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1mmeee2 · 1 year

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Greg House x Reader (First Oneshot)

Plot: As you were doing your usual daily task as a doctor, you had one particular patient’s parent that is mistreating you horribly but like all hospitals, you can’t really do much except figure it out. You soon tried to ignore the parent’s manner but Dr. House who always kept an eye on you... well didn’t seem to enjoy seeing it. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ “Please Mr. Kennedy I'm just doing my job.” I said calmly trying to keep myself from slapping the shit out of him. “No way am not letting you add whatever is in that vaccine.” He said angrily. “Sir, your child needs it. Or he’ll get sick, he’s already sick as is.” I said explaining it again for the 100th time. “No, you can’t give it to him without my consent.” Mr Kennedy said making me sigh.

“Go do what you do best, at home.” He said making me back up on what he said. “Sir--” “Leave my son alone you sheep!” He said making me sigh as I looked up at the boy’s heart monitor to see it stable before leaving the room to see Dr. Eric there. “Anything?” He asked. “No, just more misogynistic comments and a lot of anti-vax comments.” I said to Eric as he and I walked down the halls trying to figure out what to do with the boy. I soon found myself at the steps of Dr House’s office to find him there leaning on his desk. “House we got a issue.” Eric said to him making House sit up using his cane for support. “What?” He asked. “Father of a little boy won’t let me go near his son with a vaccine... The boy needs it, he is very sick.” I explained to house who sighed. “Ah, one of those Anti-vaxers who really need to get off the internet once in a while... But how is that my problem?” House asked making Eric and I sigh. “We just can’t help the boy, the dad won’t give consent on giving it to him and his son’s heath is getting worse.” I explained to him. “Here’s a tiny help that you two never thought of. Try talking to his dad like he’s a child. Let him hear what he wants to hear, lure him with a hypothetical ice cream, let him lick it for a bit then let him realized it’s not the flavor he wants. He took it, he licked it, he can’t sue.” House explained to the two of us making it a good point. “Let’s give it a shot, you’re turn. I don’t think he’ll be happy seeing a woman.” I said to Eric who nodded and left the room. “What?” House asked making me turn to look at him. “He hates vaccines same like women for some reason, hence why Cameron Isn’t helping him.” I explained to house. “So... he does that to you?” He asked confusing me why he cares so much. “Why do you care about what he or does to me? You’ve done that even with other patients.” I said trying to read House for once. “It nothing personal, I don’t like anybody.” House said making me smirk. “That wasn’t my question. I asked Why do you care so much about me? Specifically me?” I asked teasingly trying to get some sort of answer till I heard the door open revealing Eric. “Nope, Y/n it’s you’re turn.” Eric said making me sigh as I soon left House’s office to see the man. “Hello sir, so I was hoping you rethought--” “I ain’t rethinking anything, you’re not giving my son more viruses.” Mr. Kennedy said making me just fill my body with frustration.

“Sir, I understand why you don’t trust the vaccine, but we are only giving your son one, just to help his immune system feel better.” I explained hoping it could change something. “Absolutely not, you’re not giving him that vaccine you idiot!” He said raising his voice before I heard the room door open revealing House walking in. “I hope you are real doctor.” Mr. Kennedy said to House who pulled out a chair and sat down next to the kid looking at the him. “You see. You’re son is dying fading away, his body is shutting down... All because some overbearing parent can’t handle a small injection of what is, you’re son’s last home in continuing his very short life.” House said to the dad making him too stunned at the comments. “Look as you can see, my assistant is doing her job, and I don’t think you’re misogynistic comments are helping. Heck if you really don’t want females in the hospitals I might as well unplug everything your son is on as it was all set up by our lovely female staff. Now you either let Dr. Y/L/N give the vaccine to your son, or might as well just leave as we cannot help you and you’re slowly fading away son who is probably at death’s door from all the procrastinating you’ve been doing.” House said leaving the dad and myself a bit held back. “F-f-fine... do it.” He said to me making me nod and got the vaccine and gave it to the kid. “See it wasn’t that hard, you can’t always get what you want.” House said before getting up from his seat and started walking out of the room but stopped. “Oh, and speak to Dr. Y/L/N, I promise you, you won’t get the best service from me or her. You better not do what you did to her ever again or to any woman again.” House said lastly before grabbing my hand and lead my out of the room. “So?” Eric asked. “Dealt with the man-child. Again, dangle the ice cream, lick it, and let them realize they got the wrong flavor.” He said before walking down the hall to his office. “House.” I called as I walked over to him. “What?” He asked. “Thank you.” I said making him nod. “Just doing my job.” He said coldly before continue walking as I stood behind but grinned. “Still didn’t make sense why you added that last part about me.” I said and saw House stopped moving and froze in place. “So?” I added but still didn’t get a response. “I got t-things to do.” House said suddenly before walking back to his office quiet fast making me chuckle.

#house md #dr house #gregory house #xreader #oneshot #gregory house x reader #gregory house x you #gregory house imagine #greg house #greg house x reader #greg house x you #house x reader #house x y/n #house md imagine

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torque-witch · 10 months

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Some personal stuff, but had a long talk with my mom last night in regards to my older sister, who is now being placed in more of a full-service mental health home. She was doing okay for a little bit, but has reverted back to being violent, threatening violence, manipulation, condescension, visions of grandeur. I guess even a lot of what she told us when she seemed to be of sound mind were actually lies according to the social workers. And of course now they know that what she’s been telling them are lies too.

In any case, she safe now. But both my parents seem to be suddenly concerned and questioning why both her and me have such long term health issues. My mom moreso actually considering that their marriage contributed to our overall stress (true) and my dad moreso taking an anti-vax route (he’s maybe a little paranoid 😒).

But moreso she said “you know I look back over the last ten years and I don’t understand why I just didn’t listen to you. You would tell me you had a stomach ache or other problems and I was like well it’s a stomach ache it’ll go away. Most things are temporary. I didn’t listen until you were in the hospital and you had been silently suffering the whole time.”

And that’s true. Especially because I was in college and that’s when my sister was first starting to have worse behavioral issues, and my parents were so lost on how to handle it. This whole time she’s been an adult and legally we’ve been unable to really care for her properly without her consent.

But yeah. I’m 31 and my mom is finally listening and wanting a relationship that’s normal and trying to care and that’s great, but I did feel abandoned. I kept telling them I wasn’t great. Hell I was 99 lbs at one Christmas and couldn’t eat. I was mad that they said it’s just a stomach ache, so I stopped telling them important things like me relying on alcohol to stifle the daily abdominal pain.

So I’m jaded. Half of me really wishes they would just stop talking to me because I’m still parenting both of them through their own guilt. And the other half really wants a family and some support. It could be worse, but I’m so used to doing it on my own and telling no one because no one ever did listen, except the internet. Which is sad on its own.

#torquetalks #personal #health mention

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onlineproblems · 9 months

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ok not to be a mommy issues bitch but i was working on my story that i've been trying to write for like 3 years. and thinking about my mom. and wondering why i feel so much angrier at my mom than my dad, though they both wronged me. in different ways which arent really comparable but neither one more or less than the other.

my dad was distant and never praised me, always had criticism, higher standards for me to meet, and rarely told me he loved me, was the disciplinarian parent who wasn't involved in parenting unless it was to punish us. he's very different now that we're adults and i think he's realized that he won't have a relationship with his kids if he keeps acting that way, because he texts me often to tell me how much he appreciates and loves me. and although he knows i'm a godless atheist liberal, and he always tries to work god bullshit into the conversation, he basically still accepts me.

meanwhile my mom would always talk to me growing up -- about whatever, her frustrations with my dad, emotional stuff, our interests, religion, etc. we didn't get super deep because even when i was a christian i didn't share much with my family, but i was closer with my mom than my dad. i thought of her as more open-minded than my dad, but suddenly it was like a turn-around happened (or i just became more aware) and she was suddenly spouting low-key alt-right anti-vax, homophobic, end times bullshit and it kind of sucker-punched me to hear it from her. if i ever thought i could come out to her, i was quickly disillusioned. she said something like 'god would cause gay people to die sooner so that they wouldn't keep sinning' and i just had no response. she got her counseling license this year; she's a marriage and family therapist. fuck.

she's divorcing my dad which i think is a good thing; their marriage was not happy. he was basically incapable of expressing his emotions and he didn't mistreat her but he definitely didn't treat her right. he has decades of unprocessed trauma and he can't stop watching porn. i discovered it on the family computer when i was 10 years old. he tried to commit suicide five years ago. he locks up his computer and tells his whole church about it for 'accountability' and punishes himself but he can't stop. i don't know what the fuck went wrong with him. my mom won't tell me what happened to him but she's implied that he might have been molested or had something similar happen as a kid. i don't fucking know. how they've been married for 30 years i have no idea.

i have compassion for them both but i hate they way their bullshit has affected me and my brothers. my dad's inability to cope prevented him from taking care of us. my special needs brother went without the care he needed because my dad wouldn't leave his work in rural africa, because he was afraid of living in the us and feeling inadequate. he was an expert in his field there, but in america he was just another guy. i was depressed and suicidal and untreated and my mom probably was too but her ideology didn't allow her to disagree with her husband, so we stayed. and i hate her for that. for never challenging him, for just bending to his will when we all needed help. when my brother needed medical care that wasn't available where we lived.

i feel stunted, my emotional development so behind where i could be if i was allowed to interact with my peers during my formative years, because of my parents. our house had a yard with 8-foot walls around it and i never left there except to go to church. i had to cover my body for 'modesty.' i hated my body. i had an eating disorder. i was afraid of other people. i couldn't make friends. without going into detail, there were times i felt exposed to predatory men when i should have been protected by my parents.

and like....my dad should have taken responsibility, he should have woken the fuck up and cared for us instead of being in his own head all the time. i feel like i should be angrier at him and hate him more. why is my hatred more for my mom? is it because we were closer, so the betrayal feels deeper? is it because he's making a real effort now, actually putting work in to change the behaviors that harmed me, while my mom seems to have no awareness that she caused harm? i mean, she blames everything on my dad and doesn't really take any responsibility. i started cutting in college and she lamented to me last year that she ''really wanted to move back to be with me" but my dad didn't want to come and "she didn't know what cutting was". her excuse was she had never heard of cutting, and her husband said no.

she's had so many missed opportunities to care for and support me. i've been open with her about what i believe in, what i want to do, how i've changed, and her responses seem perfunctory, while my dad actually seems to take an interest in me even if he disagrees with most of my beliefs. i guess i feel like it's more important to me that he's actually trying now even if i don't think he'll ever really change. the effort is what matters to me. i don't think my mom is interested in trying -- it doesn't feel like she is. but i don't know. it just feel wrong to hate her so much more than him. it seems disproportionate.

i've spent time in therapy for most of these experiences so i'm not horribly affected by them anymore, and being an adult and having distance from my parents means it doesn't cause the agony it did when i was a teenager, but as they're divorcing this year it is bringing this sense of 'choosing sides' a bit closer. so a lot of memories are coming back up. in 2021 i spent like 4-5 months processing ptsd from my childhood and now i feel a little residual angst from it.

i'm a functional adult, and i'm pretty happy day-to-day. i know everyone has their own issues and traumas that inform their lives that we just don't see, nobody has it all together, and i try to keep that in mind and be merciful to myself when i feel like i should be...idk better at life. it's pointless to think about what-ifs and i don't, really, but i am pretty bitter and angry about how my parents could have spared me a lot of pain when i was young and had little control over the way my life went. i never want to have kids, for a lot of reasons, but i can't imagine giving birth to a child and not being intentional about the way you care for them, knowing that it's inevitable you'll fuck up, but wanting to be as informed as possible and giving them the best you possibly can because they're basically helpless. you can't be selfish when you're a parent. if you have a kid simply because that's what you're supposed to do, what the fuck are you doing? that's a person. i look at the children i know, or at my younger siblings, and i can't imagine not sacrificing my desires to care for them. abstractly, i don't like kids and i feel awkward around them, but jesus christ. your own child? especially if you chose to have that child? you're just going to sit back and let them suffer, because you don't want to be uncomfortable? don't have a kid if you can't handle it.

sometimes i wonder if i'll ever be normal enough to feel safe by myself, after my experiences with predators that my parents didn't protect me from. if i can leave my house alone and not feel a little bit of panic under the surface. i'm hopeful since i've made progress over the years, but it comes in waves -- grows and fades. i wonder if i'll stop automatically going on the defensive when certain subjects come up. if i'll stop having nightmares about being sent to hell and my mom telling me she was right all along. i wonder if i'll ever be able to feel normal about having a disagreement with someone i care about, without feeling like i'm sinning, like i need to be punished or i need to absolve myself because i'm so used to emotional abuse and neglect from my parents and church and 'god' that it informs my interactions with friends and especially my spouse. creeps in when i'm vulnerable and makes me act horrible when i want to be well-adjusted and healthy.

this be the verse, eh? they fuck you up. they really really do. and this really got away from me but god i just had such an outpouring of thoughts. it was cathartic. and i can't journal so it all goes to tumblr lmao.

#therapy time :)#this is really heavy and talks about suicide and eating disorders and what amounts to emotional abuse and neglect basically #so uh don't read unless you're just really interested in my fucked up life lol #it's also super long and i can't imagine that it would be interesting to anyone else lmfao #amceled

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rocksandmirrors · 1 year

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Currently thinking about the different families types in owl house

Widow mom with late husband who loves and supports her daughters AND temporarily adopts her daughters friends and takes care of them for months

Dad with unhealthy marriage who gets divorced and gets custody of kids

Reluctant Mom who called her son her roommate for 8 years and also has a chronic illness. Later adopted a daughter and helped her grow into the person she wants to be

Two dads who worry and want what’s best for their daughter

Single dad raising his son alone and supporting his talents and interests

Anti-vax mom who learned that medicine helps daughters chronic illness and dad who never blamed daughter for things caused by said illness

Half brothers with younger brother looking up to older brother and older brother supports him

Honestly Steve and Matt being HALF brothers means so much to me- you see full siblings all the time and even step siblings a lot in media but rarely ever half- so as someone who only has half siblings? It’s amazing and I wish we saw their dynamic more

-🔮

they're all so good i'm biting my arm rn (except Alador, i have a grudge against this mf HJASAFS). Eda has to be my favorite parental figure/mentor, she's so cool <3

and you have a point!! i don't have any half-siblings but the representation is important. we need all types of families in medias

#oracle anon

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tullyfm · 1 year

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TALLULAH CALLIOPE KIPLING.

guess i’ve never escaped me for too long — guess i’ve only ever been who i was.

[ fingernails stained with hair dye, long leather jackets, the way chaotic moms would get ready for work with a piece of toast hanging from their mouths while hopping into their clothes because they were late getting up, wearing jewelry made by a child, grief like a black hole in the back of your mind, open windows to let in the salt air, a home that always has music in it, a drawer full of kid’s colorfully pattered bandaids, a long bike ride in the middle of the night, a past so dense it’s impossible to unpack, florescent lights, a closet that could be an anthropological study, a costco membership card, a whistle in the dark ]

pinterest / playlist / birth chart (coming soon)

basics.

full name — tallulah calliope kipling

nickname(s) — tully—everyone calls her this except her ex, flynn, and her parents (and your muse, if you think it would be in character for them, but the default is tully).

age — thirty-two

date of birth — 1991

place of birth — bolinas, california

current location — monterey bay, california

religion — agnostic

gender & sexuality — mostly cis woman / bisexual

pronouns — she/her

education level — GED & RN with a MSN (master of science in nursing, 6 year degree)

occupation — newly hired school nurse at otter bay elementary (previously an ER nurse at the local hospital)

connection to otter bay — her job + the fact that her 7-year-old daughter, circe, attends school there as a second grader.

family.

mother — theresa “tempest” hopkins

father — oscar “orion” kipling

romantic — apollo monroe (ex, father of tully’s son) flynn caulfield (ex, father of tully’s daughter)

children — atlas alder kipling (born 2008, deceased 2008), circe artemis kipling-caulfield (born 2016)

physical.

height — 5′1

eyes — hazelly brown-green

hair — naturally dark brown, but she changes it often—she usually switches between blonde and black or a reddish dark brown

distinguishing marks — various tattoos

personality traits.

positive: compassionate, loyal, supportive, good with kids, affable, altruistic, loving, virtuous, creative, kind

negative: intense, unorganized, guilt-ridden, overly protective, dogmatic (when it comes to her daughter), perfervid, reticent

more.

mbti — ESFP

alignment — chaotic good

enneagram — 5w4 (the iconoclast)

temperament — sanguine-phlegmatic

hobbies — bike riding, music, songwriting, playing guitar, playing sodoku, getting angry at the crossword, making plastic jewelry with her daughter, collecting seashells with her daughter, writing poetry, painting murals on the walls of her home

past.

tw: drug use mentions, child death mentions, illness/anti-vax mentions

technically, what tully grew up in wasn’t a cult. it was an intentional community, a hippy commune, a place where kids were raised as a group effort, barefoot and unbathed, wild and free-range. tully didn’t attend school, or watch tv, or get vaccinated, or consume artificial food coloring. she wandered through nature, made art, attended anti-war protests, watched her parents speak to the trees while they were tripping.

for the duration of her childhood, tully had no problem with any of this, partly because she didn’t know anything else. she liked to be creative, she hated the idea of being restrained and forced to ‘live in the rat race’, and she was happy where she was. she dyed her hair, she made art, she started smoking weed at 11, she taught herself to read with the allen ginsberg poem book her parents kept lying around.

for all tully enjoyed her life as it was, there had always been a part of her that did want to know more about the world—she was a voracious reader, curious, full of wonder, and she wanted to know more about the world beyond the commune. she wanted to know more about how the world worked, why things were the way they were, what the science behind nature was, etc., and while her parents were happy to explain the ‘beauty of the earth’ with their spiritual ideas about goddesses and so forth, there was always a part of tully that wanted to know more, or to learn, or to be taught.

still, tully didn’t pursue any of that at first. when she was 17, however, she got pregnant with a boy she’d had a somewhat transient relationship with who lived on the commune with her. they weren’t serious, or anything, but she was delighted to be pregnant—she’d always wanted kids. since some kids on the commune were kind of raised by the community at large at least some of the time, her boyfriend didn’t take a very active role in her pregnancy or motherhood in the way you’d expect a father to, but that wasn’t super unusual, so tully didn’t really mind or give that fact much thought.

her parents were perfectly pleased to be having a grandkid—on the commune, teen pregnancy was not treated with any of the stigma that it is in the rest of american society. generally, nobody thought anything of the mother’s age if she was at least 15, and at 17, everyone was very cool with tully bringing a child into the world.

tully’s son, atlas, was born in 2008. he was her whole world. she adored. she was so happy to be a mother. she wanted nothing but the best for him. but when atlas was a few months old, tully contracted measles—her parents had never vaccinated her, so she was susceptible to it. before she even felt sick, she’d already passed it along to her son, and he started showing symptoms not long after she did. (to tully’s parents chagrin) atlas had to be hospitalized—he was just a baby, and it was a big strain on his body, not to mention the fact that he didn’t get the regular check-ups & medical provisions your average baby might get beforehand.

atlas ended up passing away. tully watched it happen as she stood in his hospital room on her own, sick herself and shaking. needless to say, this was a huge wakeup call for tully. it made her completely reexamine her parents lifestyle, it made her resent them for never getting her vaccinated and generally for raising her the way they had, and it made her feel immense guilt herself, too. tully was just a kid when all this happens, but she’ll never forget that she’s the one who gave atlas the measles—and there’s part of her that still feels like she’s the reason he’s dead. there’s part of her that still feels like she could have done more, should have done more to protect her baby.

her parents didn’t believe that tully being vaccinated would have helped things. they were sad about atlas, of course, but they figured that it was meant to be, and that to have vaccinated tully would have been more damaging. disease is natural, they told her, it happens, some things just happen, they can’t be prevented!

“this could have,” is what tully thought, and she went low-contact with her parents. she got her GED, she got into nursing school, she got vaccinated. she didn’t want to be like her parents. she wanted to learn how science worked, how medicine worked. she wanted to do everything she could to try and prevent what happened to atlas from happening to others, so she became a nurse. she got her masters, graduated with honors, and moved to monterey bay to work at the local hospital.

she never fully recovered from that awful, heart-rending guilt she still feels about atlas. she doesn’t talk about him, and she feels guilty about that, too. it’s something she’s so ashamed of, she can’t tell anyone about him—but that makes her feel ashamed, too, because her baby shouldn’t just be forgotten, not because she won’t spread his memory just because cares too damn much about how people will perceive her once they learned that she’s the reason her son’s dead.

it’s hard for her. god, it’s so fucking hard for her.

that’s not to say there’s no joy in her life, because there is. she loves her friends, her community, and most importantly, she loves her seven-year-old daughter, circe.

when tully was 25, she was working in the ER, and flynn caulfield, an actor (or, a former childhood actor who by this point was sort of a failed adult actor) who was passing through, had been in a bar fight, and he needed a few sutures. tully hadn’t been exposed to much tv growing up, so she didn’t immediately see flynn as flynn caulfield, former child actor; she just saw him as flynn. flynn liked this, and he liked tully, and tully liked flynn, and the two began a whirlwind romance that was full of passion. it was the first true romantic connection tully had made since leaving her family behind, and it was honestly one of the first true connections she’d made at all. the two felt like they were the only ones who really got each other.

flynn wound up flitting back and forth from LA (where he was working as a bad actor) and monterey bay, where tully always had a place in her bed for him. it was the kind of romance only two 25 year olds can have, and tully really loved him.

the details for the next stretch are a little hazy and i’m too lazy to go bug dani about it, but at some point (not all that long after the two had known each other—think a matter of months), tully got pregnant. despite all of her terror about all the ways she could fail her child, and all of her complicated feelings about becoming a mother again after atlas, she was thrilled to be having a child with flynn.

during her pregnancy, though, as her anxiety about their baby grew, she started becoming more and more aware of some of flynn’s flaws—he struggled with addiction which could make him unreliable, he tended to prioritize his work over being around for tully, he cared too much about what his mother thought, he didn’t understand why tully felt the way she did about her own family. tully truly did want to support flynn and help him get sober and get his shit together, but at that point, flynn wasn’t really ready to change, and the strain on their relationship grew. still, they had their daughter, circe, (named after a goddess of magic who turned men into pigs), and tully was instantly in love with her little girl.

their relationship ended when flynn smoked weed while he was watching circe on his own. because of her past, tully is prone to perceiving many behaviors that remind her of her parents as being very intense threats to her daughter’s safety, and thinking about something happening to circe is definitely tully’s biggest trigger that can cause her to get a bit hysterical. she’s protective, a fierce mama bear, and the idea of circe being raised how she was raised made her freak out, so she kicked flynn out.

tully doesn’t want circe to not have a relationship with him, though—she’s continued to encourage flynn to get sober and get it together and be in their daughter’s life, something he’s attempted in the past but been unable to maintain for more extended periods of time. for this reason, and because flynn in the past had spent a lot of time being wrapped up in his career, tully has mostly been doing the full-time parenting stuff on her own, though circe still did have contact with her dad, just not majority custody.

(just recently, flynn has come back into their lives after being incommunicado for a long stretch of time while he got sober, got himself a child bride named tatiana, and opened Center. so, you know—that’s going to be a whole other thing.)

pretty recently, tully decided to leave her job as an ER nurse to start working as a school nurse at otter bay elementary. she wants to be closer to her daughter, and she wants to have a more steady, predictable schedule that aligns with circe’s, instead of working long, odd hours. all in all, baby girl is doing her best. she loves kids, she’s kind, she wants to help people, she has a tendency to babble when she’s nervous. she has some lorelai gilmore energy, for sure. she’s a single mom doing it for herself.

#intro.#mb intro

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euargh · 1 year

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vent post and general blogging

oh gawd, yesterday was stressful. Had to wake up early to go with parents to Hot Topic to pick up my mom’s shirt she wanted me to help her order. Which thankfully she gave me the exact amount to put into my bank because I’m drowning in bills and can’t afford a thirty dollar shirt. (I wear the same things every time I go out.) Anyways, mom is about to start conflict over nothing thinking a woman is trying to steal my dad’s cheese sticks. Dad snaps at her “STOP ALWAYS FUCKING FIGHTING!” which sadly is true because she makes everyone the enemy and randomly starts fights with people, but god, his constant anger all day caused me to want to vomit out bile. He is also a raging angry person. I forgot to take my fluoxetine to be able to handle all this crap a little better. (Speaking of which, I kind of hate my brother-in-law for saying I shouldn’t take that because it has “fluoride“ except if you actually google, it doesn’t have it. PLEASE SHUT UP, JAMES. GOD. I wish I could say that to his face, but I’d rather be on good terms with him. His side of the family are... “those” kind that self-diagnose and are anti-vax. and I hate when he picks on me for my personal problems thinking picking on me will magically make me not do that anymore, which no. All you do is make me uncomfortable.) Anyways, we went to Walmart, that was... a kind of decent okay trip. Except I learned my dad’s knee gave out and suddenly collapsed and he got irritated at me trying to help with offering to buy water. H-E-B next. The last stop. I had to go by myself into the store. Parents dropped me off and parked somewhere. I used the food budget to get last minute Thanksgiving food items. I’m really big on traditions that revolve around food (like Good Friday is fish day and I have fun looking forward to cooking/baking the usual foods we do every year for that day, every birthday I like making sure we have cake and ice cream, New Year’s Eve we get special champagne to drink around midnight, etc.) My year isn’t complete or okay unless there’s a big feast in November and I just love using that as an excuse to cook tons of food. Cooking is a good distraction and helps me forget I exist. PISSED I DIDN’T GET THE FRUIT COCKTAIL FOR THE FRUIT SALAD. but we have the tropical fruit cocktail. OH man, rambling. Oops. I obsess with food and cooking. Fast forward, I’m at H-E-B and it is ABSOLUTELY PACKED with people. I ended up trapped in aisles and kept internally sobbing lmaoooo Then my dad called me angrily on the phone when I was in line and shouted, “HURRY UP!! WE HAVE TO GO!! STOP FUCKING AROUND!!” unfortunately I snapped at him (something I rarely ever do because I always swallow my rage whenever family members or in-laws are mean to me because nobody cares if they hurt me) I responded with “I CAN’T JUST MAGICALLY CUT TO THE FRONT OF THE LINE HERE TO PAY FOR MY ITEMS AND LEAVE.” Like?? I wasn’t even messing around, I was just trying my best to get around the crowds of people to get last minute items for Thanksgiving. Thankfully my mom told him off and to lay off me. That was nice of her. When we arrived home, she immediately began throwing items around. I had to defuse the situation and say “Look mom, I got you the butter you like.” My dad went to the doctor. Then I spent two hours cooking dinner for them. Today, my stupid organs woke me up and I had to run to the bathroom where my insides hurt like hell. Heard my mom loudly throwing things around. I was just... why. Then remembered she had her neurologist appointment today. She gets surgery on her back and neck next year in January/February and now I’m nervous as hell. One, for her surgery because despite everything I care a lot for her. Two, because of all the freaking work I’ll have to do cleaning my sis’s former room when I just want to clean MY OWN room. I’m hoping she’ll agree to let me clean it later on since her surgery isn’t until January/February. but she makes groaning noises and gets pissed and starts throwing things. I hate how much of a control freak she is (my dad is also a huge control freak. They both retaliate in shitty ways if I don’t do what they want). Like with demanding I not donate books to this guy downtown that’s trying to bring a bookstore into this ghetto city. (There isn’t any bookstores all and all he’s trying to do is encourage reading. I support his cause.) She’s all “He’s just going to sell them” I’m like “That’s the point. Better than placed into a dumpster.” She said “Good Will accepts books.” I said “They toss out a ton of stuff. Clothes, books, toys. It gets thrown out.” and like they also freaking sell them? Jeez. Anyways, god, fuck you mom and dad for the shit you cause me that I have to put up with every day, I care about you both and will always look out for you guys, but god damn. Jeez. AND fuck everyone else in my family and my in-laws and just everyone else in my life that’s been awful to me. urgh. Anyways, vent post to scream out my angst into the void and to help warm up my typing... crap, and to work on a fanfiction today because I won’t have time tomorrow or the day after and so on. Please excuse how angry I sound. I am usually quiet when I’m pushed over by everybody, but today I’m making myself type.

#vent #blogging #angst #excuse how angry i sound #i just get so fed up of all the crap flung at me so often #it is tiring #i just want to create content #thank god everyone is freaking sleeping right now #i can work on the fanfiction while i actually have some time to myself for once

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kulliare · 3 years

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i am going to behave like a little rabid rat soon

#my niece who’s 11 wants to get the vaccine #except her parents are anti vax #when my parents told me i wanted to help her secretly get it #but they were like dont bc what if she gets ‘sick’ from the vaccine #like even those 2 days and then they blame i #*you sorry not i #but like agh :( when she’s 12 she can get it on her own but thats a ways off #i just worry for her bc when she goes back to school again...

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bluezey · 2 years

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I was thinking of the "controversies" surrounding Turning Red, specifically the drug reference. And for context, it's a line when the helicopter parent Ming accuses a store cashier of "doing drugs all day" that's it

I think this specific controversy is because of the stigma of drugs. Not only because Ming was mentioning the bad illegal drugs, but those who are upset may be the anti-vax and anti-med types. If you listen to entitled people and insane parents stories as much as I do, they won't even take pain relievers and cough syrup for the "safety" of themselves and their children.

This is why I'd like to see taking medicine daily being represented. Even I had this stigma, as for a time I thought I was taking my meds for others to "deal with me" rather than help my add and anxiety, and I refused to take it until I realized that I can, am and should be taking it for me.

I'm glad to see the kid with the insulin thing on her arm in Turning Red (sorry I forgot what it's called 😅) but I'd like for Pixar to show a character taking meds daily in the near future. A character just taking daily meds in the morning, or maybe a character takes pills every few hours for, say their epilepsy. That would work two fold for me personally as my family takes meds and my mom is epileptic.

I'd like to hear your two cents on this, if you'd like to see Pixar represent taking meds, how they could do it, and your thoughts on the Turning Red "drugs controversy" in general.

Me personally, I didn't think anything about the line myself, probably because I am an adult, but I could see how it could shock kids and parents as drugs isn't mentioned in kid centric family films, at least not these days and not directly. I'm sure there are exceptions, and I'm sure some parents got mad about them too 😅

#pixar turning red

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anaryllis · 2 years

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I’m sorry if this is overstepping and feel free to ignore if it is, but I know you teach middle schoolers. My cousin, who I have always been close to, is a middle schooler, and her parents have transitioned from regular right-wing weirdos to full blown anti-vaxxers during this pandemic. My cousin wants to be part of my life, but she’s not vaxed against COVID and never will be under their roof. How do I talk to her about that without hurting her, making her think I blame her, OR getting cut off?

For what it’s worth I think she goes with their views because she doesn’t know better. She’s not vehemently against vaccines from what I know, but she has no interest in getting hers and doesn’t seem to have faced any social, academic, or personal consequences to not getting vaccinated that might change her mind… except not being allowed to see family anymore, which she grew used to during the pandemic. Idk if she knows how permanent that will be (w/ high risk family - elderly, disabled, etc).

OH THATS TOUGH... its not overstepping!! idk if i have the best advice bc my exp is different, but i can tell u some convos ive had w my students that i think were helpful, & then some general thoughts

for context in my state all students wear masks to school, and starting next schoolyear vaccines r gnna be required. i had a student who was telling me she was worried abt this & her mom said she might have to change schools if she needs one. basically what i said was to try to de-escalate my student's worries, like: "it's true a covid vaccine will be required, just like the other vaccines you had to have to come to school. remember those shots you got?" and she was like "oh, yeah!" and very visibly relaxed about it. idk how that convo would go w her parents tho, but my main goal is to just be the voice of reason on things.

so, in your situation (following your own boundaries), heres what i might do: when she expresses wanting to be part of your life, i would just be honest about what that would mean and why. for instance:

"if you're not vaccinated, i don't feel comfortable spending time together in-person." it can be helpful to include an example you think she'd resonate with - not sharing drinks with people with a stomach bug, etc. i'd save the details (saving lives, etc) until she asks, but if she trusts you i feel like the convo will go there!

overall, if you're willing to maintain a relationship in some way (only masked & outdoors, only on the phone, etc), i think that will be the most meaningful. you cant convince her overnight, probably, but when she doubts her parents' nonsense, she'll remember her rational cousin she can reach out to, you know??

& re: your worries abt her feeling judged: i think the consistency of boundaries is important. its not that you dont still care about her, you are just only willing to spend time with her in x way. by always showing up in the ways that ARE in your boundaries, i think youd be a good, gentle example of the real repercussions of being unvaccinated with those who are less thoughtful, you know.

idk if thats any brand new info, but i wish u the best of luck!! its hard :( its just about patience unfortunately

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your-turn-to-role · 4 years

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hi okay i hate sending asks to people without knowing them but you seem kind so im trying: during the break, i’ve been working my way through VM, and i’m at episode 75. my question, because i’ve read some of your more recent meta, is “what’s Percy’s deal?” i know he’s loved by the fandom, but i can’t find myself relating to him, and i find his assertions that he’s the only one with a plan offputting. is there more context you can give to me about percy’s character that explains his motivations?

aww, thank you!

(and yeah, asks like this are totally fine, i totally get that anxiety, good job on sending this!)

i mean, first off, you don't have to like a character everyone else does? if you don't relate to percy you can just, not relate to percy, that's fine

(and to be fair, as much as i love him as a character, i would not want him as a friend, because he's a very flawed person that has a lot to work on, but in fiction those traits are interesting to watch rather than difficult to deal with)

but, percy's deal! the short answer is people generally like him because taliesin's funny and charismatic and he does morally grey right, which is rare and a fun thing to explore (also in his relationships with other people, the entire vex-vax-percy-keyleth square is full of neat parallels and opposites and interesting things and i have whole essays in my head on all six combos there)

i don’t know which posts you’ve read so i’ll link this one here too, just to cover a couple more of the generally unnoticed aspects of his character, and things i like about percy

he’s also far from perfect, as you’ve noted, he does tend to believe he’s the smartest person in any given room, because he’s young and clever and used to being that, which you’re allowed to find off putting, but i will say i find he does that less than a lot of characters of his general archetype? he listens to pike, he listens to keyleth, he listens to vex, he respects when they have more knowledge than him on a particular subject, he’s not above asking for help. and generally most of the arguments he has with keyleth on that subject aren’t him asserting he knows more than her, but more a matter of principles and values (they’re a really interesting pair that way, they have similar backgrounds, both children of royalty running away from the crown, but they’re such opposites. percy is a natural leader who would rather anyone rule than him, keyleth fumbles her way through all of it but sticks to it because she doesn’t want to let anyone down, percy is a pragmatist, keyleth is an idealist, they both are too focused on the big picture but in two completely different ways, i could write a whole other post on this, but to get to my point, they wouldn’t be such good balances for each other if percy didn’t absolutely respect where keyleth is coming from)

for the long answer, i’m gonna break this down into parts and try to get to the core of percy's character and why he is the way he is

(under the cut bc this gets long)

1 - heavy trauma

like... this is the really really big one. percy, at age 17 or 18, had his entire life up to that point completely destroyed. his family was killed, his friends were killed, people he trusted like family (professor anders, who was a more present figure in percy's life than his actual parents) betrayed him and helped the briarwoods, he was imprisoned in his own castle's dungeons and tortured for information, they threw his siblings' bodies in there with him to make a point, cassandra helped him escape but as far as he knew she died helping him. he has two years of his life after that he straight up doesn't remember, his hair turned white from the stress of it.

trying to go after ripley the first time didn't work, he was captured and left to starve in a prison cell, for the first few months of travelling with vox machina he genuinely believed it wasn't real, because realistically no one was gonna come save him, this was just a hallucination of his dying mind. returning to whitestone he was forced to confront the fact that literally everyone he ever knew growing up (with the sole exception of archibald) was either dead or working with the briarwoods, and even after retaking the city there's a lot that can never be repaired.

and he's just... never really dealt with any of this? like, he gave vox machina the technical details of what happened to him in the briarwood arc, because they needed to know that information, but the first time he actually started processing his trauma, the first time he admits it out loud to anyone, is the final episode of campaign one. before then it had been occasional snide or handwavey comments, and like, he'll let himself feel the anger over it (in the beginning of the story he encouraged it, because then he didn't have to feel anything else), but he's never processed the grief, never admitted to himself how badly that affected him

which means he's got a lot of pent up emotions in there that he just keeps burying, and sometimes they come out in unhealthy ways. having so much taken from him also makes him really motivated to keep the things he does have - he’s got some deep set abandonment issues and takes any kind of betrayal really badly, don’t know if you’ve got up to the scanlan stuff by the time i post this, but that’s something to keep in mind as to why he acts the way he does there. (and it’s not more explicit because percy was raised nobility, keeping a brave face through anything is part of who he is, he tends to cover emotions he’s insecure about in snark or indifference or, for the intense ones, anger, because those are the things he thinks he’s allowed to show, but the real emotions show up occasionally, when they’re particularly strong, or if you’re reading between the lines. he really does care a lot about vox machina)

2 - legacy and loyalty.

speaking of nobility, it's hard to do a character study on percy without mentioning whitestone and the house of de rolo. this is the number one thing to percy. he was raised to respect title and name, and most importantly, raised to respect the people he represents - both the townsfolk of whitestone and also percy's ancestors and future de rolo generations. whitestone is more important than any one life, he has a duty to protect and serve it, and that comes before any personal wants he may have. it's also important to him for family reasons - he was a pretty lonely child, but he loved reading about the history of the city, all the weird ghost stories whitestone had even before the briarwoods. it probably made him feel more connected to all of that, this is the place he belongs. and after his family dies, it becomes even more important, because this is his connection to them. the soul of a city lives as long as its people, by protecting what's left, he keeps a little bit of what came before

(and also in just tidbits to understand percy's character, he sees all cities and man-made things the same way - in a world where some races live for centuries or millennia, their history exists mostly by word of mouth, you can physically talk to people who were around 500 years ago and get their take on things - humans don't have that, they get 100 years at most, so the things they build are vital to their heritage. this is how you keep people alive long after they're gone, by honouring what they created. and especially for someone so concerned with legacy and history, percy literally says abandoning westruun would be blasphemy, because the place people grew up is important, yes it's better that they live, but letting the city be abandoned and destroyed would be an irreparable act of violence.)

this is the number one thing on percy's mind when evaluating anything about himself, where do i come from, and what do i leave behind? which is a question that has a lot of moments to be tested, because of my next point...

3 - pragmatism and terrible thoughts

when it comes down to it, percy is a very ends justify the means kind of person. he finds it very easy to square away any kind of collateral damage as long as it gets him to his end goal. see: trial of the take, where he's fine to catch his friends in the blast radius of a new bomb design because he's so excited that it worked, preparing to fight vorugal and resigning himself to potentially having to kill innocent people to kill the dragon (he wasn’t okay with that, but he would do it), also his conscious decision to let ripley go, knowing she would lead to the deaths of thousands because it was her or the briarwoods and he wanted revenge

(this is by his own admission his lowest point and worst mistake, because as mentioned, he thinks about the consequences of his actions near constantly, he knew she would reproduce his guns and they would lead to a whole new form of warfare. but in that moment he was just blinded by grief and way too emotionally burnt out and did not have the capacity to care. and he spends the rest of the campaign and honestly probably the rest of his life trying to make up for that one)

he's also, by his own admission, someone who has a lot of bad thoughts he doesn't act on, he's very clever and creative and ideas for ways to use those skills for violence or vengeance come easily to him (like, percy as an actual villain would be ripley but worse, ripley's intelligent but a very direct point a to point b kind of thinker, percy has multiple times criticised her lack of imagination, a percy with her lack of morals would be terrifying)

(honestly this is why i was seeing percy so much in taliesin's narrative telephone, because "sometimes i wake up having dreamed of a terrible thing, and normally i just file that away for things that i would never do, because i wanna maintain friendships, but then LIAM did something to me." and the whole being absolutely fine with throwing the rest of the cast under the bus just to enact revenge on liam was quintessential percy)

but we’ve seen the pragmatic anti hero everywhere, anyone can be a terrible person, and have reasons for it, that alone doesn’t make an interesting character (at least not for me)

what does, is my last point

4 - trying to be good

i still vividly remember when i first watched campaign one, being really surprised at how much percy asked for help? like, i went in expecting the usual full on demon possession storyline, i expected percy to hide how bad it was, i expected him to make poor decisions without realising he was doing it until he was in too deep to back out

and like, he had some of that. but at the first sign of things being out of his control, he asked his friends for help. he let pike greater restoration him. he told vax to kill him if things ever got too out of hand. he was really, genuinely scared about what he got himself into and what he might do because of it. there was never a point where he pretended, even to himself, that making a deal with orthax was okay. the minute he realised there was a demon involved, he was working to stop it. and yeah, by the time he realised it was already a bit too late, there were already some things out of his control (and also taliesin kept having the worst rolls against the whitestone corruption which was really fun on a meta level), which is how things got as bad as they did. but honestly, all things considered, there’s very little to criticise about the way percy handled himself in the briarwood arc.

and he keeps doing that, trying to get better. he struggles with it, he struggles a lot, against his anger issues, against all the trauma, against the fact that he really doesn’t want to be here and things would be so much easier if he were dead. but he recognises he holds grudges too easily, so he starts actively trying to forgive those who’ve wronged him (this is something he and vex have in common, and something they were working on together before they were together, which probably helped a lot in getting them to that point as well). he recognises he makes poor decisions when he’s angry, so he starts learning to step back in those moments and leave the decisions to someone else. he has never not owned up to his mistakes, he takes responsibility for everything he’s done, and if he notices a problem he can’t solve himself, he asks for help.

and i find that fun to explore. like, percy’s been likened to hamlet in the actual show, and i was the kid who got super obsessed with hamlet when i was like 15 because i was in that same mental space of suicidal self hatred and existential melancholy but also thinking i was the smartest person in any given room and being too young to have gotten over the arrogance that makes you ignore everyone else’s needs for the sake of indulging your own problems. and then i got older and realised there are smarter ways to go about things, like having empathy and appreciating the light in the world and not being a dickhead to people because it makes you feel better, and maybe hamlet can be justified and in the wrong at the same time. and while there’s some stuff i won’t spoil for you, percy after ripley kills him is definitely starting to learn that, which you rarely see in the hamlet archetype, bc everyone’s like “ah yes so Deep so Important who cares what bad things this person did they had Trauma and are Clever”

well, percy cares about the bad things he did, and cares about not doing those anymore. so like, he’s still a disaster of a person bc he’s like 23 and no one has their life together at 23, especially not someone in percy’s situation, and honestly i find that fun to watch as well bc i like watching characters make stupid mistakes and do stuff i’d never approve of in real life, and as i mentioned at the start, taliesin makes captivating and funny characters. but yeah, that’s generally where percy’s at, most of the time

#would you believe me if i said this was the second shorter attempt at answering this ask?#i honestly tried to pare it down but this hit at least 6 or 7 separate essays in my head that all wanted to be included #and then i had to figure out how to combine them #my brain keeps giving me more things i should add but i think this is enough to be going on with for now 😂#but hey anyone who likes listening to me talk about percy know i can keep going #this is my word MINIMUM #(and it's still over 2k im so sorry)#but yeah hope this helped!#cr1 #percy de rolo #cr thoughts #text #meta #ask #megabees3

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tinawarriorprincess · 3 years

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Thoughts on whether certain Glee characters would get the vaccine (if they were in high school or working there in 2021):

Rachel: obviously got the vaccine. Wouldn't want to risk COVID damaging her voice.

Mercedes: same, but probably faced some resistance from her church community. Eventually convinced most of them (including her whole immediate family) to get the vaccine

Kurt: got the vaccine to protect Burt and Carole, but also because he definitely saw a designer vaccine card case on eBay and had to have it.

Brittany: thinks she got the vaccine, but isn't quite sure (got it at a farm, might have been horse medicine)

Santana: definitely got the vaccine but waited until the incentives started, won a lottery and Rachel is REALLY salty about it

Artie: got the vaccine before anyone else because he volunteered for the trials, falls asleep in school a lot because he's up all night online reporting anti-vaxers who got his image off a Google search and claim the vaccine made him paralyzed.

Tina: got the vaccine as soon as she became eligible and organized a drive to bring a mobile vaccination site to McKinley so students could get their shots on Fridays and have two days to recover, Schue assumed this would make her too busy to have a solo and screwed her over accordingly

Mike: got the vaccine and had no side-effects because all the popping and locking served as the "swinging your arm around" you're supposed to do after the shot

Sam: got the vaccine but was one of the later ones to do it, his parents mean well but definitely give me the "I fell into conspiracy theory shit because I saw a hashtag that concerned me" vibes, eventually was convinced by Will and Kurt to do it

Finn: put it off for a while because he thought his immune system would be able to handle COVID if he got it, then remembered the whole mono situation. Got his a few weeks after Kurt.

Quinn: got the vaccine but didn't tell anyone except Mr. Schue and didn't try to convince any of her family to get it (I feel like her mom would have gotten the vaccine eventually, her dad was def a superspreader though)

Puck: did not get the vaccine, figures he'll fight COVID the "badass" way if he gets it

Kitty: same, also probably an asymptomatic spreader

Marley: got the vaccine earlier than most because she went with her mom (who qualified early under a pre-existing condition) and CVS had extra doses at the end of the day

Jake: got the vaccine to impress Marley

Ryder: told Marley he got the vaccine, didn't

Blaine: parents have stock in ivermectin, they can't make money off the “treatments” if people aren't getting COVID so they're publicly anti-vax. Blaine eventually does get the vaccine, but he sneaks off to New York to do it because nobody gives a shit about his parents there. He does get a mild case of breakthrough COVID (from which he fully recovers) and he is very dramatic about it.

Unique: got her vaccine because she saw Kurt and Mercedes do it. Writes a beautiful song about personal responsibility and helping out one's fellow human after seeing many more people than she expected to see at her vaccine site, the Glee club practices it for weeks to perform it at regionals and then regionals get canceled because of the delta variant. When they get rescheduled, Mr. Schue completely forgets about the song and the Glee club ends up singing "Loser Like Me" for the 200th time

Joe: didn't get the vaccine until Quinn told him Jesus would have gotten the vaccine, still not entirely convinced Jesus ISN'T the vaccine

Sugar: accidentally got roped into volunteering at a vax site doing patient intake and gave impromptu concerts to vaccine recipients while they waited the requisite 15 minutes for a reaction, was given the vaccine early so that she would just leave and spare them (volunteers were initially going to receive the vaccine at the end of their four-week stint).

Coach Beiste: definitely got the vaccine, helped Tina and Mercedes with the effort to get students vaccinated, gave a big speech on the importance of the shot with figures of speech literally nobody understood

Will: got the vaccine, definitely rapped about it a little too much, refers to himself as Lin-Manuel Moderna for being the first faculty member at McKinley (after Emma, of course) to have gotten the shot

Emma: Got the vaccine but insisted the people giving it to her wear hazmat suits

Sue: COVID Patient Zero at McKinley

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carriecutforth · 3 years

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The Shit

Tumblr is telling me to go ahead, put anything...so here it goes

I haven't been public about this for reasons that will be apparent but gonna start this with all the trigger warnings. I'm writing it here cause I can't talk to the majority of people about it cause most people can't even grasp, and then questions start, putting me in the situation of feeling like my GIANT SWEATER of trauma is being unraveled answering questions that lead to more questions and gah PLEASE DO NOT RETUMBL-- I just need to scream in the void This is the shit: On the day my sister-in-law's mother died she had to call form-1 my baby brother because his psychosis (undiagnosed mental illness which I will get to) was terrorizing their family (three small kids). My mother WHO IS SCHIZOPHRENIC had him released into her and my ANTI-VAXXER ANTI-MASKER narcissist father's care, but NOT before they found out, incidentally due to the FORM 1, he is ALSO really sick with leukemia. I only found out because I decided to dip into the special folder for emails called MOM that I try to avoid reading as long as they can FOR REASONS. But I felt for some reason an urge to, and then I had to try to parse out what had happened from her ramblings that are A LOT. Then I had to confirm with my poor sil who is at her wits end and was in no position to tell me herself. My dad stopped talking to me back in November when I called him for his anti-vax rhetoric as being EUGENICS when he told me it is just the flu and only killing old people and the disabled. I reminded him I've been immuno-compromised my whole life (he KNOWS this) and got chronic fatigue after a flu in late 2016 (he knows this), and did he not care if I DIED? (apparently not) But I was like lol, fine, don't talk to me anymore. Die mad about it for all I care. A lot of people are like: 'oh, that's tough, losing a relationship with your father' and I'm like YOLO (it really isn't if you knew him). SO THEN I have to reach out to my dad: "Why isn't my brother in the hospital being treated by medical professionals for YOU KNOW, HIS LEUKEMIA." My dad responded that the doctors were JUST GOING TO PUMP HIM FULL OF DRUGS! And that HE is treating my brother's leukemia with I dunno baking soda (he told me before it is a cure for cancer). THEN HE GOES RADIO SILENT. I have no idea where my brother is cause they got him an apartment somewhere in Toronto. *though I do have a Machiavellian plan to try to find out. The reason my brother has untreated psychosis is that even though I've begged my parents since he was a TEEN to get him diagnosed, they refused. It's like they have the opposite of Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy in that their ABLEISM is soooo bad they refuse to see he has been very sick, and even if he was really sick, 'doctors are stupid' <--quoting my dad. This is the backstory. My dad was always on the road for his job. My mom had my baby brother AGAINST all wishes of her doctor to ever get pregnant again. I'm not talking aborting, she got PREGNANT on purpose again to SERVE GOD'S GREATER PURPOSE even though it might kill her and said future fetus. So he was born with a lot of issues because of the very bad pregnancy's complications on TOP of the very hereditary bipolar/schizophrenia, AND everything else we got going on besides. After he was born, my mom went into a very deep depression for years and then would vacillate between that and mania. Which meant me: THE ELEVEN year old was forced to raise a baby that wasn't hers and had no ultimate authority over. I was called by everyone his *BROTHER'S NAME* SECOND MOM. *More on this later Our relationship is very strained because of this, particularly when at 17 I had enough momming a child while being constantly undermined by my parents absolute shenanigans. So there was resentment when I quit being his 'second mom' and that he equally resented for things like, trying to put him into bed, when my mom would come in and say let him stay up all night or getting him to eat something other than candy for breakfast (you can guess the dynamic with my parents here). Even if my disabled ass could sue my parents for his

care, he doesn't WANT me to be in charge of his care.

And yet still, I tried to advocate for him for years fighting my parents TOOTH and NAIL to get him on disability and out from underneath their thumb so he could have a measure of independence and autonomy. They had every excuse in the book not to get him diagnosed including expense. It was so goddamned awful fighting with them on this cause in their mind: he was going to live with either them or me forever (they decided this for me and my ex-husband and kids with no consultation), so WHY bother set up his future for him??? So when he was 20?, I hatched a Machiavellian PLAN: I got him, against my parent's wishes, into college for the sole reason of getting the resources for him to get diagnosed so that he could get on disability. AND IT WORKED! (kinda) Except my parents twisted him so much into only talking about his autism spectrum symptoms and NONE of the psychosis because their ableism is sooooo entrenched. (but I did manage to get him on ODSP). And subsequent times I forced my dad to take him to a psychiatrist, he's like: 'oh, I forgot to talk about the psychosis we just talked about the aspergers. Besides people with psychosis are untreatable, you can't convince them otherwise' (see again, my mom). Over the years, I have begged my dad to take my brother to get properly diagnosed and treated (I'm not meaning forced, my brother is also agoraphobic, and won't leave his place UNLESS he is driven by my dad and was living in a city far away from me). I said, I was very concerned for his kids but my dad always gaslights me (and tells everyone I'm crazy -- the IRONY). So now my mom is writing me emails about how this is all my sil's fault because 'she is on drugs' (she is not), 'she is sleeping around' (she is not), 'her kids are scared of her not my brother' (it's the exact opposite). WHICH IS A HUGE TRIGGER FOR ME because She did the exact same thing to ME with my other brother (a diagnosed PSYCHOPATH) who used to beat me and the rest of us mercilessly when my parents weren't around (and they never believed me, and told everyone not to believe me because I was crazy), who pulled a KNIFE on me and threw a drawer at me when I was NINE MONTHS PREGNANT, and how absolutely awful I was AS HIS SISTER to kick him out of my house with no place to live or go (cause he was living with me and my ex-husband at the time because THEY KICKED HIM OUT OF THEIR PLACE and didn't want him back.) Are you beginning to get a sense of the dynamic of my family? Soooooooo the last few weeks my brain has just been in total trauma mode going processing, processing, processing, processing as the final total realization of how absolutely awful my family is finally laid bare (I mean I knew but at least I can stop feeling guilty about cutting them out of my life). So back to the 'second mom' shit, as relevant to my trauma brain processing the last few weeks. This whole shit above is just the tip of the iceberg. I was raised as a Joho in which a lot of my trauma comes from a pedophile left loose on three generations of girls in my family over a thirty year period, and if anyone came forward they were threatened with disfellowshipment and there is SO MUCH there it would take me several Tolkien novels to get how absolutely awful, extensive it was, and how the coverup went straight to the top. ANYHOO. So who was calling me my brother's 'second mom???' Well since, I wasn't allowed to have any association with non-witnesses, it was my congregation. No one questioned that I was being parentified and it was a deeply abusive situation. NO WHAT HAPPENED instead was, this sister in the congregation told everyone (when I was fifteen and 80 pounds soaking wet at the height of 5'10 1/2) that my brother WAS REALLY MY CHILD cause it was so obvious the way that I was the one who took care of him. And the elders of our congregation MARKED me as bad association for loose morals for having a supposed child out of wedlock when I was ELEVEN YEARS OLD. AND NO ONE in my congregation would talk to me, and I had NO IDEA why, cause they never told me that I HAD BEEN

MARKED. But the caveat was I was not allowed to talk to people outside of the faith. And we only found out about this a year an a half later when she said the same shit back in my hometown where he was born to a sister who was at the hospital where my brother was born. AND NO ONE thought, hey: maybe if we think she had a baby when she was eleven we should um CALL CHILD SERVICES or some shit? So i was like 16 1/2, not allowed to have any friends OUTSIDE OF MY PARENTS, find out THIS SHIT, and then people wonder why I had my first manic episode at 17??? Yeah, so this is where my brain has been stuck the last month, complicated that I knew I would be at risk for hypomania with things opening back up, and I'm supposed to be shooting a pilot for a potential series I'm the creator/co-shorunner of, so now I've had to go BACK on seroquel and it's the worst while i try to acclimatize myself to the drugs and stave off hypomania at the same time. WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

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sickboynotes · 3 years

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There’s a spider that’s been sitting in the corner of the bathroom for months and months and months. I thought it was dead maybe but i saw it flex it’s leg yesterday

There was a blizzard and I went and put on my boots and flightsuit and jacket and gloves and went and sat in the snow. Wind roaring, the kind of wind and snow where you try to take a breath and all the air gets sucked out of your lungs

Everything is in that phase where it’s all yellow and dead and white and black. All the dead grasses and the asphalt and the snow

Saw a dead caterpillar on the trail. Fuzzy, black and brown. It was first thaw so really we were just wading through mud, plum had the time of her life though.

Saw a herd of deer at fort snelling at dusk, later we saw, too late- my exceptionally unobservant (and not wearing glasses at the time) but there was a big buck in the center of the trail that I didn’t register until we were maybe ten feet away from it and plum let out a tiny bark, it moved fast but it was that sort of situation where things happen very slowly, I just felt like I was looking into it’s face for a very long time before it left.

Baby bald eagle

We come back along the trail, the parent is gliding on the wind circling the water

There was a noise coming above us, I thought it was a bird but Erick thought it was a frog

Had a nightmare about the deer that we thought had chronic wasting disease but really it had been attacked by something, it was genuinely an awful sight, that wandered into our friends yard while we were sitting there

The spider in the bathroom really moved today! It bolted across the wall and tried to catch lunch in some gnat that lacked the sense to not fly by. The spider missed, anyhow.

First hailstorm of the year! I really don’t look forward to leaving, I love the sort of biblical weather that’s common here. Being a little kid and getting yelled at to come inside because tornados are dangerous and so is hail.

Saw murmurations of Starlings up near Fargo! I’ve only seen them a handful of times but this time I saw like six different groups and managed to get decent video, I showed it to my grandpa and he was unimpressed which I thought was a little funny, he’s the crybaby and the bird expert of the family.

Went and picked up some paper and saw an individual turkey standing on the traffic barrier post in the middle of downtown St. Paul, very funny just watching it sit there.

Plum (my dog) ate a piece of already chewed gum today!!! Which I really would have preferred she didn’t as it’s poisonous to her, but we called pet poison control and she’ll be fine thank god, but I can’t help but be like would you just go into the forest and start eating neon blue things? Like that’s Always gonna be poisonous to you. So why do

that?????

Went on a very long walk, the jury is most likely going to finish deliberating tomorrow. I realized I could not think at all and could clear my head so I walked out the door and speedwalked in a giant circle for two hours in the rain which is exactly what I needed I think. I found an instant photo on the ground of two people with backpacking gear on kissing.

Swarms of birds just soaring on the wind over the valley (that functions as the border between MN and WI. I felt my heart leap in jealousy over and over again each time I saw a bird complete a circle.

We went camping and saw a few herds of bison. There was a flock of geese fighting and screeching at least until 1AM, and they were still going at it when I woke up at 6. While sort of laughing at myself because I already knew the answer I texted my grandfather asking if geese were nocturnal

Was staring at the ceiling trying to think and there was a little wispy spider. I pointed him out and Erick said he’d been in that corner for months

Lots of little chunky spiders on the trail in the prairie, I haven’t ever spent significant time in western Minnesota so every time I’m there it’s really striking how western Minnesota feels like... well. The West. All hilly and yellow and endless.

Was coming down a somewhat busy road and there were a flock of turkeys crossing (or refusing, rather) to cross the road. Not really that uncommon but I haven’t seen a whole flock outside of Northeast.

The Cooperman’s said no to going out to the badlands (“you want us to go to MEDORA?!”) which. It’s a loss because that means we can’t use Sam’s rav4 but it’s fine I have other friends that want to go hang out on a cliff side or whatever the technical geological term is!!

We fell asleep and woke up to two river otters swimming back and forth ten feet in front of our tent which was... mostly just really surreal.

Also woke up at like five to a blue jay singing it’s song. And woodpeckers

Saw my grandparents for the first time in... four or five months now that we’re all fully vaxxed and I don’t remember what brought it up but we were talking about how many bison there used to be, and I brought up how passenger pigeons used to turn the sky dark and my grandfather said “Martha died in 1914 in Cincinnati”, apparently referring to the last living passenger pigeon. And then he made a joke about how he can’t remember anything important but he can remember that. I thought it was really sweet since he used to keep pigeons until my grandma developed pigeon fanciers lung.

It’s the time of year when you can see ducklings all in a line in the pond/drainage ditches off the freeway

Milo says I can take the train up to Vermont and sit in the mountains with him if I ever want to get away from the city. But ultimately, I don’t have business in Vermont, I have business in New York.

I looked up and suddenly everything was green, the trees aren’t just budding anymore. The trial really ate March and April out of everyone’s conscious here I think

Went over to my grandparents and they have every bird ever in their yard, and two albino squirrels and bees that Do Not Like my grandfather.

This is mostly like wishful thinking in regard to “nature” or really it might be a sort of anti nature but I want to go to White Sands so badly. I’ve wanted to go to the Trinity test site for a handful of years but this year is the first time it’s feasible- except they only open it to the public two days a year and none I don’t think this year because of covid. So I want to go camp in the missile range, since that’s as close as we can get to the trinity site. It’s a compulsion- a circle that I desperately want closed, but we have to go as soon as possible once school is done if I don’t want to die of dehydration in the desert.

The river is thawed and judging by the calendar it’s been thawed for a good long while. We went to a park by the river and I realized I’ve only ever lived in cities with a major river cutting through downtown. I don’t want to leave the Mississippi. Anyway, the giant sheriffs boat sitting there ruined any sort of quiet introspective moment I could have had.

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