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#feel very fleabag i dont know what to do with it i dont know where to put it now with my memories
kimmkitsuragi · 2 years
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hm
#ah im not in a bad mood rn honestly but i cant stop thinking this#i say 'i need to get out' and okay great i guess but feels like every place in this world is also going towards a shittier future 😭#so like. where tf do i even go. i mean ive been basically thinking anywhere is better than this#which is TRUE still. imo#but also it is such a big and scary decision and i wanna do it right and i mean i dont even know if i will be able to do any of this sjdjd#yet here i am worrying abt these things every day#like. are Most places in the world a better option than what i have rn? probably yes 😭#but i dont knowwwwwww i dont know anything abt the world and living and stuff like. everything sucks forever can i pls get some rights pl#i sometimes think i developed some kind of a Stockholm syndrome with this country lmao#like. yes everything is incredibly terrible yet sometimes i just sit down and think#like why even try to get out. life is kinda tolerable here and it's not That Bad (lies)#anyway feeling very hashtag fleabag rn like wont anyone PLEASE tell me exactly what i should do in life. thank you.#i wish i wasnt born in a country where i have to question the possibility of living an Okay Life every day#and as i said I KNOW things are going pretty bad all around the world rn and so many more terrible things are happening#but. but. but.............. this one is completely a lost cause it feels like#anyway!!! i said i wasnt in a bad mood and it's true but i just had to come here and be a doomer sometimes#🗒#neg#i dont even know wtf will happen about any of this and i have to make Decisions and yeah. 👍 yeah#it's okay it's normal it's fine (i dont even know i'll be able achieve anything and even if i do how tf will i have the money to pay and-)#( do i even want this can i even do it do i even deserve this-)
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is it just me?
i've been observing a tendency surrounding women —mostly between 20 and 26— where we can't find anything close to love (from men). women are not dating, nor living a normal life, developing a femcel-like point of view. and im saying this because i want to be loved just like anyone else, but are we the problem? or is there something wrong with boys? i mean, ofc there's something wrong with boys; but every year pass by and every time is harder and harder to find someone willing to put the effort to make you feel loved and understood. was it like this 50 years ago? 100 years ago? i am very much aware that our mothers and grandmothers suffered in the world they lived in, generally with sexist husbands and mandatory tradwife lifestyle. but i am also sure that there was some exceptions, way too many more than today.
and we tend to romanticize the past, probably there's something to do with our generation. nor millennials or gen z, the ones in the middle. the girls who grew up with enough technology but not so much. the ones that went crazy over boybands and fanfiction and hung up posters in our walls. the ones that went crazy in 2018-2020 with deranged feminism just to realise, later on, nobody really cared and it maybe was a little over the top. the ones that filled our beds with stuffed animals repeatedly every time we woke up just to throw them on the floor at night so we could sleep. the girls who spent their teenage years on tumblr writing code (before men took that away from us) and making playlists of marina lana and the 1975 so everyone on the internet could see how cool we wanted to look like. probably the ones that suffered some kind of bullying in highschool or some health problem related to how we didn't fit in or how bad we looked at ourselves in the mirror (yk what i mean). we weren't the cool kids in real life or it was just me?
now i'm observing how hard it is to adapt that teenager to adult years. and maybe it's me but i don't feel like an adult. i am a tiny ball of anxiety. i suffer too much stress. i am trying to finish my degree but i don't know if im worthy of anything because i dont have money, and i don't have time to work and study at the same time because i spend too many time thinking about it and feeling a fraud and a failure.
i don't know how to talk to boys either —nor girls, in that way—. and until some days ago i was quite sure i was willing and capable of spending my whole life alone. i've given up to anything because i felt it imposible to be loved. but lately my mind goes up and down with that scene of jo monologue in little women by gretta gerwig. and it also goes with the hot priest monologue of fleabag. and today i rewatched the classic he's just not that into you. are we condemned to be the tedious rule? am i?
i've seen all of my girlfriends suffering the same mysery. and i've seen the extremes. women giving up the love they deserve —because they accepted the fate of being the rule— by dating a jerk just because they are afraid of loneliness. and i've also seen women giving up everything else just because they are not willing to give up love. those are us. hopeless romantics who watched way too many romantic comedies and somehow still expect to find someone willing to die for us just like dicaprio in romeo + juliet. —or at least a patrick verona—.
what i've never seen was actual love. all the couples i met... they don't look happy. they don't look in love. they don't look like they enjoy their own company even. they look exactly like a picture of instagram. they exist just to make us feel miserable even when it's obvious they are not gonna last. i've seen couples of what? 7 years? gone. broken up. they grew tired of each other and of course they never looked like they had anything close to sparkles in their eyes. chemistry? none. and maybe it is my anxiety speaking but i don't want that. i refuse to have that. i want all or nothing. i want always and forever. i want everyone to look at us and think "if i don't have that i'll kms". i want family —even tho im not sure i want to get pregnant, what am i a childbride?—. i don't want to change anything to fit in with the standards of a boy. i want marriage even tho im not sure i want to be legally married. i want the posibility, the future. i want the emotions surpassing myself. i want to not know me anymore and then knowing me again. i want to doubt myself. i want my heart beating so fast i could kill someone for them. i want to believe god exists. i want to laugh of happiness without they making a joke. i want my sundays to not be deppresing because i can hang out with the love of my life and have fun. i want to be the "and yet" of someone willingly enough to fall for me every single day even if i am kinda insane all the time. i want someone who cares. someone who fantasizes with spending the rest of their lives with me and is going to put the effort to get to know every single thing about me and stay because he's blown away. and aparently that's setting the bar "too high" because we are the rule and not the exception.
people always assume that by being a romantic i expect flowers every day and cheesy comments about how beautiful i look; and that would actually make me want to puke because i can do that myself. i am confortable with myself, i like myself, i love myself, i have the ego. i am not really asking for that much i just want someone to love me with every single thing that's probably wrong with me. what i want is someone curious and smart. someone who pays enough attention or wants to. i want the chemistry off the roof.
and contrary to anyone's beliefs the bar is too low about everything else. every single girl probably wants the same thing. is it that hard for men to understand that women want to feel loved?
lately —worldwide— it's all a competition of genres as if humanity doesn't need us to interact to survive. it's a loop that opened up in 2013? with the tumblr-4chan gate and right now got translated to the real world because pick-mes are back and being a man is cool. and suddenly that's how nature works!! because apparently women are boring and just a hole. maybe they all need to go all alexander the great. but it's getting boring. and we as women deserve love as much as respect.
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thyqueerblueberry · 11 months
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roman roy and fleabag parallels
hi. so, the worms in my brain got a little (very) out of hand and this post is a result of it👍
let's talk about the line "i dont know what to do with all the love i have for her i dont know where to put it." fleabag as a character is deeply, incredibly flawed. she's broken, depressed, self-destructive; i could go on and on. to me, the show was essentially about love and grief and being able to find support in the people around you, and coming to terms with the fact that there are in fact, people that love you and that you deserve to be loved. fleabag thinks she's "greedy, perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical and depraved" and yeah, she is, but she's also trying her damned best to get through life goddamit. roman, my precious failbaby, my son, he literally thinks of himself as unlovable, thinks he deserves being hit because he's "annoying." the core of roman's self-hate stems from the abuse he suffered as a child (and continues to), all those years that he spent trying to please a father who thought there was something wrong with him. he's a cruel, evil guy (first time we see that on screen was the baseball game where he promised that kid 1 mil and then proceeded to tear the cheque in front of his eyes) and yeah, he too, is "greedy, perverted, selfish, apathetic, cynical and depraved."
"i think you know how to love better than any of us that's why you find it all so painful." phoebe waller-bridge why would you do this to me. do i even have to elaborate on this line? fleabag holds so much love in her she doesn't know what to do with it she wants to be loved but doesn't want to go through the terrible ordeal of being known, of being seen, her boyfriend literally told her "don't make me hate you, loving you is hard enough as it is", the priest's speech on love, his decision to choose to stay or leave her and he chose the former !!!! her relationship with her sister, how claire loves her but doesn't see her, not the way the priest did. just. yeah. rome. he has so, so much love to give. i think out of all the characters on succ, he's the one vulnerable enough to say something like "i don't know dad, love?" like??? and that scene where he asks greg to get him one of logan's sweater, something that smells like him?? how he's the one who initiates hugs?? "hey can we do the hug-y thing"??????????? ARHJHJEFKHDFS im not going to elaborate on the love he has for logan or his siblings bc there are sooo many posts that do it better than i could, but essentially, just like fleabag, roman wants to be loved but he doesn't think of himself as deserving of it.
their relationship with sex. it's so different but also not?? my friend phrased it for me so im just going to paste that over here (my fave part about this is the fact that they literally haven't watched succession but figured all this out from whatever i've told them HAH)
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feel free to interact w this post and elaborate on this more!!
how they blame themselves for the death of the person they loved (logan and boo), although in rome's case it's kinda funny in a tragic way if him calling logan a cunt is what killed logan.
how they use humor as a coping mechanism, how they deal with guilt.
something something their relationship with their sibling/s too.
and that is all for today, thank you for coming to my TED talk.
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fyodorloveclub · 2 years
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Hi my favorite little horn-dog it’s me again, anemic dick anon back with more Fyodor things. Okay so I was going through my favorited on TikTok and that’s when I came upon this:
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRmYwdMV/
(I hope the link works)
Anyways and it got me thinking! And specifically about Fyodor in this situation. Like imagine in an Au where he’s somewhat not as psychotic and has a decently normal life…as a priest! And for those who don’t know priest aren’t allowed to have any romantic relationships or encounters. But than he meets you. Oh boy does his little world get turned on its head, because you’re this big ball of everything he loves, even though you’re none-religious or come from a different religion. A small part of him can’t help but slowly fall for you as you visit even if it’s just to be a bother. You ignite his old interests, like philosophy, the cello, movies, and coding. All of these things he didn’t have to give up or quite fully did for priesthood but he wanted to be fully devote. He gave up so much of himself for his passion.
Than you came in like it was nothing and he had to fall for you. He had to give you a hug, he had to walk with you to the grocery store and hear about your day. He had to sit in the confessional room and watch you go through a plethora of emotions describing the movie you just watched and asked him to come watch with you. He just had to fall for your smile, and stupid jokes and dumb theories oh, and your god awful cello playing skills.
He stays awake at night thinking about what you’re doing and how you’re feeling, when you’re going to come back to visit. How he wants to show you just one time him playing cello. He wants to show you his collection of books and a random toy he bought at the story because it reminded him of you, not that he’d admit it.
It’s hard to fall for someone, especially for him. So as much as he loves you he prays to God, Mary, Saints, Angels, another random toy he bought because he thought of you; that you will reject him, so he won’t have to destroy everything he’s worked for, so he doesn’t have to give up something that he’s surrounded his entire life around. He questioned so much of his faith since he’s met you and he can’t help but pray even more and confess his doubts; And his prayers are answered! You’ve met a guy, and you slowly starts to see you fall for him, Fyodor sees it in your eyes and body language, how you seem to blush when you hear a ping from your phone, which you usually have turned off with him. And just to top it off you’re getting married to the special guy Osamu Dazai. Fyodor isn’t a fan but he sees the way he looks at you and how you look at him and he can’t help but have a bittersweet taste in his mouth.
You asked him to officiate the wedding. It’s a beautiful wedding. It took everything in him not to object and confess his feelings to you, even if you were never to reciprocate them and he’d ruin this happy day for you. But he can’t, because he gave you up right? You looked so beautiful, ethereal, and Fyodor swears to this day you rivaled God in all of your beauty. He really wanted to have faith in the being he gave his life to but if God existed than why would he make him fall for you? And only to have you taken away? I think Fyodor still confesses to God how much he still loves you.
-anemic dick anon
Lol angst is something I love clearly. this isn’t a request but if you’d like to add on please do so! Making people cry and be like “why would you say that” gives me life…just a little bit.
NO THIS IS SOOOOOOOO GOOD this is like literally the plot of season 2 of fleabag i love it
i dont feel like this needs anything added on its very well fleshed out bestie its great
"You looked so beautiful, ethereal, and Fyodor swears to this day you rivaled God in all of your beauty. He really wanted to have faith in the being he gave his life to but if God existed than why would he make him fall for you?" BITCH GO WRITE A BOOK OR SOMETHING THATS FUCKING FANTASTIC DKLSFJKLASDKLJS;KJF;LD
like this is so interesting and would make for such a good fic thank u for sending this in omg
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alwysblue · 3 years
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i am feral, unhinged and depressed AS SUCH its time to bless tumblr w my hc’s (evil laugh)
okay so.
daniel is 8 years older than max. he was 26 when he REALLY met an 18 year old max who was fresh faced, young and aggressive.
i’ve always felt like daniel has always been very conscious about this age gap between them. like. he alw becomes visibly wistful or upset when someone brings it up. its like.. he doesn’t like being remind of it. especially when it came to max.
we also see this w lando and their interviews w mclaren— but its different with max. its always different with max.
and of course, max is canonically fine with big age gaps (see: interview where he says as long as they’re not as old as his mom). but daniel..
NOW IN MY HEAD,,,,,,,,,
daniel, being 26 and somewhat more self-aware and wiser, KNEW all along that this kid had a crush on him. i mean.. teenaged max was a different kind of unhinged and feral lol.
and of course daniel harboured feelings for max as well and its taking daniel every inch of his self restraint to stop himself from acting on his feelings.... he wouldn’t.... he couldn’t take advantage of max like that.
to him, max was young and he didn’t know what he wanted yet and he’s not even sure if he’s gay. BUT THIS ALSO MAX and max would jump into anything and everything all at once if he knew daniel felt the same way.
and with that being said..
for all his communication issues and all,,,, max makes the first move on daniel. he kisses him in some rooftop at night and it tastes like the beer from their plastic cups and its all he’s ever dreamed of and more.
and holy fucking shit. daniel was. okay wow he was drunk, he’s just had a shit race and his younger teammate is slowly replacing him in rbr.
said younger teammate just kissed him.
he said fuck it and kissed him back.
AND SO as every maxiel fic goes, they start this friends w benefits relationship. and its all fun and games.
then its 2018 and max is 20 and daniel is 28
max looks at him, and daniel knows that look
before max even realizes it, daniel already knows that max is in love w him.
daniel knows he loves max too.
and everyone is talking about how much daniel has changed max as a racer and as a person generally
but you see, for the last 3 years, max has grown WITH daniel and daniel knows that max needs to grow WITHOUT him
how could max do that when they literally live in each other’s pockets on track and off track?
so its 2018 and daniel is leaving red bull
and its december and theyre in that same rooftop where max kissed him for the first time.
AND U KNOW THAT ICONIC FLEABAG SCENE WITH FLEABAG AND HOT PRIEST.. yeah
max says he loves daniel.
daniel says that it’ll pass.
they both know it won’t, and yet here they are.
part 2 is here!!!
WHAHAHA (evil laugh)
i always think about how max OUTGREW daniel and they both know that this was what was best for max.
age gap is also a really good angst plot point that i dont think many authors really explore into.
anyways i wish i could phrase this brainrot better BUT IM WATCHING QUALI RN WHAH
brainrot w me!!! my asks are open 💥
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hypnotiscd · 2 years
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. ・゚    ┇ ⸢  SOPHIA ALI  ,  CIS FEMALE  ,  SHE / HER  ,  MUSE   8  ⸥  ❛   ╾  don’t  look  now  but  NADIA SINGH is  heading  this  way  .  last  i  heard  ,  the  TWENTY  TWO year  old  declared  their  allegiance  to  FACTION  1 during  the  last  town  meeting  .   it  definitely  makes  sense  ,  considering  the  fact  that  they’re  known  for  being  QUICK-WITTED  &  SATIRICAL .  that  being  said  ,  they  can  also  be  quite  QUIPPY  &  RESTLESS  .  i  don’t  know  about  you  but  every  time  i  see  them  i’m  reminded  of   SHIRTS HAPHAZARDLY HANGING DOWN SHOULDER BLADES , BED HAIR MATCHED WITH SUNGLASSES , ICE CUBES RATTLING IN TUNE WITH LOUD LAUGHTER , QUICK MEANINGFUL GLANCES , AND AN ABILITY TO SOBER UP REMARKABLY FAST .  i’ve  also  heard  they’re  often  referred  to  as  the  PERCEPTIVE  ,  but  that  might  just  be  because  they’re  a  SAGGITARIUS  .  something  tells  me  it  won’t  be  long  before  they  start  to  show  their  true  colors  .  wait  ,  are  they  listening  to  MEET  ME  AT  OUR  SPOT  by  THE  ANXIETY  ,  TYLER  COLE  &  WILLOW  SMITH  ?  i  love  that  song  ! 
helloooo again it is i again , g , 24 . she / her pronouns ! aedt tz ( shudder ) . im typing whilst working, so  pls excuse me if this is incoherent !!!
main inspirations for nadia : veronica mars ( veronica mars ), rebeka ( elite ), fleabag ( fleabag ), & kiara carrera ( outer banks )
nadia is quite scrappy ! she’s definitely outspoken and quippy and filled with sarcasm to the BRIM
the queen of banter .
everything slides off her quite easily . she’s not a hugely emotional or deep person and prefers living life that way
shes only been in west ham for a month ! tbh shes flighty and doesn’t like staying in a place for long . she is always moving , always 
shes a very nosy person . whilst she doesn’t like drama for herself , she loves it for other people . she’s watched a bit too many detective shows and thinks she’s got the skills to also be one ( spoiler : she doesnt ) - but i feel like she’s super invested in finding out WhAT hApPeNeD wHeRe Is EvEryOne OooOOoo~~
has definitely thrown herself into trying to figure out what the Go is  - using it as a good distraction . probably taking the whole ‘ where the fuck is everyone ‘ thing in her stride ( again , not easily rattled )
an adult with childlike behaviours , queen of just doing whatever the hell she wants when she wants it . starting a jewellery business ? done . deciding to take up saxophone lessons ? done . learning a new language ? done
she never really finishes anything and is borderline unreliable . she has all these half done projects and half begun ideas .
pretty extroverted . not shy and definitely doesn’t hold back on the honesty , too, even when you maybe don’t want it .
always looks like she needs help carrying things . she walks around with her arms and hands full constantly and refuses to bring a bag with her anywhere . the anxiety u probably get just from being around here , waiting for her to drop or lose something . . incredible
the kinda person who is literally always down for whatever at any given time and who always has slightly wild stories ( think of alexis from schitts creek, in that vein )
doesnt like sitting still at ALL
i dont really know what im doing with her
she kinda just joined faction 1 because shes very much the go-with-the-flow person . she just shrugged and said ‘ ya why not ‘ 
honestly . . since coming back to town and realising half of it is missing . . she is Shocked of course , but doesn’t really find it Groundbreaking per se . after all , she didnt really know west ham or know many people here , so people going missing isn’t a BIG deal for her
however , i feel she’ll begin to Really feel it soon , and the itch , because she does NOT like the idea of being stuck in one place , and in essence - thats exactly whats happening .
you can usually find her in very random spaces jknfnjfk she just kinda Appears and gets along with people as best as she can
her personality is very chameleon - like , she can and will Match ur Energy
again , feel free to hmu on discord . i usually like to go with the flow and kinda just vibe with chemistry and see whats poppin . i don’t have plots for her written yet , but i will get to that ! consider her a blank board for now tho !
in the meantime if u see her fitting any plot or connection   - take her and use her !
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siriuslystargazing · 4 years
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I new I could count on you
 Request: hiii, I see your request are open and I was hoping for a sirius x reader based in book 5, the time when Molly and Sirius have an argument and reader steps up for Sirius? thank you! 
A/N: Yess oo this is going to be good !! i feels right to be back in the grove again no Uni work to worry about so lets get this ball rolling :) quick disclaimer, my spelling is bad i have dylexcia sorry but hopefully its not that bad... i havent read the books in a few years but hope you like it :))
Summary: after all this time sirius can always count on you to back him.
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Grimmauld palace was far from a palace to Sirius, he saw this place as more a prison than anything, no matter how much Molly cleanend the walls always seemd to hold the memories and dirty secrets that the black family held. The newest secret the walls held were the wearabouts of Harry Potter, Harry was relived to finally leave his tiny room at 4 private drive much be his new room was a somewhat dusty upgrade but he could live with it he was finally with his family again. but the reunion had to wait a while as the Order meeting was getting a little intense in the kitchen “Well Well Well” George Weasly Started “if it isnt Harry” Fred followed “want to know whats happening down stairs then?” the twins quized smirking bettween themselves 
“i have a feeling your going to do whatever it is wether or not i agree” Harry replied, the twins shared a look and nodded Harry smiled and followed the weaslys to the stairs 
“surly we shouldnt be doing this we’re not in there for a reason” hermionie stressed watching the twins lower the ear down listing on to the convosation...
in the Kitchen the table played host to a mix of wizards and witches, Sirius sat inbeteewn Remus and Y/N with Molly oppersit all four of them in a heated debate over harry “ Molly, Harry has a right to know about what is happening, if it wasnt for him we wouldnt know that Voldamort was back! he isnt a child molly ” Sirus started earning a frustrated huff “but he isnt an Adult either, he is not James-” Y/N flinched at the name sirius took note and placed his hand in hers giving a reasuring squeez “-He is not your Son! Molly!-”Y/N began “ Harry is our Godson we have a duty of care for him -” 
“Oh please Y/N ! where have you two been for the past 12 years, one of you was rotting in Azkaban and you were galavanting across Asia” 
“shut up you slimey Git thats my Wife your talking to!” sirius shot from his seat slaming his palms on the table silencing Snape.
“oh Enough of this the lot of you, i say we leave the meeting here and get dinner on” Molly disbanded the meeting opening the kitchen door and calling everyone down for dinner, 
“Harry Potter!” sirius Greeted embracing the teen in a tight hug “i have someone very imortant here for you to meet” pulling away and waving Y/N over to them 
“Hello Bambi” Y/N started, Tears pricked at her eyes as she took in the teen before her, he really was a spitting image of James “im Y/N, Your Godmother, i want to apologise for not being in your life i was told you died that night and well...” Y/N trailed off but was embraced in hug from Harry “its okay Y/N its nice to finally meet you Remus and Sirus told me so much about you !”
“not to cut the reunion short my love but i belive Molly is ready to plate up dinner” 
“oh yes of course!” 
Each sat at the table Whilst molly continued to cut vegetables as Arther informed HArry on his Hearing at the Ministry “this is very peculiar Harry, your hearing at the ministry is to be infront of, well the enitre Wizard front..”
“but i dont understand what has the Ministry got against me ?”
“Show him” Moody Grunted from the Shadows “he will find out soon enough beter to just show him now” more looks were exchanged at the table until Kingsly grabed a copy of the profit showing Harry the headline, sirius sighed “dont worry they have been attacking Dumbledor aswell”
“we belive Fudge is using his influence and power over at the profit to discourage the rumors of Voldemorts return, and he is deluded, fudge thinks Dumbledor is after his job!” Y/N continued 
“but thats insane No one would-” “Thats exactly the point Harry! Fudge isnt in his right mind, its been twisted by fear, and the last time Voldamort gained this much power, he nearly destroyed everything we hold dear to us” Remus cut in looking towards Y/N and Sirius with a small smile “and the minister we will do anything in his power to avoid that truth” 
Sirius and Y/N looked at eachother for a moment Nodding in silent agreement “We think, he wants to build up his army again..14 years ago he had a huge following not just witches and Wizards but other dark creatures and he has started up again, the order have done the same but gathering followers isnt the only thing hes interested in... we belive Voldamort is after somthing” The sound of mollys chopping grinded to a halt “Sirius” Moody warned but Sirius ingnored and continued “Somthing he didnt have Last time-” 
“No! thats Enough, he. is. Jusy. a. BOY!” Molly orderd her Knife claterted to the table as she rushed to Harrys side “you say much more and you might as well induct him into the order” 
“great i’d love to Join” HArry Protested “if Voldamort is raising an army i want to be a ble to fight” Sirius didnt reply but gave molly a look and clapped 
“he has a point” Y/N spoke her voice quite, sirius gave harry a wink “Excuse me!”
“Molly, Harry has a right to know and its Sirius and my duty to inform him of what is happening, you cant shield him away from this its his life, he might not have asked for it but we cant keep him hidden from the inevitable, and last time i checked and i did in asia you can’t change a profacy like this its self fufiling no matter how hard you try it will happen, all we can do is support him and help him.” the table was silent apart from a small wimper form Ron as he noticed his Mothers look 
“But he is just a Boy Y/N, What would James and Lily think? why on earth they made you two his Godparents is beyond me? both of you are reckless, young and have no -”
“HOW DARE YOU QUESTION THEM! THEY TRUSTED US FOR A REASON, MAYBE IF YOU NEW THEM THE WAY WE DID YOU WOULD UNDERSTAND BUT YOU DONT MOLLY! everything i have done was for Harry, for them, they asked me to figure out a way to save Harry  and i did i travled across the world to find a way to save him, so dont you ever question my husband or my friends actions” Y/N argued, everthing she did for the past 14 years was to find a way to save harry, Lily asked her to do it,  Lily trusted Y/N like James trusted Sirius.
Molly was shocked she hadnt known much of the witch before her, only that she was a well known unspeakable, at every meeting she was quite always sat between Sirius and Remus not say much, but tonight she new that Y/N was hot headed and would do anything to protect her frends and family she sighed and went back to the cooking, Remus let out a low laugh “you always were a hot head and you still are, trust me harry dont ever get on her bad side, that isnt the worst she can do” 
“oi, Thats my loving wife!” sirius smirked pulling Y/N kissing her temple “I new i can count on you, at least you didnt set the curtains on fire this time” 
“Dont push it fleabag” Y/N smirked, sending an apologentic smile to Molly across the Table “setting curtains on fire?” 
“It was summer 1976...” 
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lavellander · 3 years
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ooh for the ocs asks: 8, 34, and 48?
thank!! :~)
8. what do they believe will happen to them after they die? does this belief scare them?
ranae, alani, and zaniyah are all pretty devout, so they believe their spirits are released into the beyond where they stay at falon'din's side. (thank u to this post from dalishious for putting all that info in one place!) ranae is comforted by this bc she hopes to see her parents and tamlen again; alani is comforted by this bc she wants to believe that all of life's great mysteries will be answered once she's passed on; zaniyah would never admit it but it actually scares the hell out of her lmao
because sarenan's exposure to dalish religious practices was through what her mother remembered from her parents, she tends to err on the side of "well we can't really know completely for sure what happens, can we?" (until her harrowing/the fade quest in broken circle, after which she's just like. well! this is too fucked up for me to even think about!)
maeve very pointedly doesn't think about it until leandra dies. she oscillates between wanting to believe in the andrastian afterlife and fearing that, if it did exist, she wouldn't "make it" to the same place as her parents and carver :/
34. how easily do they trust others with their secrets? with their lives?
sarenan and ranae trust almost no one with their secrets or their lives; it is very difficult to earn their full trust. conversely, zaniyah is pretty lenient with both, but in her defense, her life is in immediate danger less often than the rest of my ocs lol ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
alani doesn't really have secrets? she's pretty upfront, so the closest thing to her "hiding" something is when she doesn't find it pertinent to disclose (or, such as in orlais, she finesses with ~half truths~ and such). overall she's a pretty trusting person because of that, so she tends to trust people with helping/protecting her unless they give her reason not to
yall know that part in fleabag when she goes to the therapist and the therapist is basically like, you bluntly overshare about things that matter "less" so that you dont have to be open about the deep shit? that's maeve lmao (re: her life, she feels that one only really needs to prove themselves once or twice before she's willing to trust them to watch her back)
48. do they have any tattoos? what are the stories behind those tattoos?
ranae, zaniyah, and alani have their vallaslin ofc. ranae's is andruil bc she's a hunter, zaniyah's is ghilan'nain bc she likes halla lol, and alani's is dirthamen bc she is obsessed w learning :^) i like to think alani has other tattoos but im still working those out sldkjlsdjf
maeve has a couple, all of which she has gotten while drunk lol. one is a little mabari, obviously, and the other is a hawk (🥴 im sorry) for her family
sarenan has some stick n pokes from her time in the blight !! just little stuff (a flower, a little plant, a sun symbol, etc) mostly from zevran. she tries to talk alistair into getting some grey warden bestie matching tattoos but i havent decided yet if they actually do it lmao
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curlytemple · 4 years
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alrighty @scottspack here i am to show my ass 
top 10 ships tag! these aren’t “in order” but #1 is #1 
1. cory and topanga! (boy meets world) my very first thought when given this prompt, theyre the blueprint! they are just BABIEs when they meet and they already Know each other. i will not pretend that topanga didnt shape me into the kind of girl who wouldnt change one thing about herself for a boy, keep your legs hairy and your convictions strong! the way they grow together is enough to make me hate god for not giving ME a cory matthews. high school ski trip infidelity aside, theyre the first couple that made me think i could find a man. i was wrong but its nice to think about. 
2. kim possible and ron stoppable... the way the entire series is about kim being a wildly competent type A cheerleader AND teenage vigilante super spy and ron is her chilled out lame best friend who is Always there to help her save the day... please take a moment to listen to the jesse mccartney song why don’t you kiss her? that plays during the romantic climax of the kim possible movie, perfectly capturing the intense fear that comes with thinking about maybe finally kissing your best friend from preschool at your junior prom. 
3. tami and coach eric taylor (friday night lights) ...come on, y’all!!!! genuinely the most real relationship i have ever seen on screen. i don’t even know what to say other than that they are REAL. coach and tami are such a good couple that it doesn’t make any sense to me that their kid would have such a massive stick up her ass. i even tried an ‘empathize with julie’ rewatch, and while a lot of her teen angst is understandable and even relatable, she still seems so disconnected from her parents/dillon at the end of the show in a very unsatisfying way! coach and tami are the heart of fnl. and tim riggins.
4. belly conklin and conrad fisher (the summer i turned pretty trilogy by jenny han) bro.... when your mother’s dying wish is for you to care for your little brother, so when he has a little crush on the girl you are In Love With you bury your feelings and go to college far away because nothing is more important than their happiness, and they could be happy together! and years go by and theyre going to get married and youre set on being Happy For Them until you find out how much your brother has actually done to break her heart and her trust and then the thought of her settling for him is even more devastating than your true desire for her to settle for you.... WHEW! when you’ve been busy coming of age and trying to make it work with your best friend that isnt really right for you and then you find out his brother who you’ve been in love with your whole life turned into a distant asshole because the most important person in yalls lives taught him to be selfless and he over-corrected in his grief... BOY!! this one makes me feel like my heart is in my stomach.
5. SENSE8! can i just say all of it? everything and everyone? if you are bisexual and havent watched sense8 yet, this one is for us, baby! the ship is an interconnected web of LOVE AND TRUST. the pairings are endless. if i HAD to choose my fav, wolfgang and kala (and rajan <3) and i cant explain why i would pick them over anyone else, thats just what my pussy told me. but frankly i shouldnt have to choose, THEY ALL SHARE ONE CONSCIOUSNESS! ONE LOVE! 
6. david and patrick (schitt’s creek) you know the way we all feel like we aren’t enough and we’re Way Too Much.. dan levy really said hey guys? no offense but i think we might be capable of loving and even maybe Being Loved. the way patrick is all in on david rose from the moment he meets him, before he can even consider what that means about himself... the way they push each other out of their comfort zones and only get more comfortable with themselves and each other..  the way david’s abstract monochrome wardrobe fills with HEARTS AND RAINBOWS !!!!!! again, where’s my man? ANYWAYS, 
7. todd and rory (straight up) anna said this post is for romantic ships only and so I CAN AND WILL INCLUDE THEM. i don’t want to give any spoilers because i dont think tumblr has seen this yet, but when i say this is THE romcom of the year, perhaps of my life, trust!! todd is a gay man with a sex aversion who decides to try to date women and rory is the brilliant woman he actually falls in love with. sometimes soulmates dont fuck!!! maybe there are no rules to a good relationship besides mutual respect, understanding, and the undeniable desire to Be Together. i rest my case! 
8. drew barrymore and adam sandler  is this valid? again i dont know or care. i grew up on adam sandler movies and drew barrymore makes him better every time. they’ve only done 3 movies together, one of which i have not and will not see (2014 is just too cursed to return to) but even tho these two have never been a couple in real life their chemistry is so palpable that they consider each other the person they will grow old with on screen. if that’s not hollywood romance, i dont know what is! sorry to timothy olyphant but even drew says adam is The One. 
9. stef and lena adams-foster (the fosters) MOM AND MOMMA! listen, abc family shows are insane, but stef and lena make the drama worthwhile. their house full of teens is not perfect or easy, but never have i ever seen lesbian moms at the center of any media, let alone ones who thrive like they do when they communicate, support each other, and lead with love. this is a couple who chooses each other and their babies over and over again. its about putting in the work, having the tough conversations, and making the hard decisions because you care!!!!! 
10.  I DONT KNOW HOW TO END THIS, I LOVE LOVE! michael and alex! marshall and lily! steve and nancy AND jonathan! lizzie mcguire and gordo! rachel and griffin mcelroy! nick and jess! schmidt and cece! fleabag and the priest! amy pond and rory! river song and the doctor! ROSE and the doctor! MY MOM AND DAD!!!! mickey and ian! han and leia! johnny and gheorghe! princess bubblegum and marceline the vampire queen! jackie and kelso! jackie and HYDE! donna and eric! kitty and red! richie and eddie! jake and amy! brittany and santana! tim and tyra! JACK AND ENNIS! dj and steve! uncle jesse and aunt becky! aziraphale and crowley! bob and linda belcher! LARRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 
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merrrrrrrrry · 3 years
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I mean I dont find it possible in any way no matter the age or celebrity status. Even with people that its genuinely possible I'm like.. yeah like they're ever gonna like me and dont even try it. Its one of my faults..
Ahh you see this is where you got it wrong bc long haired harry is my son. Actually I wonder if you can guess the exact harry hairstyle that Is my "crush harry". This is a weird game but who cares we're doing it (if you want to of course)
No, we're not mutuals but i would love to be after this 🥰 if you dont mind too much untagged destiel on your dash that is. I reblog things in waves and havent heard of a tag in 4 years. I honestly wonder how people havent unfollowed me yet..
We actually celebrate in january. But christmas in december has become so mainstream in everyone's lives that I kinda feel like it is christmas here too. It kinda feels like everyone's excitement has already died down by the time comes for me to have presents and dinner and stuff 😂😂 . I do celebrate louis day.. that's kinda like Christmas especially this year cos I'm wearing the sweater and it feels like louis gifted it to me for louis day.
And here I am again forgetting what else I was supposed to say (I'm not opening in another browser cos I'm stubborn)
Are you excited for whatever Harry and Phoebe Waller Bridge have planned? I am SO excited. I just watched fleabag like 2 weeks ago so phoebe's face is still fresh in my brain 🥰🥰🥰
Happy louis day, lots of love, 💫💫💫
Oh god I relate to that so much but I also thinks it's true. There really is nothing attractive enough about me (and not just in the physical sense) for someone to want to be in a relationship, honestly. And also as an Indian I can't imagine even dating until like I'm 26 at least or something
Okay - this is kind of awkward reminds me of that time I had someone tell me they found my actual brother attractive akdjjamnbaannsns just kidding, how about this length?-
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Wait you celebrate a different festival in January or? It's kind of nice though becaytou can start celebrating on Louis day and keep going till January
I actually don't know who she is but I am very excited about something tpwk related for sure. And the fact that they have them wearing matching bottoms and similar tops with different jackets... the queerness of it all. And there were rumours there's dancing. I absolutely LOVE dance. I just...yeah.
Happy Louis day sweetheart
Hope you've been having a fantastic day 💕💕💕
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adagger · 4 years
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My thoughts on Fleabag and why i feel like every woman should see it (or more like, every human)
So, last week i spent two hours trying to find a place where i could watch fleabag. And when i finally did, oh boy, i was smitten. I thought that it was going to be one of those comedies from the US that kind of make me feel like shit but make me laugh. But, it make me yearn. And i dont know if many people feel like they are Fleabag. I had a "friendship break up" (is that even a thing???) with a my best friend of 10 years. And like Fleabag, i get horrible flashbacks. In the final episode of the first season, she walks drunk, while crying, knowing that her cafe was going backrup, and she is getting flashbacks about Boo and everything is so... vivid. And real. I remember failing a exam and crying in the bus (like full on crying, sobs and everything) and relating so hard. I always cry in public transport and is catarthic. Fleabag toches a lot of topics, like love, relationships, loniliness, feminimn. And the thing is, it does it in a way thats clever. It toches the pain that comes with adulhood and our struggle as humans and women. In season two she has this chat in a bar where they talk about pain, and how we as women feel pain all our lifes. Is felt like a hug, felt like someone saying "YOU FEEL PAIN BECAUSE YOU WERE BORN WITH IT". And when she goes to therapy and is just so real. And just, helpful. And she is full of love, and kindness. She is a very human character, and it is what makes her fantastic. Her relationship with her father is another thing i find amazing. I know more dads are... not that great. But i feel like, the awkarness i get from their relationship is close to the one i have with mine. It touches conections between sisters, and even thought i dont have a sister, it feels like it empashized on the importance of having women in our life. Another issue that i think makes fleabag so special is that she is in the road of self forgiveness ( that sometimes i feel is the hardest thing you can do), and i think that is the point of the last scene in the last episode of season 2, that letting us go, she is free. And as hot priest said "love give us hope". I honestly think everyone should see Fleabag. You can watch it in a day, and then just think about it for 2 years.
"I love you. It´ll pass"
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scige-archive · 4 years
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welcome 2 my twisted mind ex dee ?
PREFERRED NAME — james uwu
PRONOUNS — she/they
AGE — 20
TIMEZONE — est
HOW OFTEN ARE YOU ONLINE? — everyday all day usually hjfdnkmg
HOW DID YOU HEAR OF WATERSHED? — i actually first found lockwood while going through the recommended blogs on mobile when you search up things via it (i think it was ‘new rp’ tht i searched) n then the next i checked they’d gone ovr to watershed n then there were Other Things bt i didnt end up joining until a few weeks or like a month later impulsively n now its been many months n im still here BJDNSKFMG love u guys
DISCORD — sniff #3644 where im also always online
OTHER SOCIAL MEDIA YOU’D LIKE TO SHARE — musing @svrgcnts​ n my pinterest is ‘big tid’ or offbrandsodapop uuuhh i dont think theres anything else!
MYER-BRIGGS — infp turned istp we call tht character growth
HP HOUSE — i honestly dont know anymore ive gotten all of the houses before bt ive just taken a test n i got slytherin so like :///
ZODIAC — aquarius!
DO YOU BELIEVE IN ASTROLOGY? — not to the point where it dictates who i like / dislike
DO YOU ENJOY ASTROLOGY? — ya im a slut for when things tell me what im supposed to be like bc i dont have a sense of identity
HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU STARTED RPING ON TUMBLR — uh like 19 bt ive been rping since i was 10
WHAT YEAR WAS IT? — early 2018 so actually i might’ve been 18 for a lil bit DJNKFLG
NAME A RANDOM ROLEPLAY THAT STICKS OUT IN YOUR MEMORY — listen i’ve had many, many good experiences bt for some reason what came to mind first was a weird owner/slave smut rp tht i stumbled across (never joined bc im ... not like that) n i was just rly baffled by the concept even tho ik its a Thing bc i thought smut rps died out like in 2017 BJDNFKMG
WHAT WEIRD ANIMAL WOULD YOU HAVE AS A PET IF IT WAS REALISTIC — i want a fucking capybara
WHAT PET DO YOU GENUINELY CONSIDER GETTING SOMEDAY? — i want a cat even though im rly allergic to them
NAME THE FIRST SONG ON YOUR DISCOVER WEEKLY ON SPOTIFY OR THE FIRST SONG THAT COMES ON APPLE MUSIC / ITUNES SHUFFLE — the apocalypse made me brave by girlfriends
NAME A BOOK THAT YOU READ IN SCHOOL THAT YOU SURPRISINGLY LIKED — um probably like ,,, the crucible ,,,
NAME A BOOK YOU HATED THAT MOST PEOPLE LIKED — god i dont know i’m not hard to please bt i wont lie i also like ... didn’t finish half the books i was supposed to read in high school. of mice & men maybe ... i hated books that didn’t do much n just wrote a whole bunch of nothing even tho i like those books now ... i think bc they were for school ... outside of school i hated the hazelwood n i think that the grisha trilogy is a bit. weak. bt i love six of crows. n also the um. theres this one YA series tht i never read bt i can tell i dont like NJKSMDFFDG
WHAT TV SHOW DID YOU RECENTLY BINGE? WOULD YOU RECOMMEND IT? — schitt’s creek DSJKNFDGF um i’ve also been watching gossip girl a lot & also asoue & also also i just started watching um end of the f***ing world n its very good so ?? i watched the first episode of his dark materials n i liked it n i havent finished looking for alaska bt its also very good
WHAT FILM DID YOU LAST WATCH? DID YOU LIKE IT? — uuuhh i think it was scream tbh ??? and ya it was p swell
FAVOURITE QUOTE — im a slut for anne carson bt i cant name any quotes directly rn i have rocks for brains
LINK TO A VINE / TIK TOK / VIDEO THAT EXUDES YOUR ‘ENERGY’ — this immediately came to mind
DO YOU WRITE OUTSIDE OF RP? WHAT DO YOU WRITE? — i used to write outside of rp bt i havent in ages bt when i do its usually like modern magic / urban fantasy / whatevr those kinda elements n abt faeries bc i like faeries
THREE YOUTUBERS YOU STILL LOVE & TRUST — jenna marbles, micarah tewers, and uh ,,, claire frm bon apetit
A CELEBRITY CRUSH THAT JUST WON’T QUIT — cary elwes ... andrew scott ... anne hathaway ... first three tht came to mind
EVER MEET A CELEBRITY? SHARE YOUR STORY — no bt david dobrik was in miami and i was NOT and im UPSET bc i want his MONEY
WHAT’S YOUR PICTURE-PERFECT NIGHT? — i am not in pain. thats it thats all
A CONSPIRACY THEORY YOU KINDA BELIEVE IN — jeffrey epstein was murdered haha jk thats not a conspiracy theory thats FACTS
ARE ALIENS REAL? — ya sure why not
PLAY ANY PHONE GAMES? WHICH ONES? — lily’s garden please play im level 1241
PLAY ANY OTHER GAMES? WHICH ONES? — i played all the bioshock games n rly enjoyed them ... deponia the entire series which is still my favorite video game 2 this day
WHAT’S A FILM YOU LOVED WHEN YOU WERE YOUNG AND RECENTLY WATCHED, ONLY TO FIND OUT YOU DON’T ANYMORE — i never finished my rewatch of the golden compass bt thats just bc i didnt feel like finishing it uuuh ... i dont know i enjoy things too easily
DO YOU COLLECT ANYTHING? — buttons n seashells and rocks and flowers until theyre dead and then i collect dead flowers and then empty glass bottles that look kinda cool and jewelry boxes or tin containers and i used to kiss an index card every time i wore lipstick and kept it, i had over 100 filed away for no reason at all bt i lost them & then i also collect condoms :/
WHAT’S SOMETHING YOU WANT TO LEARN MORE ABOUT BUT YOU’RE TOO LAZY? — i wna learn how 2 make jewelry n like ,,, embroidery bt i know how to embroider i just wanna get back into it n i wna learn like. knowledge. academic stuff too bt im also too lazy and im just a dumb old horse so :/
THREE LANGUAGES YOU DON’T SPEAK, BUT WISH YOU COULD — italian n french n ig spanish too
MOVIE YOU’VE WATCHED MORE THAN 5 TIMES — shrek ? austin powers ? princess diaries / elle enchanted ?? halloweentown n all the sequels ??
NAME A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM TV/FILM/MOVIE/GAME/BOOK THAT YOU FIND YOURSELF PROJECTING ON / YOU RELATE TO — shawn spencer frm psych, veronica mars, penelope garcia frm criminal minds, mike myers’ cat in the hat, dr. evil frm austin powers bt also his son scott evil, scooby doo probably, daria ??? i relate to my dog bodhi :/ puddles the clown
IS THERE ANY MEDIA (BOOK/MOVIE/GAME/TV SHOW) YOU FEEL CHANGED YOU IN SOME WAY? — six of crows / fleabag / deponia theyve all made me cry before bt like. continuously cry.
DO YOU FOLLOW ANY SPORTS? WHO DO YOU ROOT FOR? — no.
HOBBIES BESIDES WASTING AWAY HERE? — um. redacted
PLUG A TV SHOW / MOVIE / BOOK / VIDEO GAME / ETC… YOU WISH MORE PEOPLE WOULD CHECK OUT — big fish directed by tim burton go stare at danny devito’s bare ass do it do it do it i never even finished the movie i dont think BJNSKDMLFG
TEAM EDWARD OR JACOB? (IF NOT APPLICABLE, WHO DO YOU LIKE MOST IN THE TWILIGHT SERIES) — edward
LAST MOVIE SEEN IN THEATRE — um thts rly hard bc i dont know bt i have a ticket so let me just check ,,, the joker i went n saw the joker
DO YOU STILL READ FOR FUN? — occasionally bt i dont have motivation so
IF SO, WHAT ARE YOU CURRENTLY READING? — n/a BDKFJ
ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW MUCH DID YOU HATE FILLING THIS OUT? – 5 bt thats just bc im not feeling gr8 today
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hipsterfrankcastle · 5 years
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ok i got tagged in this TWICE by the lovely @carry-the-sky and @heidiamalia so let’s goooo
1. how tall are you? 5′8
2. what color and style is your hair?
Currently like a weird.... gingery brown vibe.... the style is what i like to call “poorly box died”. but im like an anime protagonist my hair has been a lot of dumb colours
3. what color are your eyes?
hazel
4. do you wear glasses?
yep!
5. do you wear braces?
not any more
6. what is your fashion style?
weird mix of incredibly formal workwear worn at casual occasions and like..... someone from an ivy park fashion shoot who can’t afford to buy actual ivy park. idk. athleisure shit. but mostly jeans and t-shirts these days seeing as i NEVER LEAVE THE HOUSE
7. full name? not today, satan
8. when were you born? 1995
9. where are you from and where do you live now? i grew up in the southwest of england. still here....
10. what school do you go to?
uni of york
11. what kind of student are you?
oh man. i am the Most. v extra. i used to study too much. 
12. do you like school? uh Hell Yeah. i like structure, organised fun, being surrounded by my pals. i try not to nostalgise it tho because there were times i was very very stressed out. why do we put so much pressure on teenagers?? good lord. uni sucked ass but i liked the actual study side of it (masters im coming for you!!)
13. what are your favourite school subjects?
english lit (shocking no one), philosophy and ethics, drama (even tho i sucked ass), history
14. favorite TV shows? too many. the hour and in the flesh are all time faves. i looooove us sitcoms i’ve watched the office maybe 13 times through. maybe more, actually. parks and rec, brooklyn 99, 30 rock (great news was such a severely underappreciated tina fey classic). fleabag. broadchurch, black mirror, the handmaid’s tale blehhhh i could go on for hours.
15. favorite movies? im just going to put 2 because otherwise we will be here for days. the darjeeling limited and joe wright’s pride and prejudice. oh wait. no and the new world. and days of heaven. can’t miss my boy malick off there. 
16. favorite books? UHHH a little life (all time fave please read but maybe google some trigger warnings or ask me about it), my year of rest and relaxation, the english patient, the secret history (basic lol), stoner.... tHERE’S TOO MANY.
17. favorite pastime? i like walking my dogs. spending time with my dogs. taking photos of my dogs. other things that don’t include my dogs like watching movies (duh), writing, reading, recently gotten into film photography. im realising now this question didnt ask for a list oop moving on
18. do you have any regrets? yeah. my uni degree. quitting my job (one of those ones where you know it’s what was best for you at the time but now, looking back, it SUCKS). oh. yeah. deciding to lose two stone in the space of five minutes and developing an eating disorder and HAVING TO QUIT MY JOB. that’s a big one. not going to the editing lab with a guy the morning after we kissed. that one felt like a sliding doors situation. 
19. dream job? baker. book editor. pro dog walker.  im realising all of these are fairly achievable. 
20. would you like to get married someday? nope nope nope!! well. maybe. if i find someone REALLY good.
21. would you like to have kids someday? hahahahahahahah no.
23. do you like shopping? yes but im trying to less because capitalism is a scourge and im trying to unlearn its various teachings including how our shopping habits make us feel/how the fashion industry affects body image. plus it’s terrible for the environment. shout out to my therapist for teaching me all this shit.
24. what countries have you visited? a lot of europe (holland germany belgium spain france poland scotland italy greece that’s not a lot actually), USA, australia, new zealand. i wanna hit california next cause ive been to new york twice now.
25. what’s the scariest nightmare you’ve ever had? ermmmmm oh man. uhh. i have a lot of horrible nightmares bcos ---trauma lmao. cant think of one standout one.
26. do you have any enemies?
quentin tarantino. OH and this one girl on my film course at uni. she doesn’t know that we’re enemies. but we are. 
27. do you have an s/o?
hahahahahhahahahah
28. do you believe in miracles? uh. no? dont think so. im not very spiritual, but i do believe sometimes that the universe sends you signs (even if really it’s just your brain trying to tell you something your subconscious is trying to tell you by interpreting the world around you a certain way)
thank you so much for the tags. i love talking about myself as you can tell. i think everyone i know has been tagged so. if you’re reading this. you’re tagged!
also if anyone ever has any questions about any details of my personal life. ask me. i will tell you anything. like i said. loooove talking about myself. 
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theskyexists · 5 years
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Fleabag
ok that sweater pull is just
that got me 
the way that was set up
i can't really stop laughing
but what comes after is just aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa too knife edge for me really
my favourite relationship is already the one with her sister
fleabag wow she is a disaster. i always used to think - at least im not dysfunctional in that way. then i used to think, yeah but there's big advantages to it because you can lash shit out and away from you and idk fake it until you make it - coping for independence babey. but now im like nope. being that ragged and defensive and incapable of yielding at the right time or fix things sucks.
this rabbit teeth man apparently can hold a conversation all on his own.
this is fascinating because this woman i so extremely different from me it's insane. she just - what a dick oh my god hahahaha. she feels like she fucked up at being closer with her sister, hangs out with some dude she doesn't really like, has a horrible time, steals money, feels guilty over rejecting him and stealing from him, so tries to blame him and project on him for being a dick and get it all over with fakely. not to say that he isn't a dick. financial insecurity is a TRIP of mental bandwidth going narrower and narrower i imagine. (edit: oh and yeah grief)
no good deed goes unpunished lol
woah she can't be vulnerable with anyone? oh she did it. but then her dad is an idiot who deflects her one attempt with humour. wow this dude. well she instantly does payback. omg it's olivia colman. this dialogue is searing. it's not even that they were sleeping, it's just that they dont fuckin want her there. 'look after yourself' - yeah the point is that she came here for somebody to look after HER.
this is fucking DRAMA
makes perfect sense to me that she'd steal that statue though. by that time it's like why the fuck not nobody fuckin cares about me anyway im beholden to no one hey
so the one person she had a good relationship with ACCIDENTALLY killed herself. yikes. YIKES
im liking the bi vibes
damn all the men in this series are.........awful. lol
she really lives on the edge doesn't she. why seek out a confrontation with olivia colman that just seems like punching above your weight.
every single of her romantic options are SHIT. except possibly the girl in the sex shop but i guess that one's not real.
what the fuck.
allllll the men in this series are awful??? so far. fuckin FUCK!!!
so what im getting from this is that the whole series spins on the thwarted potential for fleabag to connect with her sister be vulnerable, and gain a smithereen of acknowledgement?
WHY.
god woman love yourself and kick the guy in the nuts again verbally like he deserves. like, make him fuck off oh my god. stop playing nice!!!!!
though i am kind of liking how this show has so many sex scenes but they're played pretty realistically but none of em make me feel disgusted. guess it's cos of the subjectivity that goes into it.
she pet the guinea pig! first step in recovery??
god i love her and claire's relationship but like. they're both totally not okay lol.
but they do seem to be the only ones who consistently get the truth out of each other
well wow this series does go There.
why is it that everytime she makes claire laugh she cries?? what is going on??? ah god i LOVE THESE TWO
why is every single fuckin man in this show pretty much awful (except possibly i suppose the man trying genuinely to be better at better man camp)
at end of the season: can't believe he was the one good man in this goddamn show. 
---- intermission ----
im just so fucking angry about this last episode of fleabag
so goddamn fucking furious
by how every single fucking person in her life abandons and betrays her!!!
but most of all her goddamn fucking DAD - he KNOWS that he wronged them for  fucking hooking up with their GODMOTHER, he KNOWS that his fucking wife is a monster to them - he’s right THERE when she says these horrible things to her, he SEES her SLAP HER, and he won’t fucking support her in ANY way - not emotionally, not financially (when he should know and DOES know that that cafe is all she has left of her friend), and then he has the AUDACITY to blame HER!!! HER!!!! for ‘fucking him up’??!??!!
when he basically JUST told her to FUCK OFF out of his life?? and then she’s nice to him??? she apologises to him??? he deserves to get punched out! he deserves to get screamed at
her sister betrays her and blames her for her best friend’s death?? leaves her humiliated and completely alone in the world when she’s just looking out for her?
AFTER she’s lost her best friend in the world with intense guilt issues?
she cannot rely on anyone - ANYONE. she’s right about that - and that’s the most devastating thing. but i feel like she needs to scream at them - stop pushing it down, stop keeping up appearances, stop stop stop.
show your pain.
makes me think her childhood was also one where she could never count on support, or a listening ear, or trust, or belief, after their mother died.
i can barely continue. this is the LAST episode. she’s clearly valued by fucking no one. are they trying to recreate - like, show how Boo felt? that maybe if you hurt yourself, then they may finally fucking CARE?
wow i was right.
well i suppose he did save her life
and…this total stranger….did more for her than any of the people that were supposed to care for her.
-------end
anyway. when love is scarce, you take anything you get. that's fleabag.
i wish she could cut out every motherfucker that betrayed her in that last episode. i know her sister is going to be a big character next season - but i will find it enormously hard to forgive her. BECAUSE she was the one person who cared for her, supported her, was real with her, appreciated her - and the other way round. that betrayal is worse than anything (apart from the dad's betrayal - he deserves to burn in hell, not get apologised to)  im sure fleabag will just let it go. like she seems to let everything go - every single goddamn insult and humiliation and hurt that other people put her through.
she never addresses any of it outright - never. never does she call people out. she internalises everything. she internalises even! 'i fucked up my family' NO YOU FUCKING DIDN'T
she cleans up the things she shattered? the most frustrating thing. they hurt her but she never dares to hurt them back - not really. she doesn't even dare show her pain or anger.
but the end is life-affirming af. and phoebe waller bridge did that very right.
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pasta-and-hedgehogs · 2 years
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Hello my not so real loyal fans I know you have been so desperate for a new update. So how have I been feeling? Vengeful? Hateful? Spiteful? Idk at this point like I'm just at the point where I dont like myself but im taking it in the fleabag sort of way is it another facade yes but atleast im not trying to please everyone anymore. I havent seen anyone in college as its been a week off but me and 🦎 went out it was very fun honestly like it was nice to feel like they actually enjoy the time they spend with me and like I feel like they would tell me if they are just tolerating me but here I go with the constant whiney selfdoubting its so fucking annoying but it just comes out like word vomit. My main thing is im so worried that 🌌 will tell ⛪ that I like him im going to tell her straight up just if you tell him that I liked him it will be the end of our friendship which I dont want to happen honestly I just cant put up with how being friends with her feels like if I say one thing wrong that she doesnt like or do somthing that she doesnt agree with then she wont tell me she will just slag me off to whoever she wants to do the same to in a month but I dont know if that is a true or valid thought or if im just blinded by jealousy and envy and coveting. I feel like im letting (to quote Kylie sonique love) my hurt inner child make the adult decisions, Honestly my first reaction is like if she tells him im going to cause shit and tell everyone she slags off what she has said about them to them and then just be alone and continue to hurt myself (emotionally) honestly like I always feel like this but then when I spend time with her shes really nice and fun I've almost convinced myself that she secretly doesnt like me and slags me off. Im dealing with so much bullshit that I just dont know how to handle it all while being this nice little therapist friend and just like I know no-one but me can validate me but i dont even like myself how can I find external validation now. Also I really think im pan romantic or somthing like that because I get like these romantic crushes and I honestly dont know if im just developing these just in hopes that someone gives me validation or attention. To summarise in a few songs, Teen idle by Marina, Liability by Lorde and Dealer by Lana Del Rey. Also tried to manifest on twos day(22/2/22) but it was rushed because i was having to multitask by listen to 💍 complain about not having a vape (which I dont mind), me being sad and having to imagine what I want for myself in the future I think it was ok but not the best that it could be oh well 🙃😐🥲
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pullupachairluton · 4 years
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Day One and Two
Hello. I’m Alex and I’m in Luton for the next 26 days. I’m a little late to starting to write this blog and I’m catching up on day one …  on day two of the residency. I’ve been procrastinating. How do I start? (the classic line) How do I talk about what I am doing, have seen, and have felt?! I’ve been thinking a lot and writing is a lot slower than thinking… It’s hard to start.
I have never written a blog. I write emails, essays, applications, and text messages. I’m used to writing really quickly or really slowly with a long time to edit. I don’t know what my blog voice is.
I’m going to start with a list of statements.
I am in Luton for 28 days I have a schedule that I must follow I must write about my experiences every day I am partnered with an organisation called Revoluton Quiet Down There has commissioned me to do this project with Revoluton I am staying in an Air B and B in which all the rooms in house are Air B and B rooms There is an artwork hanging in my room that says ‘stay wild’ There is a noisy road outside my window I have a miniature kitchen in my room I think I will have a lot of ideas for art projects I have already been late for two things on the schedule (arriving in Luton and watching the film tonight) I want to be disciplined to write. I have got an interview on Tuesday via Skype with another residency I am thinking about 5 other projects I am thinking about applying for another project while I’m here I will miss my boyfriend and my life in London. I will turn 35 next Sunday 1st March I am really glad I have a phone and can ring my friends and family I have got a minor obsession with the Netflix show Sex Education and it was really hard for me to not watch it when I arrived back from the day today. It is also good that I am away and I can watch it all, as my boyfriend didn’t really like it so now I can watch as much as I want without compromising and watching something else. I am really happy I bought some food today on a break in my schedule so I can make packed lunches. How honest should I be in this writing? How can this writing be helpful? How do I want this writing to be received? What’s the point of this writing? Do I write and make notes whilst I am at events? Do I write the blog in my breaks in the schedule? I have a bike that I love, and I brought it from London where I live. I have some bungee cords to tie bags onto the rack of the bike and I used this for my food shopping earlier. I live on a boat on the river lea. The river lea also runs through Luton I am an artist who also is an educator I teach on a foundation course in art I see workshops as art practice Revoluton have asked me to research the theme of ‘joy’ I am interested in political potential of joy I brought several books with me. They are Dancing in the Streets A History of Collective Joy by Barbara Ehrenreich, Akenfield by Ronald Blythe, Being Ecological by Timothy Morton, and The Old Ways by Robert Macfarlane I am wondering how to write this I am a middle class artist who lives in London Why should I be a voice for experience of Luton? What do I have to contribute? Is it easier to write about somewhere if you don’t live there? Writing lists is easier than writing paragraphs I think structure will be good for me, and am happy that I have a schedule for the next month I think I’ll go to things that I may not normally go to I think writing this will be a challenge I am exploring what it might mean to be present in a place and how the internet affects my relationship to place I am looking forward to learning something new about myself I have a Skype conversation tonight about another project with a friend
I studied a BA in social anthropology and the question of who is writing about who and what is it for came up a lot. Social anthropology as a discipline is rooted in a history of colonialism (to write about is to dominate and was used as a tool to do so). After university I travelled and wanted to create projects exploring place yet I was conscious of the problematics of a singular voice writing or making work about place - particularly as a passing through traveller. I started a project called The Knowledge Shop, which was a mobile workshop space set up in public spaces in which I invited passers by to draw a picture about the place we were in. Drawings from other places I had travelled to were also shown in the space. I wanted to not use spoken or written language (particularly English language) and I wanted to explore how drawing might express things that words may not. I also wanted to show multi authority viewpoints on a place. http://alexandraparry.co.uk/index.php/project/the-knowledge-shop/
Here I am 12 years later in Luton with a blog aware of this platform given to me to talk about my experiences. I’ve been grappling with this. So I’m going to include writing about myself that I wouldn’t normally share. Perhaps this a fair exchange because I am publicly writing about a place, and therefore I should do the same to myself?
DAY ONE I arrived in Luton It’s really windy and my bag feels heavy. I’ve got one bag on my back and another strapped to the bike I don’t know the roads and they are busy Is it going to be easy to cycle here? There’s a beautiful church. It’s chequered and surprising opposite a huge mall. I’m tired as last night my boyfriend opened a café and I stayed too late. I already feel behind and I’ve just started. Are people friendly in Luton? Of course they are! But I don’t know anything and its dark and my battery is running low on my phone.
I arrive at my Air B and B, codes for the room and front door. It has very white walls, and there is an artwork in my room saying ‘stay wild’. Its warm and I immediately feel raggedy in my clothes, which probably smell of wood smoke, probably have a stain and a hole. I am very happy I have a house shower! Not a boat shower! I meet Marta, a Polish woman who is in the UK about to do an acting course in London and she lives in the property more permanently - she is not Air B and B’ing . She is incredibly friendly and she has her friend round in the kitchen. It feels good to have a conversation and hear about what she is doing. 
I’m already late, so I leave to walk to the hotel near by. I call my boyfriend on the walk over there. I have been asked by the schedule to buy a coffee and cake but they don’t have cake so I buy a tea and my dinner. I write a letter to QDT as requested. It’s a slightly rambling letter about my hopes for the residency, but it feels good to write. In the background is Saturday night entertainment TV. It's brilliant. It’s a competition about dance and I recognise the host singer Alesha but I dont know the show. There is a sound clash of music as some other music is playing in the bar. But I’m loving the TV. I think this is joyful. I love this genre of TV. The genre of TV where people who aren’t famous show their talents. Masterchef, Bake Off, and Goggle Box (well I think so). They are all brilliant dancers in this show. I feel really good. I see people arriving, lots of groups of people. I think people are excited about coming to the hotel. Its quite glamorous and there’s a spa. I love seeing people dressed up, lipstick … perfume. I sit on my own suddenly conscious I am sitting on a table meant for 5.  I’ll move if a group needs the table. I’m happy in the bar. I made it to Luton! I’m writing the letter. I’m doing the task. Drinking tea. Eating dinner.
Back in the Air B and B I watch 3 episodes of Sex Education on Netflix. It’s difficult to stop watching it. Its 11pm – I know I need to stop watching.
DAY TWO
I get dressed for the day. I know from the schedule that I’m going to a church and a classical music concert today. This is what I decide to wear.
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The Church The church is a very beautiful building. A historic gem I saw it when I cycled here I wonder if I can take my coffee in. Someone greets me I know the church space - what it feels like to be in one. I don’t feel nervous about going in. I go inside and take a seat near the front Powerpoint is on. The vicar looks tired. There was a youth lock-in last night. I think they stayed up all night. He said his head feels a bit fuzzy My head feels fuzzy I reflect on how the message of love goes beyond religion. I think of my friend who was a Christian for so many years and has trauma from being told that non-believers like me were going to hell amongst other things. I think of how sad this is. It’s difficult to reconcile the two images/ideas/feelings I have in my head about Church. I think perhaps all versions of church exist at the same time. I think of how nice it is that there are so many ages of people here old and young There is a rock band playing hymns? A boy dances in the isles People open their palms out to the sky I don’t really understand what they are saying. I find it hard to concentrate. I make recordings and write, feeling self-conscious at my removal from being in the place. The writing becomes a means to separate My observation becomes a way of separation Thinking about separation makes me feel anxious I think of how wonderful it is to go weekly to something where your spiritual values are shared with others I think of how I would like to have a place to go to do this, which isn’t a religious space but is communal. Some people talk about how they have a place in which they can feel a connection with spirit/god/something beyond than the material world, but if you are not religious, perhaps this space is often an individual space, it isn’t shared. I think it is sad that it isn’t shared. I think about future projects. I think about a project Sam Jacob did about creating a space intended to explore death, loss, and grieving I think about Fleabag. Perhaps that has got some people coming to church that wouldn’t normally come? The hour and half is so well performed and curated. Many people take the stage. The rock band plays 3 songs. There are different voices and personalities all playing a part. The vicar gets annoyed that the person controlling the Powerpoint is not keeping up. It’s quite nice to see the vicar getting annoyed. There is no communion non-alcoholic wine because of coronavirus I see a guy who put his hand up when asked a question about a passage in the Bible is on his phone a lot. He looks like he’s on Twitter but perhaps there is religious pictures he is looking at. I can’t really tell but I’m intrigued by how much he is using the phone, and also how knowledgeable about Christianity he is. The church has tried to be accommodating spatially. There is a good baby area at the back with toys to play with.
The service ends. The man who greeted me asks why I’m there. He asks is it for historical reasons? I say yes. He kindly shows me on a small tour around the church, talking me through historically significant artefacts. It is historically significant but I can’t remember what he says. I’m sorry - I should have written it down. I leave the church.
It’s a windy Sunday in town. I go to the supermarket on my bike and stock up on a few meals. The Lidl is very good here. I then make my way to Wardown House, Museum and Gallery for the concert. I love bike lanes. And I can get there via a park. It’s very beautiful. There seems to be a lot of green spaces in Luton.
Wardown House is very beautiful. There are beautiful trees outside. There are historical figures talking out of portraits in the rooms on digital screens. There are some families visiting. Sunday activity. I go and have tea and sit down to reread my letter I wrote yesterday. Its so scrawly written I wonder whether QDT will be able to read it. I try to make it more clear by adding dots on I’s and crosses on T’s. I relax in the calm room. It’s very beautiful. I really enjoy my earl grey tea. There is a very nice floor here. Mostly people here are people probably over 70, perhaps with their children or friends. It’s a day out place. I look around the cabinets, snapping what’s there. I have never taken so many pictures of things. I feel like I’m using the camera instead of my eye. I wonder whether people who are really into Instagram do the same thing all the time. The concert. I think I’m bored as a starting point. Then I try to be present. Am I bored? No I’m not. It’s a space to relax and Harpsichordist Terence Charlston who is leading the concert is very good. He explains things in-between songs, he gives each song and the composer context. He is interesting and passionate and calm. He chooses compositions by several women. Jacquet de la Guerre. A song called The Mysterious Barricades. I love this. People seem to like this. Its hard to know exactly what people think but gentle smiles and a positive feeling suggest people really like it. A quiet joy? I write down my codes for the air b and b again on a different piece of paper Gentle afternoon. I close my eyes. Sitting in the drawing room. Light blue walls. Lots of complex cornicing work on the ceiling. I can go into my own head space. Half hour break! Lovely. I explore the museum. Different things catch my eye. Hat industry. Material Culture. If this museum was not to exist what would happen to all these objects? Do people really engage though? Do people feel this is important? Is this just another trip for people - a tick box thing to do? I think I have felt like that a lot in musuems. Right now I try to appreciate what I am seeing and experiencing. I love seeing the straw plait work from the hat industry - famously from Luton and some embroidery by different young people. There is one with these words,
‘In time of wealth protecting power
From pride and every ill defends
And in afflictions keenest hour
Be thou our comforter
and friend’
I dont really understand what they are saying, but it seems pertinent to contemporary life. Wealth and Power. I notice that it was a child that made it, and marvel at the changing of skills through generations. What young peopels creativity is today. I’m confident that there are many young people saying as profound today - but in another form. 
There is a painting in the drawing room of the Town Hall on fire. I read about it upstairs. It happened on Peace Day in 1919 and happened because of rising tensions due to food shortages and the first world war, and as the information panels says some shopkeepers ‘gave preference to wealthy customers. Poorer women had to queue for hours. While soldiers were fighting and dying for their country, other people were making a profit from the War’.  It is a shocking picture of the Town Hall in flames painted by an artist M WJ Roberts. Now its sitting in the drawing room near to portrait of a young ballerina and a painting by the Nigerian painter and sculptor Ben Enwonwu. It’s a conflicting mix of images. 
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On my way out I overhear that there is a suffragette dress here. I’m too shy to ask so I google whether there is one. 
This has taken me so long to write. I don’t know what I thought but its 11.15pm now. I didn’t have time to watch the film set for me called ‘Blinded by the Light’. I hope there is time to watch another time. Sorry!  I may need to change my approach to writing. I guess I should write in my breaks in the day. I’m going to try a different approach tomorrow.
LASTLY I said that I was going to stop using the internet whilst I was here on residency. I haven’t done that yet. But I have decided as a first act towards this, I will document my internet browsing history from today. This is what I have been thinking of when I haven’t been present. 
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