#except this time they make different choices and stay together. the same can be said for max and gracie and lewis and cleo

[vaxieth]

because something really did ask, have a much too long post about my thoughts on laudna’s individual dynamics with the rest of bells hells.

under the cut because it’s almost 3000 words.

laudna/imogen

i struggle to find something to say about imogen and laudna that hasn’t already been said a million times before. the core concept—the thesis—of their arcs, together and separately, is choice. so much of their backstories are defined by helplessness. laudna was chosen and killed because she happened to look like someone else, she was resurrected because she happened to be there. imogen’s mother left, she was burdened with powers she didn’t understand and meant constant pain and isolation. so, they make sure to constantly emphasize that the other person has a choice in everything. imogen tells laudna she only has to come back if she wants to, even though it would have devastated her to lose laudna forever. laudna tells imogen that the gods can’t control her, that no matter what her “destiny” is, if she wants, they can leave and live in a little cottage and raise horses together. the way they love each other unconditionally is all the more incredible given how cruel the world was to them for so long. laudna’s “you make me better” is true for both of them. they give each other a place to be vulnerable and feel all their messiest, worst feelings because they know the other one won’t judge them. they’ll support each other no matter the choices they make.

something i’ve mentioned quite a few times but never gone in depth about is that imogen and laudna do have a fairly significant age difference, and i do think that affects their dynamic. on the one hand, they both have a bit of arrested development—imogen due to her isolation from the rest of gelvaan from 18-26, laudna because she died at 20. on the other, laudna has so much more life experience than imogen. she spent almost 30 years traveling and interacting with the world even if was mostly people trying to kill her, maybe even because of that. the “laudna is imogen’s aunt/mother/older sister” takes were obviously ridiculous, but laudna does canonically look at imogen and see someone young who she wants to protect in a way she never was. she said as much to fcg after the gnarlrock fight. laudna acts as imogen’s rock, her tether if you will, a lot of the time, and part of the reason she can counterbalance imogen’s anxiety is because of the experience that comes with age. for example, during their conversation in episode 49, laudna is able to stay more “rational” and level-headed even when imogen is scared and overwhelmed. 

one of my other favorite things about them, specifically from laudna’s point of view, is that with a few exceptions (the gnarlrock fight, her jealousy of frida), she doesn’t seem insecure about their relationship. again, during episode 49, laudna mentions that she knows they haven’t talked in a while, but she didn’t worry because they “transcend words.” she didn’t need outside assurance from imogen because she felt confident in their love for each other. something i love about that episode 39-49 period is that they didn’t interact a lot, but when they did, they slipped right about in the same kind of intimacy they’d always had—imogen holding launda’s hand when they went into her dream together, laudna’s protectiveness of imogen after she interacted with ludinus. but anyway—that confidence is why i believe the transition from friends to lovers was so easy for laudna. laudna’s unsure of herself, of delilah and what she might do, but she’s absolutely not unsure of the love between her and imogen. that’s why as soon as imogen tells her she’s not a bad person, that she wants to be with laudna in that way, she lets herself embrace it entirely.

in conclusion: they invented romance, they’re the best canon pairing critical role has ever had and one of the best dynamics in general, etc., etc.

laudna/orym

oh my god, WHERE to begin? i feel like my take on their dynamic is slightly controversial. at the very least, i get more push back from people when i post about it than anything else, so let me start with this: orym cares deeply about laudna, i will never dispute that. however, orym is uncomfortable with laudna and has been since the very beginning of the campaign. she’s his friend and he recognizes her beautiful heart and resilient spirit, but he’s uncomfortable with her appearance and her messages in his head, with her macabre humor and her deadness. he can’t reconcile that laudna his friend and laudna the dead woman can’t be separated. laudna’s deadness is a part of her, one laudna embraces. orym, for better or worse, is “normal.” he grew up with a loving family and he had a husband and a career. will and derrig’s deaths were an unbelievable tragedy but one that never challenged his place within the status quo. (sidenote: i’ve always wondered if part of orym’s discomfort with laudna come from the fact that her proximity to death is a reminder of the resurrections will and derrig never got.) he sees himself as a follower, someone that doesn’t stand out, then there’s laudna, who does nothing but stand out. 

something i find fascinating is that orym is the first person to find out laudna’s backstory, and it affects him so much he can’t sleep that night and takes a point of exhaustion. he even explicitly recognizes the dehumanization she’s gone through and how laudna’s relationship with puppets like pate and sashimi mirror that. yet, he still never apologizes for trying to disguise her appearance, something without even asking. yes, i get it’s tactical and for “safety” (though that argument falls a bit flat for me when there’s also a glowing rock person and a fully conscious automaton in the group, but whatever), but it still hurts laudna. even beyond that, orym always qualifies his friendship with laudna to other person, making some mention of how she’s dead-looking and isn’t that crazy, wow, almost as if he wants some validation that it—laudna—is weird (one he, interestingly, rarely ever gets, given how enraptured most of the other pcs, including guests, and even some npcs, are with her). he does this even in situations he absolutely doesn’t need to like, for example, when maeve says laudna “looks cooler than i thought.” all this just sucks. it’s not that the love isn’t there, it is. it just isn’t unconditional, and laudna deserves better than that.

finally: the delilah in the room. no, it isn’t orym’s “fault” delilah is back. yes, he was also having an extremely bad time during the bor’dor fight and it wasn’t his “responsibility” to save laudna from herself, but laudna is orym’s friend. he listened to laudna tell him the trauma delilah put her through, he fought through hell to save laudna from her, and still nodded because part of him thought maybe delilah could help him and that was selfish. the fight against ludinus is important to of the bells, but for orym, it’s personal. it’s been his mission for six years. meanwhile, laudna is the one with the least enthusiasm about this. she has no connection to the gods. in fact, she actively thinks they dislike her, but he’s willing to sacrifice not just his safety, but the safety of her and all his friends for a cause they never set out to fight for.

in conclusion: i want to put them in a salad mixer together and watch them go around and around and around and around and around, then let them out to scream at each other a little.

laudna/ashton

if i had to explain laudna and ashton’s dynamic in one word, it would be “projection.” i adore their relationship, it’s one of my top 5 c3 dynamics, but oh my god, so much projection, and it’s so interesting because of that. ashton thinks he understands laudna, but in reality, he doesn’t at all. i’m an absolute sucker for characters that look very different on the surface but in reality are much more similar than they know, and ashton and laudna are that to a tee. they are very much narrative parallels especially regarding their feelings of “brokenness” and how their traumas are physical, visual parts of themselves, but the ways they diverge are almost more interesting.

certain people have said that her conversations with ashton are the only time laudna is “honest” or that, at the very least, she’s more honest with him than she is with anyone else, and i couldn’t disagree more. laudna can be a joyful, optimistic person and deeply traumatized with a core anger she hasn’t truly processed. laudna is a high-charisma character, and in my opinion, part of how that manifests is her ability to adapt her demeanor to the person she’s talking to. she speaks gently to imogen the same way she matches chetney’s hyperactive energy when they go sky-sailing. of course when she’s with ashton, who makes no effort to hide his anger and bitterness and doesn’t want her to be soft, she isn’t. none of these laudnas are more “real” than the others, they’re all laudna. what those people, and ironically, ashton themself, don’t get, or won’t let himself get, is that all those things can be true at once.

with ashton specifically, i don’t think they want to believe that because then they’d have to admit that growth and healing is a real possibility because anger is so much easier to deal with. people talk most about orym’s choices during the bor’dor fight most, but i’m fascinated by ashton’s as well. i wouldn’t be surprised if there was a part, no matter how small, that wanted laudna to break, to prove to himself that he was right and laudna was just as broken and fucked-up as them. so, laudna killing bor’dor was almost vindication, evidenced by their “what have i done?” “nothing i haven’t done.” exchange afterwards.

i don’t want this to sound like ashton doesn’t care about launda, they do. ashton cares about her so much, and besides imogen and fearne, is the most unabashedly into laudna’s aesthetic. i love how much they love all the weird shit she does. i love how protective ashton is of laudna, especially during battles and their willingness to go above and beyond for her—he carried laudna when she was dead despite his chronic pain without complaining once and were willing to make a deal with hexum after going through an entire museum heist to repay their debt. i love the moments when ashton sees how much laudna is struggling and tells her, as gently as he can, to take a moment and do what she can to ground herself. i love that when laudna way too dramatically assumes they kidnapped imogen, their response is “that’s very fair.” it’s all wonderful, and i love them.

in conclusion: I LOVE THEM SO MUCH AND I WANT TO LOCK THEM IN A ROOM AND FORCE THEM TO TALK ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS FOR HOURS.

laudna/fcg

laudna and fcg have been getting more attention in the past few days for obvious reasons and that has me rubbing my hands together maniacally because even though they have very little actual interaction, the subtext is delicious. 

besides ashton, fcg might be the character laudna parallels the most, especially their struggle with their humanity (if they’re even human at all), which isn’t helped by the constant dehumanization they face from outsiders, including the almost continuous comments they get when they meet someone new. people look at launda and see a horror while they look at fcg and see a novelty (he’s a robot with personality??), and those both suck. i think, for fcg, laudna is an uncomfortable reflection of himself because everything they’re afraid is true about themself is true about laudna. finding out they had a soul was such an important moment for his character (also remember his early campaign habit of calling other people “soul-touched folks”). as a hollow one, who knows if laudna even has a soul. if i’m honest, fcg seems to think less of laudna than the rest of the party (see: him calling her a “former person,” his speech before casting turn undead including, “no offense to laudna but can you please shine your light and wipe these evil, dead souls off the face of this flat planet?”) and that’s probably why. they have such strict ideas about “good,” which has become “godly,” and “wrong,” (“ungodly”), and within that framework, everything seemed to point to laudna as “ungodly,” which is why their empathy towards her is lacking. 

the biggest conflict between fcg and laudna right now is obviously their feelings on the gods. the changebringer brought fcg purpose and tangibly helps them on a daily basis. of course they want to share this incredible thing with everyone they meet, especially his friends. yet, time-and-time again, the world has shown laudna the gods don’t seem to care about her. before someone says anything, pike resurrecting laudna doesn’t automatically mean she has to trust the gods. clerics and paladins spent 30 years running her out of towns for existing and trying to kill her in the name of their gods. if the circumstances were different, there’s a good chance fcg could have been one of those people. for fcg, the world is black-and-white. for laudna, it’s all gray. laudna was able to have a conversation with imogen about the ruby vanguard’s message and the purpose of the gods because she understands the need to question things and thinks that’s a good thing even if she doesn’t agree with the conclusions. fcg’s not there yet, and until he is, their friendship with laudna will never be able to progress past where it is now.

in conclusion: please have a conversation, maybe even two or three. it’d be so good for fcg to learn the world’s incredible nuances and for laudna to see how faith in the gods can be an empowering force for good, not just something beyond her grasp.

laudna/fearne

out of all launda’s dynamics, this is the one i desperately want more of. we’ve gotten so little! almost all their moments are interactions between the three witches that tend to center imogen (making the red-string friendship bracelets and comforting imogen after she talked with relvin come to mind) OR center imogen and fearne’s mutual appreciation for laudna’s… everything. one of my favorite about fearne is that, like imogen, she doesn’t think laudna is gross and creepy, she thinks laudna is gorgeous and charming without any caveats. even ashton, who also loves laudna’s laudnaness, tends more towards “yeah, you’re disgusting and THAT’S why it’s great.”

the other main part of their dynamic i want to sink my teeth into is the coin-toss, more specifically fearne’s guilt over the coin toss. regardless of whether you think fearne lied (i personally find that headcanon FASCINATING but to each their own), she clearly feels so many emotions about having to pick whether to save laudna and orym that she hasn’t even begun to unpack. one of the few sole moments we’ve gotten of them was in episode 42 when laudna asked fearne to help teach her to cast fireball, and in it, fearne, unprompted, blurts out, “how’s it feel being alive again?” almost immediately. she also apologizes to laudna, says they’ll fight any piece of delilah that’s still in there, and tells her, “i missed you terribly for that moment in time.” even when laudna gives her the chance to make the conversation light-hearted, fearne stays so genuine, which is all the more-noteworthy because she’s usually so flippant and almost always keeps her real feelings close to her chest. 

some other examples of fearne’s guilt include: the 4sd where ashley said part of why she was so protective over imogen during their separation arc was that she couldn’t bear having to tell laudna anything happened to her and just this past episode when fearne’s protectiveness after laudna made her only cast first-level cure wounds on fcg after they cast turn undead.

in conclusion: PLEASE LET THEM INTERACT MORE. THERE’S SO MUCH JUICY POTENTIAL AND I WANT TO SEE IT EXPLORED.

laudna/chetney

i don’t have that much to say about them except that their dynamic is absolutely delightful. i love that we’ve gotten to see more of it in recent episodes, and i hope that continues. 

chetney exists at an interesting place between orym’s genuine discomfort and fearne and imogen’s complete enchantment with laudna’s undeadness. he is sometimes grossed out, but he also seems to accept it as a thing about laudna without too much judgment, or at least, that “judgment” is light-hearted in a way orym’s or even fcg’s isn’t.

i love that they’re the characters with the most life experience (even if laudna is technically the fourth oldest, fcg only has two years of memory and fearne is a 100+ but spent 99% of that time in one place) but also embrace being “childish” and silly together, like the entire sky-sail sequence! 

in conclusion: *gently holds* i just think they’re neat!

that’s all! if you read this whole thing, you get my eternal love and gratitude. thank you.

#laudna #imodna #laudmoore #orym #fresh cut grass #fearne calloway #chetney pock o'pea #bells hells #critical role #my posts #textpost #i’m weirdly more nervous about posting this on here than on twitter #but i spent like three hours writing and am pretty proud of the result #in case it isn’t clear i want to reiterate that i love ALL these characters #including orym and fcg #but they aren’t perfect #that’s what makes their dynamics so interesting!

[beebopboom]

If Gabriel can leave Heaven and be with Beelzebub, why can’t Aziraphale do the same with Crowley?

That’s a general question right? Something along those lines? How Gabriel did the “good” thing and how Aziraphale did the “bad” one, yeah?

Well I have a few thoughts on this so let’s go through it real quick on why Gabriel could and why it shouldn’t immediately be equated as the “good” choice - especially in comparison with Aziraphale’s

Also none of this is a slight against Gabriel/Beelzebub - it’s just a different relationship, different circumstances.

and this is just my interpretation obviously so yeah - do with it what you will

ok actual rant time go-

Gabriel and Beelzebub meeting how they did would not have happened without Armageddon being adverted.

They would have been on opposite sides of the battlefield but instead they ended up actually talking and in the process finding someone they could relate to. Their spark had been ignited and they continued to flame it.

To put it simply-

Gabriel and Beelzebub’s relationship is that of one between an Angel and a Demon. Aziraphale and Crowley’s is a relationship between two beings that happen to be an Angel and a Demon.

And that is a very big difference

Gabriel and Beelzebub are each other’s Heaven and Hell - they said so themselves. They may not be choosing sides but those two are the only ones they see, Heaven vs. Hell.

Even at the very end of every thing they are still an Angel and Demon - and in the case of Gabriel at least still holds those same opinions of the other side with the exception of Beelzebub of course

They don’t really see the third side that Aziraphale and Crowley have placed themselves on - they don’t have that connection to humanity not really.

For most of their existence pretty much every interaction with humans has been strictly professional and by the book. Sure Gabriel likes the clothes and his statue - and they have their song but that’s it.

They don’t have that history - that need to do the right thing by humanity not just themselves. As long as they got to be together they could care less about the rest of it.

Earth just happened to be the place they met up as it was the easiest. Not moving forward with Armageddon was not in the interests of keeping humanity around - it was in the interests of this being the place where they meet up and hey it has some vaguely interesting things about it - nothing has to change for them if they keep it around

Also they are both coming from very high positions of power on their respective sides - positions that are hard to touch. They are the ones making decisions and ordering people about. They were the ones to play judge and executioner. 

No one in that bookshop at that moment was really in the position to stop them from leaving. The one being that really had that power, The Metatron, came later and really just benefited from all this.

and The Fear that is ever present throughout Aziraphale and Crowley’s relationship is barely there for Gabriel and Beelzebub really.

Heaven and Hell’s relationship particularly between the higher ups is so fascinating. The “backchannels” are practically an open secret and getting the other side to do their bidding is a running trend.

What did Gabriel and Beelzebub have to fear? Any meet up they were caught at could very easily be explained away. And honestly both sides have been fumbling trying to come up with plans - they weren’t paying attention.

At no point in his trial does Gabriel look nervous - he is very nonchalant about the whole thing because it’s whatever, they had a plan in place for this. He is no longer obligated to hold his position of power and oh? they aren’t going to send him to hell? welp he’s still leaving anyway.

Him leaving was just not acknowledging the problem, the system. He didn’t benefit from it anymore as he found something better, Beelzebub. So what was the point of staying and being demoted when he could just leave?

And the biggest and most important thing about all of this is-

They weren’t the first

no no no that goes to Aziraphale and Crowley.

Making choices and picking sides - things they were not made to do

6000 years of hiding their friendship - thousands of years spent worrying about being watched, about the other being hurt - thousands of years of living among humanity somewhat doing their jobs, mainly just enjoying being there and interfering where they could.

They didn’t get the privilege of knowing the loopholes between the two establishments so they made their own

Coming up with guidelines and routines so they weren’t discovered - that were then shattered after they helped advert Armageddon and were discovered.

and when they survived execution no one knew what they were - they had gone native

Completely intertwined with history and the fate of humanity - Earth was their home

They became each other’s World

they protected each other from Death

but all those routines and structures going away is jarring - difficult to work through

they are each their own character - with their own way of processing and doing things - thrust into a space that they may have wanted but never truly thought they would get. This is all a lot

All the things that Aziraphale has had to deal with are things that have never even crossed Gabriel’s mind - the guilt, the doubt, the uncertainty

4 years is not a lot of time to work through that really - not to them (not to anyone really)

4 years where they both knew it wasn’t over for them, for humanity - that eventually there was going to be another Big Event.

Fear that has never went away for either of them.

this is not a case of “oh Aziraphale and Crowley had over six thousand years to work on their relationship and failed, yet Gabriel and Beelzebub were able to work it out in four”

this is “they both had four years - Aziraphale and Crowley just had an added six thousand years of fear and repression to dig through”

Aziraphale went back to Heaven because everything is at a higher stake for him than it has been or will ever be for Gabriel - Gabriel gets the trial and Aziraphale gets the execution

Because the thing about Aziraphale is he cares - he cares so much about the future of humanity and his own future - which is not a bad thing

If there is two things to never doubt about Aziraphale it is his love for humanity and Crowley

But there was no choice in The Metatron’s “offer”however it was an opportunity

and he has just been “offered” the same position he just seen the previous holder get to go off together with his demon partner and no punishment.

Aziraphale knows what “big plans” means for Heaven, even if he didn’t know exactly what it was - he’s been on Earth watching them play out for 6000 years.

His goal up there is not whatever these big plans are the Metatron was talking about - he is going up there to change it (and is that such a bad thing? I mean we saw how he was with Muriel)

He is making the best out of getting backed into a corner - unfortunately it resulted in both of them him getting hurt in the process

but if there is one thing to take away from their last look is that although they may be hurt there, there is understanding and trust - and love between them

Going off was what Gabriel wanted and Going back was never Aziraphale’s choice to make.

so can they really be compared as the right and wrong when the circumstances around the situations were vastly different?

————————————————————————

ok I ran out of steam towards the end there and it might be a little incoherent but have a fun little headcanon to make up for it

you cannot convince me otherwise that Gabriel and Beelzebub don’t bitch about Aziraphale and Crowley - at the very least one of their meeting was just dedicated to bitching about the two of them

#don’t take this too seriously #it is very late #and I’m back - with a rant #because the last few days have been so shitty I just want to rant about something #and this felt appropriate #good omens #good omens 2 #aziraphale #crowley #aziracrow #ineffable husbands #gabriel x beelzebub #ineffable bureaucracy #boxfly #good omens gabriel #good omens beelzebub

[smartycvnt]

Control

Title: Control Pairing: Jennifer Jareau x Reader Prompt: 17. "I really don't care. You look hot and I'm trying not to fuck you senseless right now." Minors DNI, 18+ Warnings: smut, top JJ, bottom reader, vaginal fingering R WC: 1041

As difficult as it was with all the distance between you and JJ on any given day, you were glad that your paths rarely crossed at work. Serial killers and human traffickers were bad enough on their own and more than enough to keep both of you up at night, but for someone to need both of your units to be caught was the worst of the worst. Usually it was the bad guys that were the worst part of your job, but tonight it was JJ. You knew that she didn't mean to be so in the way, but the woman's temper occasionally got the best of her. Especially whenever it came to your safety.

"I need you to calm down J, please," you pleaded as you rubbed your hands along her forearms. You had pulled her aside after her third outburst of the night. Whenever your CO had suggested something for your undercover operation, JJ had vehemently objected to it. First they wanted you to pose as one of the girls for sale with one of the guys from your unit posing as your seller. JJ had brought up the point that despite the fact that you looked good for your age, most of those girls being traded around were teenagers. The older ones were almost always disposed of before they turned 25, and you wouldn't have been an exception.

"I'm being about as calm as someone who keeps being told that their partner is going right into the hands of a monster can be. There are other girls on your unit, ones that look the part a lot better than you do," JJ argued. You sighed as you leaned your forehead against her shoulder. This was going to be harder than you originally thought it'd be. "I don't see why it has to be you."

"I'm the best choice. I can maintain control if things get rocky, something that I need you to do for me right now," you told her. "You have to be professional right now."

"I really don't care," Jennifer mumbled angrily. You frowned at her, but Jennifer didn't let it deter her. "I need to get out of here."

"You kind of have to stay, what's your deal right now?"

"You look hot and I'm trying not to fuck you senseless right now," JJ admitted. You rolled your eyes as it started to make more sense. JJ's overprotective nature was always there, but this had felt different. You wondered how many factors played into it. She always got like this whenever she met the tech lead for your unit, who was pretty much the male version of the woman you were in love with now. JJ knew that, just like she knew that there had been something between the two of you at the academy years ago. It was over and had been for years, but JJ still held onto the idea that there was something between the two of you.

"Please don't say things like that before I have to be focused. It is a life or death situation," you reminded her. JJ pouted as she looked at you. It was tempting to let her take you back into her hotel room, which was right across the hallway from where this was. You hadn't been mic'd up yet, and it was obvious as JJ gave you a look that she knew that. "You're ridiculous."

"If you were in my position, you'd be doing the same thing," JJ said as she quietly led you out of the hotel room. It was extremely dangerous to be doing this where anybody could come looking for you, but you knew this was the only way to get JJ out of her mood. Maybe the two of you would get lucky and everybody would think you took JJ away to reprimand her. It wasn't entirely unlikely, but you were well aware that the odds were not exactly in your favor. And that was why you knew that you had to be quick together.

JJ didn't waste any time in hiking up the miniskirt you'd been given to wear tonight. She had to be careful not to mess up your makeup, so JJ kept her kisses to your neck and chest area. The push up bra you had been given to wear was really doing wonders with the crop top that Emily and Tara had picked out earlier in the day. You definitely looked like a prostitute, not quite fresh meat, but not too old to be discarded without second thought. Your entire career and life was hanging in the balance of whether or not you were accepted into this guy's inner circle. That kind of stress was not something that would be easily relieved, but you knew that JJ would do her best.

Your legs spread for JJ the moment you felt her fingertips brush against your underwear. JJ pulled one of your legs to rest on her hip, pushing you a little further against the wall so that she could press her fingers into you a little harder. This felt dirty, and it was more than enough to get you into the mindset of someone who did this on a nightly basis. JJ had no idea how much she was really helping you as she bit down on your neck, just light enough not to leave any deep marks. You covered your own mouth to keep yourself quiet as JJ's fingers moved fast and hard in and out of you. JJ could tell that she was getting you close, so she tried a little harder just for you.

"Jennifer," you whimpered as you tried pulling her face towards you for a kiss. She looked up just in time to see you cumming. Jennifer watched your mouth fall open with the smallest noise escaping past your lips.

"Will you stay with me tonight? Tell them to send someone else," JJ said.

"I can't. I have to do this, but I'll come back to you. I promise," you told her. JJ nodded as she stepped away from me.

"Just don't come back to me in a body bag. I'm not the only one who needs you back at home."

#jennifer jareau x reader #jennifer jareau #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds #my writing

[romance-rambles]

319 ROSES AND A DATE

Alkaid gets asked on a date by the girl he desperately wanted to ask out, at least before he found out who the flowers were for. You'd like to maintain that nothing you said was a lie.

— pairing: [modern] alkaid mcgrath x little painter/you

— word count: 2.8k

— tags: takes place after alkaid's florist ending [everything else happens the same way, except alkaid's first meeting with mc happens after godheim], misunderstandings [not unrequited love], some angst

— note: i was moved to try and write a flower shop au at least once after godheim but destiny's call really helped me out. handed me everything on a gold platter and said, "go to town, aya."

return to lbc masterlist | series: none

ALKAID STARES DOWN BLANKLY AT the bouquet of white roses in his hands. At some point during his stunned silence, he had unwittingly taken them off yours, just as you had hoped for.

All 319 of them, to be precise—which is a number that, put in a different context, can also refer to 3/19, the day of his birth. Even with the limited capacity he has at the moment to sort out the events that led up to this moment, he can't help the way his heart flutters at the knowledge that you remembered, even though so much time has passed.

"Alkaid?" A gentle tap against his shoulder robs the flowers of their spotlight. "Do you...not like the flowers?"

He looks up and sees you, still here—still dressed so beautifully he's once more in danger of succumbing to asphyxiation, with a fretful expression that makes him wonder if he's already there. When he does not respond, you close the remaining distance between them, obscuring all else from his vision.

It is a problem only because he has nowhere left to run.

"No," he croaks out finally, leaning back over the counter to accommodate you.

Obliviously, you move closer, leaving him with no choice but to avert his gaze once more. Alkaid can only hope you aren't offended—that you don't think he finds you unattractive, with how often he does so. It's only that your beaming smile reminds him of what it feels like to stare down the sun.

"They're lovely."

Satisfied with his answer, you pull back. Your hands are clasped behind your back, and your ponytail sways slightly, once more retreating behind your shoulder. There's an adorable star-shaped pin fastened onto the strap of your cross-body bag.

He sighs discretely, relieved, and pulls the bouquet up to his face as casually as he can. The petals, he hopes, will be enough to cover up the deep scarlet staining his cheeks.

"I'm glad!" You clap your hands together. "I was worried they wouldn't be to your liking. Maybe I should've asked you what your favorite flower was before I tried asking you out."

A self-deprecating laugh slips out as you scratch your cheek. An intricate design spans the length of your nail now—shades of red and green shaped into what he can clearly recognize as halves of a rose hugging the edges—against a black background.

Alkaid bites his lip, converting the interrupted gasp into a quiet exhale.

"You guessed right. I like white roses," he says, hoping desperately that his words are nothing less than reassuring. "Though they share that spot with lilies as well."

"Lilies," you repeat, a determined gleam in your lovely eyes. "I'll keep that in mind for next time."

He bites his lip harder.

THE MORNING HE'S DUE TO hand off your flowers, Alkaid finds himself contemplating the benefits of coffee behind the register.

Though his favorite concealer and his usual color corrector have done much to brighten up his undereyes, they can do little for the grogginess that comes with staying awake the whole night (Why such a specific number? Who are they for? Do you remember him at all?). And, by the time the clock strikes nine, he's already downed three cups of strongly-brewed tea.

What pushes him to finally break away from his usual preferences is a simple headache.

The store is empty, and there remains more than half an hour before you're set to arrive. A sharp twinge of pain in the side of his head as he stands up to check on your flowers draws out a careful hiss. Alkaid, with some amount of lingering hesitance, flips the sign on his door to closed, with a note explaining the rough length of absence. Then he walks out the door, his destination the artsy cafe across the street—the one that makes him think of you whenever he walks in.

Allen, the normally deadpan barista on duty, seems to shut down when Alkaid corrects him on his order. Soon, the news spreads to the rest of the employees, who take turns staring at him as he leaves with a warm thermos of coffee in his hands.

But, in the end, it proves to be an unnecessary trip.

You're already in front of his flower shop when he returns, half-crouched and studying the sign the way someone might study a work of abstract art. Today, too, you have a large, dark blue backpack slung over both your shoulders, its surface decorated with various pins and stickers—mostly of a cat, your cat, but also of a popular manga that you seem to like.

In Passing, that is.

It's about a love triangle featuring a tyrant emperor and a well-liked leader of the rebellion. Even without the reviews praising it for subverting expectations, Alkaid would've picked it up anyway.

He's on the third volume right now, and—

Hmm? His eyebrows furrow. Where did I leave it? In my bag?

All of a sudden, the sleep that had been so insistent on dragging his eyelids down vanishes. Alkaid wracks his brain desperately for the answers, stomach churning at the thought of you finding out about his latest reading material.

Unfortunately, you choose that moment to turn around.

"Oh, Alkaid!"

Your confused expression soon melts away, leaving behind only a cheerful smile. Tightening his grip on his thermos, he exhales silently, before flashing you a gentle smile.

"You're here." Time stops as you begin to approach him, your keychains singing a short jingle to accompany you. Your expression softens, as does your voice. "You didn't forget about me, right?"

Alkaid can only sputter out a half-coherent apology.

The words get drowned out by the insistent, purposeful beating of his heart. It's as if it wants to claw itself out of his chest and entrust itself to your hands, as it is, with shattered bones sticking out of it.

You laugh prettily, as always. "It's okay. I'm just joking."

Then, like a moth to a flame, his gaze falls upon your lips. A soft red, with a glossy sheen, one that matches the color of your skirt. On a plain canvas, it's all the more striking. It leaves him wondering about things he, currently a stranger, shouldn't be fretting over.

He's not sure how long he stares for, with slightly parted lips and a series of half-realized thoughts chiding at him to stop—only that it's not long enough for you to grow uncomfortable.

Alkaid clears his throat, holding up his thermos (I should've bought her something too, he thinks) as an explanation. "I apologize for the wait. I went over to the cafe across the street."

"Coffee lover?" you guess, making room for him to open the door.

"I'm usually more of a tea person." As he slips inside the store, he can't help but chuckle self-consciously, remembering all the different ways he imagined this scene playing out. Naturally, his next words are nothing more than the most blatant lie he's ever told. "I thought I'd try something else for a change."

"Is it a nice place?" Upon seeing the puzzled look he sends over his shoulder, you clarify, "The cafe. I've seen the reviews, but I think only experience can beat the testimony of someone you know."

He considers your question for a moment. "The staff is very friendly. I often stop by during lunch for their sandwiches."

"I see..." you murmur.

"I think you'd like it," Alkaid blurts out as he slips in behind the register, happy to note that his copy of Volume 3 is, in fact, in his bag. "The owner enjoys collecting art—there's a lot of different paintings all over the cafe. Um, since you're an art major."

"Well, now I have to try it out." You don't seem particularly startled that he knows about your major; instead, you take to drawing patterns across the wooden countertop. He thinks he sees the familiar curve of an A. "The cookies you recommended last time were really great too."

When he keeps his silence, the complete opposite of what the state of his mind currently is (she remembers?), you look up.

"Hmm?" You tilt your head, confusion clouding your once smiling expression. "Do I have the wrong person? You're Alkaid, right? From that time in the snow mountains?"

He forces himself to nod, but that too is enough.

A shy smile blossoms on your lips, paired with both a brief flash of relief flitting through your gaze and the slight, almost imperceptible widening of your eyes. Placing your hands above your heart, you sigh exaggeratedly.

"You had me worried for a moment," you say. Your eyelashes cast a dark shadow on your undereyes. "I thought we'd never meet again."

For a moment, he wonders if there's more to your sorrow than you let on. Does it have anything to do with the way you disappeared? Somewhere so far away that no one could reach you at all?

Alkaid shakes off his thoughts.

"But we did," he responds carefully. I never thought we'd meet again either, he does not say instead. "Whether it was destiny, whether it was just a coincidence, we did. All we can do is make the most of it."

A tinge of sadness mars your lovely smile. "I think that sounds lovely."

SOON AFTER THEIR REUNION, DONE properly this time, down to exchanging numbers, Alkaid excuses himself to go fetch your flowers. When he returns, lovesick heart brimming with curiosity over the recipient's identity once more, he finds you've returned to doodling on the counter.

"Here they are, 319 white roses," he announces.

There's a blank expression on your face when you look up. Slowly, as recognition dawns upon you, it melts away to something bitter and rough. Its jagged edges dig into his his heart, leaving a paralyzing mix of sadness and longing to wash over him.

And then—

"Thank you," you say, and take the flowers off his hand.

His hand twitches, yearning for the camera he still keeps in his backpack, for the days where he feels like memorializing something instead. Lovely is the only word he has to describe you as you tuck a strand of hair behind your ears and pull the bouquet close with a faint smile.

Then, you close your eyes, and you inhale deeply. Once more, you are somewhere else—somewhere far, somewhere he can't reach.

"Ah, sorry." You crack one eye open. Now, the bouquet is clutched against your chest, but your sadness remains. "I guess I'm a bit nervous. I don't know if he'll like the flowers."

He? From some far corner of his mind, he recalls the image of your guardian. A tall man, with long silver hair and a pleasant, but guarded expression. Cael, he thinks is the name.

"For your guardian?" Alkaid inquires.

Your smile drops entirely at the mention of your guardian. A complicated series of emotions flash in your gaze, soon averted to one of the potted plants at the display. Scratching your cheek, you offer him a polite laugh.

Today, only some of your nails are a plain black. The rest remain bare.

"No, it's not for Cael." You answer carefully. "Actually—"

Looking down at the flowers, you take a deep breath. When next you speak, your voice has reclaimed the softness it'd shown him earlier—your searching gaze as well. You leave him with the truth, imparting it onto him like a mischievous secret.

"There's someone I'd like to ask out."

His stomach drops, and you leave him with the memory of lovelorn smile, forever imprinted behind his eyelids.

"I hope he says yes."

[3:00 PM] you: Alkaid, do you have any plans tonight?

[3:17 PM] alkaid: No, I'm free

[3:21 PM] alkaid: Did something happen?

[3:22 PM] you:

[3:22 PM] you: I haven't asked him out yet. Gonna do it soon

[3:23 PM] you: All of my other friends are busy rn.

[3:24 PM] you: Is it okay if I stop by after you close up shop?

[3:24 PM] you: I'd want to talk to someone about it

[4:31 PM] alkaid: Of course

SOMEHOW, ALKAID MANAGES TO GET through the rest of the day.

His heart is held together haphazardly with duct tape and carefully-placed staples, though their efforts are thwarted constantly by a popular refrain (You hardly know him. Of course there's someone else.), and he's one stubbed toe away from being reduced to tears, but he manages. Somehow.

He swallows down his what-ifs and maybes and waits, watching the hands on his wristwatch inch ever closer to six in the evening. And eventually, the vaguely promised time arrives.

As he's stepping out from behind the register, a familiar chime echoes cuts through the silence. Alkaid looks up and sees you, dressed still in red and black, your turtleneck and skirt swapped out for a knee-length dress.

"Hi."

The bouquet of white roses—held in both hands, a stark contrast to the black leather jacket you're wearing—covers up its neckline. You smile sheepishly at him, pulling at the mesh of your bright red skirt to mimic a curtsy.

You're beautiful. Even the flowers surrounding them pale in comparison. Even the aurora they'd seen together pales in comparison. You rob him of his breath and leave gasping for a reprieve, but so long as he keeps his memory in even the smallest capacity, that's simply impossible.

The familiar knife called jealousy stabs into his heart, leaving him keenly aware of his longing. He averts his gaze, but the damage has already been done. You are beautiful, and he has waited years to see you.

"Hi." Alkaid swallows uncomfortably, as the sound of your footsteps draws closer. In a panic, his hands brace themselves against the edge of the counter. "Was something wrong with the flowers? I thought—"

A mysterious expression sits upon your features when you pull his gaze onto you, seemingly oblivious to your magnetic power.

With a deep breath, you thrust the flowers at him, knuckles brushing against his chest. You pull back for a moment, taking your flowers with you, and the soft coral of your blush makes it difficult to discern whether you find yourself a victim the of same scarlet blooming across his cheeks.

"That's—" You cough politely. There's a heart-shaped pendant dangling from your golden necklace. The dress is either strapless or your jacket has covered up the straps. "—what I'm here to find out."

Alkaid tilts his head. His confused gaze darts across his surroundings and stops at the glass window of the store's display, thinking perhaps that your mystery boy might be outside. But while the streets are not barren, there is no one outside his store.

You say his name in the same way you told him your secret. Like it's something precious. Like it's something you love. And the truth begins to settle into his bones with a finality that deafens the half-coherent puzzle pieces he's been trying to fit together—he is the only one you could possibly ask out in this empty store.

He has no choice but to look back. At you, and the bouquet you're offering him.

"Would you like to go to the movies with me?"

AND THAT IS HOW HE finds himself with the beginnings of a bruise forming on his lip. He doesn't mind, not when the sting he feels as he wets his lip reminds him that this is not, in fact, a dream (It feels like it though, he thinks), nor a fantasy.

"You...you don't have a girlfriend, do you? It's been a while since then..."

You rub your arm lightly, muttering about something he can't understand, and what else is Alkaid meant to do but take your hand? He squeezes it gently, tickled to find that he can return the favor for all the times you've stolen his breath away.

Your lips part slightly, but whatever you hoped to say does not leave the confines of your mysterious mind. Instead, you draw some of your hair from both sides over your flushed cheeks.

"Nothing like that," he reassures, smiling gently at you. "I'm just surprised. I didn't realize you were talking about me."

"That's a reli—what." In a single moment, your voice goes from girlishly breathless to an irritated flat. Releasing your hair, you blink uncomprehendingly at him. "How?"

Watching you descend into another muttered ramble, Alkaid shrugs. "If you'd still like that date..."

You whip your head in his direction. "Then it's a date!"

The first time he met you, it was when you had fished out of the snow and offered him a warm drink to fight off the cold. They had talked about miscellaneous things, from your half-hearted desire to request a camera for your birthday to who could make the better model between them both.

And back then, he had thought to himself that there was no sound more beautiful than your laugh.

Almost four years after the fact, as he watches you giggle, Alkaid can confidently say his past self had the right idea. Such a specific title leaves him with room to declare your follow-up smile to be just as breathtaking.

#fics by aya #lovebrush chronicles #lovebrush chronicles x reader #alkaid mcgrath #alkaid mcgrath x reader #lovebrush alkaid #lovebrush alkaid x reader #lbc alkaid #lbc alkaid x reader #little painter #rambles from here on -> #i feel like lars has the common sense not to act like a ceo in a manhwa but i really do think cael would think this is fine #i feel like he'd probably be like “this is the least i can do” #that said i am curious if mc paid for those flowers with her own money?? is her mom rich too #i feel like she'd still be funded by lars (because fan) LOL he also coached her on how to ask alkaid out it's the blind leading the blind #should i write mc's pov too LOL #this was just supposed to be silly little misunderstandings and now there's ANGST and BACKSTORY and MORE ANGST

[mlove44lh]

Don’t hurt yourself

Chapter 3 - Anger

Masterlist

Previously chapter

Warnings: cheating, angst, mention of infertility, mention of blood and hospital (really short), alcohol use.

Lewis is a real asshole in this chapter, I think that could go as a warning too.

Words: 2.750

“If it's what you truly want ... I can wear her skin over mine. Her hair over mine. Her hands as gloves. Her teeth as confetti. Her scalp, a cap. Her sternum, my bedazzled cane. We can pose for a photograph, all three of us. Immortalized ... you and your perfect girl. I don't know when love became elusive. I think of lovers as trees ... growing to and from one another. Searching for the same light.

Why can't you see me? Everyone else can.”

I step slowly into the apartment, my head spinning with the anger I feel and all the alcohol from earlier. The place seems different from what I had left before, the white walls filled with memories in the form of our photos no longer bring me the comfort and happiness they used to.

I can hear Lewis' footsteps in the hallway outside. I take a deep breath, preparing myself for the imminent confrontation I can no longer postpone.

Lewis slams the door behind him with enough force for the sound to reverberate throughout the apartment.

"Stop with this silent treatment bullshit. You ignored me all night. Isn't that enough?!” His voice is louder than usual.

I place my bag on the wooden dining table and turn towards Lewis, who is standing in the middle of the room with his jaw clenched and his eyes fixed on me.

"I told you this conversation would happen at home.” I feel the anger burning in my throat. I seem calm, but I grit my teeth over so many emotions stuck inside me.

"Here we are." He gestures to the entire living room. "Now, can you tell me what the hell is going on? First, you've been acting weird all week. Then at dinner, you didn't say anything except to make senseless comments. You drank two bottles of champagne alone, even though you know you can't drink. Do you want to throw away all the treatment we're doing?”

Suddenly, I can't contain my emotions any longer. I explode with words that should never leave my mouth. My laughter is a humorless, painful groan. How can he bring this up now? How dare he act like nothing is happening? After cheating on me, he still has the audacity to want to build something big together?

"Fuck this treatment, Lewis! I have no interest in conceiving a child with you anymore!" I scream at him for the first time in my life, and say the worst things I could.

You know that feeling when you regret saying something even before the last word leaves your mouth? That just happened. The pain in Lewis' face becomes clear before my eyes, but it's not greater than mine. I could never imagine saying those words to him. To the love of my life.

Lewis stays quiet, motionless, as if he's glued to the floor. Like him, I try to process the words I just uttered. I don't know where they come from, or if I really feel that way. But I don't move to take them back or try to retract what I said. I think this is the moment I'll remember as the breaking point. There's no turning back after saying something like that.

But life is made of choices, and I choose to move forward with my anger.

I walk to my bag, and for a brief moment, the sound of my heels hitting the floor is the only thing that can be heard in the room.

I take out the bracelet that I've kept with me all this time, and walk up to him with the object clenched tightly in my fist.

I walk close enough to hear his breath. His eyes shine with sadness. I can't recognize us at this moment. Everything seems so wrong, so confusing. We know each other so well, but now I feel like I'm looking at a stranger.

I feel a lump in my throat, and for a moment, I'm afraid that I'll break down.

"I stopped taking the hormones five days ago, Lewis. You would know that if you paid any attention to me.” He keeps his eyes locked on mine, and I can identify an appeal in them. "I stopped when I found this in your car.”

I hold out the bracelet with my index finger near his face. I watch realization taking over his expression while his gaze moves between my face and the object in my hands. He seems to want to say something, but I don't want to hear a word from him until I finish saying everything I need to.

"The problem was there for a long time, wasn't it? It was my love for us that blinded me and didn't let me see what was right in front of me. Until this shit showed up" I throw the bracelet at his chest. Despite the almost zero distance between us, I know that Lewis barely feels the metal contact his skin. He remains motionless. The bracelet falls between us, resting on the cold floor as we continue to stare at each other. "I tried to deceive myself. Even today, I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt and let you make up for everything you destroyed in me."

I feel my eyes welling up, but there's more anger than sadness in the tears.

"Y/n..." Lewis' voice comes out in a tone that I don't remember ever hearing before.

I cut him off before he can say another word.

“But then I arrive there, at the dinner you invited me to.” I extend my index finger until it touches his chest, and just this minimum contact makes me tremble. “And I watch you looking at her in the same way you used to look at me. And the worst of all is that you were acting as if nothing was happening. You wore this lie so well that if she hadn't done what she did to show me the truth, I would have left that restaurant even more in love with you. While you were lying to the woman you swore loyalty to on an altar."

His fingers wrap carefully around my wrists. I try to pull away the moment I feel the contact, but Lewis doesn't let go and keeps holding me in my place.

"Y/n. Please listen to me.”

I don't want to listen to him, but I know I need his explanation.

"Go ahead. But tell me the truth if you still want the slightest consideration from me.”

It takes him a few seconds to start talking.

"It's true. But it didn't mean anything, not for a moment. It was the biggest mistake of my life, Y/n. And I know that doesn't change anything about what I did. But I'm so sorry." He puts word upon word as if his desperation could change something. "I'm sorry. I was selfish and in a bad place, and she came along and seemed so simple. I didn't think about you or us. But I swear there's nothing left. I realized what was at stake and ended everything.”

It's not a “this never happens” or “you misunderstand” the only thing I get is an apology.

Even though it was already clear, hearing it from him manages to hurt even more. His dark and guilty eyes look at me with such supplication that even staring back at him becomes a difficult task.

"When did this start?”

Lewis lowers his gaze as soon as I finish my question, perhaps out of shame or fear of my reaction to the answer.

"September.”

I break free from his grip as soon as it sinks in.

"You were fucking her while I was going through that hell?!”

I watch tears streaming down his face, but I feel no sympathy. What I want now is for him to suffer even more for the consequences of what he caused himself.

“It was a hard time for me too.”

"No." It's unbelievable that he's playing that card now. "You're not going to do this to me. Not after everything I went through.”

"But it's the truth. We were both living in hell." He says barely a second after I finish speaking.

"And your way of dealing with that was by cheating on me?!” My voice comes out in a scream for the second time tonight.

The adrenaline inside me is so intense that I can't stand still. I take a few steps back from his figure.

"Y/n, you've changed since the diagnosis." The forced laugh that comes out of me is the only thing I can express. "You think I was the one who distanced myself when, in fact, you had already been distant for a long time. You looked at me as if I were to blame for..." He trails off, regret etched on his face the moment he falls silent.

It's like a knife has been plunged into my chest. Even before he finishes, I already knew where this was going.

"Finish it. Tell me, Lewis. Tell me that I looked at you as if you were to blame for my infertility."

"That's not what I meant."

"Yes, it is. It's written all over your face."

"No. I meant because of the situation we were in."

I shake my head as I stare at Lewis incredulously.

"How callous and self-centered does a person have to be to make this kind of deduction?" My voice is low, and the words spill out without much forethought. "I bled for hours, only to receive the most devastating news of my life shortly after. I left that hospital and rebuilt myself piece by piece to try to move on. And during that process, you believed yourself to be too important to not receive the attention you craved and went after that whore to stroke your ego."

Lewis tries to approach me, but I move away as soon as I realize his intention.

"Get away from me!"

"Y/n, please. I would never do that. That's not what I meant. I just want you to understand.”

"There's nothing to understand! What you did has no explanation.”

I turn my back to his figure as I feel tears streaming down my face. I wipe my face with my hands, trying not to let him see me cry. The tears are not just about what he did, it's about everything we went through together. It's about me thinking I had someone on my side who understood me and would never do this to me. But now life feels more raw than ever, and I feel alone. The pain is intense and the feeling is that it will never go away. I feel vulnerable, exposed, and very angry.

I'm not sure I can stand, so I walk over to the couch and sit on the edge of the white cushion. I feel the comfort of the upholstery in contrast to the tension in my body. As I try to calm down, Lewis comes to me and kneels on the floor, putting himself at the same height as me.

Lewis takes some time before speaking again.

"Listen. I love you so much. And I know what I did may be unforgivable. But Y/n, we have been through so much together. I really want to fix this. I don't want to give up on us.”

I don't look at him.

"But you've already done it.”

"No. I made a mistake. The biggest one, but I will never give up on us. I'll do whatever it takes, please.”

My eyes flicker towards him, but I can't bear to hold his gaze for more than a fleeting moment. It's as if looking at him for any longer would be a betrayal to the pain and anger that I feel.

"If only you had been honest. But you lied. That's even worse. You acted like everything was fine when you had just admitted that everything was wrong even before you got involved with her." Lewis wraps his fingers around my ankle as if hoping to change my thoughts with just that touch. "You promised me that whenever something went wrong, we would talk about it. And when it did happen, you just ran away from me. How do you expect me to forgive you for that?"

"Please," he begs me for something that not even he knows.

"I'm going to pack my things."

"No. Y/n, don't do that."

I stand up but can't take more than one step. Lewis comes to me and rests his hands on my shoulders, keeping me in place. I feel exhausted. I think I have no more strength to keep going with this. I've reached my limit tonight, and so has he.

"Stay. This house is yours. I'll sleep in the guest room, but please don't leave. We can talk tomorrow when we're both calmer. Let's give ourselves tonight to think.”

"I've spent the last month thinking. I have nothing else to think about. I don't want to talk to you anymore, Lewis. I don't want this anymore.”

"Y/n, please. It's three in the morning. You have nowhere to go now. Stay here. You don't have to talk to me, but I don't want you driving like this in a nervous state."

His concern seems like a joke, it might have moved me if we weren't in this ridiculous situation.

"If I stay, you're the one who leaves.”

“Y/n...”

“Get your stuff.”

“Where am I supposed to go?”

“I don´t know. I don´t care. Go to her place. Take the opportunity to let her know that you're single now.” I go to the cellar and take the first bottle of wine I find there. “Just be careful with Matteo, he might kill you if he finds out you're fucking his little bride.”

Lewis stares at me for a few seconds before heading towards the bedroom. He knows I can't handle another minute of conversation tonight. Now the only thing I want is distance from him.

I open the wine bottle and pour a glass with a surprising calmness. Perhaps my level of stress and shock is so high that I no longer know how to deal with it.

With the bottle in one hand and the glass in the other, I walk to my office and close the door behind me. I don't want to see him leave, trying to convince myself that it's because I don't want to look at him anymore, but in truth I'm afraid of not letting him pass through the door.

I take every sip of my drink as a desperate attempt to calm my emotions. I am sitting in the armchair in the middle of the dark room, and I can hear every step Lewis takes just a few meters away from me. Sometimes, I can even tell which room he is in.

But then, after a short while, I hear the final thud - the sound of our apartment door closing. And suddenly, silence fills the room, bringing with it an intense cold.

I want to allow myself to cry in this moment, but I can't. Exhaustion takes hold of my body and mind, but I know I won't be able to rest until I know what will happen with us.

Author's notes: CALM DOWN, DON'T FREAK OUT. I'll post chapter 4 soon. I promise it won't take as long as this one did.

Let me tell you, it was a struggle to write this one. I spent hours just to write a few words. It was definitely the hardest one yet.

I kinda feel bad for making Lewis such a asshole. He's like my baby, you know? But hey, we still have a few more chapters left, so who knows what could happen? (Not even I know, haha.)

Anyway, thanks for sticking around and i see you in the next one!

#au fanfiction #lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton fluff #lewis hamilton smut #lewis hamilton x reader #f1 x reader #fanfiction #smut fanfiction #f1 fanfic #f1 imagine #lh44 #lewis hamilton fanfiction #mercedes amg f1 #spotify #fanfic #formula 1 #formula 1 fanfic #formula one #formula one fanfiction

[joons]

barbie is a fun, clever, visual feast with some lovely moments that i am happy to see resonate with people. the movie is definitely worth seeing. but i would only give the film a 3.5/5.

i am now going to talk at length about my thoughts on the film, most of which will be an attempt to understand what is being said here.

i think barbie's acceptance of the gender wars as inevitable and perpetual ends up being more regressive than a lot of what it's trying to critique. it mostly ends in a healthier place, but along the way, it has little ability to make meaning outside of that frame. i loved the interactions barbie had with older women, particularly ruth, and i think there's a wonderful message there about girls needing both aspirational role models and grounded older mentors who can help them manage any obstacles they find. what a wonderful theme, and one that is given subtle, genuine weight, which i prefer over the more overt, "telling" moments the film does throughout. but a lot of the story gets sidetracked in assuming women's role is tricking men (a role foisted on them as a reaction to the patriarchy, so don't blame them) and that any true reconciliation or mutual support between men and women is only based on pity. i think the film could have landed better as a reflection on womanhood if it actually dared to be about ... women. if it could imagine women as more. if it truly tried to show the complex roller-coaster of emotions instead of staying stuck in one gear.

i have seen people say how ironic it is that ken is the best part of a barbie film, but it's true, on even deeper levels than people realize. why is ken the only one with true agency, whose feelings are true to himself and not a reflection of someone playing with him? where is the boy playing with his sister's dolls and desperately trying to understand why he feels so inadequate? why are those questions never asked in a film that generates endless questions and observations about human frailty? none of the barbies are capable of doing anything for themselves; they are easily brainwashed by the kens, and all it takes to shake them out of it is a speech about how "complex" women are. kens just have to accept themselves as they are to be happy; barbies have to believe they are doing something productive and worthwhile. except main barbie, who feels like she can't do anything meaningful, because this movie thinks the different barbies are genuinely incapable of doing something if they don't have an outfit to go with it. if the point is that she feels less than because she has seen the real world and feels unprepared for it, well, none of the other barbies would have fared better. astronaut barbie couldn't get a job at nasa, just like beach ken can't get a job at beach. the one time we see barbie make a choice for herself, unprompted by others, unburdened from her anxieties, is to ... go to the gynecologist. um. empowering. i guess.

(i think the ken/barbie plot would have worked better if they were "packaged" together. there's no real reason this ken has the crisis, why barbie feels any special responsibility for him.)

the fact that barbie begins to feel angst and anxiety as a result of real women's insecurities is fascinating; in being the avatar of girls' hopes, she also becomes their "competition," a symbol of all their grief and all their inadequacies. maybe you can see how kens get off easy here; they are not evolved enough; they will never be chosen by the gods as friends or idols or objects of hatred. that could have been explored more, especially through the mother-daughter relationship. why do teenagers begin pulling away from their mothers? perhaps for the same reason they grow out of barbie, because they want to be something beyond the touchstones of femininity they have. they want to be their own person and have to separate themselves, but the girls their age are obsessed with tearing each other down and taking their insecurities out on each other because they feel broken. barbie was experiencing that rejection for the first time. the film could have had something to say about how women can be cruel to one another as they struggle to find their own paths, but it's understandable and part of learning to identify what feels real and true to you. but none of the human characters have enough screentime to address any of this.

i liked the point that women dolls are saddled with the same impossible standards that many women feel. they're blamed in society for women's insecurities and also become totemic, like, "we gave you barbie, what more do you want?" i get that, i get the frustration that animates some of the plot, but i couldn't relate to it all that much. but it does ring true for me that b a r b i e as a concept, a company, a doll, is not the problem or the solution. she's just cool.

("why not make barbies that are relatable and normal?" the movie suggests. oh my god....... 💀 💀 💀 what year is this?)

i think allan (almost inadvertently, or at least subtly) makes the movie's best point: the lack of expectations can be an incredible gift. without them, you are free to become your own person on your own time instead of feeling less than because you're comparing yourself to others. we must all be allan. allan is our friend.

there are honestly so many smart concepts and sly commentary here that feel buried in Telling Not Showing; like the ken war was SO funny, and it would have hit hard if we saw the barbies struggling to find a way to understand and interact with the kens ... and they decide to play nice before realizing jealousy and competition seem to motivate the kens ... and then the kens do the most ken thing and do a normandy reenactment to gain women's attention. that's so archetypal, such a funny nod to the cyclical weirdness of human history, to the idea that women (and men) work within the system that is created for or against them, using the tools they have, living up to the gender roles/models they've been taught! but because the characters are like "i know what we will do. we will manipulate them and then they will go to war because they are men!" it's like ... ugh. it messes up the pacing of that whole sequence. it kills the surprise and delight of watching it unfold, so all we can react to are the sight gags (giving mouth to mouth to the horse lmaoooo) and the juxtoposition of war film and gene kelly musical. but the actual gender role commentary is stated so explicitly, afraid to question itself, afraid to say anything surprising or insightful, that it amounts to putting everyone right back in their box. the film tries to balance this at the end, pitying patriarchy as a cope against death, trying to empower the kens to be themselves, but it refuses to imagine any true healing or change, anything beyond "well, kids need to imagine barbieland as a matriarchal utopia, even though we have established that doing so leaves them unprepared for a world of unfair standards they can't control." all women can expect to do is fight for a land of dreams, but always know that the most that land can achieve is creating an image that will be sold back to them as empowerment. genuinely, what the FUCK is the point of this film. oh, it's too hard to say that imagination is what makes us human and that ultimately means more than the object. again, the film will outright state some version of this idea ("I want to do the imagining, I don't want to be the idea"), but every other part of the plot undercuts it with its own failure to imagine women as more than reactive.

and it had the chance to let women be real characters! (hell, does this movie even remember that barbie has Lore, a Family, a Last Name, that she hasn't been "just a doll" in a long, long time?) but the film seems to set up plots that would have given us organic interactions and fully realized characters. i got so excited when america's character, gloria, showed up, because okay, we're going to be able to explore womanhood through the eyes of a real person, we're going to see the push and pull between idealized utopias and dreams and real-world survival and hope and despair by learning more about her. but no. gloria is there to give a speech that doesn't sum up her life and her passions but all women in very generic terms. it's not experiential, it's definitional (and it's a definition built on what a woman is not -- not this, not this, can't be that). it is relying on the audience to point and say, "i recognize that," instead of building gloria as a person we love and know and laugh and cry with. you are building a wall between the story and your audience; if they never had "complicated feelings" about barbie, if they aren't sure why gloria cares so much about the doll while her daughter has such a negative reaction, then it is not going to let them in and explain that. it is going to say, "if you don't get it, you are brainwashed, probably, or a man, and you don't want to see it, and i am not going to open it up to you because it is an exclusive club, intentionally, because it is the only club we have, and i am not going to open it up to further ridicule or commentary, even though that is what this entire movie is doing." gah! tell a story! tell a STORY! surprise me! why are we just pointing at things?

i'm telling you, when barbie sits on that bench and has an interaction with an older lady, who is totally at ease in her own skin, who is un-selfconscious and not angry and peaceful, it brought immediate tears to my eyes. it was such a breath of fresh air. a real person, reacting in a way that surprises and moves you. what was her story. who is she. what is her secret to confidence and balance, and how can women share that with one another. no no no, go go go, take on capitalism and patriarchy until you're too tired to remember how to laugh, this is healthy and good. @~@

ultimately i am talking about the themes i wish were there or wish were more emphasized because the messages that are there feel contradictory. for instance, the kens' patriarchy is shallow and cartoonish, both in barbieland and the real world (that mattel executives were just as stupid and pointless as TOY PEOPLE was so INTERESTING to me; like what does it mean that men can still "play," and get paid enormously for it? but it's kind of just "isn't this dumb"), and the barbies are more than happy to manipulate their kens' emotions to get what they want. america ferrera tells barbie she is justified to feel mad at ken for what he did to her and her friends. but in the next scene, barbie comforts ken and connects to his feelings of vulnerability. it feels like the movie is rolling its eyes through the scene, when it could have been a really beautiful, sweet moment where humanity is recognized as universal, a true "man was not meant to be alone" moment of meaning, turned inside out and shaken and reconfigured as complementary and supportive, where barbie and ken realize community is crucial to weathering their own insecurities and flawed emotional responses, and maybe you can need someone without making it your whole personality. maybe the fear of connection is something all girls start to struggle with as they become teenagers, and they need that world where men don't want anything from them, and they want to cling to it a little longer than necessary. but because it's been bookended with "of course he's going to cry about it, don't give in, it's not your job to support him," the emotional core of the scene is undercut by shallower stuff. the scene genuinely reads like "placating men is important and you should do it," which is INSANE to me, but that's what is coming across with the wild whiplash between rage and sweetness, denying kens any humanity the whole film and trying to patch it up right at the end. barbie's ennui stems from the fact that a weary mother is playing with her, but the rest of the barbies - and the film as a whole - feel puppeted by the surly teenager who has not moved beyond rage-filled one-liners. i don't like that this is the case because those moments of human connection (barbie with the older woman on the bench, the mother-daughter relationship, even ken trying to understand why he cares so much what other people think of him) are so great. we're just supposed to ... not apply compassion to characters the film doesn't like. and we are supposed to like the characters we do like not because we are experiencing their lives with them but because they are saying The Right Things Loudly.

(and don't you love how the film even has a prepackaged response to being criticized? wanting men to be real people is brainwashed behavior. wanting women to have thoughts that go beyond regurgitated feminism 101 catchphrases is asking too much of a plastic toy. it's just a reflection or reality, see, but it's also exaggerated satire. i think the glib tone just crept into everything and made for some wild subtext that i don't even think the film recognizes.)

greta gerwig is more successful at dealing with the tension between made "things" and real life in little women. jo, as a stand-in for louisa may alcott, is resistant to getting jo "married off" and only caves in to get the book published. but the life and joy still sing in the scene where she reunites with bhaer, even when the audience is already primed to see it as artificial and cynical. the play between what jo says she wants and what jo indulges in is obvious; we can find joy and light even in the things that feel like a compromise of our principles. sometimes they are better than life, better than what we could imagine, they take on lives of their own, they become little women who exist off the page and no longer have to carry the burden of being "The One Narrative For Women" because they spark thousands of other stories and hopes and longings that the author doesn't have to be responsible for. as much as i waffle on whether i like the ending of gerwig's little women, it's clear that part of greta is throwing up her hands, in a "but what do i know?" gesture ... indulgent romance might just be the little antidote we need to stave off the lonely feelings we get sometimes. it's not weak, it's not a compromise, it's just cool.

for whatever reason, she doesn't bring that same verve or ambiguity to this film; she can't infuse barbie with meaning beyond what her critics say about her. barbies, like women, have to be perfect, but they can't be. they can't be totems, but they are. we must get away from them, but we can't. they are creations of men, but women can't think their way out of the box. barbie is an immortal ideal, but none of what she symbolizes has any impact.

"that's the point. it's complicated," greta says to me. "my job here is done."

"but declaring things complicated is not a point of view!" i yell back. "you didn't do anything!"

maybe i am too invested in barbie to even recognize that people have such negative feelings about her. maybe i have seen this premise done better in the lego movie, teen beach movie, barbie: life in the dreamhouse! (all of which genuinely love toys and kids/teen media and are not using them to sort out their own disgruntled feelings — and have a genuine belief that even flawed media bankrolled into existence can be real art, something gerwig seems so skeptical about that she lets her ambivalence about taking on this particular directorial gig become the driving tension in the story. how ... relatable?) maybe i have unresolved issues with greta's themes from little women and am now realizing how little she seems to get the things that matter to me, and we just need to part ways.

as anthony lane writes in the new yorker, "maybe the movie is for greta gerwig. and, by extension, for anyone as super-smart as her—former barbiephiles, preferably, who have wised up and put away childish things."

to that, i'd put a quote from c.s. lewis, whose work greta will soon try to get her hands around: "when i became a man i put away childish things, including the fear of childishness and the desire to be very grown up." the soul shudders at a narnia, a barbieland, a march family home, that are only notable for how "complicated" our feelings about them are supposed to be, and i think that puts my thoughts on greta's work into words.

now ... proust barbie, i would buy.

#barbie spoilers #did not appreciate the zack snyder dig either obvs obvs #barbie #barbie (2023)

[cybiirz]

ೃ⁀➷ LATE NIGHT REALISATIONS

Gepard x Gn!Reader

Sypnosis : You had managed to successfully escape the scene and left the Captain to fend for himself. The aftermath of said scene could not be one which you had expected however. Turns out, taking a late night walk with an old friend can lead to realisations, ones of different kinds…

WC : 3.1k

Warnings : None! Fluffy, could turn angsty…Tiny mention of Sampo, idiots in love..? The reader plays as two different people for the plot, you will see what I mean but please keep in mind that the thief and reader are the same just in case you forget! Might make a part 3 before I go back to school <3

Read part 1 || part 2 || part 2.5 || part 3

Ever since the entire café debuckle, the people of the Underworld had been given the food and water that they needed. The food was mainly given towards the sick as many had been living in anguish due to the lack of nutrients that they were receiving. Whereas the drinks were equally spread out among the people, allowing as many people to get their fill.

It pained you in all honesty, to see these people living a life that they had no choice to live in. If they were born here, they would stay here. Well, apart from the exception of Bronya, but, not many people knew of her story in the first place.

Nevertheless, you sat with the children of Boulder Town as you supervised the little rascals who ran around together. Not really doing anything, simply just messing around in general. It was entertaining to say the least. You were perched up on a crate as you giggled at their antics before hearing a ping from your phone this time.

After picking up the device, a message from Sampo was clear as day on the screen. You clicked onto the scammer’s message before reading said message. Now, it turns out, that strange lady who had guided you down the furnace the first time was not-so-surprisingly a man. A man named Sampo, who had unbelievable amounts of charisma. Whilst you were aware of his… dealings, if you will, you had grown fairly close with the man. But that didn’t mean you could avoid his teasing remarks.

“Yo (name), I was just up on the streets when I saw more wanted posters of you. Looks like that Captain is on your back, be careful (╥︣﹏᷅╥᷅)” You let out a scoff after reading his message. Of course Gepard would be more cautious of you ever since that whole situation.

You ran a hand through your hair and let out a sigh before sitting back slightly. Well, looks like stealing from the Underworld would prove to be more of a challenge from now on. Thankfully, going up as little ol’ (name) was still an option. No one would ever suspect you.

Meanwhile, up on the surface…

It was late at night now, the bright specks of light scattered the sky as the moon shone down onto the ghost-like streets. Gepard was finally given some time to take rest as a few of his guards had sworn to protect the land. Not to mention that the rate of Fragmentum monsters was not as large back in that area. Soon enough however, he would have to get back to protecting the city.

The said man was sitting in his bathtub, the warm water reaching just below his collarbone as his arms rested on the edges of the tub. His eyes were closed as his breathing was steady. His mind was constantly clouded with the thoughts of strategies on how to push the front line forward and different formations on how to take on the monsters.

But that was not the only thing. You had become a much larger target to him, which only caused you to be on his radar at all times. Gepard’s mind finally thought about what happened at the last meeting with you. After being dragged away by a few of the guards, he had woken up and immediately snagged his weapon which was laid beside him, next to his bed.

Even with the constant nagging of him being told to not leave until they were sure that no side effects had taken place, the Captain still refused and was practically on the hunt for you. His long strides took him back to the place of the crime which had guards surveilling the area and a few more checking for clues. At the sight of the Captain, they each straightened up and addressed him.

After giving a nod back, he began to look around himself. His eyes were peeled for anything that seemed out of place, and lo and behold, a glittering object was dropped onto the floor. Immediately, his gloved hand reached out and picked up the object before inspecting it. It seemed to be a badge of some sort, except the carving on said badge had worn out overtime it seems. Definitely was not taken care of, he thought.

The only thing that seemed to concern the man was that this badge looked strangely familiar. After looking around and seeing that the guards were more focused on cleaning up the place, Gepard pocketed the badge and planned to show it to his sister to see if she recognised it. He highly doubted that the Silvermane guards could create any connections with it.

That badge was now laying on the countertop beside him. Slowly, he opened his eyes and grabbed the object before observing it again. It was all so disturbing how he recognised the piece of metal but also didn’t. His brows furrowed as he kept searching in his mind what on earth could be the link between him and this.

Eventually, a groan of frustration could be heard as he placed it back down. Gepard had caught a glimpse of his fingertips as they began to prune up just a bit, as he realised he had to probably leave the bath now.

The droplets of water cascaded down his fairly well built body as he wrapped a towel tightly around his waist. Grabbing a separate towel, he began to dry his hair in the mirror, watching as his blonde strands became all messy. He let the smaller towel wrap around his neck as he grabbed the edge of the sink before letting out a deep groan. This whole thing was becoming more frustrating by the second.

However, he chose to try and take his mind off of it as he treaded out of the bathroom, still drying his hair with one side of the towel, the other still laying on his shoulder. Gepard’s balcony windows were open as the somewhat harsh midnight breeze blew his curtains in towards the room. The moon light poured through the gap as it fell silent, the curtains now swaying gently as if dancing.

The silence was suddenly broken as a crash could be heard from outside. Gepard instantly dashed to look off the balcony ledge, only to see a shadowed figure who had knocked over a bin and was frantically trying to clean up the mess now made.

His captain-like mindset caused him to get dressed swiftly, his hair still slightly wet as he threw his clothes on. Maybe, just maybe, this was the thief that he had longed to capture. Even if it was not, he would still be helping an innocent citizen, right?

Meanwhile, with you…

After saying farewell to the children and hugging their parents goodbye, you left Boulder Town through the furnace core. Your body had managed to adapt to the seemingly endless flight of stairs, yet you were still lacking air when you reached the top.

Still feeling slightly woozy from your loss of oxygen, you stumbled around slightly and held yourself up against the wall. Thank goodness it was night time, otherwise people may have taken you for an extreme drunkard. You began walking, still keeping yourself upright with the wall.

Just as you felt well enough to walk normally after catching your breath, you pushed yourself off of the stone material. Unfortunately, in the process of doing so, you had managed to bump into one of the metal bins which were scattered in the streets.

The material instantly collided with the pavement and made probably the loudest noise ever! (It was not that loud, only seemed that way due to the quiet streets.)

“Shit, shit, shit!” Panicking slightly, you kneeled down and began cleaning up the mess, much to your disgust. There wasn’t much in that trash can, only a poster of a terribly drawn black haired man, a few soda cans and some leftover food.

You cringed at the smell but cleaned it all up eventually. After getting the bin to stand upright again, you exhaled and turned around, only to spot a certain figure coming towards you. You squinted your eyes to try and focus on the figure as it progressively came closer to you. The figure took impressively long strides as it appeared in front of you in what seemed like less than a second.

Before you knew it, you were staring at the face of Gepard himself. You widened your eyes in shock and became slightly scared before you realised that you were (name), not the thief of Belobog right now. So you simply lifted your hand and scratched the back of your neck as you stared up at him.

“Evening Gepard. How are you?” You asked him with a nervous expression. But of course, you wouldn’t escape his observant gaze as you watched him raise his eyebrow.

“(Name)? What are you doing out here so late? Are your parents not worried about you?” He questions with concern. The two of you knew each other when you were still kids. In fact, you two were actually great friends. But as Gepard grew older, more training had cursed him which caused you to slowly grow apart from each other. You still talked from time to time, but even that was put on hold as you became the thief which he was unaware of. You did feel guilty having to put him through such things, but it was for a good cause. You just never believed there was any way to convince him of that.

“My parents are fine, and uhm, I’m out here cause…?” Your eyes darted around quickly to look for an excuse before you looked up slightly and spotted the full moon. “Ah yes! I was out here to watch the moon. Not every night you get to see the full moon in all its glory you know?” You applauded yourself internally at your save.

Gepard looked up and noticed the moon as well before letting a noise of agreement. “Well, I suppose that is true. But you should not be out at this time, it’s midnight and you should be getting home,” He replied after looking back at you. Somehow he was all dressed in his uniform, you guessed that either he was on patrol already or was just incredibly fast at getting changed.

“I guess…Well, I’ll get going now!” Your response was quick as you wanted to leave right away. Even though he knew not of your “other self”, you still felt awkward to be in his presence. Quickly, you began to walk off as you held your head straight before hearing his footsteps slowly catch up to you. You turned your head immediately, only to catch him walking just a bit behind you. “You need something?” You asked.

“I was just thinking that I should escort you home. It’s late and I wouldn’t want anything to happen to an old friend,” Gepard replied sheepishly with a faint but noticeable tone of pink on his cheeks. You paused momentarily before thinking. The two of you haven’t had a proper conversation in a while, what’s the harm anyway?

“Sure I guess, as long as you’re not busy,” You said to him before turning and slowly walking again. He gave no reply and instead walked beside you, his boots making loud footsteps in contrast to your light shoes. The silence that fell among you two was comfortable in a way. It felt quite nice to simply be as the two of you were before, old friends who did almost everything together. The silence was broken when Gepard spoke up.

“So, how has life been treating you recently?” He questioned in a hushed tone as his gaze stayed straight. Your breath hitched just barely at his ask, obviously you couldn’t tell him about the robberies. Hell, he’d probably execute you on the spot. So instead you made up a lie.

“Ah, nothing much. Just been relaxing at home most of the time. I guess that’s why I wanted to come out tonight, missed the cold air. What about you?” Your reply was smooth, thank goodness. He thought for a second before speaking.

“It’s been…Alright, I suppose,” He said bluntly. You could tell something was bothering him, and it was most likely the thief thing. But you wanted to hear him say it for himself, so you pushed just a little bit.

“Oh? Only alright? Usually you would say it’s been at least great with the front line. Is there anything else on your mind?” You tried not to make yourself sound too persistent. But it seemed that whatever was on his mind was bothering him too much to even notice.

“Well…just do not tell anyone ok?” He asked, looking at you briefly. You answered with a nod, suddenly becoming a bit concerned. He sighed deeply before speaking.

“Recently, there’s been this thief that keeps popping up more often. You might’ve heard of them since they’ve gotten more common nowadays. But honestly, it’s been stressing me to no end, no matter how hard I try, they always manage to escape. They leave pretty much no pieces of evidence and, as much as I dislike my emotions to get the better of me, it infuriates me sometimes,” He was complaining now, that’s for sure. You smiled internally at your success, but of course you still felt somewhat bad. I mean, you were doing this to a friend, albeit an old friend but still. But before you could even give a reply, he began speaking again.

“But that’s not it,” He brought his hand up to cover his mouth slightly. You looked at him confused before spotting his cheeks become slightly more red, and it was only growing the more he spoke about the thief. “They’re always giving me a challenge, that’s one thing I appreciate. But for crying out loud, whenever I’m near them, I cannot help but feel as if I’m falling deeper into them. Their teasing, when they mock me, when they beat me. It only makes me more intrigued and it’s just…I cannot even describe it,” He seemed to be almost whining but also…complimenting you? This was not something you had ever seen in him that’s for sure.

But you didn’t reply for a while this time. You kept your head held low as you felt a bit of blood rushing to your cheeks. What on earth was he thinking by saying something like that? I mean, it was certainly something to hear him talk about you in such a way, but it was like a different person. You wore different clothes when you acted as a thief, you wore a mask and you mostly wore a hood to hide your hair colour. As you opened your mouth to speak, Gepard managed to get the first word in.

“My apologies if that was too much information. I just needed to get it off my chest, I hope you’re not uncomfortable,” He spoke with a bashful face as he turned to look at you with nervousness in his eyes. You reciprocated the action as you faced him as well.

“No no, it’s fine, I don’t mind. Besides, we used to share everything together, right?” You replied as you put your hands up beside you to show him it was truly alright.

“Thank you, (name). Although I cannot stress how much I would like for you to keep this between us?” He questioned.

“Of course, I don’t plan on telling anyone, do not worry,” You answered with a smile. Silence encased the two of you again as you slowly continued making your way back home.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, you approached the steps towards your door. You made your way up the small yet wide steps before turning back and bowing your head to thank Gepard. He told you it was no problem as the two of you stood in silence for a moment. You looked away briefly before turning and opening the door. As you turned the knob, your eyes switched back to the man behind you before saying one last thing.

“It seems you don’t hate that thief as much as you think Gepard. You talked about them like you actually enjoyed their company,” You said with a gentle laugh before smiling slightly. His eyes were wide with surprise as you left him there to wonder what your words meant.

After entering a not shockingly empty house, you made your way up to your room and immediately got changed before flopping onto your bed. You laid on your back with your forearm across your forehead and your other arm on your abdomen. You stared up at the ceiling as you thought about what Gepard had said. Was he really truthful with his words? Did he actually feel those things for you? Was what you said afterwards completely stupid?

You didn’t know anymore. All you knew was that you had to sleep to take your mind off of this. It was all too much, and it was honestly making you overthink everything. So you let your eyes flutter shut as you drifted off into a deep slumber.

Meanwhile with Gepard…

He stood at your steps for a few seconds as he took in your words. Were you right? No, there was no way he enjoyed that criminal’s company. They violated the code and conduct that this city was meant to preserve. And they always mocked him. He would never enjoy such a thing, no way. He kept trying to convince himself.

Gepard looked around a bit and observed the two statues that lay parallel to each other, just next to your door steps. He found himself zoning out for a second before he felt his face contort into one of bewilderment. Upon closer inspection, he noticed some sort of crest carved into the centre of the statues, most likely symbolising your family name.

The captain inched closer and stared at the carving for a while. Why did he feel like he had seen that before? But where. He then remembered that it most certainly was your family crest, since when the two of you would play together, he would spot this exact symbol on your parents uniform.

So why on earth did he feel as if he had seen it again. But not during your childhood. After snapping back to reality, he quickly realised how odd he looked staring at a statue, even if there was no one around to see him. He turned away embarrassed before striding back to his living quarters. He looked back at your house and watched the final light turn off, leaving the place in complete darkness.

All he knew was that there was something about your family that was bothering him. And he would get to the bottom of it, even if it killed him…

A/N : Second fanfic done and dusted. Although it may not be a lot I cannot thank the people who have currently liked, reblogged and commented on my first fic enough. I was honestly so surprised when I actually received notifications of people reading my work and enjoying it. If enough requests are made, I will happily make a part 3 as I have loadsss of ideas for this kind of series. Of course, if you would like a different character story, feel free to leave a request and I will get it done as soon as possible!

#honkai star rail #hsr #hsr x y/n #hsr x reader #hsr x gender neutral reader #hsr x gn reader #honkai x you #honkai star rail x reader #gepard x you #gepard landau #gepard fluff #gepard x y/n #honkai gepard #gepard x reader #hsr gepard

[holdontohopelove]

I think my biggest issue with the whole thing is that while the Season 2 finale is exceptional, it's only exceptional in the context of Season 2.

Let me explain.

I saw on X last night that people were raving about the finale, calling it the best Marvel work in years, the "Andor" of the MCU. And it was a blockbuster finale especially compared to some of the other studio projects lately.

HOWEVER, it's a good end for Season 2, if it was an anthology. Or if you came into Season 2 without much knowledge of or emotional investment in Season 1. Because Season 2 and Season 1 barely seem like the same show.

The new characters. The time splitting and the multiverse and the overall weirdness of the whole thing. Sylvie basically being a side character. Mobius and Loki being the dynamic duo of the season (Not bashing, just observing). The extra time spent on Timely and Renslayer and Ms. Minutes. Whatever was left hanging in Season 1 stayed hanging in Season 2 as Season 2 went in a totally different direction with totally different vibes. Quite literally, it felt like different branched timelines of the same fucking series.

So with that being said, the finale went perfectly with Season 2. It was, in some ways, exactly what was supposed to happen if you only look at Season 2. Loki saves his friends. Loki completes his "villain to hero" arc. Loki becomes the true god he was always capable of being.

But if you try to connect Season 1 to Season 2, the finale falls short immensely. Because no matter what or how you ship, very little of what went on makes sense in the context of the Sylvie and Loki connection. Yes, he sacrifices his life as it was and could have been for her free will and for her to live her life. Yes, he loves her too much to kill her. But everything else that Season 1 laid down - the nexus event, the "you go, I go", their magic being stronger together, Loki's obvious temptation at the two of them together on the timeline - Season 2 never picks any of it up. With the possible exception of Loki making the final choice so that Sylvie can be "okay" (and this is NOT said, just an inference on my part), none of it really connects.

Yes, he's a hero. Yes, he sacrifices himself for his friends. Yes, he loved Sylvie too much to kill her. Yes, the TVA is revamped and ready for Kang. Yes, Sylvie and Mobius get to live life with free will. But where, where was any of the resolution needed from Season 1? Like so many other people have said, even if EVERYTHING ELSE stayed the same, having Sylvie and Loki have a deeper moment when time was frozen, or a more meaningful goodbye, or ANYTHING that addressed the connection from Season 1 would have bridged the seasons. And truthfully, I think the strongest bridge between the seasons would have been if Sylvie chose in that moment of her own free will to stay with him. How do you spent one season building up these two characters as being so deeply connected and then basically have them never address that connection in the next season?

Separately, each season is amazing. But to try to put them together as one cohesive, satisfying series doesn't work at all.

Is it just me here? (No hate, please, I come in peace).

#loki #loki season 2 #loki series #loki laufeyson #loki spoilers #sylvie laufeydottir #sylvie #sylki #marvel mcu #marvel

[starbylers]

Hi. Can you tell us how do you believe byler will happen in s5 in the most realistic way? How the love triangle will be resolved?

Hi :) I usually hesitate to make specific s5 predictions because I have a feeling it will be different from what any of us expect so I don’t want to pretend I’ve got all the answers. That being said:

These are my general thoughts/predictions going into season 5:

First, I think it’s likely El will spend a lot of time bonding with Lucas (because of Max–didn’t Caleb allude to this already?), and probably Hopper too. I think she’s really going to come into her independence and realise Mike’s ‘love’ isn’t doing anything except holding her back. We see throughout the series that her character develops when she is not with Mike and stagnates/regresses when they are dating. With her parental figure returned to protect and support her, and newfound determination to achieve her goal i.e. save her best friend (something Mike’s ‘love’ couldn’t help her do), she really has like…not much need for him? I think El got what she thought she wanted (Mike’s confession), only to find it wasn’t what she really needed (it didn’t help her win in the end), and she’s going to be processing this come s5.

I think Mike will recognise that El is pulling away and direct his attention to the person who actually does need him: Will. We already see the beginnings of this in ‘2 days later’: El isolates herself in her old room, clearly not happy, and Mike chooses to comfort Will instead of going to her. Same pattern as in the final shot: El walks away from Mike, alone, and he stays by Will’s side.

Mike and Will are likely going to spend a large chunk of the season together. This has been foreshadowed (‘We have to kill him’/‘We will’, them paired in the final shot). Will is probably going to find himself in danger early on (he’s the supernatural focus of the season and it’s confirmed they are jumping straight into the action), which will bring the return of s2 Mike in full force.

I think we will get a lot of romantic tension, and references to their history to remind the audience how special their relationship really is. And most crucially: the gradual unveiling of what’s really going on in Mike’s head—probably while he himself is coming to terms with all of it—so the audience can begin to piece together why he’s changed so much since s3. I’m not sure how they will do this (more explicit pining? Vecna? Mike confiding in someone else?) but it’s really important otherwise Will is going to look like a second choice.

Thinking about the break up, mid-season is most likely to me because I just don’t believe Mike or El are quite there yet in their arcs for an early season split. Imo, Mike still needs to process that his ‘feelings’ for El are rooted in attachment/codependency (though I do think on some level he is aware that he’s not actually in love, which is why he did everything in his power to avoid the word—friends don’t lie), which will naturally happen when he starts to accept that how he feels for Will is what love is supposed to feel like. El also needs time to fully understand that she’s better off without their ‘romance’. The time-skip is a mystery to me, but I think Mlvn have to break up before it happens. (If their relationship makes it another two years and then Byler happens, Will is again going to look like a second choice and no-one is going to buy it).

As for how the break up would actually go down, I can’t be sure but I hope it will be amicable and light-hearted (maybe even a bit funny like an ‘I dump your ass’ callback as I think El is most likely to initiate), just one of those things that feels inevitable when it happens as they’ve both been spending time apart and prioritising other people and realising they’re actually happier that way. That would make sense if everything I have said up to this point is how it happens. Of course it could be more dramatic, but I think either way it will be emotional and end with them hugging it out.

After that…I don’t think we have enough to go off for any solid theory. But what I personally believe is that there will be a very dramatic confession scene for Mike and Will. I’m talking like Max’s running up that hill scene level of drama. Flashbacks and everything. I just think there will have been way too much build up and if they’re going to go for Byler, they really need to commit to it. I think it’s going to be one of them trying to save the other's life.

I obviously do think they will have quieter moments after though—maybe this is when they kiss. And I truly don’t believe El is going to be heartbroken over Mike and Will. I think by the time anything happens between them, El will have come to terms with how incompatible her and Mike were. I am of the belief that El likes the idea of Mike more than she actually likes/wants Mike. I don’t think she will struggle to move on once she realises this. Honestly I kind of hope the three of them can laugh about it in the end because that would be so healing to see.

That’s how I see it generally, but like I said I leave room for myself to be proven wrong and I’m always open to different interpretations (especially about Mike). Also, I don’t really see it as a love triangle? I mean it is one, in the technical sense. But I think that implies Mike is going to be ‘choosing’ between Will and El, and I really don’t think that’s the story here. I think for Mike it’s a story of realising it’s okay to be who you are (in a general sense and about his sexuality), and with that comes accepting who the right person for you actually is. Hope this answers your question!

#byler #anti mileven

[void-botanist]

I would love to know about the elbas sitcom AU (<- big sitcom enjoyer)

Tbh it wouldn't be that different from their actual lives, lol, just played up for comedy. Also this was such a fun response to write that I did not stop myself and I just kept inventing stuff.

A lot of these characters are discussed in this powerpoint post.

Some recurring bits:

No one can remember Casper's name even when he's standing in front of them, except Nidilaenn (his kid) and Vinnek. They all call him Pa (which they do IRL) or some random name ("he has a John face"). Regardless of whether he's there or not everyone is always talking about his whirlwind romance that took him out to the Vale and left them with one less prankster. You know he always returns for the solstice episode.

People go "where's Nidilaenn" and then we immediately cut to Nid in their boat. The funny part is where the boat is this time.

"El this might be easier if you don't get so frustrated" [Ellery turns back toward the camera with the nastiest look on his face] "I'm not frustrated"

There's always a new random nonroot staying at the Yellow House to witness the shenanigans and mostly laugh them off as "wow this island is weird haha"

The nonroot is also always shocked when they find out that they were not wrong, Madge is in fact twice her husband Rigo's age, and those ages are 120 and ~60.

Madge and Rigo are only on the island half the time. The other half they're traveling the mainland and getting called back to Elbas for increasingly ridiculous reasons. While they're away someone else has to care for the lighthouse (which is why IRL they don't actually travel that much).

Herric is always meddling in something. Frequently it has a butterfly effect, where they do something tiny like borrow Milo's butter and by the middle of the episode the island is in shambles.

Herric and Urielte are the "they should just be together" couple of the series, and to be honest they don't disagree (like if they just said "nah we're friends" people would drop it but they've never said that). However they do keep coming up with increasingly silly excuses for why they won't (the real reason is Herric doesn't want to have another breakup and Urielte just doesn't give a shit about formalities).

When someone needs information, Vinnek always has a book on that. Unless it's about legal histories or contract law, in which case Milo has a book on that.

Ysa sets the mood perfectly as a bartender but never serves alcohol. Thon keeps coming up with increasingly complex names for thons juice cocktails.

While working at the docks or the lighthouse Rigo has seen sea monsters of all kinds and just shrugs it off and goes back to his book.

Madge has a bike. The island is small. She tends to ride down the lighthouse hill into town but sometimes she rides into the sea instead (Rigo: [looks up] Madge: [rides right off the end of the dock] Rigo: [goes back to his book, then does a double take]).

This would make more sense in an anime but I thought it so I'm going to say it: sometimes Nid and El grab hands and go "because the power of friendship" with the dramatic eye shine and everything.

There are as many explanations as to why Rae is missing a leg as there are islanders. Even she doesn't give the same answer every time, but she always mentions the ankle bracelet she lost.

Some episode concepts:

Some nonroot comes to stay at the Yellow House and Tirias starts spending all her time with them. Ysa and Amadjes are like "you should branch out" and Tirias is like "noooo" and all bashful about it, because the reason she's hanging around them is because they understand her obsession with an extremely niche media property that no one else gets.

A nonroot can't tell the difference between Amadjes and their cousins Amelie, Aloysius, and Asteras and convinces them all to make increasingly strange fashion choices. For some reason their dad Emil was off-island when this happens and upon his return he can't tell them apart because of the fashion.

Milo's parents Marietta and Tem come to visit and it's a series of humorously awkward interactions between Milo & Herric and Marietta & Tem, to the point that Herric will say something like "what the fuck" to Marietta (their kid) and then immediately turn to Tem and say "I find this somewhat confusing". When Milo mentions Tem to the Council they all offer their own advice: Ellery talks about not getting frustrated, Nid wants to formulate a strategy based on who swept who off their feet, Patience suggests getting kombucha-drunk with them, Tirias says to look for their passion. Somehow all of these become relevant over the course of their relationship-building.

Someone discovers that "the reason" Herric and Urielte won't officially get together is because they don't want to move into each other's houses. So they orchestrate moving one to the other, then vice versa, then into a separate third house, and it all goes really badly and they have to be moved back.

After the previous episode, Herric's ex-wife and estranged son return to demand something from them, probably money- and/or goods-related. Herric ends up moving in and/or getting the equivalent of a Vegas marriage with Urielte to fend her off. Everyone is disappointed when they ultimately undo it all.

Binna's launch is approaching and Milo is just trying to enjoy spending time with her but everywhere he goes are just silly reminders that she's leaving ("that weirdly suggestive calendar has a rocket in it!").

Patience's teenage grandkids come to visit and everyone is super impressed by them because uep twins are rare. They use this to their advantage. Everyone also wonders whether Patience knows what's going on, because of course they pull the most nonsense when she's not around, but she knows exactly and she thinks it's incredibly funny to play the doddering old lady.

Rae gets into a dispute with the owner of the Evly radio station she runs a weekly music show on. Madge (her sister) and Tirias (who regularly plays on the show and also has technical knowledge) decide to team up and start an Elbas radio station. This turns out to be a lot harder than they expect. It would be fun if they managed it though because then we could have a radio station set.

The port authority of Port Danziger, which is several hundred miles away on the mainland, approaches the Council and suggests they pay for docking rights even though that doesn't make any logistical sense. Nidilaenn sets out to discover whether it really is that far to sail (answer: yes) and encounters a variety of nonsense situations on the way.

A new arrival asks about Rae's leg. She says it was a sea monster. We then discover that the sea monsters only Rigo seems to notice are in fact real, but don't really hang around the island because there's not much meat there. The new arrival does not succeed in locating Rae's fabled ankle bracelet.

Following the previous episode, a human sneaks meat onto the island, which causes a massive uptick in sea monster activity. Something something an entire suitcase getting dramatically thrown into the ocean. NO MEAT ALLOWED goes unexplained into the visitor rules and the mainland press has a field day with it.

Casper returns for the solstice episode without his wife (the one who swept him off his feet and caused him to move away). He says it's because he wanted to spend time with Nid, but Nid becomes increasingly suspicious that something is off. They get sent on a wild goose chase wondering if Casper ever even got married only to discover that their stepmom was late because she was bringing a surprise for them.

Vinnek gets haunted by the ghost of Fira past, and while the moral of the episode is that they have to remember the good times they had with Fira and stop getting on the network to listlessly search for Fira, there's a lot of snarky humor on the way. Depending on when this takes place, there will also be the ghost of Casper past (not intentionally a reference lol the importance is that Casper was and is a good friend of Vinnek's who also left the island) and potentially the ghost of Dez past (another friend who left).

A paranormal investigator shows up and insists the lighthouse is haunted. Everyone says no, the lighthouse is not haunted. Eventually the investigator turns out to be right, though the spirits haunting the lighthouse are just chilling and that's why no one thought it was haunted.

Rae, Tirias, and Ysa team up to turn the pub into a club for Jes's birthday, with the heavy bass he so loves (he's deaf). Unfortunately they instead succeed at blowing out Ysa's custom skylight and invoking the ire of Ellery, one of the few people on the island who has ever been to a club. In the course of putting in a new skylight they hatch a better plan: a sort of silent disco-esque setup where they will not shatter the skylight a second time.

For some reason Haskell has to leave the island for a bit and asks Nid and El, who have been considering having kids for a while, if they would watch Lacey. I feel like everything that happens after that is just par for the course for having a 4 year old around but still it seems like even Nid will have changed their mind about kids. When Haskell gets back and is like "haha hope that didn't put you off of sprouting" the two of them are like "nah. we'll survive it with the power of friendship" with the whole solidarity clasp and everything. Then the shine fades and they say, "in five more years maybe".

Tirias becomes obsessed with a wedding shoot he found on the network and starts bothering Ysa and Jes about it. They misunderstand and think what he wants is to get married when in actuality he just wants to have an event for wearing a princess dress. By the time they get on the same page Ysa and Tirias are practically standing at the altar (I don't actually know how Elbas weddings work but you get the idea). But in the end Tirias gets what he wants and they don't actually get married...probably.

I think there should be a season devoted to Dez being there too, with episodes such as:

The rootspace episode, where Dez figures out how to decode the chemical messages of rootspace and becomes obsessed with sharing rootspace with people ("for the love of god Dez PLEASE use your words I'm tired").

The radio show episode, where Dez becomes the synth.

The toilet humor episode, where Dez discovers that one of Elbas's imports is literal shit, which goes into the dirt beds they root into at night. Have I mentioned Dez doesn't really get toilet humor? Uep and neriem, however, do on some level, even though that's not how their digestive systems work.

The laugh scale episode, where Dez notices that making serious Milo laugh is a particular point of pride among the Council. The Council in turn notices that Dez has never once laughed and try to figure out what would make him do so. 50/50 chance they either realize he can't/doesn't laugh OR some random apparently nonhumorous thing happens at the end of the episode and Dez snickers, which is enough of a laugh to celebrate.

The prank episode, where Dez takes the role of the answering machine that has a bunch of snippets of someone's voice to remix except he has extensive recordings of most islanders, which makes it extra fun. He starts pranking people with Nid but as people discover the prank they join in, and after a few days everyone on the island is in on the prank and there's no one left to bother. But then Casper shows up.

#ugh I love them #sitcom au #c: Milo #c: Dez #c: Tirias #c: Nidilaenn #c: Ellery #c: Vinnek #c: Herric #c: Marietta #c: Tem #c: Casper #c: Rigo #c: Madge #c: Rae #c: Amadjes #c: Ysa #c: Patience #c: the As #c: Emil #c: Urielte #c: Binna #c: Fira #c: Lacey #c: Haskell #elbas island #asks #wip: tfa

[rust-bearer]

Stopping after this (I think), but I have one or two small headcanons based on your zombie au:

1. First of all, I do sorta hc that First Aid is probably transmasc. In addition to that, I imagine he’s probably relieved to finally be free of his shitty family members. No shade to anyone’s political party, but coming from a small town myself, I imagine Aid’s zombified family probably held some super traditional political views and had strong opinions about “transgenderism” and marriage roles and all that shit. Long story short, they probably didn’t support him in any way, shape, or form, and likely bashed his “choices” every chance they got. Anyway, he’s relieved—not necessarily happy, since they were his family, and… well, he does still love them—to be free of such an oppressive presence of people in his life.

2. On that same note, I can imagine Aid probably takes advantage of the newly abandoned church buildings in the area. Lots of storage for food and shelter (it was probably used to house homeless individuals for short periods of time, anyway), and the pews make excellent rows for survivors to stretch out and sleep. The doors are heavy, too, and with lots of windows, you can easily see or even hear danger from a distance. Oh, and the pastor-turned-zombie was a horrible man behind closed doors, so Aid was MORE than happy to take over the church as his own (again, no shade to any of the religious folks out there. Small town mindsets, you know? It’s ironic how often the same story plays itself out.)

3. I said I have two small hcs but I have a sort of half hc to follow. First Aid probably had a big family, and Vortex DEFINITELY has a reasonably sized family as well. Vortex is extremely loyal to his family, and he finds it a little strange that First Aid seems so callous about his own deceased (well, not deceased, but—you get the point) family members. That’s to say, Vortex probably had a bit of a different upbringing than First Aid. His family is all he’s got; they’re all they’ve got, really. Maybe they’re a little privileged, given the farm all but dropped into their hands and the bountiful resources. Still, unlike First Aid, who had to struggle his way through his own self-discoveries (and medical school) all on his own, Vortex has the support of his small family/siblings, and vice versa. It’s an interesting dynamic, almost like a sort of yin and yang.

That was much longer than I’d intended it to be (it always is, though), so I apologize for the lengthy message. Still, I hope this helps bring you some inspiration, or at least gives you something to pick apart. Also, if you’re like “dear god please stop dragging out this zombie au idea,” just let me know and I’ll put an end to it. I have to say, though, you’ve got me hooked.

I appreciate hearing different headcanons, it’s interesting to see what other people interpret stuff as. Though I think from the sounds of it, you have some pretty unique ideas that could make their own story

Personally, I’ve always viewed First Aid’s family (gestalt I suppose) as supportive, though they don’t exactly get much screen time in IDW together; in G1, off the top of my head, they do chafe sometimes but ultimately are supportive of First Aid as well (then again, it’s G1, so we don’t have much to work with). It definitely could be interesting to write them as not supportive, but it’s not my thing personally, being trans myself.

As for Vortex and the farm, I actually have a funny idea for it that my fiancé and I cooked up. Again basing Vortex’s family off of his gestalt here, we figured Swindle bought it for tax evasion and money laundering, except now that money doesn’t exist, he is insisting they stay there so he can “get his money’s worth on it” (“but money isn’t real anymore” “SHUT UP ITS ALL I HAVE”). So they go from what amounts to larping as farmers to actually having to farm

#first aid #vortex #hungry tag #zombie au

[ceapa-mica]

The Choices We Make | Chapter 7: Conflicted

{cross-posted on ao3} {masterlist}

<- previous chapter

Pairing: Imperial!Crosshair x Tholothian!OC

Warnings: angst

Word count: 2419

Summary: Crosshair wants to keep Zaree out of trouble.

a/n: Crosshair and Zaree are back!

I finally finished this chapter and can't wait for you to read it! I have quite a few other projects going, but don't worry, I'll still continue this fic. The message of this story is too important not to finish it.

Crosshair checked himself out in front of the mirror before getting dressed for the day. As a soldier he hardly ever cared much about his physical appearance since he spent so much time wearing his helmet. Shore leave had always been an exception though. With his brothers he used to visit 79s, meeting a nice Twi'lek lady or two. Without his brothers he never considered going back there, and he had different plans anyway. Zaree needed him, and he didn't wanna be late. He splashed cold water in his face, put bacta cream on the scar at the side of his head, and shaved the light stubble of his beard. Ever since he became friends with Zaree it had actually turned into a daily routine for him. 

Wearing armor inside the facility was mandatory. So he put on the black plastoid and a toothpick between his teeth before he took his helmet and a simple DC-17 blaster, leaving his quarters, eager to see the young woman.

Zareena, already wearing her civvies, was working on her datapad when he entered the maintenance room. She looked up in surprise, her signature smile was back.

“Cross! Right on time! Thank you for doing this.” She switched off the datapad and left the room so he could change into the civvies that belonged to Lyle. Crosshair sighed, his feelings for her trying to break out of the corner of his mind.

Get a grip! You’re going with her so you can protect her down there. Focus on her safety!

The first time he'd worn them, the civvies had felt strange on his skin, but by now he wished his blacks were as comfortable as Lyle's clothing was. Compared to them, his blacks were somewhat itchy, something he had never noticed until he had worn this outfit for the first time.

Zaree had checked out of her shift and they went the secret way she had shown him last time.

"I wonder how many people will come to this get together. You're so quiet, are you okay?" Zaree asked.

"M'fine." Crosshair replied with an icy tone in his voice. He tried so hard to stay emotionally distant. It's what he thought was best.

"I bet the kids look forward to seeing you again, especially Baxel."

Crosshair rolled his eyes at the mere thought of the Mon Calamari boy who talked way too much for his liking.

The way to the Kjori family's apartment was more of a one sided conversation. He listened to every word Zaree said, but didn't add much. She told him how she and Lyle had become friends and how he had taught her the everyday tasks the job included.

"You know, talking about someone a lot keeps the person alive somehow. Not that I think he's dead, but…" At the last few words her voice broke, but her face remained neutral and so did her posture. That's when Crosshair figured out she was an expert when it came to hiding her true feelings, that there had to be more than the smile she put on every day. But wasn't he the same way? Putting on a brave expression in his line of work?

Crosshair still wasn't used to the stench of the lower levels. He kept an eye out for potential dangers and instinctively put an arm around Zaree. With the scowl he wore on his face, he probably scared away any criminal waiting for their next victim. Still, it was a relief when the door to the apartment building shut behind them. To their surprise the small apartment was crowded with people - friends and neighbors of the family. When their eyes landed on Crosshair, the entire room fell silent, except for Oura who was serving her guests seaweed salad - a Mon Cala delicacy.

"This is the soldier you told us about?" an elderly Nautolan woman asked.

"Crosshair!" Baxel pushed his way through the people to wrap his arms around his waist in a tight hug. "That's my friend!" he declared while Crosshair stood there completely rigid. Everything in him wanted to push the child away, but Zaree's amused chuckle kept him from doing so. "Enough, kid." was all he said, and the boy let go and looked up at him with admiration in his big eyes.

"Who says he won't tell his superiors what we're talking about? We could get arrested, just like my friend Col. He mentioned that he doesn't trust the new Empire while being out with a friend, next thing troopers came out of nowhere and arrested him. Chila hasn't seen him again ever since." the Nautolan woman said.

"What do we know so far?" Zaree asked. "Did y'all compare your financial records?"

"Yes, and the fee varies between households based on how many people live in one household, and the district you live in. The Empire doesn't even care about your salary." Oura explained.

"What if he arrests us for speaking our minds?" a middle aged human man asked, pointing at Crosshair.

"Not my orders." he replied, keeping a neutral expression.

"What are your orders then?"

"I'm on shore leave today, no orders. Say what you want, I'm just here to keep Zareena safe in that shady district you call home."

A discussion about the security fee broke loose. The human man, Mr. Darga, lived alone, and his security fee was still higher than the one the Kjori family had to pay because of the little convenience store he owned. Neela, the Nautolan woman, had to pay less than the Kjoris, because she only owned a little apartment with her husband. A young Twi'lek man named Griff was a single dad who couldn't afford enough to eat at the end of each month, and Risa, a middle aged Zabrak woman, had to move to a different part of town. Due to the fee she couldn't afford rent anymore, and now her way to work was even more unsafe than before.

"You know what else they do?" she raised her voice. "I've been working in the library for more than twenty years. A few days after the Republic fell some people in gray uniforms turned up at the library and took so many books and they gave me a very long list of books they say are now banned. And in the last few weeks I got deliveries with books I didn't order. When I read them, all of them were glorifying the Empire and its military."

"I didn't know it's that bad." Zaree said with a deep frown.

"Civil compliance makes our job easier." Crosshair muttered, leaning casually against the wall and shoving a toothpick between his lips.

"He's one of them! How can you trust this guy, Zareena?!" Mr. Darga yelled.

"He's my friend! I know I can trust him because… my heart tells me so!"

Why did Zaree's words feel like they stabbed Crosshair in the chest? Suddenly the air inside the small apartment became too thick for his liking, or was it the heavy feeling inside his chest making him feel this way?

"I'll wait outside." With these words Crosshair left the room, sitting down on the cold staircase right outside the apartment. He was angry, but he didn't fully understand why. It had something to do with what Zaree said, but it was not her he was mad at, nor anyone else in the apartment. What had he gotten himself into? It would be his duty to call for backup and arrest everyone in this apartment for treason against the Empire, yet all he did was sit on the staircase, musing about ways to ensure nobody found out about Zaree's obvious disdain for the very people she worked for. Nobody could ever find out. She cared, she was kind and compassionate, everything Crosshair thought he wasn't. He couldn't bear to see his only friend through a prison rayshield. 

After thirty minutes the door opened and Zaree came out, putting on her dark blue jacket.

"Sorry it took so long, really."

"Patience is a core trait any skilled sniper has." he responded with a shrug and a cocky smirk.

As they went on their way back through the district, Crosshair noticed that it was now Zaree who was unusually quiet. As they stepped into the elevator and she still hadn't said a word, he decided to ask her about it.

"I- It's just… Look, I tried to avoid this question, maybe because I was too afraid of the answer…" She looked him straight in the eye. "If you were given the order to arrest me, would you do it?"

Crosshair was surprised at her question, remembering what he had thought about while waiting for the get together to end. He averted his gaze, he couldn't just lie to her. "Orders are orders."

Zaree's brown eyes widened in fear and she took a step back. Not that there was much space in that small elevator, so her back touched the transparisteel wall. The way she stared at him with tears welling in her eyes made him feel uneasy.

"I'm just being honest." he added.

"You know you deserve more, Crosshair? You clones are treated like shit by the military, you basically have zero rights. You're my friend and you deserve more than being treated like this. So why follow their orders?"

His heart felt as if a ton of bricks weighed it down. He didn't wanna talk about it - the guilt he felt for what he had done to his brothers and Omega under the influence of the chip.

"You don't know what I deserve." he spoke with a sharp edge to his voice. "If it's any comfort to you, I would try and avoid a situation where I had to arrest you. Look, I- I was created to be a soldier, just like any clone. There's nothing else in this life for me but my service to the Empire." he tried to explain.

I deserve nothing more after what I've done.

"You just came with me to keep me safe on the lower levels, you help me with the search for my friend. You listen to my rambling and you're respectful compared to many other people at the headquarters… Actions mean more than words, you are deserving of kindness and a life away from all this."

Crosshair didn't understand what she saw in him, but he was sure that if she knew what he had done - what the chip had made him do - she wouldn't speak like this. She would loathe him.

"I wanna continue what Lyle started while trying to find him. I'm glad I don't have to do it alone."

Crosshair grabbed her arm and she stopped in her tracks. "You should forget about this. I know these people need help, but if anyone finds out what you're up to in your free time… It puts you in danger and if you get arrested I won't be able to help you. Just do your job, stay out of trouble and let's keep having these little lunch dates once a day."

Zaree sighed and removed her arm from his gentle grip. "Don't expect me to look the other way when people need help. You were there, you heard what they said. What happens to these people is unjust and somebody needs to do something!"

"Then let it be someone else! Please, Zaree!"

She was surprised when she saw something in his eyes, even if just for a mere second, what looked like vulnerability.

"I need to do this for Lyle. He would take the same risks for me." She looked so confident. Crosshair knew, after meeting Lyle's family and friends, that what Zaree did was not foolish, but very brave. Hell, she was as brave as a soldier, he thought, but at the end of the day she was just an overlooked maintenance worker. He wanted to help her and have her back, but at the same time keep her out of any trouble. How could he protect her if she became a rebel - an insurgent - someone Crosshair, like every other Imperial soldier, was ordered to eliminate on sight?

As they reached the Imperial army headquarters, Crosshair put his armor back on, and somehow it felt heavier on him than usual.

"See you tomorrow?" Zaree asked with the signature smile on her face.

"Lunch. Same time as always." he nodded, but then went completely rigid as she jumped, wrapping her arms around his neck in a warm embrace. He tried to ignore the way she made his heart flutter, he tried so hard.

I don't deserve her. Get a grip!

"Thank you for joining me today. That doesn't mean that I don't know how to use a blaster though." she clarified, letting go of him.

Crosshair chuckled. "Is that so, little one? You need to show me sometime."

He liked the thought of spending time with her at the shooting range and showing off his skills to her. The only problem was that she didn't have clearance to the floor the shooting range was located. They could both face serious consequences if they were caught. It was too risky.

That evening he went there alone after taking a quick detour to his quarters to pick up his beloved firepuncher rifle which was really kind of an extension of himself. 

Hitting targets, never missing a shot, came naturally to him. It calmed the storm that raged in his heart and mind. Zareena occupied both, he couldn't stop thinking about her, nor did he want to. She was the first person after his brothers and sister he actually cared for. He shouldn't, he really shouldn't, but he couldn't help it. It frustrated him that he couldn't allow himself to act on his feelings. He let his frustration out on the targets for hours.

She's the one who deserves more than working in a humid basement. She deserves to be with someone who's good and can show her the Galaxy, and that can't be me.

At the first light of dawn he returned to his quarters, eyelids heavy and with a headache. After taking a quick shower he let himself fall on the mattress of his bed with a groan. Sleep came fast and quietly. Brown eyes with a joyful gleam and little lines in their corners from laughing, that broad smile on her plump lips. Crosshair sighed in contentment, not used to dreams as beautiful as this one.

He was definitely in trouble.

<- previous chapter

a/n: Crosshair is head over heels for Zaree and refuses to acknowledge it. I think we can all agree with Zaree that Cross deserves the world, he really does!

#tbb crosshair #crosshair #crosshair x reader #crosshair x oc #the bad batch #crosshair fanfiction #tbb #the bad batch fanfiction

[abeautifulblog]

Counterpoint to the Alex Lived AU: what if Marilyn had still been alive when Gene moved in? I imagine things would be much more different - Joseph never would've happened, Mary never would've happened, and Robert presumably wouldn't have gone the 3-4 years without talking to Val. I agree he isn't the type who would cheat, so does their marriage continue on the same trajectory until one of them dies? Does that cat-shirt nerd next door still change his life in any way?

I have thought about this one too! But my conclusion was that Gene and Robert would not have wound up together in that AU, because I do not believe Robert would have left Marilyn for Gene, even if he did find himself with a crush on the cat-shirt nerd next door.

(I've talked before about my headcanon for how not-cheating was a choice that Robert made, even when he was presented with the opportunity to do so. That’s not going to change just because it’s Gene.)

So Gene moves into the cul-de-sac, and of course he's gonna have a crush on the rakish hottie next door, but it's a crush without intent and without expectation. Their interactions are kinda flirty, sure, but in the harmless way that neither of them really means it or expects anything to come of it.

Except, as they hang out more, and get to know each other on a more meaningful level, the attraction intensifies and their friendship starts to take on a quality that is... not inappropriate, but is on a trajectory to become so, and they both know it. (Like the Joseph dates -- when nothing inappropriate has happened, yet, but you’re well aware that if you continue to let this escalate, that is where it’s heading.)

So Robert calls it off. 

It’s after date #2, the one where they go sit on Robert’s truck in the middle of the night and Gene cuts himself whittling and Robert patches him up, and there’s a moment when Robert’s holding Gene’s hand and they very nearly kiss. 

At which point Robert acknowledges the elephant in the room -- and tells Gene directly that he doesn’t want to cheat on Marilyn. That said, Robert is bad at self-control and bad at doing things in moderation, and he knows that if he keeps hanging out with Gene like this, it’s literally only a matter of time until he gives in to temptation. So he says that they should stop seeing each other for a while, and let things cool off; Gene agrees, because he recognizes that it’s the responsible and necessary thing to do, even though it breaks his heart a bit.

Marilyn, through this, has not been unaware of Robert’s crush on Gene (not least because Robert is not a subtle man), and has been keeping an ambivalent eye on it -- because it’s not a great feeling to watch your S.O. crushing on someone else, but she does trust Robert to be honest with her. And indeed, they talk about it after he breaks things off with Gene -- that yes, the temptation was there, but he chose to remove that temptation because he’s committed to staying with her instead.

Except... it isn’t that easy to just turn off your feelings, and so even though Robert and Gene are not allowing themselves to have alone-time together, they’re still kinda pining. And yeah, it’s clear to all that Robert’s not actually going to cheat, Marilyn has no doubt about that, because he feels strongly about honoring the commitment he made, but... at what point would it be better for both of them to release him from that commitment?

So Marilyn suggests that they take a month off from each other, during which time they are both allowed to experiment with being single. She’ll go stay with some friends in New York, and Robert can do whatever he needs to do in order to get his head on straight -- basically, figure out whether fucking Gene will get it out of his system, or whether he really does want to be with Gene instead.

Because starting with someone new, someone you have a clean slate with, feels seductively easy compared to making it work with someone you have twenty years of baggage and history with. Gene, right now, makes Robert feel good because he gets to start afresh -- but the shine is going to wear off sooner or later, and when it does, Robert may well discover that the grass wasn’t greener on the other side after all. But right now, Robert is infatuated with the potential that Gene represents, and he’s not going to be able to get over it until he gets to know the reality of Gene.

So Marilyn goes to NYC for a month (hangs out with a lot of the friends she hasn’t seen in a while, maybe goes on some dates), and Robert moves in with Gene for a month.

But the thing is... it’s not that Robert ever loved Marilyn less than Gene, it’s just that Gene knows how to handle him better. Left to his own devices, without Gene’s experience guiding them, Robert would have fucked up the relationship with Gene the exact same way he fucked up with Marilyn. The critical component that Gene’s bringing to the table isn’t love -- because Robert and Marilyn never lacked for that -- it’s an enlightened understanding of Robert’s mental illness, and knowing how to cope with it better.

Which is why ultimately, I think Robert would take what he learned in that month with Gene, and apply it to finally doing things right with Marilyn. His month with Gene makes him realize that it’s not just inscrutable, unknowable ~vibes~ that determine whether interpersonal interactions succeed or blow up in your face -- but rather that there are concrete, actionable relationship skills.

And equipped with that knowledge, I think he’d choose Marilyn. The end.

(Incidentally, I think a month in NYC would be eye-opening to Marilyn, re: what a rut they’d fallen into in Maple Bay, how isolating and stagnating it’s been for both of them, socially and intellectually. They don’t do anything in Maple Bay except hang out with each other and drink, because there’s nothing to do, if you’re not a churchgoer or in the PTA. Being back in NYC felt like waking up again, like coming alive again, and her takeaway was “holy shit, we need to get out of that town, stat" o__o)

So yeah. The Marilyn-lived AU has a happy ending for Robert and Marilyn, in which they move back to NYC and get a marriage counselor and Robert gets help for his bipolar disorder -- just not so much for Gene or Mary. And I’m sure Gene would have met someone else eventually, but without Robert’s friendship, and through him Gene’s, I’m pretty sure Mary’s the one who would suffer the most in this particular twist of fate. =/

#dream daddy #gene #robert #marilyn #my headcanons #asks

[phosphorescent-naidheachd]

 @goblins-riddles-or-frocks replied to your post:Sunday Snippet

I love this!! I think my favorite take on these two is just throwing them together post r&r and seeing how they claw their way out of their respective traumas. and idk second choice romance is so poignant to me.

I love what a gut punch it is for her to say “I thought I was” there. where do you even go from that! especially after already getting married, and the nature of royalty being what it is I get not knowing how to resolve it tho, I’m stalling on pretty much the same issue myself alas

Ahhh, thank you!! I love the dynamic between these two, and doubly so during and post R&R. They have #CompatibleTraumas, and I think it’s a lot of fun to explore the ways the characters’ traumas and emotional needs interact—both for better and for worse. 

And yes to your statement about second choice/second chance romances!

IMO, even more than her feelings for Mal or the Darkling, the main obstacle to canon Nikolai/Alina is that canon!Alina is unsuited for life as a political figure. From a Doylist perspective, this unsuitability boils down to Bardugo’s desire to have Alina end her story by returning to Keramzin with Mal at her side—an ending that wouldn’t work anymore if Alina was allowed to fully grow into her leadership role. 

I think you’re the person I’ve discussed this with before, but while I understand what Bardugo was trying to narratively achieve, and I don’t wholly disagree with it, it still frustrates me to see Alina start to reach her potential, only to repeatedly have it cut off and watch her start from scratch over and over again. I’ll freely admit that this is a matter of personal preference as much as it is objective critique! 

I’m sure a thousand metas have been written about how Alina’s different love interests symbolize different parts of herself and different paths she could have taken, but it always hits me anew each time I think about her canonical relationships.

ANYWAY.

I feel like Nikolai could respond to Alina’s accusations by retreating behind his ‘perfect prince’ veneer, or he could be emotionally open with her, as he has been in the past. Likewise, I can see Alina either retreating from him or having a real conversation with him. Despite the rocky start to their acquaintance, the two of them have been pretty low-drama together when it comes to the personal stuff!

Yeah, the nature of royalty means divorce or even an official separation aren’t really options—especially not without the existence of an heir and a spare!—which would only make Alina feel more trapped. That said, I can see Alina going on a PR tour/diplomatic trip/secret mission by herself (albeit accompanied by guards/friends) as a solution of sorts, as that would temporarily give her space from Nikolai, the palace, and her ordinary duties. Likewise, I think it would help Alina if she did more work with the common people, as that’s something that feeds her soul in the same way working with the nobility drains her. 

The role of queen can’t be completely changed without creating problems for the Lantsov reign, especially since Nikolai came to the throne under the circumstances he did, but I think Alina and he could get away with tweaking it some. Alina’s sainthood would aid them in this, as it lets conservatives write her off as the exception rather than the rule, while also gradually accustoming everyone to a different type of queenship.

That said, I think my resolution might simply be adding Zoya into the mix (and potentially moving the entire scene into my WIP Nikolai/Zoya/Alina fic). 

Zoya tosses her dark, glossy curls back. “Self-pity isn’t a good look on you, Starkov.”

“Self-pity?”

“None of us forced you to stay; no one forced you to marry Nikolai. This was your choice. And now you want to quit because, what, it’s too hard?” She sniffs derisively. “If you’re going to run away, do it now before you’ve established yourself any further. I’m sure someone will step up to fill your place.”

Alina sputters, furious. “I—I’m not running away.”

Even if I wanted to, I have nowhere left to go.

“If you say so.” Her tone is infuriatingly, airily dismissive. “But then, that’s your modus operandi, isn’t it? Running away when things get too real?”

“I’m not a coward,” Alina spits back.

Zoya smiles, all teeth and disdain. “Then prove it.”

#phos replies #goblins-riddles-or-frocks #i'll tell you how the sun rose #things done by phos #nikolina #zoynikolina #nikozoyalina