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quillsareswords · 3 years

Text

1:20

Damian Wayne x reader

SUMMARY: You're lucky you've memorized Robin's schedule: it might me the only saving grace you've got left.

WARNINGS: blood, near-death

Master List in bio

It's 1:20 on a Tuesday morning in early June.

Gotham never really gets hot, but the humidity suffocates anything that might think that's a relief. You didn't check the weather this evening. You probably should have.

It's 1:20 on a Tuesday morning. He's gonna be here. You've had mixed feelings about knowing his schedule this well in the past, but now it's the deciding factor of your fate.

It's 1:20. That means you've been bleeding like a stuck pig for ten straight minutes, even if it feels like it's been hours. Or seconds. You don't really know anymore. You're getting dizzy.

So you've leaned against the wall. Some little roof access point that stands tall above the gravel covering the rooftop. The brick digs into your shoulder, even through your jacket.

You're starting to think you've gotten it wrong. Or maybe he just didn't show today. Maybe you're out of luck this time.

It was dumb. Stupid to think that you could stop this. Stupid to think you would end any way other than alone.

It was on purpose, after all. Isolation, that is. You pushed and shoved everyone away with a friendly smile and kept them at arm's length, lest they wiggle their claws beneath your mask and expose you for every ugly thing you are.

You're a mole. An informant. Someone who plays every side all at once and somehow manages to stay neutral the whole time. You've been passing tips to the Bats for months now, means be damned. Trust was meager between you, but what little there is is mutual.

You'd hoped it'd be your saving grace. Hoped the side playing would leave you with at least one friend, even though it was the entire reason you're in this position in the first place. You had hoped your downfall would save you.

He appears before you two minutes late. 1:22 in the morning and he's late. He doesn't seem to have noticed you, a few feet away, surveying the street below him like it's his job (and it is), with his back to you.

"You're late, Birdy." Your voice comes quieter and rougher than it should, and the force it takes nearly sends you to the ground.

He spins around at the sound, hand already curled around the hilt of his sword by the time he faces you. He says your name lowly, like a warning, like always. His posture relaxes nonetheless. "You come with useful advice, I expect. The skirmish by the docks sounded quick, but Batman thinks–"

"I didn't know where else to go," you say suddenly, because you already know you aren't going to be conscious long enough for this conversation.

The effort gets you this time. Your knees, shaky as they've been, finally give out. You understand, and you forgive them; they carried you all the way here, after all. Your body turns on the way down, back of your jacket scraping terribly against the brick as your heels slide through the gravel. The noise you make is somewhere between a groan and a cry.

It rips the breath out of his lungs. Your name is in his mouth again as he drops to his knees beside you, gloved hands already pawing at the hand you have clamped around the knife still sheathed into your side.

"What happened?" he demands, and he's reaching for his pager with the other hand. "Who did this?"

You're too focused on the way your first name sounds in his voice. There's something nice about the way he spaces the syllables.

He says it again, all panic and worry, like he hasn't the time to mask it anymore.

You wonder for a moment if it has anything to do with his lingering stares and gruff get home safe's.

But then he's shaking your shoulder and you're wincing because it's bruised beneath the jacket.

"Stay awake, hey, stay with me. Batman is on his way. We'll fix this." There's a pause where he's sucking in a deep breath and you're trying to focus on his voice. "You're going to be fine."

You think it's a little funny. You managed to get all the way here, up a goddamn fire escape, but the moment you think he's got you, you lose all ability to keep yourself upright. You just want to sleep. You want to lay down and take a nice, long nap.

You hate to admit that it just might be because you trust him more than anyone else you know. You've only known him for a few months, but you're sure that you're safest with him. You're safe with him.

It shouldn't be much of a comfort, with Death staring you down like a lion on it's last meal. You won't need protecting if your decline doesn't level out soon. It's surprising what such little comfort feels like when you're staring Death down like a gazelle with an attitude problem.

You don't remember being moved. Or how you ended up in a medical bed with stiff, scratchy sheets and a nearly flat pillow. You do remember hearing Damian's voice, fading in and our with your consciousness. The words are all garbled and quiet, but you know the recall the sound.

Alfred is the first person you see. He's unfamiliar, but he introduces himself and offers you a warm smile and a glass of water. He brings you a bowl of soup and hands you a bottle of painkillers and another of antibiotics.

You fall asleep again, listening to some little body of water just outside the white room you're settled in.

When you wake up, it's to the sound of an argument. Batman and Robin. It's hushed, angry and patient whispers back and forth, but it's an argument all the same. You've heard them bicker enough over the last few months to recognize it.

You can't quite make it out. You hear your name a few times, something about time, something about healing, something about help. Batman finishes it.

Robin swings the squeaky door open a few moments later.

He stops halfway into the room when he sees you're awake.

You wiggle your way up the mattress to lean against the pillows behind you. "Birdy."

He sighs. "You nearly bleed out in my arms and that's how you greet me?"

He doesn't sound quite right. A little deflated, maybe. Relieved? As if he'd been holding his breath before he entered the room, and just remembered how to breathe when he caught your eye.

Course, you can't be sure he caught it at all, with those white lenses.

You cock a shoulder. "I'm sure you've seen worse. I'm sure I'll have worse."

His posture shifts as he crosses the room. He shakes his head. "That's not funny."

"It's kind of funny," you try, throwing the best carefree smile you can manage when everything beneath your skin is so sore. "I'm the one who was bleeding, that means I'm allowed to make all the jokes I want."

"That's an unhealthy coping mechanism."

"So is dressing up in red and yellow and calling yourself a bird."

His shoulders drop again. You think you might see a smile, but he turns his head away too quickly. "You should be more careful. I can't always be there to drag you out of every fire, you know."

You cross your arms, raising both knees to take some pressure off of your abdomen. He takes it as an invitation and makes himself comfortable in the chair beside the bed. He finds a comfortable position with a little too much familiarity. "I don't expect you to. I wouldn't have even been there if I wasn't getting information for you."

"For Batman–"

"Potato, pa-tot-oh."

He goes rigid again. "I never would have asked you to put yourself in danger like that."

It's defensive. Appalled, almost. Offended.

You don't know how to reply. That doesn't seem to matter though, because he's not done.

"And even if I had, I would have gone with you. I would have made sure you had backup, I would have– this never would have happened."

There's a certain distain in his tone that catches you off guard. A resentment, toward you or his partner you aren't totally sure.

He runs gloved fingers through slick black hair. Heaves a breath. Pushes himself to his feet. Falsely composed. "You may stay as long as you need. Alfred will take care of you."

"Where are you going?" It slips out before you can stop it. And perhaps you could play if off as a standard question—you are in an unfamiliar place, with unfamiliar people, aside from him—but it's much too quick. It sounds a little too much like don't leave me.

And you know he hears it too, because he turns back around so quickly you wonder if he even considered it. "Patrol. It's Wednesday night." And yet he makes to move to leave.

You nod. "Right. Yeah. You're, uh, what? You're over by the city museum tonight, aren't you?" You want to smack yourself. What are you doing, making small talk? He's got places to be, people to save.

"Yes." The top seal of his mask flexes when he raises an eyebrow.

You nod again. An awkward smile on your lips. "I, uh, I didn't know how to feel about knowing where you'd be most of the week, but I guess I'm glad I do. Saved my skin last night, didn't it?"

He drawls in a deep breath. "Suppose it did."

There's a long pause. You aren't sure if you're breathing, but you're sure he isn't. He looks tense, like he's torn between saying something and leaving, body angled not quite toward you.

"You can always come to me," he says suddenly. He must read something on your face, because he tumbles straight into the next sentence. "Last night, you said you didn't know who to go to. I'm telling you now, you can always come to me. I'll fix it, whatever it is."

His voice is tight. A little unsure, but not in the statement. Like a hiker on a rocky trail; unsure of his footing, but certain in his destination.

There's something else in his words. Something scrawled between the lines in thin, fragile letters. Something deeper than wounds and needing backup.

I'll fix it, whatever it is.

Your heart rate picks up, and the heart monitor reveals your secrets on the screen beside you. What it can't reveal is the way the poor organ soars, throwing itself to the clouds with reckless abandon, completely uncaring of the hard trip back down.

You still don't know how to reply. You'd like to say something witty. A little sarcastic, maybe a smidge mean. He's giving you a glimpse at his heart, beating bloody in his hands, and there's a large part of you that wants to poke it. Nothing too wounding, just enough that he never makes the mistake again.

But you can't help it. There's a much larger part of you that wails, who wants to snatch it from him to shield and cradle, because he obviously can't be trusted with it. Not if he's baring it to you.

The deciding party is the reminder of last night. Dragging yourself up a rusted fire escape, praying to anyone who might listen that he'd be there. That he'd help you. You remember thinking he wouldn't. You remember the thought hanging above you like gravediggers as you settled into a coffin: you pushed everyone away, you don't leave room for those who want to help you.

"Thank you," you attempt, and it comes barely above a whisper. You allow it to be tender. You let it embody the raw little piece of you that utters it; the piece that wants so desperately to let him in. The piece that knew he'd save you. The tender little sliver of soul who still believed you deserved to be trusted and supported. The one who still hopes for meaningful connections, even among your collection of throw-away contacts.

You can see the way he relaxes. The way he melts inside his skin, like he'd been expecting you to poke when you could have. Like it lifts a weight off of him, knowing that you'll trust him enough to come to him in the future.

"I'll be back in a few hours. You should sleep."

You roll your eyes. "Sleep in some weird ass white room I've never been in, surrounded by a bunch if people I barely know. Yeah, I'm sure I'll sleep like a baby."

He recognizes that you aren't entirely serious, but he also recognizes the orange pill bottles on the table beside you. "If Alfred has you on those, I trust you will—no matter where you are."

You chuckle, he offers you the tiniest smile, and then he's gone. Vanished into the rest of whatever strange building he whisked you into.

You should be worried about it. Not knowing where you are, exactly who you're with, who has access to you. But you aren't. And it might be the medication making you compliant, and you'll look back on this in a week and be horrified—or it could be that you've broken all your own rules and thrust all if your trust into the hands of a boy you've never seen without a mask.

#damian wayne #damian wayne imagine #damian wayne x reader

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cancerjupiter · 3 years

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aquarius moon: observations

This placement of the Moon overemphasizes friendliness, humanitarianism and kindness. Your need for emotional independence can lead to loneliness and difficulty with emotional relationships; you may brush these off with indifference. Your feeling nature can be cold because you don’t understand the emotional needs of someone else. You act warm and friendly but not especially intimate.

You likely see your mother as a friend. She raised you to stand on your own feet; she is a humanitarian and not very conservative in her approach.

The power of the Moon is muted in this sign, the greatest effect being to reduce the feeling element from the emotions. Inwardly you are detached, independent and rather cool. Although controlled and bottled up at times, you like others around you to show that they need and want you.

You have a strong sense of self which leads you to take a calculated risk in a career or even in a relationship. Although sensible, you are not over-cautious; therefore, you accept most of life's challenges whether they put your finances or your feelings at risk. This ability to inwardly weigh and measure could confuse to those who fall in love with you because, although you discuss feelings in an articulate manner, one wonders just how much you can actually actually feel.

Your inner nature is off beat. Like Aquarius suns, you are probably educationally minded and will choose a career where you can stretch your mind and also broaden the minds of others.

You are kind, helpful and humanitarian, but this may be directed more towards the world than those closest to you. Although you are helpful in practical ways, there could be embarrassment and helplessness when you’re faced by other people's emotional pain. You are afraid that if you allow people to latch themselves on to you they will drain you or, worse, bore you.

Being strongly independent, you prefer to cope alone with your problems, however self-destructive this may be. You could reject help in case it makes you look weak and incapable. You may even view help as interference. You're not keen on people who try to own or manipulate you, although you can be adept at manipulating others.

I noticed some of you really enjoy cooking by yourselves, though your favorite thing is seeing others eat the stuff you make.

You can take any amount of chaos going on at work, but you need peace in your home, where you can be in control of your own environment (creating chaos for others lol). You enjoy visitors but don't appreciate people who dump themselves on you. Many of you are clever and handy around the house.

Your memory is strangely selective, easily recalling things you find interesting but 'tuning out' the irrelevant details. However, you don't run from really important issues, as you have high standards of honesty. You really need a creative or useful outlet, or you can become bored, depressed or aloof.

Some of you are lazy and too easygoing, especially if there are planets in Libra on your birth chart; yet others can be truly eccentric, especially if there are other planets in Aquarius. Mostly, criticism brushes off you. You have a strong ego, and you feel that everyone is entitled to their own opinion, even opinions of you. You are not likely to change in the face of criticism anyway lol

In close relationships, you are kind and passionate; you could be rather romantic. Aquarius being a fixed sign suggests that you don't easily walk away from situations. You may stay in the same house, the same job, or the same relationship long after when you should move on. However, if the day comes when you move on, you do so decisively, looking mentally forward rather than backward.

If you become bored with your partner, you may look outside the relationship for change and excitement. Your famous Aquarian detachment may allow you to work out logically what would be for the best. You need a stimulating partner. Without shared interests, you would gravitate towards interests of your own, and this would begin allowing the marriage to drift into failure. You can be strangely blind to both the needs and the feelings of those you love. You may never really get to know them on a deep level.

You don’t seem keen to have a large family, but the relationship between lunar Aquarian parents and their children is usually very good. There is a natural sensitivity to the needs of children, and you would offer help without making unfair demands or smothering them. It is just possible that you could expect too much of a shy child, but mostly you make a good parent.

People with fixed Moon signs can cope with a lot. It would take a great deal for you to break up a relationship. In relationships, as in all things, you need freedom and independence, and may show this by being deliberately forgetful, erratic and hard to pin down. If your partner started laying the law down to you and restricting your movements, your first impulse would be to get out of the relationship.

You like sex for its own sake, but are much happier when it’s in a loving relationship. You can adapt sexually to various partners and, personally, my best lover had this moon placement lol.

Your temper can be a problem when you’re young; but later you learn to sit back and control it. However, if hurt, you can wound verbally. There may be a lack of adaptability in your attitude to others. You will only go as far in order to fit in with their wishes. You think that other people ought to take or leave you just as you are.

A lively person who has many outside interests would attract you; if they have the same sense of humour and look nice, even better. Lunar Aquarians of both sexes prefer an equal partnership, and will do all they can to promote the interests and job of the other, even trying to help the partner enjoy their hobbies.

You take work seriously, and don't enjoy changing jobs, preferring to find a career into which you can settle. You are interested in ideas and willing to learn; therefore, you likely do well at school and continue to learn later on. You prefer doing something that’s useful for everyone.

You had a good childhood, mostly. At least your practical needs were certainly attended to, even if there is a poor background.

Your mother may have been a busy woman or poured her energies into some personal interest. Some of you will have had the kind of mother who did little outside the home, making you feel that families are definitely better off when the mother has outside interests. Some Aqua moons had religion shoved down their throats, putting them off it for the rest of their lives, at least formally.

It is possible that you loved your father, but lowkey considered him weak. He may have had poor health. Mother was the more organized and capable parent, especially as far as money is concerned. You probably come from an average family of two or three children, and are the older or more capable one of the group, or of a different gender than the others. They taught you not to make scenes or allow your emotions to annoy others. You could never feel very close to your parents. People who have the Moon in Air signs tend to be rather emotionally self-contained, though, and you may just have been born that way.

#astrology #moon signs #aquarius moon #moon in aquarius #could apply to sun/rising

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embrassemoi · 3 years

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Surrounded by the Moon and Stars ✷ 27

Pairings: Sirius B, Remus L, [F]Reader CW: Spoilers for HP OOTP, blood/injury, bullying, fighting, sexism A/N: There's a scene in here that references Chap 28: Snape's Worst Memory. If you want, go back and read the flashback scene. Everything that happens in the flashback stays the same aside from the addition of the reader.

【 Masterlist: Previous Chapter | Next Chapter 】

Chapter 27: OWLs

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The last month was spent with lessons being devoted to review as the OWLs drew near. McGonagall had given them their examination schedules and went over the procedure for the following weeks during their Transfiguration lessons. She’d gone over the rules; mentioned the ban of Auto-Answer Quills, Remembralls, Self-Correcting Ink and others of the same likes.

Nobody spoke a word to each other. Everyone was rushing to do any sort of last-minute studying. Emmeline kept quizzing James with cue cards but was interrupted as Marlene became too agitated, threatening to throw a shoe, politely, at the couple.

Their first exam, Theory of Charms, was scheduled bright and early for Monday morning and they were all forced to study into the late hours of the night. There was a manic gleam in Lily’s eyes as she re-read sections of her textbook, Remus flicked through The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 5; Sirius and Mary were surprisingly calm as they practiced locomotion charms, Peter was so nervous that he kept dropping his wand. Dorcas had to be given Draught of Peace while Y/N was left practicing incantations under her breath, charming nearly every object in sight for practice. After all, Charms never was her strong suit.

“Fuck it,” Marlene announced, standing up to grab a bottle from their secret stash of Firewhiskey.

“You sure you want to drink that now?”

“I’m not getting pissed, it’s one drink.” Before Marlene had the chance, Remus grabbed the bottle from her hands and took a swig. “That’s against the rules, McKinnon, and you’re underage.”

“Remus John fucking Lupin! Stop abusing your prefect powers!”

But she and Sirius, of course, had their ways of coping with the stress.

“Do you — mmm — think it will be that hard?” Y/N said in between kisses. Sirius was the one to approach her.

Y/N had been doubtful about their situation, considering Sirius was flirting with other girls but they weren’t together. She knew that — she had no claim and besides, she trusted Sirius enough to not lie and deceive her had he been with anyone else.

Sirius’s hands flew down to unbutton her blouse and shrugged off his shirt. “Dunno. I’spouse I’ll get all Exceeds Expectations or Outstandings anyway. Don’t need — ah — to worry.”

Y/N tilted her head away from Sirius who pouted and quickly pressed another kiss. “Maybe you’re the arrogant toe-rag.”

“You’re too mean to me,” sighed Sirius, wearing a bemused smirk. “Watch your mouth. D’you know how many women — nicer women — want my attention but you get it?”

Inwardly, Y/N felt her heart soar. He’d just eased her speculations. “Me? Watch it?”

“Don’t act like you don’t like it.”

“Fine,” Y/N then peeled herself off of him, buttoning her clothes neatly. Her lips twitched up in a knowing smirk. “Be like that then.” And then she walked out the door, leaving Sirius to whine and chase after her.

“Wait — I didn’t mean that — wait! L/N! Come back, please?”

She was growing really fond of Sirius. Even hearing his name made her heart flutter.

When Y/N finally went to bed, she remembered about the career consultation she had with McGonagall and her persistence in helping her become a Healer. It left her wide awake.

That morning was deathly quiet as Professor McGonagall stood in front of them in the Great Hall as desks were lined in neat rows. Her eyes scanned every student before her hand went to grab the large hourglass sitting on the desk beside her along with any spare quills, parchment, ink bottles.

“You may begin.” McGonagall turned over the hourglass and Y/N heard the flipping of papers. Her heart thumped in her chest as she took one last glance up and then lowered her eyes on the paper and began to read…

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June 8th, 1976

Maybe it was the combination of the sun beating down on their backs or the tension from the recent surge of Death Eater attacks or stress levels rising from OWLs and future NEWTs, but everyone was on edge that day.

Y/N was hiding in her little nook under the tapestry, watching the sun reflect on the water, glistening and calm before she rolled over, deciding to slip out. Yes, while it may be for her safety, being stuck with a partner to go everywhere was annoying and began to grind on her teeth. There was never a moment to be alone anymore, especially not with the stalking map.

They'd just completed their Defense Against the Dark Arts exam. So far, Y/N thought Potions was by far the easiest examination, aside from Herbology. She wasn’t looking forward to Transfigurations…

But as she roamed the halls, fanning herself with her review notes and debating if she should go find Regulus, a few students ran in the opposite direction. Their faces were filled with curiosity and surprise. Some giggled, others gossiped and a few gave Y/N questioning looks.

In fact, so many students were following the rest. A student, most likely a third year, came running past Y/N before she stopped them. “Excuse me, is there something going on today?”

“Oh!” A look of recognition crossed the student. “You’re Lupin’s girlfriend, right?”

“Sure... Why?” “Something’s going on by the lake with the Marauders.”

Y/N navigated her way through the crowd and out to the courtyard. Under a beech tree near the edge of the Black Lake where she and Regulus had spent their day trying to swim, stood a group of students. All wore different coloured robes, huddling together in a large circle. Distantly, she could hear a faint buzzing and caughten a glimpse of gold. A golden Snitch.

She pushed her way through the students. Amid the circle, there was a flash of familiar dark red hair and Lily’s voice. “You make me SICK.”

Lily stepped out of the circle and the only thing Y/N heard was James’ bombing voice shouting after her. “Hey, EVANS!”

Angry tears threatened to spill down as Lily ran away. From the corner of her eye, she watched as Emmeline stormed out quietly, but unlike Lily, tears were freely streaming down. Y/N could hardly see over the bodies and faces of the crowd as they pushed and bumped into each other.

She was about to chase after Lily until the bright flashing of lights caught her attention. A gasp went around and there in the air was Snape, hanging upside down with only gray underpants waist down. Pink soup buds were all over his face and mouth and Sirius could be heard saying something.

“Who wants to see me take off Snivelly’s pants?” James taunts, talking to the crowd. A large gash was on his cheek, blood cascading down and droplets sprayed on his robes. A loud round of cheers went round.

Remus finally stepped in hesitantly, whispering into James’ ear as his hand clutched his forearm, lowering his wand. Whatever he must’ve said to James finally kicked in as Snape thudded to the ground. She caught Sirius’gaze who went to open his mouth but it was too late as she turned around.

They hadn’t listened to her. They went looking for revenge.

There will be another time to be cross. Her priority was to find Lily.

She ran through the corridors and passed by an elf going to start preparing for dinner before stopping them. She had an idea.

“Please, is there any way you can get Jelly slugs in the next couple of minutes and bring them to Gryffindor's common room?” The elf gave a curt nod.

Y/N bolted up to her dorm and there, a bag filled with Jelly slugs was left on a nearby table as she snatched it. She knocked a few times on the door, hearing Lily’s sniffling. “Can I come in?” There was a faint yes.

As she opened the door and closed it, Lily didn’t face her, but instead let out a bitter, “Are you going to say ‘I told you so?’ ” Y/N cautioned. This was already the most either had spoken to each other in a month.

“Do you want me to?”

Lily let out a weak laugh. Y/N rounded on her, coming to sit on the edge of her bed. It stayed quiet until Lily spoke again.

“I’d known that our... friendship was falling apart. But I thought — I thought maybe… he would change? I thought… he cared about me.” Lily finally broke as tears came cascading down her face.

Her heart ached at the scene and opened her arms wide to let Lily hug her. Her head fell into the crook of Y/N’s neck as she wept and she was there to hold her until she stopped crying. In a muffled voice and through thick tears, Lily explained what had happened and Y/N swelled with ferocity.

“I’m sorry…” She muffled into her.

Y/N’s lips pulled into a tight, uncomfortable smile. She only wished Lily didn’t have to go through that to realize Snape wasn’t good. “I’m sorry too.”

Lily pulled away, still leaning on her as Y/N floated a box of tissues their way.

“I brought you something. It’s silly but…”

She took out the Jelly Slugs. Lily wiped her tears away and took the bag, studying it for a while. Lily gave a half cry, half laugh and went to hug her again. They stayed like that for a while.

Nightfall came and Lily refused to leave the common room, wanting to avoid the Marauders and the other students there at the lake. Marlene and Dorcas stopped by with food for them but kept their distance, knowing that Lily wanted to be alone.

There was a soft knocking on the door, Y/N got up to answer it. Mary was there. She looked tired, but that's all Mary had been looking like these days.

“Mary?” Lily asked, “What is it?”

“It's… Snape. He’s been sitting outside Gryffindor’s portrait for hours now.”

There was a shift in Lily who immediately got up, pushed past them without a word and marched down the stairs; gripping her wand with full force. Both students gulped, knowing not to get in her way.

Mary then turned to her, “Potter asked to speak with you. He’s asking to meet at his dorm.”

And that’s exactly what she did. Y/N stomped up to his dorm. Waves of rage followed off of her as she swung the door open.

“Lupin, Pettigrew, you should leave.” Her voice was void of emotions, empty, like a machine, as she stared down at Sirius and James. From what Lily said and the little she saw, she wasn’t mad at them.

Not only had James and Sirius broken their promise, their cruelty reached a new high, causing the mess that they were all currently in, but Sirius had also broken the little trust she’d given him. Admittedly though, a part of her anger stemmed more from Lily’s behalf.

Snape, by every means, deserved payback. But the way it was handled… James and Sirius might as well be the same as Snape. A prank, a hex, a couple of jinxes were great, but had James gone further like he said…

“What the fuck did I tell you.” At her tone, they both seemed to flinch.

“He deserved it!” Sirius said, standing up.

Y/N ignored him, continuing to stare at James. It only then occurred to him that she wanted an answer. She expected more from him than she did Sirius.

“He called you and Evans a you-know-what. Then physically harmed you and Moony — and then everything else. Why are you angry? He’s a daft —”

“Daft?” Y/N mocked, “I gave you one job —”

Sirius laughed in blatant disbelief, “He’s right!”

“Silencio.” Sirius went mute and she turned back to James. “What were you trying to do?”

He scoffed, “I was trying to get him back. He doesn’t get to treat you like that and not get any sort of repercussion.” James folded his arms. “You seemed fine with the pranks, what’s your problem now?”

“I’m fine with pranks because typically you and your boy-band prank a group for laughs. Even if he deserved it, you already crossed a line by pulling his pants down! Had you pulled off another layer —” “I wasn’t really going to do that!”

“How would I know that?” Then she whipped around to Sirius. “And you! I trusted you not to go do something stupid!”

James looked at them confused. She unmuted him. Sirius was not having it.

“You’re up yourself. Get off your high horse — white knight shit!” “Do you want me to mute you again?”

Y/N sighed, walking to sit on Remus’ bed while both Sirius and James defended their actions. She wanted to throttle them.

“Pureblood snobs,” she said out loud. “You do realize that if anything, you just fueled Snape even more? I don’t doubt that now we all have targets on our backs because of your little stunt.” The idea of what Snape was willing to do now after severing ties from Lily only scared her. She was reminded that yes, Snape was a highly skilled wizard, known for his hexes, fondness of dark magic, lingering with wannabe death eaters…

They both gaped. “We didn’t think of it like that —” “Because you don’t have to think about it! You made it worse!”

It was silent after that, as the implication of what she said sunk in.

“I —” Sirius sputtered.

James sighed, going to sit on Peter’s bed across. “I’ll make it right.” He wore a large white bandage, sliced open from Snape. Man, fuck Snape.

“Fucking idiots,” she breathed out. She tried to ease the anger from her system entirely. Instead of fighting, she left the room wordlessly and went back to her dorm.

━━━━━━━━━༻☽༺━━━━━━━━━

June 12th, 1976

They’d just finished their Astronomy examinations which were held at night. The moon light was faint, ready to reach its peak in a few hours.

After Snape’s incident, Lily had given James the brunt of her anger. She gave him detention for the rest of the year with Professor Binns. Sirius had been given a good earful while she left Peter alone. Even Remus got a scolding for not stepping in and using his prefect influence.

Y/N had taken some time away from the Marauders, mostly out of respect for Lily who rightfully was upset about the entire ordeal. But with how the sections of the exam were taken, they were split into different towers; the girls in one tower, Y/N and the Marauders in another. She was forced to walk with them, because of their wonderful agreement: partners.

James was remorseful, along with Sirius who pulled her into a broom closet multiple times to apologize.

James, overall, was fairly beat up. After their squabble, the Snape incident, he and Emmeline had broken up. It had shocked her, confused as to why they broke up until Marlene chimed in; he’d asked Lily on a date during the Snape incident.

If it could get any worse…

Y/N decided to stay by Remus and Peter as they walked back to the common room.

Remus clenched his eyes shut every so often. He appeared to be in pain. His complexion was so pale she swore she could see the veins flowing with blood. It was as if his skin was not quite opaque but stretched thinly just enough to cover him. The muted light from the moon shone on his skin as a vein strained against his neck; waterline rimmed red, lips parted to suck in air like it was a struggle. She would’ve been worried, standing so close to Remus as his chest heaved, had he not looked like he commanded every inch of his body.

Remus was… alluring in the lighting. But his breathing hitched and everyone’s head rotated towards him.

“Are you —” She started.

“I’m fine,” he lashed. His tongue poked out to swipe across his teeth, gazing up to a nearby window. Alway the moon’s most watchful admirer.

The Marauders looked at each other.

“Alright,” Peter chimed, breaking the tension. “Moony’s been feeling down today. I’m going to take him to the hospital wing.”

James nodded, speaking cautiously. “Whiskers, let’s go?”

She shook her head. “I’ll walk back — go with him.” Remus needed their assistance more. There was this gaze in his eyes, golden and gleamed in the low light. It was like he was looking straight past them.

James shook his head. “No, we all stay in groups. It’s safer — for all of us.”

No, it’s safer for me. James and Sirius were fine, it was just her that needed the protection and the very thought made her sick.

They walked with her, stopping at the edge of the hall leading to the common room; both in a rush and Y/N didn’t want to hold them back anymore from Remus. They bid their goodbyes and James walked in front, leaving Sirius behind who gave a small smile and left.

She turned and walked to the portrait and there, sitting on the ground for the fifth time since that day; Snape.

“Get lost,” she snapped. “Lily doesn’t want to talk to you — let alone see you.”

As she was about to step into the portrait, Snape muttered, “Stupid Muggle.”

“Maybe if you washed your fucking hair for once, Lily would’ve returned your feelings. Go fuck yourself.” She hurled, wheeling around. Waves of rage flowed throughout her body as the boy stared at her, flooding with wrath.

The remark was his breaking point as he slipped his wand from his sleeves, his face pulled downwards in a sneer as he walked towards her. Before she could retaliate or register what he was doing, Snape already cast a spell. The look in his eyes told her to be scared.

Y/N flew backwards, thrown against the stone wall behind her as she fell onto the corridor floor. Her head slammed against the wall, hard. The impact was so great that the stone was covered in her blood, some of her hair caught onto the jagged edges. It was dizzying and she couldn’t properly think straight. She went to reach for her wand but saw it rolled a few feet away.

“Filthy Mudblood. I always wondered why a bunch of Purebloods would cling to you. Do they feel pity? Or are the rumours true and you’re their toy?”

Snape had bent down, wand digging sharply into Y/N’s neck. She mustered all the strength she had, yelling, “JAMES!”

“Pathetic,” he spits, “Can’t handle poor ickle Snivellus Snape?”

There was a loud ringing in her ears and her vision seemed to blur. She tried to push Snape away but instead, he pushed her against the wall roughly, her head slamming yet again. She cried out, tears now pouring from the hot white pain that shot right through her skull.

“James! J-James — Sirius…”

She could faintly hear the Fat Lady yell in the background, yelling at Snape to stop but. But he raised his wand, incantations ready to spill from his tongue as a bright red beam shot out from the darkness.

“Stupefy!” Instead of James, Sirius stood tall as he held Snape’s wand.

“Ah, the boyfriend — I mean, the other boyfriend. Well, Black, you need to start keeping her on a leash.”

Y/N was too disorientated to even understand what Snape was saying. Her head bled as she fought the urge to close her eyes. Sirius’ eyes were wide with terror as he stared down at Y/N as he digested Snape’s words.

Strangely, Sirius was quiet as he glared at Snape; chest heaving as if he was holding back.

“I’m surprised, really��” He flashed his menacing sharp teeth. “I thought it was a full moon tonight.” He grinned ear to ear, thrilled that had the upper hand now. All the colour from Sirius’ face drained in a second, completely caught off guard as the greasy-hair boy used this to his advantage. Using wandless magic, Snape pried his wand back from Sirius’ grip and quickly rose to his feet; wand pointed as he rounded him.

Snape continued, “Is that why your mates aren’t here? Helping that mutt of yours? Tell me, is he an experiment? Keepin’ him around for when you get bored.

“I bet you get bored often. What’s it like, having no family to return to?”

She didn't have time to even blink as two bolts of red came spurting out of each wizard's wand. Flashes of light illuminated each boy as sparks crashed together. The sound had Y/N scrambling towards her wand which landed a few meters away. Finally grasping her wand, she points it directly at Snape.

"Expelliarmus!" The last bit of energy she had was released, dropping her wand by her side as Snape's wand flew behind him. Sirius had walked up to him as he delivered a sharp punch to his nose and shoved him against the wall behind.

“Petrificus Totalus!” Sirius shouted. Snape became still, rigid in his hold.

"Why don't you take a trip down to the Whomping Willow tonight." Sirius muttered a counterspell as Snape picked his wand up and ran. “Deactivate the tree.”

As the echo of footsteps hushed, Sirius walks toward Y/N, taking her wand and his before shoving them into his pocket as he proceeds to lift her bridal style from the ground. She could feel the wandless magic he was using to help lift her, to avoid hurting her anymore. Before she could say anything, the pain in her nerves intensified. She felt like she was on fire. Sounds of whines and high moans left her mouth as Sirius began to panic, his feet surging forward as he ran towards the hospital wing.

“Hey, you’re okay,” Sirius whispered, but it was directed more to himself rather than Y/N. She scarcely noticed him squeezing her hand gently. “You’re okay darling.”

Her arms felt heavy and darkness rushed over her like a thick blindfold as the last thing she saw were tears blurring Sirius’ vision, his body shivering in adrenaline.

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ravenadottir · 3 years

Text

a rocco route

so much love for rocco on my dash got me thinking... what a rocco route would look like if he stayed in the villa on day 8.

everything up to that point could stay the same. his mistakes, the things he and mc say to each other, all of it. perhaps a tweet that would make him think twice though, like:

"______ made a huge mistake. he should've kept in his pants because the girl he dismissed is amazing. he doesn't know what he's missing out."

or something a little more impactful.

rocco anc mc have a dreaded conversation that somehow was provided by bobby, because he would probably tell marisol that no matter how much she likes him, mc deserves an apology.

they occupy a daybed and have a dreaded conversation where rocco might be incredibly lost for words. he makes a comparison to a similar situation he went through before to going to the villa, and there's probably a fun anecdote where he made a huge discovery about himself.

mc can just forgive him, or she can give him a hard time. if he's supposed to stay and be an li, then he'll realize that just because he had feelings for marisol it didn't mean the ones he had for mc were gone.

he's now feeling guilty about the betrayal and tries to find a way of fixing things, but it might be too late. he could be out here making food, mocktails, offering a massage, acting all distracted to pay attention to anyone else that isn't mc.

at the recoupling, mc has the power to pick him. when she does, he shoots an apologetic look at marisol, and that would make her have resentment towards mc.

they have the opportunity to go to the hideaway, and if that happens, rocco might lose his mind over her, because i believe he associates intimacy with love. he's very confused at this point, but the choice of bedding him is yours.

the next day, operation nope happens, which leads me to believe he would be hearing about it sooner than the others. because bobby will ask marisol and she might comment about it with rocco.

he's now worried, that mc would get revenge, and stay put, quietly watching and hoping she won't. if she does, he's disheartened, but doesn't say anything besides "i made a mistake, you made this solely to hurt me, even after what happened between us last night."

he might go to marisol's arms if mc participates actively in the operation. if she doesn't then he's fucked, because now he's sure those feelings are growing stronger every day.

in the meantime, he might've talked it out with gary and apologized for going behind his back, even though he doesn't know it's possible gary had a couple of kisses with mc while they were coupled up.

when chelsea arrives, that's what concerns me, because i really think he would be charmed and that's just another moment that would make mc doubt his loyalty. enough to say something to him.

"no, i made that mistake once. you should know how i feel before thinking i would trade you for someone new."

"rocco... you traded me for someone who was here... i don't know if i can trust you."

"i understand. but i want you to know, i have been rethinking my decisions and the more i do, the more i know for sure you're the girl i want to share this journey with."

things get heated with the tension of operation, and after the disaster recoupling, i would make gary or bobby choose mc, leaving rocco distressed and upset. he could say something to gary like "i thought we had put the past behind us." or if bobby, "that was the snakiest thing you could've done mate, and that's coming from me!"

it depends on who has a higher 'heart score' with mc, and this is the order i would put them in:

jakub = hope

noah = priya

ibrahim = lottie

gary/bobby = chelsea

gary/bobby = mc

rocco = marisol

he's forced to choose marisol, which increases the angst because now he's gonna share the bed with the girl he liked just a few days ago, and who's eager to be with him again.

before anything else happens, casa amor days come, and i would make rocco have the almost fight with the boy that stole mc, and that boy is the one bringing blake back.

mc would have a discussion with them on the roof terrace, and say "i thought you were my friend, and i expected this from rocco, but a betrayal like this coming from you? i don't know if i can forgive you."

at the bean bags the other boys, noah, ibrahim and rocco, are talking and you have the same dialogue. he asks mc for a moment alone and says the same thing the others say on the paid scene. "i missed you, that's all."

during this playthrough i would love to insert some moments where rocco and marisol share the coping of the pool, or the kitchen space while talking, to get that angst high.

the stick or switch brought blake, but the next recoupling is for mc to save someone, and the ones endangered depend on whether mc brings someone or not. if she did:

chelsea stays coupled up with bobby/gary (her partner that stayed loyal)

lottie saves noah

bobby/gary (who stole mc) saves hope

and everyone else goes home, which would be unfair to rocco.

if he left here, i would make him give a really hurt speech. "i thought i could have a second chance, but i understand why you wouldn't be able to trust me again." he sniffs while putting his things in the bag. "i caused this, and i'm really sorry for hurting you. if anything, i brought this on myself."

but if mc stayed loyal, then these islanders are single:

mc // chelsea's partner (bobby/gary) // rocco // lottie

lottie saves noah

mc saves either jakub/elijah or the boy that stole her

chelsea's partner saves hope

rocco saves chelsea (and cmm would make sense, but i digress)

this would be a turning point to make chelsea tell you about her crush, but she doesn't, and tries to shake it off, not saying anything, like she does in the game.

elisa and jo come in, and i think it would be delightful to see how into jo's stories rocco is. same as mc's partner at this point.

once the next recoupling comes, i think it would be feral (but also amazing) to make marisol talk to mc about rocco, because she thinks she has a chance with him. when asked about graham, she responds "graham is nice and all, but i really think i have a shot with rocco."

to which mc would reply "i want him. it's his decision who he wants to be with. we've been through a lot, but i reckon if he likes you, i don't see why i should stay in the way. but marisol, asking me this, after everything that happened, is really selfish. you have someone that likes you, and i should have a chance to be happy."

rocco picks mc, saying "i'm so relieved because i thought you and bobby/gary were getting along... i didn't wanna lose the chance to be with you. already did that once and i'm not gonna repeat my mistakes."

returning!hannah and lurik come, lurik is all over mc, hannah is all over rocco, saying how much she wished she had a shot back then, and that they always shared so much about their vision of what love is.

another angsty moment except rocco is not giving her the time of day, but that's not clear enough for mc to see. he knows if he fucks up, mc is gonna run towards anyone that would take her, which is a lot of people.

after couple trouble, he says 'i love you', and completes with

"i knew it a while ago, i just didn't say anything because i didn't want to scare you, or to put that pressure on you. i know how intense it can be when someone says 'i love you' too soon, and well..." he laughs. "i wanted to do it right."

i would like to see rocco being eager to participate on the 'baby challenge', because i really believe he loves children and would be comparing notes with noah. plus, i know rocco stans would have their uteruses skipping several beats with the edit of him holding the doll in that... thing that carries the doll on their chest lol

i think from here on it's pretty standard. the last date might contain a very sweet speech, but for a rocco stan it would mean the world, because after the mistakes he made, i think this redemption would be great.

everyone in there made mistakes, and the fact that i don't like him doesn't influence on the fact that he was an interesting character. he just had a really short term in there, but if he had stayed, i think his route would be the most flavorful, given marisol would be trying to be with him, and she's charming as fuck!

anyway, hope you rocco stans like this. a post i saw today got me thinking about it and i needed to put it somewhere.

#litg rocco #litg chelsea #litg s2 #litg season 2 #love island the game #love island the game season 2 #fusebox #alternative routes

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specialagentsergio · 3 years

Text

all we can do is keep breathing || chapter two

summary: Spencer’s doing better, but recovery isn’t linear, and some scars run deeper than either of you knew.

pairing: spencer reid x gn!reader

category: angst (eventual happy ending)

content warnings: swearing, drug abuse & addiction, substance use disorder, ptsd, descriptions of panic attacks/ptsd episodes, recollection of past bullying, unhealthy coping mechanisms, yelling/fighting, negative feelings towards other team members, body image issues

a/n: i was so taken aback by the response to chapter one--i didn’t think anyone would even read it tbh. thank you all and thanks for being patient with my lack of an upload schedule. i'm so sorry the word count is massive again. you get tummy appreciation, though, because 1) we all love spencer’s tummy, and 2) i personally gained weight when i was in residential treatment and it can be a bit of a mindfuck lol.

a/n 2: repeated disclaimer that i'm not a doctor, psychologist, psychiatrist, etc., just a direct care staff, past rtc patient and trauma recovery enthusiast. the horse therapy is pretty much entirely based on my own personal experience from nearly a decade ago, so don’t expect it to be an accurate portrayal of equine-assisted psychotherapy.

word count: 7.3k

song: you will be found from dear evan hansen

fic masterlist || masterlist

He’s been looking forward to the start of equine therapy since he got a spot in the program. But instead of being excited the morning of, Spencer ends up crying for an hour straight.

The day started off fine. It wasn’t hard to get up with the horses to look forward to, and he was able to get an extra plate at breakfast, so he could keep the pancake syrup from touching the eggs and sausage. Art therapy was a few hours later. He’d started to actually enjoy the pottery project—the recreational therapist had brought him a box of disposable gloves to use so the feeling of drying clay on his hands was no longer a problem.

Everyone’s projects were coming out of the kiln today and the next step was painting them. He’d been planning out the design and colors he wanted to use since the project started and was excited to finally start applying it.

Then he dropped his item, it broke into pieces, and he burst into tears.

He’d fled the room on instinct alone and curled up in a corner of the hallway, pressing his knees to his forehead. He was upset about the pottery, and upset that he was so affected by it breaking. He felt stupid and silly for crying over it, which only made him cry harder.

He heard distant laughter and he clapped his hands over his ears. He was being laughed at again for being a crybaby. He didn’t want to be a crybaby. He wanted to stop crying, he just couldn’t. The goalpost was cold against the bare skin of his back, and his wrists were starting to burn from the ties.

I want to go home. Just let me go home, please, I’ll do anything. Let me go, let me go--

“Spencer, it’s okay. You’re safe here. Can you repeat after me? I’m safe here.”

Safe here. Safe here.

Art therapy was over by the time he came out of it.

He has lunch at his therapist’s office instead of with the group. Lara asks what his flashback had been to.

He picks at his food. “It happened a long time ago. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Alright. Can you tell me how it felt instead?”

Spencer isn’t really hungry, but bites into his sandwich to stall for time. She doesn’t rush him. Eventually, he asks, “Do you know what alexithymia means?”

“No words for feelings,” she replies.

He nods. “That’s all.”

Lara opens one of her desk drawers and pulls out a composition notebook, which she then hands to him.

“What’s this for?”

“I want you to start trying to notice your feelings and sensations throughout the day. Make some kind of note, even if you don’t exactly have the words to describe it.”

He sighs. “Why?”

“Just noticing what you feel can help you develop emotional regulation,” she explains. She’s always been honest with him about the why of what she wants him to try and do. “It’s going to help you stop ignoring what’s going on inside you.”

I don’t want to do that.

“I know you don’t.”

“I didn’t mean to say that out loud,” he blurts. “That either. I—god.” He quickly takes another bite of food before he can say more.

“It’s fine. I didn’t expect you to like it,” Lara says with a small smile. “I’m sure the thought of confronting what you’ve been suppressing and avoiding is scary. But getting better requires you to do a lot of scary things.”

Spencer wants to protest. Being strapped to a chair in a shed and dosed against your will is scary. Your mother being diagnosed with Alzheimer's is scary. Being sent to prison for a crime you didn’t commit is scary. Feeling things? That’s not scary.

Isn’t it?

He tries not to think on it too much.

Despite the unpleasant thoughts running through his mind, Spencer finds himself nodding off on the van ride to the horse ranch. His eyes unfocus, his blink rate slows… and then he jerks back awake at the sensation of his head falling forward.

A frustrated noise escapes the back of his throat. He’s sick of feeling tired all the time. He’s getting enough sleep in theory, but still finds himself drowsy at least once a day. It’s to the point that he’s regularly wearing his glasses instead of his contacts to keep his eyes from feeling quite so dry. He pushes them back up now as he tries to tune back in to his surroundings.

“… don’t get how seeing some horse is supposed to make me feel better.” That’s Aiden’s voice. He’s Spencer’s new roommate. He wasn’t happy when he found out he was getting a new one, having much preferred having the room to himself, but it’s been okay so far, mostly because they keep out of each other’s way. Aiden seems uninterested in making friends, and that suits Spencer just fine. Lara’s been encouraging him to talk to fellow patients instead of just the direct care staff, but he’s resisted it. The last time he befriended someone, they ended up--

Spencer’s fine with the two of them keeping to themselves.

Melanie, one of the staff accompanying them, is leaned over the back of the middle seat as she talks to Aiden. “Well, I couldn’t tell you why exactly, but I’ve seen this program help a lot of people in my time here,” she says. “Spencer?”

“What?”

“You’ve been reading a lot about horses, right?” At his nod, she continues, “What have you found out?”

“Equine-assisted psychotherapy lacks the rigorous scientific evidence to demonstrate if it provides benefits in mental health treatment. Horses have been used to aid in psychiatric treatment since the 1990’s, though,” he says. He intends to stop there, but can’t stop himself from continuing. “It doesn’t necessarily involve riding, but may include grooming, feeding, and ground exercises. The goal is to help the client in social, emotional, cognitive, and or behavioral ways.”

He can feel Aiden’s eyes on him and takes a breath before meeting them. He knows all too well that his infodumps aren’t always well received. He doesn’t want to be friends, but would prefer for his roommate to not view him with disdain or annoyance. But Aiden looks interested, and says as much--”that’s interesting.” He looks like he wants to say more, but doesn’t, and there’s silence between them for the remainder of the drive. It’s not uncomfortable, though.

When the van pulls into a parking spot and everyone starts to get out, Spencer begins to feel nervous. He’s read everything he could get his hands on, but as a relatively new therapy, there’s no standard program; it varies by facility, so he doesn’t know exactly what to expect. He’s been looking forward to this, but what if it turns out to be a bad fit for him? What if the people here don’t like him? What if the horses don’t like him?

He hangs at the back of their group of ten—six patients and two staff—as they’re led to a shaded area. They’re introduced to the program director and assistants, and are given an overview of what they’ll be doing over the next six weeks. They won’t be riding the horses, just doing groundwork (he’s not sure if he feels relieved or disappointed). Then he learns that intention of this specific program isn’t just for the horses to help the clients—the clients are to help the horses as well. The animals all have the gentle temperaments suited for therapy, but also have their own struggles. A lot of them were adopted out of poor situations.

They’re led to a circular corral next and spaced equidistantly around the edge. Spencer’s heart rate picks up as the horses are brought in—the animals will be picking their therapy partner, the director says. As they’re let off their leads a jolt of anxiety runs through his body, making him twitch slightly. This feels uncomfortably familiar to school P.E. when teams were picked. No one wanted him then. What’s gong to happen if none of the horses want him, either? He looks down at his shoes.

But just a few moments later, he hears his name, and looks up to see one of the horses approaching him. “Looks like you and Chance are our first pair,” the director is saying.

First?

Chance is almost entirely black, save for a spot of white between his eyes and above his nose. His size is a little intimidating, but his demeanor is gentle. One of the assistants comes up to Spencer and instructs him to hold out his hand so the horse can sniff it.

His hand trembles slightly as he lifts it. Warm breath hits his fingers as Chance sniffs at it. Then the horse presses his nose completely against his hand. The moistness would usually bother Spencer, but for some reason it doesn’t. Instead, a smile slowly spreads across his face. The assistant tells him he can pet Chance now. He runs his hand up and down the horse’s snout, and despite the slight coarseness of the hair, finds it soothing.

The horse shuffles closer when Spencer is given his lead to hold. A startled laugh escapes him when Chance presses his nose into his neck. He pats his head a few times, then takes a tiny step back. He’s thrilled that at least one of the horses likes him, but feels a little crowded by the large animal. To his surprise, Chance seems to understand, and takes a step back of his own.

He absently pats his horse as he watches the rest of the group pair up. He still can’t believe he was picked first.

The rest of their time with the horses is very simple. They’re taught how to lead them, and after practicing in the corral, they take the horses back to their paddocks. Spencer’s disappointed to say goodbye already, but understands the need to not overwhelm the horses or even themselves. “I’ll see you next week,” he finds himself whispering to Chance.

There’s ten minutes left in the session, and it’s spent with the director telling them more about each horses’ specific background. Chance was poorly treated by his previous owner, mostly kept locked up in a small barn and not properly cared for. He has many talents and abilities, the director says. He needs to learn that he didn’t deserve to be treated the way he was, and be told that he is brave.

Spencer rests his chin in his hand and stares out the window on the drive back to the treatment center. He knows from his reading that horses are emotionally intelligent creatures, but he’s still… well, amazed by how the horses all picked who was most similar to them out of the group instinctively.

He feels more understood by an animal he’s interacted with for twenty minutes than he has by a person for months.

Before bed that night, he chews on the stem of his pen cap, thinking over the events of his day. Slowly, in a manner that could almost be described as cautious, he picks up the empty composition book Lara gave him and opens it. His hand hovers over the blank page for a few moments, then he puts pen on paper and begins to write.

---

You made dinner reservations for his visit this Saturday. You’re getting ready for it when there’s a knock on the front door.

“I’ll get it,” Spencer calls from the living room.

You return to fixing your hair up. You’re not expecting anyone, so it’s probably just a package or a neighbor. But just a few moments later, you hear Spencer raise his voice.

“No! No, I don’t—don’t touch me, please.”

You’re only half dressed, but hurry out to the living room anyways. When you round the corner, you immediately see what the problem is: JJ has dropped by unexpectedly.

It’s not that Spencer doesn’t want to see his team. They just bring memories with them, and he had decided shortly after his birthday that he wasn’t ready to confront that yet.

He’s standing a little ways back from the door, staring at JJ while she looks back with hurt on her face. “Spence--” she starts before she sees you.

At Spencer’s side, you place a hand on his arm and he takes a step behind you. “JJ, what are you doing here?”

She struggles to keep her eyes off of him as she answers. “(Y/N), I’m sorry, I just—Will and I made cookies with the boys today and we had a lot of extra, so I just wanted to drop some off for you. I—I didn’t know Spence was here. I didn’t mean to--”

You hold up a hand to stop her. “It’s okay, JJ. You couldn’t have known. You were just trying to do something nice.”

She nods, relieved at your understanding. “Yeah. Yeah, I….” She blows out a breath, then holds out a plastic wrapped plate of cookies to you. You take it from her with a quiet thank you. Then she looks back to the man that’s essentially hiding behind you as best as he can, despite how tall he is. “Spence, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you wouldn’t want me to touch you.”

There’s a tug on your clothing as he curls his fingers into the fabric on the small of your back. You tilt your head to look at him, but his gaze is on the floor. “You…” he glances up once, then looks back down. “You should ask next time,” he says quietly.

“Okay,” she replies, just as softly. “I will.”

You bite down on the inside of your cheeks to hold back a smile. Spencer often struggles to advocate for his needs, especially with his friends and colleagues, in fear of being a burden or more of a nuisance than he thinks others already perceive him as. He did it a lot with you when you first started dating. It took a lot of time and reassurance that yes, you really did want to know his wants and needs, for him to open up. Telling JJ to ask before touching him may seem small from the outside, but it’s a big deal for him.

After a rather awkward silence, JJ speaks again. “Well, um, I should get going. Just… let us know if you need anything, okay, Spence? We—the team, we’re all here for you.”

“That’s rich,” Spencer mutters behind you and you freeze. You recognize that edge to his voice. It’s usually accompanied by sharp words and remarks that he’ll regret later.

Please please please tell me JJ didn’t hear that.

“I’m sorry?”

Fuck.

“I hate to rush you out, JJ, but we have dinner reservations, so--” you try to interject but Spencer speaks over you.

“I’m just saying, why should I believe you’re here for me when you weren’t last time?”

JJ’s eyebrows come together. “I… don’t understand, I’ve always--”

“No, you haven’t!” It’s like Spencer can’t get the words out fast enough, the way he keeps interrupting before either of you can finish a sentence. This is clearly something that’s been weighing on him. You just wish he was unloading it onto his therapist rather than poor JJ, his best friend outside of you, who’s just trying to be nice. “Ten years ago I was shooting up in police station bathrooms and Emily is the only one who said a damn thing.”

His grip on your clothes tightens, forcing you to take a step back. You move the plate of cookies to one hand and reach back with the other, circling it around his wrist. “Spencer.”

Realization dawns on JJ’s face and she crosses her arms. “Spence, I couldn’t--”

“You couldn’t.” The little laugh he lets out derisive. “Yeah, I’ve heard that before.”

You don’t know where all this is coming from or what he’s referring to, but JJ does, her expression hardening.

“You know what would have happened if the higher ups found out,” she says. “I was protecting your job. We all were.”

“You shouldn’t have!” he cries, emotions other than anger seeping into the words. “This damn job is one of the worst things that’s ever happened to me! I got anthrax poisoning, I still have issues with my knee from being shot. I nearly died from a shot in the neck, and let’s not forget, I was framed for murder by a psychopath I arrested, who then kidnapped my mother while I was in prison! Oh, and what else? Oh right, this job is the reason I’m a fucking addict in the first place!”

JJ’s clearly trying to hold back tears now, but one slips out and your heart aches for her. You close your eyes briefly and take a deep breath, then speak quietly but firmly. “Spencer, you need to leave the room.”

You can hear him breathing shakily behind you. “(Y/N)--”

“Now.” You squeeze his wrist and he finally lets go of your clothing. He takes a few steps away, stops, turns back and opens his mouth to say something, but at the look you give him, shuts it and continues on his way out.

A sniffle draws your attention back to JJ, who’s looking up at the ceiling and swiping at the tears sliding down. “Sorry,” she mutters. “I shouldn’t have come by without giving you a heads-up. I’ve just made things worse.”

“No, JJ, don’t be sorry. It--” There’s thumping noises from further back in the apartment so you step forward and shut the front door behind you. She has her arms wrapped around herself when you turn back.

“It’s not your fault,” you continue. “You were just trying to be nice. You’re a good friend to him. He’s just… everything is really raw for him right now, if that makes sense?”

She nods, wiping at her eyes again.

“It’s, uh, not an excuse, though,” you clarify. “That’s not what I’m trying to say. You didn’t do anything wrong. That was all him, so please don’t blame yourself.”

JJ is quiet for a bit, staring at the floor. Then she says, “I should get going.”

“Yeah, that’s probably for the best,” you agree quietly. Realizing you’re still holding the plate of cookies in one hand, you lift it slightly and add, “Thanks for these. And, um… I’m so sorry about that.”

She shakes her head and glances at the door. “Don’t be. Like you said, it was all him,” she murmurs.

You know she’s right, but you’re still barely able to stop yourself from apologizing again as she descends the stairs. You can’t help but feel like you should have done more, stopped him somehow, even though you don’t know how you could have. The way his behavior changed… it was like he wanted to get it all out, and when Spencer Reid wants to say something, it’s nearly impossible to get him to stop.

The apartment isn’t quiet when you walk back in. There’s the scraping and clatter of a desk drawer, followed by frantic footsteps and the thud of books falling off the shelves. You know what he’s doing, and you know he won’t find anything, so you just lock the front door and continue on to the kitchen to put the cookies away.

You lean on the counter and cover your face with your hands. It doesn’t matter if you mess up your hair or face, or anything, really, because you’re not making it to dinner anymore.

You stay like that for a while, eyes closed, trying to think of a place to even start with Spencer after all of that. When the sounds of him tearing through the apartment stop, you lift you head back up and promptly jump—he’s staring at you from the nearest doorway.

“Jesus, Spencer--”

“Where’s my stuff?” he asks, and the seriousness in his tone of voice makes your anxiety spike. You know exactly what he means by stuff.

“It’s gone. What did you think was gonna happen?”

“Yeah, but it’s…” he trails off and his expression puzzles you. It almost looks like he’s confused. “It’s all gone.”

Ah. “Yeah, well, I know you think you’re sneaky, but you’re very much the opposite when you’re not sober,” you reply. “Finding your hiding spots wasn’t hard.”

He drops his gaze to the floor, frowning. “I don’t like it when you move my things,” he says quietly.

“I don’t like it when you use,” you counter.

He visibly flinches, then his hand tightens on the door frame. “I’m not going to—to take it, I just want to hold it. Where’s my stuff?” he repeats.

“Holding it, right,” you sigh.

“It’s comforting,” he argues.

“Even if I believed that, it wouldn’t matter, Spencer. I threw it all out. There’s none here.”

The humming noise he makes is angry, and he rocks back and forth on his feet in an agitated manner. “You shouldn’t… I don’t….”

I don’t have the energy for this. It’s a thought you feel terrible about as soon as you have it, but it’s the truth. Lara had cautioned you before his first visit that he was going to be hypersensitive to disappointment and frustration until he learned how to cope with the feelings he’d been using the Dilaudid to block out. Unfortunately, the information, while useful, didn’t always make his emotional extremes easier to deal with.

You run a hand down your face. “Spencer…” you start. You’re not sure what to continue with, but you don’t have to—for whatever reason, that sets him off.

He tears his eyes away from the floor to glare at you. “Don’t—don’t touch my things ever again!” Then he turns and all but runs to the bedroom, slamming the door behind him.

You suck in a breath and drop your head to the counter. The marble is cool and you thump your forehead against it gently a few times, focusing on breathing in and out slowly to calm down. When you’re ready, you walk as quietly as you can to the bedroom door and press your ear against it to hear the unmistakable sound of Spencer sobbing into his pillow.

Part of you wants to go in and comfort him, but you suspect that you’d just make it worse right now since some of his frustration is directed at you. And truth be told, you’re frustrated with him, too. So you retreat to the living room, flopping down on the couch and pulling out your phone to call the restaurant to cancel your reservations. Doing so is more upsetting than you expected; a few tears of your own slide down your face after you hang up. Before you know it, you’re calling Tara.

“Hey, what’s up?” she asks you.

“I…” You swallow down the lump in your throat. “Spencer’s… we’re having a bad day. If you’re not busy, can I talk to you about it?”

“Of course,” is her gentle reply, and you pull yourself to your feet, moving to the farthest point away from the bedroom in the apartment so Spencer won’t overhear.

“He got angry when you told him you got rid of everything?” she guesses when you reach that part.

“Yeah. He told me that he doesn’t like it when I move his things. I already knew that; that’s why everything else is where he left it. I think he was mostly just caught off guard that I knew all his hiding places.”

“If he’s having a trauma response to seeing JJ, he’s not going to be thinking clearly, either,” Tara points out. “I wasn’t there, so I could be wrong, but from what you’ve said, it sounds like she was some sort of trigger for him.”

“That’s more than a fair assessment. It’s just… confusing,” you say. “He wasn’t like this with her when he first got home from prison. He actually spent a lot of time at JJ’s house before his relapse. He’d go over and hold Michael when he couldn’t sleep. Why is seeing his best friend suddenly such a bad thing?”

“I don’t know, but it doesn’t have to make sense to us. It only has to make sense to the traumatized part of the brain,” she explains. “He may not even know why himself.”

“Hmm.” You ponder it for a moment. “I think I’d find that interesting if I wasn’t living it.”

Tara laughs out loud at that. “Yeah, I’ve found that to be rather commonplace sentiment in the field of psychology.”

You take a deep breath and let it out slowly, feeling calmer. “Thanks for listening,” you say. “I feel better now.”

“Anytime, (Y/N).”

You exchange goodbyes, making plans to catch up properly over lunch next week. You hang up, then tiptoe back to the bedroom door. It’s quiet now; Spencer seems to have stopped crying. You knock softly. “Honey? Can I come in?”

When he doesn’t respond, you try the door handle. It’s unlocked, which is a good sign—he’s upset, but not upset enough to completely shut you out. You open the door just enough to look in.

Spencer’s on the bed as expected, huddled under his weighted blanket. His back is to the door and you see his shoulders shuddering in the little breaths that follow him crying. In your experience, he usually seeks out comfort before this stage, often having the breakdown itself in your arms or stumbling into them halfway through. This is a bit of uncharted territory. You know that after outbursts of negative emotions, he tends to need reassurance and touch from someone to help him decompress and feel better. You just don’t know if that’s going to hold true for this kind of reaction. A trauma response, Tara called it. You hope it will, because you don’t know what else to do.

“I’m going to come in now,” you tell him before taking a step inside. You leave the door open behind you so he won’t feel trapped, then slowly approach him, looking out for signs that he doesn’t want you near—tensing muscles, slight rocking, shaking his head—but he stays still.

Once you sit down on the edge of the bed you can see his face. His eyes are puffy and his cheeks are red and raw from wiping away tears. A few are still slipping out, sliding sideways down his face and dropping onto the wet patch on his pillowcase as he stares blankly at the wall across the room.

Hesitantly, you reach out and touch his arm as lightly as you can. He takes in a deep breath, but does nothing to suggest that he wants you to remove it. After a few moments to ensure that he’s okay with touch, you start running your hand up and down his back. He whimpers a little in response, closing his eyes and titling back into your touch.

“Are you okay?” you ask softly.

You don’t get a straightforward answer. He chews on his bottom lip for a bit before speaking in a scratchy voice. “Can you…?” he mumbles, lifting his head up slightly from the pillow, then dropping it back down. You don’t know what he’s asking for until you see some of his fingers poking out from under the blanket and the stroking motion they’re making.

You maneuver across the mattress to sit against the headboard, jostling him as little as you can, and he shifts to place his head in your lap. When you start carding your fingers through his hair, his eyes flutter closed and he lets out a little sigh.

“What’s going on?” you ask once the tension has faded and his body has settled fully into the mattress. He just shrugs and you press your lips together to hold back a sigh. You’re familiar with him going nonverbal and you know that he can’t help it, but it’s discouraging. One of the main things he’s been working on is being more open about his emotions. It’s been a welcome change to not have to pry things out of him. But he seems to have gone right back to old habits tonight and it’s… well, it’s disappointing.

The silence carries on for a long time as you continue to run your hands through his hair. He’s so still and relaxed that you think he may have fallen asleep until he takes in a deep, shuddering breath and clears his throat. “I… I want to go back,” he whispers.

“Back whe--” you start, then your heart drops as you realize what he means. “Oh.”

Your hands fall to your lap as he sits up and clambers out of bed, muttering, “gonna get changed.” He shuts the bathroom door behind him—for whatever reason, he’s not always comfortable with you seeing him changing or in the shower anymore—and you sit still for a few moments, processing what he just said. After over a month of listening to him express his desire to come home—begging you, even, in the beginning—you were unprepared to hear the opposite.

You shake your head slightly to try and clear it, then follow his lead, leaving the bed and changing out of your fancy clothes, trying not to think about how much you had been looking forward to wearing them to the restaurant.

Spencer remains quiet for the drive back to his treatment center, staring out the passenger side window, legs pulled into his chest. He mumbles a quick “bye” to you when you check him back in—no hug or kiss on the cheek like you’ve grown accustomed to. Instead he turns right back to the nurse and staff member running the process and asks, “Is Matt working tonight? I need to talk to him.”

At least he wants to talk to someone, you tell yourself as you leave, trying to soothe the sting caused by the fact that the someone isn’t you.

---

The next time you see him is six days later, on Friday evening. You’ve only talked once since Saturday, over the phone on Wednesday night, and it wasn’t a long call. He was upset about the horse therapy appointment being canceled that afternoon because of the weather—it had rained hard all day—and didn’t say much else. He ended the call before the ten minute mark, saying that he was tired and wanted to go lie down.

He also didn’t request a visit for the weekend—he either didn’t think his treatment team would approve it or he just didn’t want one. So you’re visiting him at the center today. You’ve brought dinner with you—you cooked one of his favorites yourself—but before you eat, you’re having an appointment with him and his therapist.

Spencer glances up only briefly when you enter the office, quickly looking back down. One of his knees is bouncing.

You sit down on the other side of the couch, looking between him and Lara in the chair across from you. “So, um, what’s going on?” you ask.

Spencer looks to Lara and she gives him an encouraging nod. He takes in a deep breath before speaking. “I… I wanted to talk to you about what ha—happened last week,” he says quietly, keeping his gaze on his lap.

You don’t know why exactly he wants to do it here, with his therapist, but wanting to talk about it at all is a good sign.. “Okay. I’m listening.”

“Right, um. Seeing… seeing JJ, it--” he stops abruptly, and his hands tremble slightly as he runs them down his thighs. “Sorry, doing… doing this is making me really anxious.”

“Take your time,” Lara says and you nod in agreement.

“Okay.” He runs his hands through his hair a few times before continuing. “Se—seeing her brought up emotions and, and memories I wasn’t ready to, um, confront. It… it really tri—triggered me.”

“Yeah, I could tell,” you say quietly.

Spencer grimaces at the words. He lifts his hand, puts it back down, then lifts it again and rubs at one of his eyes. “I…” he starts, then fixes his gaze on the floor and goes silent.

“(Y/N).” You tear your eyes from him and look at Lara. “Is there anything you’d like to say to Spencer about Saturday? Maybe what it was like for you?”

“Oh. Um.” You chew on your bottom lip for a moment. You’ve worried about how what you say could effect him since his relapse—one of your biggest fears is saying something that would drive him to use. But it’s stressful to keep up with, and with his therapist is probably the best place to start ridding yourself of your new habit of… well, of walking on eggshells around him.

“I think it would be good for him to know,” Lara says.

“Alright.” You lace your fingers together in your lap. “I guess it was just… startling to me. JJ’s your best friend and you’ve never acted that way to her. Or anyone, really, other than your father.”

Spencer stays silent, but flinches at the mention of his dad.

“Do you have anything to say to that?” Lara prompts. He shakes his head, so she looks back to you. “How did seeing Spencer like that make you feel?”

You take in a deep breath and let it out slowly; you’re a little scared to say, not wanting to make him feel worse. “It was… distressing. Especially when he got mad at me for getting rid of his Dilaudid. I know he doesn’t like having his things touched without permission but I don’t think it was reasonable to expect that I wouldn’t have done that.”

Lara nods. “That makes sense. But our feelings aren’t always logical.”

“Yeah, I understand. I guess I just wish he would have told me what was wrong instead of being silent--”

Spencer finally speaks up then, in protest. “I couldn’t help it!”

“I—I know that,” you argue back. “I just—I’m just telling you how I felt.”

He looks away, folding his arms and sinking further into the couch.

“Spencer,” Lara says gently. “You wanted to know how (Y/N) felt, remember? And we talked about how you were probably going to hear things you wouldn’t like.”

You blink, taken aback that this was his idea. And with that comes the realization of just how long it’s been since he’s asked how you’re feeling. Thinking back, you realize that the last time you had a conversation that wasn’t only focused on his feelings and well-being was the day you found him asleep and tied to his mother. This… it’s Spencer before prison.

You’re drawn out of your thoughts by him sighing and muttering, “Yeah, I remember.”

“Alright. Anything else?” Lara asks you.

There’s a lot else, you’re discovering, but you’re not sure you can unpack it all right now. “Maybe…” you say. “Maybe he could just tell me what I can do to help when he’s… triggered?”

“I don’t know,” he says dully, and when he catches the small frown on your face, insists, “I don’t.”

“Yet,” Lara adds.

He sighs again. “Yet,” he repeats.

“I know it’s frustrating,” she says. “Your solution to these kinds of feelings before was denial or using. A solution, not just a problem,” she emphasizes. “I want you both to try and think of it like that, and get comfortable with the fact that it’s going to take awhile to overcome those habits.”

A solution, not a problem. It’s… weird to think of his addiction that way, but you can try, so you give her a nod.

“Yeah, yeah,” Spencer mumbles. But behind the defensive body language, he just seems tired.

He seems to relax a little when the meeting wraps up and it’s only the two of you in one of the rooms used for visits. He remains quiet, but when you place the plate of food you dish him across the table from yours, he slides it back and sits in the chair beside you. “Sorry,” he whispers as soon as you take a bite of food.

“For what?” you ask once you’ve swallowed.

“For yelling at you on Saturday,” he says quietly. “I was upset but I shouldn’t have yelled.”

His leg is bouncing under the table; you put your hand on his knee to still it. “Apology accepted,” you say softly.

He shakes his head slightly. “You don’t have to. I was awful to you on Saturday.”

You frown at his skewed interpretation of events. “Spencer, you really weren’t. You yelled at me, yes, but other than that, you were fine.” And you’ve said much worse when you’ve been high.

“I ruined dinner. And don’t say it’s not a big deal,” he adds before you can speak. “You mentioned it every time we spoke in the week leading up to it. You were really excited about it, and I ruined it.”

Spencer’s read you like a book—that was exactly what you were going to say. “Yeah, I was really looking forward to it,” you admit. “And it sucked to have to cancel the reservations. But there will be other dinners, and it’s not like you did it on purpose.”

“But what if I did?” His voice is so quiet that you wouldn’t have heard him if he wasn’t right next to you.

“What do you mean?”

“I just mean…” he rocks slightly in his seat, which you immediately recognize as one of his self-soothing behaviors. You move your hand from his knee to his hair, lightly running your fingers through the curls covering the nape of his neck to try and help. His head tilts forward a little at your touch and after a brief silence, he continues. “I just mean that self-sabotage wouldn’t exactly be something new for me.”

“Oh.” You take your time considering it; he won’t believe you if you give in to your knee-jerk reaction to protest the negative feelings he harbors towards himself. But he grows agitated at your silence, rocking a bit harder and rubbing at his eye. You tug his hair lightly without really thinking about it in response.

“I’m just thinking,” you assure. “You deserve an honest, thought-out answer.”

After taking a deep breath, he nods. “Okay. I understand. Maybe you could just, uh… to help c--comfort…” He swallows and his voice drops back to a whisper. “Could you do that again?”

“Do what?”

“Um, pull… pull my hair. You did that a few moments ago. Please?”

You almost want to tease him—a year ago, you would have. But he’s been so timid and unsure when asking for any intimate touch other than cuddling since he got back from prison. You don’t want to discourage him from asking any more than he seems to be discouraging himself.

“Of course, baby,” you answer softly, and do just that. He closes his eyes and drops his head onto your shoulder. “As far as the self-sabotaging goes, you’re… not good at lying to me,” you muse. “And after six years with you, I feel like I’m pretty familiar with all the ways Spencer Reid self-sabotages. This never even crossed my mind until you brought it up, so I don’t see that as being what happened.”

You can’t tell if he believes you. A neutral “okay” is all you get from him, but at least he’s not outright disagreeing.

You gently pull his hair a few more times. “You should eat before it gets cold and we have to heat it up again.”

He takes the suggestion, picking his fork up, but you’ve never seen him less enthused about eating one of his favorite foods. He’s only cleared half of his plate when you’re done with all of yours.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.”

You can’t help but sigh at the habitual response, and consider your next words carefully. “Spencer, I don’t mean to be pushy, but you told me you were working on not dismissing people’s concern for you when they express it.”

“I am,” he mutters, but doesn’t say anything else, just continues to push his food around his plate aimlessly.

“Well, is something wrong with the food?” you ask. “Did I get the texture wrong, or--”

“No, no,” he interrupts, shaking his head. “It’s not the food. The food’s great. It’s… it’s me that’s the problem.”

Your eyebrows come together. “I don’t understand.”

“I…” He starts to blush. “I’m not eating it all because I think I need to lose some weight.”

“Don’t you dare,” you say immediately without thinking. He makes a startled noise at the same time you clap your hand over your mouth. You definitely don’t want him to lose weight, you just hadn’t meant for it to come out like that.

On the day he came home and agreed to treatment, you’d seen just how underweight he’d become as you helped him unbutton his shirt. The stark outline of his ribs against his skin had been scary, and you had no desire to see that again. It was a relief when he started to gain back what he’d lost in prison and afterwards. And you were happy to see him continue to put on even more than that.

You clear your throat. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to say it like that. You were just so skinny when you got here. You look good like this.”

“I’ve never weighed this much before,” he says, and the distress in his tone makes you think that this is a fact that has been bothering him for a while. “Some of my clothes are getting too tight.”

“We can buy you new clothes.”

“But we don’t know how much longer the insurance will cover my stay here. Residential treatment is expensive. We don’t need to be spending extra money on clothes when I could just lose the weight instead and not need them.”

“Hey.” You put your hand on his cheek. “I don’t want you to worry about money. The insurance is covering it for now. If they stop, that’s a problem to deal with when we get there. Just focus on getting better.”

He looks away from you, down to his lap. “I should still lose some weight,” he says eventually.

“Have you medical staff told you that?” you inquire, raising an eyebrow.

“No,” he admits with a sigh.

“Then you’re not allowed to worry about it,” you say firmly. “Finish your dinner.”

Spencer hesitates, but picks his fork back up. The corners of his mouth turn up just slightly when he starts eating again, telling you that despite his fretting, he’s happy not to stop himself from eating as much as he wants.

He seems to be in a much better mood at the end of the evening than he was when you arrived, though a bit more subdued and quieter than normal. He also appears to be very tired. It’s only 7:30 but he keeps yawning. He denies dozing off with his head on your shoulder while you were talking after dinner, but you’re sure he did.

During your parting hug, he nestles his face into your neck just like he always does when you’re sleeping in bed together. “Try and get some good sleep tonight,” you encourage, smoothing your hands down his back. “And Spencer?”

He pulls back to look at you and you settle your hands lightly on his waist. “I meant it, you know.” You squeeze slightly. “When I said you look good like this.”

It takes him a few moments to catch onto what you’re implying; when he does, his eyebrows shoot up and his breath catches. “Oh. O—okay. I’ll, um…” he glances down shyly. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You better.” You look over your shoulder as you leave, and the small smile he’s wearing prompts one of your own.

---------------

tell me what you thought here!

i'd like to put it out there that i don’t hate jj and i really hope it didn’t come across like that. i hadn’t even planned that scene; it just wrote itself. i promise it’ll be resolved before the end of this fic.

another shoutout to the book The Body Keeps the Score for helping immensely with the planning and writing of this. i literally have pages of notes from it.

you can also find irl pictures of spencer’s therapy horse here.

all we can do taglist: @thatsonezesty13 , @jhillio , @elitereid

general taglist: @calm-and-doctor

#spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x you #spencer reid fanfic #criminal minds fanfic #criminal minds self insert #spencer reid #angst #my fic #tw substances #one day i'll write something that's short

78 notes · View notes

notepadsandtealeaves · 3 years

Text

Tim Drake x GN!Reader in: Maybe (Love, Once Lost)

Reader Requests || Immy’s 200 Follower Event 🎊 🎉 🎊

MINORS/AGELESS BLOGS DO NOT INTERACT || 18+ ONLY ||

|| ao3 version | event tag | batboys tag | m.lists | main blog ||

↠ Prompt: “Shit, I didn’t mean to say that.”

It hurts, watching something you love so much die, especially when you feel like you have everything needed to save it–

Everything, but the want.

In reaching the end of things you and Tim find that the only way to move forwards is to go back to the start…

↠ Requested By: Anonymous ↠ Reader Gender: Neutral ↠ Content Type: A SFW gut punch. Technically H/C, tho maybe not in the form you expect. It’s kinda like a Sour Patch Kid made up of angst and love lol. ((but my blog’s 18+ so if minors what to consume my sfw stuff while still respecting my wishes of staying out of this space they can head over to my ao3)) ↠ CWs: Potential breakups (ending is kinda open so that you can choose your own fate lol). Also Tim-typical self-destructive tendencies, and tbh Reader’s not faring much better. This relationship has not been healthy/happy for a long while now and it shows. See the tags before the story for a more comprehensive list. ↠ Beta? Nah, we don’t know her. Are you sure she works here?? ((tho I should probably employ her services sooner or later for the sake of my readers lmao)) ↠ Total WC: 3.6k~

Sorry for the wait, nonnie. I had a hard time coming up with a solid storyline at first because while I really like to read H/C, when it comes to writing it I blank apparently?? Idk, maybe it’s just because I haven’t written for any of the Bats in a cool minute, but whatever.

Anyways!

Did I go in too hard with the ‘H’ part of H/C? Yeah, probably, but the prompt did say, and I quote, “the more hurt, the better. I want to CRY” lmao. I know that this may not be exactly what you were looking for, my dear requester, but I hope that you can enjoy it regardless…

↠ A itty-bitty playlist for added hurt a general vibe || x | x | x ||

Tags: Reader’s gender is ambiguous | Reader uses they/them pronouns | Good relationship gone toxic | Unreliable narrator (Reader’s hands aren’t completely clean in all of this, y’all) | ((this is what happens when two people with savior complexes try to protect one another instead of functioning as a team)) | ((Tim’s trying to protect Reader from the darker parts of himself/his lifestyle)) | ((and Reader’s trying to protect him from his own self-destructive tendencies)) | Tim doesn’t know how to process/cope | Reader’s been holding shit down by themselves for too long | Reader cries | Tim cries | OP cries | We all cry | Potential breakup | Open ended

There’s nothing particularly notable about the day your life falls apart at its already threadbare seams.

It’s a Tuesday, arguably the most mundane of all days. You’ve accepted your fate of contending with another week of drudgery and have mostly eased into it with that sullen concession that comes with age. The weather’s just as mild as a thing, being exactly what you would expect of a day that’s caught somewhere between the changing of the seasons. No one is overly rude to you—well, by Gotham standards, that is—and you’re able to go through the motions of your scheduled events without any problems.

Maybe the lack of conflict outside of your home should’ve been the first indicator that something was bound to go terribly wrong within it.

In contrast to the day, there’s so much to say about the man that owns your heart.

Timothy Jackson Drake isn’t exactly what you’d call a conventional human, let alone a traditional partner. Still, he is a brilliant, kind, loving and above all else dedicated man. Despite how much he has to do in a day, he always gives everyone and everything his all, seemingly uncaring about any potential detriments to himself. That this sees you piecing together what little you can when the weight of his responsibilities inevitably leaves him shattered and scattered in the wind is… not ideal for either of you.

It’s a self-appointed task that you’ve been seeing to since your teenage years, when he had decided that just watching from the sidelines while his hero self-destructed was no longer an option.

Tim’s always been too smart for his own good, and back at the start of things far too eager. Skipping town to track down a vigilante all in hopes of saving another vigilante from himself was the exact type of foolishness that you’d come to expect from him even then. What was worse is that aside from the obvious madness of it all, his plan was actually well thought out and annoying solid. In the end he had put his distinct combination of dazzling wit, animal instincts, and near-reckless obstinacy up against that of the Big Bat’s and actually won—saving both him and Nightwing from whatever bit of madness Two-Face had been given to at the time.

Once he was allowed to, he had thrown himself into the role of Robin full tilt, with things only intensifying after the incident that left him all but orphaned. To his credit he never allowed the anger to consume him like so many others would have, though you would argue that his chosen alternative is just as destructive. He pours all of himself into every case that he works, taking his victories in stride, but locking away his failures in the deepest reaches of his soul to rot and fester. The resulting poison is a thing that you’ve been steadily drawing out of his system in the time since, and if you’re completely honest you’re getting tired.

Tired of the late nights spent patching him up while he works on yet another case file. Tired of watching as he willingly allows this life to eat away at him, bit by bit. Tired of the way your concerns are always either met with dismissal or anger—his constant reminders of how you were all too aware of what the deal was well before you decided to shift your relationship over from friends to lovers grating against already flayed nerves.

In loving him you’ve had to shoulder a burden that you never asked for, and while there is little you won’t give to keep him by your side forever, what happens when there’s nothing left for the altar? You’ve been chipping away at yourself for over a decade now and it shows. Your façade has long since started to crack from sorrow’s repeated dashing against its walls, the veneer of your smile rubbed thin from years of stretching it well beyond your happiness.

Maybe this is why when he literally limps into your shared home nearly a full hour before the clock strikes midnight—body bruised and conscious battered—you cannot bring yourself to do more than stare blankly at his hunched form.

Under normal circumstances you’d be overjoyed to have him home so early, but these are not normal circumstance because there is no such thing, not when you love a Bat. Their masks have a way of twisting everything on its head, making fists of open hands, adversaries out of lovers, charlatans out of honest men. When you view so much of your world through a domino existence becomes a masquerade that doesn’t end even when the disguises are cast away at the bell’s toll.

As usual Tim doesn’t ask for help and you don’t offer, with both of you opting instead to fall into the routine that has been your go-to for far too long now. He keeps his lips pursed tightly as he undresses, the only voluntary outward showing of pain that he’ll allow himself, and though his civilian clothes aren’t nearly so complicated, they seem to be giving him far more trouble than his hero costume ever has. Of course you know that this is due to whatever injuries he’s hiding underneath it all, but the more cynical part of your brain wonders if it’s because he’s been spending more time in a cape than he has in a flannel and jeans these days.

Though your heart aches at the sight of him all banged up it’s an old and distant hurt, like the feeling of digging your thumb into a several day old bruise. You push away the pain in the same way that he pushes away your helping hands—neither of you want nor need the added strain that the burden of care would bring.

Your touch is impersonal once it’s finally allowed. You assess the rush job (clearly done by his own hands as none of the others would ever be so sloppy) before treating and rebind his wounds with a clinical precision. Your words are just as clipped as your movements, with you only deigning to speak when the situation demands it.

You don’t ask about how he came to be in such a sorry state, or whatever it is that he’s working on, or even just how his day outside of the suit and mask went because you know there’s no point. He never tells you anything anymore. Unsurprising as you’re barely sharing a space these days, let alone conversation.

It’s a far cry from the usual banter and jokes that the pair of you used to keep up—the words and laughter all traded in between kisses as you lay wrapped up in each other’s arms—but that was before things devolved into whatever… this is.

If Tim notices the change, and you’re sure that he does, he clearly doesn’t think that it’s worth speaking on. Instead he nods his thanks at your assistance before mumbling something about needing to look into a few things before bed—“But there’s no reason for you to wait up.”

“Yeah. Guess not.”

It’s a cold exchange that damn near leaves you shivering as you part ways yet again.

No matter how many layers you pile on or how deeply you burrow under the blankets the frost that has crusted itself over your heart continues to linger, chilling you from the inside out. Even without the feeling of his icy indifference settling itself into your bones, your body has never been up to the task of warming such a large bed all on its own, and yet it has been forced to try more often than not these past few months.

With the sheets tucked in snug around you, you curl into yourself as tightly as you can bear—head facing away from the space your partner will occupy shortly if he’s feeling kind towards himself. You know he hasn’t been sleeping well, not that he ever does, mind, but even by his standards things have been bad. You try to figure out when the last time you actually fell asleep with anything other than your thoughts to keep you company was only to give up once you realize it’s been over two weeks.

Maybe this is my breaking point, you think, throat tight and eyes stinging. Maybe there’s no coming back from this…

The waxing moon’s glow turns your tears into lines of pale silver where they stream silently over your face. You let them pool and flow as they may because wiping them away would take more energy than what you have to give. This is what loving Timothy Jackson Drake has reduced you to—a husk that cannot care for its self in even this small way because it has given its all to a man that’s too hollow himself to match those efforts.

Though your cheeks are still damp, your breathing has mostly evened out by the time Tim finally slides into bed. He’s silent aside from the occasional grunt that his restless shifting elects. The mattress is soft enough (as well it should be, given how much money he spent to have it custom made to fit his rather… particular needs), but his recent patrols have been especially unkind. The pale expanse of his skin is mottled with the odd laceration as well as nearly a dozen bruises in various stages of healing, with the newest (and largest) one vaguely resembling a boot’s grooved sole where it sits across the breadth of his chest. Clearly there’s a story there, but aside from assuring you that nothing was broken he hadn’t spoken on it further. Typical.

You’re not sure if he finds a position that agrees with him or if he writes off comfort as an illusion and gives up on it altogether, but either way after a few long moments he finally settles down. The quiet that follows is damn near suffocating in its oppression, but neither of you dare to breech it for fear of what will undoubtedly be said. For all that your relationship now lacks there’s something between the pair of you that wasn’t there before, and it has been steadily gaining its strength over these past few months from where it’s made its home just behind your teeth.

It’s the selfsame thing that won’t let you meet each other’s eyes across the dinner table anymore, the one that turns I love you’s into rote platitudes at best. It has taken away the warmth from smiles that were once shared so liberally, dulled the passion behind your touch, sapped light and life both from your eyes. It’s an ugly thing to behold, all bleeding edges and sharp angles meant to sever the last of the strings that bind you to one another–

And tonight, it seems, it will have its due.

Maybe this is why Tim slides over into your space to hold you close—because he can feel it too.

The rending, the end.

You know that you certainly can, and have been for much longer than you’re willing to admit to yourself even now. It hurts, watching something you love so much die, especially when you feel like you have everything needed to save it–

Everything, but the want.

And yet as you lay wrapped up in the arms of the man that you were once so sure would be your Ever After, you almost convince yourself that there might just be a reason to hope—but then you start to remember.

You remember how long it’s been since last you were together like this. You remember the echoing chasm that he helped to carve so deep into you that not even the full breadth of your combined anger and sorrow could fill it; the days spent barely tolerating the other’s presence and the lonely nights that left your lashes caked in salt; the words that, when actually acknowledged, felt as if they would’ve been better left unsaid.

The memories continue to stack up-up-up, one on top of the other, until the wall of your offense is so high that you cannot see a way over or around it. The only recourse that you have left is to turn your back on it all, retrace your steps, and hope that you’ll actually find some semblance of the person you once were waiting for you at the end of the path.

And so, with fingers laced tight and water in your voice, you resign yourself to fate’s draw as you utter the only words left to say–

“I… I think that it’s over, Tim.”

Though spoken at a whisper the sentence resounds through the room with all the force of a gunshot.

Tim’s grip on you tightens then, a shuddery breath pushing its way past his lips to tickle along your scalp. The feeling of warm, fat drops follows soon after, and though their source should be obvious it still takes you a long second to realize that he’s crying.

Even with all of the heartache he’s caused you, and the tears that you yourself are once again shedding, knowing that you’ve hurt him so badly breaks you. A pain that you’ve never experienced before lances through you, forcing you to speak before your mind can fully catch up to your mouth.

“Sh-shit, I… I didn’t m-mean to say that,” you stutter out between gulping sobs.

Gentle fingers massage your nape as he shushes you with a surprisingly steady voice. “Yes you did, and that’s okay.”

The absolute calm and conviction that laces the statement snaps your heart cleanly in two, and your mind’s quick to follow. On the one hand you want to snatch every word spoken tonight from the air and shove them back down your throats into the confines of your chests, but at the same time you feel something akin to relief for finally giving voice to a truth that you’ve both been denying for far too long now. You’re not sure which part of this dichotomy leaves you quaking in his arms, but Tim’s quick to soothe you either way, and you hate it.

This is all you’ve ever wanted from him—just him and his time, his touch, his care. You never wanted to monopolize any of it, but dammit, you should’ve had a right to it all the same. And you did, once upon a time before life turned your gazes to jade. He’s been so distant for so long, but now he decides to lower his walls and let you back in? Here, at the end of things? It feels like an especially cruel joke.

You want to make demands of him, to insist that he explain himself, to ask how he could stand idly by and watch as your love worked its way through its death throes, but your attempts to speak yield little more than ragged, hiccuping groans that originate somewhere deep in your gut. You give up on trying nearly as soon as you start and instead allow yourself to mourn the death of a future that will never be while Tim continues to hold you tight.

The harder you cry, the more fully he wraps himself around you. A leg slots itself between your own while the other goes over your hip to pull you in closer to him; all the while one arm slides just beneath your shoulder blades to further secure your middle against his while its opposite’s hand cradles your head against his chest. From here you can just make out his heartbeat over you combined shuddering breaths and you find yourself latching on to the sound. Even amidst all of the turmoil and strife its beat is as steady as ever—a touchpoint, a buoy for your fatigued mind to tether itself to before the tempest of your emotions drag you under completely.

Eventually you’re lulled into a state adjacent to calm, though your body tenses up almost immediately when Tim starts to speak. He can feel it, of course, but aside from a brief spot of hesitation he forages on regardless.

“____, baby, I… I wish there was something I could say or do to make things right, but I know that’s not how this works.” He swallows thickly then, the hand that had been around your back coming up to tilt your face to level. The room’s limited light turns his irises’ hue into something ghastly—like diamonds stained a rare and icy blue—and though it makes it just that much harder to meet his gaze he doesn’t allow you to look away. As he regards you, you get the distinct feeling that he’s trying to commit this moment, and you, to memory.

Just as you start to wilt under the intensity of his stare liberation is granted in the form of an extended blink. The fingers that have yet to release your chin slide upwards to cradle your cheek, their calluses dragging against the skin there in a familiar rasp that leaves you on the brink of tears once more. Tim’s eyes glass up as well in an effect that highlights the silver striations that flair out from his pupils like a starburst; he’s quick to blink against the tears, willing them away with a deep, steeling breath before continuing on.

“I hope that you know that even with us staring down the end of, well, us, that I still love you. I’ll always love you—so, so much—and if there’s a chance that we can make it through to the other side of all this then I’ll damn well fight for it, but… I’m willing to let it all go”—he huffs out a sound that’s caught somewhere between a sob and a sigh—“to let you go, if that’s what you want.”

You breathe out his name then, though what is to follow you cannot say. Your brain is swirling with dozens upon dozens of retorts, but before you can even begin to decide on one he cuts you off with a sharp shake of his head.

“No, I… I need to say this, ____. I’ve been too quiet for too long, and that’s half—no, nearly the whole of the problem. Please, just… I know I’ve already been plenty selfish, but just let me say this, please.”

Your acquiescence comes in the form of a nod that leaves Tim mumbling out his thanks from where he presses his lips against your forehead.

“I know that I haven’t really been showing it lately,” he starts once he reluctantly pulls away, “but I hate seeing you hurt and I certainly don’t like being the reason for it. I don’t even– I can’t even tell you why I’ve been acting this way. It just feels like everything’s been piling on top of me lately, and I didn’t know how to get out from under it so I just kinda shutdown, hard. And I didn’t want to burden you with it because you already do so much for me, and I just kept thinking what type of partner– hell, what type of man would I be if I forced even more of my shit onto you?”

The sound that rumbles up out of his chest at that is far too bitter a thing to be considered a true laugh. “But in trying to keep you from becoming, fuckin’, I don’t know—collateral damage, I guess?—I fucked things up even worse than if I would’ve just let you in.

“God. The only real surprise here is that you’ve put up with this for as long as you have. That just goes to show how much you love me—not that I didn’t already know, but… Fuck, babe. I wish I could say that I don’t know how we got here, but that’d be a goddamn lie. But the thing that I honestly have no idea about is how the hell we get back, or if we even should.”

“…Tim, I–”

He cuts you off with another kiss, this one to your still parted lips. There’s no expectations behind the ministration, but the tenderness there wraps itself around your heart and squeezes all the same.

Eyes pinched shut, he braces his forehead against yours as he caresses your cheek again. “No-no, shhh. I know I said I’ll follow your lead on this, and I will, but… No matter what it is that you choose, can you just– Give me tonight, baby, please.”

What had felt like a looming inevitability at the start of things is less certain now that some of the biggest of your issues have been stretched out and deconstructed. Still, your footing is just as unsure as ever. Nothing makes sense anymore and you’re too tired—mentally, emotionally, and physically—to try and unpack it all. What’s worse is that Tim doesn’t make things easier on you, if inadvertently so.

The adoration that tints his gaze is at once familiar and not. It’s been far too long since he last looked at you like this, since he’s actually seen you in any real capacity. The sight nudges at the embers of love that have long since ashed over within you, the desperation that pulses out of him in time with his heart’s beating stoking the glowing coals into something tempting enough to draw you in. And like a moth that cannot resist the light despite having already felt its burn, you willingly abandon sense and surrender yourself to the corona.

And as you lay there, holding and being held by the only man your heart has ever known, you can’t help but to wonder if maybe this is just as much of a beginning as it is an ending.

|| BTS, Author’s Note Type Deal

Tim’s p. disillusioned in this one, to the point of having gone almost completely emotionally numb.

Given his penchant for compartmentalization it’s not a stretch to think that he’d shut his s/o down and out in such a manner, imo. It’s partly for what he thinks is there sake (it’s that savior complex I mentioned before—the whole damn family has it), and partly because he’s personally having problems with coping. What’s more, he won’t even actively realize that he’s doing it at first.

If his s/o’s aware of his vigilante work it’ll be even worse as he feels like they should already know the deal and be ready to cope accordingly. He’ll also feel some type of way because ‘umm, I’m trying to protect you here and it feels like you’re not acknowledging the sacrifices I’m making for your sake.’ Ofc that’s not the case, they just want to help bear the burden as a partner would/should, but he’s so tangled up inside at that point that everything looks and feels like an attack.

None of it is right or fair or logical, but it’s not exactly like he’s in a good headspace at this point so he cannot be expected to act as such.

Still, he does love them so once it become apparent to him that things have gone downhill he’ll try to fix them—the only problem with that being the fact that he won’t become fully aware of the gravity of the situation until things are right at or past the point of no return.

But this is looking at things from Tim’s side. At the other end is (in this particular case) an s/o that was taking on things that they really shouldn’t have—at least not in the way that they were. They were propping both Tim and their relationship up to an unhealthy degree; this was due in part to their own savior complex, and partly out of being blinded by love. You’ll be surprised what love can potentially make you write off and wave away despite your knowing that it won’t end well; it doesn’t help that once you make one concession that it gets so much easier to do it again and again.

Had they both sat down and talked things out sooner they wouldn’t have crashed into their breaking point. It would not have been an easy conversation to have given how stubborn Tim can be about these things, but one that would have had to happen nonetheless if the relationship was to have any true longevity, yanno?

But I’ve rambled on enough, let me stop lol…

© notepadsandtealeaves, 2021 || Please do not repost, translate, or otherwise alter or distribute my works without my express permission. And for the love of god keep it away from Youtube and TikTok lol…

#((Immy's 200 Follower Event))#((Immy does fan fiction: the Batboys))#lol that hurted #tim drake x reader #tim drake x gn!reader #tim drake x gender neutral reader #Tim Drake x Y/n #tim drake x you #tim drake imagine

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chickenmcfly1 · 3 years

Note

Since you said you’re a guitarist and music major yourself, do you have any thought about Marty as a musician and his path?

omg you should not have gotten me going on this. Music and Marty are my favorite topics of ramble about and now you’re letting me ramble about both together gajagska. Anyway, here are my thoughts about Marty and his music

He started showing musical inclination when he was quite young. Grandma Sylvia (aka Trixie Trotter) would sing and play for Marty and he loved it

He expresses want to learn an instrument when he’s around 8 years old and there’s already a plunky little piano in the McFly home. By no means is it a good instrument, but George has Sylvia teach him.

Marty likes it a lot and he practices and becomes pretty proficient. Neither Lorraine or George expect much to come from it, but they’d rather have Marty playing jazz standards and Beethoven than have him setting fire to the rest of the house

After Sylvia passes a few years later, well one, Marty is absolutely destroyed because he’s not that close to anyone else in his family, but also the piano lessons stop. George and Lorraine can’t afford lessons and they don’t really care enough to encourage Marty’s musical goals

Marty keeps up with his piano playing, but around this time, at age 10, he begins to get really into Rock n Roll. The record store by his house is where Marty goes to escape his family before Doc and he becomes obsessed with all the Rock Stars and their records.

There’s a video of Jimi Hendrix explaining how to play the guitar that plays at the music store on loop, and Marty watches it over and over and over and over until he has it pretty much memorized

He mows lawn for a week and the first time he gets paid, he goes straight to the record store and buys the tape and the other guitar lessons that come with it

And Marty decides right then that he wants to be just like those rock stars. Because their music is so incredible and they’re so entertaining, and talented, and cool.

The older Marty gets, the more fascinated with all kinds of music Marty becomes. He applies himself to learning the melodies and analyzing the elements of the music with a dedication that his teachers wish he could also apply to literally anything else

He also tries his hand at writing his own music. It comes surprisingly easy because Marty’s a very emotional person, even at like 12, but he’s really scared of expressing those emotions. He’s afraid of being made fun of and rejected and judged and called weak, so he writes music, but nobody ever heard it.

By 12, Marty is begging his parents for a guitar, but they don’t want to spend the money on an instrument or lessons. Marty; however, is desperate and is willing to do literally anything to get his parents to buy him one.

Hill Valley is a small town, and the record store owner obviously had noticed how Marty comes by every single day, so he ends up giving Marty some trashy old acoustic that needs to be tossed

The guitar is probably only given to Marty because fixing it up to put it in selling condition would probably cost more that they could ever make from it, but looking at Marty, you’d think he’s just been given the best gift in the entire universe

So he watches the Jimi Hendrix tapes another 10,000 times and works his ass off and improves an enormous amount and by the time he’s 13, Marty is quite a good guitar player

In 8th grade, he’s able to save enough for another (equally crappy and equally used) guitar but this one’s electric and its the most incredible thing Marty has ever seen and he adores it

Marty’s super insecure in pretty much everything he does, and nobody feels good about themselves at age 13, but at this age, Marty really starts doubting himself way more and struggling with confidence. Music is an escape from that. Marty works so hard with his piano playing, with his singing, and especially his guitar playing, and making music is the place where he feels most comfortable in himself.

At this point, Marty’s family life is getting worse and worse, school is hard and friends are hard, but he has music and he throws himself into it 110 percent.

That all comes crashing down at Marty’s first audition. Marty auditions for Jazz band in 8th grade, and that rejection shouldn’t be a big deal because there two spots and 8th 9th and 10th graders, but Marty’s quickly rejected and it breaks it heart. This had been the one thing that was simple for Marty. There was no chaos or fighting or compilations behind it, he just did it and it made him happy, and now that’s been taken away from him too

He pretty much decides he’s giving up on music forever after that and is never playing for anyone else again, but as usual, Doc comes into Marty’s life at the perfect time.

Music is one of the first things Doc and Marty bond about. Doc tells Marty he’s welcome to play any of his records while they’re working. His music is mostly jazz and 50s stuff, and Marty absolutely falls in love with it.

After listening to more of that, Marty discovers a love for combining the classics with a new unique kinda heavy metal sound

He asks Doc about the saxophone and Doc teaches Marty quite a bit of it. Marty’s not as great at sax as he is at piano, singing, or guitar, but it’s fine because he has a duet partner now.

He and Doc play together a lot and he’s the only one that gets to hear Marty’s original music. Marty writes a bunch of jazz and rock pieces for Sax and Guitar too, and being able to play with Doc gives Marty a lot of the confidence boost he needs. Doc makes a point to always encourage and compliment Marty’s performance. And it’s not hard to do either, because Marty really does have something special.

Improvising with Marty is a wild ride. He’s able to change keys, styles, and go into mixed meter in a way that seems almost effortless and with alarming speed. Anybody with him really does have to ‘try to keep up’

Once he gets to high school, Marty tries auditioning for a few things again. To his surprise, he’s picked for a few small things. Nothing as big as he wants, but it’s better than nothing. Someone somewhere thinks Marty’s good and that’s something.

Marty also gets into a little bit or recording, mixing, and composing. [There’s a tiny electric or MIDI keyboard in his bedroom in the Polaroid from the set so I’m assuming he’s writing music for full bands and playing some parts on MIDI with a software instrument, but idek if that technology existed back then, so who knows right]

For his 15th birthday, Doc gives him the rest of the money for the guitar he’s been saving up for. It’s an Ibanez and when he plays it or the first time, it feels like the instrument was made just for him and everything is right in the world

He throws himself even more into practice after this and music goes from a hobby to the thing he wants to do with his life. Marty’s always felt lost and directionless when it comes to his future. It’s always felt like he isn’t good enough and won’t really amount to anything. His family are all nobodies, and nobody thinks Marty is capable of achieving anything. But Music gives him purpose and hope for the future.

Doc’s nonstop encouragement is what pushes Marty to finally take the first step and decide to pursue music

In sophomore year, the pinheads come together. Marty is a lot more serious about the whole thing than the others, but being in a band is cool, so they all carve out a few hours every week to rehearse. Marty pushes and pushes them and himself to be better.

He starts dating Jennifer in junior year and Marty writes a lot of songs for her. He finally gets the courage to show her one. Jennifer loves it and becomes Marty’s (second) biggest cheerleader. Any audition, rehearsal, and rare performance Marty has, she’s there. She knows how much this means to him and she takes any opportunity to encourage him

By senior year, everyone seems to know what they want to do with their life, and Marty knows with absolute clarity what he wants to do too, but he’s so scared to take the leap and go for music. He wants this so badly and it means so much to him, and someone telling him he’s not good enough to make it would absolutely destroy Marty. So he keeps these dreams close to his chest and only tells Jennifer and Doc, who convinces Marty to send an audition to the record company

Making that audition tape is the most miserable experience ever. He does over 100 takes of the same song because if it’s not absolutely perfect Marty’s entire world is going to be destroyed. The recording is never perfect (and Doc tells Marty that no recording will never be perfect enough in Marty’s eyes, and what he has done is incredible but Marty doesn’t believe it)

In the timeline where Marty breaks his hand, the second he wakes up in the hospital and sees his mangled hand and feels the way his fingers move so disjointedly, he knows he screwed up and everything is ruined

The loss of music, which was the one thing that made Marty have hope in himself, sends him spiraling and leads to the broke version of him in 2015

In the timeline where everything works out and Marty doesn’t race, he ends up sending the audition to the record company right away. Obviously, insecurity, confidence issues, and an obsessive need for validation don’t just disappear with one trip to the old west, but after time travel, he’s able to put himself out there with his music a lot more

After time travel, Marty is stuck in his own head a lot. He’s often very confused about the terms of his own existence, and existentialism aside, he’s struggling to cope with trauma bc guilt from what happened on his travels. And while Marty doesn’t care what other people think of him that much anymore, his own opinion of himself has gotten worse, if anything.

Getting over the initial thoughts of ‘you’re not good enough so why even bother’ is a whole process but he and Doc work through it, and Marty is finally able to commit himself wholly to his music.

Being on stage and performing and just playing gives Marty a reprieve from the trauma and the confusion he’s dealing with and his music gives him another safe space

As Marty starts to heal more and more he also starts auditioning more, playing more confidently, performing his own music and Doc (who moved back to the present) is his biggest cheerleader and is there at every performance

The new McFly parents really push Marty to study music at a college so he can get a college degree, and Marty ends up auditioning for college and studying Guitar Performance with an emphasis on Music Education

He writes several albums, a few become huge sensations, he is able to tour for a bit and he performs quite a lot. Once the kids are born, he stops touring as much, and once they’re older, he pretty much fully stops so he can fully focus on them.

He becomes a music teacher instead and it allows him to encourage so many other budding musicians while still staying true to his own passions

#marty mcfly #back to the future #bttf #doc brown #doc and Marty #Jennifer Parker

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kishimoto-did-us-dirty · 4 years

Text

Naruto Arts School AU

Reposting bc I love this post and bc I can lol

Character

- major

description

Naruto

-Drums

okie nobody can deny that our main boy over here is a loud soul, however, he can also carry a damn good beat that compliments his band mates’ music really well. Tbh, he sucked at music to begin with and had trouble matching rhythms and listening to his band mates when they played, however he eventually became a really good rhythm maker.

Sasuke

-Guitar (lead)

He’d be assigned to the same band as Naruto, and that’s how they met. This boy is a damn good guitarist y’all, but has attitude problems™, and used to not be able to deal with Naruto’s haphazard beat making, thus perpetuating a rivalry between the two. He constantly feels overshadowed by his elder brother Itachi, a piano major.

Sakura

- Dance

Ya girl fucking demolishes every single dance routine. Initially starting out with a focus on ballet (pre-shippuden in canon), our pink headed queen soon realized that she wasn’t getting the full experience of what it meant to dance. Her point shoes were her loves, however they hurt and nipped in places not just physical. She realized that she didn’t want to be pigeonholed into a genre of which she would be inhibited by standard, and rather to dance so as to forget technical perfection. Thus, what would partner with post-shippuden Sakura in canon, Art School AU Sakura got into hip-hop. And bitch, she goes hard. A lot of the other girls who she used to dance ballet with admire her for her absolutely BODYING her dance routines, but also for never sacrificing her femininity to dance and not taking BS for being a girl who goes so hard in a male-dominated genre. (Some people believe that hip-hop is heavy hitting and a little metaphorically “dark” so to speak, which Sakura is not. So obviously I expect a little disagreement regarding this, however if you look at people like Delaney Glazer or Kaycee Rice, that is how Sakura would dance).

Hinata

- Creative Writing

Shy and bookworm-like, Hinata can write the best poetry, romance and adventure pieces out of all the creative-writing majors. She’s especially good at writing character relationships and development, and has such a subtle sense of intelligent wit in her writing, that if you blinked you would miss it. However should you catch it, you’re sure to chuckle. Her only struggle is that she tends to drag on in important scenes, stretching them against the regular flow of the rest of her writing. Needs validation for her writing through an IV drip.

Kiba

- Drums OR Photography

Drums for obvious reasons (loud and obnoxious), although ruff boi looks good with a camera, too. Great at landscapes and street photography.

Shino

- Creative Writing OR Photography

I could definitely see Shino having fucking beautiful handwriting, and being a beast at writing anything within the sci-fi realm. I could also see him doing some journalism, and writing for the school paper. He’s very good at the logic of his sci-fi books and coming up with logical but enrapturing stories, that intermingle knowledge and mystery. He’s a very specific type of read, however, and may not appeal to all, however if you enjoy anything similar to Star Wars or Hitchhikers guide to the galaxy, then Shino is your author. If this doesn’t float your boat, though, try photography-major Shino. He can get the best angles of bugs he sees, and has an extensive portfolio with entomology-related snapshots.

Ino

- Dance

Like Sakura, she, too, began with a focus on ballet, however began to branch out into contemporary ballet a little later than Sakura. This is another reason why Sakura switched her focuses, as she and Ino had always had a fierce rivalry for dieting (ballet dancers are pressured to be as thin as possible) as well as battling for technical perfection when they were ballet focused. As the two grew, Ino focused more so on contemporary, but can certainly do some hip-hop with Sakura every now and then, just as Sakura occasionally takes a contemporary class with her. The two still have a rivalry, however, just not to the previous extent as when they were actively competing against each other. They’re more like sisters.

Shikamaru

- Guitar (bass) OR Creative Writing OR Architecture

Smart boy’s a tricky one. He would either be a bassist, a mystery and historical fiction writer, or, of his school offers it, be great at architecture. Idrk.

Choji

- ermmmmm….. maybe graphic design? Tech theatre (props)? Vocal???

Choji is hARD dwnccnpc (that’s what she said). I could see him behind a computer screen, animating and designing games/covers/posters or whatever. He could also do something in theatre, but I don’t think he would do anything up on stage. Something like props would suit him. He might do something in music, tho???? Can he sing???? Help???

UPDATE: Choji is a band kid. He plays tuba or some shit. Big boy got big lungs.

Tenten

- Dance

Always has been, and always will be a hip-hop dancer. She wanted to be like Tsunade, a legendary dancer and followed in her footsteps, taking up hip-hop. (that’s why Sakura focused on hip-hop, too, because Tsunade mentored her and taught a few of her classes, too). Tenten is fast and can keep up with any beat. Not only is she a great dancer, but she’s also athletic, and does track and field (cross country), football, and softball at another school too, since the arts schools doesn’t offer it. Overall great dancer with styl. She’s really looked up to by some of her underclassmen for her cheery, but badass style and skill.

Lee

- DANCE (hip-hop, too)

It’s sweat. It’s burn. It’s energy. It’s Lee.

Neji

- Violin

First chair violinist in his freshman year for the school’s philharmonic orchestra. He be extra like that.

Gaara

- Guitar (bass)

He had a lonely childhood with neglectful/abusive parents, and rock music really helped him with that. Emo music is emo and often made fun of, but the songs have messages and Gaara related, so self-taught himself the bass guitar to help cope, and bring him closer to the music that salvaged him.

Kankuro

-Art

Specifically sculpting. For obvious reasons.

Temari

- Acting

Girl can make you cry with some of her monologues. Total lead. Has a seriousness in her acting that makes her believable, however can falter on the less-serious roles. She may also double-major in whatever Shikamaru does. And she’s better at it than him.

Itachi

-Piano

Boy could play any etude at age 7. Performed at Carnegie Hall when he was 10. And no, he didn’t pay to play there. The hall invited him. Began composing at 9. Has perfect pitch. Owns international awards. If he’s not at school it’s because he’s traveling to play for crowds. He excels at classical and baroque, however has an ear for romantic, and enjoys playing/composing pieces either written or inspired by romantic pieces. Enjoys Schumann, Debussy, and Tchaikovsky. Hates modern classical music, though. Can only take cinematic pieces composed by people like Williams, however can’t stand Prokofiev at all. He does like modern music, though, so long as it’s outside of the orchestral/classical music realm. He likes R&B. He would have liked to do film with Shisui, particularly producing, however his parents pressure him with piano, so he helps Shisui with student films and projects outside of school (will probably pursue film after graduating, tho).

Shisui

- FILM / VIDEO PRODUCTION

Fight me on this!!! THIS BOY IS SO GOOD AT CINEMATOGRAPHY MY FILMMAKING ASS CAN’T EVEN. AS SOMEONE WHO IS IN LOVE WITH FILMOGRAPHY, TRUST ME, SHISUI HAS IT™. THE IT™. HE’S GOOD AT EVERYTHING. CINEMATOGRAPHY. DIRECTING. SCREENWRITING. GRIP-WORK. EDITING. PRODUCING. HE’S SUCH A FILM NERD TOO, AND WATCHES OLD FILMS ALL THE TIME. HE’S JUST TOO GOOD AT IT. DOES STREET PHOTOGRAPHY TOO. HE’S OVERALL A GENIUS WITH CAMERAS. Does film with Itachi outside of school and teaches him, and the two are overall geniuses at filmography. They want to start their own studio together (they do, and it becomes huge). He becomes a leading director, while Itachi becomes a producer and directs sometimes too.

Sasori, Deidara, and Sai

Guess.

Kakashi

- Saxophone

It’s the only thing that suits him and it suits him so well. Has suave.

Obito (omfg his arms y'all)

- Not to say drums or anything, but…. drums.

Narutard 2.0. But he also dabbles in other areas of music. Like, he can also play guitar and sing. He’s also pretty good at music production. Makes R&B sometimes. He wasn’t always the best musician but proved to be a late bloomer, and really harnessed his potential. Tries to be as suave as Kakashi and his saxophone. He isn’t.

Hashirama

- Vocal

OkaYYYYYY. VOCAL GOD. CAN DO RIFFS AND RUNS AND HAS PERFECT PITCH. ALSO THE SWEETEST GUY??? WAS A CHAMBER SINGER AS A FRESHMAN. EVERYONE LOVES HIM, GOOD BOY ENERGY.

Likes to belt.

Madara

- Piano

Total prodigy, but hates classical music. Once was accompanist to Hashirama for a solo vocal performance and hasn’t been left alone since.

Tobirama

- Viola or Cello

Some sort of string instrument and takes it very seriously. Probably plays cello because violas are violas and that’s lame (if you know, you know). Has almost as many awards as Itachi and Madara, but hates his usual piano accompanist, Izuna.

Izuna

- Piano

Also a piano god. The uchihas breed them. Hates being accompanist for Tobirama. They’re secretly best friends though, don’t tell anyone.

Karin

- Tech Theatre.

Idk why. Probably started out with props and made her way up to TD (technical director) in senior year.

Suigetsu

- Tech Theatre

Fucking hates theatre kids. Assistant TD. Karin hates him.

Jugo

- Visual Art

Paints landscapes and nature. Really good with oils and gouache respectively.

Yamato

- lmao Trumpet.

Met Kakashi since they both play brass, but boy he ain’t got that suave. That’s why he plays trumpet. Lmao he plays the fucking trumpet anjdwcnojdnn.

Rin

- Vocal

Sweetest voice and could also play the acoustic guitar when she sang. Died in a car accident junior year. Kakashi was at the wheel when they got hit by a drunk driver. Obito saw the whole thing.

Kurenai

- Visual Art

Can create dream like paintings that almost seem like illusions.

Asuma

- Cello / guitar

Used to play cello because of his parents, but loves to play guitar. Can sing but his voice is raspy from smoking.

Gai

Who the fuck do you think teaches dance?

Jiraiya

- Guitar (lead)

Used to major in lead guitar. Sucked at first. Probably has a couple, casual Grammy Awards (they’re actually not that hard to be awarded with, The Recording Academy award many people outside of mainstream media. My school has a few). Now teachers as head of the Band department at this school.

Tsunade

-Dance

Legendary dancer. Probably toured with a few famous people. Now teaches. Mentored Sakura, and mentored Ino but for a shorter time.

Orochimaru

- Idk, didgeridoo, or some shit

Definitely a wood wind. Flute maybe??? Teaches now but no one knows what he does. Pedophile. Has a thing for Sasuke.

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marrys-dream-world · 3 years

Text

lovers alone wear sunlight (chapter seven)

Chapter One Chapter Two Chapter Three Chapter Four Chapter Five Chapter Six

Read on AO3

Notes: I’m so not gonna finish this fic before july. Day 19: Chat-like. @ladrienjune

Ladybug became more subdued after that night.

There hasn’t been anything new going on, she had insisted, and no, it wasn’t about her fight with Chat Noir. But her eyes were downcast more often than not and the bags under her eyes were so dark they looked like bruises, so Adrien couldn’t just let it go. He wondered, briefly, if it had been the weather dragging her down as the rainy and gloomy season had descended upon them. Ladybug hadn’t liked the cold since she got her miraculous, he knew, and had always made sure to have a cup of her favorite hot cocoa ready when they met up for patrol.

Then again, everyone around him had been in a foul mood, these days. His father seemed… frustrated. Adrien liked to think it was because of the silent treatment he had been receiving from his son, but he was not in the mindset for unrealistic fantasies. He probably missed Nathalie or Adrien’s mother or simply having anyone he remotely liked in the house. School, although a bit better than his house, had become tense, the whole class somehow aware that he and Marinette were going through a break in their “relationship”.

Even worse, Marinette wouldn’t look at him on the face.

“She needs time, dude.” Nino had said, a comforting hand on his shoulder as Marinette bails as soon as the bell rings. “It’s not about you.”

(Alya, following after Marinette, throws him a conflicted look before disappearing into the hall. Adrien spends the night awake thinking about what it could mean.)

“Listen to your friend, kid.” Plagg tried to comfort him, for once not demanding cheese as soon as they were alone. “Pigtails probably doesn’t know what to say.”

Ladybug, always willing to talk about his problems, was surprisingly unhelpful.

“I don’t really know Marinette that well, Adrien, I’m sorry.” She said, avoiding his gaze. “But… Nino is right. I think she needs space right now.”

Some nights he itched to activate his miraculous and leap into the city nights until he found the balcony on top of Tom & Sabine’s. He never did.

It’s because you’re a coward. A girl’s voice whispered in his mind. Half the time he swore it was Marinette, but the other half he was sure it was Ladybug.

I know. He answered, staring at the ceiling.

So Adrien went to his favorite mechanism to cope through his problems: pretend they don’t exist at all. Fortunately, his melancholic girlfriend provided a great distraction.

The usual distractions were useless. She barely tried at all in video games and her eyes didn’t even spark at the set of special drawing pens (recommended by Nathaniel) that he got her. Their conversations seemed to fall apart without getting anywhere and she just wanted to cuddle quietly, staring sightlessly into the horizon. One day, he got the courage to ask her if he did anything wrong.

Her sigh paralyzed him.

“I’m sorry, handsome, it’s not you at all. I just… had an awkward situation with a friend and I can’t stop overthinking it.” She said, pausing to hug him and bury her face into his neck. “It’s not his fault. Nor mine, really, but… I’m so lost. I don’t know what to do.”

She cried quietly in his arms. His heart squeezed with guilt about how much it reminded him of Marinette and that night on her balcony.

His next plan to cheer her up was, perhaps, a little risky. But she did say she liked his jokes, right?

It was a movie night. Adrien had finally gotten permission to choose a movie after that Ladybug dubbed The Coraline Incident. Fortunately, she had been so shocked he hadn’t watched The Hunchback of Notre Dame (“That’s the Disney movie set in France. Next you’ll tell me you haven’t watched Ratatouille- no, stop that, you’re making fun of me. Say syke right now, Adrien”) yet that she didn’t even argue. It was nice to see some of that fire light up in her eyes again, even if for a small moment.

“Here.” He said, handing her their bowl of popcorn with a quantity of butter that was certainly not pre-approved by his nutritionist.

“Thanks.” Ladybug answered absentmindedly as she set up the movie on his tv. Seeing her so at ease with his things made his heart swell up.

“There is nothing better than a movie and popcorn together.” He said casually and she nodded. “They are butter together.”

It sounded better in my head. He thought, and wasn’t that the story of his life?

Ladybug stared at him for a moment, remote dropping from her limp hand. He was about to apologize before she burst into laughter.

“That’s so l-lame.” She said, trying to catch her breath.

“You mean the joke is corny?”

Her laughter, that was starting to subside, came back in full strength and he couldn’t hold back his proud smile.

“I haven’t heard such a bad joke since…” Ladybug said after she calmed down, smile falling from her face.

“Hey.” Adrien said, nudging her with his shoulder. “How about we just watch the movie?”

She nodded, leaning against his shoulder. But she smiled at Quasimodo and sang along to the songs, looking much lighter than she had in a week.

(He watched her more than the movie, he could admit. Part of it was because he was so in love with her it was stupid and could watch her for hours. The other part was because the way Frollo treated Quasimodo made his skin crawl in a way he couldn’t place.)

Now knowing what cheered her up, he kept it up in every situation he could.

“I asked a french man if he played video games.” He said solemnly, during a round of Mario Kart. “He said Wii.”

“I don’t get the point of decimals.” He said as he explained a math problem to her. Their math books were standard in schools across Paris, apparently. “I’m more partial to fractions.”

“This is great.” He said at the impromptu indoors picnic session after she suddenly brought a passion fruit cake. “Couldn’t have done it batter myself.”

She always reacted the same away: startled, eyes widening and mouth gaping before she began to laugh, the beautiful sound reminding him of bells. It filled the room and it was like bathing in sunshine. Then, after she finished giggling, she would settle into a mildly melancholic mood. It came to its climax on a dark, rainy afternoon.

“Thanks.” Ladybug said, grabbing the blanket he gave her. Her eyes were droppy as she watched the drizzle, shivering before wrapping herself up.

“I see Paris’ prettiest superhero likes to work undercover.” He said, preparing himself to get drunk on her airy giggles.

But she didn’t laugh this time, just fixed her gaze on him before sighing and clutching her blanket.

“Hey.” He said, sitting beside her on the couch. “Did I say something wrong?”

“Not, not really, it’s just…” Ladybug said, looking straight ahead to the window. “You just remind me a lot of Chat Noir when you say things like that.”

His heart stopped. “I do?”

“Yeah, you do.” She snorted. "It 's weird.”

“Why?”

“Huh?”

“Why is it weird?”

She turned to look at his face. “I mean, you’re my boyfriend and he’s my partner. I don’t usually think of you two as similar at all.”

“Why? You don’t think I would make a good superhero partner?” He teased, watching a small smile bloom on her face. “Or you don’t think Chat Noir would make a good boyfriend?”

He expected her to roll her eyes and say a sassy “jealous?”, not the blush and avoidance of his eyes.

“It’s n-not that at all!” She said, kneading the couch with her hands.

“Ladybug… do you like Chat Noir or something?” He asked, not even knowing what answer he wanted.

“What?! No, I don’t like Chat Noir! I mean, yes, I like him, but as a friend! He 's my friend. We’re friend!” She defended fiercely, before deflating. “At least we used to be.”

“My hero…” Adrien said, words of comfort hanging on the tip of his tongue.

“No, really, I need you to understand this: I’m not into Chat Noir, okay?” Ladybug said, firmly. “Even if I was, it’s not like we can be together, anyways.”

“I’m sorry for saying that, it’s just that you’re Ladybug and Chat Noir, you know?” He said, vaguely gesturing as he said their hero names. “And it’s not like you guys are going to fight forever. I know you’re trying to stop me from feeling jealous, but I don’t think this would stop you from being together.”

“It’s not that, Adrien, it’s way more complicated.” She said. “Look, I didn’t even think about Chat Noir that way until very recently. When we started out I thought he was a flirt, that he didn’t mean what he said at all. And then I hurt him and I found out that yes, he does like seriously. Who would have thought?”

Anyone with eyes. He refrained from saying, remembering the dozens of forums talking about the lovesick eyes Chat Noir sent Ladybug’s way far before Glaciator was even in Hawkmoth’s mind.

“Even then I couldn’t see him romantically. There was this boy, you see.” Ladybug said and he tensed, as he always did when she mentioned the other boy. “Hey, don’t worry about it. I’m over him and I found he has a girlfriend now. I’m happy for him.”

She sounded genuinely happy and he wondered, not for the first time, what changed. His traitorous heart was both happy and sad because maybe it was him, but why wasn’t it Chat Noir?

“But for the longest time, I was absolutely gone for this guy, my classmate. I thought about him every second of the day and I could barely hold a conversation. I was scared he would never notice me and that he would notice me and…” She broke off, swallowing hard. “It doesn’t matter, because the point is: I was so crazy about this guy and I couldn’t think about anyone else, especially Chat Noir.”

“What made you think about Chat Noir romantically, then?” He asked and continued at her surprised face. “You said you didn’t think about him that way until recently.”

“I… can’t tell you.It’s not because I don’t trust you!” She hurried to explain at his crestfallen expression. “I just think he should be the first to know. It’s… not a nice story. There was an akuma, an incredibly strong one, and nobody remembers but me and Bunnyx, this time traveling superhero.”

She shuddered and burrowed herself deeper into her blanket.

“I haven’t really talked about it with anyone. Not my friend who knows who I am, not even my kwami.” She confessed. “I want to talk to Chat, to be sure that what happened that time would never happen again. But I can’t because I’m scared.”

“My love…” He said, wrapping her in his arms even as he felt like his heart was trying o climb out of his throat and dread pooling in his stomach.

“It was my fault, Adrien.” She whispered against his chest. “I can’t let that happen. I can’t happen whatever love there is between me and Chat Noir destroy the world.”

With that, she quieted down, not knowing what storm her words brewed inside Adrien’s chest.

#ladrienjune #ladrienjune2021 #ladybug #adrien agreste #my stuff #lovers alone wear sunlight #miraculous ladybug

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tricksters-captain · 4 years

Text

Roman Sionis / Victor Zsasz imagines - Make You Forget

AN: I gave up towards the end I’m sorry!! I hope you still like it though!!

Overall Summary: You just started working for Roman Sionis and once he and his partner take notice of you, everyone knows you’re in trouble. After being broke up with, Roman takes his chance...

Pairing(s): Roman Sionis x Fem!Reader x Victor Zsasz

Word count: 3,397

Warnings: Smut. Threesome. Strong language. Submissive reader.

“New girls. We open in ten minutes. Ground rules...” A older woman who had interviewed you for this gig gathered you and two other girls in front of the bar. You tried to swallow the lump in your throat as she looked down at a notepad in her arms. Were the other girls this nervous for their first shift too?

“...First rule, smile; look pretty. If you smile, you’re approachable, you keep the atmosphere happy, happy customers buy more drinks. Sell as much as you can; how well you do at selling drinks equals whether you’re good enough to stay. You have a month trial for this. If anything happens during the night to do with Mr. Sionis, you do not react or leave or question it. If Mr. Sionis wants you for whatever reason, you say yes. You do not speak to any cops, detectives or journalists without my permission and my permission comes when I get permission off Mr. Sionis for you. It’s sink or swim here, ladies. I suggest you grab your life jacket and try to swim.”

You couldn't say you were surprised at the rules. This was Roman Sionis’s club and Roman was known for his temper and mob deals.

“Appearance is also important. Make an effort. This is one of Gotham’s top clubs, not a goodwill.” You felt her judgemental eyes scan you over which prompted you to go to the bathroom before the doors opened finally.

You tightened your ponytail and took out your eyeliner pencil and lipstick to top up your makeup.

Your uniform was revealing and very uncomfortable. A metal-like frame hovered over your short skirt and nude colour top and you could tell you’d have to get used it to quickly in order to not stand out. You pulled at the fabric to try and cover you a bit more but it didn’t do much.

“You ready, girl?” One of the other new girls smiled at you as she too fixed her appearance in the mirror.

“Here’s to working for Roman Sionis.” You exhaled with a forced smile before you both left the restroom.

You couldn’t help but celebrate as the month came to an end and your name was one of the top positions on the girls board in the break room at the club.

All the girls who served at the club had a leaderboard for who could make the most sales (just for some healthy competition) and so that your manager could kick the ass of whoever wasn’t pulling their weight.

“Damn girl. Took me at least three months to make top 5 girls.” One of the more experienced employees approached you and slung her arm around your shoulders as you looked up at the board.

“Guess I’m just naturally talented.” You smirked playfully,

“You mean just insanely gorgeous.” She winked at you but you just rolled your eyes at her compliment.

“I gotta head home. Anniversary to celebrate.” You pulled your bag onto your shoulder and zipped up your coat.

“Have fun.” She wiggled her eyebrows at you and you responded by lightly pushing her shoulder as you also wondered about the dirty thoughts in both of your minds.

It was your three year anniversary with your boyfriend and even thought things had been hard, you were actually quite excited.

It didn’t take long to get across the east end of Gotham to your apartment but by the time you opened the front door, you expected to be greeted by your boyfriend, he wasn’t anywhere to be seen.

You frowned, slumping your bag onto the floor and kicking your shoes from your aching feet.

“Chris?” You called out, placing your keys and phone onto the countertop before getting a glass from the cupboard for some water.

Suddenly, you could hear whispers and scuffling around in the bedroom.

“You’ve got to be kidding me.” You sighed, placing the glass onto the side as you mentally prepared yourself for what you already knew you were about to see.

“Could you have been a cheating asshole on the day that wasn’t our anniversary?!” You stormed through the door to see Chris pulling his shorts up his thighs.

“What are you talking about?” Chris looked up at you as he tied the drawstrings.

“Don’t act dumb.” You opened the door to the closet to see a half naked girl. There wasn't many other places to hide in the small bedroom.

“Get out.” You ordered her to move as you reached for your suitcase.

“I’m sorry––” The girl was quick to leave the room and the apartment.

“What are you doing, (Y/n)?” Your boyfriend tried to approach you but you swung around, shooting him daggers as tears built in your eyes.

“What are you doing, Chris?!” You snapped. “Because I’m leaving. Now.”

“Fine! I’m sure you’re earning plenty with Roman Sionis’s as your boss... So, maybe it’s time for you to move out.”

“Yeah! Maybe it is!” You retorted.

You almost winced at the way he said Roman’s name like it was almost dirty to work at the Black Mask Club.

“You know, I knew things weren’t right between us but I didn’t expect you to bring a girl home to our bed in our apartment, Chris.” You admitted as you rushed to gather your things.

“Don’t act so innocent, (Y/n). You work for Roman Sionis in that god awful club.”

“Yes! I work for Roman Sionis but I haven’t slept with him!” You were enraged that he would even dare say something like that to you.

You reached for your phone, tossing the keys from the counter at your boyfriends head as you made your way out.

You were fortunate that you didn’t have to work the following day but you knew you'd be back soon enough and you considered if you could even cope with facing crowds of men.

The breakup hit you fully when you laid down that night on your friends’ couch. You tossed and turned as you replayed the relationship in your head, torturing yourself until the light streamed through the blinds and filled the apartment.

“You look like shit. What happened?” Was the first thing said to you when you walked back into the club.

“Me and Chris broke up.” You managed to say.

You knew you looked a mess. Your eyes were puffy and ringed with dark circles. Your hair hung down where it would usually up and styled for a shift to keep it out of your face.

You glanced at the rota as the girls tried to hug and comfort you but you only felt worse when you saw what duty you were on.

“Kate, can you swap with me just for tonight? I can’t bare with being a ring girl tonight.” You cringed at the hoop tray that hung up on the wall.

“No problem.” She sent a weak smile your way with sympathy in her eyes. You tried to return it before you started to apply makeup which didn’t manage hide how rough you looked.

You ran your hands through your hair trying to add some volume but gave up after hearing your manager yell for you to get out on the floor.

“Here. You need it.” One of the girls passed you a shot before you left to go to the door and you downed it gratefully; holding onto the burning taste

You felt even more uncomfortable in your uniform that night since you knew you weren’t looking up to standard.

You were grateful that you’d only be clearing tables and taking the occasional orders rather than prancing around in the hoop but it wasn’t even halfway into your shift when you started to let your mask slip.

You ran your hand through your hair and sighed deeply as you made your way through a crowd with a tray of empty used glasses.

You regretted not keeping your eyes up when you felt yourself hit something, sending you and the glasses to the floor.

“Shit.” You cursed as shattering glass scattered everywhere and bringing everyone’s attention to you.

Your head shot up as you apologised, praying you didn’t bump into anyone important when you met eyes with Victor Zsasz, of all people.

“Shit.” You let the word escape under your breath as your eyes went wide.

“What the hell is going on here?” Roman rounded Zsasz from the booth he was sat in and starred down at you.

“Mr Sionis. Mr Zsasz. I am so sorry. It’s my fault.” You rambled as you rushed to pick up the shards of glass.

Roman starred down at you with a studious look as you hissed, cutting your hard on a large piece of glass.

He recognised your face as he had noticed you before (which was rare with his workers). Within the first two weeks, the girls had warned you that Roman and Zsasz had been watching you as you worked. You just excused it as him watching you to see if you were doing a good job as his new waitress but even you had to admit getting attention from an attractive man like Roman was flattering.

“Oh mistakes happen! Darren! Get a broom and a mop! Get this glass off the floor so we can all continue dancing!” Roman’s bright smile returned to his face as he put on his show. The bartender, Darren, didn’t waste anytime doing as he was told.

“Come here, little bird.” Roman took hold of the hand you hadn’t injured and brought you off your knees. “Now go back and deal with that nasty little cut you’ve got there. I’ll send Mr Zsasz to check on you.” Roman beamed at you.

“I’m really sorry, sir.” Your skin was on fire as Roman cupped your hand with both of his.

You tried to best to get to the back room as fast as you could where Dinah helped you with your hand.

“I’m so dead. I can’t lose this job.” You felt as if you were going to break down and cry again. Could more go wrong?

“You’re a top girl. If anything you’ll get a slap on the wrist and a warning.” Dinah didn’t sound too convincing as her eyes flickered up to yours.

“Or I’ll get knife across the wrist.” You were panicked by the fact that Roman said he’d send Zsasz back to check on you. He was Roman’s right hand man and you had heard all about his adulation for knives.

“Knock knock.” Zsasz appeared in the doorway, his shoulder leant against the frame while he looked down at the both of you.

“Mr Zsasz––” You jumped to your feet but he was quick to interrupt.

“––Roman wants to talk with you upstairs.”

You felt your stomach drop and all you could do was bob your head ‘yes’.

Zsasz lead you back out onto the floor with a nod of his head to follow.

You walked through the crowded club to a backdoor which you knew was the stairs to Roman’s apartment above.

You peered over your shoulder to see Roman meet Zsasz’s eyes and nod his head all the whilst speaking with one of your coworkers by his usual booth.

Fuck.

“Take a seat.” Zsasz licked his lips as he too sat down on one of the sofas.

You sat down on one of the empty couches and tried your hardest to slow your heart to avoid a panic attack.

Zsasz’s eyes seem to burn through you like Roman’s touch did.

“Miss (Y/n) (Y/L/N).” Roman’s voice coerced your eyes away from your hands and straight to the man himself as he sauntered in. “My girls seem to like you a whole lot. Practically begging me not to fire you. Not that I’d dream of it. You make me a lot of money, Miss (Y/L/N). Not to mention that I am a fair man.” Roman spoke as he walked down the hall toward you and Zsasz.

“One of the little birdies told me that you aren’t exactly having a great time right now; couch surfing, long term boyfriend cheating on you.”

“How did you?” You already knew the answer. The girls downstairs told him hoping he’d cut you some slack.

“See what I don’t understand is, why any man would throw such a sweet face out onto the street?” Roman approached you, lifting your chin with his gloved finger. You couldn’t tell if you were even breathing at this point.

“I––”

“––Shhh.” Roman hushed you, “Don’t you worry anymore, little bird. I’m here to make it all better.” Roman crouched down, running his finger up your jaw to your cheek.

Zsasz smirked as he watched.

“Mr Sionis.” You started,

“Call me Roman. Please.” Roman’s finger dropped to your plump lips. His eyes watched as his name glided off your tongue.

“Roman. I don’t know what’s...” You could barely speak with Roman being so close. His smell was intoxicating and his touch was electric.

“It’s okay, little bird.” Roman repeated his actions from the club where he took hold of your hand and brought you to your feet.

You couldn’t look away from his eyes. A blue like nothing you’d seen before, only highlighted more by the thin dark liner.

“This can’t be comfortable. Let’s take it off.” Roman’s fingers brushed over your the cage of uniform.

Roman waved Zsasz over with a spin of his finger and soon Zsasz was behind you pulling off the metal overskirt and top off your body.

You were then left in your nude-coloured undershirt and skirt stood in-between Victor Zsasz and Roman Sionis.

“Tell me, little bird. Do you find Mr. Zsasz, here, and I handsome?” Roman has a mischievous look his eye as he watched you. His tone was playful and it only excited you further.

Your mouth was completely dry as you struggled to find the right words to answer.

“She does, Boss. I caught her watching you just last night.” Zsasz stepped closer to you, brushing your hair off your neck as he placed his chin above your shoulder, smiling at his boss.

“Is that right, Mr. Zsasz?” Roman step forward himself.

“That’s right.” Zsasz’s laugh rang in your ear as he answered.

You closed your eyes and tilted your head back slightly as your chest rose and fell whilst your heart raced.

“Well I think we should help our (Y/n) here forget about that stupid old boyfriend. What do you think, Victor?” Roman suggested,

“Please.” You were almost shocked that the words left with your breath.

Roman chuckled at the unexpected answer but didn’t waste anytime.

He circled his finger once again at Zsasz and stood back.

Zsasz’s lips brushed against the back of your shoulder causing a shiver to ripple across your body.

He sucked and nipped along your neck as you leant into his body. Your hand automatically reaching up and wrapping around the back of his neck to bring him even closer.

Zsasz kept his hands on your hips, his nails digging into the skin through the thin material of the skirt.

You could feel how hard he was against your ass as he held onto you.

Within minutes, your skin was then enflamed by a different touch.

Roman placed his hands on your waist, above Zsasz’s. He brought the both of you closer as he pressed his forehead against yours, his breath hot on your cheeks.

“Now that’s a good girl.” Roman purred as he admired how you looked giving into Zsasz’s touch.

Roman guided your hands away from Zsasz and brought them to his own bulge.

Your eyes snapped open to see the lust dark in Roman’s eyes.

You leaned forward, kissing Roman with a desperation.

Zsasz let you move forward, letting you go just to rip the back of your shirt and skirt, leaving you in your underwear.

You rushed to unbuckle Roman’s belt and dug your fingers into his boxers, taking hold of him.

Roman deepened the kiss, hungry for more.

As you went to pull down the man’s pants, he suddenly spun you around.

You gasped at the sudden change but willingly reached towards Zsasz who had slowly started to unbutton his shirt as he watched you and Roman. You finished the job by pulling it down his arms, his lips on yours immediately after.

You moaned into the man’s mouth as his tongue explored yours.

Roman’s hands slithered round your stomach and cupped you, rubbing the wetness of your panties and smirking against your neck.

“Victor.” Roman pulled away, pushing his hair back off his flushed face as he caught his breath.

Zsasz took the hint and kicked off his pants, pawing himself through his boxers as he took your hand and walked slowly backwards towards the bedroom.

Roman poured himself a small glass of whiskey and threw it back as he followed you both.

The minute you stepped inside, Zsasz backed you up against the wall, pinning your wrists above your head as he rubbed himself against you. The delicious friction almost enough to make you cum on the spot.

Roman placed his glass down on the bedside table and the sound seemed to send a signal to Zsasz as he pulled from the wall and pushed you down onto the bed.

You fell back, starring up at the men still stood above you.

Your stomach fluttered as you saw the desire in their eyes and their erect members poking through their boxers.

“She was your pick, boss.” Zsasz looked between you and Roman.

Roman's eyes devoured your body before he joined you on the bed.

His lips fought against yours as you both kneeled up on the mattress.

Zsasz placing himself behind you again.

“Enough.” Roman growled as you pumped his cock with your hand.

He forcefully turned you onto your stomach, your ass facing the man and your face in line with Zsasz’s waist.

“Fuck.” Roman cursed as he slid his tip against your slit, his cock twitching against your wetness.

You exhaled a shaky breath as he pressed himself against your entrance, stretching you out slowly.

“What a naughty little bird.” Zsasz cooed as his hands tangled themselves in your hair, raising your head to look at him.

Zsasz removed his length from his boxers, he wrapped his hand around it and brought his tip to your lips.

“Is the naughty little birdie gonna be a good girl?” He asked as his pre-cum wetting your bottom lip.

You closed your eyes tight as Roman began to pump in and out of you slowly, letting you adjust to his size. He groaned at how tight you were around him.

“Good, Boss?” Zsasz teased his boss’s moans with a thick smirk on his lips.

You took that moment to lick up Zsasz’s tip.

But Zsasz didn’t like teasing.

He thrusted your head forward with his hands in your hair.

You didn't object as you took his member into your mouth.

“Fuu...” Zsasz closed his eyes as you began to suck.

You let pleasure overtake you as Roman picked up his pace, you matched his pace to Zsasz and soon you were all a sweaty, panting mess.

Roman slapped your ass as you pulsed around him and let out a loud growl.

Roman’s thrusts were getting so fast and a rough you had to take Zsasz from your mouth and use your hand.

Roman rolled you over and propped one of your legs up onto his shoulder.

You looked up at Zsasz as he placed a thumb in your mouth, hooking your cheek as you pumped his cock above your face.

Roman grew sloppy as he neared his end and you cursed as you too came undone.

Zsasz finished before Roman, cumming into your mouth as he threw his head back.

It didn’t take long for Roman to spill his seed onto your stomach as he pulled free.

“That’s our dirty girl.” Roman held your chin between his thumb and fingers as he praised you.

Zsasz left and returned with a towel as Roman pulled his pyjama trousers on over his naked half.

“Here.” Roman handed you a yellow pyjamas shirt that seemingly had his face printed on it. “Mr Zsasz please take our little bird to the shower so that she can get cleaned up.”

#roman sionis #Roman Sionis imagines #Roman Sionis x reader #Victor Zsasz x reader #Victor Zsasz #Victor Zsasz imagines #birds of prey #birds of prey imagines #Ewan McGregor #Ewan McGregor imagines #Chris Messina #Chris Messina imagines #harley quinn #margot robbie #imagines #imagine #smut

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the-second-tonks · 3 years

Note

Hey Tani! I’d like to be apart of your game and send in a request for Marvel please. I’d like everything you have to offer me.

Facts about me: My pronouns are she/her, I’m 5’5, I’m black, I have short black wildly curly hair. I have deep brown eyes often mistaken for black. I’m a Libra Sun, Leo Moon, Capricorn Ascendant, Leo Venus, Scorpio Mercury, Sagittarius Pluto, and MC Scorpio. I’m sassy and sarcastic. I’m an INTJ. I’m really funny and creative. I get jealous easily. I have a hard time with my emotions and being vulnerable to others. I also have really bad coping mechanisms. I might potentially have anger issues. I have trust and commitment issues. I can get very clingy. I’m pretty straightforward, but sometimes I’ll hide how I feel to appease others. I’m very intelligent. I’m an introvert, but once I get know you and feel comfortable around you I’m very silly, loud, and chaotic. I’m pretty tough. I’m really passionate about things, maybe because a lot of things really resonates with me and I’m able to find a real life connection with things sometimes. I like to think I’m romantic. I’m often daydreaming. I can be arrogant, narcissistic, and selfish at times. I usually see and assume the worst of people before anything else.

Likes: Music, dancing, singing, cooking, writing, drawing, researching, and reading. Food, cherries, roses, Disney World, Disney, binge watching. Nature, especially water. Doja Cat. History, Science, Language Arts, Psychology, Biology, and Astrology.

Dislikes: Messes, drama starters, people quick to anger, slackers, people less efficient than me, people who try too hard, people who think they’re better than others, eggs, sushi, and seafood.

Hii Alex!! I'm so happy you're participating . You added the info about wearing glasses and loving cats , so here you go !!

Thank you for participating !

Your power is

High IQ

Definitely , I don't have any doubts . This suits you very well . Your high IQ will definitely bring you into limelight . Your IQ will be very helpful to the Avengers for creating new stuffs and things , new suits , new theories , etc . You'll be a very great addition in the team . I'm very sure you'll have a suit designed for yourself . Your IQ might even overtake Bruce and Tony , Peter too . They all will always consider you as their best lab partner and will wait for you do that you all could start working together. You will be one of the brightest Avengers ofcourse and also to add , your decision is going to matter a lot . Sometimes everyone might even go with it because you calculate everything and then declare your decision .

Your life with the Avengers

so , your backstory . Being a member of a very normal family , you never expected yourself to be so different until you were answering tough questions of high standard science in middle school . Your IQ was very appreciated by your school , your parents , your friends and the world . And so from Tony Stark and the Avengers . But , since your IQ was very high , you wanted to do further studies . Asking your mom and dad for funds , they couldn't provide you , which angered you very much . Setting out for an internship , you came across Tony Stark . Ypu joined them in the age of Ultron movie and fitted very well int he group . All of them adored you and you liked them back . But soon , you found someone who was so good to you , Natasha (okay I know I shipped you earlier and it was Nat as your bestfriend but right now , I'm leaning more towards Peter Parker as your bestfriend) . So nat was a good friend but meeting Spiderman in civil war , go you a bestfriend , Peter !!

You and him , both were in the bus when his senses tingled . He nudged you and you both launched towards the strange looking spaceship as soon as Ned created the disturbance . You summoned your suit from the Avengers tower and readied yourself for the fight .

Soon , you ended up from following Peter into the spaceship despite Tony's order to fighting the strange creatures in the war beside Black Panther, Captain and Nat . You fought bravely , until everything fell down and people started disappearing . Wishing Peter and Tony (also the rest) to be alive , you went back with the team . Getting to know that your bestfriend disappeared and your lover was in pieces , you set out to bring Peter and others back .

Succeeding in it , you were with Tony throughout the Endgame . Ending the war happily , you smiled at Peter and Tony . Returning back with everyone , almost everyone alive , you locked yourself in the room to handle your crazy emotions over the loss of Natasha and others .

Your bestfriend would be

Peter Parker !

"How in the earth did you-" Peter huffed while speaking this . You both had challenged eachother on who would finish the reaction first . And guess what ? Who had won it . Peter slammed the book shut , sad at his loss . You smiled at him teasingly and spoke "So , Spiderboy" you smirked . According to the challenge , if he would loose it, you'd call him spideyboy , which he hated ofcourse . But you also loved him as a friend . You couldn't see him sad ofcourse . Clearing your throat , you began singing a song which was slow and happy . He smiled a bit with his head down . You got up manly and offered him your hand , asking him to dance . He took it , half laughing already . Okay , for a few seconds you both did dance , sophisticated . But later , you both were dance juggling your bodies at your own wish , doing weird steps and jumps to make each other laugh . Ending with this , you both plopped down on the bed with a smile and another beautiful memory in your brains . You slowly got up and walked to the kitchen of Peter's home , exiting his room . Taking in your hand-made dish you had made for the meet-up you and Peter had , you carefully walked up . Peter had already smelled the food and was all excited to execute the plan in his brain . As soon as you opened the door , the plate in your hand was smashed right on your face .

After a 'small' fight and cleaning the mess , you were back in the kitchen but with Peter this time ..

Your s/o would be

Tony Stark !

You smiled at the thought of working with Tony alone today . Bruce was on a holiday since he wanted to go on a date with Natasha . Entering the Avengers tower and greeting F.R.I.D.A.Y , you walked to the lab . Surprised at not being greeted by Tony , you looked around the empty lab , expecting Tony to be in a corner , working on something . But nothing , except for a note on your workspace . It said

'Find the code : Iodine Livermorium Yttrium , 111 '

You sat with the note , confused as hell . Trying the atomic number , adding them , subtracting them , adding the half , subtracting the other and every other pattern , adding up the atomic weight , doing every arithmetic possibility with them but nothing. You got nothing until your brain told you to see it alphabetically and not numerically . Checking it out with detailed eyes , you figured out only one thing , which wasn't possible. 111 indicated checking the alphabets of the number in each word . Writing them down, you noticed 'I L Y' the abbreviation of I love/like you . For a second, your excellent mind went blank , only possibilities it could see was either someone had got to know about your feelings for Tony or maybe Tony wanted to say this to you . You ran your hand through your short hair in frustration , removing your glasses for a while . Suddenly , the door of the lab opened again, revealing the man which made your face go pale . You weren't able to move , but he was being so casual . Smiling , moreover smirking , he spoke "Did your cat catch your tongue ?" . Before you could reply , he walked over to your desk , peeping over your shoulder and speaking "Oh , so you figured it out huh? I thought you wouldn't get it until I return from setting up our date .."

Now , I'll leave it to you if you wanna say yes or no ◉‿◉

I hope you liked it !

Thank you for participating !

#tani plays games #game for you all #tony stark #tony stark x reader #avengers life #marvel avengers #avengersedit #marvel ships #marvelheroes #marvel #peter parker x fem #peter parker x tony stark #peter parker #peter parker x platonic!reader #ship request #ship requests #send in requests #Alex✨

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missmentelle · 3 years

Note

TW Suicide Attempt

Hey, I don't know who else to ask. I'm seeing a new therapist and I want to start fresh. I'm particularly haunted by my last relationship, and I'm not sure if I was abused, but I'd like to mention it to my therapist first if I was.

My ex started out normal, but after a while he asked me to delete pics with my exes. I thought nothing of it, because I didn't care if I had the pictures or not. I also used to be a model, and he asked me to delete nudes, and I did. Then he said I should stop modeling, and I agreed, even though I wanted to model. And then he made me take down non-nude modeling photos, and made me delete them off my hard drive. And would get mad if they were on a USB that I forgot to check, or if some were online because photographers didn't want to take them down (as was their right per our contracts). He'd stress me out, tell me to talk to everyone who had my pictures, etc. Then he asked me to throw out things that were my exes (presents, stuff that was theirs originally but they gave me, my stuff that I had left over at their houses), and after that, all my modeling clothes and prints. I didn't want to and we got into a huge fight. I generally don't raise my voice at all (actually I speak so low most people have trouble hearing me), but I did that time and every time it came up until I finally threw everything out. And then one day I found a sex toy his ex had left over (she had left over all her stuff and never picked it up, but he swore he'd thrown everything out), and I flipped out because it was in the nightstand we shared, just buried under stuff. And I felt gross and used, and well, he made me throw out all my exes stuff, even silly stuff that had no feelings attached and was just nice to have. And we had a big fight. We used to fight a lot at first, and it's all blurry, I just remember once he pinned me down, and choked me so I wouldn't leave, so the next time when I wanted to leave, I hit him with a perfume bottle (he was fine, didn't even get a bruise or anything).

And after he agreed to move to another place (a neutral location), things kind of calmed down, although we did fight once and neighbours heard. I don't know what to think because everyone says I abused him, and his family even blocked me after the break up.

Everyone thought I was unfair and treated him badly. I definitely don't see that, but I'm not sure if he abused me or not.

Most of the time I complied because I didn't have any place else to go, and didn't want to be homeless. When he broke up with me I attempted suicide and ended up hospitalized and later homeless anyway.

We had some happy times though, bug I just don't know what to think. I just feel weird and haunted and anxious after this relationship, and I'm scared to ever be in one again.

Oh, and I'm the anon who just asked if maybe I was abused by my ex. I forgot to say he didn't want to go to my parents house because he knew one of my exes stayed over when I was alone, and he didn't want me to go visit them often.

He also made me cut out everyone on my life who I ever dated, kissed/made out with, or had a crush on.

And he'd get mad if my family displayed my model photos, or photos with a vintage family dress that I wore as a model in a photoshoot with my ex.

He'd also complain if I made plans with friends, because I was going to spend too much money, or stay out too late, or walk home late at night (which I did frequently before).

He was abused by his previous girlfriend (or at least that's what he told me, he said I could look at the messages between them if I wanted, but I refused).

He also made me throw out my favorite top because he knew it's what I was wearing the last time I had sex with my ex before him (we were friends before and I told him, and he had seen me that night, so he knew what I was wearing, and it was a very very specific top).

For starters, I need you to know that what you’ve described is an extremely abusive relationship, not just a “possibly” abusive relationship, and I think it’s important for you to know exactly why that is:

He got violent with you. This alone is enough to make the relationship dangerously and severely abusive. Your ex pinned you down and choked you when you tried to walk away from an encounter. That’s an actual felony; people do prison time for that. Choking is a particularly dangerous form of abuse - he could have very easily killed you or caused some permanent damage.

He couldn’t handle the fact that you had exes, and he dealt with it in the least healthy way possible. Your ex-partner’s obsession with your exes was beyond unhealthy. Forcing you to throw out perfectly good clothing or non-sentimental items because they had some association with your ex is unhinged. In a healthy relationship, both people understand that their partner is not with their ex anymore, and trust that the other person isn’t going to fall madly in love with their ex again just by using a toaster that the ex once used to make breakfast. Being able to cope with the fact that your partner once loved and had sex with someone else is a bare minimum requirement for a healthy adult relationship. No exceptions. It seems clear that you were never going to reach a point where he felt you’d done “enough” to purge your exes from your life - he was going to keep obsessing and keep whittling away at your life, without ever being satisfied that you were truly “his”.

He was dangerously jealous. The level of jealousy that your ex showed was abusive, and potentially life-threatening. As I’ve already mentioned, it’s not normal for a partner to be fixated that hard on a partner’s ex. It’s also alarming that he was so obsessed with the fact that revealing photos of you might exist somewhere. You are allowed to have photos of yourself on your own hard drive, nude or otherwise. That’s your fucking business. You don’t have to justify keeping those photos - no one has a right to tell you to delete them. Not even a partner. You did nothing wrong here. It sounds like he couldn’t handle the fact that other men found you attractive, and he decided to punish you for it. That’s not okay.

He was controlling. In a healthy relationship, you are allowed to wear what you want. You are allowed to decide which possessions you want to keep - even if that includes hanging onto old gifts from an ex. You are allowed to meet with friends, spend your money, and stay out late sometimes if you want to. You are allowed to model if you want to, and you are allowed to have photos of yourself on your own personal devices and give others the right to use and display those photos. It’s a bare minimum requirement that a partner treat you like an adult and respect your choices, even if they don’t always agree with them. The level of control that your ex tried to have over your life was absolutely unacceptable, and it was abusive.

He intentionally sabotaged your career. You had a career as a model, and you enjoyed doing it. He made you stop. That’s not acceptable. Your partner couldn’t handle his own jealousy and insecurities, so he made you stop doing something that you were good at, something you did professionally. That’s another form of control, and it’s abusive. In a healthy relationship, partners support one another’s careers and passions. They don’t intentionally derail the other person for their own selfish reasons. He had no right to tell you to stop modelling, and he had no right to demand that you delete the products of your work.

He socially isolated you. He kept you away from your friends and controlled how often you could see them. It sounds like he might have intentionally turned some of your loved ones against you. That’s a common tactic of abusers. When you are cut off from friends - or when they are no longer on your side - it’s harder for you to leave the relationship, because you no longer have someone to turn to for help leaving. In a healthy relationship, your partner encourages you to have friends and to make them a priority in your life.

He made you responsible for his emotions, and held you to a double standard. Whenever HE was upset, YOU had to drastically change your life to suit his feelings. When YOU were upset at finding his ex’s sex toy in the nightstand, he got angry with you for being upset - he didn’t make changes to his life for your comfort, but expected you to do it for him. That’s not okay. A partner who is unwilling to take responsibility for their own emotions is a dangerous partner - and sure enough, he turned violent when you got upset with him. A healthy partner recognizes that their emotions are their responsibility, and they deal with their insecurities without taking it out on their partner.

He trapped you in a situation where you could never win. Your abusive ex was fixated on things that you could never change - the fact that you had exes, the fact that you modelled, the fact that other people had old modelling shots of you. There was no way for you to ever change those things; you couldn’t go back in time and un-date your exes. So he just kept holding those things over your head, forever. He found a way to keep you in check by permanently trying to hold you accountable for things you did in the past that could never be changed. He made sure he always had the moral upper hand in the relationship, as a way to keep you down.

Moving forward, I think it’s important for you to understand that you didn’t do anything wrong here. You are allowed to have exes. You are allowed to own things that you exes once touched. You are allowed to model. You are allowed to have photos of yourself. None of those things make you a bad person or a bad partner, and you should never have to apologize for any of them. If your ex had a problem with any of those things (and he clearly did), it was his responsibility to either deal with those issues on his own, or leave the relationship if he knew he couldn’t handle it. He did not have the right to stay and mistreat you. This is on him, not you, and there is absolutely no excuse for what he did.

Whether or not your ex was abused by his ex-girlfriend is irrelevant here. It might not even be true - many abusers feel intensely victimized when their actual victims resist their control, and it’s very common for abusers to falsely claim that they were “abused” by the partners they terrorized. But even if it is true, it doesn’t matter. It’s not an excuse. There are no excuses for abuse - not mental illness, not addiction, not “anger issues”, nothing. There are no “get-out-of-being-a-good-partner FREE” cards. If someone is in a place where they are at risk of harming their partner, it’s up to them to get therapy and to avoid relationships until they are prepared for a healthy one.

I think it would be a good idea for you to talk to a professional about what you experienced. If possible, look for a therapist who specializes in helping survivors of domestic violence. If you don’t have access to a therapist, contact a domestic violence agency or hotline, and see if they can find you some resources for free or affordable counselling. A professional can help you unpack what you experienced, work through the trauma, reach a deep understanding of how relationships should function, and prepare to move forward with healthier boundaries and self-esteem.

You can also find online support groups for survivors of domestic violence - these groups can help you connect with other people who have had similar experiences and understand what you’ve been through. It can be a great place to get support from others and share advice for working through it. You can look for groups through Google, or on social media platforms like Facebook and Reddit.

It’s also okay if you need to take some time - or a lot of time - to work through this before you feel comfortable dating again. That’s normal. That’s okay. Focus on building a life that is comfortable for you. If you want to return to modelling, that’s an option you can explore. You could pick up some new hobbies, look at going back to school, or reconnect with the friends who’ve been supportive of you through this. Some people find that art or journalling can be useful for working through these feelings - you could give that a try. Spend some time focusing on rebuilding your self-esteem and comfort in your own skin, and don’t feel pressure to start dating again until you feel ready. Best of luck to you, MM

#Anonymous #AnsweredByMM

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dammitadolfnomorecake · 3 years

Text

Once Bitten, Twice Stupid prt 94

Lance had fled. The cow crapped in his living room and that was that. He’d made it very clear Matt and Rieva were to scrub the floor clean or they wouldn’t be joining them all for dinner. Pidge and Hunk had a few things to finish up as it was, provided they’d get over the hilarity of Matt and Rieva gifting him a stolen cow. Naturally Hunk didn’t find the cow theft itself funny, only the absurdity and randomness of their now being a cow in the house... which was kind of funny, because no normal person would “relocate” a cow.

The rest of his presents had been marginally better. Rieva proved to be an okay gift giver if you didn’t think about the cow. She’d gifted him non-relocated plants, herbs for his garden and cat grass for Blue. Clearly her idea and not Matt’s who’d given him a “voucher” to join them in bed if his heats got too much. He’s tried to throw it out, but Matt rescued it for “safe keeping because you never knew”. Hunk normally gifted him garlic knots and cookies, a standard and tasty gift, that didn’t happen this year now that Hunk knew he was a vampire. His poor ray of sunshine gifting him a voucher to a department store in Platt, seeming guilty over not knowing what to give him. Lance didn’t mind. It was a practical gift, and lately Rieva and Matt had been wearing off on him. His bed turning into a mound of blankets and cushions, Rieva teasing him about nesting. He didn’t know what nesting was, only that he felt safe in his mounded up bed and seeing it was his house, he could do as he pleased. Pidge declared herself the best gift giver ever. He loved his gremlin, but could only groan at her present. She’d brought him a “vampire hunting kit” online. She was so proud of herself, thinking it hilarious. Lance did not. Trust pop culture to get a hunting kit wrong. There was some major eye rolling at the polished wooden stake in the box... God only knew what was in the enclosed vials that came with the kit, probably dye and water... though the crucifixes were pretty, so that was nice.

Lance didn’t think about the next predicament of what to do now that’d arrived in Platt so early. Dinner wouldn’t be until 6:30pm, so he’d head over to the nursing home around 5pm to spend some quality time with his Mami. It was a little after 11am now, meaning he couldn’t head to VOLTRON given they’d all be getting ready for the mission and he’d be underfoot. That didn’t stop him from parking in front of the bookshop out of habit. With three spare hours, he wanted to see Keith so badly it hurt. Pulling out his phone, he nearly screamed when someone tapped on his window, Krolia all smiles as if she hadn’t taken 10 years off his undead life.

Rolling the window down, Lance wasn’t sure what to say to her. All plans to get her and Keith on the same page hadn’t eventuated. His boyfriend struggling so hard with figuring out how to feel about his mother. It sucked. Lance wanted to take all that pain away, but the only one who could do that was Krolia herself

“Keith hasn’t come in yet, if you’re looking for him”

No. His boyfriend was probably still at his apartment but Lance didn’t want to park up out the front and make a scene

“I was going to give him a call... see if he wanted to get lunch or something before the mission”

“So he told you? Oh... that’s right, it’s your birthday today... Why don’t I take you to lunch, my treat”

Ummm... what?

“You don’t have to go out of your way...”

Lunch with Krolia didn’t seem safe... He didn’t want to step on Keith’s toes, or meet with Krolia behind his back

“Nonsense. It’s no trouble at all”

“I should let Keith know...”

“He’s the reason I thought we should talk. I don’t want to make things complicated between you... but he won’t listen to me. I just want to know how my son is doing”

Lance knew he was fucked. His fierce love for his Mami, and his family, made it impossible to say no. If he was estranged from his Mami, he could picture her asking his friends about him

“You know I can’t say no to that”

Krolia did. Her smile hadn’t wavered at all

“Excellent. I’ll let you choose the place, you know this city better than I do”

Please lord don’t let him be murdered for this... by Keith or Krolia... maybe Krolia... yeah, he’d rather be murdered than cause a misunderstanding between him and Keith. Fuck. His Mami always told him to be polite... and his Mami had hit it off with Krolia...

“Jump in. I think I know a place”

Lance was still quietly hoping for murder as he and Krolia sat inside the dimly lit pub. It was the same place they’d come as a group after the others had learned his secret. The pub itself wasn’t that poorly lit, but he’d tried to pick somewhere kind of unnoticeable from the door. Sitting on one side of the booth, Krolia slid herself in on the other side, picking up the menu

“You look tense. Don’t worry about Keith”

He was pretty sure worrying about Keith was now a default setting, right up there with over thinking

“How can I not? I feel wrong meeting with you when he’s still trying work out his feelings”

“You care about him a lot, don’t you?”

Lance supposed it wasn’t as obvious to Krolia... in fact, she probably thought it was weird

“Very much. That’s why... I don’t want to get between the two of you”

“Keith has made it clear that he doesn’t want to know me”

What kind of crap was that?! Keith was dying to connect with Krolia

“That’s not true”

“Let’s go ahead and order. Do you... eat?”

“I can and I do”

“Excellent. Now, what’s deep fried and covered in grease?”

Lance ordered a salad, with a nonexistent appetite, it was something he could pick at. Krolia ordering a steak burger so raw the meat reminded him of his new cow... that wasn’t his cow and he was in no way attached to. Her plate loaded with fries, and her drink of choice a chocolate milkshake. Not what he expected

“Do you want a fry? You’re staring”

He didn’t mean to stare. No one told him that his birthday was going to take this unexpected turn

“I’m fine, thanks...”

“Then loosen up. You might be a stiff but don’t tell me you have a stiff sense of humour?”

“My sense of humour is fine. I’m just not sure what I’m doing here”

“I want to get to know the man my son’s dating”

“If you want me to break up with Keith, that’s his choice to make”

Krolia dipped a fry in her milkshake, sending drops flying as she shook it

“Whoa. Hold up. Okay. No. Keith is well and truly able to make his own choices... I’m making a mess of this”

He couldn’t talk to Krolia like she was a regular person. The Blades were all weird. He needed to remember Keith’s initial social weirdness and work around it

“No... no. I’m being cranky. I feel like I’m breaking Keith’s trust and it’s not a great a feeling. Your son... he’s amazing. He really is. He’s so smart and funny. He’s complicated and awkward, but he’s so... You’re missing out. He wants to know you, but he’s scared of being alone. He gets scared when he feels out of control and lashes out. Thinking that it’s better to push everyone away before they get to see how much he’s hurting. He gets lonely really easily. And he’s so sweet. Even if our first date was a bit weird, he’s always trying his best”

Lance gushed. Word vomit came easy when he thought of all the ways that made his boyfriend made him happy. Keith wasn’t a perfect human, he had many flaws, like his failure to work without coffee, but Lance wasn’t perfect either. That was the thing about love though. They both knew they weren’t perfect but together they were muddling through it, while working on themselves as they did

“Do you want to see something?”

Lance had no idea where that question was going

“Okay?”

Pulling out her wallet, Krolia passed it over. Lance taking the silent hint to open it. Finding a well worn piece of paper in the back, his fingers shook as he pulled his out. A happy family staring back at him. Krolia, so in love with her partner, a mother’s smile on her lips at Keith, bundled in his father’s arms

“We don’t keep a lot of personal items being Blade members. The newer generation does, but we’re all prepared to die. Every mission I’ve been on, that photos waited for me to come home to. Giving them up broke my heart. It took everything I had not to go back. I really thought Keith would have a better life if I wasn’t there”

“Have you shown him this?”

“No. He wouldn’t listen if I tried”

“Then you need to keep trying”

“Maybe...”

Whatever Krolia was thinking was wrong

“My family isn’t happy. I know what it’s like to have distance and it fucking sucks. Keith... he always feels like no one sees him as anyone other than your son or Shiro’s little brother. He wants... he wants to be accepted how he is and who he is. Krolia, he’s such a good man. He really is. I always kept a distance. I never ever thought something like me could have the love of someone as amazing as him. He wants to know about you. About his dad. What you like. How you became a Blade member. He wants to be closer to you. I shouldn’t be saying any of this because I don’t want to be in the middle of it, but I will always, always be on his side. I can’t forgive you if you hurt him. I can’t. I can’t even cope with him liking me because he’s just... he’s just Keith and he’s amazing how he is”

“I don’t know how to tell him. He was so cute as a child. He had this purple hippopotamus that he’d carry everywhere. His father couldn’t send me updates on him, but... He was the sweetest little thing. He loved that hippo so much. He loved riding on his dads shoulders... he... he was so cheeky, so happy... he’d probably hate the memory if he knew that hippo came from me. You know, his dad named him. I wanted to call him Yorak, but he wouldn’t have it. And I wouldn’t have Keith any other way”

Keith wouldn’t hate the memory. Any memory Krolia could share with him was a memory Keith had lost along the way. Krolia really did love Keith

“I know it’s old and cliche, but if you can’t find the words write them down. And this photo, this photo would bring him so much comfort. He doesn’t talk about it, but I know he’s lost most of the memories of his dad”

Krolia went silent for a bit. Lance had really meddled too much. He’d said more than he wanted to, and this meeting really was hurting his heart because he felt so guilty that Keith didn’t know about it

“Maybe”

Her reply didn’t give him much

“Can I call Keith? I really don’t feel comfortable”

“Yeah. I only really wanted a chance to meet you alone to see what you thought of Keith and if you were serious with dating him. He’s precious to me. Leaving him has broken me like nothing else ever has. Anything else is a bonus. I’m glad my son has someone who sees him... even if you’re old enough to be his father”

“Don’t remind me. I have no idea what he sees in me”

He was dead. Old. Grumpy and didn’t like crowds... he didn’t have much to offer

“I think I have some idea”

Shiro answered Keith’s phone, explaining that Keith was busy. Quickly Lance unloaded on him that he was at lunch with Krolia and wanted Keith to know so there wouldn’t be a misunderstanding. Shiro sounded surprised, then understandably nervous about telling Keith.

Half an hour passed before Curtis, Shiro, and Keith arrived at the pub. Keith ready to explode into a fit of rage

“What the hell?!? What do you think you’re doing?!”

Lance flinched. Yep. This was why he was scared of...

“I’m sorry...”

Huffily, Keith crossed his arms. Lance unable to look at him. He’d known this was wrong. He felt physically sick...

“I wasn’t talking to you. I know this had to be mum’s idea”

Krolia defending him had Lance sliding down in his chair

“Don’t be mad at him. The whole time he was here he wanted to call you”

“Maybe he should have done that to begin with, or maybe you shouldn’t have kidnapped my fucking boyfriend”

“Babe...”

“No. I know you would have agreed because you’re too nice. I’ve been stressing all morning and now you’re having lunch with her”

Lance didn’t mean to turn on the waterworks. Keith was lashing out and every comment felt like a hit to the gut. All he’d really wanted was a nice simple day with Keith on his birthday

“Keith, I think that’s enough”

Placing his hand on Keith’s shoulder, Shiro seemed to know how Lance felt. He knew that Lance didn’t want to be here and how much it hurt to feel like he was betraying Keith

“I’m sorry... I know. I know. I didn’t want to be in the middle of you and your mum. I know I fucked up”

Sliding out the booth, Lance blindly pulled all the bills out his wallet, leaving them on the table before slipping past Keith. This was another bad birthday in a long line

“Lance”

Keith called his name softly, Lance looking at his boyfriend through a fresh wave of tears

“I’m sorry... I’m so sorry I hurt you”

Once again he was fleeing... with absolutely no place to go other than to his Mami because he’d really done it this time.

Keith knew he was acting out. He knew and the words still came out. What was his mother thinking taking Lance to lunch like this?!

“This is the part where you’re supposed to go after him. He only met with me because I wanted to talk about you, and get to know him better”

“You had no right”

Yeah. Keith knew this. Lance couldn’t say no because he had a stupidly big heart. That’s what made him such an idiot crumpet. His boyfriend was trying to let them work this out for himself but Keith couldn’t.

Pushing her empty plate towards Lance’s barely poked at salad, Krolia twisted to face him properly

“What am I supposed to do when you keep shutting me out? I want to be in your life. I want to learn about you from you. I thought maybe we could have a nice lunch and talk. That’s all. That man seriously loves you. He said repeatedly he didn’t want to meddle and you should have heard how he talked about you. You need to go after him and apologise”

Like his mother would be the first one he’d listen too about relationship advice. He already knew he had to apologise. He didn’t need her telling him

“What would you know?”

“Because I know how devastating it is to miss your opportunity!”

Keith didn’t know what to say to that. Shiro’s hand was digging into his shoulder now. They all had regrets. Things said and left unsaid... He shouldn’t have blown up at Lance. He knew he shouldn’t have. Triply so on his boyfriend’s birthday

“I don’t know where he could have gone”

“He was parked in front of VOLTRON when I ran into him”

Keith shook his head at his mother

“Lance knows we have a mission today and wouldn’t want to be in the way”

“Where else would he go?”

“I talked to Pidge before and he wouldn’t be going back to Platt. Rieva and Matt stole a cow and Lance wasn’t happy at all over it”

So his boyfriend was already having a bad birthday before Keith made it worse

“Perhaps he went to Miriam? If he knew he couldn’t see Allura or Coran at the moment?”

Curtis was a genius. Lance had to be headed to see his Mami

“Shiro, I need your keys”

“I don’t know if I should let you drive...”

“Give me your keys or your collectables get tossed”

Shiro’s eyes went wide as he pulled away

“You wouldn’t. Not my limited collectables...”

Fuck the stupid things. He had to apologise for being a douche canoe

“I would for Lance. I need to... I need to see him”

Shiro pulled his keys out, passing them over

“Don’t forget you need to be at VOLTRON at one”

“I’ll be there”

As Shiro passed his keys over, his mother cheered him on

“Go get your man!”

Keith felt awkward about visiting the nursing home without Lance beside him. The staff kind of recognising that he’d been there, so all it took was a quick explanation before he was signed in and shown through to the garden area where Lance was cuddles up with his mother. This felt like a terrible idea on his behalf. Lance probably never wanted to talk to him again. He was so fucking good at ruining things. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, Keith slowly walked over to the pair. Miriam holding Lance as Lance cried softly against her shoulder. Shit. What if Miriam hated him for making Lance cry? He hated him for making his boyfriend cry.

“Mijo, you have a visitor”

Miriam offered him something that wasn’t a smile, nor was it a frown. All Keith could describe it as was a “mum look”. Yeah. He’d fucked up, and she knew that he knew, and he knew she knew and now he was expected to do something about it

“Babe...”

Lance clung to his mother. Miriam sighing at him

“Mijo, you can’t ignore Keith”

“He wants to break up because I hurt him”

Miriam glanced at him around Lance

“That’s the clearest he’s been since he showed up. Would you like to explain what happened?”

Keith sighed. He really wanted to sit on the other side of Lance and cuddle him until he calmed down

“My psychotic mother kidnapped him for lunch and he was too nice to say no”

“Lunch sounds like a lovely idea”

Was Miriam messing with him, or did she think he and Krolia were suddenly going to besties

“It would be if it wasn’t my mother’s attempt at meddling”

Miriam smile fondly, moving her hand to pat the spot behind Lance

“It’s a mother’s job to meddle within reason...”

That was Miriam meddling. Sitting on the edge of the bench, Keith’s stomach was a pit of nerves as he rested his forehead against Lance’s shoulder, hand moving to rest just past Lance’s elbow

“I deserved to be punched in the dick”

Lance sniffled loudly, hiccuping as he wrestled his tears under control

“I don’t want to be in the middle. I want you two to work it out together. I know it was wrong... but she wanted to know if you’re okay... and I got to see a photo of your dad... she really fucking loves you and I don’t want to pressure you... and I don’t want you to keep fighting. I want you to be happy. Stupid Matt and Stupid Rieva stole a cow. Pidge dressed as a vampire. Hunk didn’t give me food because he thinks I don’t like eating normal food. You’ve got a mission. Our whole night was changed. And you were so mad at me”

That was a lot of “ands”. Lance didn’t seem to be having a good day at all, or everything he’d been trying to laugh off he couldn’t cope with now Keith had messed up. He was mad. Mad. Scared. Confused. Hurt. Betrayed. And a dozen different words that made his heart race at the sight of them together at the pub

“I was... am... I just don’t see why you’d go out to lunch with her, or why you didn’t tell me sooner. You can’t let her bully you”

Smooth. Real. Fucking. Smooth. Maybe he could go on his mission and just not return? Perhaps the ground would swallow him whole so stopped being such a dick?

Lance placed his hand over Keith’s, still talking at mami’s chest rather than Keith

“But she’s your mum. I... I want to know more about you and her. I’m 19 years older than you. I’m not cool, or hip, or rad, or whatever the word is these days... I know you hate having to talk everything out... and I know you both are awkward as hell... but you’re hurting and I hate it”

“That’s not your pain, babe”

“It is because it’s yours. I want to be the one you lean on, not the one you feel you have to keep secrets from. I know it’s hard for you, and I felt so rotten that I couldn’t tell you before we talked”

“I’m the one who overreacted. I know you’ve got a good heart and I shouldn’t have snapped. It really hurt seeing you able to talk with her”

“I could barely say anything right. Please don’t be mad. I told her if she can’t find the right words to say to write them down. It doesn’t make up for her leaving, and what she says isn’t my business. I’m not trying to force you to talk her. You’ve got to move at your own pace and be ready when you do”

Keith knew that. He knew Lance respected him enough to handle this on his own and that his boyfriend only wanted what was best for him. It was a little early, but he really wanted some time with Lance before the mission

“Mami, do you mind if I borrow Lance?”

“Heaven’s no. You two make up properly or neither of you get dessert tonight. I must say I’m looking forward to dinner”

“I hope you don’t mind. When I organised it, it was supposed to be just the three of us”

“Lance isn’t very good at handling his birthday... or his friends. Don’t worry about me, as long as you two work this out”

“We will. I’m sorry I upset him”

“Couples fight. Making up is the fun bit”

Lance snorted wetly, Keith didn’t know what kind of face to make when Mami was hinting at sex so openly

“Mami!”

“Go have a good time with your boyfriend. I’m very proud of you, Mijo. Happy birthday, my precious little boy”

“Mami, I’m 45”

“And you’ll always be my precious little boy. Go on. I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time with Keith”

Lance seemed lost as they walked back to where they’d parked, Keith finding a spot across from Lance. Almost shyly he asked

“What do you want to do?”

His boyfriend was too cute

“I’ve got the hotel key... I know it’s early, but I’ve still got time before the mission. It’s your birthday, and I really want to spend some time with you”

“You haven’t even said it”

“That’s because I’m waiting until we’re at the hotel. You want to lead and I’ll follow? You’re probably better at finding this place again...”

A smile finally crept across Lance’s lips

“You do have a habit of getting lost”

“Directionally misplaced. Get your phone out and I’ll send you the address”

“Sounds good... babe... I really am sorry”

Keith couldn’t not hold his boyfriend. Wrapping his arms around Lance, he melted into the hold

“I’m sorry too. There’s no excuse for how I acted”

“I get it... I’ll see you soon?”

“Yeah, babe”

#once bitten twice stupid #oncebittentwicestupid

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readingsbylibramc · 3 years

Text

birth chart reading for @sunfiowershrooms

hello! welcome to your reading. I’m gonna give you a quick overview of what I’m going to analyze about your natal chart. feel free to ask me anything if something isn’t clear, of course. you’ll find out your dominants’ influence on your persona, your physical appearance, impression on others and the way you approach the world; your ego, identity, the real you; your reactions, your desires, inner emotions; your way of expressing your feelings, your mind and ideas; your desires and approach to love; your energy tank, instincts and temperament; in-depth analysis of each house with their rulers and analysis of heavy aspects; love life + soulmates/karmic partners interpretation; your relationship with your friends; your family life; your approach to career and work in general + possible jobs suggestion; your style, fashion sense analysis; life purpose and past life description; basic transits’ analysis to describe your current mood and, last but not least, your secret skills, how to make the most out of your soul and manifest what you desire based on your birth chart.

🦋 chart shape, dominants

your chart is a splay shape, meaning that your planets are located randomly in different groups in your chart. people with this type of chart are usually very talented at different things. they can focus their attention on different matters, from family, to work, to love. everything is important for you, and you try to live your life to the fullest. you may be particularly talented at things that require action, it doesn’t matter whether it’s physical or mental. you may be very good at sports, dancing… or maybe you’re good at leading, you could easily be the boss on your work place. since you’re interested in so many things, you could easily be skilled at all of them to be honest. my advice would be to pick the hobby that is most important for you and care about it more than the others. that’s because people with this chart usually tend to do so many things that they may lack precision. it’s better to give all of yourself to what’s important for you.

your dominant planets are venus, jupiter and mercury. you are a very creative person, you may have an eye for aesthetics and you may enjoy the finer things in life, you probably enjoy shopping and following trends. you're also very smart, and you could be quite philosophical as well.

your dominant sign is libra. you're overall a peaceful person, you try to avoid conflicts if possible, even though sometimes you could have a sharp tongue. you're a romantic person, maybe too much. you hold unrealistic expectations of people, hence you often get disappointed when things don't turn out the way you thought. you're able to see both sides of an argument, and that's both good and bad. in fact, you're very objective, and most probably your opinions are right; yet, it may be annoying for people that are venting to you, as you could constantly point out their mistakes, even though you don't do it out of malice.

your dominant element is air. in your life, you adore seeking knowledge of any kind. you may be interested in studying different subjects, from those you study at school like science, maths, literature etc. to more unconventional ones, such as astrology, psychology, criminology and so on. you enjoy interacting with people; even if you’re not that sociable, you’ll still be interested in their point of view and their ideals, as you see it as a way to expand your own mind. you’re also interested in vintage, and you may have a retro aesthetic or just like history in general.

🌎 ascendant in sagittarius, 20° / 3rd decan ruled by jupiter and the sun

you see the world as an adventure. I feel like you typically don’t relate to sagittarius ascendant stereotypes; sag risings are usually very happy-go-lucky, they smile often, but pluto being conjunct to it may change things a bit. you’re more of a loner, you’re not as extroverted as other sagittariuses. you may relate more to scorpio rising, actually. ironically, you often look sad or angry. you have a knack for philosophy, and your favourite is most probably ‘you only live once’. you tame dying before making the amount of experiences you want to have in your life, hence you could even be impulsive sometimes. you’re the type to always be up to crack a joke or anything that can make you and others smile, yet when someone gets against you, it’s over for them. you have quite of a sharp tongue, you’re pretty blunt and straight-forward. in fact, you may often get in troubles due to your impulsiveness, which may be misunderstood. you have an incredible charm to you; it’s not like taurus’ or libra’s, those are more related to physical traits. sagittarius people, on the other hand, are surely very talented at something; maybe, at school you were one of the best students, and everyone recognized it and appreciated you for that; people understand your potential, and you may often receive compliments for your skills. basically, your personality is charismatic. due to pluto being conjunct the ascendant, I feel like you may even struggle too much with pessimism during your first years, but in case you are, you shouldn’t be. jupiter is also your dominant planet, and it’s willing to give you the best of luck if you respect its themes. hence, you need to have faith in the universe and be optimistic. try to look more at the positive sides in life and even in people. physically, sagittarius is all about abundance, hence you may have trouble losing weight. you could have big bones, or at least something bigger on your body that doesn’t make you look like a victoria’s secret’s model. you’re more on the thick side, in fact you probably have a pear/hourglass body shape, with wider hips and/or thick thighs and lower body in general. you could also have wide shoulders, and something big and memorable on your face as well. maybe you have a very distinctive nose, or perhaps your eyes are almond-shaped. your forehead and lips could be pretty wide as well. I’ve also noticed that sagittarius peers have a very lively sparkle in their eyes, even though they may be very dark. it’s like having two/three tiny diamonds at the centre of each of your eyes. last but not least, you may have sharp cheekbones and very dark features, such as dark hair or eyes.

sagittarius ascendant opposite gemini saturn: you may be shy and have self-esteem issues, especially during your early years. because of that, you may often appear as insecure to others, or even unreliable. you have a strong desire to be with someone and commit to them, you despise supertificial bonds, but at the same time you may find yourself being too shy to approach others, especially during your early years. this may apply more to the younger you, actually. you don't feel much comfortable around other people, and others can sense that; your insecurity is exposed to the world, and some may take advantage of that to hurt your feelings. you're afraid of being judged, whether it's for your appearance, or maybe because of your ideals or interests. hence, you end up becoming reserved. this is something that will be solved through growth and time; the older you get, the easier you'll be on yourself. also, thanks to this aspect, you're a responsible person with defined values. to cope with this placement, I'd suggest you to do what makes you feel the best. there are different ways to boost your self-esteem, so maybe you can work on that and then start expressing yourself freely; if you do it without the fear of being judged, you will shine even more.

sagittarius ascendant conjunct sagittarius pluto: this aspect enhances your scorpio rising even more. scorpio, combined with your scorpio sun and pisces moon, makes you look a little bit naive. people may try to take advantage of you, and to defend yourself you tend to become bossy. you’re really competitive, and feel the constant need to prove others’ wrong, even though it’s not the best way to do it. in your life, you could encounter lots of enemies that may try to stop you from transforming yourself. or maybe, your grandfather is an authoritative figure in your life and in your family’s in general, and his influence has a big impact on your life. also, something I’ve noticed about pluto conjunct ascendant individuals is that they may feel unhappy when they’re young. as time goes by, they transform and become as they want, which makes them feel more satisfied with themselves.

🌞 sun in scorpio, 3° / 1st decan ruled by pluto

you're quite of a loner, you prefer spending time alone rather than with others. you're extremely intuitive, and you can read people like a book; they can't lie or keep secrets from you, you'll surely find out. you're pretty charismatic, and paired with your wise intellect it's hard not to agree with your ideas, especially considering that your moon is in pisces. you're basically a leader, a very demanding one. you have high standards regarding everything: clothes, food, goals, people... you're always striving for the best, you don't want to settle down. on the other hand, even though it may take you a while to find someone worth of your affection, once that someone shows up you'll stay with them forever. you're deeply loyal, and also caring in your own way. that's because you value feelings, you can easily smell when someone isn't trustworthy. you're probably very protective of your friends and loved ones in general, sometimes even too much. this could even escalate and become a more serious issue, as scorpio is also the planet of obsession, after all. it's common for you to feel your emotions x2, as they're too intense to handle. you know everything about others, but you don't show off and gossip about it. actually, you keep the info for yourself and use it when you need it.

scorpio sun square capricorn mars: you’re extremely passionate about the things you love, you strive to be perfect at them, and your perfectionist, capricorn nature confirms this. this could make you quite competitive, as your capricorn mars wants to succeed and be always right. I feel like you don’t really enjoy being in the spotlight; you’d rather avoid conflicts, or at least not be the center of them. yet, sometimes it’s hard for you not be aggressive. I don’t think it happens often, but you can be very blunt and rude if someone truly gets on your nerves. this, paired up with your scorpio energy, makes you sort of dramatic. as long as you don’t react like this too often, I don’t think it’s a big issue though.

🌙 moon in pisces, 0° / 1st decan ruled by neptune

hands down my favourite moon sign! you're extremely empathetic and sensitive, you care a lot about others and you treat others' problems as if they were yours, you get totally immersed in them. you have quite a vivid imagination, you're able to idealize and picture anything you want. while this placement gives you an incredible amount of creativity, it can also make you uncomfortable. in fact, you may actually find yourself imagining every detail of every situation, even the worst ones. let's suppose you hear of a rape at the news; you literally start imagining the scene detail by detail, and it makes you extremely uncomfortable. actually, it literally ruins your mood, as it's as if you actually lived that scene. going back to the creativity matter, you have the soul of an artist; you have very enhanced emotions, and you're able to express them through artistic outlets. you could be amazing at writing poetry, books, art, music... also, your particular empathy of human's intellect can also make you an amazing psychologist or actress, as you're able to understand others' feelings and make them your own. you're extremely spiritual, and if you don't feel like that, you just have yet to have your spiritual awakening. you may be able to talk to spirits, for example, or perhaps you have very meaningful dreams. or maybe, you could literally predict the future through them. you're also most probably an avid daydreamer, you tend to get distracted easily because you're too busy thinking about random scenarios in your head. seriously, you could even make a movie out of them. you're also an hopeless romantic, and you dream of finding not just your spouse, but your literal soulmate. to make it simple, you want all of your daydreams to become reality.

🗣 mercury in libra, 15° / 2nd decan ruled by venus and uranus

you're very diplomatic! you always try to be nice and gentle with your words, you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings. your tone of voice is extremely soft, sometimes it could even be hard to understand what you say, as you could naturally have a low voice. you're extremely balanced, you have amazing problem-solving skills as you're able to see both side of an argument. it's natural for you to understand what's right and what isn't, and most of the times you're actually right. when you're with someone you're not really close to, you could even be the accommodating type who allows others to speak over your voice, or maybe you let others speak first as a gesture of kindness. I feel like with your jupiter dominance you have very strong opinions, and you're actually particularly proud of them. luckily, this placement makes you able to communicate them with diplomacy. you could often get angry if someone tries to prove you wrong, but aside from that, you try to be very elegant and formal when you speak. you're probably not fond of cursing, or at least you try to appear as mannered as possible with people you're not comfortable around. last but not least, you're such a charismatic, smooth talker that you result very persuasive. you're able to trick people with your words, which appear very diplomatic and calm.

libra mercury conjunct libra venus: this placement confirms your struggles to open yourself to the world. you’re insecure that your thoughts and ideas may be judged negatively by others, hence you just bottle them up with your feelings. this aspect is mostly positive, though! you’re probably a good singer, or at least you have a very calm tone of voice that is pleasant to hear. you’re able to see both sides of an argument, hence you may be good at helping people making up. you could actually be suited for psychology! you may also earn money through your voice and thoughts, so you could be a writer, a journalist, an actress, a singer etc. this placement assures that you may be sociable, or at least that you have great social skills.

libra mercury square cancer jupiter: this placement emphasizes your intellect. your mind is so broad that you can come up with different theories and philosphies, making you a sort of genius. you're probably good at memorizing things, and you could even have a photographic memory. yet, with this aspect, you may have troubles being consistent with your ideas. you may overestimate your needs and thoughts; for example, you may promise yourself to get all As in maths, then you get tired and bored and you end up getting Cs. same goes for your handwriting, for example: you may start writing in the best way possible, then you get lazy and end up writing in a sloppy way just to take notes. you also overthink a lot, and that causes you self-esteem issues. on the other hand, you're very open-minded and objective, as you look at the big picture. you'd do very well as a journalist, for example, or perhaps also as a judge of any kind. you may also be naturally skilled at foreign languages, you can mimic accents pretty well. you're probably also very poetic and / or wise, you're like a teacher for your friends.

❤️ venus in libra, 13° / 2nd decan ruled by venus and uranus

love this placement! you're very romantic: you're not looking for a partner, you're looking for a whole disney prince. you do care about looks when choosing a lover, but not necessarily a conventionally beautiful person. they have to appear perfect to your eyes, and this usually depends on the way they treat you. in fact, you despise vulgar, rude people. people that act like that immediately become unattractive to you. you're also very picky, exactly because you're looking for the perfect lover. you're probably the type to cry at movies. you're also quite of a cliche; you're into roses, romantic dinners, sunsets... anything romantic that you hear about in fairytales. the problem with this placement is that you may overestimate the people you frequent, ending up having different expectations from reality.

libra venus square cancer jupiter: you come off as a very positive, happy-go-lucky person. you're extremely friendly, and this makes you be good at social relationships. you may have lots of friends, or at least you have the potential to make many if you opened up and talked to them. yet, while this energy gives you positive vibes, some people may take advantage of that, as you could easily be mistaken for naive. people can try to dominate you unconsciously (sometimes even on purpose) not only in relationships but even in friendships. aside from that, I don't think this placement causes you many problems. you may have the tendency to procrastinate and not work. you could be quite lazy and get easily distracted, as you're constantly with your head in the cloud. yet, thanks to your capricorn energy, you still manage to find some motivation to do your work.

☄️ mars in capricorn, 29° / 3rd decan ruled by saturn and mercury

you can get scary when you want, especially with your impulsive jupiter dominance. you're a serious competitor, as your mind is very strategic. your ambition makes you want to be the best wherever you are, and you may actually overwork yourself to achieve your goals. establishing your status is important for you. you may not be the type to act instantly, you prefer taking your time to follow a plan. in fact, you probably write down what you have to do in an agenda, or even in your phone's notes app. you have this strong sense of duty, as you feel 100% responsible of your fate. you're sure that, if you don't work hard, you don't deserve success and recognition. in fact, you don't take orders from others, you are your own boss. you could have materialistic tendencies, as wealth is what motivates you the most to work or just take action in general. you may often experience burnouts, as capricorn, especially in mars, brings intense workaholic tendencies.

🏡 houses

your 1st house is in sagittarius. your relationship with your image could be quite complicated; chiron here points out that you’re quite insecure about the way you look. you may struggle with your self-image often, and you may even have a physical scar somewhere on your body or face. pluto conjunct the first house also gives you a very bold, strong presence, and hence you may be even intimidating. yet, you’re also extremely magnetic and charismatic, maybe even sexy. I assume that you struggle to fully embrace your potential, though. especially during your early years, you had a fluctuating self-esteem. you used to find yourself weird and ugly, you didn’t love yourself. luckily, if you work hard on your mentality you'll start being way more optimistic, and as a result you'll be more confident in yourself as well.

your 2nd house is in capricorn, with also neptune, mars, the moon and uranus sitting in this house together. your relationship with money may not be totally stable; you may get distracted easily, and you could lose your money around. you could be quite messy, overall, or in general, this is usually a placement that indicates sudden money loss. this placement also confirms that your self-esteem isn’t stable either; you could be quite insecure, and you may idealize a lot the way you look. for example, you could think that you have an ugly nose when it’s actually the opposite. same goes for your belongings; you may think that you have saved loads of money, you spend them, and then you realize you didn’t really have much. regarding your self-esteem, your imagination and your creativity could surely make you feel better. you may have an artistic hobby, such as acting, drawing, etc. that could earn you compliments and praise, and hence it increases your sense of worth. you could also increase your self-esteem by taking pictures or videos of yourself, for instance. you love challenging your mind, but you're kind of lazy. you'd rather stimulate yourself through your hobbies and interests rather than using school / work, which are quite stressful for you. you need to find something material and concrete to motivate you and make you assertive. you could study just because you need a good grade, or maybe work just to get paid. you don't really do it with interest, as you care more about nurturing your passions than responsibilities. you're not really into conflicts; you'd rather be peaceful with everyone, as you find it a waste time to argue with someone. you're very peaceful, you try to avoid conflicts when you can. this placement makes you crave stability, whether it's financial, in love etc. you must be very stubborn, as taurus is a fixed sign. this placement, paired with your imaginative water energy, makes you settle on making your ideas concrete, and it's very beneficial. it makes you capable of achieving any goals in your life. you're also very artsy, and you may fancy particular art styles. you have a good eye for aesthetics, and you care a lot about the looks of your house, body, clothes etc. you have excellent concentration, and that is another thing that helps you achieve your goals and make your ideas concrete.

your 3rd house is in the sign of pisces. when it comes to speech, you’re most likely more introspective. you may not be much talkative, and most of the time you keep your ideas and thoughts to yourself, but actually it's hard for you to hide them. you may be secretive, but you're easy to read. you learn the best when you’re close to creativity or imagination, you’re very intuitive and hence it's easier for you to learn new topics. while you're very empathetic and you're able to properly convey your thoughts and feelings in your speech, you may also come off as sensitive or even insecure. you may have a quiet voice, and hence you could come off as shy. since neptune, the ruler of this house, is in the 2nd house, I assume that the best way to deal with this issue is gaining more self-esteem. you may be introverted due to your insecurity, and hence dealing with it will be crucial for you to solve this karmic lesson.

your 4th house is in aries. while outside you may appear as very polite, when you feel comfortable you actually become way more fiery. you’re very impulsive in your home environment, you could have actually been some sort of warrior. maybe you used to argue a lot with your parents, perhaps because they were too overprotective. it wasn’t totally peaceful, there were a few events that made you hold a grudge, maybe even subconsciously. it might be regarding a family member, or even a childhood mate. during your childhood, you weren’t much sad, though. it could be that your home environment was a bit intense at times, or maybe one of your parents is absent, emotionally or physically, but it was nothing too serious, as your mars isn't bad aspected at all.

your 5th house is in taurus. you are a very creative, artistic person. you’re able to relax by watching netflix, eating, writing, painting… anything that can be done at home. you’re not the type to hang out too often or party all night, you’re more of a homebody. you could also love sleeping in, just being able to stay in bed all day wearing comfy clothes is a vacation for you. you probably had to grow up sooner than others kids, you seemed much more serious and mature than them. but remember, while this placement gives you a strong sense of duty, it’s also important to nurture your creativity, especially since your placements indicate that you have a very strong imagination. in fact, I see you earning money thanks to your big dreams, you could surely be successful in a creative or artistic career. you could work behind the scenes, you could be a graphic designer, a photographer, a videomaker, a screenwriter, or you may even be a celebrity of any kind. you could also work in the beauty field, such as a mua, a hairdresser or as a stylist.

your 6th house is in gemini, with also saturn placed in this house. in your daily routine, especially at work, you have to communicate a lot. you come in contact with lots of people, or maybe you write stuff like blogs or books. generally, you have a very hectic schedule, as you have different hobbies and appointments that you can’t abandon. your ideal career has to include something that allows you to express your personal taste, ideas and interests. in this way, it won’t feel too heavy to you, and you’ll find pleasure in working. you probably thrive from being efficient not just at work, but also in your daily routine; you probably like having a schedule, a routine of any kind (like a diet or a skincare routine for example). with saturn here you could also be quite delicate , you may get sick easily and you could suffer from anxiety and any kind of throat/breathing disease. you may also have problems with your arms and hands.

your 7th house is in gemini, with also your jupiter sitting there. in a partner, you seek someone intelligent that is able to keep up with your rhythm. you don’t have time to nurture someone, you want them to fully understand you. in fact, you may be more attracted to older partners, as they’re supposed to be more mature. I don’t see many issues arising in your marriage life, it will probably be very peaceful, but it may take you a while to find someone you like. you’re a picky person when it comes to love, you want someone hard-working and responsible with a big brain, yet they should also be quite outgoing and funny. you need mental stimulation, someone that is a constant adventure for you and that is worth exploring. you may meet your future spouse at work, according to your chart. otherwise, you could meet them in a bank, in a restaurant, at a concert, at the mall… also, they could help you gaining more confidence in yourself. there's also a high chance that they're going to be foreign, you may meet abroad or perhaps they're going to travel to your country. you may be a people pleaser but you're overall a very romantic individual.

your 8th house is in cancer. you are a very private individual, you have trust issues and you only share your concerns with people you're sure you can trust. you tend to preserve yourself, even though it’s hard for you to repress your emotions, as they’re too to intense to bottle them up. you absorb people’s feelings like a sponge, there’s no way that you won’t instantly understand their real emotions. overall, you tend to overreact a lot; you have cancer's sensitive energy on one side and 8th house’s mysterious, almost scary vibe. dealing with these emotional burnouts may be stressing to you, as you totally get caught up in them. even if it looks like you get to know other people often, you actually don’t let others know you. you’re the type of person to talk and socialize, especially after your saturn return, but you never reveal your deepest fears and thoughts to strangers. you only open up to people you’re sure you can trust. when you’re angry, you can literally go as far as using violence; you need to let out your emotions by screaming, swearing… anything that can make you feel better. when you don’t get rid of all your negative vibes when angry, you may tend to get physically sick; you could get stomachaches, or maybe even headaches. there’s a secret, sensitive side in you that needs passionate and romantic partners in love. yet, you can’t help but feel more attracted to the ones that may hurt you badly. you’re possibly quite sensitive to entities too, like ghosts, spirits...

your 9th house is in virgo. you have a practical approach to philosophy and your thoughts in general. that is, you’re able to grasp a lot of information that makes you think more on your identity. you’re interested in psychology, and that explains why you decided to get your chart read after all. you were a perfectionist at school, and you probably had amazing grades. you are very justice-driven, you like learning new stuff and being the #1 at pretty much everything you care about. yet, you could be quite bossy at times, as you could come off as a bit too arrogant but you're just very dedicated. the ruler of the 9th house is in the 10th house: you could attract people in your life that are foreign, or perhaps open-minded people that are able to speak more than one language or are bicultural. this placement also indicates that you'll most likely get to work abroad, or perhaps you'll come in contact with people from all over the world, therefore you may have to speak another language or deal with new cultures.

your 10th house is in libra, with also your sun, mercury and venus. you have an eye for aesthetics, and you want to have a reputation for looking classy and mannered. basically a lady, but that knows how to stand up for himself. in your ideal career you need something that makes you express your need for beauty, possibly even justice. you may have a passion for poetry and literature in general, or maybe you could be particularly skilled at fashion. you have a natural talent to match colours with undertones, body shapes, vibes etc., and you could make this particular ability of yours a job. you’re also a charismatic, strong-willed speaker, hence you could also do well as a lawyer, a politician, an activist etc. your ideal career involves arts and aesthetics. you could become an artist, a writer, a poet, an actress, an interior designer, a stylist… this type of things. also, your career and indipendence are most likely to boost your self-esteem. in addition, you may also be able to get very well-paid, you could even be in the spotlight or famous.

your 11th house is in scorpio. you are extremely picky with your friends. you have a few trust issues, probably caused by your karmic issues again, that make you secretive around your friends. you may close yourself in your shell, or maybe you actually know a lot of people, yet you only consider a few of them your friends. most of the time, you may also befriend people that try to take advantage of you. or perhaps, since there’s a possibility that you understand that, you could be the one who leads the group and acts quite bossy. this is something that gets naturally better with time; actually, your friends will be of great help for you to grow up. you may have big dreams for your future, yet you may feel intimidated as they’re very intense, and hence hard to make come true. you need to pay your karmic debts in order to finally feel comfortable with others and have the motivation to achieve your long-term goals.

your 12th house is in sagittarius, with also pluto sitting in this house. you’re particularly interested in religion and higher beliefs, hence meditation would be effective for you. yet, you need to get enough sleep, or you could not be able to fully embrace the spirituality of this placement. you may also be able to have prophetic dreams, or at least they have a strong moral beyond them. venus in this house indicates that you may daydream about the perfect romance. you have strong ideals, you're a very fair person and you expect a lot from people, but you may sometimes be let down from others because of these high standards of yours. you most probably prefer being alone in your free time. you may be introverted, and hence you're surely not the type to attend parties or clubs. you may also have spiritual hobbies, such as yoga, meditation, astrology, tarots, religion, etc.

❤️ love life, soulmates

in love, you attract sagittarius, taurus, virgo, gemini and leo placements. your future spouse will most probably have virgo and leo placements, hence they’ll be very smart, patient and confident, but also very intelligent and a bit selfish. it may be love at first sight, and you may find them very attractive. you could meet them at work or most certainly abroad, there are many indicators in your chart of a foreign spouse. perhaps you could meet them during a vacation, or maybe in any kind of context where you need to speak another language. they may also be your soulmate, and you may dream of them often. your children are most likely going to have taurus placements, therefore they'll be very creative and affectionate, even though quite stubborn and materialistic.

👶🏻 family life

your mother is a very fiery, impulsive person, with a short-temper. she could have even been quite violent with you during your childhood, and she might have a few childish behaviours. deep down, she’s actually kind of insecure with her role as a mother. she may have aries, libra, scorpio or pisces placements in her chart. your father, on the other hand, is more submissive. he’s a peaceful person, even though he most probably has a passive-aggressive behaviour. you could actually have a better relationship with him rather than with your mother, or at least he understands your needs better. he may have libra, leo, virgo, gemini, aries or taurus placements in his chart. if you have siblings, they most probably have aries, pisces, cancer or aquarius placements in their chart. you may have an amazing relationship with them, you may understand each other very deeply and your bond could be quite emotional, even though you may argue from time to time.

📊 career

you could do well at a variety of jobs to be honest! with your gemini in the 6th house you could actually work in different fields before sticking to one career, hence you’re pretty experienced. I certainly see you being successful in your career, you will most likely work alone and you'll most likely be a boss. you're very hard-working, so I can see you having your own business for example. otherwise, you may also do well in an aesthetic field, or even more practical jobs like lawyer, judge, possibly also a therapist or psychologist. and again, you may work abroad, so maybe as a translator, as a teacher etc. you would also make a great singer, actress, writer, model, photographer... you'll basically get to communicate something in an artistic, creative way.

👚 fashion sense, style analysis

you’re very traditional about your clothes, maybe even basic. you’re the type to have lots of essential clothes in your wardrobe, e.g a white shirt, white t-shirt, jeans etc. you love wearing sophisticated, elegant fits. for example, you may be fond of wide leg jeans, or maybe flare trousers, boatneck sweaters, tiny jewellery… things like that, that are always a must have. you may fancy pastel colors, or even neutral shades like black, white, grey, beige etc. you’re also the type to follow fashion trends.

👁 past life, life purpose

in your past life, the focus was on yourself. maybe, you had troubles with self-esteem and identity in general. you had to work hard and finally understand who you were to fulfill your past life purpose. hence, this lifetime your focus will be on the bonds you create with others. even though at first you might feel almost scared to the idea of marriage, especially having mars in the 7th house, this lifetime you're here to develop this matter. after all, you may despise love for your troubled past. with your north node in the 7th house, you're naturally lucky in love. there's nothing to be afraid of, you only need to take small steps and open your heart to someone, putting your worries and insecurities aside.

🤔 major transits analysis / june 21st

last year was probably very rough for you. at least, you’re finally discovering the truth about who you are; you’re finally learning how to love yourself for who you are, without having to change. by the next year, you should be able to feel much more comfortable and confident. even though you may still face some hardships, don’t give up. you’ll come out of it as a stronger person. also, transit uranus in your 4th house is currently opposing your sun in the 10th house. there may be unfortunate and unpredictable events in your family environment, or maybe even regarding your physical house or privacy so beware of that.

🧿 manifest what you want, secret skills

with your water placements, you probably have a 6th sense. you’re able to manifest what you want if you subconsciously predict it, even though it may be hard. you’d have to get in touch with your higher self to do so, and hence I would suggest you to light up some candles and meditate for a bit before manifesting, in this way it will be way more effective. you may manifest something while daydreaming, for example. or perhaps, you can also try listening to your own affirmations while you sleep, as you won’t be consciously aware of that. it’s probably the most effective way.

and this is it! thank you again for booking a reading, hope it resonated with you :)

#astrology

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takaraphoenix · 4 years

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Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Season 6

1. Favorite character of this season?

I absolutely love how they dedicated this season to Buffy's issues. She died. And was ripped out of heaven. She lost her mom and was suddenly forced into being the adult in the house. It's so much and she gets to break about it. Yes, she hurts the people around her, but honestly... it kind of figures? How is one supposed to adjust to what she is trying to adjust to? But over the season, the wake-up calls she gets – the asylum episode, Dawn's stealing, Willow's addiction and then the grand finale that makes her realize she wants to be in this world – it's so great, because it goes... slowly.

My biggest issue with most modern TV is that it's basically torture porn. The main character is put through impossibly traumatizing ordeals but is never even given the chance to cope, to try and deal with it. The issues are never addressed, only glossed over because actually dealing with them would require care and good writing and take time away from all the other drama going on! So characters are only traumatized for shock-value and then are immediately over it, even though it's unrealistic.

This season is a season of trauma. A season of bad coping mechanism, of pushing people away but still seeking someone where she can feel safe – Spike. She slowly has to relearn to open up and let them in, she has to learn to want to live again. And it's hard. And the show doesn't shy away from it, it doesn't shy away from her making the wrong choices, because... there is no one right choice that is obvious when dealing with the trauma she has faced.

2. Outstanding minor character (positive or negative)?

Negative. Jonathan. I just... I really truly hate that Jonathan is in the trio. Of all people, Jonathan. The one who gave Buffy her class-protector award with that heart-warming speech. Buffy was the one person who saved him, personally, when he wanted to commit suicide. Even after the Jonathan Superstar episode, Buffy was gentle and understanding with him. It just... for him, to turn supervillain like that was incredibly disappointing for me.

3. Favorite character dynamic?

I genuinely love the Tara-Dawn dynamic. Tara and Willow raised her for months while Buffy was dead. But the Giles-Anya dynamic is also so great – I'm very soft for the way Anya points out her hair is blonde in the finale like “Buffy is getting hugs for short hair. I too would like a hug”.

4. Favorite canon romantic ship?

Buffy and Spike... in the first half of the season. The way she found him to open up to, he was the only one she voluntarily told about having been in heaven. She finds a connection to him. The way he loves her – that he stayed, for months, even though she was dead, because he had promised her to take care of Dawn and he didn't just do that, he helped the Scoobies protect Sunnydale. He had no reason to and it still... it bothers me so much that everyone continuously belittles Spike's love for Buffy like it's not there. If he was only lusting after her, he would have ditched town after her death, he wouldn't have helped defend Sunnydale and take care of Dawn.

5. Least favorite canon romantic ship?

I'm having flashbacks here but it's a tie and it's because of shit decisions Xander and Willow made.

It's strange, I want to love Willow and – as a friend – she is a great character, but she's just... a shitty partner? She cheated on Oz for weeks or months with Xander and now she used magic to play with Tara's mind. That is so... violating and disturbing and that, after Tara found out and confronted her about it and pointed out how incredibly wrong that was, even more so with Tara's past, Willow just went and immediately did it again. And this isn't something you can blame the addiction for; this was just “I don't want my girlfriend mad at me so I'll erase her memories”. It's... just so bad.

The other being Xander and Anya, even though I love Xander and Anya together, but... the entire season was a steady build-up to “Xander REALLY doesn't wanna get married”, literally from the first episode on. He tried to hide the engagement as long as possible. Then he just... makes these disturbed faces every time someone brings up the married life. They had a whole sing and dance number about their doubts. It's just so very evidently clear that he doesn't want to get married, but he takes until the wedding itself to realize and just... leaves Anya at the altar and then thinks he can get her back? Genuinely thinks they could just go back to being in a relationship? But after leaving her at the altar acting like she owes him something – when he watches her and Spike have sex?

Sometimes, it feels like Xander and Willow really live to sabotage their own happiness.

6. Favorite episode?

Once More With Feeling – it's just one of the most outstanding episodes, really! The songs are so brilliant, the emotional arcs this episode for everyone – from the Spuffy to the per-marital issues between Anya and Xander to Tara and Giles' doubts. It's really brilliant. Many shows after have tried to make a musical episode happen and, with luck, they're fun or comic-relief, but... none have lived up to the standard set by this one.

7. Least favorite episode?

Oh, that's an easy one. 6x19 Seeing Red, where they made... Spike, at this point honestly, completely OoC by having him try to rape Buffy. That will never come off as anything but OoC, not after all that has happened between them. Yes, they are violent with each other – but that's a mutual thing, they hurt each other. This was... terrifying to watch as a teen and it hasn't stopped being upsetting and disturbing. And then they top the episode off with Tara being fridged.

I know fridging is technically the act of killing a female character for the sake of a male character's suffering, but... it's gay fridging? It's not even entirely a Bury Your Gay; Tara dies specifically for the pain and suffering of her lover. After everything Tara's been through in life and after everything Willow has put her through this season, they barely just rekindled... and she gets killed off.

8. Favorite Monster Of The Week?

Aesthetically and what he brought to the show? Sweet from Once More, With Feeling.

But I think that Stewart from Hell's Bells also really stood out. The fact that Anya's past came back to haunt her – because she was a demon for a century and she tortured people for a living. She doesn't even remember this guy whose life she ruined and he comes in to ruin her wedding. And in the end... he wasn't even the one to ruin it, the viewer gets one last moment of hope when it's revealed this was a fake-out, that he was not “Xander from the future” but a vengeful demon... but even without Stewart, the wedding didn't happen.

9. Least favorite Monster Of The Week?

Not too many monsters of the week going on, really. Probably Wig Lady from 6x12 Doublemeat Palace, because all the implications of cannibalism in that episode were really very disturbing.

10. Rate the overarching villain!

Brilliant. 10/10. Holds up so well.

Seriously, there is this... frustrating part where Xander's character just does not hold up at all because of the casual sexism and gross over-sexualization of his female friends. Which figures, because that's how a Nice Nerdy Guy was defined in the 90s (and, if you look at modern TV aimed at nerdy guys like The Big Bang Theory, still is). It's just a trope from TV and movies that for some reason really worked back then but nowadays when we look at sexism and the behavior of men toward women with different eyes, it is really appalling and upsetting.

In the case of the nerd trio, this worked out really well for the show, because it only makes them even more effective villains. They are ridiculous losers, total nerds who think they are owed womens' attention. Their schemes are literally straight out of comics but for the dumbest purposes – they make an invisibility ray so they can go into a women's only spa to spy on naked ladies. They create mind-control devices but for the purpose of enslaving women into their sex-puppets.

It is so gross, so ridiculous and inexplicably still somehow funny, because it's straight out of comics. Freeze-rays? Invisibility-rays? Self-destructing lairs? Jet-packs? It is not out of this world, this isn't how Buffy the Vampire Slayer operates, this is a show about monsters and demons and they're turning it into a whacky scifi show and it works.

Then there's the fact that they're just... three dumb losers? I mean, last season, Buffy literally slayed a god. Shows like to escalate. The Big Bads become bigger and badder each season, but... where do you go after you killed a god? Instead of trying to immediately one-up the villain factor, they did something incredibly brilliant. They took all the steps back.

The villains aren't the focus of this season. The focus of this season is what I answered in the first part of this post. Buffy's mental health and readjustment. You can't only focus on that though, you do need a villain and for that, an overarching villain of some loser nerd bois who fail the majority of time are perfect. They're nuisances that make Buffy's life marginally harder at times, but they're not an overall, serious, actual threat that may end the world.

And still they... got Tara killed. In such a... human manner. An angry man-child who hates women comes in with a gun and shoots her. And there's nothing the demon-slaying good guys can do about it. The bullet hits – not the target it was intended for – and takes an innocent life. Just like that, Warren manages what the hellish bad guys from previous seasons hadn't managed; he kills a Scoobie. Angelus killed Jenny, Drusilla killed Kendra, those were the only major deaths at the hands of villains that we had on this show so far and both were minor characters.

Bonus: Other thoughts?

Dawn was so draining this season; she got better in the last quarter of the season but the majority of it... The stealing, the behavior, the blaming Buffy for absolutely everything – Willow got addicted to magic, it's Buffy's fault, they have no money and Buffy has to go and work to earn money and it's Buffy's fault that she's not home, Buffy died to save Dawn and somehow it's Buffy's fault too because she left Dawn. Just... how can you possibly be this self-centered...? It's so exhausting, even more so in the season that has Buffy suffering the most and instead of being a supportive, helpful sister, Dawn acts like she's the victim of everything...

And I understand, Dawn has been through a lot too – losing her mother, losing Buffy, learning she isn't human but just a mass of energy – but there is a difference between suffering yourself and placing all the blame on other people and pretending that the world is against you, instead of tackling your own issues and problems yourself? And stealing from your friends, at that.

And no, being fifteen isn't an excuse for not seeing beyond yourself. Fifteen year olds are sure old enough to be self-aware... This “fifteen year olds only see themselves and only care about their own suffering and everybody else is to be blamed for how shit their life is” is just... another cringey Teen Girl Trope. Seriously, why did they just cram every single bad trope into this character...

#Buffy the Vampire Slayer #Buffy Review #Phoe Watching Buffy #Season 6

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