#existing is exhausting

[krystalkoldstone]

I wish I knew what to do with my life, what to do with my heart… I do nothing all day, boredom settles in, I look at the sky so I get to feel even smaller than I already feel and my mind keeps poisoning itself uselessly.

— Sylvia Path, the unabridged journals of Sylvia path

#teenagers #poetry #relatable stuff #words #quotes #young poets #relatable quotes #teen poetry #life #reality #existing is exhausting #existing is hard #existence is a curse #confusion #sylvia path #the unabridged journals of sylvia plath #boredom #sad life #depressing shit #mentally fucked

[heythereimb]

The Month I was Never Meant to See

Hey there I'm B. I have sarcoma. If you're reading this, it's December.

I know to most people that doesn't mean a whole lot beyond the holidays. This month for me is surreal in many ways.

Earlier this year, I learned that the cancer I had was misdiagnosed. I was given a new terminal diagnosis of stage 4 sarcoma. If I decided to stop treatment and go into hospice care, I wasn’t expected to see Christmas of the same year.

I chose to continue to persue treatment to, at the very least, hopefully prolong my life.

Staring down the barrel of this month is horrifying. Every day of it is one I wasn’t supposed to see. Then again every day of it feels like it could be the last. It's this sickening mix of pride and panic.

This is a time I didn’t expect to see. Even with treatment. Every day I wake up is a relief but also fills me with fear. Yes I woke up today but what about tomorrow?

With the way things are looking for me, this fear can be considered almost irrational. Yes I'm sick, yes I'm weak, but I'm also going through treatment. Treatment that has me on a trajectory for recovery.

So why am I still experiencing this fear?

The simple answer is trauma. I was given a time limit for how long I'll live. Once you've been told that, you can't unhear it. It’s impossible to forget the time you shouldn't be here to see. This time where you weren't expected to be alive. It's a sureal and hard to explain experience. I feel like I'm in the back of a store or wandered into a construction zone. It's a feeling of wrongness, of "I'm not supposed to be here". I'm out of place in my own life.

So here I am. In the month I was never meant to see. Crawling my way through it in disbelief. I won't be able to relax until I've made it out the other side.

Until next time

Cross-post from Reddit

#im so anxious #im giving myself stomach ulcers #existing is exhausting #cancer #cancer patient #cancer awareness #cancer patients #technoblade #technoblr #heythereimb #dsmp techno

[creatingnikki]

So sad today

Let's be honest with ourselves. The truth is I don't bloody know. But the world expects you to always have an answer so you make these narratives up that make the most sense. But then after a point it all doesn't align and it doesn't feel alright. You're confused and sad. You're empty and yet you feel such heaviness. You want and you want to unwant and that too is a want because wants are endless. Human behaviour digusts you but you also are human. Capitalism gets to you but you are so deep in it yourself. What are the boundaries? If I knew then I would maintain them. But the truth is I don't know. See the world in shades of Grey but are you just over complicating things and seeing what doesn't even exist? ALL THIS EXISTENTIALISM WONT DO YOU ANY GOOD. Go learn a life skill that can be exchanged for money that can be exchanged for good food and used to pay rent and buy clothes that allow you to fit in this society. Yes, you're poisoned by this world and no amount of unlearning is ever going to make you pure again. And that is why the peace you feel is so transitory. Withdraw yourself and go crazy. Immerse yourself and yet you will go crazy. All I know is oranges are making me feel okay right now as is water as is the idea of going to sleep. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe all I want to do is never wake up. Maybe all I want is to wake up and be seven again. Not because I didn't feel all of this then but only it would still be years before I would process any of it. Even seventeen would be fine. The confidence and angst and idealism I was full of then kept me going. Now all I have are fruits and waiting for the seasons to change and avoiding the rush hour traffic to and from work. Little joys and little victories in a world full of endless little miseries.

#fmllllll #writerscreed #poetryportal #poeticstories #inkstay #spilled ink #writers on tumblr #poets on tumblr #mental health #mentally exhausted #mental breakdown #capitalism #existing is exhausting #exhausted af #it’s exhausting #힘들어 #spilled thoughts #existentialism #existential musings #existential quotes #tw existential #creatingnikki

[helena-bottom-farter]

#sailor moon #relatable #nostalgia #teenaged nostalgia #existing is exhausting

[endlessmidnights]

Why do I exist?

#mentally drained #why cant i do anything right #mental health #sorry for being depressing #i hate me so much #tw depressing thoughts #depressing shit #tw depressing stuff #mental problems #anxitey #tw sui ideation #tw sui implied #let me disappear #why do i exist #i don’t want to exist anymore #existing is exhausting #stuck in my head #high functioning anxiety #high functioning depression #please end my suffering #existing sucks #what is the point #there is no point #i should sleep #please let me die #can i die yet? #mentally exhausted #mentally fucked #very unstable #psych ward

[when-november-ends]

i have so much shame around the fact that, because of my adhd and depression, the apartment my mom and i live in looks like a trash dump.

my mom works full time in health care which is exhausting so i understand why she doesn't do much when she comes home.

i, however, am unemployed, not in school, etc. i have the whole day to do something, clean up even just for five minutes.

but i can't.

right now it's 1:18am and we're doing the dirty dishes that have been standing on the stove, in the sink and on the kitchen table for weeks.

we didn't cook in that time, we only ate out.

i hate living like this, but i can't help myself.

and the reason im putting this on the internet right now, even though the shame is almost too much to handle, is so that maybe someone out there who is in a similar situation realizes: they're not alone.

don't shame people if they open up to you about that kind of thing.

and don't feel ashamed for something you have no control over.

it's okay not to be okay.

#adhd #neurodivergent #depression #spoonie #mental health #mental health matters #burnout #mental breakdown #mentally ill #mentally exhausted #existing is exhausting #exhausting

[apersononearth011]

Tell my why at school one lesson (1 hour 40 minutes, it’s long ik) feels like a whole day?? And then I have to do two more lessons??? And socialise at break and lunch?? And then I’m expected to go home and do homework and study and do stuff to relax?? WHERE DO PEOPLE FIND THE FUCKING TIME?

I’m losing my mind istg

#existing is exhausting #i’m so tired

[iamnotapalindrome]

"Money can't buy happiness."

No, but it can buy being alive, which is kind of an important precursor.

#existing is exhausting #fuck capitalism #fuck the US medical system #fuck platitudes #eat the rich

[the-withering-system]

I've been out three minutes but I'd like to go home now

#existing is exhausting #especially in public #masking is so annoying #austism #not like wearing masks

[theshadowords]

The fact that I exist is kinda not very obvious.

#existentialism #is weird #just existing #existential dread #funny shit #life #life quotes #existing is exhausting

[melancholybat]

Wonderworld chose Qui to become a Maestro, an incredibly important task that helps fix the hearts of many, and the first thing he does is ask for a bed to sleep all day. The day the Maestros questioned Wonderworld.

#balan wonderworld #balan wonderworld oc #wonderworld positivity #oc #balan #quiescent #i feel him tho #existing is exhausting

[alasy]

i miss been taken care of

#I'm so tired #existing is exhausting

[thegaythespian]

going to fucking murder student financial services and the whole global economic system and the us higher education system and everything ever and myself augghhhh

#thespian ramblings #it’s fine I’m fine just frustrated #existing is exhausting

[notinterestedplss]

can’t i just be a girl on tumblr dot com

#existing is exhausting #femcel #not by choice #girl interrupted

[lordgroose]

happy new year! mortgage went up by $170 🙃

#personal #existing is exhausting

[yuzu-all-the-way]

There isn't enough time in the day for me to do all the free-time stuff I want to do, nor all the non-free-time productive/adult stuff I have to do

#random #existing is exhausting