsympathetic / in between
✖ optimistic / pessimistic / in between
✖ hardworking / lazy / in between
✖ cultured / uncultured / in between
✖ loyal / disloyal / in between
✖ faithful / unfaithful / in between
SEXUALITY & ROMANTIC INCLINATION
✖ SEXUALITY – heterosexual / homosexual / bisexual / asexual / pansexual / omnisexual / demisexual
She’s still a hedonist at heart-- if they can make her feel good, then she’s into them.
✖ SEX – sex repulsed / sex neutral / sex favorable
✖ ROMANCE – romance repulsed / romance neutral / romance favorable
✖ SEXUALLY – sexually adventurous / sex experienced / naive / inexperienced / curious / uninterested
ABILITIES
✖ COMBAT SKILLS – excellent / good / moderate / poor / none
She can like... bite and scratch pretty good. Probably wrestle-- she’s got some murder thighs under the softness.
✖ LITERACY SKILLS – excellent / good / moderate / poor / none
Did not learn to read before becoming blind.
✖ ARTISTIC SKILLS – excellent / good / moderate / poor / none
No one will ever know, but she was classically trained on string instruments by the first man she worked for.
✖ TECHNICAL SKILLS – excellent / good / moderate / poor / none
Digging around in people’s insides without them dying is a technical skill, right? Only “good” and not “excellent” because she’s not particularly gentle and doesn’t care about leaving scars.
tagging: Who hasn’t done this? @thepyriteprince? U down bro?
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ckret2 · 4 years
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do you think alister if he even has any kind of preference (he could be sex repulsed and all) would have that old 'its not gay if you're the one fucking the other man' mentality (round about way of asking for the same post you made for pen but. for the radio demon)
No, no, see, this isn’t the same as the question I answered earlier at all. The question I answered earlier was “do you think Sir Pent tops or bottoms?” (technically, the “question” i answered was “pen is a bottom” and my answer was “INTERESTING! NO.”) But the question you’re asking is “do you think Alastor defines a person’s sexuality by their sex acts rather than by the people that person is attracted to?” with a side helping of “do you think Alastor has any sexual preferences at all or is he 100% sex repulsed?”
“Which acts does the character think ‘count’ as gay” has no inherent correlation to “which acts does the character enjoy engaging in.” You see the difference. For them to be the same question, we’d have to start off the question by assuming that what acts the character is okay with engaging in is determined by whether or not the character thinks those acts are gay. Conflating what they think is gay with what they’re okay with doing implies that you’re assuming a whole lot about that character’s personality, how much internalized homophobia that character is dealing with, and how fragile that character’s sense of masculinity is, and I’m pretty sure you don’t actually want to imply any of that!
So if you want me to answer the same question I answered earlier, then come back and ask that question, not a roundabout version of the question that’s in fact a very, VERY different question. In the meantime, I’m going to answer the question that you actually asked: “do you think Alastor has 'it’s not gay if you’re penetrating’ beliefs about sexuality?”
The tl;dr is: big shrug, I dunno. Seems possible based on what little I DO know about the time period but I don’t know enough yet. Also if anyone happens to have resources on queer life/history in 1920s New Orleans, like, please chuck them at me.
Essay below!! Hey tumblr you’d better let the read more cut work, don’t let me down.
As it happens, I’ve actually been trying to figure out how sexuality was viewed roundabouts the 1920s in New Orleans—because I figure Alastor’s views have probably evolved very little since then. I get the impression that he’s very set in his own era; and because he’s sort of in a social bubble—who’s going to try to get close to the Radio Demon?—and doesn’t engage much with current mass media, he’s more or less shielded from evolutions in modern culture.
(Compare that to, say, Angel, who sounds very modern—or Charlie, who’s at least a couple of centuries old (probably much more) but also dresses and acts very modern.)
So whatever he thinks about sexuality is going to be rooted in whatever was current when he was alive.
The 20s were actually surprisingly good to queer folks, from what I’ve found so far—there was some VERY gay vaudeville & jazz tracks coming out—but like, I don’t know exactly how good, relatively speaking. Or where. Was it, like, only New York? And/or only San Francisco? I’ve got next to no sources on what was going on in New Orleans. The ONLY fact I’ve been able to find from the era so far is that 1933—the year of Alastor’s death—is the year the first gay bar opened in New Orleans (or, at least, the first one that’s still open today—it relocated but it’s still going). But that doesn’t tell me a lot about the overall environment. All it tells me is “New Orleans wasn’t so homophobic that the bar was burned down immediately, and/or they kept it too secret for that to happen.” That’s not a lot to go on.
And all of this is, like, the level of mainstream tolerance/acceptance toward queerness. It doesn’t tell me what people actually believed then.
Here’s a paragraph on late-1800s/early-1900s psychological beliefs about queerness that are hella outdated today: one contemporary belief about sexuality called “sexual inversion” basically said that a queer person’s brain was “inverted” gender-wise from the norm—that is, for instance, if you’re AMAB and attracted to men, you’ve got a feminine brain, you’ll like to do feminine things, you’ll want to perform feminine sex acts (ie, be the recipient in anal sex), and you’ll probably want to have a feminine body. Basically it conflated being gay and being trans. On the other hand, if you’re AMAB and you’re attracted to a feminine AMAB “invert,” you’re more or less still straight, because you’re attracted to someone with a feminine brain so like that’s more or less a woman psychologically speaking. By modern standards this whole framework is very “oh yikes” but like… ours probably will be seen as cringy in 50 years; and psychologists who believed in sexual inversion generally advocated in favor of letting inverts live in alignment with how their brains told them to, which was a big step forward.
So that was a theory going around. But like, how widespread was it? I know a book about lesbian inverts was written in the late '20s to try to make the term more widespread but idk whether it succeeded or to what extent. Was it a term ONLY being used in psychiatric circles and a handful of people who picked up the book? Was it restricted to certain metropolitan centers? If you went to a drag ball, did people introduce themselves as inverts? (Did they have drag balls? I know they did in mid-Victorian England but that doesn’t tell me much about what was being done in 1920s USA, much less New Orleans.)
And as far as I can tell, the idea of “sexual inversion” was the first time that a framework was presented in Western society where queerness was presented as something inborn rather than a choice people make to go screw someone they “shouldn’t” screw. There was a shift around the 20th century from “gayness is an action that you perform, people can perform the act or not perform the act but they’re basically all the same on the inside” to “gay is something that you ARE, on the inside,” but WHEN exactly did gayness shift from an action to an identity? And when did that shift happen in New Orleans? Knowing when it happened in NYC or some shit isn’t gonna do me any good if, say, it didn’t happen in NOLA for another two decades.
So like obviously I need to find a lot more research on queer history in that region and decade before I can give a super firm answer about what Alastor’s opinions/beliefs are.
I’m toying with the idea that Alastor did spend some of his life in NYC, though; like, he didn’t just casually pick up a Mid-Atlantic accent on the streets of Nawlins. He might’ve picked it up from talkies—although he would’ve had to spend a LOT of time at the movies studying specifically to copy the accent. I know the Mid-Atlantic accent was big in theater, but was that also the case in NOLA, or only in New England? Were there, like, traveling Broadway shows then like there are today? I’m inclined to believe that Alastor actually studied theater at some point in order to pick up the accent, which probably means going to some theater school in the northeast. We know he was into theater, being trained as an actor before going into radio makes sense to me. (He also could’ve learned it at a fancy expensive private school, but I prefer headcanoning him as from a lower background than that.) So maybe he spent some time living in NYC before going back home to NOLA, so if I really really can’t find anything on 20s NOLA I can focus research on NYC instead and say “he picked up his opinions there.” That’s my plan B.
I know that, WHATEVER the 20s NOLA queer community was like, I want to headcanon Alastor was sort of in it but also sort of on the fringes of it—like, due to his very conspicuous (conspicuous to himself) lack of normal/expected attraction to the people he knew he was “supposed” to be attracted to, he sort of felt a draw to the company of other folks who were conspicuously not attracted to who they were “supposed” to be—but he never really felt super deep ties to that community because, one, he just naturally forms very shallow relationships in the first place, and, two, he wasn’t hanging out in queer spaces looking for a relationship or a date or an opportunity to express some hidden side of himself so much as he was looking for a place where he wasn’t being weighed down by The Mainstream Expectations. But you can still be weighed down, albeit to a lesser extent, by The Counterculture Expectations, too. So, he was comfortable enough in queer spaces, but remained just sort of on the edges—was probably recognized by sight by other folks in NOLA who frequented queer events but wasn’t anyone’s best friend. Kinda shows up and makes small talk and goes home.
So, what sort of opinions and beliefs would he have absorbed from those edges? And how would they have been influenced by his own ace/aro perspective, from which ALL talk of sex and romance, whether queer or straight, is a foreign perspective that he could intellectually learn about but not ever really FEEL on an instinctive/gut level the way allo folks do?
I don’t know yet. Gotta find the right research materials first!
So tl;dr anon I don’t know yet whether he thinks taking it up the ass makes someone gayer than putting it in the ass.
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thenexusofsouls · 4 years
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𝐂𝐇𝐀𝐑𝐀𝐂𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐒𝐇𝐄𝐄𝐓.
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full name  .  Marie Sebastian (her real name is Mia Doucett, but she doesn’t know that, nor does she know that she was adopted at age 3) pronunciation  .  Pretty standard... nicknames  .  None
height  .  5′6″ age  .  23 in Oldboy, but somewhat verse dependent zodiac  .  No clue... languages  .  English, minimal Spanish and French
PHYSICAL CHARACTERISTICS.
hair colour  .  Dark brown eye colour  .  Green skin tone  .  Pale body type  .  A little curvy accent  .  U.S. New England? I suppose? dominant hand  .  Right posture  .  Usually very straight tattoos  .  Yes, she has a sprawling octopus on her right forearm most noticeable features  .  I guess her expressive eyes and long hair, and the tattoo is pretty unique
CHILDHOOD.
place of birth  .  I actually have no idea... hometown  .  Again, no idea... but I imagine where she was born is not where she ended up after being adopted. birth weight  /  height  .  No clue, heh. manner of birth  .  Naturally in a hospital first words  .  I’m gonna say “dad” or “daddy” just so it’ll hurt more XD siblings  .  Nope parents  .  So... her birth parents were Donna and Joe Doucett. It wasn’t really ever said who adopted her. parental involvement  .   Her birth mother was wonderful, but unfortunately she was murdered when she was 3. Her birth father was an arrogant, alcoholic asshole... who... eventually reformed himself... but... he can’t really be with Marie today. That’s all I’m gonna say, lest I get into triggering topics. Her adoptive father was very good with her but he died when she was young, and her adoptive mother was not really very supportive of her after that.
ADULT LIFE
occupation . Registered nurse close friends  .  Tom, an ex-boyfriend and a doctor, various other nurses she knows relationship status  .  currently single financial status  .  lower middle class now but at the poverty line growing up driver’s license  .  Yep, she drives a big van, heh criminal record  .  Drug possession... she spent a few nights in jail but a friend bailed her out
SEX & ROMANCE.
sexual orientation  .  heterosexual romantic orientation  .  heteroromantic preferred emotional role  .     submissive | dominant | switch  |  unsure. preferred sexual role  .     submissive |  dominant  |  switch |  sex repulsed libido  .  low to moderate turn ons  .  Honestly... she likes older, muscular men with a lot of problems, haha. I know that sounds terrible, but that’s just her type and she likes to feel needed in a relationship and like she can help someone that she’s in love with. turn offs  .   Sexual violence, cruelty to the sick or disadvantaged, lying love language  .  Taking stupid little nerve-wracking risks, like randomly kissing someone in the middle of a conversation; hand holding; caring for their wounds or illnesses; looking out for their safety relationship tendencies  .  She tends to go from one relationship to another, Marie doesn’t like to be alone. She also tends to have pretty bad relationships, though, so they don’t last long.
MISCELLANEOUS.
character’s theme song  .   hobbies to pass the time  .  Well she has a cat, so there’s that... and... she collects knick-knacks, she gardens, and she loves to bake. mental illnesses .  drug addiction (heroine, former), alcohol abuse physical illnesses .  so far not really any to speak of, which is amazing considering she drinks, smokes, and has done heroine for years left or right brained .  Right fears .  Being alone, relapsing with her drug addiction, being assaulted again vulnerabilities . She’s too trusting and she puts herself out there too much to help people, sometimes when it’s not safe
tagged by  :  I stole it! tagging  : Anyone who wants to do this! ^_^
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