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addictings · 2 years

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It is so disappointing when you believe someone is going to be with you for the rest of your life, then all of a sudden they aren’t there for you anymore. I’ll always admire and support them from afar, but I wish I could be close to them again.

— strangers with memories (2022)

#mine #unsent texts #drunk texts #mentally done #sometimes we need to move on from what is not for us #excerpt from my life #excerpt from a letter i'll never send #excerpt from a story i'll never finish #excerpt from my diary #excerpt from a book i'll never write #writers on tumblr #female writers #bad friends #unsupportive friends #miss you #friendship breakups #breakup #heartbreak

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fiammaeterna · 9 months

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00:41, 07.30.21

i see you everywhere i go

no matter how hard i try i can’t escape you

you’re always in my mind, not a day goes by where i don’t think of you, and it’s slowly killing me

i don’t think i’ll escape you until i’m across the country

in a new town, a new state, three thousand miles away from you and everywhere i have memories of you

but until then, i will think of you, and i will continue to delude myself with the multiverse theory

#eke #rd #spilled ink #excerpt from a letter i'll never send #spilled poetry #lost love #unrequited love #actually bipolar #actuallytraumatized #bipolar type 2 #actually mentally ill

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letterstomonkey · 6 months

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Hi friends! I am super excited to say that I can now connect with you all on my official Instagram @letterstomonkey !!!!!

I am extremely hopeful that this will be an easier means for me to converse with you guys, share some of the other poets/people that inspire me, and expand my connections within this beautiful online community.

I am so thankful and proud of how far Letters to Monkey has come.

Thank you for reading me.

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mercylikestowrite · 25 days

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the most fucked up thing religion taught me was to forgive people who don’t deserve to be forgiven. i will not cry my eyes out an an alter praying to forgive a disgusting human being ever again. it’s a total brain wash to have these kids vulnerable and then to prey on that vulnerability is even beyond me. i will not forgive him and i never will and that’s how i truly believe it has to be. i will not turn the other cheek when my first one was destroyed. i will not forgive him for something that he’s not sorry about.

#mywriting #lesbian #writing #gay #literature #excerpt from a letter i'll never send #quotes #hurtquotes #im hurtin #religious trauma #lgbt literature #literary quotes #i can’t forgive.

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wannawriteyouabook · 4 months

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You called me loyal and all I could think was "I am not a dog."

I'm not a dog

I am not a dog

But then, why do I keep coming back to you like I am

#this is me coping #spilled thoughts #mine #spilled words #excerpt from a letter i'll never send #excerpt from my diary #excerpt from a book i’ll never write #this is literally word vomit #word vomit #excerpts from my journal

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ru7hk · 10 months

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I asked myself, "What hurts"

"You hurt."

#excerpts #spilled poetry #spilled heart #writing #Mine #literature #comfort #my poem #my heart #excerpt from a book i'll never finish #excerpt from a letter i'll never send

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kingshxr · 11 months

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I hope the day if I say Yes to you- it will be from a place where my heart heals and I’m ready to learn to love again, instead of saying Yes from a place of loneliness. You deserve so much more than being an afterthought or a second choice.

#thoughts #excerpts from a book i'll never write #excerpt from a letter i'll never send #you deserve so much better

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aquietmorningrambles · 1 year

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rainy afternoon with you

The slow trickling rain relentlessly pouring A gentle melody accompanying our conversation "we know each other for way too long, yet it still feel like the first few day of knowing you. Happy, giddy, cheeky. I still love spending time with you, just being with you" Isn't that the beauty of our relationship? There's still lots of quirks to discovered, inside jokes to be made, fights to be had (hopefully not too much) Our chapters is long, but still far from ending (hopefully a new chapter soon tho) We will make hundred more, memories and stories and everything in between A giant blanket made from intertwined feelings, gently wrapping

#lovers #love poetry #poem #poetry #writers and poets #excerpt from a story i'll never finish #excerpt from a book i'll never finish #excerpt from a letter i'll never send

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doistillmissyou · 2 years

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you’re always too far away to love me.

#unrequited love #doistillmissyou #heartache #excerpt from a letter i'll never send

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imnotsorryimnotsorry · 1 year

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the distance between two points increases over time

sometimes i find it challenging to write. i don't think in english. not unless i intend to.

the translations are difficult and indirect.

the distance between two points increases over time. we're drifting away from each other. actually, i may not be, but she most certainly is leaving me.

#personal #textpost #intimacy #distance #writeblr #excerpt from a book i might write #excerpt from a letter i'll never send #nano 2022 #nanowrimo #nano22

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loving-you-deeply · 4 months

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NOTE #9

So this is the end...

The end of my long term love for you...

The love that I secretly harbour in the back of my heart...

Silently whispering the words I cannot express...

It's time to let you go...

For I can no longer wait for something that wasn't meant to be mine...

-Goodbye my love...

Sincerely,

ENRI

#unrequited love #thoughts of you #thoughts out loud #free write #thoughts #excerpts from my mind #excerpt from a letter i'll never send #a note to myself #life #love #letting go

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addictings · 2 years

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what we have is not love

What we have is not love.

People tell him, “You’ll move on, you’ll see.” But he knows he won’t. He knows that he can’t.

They say, “If you two are meant to be together, you will be.”

But we’re not. We’re horrible and we treated each other like shit, and maybe when we fuck it’s magical, but he doesn’t dwell on anything deeper than that.

We try and try again. We try to be functional, domesticated. But it doesn’t suit us. There were nights when we’d fight in the living room, screaming at each other. If he is drunk enough, he doesn’t bother showing restraint with me.

When we’re not together, it’s even worse. I shut him out completely. He tries to move on, dates a nice girl named Mary. She’s a goofball, keeps him on his toes, makes him wish that he was normal, that he was not fucked up. But he is, and when I found out he was dating someone, I showed up at his place, bleary-eyed, begging him to come back.

A week later he’s shoving me into a wall, pinning my arms back from smacking him again. When he crashes his mouth into mine, he can’t breathe.

Mary cries, tells him that he’s not who she thought he was, tells him that she believed he would never hurt her. He shrugs and tells her to fuck off before the guilt has a chance to set in.

“If you love me then just fucking say it,” his hand is gripping My neck, thumb pressed against my jaw. When I swallow he can feel it under his fingers. The tense, nervous movements.

“I don’t,” I choked out, my eyes fall to his lips cautiously. He will not kiss me.

“You’re a real treat, ya know that?” His hand glides from my shoulder and down to my hips.

“Stop,” I said softly, in a voice so unlike mine that it causes him to release his grip on me completely. My feet were flat on the ground for the first time in too long. A heavy silence settles over them and I said, “I can’t do this. It’s too hard.”

He feels like he’s been shoved backward. It’s perplexing to him, the way I talk like a victim. I have been destroying him since the first time we met.

“I thought this was what you wanted. I thought you liked us,” his hand gestures between us carefully, “liked this.”

I slumped down against the wall, hitting the floor gently.

My eyes were rimmed, red. I said, “Only because we don’t know anything else.”

He exhales. He pulls a cigarette out of his pocket and lights it promptly.

“So that’s it, then? It’s over this time. You can’t call me. You can’t show up at my place in the middle of the night. It’s over.”

What does she want? That’s what he asked himself as he stared at me. If he never saw me again, would it make things better? No more pain, no more torture. He wouldn’t have to be constantly reminded of the friend that he lost and the expectations that he’d never live up to. It would just be over. The feeling makes his skin crawl.

“That’s it then,” he whispers, and I bury my face in my hands. He can’t remember the last time he saw me cry like that.

So he walks away, leaves me sitting in the alley crying. He doesn’t look back.

What we have is not love.

That’s what he tells himself when he sees me standing in the tiny vintage banquet hall. The lighting is so dim that if he wasn’t searching me out, he might’ve missed me in a quick glance.

But he doesn’t.

It’s not as though he didn’t try to move on. He tried, probably harder than he’s ever tried at anything. But each time was a failure less crushing than the last. His heart was elsewhere. He knows now that he might never get it back.

There’s a song playing, all acoustic and soft and I stood by the bar with my glass of red wine, smiling. It had been two years since he’d seen me smile like that. The song isn’t his taste, but he approaches me, asks me for a dance.

My hesitation is expected, the slow and careful way I set down my glass and took his hand. He pulls me into his arms and a stand of brown hair falls in front of my face. He pushes it behind my ear with the little strength he can muster. My shoulders tense at the contact.

“I hoped you’d come,” he says, a smile as genuine as his words.

My head rests against his chest gently and I keep trying to blink away the moisture welling up in my eyes. He’d written a thousand endings in his head. This was never one of them. My hand moves to the back of his neck and he can feel the cool metal skate over his skin, torturing him.

The music keeps playing and My face is buried against his shirt, with tears pouring out of my eyes. It’s the worst pain, knowing that you would’ve done anything for someone, and that still not enough for them.

I looked up at him, “I did love you, you know.”

He lets out a breath

“I’m sorry,” he says, “for all of it.” He tries to smile but it’s strained-he cries.

So many moments flash through my head. I remember him, after Irina died, pushing me into Lake Michigan and telling me to “wake the fuck up.” I was furious, my clothing drenched. But I stormed off. I remember every single moment we spent together, the brittle, violent movements, always pushing each other’s limits. But I also remembered the silent simple ones. But most of all I remembered being in love with him, a feeling I’d never had before, the crushing bruises on my heart was leaving me dizzy and anxious and ecstatic all at the same time.

He would never feel any different.

He starts, lifting my chin to meet his eyes, “I’d do it all again. I would.”

I’m silent, he then says, “Look at us, we’re dancing again.”

I pushed myself to kiss him, then I did, he squeezed his eyes shut and put his hand on my neck

When I finally pulled back, my lips still inches away from his, I said, “I’d do it again too.”

#writers on tumblr #writerslife #mine #excerpt from a letter i'll never send #excerpt from my life #love #heartbreak #except from a book i'll never write #text post

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fiammaeterna · 3 months

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02:59, 01.14.24

i feel as if i am repenting for sins i was not aware i committed.

maybe that’s a lie. but i have yet to be told what my penance is.

maybe it’s crying myself to sleep like i have been the last few nights, listening to the songs we’ve shared for years on repeat, wondering what i did wrong. wondering why you were the one to leave this time.

i don’t think i’ve ever missed you like this, not as a lover, but as my best friend.

i’m so fucking sad all the time, and all i want is my best friend to tell me i’m going to be okay.

you were supposed to take me with you. it was supposed to be you and me running far away and never looking back. you said you wouldn’t go without me.

it’s not too late.

please come back for me.

#eke #egc #honey #actually bipolar #actuallytraumatized #bipolar type 2 #spilled ink #excerpt from a letter i'll never send #trauma #frienship #spilled poetry #best friends

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letterstomonkey · 1 year

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Celebration Fixation

Quill pens dipped in liquid gold running a tab higher than all my siblings combined,

and of course,

the invitations will be sent with personalized bouquets of roadkill on a stick.

You are not the sun, but this morning I carried you out of bed because I love you like an astronomer catching the constellations you speak of in your sleep, and

I keep the moons who dare eclipse your heart bookmarked by dog ears, ready to defend you, faithfully, before you even recognize you are in danger, and

by the end of it all I have gone blind, but

You have never burned so bright.

I kiss your cheek desperately, fighting for your gaze to meet mine, because

although I love you, I am wounded when

your eyes regain consciousness beneath the safety of ennui that you feel

From anybody's gaze you care to meet,

except for me;

The sight of me confronts your insecurity,

stinging like a backhanded slap where my lips pressed your cheek with exorbitant passion, instilling my belief that the dimple upon your cheek wasn't there until I kissed you.

I shelter you like a wooden gazebo between a soccer field and playground,

pleading with you to come running back to your mother's blanket at half-time,

digging in the cooler for a clementine, you ask Mom to peel it for you because

her fingers will never again be this dexterous and nimble,

her belly never again this fruitful,

her heart will never be so full as when you needed her to reapply your sunscreen on the sidelines

You miss my lips on your cheek not until a week later,

and you remind yourself that love is a family affair, always.

I practiced stenography

so I will write your invitations to listless lovers I disapprove of, if it is what you ask me to do, only if I may inscribe them in illegible stenography

All the while, I will celebrate you in collecting Sunday morning sunbeams so you never have to wake up feeling anything but warm and sheltered, and

I will continue to love you better than branding you like cattle,

and I love you enough not to accept your invitation, because

I will celebrate you better than quill pens dipped in liquid gold,

because I love you enough

to ask you

to be quick to reject love that lives stationery

to please write me with gold dipped, quill pens

to please water me during the dry season,

to please tend to these roots as though you love me,

as though they are not the only roots you have ever known,

I know you, please know that I love you

You could love me back in liquid gold

if only you had one less other hand to hold.

Yours truly,

Monkey

P.S.

A whole year of writing and posting Letters to Monkey has now come and gone. I have never before loved you more than I do after a year of dissecting your own point of view.

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neitherrherenorthere · 11 months

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maybe we could never get the timing right

or maybe we were just never meant to be

and if that’s the case

i hope multiple universes are real

and i hope we made it work in at least one of them

because the truth is

i love you

#excerpt from a letter i'll never send #x #unspoken words #neitherrherenorthere #my words

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wannawriteyouabook · 1 year

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Who do I talk to, about you

I mention you sometimes to just one of my friends, late at night when I feel so low I fear i'll never feel like myself again

The friend tries to comfort me

It only makes me angry

I want someone to blame me

I want someone to laugh at my face for driving you away

I want someone to tell me you deserved better anyway

And they try to comfort me.

Who do I talk to, about you

And if i whisper my apologies to the moon would she deliver them to you

I told them about you and they told me I would heal from it,

I don't know if I want to

If this ache is the only thing that reminds me of you how can I let it go

Look what you've done to me

Look what I have done to me

I am okay and building a life, I just can't let go

I just can't stop thinking how good everything is, and how you are the only thing missing.

I am not a writer nor am I a poet

I don't even know how to put my hurt into words, but I've written hundreds of paragraphs trying to let it out. Some are published and most are deleted.

Sometimes I feel so guilty that I feel like even my words aren't worthy of reaching to you. Sometimes I feel honored to have been broken by you.

I am a hypocrite too.

I'll talk about healing and moving on and dream of it, then I'll wrap the hurt around me like a blanket, feeling safe in the familiar ache. The closest feeling to you I could get.

My unsaid goodbye, let me be.

How will I learn not to look back when the ghost of you walks with me?

My forever what-if, do you ever wonder the way I do? If we could've been happy if we realized things sooner, or if I was braver?

I am so sorry, my unanswered prayer.

In another life, we will have the answer

#spilled thoughts #this is me coping #mine #spilled words #excerpt from a letter i'll never send #this is literally word vomit #gay yearning #excerpt from a book i’ll never write

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