#everything is fine but I've been so busy recently that I'm just *tired* when i think about getting around to them

[slayfics]

Katsuki gets caught being sweet to you.

You started to finally catch your breath being at the top of the hiking trail Katsuki had dragged you out too.

"Alright there, it's just us up here so tell me already. What the hell has been going on?"

"That's why you brought me out here?" You asked.

"Just tell me already, stop being so damn stubborn." He pried you impatiently.

"I told you I'm fine Bakugo, just busy like everyone else." You replied.

"Don't give me that shit. Do you think I'm stupid? The other extras are too dense to notice but I can see how exhausted you've been this whole week. So just tell me- what's going on," He said.

"You didn't need to drag me out here on a hike in freezing weather to do this, you know," You said, slightly irritated at Katsuki continuing to push you.

"Ugh- will you stop stalling and talk already," He yelled, causing you to let out an annoyed sigh. Katsuki put his hands in his pockets and looked out at the view, his demeanor softening slightly. "You can talk to me, you know," he added, his voice lower and kinder than before.

You stayed looking at the view for a few more moments trying to figure out how to unpack everything that had been stressing you out. It wasn't like some big thing, but a summation of a bunch of little things that were beginning to become too challenging to manage.

A cold breeze blew by causing you to shiver. You wondered why Katsuki had insisted on bringing you up this mountain to talk to you. He could have pestered you in your dorm where it was warm.

Katsuki stole glances at you occasionally then focused back on the view not wanting to intimidate you too much from his glare. Hiking always helped him to clear his mind and gather his thoughts when they seemed too loud. He thought maybe it would help you too, and being away from all your classmates might make it easier for you to talk to him. At the very least it made it easier for Katsuki to be more vulnerable with you. He found it too daunting to express himself fully with all the attention of his classmates around. It was much easier being only in your company.

You took a deep breath, "I guess- it's just been hard to balance everything recently," You finally spoke, breaking the silence. Katsuki made it easy to open up to, as he had no problem sitting in silence for long extended periods. Others in your life felt the need to fill that silence with useless chatter which always prevented you from sitting in your emotions and being able to formulate them into words.

You took in another breath feeling a lump in your throat form. You hadn't wanted to talk to anyone about what was going on for fear of opening up the flood of emotions and not being able to stop. Now here it was. You didn't want to cry on this fucking hill.

Katsuki patiently waited while you gathered your thoughts.

"It's just been so much and I've been barely keeping up. It's- been getting to me recently. I've been forgetting things I shouldn't. Being unusually upset at things that aren't that big of a deal- and I just- it's dumb." You cut yourself off afraid to say anymore.

"It's not dumb. Don't hold that shit in, it's not healthy," He said encouraging you to keep talking.

You sighed, "I just... know that it could be way worse, and I've been through way worse so- I feel so irritated at myself. What I'm going through now isn't something I can't handle. I know that. So why do I feel so fucking exhausted with everything," You replied wiping a stray tear from your cheek.

"Hmm," Katsuki grunted, processing what you said. "You know, it's ok to be tired, and- to not be perfect. You can't just deny yourself from feeling overwhelmed because it could be worse. If you're exhausted now then those feelings are real- and it's ok to have them," He spoke.

You looked down at the view watching the distant cars pass, "Thanks," You managed to say taking another deep breath.

"You shouldn't wait to handle them until they explode either. Trust me, I know what that's like," He said, causing you to let out a small giggle. "You're too damn hard on yourself you know that?"

You let out a full laugh, "Oh that's pretty good coming from you. You're the pro at having too high expectations for yourself," you laughed.

You and Katsuki were wrapped up in your conversation causing you not to notice approaching classmates in the distance. Mina and Eijiro had also decided to come up the hill after class and spotted both of you in the distance.

"That looks like we shouldn't interrupt," Eijiro said.

"Yeah," Mina agreed. "But maybe... we could get a little closer to make sure everything is ok?" She said, pulling Eijiro into the bushes to spy on you and Katsuki. Eijiro was highly against the plan but was unable to protest for fear of you two hearing.

"Yeah I know I have high expectations for myself... that's why I know what it fucking looks like when you're being too hard on yourself. So- tonight I'm coming to your dorm and, I'm making sure you get to bed at a reasonable fucking time."

Mina's eyes widened as she looked at Eijiro, "Coming to their dorm?!" She whispered, and Eijrio covered her mouth, silencing her.

"You mean Grandpa time at 9 p.m.?"

"Shut up! 9 p.m. is late as hell! You damn idiots just don't know how to have a good sleep schedule! Look I'm making sure you get some sleep and tomorrow I'm taking you out. So- figure out where you want to eat, I don't care where. And I'm not letting you say no you need a break," Katsuki replied.

"You don't have to do that Bakugo."

"Of course, I don't have to but, I want to. So just shut up and let me take care of you ok. You better not be afraid to order enough food this time either! I'm buying so- just get whatever you want, alright?"

"Ok ok," You laughed, feeling your mood brighten.

"Next time, just tell me when you're having a bad day or something. Stop making me drag it out of you. I- worry about you, you know? Now let's go back to the dorms. I see you shivering," He said, beginning to walk back down the hill.

Mina squirmed again under Eijiro's hand, keeping her silent. Her eyes said it all. She was in disbelief at Katsuki's words.

"Here," Katsuki said, holding his hand out and offering it to you. "I'll warm your hand with my quirk," he said.

You grabbed his hand interlacing your fingers with his.

"Don't dare say anything about how sweaty my hands are!" He barked.

You giggled, "How many times do I have to tell you I don't care Bakugo. It's part of your quirk, and your quirk is amazing you shouldn't be self-conscious about it. Besides, I'm always happy to hold your hand," You said as you two walked down the mountain.

"Tch whatever," Katsuki grumbled looking away from you as a small tint grew on his cheeks.

Finally, when you and Katsuki were far enough down the hill, Eijiro released Mina.

"WHAT WAS THAT?!?" Mina exclaimed.

"Shh shhh," Eijiro pleaded.

"WHAT- He wants to take care of them?!? OH MY GOD! They are totally dating right?! That's what he said he's taking them out to eat! And he's sneaking into their dorm! Wait wait- when they held hands it sounded like that had before! AND AND BAKUGO WAS TOTALLY BLUSHING! NO WAY!" Mina said looking like she might pass out from all this information.

"Ashido relax, we shouldn't have heard any of that!" Eijiro replied.

"Yeah but but-" Mina exclaimed, her head spinning. "Who knew Baklugo could actually be so sweet! I can't wait to tell Jiro-" She said, pulling out her phone.

"NO!" Eijiro said, grabbing her phone from her. "Uh- sorry, I didn't mean to be so harsh but- you can't tell anyone what we heard ok?" Eijiro said.

"WHAT?! I just heard Bakugo being the sweetest boyfriend ever and you expect me not to say anything about that?!"

"YES!" Eijiro yelled. "Look they both like their privacy and there is a reason they were all the way up here talking, Ashido. I think we should keep this a secret and let them do things at their own pace ok?" He said, handing Mina back her phone.

"UGH-" She exclaimed letting out a big sigh. "I guess you're right... but wow who would have thought Bakugo could be a decent person much less a good boyfriend." She said.

Eijiro just shrugged at her words, "I don't know he's not a bad guy like you all make him out to be you know."

"Wait! You totally already knew didn't you!" Mina said, slapping Eijiro's shoulder.

"Hey! I mean- Bakugo is my best friend you know, so yeah I did..." He answered truthfully.

"You suck! Keeping secrets like that from me!" Mina said playfully, waving a finger at him.

"I'm sorry, but it's their business you know?" He said.

"Yeah I understand, guess we should go back to the dorms too now," Mina suggested.

"Yeah it is pretty cold up here, let's go." He agreed as they both started to walk down the hill. "I don't have Bakugo's quirk or anything but- if you're cold you can hold my hand too if you want," Eijiro suggested.

Mina's face tinted a darker pink as she reached out and grabbed Eijiro's hand.

Tags: @unofficialmuilover @maddietries

Picture taken from @everypanelofkatsuki, thank you for all your hard work! Go check them out if you haven’t!

#katsuki fanfic #katsuki x reader #katsuki fluff #katsuki bakugo x reader #katsuki x y/n #katsuki x you #bakugo x reader #katsuki bakugo #mha bakugo x reader #bakugo x self insert #bakugo x you #bakugo x y/n #bakugo x gender neutral reader #bakugou x reader #mha bakugou #bakugou x you #bakugo katuski #mha x y/n #mha x you #mha x reader #mha x gender neutral reader #bnha x y/n #bnha x self insert #bnha x gender neutral reader #bnha x you #bnha x reader

[kentopedia]

contents. nanami takes care of you after a long day, fluff, very soft, 600ish words

notes. trying to clean out my drafts tbh

the first thing you did when you got home was collapse onto kento's lap.

he'd hardly had time to greet you before you were dropping your bag, crawling over the other cushion to rest your head on his thigh. wordlessly, you curled into a ball, melting into his skin, the dark shadows under your eyes evident.

you'd gotten home later than usual, your projects, work, and errands keeping you busy over the past couple of days. though he saw you every morning, every evening, your time together had been limited recently.

balance had always been difficult for the two of you. kento knew how much you hated overworking yourself, though a part of you couldn't stop it, couldn't dispel the feeling that you were doing something wrong if you stole too many moments for yourself.

the two of you were similar to him in that manner. you did it because you felt like you were supposed to, not because you truly wanted to.

exhaling gently, he placed a warm hand on your head, gently rubbing your temple with his thumb. "everything okay, sweetheart?" he asked quietly, massaging out the tension in your neck, the tightness that you always clasped so tightly in your jaw.

you didn't open your eyes, but you hummed, relaxing into him. "'m fine, kento," you said, your voice so soft in this stillness of the evening. "just tired."

the sky was a deep black outside, the takeout he'd grabbed after work already packed up nicely in the fridge. it was far too late for anyone to be out in the world, and yet, your makeup still smeared on your cheeks, pants wrinkled around your calves.

kento hated seeing you so beaten down, worn out from your long days. a heavy sigh left his lips. "headache?"

"mmhm,” you hummed, tapping a finger against his knee. “how do you always know?”

kento would’ve laughed, had he not felt so concerned for your well being, missing the livelier version of yourself that he cared for so dearly. if anyone knew how you felt, it was him. "you've been working too hard this week."

you smiled, blinking your eyes up at him wearily. his lips were curled down farther than usual, the frown permeating his serious expression. "i'll be okay." you said squeezing his hand. "let me lay down for a few minutes, and then i'll be fine."

kento sighed, placing his warm hand on your forehead as you glanced up at him, hardly able to keep your eyes open. "honey," he said quietly, running his fingers through your hair in a soothing manner. "just go to sleep."

"mm," you hummed, a yawn leaving you a moment later. there was still a long list of things for you to do, and though it was late, you didn't want to leave them for tomorrow. "i've got to do my laundry. and then i have to—"

kento cut you off, letting a heavy hand rest on your head. "it's okay. i'll take care of it."

you blinked up at him tiredly, starting to sit up. "no, no, it's okay, ken. i'm' fine. you're tired too."

"sweetheart," kento kissed you when you were fully seated, not quite on his lap, but leaning over him slightly. "you can barely keep you eyes open." he smiled once more, pushing your back down onto his lap. "i'll take care of it."

though you wanted to protest, you didn't think that you could get your body to move, to even cooperate with you to do the rest of your chores. your exhaustion had seeped into fatigue, and you fell back onto his thighs, slumping over him.

“sorry, kento.” you frowned, a wave of emotion and disappointment in yourself washing over you. but as he threaded his fingers through your hair, you could already feel yourself falling asleep, your eyelids heavy.

he shook his head, a small, breathy laugh leaving him. "don't be sorry. that's what i'm here for. you don't have to take care of it all on your own."

#kento nanami x reader #jjk x reader #nanami fluff #nanami kento x reader #nanami kento x you #nanami kento x y/n #kento nanami x you #nanami x reader #jjk x fem!reader #jujutsu kaisen fluff #jujutsu kaisen x you #jujutsu kaisen x reader #xoxo rylie 💌 ୧⋆ ˚｡⋆ #beloved kento 💋 ୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

[doll-book]

𝐚 𝐫𝐞𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐞𝐫: 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐨𝐧'𝐭 𝐧𝐞𝐞𝐝 𝐚𝐧 𝐬/𝐨 𝐢𝐧 𝐞𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐲 𝐝𝐫. · ° . ♡ ⊹

☆彡 -`, why building your dr around a partner could possibly be a blockage ꒱ 𔓘

ʚɞ゜・゜this is something i only internalized recently. on social media, i began noticing that when anti-shifters decide to run their mouths, they usually attack us or call us delusional for scripting popular celeb/character partners first. that means that the shifting content locals are exposed to first is about significant others and dating in other realities.

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💭 i started thinking .. why? why is 90% of shifting content i see about couple scenarios, s/o faceclaims, etc? why is recent shifting culture so based around dating and finding love in other realities? lately, i realize i've also been affected by the content i see so much. i have only one dr where i don't have an s/o, and it's my self care dr. i felt & still feel like i had to be dating someone in every reality i wanted to shift to, and if i didn't, i'd be missing out on something.

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💭 i’ve now realized that this way of thinking could possibly be a blockage. when you build your entire dr around a person, you neglect the other important parts of shifting to a real place. when you shift in, you won't be spending 24 hours a day with your s/o. even if you did, you'd quickly get tired. (i know, getting tired of THE namjoon or THE beomgyu sounds crazy, but they're people just like us. don't put your s/o on a pedestal once you shift in, that's unhealthy for both of you (ˊ‸ ˋ )...)

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i had to take a step back, and ask myself realistic questions like: ➴ "is this a dr where i have the time and energy to emotionally support my s/o?" ➴ "will our relationship be healthy in the long run, taking our lifestyles into account?"

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— ꒰ ♡ ꒱ ˎˊ˗ there was some discourse over this on tiktok (as always🙄). people were saying, "if you think your relationship is/will be unhealthy, just script it never becomes that way and you both love each other wholeheartedly forever."

💭 i don't want to make this complicated by getting into my beliefs about scripting, but simply put: your s/o is a real person, with real emotions and feelings. i can't stress this enough. you can script that they love you forever, but if both of you are in an environment that is busy or constantly changing, that will affect the dynamic of your relationship no matter what you script. it doesn't mean that they'll stop loving you, but like any normal relationship, the circumstances have to work out.

💭 furthermore, if you script that they love you forever no matter what, that could become a burden for you. what happens if you lose feelings, want to pursue other dreams, grow emotionally exhausted, etc? scripting relationships is a super sensitive thing imo, but shifters kinda gloss over it. it could unintentionally lead to traumatic experiences in your dr, so pls be careful pookie!

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➴ what circumstances make for an unhealthy relationship? i'll use one of my drs as an example: my rich & famous dr.

💭 i'm a world famous model and actress in this dr, with a number of amicable breakups from before i shift in. naturally, i scripted that i start dating one of my biases, and everything seemed perfectly fine until i started truly getting into the headspace of this dr. i began visualizing my day to day life, and not once did my relationship cross my mind.

💭 i scripted a packed schedule full of fun things i've always wanted to do. photoshoots and movies and exclusive parties and secret friendgroups - literally everything that makes a glamorous lifestyle. i scripted that the only day i have off completely is sunday, for relaxation, self care, and sleeping in.

and then, i started thinking about my partner. ➴ "when will i see her next?" ➴ "what will we do when we're together?" ➴ "are we both excited to see each other?"

when i answered these questions honestly, i realized most of them were negative.

➴ "i might not see her for a one or two because of our overlapping schedules." ➴ "we might go on a date, if she's tired we can just hang out at home." ➴ "realistically, no.. we'd probably both be tired, even if we meet up on an off-day because of our exhausting work weeks."

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💭 when i shared my thoughts to some shifting friends, they just said "script that your workload isn't as much." but.. i don't want to? i enjoy the realism of being tired after a long day. it's like proof i truly worked, and everything isn't just a dream. i could script that my schedule is more spread out to make time for my s/o, but then we come to my point:

💭 i dont want to change the entire structure of my dr just to have a partner. if my s/o doesn't fit into the dr i planned, i don't want to squeeze them into it. to me, building your dr around having an s/o feels wrong and unnatural. i notice shifters tend to forget: you're really truly actually going to this place. you have your own life to live, things to do, etc etc. don't let having a partner overshadow the experience of shifting.

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💭 when it comes to actually fixing the issue, it may feel weird to delete an entire person out of your dr or become strangers w/ them - so just change your relationship status. in my fame dr, i re-scripted my former s/o to a person i'll meet and become very close friends with. if it turns into something more over time, after i shift in, that's great!! yay for me! i just don't want to feel held back by someone i should be cherishing, and instead let it happen naturally. if you feel more comfortable scripting out your relationship, then you do you!

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NOTE: i'm not trying to say stop scripting significant others. by all means, script an s/o! a partner! a boyfriend! a girlfriend! a husband! a wife! a spouse! a sneaky link! anything! it's your reality, i'm not trying to take away from that fact. i'm just pointing out how shifters often gloss over the realness of being in a relationship. this was simply a reminder for those who may be feeling the same way i did, and to help those people to make the neccessary changes. if you feel that the relationship you've scripted is happy and healthy, go for it cutie! even if its not happy or healthy, but you.. want that..? it's none of my business fr 🤷‍♀️. you were warned, and you have the resources you need to do your research. i trust you!

and one more thing i should mention, i'm saying all this without even starting on how the aroace shifting community must feel abt it. if you're aroace & wanna share any comments, suggestions, or experiences, pls msg or ask !! this is something that affects most shifters regardless of orientation but aroace ones especially😭 hope yall are hanging in there..

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that's all! ily!

#shifting #reality shifting #shiftblr #shifting community #scripting #shifting script #i love u #i hope ur having a great day #kpop #kpop shifting #desired reality #desired self #manifesation #444

[liliesinrequiem]

Asking Something of You

A/N: I wrote this like last week and in light of anything dropping tonight, I decided to post this. Not even sure I've processed anything that's happened in the manga recently, but I hope you enjoy! To make note, I don't blatantly drop big things in this (just light threads) but the last bit is post being boxed.

Pairing: Satoru Gojo x Reader

Summary: Four times Gojo asks something of you and the one time you ask something of him.

CW: Nothing in particular because I didn't want to make this one sad tbh.

I.

Your phone rang as you walked through a store with Shoko. It was the first real break either of you had in a while. “Are you busy?” asked the voice over the phone.

“Very busy,” you answered as you shifted a shopping bag to your other arm. Shoko looked at you and you smiled at her. As if she could telepathically understand who you were speaking to, she shook her head. Gojo hadn’t been around for some days, but you also didn’t want to abandon Shoko. 

“Whyyy?” he whined. “It’s an emergency!” 

“Call emergency services,” you said. 

“But you’re the only person who can solve it,” he argued. 

“What is it that you even need?” you asked him. You looked at the dresses that Shoko was pulling out and comparing. With every option, you would nod or shake your head.

“Wanna see you is all,” he said. Endearing, even if annoying. 

“You can see me when I’m done with Ieiri today,” you said. “Until then, you can hang tight, right?” 

“Not sure I’ll survive long enough,” he said. 

“I promise I’ll give you all my time when I get back, okay?” you said. 

“Fine,” he said. “But I get to pick what we do, okay?” 

“It’s gonna be one of those cheesy movies, isn’t it?” you asked. You could already envision his smile at your question.

“100 percent,” he answered before hanging up.

II.

“(Y/N),” said Gojo over the phone. You stared at the clock in confusion. It was early in the morning.

“Hm? What do you need so early in the morning?” you mumbled. Your mind was half-awake as the other half fought to remain asleep. 

“I need you to help me out,” he said. “I need to get Megumi and Tsumiki to school, but I also have to do a mission…” You recognized the names as the two kids that he’d adopted recently. You hadn’t met them just yet since they’d been adjusting to Gojo and you hadn’t wanted to overwhelm them too much with too many new people. 

“Do you think it’s fine if I meet them?” you asked. You’d sat up on your bed and begun to move to get ready.

“I’d love it if you did,” he answered. “And I’d appreciate your help…you’re the only person I can trust.” He sounded tired. 

“Okay,” you said as you pulled clothes out of your closet. “Send me the address and head over there after I get ready.” 

“Thank you, I owe you,” he said. 

“Don’t sweat it,” you said. “I’m happy to help.” 

III.

"What is it?" you asked him. Your cup of coffee had gone cold ages ago. You'd barely taken a sip from it when Gojo waltzed into your classroom and just sat down without saying a word.

It was odd to see him so serious but the small frown on his face indicated that something was wrong. "There's a mole in our midst," he answered. Your eyebrows furrowed. Mole? 

"Huh?" you said. 

"Everything that's happened was too precise…like someone within our ranks has been leaking it," he said. You couldn't deny that. 

"Any ideas?" you asked. You had no names. All of the students that you and Gojo shared were trustworthy. None of them seemed to be acting strange nor had you gotten suspicious or anything. 

"Not yet. I'm gonna tell Utahime to be more cautious, though. What happened can't happen again. We got caught off guard. What if it'd been worse?" he asked. You didn't want to think about it. Yuji'd nearly been killed and the injuries that some of them had sustained weren't great. 

Things were turning upside down so quickly. "I'll keep an eye out," you said. "I'm guessing that wasn't all you wanted to say?" 

"I'm gonna head out and investigate some stuff. You willing to keep the fort down while I'm gone?" he said. 

"Absolutely," you answered. You'd probably have to move around the upperclassmen to later in the day to fit in the underclassmen. Manageable. A bit annoying but manageable. 

He got up and stretched before beginning to walk out. "Thanks, always know I can count on you," he said. "Oh, by the way, my phone will always be on in case you need anything." 

"Take care of yourself!" you said as he waved goodbye. 

IV.

“Satoru, you better take care of yourself,” you said angrily as you looked your husband in the eyes. Even leaning down, he was still so tall. 

“You gonna miss me?” he teased. 

“So much,” you answered. “That’s why you better take care of yourself, okay?” The two of you were splitting up to cover more ground. The sudden situation had taken a turn that none of you were expecting. But importantly, you had to find the students. 

“Promise to call me if anything happens,” he said. 

“I should be saying that to you!” you said. 

“One more thing, if something were to happen to me, don’t act rashly,” said Gojo. 

“You say that as if you know something, Satoru,” you said softly. You didn’t like to think of a possibility where he would get hurt. 

“I don’t. But I also don’t want you getting hurt. If something were to happen to you…” You smiled at him.

“Nothing will. Just as you’ll be okay. We’ll meet back up once this is over and it’ll all be okay,” you reassured him. You turned to start heading off to find the others. 

“Just promise me that you’ll take care of yourself,” he called out. You turned around and raised your thumbs up.

“I promise it,” you said. He smiled and disappeared. 

V.

“Satoru,” you said. You didn’t know if you wanted to cry or smile at seeing him again. Your husband in the flesh in front of you again. His arms around you were real. His warmth was real. The tears that you’d pushed down while he’d been trapped away surfaced up.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t be the reason you ever cry.” 

“I’m just happy, Satoru,” you said. “I’m so happy that you’re right here…” 

“You’re okay? You weren’t hurt too badly or anything?” he said as he pulled away. His eyes scanned your body quickly as if trying to find any injury. 

“I’m fine now,” you said. “But Satoru, are you going to fight?” He nodded. There couldn’t be more time for the two of you right now.

“Promise me that you’ll come back, yeah?” you said. 

“I will,” he said. 

“I know,” you said. “So, go win.” He kissed your forehead before leaving you to go fight. 

He’d win. He’d promised that he would. 

#gojo x reader #gojo x y/n #jjk x reader #jjk imagines #gojo satoru x reader #gojo satoru x y/n #jjk x y/n

[astralaffairs]

voltaire to versace 04 | thomas jefferson

title: voltaire to versace 04

pairing: professor!thomas jefferson x reader

words: 7.4k

warnings: this one is chill just like sexual tension. sorry ive been gone for two years lol

desc: from francis bacon to foucault, descartes to dante, your political philosophy seminar doesn’t promise to be a blowout — and yet, one mysterious stranger and a risqué evening later, your burberry-clad professor gives you the feeling it won’t be quite the snoozefest you’d expected.

tags: @lunariasilver @tinywhim @nyxie75 @wreakhavoconmacroissantdiggs @checkurwindow @katierpblogg @cubedtriangle @lunariasilver @lexylovesfandoms @fanfic-addict-98 @stephyra17 @notebookgirl30 @exorcisms-with-elmo @kmsmedine @itshaileyn @honeyand-roses @laic2299 @id-do-it-for-free-babe @luckyfriesss @golddiggs-x @drreamhugs @sillyteecup @notebookgirl30 @marvelouslyemily @checkurwindow— let me know if you’d like to be tagged in future parts!

SHE STILL FINISHED grading the first round of essays for Thomas, but she dropped them off at the faculty mailboxes that Sunday afternoon — she couldn't face him at that point. On Monday, she gravitated back to her seat at the rear of his lecture hall. She did the same on Wednesday.

Her responses to his emails and his texts were short and to-the-point. He needed her to grade the recent papers from his International Security class? Sure, but she was busy during his office hours; any chance he could leave them in his mailbox so she could pick them up the next morning? Thanks, that'd be great. He wanted her to work with him on laying out the rubric for an essay? No problem. She'd set up a shared Google Doc right away.

It was a week after Y/N had last spoken to Thomas that Dolley was over his apartment that weekend with James. She was smug when she came home to Y/N.

"Thomas is looking for you," she said mildly, and Y/N glanced up from her laptop on the couch with a skeptical gaze.

"And what, exactly, makes you say that?"

"He asked me to tell you."

Y/N's eyebrows shot up. "Wait, seriously?"

"Mhm." Dolley's smile was self-pleased. "He was home when I was over, and he said he needed to talk to you."

"Thanks for letting me know." Y/N's voice was tense as she looked back to the paper she was writing, and Dolley took a seat beside her with a glass of water.

"Can I ask why that might be?"

"No clue."

"So are you going to talk to him?"

"I have class with him Monday. I'll see him then."

"Y/N." She gave her a deadpanned look, and Y/N looked tired when she met her eyes. "Did something happen? You haven't mentioned his name even once all this week."

"No, everything's fine," Y/N assured her, but Dolley looked less than convinced.

"Then why do you look so unhappy right now, dear?"

"What? I don't," she replied defensively, and Dolley raised a skeptical eyebrow.

"How daft do you think I am?" she asked, folding her arms after she put her glass on their coffee table. "You can deny wanting to sleep with him all you'd like, but I know how much you like Thomas. It isn't exactly subtle. So what happened with you two?"

Y/N sighed, rubbing the side of her nose. "It's not really that big of a deal. I'm probably blowing it out of proportion, but he drove me home from the party at their apartment last weekend, and..."

"And?"

"And I came onto him." She was wincing at even the memory. "I was drunk, though, and he knew that, but it was so stupid. I'm still kind of mortified, so I've been dodging his attempts to talk to me. I don't know how I'm supposed to face him."

Dolley took a deep breath, eyeing Y/N where she sat with her head in her hands, her laptop closed on her lap. "Well, he clearly wants you to talk to him, so I'm sure he didn't think it was quite so bad."

"But I'm gonna be an anxious wreck the next time I have to talk to him," she groaned.

"You're his TA and his student," Dolley pointed out. "You can't avoid him forever."

"I'm not trying to," Y/N said. "But… y'know. I can still put it off for a little while. Midterms are only a week away, and then it's spring break. If I can make it that far, I don't have to talk to him until fourth quarter."

"You're being ridiculous."

“I’m being practical,” she replied, “besides, it’s only two weeks till break. The only time I’m gonna need to talk to him is when I turn in my midterm.”

Dolley snorted. “I’d wish you luck, but this one’s a lost cause, dear.”

————————————

IN THE END, Dolley was right. He hardly let her get away with it for more than a week.

"Y/N, can I have a word?"

She cringed.

It was 6 PM on Wednesday; the rest of her class was filing out of the lecture hall, but she paused where she stood in the row second to last. She'd already turned to leave. She shifted on her feet as she turned to Thomas, pulled her bag further up her shoulder, but when she saw him standing at the front of the room, arms folded and brow creased as he watched her, she couldn't meet his eyes.

Her classmates shot her curious looks as they left — Thomas never asked students to stay after class. If something was wrong, he sent them emails, he asked them to come to his office hours, he’d even used Twitter messages to reach people before, but he never publicly asked someone to hang back. She’d learned that it was against his ethos as a professor; he’d told her a story or two of his college days that made her understand why.

However, as much attention as this anomaly in his behavior drew, she had a feeling she knew why he wanted a word with her. She slumped back into her chair beside the aisle until everyone else was gone, and finally, the door fell shut, echoed through the hall, and she approached Thomas's desk with a looming sense of dread. He glanced up from packing his bag.

"Hey."

"Hey." Her voice was hesitant. "You couldn't have just approached me after the class got out?"

"In my defense," he started, "you haven't been makin' yourself all that easy to find. Everything okay lately?"

He was watching her expectantly, an eyebrow raised, and she folded her arms. "Yeah. Just fine."

"Then lemme rephrase that." Then, he turned fully toward her, his bag pulled shut and pushed aside. He frowned. "Why've you been avoiding me?"

Her eyebrows shot up. "What? I'm not."

"Yes, you are." The words left no room for negotiation, and she sighed. "And I mean, 's your prerogative. You've still been comin' through as a TA, so I'm not about to try and criticize you, but can I at least get an explanation?"

He looked pretty frustrated for someone who wasn't about to try and criticize her.

"You're not that oblivious," she said. "I have a feeling you know why."

Several moments passed in a tense silence. He was eyeing her tentatively, unmoving, and she couldn't meet his scrutinizing gaze, shifting on her feet. Finally, he sighed.

"The party?"

"Got it in one."

To her surprise, he let out a dry huff of laughter. "To be honest, I'm surprised you even remember that."

"I kinda wish I didn't."

Thomas offered her a reluctant smile. "I hear that. But..." He hesitated. "Which part of that night’s still bothering you?”

Y/N furrowed her brow, looking back up toward him. "Seriously?”

She figured it was obvious. Trying to seduce your professor while well-past drunk seemed like a clear, egregious issue, and she wasn’t quite sure why he was playing dumb.

"After all that time you spent avoidin’ me, you've gotta know what I'm talkin' about. C'mon." She stared at him blankly for another moment, and finally, he sighed. "Nevermind. I'm sorry about what happened then. We don't have to keep discussin' it if you don't wanna."

"No, hang on, what are you sorry for?" she asked, disbelief clear in her voice, and he raised an eyebrow. She hesitated before she went on, "I... I'm sorry for coming onto you like that. It was really stupid, and I know I crossed a line, but that's all my own fault; I don't—"

"You were drunk. Don't feel bad about it," he said reasonably. She was searching his apologetic expression as he spoke; she couldn't fathom why he looked guilty. Had something happened that she didn't remember?

"But why are you apologizing?" she asked softly, creasing her forehead. "You didn't do anything wrong."

"I got real close to doin' something I shouldn't, though," he said, carding a hand through his curls. "I shouldn't have let it get that far. 'Specially not when you were drunk. I got too close to crossing that line."

"Too close to..." Y/N repeated, trailing off with her brow furrowed, but that was when it hit her. Had she not been so mortified by her own actions, she realized, she'd have been dwelling instead on the way his hands had tightened around her waist, how he'd pulled her into himself with a bruising grip when she tugged at his hair. That evening, she'd convinced herself he was going to spend the night. "Oh."

"Yeah." He swallowed hard, hands tucked into his pockets. "So, 'm sorry. I should've shut that down, and I get why you've been keepin' your distance."

"No, no, relax." She dismissed his apology with a flippant wave of her hand. "I was in the wrong. You were trying to be considerate."

"You're givin' me too much credit," he sighed, and a flicker of a smile graced her lips.

"I wouldn't say that," she argued, and she hesitated, cocked a brow before adding, "Unless, of course, you had an ulterior motive for insisting on taking me home in the middle of the night?"

His eyes widened. "Oh! Jesus, no, I swear, I didn't— I wouldn't..." As an amused grin split Y/N's controlled expression, though, he trailed off, squinting at her. "You're just messin' with me, aren't you?"

“Maybe,” she answered mildly, giving an innocent shrug. He scowled. “But, really, Thomas, it’s fine. We can forget it ever happened, okay?”

He watched her warily as she offered him a tense smile. He wasn't sure it was fine, and quite frankly, he knew he'd have a hard time forgetting it ever happened — he felt like there was more left to say.

But as his pause stretched on, as she raised her eyebrows at his uncharacteristic silence, he didn't have the words.

"You sure?" was all he finally said.

"Yeah."

“Alright.” He eyed her for another moment, wary, before he pulled his bag up onto his shoulder. "That’s good. I… guess I'll see you around. Good luck with midterms, Y/N."

She didn't miss the final, unreadable once-over he gave her before starting up the stairs out of the lecture hall. She didn't go after him.

————————————————

WHAT FOLLOWED WAS midterms week, which came and went without much pomp or circumstance. She didn't see much of Thomas that week after finishing with his test, which was more intentional than she’d like to have admitted. On Friday night, she finished grading the papers he'd delegated to her, but she just left them in his mailbox.

When Saturday afternoon rolled around, she was perched on the couch in her apartment flipping through the same Netflix suggestions she'd been seeing for the past hour. She'd had an incredibly relaxed day, and she assumed it would stay as such until Dolley came bursting in with a wide grin.

Y/N raised an eyebrow. "Where are you coming from looking so excited?"

"James's."

"Ah." No further questions were necessary, but when Dolley circled around to stand right between Y/N and the television, it was clear something more was up — something Y/N had no interest in finding out about. "Do you mind? I was watching that."

"Oh, please. No, you weren't," Dolley scoffed, but her eyes were alight despite her contrived annoyance.

"Well, I was going to," Y/N grumbled, and Dolley could only smile.

"You're going to want to hear what I have to say."

"Am I?"

"Certainly." Y/N raised an expectant brow when Dolley took a step closer to her. "Spring break just started."

"What else is new?"

"James's family has a home in the Outer Banks."

"Good for him." Y/N's responses were short as she tried to lean around Dolley, scrolling through the 'New to Netflix' category. Dolley groaned, rolled her eyes. Y/N's noises of protest went entirely ignored as Dolley pulled her remote from her hand, and she deadpanned as Dolley rested her hands on her shoulders, sitting down to straddle her lap on the couch. "Seriously?" Y/N whined.

"And we are going to the Outer Banks for spring break."

"I'm sorry, what?" She let out a dry laugh at the conviction in Dolley's voice. "Alright, maybe you're going to the Outer Banks over break, but last I checked, James and I aren't exactly on the level of road trip buddies."

"Please consider it. He told me I could invite you."

Y/N rolled her eyes. "Yeah, because he likes you. Not because he wants me there."

"Oh, what does it matter?" she whined. "An invitation is an invitation. James just doesn't know you yet. I'm sure he'll come to love you."

"I don't care," Y/N groaned, shoving her off, and Dolley rolled off to sit beside her on the couch with a huff. "As much as I love you, I refuse to let your infatuation with James take over my social life."

"What social life?" Dolley scoffed. "I've already taken it over. Now I'm just adding James."

"Hey, I have other friends," Y/N said, but Dolley gave her a disbelieving look.

"Your professors and your study groups don't count."

"There's also the kid I see every day in the library," Y/N defended. "He's the only other one on the sixth floor."

"Do you even know his name?"

She hesitated. "That's not relevant."

"Darling," Dolley groaned, shifting onto her side to face Y/N. "Just come with me. It'll be fun. And I'm sure James is bringing Thomas; after all, they're roommates."

"That doesn't add to the appeal, Doll." Y/N wasn’t sure she trusted herself on a vacation spent with him in the Outer Banks, sleeping in the same house as him, trying not to stare at him shirtless on the beach. "I let you drag me to their apartment for a night, and it ended up sucking. I'm not gonna subject myself to that for a whole week."

"Ten days," Dolley corrected her.

"That's worse." Y/N’s huff was heavy, and as she raked a hand through her hair, Dolley wore a pout. “Besides, I can’t. I have that scholarship dinner thing, remember? I have to wine and dine all the donors.”

Dolley wrinkled her nose. “I forgot about those. I’ve always thought they were exploitative.”

“Oh, they are,” Y/N agreed, “but they’re giving me too much money for me to be able to complain. I can be their little academic Miss America for a night as long as they keep paying my tuition.”

Dolley hummed in acquiescence as Y/N returned to scrolling through her suggested shows on Netflix. “So it’s like a beauty pageant, but instead of hair extensions, you bring your resume.”

“Feels more like a strip club. I had to go to two at my old school, and it’s just putting on a show to get rich, wrinkled old men to throw us a few bucks. May as well wear a g-string and try to find myself a sugar daddy.”

“Mmh, let me know if any of your DILFs have pretty sons, alright?”

Y/N gave Dolley a skeptical look. “You’ve already got James; leave the rich legacy boys for me.”

“Sharing is caring.”

———————————————

ULTIMATELY, DOLLEY WENT to the Outer Banks without her. She left the next morning (but apparently couldn't leave without giving Y/N a serious tongue-lashing). And from there, Y/N was left to fend for herself.

The first couple days were fine. She ate the remainder of the groceries in the apartment. She watched seven seasons of Grey's Anatomy before deciding she hated all the characters. She cleaned out the fridge. She drank Dolley's nice red wine (with no plans to replace it). She organized her sock drawer.

Alright, so maybe she was going a little stir-crazy in Dolley's absence. So much for her having a social life outside of that apartment.

However, she didn't leave until she was clean out of food, bourbon, and episodes of SVU.

She was just around the corner from the nice CVS, though, so when she left, she didn't particularly expect to have any reason to look her best — if any of her classmates saw her in her pajama pants, it was far from her greatest concern.

She emerged with two white plastic bags, both stretching around the edges of the fruits of her pseudo-grocery run; the fact that she hadn't bought anything with nearly the nutritional value of actual fruit was beside the point. Regardless, she was feeling rather self-satisfied as she turned onto the sidewalk headed back to her apartment, arms weighed down with junk food, holding her CVS rewards card in the corner of her mouth, lips pressed into a thin line as she tried to re-organize her wallet — but apparently, she was too preoccupied to realize what was immediately in front of her as she took the next left.

"Woah, there."

She screeched as she ran directly into the man on the other side of the corner. As she stumbled backward, not managing to spare herself from falling on her ass, two of her grocery bags went tumbling to the ground; three split right through the bottom of the plastic, and as her pint of mint chocolate chip ice cream rolled to the feet of her accidental assailant, she let out a defeated groan.

She dropped her shoulders with an angry huff, and when the man before her leaned down to pick up the ice cream she'd spent the past week working up the energy to leave the house for, her gaze followed it up as he rose.

"Mint chip? Really?" When she caught sight of Thomas's amused expression, the exhaustion on her shoulders only compounded. He'd clearly been out running; he ran a hand through his curls, wiped the sweat from his brow as he popped out one of his earbuds. "You've got some awful taste, there."

"Of course, it's you," she grumbled. "Because I couldn't have been bulldozed by some stranger to, at least, spare myself the humiliation."

His smile was entertained as she dusted herself off, sparing what she could of her CVS haul, tucking her rewards card into her wallet and her pack of razor heads into her purse before she stood. "I think this belongs to you?"

"Yeah, yeah." The annoyance was clear in her voice when she looked up to see his outstretched hand, offering her back the ice cream, but (although she took the pint back immediately, as her priorities were still in order) that wasn't where her gaze stopped, instead trailing up his arm to his heaving (bare) chest and the earbuds hanging loosely from one of his ears. Her breath caught in her throat.

Sweat trailed down his torso to his abs, glistening in the mid-morning sunlight and drawing her eyes down to the waist of his sweatpants where they hung low on his hips. Her stare was only broken when he pulled his headphones out, wrapping them around his hand and yanking her gaze back up to his arms. The shift didn't help; instead, she couldn't break her wide-eyed, gawking stare from his biceps.

"Y/N?"

She was jolted back to earth with a start at the sound of his voice as he stuffed his earbuds into his pocket. His grin was broad, and her cheeks were on fire. "Shit, sorry, I, um—"

"Relax, it's fine," he said, tucking his phone in his pocket. "Need a hand with your, uh..." He picked up her extra-large jar of Nutella, "groceries?"

As he watched her expectantly, she swallowed hard, shaking her head with a tense smile. "No, no, that's fine," she assured him. "I wouldn't want to interrupt your run. I can manage."

He quirked a brow. "You sure? You're gonna have a hell of a time carryin' all of these on your own."

"I don't live far."

"I know," he said, and as she did her best to collect all her goods from the pavement around them, he did the same, "but there's no way you can get these all back by hand."

"I'll be alright," she said, her words taking on an undertone of annoyance (although it was ultimately born of her unease). Thomas didn't look so convinced.

"C'mon, just lemme help you out?" he reasoned with her, and as she tried to pull her purse shut around her two bags of mini tacos, balancing a package of laundry detergent pods on her lifted knee, she couldn't put up too much resistance. "You 'n I both know you need it."

Y/N pursed her lips. "Fine. Thank you."

Thomas raised an eyebrow. "Call me crazy, but you don't sound too grateful, now."

"Let's just go."

Though it took them a moment longer, between them, they did manage to balance all of her quasi-groceries in their arms, and Y/N nodded in the direction Thomas had been coming from. "My apartment is back this way."

"Yeah, I remember."

"Still?"

He shrugged. "I'm good with directions. And I've taken you back there twice, now."

"Right.” Against her will, the memories from those two separate nights began to surface in her mind, and she could feel her cheeks heating up. “How could I forget?”

Her tone was dry, uncomfortable, but to her relief, Thomas laughed it off.

"Someone's feelin' hostile today, huh?" he commented. Although she rolled her eyes, her face was burning; his presence had her on edge, reacting to even the smallest of his movements, and she was still trying to shake off how mortified she was from having run into him in the first place.

"Sorry. I'm just tired." He raised an eyebrow. "My sleep schedule's been all over the place without Dolley around to nag me about it."

"Oh, yeah, she's outta town with James, huh?" She hummed in confirmation. “Why didn’t you end up goin’ with ‘em? James told me he invited you.”

She huffed out a dry laugh. “Yeah, he invited me as an extension of Dolley because he wanted her there. I’m much happier alone in my apartment than stuck in the Outer Banks with people I hardly know.”

“Yeah, you ‘n me both.”

Y/N furrowed her brow. “I thought these were your friends that were going.”

He shrugged. “James ended up bringin’ a lotta grad students I’ve never met. Some undergrads in there, too. Would’ve been a shitty ten days, ‘specially once he let me know you weren’t comin’.”

“‘Especially once you knew I wasn’t coming’?” she echoed, raising an eyebrow.

“Yeah, don’t get ahead of yourself,” he replied. “I stayed behind ‘cause I knew I could pawn more papers off on you to grade.”

“Well, that is part of my charm,” she said frankly, and he couldn’t help but laugh.

“That and the pajamas you’re always wearin’ around campus?”

“Oh, come on, I’ve seen you when I was wearing pajamas once. That’s it.”

He hummed skeptically, and she glanced up at him as they walked. “I know you’re no math major, but addin’ today to the day you stormed into my office makes two days, not one.”

“Today doesn’t count,” she argued. “The plan was to go to CVS, go back home, and interact with nobody. Besides, you’re not even wearing a shirt, so it’s not like you have any room to judge.”

“At least you know that I own shirts, though.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“That you only own pajamas, sweetheart. Didn’t think I had to spell it out for you,” he said matter-of-factly, casting her a sidelong glance, and while his expression was playful, she could feel her cheeks flush.

“Oh, shut up; you know that isn’t true,” she defended. “Just because I’m partial to my sweatpants doesn’t mean I can’t dress up when need be. I have nice clothes.”

He eyed her skeptically. “I’ll believe it when I see it.”

————————————

IT TOOK THE pair of them just a few minutes to reach Y/N’s apartment building, but it took several more for them to actually make it up to her apartment. Trying to get the door unlocked without dropping anything was a fiasco — it ended in one of her mini Coke cans rolling down the hall, no doubt fated to explode the minute she opened it, and a bag of pizza rolls splitting open at the corner when she dropped it. Thomas had little sympathy for her complaints about them being exposed to carpet germs.

"Thank you for all the help." Y/N turned to Thomas with a sheepish smile when she finally put her groceries down. "Sorry for ruining your workout."

"Don't mention it." He dismissed her apology with a wave of his hand after he put the rest of her things down into the pile she'd started. "After all, you're tiring enough that it doesn't make a difference."

"Shut up." Despite her scowl, he snickered, and she rolled her eyes as she went to open her fridge. "I should put everything away so it doesn't go bad, but is there anything I can get you as a 'thank you'? A drink? Something to eat?"

"This just your way of askin' me to stay longer?" He raised a teasing eyebrow, but when she turned to him, her eyes were wide.

“Oh! No, no, I didn’t mean… I mean, you don’t have to, I just—”

“Woah, relax.” His voice held a trace of a laugh at the panic that was slowly dissipating from her gaze. “I was kiddin’, alright? Didn’t mean to rattle you like that.”

“I’m not rattled,” she defended, closing her fridge, and she could feel her cheeks heating up as he eyed her with disbelief. “I just felt like I owed you something for all the help. I know I kinda derailed your day."

"I told you, it wasn't a problem," he said mildly. “But, y’know, if you wanna pay me back, I’ve got a whole lot more papers that need gradin’.”

Her groan made him laugh. “God, please don’t make me regret becoming your TA. I have better things to do with my spring break.”

“Like what?”

“Like eating all the ice cream I just bought?” she said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world, and he rolled his eyes.

“C’mon, if I give you the rubric, you really can’t multitask?”

She sighed. “Yeah, alright, if you really need the help. I’ll come to pick them up sometime this week if that works for you?”

“That’s just fine. I wasn’t plannin’ on going into my office, though, so you’ll have to swing by my apartment.” Her most vivid memories of the last time she’d been at his place flashed in her mind’s eye. “That okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course.” She cleared her throat when she realized how long her moment of hesitation had been. He creased his brow. “Just tell me what time you’ll be home. I won’t have any scheduling conflicts.”

“What, you don’t have any big parties on the calendar?” he asked, cracking a lopsided grin, and she let out the lightest of laughs, the sound quiet and forced. “You aren’t gonna find yourself gettin’ arrested when a professor calls the cops on your rager?”

“Nah, not this time,” she said. Her smile was stiff, and he pursed his lips as he watched her continue unpacking her groceries, bending down to tuck various packages into different cupboards.

“Good to know,” he replied. In the pause that followed, Y/N was aware of every twitch of every muscle in her body; she could feel his eyes on her as she moved through her space. “I’ll text you when I sort ‘em out, then.”

“Cool.” Her mouth was dry. She didn’t look his way.

“Alright.” The hum of the fridge had never sounded louder. They could hear footsteps on an adjacent floor of the building and the soft buzz of their AC unit. Y/N swallowed. His next words were cautious. “So, should I, uh, head on out, then?”

Her eyebrows jumped. When she turned her head to look at him, she realized he hadn’t moved from his spot. She shrugged hesitantly.

“I mean, it’s your call.” His gaze flitted away from her when she met his eyes. “If you have somewhere to be, I don’t wanna keep you. I can finish putting my food away.”

“Wouldn't wanna overstay my welcome is all. I dunno if I should be spendin’ any more time in your apartment than I need to.” His expression was nonchalant, uncaring, but his shoulders were tense. She could see the tendons in his upper arms twitching, and it was only then that she was reminded that he was, in fact, very shirtless in her kitchen.

He glanced back at her with tentative eyes.

“That might be smart.” She stood up to her full height, looking down at the counter before her. “It’s getting kinda late anyway. You should probably head back before it gets dark.”

It was nowhere near sundown, but the message was certainly received, and Thomas nodded. “‘Course. I’ll see myself out.”

“Thanks for the help with the groceries,” Y/N said softly, and he smiled.

“Anytime,” he said. “I’ll see you soon.”

———————————————

“WHAT CLASS GOT a multiple choice midterm?” The indignance in Y/N’s voice made Thomas laugh.

“The freshmen.”

They were at Thomas’s apartment. Dolley and James would still be gone on their road trip for five more days, though, and that left them living alone about a block away from each other. Y/N wasn’t sure she knew where they stood, but when she went to pick up the midterms Thomas needed her to grade, he first had to walk her through the rubric. Then she started asking questions, and they both ended up sitting; then Thomas returned to sipping his coffee, and Y/N started leafing through one of the papers with a pen, and it only made sense for her to stay.

At least, that was how she justified it to herself as she reached the end of her second hour parked on his couch.

“I swear to god, you coddle those freshmen,” she said, twirling her pen absentmindedly as she went through the answer key. She scowled. “And they’re still getting, like, 25% off.”

“See? I’ve gotta coddle ‘em,” he defended. “If I make that class any harder, I’m gonna have a full class of Fs on my record. Won’t be gettin’ tenure, that’s for sure.”

“If you treated them like they were competent, maybe they’d be forced to learn,” she suggested, and he rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever. When you finish grading ‘em, d’you mind calculating the curve for me?”

“This is curved?” Her tone bordered on genuine annoyance, but her dramatic reaction was only entertaining Thomas. “I’m gonna need another cup of coffee to get through this.”

“Now, this feels exploitive.”

“You don’t even pay me to TA,” she pointed out. “With the bullshit I put up with, you owe me a drink from that fancy espresso machine you have tucked away.”

“Aw, c’mon, is workin’ with me really so bad, sweetheart?” He plastered on a pout, but the casual term of endearment made her pulse jump. It didn’t feel so natural to hear him call her that anymore.

"Don't get me started," she said, but she knew how shaky she sounded. Thankfully, he didn't seem to notice (and if he did, he didn't mention it).

“Alright, alright. I was just headed to get myself another, anyway.” He acquiesced easily, and she was all but relieved when he left the room, taking both their mugs with him.

She wanted there to be a way for her to shake off any of the nerves he always seemed to leave her with. It wasn’t right; it wasn’t fair — he was her professor. He used terms of endearment without a second thought. She needed to stop overthinking it, especially given that she’d heard him call both Maria and Angelica “darling” and “honey” on more than one occasion. “Sweetheart” seemed to be reserved for her, though.

Stop thinking like that.

She cringed as the observation surfaced. She knew she was reading into it, and her mind was running a mile a minute to try and replace the idea with something else, any kind of distraction. She decided to chalk it all up to the caffeine she’d been consuming en masse.

So maybe another latte wasn’t the greatest idea. She pushed herself off of his couch with a grunt.

All she wanted was a glass of water, so she didn't expect that there'd be any problem with her just barging into his kitchen since she was already at his place.

But she'd just turned into the kitchen's doorway, and Thomas wouldn't have minded it if she hadn't turned with the worst timing imaginable.

"Oh, fuck." She felt the coffee scalding her skin before she processed what'd happened. Her grimace was involuntary and pronounced as she stumbled away from him, pulling the back of her shirt as far away from her body as she could. "Shit, shit, shit, that's hot."

"Jesus, are you alright?" It wasn't until a split second later that she turned to see Thomas standing behind her, mortified and frantically going to set down his mugs so he could go to check on her.

But she only shook her head, doing her best to regulate her breathing, control her expression despite the searing pain across her upper back. “Shit, I—” Her voice broke off as she swallowed hard, far from concerned with being a considerate guest when she pushed past him into his kitchen. Thomas was frozen to the spot, watching her rush to the sink and frantically yanking off the nozzle of his sink to run cold water over her shoulder blade (she’d never been more grateful for his bougie interior design). Her focus was nowhere near him.

She had no clue how to treat a burn. However, she didn’t think twice before tearing her shirt off — it was searing her skin.

Her tunnel vision may have blinded her to the larger context of her panic (and for good reason, all things considered), but Thomas was stunned as he watched her strip off her button-down in the middle of his kitchen, run it under water to use it as a rag. She tucked it under her left bra strap so that she could press the cold cloth directly against the burn.

Thomas was gawking. When Y/N caught her breath, turning to him, she met his eyes, and— well, actually, she didn’t meet his eyes. His gaze was focused a good ten inches below her eyes, and she chose to conclude that he was staring at her chest because he was concerned about having burnt her with coffee. The fact that not even a drop of the scalding coffee had touched her chest was a nonissue.

“Do you know anything about treating burns?”

“Not…” He cleared his throat, redirecting his stare up to where her eyes actually were. “Not much. I— Holy shit, are you alright? God… lemme Google it. Hang on.” She tried to catch her breath as Thomas pulled out his phone, and the first thing he said was, “Alright, says you’ve gotta get rid of any clothes over the burn.” He glanced back up at her. “Looks like you’ve got that covered, though.”

“Yeah, I figured that one out for myself. Thanks.” Her tone was dry.

“Right.” Thomas cleared his throat. “You wanna use my shower to run it under cold water, then?”

She nodded frantically, grimacing as she pulled her damp shirt out from under her bra strap, holding that as far from her skin as she could without her bra coming off. “Please.”

It took just about all of Thomas’s willpower to keep his gaze north of her collarbones as he showed her where the bathroom was and told her how to work the shower. If any god happened to be real, he was fairly sure he was being tested that afternoon — and all because he didn’t feel like calculating the curve on his midterms. He could safely say that this was far more difficult.

He gave her a towel and some of his spare clothes to change into, but when she dug the Neosporin out of his medicine cabinet, he heard her call his name.

He knocked on the bathroom door. “Everything alright in there?”

“Yeah, I just…” Her voice was muffled as she trailed off. “I can’t reach the burn.”

“Oh.” He swallowed audibly, although Y/N was far enough that she couldn’t hear it. “D’you… need help?”

“Please.” Her voice was hesitant and nervous.

“Can… can I come in?”

“Yeah, just hang on a second.” There was a pause. Y/N didn't meet his eyes when she came to open the door; she held a towel over her bra-clad chest, one of the straps having slipped off the side of her left shoulder. "I, er… can't reach my back to bandage it. Can you… ?"

Thomas's eyes widened. "Oh, um, yeah. Yeah, I've got it."

"Thanks," she said quietly, and when she turned to the sink, passing him the ointment and gauze as she faced the mirror, she kept her hand towel held over her front. "Sorry about… all this."

"Why're you sorry?" The amusement in his voice eased the tension in her shoulders. "Sorry for gettin' coffee spilled on you? Sorry for havin' skin on your back?"

"Sorry for having burnable skin on my back," she corrected him, and he laughed.

"Yeah, alright, good point. If you weren't so damn flammable we wouldn't have this issue," he teased, but he pursed his lips. "In all seriousness, this one's on me. Wasn't watching where I was goin'; I was the one that ran right into you, not the other way around."

"Yeah, but I was in the way," Y/N pushed back, and Thomas raised a skeptical eyebrow, meeting her eyes in the mirror.

"You've gotta stop apologizing for things, sweetheart. Especially things that I think we both know weren't your fault." How frankly he spoke made her sigh, and in that moment, it felt as if she was back in the entrance of her apartment, clinging to him as he tried to keep himself from pulling her closer. She swallowed her pang of guilt. “Lemme know if this hurts, yeah?”

“Okay.” Her voice was small.

Neither of them spoke as he dabbed ointment onto her wound, and his gentle touch had a warmth filling her skin that had nothing to do with the burn. He stood within inches behind her. The air in his bathroom was tense; both of them were aware of every movement the other made, every brush of their skin against one another, and it took every ounce of her willpower to keep her eyes down, to keep from staring at him in the mirror. She glanced up to see him knitting his brow, concern in his gaze. 

He placed the ointment back onto his sink, instead unraveling the gauze he held in his other hand.

"Pass me the medical tape?" The sound of his voice made her look up, meeting his eyes in the mirror. It took her a moment to process his words, but when she did, she broke his gaze immediately, clearing her throat and nodding as she reached for it and handed it back to him.

Her skin tingled as he laid the gauze softly over her wound, doing his best to give her skin room to breathe. She shivered as he taped it down by the sides. "Alright."

"You're done?"

He nodded and although his touch was tentative as he pressed the tape down to her back, it was firm. "Yeah, that should hold. Looks good."

"Okay," she said quietly, giving him a small smile. "Thank you."

When he finished, she expected him to take a step back, to let himself out of the bathroom so she could get dressed, and so she turned to him, anticipating that he'd move out of the way and she could retrieve her clothes from the bathroom floor. However, it was at the same time that she turned that he leaned forward to put the gauze back on the edge of the sink behind the ointment. They moved in synchrony, but it wasn't the synchrony either expected.

They were both far, far too afraid to move, then.

Thomas's hand was on the side of the sink, now to her right as she faced him, and with him leaning into her, between his arm beside her and the rest of his body in front of her, Y/N didn't have much of anywhere to go. Thomas, however, could've moved. He should've moved, too, and he knew that well. But when she turned to him, he found his face mere inches from hers. His nose brushed against her cheek, and with her having used his shower, with her wearing his spare clothes, he could smell the traces of his woody cologne mixing with a sugared scent he couldn't describe as anything other than her. She swallowed hard.

This felt familiar to both of them, by then. The proximity between them was all but second nature with how much time they spent together, with all the late hours in his office or her apartment. But this atmosphere was charged.

Every interaction between them had been measured and meticulous for months — while they had both been pushing boundaries, neither dared to cross them. But this? Neither of them had meant for this to happen. Neither had meant to make it so easy for them to simply fall into each other, but something about it seemed so natural, almost fateful.

Thomas was exercising every last drop of his willpower as he looked down at Y/N's wide eyes, her wet hair, her (his) pajama pants that were far too long for her. He tucked one of her damp locks behind her ear.

"We can't do this." Y/N's words were cautionary as Thomas's eyes wandered to her lips, but there was no feeling behind them. She didn't want him to stop.

"I know." His thumb traced her jaw, and he made no move to step away. He did know that what he was doing was wrong, but with how caught up he was in everything that was her, he was having trouble remembering why. "So stop me before I do something stupid."

She couldn't take a breath. Her voice was trembling.

"I don't think I want to."

He was hesitant to lean in toward her, but when he shifted forward, she met him halfway with every bit as much trepidation, and this kiss was nothing like the night they met. His touch was careful. His lips were slow, savoring the taste of her on his tongue. He held her as if his gentle touch would negate all the implications of their actions, all the damage this might cause.

Because this didn't feel like the illicit affair that Y/N knew it to be. This was Thomas, her friend, her coworker, her fleeting one-night stand, and she held him against her in an embrace like that of a lover, her arms looped around his neck as the side of her nose brushed against his. This was easy. This was natural.

But this was her professor.

"Stop." She pulled away from him, a hand on his chest as she struggled to catch her breath, and Thomas's gaze didn't read as dejection or hurt, but instead it came with an air of concern. The silence that followed her single word was excruciating.

"Y/N?" His voice was hoarse, but it was heavy with guilt. She didn't meet his eyes.

"I… I'm sorry, Thomas. I really…" She trailed off as he took a wary step back; she let out a breath of relief when he was no longer boxing her in against the counter, his hips no longer pinning hers back. "I need to go. I'm sorry."

She left the bathroom in a rush, grabbing her shirt from the floor and pulling it back over her head without a second thought. When she took off, he didn’t try to stop her.

#hamilton x reader #hamilton #thomas jefferson #thomas jefferson x reader #jefferson x reader #hamilton imagines #hamilton imagine #thomas jefferson imagine #thomas jefferson scenario #thomas jefferson scenarios #thomas jefferson smut #thomas jefferson fanfic #hamilton fic #hamilton x reader imagines

[timeoverload]

I had an episode at work earlier suddenly and I was so angry that I was in tears. Nothing triggered me other than my own thoughts and I thought I was going to snap. I wanted to scream and go crazy but I didn't. I got lost in my head and I was making assumptions about things that I'm not sure are even true. I typed up a long explanation about why I'm upset but I'm not going to post it. I don't want to make anyone mad because that's not my intention. It's not going to make anything better if I do say anything about it so I should be quiet. If you really want to know what I'm thinking, you can ask me yourself directly. I don't to involve anyone else in that conversation.

You also reminded me earlier that some of the best times in my life haven't happened yet.. when will that be..? It has been over 2 and a half years now. You told me santa claus was coming to town but I think he must have gotten lost. You are the only gift I wanted for Christmas so I was sad but I didn't want to make a big deal out of it and ruin your weekend. I'm not trying to blame you for how I feel. I also still want to give you the gift I got you for valentine's day. It's nothing that exciting but I hope you will like it whenever I'm allowed to give it to you.

Thanks for posting stuff on instagram because I appreciate it and it's very sweet. I wish it could substitute actual human interaction but I should be grateful you send me anything at all. Sometimes I feel like I am getting the silent treatment when you don't post on your tumblr for a while. I guess sometimes it seems like you are totally fine without me around but maybe you are good at hiding it. I know you are very busy all the time so you don't have time to sit at the computer like I do.

I hope that someday things will get better between us. I want to clarify that I am not angry with you. I am just having a horrible time trying to deal with this situation. There's so much uncertainty. I also miss you a lot.

Anyway I haven't had the best day. I'm sorry, I don't want to be a pessimist. I've been quiet for most of it and I still don't feel very talkative at the moment.

My eye is bothering me but it's not as bad as yesterday. My glasses still haven't arrived. I probably won't be able to get out of work to go pick them up so I'm not sure when I will get them.

I also can't drive anywhere until the snow melts. I'm stressed about Friday because I won't be able to go to my appointment if the roads still have ice or snow on them. I don't want to have to reschedule but my dad has to work so he won't be able to take me. I'm hoping it won't snow any more so I don't even have to consider that. I need to stop worrying about things I have no control over but it's so hard.

I wish I felt hungry because I really need to eat but I will try to force feed myself in a little bit. I want to be able to enjoy my food instead of feeling like I'm choking. I have been trying to avoid buying food at work to save money. I found out recently that the hospital bought the restaurant that caters our food every day and I'm tired of paying for it. I don't want to give back the money that I earned. It seems like they own everything in this town now and they are very greedy. Profits are more important to them than anything else. I don't want to support them. I will spend $2 on breakfast but that's it. Luckily breakfast has been better. There was a period of time where they would keep reheating the scrambled eggs several days in a row and they smelled and tasted horrible. I only ate them because I was starving at the time and they didn't have anything else. If I buy lunch, it is usually over $8 and it's rarely good anymore. Other people have complained about it so I know it's not just me being a picky eater. I think they send us all of the old leftovers from the restaurant so they can save money. I know I should take my own lunch but I can barely make myself dinner at night as it is. It's cheaper to just skip lunch. I have been drinking boost a lot with my dinner to try to compensate for not eating lunch. I know that's not something I can do forever.

I've given up soda for now but that's because I made myself sick last week. I don't want it anymore. I have switched to sugar free energy drinks and they don't make me feel quite as bad. They have a ton of sodium though so I have been drinking so much water. I can't remember the last time I went an entire day without caffeine and that's sad. I have withdrawals if I don't have any.

I'm sorry for being so grumpy. I am having a bad mental health day but otherwise everything else was ok I guess. I am grateful that I had a peaceful morning where nothing bad happened and there was no one around to throw tantrums. I went in early because the eye coordinator texted me late on Friday night to tell me my ultrasonic washer was broken. I got there and I had no problems using it so I'm not sure what happened but I was relieved I didn't have to scramble to find a temporary replacement. They have one in the basement I could use but I didn't want to haul it upstairs because it's a pain when I have to do that. I also didn't have eye cases this afternoon and there aren't any scheduled for tomorrow afternoon either. I was able to dispatch earlier without too many issues and I wrapped 5 sets of total pans so I got a lot done. I think I lifted too much though because my back hurts and my leg is tingly. I got to leave on time and the department didn't look like a disaster zone so that made me feel good.

I am going to try really hard to be positive. I know I will make it because I always do somehow. I will do my best to put a smile on my face tomorrow even if sucks. I have been rambling for a long time so I'm sorry about that. I still have shit I need to do tonight unfortunately. I need to make some soup soon I think. I'm going to get ready for bed after that. I need to try to sleep more than 4 hours tonight.

Thank you all for listening to me even when I'm a moody mess. Hope you have a wonderful day tomorrow. 💖💖💖

#personal

[umbralsound-xiv]

Spilled Words.

I just wanted to get out of the compound, just for a few bells! I'm tired of healing people, tired of being yelled at, so i thought to at least do something useful and go look around where Adney had been found a few suns ago.

Q'kura angrily gestures to the floor with a dismissive wave, hand briefly raised to shove his glasses further onto his nose as they threatened to slip. "There's nothing! Nothing more here! They took the body, what else are we supposed to look for, hm? It's been two suns! Everything useful has either dried up or melted!" He regards Vex with a heaved sigh, gaze cut over his shoulder.

Vex lightly picked at her own claws, severely uninterested in actually looking for, well.. anything. Her crimson gaze lofts briefly to Q'kura, one brow slowly following the lift. "Welcome to the theme of the investigations." She uttered with feigned enthusiasm. Battered and bruised, Vex's spirit is unbroken despite the obvious beating she received in the more recent past, a solid bruise lining her jaw, especially.

Mahi'a hums something faintly melodic beneath their breath, watching the duo from a short distance. Other than sitting low amongst the rocky landscap, stealth didn't seem their priority - less so once they eventually picked themselves up to drop into the grass nearer the both of them, taking a curious look to the patch of ground that had been on the receiving end of the gestures. "Did it offend you somehow?"

"What?" Q'kura's nose wrinkles upon Mahi'a's approach, throwing another scathing glare into the floor. "No, no. We're… Investigating." His words came quickly, but they were chosen with no less care. "There's a murderer on the loose, and we're trying to catch her."

Great. People. Just what we need. That's fine, it's fine. I can't stand the curious types, it always ends with them just... Meddling, somehow. I don't have the patience for this!

Attention stolen by the sudden appearance of Mahi’a, Vex offers a slow blink at the familiar Keeper - the only recognition she truly offers being that of a faintly lowered ear. She cast a glance Q’kura’s way at his words, a short-lived mock-laugh of a sound leaving her.

"Investigating the ground," Mahi'a reasons with a small nod, making their way closer to view the offending grass for themselves. When they look back up it's with a small smile, as well as a -slightly- sceptical look towards Q'kura. "-You- are catching a murderer? Did they run out of Brass Blades?"

"They are busy." Q'kura remarks, off-handedly. "They are always busy. Whatever few forces they can provide can surely be helped by my own investigations." He sounded confident in his words, at least, as he paced around the grass. "But there is nothing left. Nothing i've seen, anyway."

"… Sure. And we have nothing better to do than to stare at the ground hoping a -clue- emerges out of thin air." Vex's tone is that of a complaint, and her gaze seems to remain on the Seeker at her side - making sure he knows it's him she's complaining to, or at.

"It doesn't sound as if your investigations are helping all that much," Mahi'a says solemnly. "Not for lack of trying, I'm sure. There may still be great revelations hidden amongst the grass, a little more staring could be the thing to draw them out!" They add the latter with a brighter smile towards Vex. "Maybe you should question locals? Ask them where they were at the time of the murder! Who was murdered, anyway?"

Oh, yeah, the locals! If they'd have known anything, we'd have known it by now. We know her description, that she's a Seeker with black and blue hair. L'kem said she moved quickly, and wasn't there for long. That she was an archer... Or at least, so he thought. Don't know what's rumour and not, considering all the muddle in the compound. Ugh, i'm not in the mood for idle conversation. And Vex is being tremendously helpful, as always.

"Well if you bothered to -help me-, Vex, this might be a little easier." Q'kura muttered back to the woman, before regarding Mahi'a once again with another small huff. "I was hoping for bloodstains. Footsteps. Something i could use. I prefer not to involve people unless i absolutely must." He raises his head, considering whether to respond. "A… Friend."

"...Rather not, -thanks-." She huffed back at Q'kura, tail swatting in the air a single time. Her eyes visibly roll at the Seeker's words, before her gaze settles atop Mahi'a - a little softer, than when it rested upon Q'kura. "-His- friend."

A curious look moves from Q'kura to Vex and back again, a small pause as Mahi'a watches the quiet interaction between them both. At least Vex provides some answer, and they dip their head to her while thinking. "A friend? Like, a coworker? Who would go around murdering investigators? That seems like a recipe for disaster," they go on. "Also, likely not the smartest decision to be out here if that -is- the case."

Q'kura shakes his head at Vex, sighing through his nose before regarding the Keeper again, pointedly not answering some of their questions. "And that's why she's with me. Silly to go alone." His eyes narrow behind his round-rimmed spectacles. "Why are -you- here?"

They don't seem like a blade. But something about them is suspicious, but i can't place it. They ask too many questions, and they aren't exactly dressing to be hidden.

While Q'kura doesn't respond to certain things.. Vex seems to have the intention to - as well as she can. "- Yes!" She speaks a little louder, as if trying to interrupt Q'kura's own question by speaking over him. "People with grudges, I'd imagine! But who knows if it's against a single person, or entire group." She almost hums her words, a little too joyfully, really. She's -definitely- trying to cause Q'kura some stress.

"A poor investigator and a bodyguard, I see. That does make a lot more sense." Mahi'a considers feigning confusion, instead their train of thought is thankfully interrupted by Vex, appearing almost equally as delighted by the grim topic. "Maybe! Maybe. Surely it must be just the one, what could a whole group have done to warrant this kind of violence?"

"There are some sadistic and vengeful people in the world. Some people don't have any reason. I don't know!" He cuts a glare back to Vex again, walking by her and half considering shoving her before he talks himself out of it. "And i just started looking! Hardly poor. Unless you judge people the instant you see them." He clears his throat, gazing to them again. "Ah, but you didn't answer my question. What are you doing here, Keeper?"

Vex met Q'kura's glare with a steely stare of her own, her weight shifting from one leg to the other as she placed a hand upon her hip and flashed a small yet toothy grin her fellow Seeker's way. "Oh, I'm sure they have their -reasons-..."

"I suppose so… What if they're some kind of vigilante? We might have this all backwards, the murderer isn't the bad guy after all. Well, that may depend on how you feel about law enforcement…" Mahi'a muses over the thought, watching Q'kura walk closer. "Is that relevant to the investigation? Or are you trying to get out of your work now?"

No, i didn't want to be here in the first place, but anything was better than either being yelled at by Eanwin, being punched by Vairg for looking at him funny, or tending to the injuries he's caused somewhere along the way. And the idea of being possibly sent to look after the mess he made of X'llaya... ...I'd rather not. I saw what was left of Hichort, and i'd rather not end up in the same grave.

"No, i'm wondering why you're here meddling, so close to where one of our fellows was murdered not all too long ago. Unless you -know something-, hm?" Q'kura quizzically tilts his head, a small swat of his tail at his heel. "-We- might have all this backwards, you say. It sounds like you're searching for them, too."

Vex lightly rocks on her feet, remaining quiet for the time being. She silently eyes Q'kura, then glances to Mahi'a.

"See, this seems like a proper investigation now," Mahi'a says brightly, regarding Q'kura's expression. "Better than staring at grass, anyway. I can't say I am searching for anyone myself, I wouldn't know where to start with an investigation. Especially if anything happened out here. Between weather, animals, who knows what else, how are you meant to find anything? Nobody sent you out here to get you out of the way while they do the real searching, did they?" For a moment they look almost sympathetic before shaking their head. "I saw you both over here and got curious, I hadn't realised it was so serious. I still have doubts about that, actually, but that's irrelevant!"

"Don't be stupid, of course not." Q'kura retorts, one ear flicking in displeasure at the assumption. "I came to see if something was there, it isn't, and so we'll be on our way soon enough. You should take your care, Keeper. It seems she's content on shooting down anyone who gets in her way…" As his voice trails, he gazes over to the rocks beside him, brow knitting.

"... Are you sure?" Vex snorted with amusement as she regarded Q'kura, flashing a knowing grin his way. They were, in fact, both on the shit-list of many. "In the way of -what-, I -wonder-." Vex slips her hands into her pockets, again rocking back and forth on her heels. "She certainly wants -something-, hm?"

Shut UP, Vex! Are you content on telling them absolutely everything? ...I knew it was a mistake to bring you along! Ugh, honestly...

Mahi'a hums, quite clearly doubtful over Q'kura's dismissal of their theory. "What -were- you looking for, then?" they ask curiously. "What if I see something suspicious, is there someone I should tell directly or are the Blades good enough?" They glance backwards at the thought, in the direction of the bridge and settlement beyond. Their gaze returns back shortly after, nodding as they look to Vex. "Now this sounds like investigating. What could they want, who will they kill to get it… The detective novels say you should get into the mind of the killer, you know."

"Well, i wouldn't know. We know she's a Seeker, and she seems to have some kind of penchant for ice magic. But we know nothing, nothing else." He finally turns to regard Vex, eyes narrowed. "You are -not- helping me. Need i let Vairg know about your unhelpfulness?"

"We can sit and make some guesses!" Vex beamed a disingenuine smile Q'kura's way. ".. And what is mister eight-finger gonna do? Sulk at me?"

Mahi'a nods slowly to vague and all too surprising description, clearly taking the time to memorise it. "Guesses might be the right route, that isn't a lot of information to go off at all! You may have better luck going around asking every Seeker you see how they feel about ice," they suggest before staring at Q'kura. "Are you threatening your colleague?"

"Shut up, Vex. I'm fairly certain he has unfinished business with D'khoreh, if you'd like me to remind him?" Q'kura snaps, brow lofted, before training his gaze on Mahi'a. "No such thing. I'm simply reminding her. What business is it of yours, Keeper?"

I like D'khoreh. I do. He's a little snivelly, and something of a doormat, but that suits me well enough. He works when he's told, and sometimes when he isn't. He means well, and that's gotten him into trouble. It's gotten -me- into trouble. It's fair to say he deserves whatever punishment they have in mind for him.

A small flicker of a flame dances across her right shoulder, out of view for Q'kura. Her expression remains the same, as if unphased by his words. "Plenty of people he has unfinished business with. Maybe he'll lose the rest of his fingers, too." She turned and took a few steps closer to Q'kura, leaning closer. "I heard -you- are on her list, with him." She then glances Mahi'a's way, and offers a subtle nod.

His response gains a frown in return. "A threatening reminder, then. I don't think people should be threatened for doing their job, I thought that was a reasonable thought everyone had!" Threats aside, their gaze follows Vex, eyebrows raising as she speaks. Subtly isn't their forte, and they soon appear fairly excited instead of concerned. "And you're out here even so? That is -brave-. Maybe I had you all wrong, here you are putting yourself out in the field while a murderer is after you! Even returning to a point of interest, these are tactics I would never have expected!"

"She… She wouldn't be out here." Q'kura swallows a little sharply, but no less confident for his words. Notably, he'd tied his hair in such a fashion the telltale mark wasn't all that obvious unless one were truly looking. "One can only hope. At least you don't have to clean up after his mess." Eyes narrowed, he speaks vaguely enough to Vex, but his distaste for the man is apparent all the same.

...She wouldn't be out here. She has to rest sometime, yes? Besides! You can't even see my mark behind my hair, unless she has some seriously excellent vision. ...She wouldn't be out here. She has no reason to suspect me! No reason at all!

“Maybe she’s watching you right now.” Vex smirked. “Blame yourself for that one, none but -you- put yourself in those shoes.”

"She could be," Mahi'a agrees, ominously. "Waiting for the perfect time to strike! That or she's going to follow you home to make sure that you're alone, it's an endless cycle of investigators getting murdered…" They trail off, having tuned in to the topic at hand with only a faint understanding of what they could be discussing.

"In which case, we're all equally in trouble if she's watching. What makes either of you think she'd spare you? What does she even want, anyway?" His last words are muttered, but his eyes don't quite land on either of them, much too predisposed with checking anywhere that might serve as a good lookout spot. "You're awfully comfortable with the idea. Both of you."

"Lurking in the shadows... Watching." Vex annoyingly wiggled her fingers Q'kura's way. "Oh, I have a guess!" She -beams-, full of feigned enthusiasm.

"I'd like to consider myself an optimist and go with the assumption that I won't be murdered today. It's worked every other day before now," Mahi'a explains happily. "And if it did happen, I'd be dead, no time to think about how I'd been so wrong!" They watch him with some entertainment. "There's probably no use looking around, I bet a good murderer would be impossible to spot if they were stalking you."

"She was spotted once. We know what she looks like." Q'kura replies in chiding manner, ear twitching in irritation, and he doesn't even look Vex's way before snapping at her again. "Shut up, Vex, i don't want to hear it!"

Vex, having no intention to do as told, rocks herself forwards anew, head tilting. "Maybe she doesn't like that thing on your face." A hand extends towards Q'kura, as she seeks to casually flick a finger against the frame of his glasses, seeking to force them askew upon his face. "Or maybe just doesn't like your face."

Mahi'a does their best to refrain from laughing while they watch Vex harass Q'kura, their smile as far as they let it go. "These are good guesses, you should keep them in mind," they acknowledge with as much feigned seriousness as they can manage. "We might not know for sure until you murders you specifically - maybe if she tries today we can ask her? Like a trap!"

"I am -not- going to be murdered!" He shoves Vex away with the flat of a hand, exasperated and worried even by the idea of it. "And even if she does just swoop down from the heavens and fill me with arrows, you two will join me! She didn't spare Dologadai, she won't spare you. We've lost several of our best healers now!" Colour; anger began to rise in Q'kura's cheeks. "Eanwin is going to run us all into the ground, especially if that bastard keeps carving people up the way he does!"

"I'm sure several of them thought the same!" Vex staggered back from the shove, keeping a grin on her lips. "Join you, huh? Amazing. Maybe we should lure her out - you can be the bait!" She beams. "Oh, quit your whining - you lost -two-." She scoffed.

"That's the spirit, optimism in the face of your demise!" Mahi'a encourages him. They clasp their hands together behind their back, gleefully watching Q'kura and his anger. "If we move juuuust out of sight she might take her chance, thinking he's alone… Though that might be a bit too cruel if you're one of the last healers around."

"Don't be ridiculous! You're not going anywhere without me, Vex!" His teeth bared with those words, gaze darting upwards again, before the glare lands on Mahi'a for a change. "One of the last competant ones! I have drank so much ether over the last few suns i swear i can taste it when i breathe, and for what? Putting people back together that should be dead to rights, or those who don't deserve it!" His voice rose in volume with his growing frustration…

I'm beginning to think it was a mistake in dragging that bloody Viera back with us! Sure, we have X'llaya now, but at what cost? The boss seems happier, and i'm in his good graces, but i'm lumbered with having to put him back together every time someone wants to break him, and Vairg seems to want that to be every other sun. And he's the fragile, flimsy sort! Ugh... If i wanted to babysit, i'd never have left the tribe. They should have just let him die in the arena when they had the chance!

".. Wanna bet?" Vex grinned. She rocked back and forth, huffing. "I'm sure there's a few broken bones for you to tend to when we get back! -If- you dare to go near -her-."

Mahi'a grins brightly once Q'kura's attention returns to them, no point hiding that they were enjoying themselves all along. "Victims of the murderer?" they ask curiously after his rant. "Has she really hurt so many of you? I'm surprised you aren't warier being out here!"

"You can't heal dead people, and she's not keen on leaving anyone alive. Besides, no one can be here forever, yes? If she attacks, i can and will defend myself, and i won't be so stupid like the rest and actually bother to use a linkpearl! And as for Eanwin, i'm hoping she's so tired she doesn't have the energy. Sod the lot of them, i'm going straight back to my bed when i'm home. I am -so tired- of healing broken bones!"

".. Nope. Not the killer." She cast Q'kura a glance. "But there's a mess your -favourite- Viera left behind. Sure she could use healing." Her hand raises, offering a small thumbs-up Q'kura's way. ".. So tired she doesn't have energy to yell at you? Are you delusional?"

Mahi'a tilts their head before nodding. "That's somewhat good news then, isn't it? And in a way, if they're all injured then they can't be out here getting murdered like your friend, it's a blessing in disguise!" they try and reassure, badly. "It doesn't sound as if you'll be able to go to bed so quickly…"

"Which Viera, Vex? I'm tired of both of them! I'm tired of cleaning up after him, and i'm tired of fixing the other one. I'm tired of both of them. If i never see another Viera again, it will be too soon." His ear gives another sharp flick. "No, but i can at least hope she'll yell quieter, or be unconscious." Another glance to Mahi'a, then. "And no. Likely not. People are already beginning to get reluctant to leave."

Vex peered to Mahi'a, lightly shaking her head. "Wrong kind of people getting hurt." She stated, before squinting at Q'kura. "The one who is two fingers short." Vex smiles, genuinely - a bit too happy about the fact. “So yell at you in the morning, instead. Got it.”

Mahi'a makes a face of distaste and nods. "You do have your work cut out for you. Why stay if it's so bad? Exhaustion on one side, murder on the other! Cut your losses and find a new job, one where you're not having nightmares about various viera."

"There's not usually so much murder." He doesn't elaborate further, however, not wishing to say more than he had. "Most likely yelled at in the morning, yes, unless Vairg lost his temper with her too. That's a sight i'd prefer to be far, far from…"

".. Plenty of other -horrible- shit, though." Vex exclaims, and turns to stare -directly- at Q'kura.

"Maybe that is why a murderer is after you and your friends…" Mahi'a 'determines', nodding a few times at the thought. "Oh, well! You might catch her if you stare at the grass enough, or she'll see that it's the perfect opportunity to murder you before you can even think of the possibility."

"There's horrible shit in every corner of the world, Vex." Regardless, he sighs. He'd have to return back sooner or later. "And she won't." Q'kura barks back at Mahi'a, grabbing at Vex's shoulder. "Come on. We're going home."

"And oh the -corners- we have back -home-." The last word left her more akin to a snarl, certainly not considering the compound her 'home'. An automatic hiss leaves her as Q'kura grabs her shoulder, flames briefly flickering across her frame before dying out. Her ears pin back.

Despite the previous smiles, Mahi'a's expression comes close to a scowl as Q'kura grabs Vex, especially considering her reaction. "What a shame your investigation has been cut short," they lament. "I do hope you avoid running into the mysterious ice Seeker on the way back, it would be a shame not to see you out here if someone else is killed instead."

"Not if she finds you first, -Keeper-." Q'kura bites back. Her flames do indeed run up to his hand… But harmlessly move away before they do any kind of damage. He continues to half-drag Vex away, intending to return.

"-- I can walk on my goddamn own." Vex hissed at Q'kura as he dragged her along, features now pulled into a frown instead.

Mahi'a waves a hand towards them both before folding their arms, watching both depart with a frown.

Something about that Keeper puts me ill at ease. I don't know why. Maybe i'm being paranoid. They were more prying, and found far too much humor in winding me up. ...Going back to the compound isn't all that much fun, but it's better than being out here in the firing line. Investigatory work is beneath me, anyway...

#[What We Want Most] #FFXIV #IC #Screenshot #Writing #Textlog

[kiindr]

Hi, so I saw that you said peeps can send in rants, and I realllllllllllly would love to rant. If you did not mean this, or do not want to reply - you can delete it. I will not be offended in the slightest! No trigger warnings, only family issues (and also please don't tire/burn yourself out with this blog. Even just listening/reading about others' issues is draining).

Backstory/context:

I'm a 24 year old female, recently diagnosed with autism. Not good socially, but not terrible. I'm kinda like Katniss Everdeen tbh.

I was working as a bartender at a wedding venue. The building is owned by a well-known wine creator/seller, who leases it to my aunty so she can do weddings there (so she owns 50% of the business, the other is with a friend/chef. They've known each other for 25 years).

I have just only been diagnosed with autism (I was diagnosed multiple times beforehand, so it's been a big few weeks). I have social anxiety and if things get too much, I usually have emotional reactions - but I've learned to walk away, go somewhere and cry for a bit, calm down, dry my tears and get back in there.

I've been working there for over a year now, and last week she fired me from my bartending job, saying I'm too emotional and that "I should be happy at work, because people can tell when I'm not."

It was done over text message by my manager who says I should go to the cafe to work (so they aren't 'firing' me per say, but they are ...) However, working at the cafe I would only be filling up waters, and getting drinks (what the other owner's 16-year-old daughter does.) They also won't let me work the one wedding this weekend. I'm just flabbergasted.

I had to message my aunty to see what was going on, because they'd been completely fine with me working this position for a year. I've put up with a lot from customers. Verbal abuse (being called c*nt, a stuck-up b*tch etc) all because I won't give them alcohol, as well as nearly being physically assaulted. So I've dealt with a lot of bullcrap.

But I've also done big weekends with 4 weddings, literally only 3 weeks ago and nothing was said then? I've never had any feedback. No one taught me (except my other aunty who was in this bartending position but she was drunk all the time. And she never got in trouble, like I'm talking stealing alcohol from the venue aka my aunty who owns the business, I'm also pretty sure she was stealing from the cash register and would take things - once a groom had cigars and before they even used them, she stole one???). So, what I'm trying to say, is I was a fantastic worker. In the whole year and a month I was there, I only had 6 days off total.

I was helpful to others, kept everything on track. So I can only deduce that business owner! aunty is upset with how I interacted with customers? But I asked my coworkers and they said I was fine??? That I was great until the customers started getting rude.

There's also been a new manage/supervisor, lets call him John. He's only a few years older than me, I previously worked with him for a small time when I was 18 at a hotel. He knows alcoholic! aunty because they've worked together for years at different hotels.

My stepdad and mum, who are very very supportive of me right now, think John has a bartender friend and his trying to get them into my job?

I just don't understand. I'm family, business owner! aunty has been an integral part in my life. She's been at big events and shown that she loves me. But right now it's like she hates me?

When I messaged her, it was basically, "you get too upset. I'm too worried that you will be emotional, you're overthinking this. The bar isn't right for you, it's been an ongoing concern and it's a business decision, not a personal one. I'm not texting anymore. Happy to talk face to face."

So I've said "okay when can we talk face to face" (even though I am sh*tting myself even at the thought. She's been described as a viper, and has started a family fight in the past; nearly having a punch on with my mum.)

AND SHE HASN'T REPLIED.

Sidenote: I don't want to work at the cafe because:

It's the principle of it; it's being demoted and it's embarrassing. But also the fact that no, I'm not too emotional. A workplace needs to be safe and keep their staff feeling safe (it's very unsafe - that's why there's such a high staff turn over.)

I don't want to work with alcoholic! aunty because she's done some really really traumatic things to me in the past (it was including a knife but I'm not going to go into that).

Anyyywwwaaayyyy, If you read all that. Thank you so much. I'm sorry it's so long. I hope you have a great day, a great month, a great life. You deserve it x

TW: family issues

hello, thank you for sending in your rant <3

wow, that really is a lot to go through. your reasons for not wishing to work at the cafe are totally valid. nothing is more important than your safety and providing such a basic need to one's employees is the most crucial responsibility of an employer.

it sounds like nobody is giving you any real and honest reasons as to why you're being technically fired. i can only imagine how frustrating that must feel.

from what you just told me, i can see how hard you have been working and how seriously you take your job. i hope that your aunt comes around and sees it. and even if she doesn't, i hope that you find a workplace that treats you well.

you deserve kindness, respect, and appreciation for your work. please take care <3

i'm sending you lots of support and comfort! please feel free to reach out again if you need to vent and you found this helpful :)

#rant #mental health #family issues #work stress #ask

[devitalise]

heyy it's charli anon :) i'm sorry i've been gone for so long life has just been so wild. i've been meaning to send smtn but honestly i haven't had time for music, but i miss our little talks so here i am <3

that boy's a liar pt 2 is so catchy, my first pinkpantheress song, i hope i'm making you proud. i rly like the instrumental of welcome to my island remix, but honestly i haven't had the proper time to really listen to it, next month maybe

the last of us has been so good i have so many thoughts i love it sm, i watch it with my mum and keep saying that was/wasn't in the game every 5 min it's great

i'm made a simblr and it's been really fun, but i think i'll stick with anon with you, i like the mystery of it all lol. your legacy has been so cute though, i sent the ask saying i can feel your fun through the posts bc it's so true!

oh and i'm thinking of getting one of those pretty glass candle warming lamps, if i can find one that ships to my country. idk if you're a candle type of person but this is very exciting for me

ok ok enough about me tell me everything, all the things you've liked and disliked recently, all the details. hope you have a wonderful day and i can't wait to hear from you <33

literally how i feel getting this ask! HIIIIIIIII i've missed our talks too so glad this is continuing in 2023 let me go under the cut so i can really get into it!

i can't believe boy's a liar pt 2 is your first pinkpantheress song.... i guess the only way is up from here. (not to say i dislike it i think it's cute but pinkpantheress has such a singular sound that i don't think always works with her collaborators!) i listened to charli's welcome to my island remix, too! i think it's very cute i love when she raps. fine.

i'm not watching tlou! not for any reason other than i'm not a zombie person. also i'm in my succession season 4 gear up right now like idk it's been a real struggle for shows to grab me i'm on charmed s4 right now but it's still a bit of an effort to watch.

omg thank you! welcome to simblr i hope your stay isn't traumatic. i didn't expect to be posting sims with any regularity at all, honestly, but i still prefer being hands off with the community at large and mostly engaging with my mutuals my tumblr time isn't what it once was.

i love candles! love a scent! you absolutely should!

i've been in such a limbo i feel but it's just because i had such a busy january i was doing something every weekend of the month which was incredible for seeing my friends and feeling like a person part of something, terrible for how tired i was! i'm actually going paintballing this weekend, which i'm really excited about

rebecca black's debut album literally just dropped, and i can't wait for kelela's album tomorrow i'm sooooo ready for it

#imo inquiries #anonymous #glad we're still doing this! i was thinking about you recently idk if you wanted to do a music wrapped corner #songs you've discovered. what's in your on repeat playlist. stuff on the horizon things like that

[the-charlie-ryan-saga]

Heyyy can you write me a story about sir Handel and Peter sam taking a nap?

Everything was very busy, especially for Stuart and Falcon, who has changed their name to Peter Sam and Sir Handel, at the Blue Mountain Quarry.

Work loads piled up, the work also became straining on their muscles, and mostly the two became very tired and stressed.

The two, despite having a brotherly bond, never actually had enough time to spend time with eachother, and they were feeling a tad sick for eachother, until one day that is.

After work one day, Peter Sam was feeling particularly tired. The work load became way too much for him, and only looked forward for a good night's rest. His muscles ached and his eyes sagged. He sat down on his bed, and sighed, burying his face into his hands. After a long silence, a knock on his door made him look up. Peter Sam groaned softly, and got up and walked towards the door.

When Peter Sam opened the door, he was surprised to see Sir Handel, looking just as messed up as the other.

"Do you need something, Sir Handel?" Peter Sam asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Erm..." Sir Handel blushed, the thing he wanted to do sounding stupid to him now, "I was only thinking, maybe we could spend time together? I mean ... We've been pretty busy recently, and I thought, maybe we could hang out?"

Peter Sam was surprised, his expression in slight disbelief. "...Are you being serious?"

Sir Handel nodded, fidgeting with his hands.

The other pondered a tad. Indeed it sounded nice, it really did, a nice break from everything was just what everyone needed, so he nodded, giving a soft smile.

"Well, come in! It would be nice to spend some time with you." He said, walking to the side, gesturing Sir Handel to come inside.

Sir Handel hesitated a bit, but then stepped forward, looking around Peter Sam's room. It was plain, strangely plain for such a bubbly and determined fellow.

"I'm sorry if I sounded rude," the other sighed, closing the door behind him, "I just feel tired and aren't thinking right..."

"Me too," Sir Handel giggled, sitting on Peter Sam's bed, "We're not the only ones."

"Yeah," Peter Sam nodded, sitting beside him.

The two were awkwardly quiet for a bit, both getting used to it so far. They haven't seen eachother for a while, let alone talked for a while, although they grew up together. It wasn't until Peter Sam looked over at the other and smiled, "So how are you doing so far?"

"Oh erm..." Sir Handel thought, "I've been good. I have some shoulder pain, but that's mainly from carrying tons of rubble back and forth. Other than that, been just fine. Yourself?"

"Oh ... Haven't been too great myself..." Peter Sam sighed, burying his face in his hands, "I've felt very alone and just ... My body hurts a lot. Just simply haven't been feeling well."

Sir Handel nodded, pondering a bit before gently putting a hand on the other's shoulder. "Well, we know it's just summer work, and after summer's over, bam! Back to our regular load."

"Oh I know that. It's just..." Peter Sam thought for a moment, brushing his fingers through his coffee brown hair before sighing, "I dunno..."

Sir Handel thought about what to do, and then had an idea and smirked. "I know something to lift your spirits. We used to do it all the time when we were younger."

Peter Sam looked up, raising an eyebrow, "Oh? What is it?"

Sir Handel stood up, reaching out a hand to help the other up, "Come on, I'll show you."

Peter Sam was skeptical, but gladly accepted the request. He got up, holding the other's hand, and let him lead him to whatever he was up to.

~~~~~~~~~

Soon enough, Peter Sam and Sir Handel were in the living room. There sat a record player, along with CDs from the 1980s through 1990s. "Sir Handel what are you up to?" Peter Sam kind of sounded annoyed, but curious.

"Just wait and see." Sir Handel said mischievously, and ran off to the record player and pulled out a CD he knew both him and the other would like. He put in the CD on the record player and it began to start playing. And soon, the melody began playing, a melody Peter Sam knew all too well, making him gasp.

"Oh my God! Is it?!" Peter Sam's entire mood perked up, bouncing a tad.

"Yep it is! I know it's your favorite, so how about you sing it with me?" Sir Handel grabbed Peter Sam's hand, pulling him beside him.

"Well, okay!"

The two erupted in giggling, and waited for the verse to start, and then Sir Handel started singing:

We're talking away

I don't know what I'm to say

I'll say it anyway

Today's another day to find you

Sir Handel broke song before calling out a come one, wanting Peter Sam to sing with him. Peter Sam laughed, struggling out an okay before he started singing:

Shying away

I'll becoming for your love, okay

The two then broke into unison, Sir Handel being the back up vocal, and then both started to dance:

Take on me, (take on me!)

How Sir Handel sang the back up vocal made him laugh hard, a laugh he hadn't laughed in so long.

Take me on, (take on me!)

I'll be gone!

In a day or two!

After the two were done, they were a laughing fit, so hard the didn't start the second part of the song. They felt like kids again, they didn't want the moment to stop. It was such a breath of fresh air for the two of them. When both calmed down, they tried singing the melody again, but failed as they continued laughing.

~~~~~~~~~

After the whole fiasco, Peter Sam and Sir Handel felt tired. They were in the living room, quietly listening to 80s music from their childhood, and drinking some tea before going to bed, talking and laughing just like they used to.

After they got done with another laughing fit, they calmed down, and Peter Sam yawned, stretching a bit. "Mm I don't know about you, Sir Handel ... But I'm tired..."

Sir Handel giggled, setting his glass down, "I am too, don't worry..."

He relaxed a bit, slumping, Peter Sam putting his head on Sir Handel's shoulder.

"I had fun tonight, Falcon..."

Sir Handel smiled, yawning, "I did too, Stuart, I did too..."

The two sat quietly, thinking a little bit, before Peter Sam relaxed, sighing, "Goodnight, Falcon..." Peter Sam gripped Sir Handel's hand, finally drifting off to sleep. Sir Handel took a while to respond, but he whispered a goodnight, Stuart to the other, and he relaxed as well, and drifted to sleep, happy to finally get the time to breath they needed.

#ttte #thomas and friends #ttte human au #ttte humanized #ttte ask #ttte peter sam #ttte stuart #ttte sir handel #ttte falcon #ttte writing #ttte narrow gauge

[pizaoisi]

vent?

this is my first time doing something like this..so this is the only website where my folks and people from school are not present.. i am writing this because i've seen people say that doing this kinda helps in lessening the burden? honestly i just need someone to whom i can talk...even just a little bit of comforting is fine so starting things i'm still in school and this year is really important for my academic career and i'm not trying to brag but i've always been one of them smarter kids in the class. for as long as i can remember my name was on the top 3 students of the class, things were smooth during this covid stuff too..i was doing just as good in the online classes and once everything went back to normal offline ones i was still doing fine, "fine" here meaning i was able to understand the topics well enough compared to majority of the class. so schools opened in my country like 2 years ago so the last grade i was in, i did pretty good academically. then this year started and as usual i was doing super good, i was understanding everything and i did well in the first few tests too, recently after the half yearly exams i started to feel really lazy? i just wanted to take the longest naps i could ever think of. so eventually i started to spend most of my time on my bed just sleeping and gradually i started to lose interest in like every thing i liked. i was good in academics but i was too tired and burnt out to even gather up any energy to open the textbooks or pick up the pen, i just felt so lifeless during that time when it first started..eventually tho, my grades and attendance started to drop. like a full 180 degree. i was confused at first as to why it was happening but as i said i was too burnt out to even care. growing up i never had any problem socializing with people but it was during now that i find it very difficult. i find it very hard and almost scary to maintain a proper conversation with someone i don't know that well, and it becomes worse when it comes to making eye contact. so days passed like this and i kept feeling heavier and heavier it was as if something was bottling up inside. i never told anyone about this, i'm scared that they'll either end up thinking i'm a creep or they'll cut off any contact with me. i've seen kids getting bullied in my school because other students thought that they were being very "edgy". but i only realized now how bad it actually feels, to be surrounded by soo many people but you still don't have you can open up to, talk about your problems and shit..everyone seems busy with their studies and here i am eating dinner with my family just wandering into space. from the past few weeks, well i am ashamed to say it but i've been having thoughts that it would be better if i kill myself, i wake up every day and just spend 30 minutes thinking that i should kill myself or not. i don't feel good enough anymore, i'm not confident like i used to be as a matter of fact i'm quite the opposite now. i'm at a point like right now where i'm not sure what is right or wrong anymore. i barely show up to school or any event now. i was good at drawing once but i'm slowly losing interest and touch in that too. i think i have ranted long enough but there was this one thing i wanted to talk about. i never really understood what breaking down actually was, that is until last wednesday. i was in my bed and suddenly started to feel my eyes become heavy, i tried to avoid the feeling of it but it kept getting more and more until i was unable to hold it anymore. within seconds i was just sobbing and crying like a 8 year old. i somehow managed to keep it low so that my parents wouldn't hear it but it was really scary how it just happened all of a sudden because i can't remember crying in something like 5 years and the way the tears just kept coming out of my eyes were scary. i would like to end this chattering now because it's about time my mum comes home. i just hope nobody i know find this and i do not aim for any negative comments as well.

#vent

[dylawas-reblogs]

So there are a lot of things I like about my job, and there are a lot of things that I don't. Obviously the main thing is it's part time in an outbound call center and I don't have option to go full-time (not that I would anyway, it's a freaking call center and I'm already going insane on just 30 hours), so that's definitely an issue, but on the inverse, requesting time off doesn't have to be 2 weeks in advance-- It only has to be 2 days. So naturally, Monday, I decided I was going to take today, Thursday, off for a mental health break. Request goes through without issue, everything should be fine and dandy until I survived to Thursday right?

And then of course, my internet service decided last second it was going to do all day maintenance, not Thursday, no, because that would be too cosmically convenient. Nope. They decided to do it Wednesday. And I got no notification, because the text that was sent to me Tuesday never came through. And of course, Tuesday night was the night I decided to splurge on myself and get Olive garden and a personal pie, and Wednesday morning I decided to get a coffee, right before my work shift, and right before I came home, clocked in, then watched as my internet subsequently failed immediately as I was logging in.

Did I mention I'm buying new tires? So yeah, it's not minus $700 like I initially planned for (no work Thursday + cost of tires), but minus $850, and an unexcused work absence on top of that.

So yeah. Another example of the universe watching me decide, for once, it's safe to splurge on myself, I've been good, I've been working hard, I've been saving well, and then going, "but what if we immediately incurred an unexpected cost/ income loss on you. Lol." The frequency at which this happens is uncomfortably consistent. I get a raise, I have to start paying a food bill. I buy some figurines for my collection, I dent my bumper and break my tail light. I graduate college debt/ loan free, I have to pay more than half my income in rent, thus subsequently needing to take on more work hours. My sperm donor goes on vacation in a different hemisphere for a week and a half, and before I can even think about taking a mini vacation myself without him breathing down my neck, my older sibling gets covid, thus quarantining me at home as well due to being exposed to him.

At the very least, I can be thankful I didn't buy the tablet I was thinking of buying for on-the-go digital drawing. Then I would have been down over $1,000. All in just one week-- not even that, over 3-ish days.

That being said, I haven't taken time off for myself in God knows how long, and despite the unfortunate nature of having to call out yesterday, thus, putting a mark on my attendance record that I tried to avoid by getting time off approved Thursday anyway, it's sort of been giving me an opportunity to think, when I've been too busy or exhausted to do so recently. The thinking is only just now starting, but I'm starting to for once actually ponder objectively what I'm doing with my time and energy, and where I want my life to go from here.

Do I really need to stay in this job until I find full-time work? Do I not have enough cushion in savings to take a break despite my sperm donor imposing unnecessary rent that's half my monthly income on me (and me wanting to maintain enough savings that I never have to come back here once I do leave)? Is my constant fear of everything going wrong the moment I don't have a job founded? Is karma real? Is it real enough that I'm going to get into a serious accident the day after I turn in my 2 weeks (because with my luck, I genuinely feel like that's what's going to happen)? Will quitting my job really give me the time and space I need to improve my portfolio? Am I psyching myself up over nothing because my hatred of my father outweighs my common and objective sense? Is my father going to increase rent out of spite like I fear if I quit, because he somehow thinks punishing me is going to encourage me to work harder on finding a job as if my current lack of interviews is somehow my fault (never mind the job economy as a whole is garbage at the moment, and my particular industry is notoriously difficult to get into)? Is any potential spite or punishment from him worth it anyway? Am I the only one holding myself back (outside of financial issues, which generally is 100% traceable back to my father)? Do I keep the job even though it's only 30 hours a week, $15 an hour, and try to move out anyway?

Realistically, because I live in America, none of those above things can really happen before I gain full ownership of my car from him anyway, but with the new tires being put on as we speak, I'm going to be able to have that conversation soon. He's that kind of abuser where timing is everything in conversations. And once that car is officially in my name and not his, maybe everything else will fall into place. I just have to hope he's not going to be weird about it, but of course I know he will be, regardless of how carefully I plan on my wording and timing in approaching him, never mind the fact that I'm paying for everything on it now anyway.

I'm not sure where I'm going with this post. Sort of just following my train of thought on whatever track it goes, probably on account of the coffee. But I definitely need to take some time to just sit around and seriously think about my next steps, because I've just had my wheels spinning in mud for the past 6 months and my damn engine's about to combust. What do I need to do to make my life easier and restore some of my sanity, without putting my safety and future in jeopardy? What steps do I need to take that I haven't thought of in order to completely and safely separate from my father so I can move out without letting him know where I live or who I'm living with? How do I accomplish that without putting my younger sibling at risk since we're so close, and my dad will know that he undoubtedly knows something about my sudden disappearance?

Nothing can ever just be easy, can it? I know others have left undesirable home situations living on less or nothing, but I can't imagine leaving this place without at the very least full time work that offers health insurance. Maybe my standards are too high for myself, maybe I just have some kind of anxiety brain rot that keeps finding excuses for me to not go anywhere or do anything. I want so badly to be rid of him, It's not some brand of familial Stockholm syndrome. It's more along the lines of "if everything isn't perfect in my departure, then it will all go wrong and I'll end up back here anyway, and things will be worse."

Whatever the answer is to anything I've pondered about in this post, I think It's safe to say the current circumstances are killing me, If not physically, then definitely mentally, and emotionally I'm bleeding out.

#dylawa rambles #dylawa rants #dylawa vents #why did I type this whole thing on mobile. Am I okay. obviously the answer is no #and in case the read more doesn't work #long post

[resmarted]

one of the perks of this work is meeting people with interesting stories and personalities and learning about these fascinating love stories. so many women who have been scorned by previous men in their lives meet one that changes the game and make them believe in love again.

can't stop thinking of one older woman recently who was so sweet and said i don't know if this is tmi but when we're intimate together i've never felt more beautiful in my life than when i'm with him. i felt so happy for her and wanted to cry.

one woman was a writer in her 70's living in an apartment she bought in nyc like a single sex and the city character and had this tumultuous relationship with a guy who chose a woman with money over her when they were in their 50's who "castrated him" according to her. now as the wife is dying or maybe passed, he is still in love with her. she said she isn't interested and likes her independence and besides, he is a catch for new york bc all these younger women want an older man with money, but he still calls her and wants to be with her again. it was a really intriguing reminder that life doesn't end for several decades longer than you think and people evolve and change so much over time. i told her he has really been learning some big lessons over the last couple of decades and was going to do everything he could to convince her to go back with him so they could live out the rest of their lives together in the country. i think about her all the time.

this is also very exhaustive work. it involves talking nonstop for hours on end and does a number on your voice. it is a performance on it's own, albeit sincere in nature, at least for me. i can't pretend one way or the other and imagine people who do must be so much more tired from their own performances faking it the whole time.

as much as i am not interested in doing this for the rest of my life, i do like a lot of aspects to it. specifically these older women who find hope in love again and being able to see the way men truly do change for the better.

i just don't know that i have the stamina to keep this going forever and am mostly just in it because it's considered the family business at this point.

i am considered very good at what i do but feel like a fraud in the sense that i was born into this and sort of just tumbled into doing it as a last ditch effort for employment. other people who enter this business spend a lot of their time and energy to build up their skills and respond to their own calling for this work. my mom had a very specific calling to do this whereas i tend to treat it like flipping burgers at a drive-thru. it can often feel like grunt work and nothing more than a day job.

that being said, i still don't know what my Calling is. i can never truly care about any one specific thing for long enough. i like to hold babies and make people laugh and sing sad little songs but i wouldn't say any of it is my One True Passion.

it's also hard to take the things you like and turn them into work. once they become commercialized efforts the weight of participating in it can feel very different.

i am scared all the time and never know what direction my life is going or if i even have a clear path of my own. life is very frightening in a myriad of ways and this world is so hell bent on making us lick boots for small fractions of the cost of living. i hate it and want to fight it but am also very tired and undereducated. i once felt i could inspire the masses to revolt but lately i want to hide in a cave and remain unseen for the rest of my days.

it will probably all be fine.

anyway. love you bye

[dearcosmosis]

I'm at a point where I've decided to stop talking about my mother with friends and anyone (so lonely and about to burst) because after years of conversations (for some).

Recently I'm so frustrated with a friend I knew more than half my life. She accused me of not wanting to move on but I contacted her to talk about solutions not whys and all she talked about were the whys and how she has told me to move out all the years and oh I'm finally tired of living life under control of my mother, and simply giving a half asked solution like simply declare my motives to the mum and be "nonchalant" about it (which was never a choice because she is the type that I can gray rock and still she comes up to me and stirs the shit out of me). It is absolutely fine for her to say no, I'm busy with child rearing or I'm totally sick of your nonsense instead of oh what do you need I'm here despite my busy schedule vibe. It's like when I tried to commit suicide by hanging which ended up me still alive, but you told me to look at the rope and face the devil anyway.

And then another guy who was patient to listen to my problems. Except he can't read the atmosphere. For example, if today I told you my mum is dead, I believed that you won't make a joke about the situation dealing with death and funeral. So it's really unkind to blame it on the lack of tone in messages or say its a INTJ personality issue which isn't, it's really just how much you care about me as a person. It's also very convenient to say that "I hope you know I didn't mean anything bad" but not everything can be made a joke because you feel like the mood. I feel like my wound is opened and not only did you put salt on it but also rub it intensely.

Thank you all for your accompany all these years. But I don't trust anyone to just listen anymore. I have live my life for more than 3 decades and people think I can change with a snap of finger? Maybe it was just a surface talking all the while. It doesn't make sense to ask for solace from people who's never been there. Or tell people of any next plans. All we want is to feel good. Let's just keep up with the facades.

[anarchyincarnate]

this is a sagau ask. But us trying to send them signals that we wanna have seggs with them but they're to happy that were paying attention to them to notice. So we got so frustrated we just yelled cant you tell i wanna fuck you!!!!!!

Oh god, this has Ayato written all over it, I'm sorry-

A/N: sorry if it's not to your liking- this turned into more of teaching Ayato about sex lmao-

C/W; Virgin!Ayato, fingering, anal, Semi public sex [Yahiro comission office], Ooc!Ayato [?], sub! characters, praise kink. mentions of creator having long hair.

It's canon that Ayato has so much on his plate since he took over his father's position after his passing, so I doubt he had a lot of time for himself, and to even entertain the idea of sex.

AMAB! Reader

Pronouns: He/They

Spoilers for Irodori Festival!

Fic under the cut!

Ah, the Yashiro Commissioner.

A man of prestige and smooth talk that have swoon many. Like everyone in Inazuma, he has worshipped the Creator of all throughout his childhood to adulthood.

He fantasized about meeting them since he was a young boy, his father often indulge him in stories of Creator. When Ayaka didn't come home from her duties, he became worried sick.

She returned a few days later [because time dilation]. He asked her where she had been, and she responded with, "I was quite busy with the traveler, Mondstadt's Grand master and a young water swordsman. We fought many enemies, tho we did hear some mumbled curses when we were fighting the Nobushi, as traveler called them."

Ayato sighed in relief, he has heard tales of people going missing, only to return a few days or even months later stronger than before. An old inazuman poet described it as a wonderful experience, getting to partake in travel freely, seeing magnificent views, and so much more.

And he believed Ayaka was chosen as a Vessel for them to use. He watched the night sky with her once, stars light up the dull area. He witnessed many shooting stars that very night, ranging in color from blue to purple and even gold. It was that night that Ayaka felt warmth unlike any other.

When he caught wind of Creator appearing in Inazuma in person, in time for the Irodori Festival, he was estatic. He quickly finished his duties, and head towards the plaza. He saw the Traveler accompanying a young man. His face obscured slightly by a large umbrella, Ayato noticing their long hair tied into a ponytail. Gold and silver moon shaped hair pins secured it in place. They wore traditional Inazuman attire, their eyes highlighted with red eyeshadow.

He cleared his throat and made his way towards the four chatting.

"Ah, lady Yae did mention that there would be some reliable helpers coming to assist with the festivities. It appears she meant you two."

"At last, we meet again Traveler and Paimon. Tell me, how are you faring recently?"

"Oh my, it appears that you two would be busy with the festivities. It seems that you cannot accompany me this afternoon. Such a shame." They mumbled.

Traveler looked over to him, "Ah, Creator-sama, I assure you we can accompany you for today. I can easily get it all done, then we enjoy the festival together!" He chirped.

They smiled, "Nonsense. I've told you before that you shouldn't bite more than you can chew at a time. I don't want you to get too tired."

Aether shook his head fast, "No, No! It's fine! I can handle it-"

"How about I join you today?" Ayato piped up from behind them. "That's certainly ideal, however-"

"Great! Shall we go now?"

Their eyes widened slightly. They chuckled, "Why not? Let's go."

And with that, Ayato and Creator walked away from the three. The pair walked side by side, with Creator humming a soft tune. Ayato took mental notes of Creator's appearance, Their beautiful long hair, the details on their Kimono, Their nails, everything about them looks curated and perfect.

"Don't you have other things to worry about? like I've heard, This festival requires the management from the Tri commission. It would unfortunate if the minor things aren't checked first." Creators voice pulled him from his daydreaming.

"Ah, don't worry about it, Your honor. I've got it all under control." Ayato assured them.

"If you insist..."

----------------------------------------------------------

"A-Ah, Creator... This... Feels odd.." Ayato cooed from Infront of them. Noticing that their fingertips was caressing his chest. Their left hand situated on his stomach, while their face was buried on Ayato's shoulder. He was finishing the documents needed, and Creator offered to help. He felt their hand lowered down to his crotch.

"Your honor- what are you doing?" Ayato asked, the quill on his hand stopped writing.

They hummed into his shoulder. "After watching your Story quest through Travelers eyes, I cant help but feel sorry for your living conditions. Your duties from childhood took a toll on your relationship and social skills didn't it?, How I wish we could've met sooner, that way I could've helped you get through life much easier."

"You haven't had a steady relationship, no? Too consumed by your job to even entertain the idea of romance..." They mumbled, leaving kisses onto his shoulder. Ayato blushed at the implications. Sure, he've read a few romance novels, and even some erotica from time to time, but when it comes to actually doing it, he has no experience whatsoever.

"Tell me, do you want me to show you the beauty of reproducing?"

He dropped his quill. Creator looked up to see the tips of his ears are red. "I- I wouldn't mind.. if it's you..."

----------------------------------------------------------

"C-Creator! Your fingers are- it feels weird-!" He gasped out, his hands wrapped around Creator's shoulders. He turned his head back to see their fingers moving in a scissoring motion inside him.

"I know it does, this is called fingering. This helps loosen up your ass, so that it can accommodate my cock." They said, Ayato couldn't believe they can say this without shame.

They can't exactly break him so fast, this is his first time after all...

They moved their fingers deeper inside him, seemingly looking for a spot inside him that can make him see stars. After a bit if prodding, they found it making Ayato moan loudly. They felt a sticky liquid being pooled onto their bottom half. They looked down to see Ayato had came.

They sighed softly, and slowly removed their fingers from inside him.

"W-Wait!"

"hmm?"

"Can, Can we do that again?"

Creator nodded, securing him onto their lap, his ass rubbed against their dick. Ayato's legs wrapped themselves around their waist. They took a breath and slowly pushed in. "See this dear? This is called sex. A key part of reproduction. I'm sure you know the basics, yes?"

"I-I do, Your honor.. it's j-just that I've only seen it applied between a man and a woman. Thi-This feeling is very different and foreign.. I like it a lot- augh-!" The air got knocked out of his lungs when he felt them deeper inside him. "Good to know, dear..."

They began to lift his hips up and down their dick, relishing the lewd sounds and skin slapping against one another. "I've always wanted to fuck you, Ayato.. teach you all the ways to please me.. now this dreams a reality... Im so happy,"

Ayato's heart fluttered at their words, tho dirty by nature, he couldn't help but agree with him. He always wanted to experience a kind of skinship with them for a long time. He felt as if he wasn't good enough to even get a glance at them yet here he is, his virginity getting taken by the holiest and most powerful person in Teyvat.

"Ne, A~ya~To. Can we buy books together later?"

Right, he nearly forgot about the festival.

"O-Of course-! We CAN-!~"

"Thank you~ for now, let's enjoy ourselves, ok~?"

#genshin sagau #genshin impact cult au #sub genshin #sagau smut #sub ayato

[sunball]

WHAT IS GOING ON IN YOUR PERSON'S LIFE RIGHT NOW + A MESSAGE FROM THEM

𖦹 this reading includes what is going on in your person’s life right now, what they (or their higher self) want to say to you at this moment and songs they'd like to give you. this reading is more about your future spouse or your future partner, someone who you may not be in contact with but you're curious about what they're doing.

𖦹 so there will be two paragraphs for each pile (what your person is doing and what they want to say to you). you can choose more than one pile. ex: pile 1 for what your person is doing and pile 2 for the message.

𖦹 how does this work? close your eyes and take deep breaths, pick the pile you are most drawn to. If you aren’t drawn to any pile then that’s okay, these messages aren’t for you.

𖦹 take what resonates.

THE PILES

PILE 01

now playing:

now playing:

pile 01's songs

THEIR LIFE

hello pile 01, welcome to your reading. I'm getting a lot of fire energy here, especially leo. I'm hearing Leo in 1st and 10th house, aries in 8th house, aries mars, mars in 10th house and also Venus in 2nd and 3rd house. I'm also getting gemini and capricorn. capricorn mars, aquarius venus. If these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's placements. or perhaps, those are their transits. I feel a lot of confident energy from your person, I think they are at a good place right now. Your person has been betrayed and heartbroken quite recently but I feel like they're not trying to let that get to them. they're keeping their head high, focusing on their goals and working really hard. the pain motivated them to work hard, maybe as a way to get revenge? In their head, they may think that if they work hard, they can show off their success to the person that broke them like "hey, look at me now!". for some others, it's possible that they're working really hard because the work distracts them from the pain and the situation. they're acting like the pain isn't affecting them, I'm seeing them just laughing and hanging out with a group of people (their friends?) acting like theyre not dealing with any problems. your person is definitely at a period of time where work is only on their mind, they're hungry for success. success is the only thing your person is heading towards, it's the only direction they see. love isn't on your person's mind at all so I doubt that you've crossed their mind. but little do they know, the direction that they're heading towards will also lead them to you. your person may have travelled somewhere recently or maybe they're thinking of travelling somewhere else. there is change on the horizon for your person, maybe they will be promoted soon or moving countries, going to university, etc. they are so ambitious. I'm seeing piles of paper on desks, papers stuck on walls with dates and notes on them and also quotes. motivational quotes perhaps. your person is also working out, they could be getting up quite early. 6 am? I'm getting mad mars in 6th house vibes from your person. they're feeling burnt out, they have so much on their plate but they're not stopping anytime soon because they like it and also because they have no choice. they're also taking many responsibilities, I'm hearing house chores, work and looking after their parents or siblings. your person could be a student, a business person or they could work in an office. they're organizing their workspace and keeping track of their schedule, getting ready for the next chapter of their life. laziness is not in your person's vocabulary!

THEIR MESSAGE

you know, I am so busy right now. I'm too exhausted to even think about love, to think about you. I don't think about it anymore unlike before. I know at times you feel like we're nowhere close and you doubt my existence because of how distant I feel and I'm sorry. It is partially true, we're nowhere close to eachother and we're both individual human beings. let's live in the present and experience things and meet new people without having to think about eachother. I don't feel right about thinking of the future and just hoping for something to happen, hoping to just end up with someone like you. It doesn't feel right. I need to do something, I need to take action. that's exactly what I'm doing now. It gives me a sense of stability knowing that I'm taking action and there's a high possibility of my dreams coming true. I've promised myself that I won't stop working until I've achieved everything. I can't do all of this by myself, I need your help too. I'm asking you a favour, do your part. I'm doing mine. work hard and don't slack off. I'm sorry again for sounding cold, I'm not like this on a daily basis. I'm just really tired. I need to get my point across. don't slack off. please. I'll keep saying that. oh, that reminds me. at times I will definitely sound like a teacher or a boss, it's just a habit I got from work. It's not my intention to make you feel stupid, I know you're smart. I wanted you to know that because I don't want you to think I'm generally a cold person. I'm not. when tarot readers or psychics or astrologers or whoever says that I'm cold, they only mean when I'm at work or when I'm busy or serious. I would never be like that to someone I love, especially you. truthfully speaking, you don't know much about me at all especially if you think I'm a cold person. that thought you have of me stops now. I'm guessing that you're curious about me now. I like to look neat and clean, I don't like bright colours, they look unprofessional. I hang out with my friends sometimes and we just have lunch at a café or a local restaurant. I'm on my computer a lot so my back always hurts but I'm doing exercises to help me with it. I have too many cookbooks that I don't use because I don’t have much time, I end up freestyling my food and cooking up some eggs. I need to get better at managing time. I don't like people that don't practice what they preach, it irritates me. now for my appearance. this, in no way is useful information that will help us in any way but I suppose I'll just tell you. I have a sharp nose, it's pointy and a little wide. I don't have any piercings. I don't have bangs. as for my eyes, they're brown and deep-set. my lips? they're just lips. you'll love them anyway so it doesn't matter. my hair? neat and brown. you'll love it too. that's enough. you can stop trying to get to know me now, leave that for when we meet. you can know me more yourself when the time comes, I like the process of getting to know someone and the effort someone puts into getting to know me. until then, keep working hard.

PILE 02

now playing:

pile 02's songs

THEIR LIFE

I’m getting cancer energy from the pile, also pisces and gemini and libra. I’m hearing cancer/pisces/ libra venus, venus in 5th/7th/12th house, pisces moon, mercury in 7th house, cancer in 2nd house, gemini rising. if these aren’t your placements then they’re most likely your person’s, if not then these may be their transits. right now I feel like your person is trying something new, especially a hobby. I’m getting ‘painting’ for some of you. for others, your person has started something new like a project or they moved to a new house, something like that. there’s this feeling of ‘newness’ in your person’s life right now. they have so much passion for whatever this ‘newness’ is. they’re excited for this change, they can’t wait to move to the next stage. I’m feeling a positive energy coming from your person. their creativity is flowing through their blood, they feel inspired and joyous. some of you may not like to hear this but your person may have gotten in a relationship with someone or they want to get into a relationship with someone. they have a crush. I feel like there’s still an important choice to be made and your person has waited such a long time for the next stage, the relationship stage. I feel like their crush or their partner isn’t showing them that much attention, it feels quite one sided (your person giving more), they’re doing so much for their crush/partner but I feel like your person isn’t seeing it right, they’re just so blinded. like a little kid when they have a crush. If you don’t like what you’re hearing, don’t worry, they’re your person for a reason. anyways for others of you, I’m seeing your person listening to music while they’re doing their new hobby. painting is coming really strong, I’m seeing an easel. If it’s not a hobby then your person is feeling in love, whether it be a person or something else. their head is in the clouds, they’re listening to love songs, feeling so inspired by everything around them. love and venus themes is really important in your person’s life right now. If you’ve been listening to love songs recently or if you just feel all lovey-dovey, it’s most likely because of your person, you’re connected to your person. or if you feel inspired out of nowhere, it’s probably because of your person too. I just felt like I had to let you know that. sooner or later though, your person will realise that the relationship is one sided and they will give up on it. this will hit your person really hard, it will be a hard lesson for them. perhaps even the last lesson because I feel like your person has always done too much for people that don’t deserve their love. your person has experienced a lot and learnt many lessons except for this, when they learn this though, they will have learnt all the lessons. they can tick this off their box. I’m getting such wise Pisces vibes from them. for lots of you, your person is already in the 'realisation' stage and there's about to be a change in their life.

THEIR MESSAGE

It’s been challenging these days, maybe even these past few weeks and maybe even months too. It’s fine though, I can get through it. you don’t have to worry about me. I have a gut feeling that something is going to happen soon, disappointments? I’m not surprised, I’ve been so stuck in my own head. I don’t know why I keep giving people more. so stupid of me. maybe it’s not my fault? maybe it’s their fault for giving less, who knows. I don’t know how to stop. why do I do this? I keep getting disappointed over and over again, I’m starting to not have hope anymore. despite this, I still think love is beautiful. with the right person. love is not only limited to romantic love though, which is what I’ve learnt recently. I’ve been so fixated on romantic relationships that I’ve forgotten about the beautiful things around me. surprisingly, there’s love everywhere. do you know what I love? I love the stars, I love flat white coffee, I love the smell of fresh grass, I love nature and the sun, I love dogs (especially small dogs) and I love experiences. experiences that shape me into a better person, painful or not, I love those. not to sound masochistic – but I love pain. I learn from pain. love has always been painful for me but I’m still giving people my all, wrong people to be precise. Is that why I keep falling for people that don’t care about me? because I love getting hurt? now that I’ve thought of it, it sounds terrible. I need to fix that. I feel embarrassed now that you know this, please don’t shake your head. I will fix it. I want this cycle to end. don’t be worried about me. you should continue living your life, there’s yet so much you can experience. places to go, new people to meet, new activities to do. so much. I’d love to experience so many things with you. do you like road trips? I’d love to go on a picnic date too, does stargazing sound good? we could travel around the world, that’s on my bucket list. so many ideas but there’s still so much distance and time between us. I feel excited thinking about it, I want to do so much right now and experience so many things. by the time we meet, I might already have a long white beard because I’ll be so wise *laughs*. who knows, white hair does look awesome. I think it might suit me actually. on a serious note, I want you to know that you should not be afraid to try new things. don't be afraid of change. regret is scarier than change, staying in the same place and not growing is scarier than change. you may lose something good but what if you gain something even better? I’ll be there for you every step of the way, I’m always there for you even though I’m not there with you physically. do you feel me? I’m so proud of you. If you see an opportunity, take it or you’ll regret it later. don’t be afraid of saying no or saying yes, you deserve to be heard, assert your dominance *laughs*. I love you, take care of yourself. you can do it. [:

PILE 03

now playing:

pile 03's songs

THEIR LIFE

I'm getting mutable and fixed energy here, especially scorpio, virgo, leo, sagittarius. maybe scorpio rising and sagittarius rising with pluto in 1st house. I'm hearing saturn in 8th house, saturn in 22°, scorpio sun or moon aspecting saturn, pluto and sun or moon sitting in the same house. if these aren't your placements then they're most likely your person's. these could be their transits too. your person is going through a transformation, something had recently happened in their life that has caused this transformation. I'm thinking it's death, a death of a loved one like a family member, a friend or a pet. someone close to them. If it's not a death of a loved one then it's a death of a cycle, a death of a job, a relationship, something like that. something that came to an end. it's affecting your person badly and they feel so much guilt. they're missing and mourning over whatever this is. they're pessimistic, they feel like the whole world is against them and that their would turned upside down. they have no hope anymore, they're not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm seeing that image of Yuu Otasaka from the anime Charlotte. I think your person is exactly like that right now. depressed. I see tissues, dark rooms and hoodies and blankets. also gaming for a number of you (interesting how the picture you chose is a picture of keys). they're going through it right now and they need support. your person is not communicating with many people or interacting with anyone at all, they're pushing people away. looking at the picture of the pile you chose, I realised it says "wish you were here". now this could mean that they wish that the person they lost were still with them or they wish that someone could come and support them or comfort them, or for a few amount of you, this could be meaning you. they wish you were there with them. however, I don't think love is a thought that comes in their mind in this period of time. it's more like, they're screaming into a void wishing someone could hear them, not directly meaning you. for others of you, I'm getting a different situation. your person may have gotten fired or they tried something but it didn't work out and they had so much hope for it. they badly wanted it to work out and now your person is feeling disappointed in themselves, like someone just ripped away something really valuable to them. your person doesn't know that the reason this, whatever this is, didn't work out is because it wasn't meant to. It's not part of their divine plan. It honestly saved your person from future problems but they don't know that. It's a blessing in disguise. I'm strongly feeling it's something related to their job or maybe love, 'right place, wrong time' is what I'm hearing. your person is blaming themselves for it all, thinking it was because of time, lack of planning or they didn't try hard enough. It isn't true, they should be easy on themselves.

THEIR MESSAGE

I don't know what to say. I don't feel like saying much. why do you want to know anyway? do you care? am I interesting? I'm not all that special, you know. here I go again, making sh*t sad. I'll try and make this light-hearted as possible because you shouldn't see this side of me, not so soon. not like this. *silence* I'll start off by saying that you can't control whatever life throws at you. but you can control your reactions and how you deal with it. I'm not doing very well, not dealing with it the way I usually do. It hit me hard and I don't like being sad like this and not doing anything, not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to talk to anyone, not finding joy in the things I love doing. I hate this f*cking feeling and the way I'm dealing with it. I heard that you should let yourself feel everything once in a while. I'm f*cking feeling everything alright. why did I not let myself feel before? now it's all consuming me. all of my problems and emotions, this darkness inside of me, erupting. I regret this. I regret acting like I was fine before, finding distractions. now I know that being distracted doesn't necessarily mean that it's gone, the problem is still there. don't do what I did. let yourself feel. or it will all build up and eat you alive. you don't want that. I don't want that. I don't want you to be sad, god no. definitely not like this. but if being sad will help you then that's certainly fine by me, just don't act like you're fine. that will hurt me much more. just do what I say. showing emotions is not a sign of weakness. look at me, I'm so f*cked up because of not thinking that. this feeling will go away, right? right. If you need to let it all out, do it. I can feel your sadness, the nights you cried, I felt them. those tears of yours, I want to wipe them away but I'm not there. it sucks. I need you here. I need a good f*cking hug right now. I want you to be happy but I don't know how. I'd do anything to see that smile of yours. that precious smile that I have yet to see. I know it's precious. listen to me. I need you. I need you to stay strong. you're so strong and much more emotionally intelligent than I am. I am so in awe. your strength gives me energy, you give me energy. you're the light of my life. I hope our kids will be as beautiful and as amazing as you. I'm glad I was given the chance to talk to you like this. I love you, sunshine.

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