#everything has changed part 3
have a nice Sunday everyone 💋
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“All men have something in their lives that gives them pleasure:
With me the love of beauty is my constant joy.
I could not change this, even if my body were dismembered;
For how could dismemberment ever hurt my mind?”
— Excerpt from the poem Li Sao by Qu Yuan from The Songs of the South: An Anthology of Ancient Chinese Poems by Qu Yuan and Other Poets
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So my supervisor called the lunches my coworkers take "CAP 2 lunches", and at first I thought he meant ridiculously long lunches bc a lot of them come back late, but he just meant lunches where everyone comes back stoned lmao. And he's right, smelled weed on at least 3 of them after they got back. This is pretty unique to our shift tbh, no other group has as many teenagers and 20-something stoners who don't give a shit about their jobs as ours does, so it is actually quite a fitting name for it.
One summer (‘19), I was volunteering as an Orientation leader.
We were playing a bonding exercise where you pop balloons and answer a question. Of course my philosophical ass got a really deep question. I was asked, by a random balloon, something along the lines of:
“In one sentence. Explain the key to being happy.”
I responded vaguely, entirely unprepared to answer such a colossal question...in just one sentence... how can I put it into one sentence?
Happiness, for me, is more of a set of rules. Am entire watching of life than simply a stare of being. It’s mental/emotional/spiritual structures I’ve created — and been taught — developed and sustained over the last couple decades of my life.
Here Are Some Rules I Follow For Happiness:
*please, feel free to add to this if you have anything*
1) treat yourself the way you want others to treat you. Treat others the way you want to be treated.
2) if you don’t have anything constructive to say don’t say it.
3) be curious, but don’t ever do something just to say you did it. There’s honor in curiosity — and curiosity has brought great things — but to something “just because” lacks guidance and true fulfillment.
4) learn how to learn. Whether in school or in life to learn and develop your mind in a variety of topics through T.V., (social) media, the news, books, search engines & people. Everything & everywhere there’s something to learn whether it’s language, culture, stereotypes, ask questions and explore what truth can be found.
4a.) learn practice & consistency. The two most important things in life. These habits and rituals enforce more stable structures to move the mind forward. Initiating and facilitating growth. b.) Also, observe these things in other parts of life: partners, family, societies, media, and advertising. Everything has an agenda, revealed by their habits.
5) Accept change and asses your emotions to overcome hardship. It’s okay to feel, but you’ll learn, with practice and patience that change is an inevitable part of life, sometimes that involves losing things, people or deep attachments to old beliefs.
5a.) some questions you can ask yourself to overcome change:
how can I practice?, how am I practicing?, how am I willing to begin making change to enforce this practice?
6) know and accept your own truth to express your personality. In life you’ll hear a lot of shit talked about you. Not everyone needs to know your business, because you know what’s true, there’s no need in defending yourself against lies. Those who matter will see past lies anyone who believes is gullible and likely guided by ignorance. In that you may find some great friends.
6a.) this is inflected as well. I will not judge based off of other people’s opinion alone (unless there is surmounting evidence, like: if there’s a River (years) of bad reviews you probably shouldn’t invest).
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Note about 'Inside Resonance' is a project that seeking to vibrate with each other, the way it resound and the possibility of gestures. Just as the wavelength of sound resonates through vibration, the work is about sharing the body through continuous movements, such as movements of movement of movement, and to be resonate. However, this is not as easy because the screen surface, which has caught our eye, in the smart age, overwhelmingly presents cutting-edge physical environment and a change in the way we communicate. The approach of the work begins between these boundaries. The smartphone is in one hand, the drum is in both ears, the whole skin is dancing, and the gaze is walking a continuous tightrope between the screen and the body movement. The biggest change during Project 1, 2, and 3 is certainly the impact of the untact brought by the Pandemic situation. At first exhibition, I wanted to create a consensus by reducing the distance between people and people as much as possible, - From the second exhibition, 'distancing' was set as a choreography under the influence of the current regulating situation. For example, 1-2, 2-3, 3-4, 4-5, can be seen the people next to each other, but 1-3, 2-4, or 2-5, is an untouchable, resulted in a highly fragmented formation. - Another is that a video call, dubbed the caller, was inserted. The caller acts as a choreographer (starting point) in the monitor and is transmitted over the network in a completely different space. Eventually, the monitor's transmission of choreography spreads in a 1-2-3-4-5 manner, resulting in a series of factors such as noticing, buffering, imitating, and a bug among performers. - At the same time, there is another way of communication in the open chat room where anonymous performers, participants and visitors communicate. Anonymity and volatilism prevail in this space. - Finally, a live form of performance. In the first one, sound was sent to the exhibition hall through speaker with audio edited, while in the second, visitors improvised, and performers moved accordingly. In the third, drummers are invited to improve the quality of the performance, and both sound and movement are performed live. Artist’s note To me, work always comes as a physical being, and work is a process to build a belief system. Personal tasks that began by intervening with the body in the environment of a collective structure or system are stories of invisible surfaces felt through the skin. The skin is my chosen material and method, and just as the surface of the human body is made up of skin, the recent drum series also consists of animal skin. Our nature and traces of time are fully visible through the outer skin that surrounds the body. As Paul Valerie's saying, "The deepest part of a human being is the skin. (Cequ'ily a de plus propon de l'homme, c'est la peau)", I focus on the way of communicating with the world by 'skin'. It acts as linking the dichotomous world, such as inside and outside, visible, and invisible, phenomenon and transcendence. As the quantum entanglement of "virtual = reality" is increasingly amplified due to the time of continuouse untact, segmentation of time and time, de-bodyization, and volatil communication are reborn as new communication methods. We may already be more used to fantasy than reality. Everything seems to be connected, but nothing is connected. I have seen nowadays macro-changes due to digital methods and smart systems, and have focused on physical factors consideration of identity. And these are expressed through the using of sculptural works, performances, and media devices. In particular, the sculpture series, which began with the motif of the drum, implies the performance possibility of the sculpture based on physical instruments and ancient communication and actual exists as a dynamic role in leading the performance (sound and movement). By expressing the traditional subject of drum filling in 'shaped canvas' techniques, it seeks to explore "the contemporary tradition of a new form" and to explore underlying communication through the physical surface of the work. Communication, which begins with old tapping, becomes a conduit for connecting the world to the world, asking questions about the empty body caused by virtual systems, and recalling the possibility of a primitive body.
♪ for Philip I'm so incredibly curious :3
Holy cow this took awhile because ;_; i literally compiled almost all my philip-vibes songs and then went through the agonizing process of narrowing em down... i love music too much TT^TT (got down to 6, not five, but oh man. Oh man i cannot take any more off) (also im srry i cant Not talk abt em ajbsnfjb)
1. A Hair On The Head Of John The Baptist - Saltillo
This was one of the first songs that made me really think of Philip! At the time, I was trying to pin him down in my mind – and the way I interpret this song really is part of the core headcannons I have of him. Bitter, duplicitous in a fashion, verbose and self possessed; passionate and self assured, as well as earnest in seeking something. It's difficult to really explain, but those are the words that come to mind
2. I'll Keep Coming - Low Roar
A much more recent song!! Philip's stubborn determination, his complete refusal to let go of his goal... the misery in climbing a mountain, with nothing solid to be gained from it. Its just a wonderful vibe for him, and Low Roar is... damn, they're good
3. A Deer Mistaking Candles For Headlights - Crywank
Another more recent song lol (tbh a lot of songs i have for penumbra are abt the characters' interactions rather than them alone). Ok, this one might raise some eyebrows, but, well... i tend to headcannon Philip a very specific way, and this song gets it very close. He's a very... complicated person, with a lot of issues that are... not exactly easy to define.
4. Bitter Choco Decoration - Syudou Ft. Hatsune Miku
I think this is the first syudou song I ever heard!!! Oh man, its also one of the songs that helped me pin Philip down. Hes such a bitter, stubborn mess. Hes fascinating to think of, but when he's alone... yeah.
5. I Can't Escape Myself - The Sound
Philip alone... he just doesn't do well alone, I think, which sucks because he is absolutely not an extrovert at all, and if you manage to get him to talk he's a caustic, abrasive, short tempered grouch. The kind that is quiet, rarely explosive, but that doesn't matter if you put someone off enough with short remarks. This song grabs something in my head and I always think of a version of him where he survived, but hes struggling to process and cope with everything he did and everything that had happened to him – and he has no one to turn to. @_@
6. Silent Hill Downpour Intro - Korn
LOOK. I KNOW. It doesnt even have a proper name!!! But. Listen. It is absolutely PERFECT in describing the games, and just that opening... i imagine Philip climbing up to the deck of the fishing ship in a storm, getting his first glimpse of the land ahead. Its just too perfect not to stitch to my image of him.
Holy shit I literally. Cannot choose the songs. Gonna list a bunch under the cut, because i. Cannot not do that. And its literally not even all of them, its just what I scraped up as quick as I could 😔
Choice - Jack Stauber
Flash Delirium - MGMT ☆
It's Another Maze In There - Kikuo ☆
Pretty Old Man - No Buses
Haunted - laura les
Alkaline Adult - TadanoCo
Dog and Wolf - Whitey
Airhead - Picon ☆
Cartoon Network - Black Dresses
Here We Are - Forrest Isn't Dead
Dionysus - Cherry Tobacco
I Can't Handle Change - ROAR ☆
Tatara - Picon
Words On A Blank Paper - Oonuma Paseri
Mobius - Hiiragi Kirai
Back - Jack Stauber
Bury Me Low - 8graves ☆
How To Serve Man (the meanest things I'd never say) - El-P
Mouthful of Diamonds - Phantogram ☆
Pac-Man - Gorillaz
Clinically Dead - Chad VanGaalen
Little Dark Age - MGMT ☆
Hometown - French79
Je Suis Un Homme - Zazie ☆
Infinitesimal - Mother Mother
Inexplicable - The Correspondents ☆
Signs of Life - Arcade Fire ☆
Paradise Circus - Massive Attack
Lead Over Gold - Whitey ☆
Трюмы кораблей (ship holds?) - BLAZH ☆
Smile Boyo - Vundabar
1993 - Oliver Tree ☆
Eye For An Eye - 8graves ☆
Unglued - Big Data
Pelicans We - Cosmo Sheldrake ☆
Tardigrade Song - Cosmo Sheldrake ☆
Ok, ok, this is way too many but T^T i needed to at least mention the ones i randomly decided not to point directly at. Stars are the ones i get really strong feelings for 😔
tbh this was a mess because ahjsgjdhk i couldnt list em all even though thats What i really really Wanted to do, and YouTube. Deletes songs off my playlist and never tells me whats missing and i just KNOW that some very big philip vibes songs are gone and agjdhkvnm
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this isn't about L or a tc but its about an experience i had with a teacher that i just want to write out, and here is the only place i can do that. (warning, long post ahead but trust me its worth the read)
let me preface this by saying i had no feelings for this teacher, she was my homeroom teacher at the time. before this i barely spoke to her, i just thought she was nice.
so this all started back in march 2020, during the first lockdown. school's had just been shut down and we were in our first few weeks of online classes. it was a big adjustment, i went from playing sports multiple times a week, seeing friends everyday, going to school everyday and doing a lot to being stuck at home all alone really quick. that plus some personal issues (my dad was having some issues and my dog got cancer but she's okay now) caused me to spiral into a bit of a depressive episode.
i was skipping a lot of class, specifically homeroom. it started at 8:00am and i just couldn't get myself to wake up for it. on the days that i did wake up, i had no motivation to get ready and look decent so i would skip. this went on for a few weeks, until i got a message from my homeroom teacher (lets call her g)
G messaged me via google chat, she sent me a private message asking if everything was okay. this wasn't weird at all, i was actually surprised and grateful that she noticed and took the time to reach out. i responded that i was fine, just adjusting like everyone else.
she made a joke about how the lockdown was getting to her as-well, and then asked one more time if everything was okay. i said that i was just having some issues finding the motivation to finish some assessments.
that was when it started going down. she suddenly sent me a really long paragraph saying she 'completely understood because she was extremely depressed for years'. she spoke all about her experience, how her mother was a big cause of her depression, how she struggled with a lot of things, basically trauma dumped on me. note that during this she did not ask once about how i felt, i didnt say anything about being depressed she assumed. i didnt ask about anything, she revealed all her personal information.
at the time i was dumb and vulnerable, i thought that her saying all this to me meant i was special. i thought she cared about me. we were texting almost all day for about 3 days about her past, i spoke a bit about mine but mostly just related and listened.
after a while she started talking about her everyday struggles. 'oh, i missed my first class this morning i'm such an idiot' , 'oh i don't know if i'm doing the right thing' and stuff like that. it turned into me (the student) comforting her (the adult).
this continued until summer break. i found out on the last days of school that she was leaving but we were still in regular contact, texting and calling sometimes. but suddenly something changed. she stopped replying to me, she stopped texting, she unfollowed me on instagram and completely ghosted me. i had no idea what i did wrong. there was no indication that i had done something to upset her or that she was going to do that, so i was naturally extremely confused.
i spent the next YEAR almost obsessing over it? i didn't unfollow her on instagram because i felt attached, like maybe it was a misunderstanding. i would watch her stories religiously to try and get any insight on what was going on in her head (sounds crazy now lol)
i never got the closure i wanted. i never found out why she ghosted me, what i did or what happened. THE WORST PART WAS THAT SHE REACHED OUT TO ME FIRST. she sent the first text, not me. so why did she waste her time 'fixing me' just to get bored?
thinking about it now, after everything has settled, i'm in awe. it's embarrassing to think about, even. it was super inappropriate and weird, i could never imagine being an adult woman and 'venting' to a kid. i dont know, the whole thing just confused the hell out of me and im still wondering if she was not wrong.
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How SSDs Can Improve Your PC Performance
Solid State Drives are becoming more popular in the past few years because of their performance and low maintenance. They work faster than traditional hard disk drives, but they also consume less power.
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Windows 10 and an SSD Upgrade: What You Need to Know
This is a short guide to upgrading your Windows 10 PC with an SSD. We have talked about the pros and cons of this upgrade in previous articles, but it is good to know that these benefits are even more significant now with the latest Windows 10 update.
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What You Need:
Summary of High-Level Steps for Windows 10 and Solid-State Drive Upgrades
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nat hi bby!! i just wanted to pop in and say hi and check up on you, how are you, how’s life? 🫂
also, i rlly look up to you as a writer, your works are always amazing and your style of writing is literally wow idk how to describe it.
do you have any tips or suggestions or smth like that to help me improve with longer fic writing?
ily take care of yourself and have a great day mwah 🫂🫂🤍
HELLO alys babes i'm doing alright!! got out of school and am ready to hibernate HEARTZ i hope you're doing amazing as well mwah mwah xoxox
THANK YOU SO MUCH WTF it warms my heart to know u enjoy my writing like What the fuck thats crazy.......the thought of being perceived at all is nerve wracking but when its POSITIVE its like WOAH this is so cool im having so much fun
LONGER FIC WRITING oh boy that's always been really rough for me too just because i have a VERY short attention span and have a habit of jumping around from topic to topic BUT over my short months doing (hopefully good) writing i have learned a few things
1. WRITE ABOUT SOMETHING THAT U LIKE. don't force yourself to write long drawn out concepts that you KNOW you will get tired of very quickly. if this means rejecting a few requests that u get then don't feel bad about that--write what u want to write and what you KNOW will interest you. that has a better chance of keeping ur attention on writing for longer periods of time
2. write a SHIT TON all at one time. i promise u this will help. if u get stuck on one (1) particular scene just MOVE ON VERY QUICK. what i do is i literally speedrun thru everything i want to get through and if i hit a part that im not sure how to write yet, i put a basic idea of what to put there in parenthesis (like this) and save it for later, so that i don't forget what i wanted to include there
3. mmm this is more like long term(??? if that even makes sense at all) but figure out a style of working that you like best. this means if you prefer writing for super long periods of time with only small breaks inbetween, or if you like getting all ur shit down in under 5 minutes and then waiting another half hour for inspiration to strike....learn about Yourself and get comfy w that system of writing. It could change each time depending on WHAT ur working on (like varies from piece to piece) but allot yourself the time and the workspace to work how you think is best for you
4. let urself edit stuff....like if theres a scene you've decided you dont like, give yourself the time to change it and rewrite it. sometimes i find that if i've taken a while to write a scene but ultimately dislike how it reads--i have to make a decision as to whether i'll continue with having that one scene im unsatisfied with OR if i want to take the extra time and rewrite it so that im more content with what im putting out. more often than not the latter is the bet option (for me personally) LOL so just give urself time to rethink as you write
I HOPE THIS IS COHERENT LOL???? honestly the longest thing i've written recently was that 3.5k monster of a found family genshin fic n that shit passed by like a FEVER DREAM i just kept writing shit down.... but YEA i hope this helps and thank u for checking in i wish you all the best mwah mwah xoxoxo
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One-shot: Sure you got away. But you're theirs. And they want you back. Part One of Two.
Trigger warnings: Violence, swearing, intimidation, Vampire themes, cliff-hanger.
You thought it was finally over. After 6 months of looking over your shoulder, after all the running and worrying and anxiety, you were starting to let yourself believe that you were finally free.
After everything, you were starting to settle into a new life. You had changed your identity and discarded every last piece of who you had been. It was heart-wrenching, it was unbelievably hard, but it was necessary. Now, at long last, you had the chance to continue living.
It was still an unusual feeling returning to such an ordinary world, but it was also exciting. The possibilities were endless and you had complete freedom, complete control.
And what you had chosen with this freedom was the mundane. You'd enrolled and were in your first week of college. You spent way too much money on class supplies. You had a part-time job, an apartment and you were even trying to make friends. Everything was perfect.
It's been years since you'd left school and it was your first time in college, so everything was feeling a bit rusty. A simple example was how poorly your understanding of your timetable was. Sitting in an empty lecture hall with only 5 minutes until the class is supposed to start, you're suspecting you may have gotten something wrong. Again.
Studying the crinkled printout, you're certain you're in the right place. You checked the map and the room number 3 times this morning. Everyone else must just be running late. But as the clock ticks to 15:02, you have to concede that maybe you need some help finding where to go.
Groaning, you stuff your laptop back into your backpack. You don't exactly know what this class is even about, but you still don't want to be late for your first lesson. You're closing the zippers when you hear the door open up behind you. Sighing in relief, you look back to see if it is another student or the Teacher who has come in. You crane your neck, not able to see over the steep incline of chairs, hearing only the faintest sounds of a male voice.
Turning straight in your seat you rush to again pull your computer out, ramming your bag under your chair. You flip it open, turning it on setting up for class. Behind you, you hear the door creak and bang closed again. But still, no one is coming down.
Maybe you were a bit too eager. Perhaps they were in the wrong class too and left. Twisting around, you search once more for the people that came in.
Your stomach plummets. Jimin and Jungkook are stood at the top of the stairs. The welcoming smile on your face sinks, your mouth gaping. For a moment unable to breathe in or out.
How the fu-
The door sounds again. Even before you hear it slam shut, you're out of your seat bolting across the hall floor, sprinting towards the service exit. Reaching out, your hand only grazes the handle as the door jerks open on Hoseok and Taehyung.
Stumbling backwards, you pace away, keeping your sights fixed on them. Your eyes meet Tae's, your heart hammering in your chest. Anguish overwhelming your whole body. Snapping your hand to your thigh, you grab at your jeans pocket only to find it flat and empty.
Shit. Your lighters in your fucking backpack.
Turning to the side, Jin, Namjoon and Yoongi are casually descending the stairs also. Jimin and Jungkook already at the bottom step, standing between you and your belongings. Your eyes dart left and right as you continue to retreat, withdrawing from the advancing men.
"Fuck-" you mutter. The only other unguarded exit is at the top, at the other end of the room. Maybe if it was only one of them, or two- even three, you could have made it. But you don't stand a chance against all 7 of them. Not empty-handed.
Your chest is aching. You're beyond angry and hurt. This isn't supposed to be possible. You spent every last dollar you could scrounge making sure they couldn't find you. You are supposed to be protected from them!
Slowly Jimin, Jungkook, Hoseok and Taehyung work from either side of the room herding you back. Cornering you until you bump into the Teacher's desk.
Praying that your investment wasn't completely useless, your hand wraps around your gem necklace, clinging to it as tightly as you can.
The 4 of them circle you, Taehyung taking the lead to completely intrude into your space. His fingers brush against your elbow, making you flinch back before he can grab you. The sharp jolt left smacks your shoulder into Hoseok's chest and by the time you squirm away, Jungkook has filled the space to your right, trapping you between the 4 men.
"You changed your hair," Jungkook muses, running his fingers through the length of your hair. Flicking your arm up, you swat him away also.
"You smell delicious." Jimin purrs, licking his lips. His eyes filled with hunger.
"Right!" Taehyung beams, "I forgot how good it is." he leans in to sniff the air around you.
Hoseok bunches his hand in your shirt, twisting the material, pulling you flush to him. Taehyung's fingers trail along your collar bone up your neck. Jungkook mimicking the action on the other side.
You're shaking. Terrified. Overwhelmed by their intrusions. Aching with panic.
Exhaling heavily, you try to calm yourself. Focusing and inhaling steadily you tense and harden the air around you. Shifting it and forcing a current outwards from you as the centre. It shoves them away. Throwing them a few feet. The strength of it hurling the desk from you also, sending it into the wall with a heavy thud. But the power isn't enough. It doesn't even knock them off their feet.
However, it has given you some valuable space and hopefully, it made a statement. You know you're not strong enough to hurt them like this, but you're trusting they don't know that.
Trust misplaced, unfortunately. The three youngest stumble, but straighten themselves right away. All of them chuckling to the others, not even slightly intimidated but instead amused by your eruption. Regrouping and unphased, they close in again.
Only Hoseok doesn't.
"You're going to use that against us?" he growls, charging at you in anger, his arm swinging back. In a panicked defence, you raise your arms over your head preparing to be hit, wincing a step back.
"Cut it out." Jin scolds from behind them, quashing Hoseok's assault before it connects. The three of them, Namjoon, Yoongi, and Jin are resting on the tables, watching the scene unfold as you are toyed with. The 3 younger ones also react to Jin's warning, all of them backing off.
Continuing to stagger from them, you make as much space as you can. Reversing until there are a couple of meters between you, and you're again pressed against the desk. Holding some kind of mild comfort from the distance, as if they couldn't close it in an instant.
"Why-" your voice cracks. "How-" you gape, hanging on to the gem desperately. You're trying to think, but your mind is drowning in fear. It's short-circuiting. There is no outcome that you can think of where you get to leave here free.
Jimin laughs. "What you mean how. Did you really believe that little trinket would stop us from finding you?" His proud reply gives him the temerity to come at you again.
"If money buys magic Y/n, well, we have more money than you," Taehyung teases. Following Jimin, they beginning to mob you once more.
"Stop!" You shriek. You're dismayed you didn't make any kind of impression before. They've seen what you can do. You just have to convince them you're still as threatening now as you would be with the other elements. You hold your hand open at Jimin, conjuring all the strength you can, driving a wall of wind at him. The directed attack is more successful. It tosses him through the air, sending him smashing into a vacant section in the bottom row of seats.
Thank god! That was better.
Taehyung flashes in front of you, snatching up your wrist. His other hand wrapping around your throat, lifting you high enough that you're off balance with only your toes remaining on the floor. "Have you forgotten?" He squeezes tighter making you splutter and choke. "We don't have to be this nice." He snarls.
"Hyung. Wait." Jungkook puts his shoulder between you and Taehyung, pressing down on Tae's arms to encourage him to lower you. "We're doing it differently this time, remember."
"Fine," He easily concedes, scoffing. Taehyung's grip releases and he skulks back rolling his eyes.
Breathing hard, your hand goes over your throat. The sting of tears building in the corners of your eyes.
"Y/n. We just want to talk." Jungkook takes over with a soothing cadence. "Things got a little messy before,"
"If you work with us, there won't be any problems," Jin interjects, standing at Jungkooks back.
"Right. We've talked it out and we're going to share this time." Jungkook continues, trying to reassure you.
This is crazy.
They're acting like it was them fighting over your that was the problem. They were using you. Keeping you prisoner. Drinking your blood to increase their strength and abilities. They hurt you, they abused you, they played with your mind and toyed with you for fun! You couldn't give a shit if sometimes they argued over whose turn it was to drain you dry!
"We really do care about you. We promise to be more gentle." Jimin adds, offering his hand for you to accept, sounding sincere and warm.
"Yeah. We're not gonna hurt you," Hoseok chips in, not even attempting to hide his sardonic tone and smirk.
"Liar!" You spit at both of them, the pressure in the air bursting outwards again, only with no power or direction. Not enough to even rock them.
They can show their actual feelings or they can try to fake sincerity, but you have experienced who they truly are. Even with how much they fucked with your head, you remember so much of what they did to you. And none of them are free from guilt. Each and every one of them left scars on you. Mentally and physically.
You can't understand what they are trying to convince you of. You know what kind of monsters they are. No amount of sympathetic tones or reassuring words changes this. You know exactly what they will do to you. What they will use your blood for, your power for.
"We're not that bad." Yoongi chuckles, not moving from his rested position next to Namjoon. "What do you think happens when actual monsters find out about you?"
"Stay out of my head!" you shout, realizing you had left yourself exposed. You urgently press the viridian gem into your palm again. Your loose hand flies out towards Yoongi densifying the air.
Jimin intervenes, darting next to you, stopping you before you start. His fingers latch onto your forearm, digging in, instantly tearing into the muscles. The pain is intense and makes you scream and buckle. Your knees weaken and you fall to the ground. He lets go, throwing your arm away, standing over you as you cradle it to your chest. Red welts right away forming under his fingerprints.
Panting through gritted teeth, you look up, watching the 7 of them watch you.
This is maddening. Your control of air is lacking and fleeting at best. However, there isn't anything else around for you to use. If you could only get to your lighter, you could even the playing field. Hell, if you just had a half a litre bottle of water you would be better equipped than you are now.
"If you even think of throwing fire around, Jimin's going to have to revive you after I'm finished," Yoongi threatens, taking the opportunity to again invade your thoughts.
"Stop." You whine, in too much pain to scream at him the way you want. Stiffly you lower your injured arm to your lap, throbbing pangs shooting up your arm. You hold onto the pendant once again for protection.
This stupid fucking stone was supposed to keep these 7 blood-sucking sadists away from you. It was supposed to shield you from their abilities, but it doesn't even do that unless you're touching it.
"I'm not going with you." You groan. Shakily getting to your feet. "I-"
"That's not your choice," Hoseok growls growing impatient. His forearms tighten, the veins bulging as his hands clench into fists. "We own y-"
"Fine!" You shout, drowning him out. "Take me back. But I'm stronger than I was 3 years ago. Stronger than 6 months ago. You think it was hard to keep me under control before? One slip up I'll burn you to ash!" you shriek.
There's a moment of silence, where a few of them seem to share an unsure look. Looking between themselves uncertain on how to proceed.
"Okay, I'm over this," Namjoon exclaims with a sigh, for the first time entering the discussion. He strides into the group, towards you, and Jin and Hoseok part to let him through.
The terror Namjoon has instilled in you bubbles up the instant he stalks at you. Out of the 7 of them, it is undeniable that he scares you the most. The others may damage and harm you physically, but Namjoon does so much worse.
You stutter back, holding your wrecked arm out at him in defence, your other fixed to the necklace. The facade of strength you had falls apart like a sandcastle facing a wave. While he was hanging back and while they were discussing restraint you had a hope, a wish that they wouldn't let him near you. But if he has made his own mind up, then there is no chance of stopping him. None of them will challenge the leader.
Searching out, you stumble to Jungkook. He was the only one trying to temper the situation. He is the only hope you have left.
"Okay, okay, let- let's talk." you try to bring back the conversation he had begun earlier. Looking up at his face, the warm smile he had is gone, replaced with an apologetic look.
You shake your head heavily, "No.'" you whimper, "Don't let him. Please. I was wrong. Let's talk." You plead. Your chest weighed down with dread. You're so close to crying. Jungkook shrugs, grabbing hold of your shoulders, maneuvering you, spinning you towards Namjoon as you come face to face.
With uncontestable power he grabs your hand, unwrapping your fingers, forcing your hand open. Forcing you to separate from your only source of preservation. He snatches the pendant, ripping the necklace off of you with a painful yank. Throwing it across the room.
"Wait-," you gasp.
"You wanna talk now?" Namjoon scoffs, sarcastically. "You know I'm reasonable. We should be able to find a way for all of us to be happy." He bends down to your eye level, his hand wrapping around your neck, dragging you closer to him. "Let me just correct this one little thing first," he smirks. "then we'll talk."
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Chapter three of the silvergifting wip fully written, probably will be posted on Friday or Saturday. Bizarrely far more worried about this one despite the lack of an eight thousand word Gandalf scene, which I ended up very happy with, but not sure about the initial Sauron bits.
Writing a multi-chapter fic has made me thing quite a bit on writing fiction and how I approach it, and how I genuinely do not intellectually understand the mechanics of writing a story that’s longer than a vignette or pwp. I’m untrained, and have made no to attempt to train myself; I don’t even work with a beta. (This post is mostly “I”, sorry, tell me to shut up if it is overly self-absorbed, but at the same time I think it’s less about me and more about an approach to writing that can’t be unique.)
I’m writing this WIP as I go. Plenty of it is already written, but in isolated fragments and while I have a general outline, it is general: I add and change and decide on things as I go, including some major scenes. Part of me wishes that I had finished the entire fic before beginning to post, though I know full well that I need the dopaminergic comments and kudos to continue to work on it.
It’s made me think about what I don’t know what to do in some areas of writing. A multichaptered WIP is a serial, and serials are in danger of falling prey to some flaws. I’m not worried so much about one danger (maintaining consistent characterization; I always have a strong view of my particular versions of the characters). But the mechanics of it all: arcs that work, proper foreshadowing, plot, pacing, command of register, making sure the story doesn’t have scenes it doesn’t need or lack ones it does? Ok, the plot of this WIP is a romance in both the classic and shippy sense, not a mystery or adventure, but. On the other hand, I don’t think I know how to do structural editing, so I’m not sure finishing the story before posting would even help. All of my writing is instinctual - or rather the things I consciously think about are fannish things (lore and canon, worldbuilding, characterization and relationships). Well, fannish things and blocking; I want my characters to have the proper number of arms, unless it’s a fic with tentacles. And hey! It’s fanfic, those fannish things are why I write, and I have no desire whatsoever to write professionally.
But when I say my writing is instinctual, it’s... hmm. Not unthoughtful, but unpracticed. I never wrote any fiction until 2018 and the first thing I wrote is the first fic on my ao3 works page (which rereading now needs an actual ending; I really like it but it peters out at the end); everything I’ve finished is posted. Until I started writing something multi-chaptered, I’d never thought about, ugh, plot. Pacing is ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. I can edit prose and dialogue on a word-by-word or sentence-by-sentence level, but figuring out what register is best to use for a character or a scene? Idk, my typing fingers move and words appear on a screen. It’s something I do in the same way that I walk. Ok, that’s not a fantastic metaphor, but. What I know about writing is what I’ve internalized from the books and articles I’ve read. Embarrassingly, most of the fiction I’ve read is fanfic and fantasy novels like the Dragonlance books. (Though I’m reading Moby Dick right now, and 1) love; 2) it is strange; 3) I’ve no plans to write several thousand words on incorrect cephalopod facts or the eternal eroticism of the sea.)
But are books that aim to give advise to the aspiring fiction writer even useful? How much of fanfic writing is specific to this particular genre? Or, I’m sure those books are helpful but are they worth it for fic writers who mostly stick to one shots? Are they worth it for someone like me, who has no education in the craft of writing but who also has no aspirations to anything more than fanfic that amuses me? (I’m also fairly content with my prose, and look I like adverbs ok pry them away from my rigor mortis’ed hands.) And I absolutely don’t mean to say that a MFA is needed or that someone needs to read those how-to books. But how do you learn to write a novel? How do you learn the craft of writing? Is it something that even needs to be learned?
This post is obviously me me me, but I am curious about other fan authors’ experiences, especially those who don’t have dreams of writing professionally. Does this make sense to anyone? Alternatively, what is it like for people who do think deeply about the mechanics of writing and does it impact the writing of fanfic in particular rather than fiction in general?
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A year of you - Masterpost
A single year can host a lot of experiences. New friends, new places, new beginnings. A brand new life starts for Arlet the very same day she meets Henry, and during the following months she gets to know him, to explore the hidden side of him, to learn who Henry Cavill truly is, and also that loving someone is not as terrible as she remembers.
A single year can change everything.
Pairing: Henry Cavill x Arlet Caronte (OFC)
Theme: Long friends to lovers slow burn, with lots of talking, lots of cliches, fluff stuff, light spicy parts, and love, of course. A lot of sugar was put in every chapter.
Word count: 135k
Author's Note: writing this fanfic has been a wild trip for me. During the almost four months it took me to finish it, it has helped me to partially heal from the terrible mental state I was, and seeing that a lot of you guys enjoyed something that was making me feel better, it only helped me to keep going and going, until it was finished. I can't thank you all enough for your support during the whole process, for being with me and encourage me to continue. This story means a lot to me. And for those of you who are reading this before starting this wonderful journey, thanks for the chance you are giving me.
That's it, I shall proceed with the tags one last time.
@stephartrave @tssf-imagines @themanfromu @tumblnewby @greensleeves888 @kebabgirl67 @ali-in-w0nderland
Chapter 1 || Chapter 2 || Chapter 3 || Chapter 4 || Chapter 5 ||
Chapter 6 || Chapter 7 || Chapter 8 || Chapter 9 || Chapter 10 ||
Chapter 11 || Chapter 12 || Chapter 13 || Chapter 14 ||
Chapter 15 || Chapter 16 || Chapter 17 + Epilogue ||
Appendix 1 || Appendix 2 || Appendix 3
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Alpha Reader Program - July 2021
Our pair from June are working hard, so we know we're gonna love what they've crafted! Before that is revealed, however, we need to get ready for next month!
Our alpha reader for July is @mrswhozeewhatsis!
If you are a Pond member and are interested in working with this month's alpha reader, everything you need to know about signing up is below the cut!
Click here to find out exactly what an alpha reader is!
Here’s how the program works:
(Everything is subject to change as we go if we find things that aren’t working out. If you have any suggestions, let us know!)
Below, you will find information from the alpha for this month. This information should help you determine if this month’s alpha is someone you could work with.
If you are interested in working with this alpha, you will fill out this application form. (Pond members only. Joining is easy! Check out the Start Here link!)
Only the Pond admins will be able to see your username. The alpha will not know who you are. (This month, the alpha will know, because she's a Pond admin and the one running the program. This can't be avoided guys. Sorry!) We hope this brings together people who maybe wouldn’t otherwise find each other, so this application process will be blind.
DEADLINE TO APPLY IS MIDNIGHT, PACIFIC TIME, ON THE LAST DAY OF THE MONTH!
Based on the application information, the alpha will pick a mentee. Only after the mentee is chosen will the alpha know who they have chosen.
The pair will decide if they want a list of prompts to choose from, or if they want to work on a story idea the mentee has had on the back burner.
Together, they will create beautiful words.
The mentee will post their work on their own blog and submit it to the Pond for posting and to be added to the Program masterpost.
If there are any questions or concerns throughout,@mrswhozeewhatsis will be the point person/mediator! (Normally, Michelle is the mediator if there is an issue. However, since Michelle is the alpha this month, the Manta Rays have agreed to act as backup. If you have any problems working with Michelle, you can go to any of the Manta Rays and they will mediate for you!)
Must be SPN fan fiction.
All ships/pairings/kinks/genres allowed. The only restrictions are those set by the alpha and the mentee.
Use a Keep Reading cut if your story is more than 500 words.
Tag your story with the appropriate trigger warning tags and list them in the author’s note.
Our preferred header format is here.
There is no minimum or maximum word count for this. We don’t expect a novel, but hope for a one-shot.
The story idea MUST be something the mentee has not written or posted, yet. Ideally, to get the most out of this experience, the mentee will only have a couple of sentences about a vague idea, at most. We will provide a list of prompts if you like.
We would prefer that this not be Part 1 of a series. We don’t want to ask the alpha to commit to something larger than a one-shot. If the idea turns into more, and the mentee is willing to continue without the alpha, or the alpha is willing to continue working on the story after the month is done, then that is up to the alpha and the mentee.
Use the hashtag #alpha reader program when you post your story and tag the @spnfanficpond, your alpha reader, and @mrswhozeewhatsis
And now, a bit about our alpha for this month:
What is your username?
Are you a writer, yourself?
Are you an experienced beta? (Have you beta read for more than five people, reading more than one story for at least 1 of them?)
What is your turnaround time for a typical one-shot? (This will not be a typical situation, but this answer will give everyone an idea of how long to give you after they send you something.)
On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being “English is my second language,” and 5 being, “I have a degree in English or professional editing experience,” how confident are you with your grammar skills?
What time zone are you in?
Is there anything you won't read? Ships/pairings, smut, non-con, dub-con, slash, AU, etc.
I don't like the really dark stuff that requires a lot of trigger warnings. If that's what you really want to do, I can work with it, but I would probably not be the best person for it.
On a scale of 1 to 5, 1 being “Please don’t make me drink the demon blood again,” and 5 being, “Easier than Dean’s pie,” how comfortable would you be checking for story elements such as continuity errors, characterization, and canon compliance?
Brainstorming ideas will require you both to be free at the same time. When is the best time for you?
Late afternoon or middle of the night.
How long of a story are you willing to read for this project?
5000 - 9999 words
Do you use Google Docs?
Please write a couple of sentences to give writers a feel for your style and approach to alpha reading. For example, what is your main focus when it comes to storytelling (i.e. details, feelings, actions)? Are you willing to help with flow or pacing? If a writer is having trouble with a certain sentence, are you willing to offer rewording/restructuring suggestions? Do you feel comfortable offering notes on the story if you feel like something is missing or needs more work?
I will generally read through a story three times: first, for an overall feel; second, to really start making suggestions; and third is to catch anything I might have missed the first two times. If I think a detail needs to be included, I will usually ask questions or make suggestions in the comments to get the reader to think about them. I love getting into the details, whether it's grammar, story, characterization, or whatever. Honestly, I've had writers back away from me as a beta reader because I'm about more than just proofreading. I have a BA in English, so grammar is a thing with me.
What do you feel your weaknesses are when writing or alpha reading? For example, do you have trouble with dialogue or action scenes? Is there a particular grammar aspect you have trouble with?
Action is my biggest weakness. Smut tends to be a lot of action, and it takes me just SO LONG to write it because of that. Even though I'm a bit of a grammar bully, I love me some commas, so I also use Grammarly and Word's grammar checker to curb my comma addiction.
Is there anything else you'd like to add?
I'm really excited to work with someone who really wants to work with an alpha reader! I love brainstorming ideas and working out story points with a writer. Watching someone else blossom makes me happy!
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The gang playing Torchlight II
I grew up on the first Torchlight and the 2nd one is my favorite, it's fantastic and I keep playing over and over again, so of course i would make a post about it. Enjoy :3 (also I highly recommend that game)
I didn’t go into too much details because 1) Not a lot of people know this game, and 2) I wanted to talk about the armors and stuff, because their designs are great but i figured it would have been a little too complicated ^^’
Anyway, self indulgence time
“Outlanders are agile ranged weapon users who are experts in magical and martial arts”
His favorite weapons are bows and crossbows
It's a nice changes from his swords
Doesn’t really enchant his weapons, he keeps his gold for armor or better weapons
His favorite place in the Torchlight world is the Salt Barrens - a dried-up inland sea characterized by parched, cracked earth and ancient shipwrecks.
He loves the Ship Graveyard the most
His pet is a Wolf
His favorite skill is Bane Breath - A blast of cursed breath poisons enemies. If they are killed, they are converted into Shadowling Fiends that fight for you for ten seconds.
It’s like he has his own little army
His favorite item quote is from (potion) Sweet-Aide: 243602 Health loss over 13.33 minutes
“The Engineer is a heavy melee fighter who can use cannons, battle wrenches and deploy mechanical constructs to aid them in battle”
His favorite weapons are polearms and staves
Unlike Leo, he prefers to stay comfortable
Loooooves enchanting his weapons and adding Electric gems to them
Not only does it adds damage, it also looks really nice
His favorite place in the Torchlight world is the Frosted Hills - a snowy outdoor area
He especially likes destroying the Slaver’s camp
His pet is a Hawk
Really hesitated with the Stag
His favorite skill is Healing Bot -The Engineer assembles a small clockwork drone that emits energy pulses, healing both himself and allies.
He names his little robot Buddy and he loves it as much as his pet
He chooses this class solely for that skill
His favorite item quote is from (helmet) the Servo-Helm: It mechanically augments your own brain power!
“These savage warriors use ferocious melee attacks, fist weapons, and can summon animal spirits in battle”
His favorite weapons are Maces and Fist Weapons
Especially when he has a double set of claws
He feels like Wolverine
His favorite skill is Stempede - A brutal forward dash that damages all foes in its path
It’s hella cool and he loves destroying his ennemy by just running into them
His favorite place in the Torchlight world is the Ossean Wastes - a desert overworld area characterized by sand dunes and the skeletons of giant animals
Absolutely in love with this aesthetic (and the armor style you can find in this part of the game)
His pet is a Stag
It really surprised everyone, but he thinks it’s cool
His favorite item quote is from (gloves) the Twilight Vambraces:These bracers do not sparkle, as some might expect.
“The spellcasters of the Imperial army, these ranged magic users are masters of the elements, attacking with frost, fire and lightning“
His favorite weapons are Staves and Wands
He’s not used to range weapons, but wands work for him
Adds Poison gems to everything
Likes to put Fire and Frost gems too
His favorite skill is Fire Bombs - You hurl three gouts of flame that ignite the ground for 3 seconds and sometimes cause foes to stumble in panic as they burn.
Destructive Drama Queen ™
His pet is an Alpaca
He just loves how cuddly it looks
Names it MikeyJr
His favorite place in the Torchlight world is the Path of the Honored Dead -The cemetery / memorial of the Estherian Enclave, this pass is covered in fog and has become infested with the undead.
It’s spooky and pretty and it’s right up his alley
His favorite item quote is from (boots) Killian’s Boots: Killian would be furious if he knew you were wearing these.
“The Engineer is a heavy melee fighter who can use cannons, battle wrenches and deploy mechanical constructs to aid them in battle”
Her favorite weapons are Maces and Polearms
There is an amazing skill you can only use with two handed heavy weapons (hence why she picked those)
Flame Hammer - Crushes foes with a flaming slam attack. Charges add flaming splinters that radiate out from the impact
She feels so powerful with this skill and it’s really efficient, so she uses mainly this
Her pet is a Panther
She wanted a cat, but why stop so small?
Her favorite place in the Torchlight world is the Sundered Battlefield - It contains the ruins of an ancient dwarven battleground
She loves the ruins, and even more the quests of this particular area
Her favorite item quote is from (necklace) the Pocketwatch of the Tennant: It’s full of wibbly wobbly stuff.
“These savage warriors use ferocious melee attacks, fist weapons, and can summon animal spirits in battle”
His favorite weapons are Fist Weapons and Swords
He likes the unique claw kind, but... Swords, amaright?
He doesn’t have a stategy, he just spams the Attack and Heal buttons
It works so far
His favorite place in the Torchlight world is the Blightbogs - It is a haunted swamp populated by werewolves, witches, and ghosts.
He likes the werewolf area in the Abandoned Sawmill
His favorite skill is Devastate -You rush forward in a flurry of powerful attacks using all equipped melee weapons
He nicknames it Feral Boy, but everyone else says it’s just Raph But Higher Level
His pet is a Chakawary
Because unlike litterally everyone else, he has a personality
(He’s right, the Chakawary is cool as hell)
His favorite item quote is from (sword) Joyous: It's good to be alive!
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A Grand Tour of the Julian 3D Model, Part 5: The Devil is in the Details
(Part1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)
OK, so I’ve spent a bunch of time re-simulating Julian’s clothing, and I’ll finish posing his fuccboi expression once I set up the final lighting, because it will have a huge effect (which you will see later). So now what?
The textures on this outfit are a bit exaggerated in some places. I don’t care for the way the boots have these wrinkles (1) and the baked-in wrinkles of the shirt now make no sense because I have altered the shape of the shirt (2). (I’m test rendering in bright light so you can see all of this!)
Time for a crash course in textures...
A 3D model on its own is just a blank eggshell. Texture maps, slotted into shaders, are what make them look like fabric, skin, metal, glass, or whatever.
To vastly oversimplify, a shader is a bit of software that figures out how light affects the model. Texture maps are plugged into the shader so they can be taken into account during this process. Here you can see a small sample of the many, many shader and texture settings on Julian’s ‘Face’ surface:
Fun Fact: Julian has over 50 individual shader settings on his skin surfaces!
Texture maps may be a seamless repeating tile, or they may be a single hi-res image that is created for a specific part of the geometry, like Julian’s face above. These textures are often ‘painted’ directly on the model in a texturing program, and then ‘unwrapped’ like an orange peel and flattened into a 2D image. (The 2D image can then be modded fairly easily for things like makeup, freckles, etc.)
Most 3D models have, at minimum, a Diffuse or Albedo map (the base color/texture), a Bump or Normal map (helps ‘fake’ fine detail), and some kind of Glossiness or Specular map (controls shine and reflectivity). But there are lots and lots more kinds of maps for various functions. Different shaders will make use of different additional maps - and some shaders use no maps at all, just color values and math!
This is part of the shirt’s diffuse map - texture maps are copyrighted by the artist, so I’m not putting them here in full, just a small sample to illustrate what I’m talking about.
And this is part of the normal map - see how it shows fine details like topstitching? But overall, it’s too coarse of a weave for my tastes, and I want to apply a different texture. Since the vest is being worn over it, losing the fake bump effect on the buttons won’t matter very much.
Here I’ve applied new shaders to several surfaces. These are all shader presets - just a little bundle of tiling texture maps and appropriate shader settings. I used a cotton shader preset on the shirt, a slightly creased leather preset on the boots, a velvet preset on the chair cushion, and an aged gold preset on the chair body. I added depth-of-field on the camera to push the background into, well, the background. This slightly blurs everything behind him, and helps make Julian the focus of the image.
Now it’s time for lighting! This, too, is a huge subject, but it is almost exactly like lighting for IRL photography. Here is the ‘studio’ view of the scene, including the camera and the spotlight:
There is also another source of ambient light, not visible outside of a render, that adds an even lighting to the whole scene. The spotlight on the right was placed so that details were more visible - it’s a bit too bright and neutral for the final render, and it casts some odd shadows on Julian’s face.
Literally the only thing I have changed in the image below is the lighting - because of the cast shadows, you can see that it even changes the composition of the image, making it less top-heavy!
I wanted to accomplish three things here: 1) bring focus to his face, 2) warm the scene slightly, and 3) bring up highlights on his hair and skin. So I placed an orange light on his right slightly behind him, and a pinkish light from the opposite side. Then I turned off the ambient lighting. It makes a tremendous difference.
If I zoom out, the studio scene looks like this:
You can just barely see the rim light on the left side of the image as a blue line; it’s partly intersecting with the wall geometry.
...And then I took Julian back into Zbrush to fix a bunch of small things that were bugging me, like his eyepatch. And then I added a little more scene clutter. And then I spent entirely too long trying to get a catchlight in his eye - difficult, because it has to be a reflection from something that is actually present in the scene. His eyes have layers of geometry that represent the moisture of the eye, causing it to reflect light just like the real thing. And then I moved the lights some more to fix weird shadows...
This kind of fiddling often takes up the lion’s share of my time! Truly, the devil is in the details.
But at long last... we are (probably) ready to do the full render! Here’s the latest preview:
I’ve been rendering at about 1500px wide by 2000px high for most of my stuff - big enough to get some good detail, not so monstrous that it won’t fit on people’s monitors. When there’s a metallic prop like this, I will sometimes use a bloom filter to bring up those fun glowing highlights (I also use it for renders with light-emitting effects like magic sparkles, or renders with a setting/dawning sun to mimic the glare).
Not going to lie, I will usually stop and restart my ‘final’ render several times because I notice things that only show in the full-resolution render (not these little low-res Viewport snapshots). And even then, I may have to go into GIMP afterward to fix ‘fireflies’ (overly bright pixels that often appear on hair and shiny items), adjust contrast, and of course apply my watermark (I’ve experienced art theft in the past and it’s... not fun).
Next time: the finished render!
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Decided to go ahead and design the older version of the Traffic Light Trio, plus some more characters.
These are designs for when the kids will become the new “rulers” (however that doesn’t stop to FFM). It’s pretty easy to figure out why I did an old version for Zan too, she is part of their little family.
But I did one for LBD’s host too because I decided that, regardless of what will happen in canon with season 3, I wanted her to be part of this AU.
In here Bai He (name courtesy of @skellebonez) had no memories of who she was before being turned into LBD’s puppet. She didn’t know her family or remember her name, and Mei had to give her one after the first week of spending time with her because no one wanted to keep calling her “the girl” or just “kid”.
So she stayed with MK’s found family.
Even tho she was freed from LBD, she didn’t get out of it completely untouched. Physically, the only thing that changed was her eyes that had turned into a dark shade of blue when once they had been brown. Bai is also cold to the touch. Not to an alarming point, but that did develop into her easily clinging to warm people (namely, Red Son and Wukong).
But she also retained some of the spirit’s ability, specifically, that weird “panic attack” inducing power. She is however terrified of using it and only does so in an extreme situation.
Her implement into the found family wasn’t completely smooth tho, for one reason: Macaque.
Because here is the thing: In this AU, Macaque was first used as a test subject for LBD's experiment (he is the closest thing to a copy of Wukong, so if she wanted to do anything to one monkey, she had to be able to do it to the other as well) and then used by LBD to fight Wukong like a puppet on strings, and he did not like that in the slightest!
So, Bai’s sole presence was enough to infuriate him, even if he knew it wasn’t her fault. She was just a mortal kid when LBD took her, even if she did put up a fight it would have been useless.
But it takes a while for Mac to realize that “ Oh shit. This child is just as traumatized as me by this whole thing”.
But despite Macaque’s stubbornness, he did realize he was taking it out on someone who was just another victim, and it was probably helped by the fact that Bai would stay near warm people.
And while both Red and Wukong have no problem with that, Wukong is the one she ends up spending the most time with because he feels especially guilty because he didn’t destroy LBD when he could and this kid (and his other kids) paid the consequences.
So, because Bai spent a lot of time with the Monkey King, she had to spend time with Mac as well. And while the kid doesn’t remember everything that happened while being possessed, she knows what LBD did to Macaque and she is scared that the dark monkey would take revenge on her, so she’s also not too happy to spend time with him.
But they do end up going past their fear and develop some form of mutual respect. They basically end up bonding over being traumatized by the same spirit and “No Peaches I did not adopt anyone SHUT UP”
Also, I should probably mention that the youngest of the kids still has a triple-digit as number
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I have a lot of headcanons, but here's my five main ones: arospec B! Kaede, nonbinary B! Shuichi, panromantic B! Angie, trans B! Kaito, and agender B! Tsumugi (who needs a gender when you have quantum physics to figure out /j).
Holy shit that's a lot of headcanons. Anyway
Arospec Kaede: 9.5/10
I can vibe with that! I do wonder if your idea of this headcanon was "Fuck Kaemaki" tho.
If she still feels romantic attraction to some extent (demi? grey?), then the ship would be interesting to think about. Since I had originally imagined Kaede falling for Maki first, perhaps with this HC, the situation changes. Maybe Kaede figures where she is on the aro spectrum in the process?
Overall I can see where you're coming from. Nice take!
Nonbinary Shuichi: 9/10
After turning this headcanon upside down like 79 times, I think this is something that I’m starting to like a lot. Is it the vibes? Is it the fact that I built Shuichi a backstory that could make them a fully out of the closet enby? Who knows.
I already stated that the Saihara family doesn’t really care how you identify as. Just keep the music going and we good. Perhaps the elders might have some trouble at first, but they would make an effort for their sweet little violinist bean.
Yea I’m completely vibing with it.
Panromantic Angie: 10/10
Angie’s already canon pansexual here, so why not just throw panromantic into the mix.
I don’t have much to say about this one since, well, it doesn’t add much to canon. She deserves the guys, the gals and the pals, and most importantly, a healthy relationship with a loving partner.
Trans Kaito: 10/10
Welp. Ding dong, we got a winner. The other god tier trans headcanon in my eyes. Wanna go on a date or smthn
Yea I just love the headcanon, fight me. In the AU, the guy has a father figure who is trans, what’s better than headcanoning Kaito himself as trans? Like father like son as they say.
I don’t think his grandparents would understand his problems and instead think at first that it’s just his tomboy girl phase. More ignorance than malice on their part. But they wouldn’t be able to help him properly, leading Kaito to do stuff like (badly) cutting his hair himself, always dragging his grandparents in the boys toys aisle at the store, and mostly doing things his way like a stubborn little shit to cope with absolutely everything (Am I blaming him? Absolutely not).
He meets one of the gang members because he wants to ride a bike, but the guy refuses to let him join because 1. He’s like 11 and 2. Man gang doesn’t accept little girls, but when he says he wants to be a man, the biker is just like “Boss you might wanna see this”
And thus starts a new and better life for him since he gets to have a brand new parental figure who understands 100% of his struggles and is able to help him become the full-ass man he wants to be.
What do you mean I never posted Kaito’s entire backstory and none of yall aside from one (1) person understand what the fuck I’m talking about?
Agender Tsumugi: 7.5/10
Yea we went from the 9s and 10s to a 7.5. I have nothing against this headcanon, really, but compared to some of the takes I’ve seen, I would say it’s fine.
I mean, it’s pretty neat to think about Tsumugi not being cisgender because then they’ll just proceed to explore their gender like the freaking scientist they are. And of course it works... partially. They would still get bopped on the head by Miu because yes, online forums are indeed a ‘reliable source’ when it comes to that.
Overall, a nice headcanon.
Suggest a Beta AU pride HC and I’ll judge it!
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I've recently been struggling with HYPERVIGILANCE. That means that, in certain situations, my awareness of my surroundings is extremely high and active which makes me overreact to trivial stimuli.
See that happy lil blob? That blob is me. I'm in my comfort zone, where I can rest and heal from whatever happens in the outside world. It's a dim, comfortable, quiet mental place.
Sometimes, I have to get out of my comfort zone to explore interesting things or potential threats. For example if I'm in a bus and there's a kid that's walking around I'll stay alert in case the bus stops too quickly and the kid falls. I've caught a few little ones before they fell thanks to that!
Going outside of the comfybox means I may be hurt or exhausted, but that's fine because I can always retreat afterwards and rest or heal. Usually, I mean.
Now, because of recent intense trauma (sickness, death of my father, assault, hospitalization of my grandfather, pets health issues, all of that in the span of a month) my mind has decided to go in full red alert all the time.
The blob, as you can see, has been stretched thin to cover the most possible ground. That's what HYPERVIGILANCE feels like. I hear everything, I see everything, I feel everything. And everything is a potential danger.
It mostly happens at home, which sucks. Whenever I hear one of my pets make noise, I get a spike of adrenaline. It doesn't have to be a typical there's-a-problem noise, sneezing, scratching, moving in their sleep... My brain always seems to think there's a big issue and I need to check it out right away!
Because the blob is so stretched out, its surface is very thin and fragile. Any little thing it comes in contact with can deal some serious damage (aka energy loss, high anxiety, depressive episode... based on almost nothing). And because it's almost constant, I can't retreat in my comfort zone for healing. Or, at least, not long enough for it to really help.
I'm worried my inner blob will end up full of holes and cuts and dirt that it'll bring back into the comfybox, tainting it. Or that it'll lose its shape, which would mean my personality would somewhat change and I wouldn't be the same.
Mindfulness and CBT would probably be my best bet and I'll try that, but here are my concerns so far:
1) I got assaulted because I didn't pay attention, because I was too deep into my inner world and ignored the guy that was talking to me. Therefore, there's a part of me that thinks I can't allow myself to be in my comfort zone anymore because that'd put me in danger.
2) It's thanks to my usual vigilance that I caught one of my ferrets right before he escaped (strange noise -> I investigate -> I see him on the verge of escaping -> I run and grab him before he leaves), and realized another one was sick before it became really bad. How can I allow myself to lower my vigilance ? Even though I know it's too much at the moment, I feel like it would be dangerous to lower my guard.
3) When HYPERVIGILANCE takes over, both my body and my mind are very uncomfortable, which makes mindfulness or CBT very difficult to use. I just want to flee whatever makes me anxious (...which means home, at the moment) and only then I can reflect upon what happened. Coming back to my body when I'm dealing with a 9/10 anxiety level is really not easy.
So, that's it! I hope you enjoyed reading about the blob and its comfybox. Let me know what you think!
Tagged by @withercrown ! Never saw this one before and it's really cool!
Name: Tehei (I'm svartalfheimr or svar for short on the internet dot com)
Fandoms: currently stuck in Star Wars, dabbling in Tenet and Venom :)
Two-shot: a lot are posted, but all anonymously now.
Most popular multichapter: by far one from 2018 that's anonymous now; I think it's a combination of posting it when the fandom was booming, pioneering the ship tag and just the volume of words. I still get comments to my inbox so I guess it still gets interest! For the not anonymous fics, A Beach on Murkhana, 19 BBY is my most popular under svartalfheimr!
Actual worst part of writing: posting, actually! All the rest is fun; posting is difficult and I tend to write complete works without never posting anything for them. If I post though I always complete them but it takes Time for me to click the post button and realize It's Ok Nothing Bad Happened smh
How you choose your titles: either something catchy or easy to remember. Or sometimes just because I think it's fun. If it's lyrics or poetry it has to be short and concise. If it's part of a series the titles follow the same pattern (eg all my 928 Margarita verse are similar: 'Cargo transport 316', 'Shuttle 2049', 'Space Station NS-379', 'Cell 1138'...)
Do you outline: the only time I did was for A Beach on Murkhana, 19 BBY because the plot was...uhhh Something. I needed to be certain what each character was aware of at anytime, where they actually were, who they were and if they were real at the time. I was the pepe silvia meme for a couple of months because of this djxksjskjs
Ideas I probably won't get around to, but wouldn't it be nice?: the very, very long kixthano & maulrex fic following two timelines from their first meetings to their deaths. It's just a study of Kierkegaardian existentialism in a hyperreal world disguised as a Star Wars fic. There's also the sequel to one of my supershield fics that I've been thinking about for years but won't ever write djdjsjsjsns
Callouts @ me: ✨shut up✨ao3 said you posted half a million words for Star Wars fic in a year,,,blease shut up (also. Post the thing it's been months just do it it won't change anything; nothing will explode and everything will be fine)
Best writing traits: :) you never thought about this pairing before but now :) now you do <3
Spicy tangential opinion: <- I filter those because I donut care enough about fandom. I ain't reading all that; I'm happy for u tho or sorry that happened
NPT: @aces-to-apples @call-me-cee @elouanwrites @jasondont @kazhan @littledumplingwrites @mandalorianbrainweasel @reyiosa @silverxsakura @voxmyriad @youbitehard
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